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jason.txt
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jason.txt
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When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.
Whoa, that's a dope prank.
And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.
I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.
I didn't get into heaven to go to school.
Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
[reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.
No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.
That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.
Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?
That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.
Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.
Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.
Love you too, babe.
Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...
And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.
I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.
Can I go to your house?
Can I go there?
Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.
I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?
You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like 'rat' and 'Jason,' but I know a little wisdom I can give you.
We team up with Michael.
He has a bow tie.
I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.
I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
Yes! She does.
Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?
Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.
Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.
I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.
Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
No, sorry they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?
I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help? She got fired after I robbed the pet store where she worked. We actually robbed it together.
Long story short, it was all a dream.
And to Janet, the best robot... Girl... And straight up hottie... Any of us could have ever asked for.
Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.
Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
Is there a gift shop?
I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.
I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!
I have no idea what’s going on but everyone is talking and I should, too.
This is my bud-hole! It's just like a hole where me and my buds can hang out.
Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
I think Tahani's just embarrassed I'm not some kind of scientist who forecloses on banks.
The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good, 'cause you're good at everything. You're awesome! Be nicer to yourself.
I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?
I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime. I call right nipple. That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
So many memories of this place. Eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea and then eating more frozen yogurt and then more diarrhea. Maybe I should've realized this isn't The Good Place because of all the diarrhea.
What do you guys think The Bad Place is gonna be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert and I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... it'll never come.
Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.
Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time, Black Bortles, to set up a last second game-winning field goal.
I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
I hate suits. They remind me of court, and going to court, and being my own lawyer against the advice of a judge in court, and getting immediately convicted in court...
I was scared, dawg, but then I remembered my parole officer's advice, 'keep your mouth shut or they'll throw a book at you.'
I want you thinking about dance 24/7. That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes.
If my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach, but yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.
Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
Awesome! I love being on teams. And if we're on a team now, we need nicknames. Optimus, Bumblebee, Jazz, ugh, Megatron. That's what you can each call me. Now we need nicknames for you guys.
I have to watch the Jaguars games at home on my computer at like, 3:00 in the morning on Mondays. It's so annoying. Everything here is in a... I don't know how to describe it. Like, a different zone of time. No, that sounds stupid. A different clock land.
My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.
I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
Man, there's so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life. I could have paid my rent. I could have gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
Possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville.