-
Notifications
You must be signed in to change notification settings - Fork 1
Expand file tree
/
Copy pathdev.html
More file actions
1440 lines (1437 loc) · 159 KB
/
dev.html
File metadata and controls
1440 lines (1437 loc) · 159 KB
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
214
215
216
217
218
219
220
221
222
223
224
225
226
227
228
229
230
231
232
233
234
235
236
237
238
239
240
241
242
243
244
245
246
247
248
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
256
257
258
259
260
261
262
263
264
265
266
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291
292
293
294
295
296
297
298
299
300
301
302
303
304
305
306
307
308
309
310
311
312
313
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
323
324
325
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
349
350
351
352
353
354
355
356
357
358
359
360
361
362
363
364
365
366
367
368
369
370
371
372
373
374
375
376
377
378
379
380
381
382
383
384
385
386
387
388
389
390
391
392
393
394
395
396
397
398
399
400
401
402
403
404
405
406
407
408
409
410
411
412
413
414
415
416
417
418
419
420
421
422
423
424
425
426
427
428
429
430
431
432
433
434
435
436
437
438
439
440
441
442
443
444
445
446
447
448
449
450
451
452
453
454
455
456
457
458
459
460
461
462
463
464
465
466
467
468
469
470
471
472
473
474
475
476
477
478
479
480
481
482
483
484
485
486
487
488
489
490
491
492
493
494
495
496
497
498
499
500
501
502
503
504
505
506
507
508
509
510
511
512
513
514
515
516
517
518
519
520
521
522
523
524
525
526
527
528
529
530
531
532
533
534
535
536
537
538
539
540
541
542
543
544
545
546
547
548
549
550
551
552
553
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
561
562
563
564
565
566
567
568
569
570
571
572
573
574
575
576
577
578
579
580
581
582
583
584
585
586
587
588
589
590
591
592
593
594
595
596
597
598
599
600
601
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616
617
618
619
620
621
622
623
624
625
626
627
628
629
630
631
632
633
634
635
636
637
638
639
640
641
642
643
644
645
646
647
648
649
650
651
652
653
654
655
656
657
658
659
660
661
662
663
664
665
666
667
668
669
670
671
672
673
674
675
676
677
678
679
680
681
682
683
684
685
686
687
688
689
690
691
692
693
694
695
696
697
698
699
700
701
702
703
704
705
706
707
708
709
710
711
712
713
714
715
716
717
718
719
720
721
722
723
724
725
726
727
728
729
730
731
732
733
734
735
736
737
738
739
740
741
742
743
744
745
746
747
748
749
750
751
752
753
754
755
756
757
758
759
760
761
762
763
764
765
766
767
768
769
770
771
772
773
774
775
776
777
778
779
780
781
782
783
784
785
786
787
788
789
790
791
792
793
794
795
796
797
798
799
800
801
802
803
804
805
806
807
808
809
810
811
812
813
814
815
816
817
818
819
820
821
822
823
824
825
826
827
828
829
830
831
832
833
834
835
836
837
838
839
840
841
842
843
844
845
846
847
848
849
850
851
852
853
854
855
856
857
858
859
860
861
862
863
864
865
866
867
868
869
870
871
872
873
874
875
876
877
878
879
880
881
882
883
884
885
886
887
888
889
890
891
892
893
894
895
896
897
898
899
900
901
902
903
904
905
906
907
908
909
910
911
912
913
914
915
916
917
918
919
920
921
922
923
924
925
926
927
928
929
930
931
932
933
934
935
936
937
938
939
940
941
942
943
944
945
946
947
948
949
950
951
952
953
954
955
956
957
958
959
960
961
962
963
964
965
966
967
968
969
970
971
972
973
974
975
976
977
978
979
980
981
982
983
984
985
986
987
988
989
990
991
992
993
994
995
996
997
998
999
1000
<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8" />
<title>[Dev] Pandora Demo</title>
<script type="module" src="./src/index.ts"></script>
</head>
<body>
<p>I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very
exciting. I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a
black person? Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base? But the device will
change that. Without a safety net, people will improve. [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone
keeps ringing] Hello? Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe
there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster,
like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret
with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the
body of a porcupine. So weird. Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught
Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well,
not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying
Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in
love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen
displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try. Yeah,
I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in
our family since before I was born.</p>
<p>That’s not… Whoops. ...I would fire Anthony Gardner... [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her
desk] Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there? Last week, I finally told Pam
about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just
wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they
came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. There are two things that I am
passionate about. Recycling and revenge. And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All
in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let's
hear it for... Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick
the Hay King myself. I pick... [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King!
All Hail your Hay King! [drowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight's worker claps] [Receptionitis15 screen name] What --
today? Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and
never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?</p>
<p>When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy
just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. Uh, what? [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven,
ninety-eight, ninety-nine- I need to make a sales call. Please? That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You
gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to
stop doing it. One step at a time. Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell. [enters] [in a gruff
voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar. [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey! We even go to
lunch, pick up babes. The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And
then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it.
This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to
tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.</p>
<p>"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic
scavenger hunt! [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa
Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five
weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors. Oh! Hire a magician. I need you to sign
these, we got a shipment going out. Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you
need to hear it. Michael. Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled. Like a Phoenix
from the ashes. Ksshhhh! [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? So, her
husband, your stepdad? What?!</p>
<p>The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for
me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. Nothing. We do safety training every year, or
after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on
the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and
yelled... Might get ugly. Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through
anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps.
Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe. I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags
the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times] When the stakes are this high, there is only one
computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head] I'm going to propose
tonight. Holy crap! I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS,
but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los
Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants. Yeah, I know.</p>
<p>C'mon Jim, let's go. I should probably get back to work. Talk about vacation days! My husband is sponsoring a
fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people
were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district! Get under your chin
first. Yeah. [obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy. I'm just
gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so
good. The chairs are so comfortable. [laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy] Michael, wait. So they said we
are sold? [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It’s a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That’s my nickity-name! I
love it, I love it!</p>
<p>I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! [clip
of him doing pull ups in Gabe's doorway] I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub
blub blub blub blub blub. No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame. They're the same picture.
Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo! Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across
the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh. [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker,
television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! I'm trying to get everyone excited
about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which
won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a
boat. What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad] Oh. It is.</p>
<p>A dog-like obedience to authority Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips
as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day. An office... is as safe as the people
in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the
danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes. Ow! He went
home. Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves] This is the last day of our summer interns. It's
been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown
gathered around Kelly's desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn't do
anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky
jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie's back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.
It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good. Am I scared of getting hit
in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm
gonna love it. [claps hands] Let's do this. Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone]
And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it? It was you.</p>
<p>We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I
knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR
training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red
Cross, you know, racket. Where did you get this? [hugging a crying Jim] Okay, okay. Pam is constantly throwing
up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three
ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass. [Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain] Hello, Charles?
Charles! You're inviting Jim? No. I heard you. I am not an alcoholic! Good me too! Hey, wait, wait, how—how are
we doing this?</p>
<p>Right. Okay? Great. Phyllis. What do you think? Too much? I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for
making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. Kevin! That's inappropriate. Hey. That's great.
No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing. I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt. Michael, do you think I
could get a space heater - So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope]
Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.</p>
<p>Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop
Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call
it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one. I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be
dinner. I insult you, Oscar. Because I believe in you. Diversifying. Smart. I'm a little worried I might have
asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says
yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer. Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool? If you really
think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you. There are a lot of one
person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could
pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone. Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi!
Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!</p>
<p>Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me. I could've gotten that, idiot! I have very little patience for
stupidity. You can write a book about chairs. I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I
can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard
skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.
Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan? There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might
make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.
Years? Those aren't helpful. This is exciting! You’re finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.</p>
<p>Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round.
[motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake
Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo
the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor. It'll all be goat. This
is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do
the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white
and Chris is black? It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on
a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the
right word? Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins
lifting boxes by hand.] I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a
moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little
bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to
Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy. How much longer is this gonna take? Hi Jim, it's Helen. So,
there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of...</p>
<p>Smasher! Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal? Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to
comply with random drug testing. [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So...
well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile. I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm
and steals my hemp. Right here. Jim won't sign my expense report. Hoist him aloft. C’mon Darryl. Lift, lift
Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk] [Everyone’s phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin. [checking Pam's head]
Yikers, lice.</p>
<p>Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy! You were way meaner to me than I was to you. I've
just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Mm-hmm. Excellent
idea, Pam. Can I address that? What are you talking about? Ryan, just tell us your plan. Was that hot or what?
[inputting numbers into the copier and holding up the line] One...</p>
<p>It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy
Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell. In this next section we
examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness
precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much
more flexible. What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying? Hi. "Yo, Ry from
WUPHF!" That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up 'Hello, my name is..,']
nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself. [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the
interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of
duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in
the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's
really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting
my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
It's all about my bonus. Thank you. Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.</p>
<p>I need to pee. I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa! He can be. Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at
another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!
That's not a good reason. Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of
the universe. [talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a
healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed. Bruce
Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness. After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian.
Turns out “worm” means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the
smoking of pain management. I was-- I was gonna get the doll.</p>
<p>Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?
[yelling at Michael in Spanish] I’ve been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him
and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize
how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel
President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents. You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Yeah. She's wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm] Want some pie?
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart. My golden ticket
idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could
be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs] A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the
piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what
happens. I'd also like to see her topless.</p>
<p>Hey, Lauren. Look at you. Confidence, Dwight. Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? How many of you have seen
the documentary Deliverance? Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And
normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh
sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it. [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh...
Come on. Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe. What else you got?
Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in
his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's
gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to
wonder where he's gonna park. Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an
ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.</p>
<p>Week off. That'd be great. The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves.
Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to
go, I don't want to. Oh, yeah, of course. I know. You are never going to find them. Angela! Well he kissed like
Jack Kennedy! OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field Guess what, I
have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering.
Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point
that I'm trying to make. [opens "New Moon" poster] Jim.... Jim! [Hugs him] Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?</p>
<p>They're testing it now. I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I’m helping start. Ah,
first board meeting. Also, the first time I’ve ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong. It takes a
big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want
somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me
because they genuinely love me. Hmm. Got it. Andy Bernard?? [group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking,
it was awful... That's fair. [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back
to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the
world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest
prison. But we zoom back further--- Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic. [tests smoke detector]
Good.</p>
<p>If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom. So? Watching? Yesterday, Angela may or may not have
figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if
she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual. Who are your role models? Oh. Yep.
I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing. [as all agree] OK. He told me where his kids go
to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my
little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom. Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if
she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey.
I...</p>
<p>Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my
birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher. I wrote it out. No,
I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart. I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone
again, I'll just kinda know. I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today. Don't go breaking my scale. No,
come on. [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up]
Come here you. All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent,
excellent. Pam, would you care for a bagel?</p>
<p>So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice.
Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I
feel like they're raising us. Am I right? It was from a deleted scene so we were both right. You sure?
[agreeing] Mm. Oh, yeah, of course. I know. There's other pencil's in this office. The way that boy looks at the
Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm. What?
Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?</p>
<p>If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom. A few of the ground rules? This is hard for me. I'm a
nice guy. I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of
surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under
the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag. Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost
had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! It's how it has to be. [still trying the backwards basket] Catch you
guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up
again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really?
[composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure] You sorta disappeared there for
a while. Where ya been? What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price. I've never been lucky.
And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who
gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?</p>
<p>Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. Pam, when I first
opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's
insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse,
perspiration, and breathing rate. Till then, we need a new acting manager. Now, who's got the most experience in
this office? I don't want to stay until seven again this year. Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
That’s pizza. Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I
just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s
business as usual. [walking past Dwight's desk] Kitchen. Oh. Please. Colin Powell.</p>
<p>[as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn’t go there. [Kevin shushes him] Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a
gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I'm a
little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified. Me neither. Do I really want to turn
out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time
I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing. Would you have sex with Meredith? I am a victim
of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. Yes? What is the meaning of this? That is our sales pitch
and we are stickin' to it. Uh, you can keep your pants on actually…if just drop ‘em down a bit, that’d be great.
[grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood,
touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting.</p>
<p>You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I
just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court. Ah, I knew it.
Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you
were eating in the kitchen with those guys? [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other
and clears his throat to get Angela's attention] No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a
division of Taliban enterprises. Aw, it's gonna be the [softly] worst. Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling
corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you. Leave. If you want to fire him, you're going to have
to tell him yourself. Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. People are always
coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can
only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute
something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for
murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like
that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.</p>
<p>Blowing up balloons I thought. Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor. Whenever you're ready, Michael. How
do you know it's going to be a boy? Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you! Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are
the reason I live to forget. I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I
might do the spin. Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley
laughs] Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of
this garage sale with the finest item here. Hi.</p>
<p>Na? I have. I guess this is my life now. You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy,
anymore. [smiles] That's two things. Oh, um... [A long silence.] [Bandit is chewing on wires] Bandit, No! No no
no! I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little
out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick. I know you don’t really exist. Wallace is
letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim’s desk while he’s away in Philly. Finally I’ll have
someone at my desk clump who gets me. It’s like, “Really, Jim? You don’t understand the difference between a
slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.” Wow.</p>
<p>Huh? What am I saying? Yeah. Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment
with everybody. [glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list] Mike Tibbets, really? Thank you.
[hangs up] I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but
that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los
Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants. Hello. Yeah, but she's not white, though.</p>
<p>Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that. Well, I don't want
any soup. It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the
Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and
tries to go back to his seat] It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the
office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know
because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just
hoping middle school was over. Yeah. Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second
Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into. [on
phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me
behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88... Wait a second. That was, that was a
surprise. [strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back]</p>
<p>They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. She'll be the first.
The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't sound right. Yes, yes, yes! Animation? All her by
the way. [points at Pam] Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted
file about six months ago. Don't get hysterical. I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's
favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time. Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I’ve been
double-parked for five hours. I’m wondering if I should move my car. Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump. This
here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please
don't throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael's face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping]
Please don't throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office. [crying] Oh, God. Oh,
God.</p>
<p>I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that. Who are they? It's for protecting my ass. When you
suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous. Yes, Darryl, the
sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. So, it
really is just about the cupcakes. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I
have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore
too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital? It's about adapting to the
circumstances. [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a
packet of paper] You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded,
something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage. I'm not going get a brain-</p>
<p>...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it
that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock. Negotiations are all about controlling things.
About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore
woman's clothes. I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my
kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points. Right? Yeah, so I don't
have to worry? Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em, we were
on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof. Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home
like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks] No thanks. Rank each person
individually? If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a
shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.</p>
<p>Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs] I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm
gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other
prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so
bad when I was outside of prison." Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will
inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause] You mean Tony? Oh, for God’s sake. [notices Erin planking on
parking lot curb] [buzzer to indicate a blocked site] Firewall. [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under
there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it. [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets
passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin] Yeah, I know. Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps
stuck at the office today? [laughs]</p>
<p>Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It’ll be upsetting if you don’t. I do
gamble Michael. I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm
wondering if I even have what it takes. Close the door. This is your fault. I gotta tell you, this baby is
amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much. No. The Civil War
history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it.
It's just grossly irresponsible. I know where we're not. I did not go to business school. You know who else
didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the
NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. Wow!</p>
<p>What's up, buddy? No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave
me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man. ... and we're
confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with
us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager. Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago. [dumps coffee
all over the copier glass] Oh! What's going on? [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one
moment, I'll transfer you. The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he
takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he’s gonna zero in on for
these really intense small-talks. You just hope it’s not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It’s strange.
Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow... Make the next right turn.</p>
<p>All right. At least we're outside. Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute? I had Martin explain to me three times
what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day. Hi. It's performance
review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and
dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to
expect. Well, today was a fantastic waste of time. Oh... okay. Were you saving it? New leads, a new territory to
look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door… Did you get the yams?</p>
<p>That's what makes it so wrong. Hold on one second. At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video
game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise.
Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh,
Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an
ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus. Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave. I will
stay here and run things on this end. They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away
those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case. We should buy an
auger together. Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and
Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables... [to camera crew] Can you guys come
with me for a minute? Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can’t get enough of the
show? Your jollies are all on fire --</p>
<p>I’m not wearing eyeliner. [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no! I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin'
about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy
at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything? Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like
that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize. Yes. [on
monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples. 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew!
["displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed] Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of
an entertainer. Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh? Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please.
Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the
office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after
all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!
</p>
<p>[Sighs and grunts] Orientation is over. Got it. There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an
opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work. What the heck was that? [Andy is seen
clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in
his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit
torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick
Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your
programs! Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave? Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes?
Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more
seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do
then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the "hot"
team to their great joy] Does that end the debate? Hi. So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess
he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one! Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
</p>
<p>[singing] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet
don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya... And yet
Todd, it's you who's fired. 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time.
Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes
from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute? [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth
is… our relationship is… terr- It has my face on it. Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem
with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and
you only, okay? Don't share it. [Kevin looks exasperated] Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a
high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself. Oh, I can do that. [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've
been up since four! You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair. Hope you
brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds]
Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So,
friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.</p>
<p>Well, I'd like to change it, actually. I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but
he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this
right. Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on. [singing]
Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging... Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
Christmas miracles do happen. Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar
stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys? Look, I
know that I screwed up in there. I know that I probably messed up your sale. I just want to go in and fix it. It
was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food...</p>
<p>You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our
problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he
has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.
Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services. We had a foreign exchange student live with us
when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what
is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in
shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans. I didn't find a perfect moment, because
I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long
story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year
she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then
it's perfect. I'm in no rush. I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very
good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid. Well, [Jim
enters] No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy? My idea! Their bread is very
good. Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get
really pranky when I drink. Uh, we have. Countless times.</p>
<p>Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. [Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera] Ok let's do it. [phone rings] Hello?
Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans. No. I am not going to
be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down
when I had the chance. So what's it gonna be? First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long
Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don’t
know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client. This is the prison. Uh, I am not
going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe
he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How
did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship. Not it.
I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. Who else? Who else? Ryan?</p>
<p>Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off? things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for
Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for
Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have. You remember that. I am taking a calculated
risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing.
Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Yeah. Hey, Stanley, is
that jacket make of up-dog? I suck. Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I
like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker. Oh?
Andy He's gone.</p>
<p>Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up. "Intercourse to completion. Five individual times
rendered at my discretion?" I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a
ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good. Why don't you just buy the whole song? See ya, drive safely. One of
Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this
weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the
ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that. [holding back tears] Okay... My goal is to make this office as peaceful
a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded
peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda
nice... Hey. No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.</p>
<p>Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always
hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life
right now. I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look] Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!
....Dude. I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I
don't have to pay for a sitter. No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game,
alright? [Jim nods] I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These
muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad. Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby
look at each other - Creed clip montage] All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if
Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news. Today is
ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be
insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.</p>
<p>Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad. This is humongous. I am not a security threat... Sookehhh.
[removes teeth] Bill Compton, from True Blood. I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about
a year left in these knees, though. Hey, how's Annie? You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair.
[taking pictures] Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, that’s great. I got
enough. Thank you, everybody. We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead.
But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch
marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of
kindness. Oh [bleep] yeah. Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons:
not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So
that should tell you something.</p>
<p>I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very
exciting. I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a
black person? Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base? But the device will
change that. Without a safety net, people will improve. [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone
keeps ringing] Hello? Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe
there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster,
like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret
with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the
body of a porcupine. So weird. Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught
Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well,
not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying
Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in
love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen
displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try. Yeah,
I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in
our family since before I was born.</p>
<p>That’s not… Whoops. ...I would fire Anthony Gardner... [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her
desk] Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there? Last week, I finally told Pam
about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just
wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they
came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. There are two things that I am
passionate about. Recycling and revenge. And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All
in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let's
hear it for... Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick
the Hay King myself. I pick... [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King!
All Hail your Hay King! [drowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight's worker claps] [Receptionitis15 screen name] What --
today? Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and
never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?</p>
<p>When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy
just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. Uh, what? [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven,
ninety-eight, ninety-nine- I need to make a sales call. Please? That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You
gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to
stop doing it. One step at a time. Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell. [enters] [in a gruff
voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar. [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey! We even go to
lunch, pick up babes. The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And
then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it.
This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to
tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.</p>
<p>"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic
scavenger hunt! [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa
Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five
weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors. Oh! Hire a magician. I need you to sign
these, we got a shipment going out. Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you
need to hear it. Michael. Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled. Like a Phoenix
from the ashes. Ksshhhh! [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? So, her
husband, your stepdad? What?!</p>
<p>The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for
me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. Nothing. We do safety training every year, or
after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on
the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and
yelled... Might get ugly. Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through
anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps.
Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe. I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags
the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times] When the stakes are this high, there is only one
computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head] I'm going to propose
tonight. Holy crap! I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS,
but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los
Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants. Yeah, I know.</p>
<p>C'mon Jim, let's go. I should probably get back to work. Talk about vacation days! My husband is sponsoring a
fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people
were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district! Get under your chin
first. Yeah. [obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy. I'm just
gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so
good. The chairs are so comfortable. [laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy] Michael, wait. So they said we
are sold? [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It’s a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That’s my nickity-name! I
love it, I love it!</p>
<p>I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! [clip
of him doing pull ups in Gabe's doorway] I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub
blub blub blub blub blub. No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame. They're the same picture.
Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo! Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across
the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh. [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker,
television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! I'm trying to get everyone excited
about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which
won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a
boat. What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad] Oh. It is.</p>
<p>A dog-like obedience to authority Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips
as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day. An office... is as safe as the people
in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the
danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes. Ow! He went
home. Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves] This is the last day of our summer interns. It's
been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown
gathered around Kelly's desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn't do
anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky
jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie's back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.
It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good. Am I scared of getting hit
in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm
gonna love it. [claps hands] Let's do this. Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone]
And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it? It was you.</p>
<p>We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I
knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR
training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red
Cross, you know, racket. Where did you get this? [hugging a crying Jim] Okay, okay. Pam is constantly throwing
up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three
ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass. [Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain] Hello, Charles?
Charles! You're inviting Jim? No. I heard you. I am not an alcoholic! Good me too! Hey, wait, wait, how—how are
we doing this?</p>
<p>Right. Okay? Great. Phyllis. What do you think? Too much? I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for
making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. Kevin! That's inappropriate. Hey. That's great.
No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing. I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt. Michael, do you think I
could get a space heater - So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope]
Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.</p>
<p>Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop
Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call
it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one. I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be
dinner. I insult you, Oscar. Because I believe in you. Diversifying. Smart. I'm a little worried I might have
asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says
yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer. Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool? If you really
think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you. There are a lot of one
person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could
pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone. Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi!
Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!</p>
<p>Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me. I could've gotten that, idiot! I have very little patience for
stupidity. You can write a book about chairs. I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I
can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard
skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.
Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan? There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might
make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.
Years? Those aren't helpful. This is exciting! You’re finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.</p>
<p>Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round.
[motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake
Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo
the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor. It'll all be goat. This
is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do
the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white
and Chris is black? It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on
a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the
right word? Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins
lifting boxes by hand.] I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a
moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little
bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to
Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy. How much longer is this gonna take? Hi Jim, it's Helen. So,
there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of...</p>
<p>Smasher! Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal? Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to
comply with random drug testing. [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So...
well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile. I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm
and steals my hemp. Right here. Jim won't sign my expense report. Hoist him aloft. C’mon Darryl. Lift, lift
Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk] [Everyone’s phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin. [checking Pam's head]
Yikers, lice.</p>
<p>Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy! You were way meaner to me than I was to you. I've
just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Mm-hmm. Excellent
idea, Pam. Can I address that? What are you talking about? Ryan, just tell us your plan. Was that hot or what?
[inputting numbers into the copier and holding up the line] One...</p>
<p>It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy
Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell. In this next section we
examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness
precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much
more flexible. What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying? Hi. "Yo, Ry from
WUPHF!" That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up 'Hello, my name is..,']
nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself. [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the
interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of
duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in
the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's
really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting
my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
It's all about my bonus. Thank you. Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.</p>
<p>I need to pee. I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa! He can be. Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at
another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!
That's not a good reason. Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of
the universe. [talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a
healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed. Bruce
Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness. After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian.
Turns out “worm” means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the
smoking of pain management. I was-- I was gonna get the doll.</p>
<p>Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?
[yelling at Michael in Spanish] I’ve been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him
and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize
how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel
President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents. You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Yeah. She's wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm] Want some pie?
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart. My golden ticket
idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could
be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs] A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the
piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what
happens. I'd also like to see her topless.</p>
<p>Hey, Lauren. Look at you. Confidence, Dwight. Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? How many of you have seen
the documentary Deliverance? Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And
normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh
sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it. [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh...
Come on. Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe. What else you got?
Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in
his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's
gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to
wonder where he's gonna park. Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an
ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.</p>
<p>Week off. That'd be great. The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves.
Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to
go, I don't want to. Oh, yeah, of course. I know. You are never going to find them. Angela! Well he kissed like
Jack Kennedy! OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field Guess what, I
have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering.
Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point
that I'm trying to make. [opens "New Moon" poster] Jim.... Jim! [Hugs him] Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?</p>
<p>They're testing it now. I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I’m helping start. Ah,
first board meeting. Also, the first time I’ve ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong. It takes a
big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want
somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me
because they genuinely love me. Hmm. Got it. Andy Bernard?? [group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking,
it was awful... That's fair. [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back
to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the
world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest
prison. But we zoom back further--- Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic. [tests smoke detector]
Good.</p>
<p>If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom. So? Watching? Yesterday, Angela may or may not have
figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if
she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual. Who are your role models? Oh. Yep.
I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing. [as all agree] OK. He told me where his kids go
to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my
little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom. Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if
she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey.
I...</p>
<p>Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my
birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher. I wrote it out. No,
I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart. I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone
again, I'll just kinda know. I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today. Don't go breaking my scale. No,
come on. [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up]
Come here you. All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent,
excellent. Pam, would you care for a bagel?</p>
<p>So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice.
Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I
feel like they're raising us. Am I right? It was from a deleted scene so we were both right. You sure?
[agreeing] Mm. Oh, yeah, of course. I know. There's other pencil's in this office. The way that boy looks at the
Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm. What?
Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?</p>
<p>If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom. A few of the ground rules? This is hard for me. I'm a
nice guy. I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of
surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under
the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag. Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost
had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! It's how it has to be. [still trying the backwards basket] Catch you
guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up
again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really?
[composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure] You sorta disappeared there for
a while. Where ya been? What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price. I've never been lucky.
And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who
gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?</p>
<p>Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. Pam, when I first
opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's
insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse,
perspiration, and breathing rate. Till then, we need a new acting manager. Now, who's got the most experience in
this office? I don't want to stay until seven again this year. Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
That’s pizza. Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I
just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s
business as usual. [walking past Dwight's desk] Kitchen. Oh. Please. Colin Powell.</p>
<p>[as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn’t go there. [Kevin shushes him] Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a
gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I'm a
little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified. Me neither. Do I really want to turn
out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time
I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing. Would you have sex with Meredith? I am a victim
of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. Yes? What is the meaning of this? That is our sales pitch
and we are stickin' to it. Uh, you can keep your pants on actually…if just drop ‘em down a bit, that’d be great.
[grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood,
touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting.</p>
<p>You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I
just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court. Ah, I knew it.
Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you
were eating in the kitchen with those guys? [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other
and clears his throat to get Angela's attention] No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a
division of Taliban enterprises. Aw, it's gonna be the [softly] worst. Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling
corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you. Leave. If you want to fire him, you're going to have
to tell him yourself. Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. People are always
coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can
only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute
something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for
murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like
that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.</p>
<p>Blowing up balloons I thought. Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor. Whenever you're ready, Michael. How
do you know it's going to be a boy? Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you! Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are
the reason I live to forget. I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I
might do the spin. Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley
laughs] Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of
this garage sale with the finest item here. Hi.</p>
<p>Na? I have. I guess this is my life now. You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy,
anymore. [smiles] That's two things. Oh, um... [A long silence.] [Bandit is chewing on wires] Bandit, No! No no
no! I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little
out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick. I know you don’t really exist. Wallace is
letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim’s desk while he’s away in Philly. Finally I’ll have
someone at my desk clump who gets me. It’s like, “Really, Jim? You don’t understand the difference between a
slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.” Wow.</p>
<p>Huh? What am I saying? Yeah. Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment
with everybody. [glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list] Mike Tibbets, really? Thank you.
[hangs up] I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but
that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los
Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants. Hello. Yeah, but she's not white, though.</p>
<p>Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that. Well, I don't want
any soup. It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the
Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and
tries to go back to his seat] It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the
office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know
because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just
hoping middle school was over. Yeah. Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second
Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into. [on
phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me
behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88... Wait a second. That was, that was a
surprise. [strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back]</p>
<p>They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. She'll be the first.
The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't sound right. Yes, yes, yes! Animation? All her by
the way. [points at Pam] Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted
file about six months ago. Don't get hysterical. I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's
favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time. Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I’ve been
double-parked for five hours. I’m wondering if I should move my car. Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump. This
here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please
don't throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael's face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping]
Please don't throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office. [crying] Oh, God. Oh,
God.</p>
<p>I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that. Who are they? It's for protecting my ass. When you
suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous. Yes, Darryl, the
sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. So, it
really is just about the cupcakes. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I
have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore
too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital? It's about adapting to the
circumstances. [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a
packet of paper] You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded,
something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage. I'm not going get a brain-</p>
<p>...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it
that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock. Negotiations are all about controlling things.
About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore
woman's clothes. I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my
kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points. Right? Yeah, so I don't
have to worry? Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em, we were
on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof. Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home
like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks] No thanks. Rank each person
individually? If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a
shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.</p>
<p>Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs] I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm
gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other
prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so
bad when I was outside of prison." Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will
inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause] You mean Tony? Oh, for God’s sake. [notices Erin planking on
parking lot curb] [buzzer to indicate a blocked site] Firewall. [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under
there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it. [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets
passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin] Yeah, I know. Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps
stuck at the office today? [laughs]</p>
<p>Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It’ll be upsetting if you don’t. I do
gamble Michael. I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm
wondering if I even have what it takes. Close the door. This is your fault. I gotta tell you, this baby is
amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much. No. The Civil War
history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it.
It's just grossly irresponsible. I know where we're not. I did not go to business school. You know who else
didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the
NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. Wow!</p>
<p>What's up, buddy? No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave
me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man. ... and we're
confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with
us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager. Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago. [dumps coffee
all over the copier glass] Oh! What's going on? [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one
moment, I'll transfer you. The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he
takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he’s gonna zero in on for
these really intense small-talks. You just hope it’s not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It’s strange.
Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow... Make the next right turn.</p>
<p>All right. At least we're outside. Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute? I had Martin explain to me three times
what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day. Hi. It's performance
review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and
dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to
expect. Well, today was a fantastic waste of time. Oh... okay. Were you saving it? New leads, a new territory to
look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door… Did you get the yams?</p>
<p>That's what makes it so wrong. Hold on one second. At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video
game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise.
Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh,
Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an
ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus. Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave. I will
stay here and run things on this end. They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away
those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case. We should buy an
auger together. Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and
Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables... [to camera crew] Can you guys come
with me for a minute? Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can’t get enough of the
show? Your jollies are all on fire --</p>
<p>I’m not wearing eyeliner. [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no! I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin'
about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy
at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything? Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like
that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize. Yes. [on
monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples. 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew!
["displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed] Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of
an entertainer. Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh? Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please.
Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the
office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after
all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!
</p>
<p>[Sighs and grunts] Orientation is over. Got it. There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an
opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work. What the heck was that? [Andy is seen
clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in
his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit
torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick
Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your
programs! Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave? Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes?
Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more
seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do
then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the "hot"
team to their great joy] Does that end the debate? Hi. So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess
he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one! Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
</p>
<p>[singing] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet
don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya... And yet
Todd, it's you who's fired. 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time.
Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes
from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute? [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth
is… our relationship is… terr- It has my face on it. Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem
with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and
you only, okay? Don't share it. [Kevin looks exasperated] Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a
high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself. Oh, I can do that. [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've
been up since four! You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair. Hope you
brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds]
Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So,
friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.</p>
<p>Well, I'd like to change it, actually. I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but
he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this
right. Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on. [singing]
Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging... Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
Christmas miracles do happen. Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar
stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys? Look, I
know that I screwed up in there. I know that I probably messed up your sale. I just want to go in and fix it. It
was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food...</p>
<p>You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our
problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he
has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.
Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services. We had a foreign exchange student live with us
when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what
is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in
shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans. I didn't find a perfect moment, because
I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long
story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year
she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then
it's perfect. I'm in no rush. I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very
good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid. Well, [Jim
enters] No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy? My idea! Their bread is very
good. Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get
really pranky when I drink. Uh, we have. Countless times.</p>
<p>Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. [Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera] Ok let's do it. [phone rings] Hello?
Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans. No. I am not going to
be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down
when I had the chance. So what's it gonna be? First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long
Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don’t
know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client. This is the prison. Uh, I am not
going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe
he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How
did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship. Not it.
I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. Who else? Who else? Ryan?</p>
<p>Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off? things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for
Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for
Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have. You remember that. I am taking a calculated
risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing.
Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Yeah. Hey, Stanley, is
that jacket make of up-dog? I suck. Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I
like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker. Oh?
Andy He's gone.</p>
<p>Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up. "Intercourse to completion. Five individual times
rendered at my discretion?" I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a
ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good. Why don't you just buy the whole song? See ya, drive safely. One of
Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this
weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the
ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that. [holding back tears] Okay... My goal is to make this office as peaceful
a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded
peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda
nice... Hey. No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.</p>
<p>Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always
hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life
right now. I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look] Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!
....Dude. I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I
don't have to pay for a sitter. No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game,
alright? [Jim nods] I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These
muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad. Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby
look at each other - Creed clip montage] All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if
Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news. Today is
ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be
insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.</p>
<p>Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad. This is humongous. I am not a security threat... Sookehhh.
[removes teeth] Bill Compton, from True Blood. I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about
a year left in these knees, though. Hey, how's Annie? You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair.
[taking pictures] Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, that’s great. I got
enough. Thank you, everybody. We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead.
But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch
marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of
kindness. Oh [bleep] yeah. Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons:
not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So
that should tell you something.</p>
<p>I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very
exciting. I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a
black person? Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base? But the device will
change that. Without a safety net, people will improve. [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone
keeps ringing] Hello? Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe
there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster,
like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret
with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the
body of a porcupine. So weird. Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught
Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well,
not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying
Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in
love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen
displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try. Yeah,
I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in
our family since before I was born.</p>
<p>That’s not… Whoops. ...I would fire Anthony Gardner... [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her
desk] Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there? Last week, I finally told Pam
about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just
wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they
came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. There are two things that I am
passionate about. Recycling and revenge. And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All
in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let's
hear it for... Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick
the Hay King myself. I pick... [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King!
All Hail your Hay King! [drowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight's worker claps] [Receptionitis15 screen name] What --
today? Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and
never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?</p>
<p>When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy
just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. Uh, what? [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven,
ninety-eight, ninety-nine- I need to make a sales call. Please? That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You
gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to
stop doing it. One step at a time. Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell. [enters] [in a gruff
voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar. [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey! We even go to
lunch, pick up babes. The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And
then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it.
This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to
tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.</p>
<p>"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic
scavenger hunt! [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa