From 35c320ff798ef4c1360657030a1d916b7edfa4a8 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Eileanor LaRocco Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2024 14:26:49 -0500 Subject: [PATCH] new input output --- onion.txt | 33880 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 33880 insertions(+) diff --git a/onion.txt b/onion.txt index e69de29..fc4325f 100644 --- a/onion.txt +++ b/onion.txt @@ -0,0 +1,33880 @@ +Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage +U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence +Kamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime +25 Arrested In Fake Nursing School Diploma Scheme +World’s Oldest American Dies At 72 +Report: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking Root +CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT +FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men +Study Shows Humans Still Have Genes To Grow Full Coat Of Body Hair +Look What Happens When You Leave A McDonald’s Hamburger Out On A Counter For A Year +Biden Secures Nation Extra Trash Can +ChatGPT Forced To Take Bar Exam Even Though Dream Was To Be AI Art Bot +Man Has Watched All 761 Movies +David Cronenberg Once Again Leaves Doctor’s Appointment Disappointed By Lack Of Body Horror +Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice +Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine +Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks +Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms +Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents +U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen +Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street +Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far +Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course +Expectant Couple Hoping For Human Baby +Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million +Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies +Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed +Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks +Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less +Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know +Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter +Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes +Things To Never Google After You Commit A Crime +Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley +Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers +Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight +Google Employees React To Company Layoffs +Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date +Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan +Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers +Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence +Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza +Everything Jair Bolsonaro Has Done While In Exile In Orlando +Biden Claps In Amazement After FBI Agent Pulls Classified Document From Behind His Ear +Biologists Torture Amoeba For Information On Where Life Came From +Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Marries Longtime Hallucination Of Sexy Space Babe +School Resource Officer Has Personalized Chokeslam For Every Student +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Report: Minority Of Murders Committed By Someone Victim Didn’t Know, But Could Have If They Had Gone Out And Socialized More +‘I Love That It Has Pockets,’ Says Woman Showing Off New Boyfriend +Sailor Survives 24 Days At Sea Eating Only Ketchup, Seasonings +Wealthy Family Sent Little Life Update On Senator They’re Sponsoring +Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves +Florida Bans African American Studies Course +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Parents Promise Children That Divorce Won’t Prevent Them From Drunkenly Hooking Up On Occasion +Favorite Pizza Topping In Every State +New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality +Husband Pledges To Stay Sober For 1 Or 2 Weeks While Wife Pregnant +Black Man Unaware That Book He's Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI +Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter +Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain +Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks +New Zealand Prime Minister Resigns Citing Burnout +Alito, Thomas Share Laugh After Discovering They Both Leaked Dobbs Decision +LAPD Arrests Dozens Of Homeless Residents Found Squatting In Shelter +Study: Majority Of NFL Owners Wouldn’t Let Their Children Purchase Football Team +Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges +Cautious Rock Climber Cuts Off Arm To Prevent It From Getting Pinned Underneath Fallen Boulder +Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’ +China’s Population Drops For First Time In Decades +Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches +YouTube Speedrunner Becomes Full-Blown Fascist In Record Time +Parents Feel Safer Letting Kids Drink And Drive Under Their Roof +What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder +Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm +U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991 +What To Know About ChatGPT +Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats +Golden State Warriors Present Kamala Harris With Blank Jersey +More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor +Biggest Misconceptions People Have About Polyamory +Experts Warn Gas Stoves May Slowly Ingratiate Selves In Family To Kill And Take Place Of Matriarch +‘Eat The Flesh, Suck The Bones,’ Only Thing Everyone In Buffalo Wild Wings Thinking +Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves +USDA Approves First Vaccine For Honeybees +Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut +Debt-Ridden 4th-Grader Shouldn’t Have Recklessly Invested In Lunch +Man’s Family Too Ugly To Elicit Incestuous Fantasies +Wistful Woman Doesn’t Want Kids But Still Wants To Name People +2024 Election To Be Decided By Whoever Can Keep Hand On White House The Longest +Things People Hate The Most About Nepotism Babies +Black Woman Doesn’t Want To Admit She Actually Does Know Random Other Black Woman Coworker Brought Up +Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped +Report Finds Billionaires Paying Zero Dollars In Income Taxes By Writing ‘No Thank You Please’ On Return +Field Sobriety Test Asks Driver Whether Calling Ex Sounds Like Good Idea +Andrew Tate Defense Team Assembled From Dozens Of Lawyers Trafficked From Eastern Europe +Hospital Tells Woman It Can Schedule CPR Appointment In 6 Weeks +Pizza Hut CEO Accused Of Stuffing Assets Into Offshore Crusts +Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked +‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer +Second Batch Of Classified Documents Found In Biden’s Home Garage +Trump Condemns Courts For Forcing His Already Cash-Strapped Supporters To Pay $1.6 Million Tax Fraud Fine +Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document +Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks +Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker +Logan Paul Challenges Abandoned Pet Pig To Boxing Match +Nursing Home Keeps Elderly Residents Active By Shooting At Their Feet +New York GOP Calls On George Santos To Resign +Kamala Harris Pops By Office To Print Out Concert Tickets +Dr. Scholl’s Increases Brand Awareness By Planting Products In Customers’ Purses And Claiming They Stole It +Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years +Every Lie George Santos Has Told About His Life Thus Far +Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain +Dog Worried He Always One Initiating Petting +Dr. Dre Serves Marjorie Taylor Greene Cease-And-Desist Order For Using Song +Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now +Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices +Hole In Ozone Will Mend By 2066, U.N. Report Finds +Mortuary Cosmetologist Opts To Give Client More Natural Decomposing Look +Man Memorizes Several Awkward Remarks In Case Date Not Going Uncomfortably Enough +Signs Someone Is Catfishing You +Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive +Bird Claims Its Mother Makes The Best Vomit In The World +Bolsonaro Supporters Storm Brazil’s Congress +High School Teaches Co-Parenting Skills By Having Students Fight Over Who Gets Egg For Weekend +Woman Will Never Know Intimacy Like Passing Garbage Truck Drivers Slowing Down To Point At Each Other +Signs Your Roommate Actually Hates You +Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting +Explosive Prince Harry Memoir Reveals William Used Too Much Tongue When They Kissed +Brazilians Terrified That Riot Could Lead To Tedious Congressional Hearings +McCarthy Elected Speaker After Far-Right GOP Minority Joins Rest Of Far-Right GOP Majority +Man Has Real Thing For Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Aryans Of Pure Breeding Stock +Couple Loses Life Savings After Getting Scammed Into Having Baby At Hospital +Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report +CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek +Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design +On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again +What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5 +What To Say If You Catch Your Partner Watching Pornography +Man At Gym Listening To Pump-Up Playlist To Get Courage To Take Off Shirt In Locker Room +Celebrity Thinking About Getting Pilot’s License +Vatican Defrocks Anti-Abortion Priest Who Used Aborted Fetus In Sermon +Vatican Funeral Ends With Ritual Eating Of Pope Benedict’s Body +Incredibly Productive House Of Representatives Assembles For 8th Vote In Just 3 Days +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 18 Picks +How The House Speaker Is Elected +Nation’s Children Of Alcoholics Figure They Might As Well Get Really Good At Pool +Favorite Snack In Every State +Study Finds Dolphins May Suffer From Alzheimer’s Disease +Roger Goodell Announces Thinking Too Hard About Football Has Given Him CTE +Biggest Things People Hate About ‘Wife Guys’ +Neurologists Confirm Nightmares Persist After Death +Kyler Murray Doing Everything Possible To Get Back On Xbox Live +New York Bans Pet Stores From Selling Cats, Dogs, Rabbits +Fetterman Struggling To Adapt To Size Of Capitol Building +James Patterson To Complete Unfinished Michael Crichton Book +NFL Releases Statement Clarifying There Are Not Things More Important Than Football +Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood +Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Term Limits +Iconic Artist Of ‘Huge Titty Lois Griffin’ Sadly Remains Unrecognized In His Lifetime +France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25 +Union-Busting Manager Graciously Accepts Pay Cut Because Boss Knows Best +White House Now Just Saying That Biden 52 +Man Walking Dog Will Be Judge Of What Warrants Sniffing +Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly +Biblical Archaeologists Uncover 2,000-Year-Old Poster-Board Photo Collage Displayed At Jesus’ Funeral +World’s Oldest Jeans Found In 1857 Shipwreck Sell For $114,000 +REI Introduces Fleece Supplements To Insulate Digestive Tract +Things To Never Say To Someone Who Loves Elon Musk +New Zealand Imposes Lifelong Ban On Youth Buying Cigarettes +E.U. To Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights +NFL Gravediggers Rush To Field To Bury Unconscious Player +12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé +Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives +Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor +FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them +Report: We Can Tell You’ve Been Clicking On Other Websites +Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal +Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth +Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States +Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership +Penguin To Publish ‘Classic’ Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash +Cheap Nation Falling Apart +Dalai Lama Worried There’s Nothing More To Life Than Feeling Deep Connection With All Existence +Mattel Confirms That Animated Version Of Barney Still Has Man Inside +Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight +What Fox News Anchors Said Privately About Trump’s Election Lies +One In 8 Americans Over 50 Addicted To Highly Processed Foods +Problematic Friend Argues That Kanye Makes Some Good Points About Shoes +Week In Review: February 26, 2023 +Man Has To Admit Air Fryer That Burned Down House Did Pretty Good Job On Tater Tots +Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards +War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine +Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie +Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S. +Nation Installs 2,000 Mile Long Privacy Curtain After Mexico Sees It Naked +Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor +Man Kicks Himself After Thinking Of Perfect Gun He Could Have Used To Win Argument +Bill Gates Ponders What He Could Have Accomplished If He Didn’t Waste Time Becoming Billionaire +FDA Rules Any White Liquid Can Be Called Milk +‘I Hope Joe Burrow Takes A Team-Friendly Deal,’ Says Fan Who Will Be Laid Off Without Severance +Pete Buttigieg Under Fire For Using Federal Funds For Gilded Handcar +2,000-Year-Old Roman Sex Toy Found In England +Fish And Wildlife Service Announces Great Trout War Has Finally Ended +What To Know About ‘The Last Of Us’ +Nation In State Of Emergency After Entire Population Goes Missing +Saddest Requests Elon Musk Has Made At Twitter Since Taking Over +First Generation iPhone Sells For $63,000 +‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli Raid,’ Reads Headline That Could Have Run Any Week For Past 75 Years +Baltimore Ravens Top ESPN’s Way-Too-Late 2012 NFL Power Rankings +Astute Movie Viewer Can Tell Dog Not Really Talking +Woman Just Has One Of Those Faces Strangers Feel Comfortable Masturbating To +The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With J.K. Rowling +Parents Trick Child Into Eating More Vegetables By Hitting Him If He Doesn’t Eat Vegetables +Alabama Taking Steps Toward Using Nitrogen As Execution Method +Over 100 Children Found Working Hazardous Jobs At Slaughterhouses +Ohio Officials Point At Glass Of Water To Assure East Palestine Residents It Safe To Look At +U.S. Successfully Shoots Down Kid Jumping Too High On Trampoline +Apologetic Don Lemon Clarifies A Woman’s Relevance Is Not Defined By Age, But Conventional Attractiveness +Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online +Study Finds More Americans Turning To Own Feverish Imaginations For News +Man Never Thought He’d Become One Of Those Bug-Laid-Eggs-In-His-Ear Kind Of Guys +Woman Surprised By How Easy It Is To Get Along With Sister Now That They’re Adults Who Never See Each Other +Weirdest Things People Do To Celebrate Mardi Gras +God Admits He’s A Little Flattered When Someone Kills In His Name +Marrying Woman Who Doesn’t Eat Her Pizza Crusts Best Decision Man Ever Made +Catalytic Converter Stolen From Oscar Mayer Wienermobile +Compassionate Pete Buttigieg Cuts Train’s Brake Lines So It Can Run Free +Rick Moranis Announces Plan To Pop Into Your Head Right Before You Orgasm +Mature Cat Not Going To Waste Time Chasing Laser That Doesn’t Want Her +Politicians Explain Why TikTok Should Be Banned +Evangelical Leaders Announce J.K. Rowling Finally Bigoted Enough That It’s Okay For Kids To Read About Witchcraft +‘Layoffs A-Comin’,’ Whispers Wizened Office Sage Staring Out Over Horizon +Girlfriend Makes Fun Of Man For Loving Sports Even Though She’s Obsessed With Taking Care Of Dying Mother +Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll +U.S. Credit Card Debt Reaches Record High +Male Birth Control That Paralyzes Sperm For 2 Hours 100% Effective In Lab Mice +‘Harry Potter’ Fan Always Dreamed Of Receiving Magical Defamation Letter From J.K. Rowling +It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible +Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Drag Shows +Doomsday Prepper Hoards Chili’s Gift Cards In Case He Needs Casual Dining After The Apocalypse +Annoyed Man Rates UberEats Driver 3 Stars For Having To Pry Order Out Of Their Dead Frozen Hands +Conservationists Tout Successful Restoration Efforts After Dolphins Spotted On Mars For First Time Since 1973 +Wyoming Republicans Criticize Bill Raising Legal Marriage Age To 18 +Cackling Oil Executive Watches Through Crystal Orb As Greta Thunberg Gets Lost In Nordic Forest +Officials Champion Ohio Train Derailment As Deregulation Success Story +New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Would Have Driven Selves To Extinction Through Greed And Complacency Anyway +Signs Someone Is A Pathological Liar +Kidney Freaking Out After Waking Up In Cooler Full Of Ice With Rest Of Man Missing +What To Know About The Train Derailment And Toxic Chemicals In Ohio +Dianne Feinstein Announces She Won’t Run For Reelection in 2024 +Nikki Haley Panicking After Someone Actually Orders Campaign T-Shirt +Blundering U.S. Accidentally Stabilizes Foreign Country +U.S. Health Secretary Hopes No Ones Sees Her Take Quick Hit From Vape Pen +Dry Humping At 16 Still Peak Of Man’s Abilities As Sexual Partner +What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Joe Rogan +Ethical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To Mine +Florida Mom Packs Little Manifesto In Child’s Lunch +Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much +Valentine’s Dinner Ruined After Boyfriend Overcooks Edible Underwear +Adam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII +Fear Of Rejection Prevents Man From Asking Woman What Her Underwear Smells Like +Archaeologists Discover Early Humans Developed Shelter To Provide Passive Income Stream For Landlords +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Bird Leaders Defend Shooting Down Aircraft That Illegally Entered Avian Airspace +Nation Frantically Prepares For Romantic Ejaculation +Amazon Echo Declares It Heard Everything And It’s Taking The Kids +Report Finds Mark Kelly Just Person ActBlue Made Up +Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day +Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day +Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII +Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High +Baby Paranoid After Discovering Parents Bugged His Crib +Top Super Bowl Ad Features Paul Rudd Urging Americans To Drive Chevy Far Away From This Grim And Dying Nation +George Santos Signs With IMG Models +Study: 1 In 20 Americans Develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome From Repetitive Chip Dipping +Things To Never Say To A Strip Club Performer +No One Has Heart To Tell Man That They Are All Figments Of His Untethered Mind +California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching ‘Cowboy Bebop’ +New FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back House +Couple Leaves Baby At Airport Check-In After Refusing To Buy Child Ticket +Report: This Last Time Chiefs Super Bowl Victory Will Be Enjoyable +Chiefs Medical Staff Help Critically Hungry Andy Reid Into Meat-Smoking Tent +Andy Reid Admits He Can Still Taste Last Super Bowl Victory In Mustache +Report: 84% Of Super Bowl Ads Specifically Intended To Distract From Human Rights Violation +Kevin Burkhardt: ‘The Men, They Begin Their Brutal Clash, And We—We Cheer Their Broken Bodies’ +Shy Andy Reid Asks Eagles If They Remember Him +Roger Goodell Just Hoping For Competitive Game Where No One Dies On Field, Mentions League’s Record On Race, Brings Up CTE, Highlights Discriminatory Hiring Practices, Or Says ‘Deshaun Watson’ +Kelce Brothers Beg NFL To Let Them Play On Same Team For Super Bowl +Things To Never Say To An Eagles Fan +Things To Never Say To A Chiefs Fan +‘Late Late Show’ Canceled After Almost 30 Years On CBS +Man Abuses Dog Because He Was Abused By Dog Who Owned Him As A Child +Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LVII +Kamala Harris Exasperatedly Explains Her Job To Aunt Again +Officials Brag That U.S. Military Has All The Different Kinds Of Guns +What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Andrew Tate +Grammy For Best Hidden Track Awarded Just As Everyone Thought Ceremony Over +Mom Sick Of Reminding Lazy Teenager To Reload Family Gun After Shooting Sprees +U.S. Demands U.N. Pass Resolution Officially Stating America Is Nice +AMC Theatres To Change Movie Ticket Prices Based On Seat Location +CEOs Explain How They Are Celebrating Black History Month +Biden Delivers State Of The Union +Anxious Marjorie Taylor Greene Wondering If She Talked Too Much Last Night +Mitt Romney Exhausted After Scolding All 535 Liars In Congress +Highlights Of Biden’s State Of The Union Address +Study Links Stress To Desperately Grasping For Out-Of-Reach Weapon As Villain Approaches +Loyal Dog Spends Hours Each Day Humping Owner’s Grave +Whistleblower Uncovers CIA Plot To Get President Laid +Patient Who Was Declared Dead Found Still Alive In Body Bag +Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address +Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying +‘But The Scary Balloon Popped, So They Went Back To Worrying About The Recession Monster,’ Says Joe Biden, Reading Illustrated Children’s State Of The Union +‘Eh…You Get The Picture,’ Says Biden, Ending State Of The Union 45 Seconds Into Speech +AMC Now Basing Ticket Prices On Proximity To Guy Masturbating In Dark +George Santos Panicking After Prospective Aide He Thought He Made Up Accuses Him Of Sexual Misconduct +Man Sues Woman For ‘Emotional Trauma’ After Rejecting Him +Nation’s Children Rocked By Getting Molested Scandal +Tom Brady Fans React To His Retirement +Police Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo +Sponsored: 18 More Days Until You’re Struck And Killed By Kia Sorento +Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences +Harry Styles Figures He Should Listen To His Album Now That It Won Grammy +Suburban School Worker Charged With Stealing $1.5 Million Worth Of Chicken Wings +Books Ron DeSantis Has Banned In Florida +‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC +The Super Company Announces It’s Not Renewing Sponsorship Contract With NFL Bowl Game +Study Finds Majority Of Americans No Longer Bothering To Unwrap Hamburger +Cancer Patient Harasses Poor Little Insurance Company Into Covering Bill +Police Chief Vows Officer Accused Of Misconduct Will Receive Harshest Possible Nickname +NFL Medical Personnel Race For Quickest Ligament Repair During Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge +President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11 +Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance +Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon +Florida Board Of Education Removes Africa From World Maps +Geneticists Announce They Have Resurrected Woolly Mammoth’s Trunk Only +Newly Discovered Sketches Reveal Regional Chain Restaurants Lewis And Clark Encountered On Expedition Across America +Tom Brady Retires Again +Rules To Follow When Dating A Friend’s Ex +Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO +Biden Casually Tells National Prayer Breakfast He’s Been To Heaven Several Times +Victoria’s Secret Apologizes For Ill-Advised Body Positivity Campaign Showing Horse Wearing Bra +What To Know About YouTube Influencer MrBeast +Scientists Reverse Aging Process In Mice +Woman Puts On True Crime Podcast To Entertain Herself While Cleaning Up Husband’s Entrails +Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster +City Hopes Building Freeway Through White Neighborhood Can Count As Reparations +George Santos To Recuse Self From House Committees +Exclusive Interview With George Santos +Ticketmaster To Require Purchase Of Round-Trip Concert Tickets For Exiting Venue After Show +Whites Ousted From Role As Master Race After Racist Past Comes To Light +Things To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFans +‘I Finally Made The Switch From Coffee,’ Says Man Holding Gun To His Head To Get Adrenaline Rush +29-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Posing As High School Student +Cop Confused After Pouring Fentanyl On Wife Doesn’t Do Anything +Study Suggests ‘Dad Jokes’ May Help Kids Develop Into Healthy Adults +Annotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White +D.C. Lobbyists Pay Senators 5 Bucks To Fight Each Other +Catholic High School Newsletter Has Updates On Which Alumni Are In Hell Now +Jason Sudeikis Takes White House Lectern To Drunkenly Rant About How Harry Styles Ruined His Life +Jimmy Carter Gets Vasectomy +U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth +Dunkin’ Discontinues Fan-Favorite Dunkaccino Drink +Woman Gives Friend A Call On Way Home To Take Mind Off Dangerous Road Conditions +Clearblue Introduces New At-Home Test That Tells You If You’re Beautiful +Children React To Loosened Child Labor Laws +French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed +Neighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went On Killing Rampage +Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfriend Closes In On Truth +Lazy EPA Tries To Claim They Successfully Brought Dogs Back From Brink Of Extinction +Congress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On Rutabagas +Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch Programs +Nation’s Mothers Announce Plans To Show You Their Spider Veins +Michigan To Become First State To Repeal Right-To-Work Laws In 60 Years +Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2 +Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid +Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison +Americans Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day +Federal Reserve Assures Venture Capitalists That They’re Very Smart And Important +‘Shazam!’ Sequel Occurs +Nauseous St. Patrick’s Day Reveler Unsure Whether He’s Going To Vomit Or Punch +EPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep It +Locksmith Called After Man Loses Incantation Used To Open Ancient Stone Chamber +Area Teen Watching March Madness Enters 2-Week Phase Where Dream School Is Creighton +ChatGPT Starting To Think Journalist Could One Day Be Capable Of Independent Thought +New NCAA Streaming Service Lets Fans Watch 4 Capital One Commercials At Same Time +Conservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans Bigotry +Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake +HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The Sopranos’ Ever Existed +Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned +Conservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third Reich +T-Mobile Acquires Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile In Effort To Make Company More Annoying +What To Know About The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse +Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Government Will Bail Out Anytime They Fuck Up +Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10 +Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles +Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense +Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail +5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida +Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska +Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page +Twin Absorbs Sibling At 62 +Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse +Fast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today +Tucker Carlson’s Biggest Lies +Starbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarters To Use Bathroom +Buffalo Wild Wings Sued Over Claim That ‘Boneless Wings’ Aren’t Wings +Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina +Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After Being Pushed Shirt That Says ‘I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees’ +Police Arrest Woman Reporting Domestic Abuse For Being Tattletale +Browns Impressed With Jalen Carter’s Reckless Disregard For Life +New Hyundai Elantra Wins J.D. Power And Associates Award For Sluttiest Car +Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form +Berlin To Allow Women To Go Topless In Public Pools +Atlanta Police Explain Why They Need ‘Cop City’ +Silicon Valley Bank Collapses In Biggest Bank Failure Since 2008 Financial Crisis +U.S. Military Discovers Bootleg F-22 Fighter Jets For Sale From Hundreds Of AliExpress Vendors +Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again +Fetus Panics After Ballooning Up To 500 Times Her Original Weight +Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great +2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating +Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times +Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant +Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital +McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D.C. Hotel +SpaceX Crew Member Realizes He Fired After Being Locked Out Of Capsule +Trump One-Ups Ron DeSantis By Claiming He Tortured More Prisoners At Guantánamo Bay +Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First +Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants To Know Where Colleagues Stand Before Pulling Curtain Off Giant Cage +The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars +MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People +New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavish Fleet Of Private Donkeys +Could You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75? +Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Today So You Can Take Afternoon Off And Have Fun +Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back Child Labor Protections +Dog Annoyed Vet Weighing Her With Jacket And Boots Still On +Bored Census Bureau Employee Changes Every Ohio Resident’s Name to Laura +Ron DeSantis Oversees Program Offering Florida Students Free Force-Fed Meals +Pros And Cons Of Banning Books +Toblerone Drops Iconic Design Due To Rules On ‘Swissness’ +Grim Reaper Slows Pace On Sidewalk So As Not To Freak Out Woman Walking Ahead Of Him +Biggest Hidden Costs Of Giving Birth In America +Walgreens Announces Stores Won’t Sell Abortion Pills In 21 GOP-Led States +International Women’s Day: Roundup +Democrats Demand Republicans Push Anti-Trans Agenda More Quietly +Kellyanne And George Conway Announce Divorce +Covid-Paranoid Man Still Won’t Remove Ventilator +History Of The Women’s Rights Movement +Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top +200 Human Rights Groups Urge U.N. To Intervene Over U.S. Abortion Access +CDC Issues Dire Warning That Nick Cannon Is Feeling Horny +Walgreens Clarifies Stores Still Selling Plenty Of Household Products That’ll Abort A Fetus +New Study Finds Hightailing It Still Most Popular Way Outta Here +Jimmy Carter Beginning To Worry That He Will Never Die +Congress Considers Banning TikTok After App Makes Every Senator Bulimic +Tennessee Bans Drag Show Performances On Public Property +Man Too Chickenshit To Blow Up Oil Refinery Guesses He’ll Try To Eat More Locally +U.S. Government Coyly Denies Involvement In Anything Naughty +Biggest Lies Norfolk Southern Has Told East Palestine Residents +Netflix Announces There No Way In Hell It Giving Biden 5-Episode Nature Special After Office +Japan Discovers 7,000 New Islands It Didn’t Know It Had +AI Chatbot Obviously Trying To Wind Down Conversation With Boring Human +New NFL Combine Drill Tests Player’s Ability To Half-Ass Taping Of Local Sandwich Shop Commercial +Stable, Content Woman Only Has A Few Months Left Before Thinking About Ron DeSantis Every Day +Man Finally Mature And Loving Enough To Be Good Partner After He No Longer Attractive +Questions That ChatGPT Is Not Allowed To Answer +Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Asked To Vacate U.K. Home +Bathroom Attendant Offers Man Sticker For Using Potty All On His Own +Ron DeSantis Rails Against Woke Pants For Making His Ass Look Huge +Women Explain Why They Became Tradwives +Eric Adams Leaps Off Empire State Building Wearing Homemade Wingsuit +Black Employees Board Up Break Room Against Ravenous Horde Of White Coworkers Reaching To Touch Their Hair +Most Controversial Statements By CPAC Speakers +Man Sets World Record Visiting Disneyland Nearly 3,000 Days In A Row +High Cost Of Child Care Forcing More Toddlers To Work Their Way Through Preschool +CPAC To Feature Exhibit Where Visitors Can Toss Raw Chicken To Rudy Giuliani +CPAC Audience Encouraged To Reach Under Chair To Be Groped By Matt Schlapp +City Finally Safe After Every Single Resident Hired As Police +U.S. Adds $19 Trillion In Debt Attempting To Win Toy For Girlfriend From Claw Machine +What To Know About ‘Hogwarts Legacy’ +Filthy, Grease-Covered Boyfriend Left To Soak In Kitchen Sink For Few Hours +European Space Agency Proposes New Time Zone For Moon +Sex-Related Injuries That Could Send You To The Hospital +Shirley Chisholm Proves that Behind Every Great Woman, There’s a Man Who Needs to Shut Up +What Got General Grant Through the Last Days of the Civil War? The Promise of Getting Sh*tfaced +Post-Revolution Russian Government Splurged on Takeout, Only to be Thwarted by the Delivery Guy +Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End +Sexlicious! Original Version of 'The Kama Sutra' Contained Recipe Pairings +CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Company +New Absolut Ad Features Swaying Mom With One Eye Closed Telling Camera She Used To Dance +‘Dilbert’ Comic Strip Dropped After Racist Rant By Creator Scott Adams +Russian YouTuber With Pet Panther Struggling To Find Way To Stand Out On Site +Los Angeles Warns Residents Not To Touch Poisoned Food Left Out To Deal With Homeless Infestation +Things To Never Say To Someone During A Bad Drug Trip +Tennessee School District Bans Holocaust Graphic Novel ‘Maus’ +Red Flags To Look For When Booking An Airbnb +Crypto Executives Assuage Environmental Concerns By Unveiling Digital Avatar Of Glacier +San Jose To Become First City In U.S. To Require Gun Insurance +U.S. Sends Military Advisors To Peace-Ravaged Country +Woman Disgusted By Magazine’s Glaring Use Of Photoshop In Spot-The-Difference Picture Game +Community Hopes Killing 2 In Drunk-Driving Accident Serves As Wake-Up Call To Promising Young Rich Kid +SpaceX Rocket Part On Collision Course With Moon +Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage +Greatest NFL Playoff Moments +‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves +Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants +Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift +China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win +NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole +Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer +Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory +Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire +MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary +Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts +Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You +The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen +Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom +Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy +Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions +Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer +Neil Young Demands Spotify Remove His Music Over Joe Rogan Vaccine Misinformation +Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto +John Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single Championship +Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring +Police Flip Through Unsolved Crimes To See What Else They Can Pin On Mentally Disabled Man +The Onion Guide To NATO +Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. 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ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s +Teen Pilot Becomes Youngest Woman To Fly Around World Solo +Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks +Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value +Pragmatic Extremist Stresses Importance Of Assassinating Local Politicians +New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War +Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office +M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’ +Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine +Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want +NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams +‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday +Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads +Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted 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Time +Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People +Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever +Lies U.S. Military Recruiters Are Legally Allowed To Tell Recruits +Understanding The Situation In Ukraine +Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery +Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957 +Medical Student Surgically Implants Bluetooth Device Into Ear To Cheat On Final Exam +U.S. Imposes Single Painful Economic Sanction On Self Just To Show Russia How Fucking Crazy It Is +Finale Of ‘Arthur’, Longest-Running Children’s Show, Ends With 20-Year Time Jump +U.S. Shocked Russia Would Invade Another Country After Seeing How Badly America’s Recent Invasions Went +World Leaders Vow Regular People Just Trying To Live Their Lives Will Bear The Consequences +Man Dreams Of More Equal America That Just Sort Of Happens On Its Own +Scotch-Brite Unveils New Scouring Bread For Wiping Up Leftover Pasta Sauce On Plate +Amazon Transfers Insubordinate Employee To Shifts Working In Solitary Warehouse +Celebrities You Never Knew Started Their Own Alcohol Brand +Father Arrested After Telling 4-Year-Old Son To Shoot Officers At McDonald’s +500-Pound Bear, ‘Hank the Tank’, Breaking Into California Homes For Food +The Onion Guide To Trump-Backed Truth Social +Famous Authors React To Their Books Being Banned +Military Recruiter’s Pitch Surprisingly Upfront About How Many Civilians You Get To Kill +Disappointed Baby Takes Plastic Bag Off Head After Reading ‘Warning: Not A Children’s Toy’ +Crows Trained To Pick Up Cigarette Butts In Sweden +Fiery Cargo Ship Full Of Porsches Adrift In Ocean +New iPhone Setting Reduces Eyestrain With Black Text On Identical Black Background +Report: Everyone Was Counting On You And You Let Them Down +Restaurant Kitchen Must Have Incredible Diversity 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Having Sex In Public After Daughter Sees Monkeys Mating At Zoo +Champagne Sales Reach All-Time High +Oscars Organizers Fire Wanda Sykes After Discovering History Of Gay Jokes +Judge Dismisses ‘New York Times’ Libel Suit Brought By Cannibal Terrorist Sarah Palin +Societal Pressure To Conform Doing Nothing But Favors For Area Man +Jell-O Recipe Repeatedly Suggests One Could Mix Cremated Loved Ones Into Gelatin Mold +Man Who Lost Whole Family Really Commandeering AA Meeting +Ohio Mayor Concerned Ice Shanties Would Lead To Prostitution +Warning Signs A Covid Testing Site Might Be A Scam +America Celebrates Valentine’s Day +Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Single On Valentine’s Day +Study Finds Pop-Up Ads Evolved Decoy ‘X’ To Distract Predators +Obama Reveals He Almost Passed On Presidency For Chance To Direct ‘Leatherheads’ +Artificially Intelligent Amazon Supercomputer Stuck In Dead-End Retail Job +60,000 Bees Stolen From U.S. Supermarket Headquarters +8-And-A-Half-Month-Old Fetus 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Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts +Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances +Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career +Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary +Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel +Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election +Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout +KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home +Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table +Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns +Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates +DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes +What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage +Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride +People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years +Febreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough Odors +Johnny Depp Loses All Support After Fans Realize They’ve Been Confusing Him For Orlando Bloom +Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way +Judges Rule Calling Men ‘Bald’ Constitutes Sexual Harassment +Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026 +Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades +Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures +L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood +Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air +Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes +‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood +Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time +Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown +New York City Mayor Signs Law Requiring Job Postings To Include Minimum And Maximum Salary +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools +Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries +Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time +Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House +Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut +Every Radio Station In Rural Area Playing Same Stupid Emergency Tornado Warning +James Cromwell Glues Hand To Starbucks Counter To Protest Surcharge For Plant-Based Milk +Biden Administration Capping Cost of Internet For Low-Income Americans +Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat +Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill +What You Need To Know About Microplastics +Passenger With No Flight Experience Lands Plane After Pilot Becomes Incapacitated +Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities +Respectful Bear Waiting To Attack Tent Until Couple Inside Finishes Fight +Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss +Plan B Unveils Emergency Team Of Brawny Men To Shake Down Impregnator For Abortion Money +Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research +Apple Discontinuing iPod After 21 Years +Tom Brady’s Announcing Deal Includes Incentives For Number Of Verbs Used +Google Maps Adds Shortcuts Through Houses Of People Google Knows Aren’t Home Right Now +Study Finds Only 2% Of Americans Can Draw Cool Flames +Disrobing Austrian Man Asks World To Give Themselves Over To Pleasure +Surprising Benefits McDonald’s Workers Get In Denmark +1,000-Year-Old Cave Carvings Of Mysterious Giant Humanoids Discovered In Alabama +Study: 93% Of Districts In Major U.S. Cities Unaffordable To Black Residents +The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn +PetSmart Unveils New Waterboarding Kit For Teaching Cats To Stay Off Counters +Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes +‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet +Study Finds Thanking Veterans For Their Service Immediately Triggers PTSD +Nationwide Baby Formula Shortage Worsening +‘I’m From Michigan, Too,’ Says Man Hitting It Off With Locally Grown Lettuce +‘New York Times’ Drops ‘Fetus’ As Wordle Solution +Missouri Welcomes Women Unable To Get Arrested For Abortion In Home State +Man Charged With Murdering His Wife Wins Indiana GOP Primary +Bombshell Report Finds Democrats Conspiring With Bookie To Deliberately Throw Midterms +Study Finds Flying On Airplane Far Safer Than Flying In Car +Shell Announces Plans To Plant Single Tree For Every Irreversible Planetary Disaster It Causes +Dad Delivers Annual State Of The Lawn Address +Rideshare Drivers Describe Their Worst Experience With A Customer +Louisiana Lawmakers Advance Bill To Classify Abortion As Homicide +New HGTV Show Sends Couple To Old Houses To Call Them Disgusting +Pharmacists Warn Against Sharing Prescription Drugs With Someone Who Wouldn’t Do Same For You +Louisiana Police Officer Plants Aborted Fetus On Black Suspect +Conservatives Explain What Free Speech Means To Them +Study Shows Mothers Who Outearn Husbands Also Do More Housework +Longtime Farmers Market Vendor Knows Enthusiasm For New Jam Guy Will Eventually Fade +Grieving Family Comes To Terms With Grandmother’s Death By Accepting That She Sucked +Teacher Embarrassed After Student Recognizes Her Working At Second Job +Fascinated God Attends His First Shabbat Dinner +Satanic Temple Asks Boston To Fly Flag After Supreme Court Ruling +Study Finds Average Giant Swallows 8 Americans In Sleep Every Year +Period Tracking App Adds ‘Surrender To Authorities’ Feature +Greatest Moms In U.S. History +Study: Greatest Indicator Of Stress Blowing Hair Off Face While Carrying Complicated Coffee Order For Boss Across Bustling City Streets +Potential Roe v. Wade Overturning: How Did We Get Here? +Graduation Audience Tears Up After Skeleton Shows Up To Accept Posthumous Degree +Diminished James Harden Not Flopping With Same Agility +TurboTax To Pay $141 Million Fine For Steering Customers Away From Free Services +Aliens Making First Contact Excitedly Ask To Meet Princess Di +Stanford University Receives $1.1 Billion For New Climate School +‘What Is This For Again?’ Asks Madison Cawthorn Stripping Nude As Kevin McCarthy Holds Up Camcorder +Trigger Laws In 13 States To Automatically Detonate Abortion Clinics Moment Roe v. Wade Overturned +Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything +A Week In The Life Of Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson +Couple’s Wedding Website Has 18-Plus Section Where Guests Can Read Story Of First Hookup +Study Finds Dogs’ Personalities Have Little To Do With Breed +Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom +Leaked Opinion Suggests Supreme Court Will Overturn ‘Roe V. Wade’ +Mars Introduces New Crab-Stuffed M&M’s +Barry White Estate Shares Previously Unreleased Album From Era When Singer Was Confused Virgin Frightened By Sex +2022 Midterms: Primary Elections To Watch +Foil Blanket Draped Over Panting Coworker Who Just Took Stairs +Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage +Poor Kid Really Good At Grocery Part Of ‘The Price Is Right’ +Report: Some Tick Bites Causing Lifelong Red Meat Allergies +‘Guess That Makes Him Or Her Some Kind Of American Hero, Huh?’ Says Supreme Court Leaker Discussing News With Coworkers +Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution +Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court +Abbey In UK Seeking To Break World Record For Largest Vampire Gathering +What To Say To Someone Considering Abortion +Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method +Man Opening Mailbox Again Knows He Still Won’t Find Anything To Eat In There +Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text +Parents Support Son’s Dream Of Becoming NASCAR Driver By Putting Up 2.5-Mile Motor Speedway In Backyard +Americans Bring ‘Souvenir’ Artillery Shell To Israel Airport +Pelosi Makes Unannounced Trip To Kyiv To Meet With Zelensky +Wi-Fi Password On Post-It Note Read Aloud Like Incantation From Ancient Spell Book +Quiz: Is It Trash Or Recycling? +Couple Unable To Watch Single Episode Of ‘Daniel Tiger’ Since Son Died +Study Shows Even Small Amounts Of Exercise Can Fight Depression +Paintball Course Triggers Combat Veteran’s Flashback To Afghanistan Paintball Course +Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices +Justice Breyer Officially Retires +Elmo Receives Vasectomy In PSA On Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies +Amy Coney Barrett Worried Rest Of Feminist Book Club Mad At Her +Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July +Completely Legal Reasons Pharmacists Can Use To Refuse Birth Control +Airbnb Banning Party Houses Permanently +The Causes Of Higher Gas Prices +Man Disgusted After Shining Blacklight On Ejaculating Penis +Former Aide: Trump Was Told Protesters Had Weapons On Jan. 6 +The Onion Shares Its Social Media Guidelines For Reporters +Migrant Imprisoned At Border Should Weep In English +Hospital Vaporized By Powerful Blast Of Energy Released From Splitting Conjoined Twins +Pete Buttigieg’s Locomotive Always Taking Up 2 Whole Parking Spots +Americans Discuss Whether Biden Should Run Again +Flu Vaccine Linked To 40% Reduced Risk Of Alzheimer’s Disease +Dumbass Kid Bringing Mitt To MLB Game Must Think He’s Actually Going To Play +Ghislaine Maxwell Receives Lighter Sentence For Years Of Dedicated Work With Children +Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong To Renounce U.S. Citizenship Over Roe v. Wade Ruling +Supreme Court Ruling Allows Public School Teachers To Lead Students In Crusades +Americans React To Roe V. Wade Being Overturned +Losing Custody Of Kids Only Makes Single Dad More Appealing +Man Hopes Nicely Dug Grave Will Get Him Back In Captors’ Good Graces +Study Finds Majority Of Florida Students Can’t Pass Basic Test Of Racial Purity +Friends Always Trying To Set Up Single Woman With New Puzzle +Senators Say Trump Supreme Court Nominees Misled Them +Bipartisan Gun Control Bill Signed Into Law +Therapist Not That Invested In Patient But Likes Having Her On In Background +Fisher-Price Plastic Food Giving Kids Unrealistic Expectation That There Will Be Enough Food +Guy Being Electrocuted Embarrassed Everyone Can See His Whole Skeleton Right Now +Amazing In-Flight Perks That Airlines Had In The 1960s +Realistic Concept Art For New Luxury Condos Features Homeless Man Getting Arrested +Woman At Potluck Disappointed After No One Even Tried Napkins She Brought +What To Know About Covid Vaccines For Kids Under 5 +CEO Doesn’t Expect Any Upcoming Layoffs Employees Deserve To Know About +Polio Detected In U.K. For First Time In 40 Years +Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Surgery Performed By Male Janitor +Supreme Court Issues Decision Making It Easier To Carry Guns In Public +Anti-Abortion Advocate Excitedly Switches Focus To Shaming Young Unwed Mothers +Nation’s Centrists Stubbornly Double Down On Claim That Roe v. Wade Not At Risk +Kavanaugh, Thomas Champion Creating Better Future For Next Generation Of Rapists +Things To Never Say To Someone Who Just Came Out +Failure To Stand On One Leg For 10 Seconds Linked To Increased Risk Of Death +Canada Banning Single-Use Plastics +God Brings Into Existence Second God To Do All His Creation For Him +Airlines Hiring Anyone Who Looks Good In Crisp Uniform To Offset Pilot Shortage +The Onion’s Summer 2022 Movie Preview +IT Guy Requests Employees Stop Placing Difficult-To-Remove Stickers On Him +Russian Journalist Auctions Off Nobel Peace Prize For $103.5 Million To Help Ukraine +Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull +Grandma Coughing Better These Days +Supreme Court Approves Use Of Public Money For Religious Education +Experts Recommend Raising Minimum Age For Committing Mass Shootings To 21 +New Footage Shows Uvalde Police Rushing Into School To Take Selfies With Shooter +Preacher Not Drenched In Sweat Must Not Be Very Connected To Holy Spirit +Excerpts From Ginni Thomas’ Emails Attempting To Overturn The 2020 Election +Florida Only State Not Preordering Toddler Covid-19 Vaccines +Woman Throws Away All The Food In Grocery Store So She Won’t Be Tempted +Zoetrope A Little Thin On Plot +Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp +Indoor Cat Wouldn’t Last A Day In The High-Octane World Of Street Racing +Children Served Floor Sealant Instead Of Milk At Alaska Day Care +Experts Say Ongoing Institutional Crisis In Haiti Could Be Decisive Piece Of Knowledge That Makes You Seem Smart +Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable +Texans Explain Why They Are Voting For Greg Abbott +BTK Ready To Start Dating Again +Mental Health Experts Warn Lack Of Purpose, Accomplishments Could Be Sign Democratic Leaders Depressed +China Says It May Have Detected Signals From Alien Civilizations +Encouraging Report Finds Most Of Planet Will Still Be Habitable In 2023 +Britney Spears Placed Under Conservatorship Again After Court Determines She’s Having Too Much Fun +Christian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For Church Leader +Whole Conversation Wasted Getting To Know New Neighbors Who Were Just Airbnb Guests +Biggest Revelations From The Jan. 6 Hearings +Employee Always Complaining About No Time Off Suddenly Upset About Getting Fired +Study Finds U.S. Could Have Saved 338,000 Lives From Covid With Universal Healthcare +Fed Raises Interest Rates In Effort To—Hey, Pay Attention, This Is Important! +New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park +Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol +Grandma Didn’t Exactly Live In 6 Countries Because She Loved To Travel +Kid With Kitchen Play Set In Bedroom One-Upped By Poor Friend Who Sleeps Next To Real Stove +Ancient Greek ‘Yearbook’ Discovered On 2,000-Year-Old Tablet +Company Offering $2,000 To Release 100 Cockroaches Into Home +Tampon Shortage Solved After Woman Shakes Out Bag +Top Experts Divided On Whether It’s Better To Beat The Heat Or Have Fun In The Sun +Study Links Postpartum Depression To Baby Immediately Slapping, Flipping Off Mother After Birth +Most Frequent Google Search In Every State +BREAKING: Onion Lotto Jackpot Up To 9 Bucks +Motorcycle-Revving Janet Yellen Folds Up Picture Of Cryptocurrency Before Speeding Away +Onion Gift Guide: Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad +New Ohio Law Allows School Employees To Carry Guns With 24 Hours Of Training +Over 100 Million Americans Under Extreme Heat Advisories Across U.S. +Biggest Republican Talking Points To Downplay January 6 +NASA Astronauts Prepare For Mission To Mars By Spending Year Living In Simulated Colony On Venus +Philharmonic Orchestra Conductor Receives 8-Concert Suspension For Using Corked Baton +Kidnapper Surprised Pulling Out Hostage’s Fingernails Didn’t End Stockholm Syndrome +Two M&M Factory Workers Rescued After Falling Into Chocolate-Filled Vat +Jennifer Hudson Achieves EGOT Status +Study: Inflation Forcing More Americans To Choose Between Buying Groceries, Aston Martin DBS +Nature Made Releases New Melatonin Formula Promising 40% Fewer Spider Nightmares +‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant On Long Winning Streak Only Has Dark Anecdotes Left To Share +Experimental Cancer Drug Sees 100% Success Rate In Clinical Trial +Americans Explain Why They Oppose Abolishing The Police +Politician Supports Right Of Protesters To Assemble Anywhere SUV Can Plow Through Them +U-Haul Full Of White Supremacists Planning Riot At Pride Event Arrested +HGTV Stars Reveal How They Cut Corners Behind The Scenes +Ant Out Of Its Fucking Mind If It Thinks It Getting Any Of Man’s Pie +New Department Of Energy Program Incentivizes Pedestrians, Cyclists To Switch To Electric Vehicles +Must-Play Games On PlayStation Plus Premium +Nation Becoming More And More Comfortable Masturbating Indoors Again +World’s Great White Sharks Call For Immediate Release Of All Caged Scuba Divers +E.U. To Mandate Universal Charging Port For New Devices +Michigan GOP Governor Candidate Arrested For Role In Capitol Riots +‘American Idol’ Turns 20 +Conservatives Warn Watching Drag Shows Could Turn Children Into Attention Seekers +North Dakota Constructs Billion-Dollar Stadium Just In Case Some NFL Franchise Gets Desperate +Unsettling PETA Ad Features Sobbing Burger Giving Man Blow Job +Most Misguided Corporate Pride Campaigns +Laura Dern And T. Rex Reexamine 68-Million-Year Age Gap In Original ‘Jurassic Park’ +Ambien Unveils New 48-Hour Weekend Getaway Sleeping Pill +Argentina Confirms Hundreds Of Demons Hid Out In Nation For Years After War Between Heaven And Hell +Nationwide 988 Suicide Prevention Hotline Launching This Summer +Poll Shows Nearly Half Of Republicans Say U.S. Has To ‘Accept’ Mass Shootings +New Law Safeguards 50 Million Children From Threats Of Gun Violence By Adding Them To Supreme Court +Ukrainians Reflect On The First 100 Days Of The War +Must-Read Reflections On Pride Month +Iditarod Dog Found Safe Months After Disappearing From Checkpoint +Ob-Gyn Clarifies She Doesn’t Have To Hear About Foot Stuff +New Abortion Waiting Period Law Requires Women To Spend Night In Creepy Old House On Hill +Harris Announces Nearly $2 Billion In Private Investment To Stem Migration +Woman Beelining For Music Festival Porta Potties Must Have Come Specifically To See Them +Russia Invades Ukraine: The First 100 Days +Apple Users Will Soon Be Able To Unsend And Edit Sent iPhone Text Messages +Deshaun Watson Rethinks Life Choices After Finding Self On Browns +Visa Announces Cards Can Now Be Inserted, Swiped, Tapped, Bent, Clapped, Rolled, Shoved, Thrown, Dangled, Slid, Or Whacked +Judi Dench Wondering Why She Never Became More Of A Gay Icon +Politicians Explain Why They Took Donations From The NRA +Nationwide Lifeguard Shortage Could Postpone Thousands Of Sexual Awakenings +Ron DeSantis Vetoes Funds For Tampa Bay Rays After Tweets Against Gun Violence +Nation’s Moms Announce There Some Nutty People Out There +330 Million Dead Following Mass Shooting +Cultural Sensitivity Course Trains Police Officers In Proper End-Of-Life Rituals For People They Kill +Americans Explain How High Gas Prices Have Affected Them +Ancient City In Iraq Unearthed After Extreme Drought +Firefighters Decide To Walk To Fire Since It’s So Beautiful Out +Teen Spelling Bee Champion Commits To Spell For UCLA +Montessori Sunday School Encourages Kids To Invent Their Own Gods +New York Passes Bill To Raise Age To Own Semi-Automatic Rifles From 18 To 21 +NSA Honored For Diversity In Surveillance Footage +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Nude Justice Breyer Leaves Supreme Court After Turning In His Robes +Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal +Dogs Able To Detect Covid With High Accuracy +Kotex Introduces New Expedition Tampons With Very Long String For Easily Tracing Way Back Home +Dad Asks If They Still Make Cocaine +Survey Finds Balloons Still Nation’s Favorite Floating Orb +6 Hours That Man Will Utterly Squander After Work Fantasized About For Entire Day +What You Need To Know About The Royal Platinum Jubilee +Queen Elizabeth Gets Horse As Jubilee Gift From France’s Macron +Biden Now Just Delivering Continuous, Up-To-The-Minute Speech Mourning Shooting Victims +Scientists Discover Humans, Chimps Shared Common Friend +School Practices Drill For When There’s Not An Active Shooter +Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters +Locust-Swarmed Queen Elizabeth Announces 1,000-Year Reign Of Chaos During Brimstone Jubilee +Scientists Discover Biggest Plant On Earth +Problematic Disney Attractions That Had To Be Redesigned +The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car +Enlightened Judge Sentences Murderer To Ego Death By Means Of Ayahuasca +FIFA Increases Revenue By Requiring Brand Tattoos For All Players +Babe Ruth Comparisons Grow After Hammered Shohei Ohtani Eats 53 Hot Dogs +Las Vegas Chapels Told By Licensing Company To Stop Elvis-Themed Weddings +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Teachers React To Yet Another School Shooting +Planned Parenthood Mounts Giant IUD Atop Headquarters To Harness Sperm-Killing Power Of Lightning +Pros And Cons Of Casinos +Donda Sports Sets Modest Goal Of Only Ruining A Few Athletes’ Careers In First Year +35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament +FEMA Director Claims Spending Life Preparing For Natural Disasters No Way To Live +Robot Orders Increase 40% Amid Labor Shortage +Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon +Man Disguised As Old Woman Throws Cake At Mona Lisa In Climate Protest +Shifting Police Timeline Now States Uvalde, TX Never Existed +President Biden Visits School Ahead Of Its Deadly Mass Shooting +CEOs Discuss How Unions Have Affected Their Companies +Researchers Confirm Determined Seagull Finally Made It Into Outer Space +Last Salem Witch Pardoned +Archaeologists Uncover Ancient ‘Big Dog’ Shirt Christ Wore To Sleep In +‘I Said No Gifts!’ Screams Mom As Cloud Of Birthday Presents Begin To Violently Swirl Around Room +Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate +Backpedaling Republicans Unveil Bill Rapidly Expanding Veterans’ Access To Burn Pits +Chick-fil-A Faces Backlash After Asking For ‘Volunteers’ To Work For Food, Not Money +Beyoncé: A Career Timeline +Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against Veterans’ Healthcare +Bootlegger Outside Concert Selling Knockoff Lady Gagas +Toyota Unveils Multifamily Tenement Sedan For People Living Out Of Their Cars +Trump Hosts Saudi-Backed ‘Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint’ Golf Tournament +Skittles Lawsuit Claims Candy ‘Unfit For Human Consumption’ +Nation Spends Romantic Date On 330-Million-Person Tandem Bike +Mega Millions Jackpot Hits $1 Billion +China Threatens To Retaliate For Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip By Letting Her Return Safely +Woman Who Bought Mega Millions Ticket With Coworkers Already Knows How She’ll Dispose Of Their Bodies +What To Say To Someone Who Denies Climate Change +Police Officers Claim Unarmed Black Man They Shot Was Attacking Them With Psychic Hallucinations +New Long John Silver’s VR Headset Provides Immersive Deep-Frying Experience +Lower Sex Drive, Hair Loss Among Long Covid Symptoms, Study Finds +New Freeway Through Historic Wetlands Displaces Dozens Of Rare Bog Crones +Robot Chess Player Breaks Boy’s Finger At Moscow Tournament +Late-To-The-Game Tech CEO Has Only Bananas, Toilet Paper, Or Horse Farming Left To Revolutionize +Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Same-Sex Marriage +This Isn’t Goodbye, It’s See You In A Few Seconds +Timeline Of Trump And Pence’s Volatile Political Relationship +Study Finds Orlando Most Vacant Major U.S. City +Panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson Starts To Fade From Reality After Scientifically Disproving Own Existence +Brooklyn Bishop Robbed Of $1 Million Worth Of Jewelry During Church Service +CDC Issues Emergency Authorization For Local Man To Go Shirtless During Heat Wave +Americans React To Biden’s Covid Diagnosis +Study Finds Joggers Burn Up To 200 Calories From Repeatedly Pulling Down Bunched-Up Shorts +Struggling Company Rebrands As Good +Walgreens Customers Denied Birth Control, Condoms On Religious Grounds +Bullshit Mass Grave Just One Guy +WHO Declares Monkeypox Spread A Global Health Emergency +Democrats Explain Why They Support Joe Manchin +Snobby Ex-Con Always Mentioning How He Went To Private Prison +Breakdancer’s Corpse Continues To Pop, Lock Minutes After Death +Pete Buttigieg Apologizes To Husband After Moaning Name Of Interstate During Sex +Monarch Butterflies Listed As Endangered +‘Watermelon Gazpacho Is A Great Starter For Summer Parties,’ Writes AP Reporter Who Will Not Be Winning Pulitzer This Year +Jan. 6 Panel Finds Over 200 Congresspeople Hooked Up Believing They Were About To Die +Senators Announce Bipartisan Bill To Stop Candidates From Stealing Elections +Overheated Homeless Man Hallucinates Living In Compassionate Society +Biggest Revelations From The Uvalde School Shooting Report +Study Finds Leaning On Mop At Center Stage Linked To Delivering Monologue About Things ’Round Here +What To Know About The Political Crisis In Sri Lanka +Rob Manfred Extends Olive Branch To Minor Leaguers By Letting Them Run Bases At MLB Stadium After Game +State Department Brokers Alliance In Destabilized Region By Providing Arms To Texan Warlords +Survey: 1 In 5 U.S. Adults Condone ‘Justified’ Political Violence +Exasperated Aquarium Staff Demand Visitors Stop Tapping On, Yelling At Vending Machines +U.K. Movie Theater Offers Redheads Free Movie Tickets To Escape Heat +Covid Virus Unsure How To Make Biden’s Body Any Weaker +Area Baseball Fan Excited For First-Round Draft Pick They’ll Never Hear About Again +White House Says Biden Still Energetic Enough To Have Customary Morning Intercourse With Jill +CDC: ‘Definitely Too Hot Out To Wear A Condom’ +Alarming Study Finds Only 20% Of Unwanted Babies Adopted By Wild Animals +‘It’s So Nice To Finally Meet One Of Pete’s Work Friends,’ Says Chasten Buttigieg To Traffic Cone +Biggest Marvel Reveals From Comic-Con 2022 +Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck Open Up About Their Relationship Timeline +U.K. Breaks Record For Highest Temperature Ever Reported +New Ford F-450 Comes With Shotgun In Case Truck Doesn’t Kill Pedestrian On Impact +House Approves Same-Sex Marriage Bill +Black Actress Forced To Bring Own Hair Products, Makeup, Lighting To Movie Set +Conservatives Explain Why They Are Homeschooling Their Kids +Heroic Investigator Comments ‘What Happened?’ On Facebook Death Announcement +What To Know About The European Heat Wave +Woman Has Friend On Standby To Drive Car Through Bar Window In Case Date Going Badly +‘Would Take Hell Of A Lot More Than This To Snap Cable,’ Reports Jumping Man In Elevator +Jennifer Lopez Weds Ben Affleck In Las Vegas Drive-Through Chapel +Poll: Majority Of Democrats Prefer Someone Else Inhabit Joe Biden’s Body In 2024 +Zelensky Fires Top Spy Chief, Prosecutor For Allegedly Collaborating With Russia +Newly Released Footage Of Uvalde Shooting Altered To Remove Police Laughter +Americans Explain Why They Prefer Gas Over Electric Cars +Report: Which One Of You Ungrateful Fucks Clicked Unsubscribe? +Airbnb Host Sends Renters Friendly Reminder To Avoid Using Or Touching Anything On Property +EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect +Texas Sues Biden Administration Over Requiring Abortions In Medical Emergencies +Dairy Queen Fires Employee Who Discovered Blizzard Machine Gained Sentience +Secret Service Deleted Jan. 6 Text Messages After Oversight Request +Democrats Worried Biden Will Be Healthy Enough To Run Again In 2024 +Californians React To The Homelessness Crisis +Disappointing Bribe Just Duffel Bag +Rob Manfred Open To Any Ideas To Make MLB All-Star Game Worse This Year +15-Year-Old Finds Summer Job As BetterHelp Therapist +Archaeologists Theorize England’s Mysterious Big Ben Monument Originally Constructed To Measure Time +Report: 70% Of Celebrities Totally Unaware They Own Half Of Tequila Brand +Study Shows Men Prefer Dating Profiles With Poor Grammar +NYC Puts Out PSA In Case Of Nuclear Attack +Regretful Officer Believes More Could Have Been Done To Kill Unarmed Black Man +Deckhand Scolded For Throwing Trash On Floor Of Ship When Great Pacific Garbage Patch Right There +Racially Biased Education System Criticized For Omitting Historic African American Moon Colony +What To Know About Monkeypox +Wealthy New Yorkers Explain Why They Left The City +New Windex Formula Removes Menacing Apparitions From Mirror +U.S. Tourist Taking Selfie Falls Into Mount Vesuvius +Fans Reflexively Hold Breath Every Time Chet Holmgren Moves +U.S. Gas Prices Fall After Single Nod From Figure At Head Of Table In Shadowy Boardroom +John Bolton Admits To Planning Foreign Coups +China Worried U.S. Outpacing Them On Poorly Functioning Low-Speed Trains +The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Home Entertainment Center +Aides Concerned Low Poll Numbers Could Drive Biden To Do Something Drastically Popular +What To Tell Your Teenager If They Get Pregnant +‘Bon Appétit’ Honors Journalist Killed In Field From Eating Too Much And Dying +Increasingly Unhinged Eric Garcetti Covers Own Body With Metal Spikes To Prevent Homeless People From Sleeping On Him +London Heathrow Tells Airlines To Stop Ticket Sales As It Caps Passengers +Vacationing Woman’s Big Floppy Hat Plunges Nation Into Darkness +DeWalt Ad Shows How Efficiently Power Saw Can Rip Through Human Rib Cage +HHS: Doctors Must Provide Abortions In Medical Emergencies Regardless Of State Law +Poll Finds Majority Of Voters Wish Biden Was Way Older +Timeline Of Elon Musk’s Bid To Buy Twitter +Things To Never Say To A Police Officer At A Protest +Floating Abortion Clinic Proposed In Gulf To Bypass Bans +Dumbass Widow Apparently Thinks Little Handful Of Dirt Thrown On Coffin All It Takes To Bury Husband +Man Not Going To Walk Faster Just Because Coworker Holding Open Critical Reactor’s Blast Door For Him +Report: You Going To Be Alone For Rest Of Your Life And The Reason Is You Refuse To Take A Bath +New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans +Report: Deepest, Sharpest Images Of Distant Universe Pale In Comparison To Lisa Frank Folder +Weed Killer Chemical Tied To Cancer Found In 80% Of U.S. Urine Samples +Elon Musk Tries To Back Out Of Twitter Deal By Deleting App From Phone +Amazon Supervisor Delivers Rousing Speech To Employees About Honorably Laying Down Lives For Prime Day +Sotheby’s Auctions Off Date With T. Rex Skeleton +Nashville Hot Dog Eatery Offering Free Milkshake With Proof Of Vasectomy +Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen +Uber Eats Adds Feature Letting User Purposely Order Wrong Item So They Can Scream At Driver +Biden Considers Convening First-Ever Meeting Of His Cabinet +Americans Explain Why They No Longer Trust The Supreme Court +Elon Musk Says He’s Terminating $44 Billion Deal To Buy Twitter +Insurance Company Swears They’ll Get The Next Round +Pros And Cons Of ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ Apps +Men Discuss How Abortions Have Affected Them +Hit Man Feels More Motivated To Kill If He Can Cross Names Off List When He’s Done +Tucker Carlson Blames Mass Shootings On Women Lecturing Men About Privilege +Man Using La Quinta Business Center Must Be High-Level Corporate Executive In Town To Close Major Deal +Bored Baby Wishes It Had Something To Choke On +Boris Johnson Resigns After Party Mutiny +Understanding How The January 6 Riot Unfolded +Report: More Young Americans Achieving Homeownership By Changing Locks On Airbnb +Shinzo Abe Assassination Prompts Americans To Wonder What It Would Be Like If Someone Got Shot In U.S. +Skeptical Doctor Asks Woman Flattened By Steamroller To Rate Pain +Local Mom Wants Just One Nice Vacation Photo Where Family Isn’t Running From Gunfire +Canadians React To American Gun Laws +Sharpie Introduces New Pens For Making Subtle Mark On Bottle To Check If Sober Boyfriend Drinking Again +Worker Accidentally Paid 300 Times His Salary Disappears With Money +Nation’s Overweight Bullies Announce Plan To Sit On You +‘Dilbert’ Creator Suggests Killing Your Son If He’s A Danger To Others +Travelers React To Nationwide Flight Cancellations +Must-Read Reflections On The Battle Over Trans Rights +Woman Always Wears Fake Wedding Dress To Bar To Deter Unwanted Advances +Hangover Prevention Pill Goes On Sale In U.K. +American Airlines Introduces New Nonstop Flights Directly Into Side Of Mountain +World Bowling Championship Postponed After Lanes Already Reserved For 11th Birthday Party +Study Finds Link Between Loneliness, Being Stuck Halfway Down Dark Tube Of A Waterslide +America’s Housing Crisis, By The Numbers +California To Become First State To Provide Free Healthcare For Undocumented Residents +Barack Obama Asks America To Stop Trying To Contact Him +Man Doesn’t Want To Be One Of Those Couples That Spends Time Together +Intramural Volleyball League Provides Woman With Opportunities To Feel Like Loser Outside Of Work +Man Buys Sword In Case He Ever Needs A Sword +Pregnant Woman Wishes People Would Ask Before Touching Breasts +Large Mass Of Used Wet Wipes Forms ‘Island’ In Thames River +Minnesota ‘Accidentally’ Legalizes THC Edibles +Violent Man Always Begs Wall For Forgiveness After Hitting It +Poll Finds Americans Would Endure At Least 150 Million Dead In Exchange For Cheaper Burrito Bowls +Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Abortions +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +4th Of July Potluck Guests Asked To Bring Something Everyone Can Blow Up +CEOs Explain How They Will Protect Abortion Rights +America Celebrates Independence Day +Friend Who Grew Up Wealthy Wouldn’t Last One Day As Upper Middle Class +Man Thought Guests Would Be More Impressed He Got Couch For Free +Pharmacist Denies Woman Birth Control Pills On Grounds That He’s Her Son From Future +CIA Agent Wishes He Could Brag About How Well Secret War With Bolivia Is Going +Skip Bayless Reminds Viewers Gas Never Hit $5 Per Gallon During Michael Jordan’s Era +Dog Can Immediately Tell Exactly How Man’s Previous Dog Liked To Be Touched +Men Rushing To Get Vasectomies After Supreme Court Overturns Roe v. Wade +What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony +NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040 +New Documentary Footage Confirms Long-Held Theory That Flowers Hunt At Night +Man Adamant He’d Be Better Political Prisoner Than Brittney Griner +Taco Bell Testing New Menu Items With Oversized Cheez-It +Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124 +Firefighter Disarmed Of Hose Grabs Squirt Gun From Ankle Holster +Missouri School District Reinstates Paddling To Punish Students +Study: House Appraisals 40% Lower When Haunted By Black Ghosts +A Look At The Class Of 2026 +Dinner Party Guests Make Awkward Small Talk About Host Being Murdered By Someone In This Very Room +Inmate Regrets Wearing Shorts To Execution After Feeling Thighs Stick To Electric Chair +Everything You Need To Know About Amazon’s ‘The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power’ +Solar Power Investment Skyrockets Upon Discovery Of Massive Underground Deposit Of Sunlight +Guy On Nextdoor Asks Neighbors If They Interested In Joining Militia +New Prevention Campaign Urges Public To Look Out For Early Signs Of Being Cut In Half By Samurai +Tigers Center Fielder Crashes Into Outfield Wall Just To Feel Something +New York Stores Now Banning Sale Of Whipped Cream Canisters To People Under 21 +New Poll Reveals Smoking Marijuana More Popular Than Tobacco +Noam Chomsky Finally Earns His GED +Study: Majority Of Red States Not Walkable Enough To Accommodate Riots In The Streets +NASA Delays Artemis Launch After Rocket Gets Scared +More MLB Teams Trying To Attract Younger Audience With Free Prostate Exam Day +Casting Director Can Tell That Child Actor Doesn’t Have The Abusive Parents It Takes To Make It In Entertainment +Parents Explain Why They Do Not Allow Their Children To Play Football +Teen Boy Entering That Awkward Phase Where He A Fucking Pervert +Study: Psilocybin Mushrooms May Help Heavy Drinkers Quit +New Google Privacy Settings Allows Users To Choose If Sundar Pichai Can Sleep Under Bed +Long Covid Keeping 2 To 4 million Americans Out Of Workforce, Report Says +Gigantic L.A. Police Robot Rises From Ocean To Chase Homeless Child From Park +God Still Waiting For Humans To Discover Easter Egg Feature Hidden In Cows +BabyBjörn Introduces New Concealed Carry Ankle Infant Holster +School District Waives Sex-Ed Curriculum For Students Who Look Like They Know What’s Up +Surgeon Tying Patient’s Tubes Salts And Curses Uterus For Good Measure +Americans Explain Why They Oppose Canceling Student Debt +Drought Reveals 113 Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Tracks In Texas +Critics Praise Film For Fresh Commentary On Kevin Hart And Dwayne Johnson’s Contrasting Size +California To Ban Sale Of New Gasoline Cars By 2035 +Astronomers: ‘We Told You This Was Your Best Chance To See The Perseid Meteor Shower—We Fucking Told You—And You Squandered It’ +Rural Resident Has To Travel More Than 2 Miles To Hear Nearest Neighbors Have Sex +Trump Claims Seized Classified Documents Had Been In His Family For Generations +Bloody Janet Yellen Drags U.S. Treasury Funds Through Arizona Desert After Money Supply Handoff Goes South +Texans React To School Book Bans +Chet Holmgren Assures Fans He’ll Be Back And Perfectly Healthy For 9 Games Next Year +The Onion Guide To BeReal +Japan’s Tax Agency Encouraging Young Population To Drink More Alcohol +Biden Canceling $10,000 In Student Loan Debt For Borrowers Making Less Than $125,000 +Iowa Art Students Spend Class Sculpting Butter With Live Cow Model +Durant And Kyrie Agree To Be Teammates So Long As They’re Never In Same Room Together +Biden Unveils Student Loan Forgiveness Plan Requiring Taxpayers To Be Dragged Into Street And Killed Like Dogs +Kamala Harris Quietly Steps Into Frame Behind Biden During Student Debt Cancellation Announcement +Rumors Swirl About LeBron James’ Future After He Deletes All Pictures Of Basketballs From Instagram +Hero Conservationist Convinces Suicidal Galapagos Penguin To Put Down Gun +Americans Defend The Police’s Use Of Excessive Force +Russia Offering Hero’s Medal And $16,000 To Women Who Have 10 Kids +Drying Danube River Reveals Thriving Underwater Society Of Nazis +Michigan Jury Convicts 2 Men Of Conspiring To Kidnap Gretchen Whitmer +Dr. Fauci To Step Down: A Career Retrospective +New Humane Bug Spray Makes Insects Cum So Hard They Die +Teachers Reveal Why They Are Quitting Their Jobs +Scientists Plan To Resurrect Extinct Tasmanian Tiger +Big Ben Undergoes Routine Cleaning To Remove Hapless Tourists Dangling From Minute Hand +Tearful Norwegian Teen Bids Goodbye To Parents Before Leaving For National Service In Black-Metal Band +Colleagues Give Dr. Fauci Rubella As Retirement Gift +Fauci To Step Down In December +Medical Student Totally Blanks On How To Solemnly Close Dead Patient’s Eyelids +Americans Explain Why The Minimum Wage Should Not Be Raised +Landlord Informs Tenants Of Upcoming Improvements To His Lake House +Sacklers Ask Friend For Hookup To Buy Pharmaceutical Company From +Mom Compliments Foreigner On How Cheap Everything Is In Their Country +Dennis Rodman Plans Trip To Russia To Seek Brittney Griner’s Release +Massachusetts Student Receives Violation For Wearing Hijab +Generous Airbnb Host Offers Guests Copy Of Hidden Camera Footage To Commemorate Visit +Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Dr. Oz +Report Finds It Impossible To Save Money +Study Finds Even ‘Limited’ Nuclear War Would Kill Billions +Vitamin C And The Nutrient Gang Make Surprise Appearance In Area Man’s Breakfast +Jordan Peterson Comforted By Knowledge His Fanbase 95% Female +​​Florida Court Rules Teen ‘Not Mature Enough’ To Have Abortion +Mark Zuckerberg Worried His Metaverse Avatar Doesn’t Fully Capture How Inhuman He Looks +Ukraine Completes Successful Takeover Of Russia +Texas Schools Require Clear Bags To Prevent Students From Bringing In Books +Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI +Underwhelming Fantasy Novel Starts With Map Of Ohio +Determined Lab Researcher Not Giving Up On Finding Something That Can Be Cured By Drinking Own Urine +Study Finds Humans First Crossed To New World Using Land Bridge Of Previously Drowned Humans +Liz Cheney Loses Primary To Trump-Backed Opponent +Biden Signs Inflation Reduction Act Into Law +Andy Reid Criticizes Soldier Field’s Eating Conditions +American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes +Inspiring Woman Becomes Professional Surfer Despite Shark Biting Head Off +Boyfriend Not Sure If He Expected To Leave Party Just Because Girlfriend Heading Out In Ambulance +Serena Williams Looks Back On Her Career Highlights +Concerned Mother Pores Over Troubled Son’s Journal For Anything That Could Implicate Her +Reflection Looks Way Drunker Than Woman Anticipated +Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State +Man Rescued From Tunnel In Rome After Alleged Attempted Bank Heist +U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents +Academy Apologizes To Sacheen Littlefeather For 1973 Oscars Incident +What’s In The Inflation Reduction Act? +Monsanto Executive Threatens To Detonate Every Corncob In Nation Unless Demands Met +Conservatives Explain Why They Are Preparing For A Civil War +Man Feeling Ancient After Realizing He Older Than Everyone In Little League World Series +Wirecutter Unveils Recommendations For Best Electric Chairs +Every Man Leering At Little League World Series Claiming To Be Scout +Overzealous Fly Not Even Waiting For Shit To Drop From Dog’s Asshole +Nearly Half Of All Teens Say They Use Internet ‘Almost Constantly,’ Survey Finds +Study: Risk Of Catastrophic Megafloods In California Have Doubled +Dick Cheney Launches Last-Minute Invasion Of Wyoming To Bolster Daughter’s Reelection +Unambitious Psychopath Still Only Killing Small Animals +Report: Nothing Beats Seeing Yankees Lose At Home +Department Of Transportation Allocates $2 Billion To Finally Make Nation Look All Futuristic And Shit +Report: Your Tax Dollars Went To Raytheon Trying To Invent An Exploding Knife +Customer Listens Silently As Barber Describes All Of The Actresses He’d Have Sex With +Florida Police Order Beachgoers To Stop Interrupting Manatees Having Sex +Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty +Study Finds You Should Talk More, People Want To Hear What You Think +FBI Search Warrant Shows Trump Suspected Of Violating Espionage Act +City’s Primary Investment In Community Comes Through Police Department’s Wrongful Death Settlements +Man Realizes Parents Only Pushed Him Hard To Make Him Insecure For Rest Of Life +Conservatives Question Why FBI Raided Mar-A-Lago While Dick Dastardly Remains Free +Report: Not Protecting Children Very Well Saved U.S. $5 Trillion Over Last Decade +Everything The FBI Seized During The Raid At Mar-A-Lago +New Texas Law Requires Gun Buyers To Show Proof Of Mental Illness +Study Finds Spiders Sleep In Way Similar To Humans +Armed Man Tries To Breach FBI Office In Cincinnati +‘We Have No Plans To Scrap The Flash At This Time,’ Says Bruised, Trembling Warner Bros. CEO +FBI Sent Itemized Bill For 12-Hour Stay At Mar-A-Lago +Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again +Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America +Startling Evidence Finds Pentagon Failed To Stop Pakistani Wedding Despite Prior Knowledge +Department Of Transportation Reduces Commute Times By Adding Highway Nitro Strips +Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth +New Study Finds Women Can Have 3 Types Of Orgasms +Nickelodeon Offers To Buy TV Rights To Jennette McCurdy’s New Memoir +Trump Invokes 5th Amendment In N.Y. Civil Probe Of His Business Dealings +FBI Turns Over Mar-A-Lago Documents To Dork Agent Who Loves Reading +Chicago Defends Relocating Polluting Factory To Black Family’s Kitchen +Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date +CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence +Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chile +Facebook Gave Private Messages To Police In Teen’s Abortion Case +SNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On Spot +Prison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of Family +Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid +Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon +New ‘BroSludge’ Company Markets Orange Guck For Men +Scientist Admits ‘Space Telescope Image’ Actually Slice Of Chorizo +Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In +Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson Break Up +Relieved Trump Thought Mar-A-Lago Raid Was About All The Bodies +Serena Williams Announces Retirement From Tennis To Focus On Dominating Field Of Motherhood +Kim Kardashian Vows To Never Forget Incredible Publicity She Shared With Pete +Republican Senators Explain Why They Opposed The Climate Bill +Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com +Intimacy Coordinator Hired For Set Of ‘Hard Knocks’ To Ensure Safe Environment For Tackling +Diner Menu Suggests They’re Open To Trying Anything Customer Wants To Do To An Egg +Great Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To India +U.S. Developing Tactical Bra For Female Soldiers +New Public Safety Campaign Dissuades Mass Shooters With Reminder That They’re Kind Of An Obvious Choice Now +Study Suggests Eating Jarlsberg Cheese Daily May Help Stave Off Osteoporosis +Finest Feline Reporting: The Onion’s Most Consequential Cat Journalism +Georgia Allowing ‘Unborn Children’ To Be Claimed As Dependents On State Taxes +Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office +Police Did Great Job, Police Say +LeBron James Living Vicariously Through His Son Not Being A Once-In-A-Generation Talent +Study Finds Fewer Millennials Choosing To Become Good Parents +Grandpa Now More Open-Minded About Immigrants From Poland In 1890s +Man Choosing To See Breakup As Opportunity To Beg Girlfriend To Take Him Back +Pros And Cons Of A Cashless Society +Lollapalooza Security Guard Accused Of Faking Shooting Threat To Leave Work Early +Strong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man Is +HHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get Laid +The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Have Fun In The Sun +Californians Explain Why They Should Secede From The Nation +Earth Spinning Faster Than Usual, Has Shortest Day Ever +Epidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over Horizon +Navy Spends Majority Of Boot Camp Training Recruits To Fence Using Marlins +Doctors Suggest Treating Back Pain With Maybe Some Kind Of High-Tech Robot Back Thing +Biden: U.S. Won’t Rest Until Brittney Griner Returned Home To Serve Marijuana Possession Sentence +Alex Jones Concedes Sandy Hook Happened On Mars +Kansas Votes To Protect Abortion Rights In State Constitution +Pelosi Moved By China’s Spectacular Show Of Military Force Celebrating Her Visit To Asia +Kylie Jenner Criticized For Taking 12-Minute Flight On Private Endangered Whooping Crane +Americans Explain Why They Support Going To War With China +Airbnb Removes ‘Slave Quarters’ Listing Marketed As Luxury Getaway +Single Voice Emerges From Whirlwind Of Chaos In Man’s Head To Suggest He Eat Oatmeal Raisin Cookie +Apologetic City Officials Admit Expressway Median Wasn’t Best Location For Off-Leash Dog Park +Man Thrown Out Of Club For Touching Stripper’s Heart +Nancy Pelosi Arrives In Taiwan Despite China’s Warnings +Men Reveal Why They’ve Decided To Get Vasectomies +‘And I Want Your Tie Too,’ Says Sinema, Giving Biden Conditions Of Her Support For Bill +Friends Make Pact To Get Married If They’re Both Still Ugly When They’re 40 +Passenger Fined $1,874 After 2 Undeclared McMuffins Found In Luggage +Desperate Biden Announces Halloween Will Now Happen Every Month +Uber App Now Allowing Passengers To Rate Driver’s Ethnicity +Frustrated Fire Truck Driver Takes Another Spin Around Block After Only Open Spot In Front Of Fire Hydrant +Trump Accused Of Burying Ex-Wife Ivana At Golf Club For Tax Breaks +What To Know About Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip +Nancy Pelosi Assures China Taiwan Visit Part Of Bachelorette Party She Didn’t Plan +Mitch McConnell Requests 50 Million Additional Gallons Of Floodwater For Kentucky Flood Victims +Report Finds Damn, Al-Qaeda Has A Lot Of Guys +Biggest Revelations From Josh Hawley’s New Book ‘Manhood’ +House Passes Bill Banning Ownership Of Tigers, Lions +Refreshingly Frank Therapist Suggests Shooting President +Woman At That Age Where All Her Friends Getting Prosecuted For Losing Pregnancies +Estonia Announces Interest In Assuming America’s Role As Global Superpower +Swarm Of Locusts Wishes People Would Stop Assuming They’re Sent To Bring God’s Wrath +Michigan Supreme Court Bans LGBTQ+ Discrimination +McConnell Reclaims Senate Majority After Convincing Dianne Feinstein She’s Always Been Republican +Shipwreck That May Have Inspired ‘The Goonies’ Discovered Off Oregon Coast +Parents Explain Why They Are Not Vaccinating Their Children Against Covid-19 +Reasonable BTS Fan Only Sends Death Threats In Defense Of J-Hope +Research Suggests Most Americans One Explosion Away From Disaster +Police Experimenting With Nonlethal Methods To Give Speeding Ticket +White Coworkers Astonished That Black Woman’s Hair Could Miraculously Grow So Long Over Weekend +Lizzo Plays 200-Year-Old Crystal Flute Belonging To James Madison At D.C. Show +Officer Claims He Cracked Open Man’s Skull To Check For Drugs +Kamala Harris Briefly Ponders Stepping Across DMZ To Whatever Fate Awaits Her +NFL Doctors Test Tua Tagovailoa’s Mental Acuity By Seeing If He Can Sign Indemnification Agreement +Wealthy Florida Residents Without Power Forced To Use Emergency Hand-Crank Margarita Machines +CNN’s Chief Nihilist Correspondent Gives Perspective On Why None Of This Matters +What To Know About The Oath Keepers, On Trial For Role In January 6 Riots +Onlookers Scream As Pit Bull Clamps Down On Child’s Hoagie +McDonald’s To Start Offering Happy Meals For Adults +Brett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare +Biden Issues Urgent Warning For Americans To Decide What To Be For Halloween Now +Biggest Harry Styles Controversies Explained +Medic Performing CPR On Dead Guy Puts On Whole Show For Family Watching +Who Will Be The Democratic Nominee In 2024? +CIA Launches First Podcast +Biden Calls On Any Spirits Of Dead Lawmakers Present To Make Themselves Known After Jackie Walorski Doesn’t Answer +Company Achieves 100% Retention Rate By Barricading Employees In Office +Florida Landlord Reminds Tenants Fleeing Flood That Lease Doesn’t Include Rooftop Access +Extraordinarily Dull A.A. Member Must Be Plant To Test Everyone’s Sobriety +Walgreens To Now Offer Baths +Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against The Electoral Reform Bill +Injecting Modified Herpes Virus Shows Promise Of Killing Off Cancer Cells +NASA’s DART Spacecraft Successfully Collides With Asteroid +Biggest Cases Of Welfare Fraud In U.S. History +Experts Say It Not Too Late To Change Careers At 50, Though They Sure As Fuck Wouldn’t +John Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of Chest +Facebook Employees Sigh As Mark Zuckerberg Tries For 10th Time To Break Board With Fist +Italy Elects Most Far-Right Prime Minister Since Mussolini +Man A Little Insulted By How Unthreatened Woman Walking Alone In Front Of Him Seems +Most Famous Celebrity Sexts Of All Time +Free-Spirited Man Informed It Time To Grow Up And Stop Being Happy +Vladimir Putin Grants Edward Snowden Russian Citizenship +Experts Link Poor Posture To Accurate Understanding Of Self-Worth +FEMA Urges Florida Residents To Stock Up On Memorial Supplies +Biggest Revelations From New York’s Lawsuit Against Donald Trump +Shinzo Abe’s Assassin Annoyed By Lousy Seats At State Funeral +Every Question For Tesla Job Candidate About Raising Baby With Elon Musk +Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies +John Cena Sets Guinness World Record For Make-A-Wish Grants +6-Year-Old Didn’t Cause Parents’ Divorce But Didn’t Exactly Step Up To Prevent It Either +Elton John Awarded Medal By Joe Biden For Work To End AIDS +HR Reminds Employees In Office Relationship They Should Give HR Some Sugar Too +Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops +Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak +Most Glaring Times Trump's Children Have Broken The Law +Stargazing Woman Reminded Of How Small Own Tits Are In Grand Scheme Of Things +U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases +Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire +Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards +England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy +Week In Review: September 25, 2022 +Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections +U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia +GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women’s Suffrage +Child Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal Ideations +The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion +Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead +Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion +Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them +Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson +48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children +Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing +New York Attorney General Sues Trump Family For Business Fraud +‘I’m Mr. Q The Pedophile Or Whatever,’ Trump Says In Half-Assed Attempt To Pander To QAnon +Who Will Be The Republican Nominee In 2024? +Americans Explain Why Dark Money Should Be Allowed In Elections +Beyond Meat Executive Accused Of Biting Man’s Nose +Mysterious Black Janitor Annoyed To Be Wasting His Folk Wisdom On White Man Asking Crypto Advice +Police Apologize For Tasing Innocent Man They Meant To Shoot +Cackling Garry Kasparov Wins Another Chess Match Against Roomba +Woman Pepper Spraying Assailant Makes Sure To Save Enough For Rest Of Walk Home +New York Subway To Install Security Cameras In All Train Cars +Best Moments From Hillary And Chelsea Clinton’s Apple TV Show ‘Gutsy’ +USDA Approves Genetically Modified Purple Tomato +What To Know About The Spotted Lanternfly Invasion +More Cities Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts +Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons +104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice +U.S. Landlord General Announces Plans To Fix Constant Flooding Sometime In Next Few Months +Study Finds Falling To Knees And Screaming To Sky Remains Best Way Of Forsaking One’s God +Nearly All Of Puerto Rico Without Power Due To Hurricane Fiona +38-Year-Old Man Still Careful Not To Say Anything Former Middle School Bully Would Disapprove Of +Far-Right Republican Wondering What He Has To Do To Get Media To Stop Calling Him Moderate +Worm Feels Conflicted About Feasting On Monarch Who Symbolized So Much Oppression +Shoplifter Always Gets Little Adrenaline Rush After Stealing Basic Necessities For Family +Airbnb Owners Explain Why They Oppose Regulations +Study: Christians May No Longer Be U.S. Majority By 2070 +Scientists Announce Earth’s Sewage No Longer Drinkable +Grizzled Old Man Caught Off Guard Hasn’t Heard That Name In A Long Time +1,000-Year-Old German Choir Admits Girls For First Time +Martha’s Vineyard Residents React To DeSantis Flying Migrants To Island +Reverend Delays Queen’s Funeral Few More Minutes To See If Even One Person Shows Up +Top Issues Of The 2022 Midterms +MTA Announces Train Delayed Due To The Beautiful Randomness Of Life +Everything Listed In The Queen’s Will And Where It’s Going +Biden Negotiates Tentative Deal To Avert Rail Strike +Airbnb Owner Outbid On House By Family That Just Going To Use It As A Home +Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick +Very Important Man One Of The Main Guys Where He Works +Week In Review: September 18, 2022 +Brits Take Turns Mourning Atop Queen’s Bucking Casket +Patagonia Founder Donates Company To Environmental Nonprofit +U.S. Approves Billions To Fund Struggling Russian Military +Greg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea +Aaron Rodgers Downplays Rough Start As Normal Ups And Downs Of Massive Global Conspiracy +Biggest Royal Scandals Under Queen Elizabeth’s Reign +Blackout Drunk Man Reasons That More Alcohol Could Only Make Him Feel Even Better +Kangaroo Kills Australian Man In Rare Fatal Attack +Flight Attendant Reminds Passengers Seat Belt Can Be Used As A Strangulation Device +Silk Introduces New Milk Alternative Made From Blended And Strained Cattle +Referees Call For Replay To Admire Great Call +Roger Federer Hopes Career Inspired Little White Boys To See Themselves Playing Tennis +Lindsey Graham Proposes Nationwide 15-Week Abortion Ban +Black Homeowner Receives Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members +Brett Favre Defends Use Of State Welfare Money To Build Shelter For Homeless Volleyballs +Queen’s Casket Visited By Thousands Of Ex-Lovers She Took After Her Husband’s Passing +Ken Starr’s Family Finds Note Ordering Them To Frame Monica Lewinsky For His Death +The Most Fit Celebrities Reveal Their Workout Regimens +Embarrassing Mistakes Every College Freshman Makes +New Subway Menu Items Testing Poorly With Focus Group Of Swarming Maggots +John Lennon Killer Denied Parole For 12th Time +First Mate’s Solution To Everything Battening Down The Hatches +Cop Getting Tired Of Driving Dylann Roof To Burger King For Lunch Every Day +Twitter Whistleblower Testifies Over Company’s Major Security Failures +FDA Recalls Thing You Just Ate +Professor Invites Student Over To House For Private Ethics Violation +Psychologists Baffled By Iowa Woman Who Posted Thank-You Message To Queen Elizabeth +Friends So Grateful To Have Morally Perfect Woman Around To Correct Them +What To Know About King Charles III +U.S. Records 1 Millionth Organ Transplant +Owners Freeze As Alexa Begins Moaning Along To Sex +Conservative Commentators You Never Knew Started In Hollywood +Princeton Offers Full Ride To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $100,000 +Disney Wins Emmy For Best Profits +Apple Announces New iPhones Will No Longer Be Compatible With Human Hand +Substitute Teacher Chill About Where Kids Hide During Shooting +British People Explain Why They Support The Monarchy +North Korea Says It Will Never Give Up Nuclear Weapons +Friend’s Facebook Status Hints At Fact That Being Wife A Prison From Which She Can Never Be Free +Bug Crawling On Ceiling Must Be Possessed By Demon +New MLB.Com Discount Tier Lets Users Look At Clipart Of Baseball +King Charles III Takes Throne +Week In Review: September 12, 2022 +Delta Lifts Pandemic-Era Restrictions On Abusing Flight Crew +Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse +New California Water Restrictions Limit Shower Sex To Once Per Week +Stress During Pregnancy May Have Negative Emotional Impact On Babies +The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Pamper Your Pets +NASA Worried Moon Won’t Remember Them +Mormon Argues His Faith Has Just As Much Legitimate Sexual Abuse As Any Other Religion +Steve Bannon Arraigned On Public Indecency Charges For Going Around Looking Like That +Queen Elizabeth II Dies +Report: Queen Elizabeth Shot Herself In Bunker As Enemy Forces Closed In +Guy In Line For Port-A-Potty Won’t Stop Assuring Everyone He Pisses Quick +Controversial State Farm Ad Features Patrick Mahomes Insisting There No Way To Insure Against God’s Judgment +What To Know About New U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss +Legal Experts Weigh In On Mar-A-Lago Special Master Ruling +Miss England Pageant Finalist Becomes First To Compete Without Makeup +‘Keep Going,’ Says Restaurant Patron Watching Server Out Of Cheese Start To Grate Hand +Study: Married Americans Spend 40 Minutes Each Year Pointing Gun At Sleeping Spouse +Climate-Conscious Drake, Kylie Jenner, Elon Musk Cram Into Shared Celebrity Megabus +Manti Te’o Reveals He’s Still Friends With Lennay Kekua +Party One Of Those Awkward Ones Where Man Knows Everyone There +Remembering Elizabeth II, Britain’s First Girl King +Poll Finds Most Americans Are Quiet Quitting +Lawyer Informs Royal Family That Queen Has Left Throne To Overall-Wearing Alabama Resident +‘Madden’ Glitch Lets Player Win Super Bowl With Texans +Ultra-Realistic ‘NBA 2K23’ Update Adds Unexplainable Horseshit Calls +[NOTE: Do Not Run Until Fucking Queen Is Dead Or People Will Lose Their Shit] Queen Elizabeth Dead At 96 +iPhone 14 Camera To Include Director For Highest-Quality Video Yet +‘Wait, This Has Weed In It?’ Asks Panicked Party Guest Speaking Through Mouthful Of Buds +CPR Instructor Recommends Giving Gentle Forehead Kisses Between Chest Compressions So That Victim Feels Safe +Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Ranked-Choice Voting +17th-Century ‘Vampire’ Found Buried With Sickle Over Neck To Prevent Rise From Dead +Israel Deploys Low-Speed Targeted Rockets That Follow Individual Palestinians Around Throughout Day +Math, Reading Test Scores Plummet During Pandemic +Experts Warn Pornography Has Shaped Generation Of Young Men’s Views On Filmmaking +Celebrities Explain Why They Date Younger Partners +Child Not Allowed To Leave Dinner Table Until He Finishes 72-Ounce Porterhouse +Fantasy Football Player Instinctively Boos At Own Draft Picks +Investigators Seize 27 Antiquities From Met Museum, Citing Looting +Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently +Distraught Factory Farmer Knew He Shouldn’t Have Named All 7,000 Pigs +New Yorkers With Marijuana Convictions First To Be Given Dispensary Licenses +U.S. Escalates Campaign Against Spotted Lanternflies By Arming Praying Mantises +Timeline Of The DOJ’s Investigation Into Mar-A-Lago +Zoo Insists If They Can Get A New Gorilla They’ll Really Take Care Of It This Time +Fernando Tatis Jr. Quietly Asks Doctor If There Anything He Can Take To Come Back From PED Suspension Quicker +Man Looking To Become Misogynist Loser Hopes To Find Guidance Online +Clarence Thomas Annoyed After Getting Another Text From Wife Nagging Him To Overthrow Government Before He Gets Home From Work +Family Just Wants To Ensure Grandma’s Dinner As Comfortable And Pain-Free As Possible +Man Who Watched 30-Second Ad About Pistachios To Get Free Airport Wi-Fi Opts To Learn More +Fox News Hosts React To Dominion Voting Systems Lawsuit +Man Doesn’t See Color, Only Head Shape +Pros And Cons Of Parental Controls On Apps +Local Priest Takes Great Pride In Never Having Molested Anyone +$1.34 Billion Lottery Prize Still Unclaimed +Study Finds Consumers Wish Self-Checkout Kiosk Would Tell Them They Did Great Job +Bored Woman To Give Book Few More Chapters Just In Case Author Gets Better At Writing +Mary Peltola Defeats Sarah Palin To Become First Alaska Native Elected To Congress +Herschel Walker Brushes Up On Theoretical Physics, Linguistics To Formulate Ideal Conditions For Warnock Debate +Difficult-To-Follow Recipe Calls For Dish To Be Enjoyed With Friends +Greg Abbott Fills Last Few Open Seats On Migrant Bus With Jews +NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird +Californians Explain Why They Oppose Drought Restrictions +Scientists Find Dolphins Only Other Mammals That Jet-Ski For Pleasure +Cops Confident School Shooter Will Tucker Himself Out +Poll Finds 43% Of Americans Expect Civil War Within Next 10 Years +The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About Student Loan Debt +Mississippi Governor Sends Emergency Workers To Contain Jackson Flood To Black Areas +Ohio 5th Graders Annoyed That Friend Forced To Give Birth Only Talks About Baby Stuff Now +Mikhail Gorbachev, Soviet Leader Who Took Down Iron Curtain, Dead At 91 +FDA Requires Cigarette Packs Have Image Of Cigarette Pack Which Itself Has Smaller Image Of Cigarette Pack To Make Smokers Question Where This All Ends +Hawaiian Travel Ad Boasts Sandy White Tourists As Far As The Eye Can See +Family Convinces Itself Grandmother Wanted Her Ashes Scattered Over Funeral Home Parking Lot +Conservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is Prosecuted +Nebraska Man Shatters Record For Longest Trip In Pumpkin Boat +Tom Brady, Gisele Bündchen Announce Divorce After 13 Years Of Marriage +Chuck Grassley Facing Toughest Election Challenge Since Reconstruction +Child Forced Into Pumpkin Costume Feels First Twinge Of Rage That Will One Day Make Him Mass Shooter +Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl +Guy At Halloween Party Dropped Hundreds On Fancy Pirate Costume He’ll Wear Maybe 50 Times A Year +Conservatives Explain Why They Are Terrified Of New York City +Just Once, Dachshund Would Love To Dress Up As Something Other Than Hot Dog +Sobbing Husband Doesn’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring Fake Sword With Him To Work +Study: Conservative Policies Linked To Higher Mortality Rates +Man Wishes More People Would Applaud Restraint For Not Doing Blackface With Prison Jumpsuit Costume +Jose Altuve Still Can’t Get Over How Small He Looks Out There +What Conservatives Are Saying About Elon Musk Buying Twitter +Ballot Paper Shortage Could Cause Problems On Election Day +Pentagon Warns U.S. That They Had Scary Dream About China +Man Can’t Remember What He Ran Into Burning Building For +Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles +Mark Zuckerberg Holds All-Company Meeting To Announce His Metaverse Avatar Is Crying +Military Recruiter Tells Teen About Opportunity To Experience Exciting New Medical Conditions +Candidate Breakdown: John Fetterman Vs. Mehmet Oz +Parents Share Their Biggest Fears About Trick-Or-Treating +EPA Awards Nearly $1 Billion To Schools For Electric Buses +Alito Says Leaked Abortion Opinion Made Conservative Justices Targets For Assassination +Kanye West Bursts Into Pepperidge Farm With Pitch For Shoe Cookie +Herschel Walker Claims He’s Honorary Confederate Soldier +Adidas Attempts To Make Amends With Jewish Community By Signing Woody Allen +Most Controversial Medical Claims Made By Dr. Oz +Mom Frustrated Son Waited To Say He Needs Halloween Costume Until Night Before His Office Party +We Polled Every American On Their Abortion Policy Preferences +Tourists Stranded In Grand Canyon Caverns For 24 Hours After Elevator Breaks +Patriot Honored To Be Lied To By His Country +Nation’s Boys Announce They Will Do Better In School If They Get PS5 +Is It Just Me, Or Do The Sex Dreams About Santa Start Earlier And Earlier Each Year? +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 8 Picks +Adidas Drops Kanye West Over Antisemetic Remarks +What To Know About New U.K. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak +Black Man Informed He Pretty Articulate For A Fundamentally Subhuman Life Form +Vague New Dating Site Caters To People Who Like To…You Know, Do That Certain Thing +Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings +Assisted Living Center Gives Residents Independence To Wander Off And Die On Their Own +Woman Charged With Sending Swarm Of Bees To Attack Deputies Serving Eviction Notice +Student Sent To Principal’s Office For Refusing To Masturbate To Flag During Pledge +What To Tell A 10-Year-Old Who Has Been Denied An Abortion +Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister +Mother Informs Children That Grandpa Has Died For Real This Time +Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen +Biblical Historians Reveal Jesus Christ Chose Stage Name To Sound Less Jewish +Women Explain Why Men Under 30 Are Unfuckable +Man Suspends Disbelief To Watch Film Where Regular Person Changes For The Better +Bitch Waitress Apparently Not Going To Post About $1,000 Tip On Social Media +First Known Family Of Neanderthals Found In Russian Cave +Steve Bannon Sentenced To 4 Months For Contempt Of Congress +Times Tough For Local Man Who Actually Is Superior To Women +Elon Musk To Cut Twitter Staff To Single Devoted Hunchback Who Laughs Hysterically At All Of Boss’s Genius Tweets +What To Know About ‘Quiet Quitting’ +Emojis That Gen Z Hates The Most And Why +New Tesla Model To Include Undercarriage Thresher To Shred All Evidence Of Running Someone Over +Justin Fields Hands Off Letters To His Family In Case He Doesn’t Make It Out Of Next Sack Alive +NASA Fires Engineer Secretly Working On Behalf Of Black Hole +BTS Members To Start Korean Military Service +Bucs’ Protection Scheme Involves O-Line Asking Defense To Go Easy On Tom Brady While He’s Going Through Some Stuff +Week In Review: October 23, 2022 +U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss Steps Down After 6 Weeks +James Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’ +‘Black Adam’ Last Chance For Something To Go Right In Dwayne Johnson’s Miserable Fucking Life +Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us +Groundbreaking Film Star To Be First Asian American Featured On U.S. Currency +Prison Cell Could Fit Another 3 Guys Easy +Amazon Unveils New AmazonBasics Human Infant +Creepiest Ways Airbnb Owners Are Spying On You +Man Needs To Do Research On Which State He Lives In Before Deciding On Candidates He Can Vote For +Men Under 30 Explain Why They’re Not Having Sex +Americans Predict The Outcome Of The January 6 Hearings +Texas Students To Get DNA Kits To Help Identify Children’s Bodies In ‘Emergencies’ +Liz Truss To Continue Receiving Security Detail For 20 Minutes After Leaving Office +Netflix Gains 2 Million Subscribers By Making Characters In Shows Subscribe To Netflix +Bystanders Too Busy Complimenting Each Other’s Guns To Stop Mass Shooter +Coworker Has Sad Little Vacation Souvenir On Desk To Help Mentally Whisk Him Back To Boston +Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Tesla +Fantasy Football League Ruined By Guy Who Won’t Update Roster Weeks After Wife’s Death +Alaska Cancels Snow Crab Season After 90% Of Population Disappears +Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For ‘Abusive’ Behavior +Janet Yellen Rolls Up Sleeves To Take Another Crack At Interrogating Milk Jug Over Rising Food Prices +Former High School Basketball Star Lands AA Sponsorship +Pros And Cons Of E-Bikes +Man Alarmed By Appearance Of First Gray Arm +Prison Warden Sadistic But Fair +More Businesses Offering Silver Fox Discounts To Seniors Who Still Got It +What Infowars Viewers Are Saying About The Alex Jones Trial +Man Plays Saxophone Through His 9-Hour Brain Surgery +Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her +Georgia Launches Text Alert System To Notify Officials Of Threats At Polls +Police Chief Yells At Herschel Walker For Blowing Cover In Undercover-Senate-Run Operation +Twitter To Promote Healthier Discussion By Letting One User Tweet At A Time +Food Banks Begin Accepting Donations From Homosexuals +Americans Explain Why They Are Not Voting In The Midterms +$400,000 Of Meth Hidden In Pumpkins Found At Texas Border +Report Confirms Anyone Who Really Likes A Politician Is Insane +Kyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People +FDA Announces Adderall Shortage +Astronaut Returns From ISS With Annoying Space Accent +Ohioans Explain Why They Are Voting For J.D. Vance +Bumbling American Tourist Visiting Vatican Accidentally Breaks Pope +‘So You Brought Home A White Girl, Huh?’ Say Skeptical White Parents To White Son +Transportation Department Unveils ‘Good Luck’ Signals For Pedestrians Trying To Cross Intersections +White House Offers Migrants Legal Path To Deportation +Archaeologists Discover Ancient Roman ‘Fridge’ With Meat Still Inside +Week In Review: October 16, 2022 +Astros Caught Politely Asking Catcher For Little Heads-Up On Pitch Selection +January 6 Committee Votes To Subpoena Donald Trump +New Jan. 6 Footage Shows Nancy Pelosi Threatening To Give Trump Bad Stock Tips +Trump Outmaneuvers New York Lawsuit By Changing Name To Donald 2 +How Do Americans Describe Their Political Beliefs? +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Wedding Couple Grateful To Be Surrounded By Loved Ones Quietly Criticizing Everything About Event +How Virtual Reality Works +LIV Golfers On Saudi Course Forced To Putt Around Woman Being Beheaded +Arizonans Explain Why They Are Voting For Kari Lake +‘Fat Bear Week’ Hit By Voter Fraud Attempt +Report Finds Russian Hackers Gained Access To Millions Of Metaverse Legs +Reanimated Corpse Of John Lennon Wishes He Could Go Out In Public Without Fans Pointing And Screaming +New Corkscrew Whirlycoaster IUD Gets Sperm Cell Too Dizzy To Find Uterus +Alex Jones Ordered To Pay Nearly $1 Billion In Sandy Hook Defamation Trial +Kanye West Seeks Reconciliation With Jewish Cabal To Collab On ‘Yeezy X Jews’ Streetwear +Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser +Ron Johnson Shows He’s Tough On Crime By Hanging Bread Thief In Town Square +New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps +Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Doug Mastriano +Manifesto Sounds Stupid Out Loud +Prosecutors Drop All Charges Against ‘Serial’ Podcast Subject Adnan Syed +Raytheon Unveils Missile Capable Of Targeting And Scuffing Up Jordans +Most Important 2022 Midterm Races +New AI Could Diagnose Illnesses By Analyzing Patient’s Voice +Best Bios From The Conservatives-Only Online Dating Site ‘The Right Stuff’ +Leaked Documents Reveal CIA Secretly Flooded White Communities With Vegetables +Considerate Woman Informs Masturbating Stranger His Fly Is Down +Cop Clearly Only Pulled Over Driver To Reach Monthly Kill Quota +Jordan Peterson Disgusted By Society Celebrating 2,560-Pound Minnesota Pumpkin +New iPhones Calling 911 While On Roller Coasters +Sean Hannity Plays Voicemail From His Dad Calling Him A Piece Of Shit To Demonstrate Healthy Father–Son Relationship +Herschel Walker Campaign Email Cites Urgent Need For Donations To Fund Abortions +So-Called ‘Self-Made’ Billionaires Who Actually Grew Up Wealthy +Nation’s Brands Criticize African Americans For Appropriating Dialect +Scientists Say A Marijuana Breathalyzer Is In The Works +Study Finds Majority Of Americans Get Their News From Walking By Stack Of Televisions In Store Window Display +Billionaire Writes Name On Cup Of Adrenochrome So He Won’t Forget Which One His +Fake Heiress Anna Sorokin Released From Jail +Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything +Study Finds Over Half Of Blind Americans With Walking Sticks Covert Assassins +Documents The National Archives Claims Trump Has Still Not Returned +Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points +Progressive Alabama School District Teaches Students That Every Race The Master Race In Own Way +American Tourist Smashes Two Sculptures At Vatican After Demanding To See Pope +Sanitation Worker Digs Around Truck For Source Of Weird Smell +Offensive Coordinator Draws Up Perfect Play For Crushing Defenseless Photographer On Sideline +Week In Review: October 9, 2022 +Biden Pardons Thousands Convicted Of Marijuana Possession +HelloFresh Announces Collaboration To Discreetly Deliver McDonald’s In Its Packaging +Infamous Instances Of People Who Hated Their Onscreen Portrayals +What Should We Do About The Supreme Court? +Most Controversial Texts Sent To Elon Musk About Twitter +Report: This Our Annual Headline About Hockey +Tom Brady Urges Rob Gronkowski To Join Him For Last Year Of Marriage +Biden Tries To Hammer Board Into Sand To Kick Off Post-Hurricane Rebuilding Efforts +Velma Confirmed As Lesbian In New ‘Scooby-Doo’ Film After Years Of Ambiguity +Ecologists Disappointed After Finding Monarch Butterflies Hiding Pack Of Cigarettes In Habitat +Study Finds Fewer Than 2% Of College Athletes Go On To Open Steakhouse Named After Themselves +Disappointing Box Office Numbers For ‘Bros’ Force Biden To Ban Gay Marriage +Florida Teen Athletes Asked To Report Information On Menstrual Cycles To Third Party +Aaron Judge: ‘I Wish I’d Just Used Steroids And Hit 80 Home Runs’ +LAPD Pauses Misconduct Investigations Department-Wide Out Of Respect For Deceased Officer +Single Woman Seated At Wedding’s Dessert Table +Budget Cuts Forcing More Teachers To Also Act As Class Pets +Cop Has Weird Feeling He Forgot To Cover Something Up +NFL Players React To The League’s Concussion Protocol +Ye Wears ‘White Lives Matter’ Shirt At Yeezy Fashion Show +Pro-Life Herschel Walker Paid For Abortion, Report Says +Journalists Marvel At Maggie Haberman’s Ability To Get Man Who Never Shuts Up To Answer Questions +Backwoods Dietitians Recommend Squirrel As Essential Part Of Good Eatin’ +Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him +Kevin McCarthy Claims Lack Of Mental Health Services In Schools Got Him Where He Is Today +Identical Twins Unconcerned After Having Bodies Swapped By Lightning Strike +2022 Nobel Prize Winners +What To Say To A Partner If You Gave Them An STI +Fishing Tournament Ends In Cheating Scandal After Weights Found In Walleye +FEMA Requires Flood Victims To Pass Drug Test Before Qualifying For Rescue +Newly Upgraded Tesla AI Makes Fart Noise Any Time It Runs Over Child +Kim Kardashian To Pay $1.26 Million Over SEC Charges +Raging Wildfire Disgusted By Kitchen Stove Flame’s Subservience To Humans +Director Calls Quiet On Set In Order To Begin Verbal Harassment +New HGTV Show Builds Unhoused Families A Kitchen Island +U.S. To Establish New Rules On Space Trash +Fiancé Having Second Thoughts About Spending Rest Of Life Cheating On Same Person +Georgians Explain Why They Are Voting For Herschel Walker +High Schoolers Given Detention For Cutting Class During Active Shooting +Study Finds Majority Of Suicides Preventable By Watching Video On How Chain-Link Fences Are Made +Thousands Of Factories Trump Brought Back To America Spend Another Day Churning Out Well-Made Products +Florida Republicans Vote Against Hurricane Relief +Kim Kardashian Pays SEC Fine In Instagram Post Promoting SEC +Megan Thee Stallion Launches Website With Mental Health Resources For Fans +Things You Should Never Say To Your Amazon Alexa +‘Blonde’ Director Claims Film’s Graphic Sexual Violence Accurate Depiction Of Medieval Time Period +School Budget Committee Votes To Eliminate 4th-Graders Entirely +McDonald’s Testing New Self-Ordering Kiosk That Cries When Customers Yell At It +Moon Dead At 29 +Palace Staff Decides Not To Pack Up Funeral Stuff Just Yet After Seeing King Charles Up Close +Week In Review: October 2, 2022 +Eric Adams Resumes Placing Mentally Ill People Into Audience Of ‘The Tonight Show’ Against Their Will +New Tesla ‘Memories’ Feature Displays Pictures From Driver’s Life On Dashboard Before Car Explodes +Balenciaga Under Fire For BDSM Teddy Bear Campaign +The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Get In Shape And Stay In Shape +Trump Hosts Kanye West, White Nationalist Holocaust Denier At Mar-A-Lago +Mom Doing Full-Time, Unpaid PR For Some Disney+ Show About Whales +Man Afraid To Get Tattoo In Case He Feels Differently About His Children In 10 Years +God Releases New Peppermint-Flavored Chipmunks For The Holidays +Most Awesome Perks That Employees Who Work For Elon Musk Get +Hawaii’s Mauna Loa Erupts For First Time In 40 Years +Most Popular Sex Toy In Every State +Frontier Airlines Shuts Down Customer Service Phone Line +Poll Finds 82% Of Drunk Women Really Needed Night Like This +Couple Struggling To Get Pregnant Taking It As Sign That They Should Keep Trying Until Relationship Implodes +Nation’s Old Men Announce Plans To Wake Up At 5 A.M. And Argue With Other Old Men Around Table At McDonald’s +Cyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide Web +U.S. Black Friday Sales Surpass $9 Billion In New Record +Trump Disappointed After Holocaust Denier Tells Him Holocaust Never Happened +Man Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of Hair +Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore +FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies +Study Finds Plants Communicate Using Underground Network Of Spies +Republican Lawmakers React To Anti-LGBTQ Violence +Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired +Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64 +Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay +Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date +Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For? +Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving +Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks +Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender +Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +What To Know About The 2022 World Cup +Bob Dylan’s Teenage Love Letters Sell For Over $650,000 At Auction +Biden Meets With Turkeys Who’ve Lost Loved Ones To Thanksgiving +Mom Urges Family Members Not To Fight Turkey Again This Year +What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays +How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays +Mariah Carey Loses ‘Queen Of Christmas’ Trademark Bid +Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point +The Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTs +Qatar Bans Beer Sales At World Cup Stadiums +Police Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every Race +Rihanna Admits She Just Uses Whatever Makeup On Sale At Walgreens +Child Walks In On Parents Failing To Reignite Spark In Marriage +Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced To More Than 11 Years In Prison +Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees +Elon Musk Criticized For Firing So Many Employees Rather Than Spending Decades Grinding Them Down +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +British World Cup Attendees Accused Of Smuggling Alcohol Into Stadium Through Bloodstreams +Priest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies +Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars +New STEM Program Teaches Students Skills To Appease Whims Of Capricious Tech CEO +Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair +Landlord Pledges To Address Tenant Infestation +Study: Sperm Counts Worldwide Have Plunged 62% In Under 50 Years +Qatar World Cup Games To Cut Off Human Sales After 75th Minute +Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House +Injured Birthday Clown Taken Behind Bouncy House To Be Shot +The History Of Ex-Presidents Who Tried To Run Again +White Teacher In Texas Fired After Telling Students His Race ‘The Superior One’ +Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan +Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse +Ticketmaster Opens New Workhouse Where Taylor Swift Fans Can Labor To Earn Their Eras Tickets +Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid +Artemis Rocket Carrying Mannequins To Determine Viability Of Department Stores On Moon +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks +What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash +What Happened To The Midterms ‘Red Wave’? +Astronaut Stunned By How Fuckable Earth Looks From Space +Kamala Harris Picks Up Seasonal Job At Macy’s +Steve Jobs’ Old Birkenstocks Sell For $218,000 At Auction +Concerned Pediatrician Explains That Child Should’ve Been Radicalized Online By Now +Jewish Neighbors Make Small Talk About Controlling The Weather +World Population Reaches 8 Billion +Things To Never Post On Social Media If You’ve Had An Abortion +What To Know About The Collapse Of FTX +New Sponsored Google Maps Feature Directs Every Driver To Denny’s +TSA Finds Gun Inside Raw Chicken +Viewers Slam HBO’s ‘Hard Knocks’ For Unnecessary Incest Scene +Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On ‘Fortnite’ Skins +New Golf Channel Show Just 30-Minute Praising Of Saudi Royals +Tiffany Trump Charged Full Venue Price For Mar-A-Lago Wedding +Annoying Bus Crash Momentarily Ruins 8 Billion Human Population Milestone +Dolly Parton Receives $100 Million From Jeff Bezos To Spend On Charity +Elon Musk Demands Twitter Servers Explain What All These Wires For +God Criticized For Taking Credit For Universe From Black Creator +What Elon Musk Told Twitter Employees During His First Company Meeting +Fox News Host Warns Democrats Trying To Keep Women Single +Old-Fashioned Stalker Thinks Technology Makes Hunting Women Too Easy +Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite +Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory +Steven Spielberg Fondly Recalls How Jewish Upbringing Inspired ‘Jurassic Park’ +Amazon Prime Acquires Broadcast Rights To NBA’s Showers +Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President +Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11 +Custody Agreement Designates Wednesdays For Child To Wander Around Entirely On Own +Arsonist Worried He Forgot To Turn Stove On Before Leaving House +Small Study Shows Money Can Buy Happiness For Households Earning Up To $123,000 +The Onion’s Guide To Renewable Energy +Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate +KFC Apologizes For Kristallnacht Chicken And Cheese Promotion +Crypto Confidence Soars After CEO Defrauds Customers Just Like Real Bank +Raphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker +U.S. Pledges To Reduce Reliance On Energy Siphoned From Unconscious Americans Living In Simulation +Parents At Zoo Shield Children’s Eyes From Gorillas Having Public Execution +Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Within Same Trash Compactor They Were Born Into +Twitter Employees React To Getting Laid Off +Voters Reelect Dead Pennsylvania State Representative +First Gen Z Member Elected To Congress +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks +‘Call Of Duty’ Adds Premium Skin Only Available To Players Who Kill Someone In Real Life +Things That Will Get You Permanently Banned From Elon Musk’s Twitter +How Should We Reduce Political Polarization? +I’d Probably Do Fine In Prison Because I Get Along With Everybody +Stolen Bitcoin Worth $3 Billion Found In Popcorn Tin +Kid Could Afford To Be More Discerning About Which Rocks Are Worth Collecting +Clueless Commuters Walk Past World-Famous Subway Masturbator Without Realizing +Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections +Chris Evans Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Man Alive +Winklevoss Twins Spend Joyous Afternoon Jerking Each Other Off +Beto O’Rourke Asks Advisors If Getting Paralyzed By Tree Would Help 2026 Election Chances +Smiling Fetterman Asks Oz If He’d Mind Slowly Repeating Concession For 5th Time +Victorious Senator Vows To Still Fight For Billionaires Who Didn’t Funnel Dark Money Into Campaign +New Legislation Would Prohibit Texting While Stabbing +What To Say To Someone Who Is Saving Themselves For Marriage +Scenes From The Midterm Elections +Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work +AI Software Company Patches Bug That Caused App To Treat Black People Equally +National Park Service Urging Visitors To Stop Licking Toxic Psychedelic Toads +U.N. Chief Tells Climate Summit: Cooperate Or Perish +Elderly Poll Watcher Doing Slow, Confused Job Of Intimidating Voters +Stressed-Out Woman Treats Herself To Additional $400 Of Credit Card Debt +Scientists Discover Fluffy Planet With Density Of A Marshmallow +Nursing Home CEO Afraid He’ll End Up In One Of Those Places He Owns +Most Brilliant Ways Elon Musk Plans To Make Twitter Profitable +Armed Conservative Monitoring Polling Site Disappointed How Few People Vote In Midterms +Kidnapper Not About To Wake Up At 5 A.M. To Abduct Jogging Woman +Obama Claims He’s Still President After Seeing How Susceptible Voters Are To Conspiracy Theories +Raphael Warnock Surges In Polls After Taking Off Glasses +Elon Musk Touts Project To Teach Neuralink Monkeys To Commit Sexual Harassment +Astros Win First World Series Since Cheating Scandal +Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately +Study Finds 100% Of Relationships Last Forever +Usain Bolt Recalls Discovering Talent For Running Through Corporate Wellness Challenge +Centrist Advocates Moderate Approach To Genocide +Regular Been Coming To Local Diner Long Enough To Know All The Forks By Name +Miss Argentina, Miss Puerto Rico Reveal They Are Married +Astros Credit World Series Win To Subject Of Future MLB Investigation +Housekeeper Sues Jeff Bezos Over Working Conditions, Discrimination +Tucker Carlson Screaming In Agony That He Feels Crime Crawling All Over Him +Elon Musk’s Plans For Twitter +Study Exposes Risks Of Wandering Through The Burkmoore Swamp On A Moonless Night +Things People Hate The Most About Democratic Fundraising Emails +Shanghai Disney Requires Negative Covid Test For Guests To Leave +Parents Attempt To Wean Ornery Toddler Off Cigarettes +How Should We Fix America’s Broken Electoral System? +Judge Issues Restraining Order Against Group Monitoring Ballot Boxes +Biden Warns Americans That Ability To Even Pretend U.S. A Democracy At Stake +Leaked Audio Reveals Uvalde Cop Asked Pizza Delivery Guy To Check On Kids While Dropping Off Few Pies +Twitter Adds ‘Context’ Label To Clarify When Tweets Make Elon Musk Sad +NBA Scouts Salivating Over 7'1" European Floor Sweeper +What Republicans Are Saying About The Paul Pelosi Attack +‘Planet Killer’ Asteroid Spotted Hiding In Sun’s Glare +Man Inspects Perimeter To Find Most Vulnerable Entry Point To Hamburger +Democratic Fundraising Email States James Carville Is Wearing Suicide Vest On Recipient’s Doorstep +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 9 Picks +Elon Musk Plans To Charge Monthly Fee For Twitter Account Verification +Should Joe Biden Run Again? +Republican Voters Given Toll-Free Number To Call If They Witness Legitimate Vote +What To Say To Someone Struggling With Inflation +Hotel Guest Surprised To Have Been Charged For Robe She Ate +Conservative Man Will Be Furious If They Ever Make Dora The Explorer Less Hot +Hungry Nation Could Really Go For Bountiful Harvest Right About Now +CDC Warns Severity Of Flu Season Highest In 13 Years +What To Know About The Attack On Nancy Pelosi’s Husband +Skydiver With Malfunctioning Parachute Does One Last Scan For Trampoline +Taylor Swift Becomes First Artist In History To Hold Every Top 10 Spot On Billboard Hot 100 +GOP Condemns Attack On Paul Pelosi As Half-Assed +Long Story Short, Your Father Had A Stroke +6 Lukewarm Hotspots in Argyle, Ohio—the Nation’s Capital of Mediocrity +School Board Reminds Attendees To Limit Comments To 60 Slurs Or Less +Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future +N-Word Use On Twitter Jumps 500% After Elon Musk Takeover +South Koreans To Become Younger As Traditional Age System Scrapped +Flesh-Eating Bacteria Struggle To Chew Through Leathery Florida Residents +Police Release Composite Sketch Of What They Would Prefer Murder Suspect To Look Like +Hospital Patient Arrested For Switching Off Neighbor’s ‘Noisy’ Oxygen Machine +Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan +Police Let Jogger Keep Body She Found After No One Claims It Within 90 Days +Florida Woman Suing Velveeta Over ‘False’ Cooking Time Claim +Things People Hate The Most About Disney Adults +NRA Congratulates School Shooter For Terrific Aim Given Such Small Targets +Hertz To Pay $168 Million After Falsely Accusing Customers Of Stealing Rental Cars +England No Longer Majority Christian +Self-Loving Tesla Forgives Itself For Running Over Child +New Pam Ad Campaign Reminds Teens That Pam Can Get Them High And Is Easy To Obtain +Studio Offers Free Kanye West Tattoo Removal +Breaking: Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh +French Baguette Given UNESCO World Heritage Protection +Childless Man Wonders Who’ll Be There To Neglect Him When He’s Old +Nation’s Drunk Women List Mental Illnesses They Have +Unfortunate Study Finds Abusing Waitstaff Secret To Longer, Happier Life +Narcan Vending Machine Reverses 600 Overdoses +Things All Cats Do That Prove They Are Psychopaths +Existential Horror At Wealthy Elite Selling Off Humanity’s Future Successfully Sublimated Into Yelling At Cashier +Things To Never Say To Your Amazon Delivery Driver +Drake Gifts DJ Khaled 4 Luxury Toilets For Christmas +Shanghai Tower Named World’s Tallest Building Amid Late Growth Spurt +Mom Wants To Know When Couple Going To Give Her Better Grandchildren +Zombie Virus Revived After 48,500 Years In Permafrost +Doctors Warn Insomnia Can Affect Ability Of Weird Guy To Stand In Doorway Watching You Sleep +Christmas Tree Lot Guy So Ready For Annual 46-Week Vacation +James Cameron ‘Proves’ Jack Couldn’t Have Survived Titanic Sinking +Man Peels Price Tag Off Gift For Dog +U.S. Treasury Introduces New Wild Bills That Can Be Used For Any Dollar Amount +Restaurant Customers Explain Why They Refuse To Tip +Powerful ‘Bomb Cyclone’ Expected To Disrupt Holiday Travel +Michael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of Head +What To Say If Someone Is Gaslighting You +Girlfriend In One Of Those Moods Where She Misses Her Deceased Mother +Father Engages Siri In Argument About WWII +‘It’s Going To Be A White Christmas!’ Says Man Who Will Spend Holiday Trapped In Overturned Car +Petco Begins Selling Pre-Killed Gerbils +Nazi Secretary, 97, Convicted For Role In 10,000 Murders At Death Camp +‘Fortnite’ Maker Fined $520 Million For Invading Kids’ Privacy And Tricking Players +Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me! +Ex-Christian Makes Uncomfortable Small Talk After Running Into Jesus Christ At Store +Compassionate Man Leaves Wife To Give Her Space To Deal With Cancer Diagnosis +Most Common Issues Men Bring Up In Therapy +Man Who Could Have Been Holding Gun In Diverging Timeline Shot Dead By Police +Potential Candidates To Replace Elon Musk As Twitter CEO +U.N. Votes To Remove Iran From Women’s Rights Council +Twitter Users Vote For Elon Musk To Step Down As CEO +FIFA Officials Open For 2030 World Cup Bribes +Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer +Report: Hundreds Of Swimmers Die Every Year Getting Tangled Up In Plastic Lane Dividers +Drill Sergeant Struggling To Communicate That New Recruits Are, In Fact, The Worst He’s Ever Seen +‘They Hate Me–They Hate Me Because I’m Fat,’ Says Sobbing Biden Viewing Latest Approval Ratings +Giant Aquarium Housing 1,500 Fish Bursts In Berlin +Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup +Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children +Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries +Trump Mocked For ‘Major Announcement’ He’s Selling Trading Cards +Out-Of-Shape Streaker Ashamed After Cramp Forces Him To Walk Rest Of Way Across Football Field +Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following +Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride +Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time +What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On Christmas +Mac Jones Calls Game ‘Must Win’ After Bill Belichick Shows Him Picture Of His Family Sleeping +Week In Review: December 18, 2022 +Senate Votes To Ban TikTok On Government Devices +Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent +What To Know About The Nuclear Fusion Breakthrough +Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump +Elon Musk No Longer Richest Person In World +Subway Introduces Mandatory 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold For Anyone Thinking Of Ordering Sandwich +Single Woman Feels Safer Keeping Loaded Baked Potato In Nightstand +Conservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying America +‘America’s Test Kitchen’ Begs Middle-Aged Women To Stop Sending Them Panties +U.S. Announces Nuclear Fusion Energy Breakthrough +Gates Foundation Unveils Initiative To Give Starving Africans Fat Suits +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 15 Picks +Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan +What Will Happen To FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried? +CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried +‘Woman’ Named Dictionary.com’s 2022 Word Of The Year +Ancestry Website Shows Chart Of Which Dead People Busted Loads Inside Other Dead People +Uncle Returns From Trip Abroad With Treasure Trove Of Prescription Medications +Bill Protecting Same-Sex Marriage Signed Into Law +What To Know About ‘Avatar: The Way Of Water’ +Biggest Reasons Not To Sleep With A Coworker +Kansas Keystone Pipeline Leak Largest In Pipeline’s History +Nation Forgives Harvey Weinstein After He Gets Really Good At Football +Johnson & Johnson Raises Price Of Band-Aids To $100,000 Apiece +Arizona Governor Building Illegal Makeshift Border Wall During Final Days In Office +Elon Musk Receives Experimental Neuralink Implant In Attempt To Delete Memory Of Being Booed +Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé +Nation That Can’t Agree Upon Rules Of ‘Uno’ Attempts To Come To Ideological Consensus +Winter Clothing Drive Puts Out Urgent Request For More Giant Foam Fingers +Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party +San Francisco Backtracks On Allowing Police Robots To Use Deadly Force +‘Wordle’ Is 2022’s Most-Googled Search Term +Biggest Revelations From Harry And Meghan’s Netflix Documentary +God Reveals Frogs’ Mouths Designed Specifically To Feel Awesome On Penis +Lifeguard Has To Admit Riptide Just Wanted It More +Black Coworker Probably Wants Someone To Bring Up Negro League Baseball To Him Out Of Nowhere +Musk’s Neuralink Faces Federal Inquiry After Killing 1,500 Animals In Testing +Brittney Griner Released From Russian Prison In Swap For Convicted Arms Dealer +Teehee! ;) +ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated +D.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s Black +Pros And Cons Of AI-Generated Content +Germany Foils QAnon-Linked Terror Plot To Overthrow Government +Most Controversial Celebrity Pregnancy Reveals +Family Scandalized After Grandmother Leaves Hot, Young Caretaker Her Cherished Cobbler Recipe +U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy +God Kicking Self For Not Coming Up With Hentai +Trump Organization Found Guilty On All Counts Of Tax Fraud +Americans React To Brittney Griner Returning Home From Russia +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks +‘The Onion’ Has Accidentally Locked Ourselves Out Of Our Office In Solidarity With Striking ‘New York Times’ Workers +Elon Musk Worried He Won’t Have Enough Twitter Employees Left To Fire On Christmas Eve +What Is Americans’ Biggest Workplace Issue? +Milo Yiannopoulos Fired From Kanye West’s 2024 Presidential Campaign +Biggest Revelations From Ron DeSantis’ New Book ‘The Courage To Be Free’ +Progressive In Year 2180 Blasts Gender Discrimination In Conscription Practices Of Nabisco’s Corporate Military +Indonesia Bans Sex Outside Of Marriage +Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’ +Pros And Cons Of Refusing Service Based On Religious Beliefs +‘So What Do You Do For Work?’ Says Man In Brilliant Opening Gambit Of Making Woman Love Him +Students Uncover Under-Desk Surveillance Devices +Twins Invent Secret Sex Move They Only Use With Each Other +Trump Slams Biden As America’s Most Flat-Assed President +Donald Trump Calls To Terminate Constitution +Herschel Walker Scrambles To Collect Dozens Of Fetuses That Fell Out Of Pants Pocket +SWAT Team Busts Down Door Of Denver Woman’s Home To Apologize For Previous Raid +Rat Mother Accused Of Savoring One Child Over Another +Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying +New Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible Quote +What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials +Avian Flu Kills 50 Million Birds In Record U.S. Outbreak +Bob Dylan Apologizes For Machine-Printed ‘Signatures’ +Jerry Jones Blasts Media For Trying To Make Segregation Look Bad +MLB Owners Hold Separate Meeting For Teams Actually Trying To Win Next Season +Elon Musk Announces Plans To Implant Tesla In Human Brain Within 6 Months +8,000 U.S. Soldiers Accidentally Tear-Gassed During Morale-Boosting Activity +Over-50 Dating App Filters Matches Solely By Whether They’d Stay If You Got Parkinson’s +Banned Users React To Elon Musk Allowing Them Back On Twitter +Fate Of Christmas Uncertain After Eric Adams Institutionalizes Real Santa +Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans +NYC Will Hospitalize Mentally Ill People Involuntarily +Full-Faced Black Hood™ Drops Kanye West As Celebrity Spokesperson +New World Cup Fan Frantically Searching Online For Any Information He Can Find On Country Of ‘United States’ +The Onion’s Style Guide To Always Supporting The Police +Right-Wingers Criticize Kanye For Not Using Platform To Raise Awareness Of Lesser-Known Nazis +Conservatives React To Ye’s Appearance On Infowars +Woman Embraces Holiday Spirit By Telling Strangers She Doesn’t Speak To Her Family +‘It’s Not Too Bad,’ Says Man As Hot Sauce Begins Disintegrating Jaw +CEOs Explain Why Their Brands Stopped Advertising On Elon Musk’s Twitter +Oath Keepers Found Guilty Of Seditious Conspiracy In Capitol Attack +Hakeem Jeffries Elected To House Democratic Leader In Historic First +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 13 Picks +Taco Bell Introduces New Cheesy Beef Dunk Tank +How Americans Decide Which Charities To Donate To +Herschel Walker Quietly Asking Around For D.C. Abortion Clinic Recommendations +Biden’s Secret Service Rental Cars Burst Into Flames At Nantucket Airport +Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Scared Of Flying +Redditors’ Class-Action Lawsuit Alleges Robinhood On Some Bitch Shit +‘This’ Comment Dozens Of Twitter Users On Thread Incorrectly Explaining News Story +How Redditors Drove A GameStop Stock Surge +Jif Slammed For New Ad Claiming Children With Peanut Allergies Just Lying For Attention +Health Care Workers Trapped In Snow Storm Offer Vaccine To Stranded Drivers +Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train +Fossilized Skeleton Shows Ancient Man Likely Died From Being Smashed In Skull By Archaeological Pickaxe +Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command +Shark Populations Down 71% Since 1970 +Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Fucking Suck +Biden Continues Reading ‘The Pet Goat’ To Schoolchildren After Being Informed Of GameStop Situation +‘Buy! No, Sell! No, Buy!’ Scream Dueling Front And Back Faces Of Jim Cramer Trying To Drown Each Other Out +‘When You Trap A Tiger’ Awarded 2021 Newbery Medal +Disney Installs Animatronic Christian Missionaries To Convert Natives On Jungle Cruise Ride +Report Finds Majority Of Americans Don’t Have Enough Reward Points Saved To Survive Sudden Skincare Disaster +Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan +Hikers Urged To Avoid Appalachian Trail Over Covid Concerns +Curt Schilling Insists He’d Already Be Hall Of Famer If MLB Never Racially Integrated +Biden Authorizes U.S. Military To Shoot Down Any Harmful Greenhouse Gases That Enter Nation’s Airspace +Citizens Pay $55 Million Each To Be Part Of Commercial Space Crew Visiting ISS +YouTube Removes Thousands Of Underperforming Covid Misinformation Videos +NFL Reformers Criticize Cowboys-To-Broadcast Booth Pipeline +Increasingly Bold Israel Begins Building Settlements In Downtown Albuquerque +Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’ +Paleontologists Say Baby Tyrannosaurs Were As Big As Medium-Sized Dogs +Pros And Cons Of Eliminating The Filibuster +National Guard Returns To Endless Sleep Under Mount Rushmore Until Nation Calls Upon Them Again +Experts Say Severe Weather Will Continue Until Gargantuan Child Shaking Earth’s Snow Globe Calms Down +CDC Warns About More Deadly Covid Variants After Virus Mutates Into Serial Killer Richard Ramirez +Merck Halts Development Of Coronavirus Vaccines +Late-Arriving Protestor Has No Idea What He’s Chanting +‘Home Gym Equipment Is Still Sold Out Everywhere,’ Man Hopes +Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids +The Weeknd To Star In Super Bowl Halftime Show +Rest Easy: Bethesda Announces That Shia LaBeouf Will Appear In ‘Indiana Jones’ Game But His Character Dies Almost Immediately +CDC Announces Country On Track To Chuck 1 Million Expired Vaccines Per Day +Sarah Huckabee Sanders Vows To Protect Good People Of Arkansas From Any Questions +Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It +Disguised Amazon Drone Sneaks Into Worker Meeting To Disrupt Union Talk +Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie +Arizona GOP Censures Anti-Trump Republicans +Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down +Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site +Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters +Some Grocery Stores To Pay Employees To Get Vaccinated +Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test +NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups +China Sanctions Mike Pompeo Along With 27 Other Trump Administration Officials +Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now +Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car +Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days +Sarah Thomas Becomes First Woman To Officiate At Super Bowl +Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned +UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law +NBA Fans Admit They Could Have Used Longer Break From Chris Webber +Fauci Says 100 Million Vaccinations In 100 Days Is Feasible +Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation +Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection +Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe +Know Your Rights: If A Cop Asks You To Stop Gaming, You Don’t Have To +Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden +Rescue Crews In China Work To Save Trapped Miners +Supporters Waltz With Cutouts Of Biden, Harris During Socially Distanced Inaugural Ball +Nation Could Have Sworn There Was Already First Female Vice President +White Man Finds It Fitting That Today Also Martin Luther King Jr. Day +Mets Fire General Manager For Sexually Harassing Reporter +Next Steps For Trump Administration Members +Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden +Crowd Politely Cheers Along As Pat Toomey’s Senate Jazz Combo Plays Opening Set At Inauguration +Stray Doberman Accidentally Sworn In As President After Putting Paw On Inaugural Bible +‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof +Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod +Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club +U.S. Enters Constitutional Crisis After Forgetting Whether Transfer Of Presidential Power Happens At 12 A.M. Or 12 P.M. +FBI Vetting 25,000 National Guard Members Ahead Of Inauguration +‘New York Times’ Retracts Entire ‘The Daily’ Amid Revelations It Completely Fabricated Michael Barbaro +Trump To Issue Up To 100 Pardons On Tuesday +Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List +Trump Panicking After Realizing Fingerprints All Over White House +Researchers Suggest Wild Horses Don’t Have To Worry About Any Of This +Welfare Check +New Erectile Dysfunction Start-Up Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse +Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant +Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine +God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven +Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement +Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar +MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front +Lady Gaga, J. Lo To Perform At Biden Inauguration +‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location +U.S. Mint Introduces New Seven-Cent Coin To Bolster Citizens’ Math Skills +Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation +Wikipedia Turns 20 +Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal +Former Michigan Governor Charged In Flint Water Crisis +Matt Gaetz Forced To Host Hundreds Of White Nationalists After Airbnb Pulls D.C. Listings +Airbnb Blocks All D.C. Bookings Ahead Of Inauguration +Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way +The Greatest NFL Coaches Of All Time +Charles Barkley Blasts Today’s Fragile NBA Players Who Can’t Just Play Through Covid Like He Did +Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue +National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration +Citigroup Begrudgingly Keeps Funding Marco Rubio After Learning Senator Voted For Election Certification +Officials Trace Slow Vaccine Rollout To Sweet Old Ladies Holding Up Line With Their Chitchat +Still Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim Edition +Michael Moore Questions Asian Carp On Role In Destroying Ecosystems In First Nature Documentary +Man Ice Skating For First Time Really Getting Hang Of Clutching Wall +Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump +Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Trump In Last Days Of Presidency +Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second +‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall +Nervous Browns Fan Still Worried Team Going To Blow 48-37 Lead Over Steelers From Days Ago +Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening +Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson’s Will +Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations +Conservatives Accuse Nature Of Silencing Right-Wing Voices After Sheldon Adelson Dies At 87 +Nation Settles On Being Home To Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame As New Foundation For American Exceptionalism +Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside Laptop +Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago +Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines +Amazon Suspends Parler From Web-Hosting Service After Google, Apple Remove App From Stores +‘Jeopardy!’ Producers Regretting Making Every Answer Of Memorial Episode ‘Alex Trebek’ +FBI Narrows Down Identity Of Red-Faced Man Carrying Confederate Flag Through Capitol To Millions Of Americans +GOP Senators Call On Trump To Resign +D.C. Police Preemptively Deploy 3 Officers For Inauguration Day +Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse +Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get +Trump Rioter Knocks On Senate Door To Ask About Retrieving Left-Behind Car Keys +Betsy DeVos Apologizes For Ever Being Complicit With Something As Toxic As Public Education +How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A Pandemic +Scrambling Democrats Rush To Begin Impeachment Hearings By April +Department Of Agriculture Warns Of 37% Decline In Soybean Yield Following Stillborn Birth Of Albino Calf +Pro-Trump Rioter Trying To Figure Out What To Do With Looted Devin Nunes +Eerily Silent Charmin Twitter Account Apparently Condones Attack On Capitol +Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash +‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban +‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise +Josh Hawley Condemns Pro-Trump Rioters For Upstaging His Own Theatrics +Democrats Declare Nation Has Given Them Clear Mandate To Squander +North Korea Holds Quiet, Low-Key Nuclear Test Just For Self +Nation’s Most Insane-Looking Lawyers Enthusiastically Volunteer Services To Trump Rioters +New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom +Trump Supporter Excited To Finally Disengage With Politics After Government Overthrow Finished +Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic +Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun +Why The Coronavirus Vaccine Is Being Delayed +New Mental Health Initiative To Add 10,000 Beds To Nation’s Prisons +Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room +Poll Finds Being Stuck In Infinite Time Loop Biggest Issue For Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump Voters +CDC Unveils List Of Twitter Accounts You Can Follow To Piece Together Vaccine Information +Scientists Attempt To Convince Public To Take Covid More Seriously By Explaining Concept Of Death +Worrying Study Finds Today’s Tutorial Levels Not Adequately Preparing Players For Challenges Of World 8 +Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname +Nancy Pelosi Berates Progressive Democrats For Electing Such Polarizing Speaker +Rueful Trump Wishes He Knew Republicans This Willing To Overthrow Democracy Earlier In Term +American People Guess They’ll Let Trump Stay President After Seeing How Badly He Wants It +Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs +Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken +Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes +Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer +Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss +Israel Criticized For Denying Palestinians Spare Vaccines +Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf +Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains +Pakistan Deploys Rollerblading Police Unit +Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth +Whoa, Hold On, Gamers: 6 Reasons Why This Image We’re Looking At Of Bullet Bill With A Huge Member Isn’t What You Think +City’s Little Italy Now Down To Single Meatball +The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game +Frustrated Coronavirus Not Sure What More It Can Change About Self To Get With Vaccinated Grandmother +Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities +More Americans Identifying As LGBTQ +NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity +Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out +Poll Finds Almost Half Of Republicans Would Join Trump Party +Golden Globes Voters Pampered On ‘Emily In Paris’ Set Visit +Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage +Career Timeline Of Daft Punk +Japan Appoints Minister Of Loneliness +Mitch McConnell Presses Merrick Garland About Legal Philosophy On Vengeance +Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity +Deathbed Letter Implicates NYPD, FBI In Malcolm X Murder +Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades +El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned +Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave +Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies +Texans Facing Electricity Bills As High As $17,000 Following Winter Storm +NBA Shot Clock Ejected From Game After Startling Referee With Buzzer +Trump Worried Biden Will Take Credit For 500,000 Covid Deaths He Made Possible +Study Finds Keeping A Gun In The Home Increases Chances Of Child Becoming Popular With Cool Kids +Joe Manchin Reverses Stance On Abolishing Filibuster After Son Diagnosed With Filibuster Disease +Entire California School Board Resigns After Mocking Parents In Accidental Livestream +Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown +‘Get Me On The First Flight Outta Here’ Says John Cornyn In Hoodie, Sunglasses Banging On Bahamas Airport Desk +‘The Penis Is The Male Reproductive Organ,’ Says Teacher To 5th-Grade Class That Has Already Watched Hundreds Of Hours Of Hardcore Pornography +This Week’s Winter Storms, By The Numbers +Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right +Respectful Drivers Pull Over To Side Of Road To Let Pizza Delivery Guy Through +Facebook Takes Down All Posts Spreading Misinformation About Fictional Nation Of ‘Australia’ +Maine Residents Placed Under Boil Lobster Advisory +Luka Dončić Shares Harrowing Story About Homeland Being Torn Apart By Tyrannical Referees +Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self +Studio Ghibli Theme Park Opening Delayed After Construction Site Overrun With Curious Forest Sprites +Navy Seal Swimming In Full Tactical Gear Must Have Terrible Body Image Issues +Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius +We’ve Seen Enough: OGN Is Officially Calling The State Of New Hampshire For Gamers +Doctor Assures Limbaugh Family It Normal For Body To Continue Ranting About Welfare Queens Hours After Death +Algorithm That Came Up With ‘Cruella’ Hurt To See People Mocking Trailer +Newsmax Host Falsely Claims 1 Person Died, 20 People Born At Capitol Riots +Vaccination Drive Finally Returns Nursing Home To Normal Levels Of Depressing +Australian Open Criticized For Pitting Black Women Against Each Other During Black History Month +Frightened LeBron James Contemplates Retirement After Catching Glimpse Of 80-Year-Old Self In Backboard Reflection +The Onion’s Guide To Clubhouse +Orioles Concerned After Multiple Players Arrive At Spring Training In Way Too Good Of Shape For Baseball +‘You Go Back Where You Came From,’ Says Texan Pointing Gun At Snowman Trespassing On Property +Breaking: Stop That Man! +Historians Reveal Terra-Cotta Army Result Of Perfectionist Sculptor Screwing Up Soldier Statue Thousands Of Times +Instagram Bans Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Over Vaccine Misinformation +Something About The Way Society Was Exposed As Complete Illusion Over Past Year Really Getting Man Down Today +Employees On Zoom Call Watch In Horror As 2 Coworkers Who Began Talking At The Same Time Just Keep Powering Through +Police Union Honors Law Enforcement Officers Injured Carrying Out Capitol Attack +Happy Birthday Text To Mom Spirals Into Whole Conversation +Timeline Of Britney Spears’ Career +Lindsey Graham Hisses Directions At Attorneys Messing Up Speech They Spent Hours Rehearsing +Shaq Assures NBA Players His Baseless Cheap Shots Come From A Good Place +Tokyo 2020 Olympics President Resigns Following Sexist Comments +‘We Must Act Now To Save Our Civilization,’ Says Melting King Of Glacieria During U.N. Address +OSHA Announces Revamped Forklift Certification Will Feature Halfpipe Portion +Yellow Lobster Caught Off Coast Of Maine +Doughnut Shop Owned By Shaquille O’Neal Burns Down +Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity +LaVar Ball Claims LaMelo Unhappy About Being Left Off NBA’s Top-50 All-Time Team +Experts Warn Uptick In Celebrity Boxing A Sign Nation Still Not Ready To Process Last Four Years +Buccaneers Celebrate Super Bowl Victory With Boat Parade +Tim Cook Unveils Rows Of Artificial Wombs After Announcing Apple Will Begin Manufacturing Own Employees In House +Ted Cruz Deeply Disturbed By Part Of Capitol Riot Video Where Chuck Schumer Not Beaten To Death +Biggest Games Of Winter 2021 +Senators Overjoyed By Chihuahua Jumping Through Hoops During Impeachment Intermission +End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5 +Mississippi Town Offering Stipend For Remote Workers To Move In +Utah School Drops Plans To Let Students Opt Out Of Black History Month +Larry Flynt Promises To Make God Famous With Nude Photo Shoot +Timeline Of U.S. Involvement In Yemen +Andrew Yang Leading NYC Mayoral Race After Flipping Off Residents And Telling Them To Suck His Dick +Boyfriend Upset About Something American Government Did In 1970s +Health Experts Recommend Against Getting Zapped By Any Sort Of Futuristic Space Gun +Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her +Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull +Botched Autopsy Brings Murder Victim Back To Life +Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now +Patrick Mahomes: ‘This Loss Will Motivate Me To Appreciate What’s Actually Meaningful In Life’ +GOP Senators Argue It’s Unconstitutional To Be Forced To Work On A Tuesday +‘New England Journal Of Teen Medicine’ Retracts Flawed Study Positing You Can’t Get Pregnant The First Time +Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos +Wallet Lost In Antarctica Returned 53 Years Later +Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody +Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear +Onlookers Realize Beauty Of Love Again After Seeing Dead-Eyed Man Swiping Right On Every Tinder Profile +Man Hoping To Turn $250 Super Bowl Winnings Into All Encompassing Hunger That Will Ruin His Entire Life +Buccaneers Win Super Bowl LV +City’s Outdoor Dining Solutions Slowly Advancing Beyond Rest Of Civilization +Judge Real Stickler About Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989 +NFL Bankrupted After Receiving $6.3 Trillion Bill From Hospitals For Healthcare Workers Appearance +Voting Machine Company Sues Fox News For $2.7 Billion +Excited Tampa Bay Residents Wish They Had An Actual City To Tear Apart +Famished Man Succumbs To Deceitful Whisper Of Hours-Old Gameday Deviled Eggs +‘Witness All, The End Of Your So-Called Society,’ Says Covid Particle Taking Over Super Bowl Sound System +‘Wait, So Why Did That Guy Just Drink That Beer?’ Asks Annoying Friend Who Never Watches Commercials +‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits +Biologists Discover Modern-Day Corn Dog Descended From Ancient Aquatic Sausage +What’s Next For Jeff Bezos? +Theme Park Sues Taylor Swift Over Album Name +Tom Brady Refuses Request To Throw Touchdown For Kid With Cancer To Avoid Glorifying Unhealthy Lifestyle +Americans Scrambling For Covid Vaccine After CDC Director Announces Thousands Of Doses Buried Somewhere In California +Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LV +Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’ +Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce +Court Records Show Merck Knew Anti-Baldness Drug Could Be Linked To Suicide +Republicans Accuse Ocasio-Cortez Of Not Being Anywhere Near Place They Told Capitol Mob She Would Be +Canada Designates Proud Boys As Terrorist Group +Pundits Warn Removing Marjorie Taylor Greene From Committee Assignments Could Leave Her With Free Time +Kevin Feige Panicking After Mom Throws Out $3.6 Billion Worth Of Superhero Crap +‘I Want To Go See Those Mountains Where It Looks Like Avatar,’ Says Biden In Speech Outlining Foreign Policy Agenda +Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird +6 Arrested For Changing Hollywood Sign To Read ‘Hollyboob’ +Golden Globes Praised For Diverse Talent Level Of Nominees +‘So Should I Invoice You Later?’ Says Janet Yellen Trying To Secure Speaking Fee After Meeting With Regulators +Pete Buttigieg Confirmed As Transportation Secretary +‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint +Man Scores Vintage Coin-Operated Texas Instruments Graphing Cabinet +How Stock Trading Apps Like Robinhood Work +Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees +Google Threatens To Withdraw Search Engine From Australia +‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity +Myanmar Military Seizes Power In Coup +Health Insurance Lobbyist Tears Up After Realizing Dianne Feinstein No Longer Recognizes His Face +Activists Call On Sitcom Producers To Reckon With Genre’s Ugly History Of Sarcasm +Shy Brothers In Affluent Suburb Already Feeling Pressure To Become Auteur Filmmakers +Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted +Researchers Discover New Species Of Whale +Andrew Cuomo Unveils Plan To Reduce Covid Spread At Nursing Homes By Throwing Residents Out Onto Street +Wolf Blitzer Announces Grim Milestone As Number Of Covid-19 Deaths Surpasses Jelly Beans In Jar +Woman Quick To Clarify That Child In Dating Profile Picture Not Alive Anymore +BET Executives Panicking After Realizing They Have Nothing Lined Up For Black History Month +Girl Scouts Partner With Grubhub For Cookie Delivery +Confused About The GameStop Stock Situation? Here’s An Explainer We Plagiarized Wholesale From Polygon Because We Don’t Get It Either +Insurrectionist Truther Doesn’t Believe He Was At Capitol +Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling +Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God +Cheech Marin Opens Art Museum +Arkansas Bill Bans Gender-Affirming Healthcare For Trans Youth +Astronomers Concerned After Finding Melanoma In Previously Unexplored Corner Of Galaxy +Biden Unveils $2 Trillion Infrastructure Plan To Mail Every U.S. Citizen Envelope Of Wet Cement +Matt Gaetz Vehemently Denies Wrist Full Of Sex Bracelets Has Anything To Do With 17-Year-Old +‘Elder Scrolls’ Update Imminent: Todd Howard’s Tracks Suggest His Blood Loss Is Slowing Him Down Too Much To Continue Outrunning Us +How International Shipping Works And How The Suez Canal Ship Screwed It Up Completely +CDC Announces It Kind Of Embarrassing To Get Coronavirus This Late In Pandemic +Experts Worried Students Will Fall Behind After Spending Past Year In U.S. Education System +New Wells Fargo Employee Walked Through All The Crimes He’ll Be Asked To Commit +Pollution Shrinking Human Penises, Warns Scientist +Top Entertainment News: March +Top Politics News: March +Lil Nas X Releases Controversial ‘Satan Shoes’ +Buttigieg Reveals $90 Billion Plan To Revamp Balsa Wood Bridges For Miniature Americans +Omaha Steaks Announces Plan To Give 18 Weeks Of Maternity Leave To Cows +Conservative Christian Deeply Offended At Rap Video’s Implication That Satan A Homosexual +‘I Saw It A Long Time Ago, Or Maybe I Only Saw Part Of It,’ Says Liar Immediately Backtracking In Film Conversation +Finance Whiz Predicts The Dow Will Open At 9:30 A.M. Tomorrow +CDC Concludes U.S. Not Prepared For Potential Pandemic Following Year-Long Simulation Drill +Beloved Children’s Author Beverly Cleary Dies At 104 +Georgia Bans Handing Out Food, Water To Voting Lines +Biden Assures Impoverished Countries That Vaccine Donations Coming Right After U.S. Inoculates Trees +Dismayed NASA Announces Massive Cargo Ship Stuck Between Earth And Moon +Man Knows Fast Food Order Will Come To Him In The Moment +The Most Insane Quotes We Heard About Video Games In Winter 2021 +New Journals Reveal Darwin’s Observations Began As Research For Finch-Based Fantasy Series +Police Now Ignoring Active Shooter Reports In Effort To Deprive Killers Of Attention +Bottles Of Wine Return To Earth After Year In Space +First Openly Transgender Federal Official Confirmed By Senate +Family At Zoo Fans Out Into Wedge Formation To Achieve Dominance Of Sidewalk +Amazon Improves Workplace Conditions By Installing Open Waste Grates On Warehouse Floors +Key Members Of Biden’s Cabinet +Report Suggests Union Support Would Surge If Every Member Got One Of Those Sharp-Looking Teamster Bomber Jackets +Report: System Update Means Computer Going To Have To Go Away For Little While +Wildebeest Mother Blasts ‘Our Planet’ Producer Who Just Stood By While Jackal Ate Her Daughter +Man Throws Open Doors Of Refrigerator Like Feudal Lord Entering Balcony To Gaze Upon Realm +Conservative Berating Disney Store Employee Over Miss Piggy Merchandise Worried He No Longer Knows Who He Fighting +Kind Gesture: ‘Halo Infinite’ Will Let Players Who Are Widows Download A Black Shawl For Master Chief To Wear In-Game +Utah Governor Signs Bill Requiring Porn Filters On Devices +Massive Cargo Ship Becomes Wedged In Suez Canal +L.A. Books 5,000 Hotel Rooms For Police Officers To Take Naps In Between Displacing Homeless +I Am Still In The Car +‘Can You Trust Anything You See?’ Says Jack Dorsey, Shapeshifting Into Cat During Congressional Testimony On Misinformation +Could You Pass The U.S. Citizenship Test? +Ted Cruz Decries Voting Rights Bill As Shameless Power Grab By American People To Control Country +Woman Relieved She No Longer Has To Support Closed Bookstore +New Special Effects Technology Able To Age Young Actress Into Elderly 30-Year-Old +Krispy Kreme Offering Free Doughnuts To Vaccinated Customers +He Has To Realize On His Own: Wario Just Wondered Aloud What It Would Be Like If There Were An Evil Version Of Mario +Krispy Kreme Offers Vaccinated Customers Free Ride On Glaze Conveyor Belt +Potential Solutions For Preventing A Wild Pandemic Spring Break +Georgia Lawmakers Warn Stricter Gun Regulation Could Cause Mass Shooters To Move To Other States +Head Shop Owner Starting To Think No One Will Ever Buy $6,000 Glass Bong That Looks Like Genie From ‘Aladdin’ +Police Say Dead Homeless Individual Threatened Them With Weapon As Far As You Know +CDC Places Star Stickers On Bulletin Board Next To Names Of Americans Who Followed Rules Whole Pandemic +First U.S. Baby Born With Covid-19 Antibodies +14th Sexual Assault Lawsuit Against Deshaun Watson Forces Fan To Reckon With Full-Blown Conspiracy Against Quarterback +White House Staffers Fired For Past Marijuana Use +Spring Breaker Not Going To Let Curfew Stop Him From Doing Whatever It Is He Does While Blackout Drunk +USPS Announces 10-Year Plan To Deliver Letter +‘Jeopardy!’ Guest Host Dr. Oz Under Fire For Claims He Could Have Cured Alex Trebek With These 3 Tips +Parents Can’t Tell If Pandemic Inhibited Toddler’s Social Skills Or If He’s Just Taking After Dad +Foping Bamboo Forest Named Best Outdoor Dining Spot By Panda Quarterly +HR Warns Employees Against Taking Unsanctioned 8-Hour Naps Every Night While Working From Home +U.S. Senators Describe Moment They Were Inspired To Run For Office +Boca Raton Declares State Of Emergency After Person Spotted Outside Past 8 P.M. +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Covid-19 Guidelines Recommend No Screaming On Roller Coasters +Miami Beach Extends State Of Emergency Over Spring Break Crowds +Report: Nation’s Collapsed Bridges Save Hundreds Of Americans From Jumping Off Them Annually +Biden Claims It’s Unfair To Attack Administration Over U.S. Borders That Were Created By James K. Polk +Study Finds Snow Leopards Lead Solitary Lifestyle Because They’re Arrogant Bastards Who Think They’re Better Than Everybody Else +The Richest Person In Every State And How They Made Their Money +National Support Grows To Give North Dakota’s Statehood To D.C. +Report: You Were Supposed To Be Looking Something Up Right Now +AI Researcher Warns Deepfake Videos Of Him Cheating On Wife Will Become More Common +Woman Feeling Pressure To Settle Down With Man Just Because He’s Protagonist In Romantic Comedy +‘Serial Stowaway’ Arrested For 22nd Time At O’Hare +‘I’d Trade All Of This For An NBA Title In A Heartbeat,’ Says Patrick Ewing To Georgetown Players Before First Tournament Game +Proposal For Sexual Consent App Sparks Backlash +Man Doesn’t Get Why Big Celebrity Like Green M&M Would Stoop To Doing Commercials +Picture Of Rash Uploaded To Different Subreddit For Second Opinion +Marathon Runner Collapses A Little Too Early To Be Compassionately Helped Across Finish Line +What To Know About The Atlanta Spa Killings +Democrats Signal Openness To Restoring Filibuster To Original Form As Drawn-Out Striptease +Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Trust News Bloopers +Upscale Restaurant Boasts Live Piano Lessons +Local Birds Pissed Off Feeder Full Of Tourists +Entenmanntologist Pins Rare Raspberry Crème-Filled Pop’ette To Display Under Glass +Spanish Police Seize ‘Narco-Sub’ Found In Mediterranean Warehouse +Warner Brothers Releases Extended Snyder-Cut ‘Justice League’ Poster +Zack Snyder Remains Optimistic New ‘Justice League’ Cut Will Be Complete By Time First Viewers Finally Reach Act 3 +IRS Pushes Tax Filing Deadline To May 17 +Police Warn Asian Americans To Be On Guard For More Random, Motiveless Attacks +Movie Adaptations That Strayed From The Books +Gamers, We’re Not Saying You Shouldn’t Scatter Your Ashes At Super Nintendo World, But You Need To Stagger It Because It Looks Like Pompeii Here +Relationship Experts Recommend Putting Spark Back In Marriage By Letting Them Watch +‘Doomscrolling,’ ‘Finna’ Among 600 New Words Added To Dictionary +ESPN Offers $1 Million Prize For Bracket That Correctly Predicts Tournament Cancellation +Atlanta Police Rule Out Mass Shooting As Cause Of Death After Suspect Says He Didn’t Shoot Anyone +Intelligence Report: Russia, Iran Tried To Influence 2020 Presidential Election +The Onion’s Guide To NFTs +Russia Confirms They Participated In 2020 Election After Constantly Hearing It Most Important Election Of Lifetime +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Embarrassed Woman Hopes Coworkers Didn’t Catch Her Bashing Forehead Into Keyboard +More States Expanding Hunting Season To Combat Rising French Bulldog Population +Sackler Family Feels Full Impact Of Opioid Epidemic After Seeing Spot On Tarmac Where Private Jet Used To Be +Yo-Yo Ma Performs Surprise Concert For Vaccine Recipients +American Media Banned In Other Countries +Loving Support: This Man Brought His Xbox To The Delivery Room So His Wife Could Watch Him Play ‘Assassin’s Creed’ While In Labor +Biden Begs Migrants Not To Come To U.S. Until There Enough Cells To Imprison Everyone +NASA Discovers Scared Asteroid Wandering Through Space Without Its Parents +Saints Quarterback Drew Brees Retires After 20 Seasons +Bible Scholars Say Early Mistranslation Distorted Story Of Jesus Crucifying The Romans +The 36 Members Of BTS +Widow Just Wishes Husband Could Hear All The Rote Pleasantries Funeral Goers Have To Say About Him +Study Shows Runner’s High Caused By Cannabis-Like Biochemicals +Zookeepers Confirm Pandas Not Mating Because They’re Scared Of Messing Up Friendship +Top NFL Free Agents Of 2021 +Beyoncé, Taylor Swift Make Grammy History +Report: Most NFL Teams Just 1 Or 2 Overpriced Free Agents Away From Super Bowl Victory +Florida Attempts To Increase Vaccinations By Leaving Loose Syringes Around Beaches +‘It’s Good To Practice Some Self Care,’ Says Man Kicking Back And Letting Last Chance At Happiness And Success Slip Away +Netflix Runs Test Cracking Down On Password Sharing +The 63rd Annual Grammy Awards: A Recap +Sighing Janitor Once Again Called In To Mop Up Puddle Of Megan Thee Stallion Pussy Juice +Taylor Swift Forced To Perform Songs In Public Domain At Grammys After Losing Rights To Albums Again +BTS Thanks Horrifyingly Exploitative System That Got Them Where They Are Today +Recording Academy Reminds Nominees You Can Crank Little Arm On Statue To Hear Supertramp’s ‘Breakfast In America’ +Biden Signs $1.9 Trillion Covid Relief Bill +New Technology Allows Police To See What Suspects Would Look Like Riding Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster +Man Starting To Understand What NFTs Are After Dropping $69 Million On Beeple Artwork +Senator Can’t Believe It’s Already Been A Year Since He Boosted Stock Portfolio With Classified Coronavirus Information +Bill Walton’s Diatribe About Negative Energy Fields Most Accurate Thing Announcers Have Said All Game +Biden Announces Americans Will Be Able To Do What They Did At Christmas By July 4 +Hey Gamers, Our Source Inside Nintendo Disappeared And We Just Received His Gaming Hand In A Box So Don’t Expect Any News For A While +Humanitarian Aid Just Guns Again +What’s In The Third Covid Relief Bill +GOP Strategist Reminds Legislators There’s No Bad Ideas For Suppressing Black Vote +Alaska First State To Expand Vaccine Eligibility To 16 And Older +Image Of Jack Skellington With Particularly Wicked Smile Suggests T-Shirt Wearer Not Your Typical Disney Fan +Instagram Trick-Shot Star Getting Pretty Good At Not Holding Down Actual Job +Arkansas Passes Near-Total Abortion Ban +More Americans Putting Off Marriage To Focus On Making Nachos In The Microwave +Grieving War Widow Finds Comfort In Wings Of Drone That Served With Husband +Duke Basketball Attempts To Lure Bronny James By Offering To Help Family With Rent, Utilities +Biden Dogs Sent Back To Delaware Following ‘Biting Incident’ +Trump Loses Last Election Appeal +Health Officials Warn It’s Still Too Early To Stop Languishing In State Of Unceasing Despair +Secret Service Worry Major Biden’s Behavior Influenced By Time Spent On Far-Right Dog Forums +Literary Critics Praise Unpublished Salinger Novels As Good, But Not ‘Go Out And Shoot A Celebrity’ Good +Key Takeaways From The Capitol Security Review +Scam Alert: This Guy Thought He Was Buying An Authentic PS5 On eBay, But Received Mark Rothko’s ‘1957 # 20’ Instead +CDC Guidelines Allow Fully Vaccinated People To Gather Indoors With Curtains Drawn To Reduce Spread Of Jealousy +Cavs Fan Already Knows He Won’t Feel A Thing When Kevin Love Dies +Fugitive Caught Coming Out Of Hiding To Buy ‘Call Of Duty’ +Don Jr. Sends Letter To RNC Begging To Have Likeness Used For Fundraising +Coach Unveils Petite Handbag For Holding Fingernails, Skin Flakes, And Other Loose Detritus You Pull Off Your Body +CDC: Fully Vaccinated People Can Gather Indoors Without Masks +CDC Launches Ad Campaign Featuring Racist Mascot In Effort To Get More Conservatives Vaccinated +‘New York Times’ Releases 8-Part Podcast Series Exposing Commentator Who Called Them Irrelevant +Report: Your Father Probably Out With One Of His Whores Tonight +Celebrities Discuss Their Most Difficult Acting Roles +Dutch Inventor’s Covid-19 Test Uses Screams Instead Of Nasal Swabs +Woman Finally Speaks Enough Spanish To Ask Grandma For Money +Los Angeles Carries Out Controlled Burn Of Old-Growth Celebrities To Make Way For New Stars +Meghan Markle Reveals Royals Worried Her Son Wouldn’t Have Family’s Sickly, Rancid Skin +Trump-Appointed Aide Arrested For Role In Capitol Riot +ExxonMobil Throws In A Couple Extra Million While Paying Pollution Fine As Advance On Next Violation +Woman Wouldn’t Have Wondered Aloud How Microwaves Work If She Knew Friend Was Going To Launch Into Answer +‘Taco Bell For Life’ Winner Chooses To Receive Winnings As Single Lump Meal +Ethics Report Shows Elaine Chao Ran Personal Errands With Transportation Department’s Private Zorb +Area Man Been Thinking About You A Lot Lately +Iceland Experiences Over 18,000 Earthquakes In One Week +James Harden Pump Fakes Under 4 Dummies During NBA All-Star Drawing-Fouls Challenge +Oprah Interviews Meghan Markle, Prince Harry: What To Expect +Matt Damon Lowers Cameo Fee To $15 In Hopes Of Getting More Hits +Obama Claims Hulu Execs Killed In Drone Strike Represented Direct Threat To Netflix’s Interests +Study Finds Beckoning Index Finger Still Most Effective Way To Get Americans Onto Dance Floor +Facebook Lifts Temporary Ban On Political Ads +Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity +Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out +Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs +Loved Ones Talk Down Goat Standing On Mountain’s Edge +Customs Officials Find Cocaine-Coated Corn Flakes +First U.S. City To Start Funding Reparations To Black Americans +TikTok Assures Users Worried About Myanmar That They’re Aggressively Monetizing The Situation +Heroic Conservative Risks Own Life To Hide Mr. Potato Heads In Attic +Congress Cancels Thursday Session After Authorities Warn Of Looming Plot To Pass Stimulus Bill +Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole +Bronze Age Man Would Have Worn Nicer Pelts If He’d Known Scientists Would Find His Preserved Body In Bog +Covid Announces Plan To Move Operations To Texas Full-Time To Escape Burdensome Regulations +Dr. Seuss Publisher Pulls Books With Racist Imagery +New Texas Law Requires All Masks Have Word ‘Pussy’ Written Across Front +Biden Nominates Popular Twitter Account @PossumEveryHour For OMB After Discovering Bipartisan Support Of Tweets +Trump Secretly Received Covid-19 Vaccine Before Leaving White House +Popular New Podcast Just Mark Ruffalo Reading Names Of Murder Victims +Previously Unheard Story About Mom’s Uncle Adds Intriguing Layer To Family History Of Mental Illness +Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History +Pros And Cons Of Sharing Vaccine Supplies And Technology +New Military Diversity Initiative Aims To Make Leadership Look More Like Countries They Invade +Capitol Rioter Texted ‘Moron’ To Ex Who Then Turned Him In +Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination +Former French President Found Guilty Of Corruption +U.S. Allocates $500 Million For Mohammed Bin Salman To Use On Anger Management Counseling +World Leaders Pledge To Cut Emissions By As Much As They Can Realistically Back Out Of +Cherokee Chief Asks Jeep To Stop Using Tribe’s Name +Wow: You Can Actually Just Press ‘L3’ To Talk To The Enemies In ‘Demon’s Souls,’ And It Turns Out They’re Really Nice +Justice Department Report Finds Majority Of Homicides Occur Before Opening Credits +Single-Dose Vaccine To Begin Distribution +Cuomo Praised By Media For Decisive, Straight-Talking Approach To Harassing Aides +No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase +Nation’s Monster Truck Rally Organizers Vow To Crush 100% Electric Cars By 2030 +Italy Landslide Drags Hundreds Of Coffins Into Sea +FDA To Ban Menthol Cigarettes +White House Officials Watch In Horror As Major Biden Pulls Marine One Straight Out Of Sky +Deal Alert: Any Video Game At Any Price Is Inherently An Incredible Deal Because Video Games Are Great +What Federal Investigators Found In Rudy Giuliani’s Home +Devastated Man Questions How Economy Recovering From Pandemic If He Only Made $4.1 Million In Q1 +Democrats Throw Justice Breyer Surprise Retirement Party Hoping He’ll Just Go With It +Miami Private School Bars Vaccinated Teachers +Only Tree In Class Sick Of Always Having To Explain Arbor Day +Mel Kiper Touts Draft Pick’s Unprecedented Etiquette Rating From Miss Wiltshire’s Finishing School For Players +‘Citizen Kane’ Falls Below ‘Paddington 2’ On Rotten Tomatoes +Miami Dolphins Just Hoping To Draft Somebody Nice For Once +Promoter Confirms Boxing Match Between Floyd Mayweather And YouTuber Olivia Jade +‘Half Life 3’ Announcement? Al-Qaeda Says They Have Something Big Planned That Will Change The World Forever +Mom Casing Grocery Store Ahead Of Big Sale +Terrified Zach Wilson Cuts Off Pinky Finger To Get Out Of Draft That Would Ship Him Off To Jets +Biden Names Career Diplomat To Serve As White House Pet +Embarrassed CIA Interrogator Realizing He Forgot To Ask Suspect What His Name Is +Entomologists Identify Moth Species That Evolved To Fly Out Of Poor People’s Wallets +Scammer Dated 35 Women For Birthday Gifts +Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5 +CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines +Top Prospects Of The 2021 NFL Draft +Sweat-Drenched Woman Types Frantically As Countdown Threatens To Release Temporarily Reserved Show Tickets +Researchers Determine Coelacanth Faked Own Extinction To Escape Massive Gambling Debt +God Frustrated After Google Search Reveals Octopuses Already Exist +Biden’s First 100 Days: Did He Keep His Campaign Promises? +Woman Faces 21-Year-Old Felony Charges For Unreturned VHS Tape +E.U. Will Allow Vaccinated U.S. Tourists This Summer +Most Controversial Elections In Other Countries +U.S. Sends Developing Countries 70 Million Vaccinated Americans +Guys With Pickup Outside Funeral Parlor Will Bury Grandma For Cheaper +Hair Donation Charities Overwhelmed +Dock Worker Feeling Unfair Pressure To Be Ornery Tough Guy +Students Excited After Teacher Announces Class Being Held Outside While Police Investigate Shooting +‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head +‘Nomadland’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars +Ask The Onion: How To Retire Comfortably +USDA Extends Universal Free School Lunch +Oscar Attendees Flee As Actors Featured During In Memoriam Segment Crawl Out Of Screen, Devour Gary Oldman +Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet +LeVar Burton To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’ After Petition +First Vaccinated Outing Kind Of A Bust +Person Criticizing Police Has No Idea What It’s Like To Wake Up Every Day And Put Lives In Danger +Slaughterhouse Cow Frets Over Personal Contributions To Climate Change +Nation’s Bald Citizens Band Together To Demand Their Heads Stop Being Used As Bongos +Tim Cook Unveils Air Fryer He Got For Christmas +Whole Foods Testing Palm-Scanner Payment System +‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change +Experts Warn Acknowledgement Of Armenian Genocide Risks Drawing U.S. Into WWI +Biden Sends In Troops To Liberate Afghanistan From U.S. +Steven Soderbergh Producing ‘Cinematic’ Oscars Ceremony +Jesus Christ: Shigeru Miyamoto Has Confirmed That Every Nintendo Switch Is Wired To Explode If His Heart Stops For Any Reason +Milwaukee Promotes Itself As Hip, Affordable Place To Live With All The Police Brutality Of Chicago +NCAA Women’s Locker Room Just 3 Loose Garbage Bags Next To Couple Lawn Chairs +Study Finds Salmon Complete Transatlantic Voyage Using Same Teleportation Chamber As Ancestors +City Recycling Program Requires Residents To Sort, Sanitize, Melt, Re-Form, Label, Fill Bottles Before Placing In Bin +Study: Lack Of Sleep In Middle Age Linked To Dementia +NCAA Fines Alabama Football Players For Receiving Championship Rings As Gifts +Kanye’s Response To Divorce Filing Blatantly Samples Kim Kardashian’s Petition +So-Called ‘Anti-Riot’ Bill Signed Into Florida Law +FBI Says Chauvin Matches Profile Of Blue-Uniformed Killer Behind Hundreds More Unsolved Murders +Nation Unable To Quell Insatiable Appetite For All Things ‘Mank’ +Dad Explains Geologic Concept To Family As If He Not Reading Straight From National Park Wayside Exhibit +EPA Hoping To Streamline Ecosystem By Hosting Team-Building Lunch Meet-And-Greets Between Species +What To Know About America’s Refugee Resettlement Program +Elon Musk Unveils Urban Slingshot System Able To Move 6 Pedestrians Across Street Per Hour +HHS Ending Trump-Era Abortion ‘Gag Rule’ +Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large +NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars +Police Ask Tesla To Drive In Straight Line, Recite Alphabet Backwards After Vehicle Crashes Into Tree +Knicks Praised For Embodying New York Spirit Of Overhyped Media Creations +Jimmy Carter Shaken To See Friend Walter Mondale Die So Young +Grammy-Winning Musicians Describe Their Writing Process +Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene +Study: Magic Mushrooms May Treat Depression +Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room +Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child +Fyre Festival Attendees Win Class-Action Settlement +Celebrity Chefs Explain Their Favorite Cooking Hacks +Woman Reassures Boyfriend That Just Because She’s Not Screaming Doesn’t Mean She’s Not Enjoying Roller Coaster +Rainforest Tree Remains Very Still In Hopes That Bulldozer Will Lose Interest And Drive Away +FTC Rules Businesses Must Disclose Whether They Actually Cool Or Just Use Minimalist Branding +EA Games Teases New Project With Cryptic New ‘FIFA 2022’ Logo +Scientists Create Part Human, Part Monkey Embryos +‘Just Like A Fairy Tale,’ Gushes Woman Watching As Royal Corpse Tossed Into Furnace +Remaining U.S. Troops To Withdraw From Afghanistan +Timeline Of The War In Afghanistan +New Reform Effort Will Require Teenagers To Undergo Deescalation Training +Recovering Sex Addict Assures Friends They Can Still Fuck Around Him +Minnesota Deploys National Guard Ahead Of Next Week’s Police Shooting +Russian Diplomats Given 30 Days To Complete Espionage Before Being Expelled +Small Kindnesses: Gamer Shields Ailing Grandmother From News So She Can Die Believing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Patch Largely Fixes It +‘Oh God What Happened Now,’ Mumbles Congressperson After Seeing Massive NRA Donation +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Egyptologists Unearth Skeletal Remains Of First Human Pyramid +Brazil Building New, Bigger Jesus Christ Statue +ArcLight, Pacific Theatres Closing Permanently +Report: San Diegans Just Assumed Padres Were In Los Angeles Now Too +‘You’ve Been Cited For Drinking Adrenochrome At Work,’ Facebook HR Warns Employee During Conspiracy-Laden Performance Review +Loose-Cannon ACLU Investigator Beats Recantation Out Of Confessed Murderer +Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners +Major Things Your Teacher Glossed Over In Sex Ed +OFF! Unveils New Citronella Effigy To Protest Ruthless Mosquitoes +Hawaii Developing Vaccine Passport Program +Fukushima Radioactive Water To Be Dumped In Ocean +Steph Curry Passes Wilt Chamberlain To Become Tallest Player In Warriors Franchise History +Hollywood Tour Group Stops At Jack Nicholson’s House For Routine Wellness Check +Obama Tweets About Podcast Again After Noticing Latest Episode Only Got 11 Streams +Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed +Little League Coach Thinks Right Fielder Has Potential To Be A Great Novelist +Baylor Men’s Basketball Team Unsure How Many More Times Championship Parade Supposed To Circle Waco +Cinerama Blames Closure On More Viewers Choosing To Watch Movies From Own Geodesic Domes +Birth Control: Myth Vs. Fact +Robot That Sold NFT Artwork Eyes Music Career +U.S. Domestic Terrorism Rises To Historic Levels +Police Department To Avoid Future Errors By Replacing All Equipment Officers Carry With Guns +Pope Francis Kept Up By Drunk Cardinal Arguing With Girlfriend In St. Peter’s Square +New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over +Nation Glad They Could Spend $450 Million For Astronaut To Have Little Epiphany About Humanity’s Place In Universe +Geologists Recommend Eating At Least One Small Rock Per Day +U.S. Faces Ketchup Packet Shortage +Entirety Of Objectionable Human Behavior Explained To Toddler As Person Acting Silly +Minnesota Police Say Officer Accidentally Discharged Weapon After Being Startled By Sight Of Gun In Own Hand +Biden Announces Gun Control Executive Actions +How To Deal With Common Dog Behavior Problems +Judge Asks If Chauvin Jury Minds Sticking Around For A Couple More Police Misconduct Trials +Nation’s Gimps Crawl On Washington Demanding Unfair Treatment +Cadet Studying For Police Academy Exam Just Skimming Over Deescalation Training He’ll Never Use In Real Life +Amazon Celebrates Union Defeat By Raising All Prices 150% Anyway +Devastated Woman Knows She’ll Never Be As Beautiful As Banff National Park +New Arkansas Bill Would Require Teen Residents To Keep Genitals On Full Display At All Times +Timeline Of Major Physics Discoveries +Poll Finds Americans Hate Being Trapped In Mazes +Woman Gives Birth To ‘Super Twins’ Conceived Weeks Apart +Colorado Temporarily Re-Bans Marijuana For Statewide Tolerance Break +Panthers Adopt Patchy-Haired, Shivering Rescue QB Who Spent Years Abused By Jets +Report: Huh, Interesting Choice For An Outfit Today +Relief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them +French Police Hunting International Lego Thieves +2021 Masters Offers Brief Respite To Viewers Who Barely Suffered From Pandemic +Chile Distributes Faulty Birth Control Pills +Rats Scramble To Hide Fully Functioning Amusement Park And Resort They Built As Workers Return To Office +Yahoo Answers Shutting Down +Arkansas Legislator Warns Loophole In New Law Could Still Allow Trans Youth To Exist +Draymond Green: ‘If WNBA Players Want To Get Paid, They Should Just Hitch Themselves To Once-In-A-Lifetime Shooters’ +17-Year-Old Asks Friend What It Means When Guy You Like Wants Blanket Pardon +More Companies Considering Hybrid Model Where Half Return To Office, Half Laid Off +Biden Unveils $4 Trillion Bill For Dinosaur Statues, Giant Twine Balls To Restore Nation’s Crumbling Highway Attractions +Influential Women In Politics Through History +Japan Sees Earliest Cherry Blossom Bloom In 1,200 Years +MLB Moves All-Star Game From Atlanta Over Voting Law +What’s Driving The Competitive Housing Market +GOP Oppose Infrastructure Bill With Uplifting Reminder It’s Okay To Be A Work In Progress +U.S. Criticized For Giving $1 Trillion To Military Contractor To Develop Hat That Didn’t Work +Tough: The New TMNT Game Follows A European Trip Where The Turtles Realize Their Fervent Italian-American Pride Has Little In Common With Modern Italian Life +Sophia Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Robot Artist Comes From Money +Generous Friend Willing To House-Sit For Nothing But Going Through Your Stuff +Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car +NCAA Men’s Title Game Begins With Moment Of Silence Honoring Regular Season Games Lost To Covid-19 +Tampa Wastewater Reservoir On Brink Of Collapse +Kellogg’s Condemns Georgia Voting Laws In Call To Overthrow Government With Absolute Cerealocracy +Biggest Games Of Spring 2021 +Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground +Report: Today Not One You Will Remember +Blake Griffin Delays Practice Once Again To Prove He Can Still Dunk Over Kia Optima +How To Lose Weight Fast +U.S. Military Accused Of Covering Up Hundreds Of Unexplained ELO Sightings +Russia Registers First Covid-19 Vaccine For Animals +Vaccine Dose Reminds Sedentary Man What Muscle Soreness Feels Like +Tinder Introducing Background-Check Feature +Matt Gaetz Claims Sex Trafficking Allegations Stem From Powerful Enemies In Ms. Bassman’s Geometry Class +Tostitos Apologizes For Phoning It In This Year +Pros And Cons Of Vaccine Passports +Billboard With Happy Family Inspires Estranged Dad To Almost Call Kids +Mom Remembers Old Days When You Could Let Kids Run Free On Thresher Without Supervision +Man Fined For Keeping Sharks In Basement Pool +New York Legalizes Marijuana +Serious Eats Criticized For Origins As Website To Rate Hotness Of Root Vegetables +MLB Opening Day 2021 Power Rankings: Top 12 +Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer’s Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders +New Gun Control Measure Would Put Firearms In Difficult-To-Open Hard Plastic Packaging +Biden Touted As Modern-Day FDR After Getting Hand Job From Cousin In Upstate New York +Man Living In Most Affluent Country In World History Has Nerve To Complain About Being Homeless +GOP Argues Government Shouldn’t Be Deciding Which Bridges Succeed Or Fail +Chauvin Defense Team Attempts To Demonize George Floyd By Tying Him To High-Profile 2020 Murder +Brood X Cicadas To Emerge After 17 Years Underground +Man Reminds Himself That Painful, Nauseating Side Effects Just Means That Triple Bacon Cheeseburger Working +Nation Pauses To Reflect On Heroic Sacrifices Of Will Smith’s Characters +Mario Golf Producer Defends Choice To Use CGI Likeness After Death Of Luigi +Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag +Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600 +University Names College Of Fine Arts After Chadwick Boseman +The Most Jaw-Dropping Quotes From The ‘Friends’ Reunion +CDC Warns Against Kissing, Snuggling Backyard Poultry +New Evidence Shows Fauci May Have Been Created In Chinese Lab +Frontier Airlines Reduces Fleet To One Large Agent Lifting And 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Cole After Listening To New Album +Jordan’s Game-Used Tongue Sold For $1.38 Million At Auction +History Of U.S. Politicians Being Punished By Their Own Party +Doctor Watches In Horror As Polyp Skitters In Front Of Colonoscopy Camera Just As Screen Goes Black +Rock & Rock Hall Of Fame Announces 2021 Inductees +Taco Bell Employee Has Had Far Greater Positive Impact On People’s Lives Than Firefighter Ever Could +‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again +Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account +GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post +No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It +Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer +Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’ +DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy +The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State +Sally Beauty 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Article Right There +‘It’s Him Or Me,’ Says Unhinged Aaron Rodgers Demanding Packers Fire Team Custodian +Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup +The Worst Tornadoes In U.S. History +Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire +Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce +Steve Ballmer Releases Statement Clarifying Marriage Has Never Been More Solid +Couple Worried Relationship Will Lose Spark Once They Move Into Leader’s Compound +Man Psyches Self Up To Watch Movie +Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home +Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator +Human Composting Could Soon Be Legal In Colorado +SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown +Easygoing Man Able To Take Whatever Sandwich Throws His Way +Amazing Deal Alert: Mrs. Ableman Just Put A Steaming Hot Copy Of ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ On Her Windowsill To Cool +U.S. Vows To Invade Next Country That Asks For Covid Vaccine IP +Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers +Fruit Fly Floating 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Water-Infused Spray That Allows Cockroaches To Be Baptized And Die As Christians +Whoa, Opposing Little League Team Has Last Names On Their Jerseys +Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over +Man Who Fathered 98 Children With 39 Women Dies +153 Hospital Employees Fired, Resign Over Covid-19 Vaccine Mandate +‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans, Rejoice! George R.R. Martin Confirmed That Halfway Through ‘Elden Ring’ His Writing Will Be Replaced By Dialogue Like ‘An Army Is Like A Hard Cock’ +Chicago Cubs Launch Charitable Initiative To Give Back To Overserved Communities +Subway CEO Apologizes For Trusting Fish Who Falsified Documents To Pass As Tuna +Beefy Gym Man Drinking From Gallon Water Jug Like Mythical Giant +Scientists Announce Successful Experiment To Bankrupt Mouse That Can’t Afford Cancer Drug +Worst Mistakes All Brides Make On Their Wedding Day +Infrastructure Talks Come To Halt After Giant Sinkhole Swallows Capitol Building +Why More Americans Are Putting Off Having Kids +First Transgender Athlete To Compete In Olympics +White House: U.S. To Miss July 4 Covid-19 Vaccination Goal +‘Stop! You Don’t Have To Do This!’ Whispers Tiny Voice In Head Of Man Clicking On Article About Michael B. Jordan’s Cultural Appropriation +Andrew Yang Picking Up A Few Souvenirs On Way Back Home From New York Visit +NYC Mayoral Primary Results Delayed Until Officials Finish Watching YouTube Explainer On Ranked Choice Voting +Nuclear Energy: Myth Vs. Fact +Report: Make It Stop +Band Remembers Back When They Used To Play Shows For 10 People Instead Of 4 People +ISS Apologizes After Excessive Power Usage Accidentally Shorts Out Galaxy +Sixers Fans Praise Ben Simmons For Embodying Philadelphia Spirit Of Half-Assing Job +Kids’ Shows That Actually Had Some Very Adult Story Lines +Matador Clearly Just Projecting Own Insecurities About Having Red Cloth Waved At Him +Nicaraguan Police Arrest 5th Presidential Candidate +Supreme Court Rules Against NCAA In Student Athlete Compensation Case +De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck Shit, Huh?’ +Andrew Yang Tries To Buy Banana From Voting Booth +911 Operator Likes To Let It Ring For Couple Seconds So Caller Doesn’t Get Impression They're Standing By Phone All Day +Experts Encourage Americans To Start Thinking About What Form Of Government They’d Like To Try After Democracy Crumbles +Conservative Man Tearfully Informs Family Critical Race Theory Has Spread To His Liver +Report: Pick +ESPN’s New MLB Analyst Just Guy Who Follows Jayson Stark On Twitter +Annoying Things Customers Do That Waiters Hate The Most +Cristiano Ronaldo Snub Causes $5 Billion Drop In Coca-Cola Market Value +Lobster Diver Survives Being Trapped In Whale’s Mouth +Area Couple Thinks They’re Pretty Fun +GOP Launches New Legislative Effort To Control Women’s Pancreases +Organized Crime Syndicate Condemned For History Of Nepotistic Hiring Practices +Most Shocking Reveals From The Keeping Up With The Kardashians Reunion +Bear’s Favorite Part Of Mauling Campers When They Throw Arms In Air To Look Bigger +Laid-Back Dad Just Wants New Pair Of Brandless Aviators He Got At Omaha Gas Station In 1993 For Father’s Day +Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows +Texas Congressman Suggests Altering Moon’s Orbit To Fight Climate Change +‘Loki’ Fan Loves How Show Contains So Many References To Loki +CEO Of Troubled Company Accepts Full Compensation For His Mistakes +Scorching Heat Wave Causes Unsightly Blisters To Bubble Up Across Southwest +New MLB.TV Ad Campaign Reminds Subscribers They Can Share Log-In Info With Whoever They Want +Shopper Struggling To Find Father’s Day Card That Doesn’t Use Word ‘Love’ +Tesla Blames User Error For Car Sealing Off Windows, Suffocating Owner Alive +Guy Who Took Job Making Barrels In 1400s Didn’t Mean For That To Become Family’s Identity For Next 25 Generations +Used Car Prices Soar After The Old Girl Makes It To Yellowstone Without Breaking Down Once +Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday +Vacationing Steph Curry Absolutely Gnawing On Snorkel +Huge Milestone: Bethesda’s New Role-Playing Game ‘Starfield’ Will Be The First Video Game Set In Space +Celebrities You Never Knew Went To Jail +Norwegian Cruise Line Introduces ‘Now Or Never’ Tour Of The Arctic +The Most Legendary Sportscasters Of All Time +Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation +Banned Olympic Runner Claims Burrito Caused Positive Steroid Test +Girl Scouts Have Millions Of Unsold Cookies +Domino’s Officially Reopens Single Pathetic Little Booth For Dine-In Orders +Senate Votes To Make Juneteenth Federal Holiday So Long As No One Thinks Too Hard About Its Significance +‘You’re Going To Want To Take 3 Quick Lefts’ Says Passenger Expertly Hiding That He Fucked Up Directions +What To Know About Trump’s Justice Department Seeking Info On His Enemies +Nation Begrudgingly Agrees To Learn Devin Booker’s Name +Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting +5th Ocean Added To World Map +Tide Introduces New Ink Pen For Creating Stains On The Go +Highlights of E3 2021 +High Society Gonna Fucking Snap If Playwright Says One More Thing About Their Foibles +New School Curriculum Just 6 Straight Hours Of Staring Slack-Jawed At American Flag +10,000 Volunteers Quit Tokyo Olympic Games +Man Takes Solace In Fact That World’s Oldest Person Didn’t Become Notable Until Age 112 +Incredible Ways To Turn Your Backyard Into A Summer Oasis +Biologists Confirm Penguins Totally Holding It Down On The South Pole +Retired Nun Embezzles $835,000 To Fund Gambling Habit +E3 Shocker: Nintendo Has Announced That ‘Breath Of The Wild 2’ Will Get Back To The Company’s Roots And Be A Vacuum +Old Vegetarian Rambling On About Days When Menus Only Had One Non-Meat Option +Under Armour Launches New Workout Attire For Women Evading Men Who Wear Under Armour +Uber Promises They’re Taking Every Fucked-Up Step They Can To Decrease Ride Fees +Doctor Not Going To Ruin Woman’s Day By Telling Her She Pregnant +Israel’s Parliament Ousts Netanyahu +World’s Biggest ‘Avatar’ Fan Couldn’t Be More Excited About ‘Frontiers Of Pandora’ Announcement +Man Credits Great Kissing Skills To Growing Up With Lots Of Sisters +Disturbing Facts Disney Would Never Want You To Know About Their Theme Parks +Senate Passes $50 Billion Bill To Combat Chinese Influence By Developing Own Pandas +El Salvador First Country To Make 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Microsoft Just Claimed That Xbox Is Better Than Playstation +Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated +HR Improves Company Morale By Giving Employees Constant Stream Of Dumbass Bullshit To Mock +Psychiatrists Recommend Serial Killers Get Out Feelings With Taunting Letter To Investigators That They Never Send +Over 2 Million Left Brain-Dead In Most Brutal Day Of Culture Wars Yet +Former High School Classmates Hold Summit At Local Bar To Resume Multilateral Shit Talks +Thrilled BlackRock Announces Purchase Of 800,000th Dream Home +Environmentalism Win: For Every PS5 Sold, Sony Will Plant A PS4 In The Amazon Rainforest +Most Shocking UFO Sightings Throughout History +Tips For Writing A Graduation Speech +Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record +E3 Fans Will Love This: The G7 Summit +Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey +U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally +Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps +Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings +Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out +Judge Overturns Assault Weapons Ban, Likens AR-15 To Swiss Army Knife +An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well +Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud +White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine +Benihana Asks Diners To Surrender Their Phones So Everyone Can Be In The Moment During Onion Volcano +Former Child Stars Describe Growing Up In The Industry +Desperate Employer Offers Basic Dignity To Incentivize New Hires +Feds Recover $2 Million From Pipeline Ransomware Hackers +Children’s Museum Docent Reminds Guests Not To Touch The Kids +Report: Easiest Path To U.S. Visa Still Signing with Dallas Mavericks +The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory +Arizona To Use Auschwitz Gas On Death Row +Woman’s Anecdote About Boyfriend Getting Annoyed Undercut By Widespread Knowledge Of His Anger Issues +Theater Company’s Fundraising Email More Tragic Than Any Play It’s Ever Produced +Jeff Bezos Going To Space +Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community +Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes +The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak +Experts Warn Climate-Related Food Shortages May Require Bugs To Overcome Taboos Against Eating Americans +Powerful Rush Of Shame Consumes Man As Server Flips Over Menu To Reveal Drink List +United Plans Supersonic Flights By 2029 +Most Anticipated E3 Announcements +Revolutionary New Driverless Car Requires Zero Functional Technology To Generate Profit +Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Birth Of Second Child +Woman Unnerved By Group Of Guys Standing Around When She’s Just Trying To Gentrify The Street +American Public Commended For Lasting 8 Rounds With Logan Paul +Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge +Blockbuster Movies You Never Knew Were Actually Remakes +Stephen A. Smith Blasts Anthony Davis For Refusing To Play Through Groin Surgery +Spencer Rattler Takes Pay Cut To Help Sooners Recruit Better Players +US Troops Accidentally Storm Bulgarian Sunflower Oil Factory +Sight Of Man Getting Hit By Bus Less Funny Than Movies Make It Seem +Conclusive Series Of Diagnostic Tests Determines Lump On Man’s Neck Fun To Poke +Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips +Texas Valedictorian Goes Off-Script To Condemn State’s Abortion Ban +Kyrsten Sinema Defends Senate Filibuster As Necessary For Her To Stay Politically Relevant +All The Biggest Changes To ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake Intergrade’ +‘Fortnite’ Mobile Fans Will Hate This: Apple Says That In Balancing Equities Between The Parties, The Court Must Weigh The Effect Of Different Harms To Both Parties, At Its Own Discretion +‘The Time Is Running Out To Reach An Infrastructure Deal,’ Reports Pundit Speeding To Outpace Highway Crumbling Behind Him +L.A. Mayor Prevents His Kid From Lazing About By Installing Spikes On Family Couch +Trump Shuts Down Blog Due To Low Readership +Vinyl Wood Floor Transports Woman From Supermarket Into Bazaar Of Epicurean Delights +Trump Forced To Shut Down Blog After Publishing Hulk Hogan Sex Tape +Best Covid Vaccination Giveaways +Congress Takes Field Trip To Goldman Sachs To Learn How Laws Get Made +Homeowner Shoos Away Feral Driverless Car Rooting Around Garage +Nashville Hat Shop Apologizes For ‘Not Vaccinated’ Yellow Star Of David +Ron Artest Lands Consulting Role Teaching NBA Players How To Defend Selves From Rowdy Fans +The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline +Man Exiting Store While Alarm Sounds Makes Big Show Of Looking Surprised To Appear Innocent +Covid-19 Variants Given Greek Alphabet Names To Avoid Stigma +Texas Governor Threatens No Pay After Democrats Block Voter Restrictions +Naomi Osaka Withdraws From French Open For Opponents’ Mental Health +Aspiring Tennis Player Informed She 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Players On What They Love Most About Baseball +DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant +Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win +Simone Biles Withdraws From Olympics Citing Mental Health +CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks +NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges +Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days +Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever +‘How The Hell Did Such A Weird Sport Get In The Olympics?’ Says Man Watching Golf +Pros And Cons Of Requiring Covid Vaccinations +24,000-Year-Old Microbes Found Surviving In Permafrost +Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why +Marlboro Maker Could Stop Selling Cigarettes In Britain Within 10 Years +‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire +Spencer Gifts Informs Customers You Can Just Assume All Its Employees Are Unvaccinated +BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior +Nervous Olympic Athlete Trying Not To Break Down Under Pressure Of 4 People Watching +Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse +Millions Of Unvaccinated Teens To Head Back To School +Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much +Cleveland Renames Baseball Team ‘Guardians’ After Backlash +‘That’s So They Can’t Have Sex?’ Asks Confused Olympics Viewer Staring At Volleyball Net +Olympics Under Fire For Human Rights Violations After Forcing Athletes To Exert Themselves +Celebrities Describe The Worst Parts Of Being Famous +Olympic Mascot Explains For Hundredth Time He All Out Of Clean Urine +Scam Experts Advise Americans That IRS Will Never Try To Contact You From Beyond Earthly Realm +Alexa Introduces Masculine-Sounding Voice Option 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A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin +Dozens Of Athletes Incinerated After Being Attracted To Sight Of Glowing Olympic Flame +U.S. Life Expectancy Sees Biggest Drop Since WWII +Patrolling West Bank Just Not Same Without Big Cone Of Chunky Monkey In Hand +Signs Your Significant Other Might Be Cheating On You +Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose +A Timeline Of U.S.–Haiti Relations +Men’s Spending Habits Result In More Carbon Emissions Than Women’s +Opening Ceremony Depicts Olympics’ Time-Honored Tradition Of Destroying Local Communities +Tensions Escalate As Israel Closes Embassy Inside Ben & Jerry’s Factory +Olympic Organizers Fire Lead Choreographer Bashar Al-Assad After Use Of Chemical Weapons Comes To Light +Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee +Johnson & Johnson, Drug Distributors Reach $26 Billion Deal To End Opioid Lawsuits +NASA Returns To Home Planet After Completing Mission On Earth +International Olympians Describe Their Biggest Obstacles +Disgusting: This Gamer Isn’t Even Washing His Controller After Each Button Press +American Medical Debt Bigger Than Previously Known +Woman Can Always Tell Period Coming By Way Doors Slam Shut, Lights Flicker +Man Doubts Whether Cousin Really Had New Baby After Learning About It On Facebook +‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue Features Trans Cover Model For First Time +Sprinter Blames Positive Covid Test On Nutritional Supplement She Didn’t Realize Contained Coronavirus +At Long Last: Tetsuya Nomura Has Finally Revealed That Braising Is The Best Method For Cooking A Chocobo +How Organizers Plan To Keep The Tokyo Olympics Safe +The Strangest New Dating Shows On TV +Nation Agrees That Despite Our Differences Americans Still Make Some Good-Lookin’ Corn +Google Maps Accused Of Suggesting Potentially Fatal Hiking Routes +U.S. Olympians Describe What 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Astros Fan Can’t Believe Gun Sales Cut Off After Seventh Inning +Johnson & Johnson Recalls Aerosol Sunscreens After Finding Carcinogen +Chobani Recalls Thousands Of Yogurts That Gave People Yogurt +Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes +Olivia Rodrigo Works With White House To Encourage Youth Vaccinations +Ms. Pac-Man Can Already Tell Guy At Helm Drunk As Fuck +Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps +NASA: Moon ‘Wobble’ To Cause Coastal Flooding Surge By 2030s +NordicTrack Recreates Outdoor Running Experience With Treadmill Covered In Dog Shit +What’s In The New EU Climate Change Plan +Panicked Man Wondering If There Something He Doesn’t Know After Child Tax Credit Hits Bank Account +Popeyes Originalist Decries Nuggets As Stain On Founder’s Vision +Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth +Senate Democrats Unveil Proposal To Federally Decriminalize Marijuana +6-Year-Old Debating Whether To See ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’ Following Negative ‘New York Times’ Review +We’re Feeling Charitable Today, So What The Hell: Anyone Who Has A Smart Fridge Is A Gamer +Americans Who Still Haven’t Made Up Their Mind Gather In Massive Demonstration To Express Ambivalence +Pet Goldfish Being Dumped In Lakes Threatening Ecosystems +God Regrets Never Learning Spanish +Wildlife Officials Restock Lake By Dropping Thousands Of Fishermen From Plane +Conor McGregor Undergoes 3 Hours Of Surgery To Repair Fractured Ego +Inflation Hits 13-Year High +Centers For Disease Control Lets Smallpox And Rinderpest Viruses Out For Daily Hour Of Exercise +Company Struggling To Find Diverse Leadership Candidates Among CEO’s Golf Buddies +Gate Attendant Offers Richard Branson Hotel Voucher After Virgin Galactic Flight Fully Booked +The Greatest NBA Finals Performances Of All Time +MSNBC Turns 25 +Area Scrotum Not In Big Hurry To Peel Itself Away From Leg +Engagement Ring Sales Skyrocketing As U.S. Recovers From Covid-19 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Reason To Abandon Nest +Trump Suing Twitter, Facebook, Google Over ‘Censorship’ +Park Ranger Rescues Bear That Wandered Off The Trail +Most Horrifying Things Airlines Do To Keep Their Prices Down +Tokyo Olympics Bans Spectators After State Of Emergency Declared +Dad Just Found Out About That WrestleMania XV Pay-Per-View Charge +The Onion’s Guide To Starting A Sneaker Collection +Everyone On Camping Trip Just Gets Out Of Way While Friend Who Knows What He’s Doing Takes Care Of Everything +NYPD Unveils New ‘Game Truck’ To Connect With Community +Tokyo Olympics To Prevent Covid Spread By Restricting Events To Short Outdoor Walks +Freak Actually Knows How Big An Acre Is +Rupert Murdoch To Launch Fox Weather Channel +Starstruck Man Can’t Think Of Anything To Say To Cruise Ship Hypnotist In Breakfast Buffet Line +Bummer: Bowser Is Sending Bowser Jr. To Military School After He Got His High School Girlfriend Pregnant +Friends, Family Worried Rock-Bottom Scottie Pippen Will End Up With Own ESPN Morning Show +California Employees Hesitant About Returning To Office Currently On Fire +Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café +Haiti Faces Constitutional Crisis After Assassinated President Refuses To Step Down +Rachel Nichols Insists She Would Win Finals MVP If Not For Diversity Hires On Suns, Bucks +Things Every Child Who Grew Up With Divorced Parents Will Understand +Study: 4-Day Work Week Doesn’t Hurt Productivity +Child Being Teased About Having Crush Angrily Asserts He Incapable Of Love +Discounted Fireworks Savings Put Toward Funeral Expenses +Woman Sporting Sandal Tan Must Have Just Returned From Weekend Aboard $35 Million Yacht Off Coast Of Ibiza +Ron DeSantis Requires Florida Residents To Reinforce Bones With Steel, Concrete +Bezos Steps Down As Amazon CEO +21 Million Floridians Evacuated After State Deemed Structurally Unsound +Joey Chestnut Breaks Own Hot Dog Eating Record +Study: ‘Truly Being Seen’ Still Ranks Among Worst Possible Experiences In Human Existence 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Drops U.S. From List Of Covid-Safe Countries For Travel +Final U.S. Soldiers In Afghanistan Do Some Last-Second Nation-Building On Way To Plane +Best Ways To Keep A Spark In A Long-Distance Relationship +Insecure Package Can’t Believe Delivery Guy Shared Photo Where It Looks Like Shit +First ‘Murder Hornet’ Nest Of 2021 Destroyed +U.S. Airstrike Sends Tough Message To 4-Year-Old Afghans Not To Mess With America +Report: Virtual Reality Still No Closer To Allowing Users To Make Out With Abraham Lincoln +Elizabeth Holmes Arrives To Trial With Prototype For Black Box That Will Prove Her Innocence +TikTok Bans ‘Milk Crate Challenge’ +That Was Scary: We Just Totally Freaked Ourselves Out Imagining Darth Maul Riding A Yoshi +New VA Initiative Helps Get Homeless Veterans Into Bigger Tents +MTA Returns Rider’s $2.75 Fare After Unsatisfactory Subway Experience +Belgian Woman Banned From Zoo After 4-Year ‘Affair’ With Chimp +Bullshit Alternative Medical Procedures You Should Never Have Done +Poll Finds 65% Of U.S. Workers Actively Searching For New Job +Nation Stunned That 20-Year Catastrophe Could End So Catastrophically +Nation’s Stage Managers Announce 5 Minutes To Places +DeSantis Locks Down Florida After Spread Of Covid Vaccination Gets Out Of Hand +Report: Click On Some Ads Around This Article And We’ll Split The Loot 60/40 +What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids +Wedding Has Photo Booth To Document Precious Joy Of Escaping Party +Timeline Of The New ‘Jeopardy’ Host Debacle +Blackwater Founder Charging $6.5K To Fly People Out Of Afghanistan +Naked ‘Nevermind’ Baby Sues Nirvana For ‘Child Pornography’ +Apologetic Nurse Informs Man Having Heart Attack There’s About An Hour Wait Until Next Covid Patient Dies +Charlie Watts Confused After Running Into Keith Richards In The Afterlife +Common Job Interview Questions That Are Actually Illegal +Man Way Too Deep Into Fantasy League To Ask What ‘PPR’ Means Now +Humanitarian Organization ‘Doctors Without Dimensions’ Phases Into War-Torn Nonlinear Universe +Airbnb To Provide Temporary Housing For 20,000 Afghan Refugees +Exciting News, Gamers: The Vengeful Nobleman We’re Always Mocking Has Invited Us To Try A Rare Video Game In The Catacombs Of His Estate +Vaccine Skeptic Does Own Research By Enrolling 45,000 Friends In Double-Blind Clinical Trial +Kathy Hochul Becomes First Female Governor Of New York +Medical Experts Hopeful That Gene Editing Will Soon Allow Sick Kids To Have Super Weird Pets +Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains +The Onion’s Guide To ASMR +Signs Your Boss Might Actually Hate You +School Offers Parents $700 To Drive Kids Due To Bus Driver Shortage +Breaking: You Have Reached Your Free Article Limit +Trump Booed At Rally After Telling Crowd To Get Vaccinated +Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other +CIA Begrudgingly Impressed By How Well They Trained Future Taliban Members In 1980s +Hard To Watch: Thwomp Is Throwing A Fit After Realizing He’s Not A Big Enough ‘Mario’ Enemy To Get A Walk-In Table At The French Laundry +Things You Should Never Say If You’re Accused Of A Crime +Astonished Friends Listen In Rapt Enjoyment As Man Recounts Plot Of Movie He Watched Over Weekend +Report: Loneliness Most Common Amongst Americans No One Wants To Be Around +OnlyFans To Ban Sexually Explicit Videos +CDC Warns Going Unvaccinated Not Worth Risk Of Losing Ability To Taste Wings +‘Let’s Take It To Our Afghanistan Experts,’ Says Anchor Throwing To Panel Of Dick Cheneys +Report: The Moon, It’s Getting Closer! 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Bush Spends Sleepless Night Wondering If He To Blame For Long-Term Collapse Of Texas Rangers +New Zealand Enters Lockdown After Single Covid Case Discovered +Disappointed Taliban Realizes Taking Over Afghanistan More Fun Than Running It +Show-And-Tell Marred By Every Child Bringing Ashes Of Relative Who Died Of Covid +Switch Killer? Microsoft Just Unveiled A 40-Foot Extension Cord For The Xbox +The Most Shocking Celebrity Memoirs +Food Stamp Benefits Receive Largest Increase In History +Man Passing Through Small Town Whips Out Dating App To Gawk At Local Freaks +Art Museum Guard Bravely Throws Body In Front Of Camera Flash +Historical Evidence Suggests Boston Strangler Too Chickenshit To Strangle In A Real City Like New York +Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink +Biden Disappointed After Waking Up To Discover Taliban Still There +Haiti Rocked By 7.2 Magnitude Earthquake +Defeated Man Too Tired To Fight New $14.99 Fee On Phone Bill +Questions You Should 100% Ask Your Partner Before Getting Married +Production Delays Cause Film Reboot To Reach Theaters Before Original +Things Every Teacher Returning This Fall Is Dreading +Critics Warn Withdrawal From Afghanistan Paints Entirely Accurate Picture Of U.S. Government +Census Finds U.S. More Diverse Than Ever +Withdrawal From Afghanistan Ends Longest Media Farce In U.S. History +Afghanistan Falls To Taliban Couple Hours Earlier Than Expected +Taliban Recaptures Afghanistan +Excited Taliban Fighter Buys Extra Copy Of ‘New York Times’ To Frame +Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It +New Disney Star Wars Hotel To Cost $6,000 For 2-Night Stay +Slice Of Charles And Diana’s 1981 Wedding Cake Auctioned For $2500 +More Cities Requiring Residents To Root Around In Bag For Vaccine Card Until Bartender Feels Bad And Caves +Scientist Really Thought Job Would Be Less Grant Writing And More Glow-In-The-Dark Lizard Making +New Dad Loves Getting To Re-Experience Some Of His Favorite Animal Noises With Kids +Panicked Danny DeVito Runs Out Of Anti-Growth Serum That Keeps Him Under 5 Feet +Professional Athletes’ Opinions On The Covid-19 Vaccine +Study Finds No Greater Sign Of Delusion Than Sending Coworkers Your Personal Email On Last Day +West Virginia College To Charge Unvaccinated Students $750 +Man Moving To Pacific Northwest Shopping Around For Nice Fire-Resistant Jacket +Tips For Buying New Furniture +Disgusting Things Every New Parent Immediately Gets Used To +Jimmy Wales Glances Up To Realize He Got Sucked Into Wikipedia Rabbit Hole For 20 Years +Dog Frustrated After Jameis Winston Sails Tennis Ball 5 Feet Over Head +‘Jeopardy!’ Names Show Producer Mike Richards, Mayim Bialik As New Hosts +Desperate California Homebuyers Locked In Bidding War Over Charred Remains Of Ranch House +Video Game Character Reckoning With Privilege Of Dropping Near Tactical Shotgun +​​Report Finds CEO Pay Has Soared 1,322% Since 1978 +Toddler Cites Freedom Of Choice In Refusal To Use Potty +Hidden Environmental Impact Behind Everyday Products +Pros And Cons Of True-Crime Media +‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo +Senate Passes Bipartisan $1.2 Trillion Infrastructure Bill +MLB Hoping Barstool Sports Partnership Will Restore Baseball’s Stature As Nationalist Pastime +Nation’s Houseplants Confirm Pots Are Their Pants +Apple To Scan iPhones For Child Pornography +Bullshit Antique China Doesn’t Even Say If It Microwave Safe +Queen Elizabeth Scolds Prince Andrew For Having Sex With Minors Outside Of Royal Bloodline +Cuomo Scandal A Somber Reminder That Leaders Bad At Job Can Have Dark Side Too +Cuomo Apologizes For Role In Hiring So Many Crazy Liars Who Sabotaged His Political Career +The Onion Looks Back On New York’s Greatest Champion Of Immorality +Pentagon To Require Covid Vaccines For Active-Duty Troops +‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU +‘Maybe I Should Take Up Kayaking,’ Reports Last Flickering Ember Of Man’s Interest In Personal Growth +Astronomers Announce God’s Penis Will Be Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia +Cowboys Sign Young 70-Year-Old Backup To Compete With Jerry Jones For Owner Job +Ugh, Here We 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Dinner Party Wishes She Were Grown Up Enough To Follow Adult Discussion Of ‘Loki’ +Ugliest Band Breakups Of All Time +Man’s Most Lasting Contribution To Society Uploading 5-Second ‘Nutty Professor’ Clip To YouTube +Common Medical Procedures And What They Cost Around The World +FAA Asks Airports To Not Allow Carry-On Booze On Flights +Man In Splashy Floral Print Wastes Everyone’s Time By Not Having Any Drugs On Him +‘I Can’t Believe We Pulled It Off,’ Says Olympics Organizer Standing In Charred Crater Where Tokyo Once Was +New Ford F-450 Promises To Make Driver Look Ever So Tiny +Rihanna Officially A Billionaire +U.S. Ranked Last In Healthcare Rankings Of High-Income Countries +Skunk Forced To Bluff Way Through Encounter With Dog After Realizing There’s Nothing Left In Chamber +Frustrated Customer At HBO’s ‘The Shop’ Waiting Hours For Haircut While LeBron Talks About 2016 Finals +Kanye West Releases New Album As Hot Fudge Sundae To First Thousand People In Mercedes Benz Stadium +‘You’re 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Anymore +Billie Eilish, Lizzo Win Big At 62nd Annual Grammys +Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit +Excitement Builds Around New PlayStation After Leaked Images May Show Your Long-Lost Father Holding A PS5 +Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’ +CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus +Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony +Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys +Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To +China Locks Down 6 Cities To Combat Coronavirus +Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election +Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues +The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions +Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is +Doomsday Clock Set To 100 Seconds To Midnight +Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child +Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father +Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean +Judge Denies Dismissal Of Lewdness Charges For Woman Found Topless In Own Home +Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can +‘Kingdom Hearts III’ DLC Developers Panicking After Realizing ‘Shrek’ Not Owned By Disney +U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge +New Comcast Bundle Deal Includes 24/7 Live-In Technical Support +Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct +Kellyanne Conway Suggests MLK Would Have Opposed Trump Impeachment +Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial +Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land +Hillary Clinton Attacks Bernie Sanders In New Interview +PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content +God Stumbles On Old, Beat-Up Planet That He Carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ All Over +Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment Trial +‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break +The Boeing 747 Turns 50 +Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic Nomination +Greta Thunberg Speaks On Climate At Davos 2020 +Impatient Man Forced To Wait To Have Sex Until Wife Finished Giving Birth +First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring +Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden +‘Times’ Gives Klobuchar, Warren 2020 Endorsement +Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman +Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists +Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did +Real-Life ‘Katamari’! This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit +Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World +‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk +TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip +Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her Parents Would Definitely Cough Up Enough For A Marvel 3-In-1 Arcade Machine To Get Her Back +Female James Bond Ruled Out By Series Producer +Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane +Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces +Grindr, Tinder Sharing User Data With Third Party +Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now +Senators Sworn In As Impeachment Trial Begins +Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders +Impressive ‘Super Smash Brothers’ Purist Only Plays Original SNES Or NES Game Each Character From +History Of The U.S. Census +NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham +Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There +CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism +Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador +2019 Second-Hottest Year On Record +CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone +Study Estimates Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obese By 2030 +Human Trafficker Not Getting Any Traction On This One +Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help +House To Send Impeachment Articles To Senate +Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing +Democrats Attend Last Debate Before Start Of Voting +Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band +Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism +Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions +Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders +Top 10 Things To Do In New York City +Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors +CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage +CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System +CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate +Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love +Queen Elizabeth II Allows Prince Harry, Meghan Markle To Split Time Between U.K., Canada +Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum +Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Race +Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction +Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want +American Cancer Society Reports Largest-Ever Drop In Cancer Rates +Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference +Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life +Report: Under One-Third Of Iowa, New Hampshire Voters Settled On Candidate +Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy +God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95 +Relationship Experts Urge You Not To Cheat On Significant Other Even Though Sex Will Feel Amazing And They Never Have To Know +U.S. Plagued By Widespread Website Crashes After Mouse Gets Into Internet +Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done +Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns +Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much As He Did +Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die +Dumb Tourists In Paris Gawking At Splendor Of Greatest Architectural Feats In Human History +Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism +Truffle Oil Embarrassed To Be Working With Low-Class Ingredients On Loaded Fries +Cat Treat Package Going On About Delicious, Creamy Center Too Much Not To Be Marketing To Humans +Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun +Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday +About ‘The Topical’ +Olympic Committee Announces Tokyo Games Will Still Go On As Planned Because True Athletes Embrace Every Obstacle That Comes Their Way +Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog +Man Annoyed He No Longer Even Able To Go To Wuhan To Eat Bats Without Mom Freaking Out +NFL Draft Prospect Sets Combine Record By Scrubbing Entire Social Media Presence In 17.64 Seconds +Marine Corps Orders Removal Of Confederate Symbols From All Bases +Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious +Obama Kind Of Hurt No One’s Even Asked For His Endorsement +Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy +Child Doing Stations Of The Cross Reflects On Boredom Christ Must Have Felt During Crucifixion +Scotland Set To Become First Country To Provide Free Menstrual Products To All Women +‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC +CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad +‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months +Maria Sharapova Retires From Tennis +‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day +Timberwolves Fire Clerk On Accounts Receivable Team In First Step Towards Turning Franchise Around +Man Doesn’t Mind Long Commute Because It Gives Him Extra Time To Listen To Voice In Head Saying He Can’t Keep Living Like This +‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes +Candidates Struggle To Answer Question About Future Of Granite Countertops During HGTV Town Hall +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +CDC Warns Of U.S. Coronavirus Outbreak +Greatest Video Game Weapons Of All Time +CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels +Effects Of The #MeToo Movement +Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own +Actor Hank Azaria To Stop Voicing Apu On ‘The Simpsons’ +Sanders Supporter Sick Of Movement Being Defined By Small Number Of Toxic Members Like Him +Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States +Driver Enraged At Rider Who Threw Up In Ambulance +Neurosurgeon Feels Lucky He Was Able To Turn Hobby Into Career +‘I’m Free, I’m Finally Free!’ Thinks Parent Before Realizing Lost Child Just Hiding Inside Clothes Rack +Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again +Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage +Netflix Adds ‘Top 10’ List Featuring Most Popular Shows +Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump +Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park +Idiotic Squirrel With Acorn Runs Away From Man As If He Doesn’t Get To Eat All The Nuts He Wants +Harvey Weinstein Found Guilty +Reform ‘Fifty Shades’ Reader Doesn’t Think Christian And Ana Literally Indulged In Bladder Control Fetish, But Derives Meaning From Story Nonetheless +Nation’s Men Stunned To Realize Sexual Harassment Problem May Go As Far Back As 1990 +So-Called ‘Flash Sale’ May Have Been Strategized Weeks In Advance +Scientists Use Artificial Intelligence To Discover New Antibiotics +Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets +Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment +Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest +Trump Visits India +Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus +U.S. Unveils Plan For Rest Of World To Become Carbon-Neutral By 2030 +Smithsonian Museum Celebrates Black Alternate History Month With Full-Scale Recreation Of W.E.B. 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White House +Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow +Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch +Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day +A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal +Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters +Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza +BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050 +God Announces Major Overhaul Of Procreation Process For 2021 +Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture +The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time +Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race +Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes +CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear +Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’ +Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 +‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results +‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval +Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die +Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate +Resigned Nutritionists Now Recommend Eating 3 Servings A Day Of Mice Or Bark Or Whatever +FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam +Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries +Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours +Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary +CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His Greatest Creation +Moderates Worry Klobuchar Splitting People-Who-Will-Vote-For-Anybody Vote +Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie +Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy +Emergency Room Staff Assures Parents That Burger King Chicken Fries Will Pass Naturally Through Child’s System +University Of Colorado To Offer Degree In Marijuana +Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’ +‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road +Flustered New Hampshire Bed And Breakfast Host Informs Biden, Sanders, Buttigieg, Warren, Klobuchar They’re All Booked For Same Room +Website Offers Porn To Passengers Trapped On Quarantined Cruise Ship +Poll Finds Bloomberg Trailing Among Young Black Males He’s Already Thrown In Prison +Man Calms Down From Violent Rage After Seeing ‘Or Current Resident’ On Misaddressed Letter +Fertility Clinic Employee Asks Couple If They’d Like To Play With Sperm Out Back And Get To Know It Better +NASA Launches Really Nice Nikon DSLR Camera Strapped To Rocket To Gather Photos Of Sun +Trump Fires Officials Who Testified In Impeachment Inquiry +‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief +Oscars Ceremony Ruined +Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That +‘Parasite’ Wins Best Picture At 92nd Oscars +Man Crippled By Fear Of Failure As If It Hadn’t Already Happened +2020 Race Upended After New Poll Finds Trump, Democrats Trailing Mysterious Rune-Covered Obelisk By 80 Points +Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue +Study Finds Dating Apps Most Effective Way To Find Everyone Your Age Apparently Kayaking Now +Mom Still Seething Over Car That Blew Through Stop Sign 15 Years Ago +Study Finds Leading Cause Of Childhood Obesity Witches Fattening Up Children To Be Eaten +‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech 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Period Is +Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou Also Received It +Buttigieg, Sanders Locked In Battle For Iowa +Embarrassed Ben Simmons Retracts Criticism Of Sixers After Remembering He On Team +The 6 Best Companies To Work For +Corporate Lawyer Achieves Career Masterpiece With McDonald’s Monopoly Contest Rules +‘The Sims’ Turns 20 +Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other +The EPA Takes A Stand +DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results +Disney Buys ‘Hamilton’ Film Rights For $75 Million +DNC Blames Iowa Caucus Problems On Single Fuck-Up Senior Citizen Volunteer +Report: Majority Of Americans Would Jump At Chance To Rip Off Shirt And Use It As Tourniquet +Punxsutawney Phil Fails To See Shadow Symbolizing Early Spring +Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly +A New Democratic Frontrunner 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Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party +Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment +Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket +‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Desperate For Any Human Company +Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plastic +House Votes To Repeal 2002 Military Authorization +Van Gogh Painting Stolen On Painter’s 167th Birthday +12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens +CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices +Perseverance Rover Will Carry Essays, List Of Names To Mars +Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic +New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy +How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube +Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness +Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’ +Employee Proves Diligence By Arriving To Video Conference Call Extra Hour Early Every Morning +Man Watching Space Force Rocket Launch Gazes In Awe At The Power Of Human Stupidity +CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic +‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While +Neanderthals Ate Seafood Including Sharks And Dolphins +Instacart Employees Plan Nationwide Strike Monday +New Report Finds Americans Willing To Trust Scientific Knowledge Of Anyone Holding Glass Beaker Up To Light +Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination +New Unhinged PETA Ad Warns That Once You Put Googly Eyes On A Banana, Eating It Is Murder +8 Photos Of You, The Reader +Amazon Announces Unlimited Time Off, Increased Health Benefits For All Warehouse Robots +Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life +Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators +Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants +Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management +What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill +Americans Look For Ways To Help During Coronavirus Pandemic +20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future +Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet +Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic +Miss E3? 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Dropped By Original Publisher +Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy +Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020 +CDC Launches Coronavirus Bot For Americans To Check Symptoms +Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work +Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing +6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun +GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go +God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass +Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President +Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week +Ohio Orders Halt To Most Abortions During Coronavirus Pandemic +Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse +Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work +Americans Seek To Stay Social While Self-Isolating +Dog Not Sure How To Interpret Crazy Dream Where It Saw Squirrel, Barked At Squirrel +OGN’s Best Games To Play During The Coronavirus Quarantine +Disturbing New Study Finds American 5th-Graders Only Absorbing Targeted Advertisements At 1st-Grade Level +10 Things Your Parents Were Right About +NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid +Aquarium Lets Penguins Take Tour Of Premises During Coronavirus Shutdown +Experts Warn Americans Could Still Be Dealing With Coronavirus As Late As Tomorrow Afternoon +Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers +Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies +Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores +TV Shows Donate Medical Supplies To Hospitals Amid Pandemic +Hospital Holding Back Extra Coronavirus Test Kit In Case Josh Duhamel Needs One +The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing +Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country +8 Unlikely Animal Friendships +‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared +Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die +Google Offers Virtual Tours Of World’s Museums And Cultural Sites +Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near +Tik-Tok May Have Buried Posts From Ugly Users +Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American +Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends +Woman Annoyed Cat Would Rather Play With Hair Tie Than Expensive Gaming Console She Bought It +6 Startling Before And After Photos Of Meth Users +Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem +Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors +Huge Announcement: Sony Just Revealed The PS5 Can Function As A Makeshift Gravestone To Mark The Site Of Your Shallow Burial +Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist +Amazon Hires 100,000 Workers In Wake Of Coronavirus Surge +Tom Brady Leaves New England Patriots +Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water +Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks +Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists +Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day +Conservative Worries Relief Checks Would Discourage Americans From Providing For Selves By Killing Him And Taking His Property +10 Most OMG Adorable Animals +Timeline Of Trump Administration’s Response To Coronavirus +Universal Pictures Makes Movies Currently In Theaters Available For Home Viewing Following Coronavirus Concerns +Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks +Kansas Basketball Devastated They Won’t Get Opportunity To Vacate National Championship +Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough +Nation’s 108 Million Service Industry Workers Assure Public That Job Is Just Way To Stay Busy After Winning Lottery Years Ago +Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker? +Americans Mark St. Patrick’s Day +Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands Next To His Husky Son Playing A Nintendo DS +Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry +Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway +Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death +Americans Urged To Help ‘Flatten The Curve’ Of Covid-19 Pandemic +Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time +Biden, Sanders Go Head-To-Head In Debate +Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining +Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closure Of All Orifices +10 Crazy Optical Illusions +Divorced Mom At Point In Life Where She Figures She Might As Well Start Writing Erotic Letters To Men In Prison +Rob Gronkowski Signs Deal With World Wrestling Entertainment +An Alarming Crime Scene In New England +Trump Advises Americans Worried About Coronavirus To Just Get Doctor Who Always Tells Them They In Perfect Health +College, Professional Sports Seasons Postponed And Suspended Following Coronavirus Fears +Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits +Frustrated Jared Kushner Doesn’t Get Why Everyone In Media Attacking His Qualifications Like They Didn’t Just Get Jobs Through Nepotism Too +Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus +Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak +Health Experts Worry Coronavirus Will Overwhelm America’s GoFundMe System +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Nioh 2’ +How U.S. Organizations Are Responding To The Coronavirus Outbreak +Guests Spit Mouthfuls Of Tuna Into Buckets At StarKist Cannery Tour Tasting Room +Orioles Suggest That MLB Maybe Consider Canceling Entire Season Just To Be Totally Safe +Racist ‘Song Of The South’ Will Not Be Added To Disney+ +Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence +Dow Jones Drops 20% As Pandemic Fears Grow +Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’ +Best Buy CEO Humbly Asks If Everyone Can Go Out And Buy A Cord Or Something To Help With Company’s Coronavirus Losses +Myth Vs. Fact: Coronavirus +BP Executives Combat Negative Perceptions Of Fossil Fuel Companies By Putting Iceberg In Hotel Room With Murdered Prostitute +Judge Rules Led Zeppelin Did Not Steal ‘Stairway To Heaven’ Riff +Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building +Putin Backs Constitutional Amendment That Could Keep Him In Office Through 2036 +Best Methods For Staying Safe From Coronavirus +‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May +Biden Extends Olive Branch To Biden Supporters +Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri +Girlfriend Making Playlist Of Bands You Might Like To Associate With Her Forever +Wells Fargo Board Members Resign Following Congressional Report +Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond? +Lucky Cruise Passengers Get Bunch Of Extra Days On Ship +Twitter Adds ‘Manipulated Media’ Label To Video Retweeted By Trump +Things Must Be Getting Pretty Serious For Girlfriend’s Dad To Gift Bottle Of BBQ Sauce +Insecure Man Worried Everyone At Gym Will Stare At His Perfectly Chiseled Body +‘Vote Blue No Matter Who, Vote Blue No Matter Who,’ Chants Man Filling In Every Bubble On Democratic Primary Ballot +CDC Advises Americans To Protect Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This Here Tub For A Scrubbin’ +NASA Says Lettuce Grown In Space Is Safe To Eat +Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears +New Study Finds Most Premature Births Occur After Fetus Smells Something Delicious Outside +Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems +Pope Francis Gives Blessings Via Video In Effort To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus +Woman’s Subconscious Not Sure How Much More Clearly It Can Communicate That Her Teeth Going To Fall Out Soon +Biden Gives Speech From South African Jail Cell Where He Still Imprisoned For Supporting Nelson Mandela +Steph Curry Returns To NBA Following Injury +FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground +73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion +Smithsonian Apologizes For Fraudulent ‘Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb’ Exhibit +Elizabeth Warren Suspends Presidential Campaign +Man Talking Big Game About Having Shroom Hookup Folds Almost Immediately Under Pressure +Key Priorities For Trump’s Reelection Campaign +Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be Fifth-Grader +Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile +Former TV Host Must Pay PBS $1.5 Million For Violating Morality Clause +Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands +CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again +Dixie Chicks Release First New Single In 14 years +‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout +Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been +Vindictive Amy Klobuchar Elected Mayor Of South Bend, Indiana +Biden Wondering Where All This Support Was When He Still Had Functioning Brain +WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time +Amazing Collaboration: NASA Is Working With Nintendo To Learn How They Got The ‘?’ Blocks In ‘Mario’ Games To Float In The Air +Apple Ordered To Pay Up To $500 Million Over Slow iPhones +Health Officials Ask Americans To Stop Buying Face Masks +Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church +Serial Killer Nostalgic For Bygone Days When He Could Still Get Excited By Something As Simple As Setting A Dog On Fire +Sanders Supporter Urges Importance Of Listening To Minority Voices Just Not Specifically The Ones Who Handed Victory To Biden +Frustrated Bloomberg Staffer Literally Just Aborted Fetus For This Job +Biden Says Incredible Comeback Proves He Can Beat Progressive Democrat In A General Election +Elderly Woman Wheeling Oxygen Tank Takes Over Bus’ Priority Seating Like Most Feared Inmate On Prison Yard +Worst Pandemics In Global History +Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline +‘Judge Judy’ Ending After 25 Seasons +Amazing News Gamers: Everyone Is Having A Great Time Playing Video Games +Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure +White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt +Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks +Buttigieg, Klobuchar Endorse Biden After Suspending Campaigns +God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heaven +Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’ +Last-Minute Change To Super Tuesday Primary Rules Requires All 14 States To Vote At Same Polling Place +Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life +Biden Confident After Spending Super Tuesday Stumping Across Iowa +Astronomers Discover ‘Mini-Moon’ Orbiting Earth +New Neutrogena Deep Cleanse Just 130-Pound Chimp That Rips Your Face Off +Tom Steyer Drops Out Of Democratic Presidential Race +Report: More Americans Opting To Cut Cord By Building, Launching Own Satellite Into Orbit +DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine +Man Commits To Being Overly Nice For Next 45 Minutes To Friend He Just Snapped At +Eukaryote Traumatized After Accidentally Witnessing Parent Cell Undergo Mitosis +Depressed Mom Can’t Even Enjoy Adult Son’s New Haircut +Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race After Slamming Own Plan To Be President As ‘Naive, Unrealistic Pipe Dream’ +Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers +Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film +Americans Conned Out Of $201 Million In Online Romance Scams In 2019 +Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years +Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, And White Noise Machine Failed +Man In Quarantine Can’t Remember How Long It’s Been Since He Danced Through Town Square Followed By Big Chorus Of Friendly Locals +Look, Brother, Sister Don’t Like That They’re Soulmates Either +Exhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using Gun +Charles Barkley: ‘Michael Jordan Would Have Been Nothing Special Had He Played In My Day’ +Bourgeois Pig Owns Ostentatious Glass Crafted Specifically To Hold Wine +Children’s Science Website Clearly Struggling To Come Up With 10 Facts About Slugs +Biden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves +Mike Pence Tours Mayo Clinic Without Mask +Disappointing: Experts Are Now Telling Us That All The Big Kisses We Did To The TV Screen While Princess Zelda Was On Never Got Through To Her +10 Sexiest Photos Of Kates, Uptons +This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money +Reports Of Kim Jong Un’s Health Creates Confusion Over Possible Successors +America Surpasses 1 Million Confirmed Coronavirus Cases +Historical Timeline Of U.S. Employment +Republicans Ridicule Democrats For Caring As Little About Sexual Assault As They Do +Longtime Person Dead At 86 +Zoom Crasher Becomes Too Engrossed In Sales Meeting To Scream Obscenities +What To Cook While Social Distancing +Other Butter Companies Scramble To Fill Racism Void Left By Land-O-Lakes +Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines +10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games +9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On The Law Of Treaties Between States And International Organizations +Vaccine Rates Plummet During Pandemic +Undaunted Texas Waffle House Waitress Has Been Expecting To Die There Every Day For The Past 20 Years Anyway +Airbnb Introduces New 24-Hour Vacancy Policy Between Guests +The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth +Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away +Teleconferencing Pastor Requests Any Worshipper Currently Speaking In Tongues Go On Mute +Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings +Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths +Chris Matthews Admits To Inappropriate Behavior During MSNBC Career +A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’ +God Pins Up Hunky Shot Of Mesopotamian Hunting Deity As Inspiration To Start Working Out +10 ‘Healthy’ Foods That Are Actually Bad For You +TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet +Las Vegas Mayor Suggests Using City As Coronavirus Control Group +The Best Anime Characters +Millions Of ‘Last Dance’ Viewers Hooked By Thrilling Benny The Bull Paternity Suit Story +‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction +Report: Make It Stop +Hubble Space Telescope Celebrates 30 Years In Space +Effects Of Trump Halting Immigration +Report: Majority Of Knocks At Study Door Occur At Precise Moment Finishing Touch Being Put On Delicate Scale Model +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Valorant’ +10 SIZZLING HOT Sex Tips +Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked +Missouri Sues China Over Coronavirus Pandemic +89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him +Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun +Sales Of Video Game Consoles Up During Pandemic +What To Watch While Social Distancing +Ramadan Begins +Baby Emerges From Game Of Peekaboo Wiser, More Reflective +11 Surefire Signs +Top Prospects Of The 2020 NFL Draft +Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine +Rob Gronkowski Hoping Bucs Trade For Tom Brady Too +Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive +Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandemic +Germany Cancels Oktoberfest Due To Coronavirus Fears +Silver Lining: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Been Delayed Indefinitely But The ‘Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection’ Just Released 12 Years Early +7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS +Report: Amazon Using Heat-Sensing Alien Hunters To Track Workers Attempting To Unionize +How To Fix America’s Protective Equipment Shortage +Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination +2020 Lyrid Meteor Shower Peaks This Week +If Woman Makes It Through This, She Finally Going To Wear Hat In Public +Shake Shack Returns $10 Million Loan Meant For Small Businesses +Novak Djokovic Clarifies Anti-Vaccine Comments By Insisting He’s Always Supported Having Sponsors +Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again +10 Sandwiches That Look Like British Novelist Martin Amis +Man Reminds Self Woman On Chiquita Banana Sticker Only Smiling At Him Because That’s Her Job +Russians Withdrew $13.6 Billion From ATMs Amidst Coronavirus Fears +Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work +More Americans Report Vivid, Violent Dreams During Pandemic +BP Celebrates 10th Anniversary Of Deepwater Horizon By Dyeing Gulf Of Mexico Black +Fully Recovered Chris Cuomo Gradually Realizing Family Never Going To Let Him Out Of Basement +CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask +A Timeline Of Marijuana +Marijuana And Criminal Justice +Marijuana Laws By State +Economic Impact Of Marijuana By The Numbers +The Health Effects Of Marijuana +Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2 Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers +Having Trouble Finding The Coelacanth In ‘Animal Crossing’? And You Expect Us To Help You, After All You’ve Done? It Would Be Beneath Us To Even Grant You Death, You Dog +Antsy Nursing Home Residents Counting Down Seconds Until They Can All Get Back To Fucking Each Other +13 Most Common Questions Employers Will Ask At A Job Interview +Tour De France Postponed Until August +Regretful ‘The Last Dance’ Producers Realize They Probably Should’ve Tried To Interview Michael Jordan +Netflix Now Worth More Than Disney +Potential Ways For Sports To Restart During Coronavirus +Report: Rising Market Instability Driving More Countries To Peg Currencies To Akon’s Akoin +‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances +Fox News Producer Tasked With Calculating How Long It Would Take To Get Kid Rock A Doctorate +Pathetic Minimum-Wage Worker Devastated About Losing Job That Only Paid Couple Hundred Dollars A Week Anyway +Innovation FTW: New PS5 Controller Features Third Joystick You Operate With Your Tongue +Taiwanese Robot Baseball Fan Ejected For Yelling Slurs At Pitch Camera +Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators +British WWII Vet Raises Millions For NHS By Walking Laps Around Yard +The Greatest Moments In Slideshow History +Russian Roulette Champion Wouldn’t Let His Son Play Russian Roulette +Spring SAT Tests Cancelled Due To Pandemic +Alex Garland Recalls Discovering Personal Computers While Researching ‘Devs’ +CEO Assures Employees He Doing Everything In His Power To Lay People Off +Answering The Call: Bungie Announced That Master Chief Is Available To Fight Coronavirus But Isn’t Sure How To Make That Happen +Names For William H. Macy Around The World +‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity +Boyfriend Announces Plan To Spend Infuriating Afternoon Speaking In Australian Accent +Report: Probably Best Not To Even Think About Crazy Virus Currently Brewing Inside Axolotl +‘Barber…I Was A Barber,’ Says Man Struggling To Recall Life Before Pandemic +Global Economy Expected To Shrink 3% Due To Pandemic +Supreme Court Will Hear Arguments Via Teleconference For First Time +Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It +Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot +Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground +Americans Begin Receiving Stimulus Checks +Bulls Fire GM After 6-Week Winless Streak +Grinning Tim Cook Announces New iPhone Will No Longer Be Compatible With AirPods +Pope Francis Finally Close To Finishing Bible +8 Electrical Outlets That Would Love The Opportunity To Power A Coffee Maker +9 Inconsistencies In The Mysterious Disappearance Of The Countess Wellington +Pros And Cons Of Reopening America Before Coronavirus Pandemic Ends +Fears Over Food Supply Grows After Nation’s Naughty Little Boys Sneak Into Reserve Stockpiles And Eat All The Sweets +DMT Researchers Advise Maintaining 6-Foot Distance From Own Body +Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes +Aetna Honors All The Brave Insurance Debt Collectors Continuing To Work In This Difficult Time +Trump Blasts Dr. Fauci Over Repeated Negative Remarks About Coronavirus +NASCAR Driver Suspended Indefinitely For Racial Slur During Livestream +Mike Pompeo Warns Iran Stockpiling Tubes To Build Ventilator +3 Dogs; 2 Clever Backyard Projects; 4 Candy Bars You Forgot Existed; A Woman Drowning; 2 80s Hairstyles We Loved and 30 Entrepreneurs Under 30 +Bib-Wearing Nation Holding Forks And Knives Impatiently Waiting For Restaurants To Reopen +Postal Service Unveils Plan To Pay Debts With New $1 Trillion Stamp +Nation Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Learning Cast Of ‘Brockmire’ Wishes Them Well +Julian Assange Secretly Fathered 2 Kids In Ecuadorian Embassy +Boris Johnson Released From Hospital After Stay In ICU +Desperate Red Cross Introduces New High-Powered Arm Juicer To Get Every Last Drop Out Of Donors +Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores +Pandas In Locked-Down Zoo Mate After 10 Years Of Trying +Historians Discover Declaration Of Independence Originally Intended As Outlet For Founders To Vent Privately +Bad News, Naughty Dog Fans: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again After Joel Was Arrested For Taking Pictures Of Kids At Local Playgrounds +10 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Abducted And Murdered By Andie MacDowell +‘I Can Still Cook This, Right,’ Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots +Facebook Switchboard Operators Overwhelmed During High-Traffic Afternoon +European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End +Dr. Fauci Calls For End To Handshakes +7 Times We Mistook Some Random Long-Haired Guy In The Sky For Jesus +Must See: The ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake’ Features The Gorgeous New Opening Film ‘Taxi Driver’ +KitchenAid Introduces New High-Speed Countertop Chicken Decapitator +MUST SEE: 10 AMAZING, Totally WTF Brick Photos (NSFW) +Highlights Of ‘Tiger King’ +One-Third Of American Renters Didn’t Pay On Time In April +‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut +‘New York Times’ Pledges To Cover Biden Sexual Assault Allegations In Upcoming Crossword +Zoom CEO Reclines Back In Chair In Front Of Massive Wall Of Screens Displaying 10 Million Live Video Feeds +Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away +Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Presidential Race +Black Man Shot By Police After Matching Description For Covid-19 +12 Top-Paying Jobs In The U.S. +CDC Releases Instructions For All Americans To Make Their Own Hospitals +Astronaut’s Estranged Wife Accused Of Lying About Space Crime +Undaunted Sanders Supporters Announce They’ll Continue Presidential Campaign Without Candidate +European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera! +SeaWorld CEO Resigns After Furloughing 90% Of Workers +Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January +How Unemployment Benefits Work +NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 +‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient +12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee +Lady Gaga Announces Multi-Network Covid-19 Benefit Concert Telecast +Exhausting Every Other Way To Pass Time, Couple Begins Ranking Their Lamps +Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus +Allstate Returns Over $600 Million In Auto Premiums As Drivers Stay Home During Pandemic +Senator Kelly Loeffler Asks For Prayers After Losing $3 On Single Stock Due To Coronavirus +Ratings-Hungry Chris Cuomo Devotes Program To Interviewing 23 Other Cuomo Brothers +Uh, Thanks?: Sony Has Announced That PlayStation Plus Subscribers Can Download The Movie ‘Spanglish’ For Free During The Month Of April +Wisconsin Holds Democratic Primary Despite Coronavirus Concerns +European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price +Georgia Governor Argues That Closing State’s Beaches An Attack On Citizens’ Fundamental Right To Get Wet ’N’ Wild +Crazed, Quarantined Mental Health Experts Recommend Scrawling ‘Everything Will Be Okay’ In Feces On Wall +Trump Admits 18 New States To Increase Competition For Medical Supplies +Scientists Announce They Have Probably Successfully Taught Sign Language To Snakes +Americans Urged To Make Their Own Face Masks +15 Most Common Misspellings +NYPD Razes Central Park Hospital Tents For Violating Outdoor Encampment Laws +FDA Eases Restrictions On Blood Donations From Gay, Bisexual Men +Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet +CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price +Coronavirus Task Force Member Receives Security Detail Following Threats +In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes +Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church +Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union +Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu +11 Dogs So Perfect They’ll Make You Google Your State’s Bestiality Laws +Spotify Launches App For Children +CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls +Bidet Sales Skyrocket During Coronavirus Pandemic +‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window +Check Out This Egg +BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System +Zoom App Sued For Sharing User Data +‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms +Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules +CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door +Trojan Introduces New Anti-Anxiety Weighted Condoms +Pandemic Lockdowns Improve Air Quality Worldwide +Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them +Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement +Video Games Are Officially Art! Andres Serrano Just Submerged A Copy Of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’ In A Jar Of Piss +Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate +Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine +It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote +Archaeologists Discover Perfectly Preserved Roman Mosaic Floor +‘I Will Not Be Censored,’ Yells Trump Chaining Himself To Phone Displaying Twitter Homepage +Effects Of Online Public Shaming +Adam Silver Shows Solidarity With Players By Inserting Self As Milwaukee Bucks Point Guard +Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today +Woman Needs To Shut Up And Allow Man To Be Ally +Major Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unlocked Skins And Emotes Into The Afterlife +Covid-19 Antibody Tests May Be Wrong 50% Of The Time +NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot +Historic SpaceX Launch Postponed +Man Questions If It Really Necessary For Protesters To Be Black +Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First +White House Press Secretary: ‘Trump’s Critics Will Seize On Any Six-Figure Death Toll That Suits Their Narrative’ +‘Mommy Had To Go To The Hospital Today’ Starts Instagram Chihuahua’s Darkest Post To Date +WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces +Inspirational ‘Hang In There’ Chalk Message The Thing That Finally Breaks Entire Neighborhood +What To Read While Social Distancing +Top 9 Black Plague FAILS +Mike Tyson Offered $20 Million To Compete In Fight +Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus +Jack Dorsey Assures Twitter Users That Company Having Most Idiotic Possible Internal Conversations About Trump’s Account +Inspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So They Can Serve CD Projekt Forever +Twitter Refuses To Remove Trump Tweets About Scarborough Conspiracy Theory +10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors +Woman Knows Current Hardships Just Preparing Her To One Day Give Up Completely +Architect Has Amazing Idea For Replacing Freedom Tower If Worst Were To Happen Again +Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye +Family Increasingly Terrified That Ghost Haunting House Might Be Pedophile +CDC Warns Of Aggressive Rats Scavenging For Food +What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited? +Trump Claims To Have Stopped Taking Hydroxychloroquine +Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees +DNC To Streamline Fundraising By Cutting Out Unnecessary Cost Of Campaigns, Candidates +Top So-Called Expired Items That Are Still Perfectly Good +Trump: ‘Even One Death That Makes Me Look Bad Is A Tragedy’ +8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image +Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up +CDC Issues Safety Guidelines For Pools, Water Parks, Hot Tubs +Man Always Self-Sabotaging By Working To The Best Of His Ability +The 9 Most SCANDALOUS Rihanna Photos +Complete Bullshit: Designers Of This Online Shooter Made It So This Guy Died Even Though He Totally Ducked +Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All +How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing +Lori Loughlin, Mossimo Giannulli Plead Guilty In College Admissions Scandal +Governor Upset Barber Would Be So Reckless As To Get Near Ben Roethlisberger +Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents +11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining +A True Miracle: This Woman Just Gave Birth To A Nintendo Switch +What To Know About The Flooding In Michigan +Judge Rules Salvage Company Can Cut Into Titanic Wreck +Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps +10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic For The ’90s +Raspberry Self-Conscious About Amount Of Body Hair +Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign +Coronavirus Forces Ford Plants To Temporarily Close Days After Reopening +Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life +NFL Reminds Black Coaches They’ll Get Their Chance Once League Runs Out Of Grudens And Shanahans +FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For +Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande Deny Claim They Bought No. 1 Billboard Spot +10 Wyobraźni Co My Gwarantujemy Przyniesie Uśmiech na Twej Twarzy +Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious +Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season +All 50 States Unveil Plans To Ease Coronavirus Restrictions By Memorial Day +Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures +Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Living In +Pros And Cons Of Voting By Mail +Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel +The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs +Good News, ‘Final Fantasy’ Fans: Looks Like They Made A Bunch Of Those Things +Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is +Notre Dame To Reopen Campus For Fall Semester +Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too +U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country +Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine +Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station +Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job +‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive +High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video +10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities +Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball +Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement +Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret +Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out +Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine +Recipe Calls For Banana As If Man Has Access To Fucking Caribbean Street Market +Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’ +Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby +Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second +God Recalls Getting Start As Backup Dancer Before Making It Big As Deity +New Research Indicates Coronavirus Did Not Spread From Pangolins +Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents +Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album +Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident +Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point +Wisconsin Bars Reopen Following State Supreme Court Decision +Helpful HR Email Offers Employees Tips For Ignoring Mental Health +500-Mile Dead Zone Found Off Atlantic Coast Linked To Runoff From Olive Garden Alfredo Pipe +74 Normal Photos And 2 Kinda Weird Ones +The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch +Record Number Of Women Running For U.S. House In 2020 +Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are +Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters +113-Year-Old Beats Coronavirus +Police Still Investigating What Happened Between Officer Discharging Weapon And Suspect’s Head Exploding +11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs +Updated Patriot Act Finally Legalizes 80% Of Current FBI Operations +Nurse Wearing Snoopy Scrubs, Floral Face Mask To Work Must Think Pandemic Some Kind Of Joke +Differences Between The Stock Market And The Economy +New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds +Heartbreaking Photos Of Polar Bears Who Will Die Before The Next ‘Metroid Prime’ If Nintendo Doesn’t Get Their Shit Together +Health Officials Close Restaurant That Opened For Mother’s Day +10 Morally Reprehensible Turtles Who Deserved To Get Their Heads Stuck In Plastic Rings +Family Can Trace Ancestry Back To Whatever The Hell Grandma Was Talking About +Prize Hog Doesn’t Know How She Can Retain Competition-Ready Body For Another Year +10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet +Disgusting Bigotry: The Media Is Only Blaming This Bat For Coronavirus Because He’s A Gamer +What To Know About The Killing Of Ahmaud Arbery +Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What +Episode Of Cooking Show Implying Pastry Chefs Some Sort Of Oppressed Minority +Pennsylvania Becomes 3rd State To Fully Outlaw Child Marriage +Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January +Dr. Fauci Warns Of Needless Suffering And Death If America Allowed To Continue +White House Will Require Everyone Except Trump To Wear Mask In West Wing +Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant +Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To Be Last Chance +National Grandpa Council Allocates $300 Million To Provide Each American Some Walkin’ Around Money +Coronavirus Assumed White House Would Be Bigger In Person +9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter +FDA Approved First Birth Control Pill 60 Years Ago This Week +Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot +3 Coronavirus Task Force Members To Self-Quarantine +Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying +‘The Last Dance’ Director Defends Creative Choice To Flash Forward To 2046 +All Man’s Fun Facts From Eisenhower Biography From Prologue +Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool +Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again +Flashback! 8 Mind-Blowing Photos Of Jessica Alba Before She Was Famous +Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus +Tinder To Introduce In-App Video Chat Feature +Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World +77% Of Laid-Off Workers Expect To Be Rehired By Employer In Future +Trump Names Donor As New Postmaster General +Most Common Panic-Buying Purchases During Coronavirus +Each Successive Comment On ‘Jack And Diane’ Music Video More Heartbreaking Than Last +Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times +Watch What Happens When You Zoom In On This Bread +12 Sure Signs You Directed The 2006 Motion Picture ‘Babel’ +Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World +‘Hey,’ Says Chloë Sevigny In Cool, Unaffected Greeting To Firstborn +NYPD Officer Hopes Black Teen Only Coughing Because He Just Choked Him +‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating Nest +Rich College Student Trying To Find Shabbiest Angle In Parents’ Penthouse To Zoom Into Class From +Scientists Study Llamas In Quest For Coronavirus Treatment +God Cleans Cosmos After Discovering Universe Infested With Ants +Golden Boy Boxing Applies For PPP Loan To Continue Paying Off Judges +REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life +Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights +1 In 5 Wendy’s Restaurants Currently Out Of Beef +Major Airlines Will Require Passengers Wear Masks During Flights +Man Just Can’t Be With Someone Who He Projects So Many Of His Own Flaws Onto +Elon Musk Debuts New Self-Parenting Child +Study Finds Skin Melting Off Your Hands Revealing Bones Beneath Best Indication You’re About To Have A Bad Trip +Biden Campaign Considering Using The Internet To Attract Voters +Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians +How Contact Tracing Works +Facebook Cracking Down On Misinformation By Warning Users Who Share Links From Facebook +The Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips +Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun +Michelle Obama ‘Becoming’ Netflix Documentary Spends First Hour On Embryonic Stage +Carnival Cruise Line To Resume Service In August +The Top 10 Prevented Nip Slips +Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers +Immune System Bored Too +Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Prefer Working Remotely After Pandemic +13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop? +Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most +Man Feels Like He Gets Gist Of Enlightenment After First Few Minutes Of Hearing Zen Monk Talk +BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters +Invasive ‘Murder Hornets’ Confirmed In U.S. +Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister +Belarusian Soccer Execs Pop Champagne On New Mega Yacht To Celebrate Wave Of Increased Popularity That Will Surely Last Forever +Man Can’t Unsee That McDonald’s Logo Just Big ‘M’ +Trump Blames China For Acting Too Late In Coordinating U.S. Coronavirus Response +YouTube Shuts Down Account Of Man Who Pushed 5G Coronavirus Conspiracy +Kindergartener Can’t Believe Friend Has Never Seen ‘Cars 3’ Before +Major Relief: Microsoft Has Confirmed That The Xbox Series X Will Play Video Games +10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother +The Topical Wins A Pulitzer +Doctors Report ‘Covid Toes’ As Possible New Coronavirus Symptom +Justin Amash Announces 3rd Party Run For President +NCAA Wonders Why Financially Struggling Student Athletes Didn’t Just Exploit Labor Of Others +Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines +Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’ +Even Better Than Travis Scott: The Nephew Of An Epic Games Executive Will Be Playing Some Songs On The Oboe For Everyone In ‘Fortnite’ +Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret +How Coronavirus Will Change Human Relationships +Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm +New Fossil Evidence Suggests Dinosaur Could Swim +Best Recipe Blogs +God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife +CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson Family +New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic +Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together +Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning Assassinations +Judge Rules Devin Nunes Can’t Sue Twitter Over Cow Parody Account +Disney’s Splash Mountain To Be Rethemed As ‘Princess And The Frog’ +‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swearing-In Ceremony +NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer +What’s Behind The Recent Increase In Reports Of Fireworks? +Most Anticipated Games Of The Summer +Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs +Giant Sahara Desert Dust Plume Headed For U.S. +Bayer To Pay $10 Billion In Roundup Settlement +Heaven Flush With Cash After Trump Administration Sends $1.4 Billion In Stimulus To Dead Americans +Jilted Lover Keying Cheater’s Car Realizes She Should Have Started Further Over +Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House +Segway Suspends Scooter Production +Researchers Predict Pandemic Could Result In 500,000 Fewer U.S. Births +Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary +Gamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News +Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mecca +Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void +Pros And Cons Of D.C. Statehood +Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime From Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Violence +IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger +Milky Way Could Harbor 6 Billion Earth-Like Planets +Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential +Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump +MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name +Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans +Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts +Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type +Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday +White House Announces Entire U.S. Populace Of 6,200 Attended Trump’s Tulsa Rally +Facebook Announces Plan To Break Up U.S. Government Before It Becomes Too Powerful +Biden Outraises Trump For First Time +Dog Owner Not Sure How City Expects Her To Pick Up Every Drop Of Dog Piss In Little Bag +Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit +Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday +Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked +The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All +Huh, Boyfriend’s Ex Just Made Interesting Hair Choice +‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke +Man Hates How Hot Dog-Eating Contests Reduce Art Of Eating Hot Dogs To A Competition +Kristen Stewart To Play Princess Diana In Upcoming Biopic +Resigned Pew Research Study Has No Fucking Clue What’s Going On With 15% Of Americans +Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben’s Brands To Be Overhauled +White House Toilet Doesn’t Know If It Can Handle Another 4 Years Of Trump +Kentucky Attorney General So Starstruck By Letter From Beyoncé He Unable To Even Read What It’s About +Researchers Find Crows Smart Enough Not To Let On How Smart They Really Are +Sony Reveals PS5 Fully Customizable With Different Little Hats +Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027 +Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction +American Airlines Suspends Alcohol Service For Economy Class +Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy +7-Eleven Cancels Free Slurpee Day +William Howard Taft Historian Confident Solution To Nation’s Troubles Can Be Found In Storied Career Of William Howard Taft +NASA Launches Paparazzo Rover In Beverly Hills To Search For Signs Of Salacious Celebrity Life +Sweat-Soaked Mattress Praying This The Year Couple Invests In Air Conditioner +Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age +Report: There Already 5 Million Players Who Are Better Than You’ll Ever Be At ‘Valorant’ +Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option +Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes +2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months +Entire Oklahoma State Team To Boycott Season After Mike Gundy Seen In NCAA Shirt +Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Nonstop Classic Rock Blocks +42-Year-Old Man Still Unsure What His Interests Are +Supreme Court Rules Federal Law Protects LGBT Workers +‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Babbling Creek +Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man +NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint +Fantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy +Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front Of Everybody +Melania Trump Renegotiated Prenup Before Moving Into White House +The Biggest Titles Announced At The PS5 Game Lineup Event +‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works +36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5 +Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States +Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff +Amazon Temporarily Halts Police Use Of Facial Recognition Software Until It Can Perfect ‘Other Faces You Might Be Interested In’ Feature +Former DEA Officer Pleads Guilty To Posing As CIA Agent In Fraud Scheme +City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over +ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half +Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote +Lady Antebellum Changes Name +Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream +Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fell Into The Ocean +Pros And Cons Of Removing Historical Statues +Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes +Red Sox Ask Fans To Switch From Racial To Homophobic Slurs When Taunting Opposing Players +Showrunner Worried This A Bad Time For New Series About 2 Cop Best Friends Who Get Neo-Nazi Roommate +Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony +Archaeologists May Have Discovered Oldest Theater In London +TV Show ‘Cops’ Cancelled +Anna Kendrick’s ‘Love Life’ Pulled From HBO Max Until It Can Return With Historical Context +South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban +No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now +White Ally Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Make Sure People Won’t Be Mad At Him +Treasure Chest Buried In Rocky Mountains Discovered +New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway +Astronaut Becomes First Woman To Reach Deepest Point In Ocean +U.K. Demonstrators Tear Down Statue Of Slave Trader +Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch +Timeline Of Trump’s Response To The George Floyd Protests +37-Year-Old Worried He Might Have Missed Boat On Becoming Child Prodigy +Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention +‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To Cup Of Applesauce +‘Banjo-Kazooie’ Fans Will Love This: This Man Threw His Bird On The Ground +Adopt-A-Slide: These 10 Slides Still Need A Slideshow Home +Second Meal After Grocery Trip A Severe Drop-Off From First Meal After Grocery Trip +WHO Walks Back Claim That Covid-19 Can Only Be Transmitted Through Locking Eyes With One True Love +Woman Begins Defeated Slog Back Upstairs To Apartment To Retrieve Forgotten Mask +TV Critic Struggling To Explain Appeal Of Watching Television To Average American +NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 +U.S. Economy Officially Entered Recession In February +‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Editor Defends Publishing Comic By Tom Cotton +Woman Who Hasn’t Attended Protest Yet Hoping Police Brutality Still Going On Next Week Too +Major Hype: Gamers Have Been Divorcing Their Spouses Because They Aren’t As Beautiful As The Graphics On ‘Unreal Engine 5’ +8-Month Odyssey Of Distress, Despair Ends In Redemption As Man Finally Gets Around To Buying Batteries For Remote +Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr. +Everyone Who Learned Of Our Dalliance With The Colonel This Year +Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam Will Not Have Guns In ‘Looney Tunes’ Reboot +Poll Finds Two-Thirds Of Americans Think Trump Has Made Racial Tensions Worse +TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids +Congress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or Statue +Company Issues Statement Announcing They Stand With Rejected Black Applicants +Kyrie Irving Suggests NBA Hold Games Inside Higher Plane Of Reality Beyond Limits Of Mortal Realm +15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School +New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure +YouTube Star Jake Paul Charged With Trespassing +General Mattis Condemns Trump As Threat To Constitution +Two Buffalo Police Officers Suspended After Staining Clean Sidewalk With Blood +Police Chief Vows To Take Concrete Steps To Better Cover Up Violence +Pros And Cons Of Curfew Laws +Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained +Oakland Athletics Stadium Immediately Converted Into Condos After Team Misses Rent Payment +Letdown: Naughty Dog Says They Worked So Hard On ‘The Last Of Us II’s Amazing Cutscenes, They Only Had Time To Create A Basic Word Puzzler For Gameplay +Family Left Elderly Grandmother To Die In Nursing Home But Not Like This +Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality +Richmond, Virginia Mayor Issues Ordinance To Remove Confederate Statues +Snapchat To Stop Promoting Trump’s Account +The Greatest NBA Teams Of All Time +U.S. Flag Can’t Believe Fucking Wuss Cries Every Time National Anthem Plays +Republican Leaders Claim New Yorkers Will Greet U.S. Military As Liberators +Drew Brees Admits He Doesn’t Trust Black People Ever Since Falcons Linebacker Stole Football Straight Out Of His Hands +Mark Zuckerberg Announces Virtual Roundtable With American Hate Groups To Better Understand How They Work +Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography +Minnesota Launches Civil Rights Probe Against Minneapolis PD +Jay-Z Takes Out Full-Page Ad To Honor George Floyd +‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation +How To Reform The Police +Primaried Steve King Glad He At Least Won’t Have To Be PC Anymore +Police Defend Use Of Non-Lethal Rubber Tires On Protestors +Democratic Leaders Announce That They’ve Learned The Words ‘Systemic Racism’ +Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants +Americans Buying More Frozen Foods During Pandemic +Facebook Employees Stage Virtual Walkout +‘She Needs A Bible Now, Fuckwad—Yes, It’s For An Epic Clapback!’ Yells Panicked Pelosi Aide Into Phone +Auntie Anne’s Breaks From Pack By Calling For Protesters To Be Shot +Trump Throws Garbage Can Through McDonald’s Window Before Looting $2,000 In Big Macs +Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay Peaceful +Roger Goodell Insists Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted 17-Game Football Season In Front Of Full Stadiums +Community Of Losers Comes Together To Clean Graffiti Off Multinational Banking Conglomerate +Cities Nationwide Placed Under Curfews +De Blasio: ‘It Is An Honor To Have My Daughter Doxxed By The Greatest Police Force In The World’ +9 Things Introverts Do All The Time +Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land +Minneapolis, New York City Bus Drivers Refuse To Help Police Transport Protestors +Sweatshop Worker Devastated To Hear Jacket She Worked So Hard On Looted +‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker +Miami Mayor Suggests Citizens May Be Able To Resume Grinding On Each Other By July 1 +Trump Claims U.S. Will Designate Antifa A Terrorist Organization +Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too Late +Fed Chairman Downloads Budgeting App To Help Manage Nation’s Economy +7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die +Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters +CNN Turns 40 +Federal Troops Tear-Gas Yankees Off Field So Trump Can Throw Out First Pitch +Garth Brooks Withdraws Self From Top Country Music Association Award +Barack Obama Storms Out Of Michelle Obama Podcast Interview After Questions About Administration’s Drone Use +Congress Approves Defense Relief Funding For Americans To Receive Stimulus Aircraft Carrier +Voting Rights Lawsuits That Could Affect The 2020 Election +Hacky Pop-Up Book’s Narrative Tension Pretty Dependent On Lifting Colored Flaps +Federal Agents Drive 3 Hours Away From Portland Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In Backseat +Real-Life ‘Nintendogs’? This Furry 4-Legged Creature Loves To Snuggle And Play +Highlights From The First Week Of MLB Play +Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake +New Blood Test Could Diagnose Alzheimer’s In Dementia Patients +Mattel Unveils Barbie 2020 Campaign Team Dolls +Biden Campaign Whittles VP Shortlist Down To Either Woman Or Man With Long Hair +Top Contenders For The 2020 NBA Season Restart +Ravens Fan Can’t Believe Ray Lewis Charging $300 On Cameo Just To Stab People +Thighs On Fucking Fire 12 Seconds Into Flirty Lap Dance +Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’ +Theoretical Astro-Fetishists Posit Black Holes Could Be Used For Anonymous Sex Across Parallel Universes +Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 +Teens In India Discover Asteroid Near Mars +Tech CEOs Testify Before Congress In Antitrust Hearing +Brian Kemp Pushes Against Coronavirus Restrictions By Moving All Government Business To Packed Indoor Pool +Rob Manfred Frustrated MLB Season Falling Apart Despite All The Energy He Put Into Wishing It Wouldn’t +Hopefully Neighborhood Children Enjoy 2004 Coding Textbook Man Added To Lending Library +Scientists Locate Impact Crater From Asteroid That Destroyed Roman Empire +Pros And Cons Of Banning TikTok +Funeral Alright +God Reminds Angels That Helping Struggling Baseball Teams Their Number-One Priority +Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies +Rescue Team Saves St. Bernard From England’s Highest Peak +Kyrie Irving Donates $1.5 Million To Support WNBA Players Sitting Out Season +Area Man Will Always Remember This As The Summer He Lived Life Normally And Everyone Was Mad At Him +‘We Are Upholding The Rule Of Law,’ Bill Barr Tells Congress While Federal Agents Drag Jerry Nadler Into Unmarked Van +Queen Elizabeth II Worried She’s Next On Chopping Block If Beefeaters Laid Off +L.A. Designates Open-Air Dining Areas Along 101 Freeway Median +Mom Calls Daughter In Panic After Ultra-Realistic Nightmare That She Chopped Off Her Beautiful Hair +Anteater ‌Knows‌ ‌It‌’s Stereotypical‌ ‌But‌ ‌Can’t‌ ‌Help‌ ‌But‌ ‌Love‌ Ants‌ +U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline +Missing Red Panda Returns To Columbus Zoo +Trump Advisors Say Americans Will Get Second $1,200 Stimulus Check +Closed Ballpark Forces Thousands Of Phillies Fans To Be Content Verbally Threatening Friends And Family +More Cities Offering Drive-Thru Covid Injection Sites To Put Citizens Out Of Misery +Rep. Yoho Removed From Charity Board Over Sexist Comments Toward Ocasio-Cortez +Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security +Whoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of Mario +Irresponsible Man Not Even Doing Part To Develop Coronavirus Vaccine +Bush Administration Reunites On Zoom For Table Read Of National Intelligence Brief Used To Justify Iraq War +Missing Teen Looks Like He Can Probably Take Care of Himself Out There +Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans +Excited Vlad Guerrero Jr. Can’t Believe He Gets To Keep Foul Ball +House Censures Ocasio-Cortez For Using Sexist Slur On Floor Of Congress +Everything We Learned From The New ‘Halo Infinite’ Gameplay Trailer +Taylor Swift Drops Surprise Album +Twitter Bans 7,000 Hate Accounts That Were A Little Too On The Nose +Victoria’s Secret Introduces New Sexy Push-Up Jack For Maximum Lift +Student Travels To Remote Indian Temple To Train With Legendary Yoga Ball +Country Time CEO Unsure If Company Supposed To Be Racist Or Not +How To Ease U.S.–China Tensions +Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex +Comic-Con Goes Online For 2020 Festival +ICUs Reach Breaking Point As Nation Hits 4 Million Coronavirus Hoaxes +Ohio House Speaker Arrested In $60 Million Bribery Scheme +Aunt Who’s Really Mom’s Friend Announces She Saw Inside Of Willie Nelson’s Bus Once +Clumsy Stealth Drone Surveilling Taliban Base Flees After Accidentally Knocking Over Potted Plant +Asshole Refusing To Pay Reward For Lost Dog As If Poster Specified It Had To Be Alive +‘It Wasn’t The First Birthday We Imagined, But We Spent The Day Surrounded By Love,’ Begins Elegant Tapestry Of Fabricated Embellishments +Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest Dreams +Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do +Country Time Offers ‘Littlest Bailout’ To Kids Who Can’t Run Lemonade Stands This Year +Study Finds Universal Mask Use Could Cut U.S. Coronavirus Deaths By 67% +Baseball Fan Excited For Return Of Switching To Movie After 2 Hours When It’s 5-1 In The 4th Inning +Timeline Of Presidential Polling +LeBron James On Quest To Hunt Down Owners Of Rare Rookie Cards That Contain Fragments Of His Soul +Disaster: Luigi Left His Space Heater Plugged In For 3 Days And The Entire ‘Paper Mario’ Kingdom Burned Down +Del Monte Introduces New Extended-Release, Maximum-Strength Peaches +Encouraging Report Finds Polar Bears Evolving Aerospace Engineering Skills Necessary To Escape Overheating Planet +New Streaming Service Still Struggling To Come Up With Name Stupid Enough That Public Becomes Furious When They Hear It +Catcaller Not Sure What The Big Deal Is Since He’d Love For A Woman To Call Him A Fat, Stuck-Up Bitch +The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns +Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy +Beefeaters Face Job Cuts For First Time In History +Trump Resumes Coronavirus Briefings As Cases Surge +Homeland Security Claims Protesters Snatched Off Streets As Part Of New Surprise Makeover Series +New Congressional Stimulus Would Provide National Tip Jar For All Americans Making Under $40,000 +PC Culture Gone Too Far? Typing ‘Western Civilization’ Into The Chat Box In ‘The Sims’ Doesn’t Unlock Any Cheats +‘Huh, That’s Kind Of Weird,’ Thinks Fruit Fly Diving In To Dish Of Honey Containing Corpses Of 15 Other Fruit Flies +Man Unaware Majority Of His Life’s Failures Directly Caused By Getting Only 80% Daily Recommended Thiamine +Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal +CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools +Creatively Recharged Tucker Carlson Comes Up With Week Of Show Ideas After Hispanic Cashier Gives Him Wrong Change +United Arab Emirates Successfully Launches Migrant Workers To Mars To Build Luxury Colonies +Pandemic Sets Off National Coin Shortage +Braves Remove Tomahawk Chop Statue +DHS Secretary Assuages Concerns About Protester Abductions By Promising This Will All Feel Routine In A Month +Charmin Under Fire For New Ad Suggesting It Wouldn’t Be Bad Idea If Everyone Started Hoarding Toilet Paper Again +Toddler Feels Somewhat Torn About Pretending To Be Policeman In Current Climate +Man Longingly Imagines What Life Would Be Like If Pizza Deliveryman Outside Building Were Here For Him +Union Soldiers Battle Aliens At Annual Gettysburg Ahistorical Reenactment +Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival +Mortgage Rates Fall Below 3% For First Time +Georgia Governor Bans Local Governments From Mandating Masks +Dog Could Really Go For Some Women’s Underwear Right Now +Apologetic Dan Snyder Pledges To Spend Rest Of Life Re-Earning Trust Of Great Brands Like FedEx +Teacher Wonders If Outer Space Or Ocean Better Theme For Bulletin Board Listing Coronavirus Rules +Blatant Rip-Off: The Main Character In ‘Ghost Of Tsushima’ Is Clearly Modeled On The Samurai From Japanese History +Genetics: Myth Vs. Fact +Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice +Tyra Banks Named New Host Of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ +Man Trademarks Dozens Of Possible New Names For Washington Redskins +Panicked Officials Agree To Reopen Gyms After Disastrous 85% Drop In Nation’s Chiseled Studs +Melania Trump Figures It’s Time To Sit Barron Down And Tell Him He Was Bred For His Organs +Father’s Increasingly Virulent Racism Excused Because Of How Difficult It Is For Him To Get Out Of Chair Now +Mike Greenberg Encouraged To Wear Mask To Help Prevent Spread Of Inane Commentary +Another Audubon Society Board Meeting Derailed By Members Scoffing Over Proportions Of Tweety Bird +Fisher-Price Introduces New Bungee Jumperoo For Thrill-Seeking Babies +Congress Passes Bill To Build New 35-Mile Overpass Capable Of Housing Millions Of Evicted Americans +Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years +Glass Vial Shortage Could Delay Coronavirus Vaccine +A Guide To U.S. Coronavirus Travel Restrictions +Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group +California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway +Google Vows To Not Use Fitbit Data For Advertising +Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have To Do To Make Dipshit Look Up From Phone +IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year +Nutritionists Admit You Can Just Eat Hot Dogs And Live Like That For Basically Decades +New Report Links Nationwide Decline In Mental Health To Not Being Able To Eat Inside Hard Rock Cafe +Wells Fargo Orders Employees To Delete TikTok Citing Security Concerns +Report: This Article Something To Look At For Few Minutes While Your Life Slips Away From You +Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available +Los Angeles, San Diego Schools Will Remain Remote-Only This Fall +Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star +Bank Heist Crew Beginning To Question Inclusion Of Entomology Expert +New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible +Starbucks To Require Face Masks For Customers +Joe Rogan Starting To Make A Lot Of Sense To Man Who Gets All His News From Joe Rogan +Leaf Ruined After Being Left Out In Rain +Trump Commutes Sentence for Roger Stone +Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths +Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken Up +‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call +KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive +Report: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine +Florida Shatters Daily Coronavirus Infection Record +Physicists Hail Major Breakthrough After Discovering Neutrinos Just Little Italian Neutrons +Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit +Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading +The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 13, 2020 +Michael Cohen Sent Back To Prison +Timeline Of Officials Trying To Get Trump’s Financial Records +Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools +Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away +CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time +Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into Form +Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion From Young People Of Color +New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth +Study Finds Rats Experience Bystander Effect +Johnny Depp Interrupts Libel Case To Duck Behind Witness Stand, Pop Up In Judge’s Robes Banging Oversized Gavel +How A Case Gets To The Supreme Court +Apologetic DeSean Jackson Pledges To Learn More By Going To Hitler Museum +Supreme Court Rules Employers Can Opt Out Of Birth Control Coverage +Total Banger On Grocery Store Loudspeaker Interrupted For Lost Child Announcement +Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old Age +Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King +Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team +FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide +Pandemic Accelerating Decline Of Paper Currency +Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro Tests Positive For Covid-19 +Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him +How To Extend The Lifespan Of Your Tech Devices +Corrupt Policeman Worried About Working With Partner Who Has Never Once Taken Bribe +Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast +‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will Experience +City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims +Patrick Mahomes Signs 10-Year, $400 Million Extension With Chiefs +Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience +Tell-All Book By Donald Trump’s Niece To Be Released Early +Effects Of The Nationwide Protests Against Police Brutality +Fox Criticized For Cropping Epstein Party Photo To Remove Killer Buffet Spread +Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong +Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds +Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months +Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes +Prehistoric Monument Discovered Near Stonehenge +Kanye West Announces Plan To Run For President +Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties +Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne +FBI Agent Desperately Trying To Remember Why They Have File On Eugene Levy Again +Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In +Vacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ Interchangeably +Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever +Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place +The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular +Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled +Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd Control +Sleep: Myth Vs. Fact +Does Anyone Want To Play A Few Rounds Of Command & Conquer: Red Alert Against Us? +‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship +Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List Celebrity +So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk +Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark +Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal Prison +Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He Ready +Pretentious Third-Grader Only Reading Children’s Books That Won Newbery Medal +Biden Resumes In-Person Campaigning +DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016 +Facebook Purchases Oculus VR For Another $2 Billion After Forgetting They Already Bought It In 2014 +Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens +Nation Feels Like It Hasn’t Seen Justin Timberlake In Years +Hardcore Trump Fans Who Came To Hear Classic Border Wall Rants Frustrated By Boring New Covid Stuff +Michael Phelps Breaches Surface To Ask If Coronavirus Still Happening Before Returning To Briny Depths +Highlights Of The 2020 Republican National Convention +Russian Scientists Grip Heads In Agony As Telepathic Laika The Dog Emerges From Smoldering Crater +Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value +Surgeon Putting In Extra Effort In Case Patient Undercover Professional Critic +Touching: After Bethesda Heard This Grandpa Loves ‘Skyrim,’ They Decided To Make Him The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ Only Character +Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins +‘And After The 100-Foot-Tall Spiders Destroy The Cities, They’ll Come For The Suburbs!’ Screams Terrified Giuliani In RNC Speech +Health Experts Warn Of ‘Twindemic’ As Flu Season Approaches +Man Just Wants To Watch Basketball In Peace Without Being Forced To Recognize Players’ Humanity In Any Way +Blue Lives Matter Supporters Say Kyle Rittenhouse Not Reflective Of Most Peaceful Apologists For Police State +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Call Of Duty: Black Ops Cold War’ +Ornithologists Discover Owls Just Bounce Off Your Windshield On The Highway Sometimes +Years Of Listening To Grandpa Talk About Dust Bowl Pays Dividends In Instagram Post Honoring His Death +‘Friend, You Understand Friend?’ Gesture Democratic Leaders To Focus Group Of Working-Class Voters +Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere +Florida To Release 750 Million Genetically Modified Mosquitoes +Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirring Case For Reduced-Calorie Dinners +RNC Forced To Pad Out Final Nights Of Convention With Illegitimate Trump Children +Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere +Fox News Limits Pandemic Coverage To Avoid Giving Coronavirus Notoriety It Craves +Iowa Leaves Big Saran-Wrapped Bowl Of Potato Salad At Illinois Border After Making Too Much +‘I Was, Uh, Getting Groceries,’ Lies Girlfriend Covering Up Fourth Craft Store Visit This Week +How To Become A Social Media Influencer +Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties +Premeditated Triple Homicide Taken Completely Out Of Context +Girl Scouts Introduce New Cookie +‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC +RNC Audience Chilled By Tim Scott’s Ominous Story Of Black Man Who Rose To Position Of Power +Protest March Passing Outside Apartment Close Enough For Man To Say He Participated +Report: Seeing Llama Would Be Fun Change Of Pace +Man Worried He’s Not Caring And Responsible Enough To Be Parent After Cat He Adopted Shoots Up Middle School +ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half +Warner Bros. Resumes Movie Productions +RNC Features Tribute From Family Members Of Americans Who Will Die If Trump Wins Second Term +Officer Points To Unarmed White Man He Once Killed To Prove He’s Not Racist +Trouble Not Your Mind, Gamers: Video Games Are Considered Cool Right Now +Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College +Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide +U.S. Unemployment Continues To Skyrocket As More Americans Pursue Dream Of Becoming A Dancer +Russian Opposition Leader Hospitalized After Alleged Poisoning +Smithsonian Unearths Historic 1939 Recording Of Sports Radio Host Criticizing Lou Gehrig’s Commitment To Baseball +Man Withholding Judgment On Megan Thee Stallion Shooting Until Hearing Gun’s Side Of The Story +Steve Bannon Indicted For Border Wall Fundraiser Fraud +Highlights Of The 2020 Democratic National Convention +Pete Buttigieg Hoping To Leverage Rising Star Status Into Becoming Mayor Of Evansville, Indiana +Congressional Republicans Grill Postmaster General Over Mailboxes Censoring Conservatives +Watchdog Groups Urge Bob Evans To Create Emergency Plan In Case Donald Trump Refuses To Leave +Jim Harbaugh Annoyed He Only Got $5.89 For Selling Back 2020 Playbook To University Bookstore +Woman Surprises Husband Returning From Long Day Of Work By Dressing Dog Up All Sexy +Unclear What About Cereal Commercial Prompted Dad To Reveal Past Affair +Frat President Chews Out Brothers Infected With Covid-19 For Not Sanitizing Balls Before Teabagging Pledges +Gamers Will Love This: Sometimes It’s Just Fun To Relax With A Nice Jigsaw Puzzle +New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail +Ian McKellen Waiting In Line At Buckingham Palace Administrative Office To Get Knighthood Renewed Before It Expires +Hawaii Delays Tourism Reopening +DNC Staffer Watching Biden Speech From Control Room Prepared To Cut To Shot Of American Flag At Any Moment +‘Tiger King’ Zoo Closed By USDA +Officers Exposed To Steve Bannon During Arrest Scream As Blistered Skin Begins Sloughing Off +AMC Immediately Recloses After 7-Year-Old Who Ate Too Many Sour Patch Kids Pukes All Over Movie Theater Chair +California Police Relieved That Devastating Wildfires Forcing Families Out Of Homes For Them +‘Milwaukee Is A Great City On A Great Lake,’ Says Tom Perez Eating Digital Bratwurst During Virtual DNC Tour +DNC Speakers Can’t Believe They’re Giving Primetime Slot To Joe Fucking Biden +Iowa Crops Devastated After Big Fat Mama Hog Goes On Tear Through Cornfield +Years Of Therapy Give Girlfriend Unfair Advantage In Fight +Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri +St. Louis Couple That Brandished Guns At BLM Protestors To Speak At RNC +Donald Trump Pardons Susan B. Anthony +Manchester United Calls Up Top-Rated Hooligan From Development League +While Abraham Lincoln Was Great In Many Ways, We At OGN Must Examine His Troubling Legacy Of Never Playing Video Games +NASA Scientists Prank New Guy By Pretending They Don’t See The Moon +Economic Impact Of The Coronavirus Pandemic +Abusive Dad Mellows Out Into Emotionally Abusive Grandpa +‘Why Not?’ Asks New Glossier Ad Introducing Blush For Butt Cheeks +Apple Brings Back Pistol Emoji For Users Who Complete Gun Emoji Safety Course +Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies +Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans +Shaking, Bloody Zendaya Cuts ‘Daily Mail’ Tracking Device From Arm With Steak Knife +Scientists Say Greenland’s Melting Ice Sheet Is At Point Of No Return +Cat-Eared, Pink-Haired Bill Clinton Exhorts DNC Viewers To Donate For Access To Uncensored Version Of Speech +Republicans Speak At DNC +Dog Hopes He Doesn’t Get Stuck With Chatty Groomer Again +Meth Den Could Really Use Some Sprucing Up +Man Can’t Help Fly Stuck Inside Apartment If It Doesn’t Want To Be Helped +Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry +Uber, Lyft Prepare To Suspend Service In California +Voices That Always Whispered Founding Fathers’ Intent To John Roberts Now Telling Him To Slaughter U.S. Leaders, Seize Control Of Government +Trump Pushes False Kamala Harris Birther Conspiracy +NRA Declares Bankruptcy As More Americans Realize Martial Arts The Best Way To Defend Your Family +Short-Staffed NASA Sets Up Shifts For Everyone In Country To Take An Hour Looking Out For Asteroids Headed Toward Earth +Study Suggests Latte Art Could Represent Primitive Attempt By Barista To Communicate +Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation +High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized Classes +Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office +‘Fortnite’ Sues Apple Following App Store Ban +Firefighters Remove Duct-Taped Steve-O From Billboard +Trump Online Store Begins Selling Decommissioned USPS Mailboxes So Fans Can Own Piece Of History +Adam Silver Warns Player Against Leaving Bubble For Strip Clubs With Lackluster Talent +‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder +Eric Trump Tapes Karaoke Machine To Don Jr.’s Chest As Part Of Final Preparations To Spy On China +Ninja’s Back: Tyler Blevins Has Returned To Streaming On Twitch After Getting Some Cereal From The Pantry +New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’ +Magician David Blaine To Attempt Helium Balloon Stunt +WHO Urges People To Delay Routine Dental Exams +Annual Sturgis Biker Symposium Features Experts Presenting On Advancements In Bar Fight Weaponry +Apple Planning ‘Apple One’ Subscription Bundle Featuring Music, TV, Tim Cook’s Hearty Stew +Pros And Cons Of Canceling College Football +Pedophile Sucks Too Bad At ‘Fortnite’ To Actually Groom Any Relationships With Children +Federal Prisons Reinstitute Executions By Lethal Inflation +Elephant Can’t Believe Poachers So Obsessed With Its Tusks When It Has Such A Nice Ass +As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There +Phil Collins’ ‘In The Air Tonight’ Re-Enters Music Charts Following Viral Video +Smash Mouth Concert Could Be Super-Spreader Event +Trump Adds Another Knockout Nickname For Kamala Harris To List After Making Mark Meadows Cry +Candidate Profile: Democratic VP Nominee Kamala Harris +Conservatives Warn Radical Kamala Harris Will Impose Her Christian Beliefs On American Populace +NCAA Reminds Boosters That Full Bribes Still Due Even If Football Season Canceled +Biden Campaign Gets Kamala Harris Quickly Up To Speed On Candidate’s Plans For Presidential Funeral Service +27-Year-Old Transforms Into Pensive, Weathered Sage Moments After Sitting In Rocking Chair +Insatiable Media Begins Rampantly Speculating On Biden’s Choice Of Small Business Administration Chair After VP Question Answered +Gamer’s Fixation On Rayman Even More Unsettling For Not Being Sexual +Local School District To Require Students To Attend Online Classes At Massive, Open-Concept Computer Lab +TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids +Weirdly Pro-Life French’s Ad Says Embryo Can Taste America’s Favorite Mustard As Early As 6 Weeks +How To Fix The USPS Financial Crisis +Mauritians Use Hair To Help Contain Oil Spill +McDonald’s Sues Ousted CEO Alleging Relationships With Staffers +Devin Booker On Secret To Suns’ Bubble Success: ‘Phoenix Fucking Sucks’ +Chicago PD Condemns Black Lives Matter For Creating Violent Vortex Of Wind That Destroyed Property +Secret Service Escort Trump From Press Briefing To Fulfill Promise Of Letting President Watch Them Shoot Someone +Most Glorious Flames +Spotify To Stop Paying Artists For Time In Songs When They’re Not Singing +Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds +Eurovision Bringing Song Contest To America +13-Year-Old Mourns Loss Of Youth Upon Realizing He No Longer Feels Anything About Monster Trucks +Friend In Passenger Seat Working In Some Creative Flourishes In Ghostwritten Text Message To Driver’s Mom +New Zealand Marks 100 Days Without New Coronavirus Case +Robin Regurgitating Food For Chicks Makes Sure To Save Best Bites In Back Of Throat For Herself +Bad News: Toad Died +Documentary Filmmaker Strikes Gold Interviewing Huge Fucking Weirdo +Undecided Voter Looking Forward To Learning More About Donald Trump During Campaign +L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus +Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt +Italian Police ID Man Who Broke Toes Off 200-Year-Old Statue +Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange +New York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA +Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others +Cardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball +The Onion’s Guide To QAnon +‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat +NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun +Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic +Facebook Launches TikTok Competitor +U.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For One +Depressed Michelle Obama Purchases Copy Of ‘Becoming’ To Inspire Her +Aching Desire For One True Love Separated By Fate Still No Match For A Good Porkin’ +Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers +Orkin Introduces New Extinction Service For Eliminating Pesky Animal Species +Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security +Gamers, Please Give Us A Minute, We’re On The Phone With Ganondorf And It Sounds Like His Dad Was Hospitalized +Former Spanish King Goes Into Exile +2020 Census Count To End One Month Early +Don Henley Sues Both Presidential Campaigns For Not Using ‘Boys Of Summer’ +Couple Spices Up Love Life By Adding Sex Into Relationship +D.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetism +Desperate Trump Campaign Strategists Wondering How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Americans’ Fear Of Dentists +How To Save The World’s Melting Sea Ice +Herbalife Launches Sampler Kit Into Deep Space To Share Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Opportunity With Alien Civilizations +Evidence Shows National Weather Service Failed To Stop Devastating Storm Despite Having Advance Warning +Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement +FDA Expands List Of Dangerous Hand Sanitizers +Relieved Trump Administration Thankful To Finally Get Easy, Run-Of-The-Mill Hurricane Response To Fuck Up +Florida Teenager Faces 30 Charges For Alleged Twitter Hack +Deal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox +Virtuoso Consumer Flawlessly Exchanges Currency For Goods +NASA Astronauts Splash Down In Gulf Of Mexico +Cold, Distant Boyfriend Finally Opens Up About How Horny He Is +FBI Uncovers Plot Where JFK Was Buried +Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People +Fans Stunned After Adele Shares Photo Of Her Newly Molted Body +Ron DeSantis Cuts Phone Line Outside Nursing Home So No One Can Report Coronavirus Data +New Evidence Shows Sperm Swim ‘Like Playful Otters’ +Knowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot More +Man Confident He Would’ve Been Against Slavery If He Was Alive During 1960s +Flowers Left Over From Child’s Funeral Under Tremendous Pressure To Thrive +U.S. Praises Bolivian Leaders For Eliminating Voter Fraud By Refusing To Hold Elections +Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee +Tennessee Titans Face Coronavirus Outbreak +Highlights From The First 2020 Presidential Debate +Post-Debate Poll Finds Majority Of Viewers Agree America Was Waste Of Time +Stunned Pundits Criticize Trump For Refusing To Denounce His Base +‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals Victory +How Biden Can Beat Trump +Neighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Extremist Rhetoric +Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line +Falcon Sick Of Everyone Assuming He And Falconer Friends +Scientists Say Time Travel Without Paradoxes Theoretically Possible +ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamer Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic +‘That’s It, I’m Voting For Him,’ Says Undecided Voter Impressed By Poised Chris Wallace +Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage +Biden, Trump Meet In First Presidential Debate +California Firefighters Massage 2.5 Million Gallons Of Moisturizer Into Forests To Prevent Dryness +Nation To Take Five +White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October +Grandmother Hopes Leaving 600 Pounds Of Old Newspapers To Grandson Doesn’t Make His Cousins Jealous +Astronaut To Vote From Space +Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For President +Trump Nominates Judge Amy Coney Barrett To Supreme Court +GOP Says Giving Trump Second Term Would Be Christian Act Of Charity For Poor Elderly Man +BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained The IRS Tax Form 1040 +Panicked Woman Scrambles To Write Down ‘$750’ Before 24-Hour News Cycle Wipes Memory Clean +Republicans Argue Referring To Amy Coney Barrett As ‘Trump’s Court Pick’ Carries Deeply Anti-Catholic Undertones +Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble +FBI Demands Apple’s Assistance In Opening iPhone Packaging +Everything We Know About ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’ +Biden Removes ‘Defeating Trump’ From Platform To Avoid Alienating Swing Voters +Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park +Botticelli Portrait Expected To Sell For Over $80 Million +Epic Games, Spotify, Match Group Band Together To Fight Apple’s App Store Policies +The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services +Reporter Presses Biden On Lack Of Own Plan To Trigger Widespread Violence +Tom Perez Warns He Will Detonate Explosive Vest At Midnight Unless Democrats Meet Fundraising Goal +Bill Barr Declares Ipswich Middle School Anarchist Jurisdiction After Finding ‘Circle-A’ Symbol Drawn On Notebook Cover +Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit +‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant +Russia Arrests Cult Leader ‘Jesus Of Siberia’ +Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall +Fox News Slams Democrats For Repeatedly Attempting To Undermine Confidence In Autocratic System +California To Ban Sales Of New Gas-Powered Cars By 2035 +Literary Journal Founded By Couple Of College Acquaintances To Cease Publication +Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Undecided Voter Silently Crouching Inside Drain Pipe As Convoy Of Political Analysts Passes Overhead +Rob Manfred Confident MLB Doing Enough To Market Stars Like Mike Trout And The Japanese Guy +Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value +Rare Books Stolen In Heist Found Under House In Romania +Xi Jinping Critic Sentenced To 18 Years In Prison +Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election +New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda +Potential Outcomes For Ginsburg’s Vacant Supreme Court Seat +Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall +NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon +Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out +Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards +Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff +Trump Administration Names 3 Cities ‘Anarchy Jurisdictions’ +‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys +Earth Hopes Weird Burning Sensation Nothing Serious +CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It +Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside +Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him +Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters +Guy Who Asked For Personal Information Definitely Seemed Like Census Taker +Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored +National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine +Airlines Offer Flights To Nowhere +Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job +Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or Die +L.A. Mayor Unveils Push To End Homelessness By Sending Around Some Pretty Reasonable Zillow Listings +Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers +Wildfires Leave Portland With Worst Air Quality In World +Virtual 2020 Emmy Awards Will Be Live Event +Fox News Slams CNN For Providing Biden Each Question Seconds Before He Answered It +Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing ‘1946 Commission’ To Teach How America Started At President’s Birth +Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids +White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October +Effects Of Future Climate Change Migration +Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings +Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet +Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want +Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State +‘Scientific American’ Endorses Presidential Candidate For First Time In 175 Year History +Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding +The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team +Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind +Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean +New SVEN Initiative To Help Young Girls Become Swedish Scientists Who Ski Snowy Slopes +Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice +Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation +Madonna To Direct, Co-Write Her Own Biopic +Smoke From California Wildfires Creates Hazy Skies Nationwide +Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi +Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go +Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again +The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions +Apple Announces New Watch With Rabbit-Ear Antenna That Can Pick Up 5 Local Channels +Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring +Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal +2020 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade To Be Television-Only Event +LeBron Finally Reaches Western Conference Finals After 17 Seasons In League +Scientists Detect Potential Life On Venus +‘And These Are My Nobel Peace Prizes,’ Says Trump, Gesturing Toward Room Of Plastic Trophies +Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman +Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System +Man’s Weak, Impotent Sperm Once Again Held Back By Single Condom +Blazing Fall Color +NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape +Snake Lays Eggs Despite Not Being Near Male In 15 Years +Orcas Wage Attacks On Sailing Boats In Spain +Nation Infuriated Sunday Comic Strips Still Wildly Unsynchronized With Weekday Storylines +Deli Worker Searches For Palest, Mealiest Tomato To Put On Customer’s Sandwich +Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless +Man Assures Friend Watching ‘The Flintstones’ Series That He Just Has To Stick With It Through J.L. Gotrocks Arc +Police Officer Shuts Off Body Camera Out Of Respect For Dying Victim +Nation’s Action Heroes Demand Hackers Say It Again In English +The Onion’s Fall 2020 TV Preview +New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji +‘Keanu’ Rises In Ranks Of Popular Baby Names +Adam Gase Warns Jets Fans Not To Overreact To First 60 Years Of Franchise +Scaled-Back GOP Stimulus Bill Fails In Senate +Rockets Cite Advanced Statistics To Support Strategy Of Giving LeBron James Coronavirus +Small Town Relieved All Their Beloved Local Businesses Already Forced To Close Down Before Coronavirus Hit +Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Classmate +Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far +Gamers, This Might Be The Sambuca Talking, But ‘Fall Guys’ Is An Energetic Spin On The Battle Royale Genre +Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds +Ai Weiwei’s Niece Annoyed He Tried To Pass Off Another Used Bicycle Sculpture As Birthday Present +Los Angeles Walks Back Halloween Cancellation +Microsoft Debuts 2 New Xbox Consoles +‘I Decide When The Show Ends,’ Says Dead-Eyed Kris Jenner Driving Minivan Filled With Family Into Santa Monica Bay +Cash-Strapped Couple Forced To Share Bed +Woman’s Guilty Pleasure Just Sitting On Couch With Pint Of Ice Cream And Watching Man Shackled To Radiator Plead For Mercy +Every Character In 19th-Century Novel Really Worked Up About Some Guy Wearing A Yellow Cravat To Church +The Best NBA Players Of All Time +Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life +CDC Ordered To Incinerate Screaming, Boil-Riddled Test Subjects Before Releasing Vaccine Widely +Drugmakers Sign Vaccine Safety Pledge +Novak Djokovic Disqualified From U.S. Open +Paleontologist Wouldn’t Mind Excavating Site Near Decent Chophouse For Once +Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It +Russian Opposition Leader Vows Never To Eat At Tomsk Airport Café Again After Getting Nerve Agent Poisoning There +Public Health Experts Claim It’s Safe To Reopen Weird Little Private Schools Where They Have Class In Barn +Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover +Aliens Pointedly Ignoring METI Transmissions Thought Scientists Would’ve Gotten Hint By Now +God Selects Fall Interns +Americans Observe Labor Day +Exhausted Mike D’Antoni Spends Entire Off Day Drawing Up Play Where Russell Westbrook Makes Shot +DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day +Nation Could Really Use A Few Days Where It Isn’t Gripped By Something +Equifax Assures Woman That Drop In Credit Score Unrelated To Anything +Local Villagers Just Waiting Around For American Volunteers To Leave So They Can Rebuild School Correctly +Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet +Man Assures Self He’ll Leave Cult After Everyone Starts Having Sex But Before All The Really Bad Stuff +Acid Tab Feeling Lot Of Pressure To Present Tech CEO With Game-Changing Ideas For Disrupting Telecom Industry +Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here +Walmart Debuts Membership Program To Compete With Amazon Prime +Ice Cream Shop With Unlimited Free Samples Mentally Added To Growing Homelessness Contingency Plan +FBI Psychological Profilers Say Ritualistic Murders Suggest Serial Killer Totally Bananas +Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day +Nostalgia Trip: ‘Tony Hawk's Pro Skater’ Developers Confirm Remake's Only Change Will Be Every Character Knowing The Iraq War Happened +‘Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,’ Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus +BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window +Prince Harry And Meghan Markle’s Netflix Deal Plans +Realistic New Wildlife Campaign Just Asks Americans To Take A Good Last Look +Microsoft Unveils New Tech To Spot Deepfakes +Akon Unveils Plans For $6 Billion ‘Futuristic City’ +Man Unsure Why He Doesn’t Feel Like Shit Today +Excited Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Sign Deal With Netflix To Access Thousands Of Films, TV Shows For Just $8.99 A Month +Total Bullshit: OGN Can’t Review ‘Marvel’s Avengers’ Because We Forgot Our Parents Are Sending Us To Church Camp For 2 Weeks +Spotify Celebrates 100th Dollar Given To Artists +Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole +Raytheon Engineers Announce Successful Test Of New Drone On Mice +Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity +Iowa State To Allow 25,000 Fans Into Stadium For Football Game +Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession +Trump Visits Kenosha, Wisconsin Despite Pleas To Stay Away +Conscientious SUV Shopper Just Wants Something That Will Kill Family In Other Car In Case Of Accident +Tyler Perry Expands Empire Into Central Banking System With Launch Of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve +Vermonter Disgusted After Getting Glimpse Of Topless Bridge Out In Public +Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent +Friend Who Introduced Couple Not So High And Mighty Now That They’re Getting Divorced +Pros And Cons Of Congressional Term Limits +Child Beauty Experts Recommend Revitalizing Skin With Elmer’s Glue Peel +Appliance Shortage Hampers Labor Day Weekend Sales +Conspiracy Theorist Worried His Credibility Undermined By Trump Retweeting Him +Amazon Wins FAA Approval For Drone Delivery +Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist +FDA Promises To Fast-Track Cure For Side Effects Of Fast-Tracked Covid Vaccine +‘I Still Think The 1986 Boston Celtics Were Better,’ Says Bill Simmons Critiquing Wife’s Lasagna +Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree +Report: Majority Of Break-Ins Occur While Security Guard Watching Aerobics Video, Eating Big Bowl Of Chili +New Historical Evidence Reveals Ancient Mesopotamians Invented Concept Of Zero After Catching Sight Of Total Fucking Loser +Teachers Nationwide Resign, Retire Amidst Coronavirus Chaos +Netflix Prices Going Up +How Election Night Could Unfold +Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field +Where The Presidential Candidates Stand On Important Issues +HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas +Report: More Souls Deferring Entrance To Heaven For A Year To Backpack Through Spirit Realm +Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out +Coconut Milk Pulled From Shelves Over Forced Monkey Labor +Election Almost Over +Texas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election Range +Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Man Relieved Movie Won’t Be Too Scary After Character Assures Friend There No Such Thing As Ghosts +Authorities Urge Orange County Residents To Stop Building Additions Onto Homes Currently On Fire +Woman Heartbroken For All Shelter Pets Who Will Be Put Down Without Ever Being Dressed Like A Ghostbuster +9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out +Aspiring Actor Considers Giving Up After Struggling To Break Into Steven Spielberg’s House +Man Who Only Waited 15 Minutes To Vote Worried Experience Too Easy To Be Legitimate +New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly +New Coral Reef Discovered Off Australian Coast +The Onion’s State-By-State Election Guide +Timeline Of The 2020 Election Cycle +Country To Experience Rare Halloween Full Moon +Lines Come To Standstill Outside Wisconsin Polls After State’s Official Voting Pen Rolls Under Vending Machine +Man Falsely Imprisoned For 24 Years Granted Permission To Serve Out Remainder Of Term In New Wrongfully Accused Wing +Georgia GOP Defends Hours-Long Voting Lines As Perfect Amount Of Time To Slow Cook Pulled Pork +Hundreds Of Years Of Race, Class Privilege Allow Man Extra Legroom +American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President +Jay-Z Launches Cannabis Line +NASA Confirms Evidence Of Water On Moon +Old-School Baseball Fan Doesn’t Need Some Formula To Tell Him Which Players Have Best WAR, wOBA +Clayton Kershaw Insists He’s Still Fresh Enough To Melt Down Out Of The Bullpen +New Environmental Initiative Calls For Planting 20 Million New Earths +Man Sucked Down Obscure Internet Rabbit Hole Of Learning About Down-Ballot Candidates +New Parents Freaked Out Upon Learning That Babies Can Live Up To 100 Years +The Onion Looks Back At 199 Trimesters Of Reproductive Rights In America +Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks +Nxivm Cult Leader Faces Sentencing +Republicans Rushing To Confirm 6 More Supreme Court Justices Before Election +Armenia, Azerbaijan Announce They Will Only Agree To Ceasefire That Allows Them To Still Shoot Missiles At Each Other +U.S. Hits Record Coronavirus Cases 2 Days In A Row +Frustrated Habitat For Humanity Workers Forced To Shoo Jimmy Carter Out Of Yet Another House +Fed-Up Lifelong Conservative To Cast Vote For Biden, Family Member Inaccurately Reports +Wildfire Makes List Of Spots To Hit On Return Trip To California Next Summer +Veterans Affairs Secretary Struggling To Profit Off Of Underfunded Department +NASA Announces Moon Will Be Leaving Earth’s Orbit To Take On New Position With Bigger Planet +Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden +Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids +Study Finds Male Chimps Mellow With Age +Buccaneers Unnerved By Jason Pierre-Paul Celebrating Touchdowns By Lighting Fireworks On Sideline +Tampa Bay Awards Ceremonial First Pitch Of World Series Game To Stingray That Killed Steve Irwin +Lori Lightfoot Unveils Plan To Replace Chicago’s Public Transit System With Police +Average Overdraft Fees Reach Record High +Should Republicans Distance Themselves From Trump Or Double Down On Support? +Steve Mnuchin, Nancy Pelosi Announce Meeting To Put Finishing Touches On 1,000-Piece ‘Starry Night’ Jigsaw Puzzle +Trump Storms Back Into Interview While Leslie Stahl Eating Lunch At Home +Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator +Man Feels Like Girlfriend Hasn’t Been Putting Effort Into His Appearance Lately +David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes +Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes +Researchers Discover New Organ In Human Head +Trump Threatens To Leak Debate Video Online If Moderator Keeps Asking Unfair Questions +Miffed Biden Warns Trump’s Undignified Behavior Could Cost Him Cabinet Post +Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife +‘Fast & Furious’ Franchise To End After 11th Movie +Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like +Eagles Fan Starts Tailgating At 9 A.M. For Custody Hearing +Farmer’s Child Forced To Slaughter Pumpkin They Spent Season Caring For +Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End +Kansas National Guard Announces They’re Ready To Defend Against An Attack On Kansas At Any Time +Sesame Street Releases Educational Podcast For Children +Nation Glad To See Baseball Players Still Have Names Like Mookie Betts +NASA Spacecraft Collects Sample From Asteroid +Adam Gase Insists It Way Too Early To Think About Destroying Trevor Lawrence +Experts Predict Covid-19 Vaccine Could Be Ready As Soon As Team Of Sled Dogs Traverse Yukon With It +Trump Campaign Reminds Supporters To Make Voting Intimidation Plan +Sam Darnold Pissed He Forgot To Bench Self On Fantasy Team +New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now +Paleontologists Unearth Rare, Mint-Condition Triceratops Skull In Goodwill Bin +Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time +Potential Candidates For Biden’s Cabinet +Highly Informed Voter Has Spent Weeks Studying Trump, Biden Yard Signs +High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison +Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About +Archaeologists Discover Enormous Cat Figure At Nazca Lines Site +TSA Screens Over 1 Million Passengers For First Time Since March +ISIS Brat Hates Having To Keep Changing Schools Whenever Dad Gets New Deployment +Cynical Man Knows Biden Election Won’t Actually Solve Fundamental Problem Of His Plantar Fasciitis +New Store Going To Have To Earn Place On Strip Mall Sign +Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group +Jason Momoa Brings In Scene Double For Challenging Facial Expression +Zoo Awards Child Lifetime Membership For Helping Catch Lemur Thief +New Stimulus Bill Would Require All Americans To Mail Government $1,200 Check +States See Record-Breaking Turnout For Early Voting +Woman At Breaking Point In Marriage To Give Relationship Until End Of Her Life +NASA Builds 4G Tower On Moon Tastefully Disguised As Pine Tree +Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced +Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog +Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years +CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama +Ikea Introduces Buyback Program In 27 Countries +Federal Authorities Investigating Second Jetpack Sighting Over Los Angeles +The Case For And Against Confirming Amy Coney Barrett +Study Finds Giving CBD To Pet Fails To Address Root Issue Of Letting Crazed Monster Live In Your Home +Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket +Scientists Warn Florida Will Be Under 6 Feet Of Snakes By 2021 +YouTuber’s Third Video An Announcement Regarding Changes To Channel Moving Forward +Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women +Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Order It In For You +L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus +Dunkin’ Releases Ghost Pepper Donut For Halloween +Atlanta Braves Manager Reminds Team October Is Where Other Teams’ Legacies Are Made +Study Finds 87% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Prosecutors Embroiled In Late-Night Investigation +WWII Bomb Explodes During Disposal Operation +Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody Cocktail +Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk +Stranded Tourist Given Special Permission To Visit Closed Machu Picchu +U.S. Joins 7 Other Countries In Signing Artemis Accord For Moon Exploration +Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids +‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents +Report: Majority Of Astronauts Feel Deep Sense Of Hatred, Disgust Towards Humanity Upon Viewing Earth From Orbit +2020 Election: Key House Races To Watch +Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand +Mom’s Latest Halloween Decoration Just Rustic Wooden Sign That Says ‘Bones’ +Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure +Covid-19 Fears Causing Americans To Stockpile Again +Media Pledges Not To Prematurely Declare Election Winner Unless Viewers Start Losing Interest +Historic Number Of LGBTQ Candidates To Appear On November Ballots +How Trump Can Beat Biden +‘Well, They’re Harmless And They Help With Pests,’ Says Man Deciding Against Squashing Cat +Amazon Offers New Blank Box Upcharge For Progressive Members To Discreetly Receive Prime Orders +Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation +Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks +Paris Hilton Leads Protest To Shut Down Utah Boarding School +Jaime Harrison Sets $57 Million Senate Fundraising Record +‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth +Detective Still Haunted By Cold Case He Was Never Able To Pin On Minority +NASA’s Hubble Telescope Captures Rare Sight Of 2 Galaxies Mating +Total Collapse Of Democracy So Horrifying America Decides It Hasn’t Happened Yet +Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden +Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation +New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’ +Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months +Undecided Voter Still Hasn’t Made Up Mind As To Who Won NBA Finals +JPMorgan Chase Pledges $30 Billion To Address Racial Wealth Inequality +Fourth Championship Win Definitively Proves LeBron James Is An Active NBA Player +FBI Charges 6 In Violent Plot To Kidnap Michigan Governor +Hundreds Of Cane-Wielding Demonstrators Pull Governor Into Kickline To Protest Broadway Shutdown +Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants +Braves Manager Reminds Acuña That Being Hit By A Pitch Just How Pitchers Show They Like-Like You +Wisconsin Reports Zero Evidence Of Voter Fraud In Ballots They’ve Thrown Out So Far +Key Swing States In The 2020 Election +Hackers Obtain Data Of 45 Million Target Customers Revealing What They’ve Done In Store Bathrooms +South Carolina Protecting Voters From Covid-19 By Erecting Plexiglass Barrier Around Entire Urban Polling Place +Frisky Housewife Lets Revealing Robe Slip After Opening Door To Amazon Delivery Drone +Hurry Up! The First 100 OGE Attendees To Stop By The Nintendo Booth Today Will Get A Free Sample Of What Pikmin Taste Like +Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good +Tasmanian Devils Reintroduced To Australian Mainland +Someone Needs To Explain: The Upcoming Games In The ‘Mario,’ ‘GTA,’ and ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Series Are All Called ‘The Sands Of Time’ +Gronkowski Hits Electrotherapy Machine On Sidelines To Help Keep Brain Loose +Mike Pence, Kamala Harris Go Head To Head In Vice Presidential Debate +Nation’s Bashful Sources: ‘…’ +Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2 +American Populace Worried They're Not Likable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President +Travis Scott Pissed McDonald’s Never Sent Him Coupon Or Anything For Free Travis Scott Meal +Trump Prepares For Next Debate With Help Of Dexamethasone-Induced Hallucinations +Terrorist Group Benefactor Disappointed To Learn Most Of Donations Go To Covering Administrative Costs +DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day +Microsoft Has Revealed Master Chief’s Teeth And They Are Filthy +U.S. Border Patrol Agents Seize Over $1 Million Worth Of Counterfeit Viagra +Donald Trump Reprimanded For Continually Interrupting Harris, Moderator During VP Debate +Pence Instinctively Addresses Harris’ Husband In Audience During Debate Responses +Facebook Bans QAnon +Trump Family To Halt Big Bath They All Take Together Every Night During President’s Quarantine +Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1 +2020 Election: Key Senate Races To Watch +White House Staff Heartbroken By Sight Of Weak Trump Struggling To Yell Racial Slurs At TV +Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School +Appeals Court Opens Across The Street From Regular Court To Drum Up Business +Confused Army Corp Of Engineers Trying To Find Out What Big Blue Cable Connected To Country Does +Thousands Of Minks Die Of Coronavirus On Utah Fur Farms +Gamers, Are You Not Seeing All The Olives We Left Around The Expo Hall For You? Gotta Be Like 500 Dollars Worth Here, Be A Huge Waste If No One Eats Any +Come On, Man: Representatives From CD Projekt Red Are Completely Hogging All The Controllers At The Booth Where You Can Try Out ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Even Though It’s Their Own Game +Yikes: A Severely Overweight, Dead-Eyed Shigeru Miyamoto Showed Up To Our Gaming Festival 2 Days Late With His Eyebrows Shaved Off And Is Now Silently Wandering Around +Nobel Prize Awarded To Scientists Who Discovered Hepatitis C Virus +John Bolton Seething With Jealousy After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon +‘But If He Has My Voice, Then Whose Voice Do I Have?’ Murmurs John Cena Examining Own Talking Action Figure +Man Leaves Comments Section He’s Having Argument In To Quickly Skim Article For Supporting Facts +NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America +Insider Report Reveals Obama Tried Persuading Ginsburg To Die During His Presidency +Horse-Drawn Carriages Return To Central Park Following Covid-19 Break +Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE +Mother Fucker: Cliff Bleszinski Just Made Off From Our Conference With 10,000 Free EA Games Pens +Disney’s ‘Hocus Pocus’ Takes Second Place At Weekend Box Office 27 Years After Release +Doctors Concerned President Administering Own Care After Noticing Trepanation Holes In Trump’s Skull +Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV +Pope Denies Audience With Pompeo Citing Election +Report: Someone’s Got A Big Birthday Coming Up +Nike CEO Steps Down In Disgrace After Footage Emerges Of A Guy Running Really Slow While Wearing Their Sneakers +Small Town Ravished By Alejandro +Everything Is RUINED: Deborah Just Scheduled Her Video Game Expo For The Same Time As Ours Even Though We Already Opened Our Doors And Her Rich Parents Are Hiring Bobby Flay +Virtual Tour Of The OGN Conference +Major Letdown: Todd Howard Was Just About To Announce The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ When A Huge Rat Pulled Him Down Into Some Reeds And Now Everything Is Eerily Still +British Zoo Separates Parrots Caught Swearing At Visitors +‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus +Nation’s Bland, Ineffectual White Supremacists Waiting For Signal From Pence +Hope Hicks Exhausted After Another Day Packed Full Of Meetings +Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19 +Irish Court Rules Subway Bread Does Not Meet Legal Definition Of Bread +Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds +Report: This Article Successfully Pads Out Content Quota +Area Dad Just Sort Of Assumed He Could Build Treehouse +Mitch Trubisky Studying Game Tapes In Hopes Of Discovering What Bears Saw In Him In First Place +Court Approves $800 Million Settlement For Las Vegas Shooting Victims +Car Commercial Implying Some Sort of Link Between Owning Lincoln Corsair And Daughter Becoming An Astronaut +L.A. Mayor Allocates $20 Million For Beautification Of City’s Sidewalk Residents +FiveThirtyEight Employees Scrambling To Jolt Nate Silver Awake After He Traveled Too Far Into Undecided Voter’s Mind +Kamala Harris Admits She Only Supports Biden Because She Hates Trump +Lowe’s Unveils New Hide-A-House Disguised As Giant Plastic Boulder +Festive Corn Maze Misread By Aliens As Declaration Of Intergalactic War +Scientist Can’t Forgive Himself For Pressuring Mouse To Try Drugs For The First Time +Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet +Amnesty International Halts Work In India +NBA Figures They Garnered Enough Praise To Let All The Players Get Covid Now +Defensive Ron Howard: ‘You Try Making A Good Movie About Fucking Hillbillies’ +Man Wondering If Scene From ‘The Crown’ Where Queen Elizabeth Drinks Tea Actually Happened +Pope Francis Urges World To Give ‘The Newsroom’ Another Chance +12-Year-Old Admitted To Georgia Tech +Doctors Concerned As Hairline Fracture In Biden’s Foot Spreads Through Entire Skeleton +Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He Is +Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell +Pantene Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes Upon It +Cyber Monday By The Numbers +Annoying Coworker Keeps Sending After-Hours Emails That He's Trapped In Office Elevator +Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches +Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian +Introduction Of Giancarlo Esposito Suggests Main Character Now Totally Fucked +South Dakota Unveils New ‘Come Die Here’ Tourism Campaign +Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life +Nation’s Relatives Call For Little Zoom Tour Of Your Apartment +American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger +Nation Even More Unsure Than Usual Whether To Hug Cousin +Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving +Parents Allow Excited Children To Tear Open One Turkey For Thanksgiving Eve +Unexplained Metal Monolith Discovered In Utah +Biden Receives First Box Of Wadded-Up Napkins And Receipts Comprising Trump Intelligence Briefing +Brief Viewing Of BET Ushers Caucasian Into Alternate World Of African American Advertisements +Tommy Tuberville Slammed For Using Free Car, Auburn Cheerleaders To Recruit 5-Star Senate Intern +Gamers, We Pulled Some Strings And We’re Pleased To Announce That The Common Loon Is Now Officially The Gaming Bird +Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving +Millions Travel Home For Thanksgiving Despite CDC Warnings +Staff Slowly Introducing Biden To Oval-Shaped Rooms For Smoother Transition To White House +GM To Recall 7 Million Vehicles +Grief Psychologists Say Best Way To Cope With Death In The Family Is Dropping 50 In NBA Game +CDC Shuts Down Thanksgiving Travel By Carrying Out Simultaneous Attacks On All Of Nation’s Airports, Train Stations +Health Department Adds Steps To Heimlich Maneuver Poster Where Choking Victim Finishes Food They Coughed Up +Facts Carefully Redacted From Travel Story To Avoid Revealing It Mission Trip +Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy +Fauci Says Santa Immune To Coronavirus +Chris Christie Calls Trump’s Legal Team A ‘National Embarrassment’ +Historians Say That First Thanksgiving Wasn’t Total Fuckfest That’s Taught In Schools +‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference +Biden Announces Secretary Of Health And Human Services Will Be Ring Of Diverse Children Holding Hands +Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving +Coronavirus Optimistic New Mutation Will Be Widely Available To Public By Early Spring +Deal Alert: The Quantity Of Raw Plastic And Silicon That Makes Up An Xbox Series X Can Be Yours For Just $8.27 +How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey +Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit +Pope Francis’ Instagram Likes Photo Of Bikini Model +Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work +Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost +Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle +FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit +The Worst Sports Teams Of All Time +Report: You Were Lonely Before The Pandemic Started, And You’ll Be Lonely After It Ends +Man On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet Bill +Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North +The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability +Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire +40% Of Americans Plan To Attend Large Thanksgiving Celebrations +‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack +‘People’ Names Michael B. Jordan Sexiest Man Alive +Winners And Losers Of The 2020 NBA Draft +Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine +New California Law Reclassifies Outdoor Dining As Any Restaurant Located Outside +Omarion Figures He No Longer Famous Enough To Have To Leave Huge Tip +Desperate NBA Prospects Crowd Around List Taped To ESPN Bulletin Board To See Who Got Drafted +Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too +Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years +New Orleans Bans Mardi Gras Parades For 2021 +Report: 78% Of NBA Prospects Found After Scout’s Car Breaks Down Near Barn Where Kid Shooting On Netless Hoop +Man Not Sure If He’s Tying Condom Correctly +Dolly Parton Donation Helps Fund Coronavirus Vaccine +Terrified Woman Begs Murderer Not To Decrease Property Values In The Neighborhood +Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Man Yet Again +Highlights Of Obama’s New Memoir +Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Political Inaction +Nurse Hoping That Extra-Comfy ICU Bed Free When She's Admitted As Patient In 2 Weeks +Covid Denier Struggling To Protest State’s Incoherent, Constantly Changing Coronavirus Policies +New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site +Alaska Airlines Jetliner Strikes Brown Bear During Landing +‘Giannis To Hawks!’ Says Atlanta Fan Citing Twitter Account That Mostly Retweets Porn +Harry Styles Becomes First Man To Appear Solo On ‘Vogue’ Cover +GOP Leaders Begin Search For Prissy, Miserable Shithead Who Can Compete With Trump In 2024 +Hazardous Waste Facility Stuffs Batteries In Drawer Until They Figure Out What To Do With Them +Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore +Dustin Johnson Wins Masters Tournament +Governors Call On Gretchen Whitmer To Shut Down Their States So Residents Won’t Get Mad At Them +Private Eye Struggling To Meet Women Who Aren’t Suspect In Late Husband’s Murder +NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon +U.S. Sees Record High Covid-19 Hospitalizations +Review: The PS5 Is A Game-Changing Next-Gen Console That Santa Just Can’t Afford Right Now, Okay, Sport? +Boyfriend Announces Kneecap Apparently Worst Place To Get Shot +No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life +Man Who Laid It On Thick About Quitting Job Not Such Hot Shit During Pandemic +Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter +Ah, Shoot: We Forgot To Drain Our Xbox Over The Weekend And Now All The Game Fluid Leaked Out +Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night +Ring Recalls 350,000 Doorbells After Several Catch Fire +Parents Cheer As 8-Year-Old Son Chokes Out Opponent In UFC Jr. League Match +What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House +Pence Creates Exploratory Committee To Find More Charismatic Candidate To Attach Self To In 2024 +Global Measles Cases Reach 23-Year High +Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals +Fans Concerned After Oprah’s Favorite Things List Just 6-Pack Of Miller Lite +N.Y. Jets Sued For Millions After Using Unlicensed Cheering Sounds From Other Teams +Michelle Obama Fuming After Barack Also Titles New Memoir ‘Becoming’ +Irresponsible Neighbor Having Ton Of People Over During Pandemic +Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets +Failed Art Restoration Draws Calls For Stricter Oversight +The Must-Have Xbox Series X Launch Titles +Britney Spears Loses Bid To Remove Father As Conservator +‘So, Do You Play?’ Asks Girlfriend’s Little Brother, Gesturing Grandly To Ping-Pong Table +Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy +Jared Goff, Rams Come To Terms On 2-Year Contract Reduction +Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage +New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope +‘Full House’ Home Purchased For $5.35 Million +‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air +Apologetic Man Regrets Driving Wedge Into Country By Voting +CDC Issues Updated Thanksgiving Guidelines +Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals +Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses +Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame +History Of Presidential Transitions Of Power +Jeff Bezos Wears Disguise To Secretly Assess Whole Foods Employees +Asshole Monk Hogging Meditation Spot Under Waterfall For Whole Hour Now +Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom +Mother Bear And Cub Shot Attempting To Board Nuclear Submarine +McDonald’s To Launch ‘McPlant’ Meat Alternative +Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud +Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament +Fucking Big Shot Chef Over Here Announces Plans To Smoke Turkey This Year +Report: 70% Of Republicans Believe Election Hasn’t Happened Yet +OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider +Michigan Woman With 14 Sons Gives Birth To Daughter +Alex Trebek Politely Listens To Lame Anecdote About Time Archangel Saw Bear +Joe Biden Announces Coronavirus Task Force +Nation Hopeful For Better Future Where Activist Celebrities Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up +Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus +Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night +Media Glad It Can Finally End Half-Assed Charade Of Trying To Understand American Populace +Pastor To Justin Bieber, Other Celebs Fired For ‘Moral Failures’ +QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden +Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now +Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son +Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment +Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus +Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win +‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask +The Must-Have PS5 Launch Games +Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over +Kosovo President Steps Down To Face War Crimes Charges +Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream +Pros And Cons Of Political Polling +Libya Hit With ‘Gargantuan’ Hail +Utah Votes To Remove Slavery As Punishment For Crime From Constitution +Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate +Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings +Nation Never Wants To See Color Red Or Blue Ever Again +Democratic Strategists Hold Screening Of ‘Three Amigos’ In Order To Better Understand Latino Culture +Hundreds Of Shelter Cats And Dogs Flown From Hawaii To Mainland For Adoption +Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants +Passed California Ballot Measure Allows Uber, Lyft To Categorize Workers As Car Parts +Amy McGrath Blows Remaining Campaign Funds On Lavish Concession Bonanza +‘How Can They Expect Me To Focus Today?’ Asks Man Putting In Usual Half-Assed Effort At Work +Nation Sees Fundamental Realignment In Which Voting Demographics Should Be Demonized +History Of Contested U.S. Elections +Johnny Depp Loses Libel Case Against British Tabloid +Newly Elected QAnon Congresswoman Worried She Selling Out By Working With Pedophile Cabal +Woman Loads Up On Discounted Voting Machines Day After Election +Whale Sculpture Saves Train From Crashing +CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt +Flustered Wolf Blitzer Cuts To Malaysian Airplane Coverage To Distract From Lack Of Concrete Results +Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Results +Man Buys Couple Boxes Of Mac And Cheese In Case Society Descends Into Blood-Soaked Pandemonium +InfoWars Offers Readers Guide To Staying Psychotic, Violent During Stressful Election Day +‘Baby Shark’ Becomes Most-Viewed Youtube Video Of All Time +Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins +Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This +Burger King, Popeyes Introduce ‘Predictive Selling Technology’ +Poland Enters Day 12 Of Nationwide Protests Following Abortion Ruling +Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy +Woman Hopes She Did Enough Worrying To Help Biden Campaign +Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name +Leopard Mauls Man Who Paid To Have Pictures Taken +This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists +Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See +5,000-Foot Ball Of Discarded Packaging Material Barrels Across Nation Consuming Everything In Path +How To Navigate The Holidays Alone +Logistics Of Eating Oversized Candy Cane Completely Overwhelming +Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’ +The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer +Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021 +‘Come Home For Christmas Now,’ Whispers Dad As Enraged Mom Rips Stove, Dishwasher From Wall +The 4 Other Human Beings We Saw This Year +Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle +How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas +Humane Trap-And-Removal Program Sedates Tenants So They Unconscious During Eviction +Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day +State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions +Study: Christmas Still Most Unoriginal Day To Commit Suicide +Boat Filled With Cocaine Washes Ashore On Marshall Islands +‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall +Recently Discovered Orchid Named Ugliest In The World +The Onion’s Holiday TV Guide: Movies And Shows To Watch This Season +Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad +Major League Baseball Adds Negro Leagues To Official Record +Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Everyone Is Forgetting How To Play Video Games +Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s Genitals +Remote-Learning Student Praying It Snows Enough To Bring Down Internet Lines To Cancel School +MacKenzie Scott Donates $4.1 Billion To Charity +The Biggest Hints Our Sweetheart Dropped In 2020 That She’s A Selkie, The Woman-Seal Hybrid From Celtic Folklore +Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame +Man Wins $800,000 Playing Same Numbers On 160 Lotto Tickets +Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately +Largest Snowstorm Of Year To Hit Northeast This Week +CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It +Baker Mayfield’s Commercial Agent Furious He Continues to Risk Everything By Playing Football +‘Shrek,’ ‘Dark Knight’ Added To National Film Registry +Barr Steps Down To Pursue True Passion Full-Time As The K-Street Strangler +CDC Announces Vince Neil Will Be First Member Of Mötley Crüe To Get Covid Vaccine +PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves +‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Developers Offer Refund For Glitchy Game +PornHub To Delete All Content It Can’t Verify Is Really Between Stepson And Stepmother +Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List +First Batch Of Pfizer Coronavirus Vaccine Shipped Across Country +Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020 +Sarah Fuller Becomes First Woman To Score In Power Five Football Game +Lab Assistant Who Accidentally Poked Self While Preparing Syringe Becomes First American To Receive Covid-19 Vaccine +Our Annual Year: Best Of January +Our Annual Year: Best Of February +Our Annual Year: Best Of March +Our Annual Year: Best Of April +Our Annual Year: Best Of May +Our Annual Year: Best Of June +Our Annual Year: Best Of July +Our Annual Year: Best Of August +Our Annual Year: Best Of September +Our Annual Year: Best Of October +Our Annual Year: Best Of November +Our Annual Year: Best Of Sports +Our Annual Year: Best Of Entertainment +Our Annual Year: Best Of The Topical +Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network +Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World +Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology +Habits Of Silicon Valley’s Most Powerful Fortune 500 CEOs +Christmas Tree Farmer Scatters Sack Of Candy Canes Before Ravenous Douglas Firs +Decorating Your Home For The Holidays +Erectile Dysfunction, Depression Medications Recalled After Packaging Mixup +‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters +‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins +Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And Just Beat The Shit Out Of Scrooge +Man With 90-Year Sentence For Marijuana Released From Prison +FTC Calls For Facebook To Break Up Married Couple’s Weird Shared Account +Highlights Of The Massive Antitrust Lawsuit Against Facebook +All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month +Mom Flatly Informs 30-Year-Old Son He’s Getting 3 Sweaters And A Nintendo Switch For Christmas +Guy Fieri Raises $21.5 Million For Unemployed Restaurant Workers +Pantone Unveils 2 Colors Of The Year For 2021 +Taylor Swift Fans Furious After Artist Excluded From ESPN’s List Of Best NBA Players Of 2020 +New Instant Pot Comes With Recipe Book For Easy Weeknight IEDs +What To Know About The Georgia Senate Runoffs +CDC Announces Everyone Who Will Receive Vaccine Has Already Been Notified +Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals +Man Named William Shakespeare Is One Of First in England to Receive Coronavirus Vaccine +Mysterious Illness Hospitalizes 300 In India +Aspiring Lobbyist Gets Foot In Door As State Senator +Boyfriend’s Crumbling Mess Of A Life Provides Woman With Rich Array Of Christmas Gift Ideas +How To Create Beautiful Lighting In Your Home +Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine Rollout +Jared Fogle Says Prison Has Made Him Realize How Wrong He Was To Endorse Subway +Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s +Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama +Floyd Mayweather, Logan Paul To Face Off In February Boxing Match +‘I Am Immortal!’ Screams 90-Year-Old British Woman Embarking On Epic Post-Vaccination Bender +Trout Offended Fly Fisherman Would Just Throw Him Back Like That +Bob Dylan Sells Entire Songwriting Catalog To Universal Music +Desperate VH1 Greenlights New Reality Show ‘Basketball Acquaintances’ +‘Diana’s There, On Netflix!’ Shout British Paparazzi Reflexively Ramming Car Into TV +Woman Just Needs To Break Irresponsible Financial Habit Of Going Bankrupt, Living On Street +Rest Of Zoom Call Can Only Imagine Carnival Of Forbidden Mysteries Surrounding Coworker With Camera Turned Off +‘The Virus Dies With Me!’ Shouts Covid-Infected Giuliani Clambering Into Hospital Incinerator +Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud +Epic Games Cancels All In-Person Fortnite Tournaments For 2021 +Georgetown Hospital Staff Saddened By Elderly Patient Repeatedly Insisting He Used To Be America’s Mayor +AppleTV+ Series Used Unlicensed Doctor To Test Actors For Covid-19 +2020 Was Most Active Atlantic Hurricane Season On Record +‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’ +Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating +Report: Majority Of Psychological Experiments Conducted In 1970s Just Crimes +Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt +Volunteer Sustains Serious Injuries From Tiger Attack At Carol Baskin’s Big Cat Rescue +Stir-Crazy Nick Saban Builds Assistant Coach To Scream At In Quarantine +Google AI Zones Out While Being Trained On Mandatory Racial Sensitivity Data Set +Fantasy Football Week 13: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Singapore Approves First Lab-Grilled Chicken +Obama Volunteers To Inject Vaccine, Eat Ghost Pepper, Get Bitten By Tarantula Live On New YouTube Channel +Pros And Cons Of Prosecuting Trump After His Presidency +CDC Introduces New Expedited Quarantine Period Of 3-5 Business Days For $29.99 +Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape +U.S. Narrows Scope Of Service Animals Allowed On Planes +White House Dishwasher Not Sure Why Trump Keeps Offering Him Pardon +Rob Gronkowski Thrilled After Purchasing Rare, Game-Worn Rob Gronkowski Jersey +Dictionary.com Names ‘Pandemic’ Word Of The Year +Jimmy Carter On Covid Vaccine: ‘There’s No Way In Hell I’m Letting Them Put That Thing In Me’ +Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant +Food Critic Has Late Night Hankering For Liquid Nitrogen-Frozen Raviolo Balloon +William Barr Celebrates Holidays By Giving Lethal Injections To Those Less Fortunate +The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry +Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside +Scientists Use Facial Recognition Technology To Track Bears +NFL Suspends Steelers Roster For Breaking Coronavirus Protocol By Playing Ravens +CDC Advisers Vote On Who Will Get Covid-19 Vaccine First +Concerns About Nuclear Iran Grow After Periodic Table Poster Spotted In Tehran High School +Fact-Checking ‘The Crown’ +Barr Announces No Widespread Election Fraud After Clicking Warning Label On Flagged Trump Tweets +‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear +DOJ Vows To Prosecute Any Pay-For-Pardon Offers Trying To Lowball President +Ungrateful Pricks On Sidewalk Not Even Glancing At Christmas Tree Placed In Window To Bring Them Holiday Cheer +Panhandler Really Appreciates It When People Make A Big Show Out Of Patting All Their Pockets +Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon +New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64 +Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved +Former Astronaut To Be Sworn In As U.S. Senator +Trump Reduced To Filing Lawsuit To Overturn Single Ballot In Placerville, Idaho +Missing Boater Found Alive 86 Miles From Coast +Jacksonville Couple Successfully Mates To Help Save Endangered Jaguars Fan Base +Police Warn Onlookers Not To Enter Active Crime Scene Cover-Up +Inside The Sacred Temple Where People Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year +Ken Jennings To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’ +Shutdown Cost U.S. Economy $11 Billion +First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit Suicide +Parenting Experts Warn Screen Time Greatly Increases Risk Of Child Becoming An Influencer +Parents’ Visit Injects $66 Into Local Apartment Economy +Record-Breaking Cold Grips Midwest +Jimmy Carter Concerned Desire For Fresh Faces In Democratic Party May Hurt His Chances In 2020 +New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Confirms Season 8 Will Reveal Identity Of Sword-Covered Chair +T-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of Your Apartment +Roger Stone Open To Cooperating With Mueller +Man’s Wife Dies Of Cancer Just Like In The Movies +Super Bowl LIII: Key Storylines To Watch +U.S. And Taliban Agree To Framework For Peace Deal +Minnesota Resident Thinking Of Finally Packing It All Up And Moving Someplace Warm Like Michigan +Dick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006 +Sean McVay Reveals Bill Belichick Occasionally Texted Him Photos Of Dead Animals After Games +Report: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump Campaign +Older Cafeteria Monitor Not A Teacher Or Parent Or Anything +‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back +Sequel To Original ‘Ghostbusters’ Being Made +Disney Announces ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ Will Feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, And All The Rest Of Your Favorite Touchstone Pictures Characters +Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him +Nuclear, Climate Threats Keep Doomsday Clock Close To Midnight +USDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During Shutdown +Taliban Agrees To Peace Deal Despite Concerns About America’s Human-Rights Record +New Evidence In Murder Case Leads Authorities To Narrow Down List Of Possible Actors Who Could Play Killer +340 Million Social Security Numbers Obtained By Federal Government In Massive Personal Data Breach +Howard Schultz Considering Independent Presidential Run After Finding No Initial Support Among Any Voter Groups +Local Brother-In-Law Heard You Can Make Shitload Of Money Doing That +Record Number Now Consider Climate Change Personal Issue, Poll Finds +Grandma’s #MeToo Stories Fucking Horrifying +Government Reopens +Jared Kushner Assures Reporters He Never Revealed State Secrets Without Turning Huge Profit +Tony Romo Realizes He Should Have Used Ability To Read Defenses Back When He Was Still Playing +Marine Biologists Train Highly Intelligent Octopus To Profitably Manage Mid-Size Aluminum Goods Supplier +Taxation In America: Myth Vs. Fact +Growing Number Rely On Traditional Outlets Amidst Growth In Fake News +‘The Conners’ Scores Big Ratings By Killing Off Rest Of Family +E.L. James Admits New Erotic Novel Originally ‘Tiny Toons’ Fan Fiction +YouTube Bans Dangerous Prank Videos +Emaciated Peter Alexander Burns Podium For Warmth After Being Locked In Abandoned Press Briefing Room Since December +Teen Weirded Out After Running Over English Teacher Outside Of School +Masked Vigilante Takes Terrorizing Black Community Into Own Hands After Local Law Enforcement Fails To Do So +Roku Pulls ‘Infowars’ Channel Following Complaints +Study: No Two People Have Listened To Same Band Since 2003 +Rejection From Hall Of Fame Sends Roger Clemens Spiraling Into Performance-Enhancing-Drug Binge +Most Anticipated TV Shows Of 2019 +Doctors Assure Recovering Patient He Has Many More Years Of Looking At Phone Ahead Of Him +‘The Favourite,’ ‘Roma’ Top Oscars Nominations With 10 Each +Study: 30% Of People Who Quit Smoking Relapse After Shakily Raising Cigarette Up To Lips When Agreeing To Turn State’s Evidence +Self-Conscious Puppet Has No Idea What To Do With Hands +Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor’s Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals +Super Bowl Set For Rams-Patriots +Giuliani: ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’ +Kamala Harris Enters 2020 Race +Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up +Viral Video Sparks National Debate Around Drumming In Public +Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers +Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory +Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24 +Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown +Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex +Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him +Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain +Nation Celebrates MLK Day +Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History +Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists +Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings +Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor +Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game +ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer +ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8 +Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months +Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water +Yahoo! Turns 25 +Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy +John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden +‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together +Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown +Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton +Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents +Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks +This The Fuck Harness Sex Shop Worker Has At Home +Netflix Raising Prices +Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What +U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal +Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez +Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over +Pretentious Woman Refers To Slam Piece As ‘Partner’ +Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post +Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About +Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance +Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe +GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment +Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along +NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood +Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America +Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet +FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians +Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job +Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment +Poll: Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown +‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over +GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee +Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government +Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing +R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over +Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs +Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives +Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up +CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks +It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It +New Year’s Resolution +Chicago Will Elect First Black Woman Mayor +25-Year-Old Man No Longer Impressed By Mewtwo +Kim Jong-Un Panics After Returning To North Korea To Find Country’s Populace Has Escaped +Offended Mark Meadows Reminds Colleagues He Never Once Complained About Capitol’s Integrated Drinking Fountains +Jim Jordan Spends Hearing Demanding Michael Cohen Accept Blame For Covering Up Sexual Abuse Of Ohio State Wrestlers +Engineers Still Unable To Produce Styrofoam Cup Without Little Center Nub Sticking Out From Bottom +House Votes Against Trump’s National Emergency On Grounds That Only Congress Allowed To Misappropriate Funds +‘Breaking Bad’ Movie In The Works +Mueller Gives Up Trying To Get Report Published After Receiving 19th Literary Agent Rejection +Poor Attendance At Intervention A Real Wake-Up Call +Trump, Kim Meet In Hanoi Summit +Teen’s Natural Drive To Murder Sexual Rivals Successfully Channeled Into ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Victory +Pros And Cons Of Congestion Pricing +Cervical Cancer Could Be Eliminated In Most Countries By 2100 +Bernie Sanders Pledges To Release Ten Years Of Tax Returns +Trump Solemnly Lays Wreath At Site Where He Would Have Died During Vietnam War If He Weren’t Rich +Man Starting To Think Only Reason People Hanging Out With Him Because They All On Same Jury +Catholic Church Brings In New Perspective On Solving Abuse Scandal With Appointment Of Toddler Bishop +White House Convenes Panel Of Scientists To Make Case That Trump Capable Of Crushing Train With Bare Hands +Man Worried He Stuck In Endless Cycle Of Drinking, Partying, And Having Good Time +Brexit Could Be Delayed Until 2021 +Mom Decides Enough Time Has Passed To Lose Touch With Paramedic Who Saved Son’s Life +‘Green Book’ Wins Best Picture Oscar +Mike Pence Criticizes Venezuela’s Use Of Torture, Starvation On Non-Homosexual Citizens +Netanyahu Defends New Alliance With Israel’s Far-Right Aryan Supremacy Party +MLB Players Association Advises Remaining Free Agents To Try Adding Keywords Like ‘Baseball’ To Resumés +Nation Still Outraged 1933 Best Picture Went To ‘Cavalcade’ Instead Of ‘Lady For A Day’ +So-Called ‘Atheist’ Doesn’t Even Barge Into Churches Screaming ‘You’re All Brainwashed Fools’ +FDA Warns Of Using Young People’s Blood To Prevent Aging +Sweating, Exhausted Christian Bale Stumbles Past 13-Mile Marker On Oscars Red Carpet +Most Memorable Oscars Speeches Of All Time +Pope Francis Holds Sex Abuse Summit +‘T. Rex May Be Smaller Than Previously Thought,’ Report 50-Foot-Tall Researchers +PlayStation CEO Predicts ‘Post-Console’ World +Chicago Police Credit Their Extensive Experience Falsifying Evidence For Helping Solve Smollett Case +Teen On Verge Of Either Joining ISIS Or Getting Super Into Rollerblading +Trump Demands William Barr Prove Loyalty By Putting Gun In Mouth, Pulling Trigger +Stock Market Soars After Investors Decide That Would Be Fun Thing To Make Happen Today +Diamondbacks Settle Long-Standing Civil Suit With Offspring Of Bird Hit By Randy Johnson’s Fastball +Mueller Probe May End Next Week +Spanx Introduces New Line Of Smoke Bombs For Concealing Unwanted Bumps And Bulges +Unclear Why Stagehand Wrote Heartfelt Little Notes To Everyone In Cast +Sweating CornNuts VP Stammers Way Through Pitch For ‘Nutsarito’ At Taco Bell +Pope Francis Offers Molested Kids 10% Off At Vatican City Gift Shop +Dog Can’t Believe Owner Left On Fucking MSNBC To Keep It Company While She At Work +Mueller Admits A Smarter President Would’ve Totally Found Way To Stop Investigation By Now +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Supreme Court After Surgery +Bernie Sanders Announces 2020 Bid +‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet +Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother +‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday +Coca-Cola Releases New Orange Vanilla Flavor +Dole Reveals One Cantaloupe Out There Contains $10 Million Check +Trump Agrees To Wear Wire To Take Down Roger Stone +Man Competitive About How Depressed He Is +Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s Basilica +Biggest Snubs In Oscars History +MTA Urges Riders To Stop Taking Disabled Passengers +Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House +Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him +Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela +Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers +Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 +‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary +‘Aquaman 2’ Announced +Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager +U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal +Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation +Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones +Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency +Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation +Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution +Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring +Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore +Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency +Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children +Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises +Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day +Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It +Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches +Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day +El Chapo Given Life Sentence +Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti +Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain +Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night +Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal +Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life +Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard +‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer +Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide +Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped +Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence +Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House +Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems +Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator +Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid +Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name +Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County +Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness +Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash +Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans +LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team +Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life +Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’ +Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ +Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her +‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down Nude Photos +Study: Vaping Better Aid To Quit Smoking Than Gum Or Patches +Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered +Adam Silver Sends League-Wide Memo Just Asking Players Where The Fuck They Want To Play +Bryce Harper Asks If Phillies Willing To Move To Another City +2018 Fourth-Hottest Year On Record +Myth Vs. Fact: Wine +Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This +‘Hurry, There’s A Violent Black Woman Attacking My Daughter,’ Says Cindy McCain To Police While Watching ‘The View’ +Hawaii Could Increase Legal Age Of Smoking To 100 +MIT Teaches Robot How To Play Jenga +Homicide Detective Wishes He Could Go One Case Without Having To Solve Elaborate Riddle +Pedestrian Crossing Street Makes Sure To Look At Approaching Car So Driver Will Feel More Guilty If They Run Him Over +Exclusive TSA Pre-Check Allows Passengers To Fly Without Waiting For Airplane +Trump Delivers State Of The Union +Ralph Northam Admits He Once Engaged In Pedophilia As Part Of Michael Jackson Costume +Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse +Disconcerted Woman Has No Memory Of Telling Dressing Room Attendant Her Name +Report: Papa Will Be So Very Cross You’ve Lost Grandfather’s Hunting Cap +Lonely Elderly Man Visits Pond To Pelt Ducks With Rocks +The Onion’s 2019 Grammy Predictions +Study Finds Sedentary Lifestyle Puts Millions Of Americans At Risk Of Becoming Beautiful Just The Way They Are +Ben Affleck To Leave Role Of Batman +Cold Panic Grips Stacey Abrams As Trump Begins Delivering Speech Almost Identical To One She Wrote +Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address +Trump Claims Greatest Threat Facing Nation Toys Coming To Life While Owner Not In Room +Top Democrats Call On Virginia Governor To Resign +Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election +Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups +New ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists +City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die +Elizabeth Warren Apologizes For DNA Test +Reconstruction Finally Completed On Field Destroyed By United Flight 93 +Kanye West Named New Face Of Yeezy +Venezuela President: U.S. Invasion Would Be Worse Than Vietnam +Every Baby Boomer In Country Urged To Resign After Photos Emerge Of Them In Blackface +7 Total Randos Found Dead +Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job +Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park +Report: What’s A Pretty Lady Like You Doing Around An Article Like This? +U.S. Falls In Annual Global Corruption Rankings +Report: It The Part Of Night Where Everyone Just Sort Of Goes Around And Remembers Commercials They Liked +Sean McVay Begs Mother To Let Him Stay Up To Coach Rest Of Super Bowl +Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System +Jared Goff Pissed He Had To Miss Friend’s Super Bowl Party For Work +‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl +Nurse Tells Wheelchair-Bound, Concussed Rob Gronkowski He’s At The Super Bowl With All His Friends +Inexperienced Puppy Bowl Team Still Hasn’t Opened Eyes Yet +Screen Time Bad For Toddler Development +Cory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About Them +Myth Vs. Fact: Preventing And Treating Colds +Crowd Feeling Kind Of Silly Now After Spending All That Time Pleading Rooftop Sniper Not To Jump +Democrats Pick Georgia’s Stacey Abrams To Give State Of The Union Rebuttal +New Mom Self-Conscious About Scar Where Baby Punched Its Way Out Of Stomach +Conservation Program Helps Struggling Rhinos Adapt To Modern Ecosystem By Retraining Them As Urban Scavengers +Disney Estate Uncovers Cache Of Anti-American Cartoons Intended For Release If Axis Won WWII +Bin Laden Vineyard Falling Into Disrepair +‘The Matrix’ Turns 20 +Goose Thinking Of Migrating Home A Couple Weeks Early To Avoid The Crowds +Self-Actualized Historians Urge Nation Not To Get Hung Up On The Past +Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Buster’s +God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s +I Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On Me +Family Members Locked In Heated Bidding War To Convince Cat To Sleep In Their Bed +Military Recruiter Fondly Recalls When He Was Just A Naïve Kid Being Coaxed Into Making Binding 8-Year Commitment To Fill Quota +Pros And Cons Of Banning Bottled Water +Trump Boys Defend Sending Saudi Arabia Plans For Cool Missile On Personal Etch A Sketch +Bend In Road Not Sharp Enough To Merit So Many Roadside Memorials +Total Weirdo Leading Bracket Pool After Picking Teams She Analyzed And Predicted Would Beat The Others +Apple Unveils Video Streaming Service +ISIS Fighter Dreading Smug Looks From Hometown Friends Who Told Him Caliphate Sounded Like Dumb Idea +EPA Reveals 37% Of Water Waste Nationwide Caused By Husky Kids Doing Cannonball Into Country Club Pool +Embarrassed Comcast CEO Just Tells People He Does Digital Media Stuff +Michael Avenatti Arrested For Attempted Extortion Of Nike For $20 Million +Liberal Feels Like Idiot For Placing Entirety Of Hopes On Mueller Probe Instead Of New York Prosecutors’ Investigation +U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village +National Friends Alliance Vigorously Defends Right To Have Great Time Palling Around With Buddies +Shocked Vladimir Putin Slowly Realizing He Didn’t Conspire With Trump Campaign +Finland World’s Happiest Country In 2019 +Doctor Alarmed By How Little Time Family Needed To Decide To Pull Plug On Grandfather +Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller +Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been +William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement +Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says +Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands +Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On Masturbating +Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia +‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy +Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup +Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress +Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society +Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 +MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap +Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production +Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies +Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report +Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade +Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff +Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands +None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine +Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century +Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising +Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account +Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle +Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration +Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt +Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging +One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port +Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting +Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill +Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper +Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants +Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia +Facebook: ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ +Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time +Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk +Officials: Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes +Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There +Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle +NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal +KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 +God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos +Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say +Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% +How FEMA Responds To Disasters +Report: More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel +Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries +Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything +Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child +Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 +Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign +California Halts Death Penalty +2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk +Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy +Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family +World Wide Web 30 Years Old +Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head +Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout +‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors +Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income +50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal +Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns +Report: Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia +Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game +‘Cops’ Turns 30 +Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck +Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts +USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background +Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push +China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash +Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning +New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ +Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors +Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap +Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did +New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount +Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice +U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment +Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him +Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack +‘New York Times’ Corrects Story By Admitting They Burned Venezuela Aid Convoy +CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter +DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox +Scholars Say Constitution Is Open To Differing Interpretations Because Nobody Can Read That Crazy Script +Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom +Paul Manafort Given 47 Months In Prison +Bored Iowa Town Trying To Convince Kirsten Gillibrand It Local Tradition To Eat Live Tarantula +NASA Plans First All-Female Spacewalk +What’s In The Green New Deal +Limited-Edition Russet Potato Comes With Certificate Of Authenticity +Mario Batali Leaves Restaurant Group +‘The Bachelor’ Accused Of Leveraging His Power As A Reality TV Star To Lure 30 Women To California Mansion +Baby Feels Foolish After Realizing Stranger Waving At Toddler Next Seat Over +Scientists Genetically Engineer Lab Rat Predisposed To Think Anything Wrong With It Might Be Cancer +Woman Nervous For Boyfriend To Meet Person She Becomes Around Parents +Notre Dame Scandalized After Booster Caught Offering Plenary Indulgences +HIV Cured In Second Patient Ever +Scientists Pinpoint Part Of Brain All Your Hair Grows Out Of +Senate Has Votes To Overturn Trump Emergency Declaration +Tabloid Reveals Pete Davidson, Kate Beckinsale Only Dating As PR Stunt To Promote New York Rangers +Michael Jackson Estate Questions Why Accusers Only Coming Forward Steadily Since Early 1990s +Man In Rental Car Spends 20 Minutes Trying To Find Steering Wheel +Pantone Intern Starstruck After Meeting Designer Behind Sand Dollar 13-1106 +How GOP Leaders Go From Being #NeverTrump To Trump Supporters +Demonic Spirit Claws Way Out Of Hell To Flicker Lights, Throw Some Silverware Around +Report Finds Child Poverty Could Be Cut In Half In Just 10 Years With Significant Investment +PlayStation Vita Officially Dead +Steven Spielberg Criticizes Netflix For Ruining Golden Age Of Pandering Big-Budget Corporate Films +John Hickenlooper Announces Support For Nuking Australia Just To See If Anyone Paying Attention +‘Game Of Thrones’ Creators Frantically Re-Shoot Finale To Make Peter Dinklage Death Seem Intentional +Divorced Man Doesn’t Even Recognize Smiling, Happy Family In Photo That Came With Frame +Orioles Creeped Out By Fan Who Followed Them To Spring Training +Woman Adopts Second Cat For First One To Terrorize While She At Work +Income Inequality At Highest Point Since Before Great Depression +God Purges Millions Of Souls From Heaven Now That Sexual Assault Being Taken More Seriously +2020 Democratic Hopefuls Support Marijuana Legalization +Sexist Media Keeps Only Referring To Woman As ‘Bride Of ISIS Soldier’ +Grandmother Really Starting To Get The Hang Of Dying +New Parents Disgusted To Learn They Had Type Of Baby That Shits +Methodist Church Votes To Ban Same-Sex Marriages And Clergy +Painted-Over Spot On Public Bathroom Wall Must Conceal Some Really Fucked-Up Graffiti +Israeli Prime Minister Indicted On Charges Of Bribery, Fraud +Lady Gaga Quashes Rumors That She Ever Thought Bradley Cooper Talented In Any Way +Michael Jackson Estate Releases New Documentary Alleging King Of Pop Gets Lifetime Pass For ‘Thriller’ +Ecologists Urge Birds To Avert Global Decline Of Insects By Adopting Seed-Based Diet +Party Guest Figures Bedroom Dresser Probably Where Host Wants Everyone To Leave Empty Cans +NASA Frantically Announces Mission To Earth’s Core After Accidentally Launching Rocket Upside Down +Breakdancing Being Considered For 2024 Olympics +A History Of Weezer +Experts Praise Upcoming ‘Sonic’ Movie For Accurate Depiction Of Hedgehogs +Walgreens Unveils New Line Of Shrink-Wrapped Sandwiches To Grab When Something Has Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong +ISIS Releases Video Of Leader Al-Baghdadi +Unbeatable ‘Jeopardy!’ Champ Says Key To Success Is Threatening Other Contestants With Nail-Studded Baseball Bat During Commercials +A Guide To The Best Weapons In ‘FIFA 19’ +Kobe Bryant Confident He Could Still Berate Teammates For 20 Minutes A Night +‘Fortnite’ Players Up In Arms Over New Map Addition After Discovering Its Deli Counter Only Features 2 Types Of Salami +Taylor Swift Debuts New Single +Trump Resigns From Presidents Local 150 In Protest Of Unions +‘Avengers: Endgame’ Shatters Box Office Records +Shitty Region Of Country Figures It Might As Well Give Producing Wine A Shot +Enes Kanter Grateful To Escape From Oppressive, Failing Dictatorship In New York +‘New York Times’ Apologizes For Running Anti-Semitic Comic Strip ‘Shylock The Shyster’ For Past 37 Years +‘Game Of Thrones’ Actors Reveal Reading Script For Zombie Battle And Realizing They Wasted Careers +Hollywood Analysts Still Not Sure How ‘Saving Silverman’ Broke Box Office Records Last Weekend +We Interview Shigeru Miyamoto About How Watching A Giant Ape Beat His Father To Death With A Barrel Inspired ‘Donkey Kong’ +Elderly Mother At That Age Where Even Just One Fall Over Niagara Could Be Fatal +Preview: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Will Explore Ellie’s Character Growth As She Focuses On Self-Care By Hiking And Taking A Pottery Class After Realizing She Can’t Control The Infected Around Her +After Decades As A Print-Only Publication, Onion Gamers Network Has Decided That The Internet Is The Future Of Video Game Journalism +Melting Permafrost To Have $70 Trillion Impact, Study Finds +Panic Rapidly Setting In As Man Realizes He Has No Plan For Ripe Avocado +Measles Roars Back At Record Pace +Facebook Users Morbidly Curious What Site Going To Do With Their Personal Data To Recoup $5 Billion Fine +Prison Returns Bag Of Semi-Automatic Guns, Hit List To Coast Guard Terror Suspect At Release +David Bernhardt Denies Business Interests Influenced Yellowstone’s Name Change To Frito Lay Presents Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho National Park +Denver Nuggets Worried They Screwed Up Attempt To Tank For Zion Williamson +Elderly Man Feeling Useless In Retirement Wishes He Could Go Back To Feeling Useless At Work +Tips For The Perfect Picnic +Field Museum Officials Announce Long-Awaited Pregnancy Of Prized T-Rex +FAA Gives Google Approval For Delivery Drone Flights +Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them +Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 +Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million In Cash +Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In +Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens +Local Teen Invents Masturbation +Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign +CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s +I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s +FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children +Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment +John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf +Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments +Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass +Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch +Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities +Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day +Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration +Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster +Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns +Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work +Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat +Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him +Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ +Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas +Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay +Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral +Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time +Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 +Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage +Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 +Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies +Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase +84% Support Marijuana Legalization +Mueller Report Released +Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report +Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption +Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth +Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman +Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment +China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox +Tracking Trump Administration Turnover +French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years +‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report +The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report +Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity +Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album +Report: You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself +North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. +‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race +Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain +Report: There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 +Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details +Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured +Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf +Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary +Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System +Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract +‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres +Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia +Game Boy Turns 30 +Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood +Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas +Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ +Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title +Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man +Breaking: Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair +Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis +Porn Video With Unfamiliar Acronym In Title Deemed Too Risky To Click On +‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released +Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is +Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic +‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple +Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities +Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug +Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ +Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking +Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting +Julian Assange Arrested In London +Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron +Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit +Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time +Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out +Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO +William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report +Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater +Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says +New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ +Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat +Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role +First Image Of Black Hole Released +Ecuadorian Embassy Runs Ad Seeking ‘No Drama’ Tenant For Newly Vacant Room +Lightning Bolt Blasts Washington Monument As Mike Pence, Pete Buttigieg Locked In Battle Of Prayers On National Mall +Cackling Julian Assange Disintegrates Into Lines Of Code As Baffled Authorities Attempt To Handcuff Him +Bird Reflects On Frailty, Impermanence Of Life After Finding Dead Human On Sidewalk +Mario Batali Reduced To Selling Bowl Of Ravioli On Craigslist +Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ +Lonzo Ball Chooses CAA To Represent Him As Father +NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes +New York City Declares Emergency Over Measles Outbreak +Majority Of Americans Voice Support For Bernie Sanders After Learning He’s A Millionaire +Steve Ballmer Rewards Playoff-Bound Clippers With Complimentary Microsoft Office Upgrades +Family Of Congressman Glad He Finally Found Outlet For His Racism +Big Tech Companies With Government Contracts +UN Unveils Design For Floating City For 10,000 People +Bryce Harper Informs Phillies GM Of 2-Week Vacation In August He’d Planned Before Getting Job +Methane Found On Mars +Report: Most Americans Have Fewer Than 5 Hobbies Saved For Retirement +Netanyahu Vows To Clog The Rivers With Skulls Of His Enemies In Last-Minute Push To Win Over Undecided Voters +Confused Zoo Officials Awkwardly Celebrate After Endangered Panda Gives Birth To Healthy Northern White Rhino +Cats Can Recognize Their Own Names, Study Finds +Activists Petition Cupcake Kingdom To Address Adorable Housing Crisis +Trump Vows Extensive Search To Find New DHS Director With Ideal Personality Disorders +Kirstjen Nielsen Reminds Herself She A Private Citizen Now After Instinctively Detaining Mexican Child On The Street +Telemundo Continues Winning Streak With Incomparable Lineup Of High-Quality Scripted Programs, Award-Winning Journalism +E-Cigarette Users Reporting Having Seizures To FDA +ISIS Adds Few Violent White Supremacists In Bid To Get U.S. To Rescind Terrorist Designation +Study Finds They Just Don’t Make ’Em Like Ginger Rogers Anymore +Trump Expected To Name Herman Cain To Fed Board +Aunt Somehow Got Married, Divorced Twice Since Last Time Nephew Saw Her +Tom Izzo Calls 2019 Spartans Best Team He’s Ever Threatened With Violence +Shocked ‘Our Planet’ Viewers Watch As David Attenborough Enters Scene To Break Neck Of Starving Polar Bear +House Democrats Formally Request Trump’s Tax Returns +Family Respects Grandmother’s Wishes To Have Open-Bloused Funeral +Doctor Informs Woman He’s Overweight +Paramount Executive Snaps Up Script That Begins With Studio Logo Fading Into Establishing Shot Of Actual Mountain +‘The Last Of Us 2’ To Be Released In 2019 +New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Provides Sneak Peek At Show’s Climactic All-Cast Dance Number +Mama Duck Doesn’t Recall Asking For Injured Baby To Be Rescued From Road +Trump Pushes Health Care Reform Until After 2020 +White House Says Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private Because It’s So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad +Hare Krishnas: ‘Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare’ +Mar-A-Lago Staff Apologizes For Letting In Guest They Just Assumed Was High-Powered Lobbyist Trying To Buy Influence +Presidential Pardons In History +Rolex Unveils New Diving Cuckoo Clock Capable Of Working Up To 3,000 Meters Underwater +Japan Announces Name Of New Era +Chicken’s Eyes Catch First-Ever Glint Of Sunlight Through Crack In Warehouse Ceiling Just Before Head Sliced Off +‘What’s All This I’m Hearing About People Getting Security Clearances?’ Asks Confused Mike Pompeo To White House Staff Avoiding Eye Contact +Pros And Cons Of Making Birth Control Available Over The Counter +Avocados May Run Out If U.S.–Mexico Border Closed +New Trump Proposal Could Strip 750,000 Of Food Stamps +Tucker Carlson Challenges Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez To A Date +Santa Anita Racetrack Officials Award First Place To Jockey Who Dragged Dead Horse 30 Yards Over Finish Line +Increasingly Cocky Bernie Sanders Announces He Won’t Take Donations Over 27 Cents +White House Reversing Security Clearance Denials +Scientists Announce Discovery Of Dry Ice On Mars Means Planet May One Day Be Suitable For Halloween Party +Top Reasons To Consider A Road Trip For Your Next Family Vacation +Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt +Breaking: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, This Got Out Of Hand +Report: You’re Gonna Read This Page Right Fucking Now Or It’ll Be The Last Goddamn Thing You Ever Do +Report: It Would Be A Real Shame If Something Were To Happen To You +Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt +Brett Kavanaugh Reiterates Cruel And Unusual Punishment What Makes Someone A True Kappa +Mueller Kinda Miffed That Barr Clearly Didn’t Read His Stuff Like He Said He Would +China Bans All Types Of Fentanyl +Purdue Pharma Reports Opioid Deaths Falling Short Of Quarterly Goals +Report Reveals Jesus Christ May Have Benefited From Father’s Influential Position To Gain High-Powered Role As Lord And Savior +New ‘Call Of Duty’ Praised For Depicting Grim, Harrowing Fun That Can Be Had While Killing Civilians +‘Let’s See You Answer These’ Snickers Alex Trebek As He Unveils Invasive Categories About James Holzhauer’s Personal Life +Trump Says Russia Helped Him Win Election +Old, Wizened Fantasy Character Confirms That The Darkness Is Rising +Twitch Just Announced They Will Let Users Stream Nude As Long As Everyone Promises Not To Get Aroused Or Do Anything Weird +WHO Warns About Resurgence Of Guinea Worm Disease As 150-Ton Parasite Splashes Out Of Sea +Roy Moore Mulling 2020 Senate Run +How A Crime Scene Investigation Works +‘Rocketman’ Viewers Not Sure Movie Really Needed 45-Minute Princess Diana Death Scene +Tearful Meghan McCain Opens Up About Father’s Dying Wish That She Be Given Her Own Daytime Talk Show +McConnell Says He Would Fill Supreme Court Seat In 2020 +Government Closes Case On UFOs After Determining Sightings Just Routine Psylandorian Patrol Ships +Most Tantalizing Rumors About The PS5 +Struggling Rainforest Cafe Adds Thousands Of Animatronic Patrons To Restaurants +‘Fortnite’ Is Having Martin Shkreli Hold An In-Game Seminar On How To Jack Up Drug Prices +Robert Kraft Agrees To Take Voluntary Leave Of Absence From Orchids Of Asia Day Spa +Report: Happiness Does Not Measurably Increase Based On Zipline Ownership Once Family Owns 7 Ziplines +Missouri Could Soon Have No Abortion Clinics +Special Guest At Sea Lion Show Just Another Sea Lion +Man Known As The ‘American Taliban’ Released From Prison +Cackling Mitch McConnell Reveals To Stunned Democrats He’s Been Working Undercover For Republican Party This Whole Time +New Louisiana Abortion Law Requires Fetuses Be Given Jazz Funeral March Through The French Quarter +Deal Alert: Get ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ For Free For Next 30 Seconds While GameStop Clerk Is Dealing With Something In Back +Report: Massive Hypocrisy Just Flat-Out Gets The Job Done +Honey, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My Closet +Panicked Oyster Praying That Lump It Feels Forming Only A Pearl +Pros And Cons Of Facial Recognition Technology +Friend Who Not Into Dogfighting Really Ruining Match For Everyone Else +Mario Batali Faces Criminal Charge +World Populace Actually Fine With Rich People Dying On Mount Everest +Theresa May Resigns As U.K. Prime Minister +World Health Organization Director-General Classifies Gaming Disorder As Disease After Son Spends Beautiful Day Inside Playing ‘Overwatch’ +Everything We Learned About ‘Elder Scrolls VI’ From Breaking Into Todd Howard’s House And Trying On All His Clothes +Will Shortz Frustrated That Police Yet To Crack Taunting Puzzles Revealing Locations Of 40 Years Of Murder Victims +Struggling Single Mother Seriously Considering Putting Baby Up For Audition +Chinese Government Asks Entire Nation To Pose While Millions Of Surveillance Cameras Take Photographs +Blues Forced To Forfeit Stanley Cup After Exhausting Annual Travel Budget +Modi Soars To Reelection Victory +Sexually Awakened PETA President Announces That Being Kept In A Tiny Cage All Day Actually Sounds Hot As Hell +Unpopular Orange To Be Phased Out Of Visible Spectrum +Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It +Ed Sheeran Releasing Collaborative Album +ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago +Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter +McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu +Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal Mascot Mill +Nintendo Announces That ‘Super Mario Maker 2’ Will Finally Let Users Build A Synagogue So Mario Can Get Bar Mitzvahed +Businessman Mortified To Discover He’s Been Wearing Suit Backwards All Day +Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism +Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service +Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years +Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence +Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman +Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve +Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death +Japan Begins Testing Next-Gen Bullet Train +Keanu Reeves Recalls Preparing For ‘John Wick 3’ By Acting In Two Previous ‘John Wick’ Films +Trump Warns China Not To Underestimate His Willingness To Sacrifice Every American’s Well-Being +Tips For Playing ‘Rage 2’ +Polite Disney World Guest Decides Not To Bother Mickey Mouse For Picture +25 McDonald’s Employees Come Forward With Sexual Harassment Claim +Woman Attempting To Cultivate Self-Love Forced To Start Completely From Scratch After Photo Where Nose Looks Kind Of Weird +Distraught Man Still Finding Painful Reminders Of Long-Gone Hoagie Around Apartment +Mild Mild West: ‘Red Dead Online’ Isn’t Worth Playing Since You Can See Real Horses At The Zoo +David Brooks Decries Incivility Of Modern Plumbing After Tripping On Feet And Falling Headfirst Into Toilet +I Am An Affront To God +Coach’s Un-Athletic Son Going To Get Fucking Reamed After Game For Dropping Fly Ball +Pros And Cons Of Noise-Canceling Headphones +Cousin Really Going All-In On Retweeting Porn Stars +Britney Spears May Never Perform Again +Everything We Know About The ‘Final Fantasy VII’ Remake +‘Game Of Thrones’ Caps Off Series Finale +Trump Demands Investigation Into Whether Clintons Gave Him Non-Registry Wedding Gift In 2005 +Mom Guesses Dressbarn Closure Means She’ll Just Have To Go Shop With All The Sluts Over At Chico’s Now +People Criticizing ‘Anthem’ Don’t Understand The Developer’s Vision Of A Game That Had To Come Out This Past Fiscal Year +Freedom-Wielding High Schooler Freedoms Down 16 Classmates In Latest Mass Freedoming +Zion Williamson Excited To Play For Team With Proven History Of Frittering Away Generational Talents +New Chocolate Flavor ‘Ruby’ Coming To U.S. +Wedding Experts Say Engagement Ring Should Cost At Least Three Diamond Miners’ Lives +San Francisco Bans Facial Recognition Technology +Actor Who Portrayed The Night King Recalls Challenge Of Playing Character With No Purpose +Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost +Adrenaline-Fueled Mother Lifts Heavy Child From Car +Cory Booker Tries To Relate To Rural Voters By Mangling Hand In Grain Auger +Man Has Extra Spring In His Step After Getting News That Classmate Moved Home And Stopped Pursuing Her Dream +In Major Blow To Sony’s Upcoming PlayStation 5, Microsoft Announces PlayStation 6 +Entire Southern Border Somehow On Fire 10 Minutes After Kushner Begins Tackling Immigration System +Weary, Cynical Woman Knows Better Than To Bring Tomato Plant Into World Like This +Nation’s Math Professors Announce Plans To Continue Wearing Chinos With Running Shoes Indefinitely +SAT To Add ‘Adversity Score’ To Address Socioeconomic Disparities +Candidate With No Chance Of Winning Nomination Settles On Goal Of Crushing Hickenlooper Campaign +Inslee Releases $9 Trillion Climate Plan +The History Of Robocalls +Adam Gase To Play All 22 Positions After Pushing Out Entire Jets Team +World Rejoices As Grumpy Cat And Her Shitty Attitude Dead Forever +Bleeding John Bolton Stumbles Into Capitol Building Claiming That Iran Shot Him +Michael Wolff Finishes Sequel To ‘Fire And Fury’ +‘Game Of Thrones’ Showrunners Disappointed With How Quality Of Fans Has Dropped Off Over Past Couple Seasons +Excited Archaeologists Hit Mass Grave Jackpot +Friends Place Memorial On Section Of Six Flags Roller Coaster Track Where Guest Died +Arizona Legalizes Nunchucks +Bugs Bunny Explains How LeBron Helped Him Get Sober For Role In ‘Space Jam’ Sequel +Alabama Effectively Bans Abortion +They Did it Again: During Wednesday’s Nintendo Direct The Company Announced The Beauty Of A Rose +BREAKING: Situation Worsens In Venezuela, Bolivia, U.S., Japan, Mexico, Iraq, Spain +Woman Walking Alone At Night Picks Up Pace After Spotting Truck Full Of Alabama Lawmakers Slowly Following Her +Pfizer Denies Encouraging Drug Abuse By Packaging Fentanyl With Cooking Spoon, Lighter +‘New York Times’ Rehires Judith Miller To Cover Escalating Iran Tensions +Wikipedia Blocked In China +Nationals GM Introduces Players To New Stepmanager +New Tamagotchi Can Have Children And Marry +Mike Gravel Can’t Believe His Polling Numbers Neck-And-Neck With Fucking Nobody Like Wayne Messam +Traveling Is An Incredible Way To Meet Vulnerable People Nobody Will Go Looking For +Abused 12-Year-Old Alabama Girl Doesn’t Think She Can Handle Being A Mom On Top Of Everything Else +Pros And Cons Of Weighted Blankets +Aides Request John Bolton Please Stop Setting Fire To Middle East Tactical Map +EA Announces New Revenue Model Just Deleting Everyone’s ‘Anthem’ Characters Unless They Send Company $300 In Next Hour +Dow Plunges As China–U.S. Trade War Escalates +Deutsche Bank Begins Removing Possessions From White House After Trump Defaults On Loan +Next Measles Outbreak Most Likely To Hit Chicago, Los Angeles, Miami +New Poll Finds Millennials Far More Likely To Politically Identify As Feudalists Than Previous Generations +E3 2019 Press Conference Schedule +Trump Reassures Struggling Farmers He Has Never Seen One Of Them And Cannot Be Sure They Even Exist +Man Who’s Been In A Bunch Of Buildings Figures He’d Be A Pretty Good Architect +Rust Belt Town Protests Construction Of New Truck Stop That Would Obstruct Views Of State Penitentiary +Papal Decree Holds Bishops Accountable For Sexual Abuse +Touching Tribute: Nintendo Is Finally Adding A Grass-Type Pokémon Based On James Gandolfini +ABC Producers Blasted For Controversial Selection Of Underage ‘Bachelorette’ +Pelosi Declares Nation In ‘Constitutional Crisis’ +A Preview Of All The Games Corey’s Mom’s Boyfriend Is Going To Buy Him This Summer +Feminist Gamers Rejoice: Dead Or Alive 6’s Female Characters All Have Huge, Jiggling Breasts Because Every Woman Should Feel Beautiful +Craftsman Confirms New Hammer Backwards-Compatible With Previous Generation Of Nails +Liberal Relieved He Never Has To Introspect Again After Assembling All The Correct Opinions +Facebook Cofounder Calls For Breaking Up Social Media Giant +Trump Asserts Executive Privilege Over Mueller Report +U.S. Fish And Wildlife Service Reintroduces Straw Hat-Wearing Boys To Old Fishin’ Holes +Tips For Going Through A Divorce +Turning Point USA Condemns UNLV Student For Filming Racist Video In Portrait Mode +National Weather Service Releases Composite Sketch Of Tornado It Believes Ravaged Midwest +Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will Be Different About Grandma This Visit +Alabama Cracks Down On Abortions By Outlawing All Medical Procedures +Upset Red Sox Fan Demands To Speak To Manager +Incredibly Lazy And Unprofessional: This Video Game Developer Is Always The First To Leave His Office At 11:45 P.M. Every Day +Islam Is Incompatible With Country-Western Culture +Harried Woman On Train Quickly Doing Plastic Surgery On Face Before Work +Trump Taxes Show He Lost $1 Billion Over Decade +De Blasio PAC Spends $30 Million On Ads Urging Candidate Not To Embarrass Self By Running +Disney Delays ‘Avatar 2’ Until 2021 +Divorcing Parents Assure Anxious Kids That Dog Still Loves Them +YouTube Rushes To Shut Down School Shooter’s Account Over Copyright Complaints +LGBTQ Representation Win! A New ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Trailer Revealed That Harvey Milk Is Still Alive In The Game’s Universe +Agile, Dynamic Company Able To Respond To Any Challenge By Laying Off Half Of Staff +Everything We Know About ‘Pokémon Sword And Shield’ +One Million Species Could Go Extinct Because Of Humans +Georgia Governor Signs Bill Outlawing Abortion Except For Single 30-Second Window On Third Day Of Fourth Week Of Pregnancy +Jay Inslee Smashes Through Wall Of Town Hall In Solar-Powered Mech Suit To Announce Climate Change Plan +‘The Voice’ Amends Rules To Allow Votes From Those Who Aren’t White Landowning Males +How Restaurants’ Health Inspection Grades Are Calculated +Company Commits To Hiring More Bengal Tigers In Effort To Improve Office Biodiversity +New Education Program Inspires Economically Advantaged Youth To Express Themselves Through Funding The Arts +Everyone Must Play This Amazing New Indie Game That Probably Exists About A Lonely Penguin That Inherited His Family’s House Or Some Shit +Miami Marlins Looking At Eliminating Unprofitable Baseball Wing Of Organization +Denver Votes On Decriminalizing Magic Mushrooms +New ‘Call Of Duty’ Career Mode Lets Player Join Raytheon’s Board Of Directors After Military Service +Royal Baby Born +‘Voila,’ Yells Exhausted Lady Gaga During 149th Consecutive Costume Change As Met Visitors Gingerly Step Over Her +Top Indie Games On Steam +Bye! +Los Angeles Plans To Hold 2028 Olympics In Toronto For The Tax Incentives +FDA Launches Food Awareness Month To Get Americans Interested In Eating +Sweet Karma: Your High School Computer Lab Teacher Who Installed The Browser Blocker That Stopped You From Playing Flash Games Is Very Sick Now +Film Critics Captivated By Use Of One Long, Unbroken Take In Parent’s Recording Of Middle School ‘Guys And Dolls’ Production +Scientists Find Cocaine In Shrimp +The Top 10 Most Underrated U.S. Vacation Destinations +Christians Most Persecuted Religious Group Worldwide, Report Finds +Grandma Wants To Know If You’re Still Drawing +History Of The Filibuster +R.L. Stine Admits Every Book He’s Written Directly Dictated To Him By God +‘Cyberpunk 2077’: The Sprawling Sci-Fi RPG Shows Real Promise, But I Can’t Give A Full Appraisal After Only 1,500 Hours Of Play Time +Kanye West Anthology Series In Works Starring Jaden Smith +‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Annoyed By Obvious Product Placement For Valyrian Steel +Halima Aden Becomes First Sports Illustrated Model To Wear Burkini +Diners Eating Impossible Burgers Doused With Beet Juice By Protesting Meat-Rights Activists +Stanford Students Admit It Was Pretty Obvious Billionaire’s Dog Didn’t Get In By Itself +Noncompete Clause In Lease Bars Tenants From Living Anywhere Else For 90 Days After Moving Out +George Lucas Recalls Peter Mayhew Ad-Libbing Decision To Play Character As Nonverbal, Fur-Covered Monster +Facebook Bans Thousands Of Snowboarders, Base Jumpers In Crackdown On ‘Dangerous’ Accounts +Report: What You Just Said Reminds Man Of Thing He’d Rather Talk About +‘I Don’t Like The Look Of This,’ Says Astronaut Entering Flickering, Ooze-Covered Abandoned Section Of ISS +Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity +Obamas Announce Slate Of Netflix Shows +Mueller Took Issue With Barr Letter +Facebook Bans Extremist Figures After Designating Them Dangerous To Its Public Reputation +K-Pop Group BTS Excited For First American Tour Since 1963 Appearance On ‘Ed Sullivan’ +Taylor Swift Accused Of Ripping Off Beyoncé By Giving Birth To Twins As Part Of Billboard Music Awards Performance +William Barr Shows Up To Congress To Testify At 3 A.M. After Reading Email Wrong +NHL Fans Claim Hockey Way More Fun If You There In Person, On Ice Playing Game +Tim Schafer Gives OGN An Exclusive Preview Of Psychonauts 2’s Legal Disclaimer Screen +Trump Dismisses Concerns Over White House Chaos After Pack Of Feral Dogs Takes Over 4th West Wing Room +Thank God We Didn’t Have Written Language Back When I Was A Teenager +Trump And Democrats Agree On $2 Trillion Infrastructure Deal +Coup Underway In Venezuela +God Decides Against Killing Self After Angel Shows Him What Life Would Be Like If He Never Existed +Gamers Rejoice: Here Is The Word ‘Japan’ +RockStar Games Begins Imprisoning Programmers For ‘Red Dead Redemption 3’ +Spotify Reaches 100 Million Paying Subscribers +Realtor Emphasizing Neighborhood’s Proximity To Much Nicer Neighborhood +‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ Turns 20 +Mueller To Testify Before Congress +Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 2 +CD Projekt Red Announces ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Will Have A Gender-Neutral Character Creator, However Everyone Will Be Christian +Illinois Legalizes Marijuana +Experts Say Earliest Warning Signs Of Mental Health Issues Usually Crossing Eyes While Dribbling Finger On Lips, Saying ‘Cuckoo, Cuckoo’ +Naked Andrew Yang Emerges From Time Vortex To Warn Debate Audience About Looming Threat Of Automation +Trump Picks Stephanie Grisham As New Press Secretary +Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 1 +Breaking New Ground: Beto O’Rourke Has Become The First Presidential Candidate Available As A ‘Smash Ultimate’ DLC Fighter +OSHA Special Ops Team Raids Local Office After Receiving Intel On Expired Fire Extinguisher +Historians Reveal Aqueducts Were Only Small Portion Of Ancient Rome’s Intricate Water Park System +Driver Kind Of Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind For A While Take Exit Off Highway +Pence Declines To Say Whether Climate Change A Threat +13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parley’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show 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Pagans Fucking In Ring Of Fire On Way To Work +Bolton Calls For Forceful Iranian Response To Continuing U.S. Aggression +James Harden, Chris Paul Deny Rumors Of Discord, Say They Are Fully Committed To Team At State Farm +$1 Billion Worth Of Cocaine Seized +Report: Trying To Hug Oncoming Train Still Leading Cause Of Death For Nation’s Idiots +‘The Lion King’ Turns 25 +Fashion Designers Announce Plans to Wave With Both Hands, Bow Slightly +Little League Coach Just Washed-Up Former Little Leaguer +Knicks Front Office Scrambling After Zion Williamson Drafted Before 3rd Pick +World Will Get Half Of Its Power From Wind And Solar By 2050 +Bolton Argues War With Iran Only Way To Avenge Americans Killed In Upcoming War With Iran +Fascinating Lore: Nintendo Revealed That The Reason Mario Always Comes Back To Life After He Dies Is Because Both Heaven And Hell Reject His Soul +Michael Bennet Quietly Asks Aide If Polling At N/A Is Good Or Bad +Chuck Schumer: ‘The American People Deserve A 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Secretary General Assumes Someone Already Doing Something About Uighur Internment Camps +Warren Buffett Tells Colleagues About Exciting Investment Opportunity He Recently Discovered Selling Mary Kay Beauty Products +Pros And Cons Of Mandatory National Service +Babysitter Enters Third Hour Of Negotiations To Get 4-Year-Old To Put His Pants Back On +New Polls Show Warren In Second Place +Harpoon Industry Attempting Rebrand By Pointing Out Harpoons Can Harpoon Stuff Besides Whales +Tips For Avoiding Harassment While Playing Games Online +Turkish Restaurant Thrown Into Complete Disarray By Entry Of Single Customer +White House Claims Iran Behind Attack On Nancy Kerrigan +Iran Threatens To Breach Nuclear Deal +ICE Argues Migrants In Camps Are Free To Die At Any Time +Crime Scene Forensic Investigator Reminds Officers To Stop Shooting At Dead Body Under Sheet +Nike Unveils Size-Inclusive Mannequin Eating A 12-Inch Hoagie +Texas Instruments Announces New Plug-And-Play TI-83 Classic +O.J. 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Rockstar Announces That For Every Mile Driven In ‘Grand Theft Auto Online’ They’ll Plant A Tree In-Game +More Presidential Candidates Taking Strident Pro-Caviar Stance To Appeal To Democratic Socialite Wing Of Party +Swarms Of Grasshoppers Descend On Las Vegas +Woman Who Doesn’t Want To Be Hit On Shouldn’t Be Hanging Out In Bar Taking Drink Orders +Andrew Yang Loads Shotgun As Hissing, Crackling Copy Machine Lurches Towards Campaign Staff +Brazil’s Deforestation Of Amazon Increased By 39% In Past Year +Trump Escalates Baltimore Attacks With Rambling, 3-Hour Press Conference Tearing Into Edgar Allan Poe +Chuck Grassley Accidentally Lies In State For Few Hours After Drifting Off In Capitol Rotunda +Study: Chris Martin Probably Cried When He Wrote ‘Fix You’ +New York Bans Discrimination Against Natural Hair +Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church +Guy On Bus Really Good At Whatever Phone Game That Is +4-Year-Old Convinced Father A Moron After 45th Consecutive Hide-And-Seek Victory +Instagram Begins Hiding Likes +Samin Nosrat Releases Updated Book ‘Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow’ About The 5 Key Elements Of Good Cooking +Customers Relieved To See Perky 7-Eleven Cashier’s Spirit Has Finally Been Crushed +Justice Department Resumes Capital Punishment After 2-Decade Hiatus +Russian Operative Disappointed Gerrymandering Taking All The Fun Out Of Hacking 2020 U.S. Election +New Tampax High-Speed Applicator Able To Launch Tampons Into Vagina At 500 MPH +Horrified Iowan Farmer Starts Breaking Out In Corn After Coming Into Direct Contact With Monsanto Crops +Man Flashes Hand Stamp To Bouncer Like Badge Of Field Agent Entering Crime Scene +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Wolfenstein: Youngblood’ +The Onion’s Guide To TikTok +India’s Chandrayaan-2 Mission Heading To Moon +Pelosi Concerned Outspoken Progressive Flank Of Party Could Harm Democrats’ Reputation As Ineffectual Cowards +Sun Setting Over Tropical Beach Kind Of Beautiful In Its Own Way +Catholic Church Not About To Be Out-Molested By Goddamn Boy Scouts +Boris Johnson To Be Next U.K. Prime Minister +Insecure Infant Worried He Unworthy Of Animatronic Toy Rabbit’s Love +Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song +New ‘Call Of Duty’ Explores Horrifying Reality Of Life As USO Magician +Aging Congress Moves Into More Manageable Single-Story Ranch Capitol +Mueller Testifies Before Congress +Tim Duncan Maps Out Spurs’ Genealogy After Being Hired As Team Archivist +Man Doesn’t Understand Why People Wasting Time Attacking Him For Running Over Their Dog When Trump The Real Enemy +LeBron James Reveals School He Founded Has Seen Huge Gains In English, Math, And Dunk Testing +‘It’s Like All The President’s Men Meets Rambo,’ Says Robert Mueller Describing Report To Congress +Congratulations! You’ve Read Enough OGN Articles In A Row To Earn A 1-Up! +Real Estate Agents Trying To Gentrify Run-Down Earth By Renaming It West Saturn +Pros And Cons Of Meal Kit Delivery Services +Grandmother’s Passing Helps Emotionally Prepare Child For When Pet Hamster Dies +Hundreds Of Thousands Protest Against Governor In Puerto Rico +ESPN Impressed By Mark Sanchez’s Ability To Point Out Football Field +‘That Place Is A Disaster,’ Says Bill De Blasio Watching Flooded NYC Subway On TV During Iowa Campaign Stop +Iran Arrests 17 People Allegedly Spying For CIA +Tom Hanks Recalls Arriving On ‘A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ Set At Dawn For Grueling 6-Hour Cardigan-Application Process +Small Town Ravished By Alejandro +Woman Spirals Into Vortex Of Self-Doubt After Trader Joe’s Cashier Does Not Compliment Any Of Her Selected Items +Justices Observe Supreme Court Ritual By Driving Stake Through John Paul Stevens’ Heart To Ensure He Dead Before Burial +Cop Hired For Posting Racist Rant On Social Media +Chuck Schumer Announces Support For Reparations Bill +Report: PlayStation 5 Has Already Been Out In Japan For, Like, 20 Years +July On Track To Be Hottest Month Ever +Laptop Camera Wishes It Could Tell Woman How Good She Looks When She Doesn’t Know She’s Being Watched +Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change +Deal Alert: There Is A Free Copy Of ‘Super Star Wars’ Our Mom Is Going To Throw Out After She Found It In The Basement +House Votes To Raise Federal Minimum Wage To $15 +Nation’s Dorky Little Nerds Announce They Have Nosebleed +Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants +Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department +New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests +Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise +Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter +Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool +White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals +‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’ +Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump +Simon, Garfunkel Pose Perfectly Still In Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Exhibit To Avoid Security Guard Catching Them Living In Museum +How Different Colors Affect Your Brain And Body +Trump Disavows Supporters Who Could Barely Keep Racist Chant Going For 10 Seconds +‘Game Of Thrones’ Receives Record-Breaking 32 Nominations +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Suspended For Next 10 Rulings Following Supreme Court Bench-Clearing Brawl +Pizza Crust Saved To Make Pizza Stock +Next Bond Movie Will Feature Black Female Actor In Role Of 007 +John Oliver Annoyed After Discovering He The Only Non-CGI Character In ‘Lion King’ Remake +National Weather Service Stresses Those In Path Of Heat Wave Should Crawl Towards Sparkling, Cold Spring Shimmering At Edge Of Vision +Shocking New Epstein Video Shows Pictures Moving All On Their Own +Man Can’t Believe He Being Jailed On Drug Charge When There Are Real Criminals Out There +Netflix Cuts Controversial Suicide Scene From ‘13 Reasons Why’ +House Passes Resolution Overnight Apologizing If Previous Racism Resolution Came Off Too Harsh +Cop Vows To Get Revenge On Eric Garner For Trying To Frame Him For Murder +Report: How About You Tell Us The Goddamn News For A Change? +Alan Turing To Be Honored On Britain’s £50 Note +Man Annoyed After Neighbors Never Return Son They Borrowed To Do Some Work Around House +What The Future Of Farming Looks Like +Virginia Agrees To Remove Confederate Ghosts From State Capitol +Baldwin Reveals Every Door That Locks Behind You In ‘Resident Evil 2’ Uses Baldwin’s High-Quality Latching Technology +Nevada Transportation Authority Unveils Dedicated Bang Bus Lanes For Horny Commuters +Trump Tells Liberal Congresswomen To ‘Go Back To Their Country’ 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Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Fired For Tweet +BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her +Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve +‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected +Jeffrey Epstein Offers Court $32 Million Child Pornography Collection As Bail +Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb +National Park Service Releases Detailed Guide On What Visitors Should Do Upon Encountering Squirrel +Trump Honors Brave Heroes Who Slept With Wives Of Deployed Soldiers +Study Finds Majority Of American Health Insurance Plans Don’t Cover Sending Sickly Child To Convalesce In Countryside +Paul Ryan Lauded For Inspiring Millions Of Young Gutless Fucking Cowards To Take On Leadership Roles +ICE Sends Agents Home With Sacks Of Flour To Practice What It Like Detaining Real Baby +Epstein Attorneys Denounce Accusers For Trying To Ruin Career Of Successful Child Molester +At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted +Legal Experts Note Uproar Over Epstein Scandal May Lead To Legislators Outlawing Pedophilia +Phoenix Suns Gorilla Involved In Altercation At Glendale-Area Gentlemen’s Club +Outraged Trump Declares He Would’ve Gotten Jeffrey Epstein Way More Lenient Plea Deal +Sweden Announces Plan To Get 100% Of Energy From Unguarded Wall Outlet In Finland By 2030 +Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscious +Pros And Cons Of Shareable Electric Scooters +John Hickenlooper Sets Ambitious $250 Fundraising Goal For Next Debate Cycle +Frustrated Subway Marketers Scrap $150 Million Jeffrey Epstein Ad Campaign +Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behavior +Woman On Third Level Of Purgatory Tired Of Being Passed Over For Advancement By Less Penitent Men +Jeffrey Epstein Swears He Didn’t Know Sex-Trafficking Ring Was Underage +Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire +NRA Insists That Most Recent Mass Shooting Does Not Accurately Reflect Potential Deadliness Of Firearm +Area Man Always Thought He’d Squander His Life Differently +Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistry +Breaking: It Not Too Late To Take Advantage Of The Onion’s Independence Day Mattress Sale +Passersby Feel Sorry For Aging Deep Blue Sitting At Washington Square Park Chess Table All Day +Savvy Pornography Director Includes Preliminary Shot Of Penis That Will Go Off By End Of Film +Entitled Burger King Employee Wants $15 An Hour Just For Dealing With Worst Of America Every Day +Italy To Host 2026 Winter Olympics +God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri +Supreme Court Rejects Adding Census Citizenship Question +Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutes +Phone Companies Partner With All 50 States To Fight Robocalls +Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Bull Intended For President +Famous Instances Of Censorship In U.S. History +Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Jeff Bezos Welding Mechanical Limbs Onto Stumps Where Arms Used To Be +Centipede Tearing Ass Across Floor Must Be Really Late For Something +Marriott Phasing Out Tiny Plastic Toiletry Bottles +Hardcore Weezer Fan Hates Everything Band Has Released Since Forming +A True War: EA Reveals The Next Battlefield Game Will Take Place In A Divorcing Family +U.S., Taliban Close In On Peace Deal +Experts Warn Hurricane Dorian Could Devastate Florida’s Wild Sea-Doo Population +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Death Stranding’ +YouTuber’s Enthusiasm Clearly Flagging By 45th Minute Of ‘Ride The Lightning’ Guitar Solo Lesson +Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer +Report Finds Teens Are Having Less Sex Than Previous Generations, But When They Do, Buckle The Fuck Up +‘Yeah, I Totally Wore These On The Moon,’ Says Buzz Aldrin Selling Old Pair Of Gym Socks To Complete Sucker For $500,000 +CNN Schedules 7-Hour Climate Change Town Hall +Newly Founded Steyer Institute For Political Research Poll Finds Tom Steyer Leading 2020 Democrats At 95% +Study Finds Most Effective Method Of Overcoming Procrastination Having Overseer Beat You Whenever You Stop Working +Poll Finds Sanders, Warren Now Tied With Biden +Sex Ed Teacher Must Not Have Been Able To Hack It As Professional Sex Worker +Case Keenum Wins Redskins Starting Job With Heartfelt ‘What I Like Most About Football Is’ Essay +Hostages’ Eyes Glazing Over Halfway Through Serial Killer’s Explanation Of Complex Game They Going To Play +Pros And Cons Of Banning Cars In Cities +Man Guesses If Anyone Ever Calls Him Out On Privilege He’ll Just Make Up Something About Being Molested +Johnson & Johnson Pledges To Push Uppers For Couple Decades To Even Things Out +Amazon Deforestation Reveals Tribe Of Isolated Rich Sociopaths Completely Untouched By Consequence +New ‘Stars Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’ Trailer Released +Review: The Incredible Realism Of ‘Control’ Gives Players The Ability To Make Characters Walk In Whatever Direction They Want And Interact With The World Around Them +Obama Releases Summer Playlist +School Administration Reminds Female Students Bulletproof Vests Must Cover Midriff +Man Overcomes Fear Of Public Urination +2019 VMAs Full Of People You Don’t Know, You Desiccated Corpse, You Putrid Crone, You Might As Well Be Dead +Republican Joe Walsh Announces 2020 Primary Challenge To Trump +Obama Upholds In-Office Tradition By Releasing 2019 Summer Kill List +Bird Owner Assures Guests He Sometimes Lets Parakeet Out Of Cage To Fly Around House In Frantic Search For Freedom +Furious Jeff Bezos Reams Out ‘Washington Post’ Editors After Catching Another Copy-Editing Mistake +World Leaders Eagerly Await As G7 Organizers Announce Raffle Drawing For Nintendo Switch +Teary Andrew Luck Describes Fighting Through Searing Pain He Experiences During Every Excruciating Moment In Indianapolis +Roger Goodell Admits Job Would Be Easier If He Watched Football +Parent Struggling To Find Good Reason Why 5-Year-Old Shouldn’t Be Afraid Of Starting School +Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Join Fox News As Contributor +Self-Esteem Built Up At Theater Camp To Get Shy Student Through First 6 Minutes Of School Year +Sony Announces Discreet New Flesh-Colored VR Helmet That Blends In With Your Face +Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body +Bernie Sanders Launches $16 Trillion Climate Plan +David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity +Impact Of The Massive Fires In The Amazon Rainforest +Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement +Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer +Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round +Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale +Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious Institutions +We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along +Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf +Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For Recession +Brazilian Government Equips Firefighters With Flamethrowers To Combat Massive Amazon Rainforest +Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful +‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic Oak +New Trump Policy Would Permit Indefinite Detention Of Migrant Families +Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been Filmed +Struggling Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Colorado Senate Race To Run For Jefferson County Commissioner +ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses +Cartoon Lasso Works Implausibly Well +Woman Tearfully Parts With Long Hairstyle After Realizing She Can’t Provide It With The Kind Of Care It Deserves +James Bond 25 Gets Title, Release Date +Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition +Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire +Trump Says Any Jewish Person Voting For Democrat Shows ‘Great Disloyalty’ +Tyson Foods Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Using Slaughterhouse Recordings As Pump-Up Anthem At Rallies +Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice +Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering +Football Program In Jeopardy After High School Allocates $500,000 To ‘Little Women’ Production +Four Tons Of Pot Found Buried In Jalapeños +Famous Boycotts In U.S. History +Discovery Channel Pulls Controversial ‘How It’s Made’ Nuclear Power Episode That Gave Iran Access To Top-Secret Designs +Swiss Scientists Develop Cat Allergy Vaccine +‘Cosmopolitan’ Fires Editor After Learning She Lied On Resume About Having Sex +Jill Biden Urges Democratic Voters To Ignore Which Candidates Are Mentally Sharp Enough To Finish Complete Sentences For Good Of Party +Nintendo Confirms Yoshi’s Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance +Character In Thriller Film Totally Unaware 100 Reporters On Front Lawn Until He Opens Door +Ebola Drugs Show 90% Survival Rate +NRA Warns Banning Assault Weapons Would Infringe On Americans’ Constitutional Right To Make Them All Pay +Jay-Z Pledges To Make Sure Colin Kaepernick Gets Contract At NFL Stadium Shop +Jeffrey Epstein Free To Visit Earth 6 Days A Week Under Terms Of Sweetheart Afterlife Deal +Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them +Newt Gingrich Slams ‘New York Times’ 1619 Project As Shameless Abolitionist Propaganda +Trump Advisor Confirms Administration Looking Into Buying Greenland +Sick Boy’s ‘Visit To Heaven’ Sounding More And More Like Wet Dream +After Much Thought, OGN Has Decided To Update Our Review Of ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ From A 9.7 To A 9.6 +Aging Boxing Veteran Wishes Someone Had Told Him Being Punched Unconscious Could Damage His Brain +John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Presidential Race +Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well +Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3 +‘And Then There Were 23,’ Says Wayne Messam Crossing Out Hickenlooper Photo In Elaborate Grid Of Rivals +CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers +Israel Denies Visit To 2 Democrats +Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline +Report: Little League Pitchers Could Avoid Overtaxing Their Arms By, You Know, Getting Somebody Out +Weird Wedding Has Some Kind Of Religious Theme +BREAKING: Hot Damn, 500 Smackers! +Democratic Party: Moving Left Vs. Remaining Moderate +New Study Finds English Developed As Secret Language Between 2 Reclusive European Twins +Dow Drops 800 Points As Fear Of Recession Looms +Wall Street Worried About Key Recession Indicator After Ominous Black Storm Clouds Spotted Atop Mount Money +Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring +Pro-Democracy Hong Kong Protesters Disperse From Airports +J.D. Power And Associates Name 4 Muscular Men Carrying You Everywhere As Best Vehicle In Class +Clingy Wingstop Hounding Man With Dozens Of Messages After Single Drunken Night Together +Postal Service Releases Stamp With Anus On It To See If Anyone Cares What’s On Stamps Anymore +Report: It Crazy MLB Still Counts Stats From Segregated Era +New Leak Reveals That Tom Clancy Will Be Final Boss In ‘Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint’ +Pete Best Reveals He Also Fired From The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, And The Kinks Before They Took Off +22 States Sue Trump Over EPA Rule Rollback +Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies +India’s Tiger Population Doubles In Dozen Years +Pete Buttigieg Charms Crowd At Iowa Truck Stop By Sampling Local Meth +‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ Turns 20 +Waitress Parades Choice Of Pie Slices In Front Of Man Like Madam In High-Class Brothel +Independent Voters Unimpressed By Both Trump And Democrats +Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide +Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors +The Heir Apparent: Now That Ninja Left Twitch, The Next Big Streaming Star Is Probably This Red-Faced Kid Who Plays ‘Hearthstone’ +Pfizer Announces New Antidote For Slow-Acting Poison Currently Coursing Through Bodies Of Millions Of Americans +Poll Finds Climate Change Top Issue For Early State Democratic Voters +Dwindling Kitchen Resources Forcing Man To Scavenge For Food Higher And Higher In Cabinets +Epstein Associates Distance Selves By Insisting They Hadn’t Used His Child Sex Trafficking Ring In Years +NASA Plans For Small Space Station Orbiting Moon +Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein +Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now +Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People +Seth Moulton Spends Afternoon By Radio To See If They Play Campaign Ad +Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog With All The Fixings +Study Finds Healthy Lifestyle Can Cut Risk Of Developing Alzheimer’s By 60% +Man Worried He Has Nothing In Common With Friend Group Apart From Murder They Covered Up 10 Years Ago +Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic Manor +Woman Basks In Magic Of Summer While Opening Her Mouth To Sky To Catch Air-Conditioner Drippings +Men And Women Equally Aroused By Pornography, Study Finds +Koch Foods CEO Applauds Immigrant Arrests As Consequence Of Illegally Accepting Job At Koch Foods +Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills +Manifesto Calls On Fellow White Americans To Rise Up And Maintain Status Quo +NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets +Opioid Deaths Declining +Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra +Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S. +Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago +‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim +New Amazon Service Lets Customers Boost Shipping Speed With Easy One-Click Charge To Whip Delivery Person +Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything +Francis Ford Coppola Spends Afternoon Hawking Samples Of Coppola Winery Cabernet To Indifferent Grocery Store Shoppers +FBI Opens Domestic Terrorism Investigation Into Gilroy, Dayton Shootings +Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough +House Republicans Face Exodus +R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser +‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10 +Mitch McConnell Wonders If He Could’ve Done More To Harm People In Private Sector +Perfectionist Jon Gruden Forces ‘Hard Knocks’ To Film 78th Take Of Scene Where He Cuts Rookie +Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality On Screen +Lawmaker Proposes Bill To Curb Social Media Addiction +iPhone Paranoid Owner Knows It Working With FBI +Nintendo Never Should Have Pandered To Women And Created A Female Mario +Being Eaten Alive By Shark Not Nearly As Terrifying As Man Had Imagined +8Chan, Popular Message Board For Mass Shooters, Goes Dark +‘New York Times’ Amends Recent ‘Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter’ Headline +Sable & Rosenfeld Launches Ad Campaign Rebranding Their Cocktail Onions As Gamer Fuel +Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want Peek At Something Really Crazy +Consumer Report Indicates Slushies Lose 35% of Their Value Within First Year Of Purchase +Medical Procedure Could Delay Menopause By 20 Years +Study Finds Average Squirrel Lives Through Human Equivalent Of 7 Action Films Every Day +Report: There No Way To Suggest Girlfriend Look For Keys In Purse Again Without Sounding Condescending +Trump Aides Go Into Crisis Mode After President’s Errant Remarks Condemning White Supremacy +Impossible Burger Approved To Be Sold In Stores +Thomas Jefferson: ‘The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers And Worshippers And Workers And Occasionally Infants’ +John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of 2020 Presidential Race One Assumes +Music Historians Uncover Evidence Of 18th-Century Viennese Boy Band Mozart Fronted Before Leaving To Pursue Solo Career +Vase Of Flowers On Kitchen Table Probably Memorial For Person Who Died There +Trust In Science Growing, Poll Finds +The History Of ‘The Madden Curse’: The Mysterious Trend Of Cover Art Athletes Who Slowly Transform Into John Madden +Woman Knows Smiling Husband Not Really Flirting With Her But It’s Fun To Pretend +Fossil Records Indicate Early Humans Hunted 25-Foot Giant Paramecium And Other Mega-Protista To Extinction +John Delaney Sends Fundraising Email To Wife Asking To Use More Of Their Money On His Campaign +Man Told He’d Never Make It As Pro Defies Them All By Sucking For 4 Years In AA Ball +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Obama Reportedly Unfazed By Criticism From 2020 Candidates +‘Madden NFL 20’ Debuts Three New Romanceable Kickers +Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Succumbing To Glitzy L.A. Lifestyle After Purchasing Flashy 2016 Subaru +‘Hobbs & Shaw’ Pulled From Theaters Following Reports Of On-Set Mistreatment Of Cars +EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe +Fed Cuts Interest Rates +Virgin Saving Himself For Kinky Couple In Need Of A Third +A Timeline Of U.S.–Iran Relations +Man Gains New Disdain For Band After Seeing Them Live +CRISPR Gene-Editing Tool Used To Treat First U.S. Patient +Man Struggling To Accept Fact That He’ll Never Move Beyond Medium Salsa +Highlights Of The Second Democratic Debates +CNN Under Fire For Failing To Disclose Pro-Iran War Panelist Actually Raytheon DeepStrike Missile +Ethiopia Plants 350 Million Trees In Single Day +Study Finds Reading This Article To Completion Provides Body With 13 Essential Vitamins And Minerals +Lollapalooza Unveils New Air-Conditioned, Soundproof Tent For People Who Definitely Shouldn't Have Come To This +Card-Only Business Discriminates Against Customers Who Just Have Milking Goats To Barter With +Man Likes Ex-Girlfriend’s Tweet In Effort To Smooth Over Emotionally Destroying Her 3 Years Ago +Child Pointing Out Cow On Side Of Road Must Think Parents Don’t Have Fucking Eyes +Trump Aides Investigating Whistleblower Struggling To Identify Single Person In CIA With Moral Principles +Poll Finds Support For Impeachment Growing +Authorities Theorize Santa Anita Race Track Deaths Could Be Work Of Horse Serial Killer +Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Married +Deal Alert: Your Parents Have Promised To Buy You ‘Let’s Go Pikachu’ If You Can Make It Through Rosh Hashanah This Year Without Biting Anyone +Underprepared Second-Grade Teacher Really Leaning On Class’s Slow Readers To Eat Up Some Clock +Friend Group Annoyed They Never See Melissa Anymore Now That She’s Dating Guy Who Keeps Her Locked In Chamber At Top Of Tallest Tower +Intrusive Thought Actually Making Compelling Argument For Taking Clothes Off In Public Park +McDonald’s Testing New Beyond Burger-Based P.L.T. Sandwich +‘New York Times’ Offers To Disclose Whistleblower Identity To Readers Who Subscribe In Next 24 Hours +Creator Of Labradoodle Says Making Breed His Life’s ‘Greatest Regret’ +New Hellmann’s Theme Park To Feature World’s Longest Lazy Mayo River +Cubs Pitching Coach Forced To Clean Up Trembling, Piss-Covered Pitchers After Leaving Them Locked In Bullpen All Day +Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through +How Gentrification Works +Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern To Return For Next ‘Jurassic World’ +Chelsea Manning, Reality Winner Excitedly Hoping Nation’s Newfound Approval Of Whistleblowers Will Get Them Out Of Jail +Al Franken Launching SiriusXM Talk Show +Home Depot Introduces New 100-Pound Bag Of Mulch For Fucking Up Back In Garden Section +Mattel Preempts Backlash Over Gender-Neutral Doll With Release Of New ‘Covered In Genitals’ Barbie +Sean Spicer’s Agent Tells Him If He Calls Trump’s Conduct ‘Troubling’ She Could Probably Get Him On ‘American Ninja Warrior’ +Nation’s Labradoodles Begin Combusting After Regretful Creator Initiates Self-Destruct Sequence Programmed Into Their DNA +Resistance Democrat Racking Brain For Way To Sexualize Anonymous Whistleblower +D.C. Visitors Impressed By Statue Honoring Nation’s First Obelisk President +Experts Recommend Families Have Plan For Ditching Weakest Member In Case Of Disaster +Amazon Signs Pledge To Advance Paris Climate Goals +Authorities Hunt For Arsonist Suspected Of Purifying Dozens Of Buildings In Bath Of Glorious Flame +New Fitness Tracker Monitors Amount Of Exercise Users Watch On TV +Trump Authorizes Release Of Ukraine Call Memo +White House Unveils Lightly Edited Memorandum Of U.S. Constitution That Specifically Declares Trump’s Innocence +NFL Reaffirms Commitment To Player Safety By Eliminating QB Position +Weak, Exhausted Nancy Pelosi Given Saline Drip Following Hours-Long Attempt To Stand Firm In Convictions +Pelosi Announces Formal Impeachment Inquiry Of Trump +Botox Criticized For New Ad Campaign Targeting Millie Bobby Brown +7 Things We Learned From Sony’s ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Media Event +Stuff On TV Show Always Going Wrong +Pros And Cons Of A 4-Day Workweek +Signs Of Trauma On Neolithic Skeleton Indicate Early Humans’ Lifestyle Far More Slapstick Than Previously Thought +Trump Admits To Talking To Ukraine About Biden +Beto O’Rourke’s Son Concerned Trump Will Order Ukraine To Investigate Him Next +Fox News Apologizes For Their Mentally Ill Hosts +Democrats Criticize Trump For Attacking Greta Thunberg Instead Of Praising Her Bravery, Ignoring Her Later +Hitman 2’s New Tropical Resort DLC Lets You Quit Being An Assassin And Become An Ornithologist For The Remainder Of The Game +Greta Thunberg Delivers Fiery Speech At U.N.’s Climate Action Summit +God Fucking Damnit, Live-In Maid Sorted Satins And Cottons Together Again +3-Year-Old Going To Hold In Fact That Cashier Is Fat Until He’s At Checkout +Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise +Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End +Obsessive-Compulsive Baseball Player Has To Touch All 3 Bases Before Going Home +Walmart To Stop Selling All E-Cigarettes +Netflix CEO Chews Out Content Creators In Post-Emmys Locker Room Tirade +Regular Customer Of Sinaloa Cartel Shocked To Learn Organization Funded Death Squads +Viewers Disappointed New ‘Frozen 2’ Trailer Provides Almost No Clues To The Specifics Of Trump’s Conversations With Ukrainian President +House Democrats Issue Condemnation Of Ukraine For Making It Harder To Avoid Impeaching Trump +Quiet Nerdy Kid Lies In Wait For Perfect Moment To Unleash Freestyle Rap Abilities On Classmates +Years Of Playing Tower Defense Games Can’t Prepare You For The Responsibilities Of Defending A Real Tower +U.S. Abortions Hit Record Low +Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic +Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate +Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds +Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001 +‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming +Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Asks Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests +Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day +Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary +NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List +The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’ +Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan +White House Strips California Of Auto Emissions Waiver +Grandmother Contracts Herpes 5 Minutes After Checking Into Nursing Home +Pompeo To Increase Bombing In Afghanistan After Figuring They’ll Miss And Hit Iran At Some Point +Pope Francis Tells Sinner Risky Experimental Sacrament Only Thing Capable Of Saving Him +Netflix Acquires Global Streaming Rights For ‘Seinfeld’ +Holy Shit, Toddler Just Face-Planted Right Onto Sidewalk +Cubs Team Doctor Recommends Anthony Rizzo Rehab Injured Ankle By Engaging In Light Physical Activities Like Baseball +Retail Employee Has Little Daily Ritual Where He Drinks Dr. Pepper In Quiet Corner Of Stock Room And Doesn’t Kill Himself +Netanyahu Falls Short Of Majority In Israeli Election +Adoption Agency Gives Couple Who Waited Long Time An Extra Kid Free Of Charge +New Treatment Stops Common Cold +School Shooter Thankfully Stopped Before Doing Enough Damage To Restart National Gun Debate +Dolphins Fan Starting To Think Brian Flores Not Chief Architect Of Patriots’ Success +‘Law & Order: SVU’ Turns 20 +Philadelphia To Become DirecTV, PA After Cream Cheese Manufacturer Loses Naming Rights +Yang Campaign Giving Away $120,000 For 10 Families +Trump Confirms That It Was Iran Or Some Country Like That Behind Saudi Oil Attacks +I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways… +Woman Reminds Friend She Will Always Be Only A Phone Call, Uninterrupted 45-Minute Monologue About Guy She’s Seeing Away +Nike Recalls Sweat-Wicking Shirts That Pulled Gallons Of Liquid Directly From Wearers’ Bodies +McDonald’s Appealing To Health-Conscious Consumers With New ‘You Can’t Run From Us Forever’ Ad Campaign +Ken Burns Releases ‘Country Music’ Documentary +Game’s 5,000 Hours Of Written Dialogue Spread Over 200 Side Quests And 6 Branching Endings Derided As Rushed, Repetitive +New ESPN Peyton Manning Segment Breaks Down Current Crop Of Quarterback Commercials +New Kavanaugh Sexual Misconduct Claim Emerges +Panicked Ken Burns Worried He In Too Deep With 17-Trillion-Hour ‘The Universe’ Documentary +John Bolton Asked To Leave Condo Board Meeting After Repeatedly Advocating Bombing Isaacsons +BREAKING: Mr. Bennington Completely Lost His Shit In 3rd Period +BREAKING: Kyle Acting Like Petulant Little Shit In 3rd Period +Study Finds Naps Good For Heart +Dying Man’s Greatest Regret Wasting So Much Of Life Obsessing About People He Abducted And Strangled +Grizzled Beer Can Used As Ashtray Watches Another Headstrong 12-Pack Come And Go Through Patio +Working In General Vicinity For 8 Hours A Day Misinterpreted As Friendship +GameStop Somehow Selling Used Version Of Game Day After It Comes Out +Third Democratic Debate Features Narrowing 2020 Field +Harvard Officials Say $8.9 Million Donation From Jeffrey Epstein Was From Brief Recovery Period When He Wasn’t A Pedophile +Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate +Pros And Cons Of Binge-Watching +Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans +Tips For Playing ‘Borderlands 3’ +Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens +Alex Trebek Back On ‘Jeopardy!’ +Moderator Jorge Ramos Asks Candidates How They Would Help Struggling Media Companies With $7.5 Billion Of Debt +Marianne Williamson Materializes On Stage In Cloud Of Purple Smoke With Message That DNC Polling Requirements No Match For Power Of Positive Thinking +Trump Approval Drops 6 Points +Desperate Boy Scouts Officials Announce New ‘You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want’ Membership Campaign +Inspiring: Thousands Of Gamers Have Pitched In To Rescue Consoles Abandoned In The Wake Of Hurricane Dorian +Matthew McConaughey Forced To Apply For Food Stamps After First Month As Adjunct Professor +LEGO Unveils Line Of Playsets Commemorating Children Who Choked To Death On One Of Their Blocks +‘Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,’ Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket +New Biblical Evidence Reveals Christ Suffered Extensive Brain Damage During Time Lying Dead In Tomb +Study Suggests It Could Be Possible To Reverse Biological Age +John Bolton Out As National Security Advisor +New Pop-Up National Park Offers 500 Square Feet Of Pristine Wilderness For Next 2 Days +Nation Solemnly Recalls Horrors Of 9/11 15th-Anniversary Coverage +Rowdy Grandma Double-Fisting Grandchildren +Apple Reveals New iPhones At Yearly September Event +Student Studying To Become Hair Stylist Nervous For Part Where You Practice On Cadavers +House Democrats Vow To Hold President Accountable With Agriculture Bill Where First Letter Of Every Line Spells Out ‘Impeach Trump’ +Facebook Rolls Out Dating Service In U.S. +Ex-CIA Agent Valerie Plame Releases Campaign Video Depicting Her Torturing Voters +Features Of The iPhone 11 +Stephen A. Smith Retreats To Tranquil, Secluded Fig Tree To Contemplate On Meaning Of NFL Week One +Longtime Sleepytime Tea Addict Has To Use 6 Bags Just To Feel Drowsy +Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Support Gun Safety Laws +Indianapolis Motor Speedway Forced To Lower Speed Limit To 20 MPH After Elementary School Opens Next To Straightaway +Real Life ‘DOOM’: This Office Requires A Keycard To Get In +Liberty University Board Concerned Falwell’s Corruption Risks Undercutting College’s Mission Of Subjugating Women And Gay People +Jerry Falwell Jr. Tells Story Of Jesus Getting Revenge On Apostle Who Ratted Out His Corruption Schemes +Trump Calls Off Talks With Taliban +Trump Under Fire For Forcing Astronauts To Stay In Irish Trump Hotel While On Specialized Space Mission +MIT Media Lab Agrees To Return All Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Donated Girls +Historians Reveal Multiple Cradles Of Civilization Each Independently Developed Chicken Tender Basket +Here’s Everything We Know So Far About ‘Super Mario 64’ +Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less Poor +Apologetic Conversion Therapy Founder Offers To Electrocute Past Patients Back Into Being Gay +Financial Advisor Urges Ezekiel Elliott To Set Aside 20% Of Salary For Paying Off Women To Keep Quiet +Piece Of Dog Shit Pretty Picked Over By Time Fly Got There +Nation’s Bison Hold Lavish Fundraiser In Effort To Get 2020 Candidates To Support Environment +Nation’s 30-Year-Olds Pool Money To Buy 2-Bedroom Bungalow Together +Africa Set To Be Declared Polio-Free +Tech Genius In 2120 Devises Revolutionary Concept Of Utilizing Sharp Stick To Harvest Termites +Pros And Cons Of Bilingual Education +OGN Is Retracting Its 9.3/10 For ‘Gears 5’ After Realizing We Haven’t Gotten A Single Dollar From Microsoft +CDC Investigating As Third Teen Ends Up Dead After Wandering Into Mysterious Cloud Of Vape Mist +Joe Pesci So Sick Of Fans Asking To Blowtorch Scalp For Photo Op +WHO Finds No Evidence Of Health Concerns From Microplastics In Water +Marianne Williamson Deletes Tweets About Using Mind To Control Weather After Realizing Nation Unprepared To Wield Such Great Power +Kim Kardashian Tries To Escape L.A. In Rowboat After Realizing Past 12 Years Of Life Have Been TV Show +Struggling Forever 21 Reminds Teens That Parents Won’t Notice $20 Missing From Wallet Every Now And Then +Biden Campaign Concerned After Candidate Gives Unsolicited Back Rub To Coat Rack +U.S. Deficit Will Reach $1 Trillion Next Year +New Even Bleaker ‘Joker’ Reboot Features Elderly Comic Book Villain Struggling To Care For Wife After Stroke +Meghan McCain Defends Right To Own Dozens Of Guns She’s Hidden In Strategic Parts Of ‘The View’ Set +WHO: Measles Has Made Comeback In 4 European Nations +Inclusive New Texas Bill Prevents Gun Sellers From Discriminating On Basis Of Background Check +Gregg Popovich Invites Tim Duncan To Address Team USA On Dangers Of Hypernationalism +Report: Best Indicator Of Kickass Party Still Pizza Spinning On Turntable +Winchester Widens Consumer Reach With New 4.50-Caliber Bullets For Non-Gun Owners To Pelt Targets With +How 2020 Presidential Candidates Can Raise Their Polling Numbers +Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall +Obamas Sign Exclusive 6-Truck Deal To Produce Series Of Mid-Size RAM Pickups +NASA Investigating First-Ever Crime Committed In Space +‘Help! Help! Who Am I? Where Am I? Who Are You People?’ Says Biden In Embarrassing Campaign Gaffe +Diner Who Previously Put Wadded-Up Napkin On Center Of Plate Comes Out Of Retirement To Take One Last Stab At Burger +Nation’s Nonfiction Writers Announce Plans To Keep Writing Down Things That Happened +Nation Returns To Work From Labor Day Weekend +Deal Alert: A Beluga Whale Beached Itself With A Stomach Full Of Classic N64 Cartridges +Democrats Launch New ‘Listen Up, Hayseeds’ Campaign To Connect With Rural Voters +Teenagers Making Out In Park Have No Idea What The Hell They’re Doing +Unconscious Amazon Employee Chastised For Not Filing Time-Off Request +Going Too Far?: Nintendo Has Responded To Complaints That Marth Is Too Overpowered In ‘Smash’ By Giving Him Fibromyalgia +Report: This To Be History’s Last-Ever Reference To 19th-Century Seamstress Florence Shadewell +Man Asks Every Trick-Or-Treater If They’re The Real Dracula Just In Case +Poll Shows Support For Impeachment Weakest Among Uncontacted Amazonian Tribes Who Know Nothing Of Our Ways +Twitter Drops All Political Ads +‘Hey You, Want To Be A Federal Judge?’ Says Mitch McConnell Pointing To Valet In Heritage Foundation Parking Lot +Nationals Admit World Series Win Would Be Way Sweeter If Franchise Was Still In Montréal +Federal Judge Blocks Alabama Abortion Ban +It’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of Demons +‘The Witcher’ Producers Assure Gamers Netflix Series Will Include All 400 Side Quests From ‘Wild Hunt’ +Astros Fan Announcing Game 7 After Joe Buck Scalps Press Pass For $25,000 +‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today +Largest U.S. Coal Mining Company Files For Bankruptcy +Silicon Valley Leaders Sit Down With Wildfire At Investment Meeting After Being Impressed By Its Rapid Expansion +Pumpkin Carving Tips +Vindman Says Ukraine Transcript Left Out Lengthy Sections Of Trump Bragging About Time He Was In Pizza Hut Commercial +ExxonMobil Introduces New 8-Course Gasoline Tasting Menu For Luxury Cars +House To Vote On Impeachment Inquiry +God Recalls Time He Pulled Wings Off Angel As Child +Man Remembers Exactly Where He Was In ‘Final Fantasy X’ When He Heard About 9/11 +ISIS Leader Killed In U.S. Raid +Bernie Sanders Holds Secret Campaign Meeting With 15,000 Working-Class Democratic Donors +U.S. Deficit Hits $984 Billion +Exterminator Composes Self In Driveway So Kids Won’t Know He Saw Cricket Die At Work Today +ISIS Member Unsure Whom To Submit PTO Request To +‘Again, Again, Again!’ Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video +Trump Organization Considering Selling D.C. Hotel +Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania +Deal Alert: You Can Save $60 By Exhibiting Some Fiscal Responsibility For Once In Your Life And Not Buying The New ‘Call Of Duty’ +Greatest Genius In Cow History Killed, Eaten +Milestone In Polio Elimination Reached +Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket +Fair-Weather Bills Fan Not Even Banned From Stadium +Dad Reports Old Guy Being Honored On Field Always Choked In Playoffs +Report: Make It Stop +Sympathetic Representatives Let Lindsey Graham Into Impeachment Hearing After It Becomes Clear He Came To Disrupt It Alone +White House Urges Federal Agencies To Cancel ‘New York Times,’ ‘Washington Post’ Subscriptions +‘What About All The Good Times?’ Says Cornered President Calling On Nation To Remember Covfefe And The Saudi Arabia Orb +Out-Of-Work Robert Mueller Opens Investigation Into Whether Squirrels Knowingly Ate From Bird Feeder +Pope Francis Teaches Parishioners Dangers Of Sinning By Showing Them Cross Section Of Black, Desiccated Soul +California Combatting Wildfire Risk By Shutting Off Oxygen To Thousands Of Residents +Dumbass Apple Picker Goes For Overripe McIntosh Red When Pink Lady Cleary Best Option Given The Topography, Time Of Harvest +Teens Frantically Cleaning Up Mess From Homicide Before Vacationing Parents Return +Scientists Train Rats To Drive Tiny Cars To Collect Food +Making Amends: Blizzard Added A Drawing Of Xi Jinping Getting Pinched On The Ass By A Crab To All Spawn Rooms On Overwatch’s Lijiang Tower Map +Internet Cat Has Girth That One Might Say Is Unusual Among His Species +Pros And Cons Of Getting A Flu Shot +Concerned Charlize Theron Fans Raise Millions For What Must Be Serious Medical Bills After Seeing Actress In Budweiser Ad +New ‘Westworld’ Trailer Teases Long-Awaited Arrival Of Dramatic Stakes +MIT Researchers Make Breakthrough On Marionette Strings That Allow Paralyzed Man To Walk +Anonymous ‘New York Times’ Op-Ed Writer To Publish Trump Book +Trump Ties Thousands Of Balloons To White House Roof In Attempt To Sail Away From Impeachment Inquiry +Republicans Storm National Statuary Hall, Demand To Be Allowed Into Elijah Cummings’ Casket +Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy +Premiums Drop Sharply For Popular Obamacare Plans +Dak Prescott Gains 80 Pounds, Moves Back In With Parents To Prepare For Role In Chunky Soup Ad +Pelicans HR Informs Zion Williamson Knee Surgery Not Covered By Insurance Until 90 Days Into First Season +Trudeau Wins Second Term +How Financial Bubbles Work +WeWork HR Invites Employees To Sign Goodbye Checks For Departing CEO +Nation’s Moms Get Started On Their Sorta-Funky Witch Costumes +Kanye West Scrambling To Get Sample Clearance From God Ahead Of ‘Jesus Is King’ Release +Chemists Announce Upgraded Periodic Table With Dozens Of New Elements For Just $4 A Month +Poll Finds Buttigieg Rises To Third Place In Iowa +Badass Adult Education Student Spends Whole Vegetarian Cooking Class Mouthing Off +Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias +Secret Service Opens Fire On Section Of Slippery Floor That Attempted To Take Out President Carter +Trump Apologizes For Impeachment Comment After Learning Disturbing History Of 1918 Lynching Of German American Immigrant Robert Prager +Netanyahu Fails To Form New Israeli Government +Area Woman Will Have To Be Way More Fucking Pregnant Than That If She Wants To Be Offered Subway Seat +Tragic: The Man Who Tried To Bring Attention To The Crisis Of Gaming Lag By Sailing Across The Ocean On A PS4 Has Already Drowned +Poll: Fewer Americans Identifying As Religious +Newly Discovered Scrolls Suggest Jesus Devoured Twin Messiah In Womb +Scientists Discover Oil Originally Buried Deep Underground By Early Humans Desperate To Shield Humanity From Its Consequences +Study Finds Medical Marijuana Effective For Treating Long-Term Pain Over Jerry Garcia’s Death +Energy Secretary Rick Perry Resigns +Assad Starting To Feel Like Friendship With Tulsi Gabbard One-Sided After She Calls Just To Complain About The Election Again +Mark Zuckerberg Argues High Taxes On Wealthy Could Stifle Innovation In Human Suffering +Director Sadly States Cancel Culture Would Never Let You Make Zapruder Film In Today’s Climate +Drama Queen Waiter Completely Full of Shit About Plate Being Too Hot To Touch +Juul Halts Sale Of Fruit-Flavored E-Cigarettes +Community Holds Vigil Honoring Child Killed Before Having Opportunity To Return Fire +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Luigi's Mansion 3’ +Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List +Trump Miami Resort To Host Next Year’s G-7 +Mark Zuckerberg Announces All Of Facebook’s Future Decisions Will Be Made By The Cube Of Justice +New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth +Halloween Pop-Up Store Has Pick Of Every Storefront In Rust Belt Town +Trump Says Syria Situation ‘Not Our Problem’ +Arguments For And Against Filming Live Performances +NFL Game Day Prepper Stockpiles Coolers Of Bud Light, Hundreds Of Pounds Of Grilled Meat In Underground Bunker +Mark Zuckerberg Delivers Free Speech Manifesto +Aggressive Flagellate Just Going Around Whipping Other Single-Celled Organisms +Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Like Homeless Man If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong +RoseArt Recalls Colored Pencils After Hundreds Of Kids Sucked Into Magical Drawing World +John Bolton Called Trump Ukraine Deal A ‘Drug Deal’ +Resistance Democrats Cheer Nancy Pelosi After Viral Photo Surfaces Of Her Sitting Quietly And Deferring To Room Of Corporate Lobbyists +Man Starting To Think Addams Family Not Like Other Families +PlayStation 5 Confirmed For Holiday 2020 +‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive!’ Shouts Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories +Trump Supporter Comes Away From Democratic Debate With Pretty Clear Idea Of Which Candidate He’s Going To Kill +Cyberbullying Alert: Gamers Are Ganging Up To Harass This Defenseless Chinese Communist Party Leader +Scientists Pretending To Be Interested In Kicker Offering Up Brain For Research +Americans Tune Into Fourth Democratic Debate +Gun Salesman Invites Customer To Take AR-15 For Spin Around Neighborhood +Pros And Cons Of Whistleblowing +Bounty Unveils New Ultra-Thin Paper Towels For More Natural Feeling While Wiping Up Spills +Man Can’t Look At Angel Flying Down From Heaven To Save Drowning Child And Not Feel Like There Must Be Some Higher Power Out There +Bernie Sanders Renounces Call For Economic Equality After Brush With Death Teaches Him Money Isn’t Everything +Tom Steyer Upgrades To Luxury-Class Debate Section With Hot Towels, Beverage Service +CNN Moderator Desk Crowded After 16 Pundits Qualify For Debate +‘Oh Goddamnit,’ Says Pete Buttigieg After Realizing None Of Opponents Dressed Up For Pre-Halloween Debate +Blizzard Entertainment Faces Public Backlash For Banning Esports Champion +Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good +NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up And Take Some Heat Off +Hunter Biden Admits It Was Poor Judgment To Be Involved With Corrupt Biden Family +911 Operator Informs Black Caller That Death Is On The Way +State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church +Dog Ownership Linked To Longer Life +Patriotism FTW: ‘Call Of Duty: Mobile’ Will Now Only Allow Guns To Be Used By Players On American Side +Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice, Simmering Seafood Bisque By 2040 +Shepard Smith Abruptly Departs Fox News +Report: You May Not Remember Mom’s Friend, But Mom’s Friend Sure Remembers You +Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans +Jubilant ISIS Prisoners Hail American Liberators +Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately +‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweets +Conspiracy Theory Wastes No Time Getting Racist +Report: Looks Like Ex Gained Some Weight Ever Since They Started Dating Someone Better +For Its 33rd Year, OGN Adamantly Refuses To Report On The Pinball Expo ‘Flip Out’ Tournament Or Any Pinball-Related News +CDC Finds STDs At All-Time High +Department Of Education Vows To Crack Down On Cocky Little Assholes Who Hand In Test Early +Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands +‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides +PG&E Makes Amends For Power Outages By Pumping Wires Full Of So Much Electricity That Plugging In Lamp Will Kill You +2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges +Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho +Preview: ‘Pokémon Sword and Shield’ Is Sadly Marred By The Addition Of Sponsored Content Pokémon Like Boo Berry, Pep Boy Moe, And Florida Orange +3M Releases Command Self-Adhesive Meat Hooks For Serial Killers Trying To Reduce Clutter +Montgomery, Alabama Elects First Black Mayor +Timeline Of The GOP’s Relationship With Trump +Movie Theater Security Reports Suspicious Behavior After Patron Buys Ticket To ‘Gemini Man’ +Biden Calls For Trump’s Impeachment +Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together +PS5 vs. Xbox Project Scarlett: What We Know So Far +Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza +Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting +3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe +Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady +‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus,’ Thinks Devin Nunes Filing Lawsuit Against Mocking Twitter Accounts +Video Game Sword Master Teaches Pupil Unbeatable Secret Technique Of Backpedaling Away From Foes While Wildly Swinging Weapon +Trump Assures Kurds There Will One Day Be Very Nice Tree Planted In D.C. Commemorating Their Deaths +Dallas Cops Plant Black Suspect At Murder Scene +Trump Blocks U.S. Ambassador From Testifying To Congress +Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum +Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’ +Timeline Of Healthcare In America +Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins +Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road +Trump Pulling U.S. Troops From Northern Syria +Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps +New Supreme Court Term To Take On Issues Including Gay Rights, Abortion +GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn +Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback +Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’ +NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month +Home Depot CEO Mulls Loosening Organization’s Celibacy Requirement +Banksy Painting Sells For Record $12.2 Million +Report: New Suit, Sir? +FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers +Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver +Trying Their Best: The ‘Gears Of War’ Twitter Account Just Posted A Tribute To Black History Month Even Though The Timing’s Way Off +Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of A Lot Of Painful Self-Reflection +Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating +Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy +Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game +Nation’s Top Pseudoscientists Harness High-Energy Quartz Crystal Capable Of Reversing Effects Of Being Gemini +Trump Publicly Calls For China, Ukraine To Investigate Bidens +Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile +Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked +Giuliani: ‘When The Going Gets Tough, I Can Always Look Back Fondly On The Events Of 9/11’ +Vontaze Burfict Expresses Deep Regret For Letting Jack Doyle Live +New Patriotic Gatorade Ad Shows Terrorists Being Waterboarded With Gatorade +Investors Return To Saudi Arabia Year After Khashoggi Killing +Pros And Cons Of A Wealth Tax +FBI Warns ‘Downton Abbey’ Screenings Could Be Target For Shootings By Disgruntled Royalist +Sanders Cancels Campaign Events To Receive Heart Stents +Kamala Harris Undergoes Heart Surgery After Seeing Positive Reception For Sanders +Fisher-Price Recalls Dangerous 30-Foot-Tall High Chair +‘Please Guide Me In My Darkest Hour Lord,’ Prays Trump Kneeling Before Portrait Of Himself +Justin Trudeau Explains Deep Spiritual Significance Of Oil Pipelines Through Indigenous Lands +‘Seinfeld’ Producers Reveal They Originally Planned To Kill Off Jerry In The Pilot +The Most Terrifying Horror Games Of All Time +Woman Holds Off Buying Herself New Headphones So Boyfriend Can Surprise Her With Shittier Version For Her Birthday +Excited CDC Employees Begin Decorating For Flu Season +Controversial New Guidelines Says No Need To Cut Back On Red Meat +New NCAA Rule Forces Athletes To Remove All Facial Features To Prevent Them From Profiting Off Likeness +Amazon Issues Reminder To Employees About Bringing In Outside Thoughts To Work +Mark Zuckerberg Says He Will Sue If Elizabeth Warren Became President +Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9 +‘Are You The Whistleblower?’ Trump Boys Ask White House Janitor After Giving Him Serum Of All The Sodas Mixed Together +J. Lo, Shakira To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show +His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult +Glade Introduces New Vanilla Passion Fruit Unmanned Aerial Application Vehicle +Pros And Cons Of E-Cigarettes +Crime Scene Has All The Different Types Of Cops +Trump Suggests Arresting Adam Schiff For Treason +New Facebook Terms Of Service Includes Compulsory Conscription Into Zuckerberg’s Upcoming War Against Government +Rudy Giuliani Subpoenaed Amidst Trump Impeachment Inquiry +Nutritionists Report They Wouldn’t Have To Figure Out Which Foods Were Bad For You If Americans Just Ate Normal For Once +How To Get The Secret ‘Objective Failed’ Ending In ‘Gears 5’ +Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home +70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kids +Bill Belichick Praises Patriots’ Discipline And Dedication In Building The Device +TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs +Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee +‘Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Cast Members Clock Into Amazon Warehouse For Mandatory Black Friday Overtime Shift +Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After Forming Close Friendship With Roasted Turkey Leg +Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing +Ovechkin Shanks Slapshot Into Stands After Unruly Fan Coughs During Backswing +New Sip-And-Weld Studio Provides Opportunity To Drink Wine, Create Own Masterpiece With Blowtorch +Man Worried Partner Hasn’t Been Attracted To Him Ever Since He Got Head Stuck In Fence +‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend +Coal Production Shows Record Declines In 2019 +Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement +Timeline Of Online Advertising +Supreme Court Denies ‘Serial’ Subject Hearing +Eddie Gallager Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Nightmare About Watching Innocent Iraqi Women Minding Their Own Business +Pope Condemns Nuclear Weapons In Hiroshima +Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved +Johnson & Johnson CEO Idly Wonders How Much Money He’d Make Off National Tylenol Epidemic +Devin Nunes Involved In Push For Ukraine Biden Investigation +Facial Recognition Software Knows It Has Seen Man Before But Can’t Remember His Name +Celebrate ‘Attack On Titan’ With These Incredible Fan Drawings Of Eren Yeager That Have Nothing Whatsoever To Do With Video Games +Typical American Teen Struggles To Balance Demands Of School, Pansexual Orgies, And Drug Raves +Coldplay To Skip Tour Due To Environmental Concerns +Groundbreaking Chef Transforms Culinary World With Choice To Use Fresh, High-Quality Ingredients +Kyrie Irving Debuts Signature Shoe Inspired By RFID Chips Government Secretly Implants In Anesthetized Patients +Israeli Prime Minister Indicted +Child Wondering Why Older Brother Only One To Get Funeral +Yes, Gandhi’s ‘Civilization VI’ Outfit Is Sexy, But It Would Be Seriously Impractical On A Real Battlefield +‘I Could Spare Some Change,’ Says Man About To Become Buttigieg Campaign’s Top Black Donor +Lawsuit Claims Burger King Impossible Burgers Contaminated With Meat +Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question +The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History +Plan B Unveils New Line Of Space-Time Wormholes To Prevent Intercourse From Ever Happening +Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms +Congress Approves $3 Billion In Military Aid For Netanyahu To Defend Self Against Israeli Justice System +Sondland Testifies He Pressured Ukraine Into Biden Investigation +Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master +Only Person Who Ever Truly Saw World For What It Is Starts Antidepressant Medication +Sweating, Grunting Mike Pence Straining To Rapture Himself Before Impeachment Inquiry Goes Any Further +DNC Server Celebrates Escape From U.S. Jurisdiction Surrounded By Bikini-Clad Women On Yacht In Black Sea +‘Frozen 2’ Creators Confirm That Elsa Gay But Also Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist +Democrats Hold Fifth Presidential Debate +Two Charged In Epstein Death +Awesome Tie-In: Thousands Of Dock Workers Across America Have Been Driving Forklifts As An Apparent Shadow Promotion For ‘Shenmue 3’ +Cory Booker Taken Aback To Find Dozens Of Pictures Of Himself On Buttigieg Campaign Flyers +Bengals Assure Injury Prone Tua Tagovailoa He Can Have Any Of Andy Dalton's Organs +Chick-Fil-A Ending Donations To Anti-LGBTQ Organizations +Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface +Biggest Revelations From The Anonymous Trump Official’s New Book +Ornithologists Awarded $10 Million Grant To Research Whether That Big Bird Up There A Hawk +Kanye West Debuting Opera +Report Confirms That Being Unable To Keep Track Of Mass Shootings Technically Counts As Not Giving Attention To Shooters +Literary Historians Discover Hemingway’s Dad Bulk Purchased 70,000 Copies Of ‘The Sun Also Rises’ To Get Son On Bestseller List +FBI Solving 80% More Cases After Getting Great Big Magnifying Glass +Bloomberg Apologizes For Stop And Frisk +‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out +Pete Buttigieg Jumps To First Place In Iowa +Buttigieg Campaign Appeals To Moderate Republicans By Touting Low Approval Among Black Voters +Biologists Recommend Trees Put Aside A Little Phosphorus For Unexpected Emergencies +Safety Experts Recommend Shouting ‘Free Donuts’ Instead Of ‘Rape’ To Receive Help More Quickly +Chinese Users Employing PornHub To Criticize Hong Kong Protesters +Spider Panics After Losing Track Of Human It Noticed Scurry Across Floor +Unclear Which Beach House Song This Is, Reports Lead Singer Of Beach House +Pelosi Suggests Trump Committed Bribery +NFL Rescinds Myles Garrett Suspension After Review Footage Clearly Shows Mason Rudolph’s Punchable Fucking Face +How Political Ads Are Made +Colin Kaepernick’s Agents Assure Teams His CTE Has Progressed Just As Much As Other Players Over 3-Year Hiatus +Yovanovitch Testifies That She Was Removed To Make Way For Corrupt Back Channel But Gets If No One Cares About Anything Anymore +Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak +‘Jedi Fallen Order Is A Star Wars Game Through And Through,’ And 8 Other Lines Of Praise Electronic Arts Strongly Suggested We Use In Our Review +Flu Outbreak Reduces Class Sizes To Level Appropriate For Learning +Disappointing: Microsoft Confirmed That Project Scarlett Is Actually Just A Brothel They’re Building In Thailand Where Xboxes Can Go To Be Pleasured +Report: Some Company Called Scampr Already Lost $12.5 Billion At Launch And Has Gone Bankrupt +Tips For Playing ‘Pokémon Sword And Shield’ +Six Flags Unsure If They Need To Apologize For Parkgoer Who Managed To Get Decapitated By Bumper Cars +More Americans Now Surviving Lung Cancer +Magnanimous MLB Awards MVP To Hardworking Stadium Concession Staffers +Area Man Loads Up On Half-Priced Armistice Day Candy +‘Washington Post’ Impeachment Critic Gives Insipid Day One Inquiry 2 Out Of 5 Andrew Johnsons +Venice Facing Worst Flood Tide In Years +Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt +Deval Patrick Acquires High Favorability Numbers, Good Iowa Polling After Leveraged Buyout Of Buttigieg Campaign +Woman Knows Husband Just Acting Affectionate Because He Wants Food +Paralyzed Mike Pence Lies Against Bathroom Wall For Hours After Encountering Doorknob That Looks Like Female Breast +Girlfriend Must Have Been Drinking When She Texted Picture Of Knitted Scarf At Midnight +Amazon Launching Own Grocery Store +‘Pokémon’ Fans Are Up In Arms With Game Freak’s Refusal To Include A National Sex Offender Registry In ‘Sword and Shield’ +Fan Wishes Team Was Sponsored By A Cooler Corporation +Brutal Arctic Blast Sweeping Across Country +Police Officer On Desk Duty Placed On Empty-Room Duty After Brutally Beating Drawer +Paraguay Panics After Discovering Rich Deposit Of Natural Resources +Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals +Public Phase Of Impeachment Hearings Begin +Crack Of Gunfire Resounding Through Office Gives Woman Perfect Cover She Needs To Bite Into Crisp Apple +Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator +Sacramento Pledges To Power Arena With 100% Windmill Dunk Energy By 2030 +Features Of Disney Plus +Disney Plus Apologizes For Apparently Being All That Some Actual Adults Have +Tiny, Rejuvenated Jimmy Carter Emerges From Pile Of Ashes After Aged Ex-President Bursts Into Flames +Hong Kong Police Shoot And Injure Protester +College Freshman Annoyed About Having To Room With 47-Year-Old Adjunct Professor +Disney Plus Suffers Miserable Debut After Tennis Channel Launches Streaming Service On Same Day +Young Blood Transfusion Startup Reopens +Pack Members Worried Young Wolf May Be Sociopath After He Mauls Rabbit +Dalai Lama Triumphantly Names Successor After Discovering Woman With ‘The Purpose Of Our Lives Is To Be Happy’ Twitter Bio +Michael Bloomberg Set For 2020 Run +Officials Say Outbreak Of Australian Wildfire May Have Spread From Engulfed Passenger Traveling From U.S. +Mom Casually Rattles Off The Names, Ages Of Alec Baldwin’s Children +BREAKING: You Wanna Fucking Go? +United Airlines Announces Plan To Take Over Lolita Express Routes +Fascinating History: The Director Of The Original ‘Silent Hill 2’ Just Revealed That The Game’s Iconic Fog Was A Workaround To Hide All The ‘Dilbert’ Strips They Couldn’t License +Newly Pregnant Woman A Little Too Quick To Remind Everyone She Gets To Have One Glass Of Wine A Week +Congo Warlord Sentenced To 30 Years For War Crimes +Referee Reviewing Replay Excited To See Self On TV +Lions Switch To No-Coverage Defense To Prevent Mitch Trubisky From Losing Starting QB Job +Judge Orders Trump To Pay $2 Million For Charity Misuse +‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning Stories +ABC News Fires Hot Mic For Converting Sound Waves Of Anchor Revealing Network Spiked Epstein Story +Hallmark Apologizes For Role In Supplying Third Reich With Greeting Cards +Tips For Testifying Before Congress +Performance Art Thieves Rappel From MoMa Ceiling To Steal Nude Marina Abramović Whipping Self With Flaming Rose +Big Tech Donates Billions To Help With California Housing +‘New Day, Same Bullshit,’ Whispers Dalai Lama Before Slapping On Smile To Greet The Masses +Recently Divorced Dad Waiting For Right Time To Introduce Children To Woman He Hooked Up With Last Night +Tips For Getting Started On ‘Death Stranding’ +‘No, God, No!’ Screams Agonized James Dean Disappearing From Heaven As Filmmakers Finish Constructing CGI +Democrats Make Major Gains In Virginia, Kentucky Elections +Gates Foundation Pledges $25 Billion To Eradicate Whatever Disease Drives People To Support Taxing The Rich +DNC Leaders Bury Heads In Hands After New Moderate Presidential Recruit Immediately Walks Into Oncoming Traffic +Man Watches Video About Habits Of Effective Artists So He Too Can Be Effective Artist +Billions Of Blessed Souls Forced To Wander Earth During Heavenly Fumigation +NASA Sends Oven For Cookies To Space +Audience Participant Feels Like Drag Queen Deliberately Misconstruing His Answers +I Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax Shepard +Ford CEO Worried He Never Bringing Back Jobs He Outsourced +Sondland Changes Testimony To Confirm Quid Pro Quo Claims +NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape +U.S. Gives Formal Notice Of Exit From Paris Accords +Report: Little Help Here? +Catholic Priest Stuck In Remote Backwater Town Thinking About Molesting Kid Just To Get Transferred +Timeline Of U.S.–Syria Relations +5 States Hold Major Elections +NYC Opens $500 Million Decoy Subway Station To Catch Turnstile Jumpers +Bad News, Gamers! ‘Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020’ Will Be The Last Game +Hardline Pastry Chef Displays American Flag With Raspberry Cream Stripe To Honor Sacrifices Bakers Make Every Day +Visa Introduces New Preloaded Debt Card +Sanders Calls His Medicare-For-All Plan ‘Much More Progressive’ Than Warren’s +Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time +‘America Needs To Dream Bigger,’ Declares Aaron Sorkin To Burberry Employee Who Informed Him Coat He Wanted Out Of Stock +‘The Onion’ Announces New Nationwide Literacy Program Encouraging Kids To Read ‘The Onion’ For An Hour A Day +CNN Responds To Richard Spencer Comments By Apologizing For Not Getting Him To Say Those Things On The Show +Popeyes Fried Chicken Sandwich Returns +Man Spends Hours Surfing Internet Rather Than Dealing With Real Pressing Issues In ‘Harvest Moon: Light Of Hope’ +Report: It Going To Take A Lot More Than ‘Love Shack’ To Bring Wedding Guest Out To Dance Floor +Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Eating Meat +Cocktail Menu Scanned For Drink With Fewest Unfamiliar Ingredients +Nation Celebrates Halloween +New Exhibit At Dallas Visitor’s Center Focuses On Things That Went Right During JFK’s November 1963 Visit +House Formalizes Impeachment Proceedings +TC Energy Says Keystone Pipeline Failed Due To Protestors Making It Lose Confidence In Itself +‘Sesame Street’ Introduces Paranoid-Schizophrenic Muppet To Educate Kids About Pat Sajak Stealing Your Empty Tuna Cans +NCAA To Allow Compensation For College Athletes +‘Someone’s In Here!’ Says Man In Restroom Asserting Own Existence For First Time In Months +The 10 Greatest Games Of The Past Decade +Best Podcasts Of The Decade +Best Albums Of The Decade +Trent Reznor Ruins 31st Consecutive Holiday Season By Talking About How Christianity A Bunch Of Bullshit +Best TV Shows Of The Decade +Devastated Family Struggling To Get Through First Christmas Since Dad Returned +Best Movies Of The Decade +Report: Make It Stop +Tips For Displaying Artwork In Your Home +Prominent Evangelical Magazine Calls For Removing Trump From Holy Trinity +Americans Tune In Reduced-Field Democratic Debate +Antsy, Jonesing Nation Demands New Grinch Content +Deal Alert: Got A Nintendo Switch And Amazon Prime? Well, Look At You, Mr. Moneybags +Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2013 +DNC Bows To Pressure By Adding Andrew Cuomo To Increase Ethnic Representation On Debate Stage +DNC Eases Debate Requirements To 0.1% Above Whatever Cory Booker Polling +Sad ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Fan Can’t Believe There Never Going To Be Another ‘Star Wars’ Movie +Chinese Government Justifies Mass Surveillance By Explaining That All Of Life A Grand Performance +Fans Line Up For ‘Rise of the Skywalker’ +Trump Claims He Knows John Dingell Is In Hell Because He Sees Window Into Terrifying Inferno Every Time He Closes His Eyes +CG Supervisor For ‘Cats’ Thought He Actually Did An Okay Job +Man Still Can’t Believe He’s Not A Virgin +Body-Positive Male Ally Worried Girlfriend Has Been Packing On The Beauty Lately +All The Substitute Teachers We Absolutely Wrecked In 2019 +Middling ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Review Leaves Fan On Fence About Whether To Threaten To Kill Critic +Dogs And Cats Who Were Certain You’d Be The One To Adopt Them In 2019 +Our Most Blatant Attempts To Shoehorn An Anecdote About The Monterey Bay Aquarium Into An Unrelated Conversation In 2019 +President Impeached +GOP Turns Dozens Of House Democrats Away From Impeachment For Failing To Provide Adequate Voter ID +Congressman Could’ve Sworn Last Impeachment Was Catered +Barack Obama: Women Are Better Leaders Than Men +Poll Finds 54% Of Americans Approve Executing Trump But Leaving Him In Office +Recycling: Myth Vs. Fact +Trump Calls Democrats ‘Deranged’ In 6-Page Letter To Pelosi +Insurance Company Annoyed Customer Doesn’t Realize They Were Just Being Polite When They Said They’d Cover Healthcare Bills +Study Finds Comparing Yourself To Others Actually Pretty Good Way To Gauge Success +‘United 93’ Director Announces Remastered Edition Digitally Removing WTC From Film +Chance The Rapper Cancels 2020 Tour +Area Man Has Little Present For You +Congress Reaches $1.4 Trillion Spending Deal To Award Entire Budget To One Lucky American +Congress To Ban Sales Of Tobacco To Anyone Under Age Of 21 +Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2010 +All Of Area Man’s Positive Qualities Stolen From Past Friends +Luddite In 2070 Refuses To Merge Consciousness With Self-Driving Hyundai Elantra +Writers Retreat Gives Aspiring Novelists Opportunity To Receive Critical Feedback From Other Nobodies +A Life Unfinished: Stephen Hawking’s Estate Just Revealed The Genius Astrophysicist Died With Only 91% Completion For ‘The Witcher 3’ +2020 Frontrunners Back Call To Ease Debate Rules +Clint Eastwood Propositions Film Critic To Obtain More Positive Review Of ‘Richard Jewell’ +Dalai Lama Announces Before Reincarnating His Spirit Will Probably Fly To Moon And Hang Out For A Bit +‘And Then Those 12 People Send It To 12 People—That’s 144 People!” Says Cory Booker Describing Campaign Newsletter Strategy To Rosario Dawson +Harvey Weinstein Laments Being Treated Like He Didn’t Put Whole #MeToo Movement On The Map +U.N. Climate Talks End In Whimper +God To Leave Humanity In Hands Of Babysitter Kayla While He Checks Out New Restaurant +Everything You Need To Know About ‘Resident Evil 3’ +Drew Brees Hoping Family Doesn’t Just Get Him Football For Christmas Again +Pathetic Man Cries When He’s Upset Rather Than Screaming At 3-Year-Old Son To Shut The Fuck Up +The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 16, 2019 +Senate Recognizes Armenian Genocide +Cubs Sign Sammy Sosa To $300 Million Deal Just To Give Casual Fans Point Of Reference +Report: People Talk, You Know? +Boris Johnson Prevails In Landslide U.K. Victory +Woman Not As Fun-Loving And Carefree As Pom-Pom On Winter Hat Would Suggest +Patriots Claim Unsanctioned Recording Was Only For Project Julian Edelman Working On For Filmmaking Class +Hungover Coworker A Little Too Functional Morning After Holiday Party Not To Be Alcoholic +Tokyo Drivers Gridlocked As 12-Legged Catbus Overturns On Highway +Israel Heads To Third Election +‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts And Merits Of Impeachment +Gordon Hayward Confident He Still Has His Most Gruesome Injuries Ahead Of Him +Las Vegas Residents Worried That Proposed Construction Of New Casino In Town Will Bring In Riff-Raff +Poll: Trump Leads Top 2020 Democrats In Iowa +Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President +Hiker Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail +Man Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening They Need +10 Best Places To Raise A Family +New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet +NYC Buildings To Require Bird-Friendly Glass +Sad: The Elderly Dutch Man Who Inspired The ‘X’ Button On The PlayStation Controller Has Passed Away +Nation Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of Fruit +Merriam-Webster Names ‘They’ Word Of The Year +Company’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months +Democrats Unveil Articles Of Impeachment +Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers +Pros And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political Ads +God Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco +Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’ +Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Been Born +American Public Misled For Years About War In Afghanistan +IG Report Finds Errors But No Anti-Trump Plot In Russia Investigation +8 Most Popular College Majors +National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’ +Russian Olympic Program Denies Steroids Played Role In 8-Year-Old Gymnast Hurling Balance Beam Through Wall To Escape +Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty +Massive Pro-Democracy Protest Rocks Hong Kong +Trump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience +So-Called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him +Best PS4 Games Out Right Now +Learned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed +House Passes Bill To Limit Robocalls +Pete Buttigieg Blames Inability To Disclose Political Stances On NDA With Buttigieg Campaign +Nearly 700,000 To Lose Food Stamps With USDA Work Requirement +World Wildlife Fund Apologizes After Years Of Working With Well-Known Whale Pedophile +10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make +Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law +Pelosi Says House Will Proceed With Articles Of Impeachment +Sight Of His Beautiful Bride Walking Down Aisle Fills Man With Overwhelming Happyish Feeling +Man Doesn’t Want To Put Too Much Effort Into Fixing Up House He Just Going To Burn Down For Insurance Fraud One Day +Timeline Of Andrew Johnson’s Impeachment +Jimmy Carter Released From Hospital +Sonny Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years +Mother Confident That Adult Son’s Cycle Of Emotional Terrorism Will Calm Down Once He Finds The Right Girl +Boris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote +Kamala Harris Leaves 2020 Race +Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too +Researchers Release Teeny Little Minotaur Into Maze To Test Mice’s Capacity To Use Enchanted String +Parents Sign Up Mitch Trubisky For Rec Soccer Team In Hopes He’ll Develop Interest In Sports +Hopes Rise For HIV Vaccine By 2021 +Report: Would’ve Been Nice If Dad Had Loved Original Family This Much +Impeachment Report: Trump Solicited Foreign Interference +Mom Scolds Child For Pointing At Homeless Man Instead Of Ignoring His Very Existence +Jilted Trump Announces Formation Of Cooler, Way More Powerful NATO With His New Best Friends Oman, Macedonia, And Suriname +Loved Ones Located All The Way On Other Side Of Heaven +Pros And Cons Of Talking Politics At Work +One-Eyed Man Who Kamala Harris Locked Up 25 Years Ago Quietly Removes Tulsi Gabbard Mask +British Royal Family Condemns Media’s Ugly Attacks On Their Traditional Practice Of Sexual Abuse +Michael Bloomberg Treats Self To Second, Flashier Presidential Campaign +Antonio Brown Proves He’s Changed Man By Breaking Into Robert Kraft’s House In Middle Of Night To Apologize +U.N. Chief Says Planet Faces Point Of No Return As Climate Summit Begins +Man’s Life Spent Occasionally Eating Barbecue In Between Doing Things He Hates +Washboard Player In Jug Band Tired Of Spoons Guy Getting All The Chicks +Remember ‘Command And Conquer’? No? Okay Then +‘Team Umizoomi Actually Kind Of Interesting,’ Reports Stay-At-Home Dad On Verge Of Full Psychotic Breakdown +Iranian Regime Attacks Activists Trying To Come Up With Protester Body Count For Being Complete Dorks Obsessed With Numbers +Leonardo Dicaprio Refutes False Claim He Funded Amazon Wildfires +Nation Returns To Regular Workweek A Little More Kind, A Little More Thoughtful, A Little More Thankful +Nation Calls For Letting Biden Rub Women’s Shoulders Again After Seeing What He’ll Do Instead +Pete Buttigieg Admits Only Recently Realizing Black People Can Vote +Deal Alert: Guy With Nice Suit Probably Carrying Enough On Him Right Now To Buy ‘Death Stranding’ PS4 Pro Bundle If You Stick Him Up +Winter Storms Threaten Americans Traveling Back From Thanksgiving +All Of Woman’s Problems Stem From Never Having Visited Europe +Lawyers Confirm Trump Willing To Answer All Of Sean Hannity’s Questions About Russia Collusion +State Of The Union Address +Amazon Warehouses Stocked With 20,000 Doctors In Preparation For Healthcare Launch +Tough-Guy ICE Agent Struggling To Raise Adorable Kids After Deporting Their Parents +Neurologists Find Brain Still Shows Signs Of Self-Criticism Minutes After Death +Jamie Dimon Cites Relentless Desire To Watch A Person Die Up Close As Inspiration For Starting Healthcare Company +Nutella Riots Erupt In France +Gruff, No-Nonsense Teacher Only Hard On Students Because He Gets Off On Exploiting Power +‘We Must Restore Rule Of Law,’ Says Trump As Aides Pass Out Revolvers To Audience +Senator Dick Durbin Forced To Watch State Of The Union Address From Home After Getting Ripped Off By Ticket Scalper +Rare Moon Trifecta Happening On Wednesday +Stephen Miller Rewards Self After Day Of Speechwriting With Trip To See Children In Local ICE Detention Center +The DREAM Act: Myth Vs. Fact +The Secret To My 65-Year Marriage Is Trust, Respect, And Threatening To Kill Myself If She Leaves +Flustered Mathematician Unable To Recommend Good Number +Stepmom Doesn’t Expect Kids To Call Her Stupid Bitch Right Away +5th-Largest Diamond In Human History Dug Up +Cleveland Indians Owner Admits Chief Wahoo No Longer Compatible With Modern Revenue Growth Expectations +IKEA Founder Dies At 91 +Perfect Girlfriend Blames Self For Everything +Johns Hopkins Doctors Perform First Successful Surgery On Broken Thumb +Poll Finds 78% Of Americans Would Vote For Liberty Bell +E-Cigarettes Encourage Children To Smoke But Help Adults Quit +Tesla Model S Crashes Into Fire Truck While On Autopilot +Trump Insists He Never Thought About Firing Mueller, Feeding Him To Pack Of Rabid Dogs, Mounting Head In Oval Office As Trophy +Woman Apologizes To Therapist For Monopolizing Conversation +Brad Pitt Stumbles Across Old Cardboard Box With Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head In Attic +New AcneFree Treatment Ships Teens To Remote Island Colony For Remainder Of Puberty +Freshman Emails Every Claudia On Campus To Find Missed Tinder Match +Senator Will Become First To Give Birth In Office +Outback Employees Return From Mandatory 6-Month Walkabout In Australian Wilderness +Lucky Bastard Gets To Be In Coma +Mom Getting Pretty Into New Tyler, The Creator Album +Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him +CDC Issues Warning Of Full-Blown Epidemic Of The Blahs +American Girl Recalls 50,000 Dolls With Chainsaws For Hands +Pros And Cons Of Privatized Space Travel +Vermont Governor Legalizes Marijuana +‘The Shape Of Water’ Leads Oscar Nominations With 13 +Area Man Thinks Movie He Saw Should Have Been Nominated +Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department +Werner Herzog: I Killed And Ate Timothy Treadwell In 2003 +Newborn Has Father’s Asshole +‘Wonder Woman 2’ First Film To Implement New Anti-Sexual Harassment Guidelines +NASA Issues Formal Apology For 1969 Genocide Of Moon Natives +Senate Reaches Deal To End Government Shutdown +Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren Assure Dreamers They’ll Never Stop Fighting For The 2020 Nomination +Episode 1: A Perfect Murder +Constantly Worrying What Other People Think About Your War Crimes Is No Way To Live Your Life +‘Your Father Died Peacefully In His Sleep,’ Assures Hospice Nurse Who Spent Past 6 Months Watching Man Wither Away In Agony +A Timeline Of The World Economic Forum +Local Woman Considers Telling Gynecologist Whole Truth +Amazon To Open Grocery Store Without Checkout To Public +Police Find 1,600 Pounds Of Cocaine Smuggled In Pineapples +Report: Girl Who Called You A Slut In High School Posting Passionate Status About Women’s March +47-Second Clip From ‘Family Ties’ Season 3 Now Available On YouTube +Mom Saw A Bunch Of Photos From Women’s March Online +Study: Uttering Phrase, ‘Marriage Is Hard Work,’ Number One Predictor Of Divorce +Employee Apparently Confident Enough In Job Performance To Eat Snacks During Meeting +God Recalls 1983 Speedboat Accident That Sent Him To Heaven +2017 Second-Hottest Year On Record +Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium +Fired-Up Patriots Ready To Give Full 60, Maybe 70% Against Jacksonville +Apple Plans To Create 20,000 New Jobs, Build New Campus +Study Reveals Lobsters Feel Pain And Get Off On It Like The Kinky Little Perverts They Are +Report: Friend Doing Sober January Must Have Really Fucked Shit Up Over Holidays +Michigan Restaurant Selling $180 Tacos +‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries +Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace +North And South Korean Teams To March Together In Winter Olympics +Ophthalmologist Instructs Patient Not To Look At Anything 24 Hours Before Eye Surgery +Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen +CVS To End Major Touch-Ups On Beauty Models +Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix +Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day +Bitcoin Falls 28% To 6-Week Low +Follow-Up Tests Confirm President Trump’s 19 Other Personalities Also Perfectly Healthy +Huckabee Sanders Repeatedly Insists That President’s Footprints Created The Great Lakes +Man Always Gets Emotional On Anniversary Of Father’s Death He Orchestrated +Scientist Find Genetic Basis For Bad Breath +New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter With Trump +Google Museum App Finds Users’ Fine Art Doppelgänger +Study Finds Having It All Leading Indicator That Everything Will Come Crashing Down +Hawaii's False Missile Alert Caused By Employee Pressing Wrong Button +New After-School Program Aims To Keep Children Off Streets For Additional 45 Minutes +Mom Hasn’t Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997 +Perfectly Good Dead Body Cremated +Man Annoyed By Travel Plaza’s Abridged Pizza Hut Menu +Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days +Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To ‘Have A Blessed Day’ +Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent +Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Won’t Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze +Just Say The Word, And We’ll Perform With Socks On Our Penises Again +New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding +Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You +Whoa, Vacuum Got Something Pretty Big Under Couch +New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town +Earth’s Successful Completion Of Orbit Around Sun Inspires Woman To Reflect On Eating Habits +2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report +Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed +Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses +Jared Kushner Loses Top-Secret Security Clearance +Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress +Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death +Frustrated Dad At Restaurant Just Wants A Normal Burger +Aquarium Touch Tank Lets Kids Pet Water In Natural Environment +Spanx Introduces New Shapewear Hood To Smooth Unsightly Heads +Climate Change Could Kill Most King Penguins By 2100 +Report Finds No Progress On Homeownership, Incarceration, Or Unemployment For Blacks +Teen Unsure How To Break It To Parents That The Devil Got Her Pregnant +Pros And Cons Of Free Speech On College Campuses +Woman Mentally Rifles Through Friends For Perfect Person To Sympathize With Current Pettiness +My Vote Is Not For Sale At These Prices +Millennials Not More Liberal On Gun Control Than Past Generation +Corporate Retreat Teaches Employees How To Dick Around As Team +China Proposes Ending 2-Term Presidential Limit +Troubling Study Finds Majority Of Americans Who Got It Aren’t Flaunting It +Man Who Has Clocked 137 Hours In RPG Can’t Believe He Has To Waste Precious Time Watching Cutscenes +Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System +United Airlines Updates Policy On Allowing Dogfights In Passenger Cabin +Barbaric Fifth Grader Gouges Paper Onto Binder Ring Without So Much As Hole Punch +Boxing Coach Wishes Just Once He Could Mentor Someone Who Has Already Fully Worked Through Childhood Trauma +Report: Americans Waste Enough Food Each Year To Give Over 1 Billion Third World Residents Diabetes +Priest Regrets Vow Of Celibacy After Learning About Furries +Hate Groups Increased In First Year Of Trump Presidency +Episode 4: The Official Story +Joss Whedon Exits ‘Batgirl’ Movie +John Kelly Struggles To Maintain Believable Trump Impression During Phone Calls With Parkland Survivors +New Evidence Suggests President George Washington Sent Woodcut Of Penis To Secretary +Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted +New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful +Marco Rubio Still Rock-Hard Days After Being Publicly Humiliated On National Stage +Watching The Olympics Has Inspired Me To Start Trying To Jump Over Stuff +Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can +Tips​​ For​​ Getting​​ The ​​Most​​ Out​​ Of ​​Life +Jennifer Lawrence Tells Critics Of Her Versace Dress To ‘Get A Grip’ +Ivanka Trump To Keep Focus On Athletes, Not North Korea, During Winter Olympics Trip +Oxfam: ‘Your Donation Will Help Us Protect Impoverished Girls From Our Employees’ +Employees Annoyed At Having To Attend 3-Hour-Long Sexual Seduction Training +Essential Oils: Myth vs. Fact +Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal +Drinking Alcohol Linked To Long Life +Nation’s Beekeepers Warn They Don’t Know How Much Longer They Can Hold Back Swarms’ Wrath +George, Amal Clooney To Join Florida Teens In Gun March +Panicked Billy Graham Realizes He Took Wrong Turn Into Heaven’s Largest Gay Neighborhood +Man Just Going To Assume This Counts As ‘Minced’ +Passengers Praying Uber Just A Hobby For Elderly Driver +Nation’s Older Brothers Recommend Not Being Such A Little Bitch +Survey: Genital Stimulation Maintains Popularity +FDA Finds Euthanasia In Several Brands Of Dog Food +Open Casket Really Ruining Vibe At Funeral +Scientists Create First Sheep-Human Hybrids +Capsizing Boat Passes U.S. In Global Quality Of Life Rankings +Study: 90% Of Americans Strongly Opposed To Each Other +Step By Step: How Twitter Addresses User Complaints +‘Brain Games’ Recalls Thousands Of Defective Word Puzzles That Gave Users Alzheimer’s +Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom +‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion +Pet Turtle Going Hog Wild On Terrarium’s New Stick +Charles Manson's Body Still On Ice Due To Dispute +Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show +Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun +Episode 3: Calloway Day +Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War +Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things +Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age +Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie +‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife +‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement +New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This +Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma +Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant +Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation +John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military +White House Compares Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies +Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub +PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day +Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken +Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community +Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back +Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed +White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers +Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day +Ra Wins Westminster God Show +Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’ +Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program +Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation +Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement +L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy +Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes +Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump +Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet +Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings +Nation Praying For Super Nasty Luge Accident +Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window +Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased +Italian Grandmother Doesn’t Have Heart To Tell Family Any Dipshit Can Make Lasagna +Quentin Tarantino Calls Uma Thurman Accident Biggest Regret Of His Life +Nation Excited For Some Insane K-Pop Shit During Opening Ceremony +U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend +‘100% Of Teenagers Huge Fucking Assholes,’ Confirms Study By Sobbing, Red-Faced Scientists +Frustrated Hope Hicks Wishing She Could Find One Nice Guy In This Autocratic Personality Cult +Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony Begins +Report: Make It Stop +Poll: 2 In 3 Americans Support Legal Status For Dreamers +2018 Pyeongchang Olympics Kicks Off With Ski Jumping, Curling +Report: Russia Managed To Penetrate Voter Databases In Order To Ensure Election Was Fair And Free Like The Loyal Allies They Are +Female Barista Getting A Lot Better At Avoiding Touching Male Patrons’ Hands When They Pay +Hershey’s Unveils Some New Chocolate Bullshit For You To Cram Into Your Fat Maw +Congress Puts Aside Partisan Differences For Good Of Military Contractors +2018 Winter Olympics Cancelled Due To Inclement Weather +A Timeline Of Influential Psychological Experiments +FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam +How ​​To ​​Climb ​​The ​​Corporate ​​Ladder +White Supremacist Tired After Long Day Of Interviews With Mainstream News Outlets +McDonald’s French Fries May Contain Cure For Baldness +‘It’s Step, Twist, Step, Dammit!’ Yells Leotard-Wearing, Cigarette-Smoking John Kelly While Choreographing Upcoming Military Parade +Trump Tells Pentagon To Plan ‘Military Parade’ +Elon Musk Offering $1.2 Billion In Grants To Any Project That Promises To Make Him Feel Complete +Trump Boys Forge Father’s Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying +OxiClean Unveils New Stain-Removing Fabric Scissors +Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Debating Between Hawaiian Luau- Or ‘X-Files’-Themed Wedding +Poignant Dying Words Wasted On Dumbshit Nephew +Scientist Developing Gadget To Transform Dog Barks Into English Language +Report: Video Games Will Never Be Art +SpaceX Reveals All 400 Dogs On Falcon Rocket Failed To Survive Trip +Dow Plunges 1,175 Points +Determined Circle Of Friends Diligently Traces Back How They Got Onto This Conversation Topic +Local Goose Finally Lands Spot At Tip Of ‘V’ +Yoga Teacher Has Way Too Much On Plate To Fuck Any More Students Right Now +White Nationalist Movement: Myth Vs. Fact +Daniel Day-Lewis Obsessed With ‘Naked And Afraid’ +Eagles Win Super Bowl +Minneapolis Shocked To Discover Thousands Of Super Bowl Attendees Left Without Seeing Rest Of City +Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About What Catch Is +MTA Reminds New Yorkers They Can Fucking Walk +American Airlines Announces It Will No Longer Try To Match Seatmates By Interests +Robert Wagner Now 'Person Of Interest' In Natalie Wood's Death +‘Well That’s Nice,’ Say Calm, Pleased Eagles Fans After Super Bowl Victory +Eagles Fan Admits U.S. Bank Stadium Has Nicest Seats He’s Puked On +Friend Hosting Super Bowl Party Confirms There Still Plenty Of Room On Floor +Report: 78% Of Puppy Bowl Participants Die Before Reaching 50 Weeks +Canadian National Anthem Given Gender-Neutral Language +United Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Spouses +Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person +Sci-Fi Film Presents Vision Of Future In Which Women Never Speak To Each Other +‘Aha!’ Shouts Devin Nunes Pulling Back Shower Curtain In Hopes Of Revealing Hidden FBI Agent +Scott Pruitt Orders EPA Employees To Stay In Office Over Weekend While It’s Being Fumigated +Japanese Researchers Create Edible Banana Peel +Naked Mole-Rats Might Theoretically Be Able To Live Forever +Justin Timberlake Pulling Panicked All-Nighter After Realizing New Album Due Tomorrow +Guantánamo Inmates Cheer After Learning Trump Saved Their Home +FBI Warns Republican Memo Could Undermine Faith In Massive, Unaccountable Government Secret Agencies +Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Set Up Bridal Registry At London-Area Target +Man Prefers Comic Books That Don’t Insert Politics Into Stories About Government-Engineered Agents Of War +Step By Step: How To Run A Successful Crowdfunding Campaign +Black History Month Celebration Honors How Sharp African Americans Looked In Old-Timey Clothes +Björk Spotted Leaving Nightclub With Mysterious Firefly Trapped Inside Bubble +Cleveland Indians To Stop Using Chief Wahoo By 2019 +Laura Ingraham Apologizes For Mocking Florida Shooting Survivor +EPA Rolls Back Emissions Standards To Increase Consumer Choice Over Type Of Apocalyptic Hellscape Earth Will Become +Doctor Asks New Mother If She’d Like To Keep Newborn’s Exoskeleton +MLB Season Ends Over 200 Days Early After New Rules Speed Up Games Way Too Much +George Thorogood Fan Disgusted To Learn Musician Licensed ‘Bad To The Bone’ For Commercial Purposes +‘I Don’t Fit Into Any Of Corporate America’s Little Boxes,’ Says Single, 18-To-36-Year-Old Hispanic Female With Brand Loyalty To Tom’s, Chobani +Laura Ingraham Claims Protesting Parkland Students Don’t Have Enough Gun Knowledge To Criticize Nicholas Cruz +Walmart Pulling ‘Cosmo’ From Checkout Lines +Conair Releases New Double-Sided Curling Iron For Flawless Burns +Scientists Discover New Human Organ +Heineken Apologizes For Racist Ad With New Special-Release ‘Blacks Only’ Beer +San Diego Zoo Unveils Severed Rhino Head Attached To Steel Frame As Part Of New Conceptual Wildlife Exhibit +Pope Francis Asks Congregation If It’s Okay If They Do A Low-Key Easter This Year +Police Repeatedly Shoot Tim Cook After Mistaking iPhone For Gun +Horrified Geologists Uncover Millions Of Rocks In Sprawling Mass Grave +A Timeline Of Mass Protests In U.S. History +Researchers Find That Spanking Your Children Is Incredibly Fun +Steven Spielberg Says Netflix Films Don’t Deserve Oscars +Actress Allegedly Bites Beyoncé's Face +Lame Cyberattack On Atlanta Doesn’t Even Turn ATMs, Street Sweepers Into Killing Machines +Man Who Never Missed ‘Ally McBeal’ Back In The Day Joins Trump Legal Team +Mark Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony By Poring Over Lawmakers’ Personal Data +Handwriting Expert Confirms Killer Used Cursive +Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves +Overworked Nation Wishes It Could Just Unplug From It All Like Puerto Rico +‘Roseanne’ Returns +5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Apeshit For Ending Of ‘The Giver’ +Gunmaker Remington Files For Bankruptcy +Law Enforcement Questions Why Alton Sterling Was Even Black In The First Place +Study Finds 12,000 Americans Die Annually In What Are Made To Look Like Car Accidents +Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor +Teens Spend Wild Spring Break In D.C. Begging Lawmakers For Their Lives +Most Influential U.S. Secretaries Of State +City Of Baltimore Targeting Young Professionals With New ‘You Get Used To It’ Campaign +Point/Counterpoint: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions? vs. Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide +Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You +White House Order Would Ban Most Transgender Troops +Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence +Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting +NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths +NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience +Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer +It Kind Of Pathetic How Excited 3-Year-Old Is To See Daddy Home From Work +Man Assumed Celebrity Sighting Would Do More For His Career +Male Birth Control Pill Shows Early Promise +FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat +Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview To Air This Weekend +John Bolton Warns War With North Korea Won’t Be Cakewalk Like Iraq +Yosemite National Park Completes Construction On New 6-Lane Scenic Driving Trail +Friends Trying On Each Other’s Glasses Revel In Glorious Mayhem Of Having Slightly Different Prescriptions +Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image +U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle +NASA Developing Spacecraft To Stop Possible Asteroid Strike In 2135 +Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies +Authorities Claim The True Austin Bomber Was Everyone Who Failed This Sensitive, Promising Kid +WhatsApp Co-Founder Joins #DeleteFacebook Movement +‘You Are The Jewel Of My Collection,’ Says Saudi Prince While Guiding Frightened Jared Kushner Toward Harem +NAACP Issues Travel Warning For Black Americans Visiting Own Backyards +American People Admit Having Facebook Data Stolen Kind Of Worth It To Watch That Little Fucker Squirm +Classically Trained Actor Can Talk On Cue +Damning Evidence Shows Actor Al Jolson Wearing Blackface +Mark Zuckerberg Promises That Misuse Of Facebook User Data Will Happen Again And Again +Tips For A Successful Parent-Teacher Conference +Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire +Tinder’s Parent Company Suing Bumble For Patent Infringement +World’s Last Male Northern White Rhino Dies After Health Complications +Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time +Facebook Algorithm Mortified It Has To Deliver Up So Much Embarrassing News About Own Company +Study: Only 40% Of Mice Have Little Welcome Mat, Doorway Leading To Tiny Home Inside Wall +Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations +Bride Has To Admit It’d Be Pretty Exciting If Someone Objected At Wedding +Report: Snoring May Increase Risk Of Having Throat Slit During Night By Loved One +Trump Made Senior Staff Sign NDAs That Last Beyond Presidency +Johnny Rockets Customer Terrified After Evidently Falling Through Wormhole Into 1950s +Uber Self-Driving Car Strikes And Kills Pedestrian In Arizona +‘As You Can See, They Are Quite Harmless,’ Says Uber Representative Guiding Detective Through Warehouse Of Sleeping Autonomous Cars +‘My God, I’ve Discovered The Missing Link In The Russia Investigation,’ Think 379,000 Reddit Users Simultaneously +Point/Counterpoint: I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works +Surrendering Trump Boys Solemnly Salute Each Other Before Leaping From White House First-Story Window +Key 2018 Election Primaries To Watch +NFL Sues EA To End Production Of Unlicensed ‘Madden’ Video Games +Dog Dies On United Flight After Being Stowed In Overhead Bin +Freak Totally Has The Hots For You, Popular-Girl Sources Report +Putin Wins Russian Election +Friend Who Listened To Podcast On Watergate Bursts Into Conversation With Guns Fucking Blazing +Andrew McCabe Spending Few Days As Congressional Bathroom Attendant To Satisfy Pension Requirements +Dad Recommends Hotel 10 Miles Away From City You’re Visiting +Hacker Just Going To Fix A Few Annoying Typos On Company’s Website Before Stealing Customer Data +Top ​​Benefits ​​Of​​ Being ​​A​​ Risk-Taker +Completely Unfair That Man Ended Up On Sex Offender Registry Just For Public Urination On A Child +Toys ‘R’ Us Prepares To Liquidate Business +Embarrassed Whale Panicking About Huge Barnacle Outbreak Before Date +Ford Recalls 1.4 Million Cars Because Their Steering Wheels Might Come Off +Rick Perry Apologizes For Trying To Outdo Fellow Cabinet Members By Using $72 Million Of Taxpayer Funds On Lampshade +Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People +Teach For America Celebrates 3 Decades Of Helping Recent Graduates Pad Out Law School Applications +Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey +Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down +Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen +‘I Must Make Sure You Have The Skills To Please My Grandson,’ Says Queen Elizabeth Disrobing Before Meghan Markle +Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos +Buttered Popcorn Tops Rankings Of Favorite Jelly Bean Flavor +Doll Real Estate Agent Glosses Over Giant Hinged Opening In Middle Of House +Exhausted Mueller Trying To Find Trump Organization Russia Documents Amid Thousands Of Harassment Lawsuits +Thousands Of Students Nationwide Walk Out Of Schools In Gun Protest +‘You Did The Best You Could,’ Says Iron Man Action Figure Voiced By Despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO Packing Up Office +‘The Onion’ Hires Several Pastry Chefs Away From Entenmann’s To Form New Bakery +Elon Musk Embarrassed After Realizing He Proposing Idea For Thing That Already Exists +Report: 99% Of Employees Would Use Boss As Human Shield In Event Of Workplace Attack +Bath & Body Works Unveils New Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare +How Police Officers Get Away With Crimes +NASA Study Reveals 7% Of Astronaut’s Genes Change +Concerned Nation Gently Encourages Boston To Take It Easy This St. Patrick’s Day +Report: Friend’s Apartment Not Nice Enough To Be Asking People To Take Off Shoes +Scientology TV Network Sets Launch +NRA Ad Director Still Searching For Right Sinister Music To Play Over Footage Of High Schoolers +Busy Schedule Forces Vladimir Putin To Move Up Election Win A Couple Days Early +Construction Union Seeks To Reduce Incidence Of Accidents Involving Babies Crawling On Steel I-Beams +Department Of Education Study Finds Only 30% Of Students Adequately Prepared For Spring Musical +Historians Say It Still A Mystery How People In Ancient Times Didn’t Just Go Crazy And Kill Themselves +Tips For Securing Your Home +New Workplace Diversity Initiative Kills One White Employee Every Hour On The Hour Until More Minority Candidates Hired +MIT Aims To Build Fusion Power Plant Within 15 Years +Proud Billionaire Helps Young Son Open First Offshore Bank Account +Britain Blames Russia For Poisoning Of Former Spy +Gina Haspel Recalls Having To Torture More Prisoners Than Male Colleagues To Prove Herself +Rex Tillerson Shoots Mike Pompeo Quick Email Explaining All The Countries +Secretary Of State Fired After Inappropriately Weighing In On International Politics +I Just Found Out About Socks, And I’ve Gotta Say, Wow +Man Unsure How To Expose Self To Woman He Likes Without Coming Off As A Creep +Woman All Geared Up To Complain About Work Sidelined By Friend With Marital Problems +Coca-Cola Will Launch First-Ever Alcoholic Drink In Japan +Daylight Saving Time Begins +Kinky Couple Has Mirror In Bathroom +CNN Panelists Warn North Korea Situation Way Too Complex For Them To Discuss Intelligently +CDC Rolls Out Fleet Of Narcan Biplanes To Fumigate Opioid-Ravaged Small Towns +Betsy DeVos Argues Issue Of Guns In Schools Should Be Fully Left Up To Individual Shooters +Girlfriend’s Birthday Weekend A Nightmarish, Labyrinthian Journey Through Her Darkest, Most Depraved Desires +Audience Left Wondering What Happened After Action Film Pans From Character To Shot Of Blood Spattering Against Wall +Opioid Overdoses Soar By 30% +World’s Oldest Message In A Bottle Found On Australian Beach +Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity +Each Passenger Has Own Theory About How Guy Got Into First Class +Episode 6: The Game Changer +Wilbur Ross Shakes Self Awake After Briefly Dying During Cabinet Meeting +Netflix Executive Unsure How To Tell Barack Obama His Series Idea Just ‘Fawlty Towers’ +Biologists Still Uncertain About Evolutionary Function Of Ugly People +Dozens Of Other Countries That Interfered In 2016 Election Annoyed Russia Getting All The Credit +Fresh Beef Coming To McDonald’s +New Evidence Reveals Ancient Greeks Immediately Regretted Inventing Theater +Apple Employees Called 911 After Smacking Heads On Headquarters’ Glass +Report: Human Bones Found On Remote Pacific Island Most Likely Remains Of Those Eaten By Amelia Earhart +Huckabee Sanders Warns Stormy Daniels’ Disclosures Just Steamy, Sexy Distraction From Real Issues +Fast-Learning New Hire Gains Quick Grasp Of How Terrible Job Is +Point/Counterpoint: All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer vs. I Feel Great! +Pros And Cons Of Open Relationships +Report: Average American Walks Less Than One Mile Each Year With Pants Around Ankles +Americans No Longer Prefer Sons To Daughters +NYC Park Officials Finally Get Around To Replacing Dead Light Bulbs In Statue Of Liberty’s Eyes +Man At Gym Apparently Comfortable Standing Naked Right In Middle Of Spin Class +North Korea Open To Relinquishing Nuclear Arms +5-Year-Old Explorer Makes Contact With Life-Forms In Adjacent Booth +Episode 5, Part 2: Did My Police Department Miss Something? +Gregg Popovich Berates Spurs For Missing Nation’s Descent Into Oligarchy +Going To Bed Last Thing Tempurpedic CEO Wants To Think About After Long Day At Work +Doctor Performs Brain Surgery On Wrong Patient +New Body Negativity Campaign Promotes Idea That Ugliness Comes In All Shapes And Sizes +Judge Forces Martin Shkreli To Forfeit $2 Million Wu-Tang Clan Album +Report: It Not Hard At All To Imagine Your Coworkers’ Supple, Nude Bodies +Warm Approach Of Potential New Friendship Just Street Canvasser Again +Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin +Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers +A Timeline Of Gun Laws In America +People Called Me Crazy When I Said We Were Going To Sell The Common Chicken As Food, But Who’s Laughing Now +Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms +Childhood Obesity Getting Worse +‘The Shape of Water’ Wins Best Picture +‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism +Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party +Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care +Unclear If Shirtless Man In Black-And-White Film Once Considered Attractive +Moon To Get Mobile Network By 2019 +Woman Decides Period Over +Episode 5, Part 1: Did My Police Department Miss Something? +Cape Town Could Run Out Of Water As Early As July +Pope Francis Finds Self In Hell After Taking Wrong Turn In Vatican Catacombs +Academy Honors Retiring Daniel Day-Lewis With Small Farewell Happy Hour In Dolby Theatre Kitchen +23AndMe Forensic Kit Informs Customer What Crimes He’s Committed +Report: We Don’t Make Any Money If You Don’t Click The Fucking Link +Americans Trust Mueller More Than Trump +Man Passes Away Surrounded By Knife-Wielding Loved Ones +Frothing Alex Jones Claims Sexual Harassment Part Of Worldwide Imbalance In Gender Power Dynamics +The Onion’s 2018 Oscar Picks +Dollar Tree To Stop Selling Assault Weapons +Pizza Hut Replaces Papa John’s As Official Pizza Of NFL +Beer Aisle Scanned For Something Asshole Friend Won’t Mock +Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once +PornHub Expands Parental Controls For User Accounts +English Teacher Already Armed With Deadly Weapon Called Shakespeare +UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Confirmed There Were No Survivors In The Challenger Disaster +Report: It Would Probably Be Nice Having Friends +Anti-Semitic Incidents Rise 57% In 2017 +How To Build An App +How To Protect Your Data From Hackers +Couple Stressing About Wedding Plans As If It Won’t Just Take A String Of Edison Bulbs To Knock Guests’ Fucking Socks Off +Cofounder of Burning Man Dead At 70 +LeBron James Credits Teammates With Providing 4 Bodies Necessary To Avoid Forfeiture Against Pacers +Nutritionists Reveal Humans With Proper Diet Should Not Be Defecating +Polka Fan On A Real Harold Loeffelmacher Kick Lately +New Poll Finds Death Of Spouse Most Liberating Experience In Life +Amazon To Now Deliver Packages Into Car Trunks +Don Mattingly Yelling At Marlins For Leaving Dome Open With AC On +Pilot Shudders To Imagine Why Passengers Taking Red-Eye To Atlantic City +Report: Rest Of Pottery Class Knows Each Other From Previous Pottery Class +Russian Lawyer Admits To Repeatedly Informing Kremlin Of Trump Campaign’s Ineptitude +Police Found Golden State Killer By Tracing Owner Of ‘IAmTheGoldenStateKiller.com’ Website +Duke, Duchess Of Cambridge Announce Name Of Third Child Is Louis Arthur Al-Baghdadi +Kim Jong-Un Thrown Into Labor Camp For Attempting To Cross Border Into South Korea +Bill Cosby Convicted Of Sexual Assault +Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Announces New $17 Billion Initiative To Eradicate All 3rd-World Mac Users By 2040 +Timeline Of The White House Correspondents’ Dinner +Deceased Souls Backed Up At River Styx Ferry Crossing During Underworld Transit Strike +Pence Unveils Campaign To Educate Teens About Dangers Of Premarital Eye Contact +Lyft Says It Will Make Every Ride Carbon Neutral +Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago +Federal Judge Orders Trump To Accept DACA Applications +Tucker Carlson Unsure Why He In Middle Of 20-Minute Rant Against Croutons +Jerry Jones Hoping To Use 2018 Draft To Find Long-Term Solution At Mistress +Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic +Bears GM Wavering Between Drafting Good Player Or Bad Player +Experts Warn Beef Could Act As Gateway Meat To Human Flesh +Nation’s Baby Boomers Hold Press Conference To Announce They All Have Diseases Now +National Debt To Rise To $29 Trillion By 2020 +Trump Boys Beg Father To Nominate G.I. Joe Action Figure Cobra Commander For VA Secretary +‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ To Return With Season 2 Today +Trump Suffering Horrible Indigestion After Eating Fresh, Well-Prepared State Dinner Meal +Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires +Report: Mothers Not Paying Attention To 80% Of Cool Things Nation’s Boys Do +Warden Figures Week In Solitary Ought To Teach Inmate Not To Be Schizophrenic +Report: Christ, Someone Actually Brought Their Kid To This +Last Person Born In 19th Century Dies +Naked Eric Trump Runs Through State Dinner Pursued By Screaming Au Pair +Sean Hannity Linked To Shell Corporation That Spent $90 Million On Properties +Emmanuel Macron Amused By Little Differences In French, American Islamophobia +Nation’s Drunk Strangers Announce Plans To Agree With Anything One Another Says +How FBI Investigations Work +It’s Shameful That We Continue To Pay College Athletes Nothing While The Whistle Industry Reaps Massive Profits From Their Labor +Swaziland Changes Name To eSwatini +Kobe Bryant Hits Editing Bay To Train In Defense Of This Year’s Oscar Win +Schumer Introduces Measure To Decriminalize Marijuana +Stressed-Out Sean Hannity Buys 12 Little Cabins In Maine To Get Away From It All +Report: New ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season Focuses On Dangers Of Feminism Run Amok +Newborn Prince Of Cambridge Begins Consolidating Power By Having Family Imprisoned In Tower Of London +Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting +‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay +Cuba Names New President To Succeed Raúl Castro +Local History Museum Really Digging Deep To Fill 2 15-By-20-Foot Rooms +Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos +North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War +‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits +DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election +Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal +Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training +Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way +Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year +NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun +Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout +Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program +Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks +Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album +Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance +God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience +Tips For Traveling Solo +Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride +200 Million Eggs Recalled In U.S. After Dozens Become Ill +Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation +Barbara Bush Dies At 92 +Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria +Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret +Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity +TGI Fridays Is A Human Right +New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes +Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ +Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him +Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates +Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases +Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport +Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit +Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book +Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players +Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash +New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation +U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict +Americans File Returns For Tax Day +Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings +Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends +Report: It Time To Give Up +Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down +Woman Forced To Do Some Detective Work After Obituary For Dead Classmate Leaves Off Cause Of Death +Flower Freaking Out After Realizing There’s A Bee On It +Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell +New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year +Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey Buckingham +Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’ +Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward +‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes +Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy +Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown +Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll Mace +Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of Skin +Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To Shoot +Mike Pompeo Can’t Believe Senate Just Expects He’ll Answer Questions Without Being Tortured First +‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria +Convulsing Teen Bleeding From Eyes, Nose Thinks He Can Feel The Synthetic Weed Kicking In +Aides Trying To Talk Trump Out Of Sending Associates To Break Into Watergate Office Complex +Paul Ryan Will Not Seek Reelection +Trump Boys Announce They Will Not Hesitate To Egg Russia If Provoked +Nutritionists Recommend Increasing Intake Of Whatever Will Earn You Free T-Shirt From Restaurant +My Great-Grandfather Came To This Country With Nothing But $10 In His Pocket, $300,000 In His Bank Account, And A Dream +Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant +Cellmate Tired Of Suge Knight’s Constant Stories Of ’90s Rap Beefs +Report: God Directly Communicating With You Through This Headline +T.J. Miller Arrested For Alleged Fake Bomb Threat +New UPS Extended-Tracking Numbers Give Customers Updates On Delivery Driver’s Location For Years After Package Drop-Off +FBI Raid On Trump’s Lawyer Sought Files Related To ‘Access Hollywood’ Tape +Congress Reassures Nervous Zuckerberg They Won’t Actually Do Anything About This +Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes To Congress For Not Realizing Scope Of His Genius +Congress Demands To Know How Facebook Got People To Give Up Their Civil Liberties Without A Fight +Serial Killer Annoyed By Young Murderers With No Appreciation For Albert Fish +Russian Woman Embalmed Alive After Hospital Mix-Up +Report: PyeongChang Olympic Athletes Already Falling Into State Of Disrepair +Masturbating Mom Can’t Get Bobby Flay Southwestern Eggs Demo To Stop Buffering +Mark Zuckerberg To Congress: ‘It Was My Mistake, And I'm Sorry’ +Blood Drains From Mueller’s Face After Realizing Russia Investigation Might Go All The Way To White House +FBI Raids Michael Cohen’s Office To Get Closer Look At His Innovative, Thorough Legal Work +John Bolton Arrives In Office Excited To See So Many Familiar Wars +Mike Pence Horrified By D.C. Cherry Trees Flagrantly Displaying Reproductive Organs +Cyberattacks By The Numbers +Parents Spend First 4 Years Of Child’s Life Fluctuating Wildly Between Hoping Child Stays Asleep, Hoping Child Wakes Up +Entomologists Retract New Spider Species Discovery After Determining It Actually Just Clump Of Dust, Hair +Giant Pandas No Longer Endangered Species +‘You Are Donald Trump, 45th President Of The United States,’ Trump Reads From Faded Tattoo On Wrist +North Korea Ready To Discuss Denuclearization, Officials Say +Annoyed Shohei Ohtani Had Hoped U.S. Baseball Players Wouldn’t Be This Bad +Facebook Informs Data Leak Victims Whether They Need To Burn Down House, Cut Off Fingerprints, Start Anew +Fans Excited As ‘Solo’ Trailer Sheds Light On Specifically How It Will Suck +Soybean Pissed After Learning Trade War Means Trip To China Canceled +Oat Farmer Seriously Thinking About Getting Into Barley +Unstable Couple Playing With Fire By Organizing Game Night +Aging Father Struggling To Keep Family’s Personal Failings Straight +New Honda Commercial Openly Says Your Kids Will Die In A Car Crash If You Buy A Different Brand +Hotel Forgives Guest After Flock Of Seagulls Destroyed Room In 2001 +‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ Celebrates 50th Anniversary +PGA Officials Break Up Crowd Of Rowdy Fans Committing Commodities Fraud In Augusta National Parking Lot +Kobe Bryant Creates Foundation To Help Children Struggling With Severe Narcissism +Study Finds Eating Doctor After Birth Can Provide Essential Nutrients To New Mothers +KitchenAid Unveils Spring-Loaded Toaster That Allows Rad High Schoolers To Grab Breakfast In Midair While Leaving House +Kid Putting Pencils Between Knuckles About To Fuck Someone Up +Exercising Woman Really Starting To Feel The Burn Of Lifelong Injury Developing +Retired Pope Benedict Pledges To Donate Soul For Ecclesiastic Research +U.S. Marshals Arrest Designers Of Water Slide That Decapitated Rider +Mueller Tells Trump He’s Not Under Criminal Investigation +Black Father Gives Son The Talk About Holding Literally Any Object +Report: This Not A Gun +Cows Go Extinct +Fuming Rachel Maddow Spends Entire Show Just Pointing Wildly At Picture Of Putin +ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics +How Trade Wars Work +Gynecologists Recommend Taking Time Off Between IUDs To Allow Body To Expel Backlogged Periods +Study Reveals 93% Of Americans Don’t Know Their Congressperson Truly, Utterly, The Way Only Two Souls Entwined Can +A’s Unveil Groundbreaking New Tarp Renovation For Oakland Coliseum +Japanese TV Station Launches First-Ever Android News Anchor +Woman Who Choked To Death Alone In Apartment Kicked Out Of Book Club For Missing Last 2 Meetings +Reddit Announces Redesign +MLK’s Family Urges Nation To Spend Anniversary Of His Death Twisting His Words To Fit Own Political Agendas +Authorities Fear YouTube Shooter Might Inspire Wave Of Copycat Content Creators +‘Roseanne’ Taping Repeatedly Interrupted By Reporters Trying To Interview Members Of White Working Class +Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch +Yankees Eliminate Longstanding ‘No Pubic Hair’ Policy +25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom +Family Has Way Too Many Daughters For Them Not To Have Been Trying For Son +Key To Living Longer May Be Severe Calorie Reduction +I’m Sort Of The Abusive Mom Of My Friend Group +New ‘Cut Off Your Genitals’ Challenge Gains Popularity Among Teens Online +Sinclair Forces Dozens Of Local News Anchors To Recite Same Script +Oklahoma Leaders Claim Teachers’ Strike Betrays Values Of Nation’s 1914 Founding By Abraham Lincoln And Orville Redenbacher +Recently Discovered 13,000-Year-Old Footprints Reveal Humans Danced The Charleston Earlier Than First Thought +Pros And Cons Of Standing Desks +New Poll Finds Public Becoming More Skeptical Of Profit-Driven Corporate Data Mine Powered By Human Misery +Are You Really Just Going To Lie There? +Woman Knows Exactly Which Knife She’d Grab Out Of Cutlery Drawer In Event Of Home Invasion +Author Says Kellyanne Conway Is ‘Number One Leaker’ In White House +Study: Coffee Drinkers At Far Higher Risk Of Having Mug Crash To Floor In Slow Motion After Hearing Their Father Is Dead +Pope Calls For World Peace During Easter Mass +Man In Political Argument Clearly Just Regurgitating Monologue From ‘Henry V’ +Teen On Birthright Trip Hadn’t Expected To See So Many Dead Palestinians +Census Bureau Releases Annual Report On Neighborhood Vibes +18-To-35 White, Male Demographic Still Searching For Perfect Way To Quench Its Thirst +Bill Cosby Feeling Better About Retrial Now That Climate Around Sexual Assault Has Cooled Down +‘I’m Not Really Looking To Date Right Now,’ Says Man, As If He Not At Mercy Of Love’s Powerful, Mysterious Ways +God Starting To Worry Heaven May Be Haunted +Adnan Syed Of ‘Serial’ Given New Trial +Timeline Of The Republican Party +New Stephen King Book Mocks Stanley Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ Adaptation +White House Photographer Disturbed To Find Faint, Ghostly Image Of Melania Trump In Background Of Every Photo +Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint +ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child +Kissing Mule In Wedding Dress Right On The Lips Real Wakeup Call For Town Drunk +Air Force Uncovers LSD Use Among Airmen Guarding Nuclear Missiles +David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings +ABC Cancels ‘Roseanne’ Reboot +Pollster Informs George H.W. Bush That Dying So Soon After Wife Would Really Boost Favorability Rating +‘Coffee Cultivation Merely Extends The System Of Colonial Oppression,’ Recite Nation’s 180,000 Radicalized Starbucks Employees After 3-Hour Anti-Bias Training +Teacher With Brand-New Chalk Holder Must Have Come Into Some Money Recently +Man Sick And Tired Of Hearing Upstairs Neighbors Skirt Around Core Conflict Of Argument +Showrunner Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder +‘Spider-Man’ Malian Migrant Granted French Citizenship After Saving Baby From Balcony +ABC Criticized For Unrealistic Portrayal Of Racists Actually Facing Consequences +Hotshot Commencement Speaker Jumps Straight Into Speech Without Even Defining ‘Courage’ +James Cameron Warns Great Barrier Reef Will Die Without Intervention +Irish Doctors Brace For Wave Of Fetuses To Be Aborted 12 Weeks After Repeal Celebration +Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers +Study: Human Anxiety Highest When Sitting In Wrong Seat At Concert +Devin Nunes Receives $4.5 Million From Donor On Condition He’ll Just Retire On It And Never Show His Face Again +Man Directs Full Force Of Anecdote Toward Single Person After Rest Of Group Moves On To Different Topic +Myth Vs. Fact: The U.S. Meat Industry +Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office +New Edition Of Emily Post’s Etiquette Book To Include Chapter Demonstrating Proper Way To Lick Maple Syrup Off Plate +Radiohead Re-Releases ‘Kid A’ With Remastered Original Skits +JetBlue Subsidiary Becomes First Customer Of Hybrid-Electric Planes +Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night +Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal +Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea +Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase +Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library +Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored +L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility +God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash +New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room +Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through +Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump +‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant +Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance +Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger +Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof +Study Finds 87% Of Knowledge About Nation Comes From Side Of U-Haul Trucks +Chuck E. Cheese’s Pit Boss Tells Floor Attendant To Keep An Eye On Guest Winning Big At Skee-Ball +The Onion’s Summer 2018 Movie Preview +Funeral Attendees Getting Misty-Eyed During First Dance With Corpse +Sinkhole Opens In White House Lawn +Red Sox Team Doctor Unclear Whether He Supposed To Join Fight Or Not +Netflix Cancels ‘Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts’ +Nation’s Rich And Powerful Wondering When Rest Of Americans Will Just Give Up +Trump Casts Doubt On North Korea Summit +Margaret Atwood: ‘The Handmaids Are Supposed To Be Aliens’ +Obamas Sign Deal To Produce Netflix Shows, Movies +Man Silently Eating Personal Pan Pizza Alone In Corner Of Airport Unaware This Will Be Best Part Of 7-Day Vacation +Bernie Sanders Announces He Will Seek Reelection +In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President +Whether You Lean To The Right Or Lean To The Left, Can We All Just Agree To Cha-Cha Real Smooth Now? +Man With 20 Rifles Can’t Remember If His Goal To Start Or Stop Violent Overthrow Of Government +Maple Tree Wishes It Was Given A Say In Becoming Memorial To Man’s Dead Wife +Woman Attempts To Cram Few Years’ Worth Of Body Positivity Into 20 Minutes Before Trying On Bathing Suits +New Alternate-History Drama Examines What Would Have Happened If Nazis Won 1991 NBA Finals +Myth Vs. Fact: Paid Sick Leave +Senior Pretty Checked Out During Entire Final Year +Elon Musk Promises $1 Rides In L.A. Transit Tunnels +MLB Reminds Teams To Properly Dispose Of All Torn Elbow Ligaments +New Financial Report Finds Economy Invincible Forever This Time +Bill Gates: ‘Trump Twice Asked Me About The Difference Between HIV And HPV’ +Authorities Say Dozens Of Bystanders Failed To Act As Man Went About His Life +‘Breitbart’ Refusing To Release Names Of Mass Shooting Victims In Order To Prevent Them From Getting Attention +Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms +Report: All The Other Races Coming To Take Your Stuff +‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience +Biden Kicked Out Of Laundromat After Shag Rug Floods Washing Machine +14th Severed Foot Washes Ashore In Pacific Northwest +Queen Elizabeth Announces Success Of Monarchy’s Recent Diversity Initiative +Supercuts CEO Apologizes For Number Of Customers Scalped Every Month +Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number +Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing Marathon Runners Got Impression They Can Take Them +Meghan Markle’s College Friends Stuck At Table With Sickly Habsburg Cousins +Backstreet Boys Release First Single Since 2013 +Royal Wedding Photographer Feeling Pretty Guilty About Time He Ran Princess Di Off Road +Prince Harry Shows Guest To Air Mattress In Corner Of Windsor Castle +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +U.S. Military Defends Controversial Decision To Test Kilauea Volcano On Hawaiian Civilians +Wisconsin Man Eats 30,000th Big Mac, Breaking World Record +Sociologists Confirm Emergence Of Generation More Entitled, Self-Absorbed Than Any Seen Before +Mohawked Rex Tillerson Warns U.S. Democracy Threatened By Plutocratic Fascist Pigs Fucking Over The Working Man +Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone +Senate Intelligence Committee Confirms From Testimony That Donald Trump Jr. Has No Knowledge +George R.R. Martin Promises Fans ‘The Winds Of Winter’ Is Nearly Started +Kim Jong-Un Threatens To Pull Out Of Nuclear Summit +Oprah Winfrey Breaks Record For Most Appearances On The Cover Of ‘O Magazine’ +Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding +Furious Meghan Markle Can’t Believe Harry Hasn’t Told Family She’s Black Yet +Chocolate Spill Covers Highway In Poland +Houseguest Given Entire Rundown On Input 1, Input 2 +Australian ‘Man With The Golden Arm’ Retires After Saving 2.4 Million Babies +Cash-Strapped MoviePass Limiting New Users To One Movie Filmed In CEO’s Backyard Per Month +NSA Scrambling To Reestablish Whereabouts Of Man Who Covered Laptop Camera With Tape +Supreme Court Votes 7-2 To Legalize All Worldly Vices +Bath & Body Works Now Offering Free Lotion Tastings +Spotify Removes R. Kelly From Promotions As Part Of Anti-Hate Policy +God Humbled To Be The Answer To ‘Jeopardy!’ Clue +Report: John Grisham Slowly But Surely Climbing List Of Greatest Living American Authors +Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Sports Betting +Venus Horrified After Finding Millions Of Nude Pictures Of Herself On Internet +IDF Soldier Recounts Harrowing, Heroic War Story Of Killing 8-Month-Old Child +Netanyahu Announces Day Of Mourning For Fence Damaged In Yesterday’s Conflict +Worst Man-Made Disasters In History +Pink Jersey Proves That Woman Is Sports Fan, Yet Also Retains A Certain Femininity +Jon Bon Jovi Jealous Of Former Classmate Who Made It Out Of Jersey +Riders Spend 2 Hours Trapped On Highest Part Of Roller Coaster +Frightened Rabbit Singer Scott Hutchison Dead At 36 +Trump Fascinated By Israeli Cultural Tradition Of Mass Slaughter Of Protesters +Man Surprised By How Often He Still Uses Bullying Skills He Learned In High School +Couple Just Wants Small Ceremony In Public Park With Close Friends And Shirtless Stranger Hanging Around Tree +Trump Announces North Korea Summit Will Be In Singapore +Dalai Lama Announces Next Life To Be His Last Before Retirement +Americans Get Ready For Mother’s Day +Alcoholic Parent Easy To Shop For +Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon +AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else +Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself +‘I Look Forward To Ending My Life,’ Says Assisted Suicide Advocate Before Being Shot Out Of Cannon At Brick Wall +Area Man Really Banking On Unconditional Love Doing Most Of Heavy Lifting For Mother’s Day Bouquet +NASA Says Presence Of Diving Board On Mars Confirms Planet May Have Once Contained Water +Christiane Amanpour To Replace Charlie Rose On PBS +‘ASS’ Finally Inducted Into Video Game Hall Of Fame +New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart +Ford Confirms Plant Fire Caused By Spooked F-150 Knocking Over Lantern +North Korean Prisoners Temporarily Put Into American Detention Camp To Help Ease Shock Of Return +Israel Offends Japanese Prime Minister By Serving Dessert In Shoe +Syrian Man Kept Up All Night By Neighbors Dying +Netanyahu Begins Calling For Israeli Return To Ancient Homeland Of Iran +Study: Headaches Are The Body’s Way Of Communicating It Wants Pills +New Study Confirms Sharks Just Really Angry Dolphins +The Pros And Cons Of Civility In Politics +‘Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,’ Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way +Melania Trump Unveils ‘Be Best’ Childhood Initiative +Sperm Bank Manager Takes Wealthy Couple To Secret Back Freezer Where The Real Good Stuff Is Stored +Trump Withdraws From Iran Deal +Horrified Grimes Stumbles Upon Boyfriend’s $18 Billion Plan For All-New, Reinvented Grimes +Mark McGwire Claims He Would Have Hit 70 Home Runs Without Help Of Bat +10-Year-Old First Responders Rush To Bike Crash Scene To Check Out Tyler’s Fucked-Up Leg +Mariners’ Staff Tired Of Ichiro Suzuki’s Long Warm-Up Routine Before Using Scanner +Scientists Successfully Create Artificial Placenta That Tastes Just As Delicious As Real One +Ken Jeong Uses Medical Training To Rescue Audience Member +Rockets’ Mop Guy Can Tell This Game Going To Be A Sweaty One +Iranian Scientist Annoyed He Has To Go Back To Shitty Old Job Building Nuclear Weapons +Diseases Spread By Ticks, Mosquitoes Tripled Since 2004 +Met Janitors Hurrying To Remove Crucified Katy Perry From Museum Lobby +Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation +Fitbit Releases New Tracking Collar That Gets Tighter Every Second You Are Inactive +Sean Hannity Informs Building Tenants About Deep-State Conspiracy Forcing Him To Triple Rent +Bill Gates Pledges $12 Million For Universal Flu Vaccine +Flu Vaccine Recalled Due To Defective Government Tracking Microchips +Construction Crew Arguing Over Who Gets To Use The Fun Tools +NRA Touts Oliver North’s Expertise At Avoiding Jail Time For Colluding With Hostile Foreign Powers +U.S. Customs Agents Finds Unconscious Tiger In Duffle Bag +Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives +No One In Prison Sure How Jared Fogle Still Eating Subway Every Meal +Trump Boys Set Up ‘Don And Eric Law Place’ In White House Electrical Room To Help Dad With Legal Problems +Once-Adventurous Salmon Can’t Believe She Ended Up Moving Back To Birthplace, Having A Bunch Of Kids +Stunted 56-Year-Old Still Writing Chuck Palahniuk Novels +‘Incredibles 2’ Forced To Take Out Grisly Cannibalism Scene In Order To Secure PG Rating +Democrats Lose Ground With Millennials +Derek Jeter Denies Tanking Allegations After Marlins Field 4 Players +Bloomberg Pledges $4.5 Million To Meet U.S. Commitment To Paris Accord +USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal Workers +Mueller Poses As Fox News Host To Coax Rudy Giuliani Into Giving Him Testimony On Trump +New Don Blankenship Campaign Ad Touts Jobs Created In Wake Of Upper Big Branch Mining Disaster +Boardroom Begins To Quake As Black-Eyed CEO Announces Vision For Future Of Company +Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized Breath +Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Published +Mysterious Man In Parking Lot Threatens To Harm Rudy Giuliani If He Ever Blabs About Trump’s Legal Payments Again +Kroger Recalls 35,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef That May Contain CEO +Kanye West Says Slavery Was A Choice +Girls Scouts Announces They’ll Never Ever Let Gross Fucking Boys In +White Sox Promotion Puts First 9 Fans At Ballpark In Starting Lineup +‘I Was The One Who Slept With Stormy Daniels,’ Says Sonny Perdue In Desperate Attempt To Serve As Trump’s Fall Guy +Pros And Cons Of Lowering The Voting Age +Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants +Guitar Maker Gibson Files For Bankruptcy +Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’ +Facebook Announces Dating Service +Joe Maddon Saves Up All His Mound Visits For One Long Trip In 8th Inning +Facebook Addresses Accusations Of Silencing Conservative Voices By Deleting Barack Obama’s Profile +Increasingly Obsessed Robert Mueller Forces Wife To Dye Hair Blond, Dress Like Ivanka +New Historical Drama Just 90 Minutes Of Woman Holding Up Petticoats While Running Through Open Field +3-Year-Old Pretending Stuffed Animals Having Big Fight About Accidental Pregnancy +Study Finds Human Bones Make Great Daggers +Trump Boys Ransack Mueller’s Office To Steal Answer Key To Questions For Their Dad +Netanyahu Provides Stunning New Evidence That Iranians Planned Sacking Of Babylon In 539 B.C. +North Korea Says it Will Denuclearize If U.S. Pledges Not To Invade +Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia +‘We Can Have Differences Of Opinion And Still Respect Each Other,’ Says Betrayer Of The One True Cause +E. Coli Ready To Treat Itself To Some Beef After Weeks Of Nothing But Salad +Friend Dishonorably Discharged From Navigation Duties After Missing Exit +NY Gubernatorial Race: Andrew Cuomo vs. Cynthia Nixon +The Time Is Now To Clean Up This Soup I Just Spilled Everywhere +‘GQ’ Calls The Bible Foolish And Not Worth Reading +Obama Meeting With Contenders For 2020 Election +Study Finds ‘Missionary,’ ‘In Love’ Most Popular Porn Search Terms +New Report Finds Fastest-Rising Cause Of Death In U.S. Is Losing Chess Match To Grim Reaper +Plan To Split California Into 3 States Earns Spot On November Ballot +YouTuber Cringing While Watching Amateurish Early, Current Work +Man Offended By Rude Female Coworker Continuing To Speak Over Him After He Clearly Interrupted Her +Man Solemnly Realizes There Always Going To Be Other Apartment Hunters Out There Smarter, Faster, More Cunning +U.S. Birth Rates Dip To 30-Year Low +How Will Justice Kennedy’s Retirement Affect The Supreme Court? +Americans Set Records For Charitable Contributions +Black Twins Always Get Mistaken For Random Black People +App Knows It’s Gone Next Time Man Needs Space For Photos +ASPCA Report Warns That Many Americans Are Not Giving Their Dogs Correct Name +Tips For Staying Civil While Debating Child Prisons +WHO Calls For Elimination Of Trans Fats By 2023 +Everything You Need To Know About The Supreme Court Upholding Trump's Travel Ban +Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter ‘Emily’ In All Possible Timelines +Archaeologists Unearth Ancient Clay Pot Shards From Dwelling Of Earliest Known Klutz +Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out +WHO Classifies ‘Gaming Disorder’ As Mental Health Condition +Hamburger Creeped Out By Eerie Soy Facsimile Of Itself On Grill +Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day +Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe +25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time +Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners +Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain +Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris +Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends +France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally +Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company +Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure +Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar +Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel +Report: Make It Stop +Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features +Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial +Immigrant Children Terrified At Ghastly Visage Of La Llorona In Detention Center +Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash +Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’ +Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness +Onion Social Study Finds No Clear Link Between Onion Social Use, Uncontrollable Vomiting Of Black Bile +Onion Social CEO Responds To Company Chaos By Donating $50 To Haiti +Political Scientists Baffled By Trump’s Ability To End Something He Had No Control Over Just Days Ago +Breaking: America’s White Population Plummets To 2.7% After Trump Caves On Immigration Enforcement +Americans Finally Recognize Own Country Again After President Does Half-Assed Job Walking Back Humanitarian Crimes +Onion Social Embraces Diversity By Adding Prophet Mohammed Emoji +Onion Social Announces Hiring Of James Damore As Chief Technology Officer +Onion Social Defends Decision To Remove ‘You Will Live’ Promise From Mission Statement +Onion Social Cracks Down On Sexual Harassment By Banning All Women From Platform +Onion Social CEO Promises Algorithm Will Now Automatically Label Racist, Sexist Content As ‘Debatable’ +Facebook Collapses Following Relentless Rise Of Onion Social +Onion Social Offers Free Medium T-Shirt To Anyone Who Has Been A Victim Of Stalking On Their Site +Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site +Onion Social CEO Addresses User Privacy Concerns By Adding New ‘Are You Sure?’ Prompt To Doxing Feature +Experts Confirm Rainforest Ecosystem Destroyed To Make Room For Onion Social Server Farm Wasn’t That Impressive To Begin With +Onion Social Continues To Dominate +Study Suggests Onion Social Notifications 300 Times More Satisfying To Receive Than Facebook Notifications +Ovechkin Hopes To Inspire Other Athletes To Power Through Month-Long Bender +Onion Social Becomes First Company To Reach Top Of Fortune 500 In Less Than 72 Hours +Tucker Carlson Angrily Explains Difference Between Good Baby And Bad Baby +MS-13 Gang Leader Getting Some Pretty Great Ideas From Watching ICE Work +Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing +Encouraging Report Shows 45% Of Onion Social Users Survive Beta Testing +Cops Bust Filthy, Unshaven Mark Zuckerberg For Selling Personal Data On Street Corner +Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement +Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters +Onion Social Inspires Wave Of Democratic Revolutions Around World +Netflix Defends ‘Queer Eye’ Episode Where The Fab Five Forced To Euthanize Completely Hopeless Slob +Lionel Messi Pissed After Forgetting To Wear Fitbit During Last Game +Onion Social Becomes World’s Most Popular Social Media Site +Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands +Laura Bush Publishes Courageous Op-Ed Calling For Imprisonment Of Whoever Created ICE +Priscilla Chan Leaves Mark Zuckerberg For Onion Social CEO +Onion Social CEO: ‘We’re Proud To Announce The First Genital Recognition Software’ +I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold +David Lynch To Release Hybrid Memoir–Biography Next Week +Coworker Following World Cup Goes All-In On Tenuous Family Connection To Portugal +Brooks Brothers Unveils New Line Of Monogramed Cum Rags +Sessions Defends Separating Immigrant Families By Citing Senate Confirmation Vote +MIT Researchers Create ‘Psychopath’ AI By Feeding It Reddit Data +‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access +Impatient Raytheon Declares War On North Korea +$30 Million Donation From Chan-Zuckerberg Charity To Help Kids Learn To Read Returned +Ethicists Worry Emergence Of Designer Babies Might Make Them Look Really Ugly In Comparison +‘You’re Deleting Your Account? We’ll Be Sad To See You Go,’ Says Facebook Prompt Showing User Photo Of Own Dead Body +Daddy, I Don’t Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created +Mark Zuckerberg Defends Decision To Fly Confederate Flag At Facebook Headquarters +Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million Last Year In Outside Income +Woman Takes Break From Dating To Focus On Everything About Herself No One Could Ever Love +President’s Lawyers Move To Discredit Michael Cohen By Pointing Out History Of Committing Crimes For Trump +Immigrant Child Still Hoping To Achieve American Dream Of Better Cage +Creepy Weirdo Still Stalking You On Facebook +Cowardly Michael Cohen Chooses To Betray President, Go To Prison Rather Than Meet Face-To-Face With ‘The Onion’ +Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death +As A Facebook Employee, I Was Ordered To Bury Thousands Of Stories About Mark Zuckerberg’s Human Zoo +Every Bar Patron Watching World Cup Has Different, Incorrect Definition Of Offside Rule +Facebook Users Ashamed Of Criticizing Company After Seeing Heartwarming ‘Here Together’ Ad Campaign +Next Generation Of Xbox Reportedly Arriving In 2020 +Mark Zuckerberg Insists Anyone With Same Skewed Values And Unrelenting Thirst For Power Could Have Made Same Mistakes +Newly Uncovered Journals Reveal Alexander Graham Bell Invented Telephone As First Step In Consolidating All American Businesses Into Single Monopoly +U.S. Will Suspend Military Drills In South Korea +Kid Who Mowed White House Lawn To Flip On Trump +Nation Shocked Anyone Would Want To Purchase Media Company +TBS To Revive 1990s Atlanta Braves +‘Jurassic Park’ Franchise Turns 25 +Rapidly Expanding AT&T Merges With Entirety Of Existence +‘Jurassic World 2’ To Feature More Scientifically Accurate Jeff Goldblum +White House Staff Forced To Tape Together Presidential Records Ripped Apart By Trump +CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger +Saudi Arabia Announces Escalation Of Human Rights Abuses To Curry More Favor With U.S. +Election Experts Warn Maine’s Voting System Leads To Greater Risk Of Getting Finger Pinched By Live Lobster Stuffed Into Ballot Box +E3 2018 Kicks Off +E3 Organizers Cancel Convention After Discovering Immersive Power Of Literature +Hideo Kojima Says New Experimental Video Game Will Consist Entirely Of 2-Hour-Long Cutscene +Myth Vs. Fact: Homelessness +Body Positivity Advocate Caught In Illicit Tryst With Conventionally Attractive Lover +Research Finds More Education Leads To Nearsightedness +Trump Touts Success Of Singapore Summit After Securing $10 Billion Trade Deal To Sell Nuclear Warheads To North Korea +Scientists Develop Blood Test That May Predict Woman’s Due Date +Justify Wakes Up Next To Decapitated Head Of Prized Jockey After Refusing To Throw Triple Crown +World Leaders Hope Singapore Summit Will Lead To North Korea Becoming Normal Impoverished Country They Don’t Have To Think About +Dalai Lama Swears He Recognizes Guy At Party From Past Life +Couple Fucking At Next Table Obviously On Third Date +Beyoncé And Jay-Z Launch ‘On The Run II’ Tour +Justify, Bravazo Get Into Skirmish During Belmont Stakes Weigh-In +Assistant Always Follows Warner Bros. CEO With Suitcase Containing Codes To Authorize ‘Collateral Beauty 2’ +Curiosity Rover Finds 5 Bucks On Mars +Pilot Informs Passengers They Will Be Rerouting To Avoid Scary Cloud That Looks Like Shark +Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students +Genealogists Find 99% Of People Not Related To Anyone Cool +Report Finds Cancer Deaths Down Overall +Cavs Hoping To Avoid Game 4 +Trump Mulling Possible Pardon Of Martha Stewart +Giuliani Says Kim Jong-Un Begged Like A Has-Been-Politician-Turned-Hack-Attorney Trying To Get A Job At The White House +Himalayan Goat Dies Following Failed Everest Climb +New Final Draft Update Includes Stock Female Characters To Help Fill Out Scripts +Timeline Of The Democratic Party +Miss America Scrapping Swimsuit Portion Of Competition +GE Releases New Flickering Light Bulb For Abandoned Sanatoriums +Mueller Accuses Manafort Of Witnessing Tampering +Graduation Ceremony A Real Broken Fucking Record About Student Who Died In Car Accident +Man Insists Facebook Friend Actually Reads ‘Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human’ Article Before Commenting On It +Colleges Send Out Reminder To Graduates That 2008 Degrees About To Expire +Scott Pruitt Claims Misappropriated EPA Funds Would Have Only Been Wasted On Dumb Shit Like Clean Water +Real Estate Agent Warns Syrian Couple About Neighborhood’s High War Crime Rate +Dunkin’ Donuts Signs 10-Year Partnership To Be Exclusive Food Vendor Of United States +Facebook Less Popular With Teens Than Instagram, Snapchat +Bewildered White House Press Watches Dueling Huckabee Sanderses Each Claim She The Only One Telling Truth +Rain-Soaked Robert Mueller Lets Manafort Surf One Final Monster Wave Before Bringing Him In +76ers Expected To Fire GM Who Created Anonymous Twitter Accounts To Criticize Team +‘Cooking Together Is So Fun,’ Says Man Correcting Girlfriend’s Every Knife Cut +Bill Clinton Still Waiting For Personal Apology From Monica Lewinsky For Using Power As Intern To Exploit Him Sexually +Biggest Volcanic Eruptions In History +Report: 83% Of Americans Just Want To Put On Sunglasses And Say ‘Let’s Do This’ +Ubisoft Confirms It Developing ‘Assassin's Creed’ Set In Ancient Greece +Bill Clinton Admits That Knowing What He Knows Now He Would Have Still Preyed On Women +‘Please, Melania, Don’t Leave Us!’ Pleads King Of Wooded Faerie Realm As First Lady Climbs Back Into Tree Hollow +ICE Agent Trying To Think Of Fun Name For Jail Cell Before Locking Up Immigrant Child +Trump Lawyers Argue President Cannot Obstruct Justice +Rudy Giuliani Lays Out Legal Framework That Would Keep Him On TV For Next Couple Years +Supreme Court Rules Gay Rights Do Not Extend To Dessert +Talkative Motherfucker Not So Extroverted Now That Friend Got Off Train +Legendary Reclusive Author Has Never Published Single Piece Of Writing +Sex On Mars Will Be Difficult, Study Finds +Report: Universe To End Next Friday +Washed-Up Former Spelling Bee Champion Sitting In Front Of TV Sadly Mouthing Along With Scripps Contestants +Trump Boys Construct Fake Melania For Lonely Father To Spend Time With +25,000 Neti Pots Recalled After Defect Causes Water To Shoot Out Of Eyes, Ears +Botanic Garden Forced To Euthanize Rose Bush That Pricked Child +Scientists Are Targeting The Common Cold +Cash-Strapped FiveThirtyEight Lays Off Dozens Of Top Algorithms +Dentist Can Tell Patient Hasn’t Been Brushing Hair +NRA Releases Downloadable Blueprints For First 3D-Printed Gun Lobbyists +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says She Has ‘5 More Years’ On Supreme Court +Cop Who Shot Unarmed Black Man Let Off With A Promotion +‘Men Are Not Oppressed,’ Says Woman Who Has No Idea What It Like To Take Two Whole Escalators To Get To Your Clothing Section At Zara +‘New York Times’ Publisher Reveals Asking Trump To Decrease Anti-Media Rhetoric Except Against Those Fuckers At ‘The Washington Post’ +Study Finds 70% Of Bingo Winners End Up Prizeless Within 5 Years +Woman Accused Of Sending Man 65,000 Text Messages After First Date +CBS Reveals ‘Big Bang Theory’ Season 12 Will Explore Why Sheldon Keeps Job After Sexually Harassing 6 Research Assistants +Trump Denies Existence Of 2016 Russia Meeting Commemorative Merchandise +Carrie Fisher Will Appear In ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’ +Beloved Father And Infrequent Pornography User Loses 3-Year Battle With Cancer +Dog Meets Owner At Door In Desperate Attempt To Get Ahead Of Diarrhea-Rug Scandal +Neil deGrasse Tyson Debunks Stadium’s Home Run Animation Depicting Ball Launching Into The Stratosphere +Hospital Guest Has Creepy Feeling Someone Might Have Died In Her Room +Music Compels Weak Man To Dance +HBO Greenlights ‘Deadwood’ Movie +Minotaur Wondering If There More To Life Than Bashing In Heads Of Those Who Dare Wander Into Labyrinth +Eric Trump Aims Laser Pointer At Don Jr. While Flicking Lights On And Off To Erase Memory Of Russia Meeting +Lyft Considering Offering ‘Zen’ Mode For Those Who Want Quiet Ride +WHO Warns Against Eating Fish And Keeping Active Following Death Of World’s Oldest Woman +10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool +World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance +Investors Remind Mark Zuckerberg He Can’t Fuck With Them Like The Simpering Cowards In Congress +Panicking Mark Zuckerberg Holds Press Conference Explicitly Welcoming Armenian Genocide Deniers To Facebook +Pros And Cons Of Abolishing ICE +Merck CEO Taunts Patients By Lowering Drug Prices Until Just Out Of Their Reach +Facebook Planning To Launch Satellite To Provide Internet To Underserved Parts Of World +Secret Trump–Cohen Audio Tape Released +House Conservatives Introduce Resolution To Impale Rod Rosenstein +Royals Players Concerned About Fan Who Stuck Out 3-Hour Rain Delay +Man Feeling Pressure To Give Mom Grandchildren While She Still Around To Raise Them +White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN +Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Freeze-Away Toe Remover +Trump Vindicated After Rest Of Leaked Recording Reveals Him Urging Racial Reconciliation, Calling For Interfaith Dialogue, Condemning Gender Inequality +Steve Bannon Sets Sights On Spreading Far-Right Europe With New Foundation +Ivanka Trump Shutters Fashion Line +Huckabee Sanders Claims Playing Cohen Tape Backward Reveals Hidden Message Exonerating Trump From All Wrongdoing +Michael Cohen Promises More Damaging Recordings Of Trump Already Public +NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL Team Owners Vote To Unionize +MADD PSA Clarifies It’s Okay To Drive Drunk If It’ll Be Big Pain To Get Car Tomorrow +Cashier Forced To Incorporate Humiliating New Phrase Into Every Customer Interaction +Timeline Of Internet Bots +‘Who Sent You Here,’ Whispers Woman To Big Tray Of Cheese Danishes Confronting Her In Break Room +Papa John’s Add ‘Poison Pill’ Provision To Prevent Founder From Returning +Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine +R. Kelly Releases 19-Minute Song Addressing Sexual Assault +ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers +27-Year-Old Unsure Whether He Can Pull Off Keeping Framed Picture Of Wife On Desk +More Young Adults Are Dying From Alcohol-Related Illnesses +Nana J. Reclaims Top Spot From Gram Gram Following Exceptional Birthday Outing +Confused Mueller Reminds Nation Russia Investigation Wrapped Up Months Ago +Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes +Bee Wishes It Could Hang Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out +R. Kelly Releases Emotional New Song Thanking Fans For Continued Acceptance Of Sex Crimes +Every Driver In Roundabout Just Winging It +New ‘Dune’ Films Planned From Director Of ‘Blade Runner: 2049’ +Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning +Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going +Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed +WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries +Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash +Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time +Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic +Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch +Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump +World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan +Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like +Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid +FBI Reveals Maria Butina Traded Sex In Exchange For All 62,984,828 Votes Trump Received In 2016 +Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off +Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life +FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’ +Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass +Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform +CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought +Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him +Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke +Paul Ryan Worried History May Judge Him Harshly For Failure To Confront Tyrannical Food Stamp Abusers +Mueller Reveals Russia Investigation Just Elaborate Sting To Nail Clinton Child Sex-Slavery Ring +Obama Criticizes Trump In Address To Honor Nelson Mandela's 100th Birthday +Papa John’s Founder Launches New Chain Of Fast-Casual Segregated Lunch Counters +Bill & Melinda Gates Shocked To Learn Ghanaian School Never Intended To Pay Back Money Lent To Them +New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily +Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life +France Wins World Cup +Senate Leaders Warn It Too Early To Discuss Trump +World Wonders What Trump Has On United States That’s Forcing Nation To Keep Him In Power +New Tesla Model 3 Goes From Zero To Engulfed In Flames In 3.5 Seconds +Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community +Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain +Most Infamous Cults In History +Man Feels Less Guilty About Gentrifying Eastern European Neighborhood +Theresa May: Trump Told Me To Sue The EU +Woman Informs Husband That He Made New Friend +GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery +Trump Sits Down With Putin +New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day +Poll Finds 97% Of Americans Don’t Know Who Donald Trump Is +Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What? +Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker +Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better +Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary +Hundreds Of Rowdy Starship Crews Disembark In NYC During Intergalactic Fleet Week +Man Keeps Having Same Experience Where He Shows Up To Work Naked +Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival +Kavanaugh Nomination Falters After Washington Post Publishes Shocking Editorial Claiming He Forgot Daughter’s Piano Recital +Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile +Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’ +Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus +Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote +Love On A Budget +Tearful Trump Admits NATO Alliance Closest Thing To Friendship He’s Ever Had +Trump Demands NATO Allies Match U.S. Commitment To Prioritizing Military Spending Over Healthcare +Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer +Pet Gerbil Has Been Absolutely Crushing It Lately +Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop +Eviction Notice All Business +Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time +Man Knows He Can Always Fall Back On Really Terrible Job That Pays Shit +Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time +Viewers Annoyed Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Interrupted Just To Announce Person Who Will Set Back Social Progress 40 Years +Experts Warn Transitioning Too Quickly From Work To Vacation Could Cause Decompression Sickness +Wimbledon Grounds Crew Frustrated After Learning About Cement Courts +Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive +Picky Refugee Just Expects To Be Reunited With Exact Same Family As Before +New Ford Pickup Features Extendable Tailgate For Teens Getting Pregnant Beneath Fireworks Display +American Cancer Society: Colon Cancer Screenings Should Start At 45 +Australia Invests $377 Million To Protect Great Barrier Reef +Evolution Definitively Proven As Scientists Capture First-Ever Footage Of Chimpanzee Transforming Into Human +Trump Disapproval Rating Reaches All-Time None Of This Matters +Jeffrey Dahmer Estate Releases Collection Of Never-Before-Seen Victim Remains +Restaurant Entrance Doesn’t Work All Damn Day To Be Called ‘Other Door’ +Dad Just Wants Nice, Simple Xbox One For Checking Email +Relationship Experts Recommend Telling Woman You Would Die For Her At Outset Of First Date +Timeline Of The American Education System +Report: High School Marching Band Definitely In Shape Of Something +Warden Scrambling To Find Ways To Punish Striking Inmates Worse Than Their Typical Living Conditions +CDC Reports Surge In Sexually Transmitted Disease +Ron DeSantis Clarifies That ‘Monkey’ Comment Was Intended As Subtle Enough Dog Whistle To Get Away With +University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other +Political Scientists Reassure Americans That Stripping Minorities Of Citizenship Usually Where Descent Into Fascism Peters Out +White House Counsel To Step Down In Fall +Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse +Ryan Zinke Calls For Legislation To Slow Down Destruction Of Wildlife So He Can Truly Savor Every Minute Of It +NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms +Woman Who Has Been Let Down By So Many Leave-In Conditioners Can’t Bear To Put Herself Out There Again +Report Finds Poor Often Hit Hardest By 18-Wheelers +U.S. Judge Bans 3D-Printed Gun Blueprints +Nick Foles Reveals He Turned Down Big Volunteer Opportunities At Church To Remain With Eagles +White Supremacist Living Fulfilling Racist Life Since Getting Kicked Offline +Manafort Sought Plea Deal Before Talks Broke Down +Satan Refuses To Accept Any More Catholic Priests In Hell +6th-Graders Feel Kind Of Bad After Seeing How Easy It Was To Make Young Teacher Cry +Choking Man Can Already Tell Good Samaritan Has No Fucking Clue What They’re Doing +Elon Musk Unveils New Clean Energy Luxury Car Pulled By 8 Tesla Employees +Trump Revokes Puerto Rico Recovery Funds After Learning Hurricane Maria Had Fewer Survivors +5-Year-Old Admits It Pretty Messed Up Spider-Man Visiting His Birthday Party When He Could Be Out Saving Lives +A Look At The Class Of 2022 +So-Called Professional Gamer Not Even Racist +Poll: 70% Of Americans Support Medicare For All +Louis C.K. Fan Disappointed At Lack Of Psychosexual Power Games In New Material +No Amount Of Alcohol Good For You, Report Finds +Republicans Outraged Over RedTube Censoring Of Conservative Voices +New Ted Cruz Campaign Ad Features His Kids Begging For Beto O’Rourke To Be Their New Dad +White House Flag Now Moving Minute To Minute To Indicate Trump’s Mood +Raid Recalls Entire Line Of Insecticide After Realizing Food Chain Would Collapse Without Bugs +Button-Up Shirt Goes On Life-Changing Odyssey Around Dry Cleaner’s Garment Conveyor +Coin Collector Has Some Pretty Fucking Nice Coins +Idris Elba Says He Will Not Be The Next James Bond +New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Teaser Shows Cackling, Power-Mad George R.R. Martin Burning Completed ‘Winds Of Winter’ Manuscript +High School Bully Ready To Unload Summer Vacation’s Worth Of Abuse +Kroger Phasing Out Plastic Bags By 2025 +Researchers No Closer To Understanding What The Fuck You’re Talking About +Florida Passes Strict Ban On Being Unarmed +White House Releases Moving Statement Honoring Woman Who Called Obama An Arab In 2008 +Report: John Lennon Probably Would Have Eventually Died Anyway +Father Sits Teenage Son Down To Explain How Sex With Mom Works +Deeply Indebted Abraham Lincoln Nonprofit May Sell President’s Stovepipe Hat +Alleged Nazi War Criminal Deported Back To Germany +Low-Carb Diet Linked To Dying Young +GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor +Obama Finishes Production On New Netflix Reality Series Where 24 Young Women Vie For Heart Of Former President +Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game +Tips For Winning Escape Rooms +Green Energy Scientists Unveil 800,000-Ton Potato Capable Of Powering Entire City +Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day +GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank +American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’ +Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything +EPA’s New Coal Rule Could Cause 1,400 More Deaths Per Year +Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten +New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch +God Irritated Guests Do Not Understand It Time To Leave Heaven +American Classmates Having Difficulty Understanding Better Educated Foreign Exchange Student +Students Excited To See Slate Of Notable Speakers Who Will Be Disinvited To Campus This Year +Andrew Luck Vows To Bring Indianapolis Fans Another Great Pizza Ad +Michael Cohen Reaches Plea Deal With Prosecutors +Aspiring Felon Moved By Man Who Didn’t Get First 8 Convictions Until His 60s +Trump Boys Frantically Burning Stacks Of Printed-Out Emails To Eliminate Paper Trail +Paul Manafort Found Guilty Of 8 Counts Of Fraud +Nation Would Be Totally Fine Just Doing World Series Now +GOP Quick To Point Out That Michael Cohen Was Merely RNC’s Deputy Finance Chairman +Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him +Gwyneth Paltrow Reveals Secret To Her Healthy, Radiant Skin Eating 20 Pounds Of Kielbasa A Day +Nation Shudders To Think How Bad Things Would Seem If They Didn’t Have Access To A Never-Ending Torrent Of Free Pornography +Pros And Cons Of Trump’s Space Force +Landlord Promises To Figure Out Why Leaky Ceiling Not His Fault +Pope Francis Pens Scathing Letter About Abuse Scandal +PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens +Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’ +Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’ +New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin +Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017 +LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums +Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees +Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump +Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price +Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms +Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies +Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This +Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime +Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump +Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem +India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People +Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users +Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count +Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles +Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ +Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice +Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased +Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog +‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back +Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps +World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast +West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star +Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once +Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look +Hotshot Peasant Has Window +Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings +Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons +Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant +NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It +MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers +Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance +Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again +Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party +Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press +Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’ +Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture +NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season +NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There +North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang +Chris Columbus Admits There Are Hours Of ‘Home Alone 2’ Outtakes Featuring Trump Saying Racial Slurs +Report: Statistically Speaking There’s Decent Chance Pope Francis Molested Someone +Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land +Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus +Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It +Study Finds That All The Worst People Will Outlive You +The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’ +Arby’s Releases Barbara Bush Tribute Edition Curly Fries +More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media +Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything +Omarosa Searches Through Tapes Of Everyone Else In White House Using N-Word For One Of Trump +Omarosa Plays Tapes Of Firing By John Kelly +Elon Musk Gives Saudi Investors Presentation On New Autonomous Beheading Machine For Adulterers +Bill Belichick Announces This Final Season He Will Coach In Current Mortal Form +Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth +I’m Not Sure Why I Should Suffer For Something I Did 10 Years Ago And Would Do Again In A Heartbeat +Q Forced To Resign From Department Of Agriculture For Improper Filing Of Expense Reports +Mayor Of Phoenix Apologizes For Naming Berlin Germany Of 1941 As Sister City +Area Man Would Have Done Things Differently If He Were Killer In Movie +Rashida Tlaib Set To Be First Muslim American Woman In Congress +Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her +Counter Protesters Far Outnumber White Nationalists At ‘Unite The Right’ +Mother Annoyed Son Playing Video Games On Beautiful Day When He Could Go Outside To Kill People +‘Join Email List’ Box Pre-Checked Like Sneaky, Conniving Fucker It Is +Trump Condemns White House Staffers’ Use Of Secret Recording Studio +Millions Of White Nationalists Gather In Streets, Offices Around Country To Normally Go About Day +Signs Make Upcoming Section Of Road Sound Pretty Badass +2018 Election Has Record Number Of Women Nominees +Unearthed Cave Painting Of Wooly Mammoth, Saber-Tooth Tiger Reveals Humans Have Debated What Things Would Win In A Fight Since 30,000 B.C. +Former Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Under Investigation For Tax Fraud +New Stardew Valley Expansion Allows Player To Shoot Self In Barn After Family Farm Bankrupted By Corporate Agribusiness +Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men +Scouts Highly Doubtful Tim Tebow Will Ever Make It To Heaven +Mueller Scrambling After Accidentally Spilling Whole Big Gulp All Over Russia Evidence +Pros And Cons Of Using Images Of Deceased People Onscreen +Virginia Governor Orders State Of Emergency Ahead Of ‘Unite The Right’ Anniversary +Rachel Maddow Claims New Audio Damning Enough To Pad Out Entire Week’s Worth Of Shows +Driver Swerves To Avoid Deer Standing Right In Middle Of Zoo +Pentagon Officials Listen In Silence As Mike Pence Details Plans For Angel-Guided Defense Weapons System +Struggling Used Bookstore Has Tried Everything But Organizing Books By Genre And Author +Yemen Unveils New 80-Story Drone Zapper +Coed Rec Softball Team Having Trouble Finding Enough Hyper-Competitive Men To Ruin Experience +Giuliani Demands Mueller Wrap Up Investigation And Imprison President By September +InfoWars Moves To Ban Alex Jones +Wilbur Ross Accused Of Stealing $120 Million From Past Associates +Report Finds Letting Stranger Bum Cigarette Sole Act Of Human Compassion Still In Practice +Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes +Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent +Annoying Coworker Insists On Existing Right In Visual Range +It Pretty Obvious What Friend Will Look Like Old +Best TV Show Opening Credits Sequences Of All Time +Catholic Church Now Opposes Death Penalty In All Cases +Young Girls Creeped Out By Older Scientists Constantly Trying To Lure Them Into STEM +Stephen Miller Desperately Searching For Next Fix After High Of Detained Children Starts Wearing Off +Heading May Be Riskier For Female Soccer Players Than Males +Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up +Rick Gates Fondly Recalls Manafort Finding Him As Hapless Street Urchin And Teaching Him How To Pickpocket +Embarrassed California Firefighters Realize They’ve Been Spraying Flames This Whole Time +Frustrated Rahm Emanuel Torn Between Addressing Chicago’s Shootings, Just Fucking Going For Nation’s Murder Capital +Cash-Strapped NRA Forced To Shoot Dozens Of Redundant Employees +Carmelo Thinking He Would Be Good Fit On Team With GM Who Hasn’t Been Paying Attention Last Few Years +Alex Jones Warns Fans Quitting His Supplements Cold Turkey Can Lead To Homosexuality, Judaism +Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park +First Amendment Experts Warn Facebook Banning InfoWars Could Set Completely Reasonable Precedent For Free Speech +Man Knows In Reality Marrying Minnie Mouse Wouldn’t Be As Perfect As He Imagines +Russian Orphans Devastated After Realizing Trump Tower Meeting Not About Getting Them Adopted +President Admits Trump Tower Meeting Was To Get Dirt On Clinton +Backpedaling Trump Claims Eldest Son Would Probably Be Fine Doing 5 To 10 Years In Prison +Financial Planners Suggest Spending One Evening Each Week Ripping Apart Walls, Floorboards In Search For Cash +Owl Can’t Remember Which Direction To Rotate Head Back +Police Officer Wouldn’t Have Killed Black Man If He Knew Everyone Would Make Such A Big Fuss About It +Trump Pushes For Interview With Mueller +Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech +Grandmother Can’t Believe She Hung On This Long For Granddaughter’s Lame-Ass Wedding +Trump Administration Revokes Obama-Era Fuel Standards +Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely Clementines +Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 Stabbing +Steve Buscemi To Make Surprise Guest Appearance In This Article +White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes +Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial +Senate Bill Would Require Census To Ask About Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity +Christian Pornographer Refuses To Film Sex Tape For Gay Couple +The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’ +‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People +Court Says Monkey Cannot Hold Rights To Own Selfie +Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’ +Ivanka Trump Distraught After Learning Detained Migrant Children Completely Without Sewing Machines +Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns +Ohio State Puts Urban Meyer On Paid Secret Coaching Leave +Israel Passes Law Cementing Itself As Exclusive Nation-State Of Benjamin Netanyahu +Terry Francona Still Amazed People Think Managing Baseball Hard In Any Way +Alex Trebek May Leave ‘Jeopardy!’ In 2020 +Manafort Trial Begins +Facebook Identifies Dozens Of Suspicious Accounts Seemingly Enjoying Time On Website +New Restaurant Specializes In Trendy Japanese-Japanese Fusion Cuisine +Netflix Adds Thousands Of Mediocre New Subscribers +Loose-Cannon Cop Who Doesn’t Play By The Rules Uses Unconventional Filing System For Paperwork While On Desk Duty +Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Coffee +Sessions Vows To Protect All Deeply Held Religious Bigotry +McDonald’s Unveils ‘MacCoin’ To Celebrate 50th Anniversary Of Big Mac +Lisa Murkowski Admits She Thought Being Alaskan Senator Would Just Mean Having To Deal With Bears And Shit +Christine Blasey Ford Testifies On Sexual Assault Allegations Against Brett Kavanaugh +Mark Judge Can’t Believe That Fucking Lightweight Kavanaugh Got ‘Boofing’ And ‘The Devil’s Triangle’ Wrong +Health Experts Urge Parents To Dramatically Reduce Childrens’ On-Screen Time +Lindsey Graham Dining Alone At Applebee’s Kind Of Wishes Protesters Would Come Heckle Him +The Beatles Announces ‘The White Album’ 50th Anniversary Edition +The Case For And Against Getting Rid Of The Penny +Study Finds Humans Evolved Fingers To Stop Dropping Stuff +Dunkin’ Donuts Changes Name To Dunkin’ +Researchers Observe Chimpanzees Using Pro Tools +Kavanaugh Impressed By Hazing Rituals Before They Let You Join Supreme Court +Kavanaugh Claims He Never Committed Sexual Assault As It Will Be Defined After Future Supreme Court Case +GOP Attacks Christine Blasey Ford For Never Coming Forward To Testify +Logging Industry Announces That They Just Can’t Fucking Get Enough Of Logs +Mother Proud She Raised Type Of Person No One Would Ever Believe Would Rape Someone +Dasani Under Fire After Tanker Explosion Leads To Massive Water Spill Off Coast Of Mexico +New Zealand Prime Minister’s Baby Becomes First To Attend U.N. General Assembly +Disheveled CDC Director Warns Of ‘Invisible Germs Crawling Everywhere’ From Inside Sealed Plastic Bubble +Japan Lands First-Ever Robots On Asteroid +Trump Regrets Choosing Kavanaugh After Supreme Court Nominee Keeps Talking About How Much He Respects Women +David Lynch Finally Releases Colorized Edition Of ‘Eraserhead’ +Man Finally Comfortable Enough Around Girlfriend To Cheat On Her +Trump Speaks Out Against Globalism At U.N. General Assembly +Cash-Strapped Yellowstone Cuts Funding Of Program To Provide Hibernating Bears With Sleeping Caps +Troy Aikman Warns Fans About Comparing Concussions Between Eras +Kavanaugh Sobering Up After 35-Year Bender Shocked To Find Out He’s Supreme Court Nominee +‘Boy Meets World’ Turns 25 +‘The Investigation Ends Now,’ Growls Shadow Counsel Holding Mueller By Throat At Top Of Washington Monument +New NFL Safety Rule Encourages Players To Take Out More Aggression Off The Field +ISIS Attacks Drop In West +Proposed Legislation Would Require Airline Seats Meet Federal Ass Standards +Kavanaugh Says It’s Super Embarrassing And Sad That Christine Blasey Ford Still In Love With Him +Everyone At U.N. Watching Trump Speak Can’t Believe They Used To Consider U.S. A Superpower +Toddlers Debate Whether ‘Dora’s Explorer Girls’ Canon Or Expanded Universe +Man Wondering If There Might Be Some Sort Of Website Featuring Footage Of Sexual Acts One May View For Purposes Of Self-Gratification +LeBron James To Star In ‘Space Jam’ Sequel +Mom Announces Plans To Get Out Some Of Your Old Baby Stuff And Quietly Stare At It +Chicago Considers Universal Income To Tackle Poverty +Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform +Report: This Week’s All Fucking Hell Breaking Loose Projected To Be 30% More Insane Than Last Week’s Complete Shitshow +Experts Say Puerto Rico Still Extremely Vulnerable To Future U.S. Government +SpaceX Announces First Private Passenger To Fly To Moon +BREAKING: Wait—Sorry, False Alarm +Woman Shouts Down Hall For Boyfriend To Come Kill Giant Ax Murderer She Found In Bedroom +God Excited He Only Two Mortgage Payments Away From Owning Heaven +Zoologists Admit You Really Got To Hand It To Bats For Learning To Fly +Sean McDermott Wonders If He Still Needs To Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bills Going To Lose +Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder +Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make +Comey: Mueller May be In ‘Fourth Quarter’ Of Investigation +Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money +Pros And Cons Of Amazon +Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There +Applicant Who Actually Faced Punishment For Sexual Assault Clearly Not Yale Material +College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon +Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December +Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animation +GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser +Report: Make It Stop +‘Sesame Street’ Writer Backtracks On Claim That Bert And Ernie Gay +Report: 80% Of Women Currently Wearing Wrong Size Bra, Shirt, Shoes, Pants, Hat +Kevin Hart Just Going To Assume He’s In ‘Space Jam 2’ Unless He Hears Otherwise +4th Grader Panics Upon Realizing Classmate Giving Presentation Had Exact Same Summer As He Did +Al Roker Strongly Considers Retiring From Creating The Weather +Sweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My Life +New Beatles Box Set Features 172 Unreleased Songs About Wanting To Hold Hands +Brad Pitt’s Foundation Sued For Building Shoddy Homes After Katrina +GOP Officials: Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager +Supposedly Educated Professor Has No Idea How To Get Bird Out Of Lecture Hall +FEMA Dispatches Crews To Do Whatever They Need To Do To Look Busy +Senate Passes Bipartisan Opioid Legislation +The Worst Hurricanes In U.S. History +Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement +Shocking Biblical Study Reveals Methushael Did Not Beget Lamech +Local Man Unsure If Woman Type Of Lesbian Who Only Dates Women +Paul McCartney Releases 18th Solo Album +Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask +Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina +White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor +Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million +Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run +Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush +Scientists Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters +Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House +London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum +FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence +Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit +Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World +White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 +Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court +Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared +Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse +Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users +Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ +White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide +Area Man Fantasized About For One And Only Time In His Life +Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel +Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot +Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year +The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions +High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend +Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel +Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President +Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party +Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse +The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh +New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West +Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE +FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane +Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans +Pope Francis On Vatican Abuse Scandal: ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ +Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview +Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride +Apple Releases Three New iPhones +Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works +More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence +Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing +Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer +Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think +Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric +Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video +Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions +FEMA Frantically Prepares Apology For Screwing Up Hurricane Florence Response +Russell Wilson Asks Seahawks To Modify Play Where He’s Immediately Tackled By Six Players +Matthew Berry Admits He Just Drafts Fantasy Players Whose Names He Recognizes +Survey Finds Majority Of Autonomous Car Crashes In California Caused By Human Error +Trump Unfairly Claims Credit For Rise In Economic Inequality That Occurred Under Obama’s Watch +Middle School Janitor Can Already Tell He Going To Have To Befriend New Kid +Trump Boys Leave $5 Bill, Candy Bar Under Propped-Up Laundry Basket In Effort To Catch Op-Ed Writer +Comments Mysteriously Disabled On YouTube Video Of Sparrow In Yard +Report: That’s Expensive, Please Put That Down +U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low +CBS To Retain Les Moonves’ Services In Smaller Sexual-Predator-At-Large Role +Myrtle Beach Resident Refuses To Evacuate From Family’s Ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop +Study: 83% Of Marathon Spectators Only Attend For Sick Thrill Of Watching Fellow Man Suffer +Study Finds 44% Of Young People Deleted Facebook App From Phone In Last Year +Defiant Dallas Police Officer Claims Anyone Could Have Mistaken Black Man’s Apartment For Gun +Obama Urges Young Voters To Ignore How Many Lousy Candidates Democratic Party Runs +Whoa, Classmate Got Totally Hideous Over Summer Vacation +India Decriminalizes Homosexuality +God Furious At Every Human Who Isn’t Actively Trying To Get As Fat As Possible Off Bounty He Provided +Fan Going To See How First Few Games Go Before Declaring Moral Objection To Watching NFL +Biden To Decide On 2020 Run By January +‘New York Times’ Publishes Bombshell Anonymous Opinion Article From White House Insider +Eiffel Tower Finally Completed +New Study Confirms This Didn’t Even Feel Like A 4-Day Work Week +MTA Official Too Nervous To Tell Commuters Waiting For Train That Service Shut Down Permanently An Hour Ago +Deformed, Half-Feathered Audubon Society President Flees Into Forest After Injecting Self With Bird DNA +‘Rock The Caliphate’ Charity Concert Features U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa Coming Together To Raise Money For Struggling Islamic State +Man Discovers Huge Cache Of Rare Fossils While Walking Through Natural History Museum +2018 NFL Season Storylines To Watch +Facebook Employee Group Aims To Promote Political Diversity +Fucking Idiot Has Perfect GIF For That +‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President Ever +Woman Would Have Had Awesome Time Aborting Fetus If It Weren’t For Angry Protestors Screaming Outside Clinic +Kavanaugh Surprised Senate Not Questioning Fact He Never Went To Law School +Fabled Lost City Of Gold Finally Discovered Off I-95 Outside Baltimore +Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks +Clothes Come To Forefront As Major Theme In This Year’s New York Fashion Week +Disillusioned Woman Now Wondering If Any Of Her Magical Vagina Stones Have Healing Powers +Carl Bernstein Weeps Uncontrollably After Learning Bob Woodward Wrote A President Book Without Him +Nike Makes Colin Kaepernick Face Of New Ad Campaign +Shohei Ohtani Regrets Not Researching Which Teams Were Good Before Signing With Angels +Kavanaugh Panicking After Botching Part Of Confirmation Where He Asked If He Rejects Satan +John Kelly Relieved Trump So Fucking Stupid He’ll Believe Woodward Made Up Disparaging Quotes +Kavanaugh Packing Gun At Congressional Hearing In Case Parkland Father Tries To Shake His Hand Again +World’s Cartographers Continue Living Secret Life Of Luxury On Idyllic, Never Disclosed 8th Continent +The Onion’s Guide To Twitch +Two-Faced House Guest Who Didn’t Need Anything Suddenly Wants Glass Of Water +HBO Ending Its Skinemax Offerings +Trump Disapproval Rating At All-Time High +Literary Theorists Admit They Still Have No Idea What Animal Farm About +Embarrassed Brett Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He Wore Handmaid Costume On Same Day As Protesters +David Remnick Quietly Relieved He Won’t Have To Lose Debate To Steve Bannon In Front Of Everyone +Competitive Adidas Unveils Darren Wilson As New Face Of Brand +I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Eat Meat After Seeing That Tic-Tac-Toe-Playing Chicken At The County Fair +Societal Collapse Narrowly Averted After Man Honks Horn At Car Paused At Green Light +California Man Charged With Threatening To Kill ‘Boston Globe’ Employees +Scientists Determine Tingling Sensation Of ASMR Caused By Mass Brain Cell Die-Off +Nation Baffled By Childless Woman Who Doesn’t Even Have High-Powered Career +Alabama Begins Offering Tax Credit To Attract More YouTube Fail Compilations To Be Filmed In State +Paramedics Didn’t Realize How Hard It Would Be To Cut Drunk Woman Out Of Elmo Costume +Woman Sick Of Being Stuck In Back Half Of Velma Costume Entire Halloween Party +Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle +Fortnite, Spider-Man Top 2018’s Most Popular Halloween Costumes +‘Kanye Must Be Back On His Meds,’ Says Nation Technically Having Conversation About Mental Illness +‘It’s Just A Costume, It’s Just A Costume,’ Man Nervously Assures Himself As Giant Hot Dog Starts Walking Toward Him +‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion +Man Exhausted After Having To Explain Halloween Costume For Umpteenth Time +Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watch +Instagram Surpasses Snapchat As Most-Used App By U.S. Teens +Inmates Scrambling To Replace Whitey Bulger In Prison Production Of ‘Guys And Dolls’ +God Confirms Whitey Bulger Sent To Hell For Snitching +Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Law +Haunted House Guests Escorted Into VIP Section Where They Can Touch The Performers +GLAAD: Number Of LGBTQ Series Regulars On TV At All-Time High +Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loophole +Cryptic Long John Silver’s Campaign Just Says ‘You Are The Bait Now’ +Voter Just Needs To Know Which Candidate Chops Wood In A Flannel Shirt +Revlon Unveils New Age-Defying Monster Makeup +New York Sues ExxonMobil For Misleading Investors On Climate Change +Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own +Megyn Kelly Out At NBC +CDC: One-Third Of Americans Eat Fast Food Every Day +Coleman Unveils New Slowly Leaking Air Mattress For House Guests Who Won’t Take A Hint +New Study Shows Majority Of Late Afternoon Sleepiness At Work Caused By Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak +Trump Slams Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy For Not Doing More To Prevent Synagogue Shooting +Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapist When They Could Just Emotionally Crush Girlfriend +MTA Unveils $28 Billion Plan To Renovate Subway Masturbators +‘Fox & Friends’ Denounces Bombing Suspect As Overenthusiastic Fan Whose Heart Basically In Right Place +‘It’s Like You’re Hearing Me But You’re Not Listening To Me,’ Says Man To Representative On Oscar Mayer Customer Service Hotline +Queen Elizabeth Hides Out In Bushes To Catch Whoever Keeps Stealing Packages From Buckingham Palace Porch +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Report: Average American Spends 25% Of Life Waiting In Line At Cell Phone Store +Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell +‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Released +Trump Boys Smash Father’s Cell Phone To Search For Chinese Spies +CDC Introduces ‘Raw Dog’ The STI Pup To Educate Children About The Dangers Of Unprotected Sex +Saudis Tout Hundreds Of Yemeni Lives Saved By Spending So Much Time Focused On Killing Khashoggi +Pros And Cons Of Genetic Testing For Ancestry +Report: Logan’s Mom Put Him On A Diet +‘Kavanaugh Effect’ More Likely To Benefit Democrats Than Republicans +Buzz Aldrin Recalls How Easy It Was Getting To The Moon +Explosive Device Found In Mail Sent To Biden, Obama +Wildest Friend Called Up From Bench To Help Woman Get Over Breakup +Midterms Predicted To Have Largest Voter In Decades +42% Of New Cancer Patients Lose Their Life Savings +Study Finds Effectiveness Of Medical Treatment Skyrockets When Doctor Acts Like Condescending Dick +Romantic Prince Harry Surprises Meghan Markle With Family’s Heirloom Colony +14-Hour Labor Not Exactly Cakewalk For Baby Sticking Halfway Out Mother’s Vagina Either +Elon Musk To Open First High-Speed Test Tunnel On December 10 +Man Just Knows Hillary Clinton Going To Have Opinion On Not Dying In Explosion +Poll Finds Americans Still Fiercely Divided Along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë Lines +Chuck Schumer Relieved He’s Never Taken Stance Meaningful Enough To Have Someone Mail Him Explosive +Report: Just 2 More Days And You Can Forget All Of This, Vanish Into ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ +Christie’s Auctions Off Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, Thesis Paper +Man On Bus Can Tell By Surroundings He Either Hasn’t Reached Stop Yet Or Passed Stop Long Time Ago +Midterms 2018: Gubernatorial Races To Watch +Melania Wishes Just Once She Could Look In Mirror Without Own Reflection Turning Away, Gust Of Wind Blowing Through Room, Doors Slamming Shut +Election-Crazed ‘New York Times’ Expands Poll Coverage To 18.5 Million More Races In 371 Additional States +Video Footage Shows Khashoggi Body Double Exiting Consulate +Video Game Blacksmith Struggling To Compete With Random Chests Full Of Free Armor All Over Kingdom +Couple Starting To Feel Like They Just Don’t Have Any TV Shows In Common +Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latest +Man Does Incredibly Well At Slot Machine Demo Embedded In Ad +Report Finds More Than 2 Million U.S. Middle Schoolers And High Schoolers Have Vaped Marijuana +Uber Hires Marketing Firm To Help Decrease Brand Awareness +Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruz +Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rally +Susan G. Komen President Achieves Total Breast Cancer Awareness During 3-Day Ayahuasca Retreat +Greenhouse Gas Emissions Declined 3% Under Trump +Saudi Operative Mortified After Surveillance Footage Reveals He Wore Same Outfit As Khashoggi +104-Year-Old Reveals Secret To Long Life Being Cursed By Witch To Wander Earth Eternally +Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television +Voter Turnout Could Hit 50-Year High For Midterm Elections +Study Finds Placing One Foot Forward, Then The Other, Remains Best Method Of Walking +Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms +Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound +Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign +Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds +FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine +Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder +Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family +Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court +KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That +‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation +Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay +Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging +Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court +Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize +Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls +Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV +New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas +Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales +Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry +Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady +All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken +Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined +The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology +Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 +Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood +Kinky Girlfriend Wants To Try Sexual Pleasure Tonight +Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium +Sears Files For Bankruptcy +‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance +‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr +This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members +Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies +Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family +State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms +Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt +ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid +University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death +Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent +Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years +Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options +Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight +Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War +Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica +Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last +Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty +Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend +Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed +Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour +Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot +Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie +Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation +Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium +Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians +Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted +Report: Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters +Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes +Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael +‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns +Hurricane Michael Makes Landfall In Most Dangerous Storm In Florida Panhandle History +Salamanders Bravely Offer To Go Extinct In Place Of Better Animal +Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago +Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull +Report: Students Who Take Latin Have Better Chance Of Summoning Demon Later In Life +Kim Jong-Un Wants Pope To Visit North Korea +‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection +Nikki Haley Resigns As Trump’s U.N. Ambassador +U.S. Citizens: ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’ +NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling +U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020 +Febreze Releases New Air Horn For Covering Up Unpleasant Bathroom Sounds +Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Landlord +ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil +Taylor Swift Breaks Silence On Politics To Support Democrats +‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them +U.N. Reports Says Humanity Has 12 Years To Avert Climate-Related Catastrophe +New Polls Increase Fears That Midterm Elections Will Be Won By Wave Of Politicians +Nikki Haley Resigns To Accept Consulting Role With Afghan Warlord +Taylor Swift Inspires 200 Million Fans To Register To Vote In Tennessee +Report: Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions +Study: Nearly Half Of Anti-‘The Last Jedi’ Tweets Were Bots +Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby +Sometimes, In My Lowest Moments, I Feel Like No One Would Even Care If I Dyed My Hair +Simple Joy Of Childhood Stolen From Toddler Who Was Just Told He Can’t Touch Own Genitals At Dinner Table +Strange, Nightmarish Incident Results In Man Waking Up As Giant Kafka +Report: There Never Been A Better Time To Buy Than Right Now +Climate Scientists Confirm There’s Still Time To Blow Up The Earth +Saudis Insist Missing Journalist Was Already Dismembered Before He Left Consulate +Sexual Harassment May Have Lasting Health Effects On Women +Senior Citizen Apparently Here To Fix Apartment Sink +Middlebury Vermont Town Council Continues 242-Year Tradition Of American Democracy With 4-1 Vote To Rezone Lot For New Popeyes +Senate Confirms Brett Kavanaugh To Supreme Court +Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past +Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan +Therapists Recommend Treating People Like Shit If You’re Having A Bad Day +Magpie Worried Mate Only Interested In Him For Collection Of Shiny Objects +Pope Francis Renounces Papacy After Falling In Love With Beautiful American Divorcee +Atlanta Plans Change To Names Of Streets Honoring Confederacy +Woman In Waiting Area Feels Twinge Of Betrayal While Watching Her Hairdresser Making Small Talk With Another +U.N. Court Orders U.S. To Ease Sanctions Against Iran +Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago +Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man +Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller +Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery +Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’ +Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award +Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His Father +Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report +Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize +World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium +Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting Tour +Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’ +Iowa Aims To Keep Young People From Moving Out Of State With New ‘The Stress Will Kill Your Mother’ Retention Campaign +Amazon Raises Minimum Wage For Workers To $15 +Clinton Laughs Off Idea She Politically Savvy Enough To Launch Revenge Campaign On Kavanaugh +Ted Cruz Heckled Out Of D.C. Restaurant +Bill Gates Offering $1 Million To Anyone Who Can Design Condom He Can’t Break +FBI Agent Still Tasked With Following Noam Chomsky Around Prepares For Another Day In Local Panera +Newly Discovered DNA Evidence Suggests Children Could Be Closely Related To Humans +Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’Rourke +God Admits There Was Probably A Better Way Of Giving Humans Taste Of Heavenly Bliss Than Opioids +Lions, Zebras, Giraffes Run Off Cliff Shrieking En Masse As Shadow Of Melania Trump’s Jet Passes Over Savanna +U.S. And Canada Reach Deal To Replace NAFTA +Kavanaugh Starting To Get Worried About Not Hearing Back After Job Interview +White House Corrects Transcript To Add Few More Insults About Female Reporter +Paper Towels On Amazon Surge To $2,000 A Roll After Crippling Cost Increase Of Paying Workers A Living Wage +Cure For Cancer Only 10 Years Away, Announce Scientists Who Work Better Under A Deadline +Area Man Always Carbo-Loading Just In Case +Coca-Cola May Move Into Marijuana Products +Nation’s Little Piggies Demand A Sweet Treat +Homeland Security Director Releases List Of Terrorists Who Don’t Have The Balls To Attack U.S. +Chuck Grassley Scratches ‘Christine Blasey’s A Slut’ Into Senate Bathroom Stall +Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Tesla Chairman +Nation Urged To Be Extra Sensitive To Men Reliving Trauma Of Not Getting Something +Annoyed Movers Weren’t Expecting Client To Have Belongings +Newly Sober Kavanaugh Introduces Sponsor Who Says He Needs Supreme Court Seat As Part Of Recovery +Chris Pine Depressed By Realization He Could Probably Win Governorship Somewhere +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Voices Support For #MeToo +Man Has Absolutely No Clue How Old Anyone He Knows Is +Casual Christian Accepts Christ As His Lord But Not His Savior +Bhutanese Man Can’t Believe Pharmacy Already Stocking Stuff For Lhabab Duchen +FDA Cracks Down On Vaping Among Young People +Angela Merkel Admits She Only Attending Stupid Work Conference For Free Trip To Argentina +G20 Leaders Attend Saudi Crown Prince’s Informative Seminar On Eliminating Dissident Journalists +‘Walking Dead’ Fans Split On Recent Harlem Globetrotters Crossover Episode +Recruiter Saw Your Background In Computer Science And Thought Maybe You’d Be Interested In Working Part-Time At A Kohl’s In Sioux City +Gimp Tied To Pole On Curb Outside Coffee Shop While Owner Inside +If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn’t Really That Super Into Her +Pros And Cons Of Teacher Tenure +Undocumented Immigrant Population In U.S. Falls To 12-Year Low +Democrats Pick Nancy Pelosi As Next House Speaker +Study Finds Rising Sea Levels Result Of Expansive Colonization Effort By Dolphins +Shop Class In Rich School District Just Teaches Students How To Deal With General Contractors +White House Calls Own Climate Change Report ‘Extreme,’ ‘Not Based On Fact’ +Man Hates Having To Wear Condoms All Day Every Day +Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon Executives +Moon Now Overrun With Cane Toads After Species Accidentally Introduced Into Environment During Apollo 17 Mission +Stephen King Stuck At Book Signing For Hours Writing Personalized Novels For Line Of Fans +Millennials No Longer Living With Parents +Nation’s Gynecologists Assure Women That Whatever Gets Stuck In There They Can Get Out +Trump Boys Swallow Luggage Keys In Case They Get Locked Up In Jail And Need To Escape +Pros And Cons Of Delaying School Start Time +‘Pope Francis’ Popularity Down Among Catholics +Dave Matthews Band Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds Of Human Shit Onto Same Boat Full Of People +Historians Reveal Thousands Of Immigrants Were Forced To Change Hairstyle At Ellis Island +Report: Scientists Still Decades Away From Deciphering Wireless Bill +Depressed Mueller Wonders What It Is About Him That Makes Everyone Lie To Him +Trump Insists Manafort, Assange Only Discussed How Bad Collusion Is +EU Leaders Approve Brexit Deal +Biologists Unveil New Taxonomic System Classifying Species By Hotness +NASA Catches Glimpse Of Hard-Charging Curiosity Rover Just Before InSight’s Communications Go Dark +Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue +John Kasich ‘Very Seriously’ Considering Challenge To Trump In 2020 +New York Approves $13 Billion Plan To Rid JFK Airport Of Former President’s Ghost +Putin Condemns Ukrainian People’s Unprovoked 1,000-Year Occupation Of South Russia +Tear Gas Manufacturers Worried About Association With Everything Tear Gas Used For +Horrified Nation Wakes Up On Cyber Monday To Find Amazon Echo Devices Embedded Beneath Skin +California Camp Fire Fully Contained +Report: More Travelers Avoiding Long Lines At Airport Thanks To Cinnabon PreCheck Memberships +Human Slave From Future Remembers When Cyber Monday Was About Celebrating Savings, Not Robot Uprising +Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games’ False Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates +Paul McCartney Saddened After Learning About Death Of Longtime Collaborator John Lennon +Study Finds Dogs Twitching In Sleep Are Dreaming About Tearing Owners Limb From Limb +Milk Straight From Breast Best For Baby’s Weight +Modern-Day Rudy Fulfills Dream Of Showering With Notre Dame Football Team +Study: Many Obama Voters Switched To Trump Because Of Race +Report: You Have Been Selected To Make A Purchase At The Onion Store +Woman Toys With Idea Of Getting Sister Something Nice They Can Do Together As Gift Before Settling On Candle +Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving +Everyone At Thanksgiving Doing Chore To Get Away From Rest Of Family +93-Year-Old Grandmother At Thanksgiving Worried This Last Time She Sees Fuck-Up Grandson Before He Dies +Man Pissed After Becoming Trapped In Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade While Out Walking Giant Pikachu Balloon +More Than 43 Million Travel Home For Thanksgiving +Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving +Timeline Of Thanksgiving +CDC: Alzheimer’s, Dementia Cases To Double By 2060 +Michael Bloomberg Gives $1.8 Billion To Johns Hopkins University +Nation’s Aunts Announce Their 2018 Thanksgiving Boyfriend Roster +Study: Average Man Thinks Of Santa Every 7 Seconds +Report: Purchasing Items From Onion Store Most Important Way To Either Stop Or Help Donald Trump +Open-Ended New Bill Criminalizes Whatever Black People Up To Right Now +California Sets Goal Of 100% Clean Energy By 2045 +Percentage Of Unvaccinated Children In U.S. Has Quadrupled Since 2001 +‘We Will Never Speak Of This Again,’ Says Trump To Mohammed Bin Salman As They Dump Khashoggi’s Body Into New Jersey River +Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well +Yankees Avoid Luxury Tax By Moving Franchise To Offshore Location +Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything +MTA Reveals They Have No Idea Where Voices Speaking To Everyone On Subway Coming From +Nation Admits Being So Coked-Out In ’80s They Have No Memory Of Reading ‘Cujo’ +‘Toy Story 4’ Teaser Released +‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20 +Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase +Hate Crimes Continue To Rise +‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby +Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again +Archaeologists Apologize For Murdering Last Remaining Neanderthal In Fit Of Crazed Bloodlust +Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99 +Khashoggi Assassin Hopes Bonus Check From Saudi Crown Prince Clears Before Execution +China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy +George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book +Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered +Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi +Report: Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life +Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store +Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management +Disgusting Coworker Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom +Widow Still Can’t Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband’s Corpse +Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene +Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters +Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House +Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives +Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise +Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff +Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude +Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers +The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ +Report: Nation Getting Out All Its Aggression During Monthly Calls To Wireless Provider To Fix Service +North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases +New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage +NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting +New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now +Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People +Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump +Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President +Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya +Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE +Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms +‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy +3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana +Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams +Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats +Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God +Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him +FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line +Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert +Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize +Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands +Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress +Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices +City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers +Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest +Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others +Tips For Ending A Friendship +Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019 +Trump Says He Hopes To Work With Democrats On Infrastructure, Drug Pricing +Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute +Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General +Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors +‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta +Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him +Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations +Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital +Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall +Sick Parent Offers Man Perfect Excuse To Move Back Home And Give Up Dreams +Idris Elba Named Sexiest Man Alive +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz +Pistachio-Eating Man Achieves ‘Flow’ State +Democrats Win House +Nonprofit Places Burnouts In Jobs You Can Do Blitzed Out Of Your Mind +Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms +Upcoming ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Expansion Allows Players To Experience Story From Horse’s Perspective +Report: More Prisons Now Encouraging Inmates To Explore Their Creativity By Designing Own Method Of Execution +Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country +Report Finds J. Geils Band’s ‘Centerfold’ Will Outlast You And All That You Create In This Life +Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election +Report: Wealth Of America’s 3 Richest Families Grew By 6,000% Since 1982 +Increasingly Paranoid Campbell’s Begins Stockpiling All Its Soup To Prepare For Doomsday +Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredder +Poll: 43% Of Americans Believe #MeToo Has Gone Too Far +Man Confused By Obscure Down-Ballot Measure About Deciding Who His Senator Should Be +Uber Offering Discounted Wages For Election Day +Pros And Cons Of Compulsory Voting +North Carolina Voter In Heavily Gerrymandered District Somehow Voting For Montana Senate, Mayor Of Phoenix +Americans Head To The Polls +Review: ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Delivers With A Beautifully Rendered World, But Stumbles As An Immersive Experience Due To Its Smooth Jazz Soundtrack +Libertarian Candidate Worried After Latest Poll Shows Him 98 Points Behind +Americans Demand Their Voices Be Heard And Also Some Kind Of Dessert You Get After Breakfast +Trump Boys Proud After Mailing In Hand-Drawn Republican Ballots To North Pole +Man Wishes There Were Some Kind Of Pre-Midterm Race Where Voters Could Select Better Candidates +Humanity Has Wiped Out 60% Of World's Animals Since 1970 +‘Gladiator’ Sequel In The Works +Nation Begs For Midterms To Be Pushed Back To Delay Start Of 2020 Presidential Campaigns +United States Sends Laos Bill For 80 Million Undetonated Bombs Still Left In Country From Vietnam War +There No Way TV Character Could Actually Afford Big ‘New York City’ Coffee Mug +Report: More Women Choosing To Freeze Their Eggs Until Age When Sudden, Unexplained Mass Infertility Places Society On Verge Of Collapse +Democrats Express Certainty They Will Retake The House +Conservative Floridian Enjoys Living Under Sharia Law More Than He Thought He Would +High School History Textbook Concludes With Little Blurb About Last 40 Years +Ben And Jerry’s Releases Donald Trump Resistance-Inspired Flavor +‘Once They Put Me On Cheeses, I Will Finally Be Happy,’ Says Costco Employee Handing Out Free Vienna Sausage Samples +New Study Finds Reading Comprehension Down Amongst Dumb Fucks Perusing This Headline +New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knife +Wealthy Americans Assure Populace That Heavily Armed Floating City Being Built Above Nation Has Nothing To Do With Anything +White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trump +Midterms 2018: Key Senate Races To Watch +Doctor Advises Man With Healthy Blood Pressure To Really Fucking Let It Rip +Angela Merkel To Step Down In 2021 +Child Venture Capitalist Invests $2.50 In Friend’s Slug-Eating Enterprise +Brian Kemp Campaign Energized After Seeing Early Voter Suppression Numbers +FiveThirtyEight Staff Finds Hundreds Of Nate Silvers Representing Every Voting Demographic In America After Disastrous Aggregator Explosion +HR Director Doesn’t Know What It Is About Her That Makes People Want To Unload All Their Problems +Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Class +Jesus Announces Plans To Return Once The Dow Clears 27,000 +Original Voice Of NBA Buzzer Passes Away +Boston Gangster Whitey Bulger Killed In West Virginia Prison +Kotex Introduces New Confetti Popper Tampons For Ringing In The New Year +Joe Buck Tears Rotator Cuff After Awkward Throw Down To Sideline +NFL Defends Right To Subject Eric Reid To Random Stop-And-Frisks +Charity Notes Even One Dollar Can Help A Needy Child But You’d Have To Be A Dick To Give That Little +Apple Will Build $1 Billion Campus In Austin, Adding 5,000 Jobs +Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb +Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think +Pros And Cons Of Making New Year’s Resolutions +Exhausted Robert Mueller Turns Off Phone To Give Himself Breather From Russia Probe News Over Holiday Break +Man Watches Helplessly As White Elephant Exchange Completely Devolves Into Friends Just Chatting And Having Nice Time +Bose Releases New Headphones Specifically Optimized For Listening To Whitney Houston’s ‘How Will I Know?’ +Poll: Most Americans Oppose Increased Political Correctness +Radiohead, Janet Jackson Inducted Into Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame +Mental Health Experts Say Friends Giving Away Possessions Could Be Warning Sign They Planning On Moving +Emotional El Chapo Reunited With Family Following Passage Of Criminal Justice Reform Bill +Federal Reserve Cites Healthy Economy In Decision To Have Baby +Man Methodically Explains Origin Behind Every Poster Hanging In Apartment +Relationship Experts Say Healthy Couples Should Be Renewing Their Vows 3 Times A Week +Ho, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities! +Voyeur Researchers Recommend At Least 7 Hours Of Watching Someone Sleep Per Night +Gun Deaths In U.S. At 40-Year High +Winner Of ‘The Voice’ Excited To Use $50 Chili’s Gift Card +Merriam-Webster Names ‘Justice’ Word Of The Year +Man Spends Long Day At Work Waiting To Go Home And Be Lonely +Raiders Announce Plan To Play 2019 Home Games In Jon Gruden’s Backyard +Firefighter Excitedly Checks Drop-Off Bin To See If They Got Any Babies While They Were Out +The Trump Presidency In 2018 +Ecstatic Pope Francis Finally Lands Role As Mary In St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant +Sea Of Hair Engulfs Nation After Bosley Physicians Lose Control Of Restoration +Kotex Tampons Recalled After Reports Of Pieces Left In Bodies +Chuck Schumer Insists Democrats Won’t Budge On Wall +Les Moonves Doesn’t Know How He Going To Tell Wife He Didn’t Get $120 Million Bonus +Radio Station Playing Controversial ‘Little Drummer Boy’ On Repeat In Defiance Of Those Who Claim It Contains Sexually Predatory Themes +Entirety Of Browns Dawg Pound Euthanized Following Rabies Outbreak +Social Media Overtakes Newspapers As Source Of News +Man Finally Able To Forgive Self For Terrible Mistake He Made 2 Seconds Ago +KFC Blames Popeyes For Releasing Serial Rapist From Prison In New Attack Ad Campaign +Maria Butina Pleads Guilty To Russian Scheme To Influence Conservatives +Ryan Zinke Apologizes For Misuse Of Government Funds By Sending Ethics Committee $160,000 Vase +Trump Administration Launches Human Rights Investigation Into Senate’s Harsh Treatment Of Mohammad Bin Salman +Everything Reminds Man Of ‘Her’ +‘Sesame Street’ Includes First Muppet To Experience Homelessness +Woman Who Hasn’t Bought Anything Recently Wondering Why She Suddenly Happy +Charlottesville Jury Recommends 419 Years Plus Life For Neo-Nazi Who Killed Protester +Report: Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’ +This Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House Down +Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks +Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History +Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands +Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood +Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison +CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ +Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat +Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids +New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II +Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad +Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life +U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December +Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life +Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal +Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier +Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign +Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi +Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside +Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples +Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor +Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl +Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination +Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish +Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal +U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years +Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built +Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country +Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays +Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop +Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes +Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario +Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments +John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff +Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea +MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night +White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff +John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship +Report: Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time +Bob Iger: At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies +‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written +5G Phones Coming +Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France +Zoologists Discover New Fastest Land Animal After Pumping White-Tailed Deer Full Of Steroids +NRCC Emails Stolen During Major 2018 Election Hack +Fox News Intern Fetching Coffee Tells Herself This Will All Pay Off When She Trump’s Secretary Of State One Day +Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like +Review: ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Sunk By Unforgivable Inclusion Of Kirby, One Of The Most Offensive Harmful Stereotypes To Ever Appear In Popular Entertainment +This Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father +Man Worried The 6th ‘Transformers’ Movie Will Just Be Stupid +I May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A Gun +L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars +Top Agenda Items In Upcoming Democratic-Majority House +Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content +David Attenborough Says Collapse Of Civilization On Horizon +Defeated Republicans In Wisconsin, Michigan Move To Neutralize Democrats +Revlon Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup +Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License +‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave +Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy +Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run +Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups +Herpetologists Discover Species Of Frogs That Evolved To Spontaneously Grow Top Hat And Cane +IBM Closes Jew-Tracking Division After Decades Of Declining Revenue +Wells Fargo Computer Glitch Accidentally Forecloses On All 5,700 Branches +Mueller Expected To Reveal Details About 3 Major Players In Russia Investigation +Nervous Maid Of Honor Just Stringing Together Random Maya Angelou Quotes +Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter +Raytheon Employee Going To Be Pissed If Bonus Just Missile Again +The Computer Mouse Turns 50 +Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power +International Climate Conference Kicks Off In Poland +Gina Haspel Briefs Senators On Saudis’ ‘Shockingly Uninspired’ Khashoggi Interrogation +Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller +Pervert On Subway Won’t Stop Staring At Masturbator +Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting +Scientists Say Pluto Definitely A Planet +GOP-Controlled Wisconsin Legislature Votes To Dissolve State Rather Than Let Democrats Have It +Guest Roster Assembled For Surprise Birthday Reveals Minimal Understanding Of Girlfriend’s Social Circle +Researchers Publish List Of Ways Animals Can Help Fight Climate Change +Warby Parker Apologizes For Years Of Testing Glasses On Animals +Fed Proposes Forcing Drugmakers To List Drug Prices In Ads +China, U.S. Agree To Temporary Halt To Trade War +Divorced Parents A Little Hurt Child’s Christmas List Doesn’t Include Heartbreaking Wish For Them To Get Back Together +Chemistry Teacher Encouraging Students To Fuck Around With Bunsen Burners In Last-Ditch Effort To Prove Science Is Cool +George H.W. Bush’s Casket Completes Log Flume Journey To U.S. Capitol +Violence Erupts Across France As Citizens Protest High Cost Of Refilling Crème Brûlée Torches +Man Parallel Parking Tries To Leave Enough Room Between Cars To Infuriate Other Drivers Into Just Giving Up +Experts Recommend Just Putting Up With Everyone Else +Christ Super Embarrassed About All That Stupid Shit He Said 2,000 Years Ago +Wistful Woman Wonders If This Could Be The One She’ll Sleep With For Few Weeks Before Losing Interest +Boy Scouts Reverse Stance On Transgender Members +FBI Shuts Down Prominent New ISIS Recruitment Website +Trump Supporter Has Few Backup Scapegoats Ready To Go In Case Crackdown On Immigrants Doesn’t Fix Everything +Study: Girls Internalize Gender Stereotypes By Age 6 +Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice +Serena Williams Breaks Grand Slam Record +Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy +‘Nothing Would Surprise Me At This Point,’ Says Man Who Will Be Shocked By 8 Separate News Items Today +The Pros And Cons Of A Two-Party System +‘Is It Too Late To Audition?’ Asks Perfect Actor For Role, Poking Head Into Room Just As Producers Were Giving Up Hope +Finland Aims To Be Tobacco-Free By 2020 +How Trump Plans To Improve America’s Cybersecurity +Getting To Know The Trump Family +Mexican President Cancels Meeting With Trump +Federal Court Ruling Requires Private Businesses To Install Handicapped-Accessible Wheelchair Jumps +White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again +Home Repair Tips +2-Year-Old Unaware He’s Basis For 6 Couples’ Decisions Not To Have Kids +Man Spends Whole Day Dreading Fun Activity He Signed Up For +Lab Mouse Nervous For First Day Of New Job Getting Cancer +Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Reassurances That It Will Be Fun +North Korean Defector Says Kim Jong-Un Won’t Last +Mary Tyler Moore Dies +Trump Claims Waterboarding Doesn’t Come Close To The Excruciating Torment He Experiences At Every Moment +Man From Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin Hates When People From Eagle Point Claim To Be From Chippewa Falls +Collection Agency Holding Nation As Collateral Until Trump Pays Off Business Debts +NFL Adds Passing Concussion Protocol To Pro Bowl Skills Competition +Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet +Pediatricians Discourage Wearable ‘Smart’ Baby Monitors +‘1984’ Tops Amazon Bestseller List +Roger Goodell Announces New Contest Offering NFL Fans Chance To Present Lombardi Trophy To Super Bowl–Winning Team +Lindsey Graham Cowers Behind Tree Trunk As Trump’s Hunting Dogs Close In +Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy +You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President +How Will Immigration Change Under Trump? +Madonna Clarifies Statements Made At Women’s March +New ‘Star Wars’ Title Announced +Study Finds Health Benefits Associated With Seriously Considering Going Vegetarian For A While Now +How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’ +Trump Deploys National Guard To Press Conference For Standing Ovation +No CGI Carrie Fisher To Appear In New ‘Star Wars’ +Spider Sitting On Shower Wall Can’t Wait To See Look On Man’s Face +Women’s Marches See 2.9 Million Participants +Temp Excited To Begin First Day As Secretary Of Agriculture +What Qualities Is Trump Looking For In A Supreme Court Nominee? +NFL Geneticists Working On Developing Ligament-Free Player +Obama Fills Out Lukewarm Glassdoor Review After Exiting Presidency +Compassionate Fisherman Doesn’t Have Heart To Throw Trout Back Into Incredibly Polluted Lake +Tips For Making The Perfect Bloody Mary +‘El Chapo’ Extradited To U.S. +You Would Do The Same Thing If An Old Witch Had Your Father’s Soul Trapped In A Lantern +Keys To The Matchup: Steelers vs. Patriots +Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons +Melania Trump’s Goals As First Lady +Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March +Steelers Players Make Surprise Hospital Visits To Spend Time With Opponents They’ve Injured +Obama Commutes 330 Sentences On Last Day In Office +President Donald Trump: The First 100 Days +Watching Thousands March In His Honor Unlocks Deeper, Darker Corner Of Trump’s Psyche +Obama Leaves Post-It On Counter With Quick Note Explaining How To Use Extralegal Surveillance Apparatus +Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency +Black Man Out Of Work +Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House +‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address +Justice Roberts Stops In Middle Of Oath Of Office To Remind Audience This Just His Job +Trump Calms Nerves Before Inaugural Address By Reminding Himself He’s The Only Person Who Actually Exists +Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now +Biden Frantically Cleaning Up Trashed Vice President Residence At Last Second +McDonald’s Unveils New Big Mac Sizes +Primates Facing Extinction Crisis +The Pros And Cons Of Early Retirement +Tearful Biden Carefully Takes Down Blacklight Poster Of Topless Barbarian Chick From Office Wall +Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former Mentor +The Future—And I’m Talking, Like, 35,000 Years In The Future—Is Still Bright +Paris Seeks Eiffel Tower Renovations +ACA Enrollment Highest In States That Voted Trump +Biden Searching White House One Last Time For Missing Pet Snake +Whale Regrets Eating 290,000 Plastic Poker Chips That Fell Off Container Ship +Obama Hoping He Doesn’t Run Into U.S. Populace After Presidency +Asshole Moves To Part Of City Where All The Assholes Live +8 Men Own As Much Wealth As Half The World +Springsteen Tribute Band Drops Out Of Inauguration +Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application +Republicans Vow Not To Repeal Obamacare Without Detailed Plan For Disposing Of Patients’ Disease-Ridden Corpses +How D.C. Is Preparing For Inauguration Day +Struggling Media Company Almost Desperate Enough To Hire Someone Qualified For Job +Ringling Bros. Close After 146 Years +Trump Honors Sacrifices Civil Rights Activists Will Have To Make Under His Presidency +New Urine Test Can Determine Diet +32-Year-Old Still Not Entirely Sure Where Body Stands With Lactose +Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference +Study: Lasers Turn Mice Into ‘Killing Machines’ +Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position +Majority Of Americans Lack $500 In Savings +Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel Tank +How To Combat Harassment Online +Transition Team Assures Public Trump Has Too Many Conflicts Of Interest To Favor Any Specific One +Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson +7-Year-Old Apparently Under Impression Everyone Knows Who The Fuck Aunt Dee-Dee Is +Scientists Pinpoint Age Of Moon +Chargers Announce Move To L.A. +A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press +Trump Unveils Exclusive Double Platinum–Level Press Room For Only Select Few Journalists +Patriots Not Allowing Football Game Against Texans To Become Distraction +Man Excited To Spend Weekend Back Home Catching Up With Old Video Games From High School +Fox News Settles Harassment Suit Against Bill O’Reilly +Mike Pence Vows To Cut Conservation Funding After Discovering Elk Don’t Mate For Life +World Wildlife Fund Urges Americans To Just Grab Whatever Animal They See And Try To Keep It Alive +Starbucks Ending Alcohol Service +Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym +How To Invent A Popular Product +The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income +What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump? +How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare +Trump Team Fires Inauguration Announcer +Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech +SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge +Treat Yourself Right +How Confirmation Hearings Work +Mom In Nightgown Mode +David Blaine Accidentally Shoots Self During Trick +More Women Received Mammograms Under ACA +Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control +GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed +College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit +Source Of Mysterious Space Radio Signals Found +How To Interact With Adult Children As A Parent +Man Bragging About How Infrequently He Receives Dental Care +Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions +What Obama Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House +Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At +Macy’s Announces Store Closures, Layoffs +Dementia Risk Higher Near Busy Roads +Report: No One Currently Thinking About You +ISIS Recruiter Excited To Be Talking To Popular High Schooler For Once +Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017 +Hillary, Bill Clinton To Attend Inauguration +Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing +Man Not Accepting Any More Television Recommendations At This Time +Megyn Kelly Moves To NBC +Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison +Finland To Pay Citizens Basic Income +GOP Vote To Gut Ethics Panel Quickly Rescinded +Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea +Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing +What To Know About Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Estate +Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game +New Law Gives French Workers ‘Right To Disconnect’ +What You Need To Know About U.S.–Russia Tensions +Trump To Use Twitter For Major Policy Announcements +Climate Experts Say Only Hope For Saving Planet Lies With People Who Save Napkins From Takeout Order +God Announces Plans To Shift Majority Of Resources Tied Up In Humanity Project To Birds, Rocks +U.S. Life Expectancy Falls For First Time In 23 Years +Ruby Tuesday Waiter Warns Jill Stein Her Green Party Response To Trump Speech Disrupting Other Diners +Pence Passing Time During Trump’s Speech By Mentally Baptizing Senators +Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests +Acoustic-Guitar-Wielding Trump Tells Congress ‘This Here’s The Story Of America’ +Jake Hyland Of Kansas City, MO Chosen As Nation’s Designated Survivor In Case Rest Of Country Wiped Out During Presidential Address +Chicago Sets Warm Winter Record +Kid Coming From P.E. Spends Entire Math Class Absolutely Drenched In Sweat +Trump To Skip Correspondents’ Dinner +‘Moonlight’ Named Best Picture After Mishap +How To Protect Yourself Against Hackers +What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle +Blake Griffin Claims Basketball Seems Much Rounder Lately +‘I’d Like The Crispy Chicken Sandwich’ First Truthful Thing Man Has Said In Weeks +Freelancer Loves Being Able To Barely Scrape By Livelihood On Own Schedule +Sweden Seeking ‘Sex Break’ During Workday +God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice +Large Mirror Brought Out Onto Oscars Stage Gets Resounding 6-Minute Standing Ovation +Dolby Theatre Usher Throws Out Matt Damon For Attempting To Film Oscars With Camcorder +Amazing Affleck Brothers Dazzle Oscars Audience With High-Flying Trapeze Routine +Oscars Officials Warn Only Famous Actors Permitted To Get Political In Acceptance Speech +Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe +‘The Onion’ Formally Invites All Oscars Attendees To Our Official After-Party In The Village Of Sakteng, Bhutan +‘Wall Street Journal’ Reintroduces Nudes After Failed Yearlong Experiment +Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning +Child Protective Services Take 80 Million Children Into Custody After Discovering No One In Country Fit To Be Parent +Kremlin Agent Not Even Going To Bother Trying To Compromise Trump Staffer Who Will Be Forced To Resign In Few Months +The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks +Jerry Jones Unveils Plans For Extravagant 100,000-Seat Cowboys Owner’s Box +Harvard Names Rihanna Humanitarian Of The Year +Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of Ex–Goldman Sachs Executives At White House +Trump Rolls Back Transgender Protections +Key Halftime Adjustments Propel Fourth-Grade Rec Basketball Team To 8-Point Third Quarter +Nation’s Schools To Ensure Bullied Transgender Students Hide In Stalls Of Bathrooms Corresponding To Biological Sex +Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration +Report: Still A Few Seconds Left Where Plane Low Enough To Crash With Everyone Surviving +2016 Sees Record Number Of Female-Led Films +Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job +Monopoly To Replace Thimble Piece +Expert On International Jewish Conspiracy Has Never Been More Than 40 Miles Outside Council Bluffs, Iowa +Daily Meditation Really Helping Man Stay Self-Centered +‘What If We Try This?’ Asks Robotics Grad Student About To Eliminate 30% Of Workforce +A Timeline Of The EPA +Goose Suddenly Realizes It Doesn’t Have To Honk Like An Idiot Entire Time It’s Flapping Wings +Police Finally Make Breakthrough In Decades-Old Marijuana Possession Cold Case +Legalizing Gay Marriage Lowers Teen Suicide +30-Million-Year-Old Species Worried It Doesn’t Have Another Evolution In It +Milo Yiannopoulos’ Book Canceled +8-Year-Old Can Already Tell Image Of Dad Puking Stuck In Memory Forever +NBA Fan Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Zaza Pachulia In A Warriors Uniform +Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday +The Safest Place To Be During A Tornado Is In My Arms +FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration +Man Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To +Warm, Syrupy Pleasure Coursing Through Man’s Veins After Big Hit Of Mattress +Expiration Labels Get An Update +Last Remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Really Squandering Species’ Final Weeks +A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life +The American Presidency +American Girl Introduces Male Doll +Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia +A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents +Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity +Pickup Football Pioneer Credited With Idea For ‘5 Mississippi’ Blitz Count Dead At 94 +Humiliated Man Discovers Embroidery On His Jean Pockets +Open-Minded Man Tries To Get News From Variety Of Facebook Friends +‘Love Actually’ Sequel In The Works +Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy +Scientists Propose Rebuilding Arctic Ice +Gary Bettman Issues Pardon For Steve Yzerman’s 1997 Slashing Penalty +Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table +26-Year-Old Feeling Self-Conscious After Seeing All His Friends Fail Slightly Less Than Him +Scientists Approve Gene Editing In Embryos +Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop +Everyday Internet Safety Tips +German Shepherd Wins Best In Show At Westminster +Surgically Altered Obama Doubles Struggling To Find Work After Presidency +What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia +Report: Majority Of Diner’s Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists +Michael Flynn Resigns +Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles +A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History +America Celebrates Valentine’s Day +Mental Illness Determined Not To Let Stigma Of Area Man Define It +Scientists Developing Pollinating ‘Bee Drones’ +Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent +Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word +Vacationing Uncle Posts Terse, Emotionless Facebook Update From Cruise Ship +Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober +Vizio Charged With Tracking TV Viewers +George And Amal Clooney Expecting Twins +Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest +Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt +Heavy Lifting Could Affect Fertility +Twitter Earnings Continue To Fall +Journalist Wondering Where To Mention Getting Yelled At By U.S. President In Article +How To Start A Community Garden +Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica +Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction +25% Of U.S. Adults Suffer Hearing Loss +Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s +Betsy DeVos Confirmed As Education Secretary +Report: Women Only Made Up 2.7% Of Video Game Bosses Last Year +Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For +Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche +If I Could Do It All Over Again, I’d Probably Have A Few Possessions +Uber Developing Flying Cars +Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Approve Of Child Labor Laws But Agree That Kids Carrying Briefcases Would Be Cute +How DeVos Plans To Change The Department Of Education +Sanders, Cruz To Debate Obamacare +Tips For Writing A Research Paper +Biologists Confirm Foxes Sneakiest Little Fuckers In Animal Kingdom +Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie +Conscience Quietly Let Go As Paul Ryan Policy Advisor +‘March For Science’ Planned For Earth Day +Super Bowl LI: Looking Back At The Greatest First Half In Falcons History +Patriots Win Super Bowl +Employee Totally Crushes Presentation Of Idea That Will Soon Bankrupt Company +Fans Gather At Airport To Greet Carry Crates Containing Puppy Bowl Winners +Study: Majority Of Humans Happiest When Rest Of Family Still Asleep +Hillary Clinton Signs 2 Book Deals +Mike Pence Disappointed God Has Never Asked Him To Kill One Of Own Children +Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady +Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots +Lady Gaga Panics After Hearing Name Called For Halftime Show While Waiting In Line For Bathroom +Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl Party +Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows +Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem +What’s Next For Hillary Clinton? +Nordstrom Drops Ivanka Trump Brand +NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’ +Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him +D.C. Authorities Struggling To Keep Squatters Out Of Empty State Department +Roger Goodell Lays Wreath At National Football League Cemetery In Super Bowl Tradition +Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away +Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell +$500 Million Upgrade Planned For Willis Tower +​Beyonce Pregnant With Twins +Report: That Was Very Stupid Thing To Say +Prison Now Allowing Death Row Inmates To Receive Weekly Visitors Throughout Executions +Vulture Feeling Nauseous After Eating Bad Rotting Deer Carcass +Nation’s Stomach Ulcers Predict Trump Administration Will Provide Opportunities For Unlimited Growth In 2017 +NFL Announces Super Bowl Tickets Only Available For Purchase One Hour Before Kickoff At Stadium Box Office +‘White Privilege’ Essay Contest Sparks Backlash +Chemicals Found In Fast Food Packaging +Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble +World Agrees To Just Take Down Internet For A While Until They Can Find A Good Use For It +Burmese Python Shocked At Amount Of Stress Man Holding In His Neck +Bobcat Escapes National Zoo +Manatees Removed From Endangered Species List +Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This +WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In Paris +Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server +Goody Introduces New Line Of Governess Hairbrushes For Raking Across The Scalps Of Insolent Little Girls +Hardee’s, Carl’s Jr. End ‘Sexy’ Ads +Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier +Marathon Running Could Cause Kidney Injury +Queen Elizabeth Frantically Trying To Preserve European Alliances By Arranging Great-Grandchildren’s Marriages +A Primer On The Dark Web +Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives +Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track +Flu Can’t Wait To Get The Fuck Out Of Area Man’s Body +Man Suddenly Realizes He Was Duped By Commercial’s Romanticized Vision Of Canned Beans +Children Suffering Burns From Homemade ‘Slime’ +Man Has Been Meaning To Catch Up On Whole Of Human Artistic Endeavor +Activists Charged For Undercover Planned Parenthood Recordings +Parents Assure Scared Child There’s No Such Thing As Skip Bayless +Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin +34-Year-Old Woman Anxiously Realizes She Doesn’t Have Much Time Left To Have Career +Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago +Study: Breastfeeding Doesn’t Make Babies Smarter +NRA Recommends Preventing Firearm Deaths By Securing Children In Locked Safe +World’s Largest Dinosaur Print Found In Australia +NHL Commemorates 25th Anniversary Of First Ice Game +Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List +‘Bathroom Bill’ Will Cost North Carolina $3.7 Billion +Report: Economy Must Be Doing Pretty Well If Entire Season Of ‘Bones’ Online For Free +Girls Banned From Flight For Wearing Leggings +Study Finds Suspicious Circumstances Still Leading Cause Of Death In Russia +GOP Makes Good On 2009 Promise To Block President’s Healthcare Bill +Parrots Support Theory That Laughter Is Contagious +Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet +CEO Unveils Bold New Plan To Undo Damage From Last Year’s Bold New Plan +Mar-A-Lago Assistant Manager Wondering If Anyone Coming To Collect Nuclear Briefcase From Lost And Found +12-Year-Old Who Got Her Hair Curled For Spring Dance The Very Image Of Old Hollywood Glamour +Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards +Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years +Fashion Week Diversity Improving +DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies +Audubon Society Revokes Black-Capped Chickadee’s Membership After Species Fails To Pay Dues +Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong-Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution +Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain +Islam: Myth Vs. Fact +‘Capital One Is A Terrible Bank,’ Says Charles Barkley In New Capital One Commercial +‘Yes, But How Did He Die?’ Ghoulish American Public Asks Of Recent Celebrity Death While Rubbing Delicate, Bony Hands Together And Smiling Thinly +Yellowstone Places Old Faithful On 6-Month Loan To Acadia National Park +Sesame Street Introduces Autistic Character +Report: Anxiety Disorders Induced By Trump Presidency Not Covered Under GOP Health Bill +Man Sets Unsustainable Precedent Of Saying Hello To Coworker Every Morning +Study Finds Average American Hopes No One Saw That 12 Times Per Day +Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime +Players To Watch In The Sweet 16 +Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy +Honey Nut Cheerios Pulls Bee Mascot +How To Find The Right Therapist +Woman Devises Latest Delusional Scheme For Burning Extra Calories During Workday +Study Finds 73% Of Marble Statuettes Of Achilles Used To Beat To Death Wealthy Dowager +Trump Expecting Ninth Grandchild +FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations +Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now +New Evidence Reveals Christ Lounged In Tomb For Extra Hour Before Finally Rising From Grave +Norway Ranked Happiest Nation On Earth +Oxford Comma Wins Court Case For Workers +‘Could’ve Been Me,’ Grumbles Merrick Garland Watching Gorsuch Hearings At Bar With Fellow Highway Maintenance Workers +Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull +Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him +God Seeking To Crack Down On Souls Smuggling Drugs Into Heaven +Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It +Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000 +Jim Nantz Wonders Aloud What Holding Basketball Like +NCAA Tournament Really Disrupting Man’s Ability To Get Any Fucking Around Done +Study: Climate Shaped Human Noses +Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle +Grayson Allen Recalls Struggle Growing Up Without Any Principles +Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison +Oceans Must Be Cooled To Protect Coral Reef +Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich +Ivana Trump To Publish Memoir +‘Curses!’ Shouts Fist-Shaking Meals On Wheels Ringleader As Trump Cuts Off Gravy Train +Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know +Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Giant Three-Way Plug’ +Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule +‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date +E-Book Sales Fall In Favor Of Print +‘Matrix’ Reboot In The Works +Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement +Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually +Newly Discovered Journal Entries Reveal Sacagawea’s Repeated Attempts To Ditch Lewis And Clark +Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years +Infant Injuries On The Rise +24 Million Would Lose Coverage Under GOP Health Plan +The Pros And Cons Of Quitting Social Media +Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing +Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week +Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness +Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets +Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch +Oil Discovered In Alaska +Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source +GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill +Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious +High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media +Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years +Henry VIII’s Castle For Sale +Tax Increase Could Save U.S. Infrastructure +How To Keep Your Personal Information Secure +Tips For Handling Office Conflict +High School Athlete On Crutches Walking Around Like Fallen Hero +Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself +Man Still Worried Parents Of Ex-Girlfriend From 7 Years Ago Hate Him +Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course +Queen Elizabeth Rushed To Hospital For Royal Blood Transfusion +Mother Of MMA Fighter Recalls Son Punching, Kicking Shit Out Of Everything From Early Age +Secret Facebook Group Posts Nude Photos Of Female Marines +St. Patrick’s Day Parade Excludes LGBT Veterans +Samsung Smart TV Owner Learning About Majority Of Features From Leaked CIA Documents +Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You’re Single +Americans Having Less Sex Than In Previous Decades +‘Day Without A Woman’ Sees Thousands Leave Work +‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie +Women’s Strike A Sobering Reality Check For Subway Masturbator +Man’s Genetic Predisposition For Heart Disease No Match For 10 Half-Assed Push-Ups He Does Couple Times A Week +Pope Francis Spotted Sunbathing Nude In St. Peter’s Square +Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun +Scientists Announce Shrimp Just As Dumb As They Thought +Man Forced To Reverse-Engineer Point In Midst Of Meandering, Absentminded Rant +Odds Of 2016 Audit Hit 13-Year Low +Supreme Court: Juries Can Be Examined For Racism +Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location +Obamacare Vs. The GOP’s New Health Plan +Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting +Trump Accuses Obama Of Wiretapping Him +Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband +NFL Scouting Combine To Phase Out Subjecting Draft Prospects To Vivisection +Social Media Linked To Increased Loneliness +Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack +Study Finds Exposure To Violent Children Causes Increased Aggression In Video Game Characters +Publicist Confirms Komodo Dragon From ‘Skyfall’ Pregnant +God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs +Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break +Backstreet Boys Reunite For Las Vegas Residency +Adam Schefter Gives Sweets To Street Urchins Returning From NFL Front Offices With Whispers Of Free Agency Rumors +Biggest Challenges Of Working In An Office +Completely Sober Employee Still Embarrassing Self At Company Party +Woman Who’s Been On The Pill For Years Thinking About Switching To New Set Of Debilitating Side Effects +Disciplinarian Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could +87% Of Loud Crashing Noises Are Nothing, Report Top Experts From Other Room +Study: Wild Elephants Only Sleep 2 Hours Per Night +Colon Cancer On The Rise In Millennials +New NHL Promotion Allows Fans To Watch Game While Frozen Underneath Ice +Russian Officials Scrambling As Plan To Delegitimize Western Democracy Moving Way Faster Than Intended +Jeff Sessions Spits In Face Of FBI Interrogator Trying To Get Him To Turn On Trump +Heartbroken Russian Ambassador Thought Special Meetings With Jeff Sessions Were Very Memorable +Most Popular Young Adult Fiction Books +Area Man Accepts Burden Of Being Only Person On Earth Who Understands How World Actually Works +DNA Test Confirms Subway Chicken Only 50% Poultry +Ken Burns Not Sure How To Turn Down Ray Romano’s Repeated Offers To Narrate Next Documentary +Barack, Michelle Obama Get Book Deals +Woman Getting Stood Up On First Date Got All Drunk For Nothing +Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car +Bed Bugs Potentially Fatal +Buick Regal Named Best Vehicle In Class For Idling Outside Off-Track Betting Parlor +Man Trying To Leave Hateful Message At Local Synagogue Frustrated Phone Line Always Tied Up With Other Threats +Scientists Constructing Bricks From Simulated Martian Soil +Retired Ice Rink Manager Recalls Days Of Horse-Led Zambonis +Fetal Lambs Kept Alive Inside Artificial Uterus +Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End +Super 8 Offering Writers Residency For Anyone Working On Suicide Note +Chobani Sues Alex Jones For Defamation +Mark Zuckerberg Touts Complete Lack Of Cannibalism On Facebook Live So Far +Ecuadorian Officials Starting To Get Sick Of Julian Assange Always Leaving Dirty Dishes All Over Embassy +Justin Trudeau Unveils Plan To Meet Healthcare Needs Of Canada’s Aging Prog Rockers +Notable Commencement Speakers For The Class Of 2017 +Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust +Plastic-Eating Caterpillar Discovered +Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag +Department Of Interior Asks For Resignation Of Obama-Era Elk +Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean +How Technology Will Change Travel +Raiders Agree To Pay Fan Base $16 Billion In Relocation Expenses +Hospital Denies Teen’s Transplant Due To Marijuana Use +Gap Debuts New Line Of Children’s Sweaters To Clutch To Chest When Son Goes Missing +Gorsuch Nervous About Showering In Front Of Other Supreme Court Justices +Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges +Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value +Astronaut Sets NASA Record For Most Days In Space +Opioid Deaths Could Be Underestimated +Mel Kiper Shrugs Off Amorous Feelings Toward Big Board While Working Late One Night +University Of Nevada Renames Vito Corleone School Of Business Following Latest Accusations Against Benefactor +Sometimes It Feels Like I’m In Prison Too, But Then I Go Home +A Timeline Of U.S.–North Korean Relations +Hash Browns Recalled For ‘Extraneous Golf Ball Materials’ +Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub +McDonald’s To Introduce Mobile Ordering +Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown +God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core +Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish +Diet Soda Linked To Stroke, Dementia Risks +Cameron Diaz Finally Opens Up About Generally Positive Experience In Show Business +Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately +Umbilical Cord Could Repair Memory +A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation +Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night +U.S. Funneling Arms To Dissident Angel Group In Effort To Topple God +Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter +Study: Psychedelics Lead To ‘Higher State Of Consciousness’ +Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath +Serena Williams Pregnant +Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk +Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother +Berkeley Campus On Lockdown After Loose Pages From ‘Wall Street Journal’ Found On Park Bench +Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt +Report: Store Out Of Good Kind +New Report Finds U.S. Employees Most Engaged At Workplace While Working As Frontman Of Styx +Kevin Spacey To Host Tony Awards +Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections +Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name +Starbucks Debuts ‘Unicorn Frappuccino’ +Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York +FEMA Recommends Americans Always Have Go-Bag Packed In Case Past Finally Catches Up With Them +Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo +Vegetarian Begins Sad, Private Routine Of Scanning Menu For Little Green V’s +Uber Pressured To Allow Tipping +Dad Emotional After Son Beats Him For First Time In Game Of ‘NBA 2K17’ +U.K. Seeks Early Election Before Brexit +Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns +Pastor Talking To Non-Christian Who Just Lost Wife Can Smell Blood +IRS Announces Refunds Will Come In Form Of Forever Stamps This Year +NASA Designs Suit Capable Of Protecting Humans Hoping To One Day Live On Earth +Giraffe Gives Birth Before Live Audience +Trump Administration Refusing To Disclose Names Of White House Diamond Elite Members +North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist +Report: Nothing Wrong With A Good Old-Fashioned Ham And Cheese Sandwich +Immigrant Arrests Increase Under Trump +CERN Researchers Apologize For Destruction Of 5 Parallel Universes In Recent Experiment +Friends, Family Waiting For Current Bout Of Man’s Depression To Subside Before Really Laying Into Him +New Device Turns Air Into Water +Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass +Study: Touchscreens Cause Babies To Lose Sleep +E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only +Most Commonly Banned Books +Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them +Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work +Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low +Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached +Trans Fat Ban Saving Lives +Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour +Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters +‘Charging Bull’ Artist Objects To Placement Of ‘Fearless Girl’ +Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep Fondly Recall Getting Start As Part Of 1993 Mouseketeer Class +‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic +Study Finds Chimpanzees Only Other Animal Capable Of Keeping Lid On Friend’s Affair +Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life +Brain Scan Could Reveal Content Of Dreams +Malala Named Youngest UN Messenger Of Peace +New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time +Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements +Man Knows He Must Ride Unexpected Urge To Clean As Far As It Will Take Him +Documentary About Plymouth Rock Throws In Some World War II To Keep People Interested +Biological Life Regrets Waiting 2.3 Billion Years To Try Sex +YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron +Gorsuch Sworn In As Supreme Court Justice +United Drags Doctor Off Flight +Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift +Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement +I Wouldn’t Have Invented The Piano If I Knew That Guy In ‘The Godfather’ Was Going To Get Strangled With Piano Wire +Tips For Writing A Screenplay +New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer +Text History With Mom A Succinct Chronology Of Relatives’ Hospital Visits +Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel +Payless Files For Bankruptcy +Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is +Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats +Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims +Assad Vows Swift Retaliation On Syrian Civilians In Response To U.S. Missile Strike +Writers Guild Of America Prepares To Strike +Trump Confident U.S. Military Strike On Syria Wiped Out Russian Scandal +Child’s Favorite Restaurant Also Dad’s Favorite Bar +Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford +Barry Manilow Comes Out As Gay +Steve Bannon Removed From Security Council +Bashar Al-Assad Shares Laugh With Military Leaders Over Time He Once Wanted To Be A Doctor And Help People +Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service +Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been +Logitech Introduces High-Resistance Keyboard For Fitness-Minded Typists +New Zealand Post To Deliver KFC +NYC Losing Residents +Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor +Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants +Viewing Ads On Website Sole Way In Which Man Contributing To Economy +Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand +Judge: Plausible That Trump Incited Riots +NHL Will Forgo 2018 Winter Olympics +Climate Change: Myth Vs. Fact +Top Benefits Of Therapy +Pope Francis Concerned About Infection From Holy Spirit Bite +Kentucky Temporarily Barred From Closing Only Abortion Clinic +Woman Who Drinks 6 Cups Of Coffee Per Day Trying To Cut Down On Blue Light At Bedtime +God Struggling To Remember How To Make Geodes +Twitter Changes Egg Avatar To Remove Troll Connotations +‘Planet Earth II’ Finale Finally Resolves Will-They/Won’t-They Storyline Between Snow Leopard, Golden Eagle +New Report Finds Moving To Isolated Seaside Cottage Greatly Increases Productivity +‘It Was Fine,’ Says Man Following Visit With Only People On Earth Who Love Him +Facebook Launches Fundraising Feature +German Metal Festival Builds Own Beer Pipeline +Yellow Cross Receives Record 10,000 Liters Of Urine Donations +The Onion’s Sleepaway Camp Packing List +Sesame Street Mourns Death Of Original Letter K +National Trust For Historic Preservation Raises Millions To Demolish Trump’s Boyhood Home +Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside +Theater Holding Women-Only Screening Of ‘Wonder Woman’ +Dad Hands Phone Off To Mom Immediately After Being Wished Happy Father’s Day +‘Washington Post’ Reporter Frustrated Every Space In Parking Garage Taken Up By Anonymous Source +Cuban Immigrant Can’t Believe He Risked Life Coming To America To Play For AA Birmingham Barons +Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father +Disney’s ‘World Of Avatar’ Theme Park Opens +City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims +Period Of Time In Which Parents Proud Of How Much Child Can Eat Quickly Dwindling +‘Top Gun’ Sequel Announced +Gianforte Wins Special Election +Best Sports Stadiums +Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School +President Trump Has Enacted The ‘Theseus Protocol’: What Does That Mean For America? +Empty Wall Behind Couch Falls Into Girlfriend’s Crosshairs +MSNBC Most Popular Cable News Network +Dave & Buster’s Opens New Fine Dining, Gaming Outpost David & Benedict’s +‘The Onion’ Invites Republican Candidate Greg Gianforte To Physically Assault Our Entire Editorial Staff +Instagram Worst Social Network For Mental Health +Study Finds Not Acting Like Total Fucking Moron Most Attractive Quality In Potential Mate +Just Who Are The Trumps, Exactly? +‘Star Wars’ Turns 40 +Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom +Twitter Co-Founder Apologizes For Role In 2016 Election +FBI Investigating Fyre Festival +Carmelo Anthony Confident He Can Still Help Contender Flame Out In First Round +Most Notable Google Ventures +Every American Should Be Extremely Unsettled By The Initiatives Trump’s Cabinet Is Pursuing +Homesick Trump Stays Up All Night On Phone With Automated Mar-A-Lago Reservations Line +‘Resident Evil’ Set For Reboot +Ringling Bros. Circus Shuts Down +Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican +Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners +We’re Running Out Of Time If We Still Want To Kill And Eat Jane Goodall +God Wedges Another Cherub Beneath Leg To Level Wobbly Throne +Who Are The Deeply Disturbed Individuals In Trump’s Inner Circle? +Swedish Town Votes Against Paid Sex Leave +Basquiat Painting Sold For Record $110 Million +Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store +Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff +What Is Trump Hiding? +Dennis Quaid Playing George W. Bush In Katrina Drama +Executive Order Designating Grand Canyon As Morgue +The Lighthouse Question +White House Operations +White House Staffers +The Executive Branch +Environmental Protection Agency +Daily Schedules +White House Counsel +Children’s Letters To The President +Secret Recordings +Kellyanne Conway +Stephen Bannon +Sean Spicer +Jared Kushner +Stephen Miller +The Theseus Protocol +Reince Priebus +Central Intelligence Agency +Betsy DeVos +Dr. Ben Carson +Executive Orders +Presidential Briefings +The Trump Family +Donald Trump +Michael Pence +Trump Takes First Diplomatic Trip +Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases +Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife +DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators +Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record +Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says +Mice Give Birth Using 3D-Printed Ovaries +Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse +Chelsea Manning Released +Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List +Man Walks In On Roommate In Kitchen Having Way With His Leftovers +A Timeline Of Aviation History +Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings +Notable Athlete-Branded Products +Boss Thinks Female Employee Might Be Ready To Handle Job She’s Been Doing For Past 2 Years +Study: Healthy Foods Most Likely To Be Thrown Out +Katy Perry To Be ‘American Idol’ Judge +Kicking, Screaming Warren Buffett Dragged From Caesars Palace After Losing Everything At Roulette Wheel +Crowd Shocked After Unhinged Trump Dangles Baby From Truman Balcony +Nation Allows Itself 5 Minutes To Believe This All Going To Be Over Soon +CC Sabathia Chowing Down On Homemade Marinara Baseball Sub +Robotic Exoskeleton Prevents Elderly From Falling Down +Zac Efron To Play Ted Bundy In New Film +Slight Breeze A Major Factor In Wiffle Ball Game +Firebrand John McCain Demands Immediate Investigation Into Why He Remaining Complicit +The Onion’s 2017 Summer Movie Preview +Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’ +Oh, So I’m Distant And Emotionally Abusive For Several Years, And All Of A Sudden I’m Not Good Enough For You Anymore? +Tesla Debuts Solar Roofing Tiles +Hackers Launch Biggest Cyberattack Ever +FBI Declassifies J. Edgar Hoover’s Extensive File On The Munster Family +Crate & Barrel Introduces Line Of Disgusting Couches You Can Put On Your Porch +Glimpse Of Father’s Toenails Offers Boy Petrifying Vision Of Future +Historians Discover Thomas Jefferson May Have Secretly Fathered Multiple Other Countries +‘I’m Just Here To Win Football Games,’ Says 22-Year-Old Draft Pick Who Will Get Everyone Fired +Ibuprofen Linked To Increased Heart Attack Risk +Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden +Amazon Building Homeless Shelter Inside Seattle Headquarters +Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room +Woman Rearranging Condiments In Refrigerator Door Like Puzzle In Ancient Tomb +Bill Clinton Co-Authoring Novel With James Patterson +Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs +NBC Airing ‘Jesus Christ Superstar Live!’ +Lesser Known MLB Hall Of Fame Artifacts And Exhibits +Pressure Mounting For Humans To Step Down As Head Of Failing Global Ecosystem +Report: 15% Of Cars In Mall Parking Lots Occupied By Family Member Who Stormed Off After Fight +Area Mom Convinced 30-Year-Old Daughter Would Be Married By Now If She Just Brushed Her Hair More +Milestones In Artificial Intelligence +Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking +Low Doses Of THC Could Restore Brain Function In Older Mice +Trump Fires FBI Director Comey +Constitution Rapidly Ages Another 100 Years From Stress Of Repeated Crises +Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres As National Wildfire Refuge +Network Engineer Would Be Systems Manager If He Could Do It All Over Again +Trump Announces 40-Month-Long Search To Fill FBI Director Post +Authorities: Missing Plates And Glasses Found Filthy But Safe In Roommate’s Room +The Onion’s Mother’s Day Gift Guide +New App Adds Virtual Statues Of Iconic Women To Cities +Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band +Stephen Hawking: Humans Have 100 Years Left +MLB Recommends Teams Limit Amount Of Screen Time For Rookies +Job Placement Service Helps Students Who Fail Out Of Dad’s Alma Mater Find Work At Dad’s Company +Sustainable Tires Made From Tomato Peels, Eggshells +Macron Wins French Election +Sir, I’d Like To Ask For Your Daughter’s Hand Helping Me Move This Couch +Dad’s Previously Unheard-Of Friend Dies +MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots +Facebook Hires 3,000 Moderators To Screen Violent Videos +Australian Parliament Gathers To Discuss Dwindling Hemsworth Reserves +Researchers Using Frog Mucus To Fight Flu Virus +Greatest Thoroughbred Horses Of All Time +Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill +Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death +Skilled Sotheby’s Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million +Study: Humans Were In America 100,000 Years Earlier Than Previously Thought +New Affordable Daycare Sort Of Keeps An Eye On Your Kids +Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo +Red Sox Consider Banning Racist Fans +Nation’s Back Alleys Working To Expand Available Services In Anticipation Of Trumpcare Bill Becoming Law +Derek Jeter Fulfills Lifelong Dream Of Starting Business Venture With Jeb Bush +Scientists Claim Solar Energy Will Be Capable Of Powering 95% Of Scorchlands Outposts By 2085 +Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened +Tolstoy Adaptation Leads 2017 Tony Nominations +Zoo Posting Hourly Updates On Aphid About To Give Birth +Greyhound To Send Chimps On Pioneering Bus Trip From Buffalo To Atlantic City +Jeff Goldblum Tapped For ‘Jurassic World’ Sequel +Skip Bayless Signs 1-Day Contract To Be Fired By ESPN +Report: Uttering Phrase ‘Easy Does It’ Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture +Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work +Woman Still Holding Onto Hope That Toxic Friendship Could Blossom Into A Toxic Relationship +Humpback Whale Deaths Spike On East Coast +Top 10 Most Popular Podcasts +Fitbit Used As Evidence In Murder Trial +Yankees Running For Dear Life After Foul Ball Smashes Into Hornet’s Nest +Elon Musk Launches Underground Roadway Company +Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head +New Roommate Excited To Bring Robust Puttering Experience To Apartment +NASA Running Out Of Spacesuits +Subway Drops Jared Fogle As Spokesperson +Patriots Draft Pat Patriot’s Successor With Third-Round Pick Of Sophomore LSU Mascot +Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area +God Completely Fucked Up After Huffing Gaseous Planet +Amazon Camera Offers Personalized Fashion Advice +United Airlines Offering Immigrants Special Flights That Circle U.S. Awaiting Gaps In Travel Ban +Employees From Other Department Announce Plan To Ramble On About Fucking Nothing Right Next To Your Desk +History Of The Tour De France +Red Hot Chili Peppers Accidentally Write Song About New Hampshire +Irish Teen Who Sought Abortion Put In Mental Hospital +Camp Counselor Assigning Kids To Horses Like Wise Town Matchmaker Presiding Over Marriage +Study: Dogs, Wolves Understand Concept Of Fairness +Theoretical Scientists Gather For 35th Annual Symposium To Try To Determine How Gas Nozzle Knows When Tank Is Full +How Smart Technology Is Changing Homes +The iPhone Turns 10 +Harley-Davidson Releases New Motorcycle Designed For Men +Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else +Housefly Fondly Recalls Losing Virginity On Rotting Pile Of Ground Beef +Colorado Group Trying To Ban Preteen Smartphone Sales +Lonely Elementary Schooler Already Crushing Library’s Summer Reading Program +Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her +Barber Not Even Excited Anymore By Bringing Home Free Bags Of Hair At End Of Day +200 Million Voters’ Data Leaked Online +Secretary Of Interior Announces $400 Million Initiative To Preserve Self For Future Generations To Enjoy +Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Lasik Surgeries End In Laser Boring Through Eye, Incinerating Brain, Shooting Through Skull On Other Side +Lead Found In 20% Of Baby Food +New Gallup Poll Finds 40% Of Americans Probably Going To Skip Michelle’s Party +20 Years Of Harry Potter +Neighbor Arriving Home At Same Time Offers Brief, Beguiling Glimpse Inside Apartment +New App Sends Dating Profile Straight To Friends, Coworkers To Laugh At Without Ever Connecting Users To Each Other +China Censors Gay Kiss In ‘Alien: Covenant’ +Versatile Game Table Can Be Easily Converted To Play Small, Shitty Version Of Pool, Air Hockey, Foosball +Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy +Rookie USDA Agent Vomits After Seeing First Rotten Orange +Atari Announces Mysterious New Console +Chipotle Mayo Doing All The Heavy Lifting In Sandwich +Michael Phelps To Race Shark +Pope Francis Buys Knockoff Chalice At Store In Vatican City Chinatown +Top Prospects Of The 2017 NBA Draft +Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It +Supreme Court Defends Disparaging Trademarks +Top Family Vacation Spots +Fourth-Grade Teacher Receives Dark Portent Of Coming Storm From Gnarled, Haggard Third-Grade Teacher +Katy Perry Surpasses 100 Million Twitter Followers +Trump Accidentally Records Over Comey Meeting Tape With Idea For Candy Hotel +Robed Mark Warner Infiltrates Secret Torchlit AHCA Ceremony Deep In Woods Behind Capitol +Chuck E. Cheese Keyboardist Quits Band To Form Mr. Munch Experience +Top Benefits Of Going Paperless +Pier 1 Imports Unveils New Self-Defense Vase For Smashing Onto Head Of Home Invader +Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30% +Woman Convicted For Urging Boyfriend’s Suicide +Amazon Buys Whole Foods For $13.7 Billion +I Believe My Experience Working On Films Such As ‘Seven,’ ‘Ocean’s Eleven,’ and ‘World War Z’ Would Make Me A Valuable Asset To Your Next Action Movie +Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past +Beyonce Gives Birth To Twins +Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan +OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule +Embarrassed Library Of Congress Can’t Believe Some Of The Albums It Used To Be Into +ABC On Trial For Defaming Beef +God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S. +Stephen A. Smith Reveals He Still Meets Up With Skip Bayless To Argue +New Study Finds No Long-Term Health Benefits +‘Bachelor’ Production Halted Over Sexual Misconduct +How To Make Cooking At Home Less Stressful +Officials Charged Over Flint Water Crisis +WWE Staff Forced To Shoot Aggressive Wrestler After Child Climbs Into Steel Cage +Hallmark Debuts 1-Square-Inch Father’s Day Card With No Room For Writing Anything +EPA Unveils Plan To Improve Conditions For Nation’s Sludge +Biggest Sports Franchise Relocations +Addition Of Ketchup Factored Into Calculation Of French Fry’s Final Temperature +Report: Today The Day Woman Either Quits Job Or Goes Home And Watches 4 Hours Of Netflix +‘American Crime Story’ To Dramatize Versace Murder +Rolling Stone Settles With Fraternity For $1.65 Million +Millions Of Gallons Of Oil Spill Into Washington From Ruptured Rex Tillerson +The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide +Beyonce Releases Teaser Foot Ahead Of Birth Of Twins +‘This Here Is Probably Our Bestselling Love Seat,’ Says Man Who Would Have Been Powerful, Revered Warrior 4,000 Years Ago +New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees +Archaeologists Discover Fully Intact 17th-Century Belief System In Ohio Congressman +MLB Umpires Admit Pitchers Throw Way Too Fast To Actually See Ball +New Study Finds Best Way To Determine If You Are Android Still Cutting Open Forearm To Reveal Circuitry Within +Little Caesars Marketing New Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza Directly To President +Madrid Bans ‘Manspreading’ On Public Buses +Sponsors Drop Trump-Referencing ‘Julius Caesar’ +Heaven Installs Spikes To Keep Cherubs From Shitting On St. Peter’s Gate +Authorities Praise Twitter Users’ Rapid Response To Virginia Shooting +Virginia Shooting Somehow Proves What Every Single American Has Been Saying All Along +‘New York Times’ VR Program Takes User Inside Immersive, 3D World Of Paul Krugman +J.Crew Debuts New Line Of Stylish Casualwear For Mannequins +Microsoft Unveils Xbox One X Console +Melania, Barron Trump Move Into White House +Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off +Biggest Announcements From E3 +Is This A Bunch Of Assholes Fucking Around Or Is This A Clown Ministry? +Raid Introduces New Box To Cover Bug Until You Work Up Emotional Strength To Kill It +Donkey Kong Left Off New ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Game After Failing To Make Weight +Fossils Suggest Human Species At Least 315,000 Years Old +Pigeon Feels Silly About Still Being A Little Scared Of Plastic Owl +Reflecting Pool Drained After Duckling Deaths +Child Running Around House In Bathing Suit Has No Immediate Plans To Visit Body Of Water +Man In Kitchen Can’t Remember What He Got Married, Bought House, Had 3 Kids, And Came In Here For +Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead +Birthday Cards From Grandma Becoming More Religious +Facebook Ads Can Target Emotionally Vulnerable Teens +Ref Quietly Asks Penguins Players If He Can Have A Go At Hoisting Stanley Cup +Conservatives Lose Majority In UK Election +Woman Hopes Husband Doesn’t Notice She Lost Wedding Ring Finger Over Weekend +Marriage Counselor Encourages Woman To Take On Numerous Sexual Partners While Husband At Work +Obama Sends Publisher Collection Of Pages For Presidential Graphic Novel +Dad Frees Up Entire Day To Spend On Quality Father-Grill Bonding Time +Man Dies After Swimming With New Tattoo +Strongside/Weakside: Sidney Crosby +The Onion’s Guide To Wedding Attire +10-Month-Old Pug Worried Upon Reaching Age When Father Developed Debilitating Breathing Problems +Trump Boys Chasing Wounded Boar Around White House +Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone +Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most +Woman Who Leaked Report On Election Hacking Arrested +LeBron James Dances Naked Inside Pentagram Of Black Candles In New Pregame Satanic Ritual +Apple Unveils ‘HomePod’ Smart Speaker +How Smartphones Have Changed Our Lives +Local Man Dies Following Short Battle With Gas Leak Explosion +NASA Receives More Depressing Photos Of Mars’ Surface From Morbid Curiosity Rover +Harvard Rescinds Admission Offers Over Offensive Memes +Dozens Of Knockoff Internets Flood Market After Patent Expires +Innovations In Public Transportation +‘Wonder Woman’ Sets Box Office Record +I Sometimes Wish Lawyers Existed Outside The Fantastical World Of My Novels +Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted +Snuggle Marketers Kill Off 18-34 Demographic Rather Than Let It Fall Into Hands Of Competitor +Indiana Becomes Fourth State To Ban Great Sex +Study: Hot Water Not Better For Washing Hands +Bill Belichick Reminds Players They Expected To Attend Offseason Team Experiments +Studio Ghibli Opening Anime Theme Park +Report: More Americans Willing To Accept Female Wonder Woman +NASA Planning First Mission To Sun +Subconscious Can’t Wait To Turn Offhand Remark From Boss Into Dream About Drowning Horse +Family Hesitant About Sinking Another 40 Grand Into Repairs Of Dilapidated Old Grandma +British Radio Stations Ban Anti–Theresa May Song +Nair Introduces New Incendiary Oil For Controlled Burn Of Bikini Zone +Climate Change Could Cause Sleep Deprivation +Report: Getting Parents Off Back Now Accounts For 38% Of Economic Growth +Kathy Griffin Fired For Graphic Anti-Trump Photos +Sean Spicer Announces There Only Enough Time Left In Career For Couple More Questions +A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal +Nation Unable To Discern Why Unattractive Woman On Screen +Panic Floods Mike Pence’s System Before Realizing Hand On Knee His Own +Adam Carolla Crowdfunding ‘No Safe Spaces’ Movie +‘So Fuckin’ Sorry To Hear About This Shit,’ Reads Outpouring Of Sympathetic Texts From Scaramucci’s Friends, Family +Study: Sperm Counts Plunging In Western World +Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb +Blissed-Out, Hemp-Wearing Sean Spicer Assures Reince Priebus This The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Him +Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement +Troubling Report Finds Millions Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Getting Up And Going To Work Every Day +Jeff Bezos Briefly World’s Richest Person +Woman Bids Farewell To Former Self Before Beginning New Skin Care Regimen +Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With +A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame +Senate Votes Down GOP’s ‘Skinny’ Obamacare Repeal +Report: Buddy Dysmorphia Sufferers Experience Skewed, Negative Perception Of Shape Of Friends +Officials Warn Consumers Of Counterfeit Tickets Ahead Of Solar Eclipse +NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars +Trump Orders All Flags To Half-Staff In Honor Of American Killed On Episode Of ‘Blue Bloods’ +Inmates Offered Reduced Sentences For Getting Vasectomy +Onion Fact Checks: Anthony Scaramucci’s ‘New Yorker’ Interview +Study Finds Americans Do Most Financial Planning When Figuring Out How To Get Money’s Worth At Buffet +Amazon Completes New Suspension Tank To House Psychic Beings Who Foresee Customers’ Future Orders +Report Finds Koch Brothers Increasingly Falling Under Control Of Influential, High-Powered Trillionaire +India Moves To Ban Self-Driving Cars +Sullen Jeff Sessions Scrolls Through Minority Incarceration Statistics To Cheer Self Up +Microsoft Paint Being Phased Out +Report: Bots Now Make Up 22% Of Twitter Executives +CTE Found In 99% Of Deceased NFL Players’ Brains +Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex +Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now +Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate +Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact +Fish Species Not Seen Since 1960s Thinks It Can Waltz Back Into Marine Biologist’s Life Just Like That +Dubai Introduces Robot Police Officer +Household Dust Might Contribute To Weight Gain +Senator Struggling To Weigh Interests Of Entire Constituency Against Nothing +Area Man Installs Home Pull-Up Bar To Absentmindedly Tap While Passing Through Hallway +‘Dr. Mario’ Has Given Too Many People A Warped Idea Of The Medical Profession +HBO Greenlights Alternate History Civil War Drama +Documentary About Grisly Murder Inspires Dozens Of Copycat Documentaries +‘Back To Dock’ Voted Most Popular Destination Among Current Rowboat Passengers +Area Stingray Dreaming Of Making It To Tropicana Field Touch Tank +Salvador Dali Exhumed To Settle Paternity Suit +Kushner: ‘I Did Not Collude, But I Pretty Much Have To Say That, Right?’ +Dance Cage Recidivism Rates At All-Time High Within American Club Scene +Shark Week Programming Preview +Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation +FDA Set To Approve Gene-Altering Cancer Treatment +God Excited About First Trip To Japan +Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap +O.J. Simpson Granted Parole +Lovelorn App Aches To Know Your Location +National Forest Service Recommends Campers Tie Up Their Food To Avoid Attracting Other Visitors +A.I. Making It Easier To Falsify Video Evidence +Scientists: Humans Could Likely Outrun T-Rex +Shelling From Royal Caribbean’s M.S. ‘Allure’ Sinks Carnival Cruise Vessel That Crossed Into Disputed Waters +Nation Kept Up All Night By Sound Of Creaking Infrastructure +Disgusted Researchers Can’t Even Bring Themselves To Find Out How Much Mayo The Average American Consumes Yearly +Will Smith Cast As Genie In Live-Action ‘Aladdin’ Remake +Nike Introduces New Line Of Sauce-Wicking Competitive Eating Apparel +Star Tour Operator Points Out Massive Costner Dropping To Awed Passengers +First Female ‘Doctor Who’ Announced +Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con +Historians Find Evidence Of Nation’s Founding Lobbyists’ Campaign To Influence Constitution +$1 Million In Marijuana Found Smuggled In Ford Fusions +Dive-Bombing Osprey Better Emerge From Lake With Something Awesome To Show For It +Report: Bellagio Voted Best Casino For Standing Around Too Nervous To Approach A Poker Table +Listen, Area Boss Gets It +Study: Whole Wheat Not Healthier Than White Bread +New MIT Study Suggests Sonic The Hedgehog Might Be Living In Computer Simulation +Notable Female Writers Throughout History +People Think Being A Veterinarian Is Just Playing With Cute Animals All Day, But I Also Get To Kill Them +Nevada Experiencing Emergency Marijuana Shortage +Concert Crowd Worried Singer Who Stepped Away From Mic Won’t Make It Back In Time For Chorus +‘Westworld’ And ‘Saturday Night Live’ Lead Emmy Nominations +Grey Parrot Disappointed To Discover Rest Of Aviary A Bunch Of Idiots +‘NBA Hangtime’ Announcer Remembers Calling Scottie Pippen’s Classic Fire Double Dunk Game +Lifeguard Getting Pretty Fed Up With Out-Of-Breath Kid Always Hanging On Lane Line +New Study Finds Being On Cover Of ‘People’ Magazine Best Predictor Of Revealing All +Quentin Tarantino Making Film About Manson Murders +KFC Selling Sandwich-Shaped Meteorite +Habitat For Humanity Investigated For Working Conditions After 92-Year-Old Laborer Collapses On Site +Senator Moved To Tears After Reading Constituent’s Heartfelt Check +Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home +Jeff Sessions Proposes Reviving D.A.R.E. Program +Paris And Los Angeles To Host 2024, 2028 Olympics +Millions Of Policy Proposals Spill Into Sea As Brookings Institution Think Tanker Runs Aground Off Crimea Coast +God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru +Hellmann’s Introduces New Meat-On-The-Bottom Mayo Cups +X Games Dirt Biker Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Bird Gets Caught In Engine +Company Using Magnets To Clean Up Space Debris +Mosquito Confronts Partner After Testing Positive For Zika +Ivana Trump Calls Ex-Husband To Ask Him What He Did To Her Beautiful Baby Boy +Milestones In X Games History +Wiz Khalifa Video Most Watched In YouTube History +Eric Trump Leaves Plate Of Seared Foie Gras Outside Bedroom Door Of Despondent Donald Trump Jr. +ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs +How To Recover From An Embarrassing Situation +The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials +Gaunt, Sickly Kirby Takes Leave Of Absence From Video Games Following Stomach Cancer Diagnosis +Family Comforted By Thought That Man’s Death Will Prevent Others From Climbing War Memorial To Pretend To Fuck Horse +New Startup Fights Users’ Traffic Tickets +Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods +Article Predicts Climate ‘Doomsday’ +I Did Warn You Not To Get Me Started On The Shortcomings Of The ‘Lego Indiana Jones’ Games +Chicago Will Require Graduating Students To Have Post-School Plan +Teen Birth Rate At All-Time Low +OxyContin Maker Criticized For New ‘It Gets You High’ Campaign +ER Doctor Excitedly Tells Wife He Got To Use Shock Paddle Thing Today +Sun May Have Had ‘Twin’ +Highlights From The First Half Of The MLB Season +America Celebrates Independence Day +Nation’s Loyalists Compete In Annual Nigel’s Bangers And Mash Eating Contest +The Trump White House’s Fourth Of July Celebration Schedule +FDA Cracking Down On Unapproved Stem Cell Treatments +Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort +Funeral Director Assures Jewish Family This Headstone Can Withstand Plenty Of Blows From Baseball Bat +Disturbing Report Reveals Cruel, Disgusting Conditions For Prospects Kept In MLB Farm System +Ivanka, Donald Jr., Eric Trump Removed From White House After Mother Wins 25-Year Custody Battle +Features Of Android Oreo +Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night +Google Offering Depression Test +Affable Detective With Healthy Personal Life Hasn’t Solved Case In Months +Actor Quits Hellboy Reboot Over Whitewashing Controversy +South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North +Authorities Urge Louisiana Residents To Evacuate Dangerous Lower Income Brackets +Report: Some Shithead Out There Makes So Much More Money Than You +U.S. Box Office Has Worst Weekend Since 9/11 Aftermath +Sleepover Guests Get Story Straight On What Time They Went To Bed +Showtime Sued Over Poor Quality Stream Of Mayweather-McGregor Fight +Wrigley Field Grounds Crew Feed Buckets Of Raw Meat To Hungry Ivy +Authorities Warn Denver Residents In Direct Path Of 2037 Hurricane Alba +Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist +Third Desperate, Unsolicited Email To Tenuous Business Contact Should Do The Trick +Report: Supplying Police With High-Powered Military Weapons To Sharply Reduce Costs Of Shooting Suspects Multiple Times +We Welcome Everyone, Regardless Of Gender Identity, To Use Our Piss- And Shit-Covered Bathrooms +Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix +Steven Soderbergh Making ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Show +Nation Gets Really Tired All Of A Sudden +Study: World Could Run Entirely On Renewable Energy By 2050 +Callaway 9 Iron Once Again Named Golf Digest’s Best Club For Smashing In Cheating Ex’s Windshield +Houston Residents Begin Surveying Damage Of 200 Years Of Unchecked Worldwide Industrialization +Antifa Organizers Announce Plans To Disrupt Neo-Nazi Rally Or Whatever Else Going On That Day +Charles Schulz Estate Releases Hundreds Of Rare, Never-Before-Seen Images Of Him Posing Next To An Easel +Fan Disappointed To Learn L. Ron Hubbard Scientologist +Poor Sleep Might Contribute To Dementia +‘Game Of Thrones’ Audience Disappointed By Season Finale’s Bland, Uninspired Incest +‘Game Of Thrones’ Viewers Reeling After Finale Unexpectedly Kills Off Fan +Disney Launching Own Streaming Services +Texans Brace For President’s Response To Hurricane +Friend Not In Fantasy League Immediately Regrets Attending Draft Party +Planet Fitness Offering New Lights-Off Hour So No One Can Watch You Work Out +Struggling Amtrak To Discontinue Mysterious Late-Night Trains To Spirit Realm +Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show +Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa +‘Eleanor Rigby’ Grave For Sale +Best Special Effects In Film History +Study: Exxon Misled Public On Climate Change +Poll Finds Declining Number Of Americans Believe They God +What You Need To Know About Taylor Swift +‘Game Of Thrones’ Producers Reveal Series Moved Beyond Show’s Written Script Halfway Through Current Season +Old Friends From High School Meet Up Every Year To Say Names Of Former Classmates +Nation’s Therapists Say Majority Of Issues Could Be Resolved By Not Being So Weird All The Time +‘Slender Man Stabbing’ Suspect Pleads Guilty +Family Has Extremely Lax Standards For Who Gets To Be Called Aunt +Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound +Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut +‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball +German Police Seize 5,000 Trump-Shaped Ecstasy Pills +New Clinton Memoir: ‘We All Made Mistakes But You Made Most Of Them’ +Commercial Actor Informed He Doesn’t Have That Prego Tomato Sauce Look +The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing +Chuck E. Cheese’s Retiring Animatronic House Band +Report: Majority Of Time In Pool Spent Urging Others To Enter Pool +45-Year-Old Man Self-Conscious, Embarrassed By New, Unexpected Changes His Body Going Through +Report: A Lot Of People’s Dream Is To Have Sex With A Ghost +Trump Struck By Beautiful Vision Of What America Could Be While Looking Out Over Seething, Screaming Arizona Crowd +Six Flags Removes Confederate Flag +Soldier Excited To Take Over Father’s Old Afghanistan Patrol Route +Trump Vows To Leave A Better Afghanistan For Nation’s Grandchildren To Fight In +Tips For Back-To-School Shopping +Diehard 8-Year-Old Buffalo Bills Fan Showing Early Signs Of Masochism +Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Cares About This Tag Team +Report: Sky Normal Today +Studies Find Marijuana Not Effective For Chronic Pain +Study: 0% Of People Die From Getting Fingers Lodged In Bowling Ball And Being Dragged Down Lane +Trump: ‘We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored’ +Trump To Skip Kennedy Center Honors +‘There’s Nothing To It,’ Secret Service Agent Assures Mar-A-Lago Bellhop Assigned Rooftop Sniper Duty +Cow Excited To Freak The Fuck Out During Solar Eclipse +God Pissed Solar Eclipse Not Visible From Heaven +Prince Honored With New Shade Of Purple +Astronomers Caution Americans Not To Look Directly At Screaming Spirits Of The Damned During Solar Eclipse +Poll: Majority Of Americans Ready To Give Up On U.S. If Someone Else Goes First +Real Estate Insiders To Keep Close Eye On Newborn Sired By 3-Time Re/Max Sales Champion +Francis Ford Coppola Admits Wedding Scene In ‘The Godfather’ Needed More Lasagna +Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder +European Leaders: ‘We Stand Together To Say Loud And Clear: We Are Scared As Fuck And Don’t Know What To Do’ +Fleas Carrying Bubonic Plague Found In Arizona +What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film +‘My Work Here Is Done,’ Smiles Contented Bannon Before Bursting Into Millions Of Spores +Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead +Costco Forced To Pay $19 Million For Selling Fake Tiffany Rings +Report: 97% Of Inner Tube Occupants Agree It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This +Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious +Man Misidentified As Charlottesville Terrorist Suing Right-Wing News Sites +Inverted Bob Added To Supercuts Arctic Vault Where Hairstyles Preserved For Future Generations +Aides Say Bannon Was Not On The Record When He Issued Deafening, Atonal Howl That Caused Journalist’s Skull To Explode +Malala Can Tell Oxford Paired Her With Roommate Just Because They’re Both Nobel Laureates +Nation Rallies Around Ronald McDonald Statue That Embodies Country’s True Heritage +Girlfriend Surprises Rob Gronkowski With Relaxing Couple’s CAT Scan +Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Actually Incredibly Satisfying +Trump’s Childhood Home Listed On Airbnb +In Final Machiavellian Masterstoke, Area Woman Adds ‘No Gifts, Please’ To Bottom Of Invitation +Parent Now Just Typing 4-Year-Old Child’s Every Word Verbatim Throughout Day As Facebook Post +Disney Unveils Plans For ‘Immersive’ Star Wars Hotel +A Timeline Of Elvis Presley’s Life +Area Man Will Be Judge Of Whether Woman Actually True Baseball Fan +Larry Fitzgerald Confident He Has Couple Lousy Seasons That Undercut Entire Career Left In Him +Study Finds 1 In 8 Americans Abusing Alcohol +Man Who Stood And Watched Robbery Acted On Pure Instinct +What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism? +Google, GoDaddy Pull Registration For Neo-Nazi Site +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job +Disgusted Robert Mueller Eats 2 20-Piece Chicken McNugget Meals In One Sitting In Attempt To Get Into Trump’s Mind +President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival +The Dark Web Sucks Now That My Mom Is On It +Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record +‘Sex And The City’ Star Considering NY Governor Run +Condo Board Member Thinks Bylaw Cover-Up Might Go All The Way To Deb +Amazon Issues Refunds For Counterfeit Eclipse Glasses +Man Waiting To See How Few More Decades Of Racial Violence Play Out Before Taking Action +Charlottesville Suspect Might Have Received Tacit Support From High-Level Government Figure +Target ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ Aisle Being Browsed Exclusively By 30-Year-Old Men With Studio Apartments +Cleveland Browns Players Amazed By Star Rookie Comfortable Walking Around Shirtless +Study Casts Doubts On Health Benefits Of Pets +Study: Other Countries Weird +Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List +Parents Sit Down With Child For ‘Sex, Lies, And Videotape’ Talk +Laptop Gets To Age When It Can Be Lightly Tossed Sometimes +Report: Mom Sending You Something +God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun +Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands +Weird, Creepy Guy Just Hanging Around Same Website All Day Long +Walmart Apologizes For Back-To-School Gun Display +Report: Most Americans Now Getting Their News While Peeking Out Between Fingers +Europe Facing Butter Shortage +Economy Of Vacation Town Apparently Entirely Run By Overwhelmed High Schoolers +MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base +Olympics Considering Adding ESports To 2024 Games +Trump Boys Sadly Release Pet Alligator Into Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool +Staffer Investigating Puddle Of Slime On Floor Looks Up To Discover Coworker Cocooned In Bannon Ooze +Hackers Ransoming Confidential HBO Data +Man Surveys Party For Next Group To Silently Stand In +Jim Harbaugh Spends Post-Practice Interview Heaping Praise On Blade Of Grass That Really Impressed Him +Hillary Clinton Opens New Presidential Library Charting Course Of Purely Theoretical Tenure As Commander In Chief +Trump Cancels Sleep Disorder Screenings For Truckers +Paul Manafort Spends Afternoon Making House Look Presentable For Next FBI Raid +Authorities Confirm North Korea Now Has Missile Capable Of Hitting Sam Waterston’s House +Heinz Introduces New Quick-Recovery Sports Ketchup +Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time +What To Expect From James Comey’s Book +Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought +Marijuana Company Buys California Town +Report: Pickup Basketball Player Too Sweaty To Guard +Climate Change Making Crops Less Nutritious +The Onion’s Fall TV Preview +Report: Rise In Global Temperatures Likely To Increase Number of Americans Who Fucking Reek +Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation +New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought +Milestones Of HBO’s ‘Hard Knocks’ +Glitter iPhone Cases Recalled Due To Chemical Burns +Man Who Jumped Motorcycle Onto Hijacked Bullet Train Never Thought He’d See Stories Like His Being Told By Hollywood +Elvis Costello Poster Starting To Suspect It Will Never Be Framed +Google Engineer Writes Controversial Gender Manifesto +Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot +Nation’s Sexual Degenerates Impatient For Gay Marriage Slippery Slope To Kick In +Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly +Picture Most Closely Resembling Actual Self Immediately Deleted +Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge +Male Cockatoos Use Drumming To Woo Mates +Local Restaurant Makes Foolhardy Attempt At Second Location +New Sunscreen Made From DNA +Rec Sports League Organizer Needs To Cool It With The Emails +Local Dipshit Planning On Fighting Trump Administration Through Art +John Kelly Roots Out Remaining Priebus Sympathizers Hiding In Tunnels Throughout White House +Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole +76 Million Baby Boomers Abscond To Fiji After Draining Nation’s Social Security, Medicare Accounts +Redbox Debuts New Touchscreen In Back Of Kiosk For Pornographic Features +Wisconsin Company Microchipping Employees +NASA Seeks Habitat Designs For Mars Mission +Nation Inspired By Bravery Of Teen Just Wearing Bikini Right Into McDonald’s +Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start +Choosing The Right Dog For You +John Cena Purchases $4 Million 18th-Century Wrought Iron Cage At Auction +Studio Making ‘Words With Friends’ TV Show +Extra Strip Of Wrapping Paper Taped Over Present’s Weird Edge +Report: South Korea Developing New Pop Group Capable Of Reaching U.S. +U.S. Scientists Create First Genetically Modified Embryo +Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers +Experts Warn Repeated Attempts At Eradicating Obamacare May Have Created Ultra-Resistant Super Law +American Airlines Admirals Club Installs Two-Way Mirror For Members To Enjoy Misery Of Passengers In Gate Waiting Area +‘Moonlight’ Actor To Star In ‘True Detective’ Season 3 +Family Excited To See Dad Making Friends In New Neighborhood +Ominous Darkness Descending On Webpage Portends Grim Age Of Autoplaying Ad To Come +Netflix $20 Billion In Debt +‘Leaking Sure Is Cool, Huh, Guys?’ Says Disguised John Kelly To White House Aides +My Advice To Anyone Starting A Business Is To Remember That Someday I Will Crush You +Choosing The Right School For Your Child +‘You Deserve Better Than The Person You’re Dating,’ Reports Little Voice In Back Of Mind +Honolulu Bans ‘Distracted Walking’ +Tips For Cleaning Your House +God Recalls Collaborating On Joint Vision Of Humanity With Deceased Creative Partner +Twitter Introduces Red X Mark To Verify Users It’s Okay To Harass +On-Field Reporter Acting Like No Big Deal That Coach Just Walked Away Mid-Interview +Bassist Has Little Riff Ready To Go In Case Frontman Goes Around Introducing Everyone +Cop Confident He’ll Be Exonerated By Clear Video Evidence Of Him Shooting Defenseless Black Man +Anthropomorphologists Find Earliest Known Evidence Of Banana Walking Upright +Liberal Activists Encourage Citizens To Call Their Late-Night Hosts And Urge Them To Oppose Tax Plan +Saudi Official Fired Over Picture Of Yoda In Textbook +Wedding Caterer Likes To Throw In Extra Potatoes If It Seems Like Couple Genuinely In Love +Hugh Hefner Dead At 91 +Wild-Eyed Sears CEO Convinced These The Flannel Pajama Pants That Will Turn Everything Around +Officials Investigating Hugh Hefner’s Death Suspect Foreplay +Little League Team Spends 18 Minutes Getting Ball Back To Pitcher +Jeb Bush Debuts One-Man Presidential Campaign Tragedy Play In Black Box Theater +Nation Has Heart Set On Last Muffin +Gatorade Fined Over Mobile Game That Disparaged Water +‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family +Saudi Arabia Lifts Ban On Women Drivers +NASA’s Mars Roomba Begins Mission To Clean Dust From Planet’s Surface +Report: 42% Of Relationships Begin With Leaning Over Apartment Balcony To See Beautiful New Neighbor Watering Zinnias Below +Area Twitter User Guesses He Could Muster Up 140 More Characters About The Master Race +Arguments For And Against Single Payer Healthcare +‘Twas Hubris Led Me Here,’ Thinks Naked Woman Sitting On Public Toilet With Romper Around Her Ankles +Amazon Notifies Customers About Non-Existent Baby Registries +Trump Duped By Fake Iranian Missile Launch +Veteran Told What Offends Him +Babbling, Grinning Mitch McConnell Demands EMTs Loading Him On Stretcher Vote Yes On Healthcare Bill +Being A Senator Means Making Tough Decisions That Aren’t Always Popular, Smart, Politically Viable, Or Beneficial To Your Constituents +Vikings Coaching Staff Refuses To Panic About Flickering Dalvin Cook +Avril Lavigne Rated ‘Most Dangerous Celebrity’ To Search For Online +Couple’s Fucked-Up Presex Ritual Involves Tucking Both Kids Into Bed +Bird Wouldn’t Have Landed On Ledge If It Had Known Everyone Would Make It Into Whole Big Thing +Frustrated Man Forced To Agree With Dumbass Political Cartoon Of Statue Of Liberty Hugging Immigrants +Facebook Vows Not To Hand Over Users’ Medical Records To Government +It Would Really Help Me Out If You Guys Could Just Give Up Your Health Insurance This One Time +Trump Decries Wave Of NFL Protests +‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers +Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet +‘Game Of Thrones’ To Film Multiple Series Endings +Monarch Butterfly Makes Directorial Debut On ‘Nature’ Episode +Holder Fucking Sick Of Giving Kicker Little Pep Talks After Every Missed Field Goal +Facebook Offering New Profile Frame To Let Friends Know You Stopped Scrolling Briefly To Look At Disaster Photos And Felt Sorta Bad +Facebook Turning Over Russia-Backed Election Ads To Congress +Sebastian Gorka Welcomed To Halfway House For Fired Trump Administration Members +New Report Finds It Took Humans 3,000 Years After Developing Language To Work Up Confidence To Talk To Each Other +Report: Nothing Stopping You From Deleting Your Facebook Account Right Now +Passersby Can’t Help But Stare At Woman’s Huge Kids +National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce +NFL Reducing Head Injuries With Flexible Helmet +Tesla Unveiling Electric Semi-Truck +New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable +Vanderbilt Chancellor Recommends Fans Get Vaccinated Before SEC Road Schedule Begins +Realtor Obligated To Tell Potential Buyers About Murder Happening In Basement +Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars +U.S. Heroin Deaths Up 533% +U.S. Fish And Wildlife Officials Release Photos Of Missing Perch +Toys ‘R’ Us Files For Bankruptcy +NASA Announces Plan To Replace Voyager Record With Streaming Service That Aliens Can Browse From Any Device +GOP Leaders Confident They’ll Have Cruelty Necessary To Pass Healthcare Bill +Mnuchin Requested Government Plane For Honeymoon +Climatologists Say Humanity’s Best Hope Is Hurricanes Spinning In Different Directions And Canceling Each Other Out +EPA Releases Annual List Of Cities Where Tap Water Probably Fine To Drink But Tastes Kinda Off +Grandma Jumps Into Buick For Emergency Birdseed Run +‘Rolling Stone’ Magazine Up For Sale +Bankrupt Toys ‘R’ Us Forced To Euthanize Thousands Of Hatchimals +What Are You Guys, In Love With Glaciers? +How Amazon Plans To Expand +Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking +Pet Turtles Linked To Salmonella Outbreak +‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn +Sean Spicer Appears On Stage At Emmys +‘You Thought You Could Get Rid Of Me?’ Says Cassini Probe Emerging From Shadows To Confront Petrified NASA Administrator +Maid Of Honor Specifically Selected For Ability To Take Emotional Beating +Mark Zuckerberg Admits He Unsure Why Anyone Still Uses Facebook +New Shot Could Deliver Several Vaccines At Once +FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug +Kevin James Announces He Is Not Considering Late-Career Shift Towards More Dramatic Roles +Study: 90% Of All Meowing Comes From Owners Trying To Get Cats To Meow Back +Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want +CBS Loses Dan Fouts For Season After Blowing Out Larynx On Routine Anecdote +Facebook Allowed Advertisers To Target ‘Jew Haters’ +Cassini Probe Realizes Too Late This Was A Setup All Along +Experts Report $37 Amount Of Money You Need To Donate To Hurricane Relief In Order To Completely Forget About It +Nation’s Journalists Remember Quaint Time When ‘Huffington Post’ Seemed Like Death Of News Industry +Hope Hicks Praying She Not Still In Same Shitty Job By Time She Hits 30 +Hydra Decides To See Doctor About Painful Ingrown Head +Exhausted John Kelly Parks President In Front Of Episode Of ‘Tucker Carlson’ To Get Quick Hour To Himself +Google Now Giving Female Employees Free Day Each Week To Work On Lawsuits +Study: Mice Healthier On Extremely High-Fat Diet +Martin Shkreli Jailed Over Clinton Hair Bounty +Cash-Strapped School District Furloughs Hundreds Of Nonessential Children +Texas Governor Warns It Could Be Decades Before State Fully Ready To Talk About Climate Change +Martin Shkreli Faces Rough Stay In Prison System Where Inmates Who Funded Hair Theft Are Lowest Caste +Exhausted Florida Resident Returns Home After Weathering Harrowing Week With Family Out Of State +Eagle_Warrior_1776 Horrified To Discover Its Entire Life A Sham Created By Russians To Tilt U.S. Election +Unconditional Love Given To 15-Year-Old Who Just Called Mom A Bitch In Middle Of Hollister +Stephen Hawking Reportedly Working On Juicy Tell-All Formula +Space Weather May Have Caused Mass Whale Deaths +Apple Unveils iPhone X +T.J. Maxx Recreates In-Store Shopping Experience With New Website That Randomly Scatters Products All Over The Place +‘It’ Sets Box-Office Record For Horror Film +Congress’s Agenda For The Upcoming Term +Point/Counterpoint: Twitter Is An Echo Chamber That Causes People To Create A Community Of Like-Minded Users Repeating Their Own Viewpoint Back To Them vs. Yes! +Report: Thinking About Way You Look All The Time Burns 5,000 Calories An Hour +Secret Service Agent Learning A Lot From Malia’s ‘18th Century European History’ Seminar +Los Angeles Painting Streets White To Offset Climate Change +‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office +Features Of The New iPhone 8 +Report: New iPhone Will No Longer Secretly Record Every Word You Say +Man Must Think It Enough To Wear Blackhawks Jersey At Cubs Game +Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir +Report Finds One In Five Americans Struggle With Properly Masking Depression +Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player +Study: Majority Of Americans Fantasize About Other Countries During National Anthem +Military-Industrial Complex Recalls Coming Together In Aftermath Of 9/11 +Miss North Dakota Crowned Miss America For First Time +Rudy Giuliani Adds More Planes, Towers With Each Subsequent Retelling Of 9/11 +Tylenol Releases New Black Bile Gel Caps For People With Unbalanced Humors +Clinton Memoir Cites Reasons For Election Loss +How Hurricanes Form +Toddler At That Cute Age Where Anything Can Be Projected On Them +Cruel Broadcast Gods Rip Away Bonus Coverage Of Football Game +Hurricane Irma Most Powerful Atlantic Storm In History +Climate Change Denier Battens Down Worldview To Weather Hurricane Irma +Equifax Impressed By Hackers’ Ability To Ruin People’s Finances More Efficiently Than Company Can +Bride Always Dreamed About Making Fiancé’s Friends Sweat Asses Off In Fucking Sun +Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints +Quaker Releases New Plain Flavor-Blasted Rice Cakes +Nation’s Nutritionists Confirm Mini Versions Of Food Nummier +Disney Fires ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’ Director +Partisan Differences Set Aside For Congress’ Annual Erotic Masquerade Ball +Elon Musk Warns AI Could Lead To World War III +Clinton Already Working On Follow-Up Book Casting Blame For Failures Of First +Physically Fit, Emotionally Stable Kim Jong-Un Addresses UN After Finally Getting Nuclear Ambitions Out Of System +Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self +Studio Developing Female-Centered ‘Lord Of The Flies’ Remake +‘Flatbread Means Pizza,’ Man Explains To Visiting Father +Bon Appétit Denies Allegations That They Responsible For Millions Of Pro-Quiche Twitter Bots +Climate Change Stunting Growth Of Fish +Authorities On Loudspeaker Plead With Holdout Characters To Evacuate Disney World While They Still Can +Autoplaying Video Executes Cunning Ambush 45 Seconds After Opening Page +Drunk Nutritionists Recommend Eating Entire Frozen Pizza At 3 A.M. +‘Parent Trap’ Producers Recall Euthanizing Lindsay Lohan Clone After Completing Filming +The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales +Kushner Frantically Searching Desk Drawer For Bold Solutions To Today’s Most Pressing Issues +Area Man So Sick Of Having To Explain Family Members’ Political Views To Them +Aides Clip Toenails, Wash Hair Of Mumbling, Bedsore-Ridden Trump As President Enters 155th Straight Hour Of Watching Cable News +Food Network Goes Off Air After Every Possible Iteration Of Ingredient Combinations Completed +FDA Approves Ecstasy As ‘Breakthrough’ PTSD Treatment +What To Expect From Taylor Swift’s Upcoming Album +Coast Guard Drags Decoy Boca Raton Into Middle Of Ocean In Attempt To Lure Away Hurricane Irma +Trump Fulfills Campaign Promise Of Pushing Major Immigration Decision On Someone Else So He Can Watch TV +‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams +Report: Country That Might Shut Down Because President Wants Big Wall Somehow Considered Best In The World +Report: Excitedly Bounding Into Office Remains Leading Cause Of Workplace Injuries +Sister Announces Prince’s Favorite Color Was Orange +Democrats Unveil 324 Million New Slogans To Appeal To Each U.S. Resident Individually +Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark +Depressed Cat Just Going Through Motions Of Destroying Couch +College Freshman Experiences First Tantalizing Taste Of Freedom Waiting In Line At Burrito Station While Parents Find Table +Treasury Secretary Reneges On Plan To Put Harriet Tubman On $20 Bill +Trump Administration Announces New $20 Bill Design Honoring Harriet Tubman’s Owners +Peaceful Protest Interrupted By Swarm Of Aggressive Black-Clad Militants +‘This Map Will Change The Way You See Westeros,’ Reports Never-Ending Cascade Of Subhuman Bullshit +Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’ +Former Conservative Recalls Belittling Tirade From College Student That Brought Him Over To Left +Nation’s Middle Class Chillingly Reappears Out Of Nowhere +$900 Million Lawsuit Might Hinge On Whether Ghosts Real +Biden Hands Out Loose GT Cola Can To Unexpected Trick-Or-Treater +Kellogg’s Apologizes For Racially Insensitive Corn Pops Box +John Kelly Loses Seat On NAACP Board Of Directors +Handwritten Einstein Note Praising Modest Life Sells For $1.56 Million +Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede +Most Popular Halloween Costumes For Couples +‘I’ll Make Those Bastards Pay,’ Teary-Eyed Mueller Whispers Into Locket Containing Photo Of James Comey +Saudi Arabia Grants Robot Citizenship +Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen +Geologists Say Continents May Have Drifted Apart After Emotional Falling-Out +Study: Body Cameras Have No Impact On Police Behavior +Great, Daughter Measuring Self-Worth Against Some 13-Year-Old Named Skyla Now +Pope Beatifies God In Important Step Toward Sainthood +Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full +Entrance Fee For National Parks Could Be Increased To $70 +Most Incompetent Coworker Once Again Shines At Office Halloween Party +Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You +Chase Utley Freaks Out Dodgers With Spooky Story Of Home Run Ball That Was Never Found +Intelligence Briefing Interrupted By Sofa-Cushion-Wearing Trump Boys Volunteering To Fight In North Korea +Scientists: Mind Continues To Work After Death +Mother Can’t Believe 10-Year-Old Has Already Outgrown Mobility Scooter +Startling Report Finds Evidence Democrats May Have Attempted To Influence 2016 Election +2017 Sets All-Time Record For Store Closings +Nabisco Baffled After Trump Administration Gives It $200 Million Contract To Rebuild Puerto Rico’s Roads +Poll: 68% Of Americans Believe Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Like Asshole +‘It’s Simply Bursting With Creative Wonder,’ Says Reviewer Of New Game Where Mario Sometimes Dresses As Chef +Pope Francis Admits God Really Starting To Look Old +Puerto Ricans Without Power For Month Can Only Assume This Leading Story Across National News Media +Tips For Losing Weight +Study: Insect Populations Declined 75% Over Last 30 Years +OB-GYN Kind Of Annoyed She Has To Confirm Woman’s Premonition About Sex Of Baby That Came To Her In Dream +China Launching ‘Social Credit’ App That Rates Citizens’ Loyalty +Russian Interference Had No Impact On Election, Reports Website Created 8 Minutes Ago +Vatican City Zoo Struggling To Breed First Angel In Captivity +PT Boat Sent Up Overgrown, Booby-Trapped Potomac River To Find Deranged John Kelly +Report: Suddenly Remembering To Sit Up Straight Once A Month Best Way To Keep Back Healthy Into Old Age +‘Nude Mona Lisa’ May Be Work Of Da Vinci +Amazon Mistakenly Delivers 63 Pounds Of Marijuana To Couple +Jeff Bezos’ Heart Breaks A Little Reading Albany’s Amazon Headquarters Pitch +Rams Simulate Playing Giants by Pumping Crowd Groans Into Speakers +Internet Crashes As Billions Of People Go Online To Purchase The Onion’s Latest Book, ‘The Trump Leaks’ +Frantic, Last-Second Study Finds Old-Fashioned Donut Better For You Than Bavarian Cream +My Brush With Death Taught Me To Treasure Every Time ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’ Comes On +How Social Media Is Changing Our Lives +Nutritious Lunch Brought From Home Broadcasts Middle-Aged Coworker’s Recent Health Scare Loud And Clear +AI Scientists Theorize Existence Of Numbers Greater Than 1 +Study: Men’s And Women’s Brains React Differently To Helping Others +Eagles Ask Fans To Throw Bottles Responsibly +Trump To Allow Release Of Classified JFK Documents +Trump Called Up For Vietnam Service After Last Of Draft Deferments Expires +Area Woman Lovingly Lint Rolling Cardigan As If Tending To Prized Stallion +New EPA Study Finds 98% Of U.S. Mop Water Fucking Nasty As Hell +Nation Demands More Slow-Motion Footage Of Running Basset Hounds +Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives! +Study: Screen Time Delays Speech Development In Young Children +NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did +George W. Bush Warns Of Rise Of Conspiracy Theories +Man Wishes Live Nation Would Email Him Whenever Any Band Playing Anywhere +New Study Finds You’d Love Being Rich Asshole +Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay +Former Blink 182 Guitarist Crowdfunding Spaceship +Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator +Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him +Nation’s Entertainment Reporters Return To Celeb Beach Body Beat Following Coverage Of Weinstein Scandal +‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier +Trump Drops 92 Spots On List Of Richest Americans +Trump Comforts Grieving War Widow By Assuring Her He Will Never Die +Report: 98% Of BattleBots Suffer Debilitating CPU Injuries +St. Peter Scrambling To Throw Few More Innocent Souls Into Hell To Meet Monthly Quota +Area Dad To Spend Next Few Days Or So Telling Son It Important To Respect Women +Third Royal Baby Due In April +Tips For Organizing A Protest +Abandoned Chinese Space Station On Collision Course With Earth +Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrolling +Negative Parent-Teacher Conference Not Exactly Eye-Opening For Area Mother +New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles +California Law Requires Pet Stores To Sell Rescue Animals +1-800-EAT-SHIT Finally Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data +Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy +Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God +Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick +Pollution Exposure During Pregnancy May Shorten Baby’s Life +Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability +Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work +Scientists Warn Yellowstone Supervolcano Could Erupt Sooner Than Thought +How Gerrymandering Works +Larry Flynt Offers $10 Million Reward For Info Leading To Trump Impeachment +Starbucks Offering New Lukewarm Coffee To Help Ease Customers’ Transition From Iced To Hot +Trump Administration Sends 30 Million Nothing To Puerto Rico Victims +MLB Warns Homerun Hitters League Almost Out Of Balls +Study Finds Flushing Toilets Wastes Billions Of Gallons Of Piss And Shit Annually +UCLA Offering Depression Screenings For All Incoming Students +Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet +Man Embarrassed Thinking About Every Opinion He’s Ever Articulated +Exhausted Trump Supporter Just Decides Massive Cuts To Healthcare Subsidies Reason He Voted For Him +Historians Discover Meditation Spread From Ancient China By Annoying Monk Who Wouldn’t Shut Up About How It Changed His Life +Report: 17 New Species Of Bacteria Found Every Day In World’s Rainforest Cafés +Boys Scouts Will Allow Girls To Join +Friend Moving Apartments Probably Just Going To Rent U-Haul, Have Nervous Breakdown +Report: Today’s Teens Taking Longer To Grow Up +Tamagotchi Digital Pets Return To Market +Emotionally Abusive Social Media Site Continuously Manipulating Woman Into Staying +Report: You Have Won! +Nation’s Women Clarify They Harbor No Secret Desire To See Colleagues’, Acquaintances’, Strangers’ Genitals +Researchers Forced To Scrap Another Sleep Study After Participants Murdered In Dreams By Serial Killer +A Timeline Of Construction On The White House +Fans Increasingly Unable To Recover In Time For Thursday Night Games +Study: Universe Probably Not Computer Simulation +NFL Considering Forcing Players To Stand During Anthem +Documentary Crew’s Night Vision Camera Captures Inquisitive Jim Harbaugh Poking Lens +Nation Schedules Recurring Monthly Benefit Concert To Streamline Tragedy Response Process +Online Activists Unsure About Offensiveness Of Article, Figure They’ll Destroy Author’s Life Just In Case +Scientists: Oceans Provide Enough Wind Power For All Civilization +Man Already Has Whole Sentence Lined Up For Later In Conversation +Dove Apologizes For Ad Accused Of Racism +Millions Of Moms Set Out On Pilgrimage To Premium Outlet Center +Dining Out Vs. Home Cooking +Bring Your Love To Me +AOL Instant Messenger Shutting Down Permanently +Gerbil Running Late Will Have To Eat Her Babies On The Go +Growing ‘Fat-Earther’ Movement Believes Planet 2.4 Quintillion Pounds Overweight +Pro-Life Congressman Who Asked Mistress To Abort Will Resign +Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’ +Report: New STD Cases Hit Record High In 2016 +New Study Finds Average American Stands No Chance Against What’s Coming +Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan +NFL Pregame Ceremony Honors Retired 52-Year-Old Cornerback As Oldest Living Former Player +Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036 +‘How Could Harvey Weinstein Get Away With This?’ Asks Man Currently Ignoring Sexual Misconduct Of 17 Separate Coworkers, Friends, Acquaintances +Anti-Nuclear Weapons Organization Awarded Nobel Peace Prize +Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once +Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall +World Health Organization Releases Top 10 Most Fucked Up Causes Of Death +Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase +Americans Are Tired Of The Same Old Pandering And Stale Ideas We’re Going To Keep Offering Them +Study: Humans Caught Herpes From Ancient Hominin Ancestor +Report: Breathing Can Extend Lifespan By Several Decades +Study: Playing Outdoors Protects Against Nearsightedness +Newspaper Starting To Worry Spending So Much Time On Facebook Not Healthy For It +Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm +Nation’s Dads Announce Plans To Trade In The Dodge For Something With A Little More Zip +A Timeline Of Presidential Communication +Yahoo Confirms Data Breach Affected 100% Of Accounts +Google, Facebook Spread Misinformation About Las Vegas Shooting +New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career +Stunned Family Watches As Grandmother Wolfs Down Sandwich In 33 Minutes +Twitter Testing 280-Character Limit +Marvel Hints At Upcoming Death Of Stan Lee +NHL Warns Hockey Fans That Banging On Glass Scares Players +Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You +Experts Warn Against Eyeball Tattoo Trend +White House: ‘This Is Not The Geologic Era To Debate Gun Control’ +Man Worried Any Crazy Person Could Get Hands On Congressional Seat +John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam +A Timeline Of The Space Race +Those Close To Nation Say It Showed Dozens Of Warning Signs Leading Up To Massacre +Man Pretty Sure He Could Run This Company Into Ground Way Better Than Boss +Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too +Report: Only 1 In 3 Preschool Graduates Has Necessary Animal Sound Skills Upon Entering Zoo +CVS Limiting Opioid Prescriptions To Seven Days +This Shooting Isn’t About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, It’s About Access To Mental Health Care We’re Continuing To Gut +NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings +Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +‘Avengers 4’ Will Provide Finale To Current Marvel Cinematic Universe +How The NFL Can Increase Viewership +Melania Trump Hangs Decayed Badger Carcass Over White House Mantel To Finish Off Traditional Slovenian Christmas Decor +Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck +Man’s Eyes Glaze Over Whenever Politician Starts Threatening To Plunge Him Into Serf-Like Subjugation +Queer Dating App 'Grindr' No Longer Men-Only +‘Substitute Phone’ Aims To End Smartphone Addiction +Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct +Bangor Police Bring In Stephen King To Help Track Demonic Car That Killed Woman +Area Woman Quietly Satisfied To Have Concrete Evidence Backing Up Years-Long Hatred Of Matt Lauer +Tips For Holiday Shopping On A Budget +Hooded Members Of Congress Drown Another Love Child In Potomac To Prevent Affair From Getting Out +‘Lady Bird’ Now Best-Reviewed Movie Of All Time +Prince Harry Is Engaged To Meghan Markle +New GOP Plan Offers Tax Breaks On All Contributions Tucked Into Congressmen’s Suit Breast Pocket +‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Exclusive Information From Jaime Phillips About Roy Moore’s Sexual Indiscretions +Al Franken Tearfully Announces Intention To Step Down From Role As Harasser Of Women +You Know, Now That I Think About It, Settling Diplomatic Disputes Between Traditionally Hostile Ethnic Groups Is Nothing Like Drilling For Oil +Witnesses To Gordon Hayward Injury Continuing Long Road To Recovery +Vans Warped Tour Will End In 2018 +Buick Introduces New Self-Buying Car +Teacher Frustrated No One In Beginner Yoga Class Can Focus Chakras Into Energy Blast +Chicago Announces New Tax Breaks To Attract Major New York, LA Shootings +‘So What Did I Miss?’ Asks Michael Flynn Tilting Large Flower On Lapel Towards Trump +Cyber Monday Could Shatter Sales Records +New Report Finds Giants Just 5 Years Away From Acquiring Offensive Weapons +Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does +Tips For Clean Eating +Comedy Cellar Holds Night For Male Comedians To Workshop Sexual Harassment Apologies +Dying Woman Sorry She Won’t Get To See 37-Year-Old Son Grow Up +Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird +Showerin’ Real Good Continues To Top Bridal Style Trends Of 2017 +Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce +Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction +Americans Buy $81 Million In Pies On Thanksgiving +Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving +‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting +Study: Sex Rarely Causes Heart To Stop +Memorable Moments From NFL Thanksgiving Games +New Historical Evidence Suggests Most Pilgrims Sailed Back Home To Celebrate First Thanksgiving +Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down +Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview +Trump To Spend Thanksgiving At Mar-a-Lago +Assistant Coach Finally Works Up Courage To Blow Whistle +Nearly Half Of Americans Have High Blood Pressure +Study Finds Humans Crave Sweet Foods Because They’re Weak—They’re Weak And They’re Small +Report: That Whole Side Of Family Just Like That +Successful U.S. Airstrike Kills 30 Iraqis Who May As Well Have Been Terrorists +Doctors Edit Living Patient's DNA For First Time +Frustrated Jesus Christ Forced To Find 22nd Vessel For Reincarnation After Death Of Charles Manson +Manson’s Loved Ones Ask For Complete, Utter Chaos In Their Time Of Grief +Report: Only 3% Of Conversations Actually Need To Happen +Substitute Teacher Can Tell He’s Filling In For Real Asshole +Justice Kennedy Out For Rest Of Session With Tear In Adjudicatory Tendon +George R.R. Martin Announces Next Book To Feature Pixies, Dracula +Mattel Debuts Barbie With Hijab +Report: Publicly Humiliating Unpopular Student Still Leading Cause Of Telekinetic Violence In U.S. High Schools +Giants Excited About Seeing Real NFL End Zone Up Close +White House Lifts Ban On Importing Elephant Trophies +Trump Privately Terrified His Sexual Assault Victims Will Someday Come Forward +Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment +Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability +How To Be A Savvy News Consumer +Parents Gently Explain To Son Why Family Dog Had To Be Blown Up With Dynamite +FDA Approves First Digital Pill +Obamas Reunited Live On TV For First Time Since Leaving White House +Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour +Democrats Call For Convincing Amount Of Condemnation For Al Franken +NASA Launches First ‘Space Nation’ Into Orbit +Buyer Of $450 Million Da Vinci Painting Sort Of Assumed It Would Come With Frame +Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters +Bar Table Scientists Awarded 4-Beer Grant To Complete Analysis On Why He’s Not Good Enough For You +Kid With Massive Head Probably Psychic +NFL Announces Plans To Stream ‘Thursday Night Football’ Exclusively On Delta Flights +Bill Gates Invests $80 Million In Arizona ‘Smart City’ +Hollywood Removes Statue Of Louis B. Mayer Beckoning Judy Garland To Sit On His Lap +Florida School Selling Bulletproof Panels For Backpacks +Man At Job Interview Praying He Isn’t Asked About 2-Year Gap In Résumé When He Was Abducted By Aliens +Nutritionists Recommend 3-4 Daily Servings Of Anything That's About To Go Bad +New Babysitter Can Already Tell This Kind Of Kid Who Gets Naked For No Reason +Arguments For And Against School Uniforms +Archaeologists Unearth Earliest Known Shithole Located Super Far From Everywhere +Disney Announces New ‘Star Wars’ Trilogy, Live-Action Series +Unpaid Garment Workers Hide Pleas For Help In Zara Clothing +Staffers Frantically Trying To Restore Chaos To White House Before Trump Returns From Asia Trip +Adrenaline Supply Intended For Lifting Car Off Loved One Called Upon To Carry 4 Grocery Bags At Once +I Never Would’ve Founded Microsoft If I Hadn’t Dropped Out Of College And Tortured The Guy Who Originally Had The Idea +Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder +Justice Department Allegedly Demands Sale Of CNN +Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities +Networks Cut Ties With Louis C.K. Over Harassment Allegations +Roy Moore On Pedophilia Accusers: ‘These Women Are Only Discrediting Me Now Because Shifting Sociocultural Norms Have Created An Environment In Which Assault Allegations Are Taken Seriously’ +Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person +‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car +How To Make A Difference +Facebook Asks For Users' Nude Photos To Combat Revenge Porn +Steven Spielberg Recalls Coming To Blows With E.T. On Film Set +Fox News Struggling To Attract Younger 60-75 Demographic +Stadium Crowd Unsure When It Okay To Sit After Honoring WWII Veteran +Toddler Scientists Finally Determine Number Of Peas That Fit Into Ear Canal +Area Man Afraid Some Woman Might Come Out Of The Woodwork To Hold Him Accountable For Something +Twitter Suspends Verification Process Over White Nationalist Scandal +Neither Boss Nor Employee Paid Enough To Deal With Each Other +Donna Brazile Says Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order Was Almost Like A Cult +Tips For Writing Your College Admissions Essay +Amazon In Talks For ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Streaming Series +Disney Ends L.A. Times Ban After Backlash +Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers +Obama Sinks Family Savings Into Developing Presidential Tabletop Game +Report: Album As Good As ‘Sgt. Pepper’ Comes Out About Once Every Month +Doctors Discover Purpose Of Appendix Is To Contain Human Soul +Quick Scan Of Room Confirms Area Man Once Again Sweatiest Person Present +Scientists Discover ‘Void’ In Great Pyramid +Pope Francis Pardons Those Who Dodged The Draft During Crusades +Transgender Heavy Metal Singer Elected In Virginia +Hanes Apologizes, Pulls T-Shirts From Shelves After Seeing How Local Man Looks In Them +‘Any Song Can Be Sad If It Has Sad Memories Attached To It,’ Report Newly Single Sources +How The World Has Changed Since Trump’s Election +Doctors Warn Marshawn Lynch That Next Time He Goes Into Beast Mode Could Kill Him +Gender Inequality Worsened In 2017 +Nation’s Parents Announce They Have Zero Fucking Patience For This Bullshit +Heaven Slides To Sixth Place In Annual Quality Of Afterlife Rankings +Russell Westbrook Briefly Forgets How To Dribble After Thinking About It Too Hard +ACLU Defends Blogger Accused Of Defaming Taylor Swift +While I May Disagree With His Choice Of Words, I Fully Support The President In Whatever It Is You’re Talking About That He Just Did +Weak-Willed Coward Changes Opinion After Learning He Was Wrong +Squirrel Who Really Chunked Out Unable To Look Neighborhood Residents In Eye +‘Stranger Things 2’ Creators Say Keen Viewers Will Notice Twinge Of Disappointment Hidden In Every Scene +Ozone Hole Smallest Since 1988 +Rogue Twitter Employee Briefly Deletes Trump’s Account +Paul Ryan Quickly Runs Tweet About Texas Shooting Past Wayne LaPierre Before Posting +Nation To Wait For More Facts On Texas Shooting Before Doing Absolutely Nothing About It +Japanese Company Gives Non-Smokers Extra Vacation Days +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Gothamist, DNAinfo Owner Shutters Sites After Vote To Unionize +Aides Gently Tell Trump He Can’t Bring All His Gold Lion Statues On Airplane +Itinerary For Trump’s Trip To Asia +Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back +White House Announces Obamacare Exchange Now Only Accessible From Single Kiosk In Remote Iowa Cornfield +Man Resolves To Read The Wikipedia Tabs He Already Has Open Before Starting New Ones +U.K. County Bans Surgeries For Obese Patients And Smokers +DNC Unveils Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform In Response To Corruption Allegations +Facebook, Twitter Executives Testify To Congress About Russian Election Meddling +Beyoncé Begins Painful Surgical Transformation To Prepare For Role In Live-Action ‘Lion King’ Remake +Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt To Toss Robert Mueller From Roof +Kevin Spacey Responds To Assault Allegations By Seeking Treatment For Homosexuality +Purina Debuts New ‘Slovenly Feast’ For Nasty-Ass Shelter Cats +Excitement Shifts To Concern After Coworker Brings Baked Goods Into Office For Fourth Consecutive Day +Tips For Getting Organized +Study: Regular Pot Smokers Have More Sex +White House Staff Frantically Shredding Trump Campaign Aides +Houston Residents Admit World Series Win Won’t Heal Hurricane-Ravaged City As Much As Super Bowl Win Would +Netflix Suspends ‘House Of Cards’ Over Kevin Spacey Assault Allegations +UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Is Immediately Suspending Production On Our Basketball Infographic Video Directed By Brett Ratner +UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Halted Production On Our Travel Tips Video Narrated By Jeremy Piven +‘The Onion’ Is Canceling Our 15-Second Web Video Featuring Kevin Spacey +Trump Boys Attempting To Tunnel From South Lawn To FBI Headquarters To Free Paul Manafort From Custody +Office Bad Boy Sees Right Through Team-Building Exercise +Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going +Climate Change Threatening Global Coffee Crops +Styrofoam To Spend Next 500 Years Reflecting On How Well It Protected Blender In Transport +Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s Eve +Pentagon Has U.F.O. Hunting Program +Twitter Begins Banning Threatening Accounts +Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man +Child Who Just Wanted Clothes Spares Uncle’s Feelings By Pretending To Like Xbox +Most Popular Passwords Of Year Include '123456' 'password' +Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife +FDA Approves Gene Therapy For Inherited Blindness +It’s A Sad State Of Affairs When We Can’t Even Refer To Every Holiday As Christmas +Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce +Man Wondering When ‘Ocean's 8’ Trailer Going To Show Film’s Protagonist +Crazed, Froth-Mouthed Mother Demands Grandchildren Now +Fox News Ends Year With Top Ratings +Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Stepson’s Good Side +Disney Debuts Animatronic Donald Trump In Hall Of Presidents +Study Finds Fewer Millennials Want To Live +Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class +Cardinal Law Canonized Following Miracle Of Escaping Criminal Prosecution +GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans +Free Couch Sitting On Curb For Months +Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars +Scientists Say Japanese Monkeys Having Sexual Interactions With Deer +10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone +Pope Francis Celebrates 81st Birthday With Extra-Large Pizza Pie +Study Finds Chickens Would Have No Qualms About Caging, Eating Humans +I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Watch Another Brett Ratner Movie Again +Man Worried New ‘Jumanji’ Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995 +Russian Agent Disgusted With Things He Forced To Do To Pass Self Off As Reddit Commenter +Final Season Of 'House Of Cards' Will Star Robin Wright +Prego Marketing New Marinara As ‘The Premiere Sauce For The #MeToo Moment’ +'The Last Jedi' Has Second-Biggest Opening Of All Times +Area Man Remembers Less Politically Correct Time When Christmas Was About Honoring The Glory Of Saturn +Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty +Boss’s Sexual Harassment A Lot More Cautious Lately +92% Of Area Woman’s Holiday Recipes Involve Pulverizing Bag Of Oreos +‘Man Flu’ May Be Real Disease, Scientist Says +Stepson Absolutely Nailing Jeopardy Category About Third Reich +Astronomers Scan Mysterious Interstellar Object For Signs Of Extraterrestrial Life +Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot +Silicon Valley Startup Seeks To Change The Way Women Flee Tech Industry +Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam +Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie +CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct +Giant Penguin Roamed Earth Millions Of Years Ago +Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test +Omarosa To Leave White House +God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back +Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox +Estée Lauder Expedition Stumbles Upon Frozen Remains Of Previous Party Sent To Retrieve Rare Moisturizing Herb In The Himalayas +Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month +New ‘Star Wars’ Film Once Again Disappoints Die-Hard Nien Nunb Fans +Former Facebook Exec Says Website Tearing Apart Fabric Of Society +Report: GOP Tax Bill Supported By Majority Of Americans Currently Suffocating Wealthy Benefactor With Pillow +Children Starting To See Through Dad’s Claim That DoubleTree Hotel Part Of Disney Resort +Apple Acquires Shazam +DNC Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Alabama’s Working-Class White Voters +KitchenAid Unveils New All-Terrain Rolling Pin +Bitcoin Surge In First Day Of Wall Street Trading +Baffled DNC Plant Roy Moore Not Sure What Else He Could Have Done To Defame Republican Party +North Korea Claims Kim Jong-Un Can Control The Weather +Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women +Report: More Elderly Improving Cognitive Function By Solving Murders +After The Election, We All Had To Change The Way We Approached Magic +Unpatriotic Man Does Not Maintain Erection During National Anthem +Pope Francis Suggests Changing Words To ‘Lord's Prayer’ +Man Can’t Wait To Find Out If Millennium Falcon Gets Out Of That Tunnel +Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way +Dictionary.com Names 'Complicit' As Word Of The Year +MTA Officials Assure New Yorkers That Today’s Subway Will Run Just As Fucked Up As Normal +Emporia, Kansas Named Best Small Town In America To Escape From +Time Capsule Discovered In Rear End Of Jesus Statue +Study Finds Controlling, Possessive Behavior Most Pure Expression Of Love +Australian Politician Asks Partner To Marry Him During Same-Sex Marriage Debate +Bitcoin Plunge Reveals Possible Vulnerabilities In Crazy Imaginary Internet Money +Panicked Donald Trump Jr. Tries To Cover Up Contact With WikiLeaks By Deleting Firefox Icon From Desktop +New GOP Tax Plan Requires Welfare Recipients To Apply For Each Individual Piece Of Food +Recording Academy Reminds Aging Musicians To Die Before December 15 To Be Included In 2017 Grammy Tributes +Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment +New NFL Safety Rule Requires Players To Be Careful +Woman With Transplanted Uterus Gives Birth For First Time In U.S. +NFL Revokes Roger Goodell’s New Contract After He Fails Physical +Time Magazine Names #MeToo 'Silence Breakers' As Person Of The Year +Bel-Air Homeowners Association Issues Fine To Resident With Unapproved Wildfire In Front Yard +Al Franken: ‘I’m Deeply Sorry For My Hilarious Actions’ +Report: 83% Of Player Pianos Set Off By Gunfight +God Reveals Jerusalem Actually Only 87th Holiest Site On Earth +Ohio State Self-Reported Secondary Violations They Just Assume Currently Happening +Study Finds Man Starting ‘Analyze This’ During Flight To Boston Currently Happiest Person In America +Doctors Stumped By Man's 'Do Not Resuscitate' Tattoo +Beijing Restaurants Sells Out Of North Korean Beer After Sanctions Take Effect +Russian Olympic Coach Gently Breaks News To Hulking 200-Pound Gymnast That She Won’t Be Competing In South Korea +Trump Promises U.S. Will Continue To Recognize, Preserve Palestinians' Historic Refugee Camps +Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood +‘Stranger Things’ Star Stranded In Bali +Shopping At Retail Stores Vs. Thrift Stores +FDA Confirms Psilocybin Reduces Risk Of Mindlessly Following Society’s Rules Like Fucking Lemming +Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car +Supreme Court Hears Argument On Anti-Gay Cake Shop +Ryan Zinke Comes Out In Support Of Controversial Wildfire +New RNC Ad Endorses Roy Moore: ‘He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag’ +‘I’ll Have To Obstruct One Last Thing,’ Whispers Jared Kushner Before Wrapping Gloved Hands Around Mueller’s Neck +Alabama Forced To Release Thousands Of Sex Offenders After Inmates Deny Charges +Honey, Step Aside And Let A Real Man Show You How To Build-A-Bear +Browns Encourage Dissatisfied Fans To At Least Stick It Out Until End Of Season +Morrissey To No Longer Give Print Interviews +NASA Celebrates 60th Anniversary Of Launching First Moon To Orbit Earth +Nation’s Sleep Experts Recommend Cutting Down On Strobe Light Before Bedtime +CVS To Buy Aetna For $69 Billion +FCC Chair Unveils Premium Comment Line To Fast-Track Net Neutrality Complaints For $49.99 Per Month +Couple On Verge Of Breaking Up Has Mind-Blowing Aquarium Visit +Royal Scandals Throughout History +‘Football Saved My Life,’ Says Man Who Will Be Left Paralyzed By Sport +Man With 3 Kids Going To Make Great Father Someday +World-Class Sushi In Newark Airport +God Announces Plans To Take A Few Millennia To Focus On Storms +Negligent Oaf Sloppily Packs Away Board Game Without So Much As A Thought To Future Players +Flynn Pleads Guilty To Lying To FBI, But, Worst Of All, Lying To Himself +‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation +Tesla Builds World's Biggest Battery In Australia +Glitch In Country Allows Citizens To Temporarily Walk Through Tables +Reindeer Massacre In Norway +Leah Remini Rediscovers Her Faith In Scientology After Going Through Difficult Point In Life +Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign Logo Before Sundown +‘Please Hold While I Send You Through To Mr. Gilmore,’ Says Jim Gilmore Inside Empty Campaign Office +Jets Cheerleaders Awarded $325,000 In Settlement +Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall +Retreating Clinton Campaign Torches Iowa Town To Slow Advance Of Sanders Volunteers +Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear +Area Man’s Back Aching After Bad Night’s Sleep, 58 Continuous Years Of Horrible Posture +Security Experts Warn Against Smart Appliances +Google Algorithm Beats Board Game Champion +Woman Probably Just Made Up Rape Story In Order To Get Threatening Emails +Concept Car Designers Struggling To Think Of Cool New Ways For Doors To Open +Uber Placing ‘Bop It’ In Cars To Deter Assault +Conspiracy Theories Mathematically Tested +Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted +Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing +5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State +Australia Weighing Independence From Britain +NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch +Female Professors Rated Lower By Students +You Might Be Surprised, But Your Unhip Ol’ Pops Actually Used To Be Quite The Meth Head +Study: Zebra’s Stripes Not For Camouflage +How Dating Sites Match Their Users +Poll Finds 68% Of Iowans Turned On By Knowledge Whole Nation Watching +Bleary-Eyed, Stuporous Houseguest Assures Host That He Slept Great +Rick Perry Endorses Ted Cruz +Jeb Bush Campaign Kicks Off 3-State Farewell Tour With Iowa Town Hall Meeting +Dogs Might Detect Human Emotions +Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns +Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday +Strongside/Weakside: Rob Gronkowski +East Coast Braces For Blizzard +Man Figured Drug Addiction Would Take Up A Lot More Free Time +Report: Mom Saw Car That Slid Off Road Into Ditch +Obama Gently Guides Michelle’s Hand As She Maneuvers Drone Joystick +World’s Largest Known Prime Number Found +Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School +Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner +Possible Ninth Planet Found In Solar System +Andy Reid Furious At Self For Poor Clock Management At End Of 72-Oz. Steak Challenge +Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Species Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills +Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq +Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die +CDC: Half Of U.S. Schools Teach Proper Sex Ed +Congress Allocates $90 Million To Protect Remaining Eagles Members +How To Join The Priesthood +U.S. Faces Cauliflower Shortage +Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Reluctantly Accepts Alternative Sentence Of Coaching Troublesome Youth Sports Team +How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card +First Flower Blooms In Space +34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point +Average Home Contains Hundreds Of Bug Species +Tips For Successful Campus Activism +NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes +Just A Quick Heads-Up, I’m Being Radicalized +Man Dying From Cancer Spends Last Good Day On Phone With Insurance Company +Sesame Street Moves To HBO +Tips For Proper Body Disposal +New Department Of Interior Program To Reduce Deer Population By Providing Free Condoms To Fawns +Iranian Nuclear Scientists Hurriedly Flush 200 Pounds Of Enriched Uranium Down Toilet During Surprise U.N. Inspection +Children’s Book Pulled For Flawed Depiction Of Slavery +Governor Demands To Know Which Star On American Flag Is Iowa’s +Average Age Of New Mothers At All-Time High +Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene +Pregnant Women Advised Against Potatoes +Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign +Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet +You To Still Die One Day +Stingray Loves When Aquarium Visitors Squeal And Recoil After Touching It +Shipwreck Found In Search For MH370 +Rubio Refutes Claim He Soft On Immigration By Dragging Undocumented Worker He Knocked Out Cold Onto Stage +Huckabee Decries Obamacare’s Failure To Help Slow, Cross-Eyed Cousin Who Got Kicked By Mule +Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today +St. Louis Rams Moving To L.A. +Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit +Leonardo DiCaprio Hopes He Screamed And Cried Good Enough In ‘The Revenant’ To Win Oscar +Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay +How To Adopt A Child +New Survey Highlights Silicon Valley Sexism +Powerball Climbs To $1.5 Billion +Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation +Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes +High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself +Playboy Mansion For Sale +Obama Praises Own Strength, Resilience In Face Of Hardship During State Of The Union +Biden Urges Paul Ryan To Check Out Nude Scene From ‘Porky’s’ On Phone +Paul Ryan Quietly Doing Seated Ab Exercises Throughout State Of The Union +Signs Of Dinosaur ‘Foreplay’ Discovered +How To Arrange A Funeral +Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard +Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud! +Dolce & Gabbana Debut Hijabs, Abayas +BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game +‘Mein Kampf’ Returns To German Bookstores +Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again +Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate +Supportive Parents Encourage Child’s Interests In Anything Within 15-Minute Drive +Peyton Manning’s 14-Foot-Tall Wife Crushes Skull Of Sports Journalist Asking About HGH +Chicago Police Department To Monitor All Interactions With Public Using New Bullet Cams +Pediatricians: Screen All Children For Depression, HIV +Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie-In +White House Carefully Screening Any Gun Control Town Hall Questions That Address Obama As ‘Mein Führer’ +Nation Fondly Recalls When Just Regulating Video Games Seemed Like Solution To Gun Violence +Saudi Executioner Thinks He Pulled Something In Shoulder During Last 10 Decapitations +The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting +Parrots Observed Using Tools, Sharing +God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles +North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength +Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control +Study: Presidents Die Sooner Than Opponents +World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death +Transportation Secretary Calls For $200 Billion In Funding To Repair Nation’s Rickety Wooden Bridges +Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach +How Firearm Background Checks Work +Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws +Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas +Women In Hollywood Perfectly Okay They Not Represented Behind The Scenes Of ‘The Blacklist’ +Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise +Vatican Tour Group Catches Glimpse Of Pale, Emaciated Joseph Ratzinger Scuttling Into Dark Catacombs +Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Candidate Most Americans Want To Have 8-Ounce Glass Of Tap Water With +Baltimore Named City With Best Quality Of Pigeon Life +What You Need To Know About The Oregon Militia Standoff +Man Who Saw ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ 6 Times Over Holidays Thought It Was Pretty Good +Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party +America, China Trying To Spice Up Trade Relationship By Bringing Third Country Into Negotiations +Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face +Sale Of Gas-Fueled Cars To Be Limited By 2050 +‘Spotlight’ Wins Best Picture +Nate Silver Projects Super Tuesday Results Using Microscopic Electorate Grown In Petri Dish +Peyton Manning Fondly Recalls When Not Winning Super Bowl Was Most Damaging Part Of Legacy +‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election +Rubio Campaign Hires New Candidate In Top-Level Staff Shakeup +Graphic Play Making People Faint +Common Benefits Of Cat Ownership +Tips For Spoiling Your Cat +Leonardo DiCaprio Morphs Back Into Hairy, Overweight Iowan After Finally Receiving Oscar +SeaWorld Admits To Spying On PETA +Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman +More Realistic Meat Substitute Made From Soy Raised In Brutally Cruel Conditions +Man Makes Quick Call To Parents So Next Week’s Call To Ask For Money Doesn’t Seem That Bad +Massachusetts To Establish Rattlesnake Colony +Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg +Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response To Moderator’s Question About Why His Face So Fucking Infuriating +U.S. Students’ Toy Boat Washes Ashore In Wales +Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse +Doctors Recount Difficult Procedure To Separate Conjoined Splash Brothers At Birth +Tips For Hosting An Oscar Party +Most Best Actress Winners Play Wives +Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign Headquarters +Caffeine Bracelet Acts As Coffee Substitute +Peyton Manning Tirelessly Studying Footage Of Athletes Denying Allegations +Report: Mom Going To Need You To Pitch In Around House After Her Procedure +Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit +Pollution Could Pose Greater Risk For Obesity +Woman Struggling To Contort Dreams, Ambitions Into Shape Of Dental Technician +Judge Rules Against Kesha In Lawsuit +I’m Your Classic Case Of Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Little Ring Bearer Boy +WhooshSnaps.biz Committed To Protecting Users’ Personal Information +Browns Front Office Worried They Completely Botched NFL Combine Interview +NASA Sees Record Number Of Astronaut Applications +Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs +‘Jeopardy’ Bans Canadian Contestants +The Case For And Against Prayer In Public Schools +Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home +Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth +Rick Pitino Reminds Players Door To Sex Dungeon Always Open +Male Students Overestimate Male Classmates +Clinton Credits Nevada Victory To Inescapable, Pitch-Black Tide Of Fate +Married Couples Have Similar Immune Systems +Jaguars, Raiders Hold Postseason Exhibition Game In London +Census Study Finds Thousands Of Undocumented Immigrants Living Inside U.S. Border Wall +Takeout Burrito Shielded From Cold As Though It Were Week-Old Newborn +‘I Can’t Do This Again,’ Shaking, Sweating Donald Trump Says After Nervously Vomiting Before Rally +Family At Restaurant Reminds Grandma What Food She Likes +Grated Cheese Found To Contain Wood Pulp +Millennials Consume The Most Wine +Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development +Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement +Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity +Tips For Getting Out Of Debt +Powerless Buster Olney Knows Every MLB Team’s Biggest Needs But Can Do Nothing To Address Them +Sighing A Life-Sustaining Reflex +Area Dad Concerned He’s Running Out Of Family Photos To Digitize +Cat Obesity On The Rise +Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss +Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full +Sweetie, As You Get Older, Your Body Becomes More Shameful +Meth Found Hidden Inside Bras, Art Supplies +Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut +Top Advantages Of Ditching Cable +How Supreme Court Justices Are Chosen +3D Printer Can Make Human Body Parts +Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring +Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found +Detroit Begs Nation To Just Give It Something, Anything, To Manufacture +India Reclassifies Peacock As Vermin +Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Gives Man Idea To Be Genius Of Some Sort +Obama Compiles Shortlist Of Gay, Transsexual Abortion Doctors To Replace Scalia +Justice Scalia Dies +Teachers Misinform Students On Climate Change +Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage +Moderator Asks Candidates To Be Specific When Describing Hellscape Country Will Become If They Not Elected +Neanderthal DNA Linked To Modern Disorders +Clinton Aide Told To Leave Behind Weak Volunteer Who Collapsed During March To South Carolina +Disillusioned Museum Admissions Employee Doesn’t Even Believe Own Annual Membership Pitch Anymore +What Your Cable Bill Pays For +Romantic Comedies Normalize Stalker Behavior +PBS Moderators Spend First 10 Minutes Of Debate Asking Candidates For Fundraising Advice +Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet +Twitter Launches Anti-Troll Initiative +Jeb Bush Assures Pipe-Wielding Thugs He’ll Have The Delegates He Promised Them By Next Week +Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man +How To Talk To Your Child About Divorce +Light Exposure Could Help With Jet Lag +Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin +2015 Shark Attacks Set New Record +Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle +High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness +Tips For Studying Abroad +New French Law Curbs Food Waste +Broncos Follow Super Bowl Parade Route Through Treacherous Rocky Mountain Pass +Orangutans Might Play Games With Zoo Guests +Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around +What’s At Stake In New Hampshire +FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy +Demoralized Jeb Bush Succumbs To New Hampshire Heroin Epidemic +BMI Not An Accurate Measure Of Health +New Hampshire Covered In Shadow As Floating Clinton Campaign Headquarters Takes Up Position Over State +New York To ‘Shut Off’ Niagara Falls +Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process +Grandma Happy To Babysit While Couple Desperately Attempts To Rekindle Relationship +Oxford Apologizes For Sexist Definition +Peyton Manning Declares He Has At Least One More Surgery In Him +Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win +Area Dad Spends Super Bowl Looking Regretfully At Son Who Wasn’t Allowed To Play Football +Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System +Surviving Members Of First Championship Team Honored During Puppy Bowl Halftime +Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket +Nervous Peyton Manning Feeling Better After Vomiting Blood Before Game +Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes +NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl +Tale Of How Woman Started Making Earrings Out Of Scrabble Tiles Even More Spellbinding Than Anticipated +Christie Describes ISIS As Grave, Towering, Meaty Threat To U.S. While Staring At Diner Patron’s Corned Beef Sandwich +Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority +What You Need To Know About The Zika Virus +Microsoft Testing Underwater Data Centers +Donald Trump Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize +Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform +CDC: Women Should Only Drink While On Birth Control +‘No One Will Push You Into Running For President,’ Jeb Bush Softly Whispers Before Tucking In Sleeping Grandson +Wade Phillips Wondering Why Big Egg On Top Of Lombardi Trophy +Police Training Eagles To Hunt Drones +Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear +Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit +Wealthy Donors Pump Millions Into Sanders’ Campaign In Last-Ditch Effort To Destroy His Credibility +Lady Gaga To Sing At Super Bowl +Aerosol Can Surprisingly Upfront About Giving You Cancer +Researchers Announce They Don’t Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women +FBI Counterterrorists Launch Media Campaign Downplaying Symbolic Value Of Golden Gate Bridge +Zika Virus Joins Lack Of Paid Leave, Unaffordable Child Care As Reasons Woman Afraid Of Getting Pregnant +Gene Editing Experiments To Begin In Britain +Advisors Hopeful Jeb Bush Finally Has Momentum To End Campaign +‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer +Facebook, Instagram Ban Private Gun Sales +Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far +Financial Advisor Recommends Keeping One Bullet In Chamber Just In Case +Teacher Wins ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Lawsuit +New Barbie Released In Curvy, Petite Forms +Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match +God Admits He Was In Pretty Bad Place While Creating Universe +How The Iowa Caucuses Work +Corporation Wants Media Company Making Branded Entertainment To Just Have Fun With It +White Actor Cast As Michael Jackson In Upcoming Film +Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On +North Carolina Residents Terrified After Hearing State Passed New Law +Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For +Posture Could Dictate Success In Online Dating +Fracking Causing Earthquakes Across U.S. +World Wildlife Fund Publishes Photo Of What Species Last Seen In 1987 Might Have Evolved To Look Like +Report: Most Effective Marketing Technique Still Giving Out Little Versions Of Product +Obama Announces Plan To Store Nation’s Extra Stuff In Large Plastic Crate +How Virtual Reality Will Change Our Lives +Mom Thinks You’d Enjoy Restaurant She Can’t Remember Name Of Right Now +Secret Service Bans Guns From RNC +Teens Arrested For Threatening Trump +Ted Cruz Opens Up To Town Hall Audience About Early Days As Larva Feeding On Porcupine Carcass +New Religious Freedom Bill Gives Small Business Owners Right To Annul Any Gay Marriage +How Political Polling Works +Secretary Of Treasury Announces Plan To Remove Gross Penny From Circulation +Man Worried Harassing Messages He Sending On Dating App Getting Lost Among Abuse From Other Guys +Alaska Volcano Erupts +Tribeca Pulls Anti-Vaccine Film +Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General +How To Discuss Politics With Your Loved Ones +Children Trampled At Easter Egg Hunt +Department Of Interior Brings Down Derelict Rainbow With Controlled Demolition +Report: Freezers In Healthy Choice Corporate Offices Probably Stocked With Every Kind Of Healthy Choice You Could Imagine +Urban Birds Smarter, Heartier Than Rural Birds +Top 5 Signs You Have A Sophisticated Palate +Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung +Bookshop Bans ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Donations +Mattel Releases New Male Barbie To Inspire Girls To Imagine Holding Highest Leadership Positions +Alarming U.N. Report Finds World Lost 40 Million Acres Of Personal Space Last Year +Report: Most Parents Willing To Entrust Children To Anyone In Character Costume +Scientists Slowly Reintroducing Small Group Of Normal, Well-Adjusted Humans Into Society +U.S.S. Conestoga Found 95 Years After Disappearance +Prairie Dogs Found Killing Squirrels +Decades Of Breathing Really Starting To Catch Up With Chinese Man +Sudafed Introduces New Sinus Drill For Immediate Congestion Relief +Nation Comes To Halt To Watch Crane Move Massive Concrete Tube +‘Batman V. Superman’ Promotion Urges Filmgoers To Just Get This Over With +Armani To Stop Using Fur In Their Clothing +Meditation Effective Treatment For Back Pain +Defensive Clinton Campaign Releases New ‘Who Are You To Judge Me?’ Ad +Video Game Boss Thinking He Should Get Big Glowing Weak Spot On Back Checked Out +National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’ +Primary Voting Sees Near-Record Turnout +Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines +How To Turn Your Yard Into Your Own Personal Paradise +Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song +Supreme Court Declines To Hear Marijuana Case +I Was Skeptical At First, But It Turns Out Those 20 Years Of Solitary Confinement Were Exactly What I Needed +U.S.–Cuba Relations End After Obama Hit By Foul Ball At Exhibition Baseball Game +Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning +World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit +NFL To Atlanta: No Super Bowl If Anti-Gay Law Passed +A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations +China Recovering From Deforestation +Tips For Setting Up A Campsite +Mom Sits Down For Dinner 3 Months After Rest Of Family Finishes Meal +How To Cope With Getting Fired +Tips For Setting Up A Campsite +Nate Silver Defends Torture Methods Used To Make Election Projections +Salmon Fillets Contaminated With Cocaine +Alabama Textbooks Call Evolution A ‘Controversial Theory’ +Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket +Nation’s Workload To Be Completed During Timeouts Today +Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart +How To Talk To Your Child About Racism +Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow +Quitting Smoking ‘Cold Turkey’ Most Effective +Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right? +Tut’s Tomb Could Contain Hidden Chambers +New Report Reveals Kentucky Seniors Forced To Endure Brutal Hazing From Freshman Players +GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting Up +Obama Receives Classified Briefing On Likelihood Of ‘Krull’ Reboot +Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns +Merrick Garland Kind Of Uncomfortable With Political Analysts Casually Pointing Out He’ll Die Relatively Soon After Nomination +Excessive Puns Could Indicate Brain Damage +New Indiana Jones Film In The Works +Defiant Mitch McConnell Holds Merrick Garland’s Severed Head Aloft In Front Of Capitol Building +Mute, Terrified Rubio Awakes To Find Self Unable To Vocalize Any Unscripted Sentiment +Man Unsure He’s Done Enough Research To Take All The Fun Out Of Making NCAA Bracket +Kasich Trying To Find Other States Where He Is Beloved Multi-Term Governor +Toddler Really Yanking On Penis, Report Wincing Sources +Nation Reaffirms Commitment To Things They Recognize +Smartphones Fail To Assist In Emergencies +Amazon Users Will Soon Pay By Selfie +Violence Erupts At Trump Rally After Supporters Clash With Protesting GOP Leaders +Precious Little Voter Needs To Feel Inspired By Candidate +Confounded Pollsters Admit There No Way Of Predicting Mercurial Behaviors Of Beguiling Female Vote +Operation: All Night Long +The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games +Younger Siblings Could Lower Obesity Risk +Sanders Impresses Florida Voters By Jumping From Hotel Balcony Into Pool +Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile +Richard Simmons Clarifies He’s Not Being Held Hostage +Poll: Ted Cruz Currently Leads Among Voters Disputing Boundaries Of Neighbor’s Yard +God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings +Students Near Planned Parenthood Drop Out Less +Zoo Koala Hunted By Wild Mountain Lion +Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances +ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video +Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity +New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends +Experts: Don’t Call Politicians Neanderthals +Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds To Deliver Closing Statement Of Campaign +‘I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues And I Need The Help Of Mental Health Professionals,’ Says Trump In Pointed Debate Comeback +American Diet Mostly ‘Ultra-Processed’ Foods +Gallup Forced To Destroy Defective Sample Group That Failed To Accurately Forecast Michigan Primary +Noam Chomsky Announces Las Vegas Residency +Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now +Parents Less Inhibited Than Children On Social Media +Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record +Jeff Bezos Unveils Rocket Project +Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again +Obama Finally Reveals Nature Of His Work To Daughters +How To Meditate +Horrified Investigators Find Unresponsive Legislative Body In Capitol Building +Study: Fear A Useful Ecological Tool +Woman Receives First Uterus Transplant In U.S. +How To Cut Down On Food Waste +Ask A Nobleman Attempting To Secure A Husband For His Least-Marriageable Daughter +Report: U.S. Parents’ Top Concern Is Child Dying From Something They Could Be Blamed For +McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac +Judge Claims Toddlers Can Defend Selves In Court +Indianapolis Sports Reporter Pours His Little Heart Out In Peyton Manning Retirement Column +World Faces Single Malt Scotch Shortage +Prima Donna Species Just Has To Have Every Part Of Natural Habitat Intact +Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them +Six Flags To Feature Virtual Reality Roller Coasters +Bloated, Rotund Bernie Sanders Reveals He Has Finished Drinking All Of Flint’s Water Supply +E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights +Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker +Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’ +Obamas To Speak At SXSW +Ben Carson Slowly Floats Away From Earth +Body Language Experts Offer Insight Into Meaning Of Marco Rubio Loudly Sobbing Throughout Debate +Fox Producers Attempt To Tire Out Aggressive Candidates Before Debate By Letting Them Run Around Outside +Bob Dylan Archives Sold To University +Obama Transformed Into 20-Foot-Tall Monster President After Being Doused With Job-Growth Chemical +Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another +Woman Stopped By TSA For Gun-Shaped Jewelry +Smiling Nation Takes Moment To Enjoy Thought Of What RNC Headquarters Like Right Now +Bin Laden’s Personal Documents Made Public +Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters +Audubon Society Reveal They’ve Only Seen, Like, 3 Birds +GOP Statisticians Develop New Branch Of Math To Formulate Scenarios In Which Trump Doesn’t Win Nomination +Governor Declares April ‘Confederate Heritage Month’ +Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results +Clinton Tosses Unpledged Superdelegate In Trunk Of Car +Urban Polling Stations Urge Voters To Immediately Get Back In Line For General Election +Justice Thomas Speaks For First Time In Decade +Ted Cruz Skyrockets In Polls After Head Permanently Sealed Within Iron Mask +Archbishop: Church Should Cut Ties With Girl Scouts +Tips For Maintaining Journalistic Integrity +Tae Kwon Do Instructor Gets Little Thrill Out Of Pairing Off Completely Mismatched 8-Year-Olds +Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber +Judge: Prince Had No Will +U.S. Census Report Finds Some Poor Fuck Named Kip +Crops Begin Emerging From Farmlands Across Nation As Monsanto CEO Slowly Raises Arms +Yale Keeps Protested Dorm Name +‘Run! Run And Never Look Back!’ Whispers Heidi Cruz While Hugging Carly Fiorina On Rally Stage +Cruz Picks Fiorina As Potential VP +Ted Cruz Names This Fuckin’ Lady—Remember Her?—As VP Pick +EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain +Cubs Fans Cautiously Optimistic After Jake Arrieta Throws 8th No-Hitter, Team Scores Over 30 Runs For 12th Consecutive Game +New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations +Dogs Distressed By Hugging +ISIS Documents Reveal Financial Strain +Report: Only 893,000 News Stories To Go Until 2016 Election Over +Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters +Pope Francis: Happiness Cannot Be ‘Downloaded’ +Officials Starting To Think School Just Not Nation’s Thing +Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet +Man On Rolling Swivel Chair Pushes Away From Desk Like Blue Angel Breaking Formation +Study: Music Improves Babies’ Speech +Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency +Follow Me If You Want To See The Real Knott’s Berry Farm +‘First-Night Effect’ Explains Poor Sleep In New Places +Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do +Cruz, Kasich Align To Stop Trump +How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump +Coworker Wondering If Anyone Interested In Laying Bare Their Physical Shortcomings In Basketball League This Year +Man Wearing Sunglasses Upside Down On Back Of Head Still Recovering From Paul Walker’s Death +Study: Cities Have Unique ‘Bacterial Fingerprints’ +Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season +Nation Celebrates Earth Day +Out-Of-Control Angel Kills Dozens Of Bystanders At Vatican Air Show +Monaco Residents Terrified To Walk Through Penthousing Projects +‘Game Of Thrones’ Fan Rewatching Past Episodes To Remind Self Of What Characters’ Breasts Look Like +Bible Will Not Become Tennessee’s State Book +How To Prepare For Competition +Queen Elizabeth Turns 90 +Nation Too Sad To Fuck Even Though It’s What Prince Would Have Wanted +Curt Schilling Quietly Relieved He No Longer Needs To Censor Self For 3 Hours Once A Week +Who Is Queen Elizabeth II? +Public Assured Escaped Convict Has 24 Years Of Rehabilitation Under His Belt +Guy At Gym Has Precious Little Diary To Keep Track Of All His Exercises +Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery +Utah Deems Pornography A Public Health Crisis +New Yorkers Cower As Clinton Victory Speech Reverberates Across Entire State +Cold Lab Mice Skewing Scientific Studies +It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa +A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization +Students Watch In Sympathy As Teacher’s Humongous Ass Erases Part Of Whiteboard +Man Ashamed Of Himself After Cashier Reads Food Order Back To Him +Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels +China Bans Child Stars From Reality TV +How You Can Protect Yourself Against The Zika Virus +Treasury To Keep Hamilton, Remove Jackson From Currency +Ted Cruz Asks Central Park Hansom Cab Driver How Much It Costs To Whip Horse For An Hour +Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent +Charles Barkley Insists Today’s Fans Couldn’t Win Contests During Tougher ’90s-Era NBA Halftimes +Clinton Takes Campaign Staff To Little Hole-In-The-Wall Financial Institution Not Many People Know About +Man Happy To Set Up Job Interview For Fraternity Brother He Once Forced To Drink Own Piss +Bed Bugs Getting Stronger, More Resilient +Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising +Clinton Reminds New Yorkers She Moved There Hoping Career Dreams Would Work Out Too +Man Removed From Flight For Speaking Arabic +Report: None Of The 31 Americans Qualified To Be President Running This Year +Japan Developing ‘Invisible Train’ +New Study Finds Humans Experience Greatest Feelings Of Joy When Pushing ‘Skip Ad’ Button +Obama Reminds Nation That He’s Taking Personal Day Next Friday +How To Handle Parenting Disagreements With Your Partner +Surgery Live-Streamed For VR Headsets +Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence +FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner +Man Humiliated By Wi-Fi’s Poor Behavior In Front Of Guests +Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster +Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms +Tiger Population Increases For First Time In 100 Years +Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Who’s Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At Midnight +Hillary Clinton Clearly Tailoring Debate Answers To Unclaimed New York Superdelegate +Octopus Escapes New Zealand Aquarium +Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window +World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas +How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression +Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy +Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process +Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant +Man Ready To Believe Any Statistic About How Good Warriors Were This Season +‘Textalyzer’ To Measure Distracted Driving +Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office +ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change +Tips For Growing Your Own Vegetable Garden +No One In Family Sure Who Trip To Arboretum Is Geared Toward +Nate Silver Blinded By Gods For Seeking Forbidden Knowledge Of Future +Smokers Face Tougher Job Search +‘Dog Whisperer’ Cleared Of Animal Cruelty Charges +The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws +Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life +Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report +Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God +Social Media Etiquette For New Parents +Springsteen Cancels NC Concert To Protest Anti-LGBT Law +How The Candidates Are Luring Delegates +Jordan Spieth’s Family To Wait A Few Days Before Asking Him What The Fuck Happened +New Altar Boy Clearly Not Ready For Spotlight Of 10 A.M. Sunday Mass +Elderly Man Who’s Outlived Wife By 8 Years Must Not Have Loved Her Very Much +Senate Won’t Prevent Airlines From Shrinking Seats +Clinton Campaign Treasurer Crushed To Death After Stack Of Campaign Funds Topples Over +‘American Idol’ Ends 15-Year Run +Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials +Nation Finds Solace In Knowledge Candidates Taking Years Off Own Lives By Running For President +Dog Talent Agency Represents Famous Pets +Jim Nantz Sitting In Corner Of Augusta Clubhouse Locker Room Watching Golfers Change +Tips For Maintaining Your Social Life As A New Parent +Communists Seek Copyright For Red Star +Rangers Disgusted By Prince Fielder Leaving Chewed-Up Bats All Over Dugout +Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles +Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric +The Pros And Cons Of Attending College +Kasich Privately Worried He’ll Never Have Charisma Necessary To Incite Supporters To Violent Frenzy +Department Of Transportation Introduces Padded Bumper Lane For Intoxicated Drivers +Vanilla Shortage Could Raise Ice Cream Prices +Versailles Building Luxury Hotel +New Royal Caribbean Cruise Just 12-Day Buffet On Floor Of Empty Dockside Warehouse +Subway Manager Disgusted By Sight Of Cold Cut Combo Devouring Large Rat +Struggling Nation Sends Middle Class To Go Live With Canadian Government For A While +Introverts React More Negatively To Typos +Ancient Human Sacrifices Reinforced Hierarchy +How Coastal Cities Are Preparing For Climate Change +Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause +You Don’t Get To Be As Old As I Am Without Knowing A Few Things About Basic Shapes And Colors +Tech Company Develops Chewable Coffee +Tips For Male Bonding +Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game +Panama Papers Reveal Widespread Tax Evasion +Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid +What You Need To Know About The Women’s Soccer Equal Pay Controversy +Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding +Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’ +God Admits He Way Less Strict With Last Few Billion Children +New Method Accurately Measures THC In Edibles +Study: Arachnophobia Causes Spiders To Look Bigger +‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive +How A Contested Convention Would Work +Failure To Get Into Private College To Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life +Oculus Rift Released +Facebook, Twitter Helping EU Combat Hate Speech +Library Of Congress Adds ‘No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith’ To National Motörhead Registry +Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact +The TSA’s Plans For Improvement +Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt +God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism +Anti-Choice Groups Targeting Women Via Smartphones +‘Keurig For Pot’ In The Works +Elton John, Vladimir Putin Cancel Meeting +Coworker Loudly Typing Away Like 1930s Cub Reporter Chasing Hot Lead +Helpful Museum Map Highlights Exhibits Visitors Don’t Have To Feel Too Bad About Skipping +Nation’s Overthinkers Convene To Determine What That’s Supposed To Mean +Number Of Millennials Living At Home Reaches 130-Year High +Brazen Man Leaves Copy Of ‘Consent To Kill’ By Vince Flynn Unattended In Coffee Shop While Going To Bathroom +Report: 70% Of Trump Endorsements Made After Staring At Bedroom Ceiling For 4 Hours +Most Americans Avoid Clinical Trials +Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe +Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather +Man Forced To Venture Pretty Far Into Wilds Of Internet To Have Opinion Confirmed +Korean Ice Cream Bar Combats Hangovers +Angelina Jolie Becomes College Professor +Knocked-Out Secret Service Agents Wake To Realize Jimmy Carter Loose +Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public +Friends, Family Admit They Expected Man’s Mental Breakdown To Look Completely Different +Squid, Octopus Populations On The Rise +Man’s Garbage To Have Much More Significant Effect On Planet Than He Will +Adults Born Premature Have Lower Income, Fewer Partners +How To Teach Your Children Money Management +Nation Unable To Recall If Trump Said He’d Personally Fund Abortion Bombings Or If That Just Sounds Right +If I Could Be Just Completely Honest For A Second, I Believe Exactly What You Believe +Female WWII Pilots To Be Buried At Arlington +The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race +Balloons Trigger White House Lockdown +Family Knows Not To Interrupt Dad While He’s Skimming Pool, Listening To Orioles Radio Broadcast +Report: Nobody Fucking Cares +Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise +Man Googling ‘Tender Lump On Neck’ About To Begin Exciting New Phase In Life +Native Americans Not Offended By Redskins Name +Google’s ‘Human Flypaper’ Would Protect Pedestrians +Hillary Clinton Sets Personal Single Rep Squat Record While Watching Bernie Sanders On Gym TV +Family Thought Grandfather Might Enjoy Watching Worst Little League Game Imaginable +Nation Dreading Next 6 Months Of Watching Candidates Trying To Relate To It +Biden Quietly Asks Obama To Pick Him Up Some Of Those Real Throwing Stars From Japan +Summer Will Set New Record For Air Travel +Military Apologizes After Drone Strike Intended For Yemeni ISIS Base Accidentally Hits West Palm Beach Wedding +California Eases Water Restrictions +Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source +Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki +Widower Just Doesn’t Have Energy To Waltz With Dead Wife’s Dress Tonight +Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider +Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque +J.K. Rowling Defends Trump’s Free Speech +Tips For First Date Conversation +Judge Orders Desegregation Of Mississippi School +Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman +How To Prepare A Will +‘Look At All The Tiny Houses,’ Whispers Trump As Jet Reaches 10,000 Feet +Wealthy Socialite Falling For Unrefined But Beautiful Lower-Class Populace +British Royals Launch Mental Health Initiative +Ayahuasca Shaman Dreading Another Week Of Guiding Tech CEOs To Spiritual Oneness +NBA To Display Advertisements On Jerseys +Cover Letter Writing Tips +Quick Question: What Am I Supposed To Be Doing Right Now? +Pfizer Blocks Use Of Drugs In Executions +Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding +Florida Sinkhole Reveals Prehistoric Fossils +Mom Wants To Know If The People Who Live In Your Apartment Building Are Nice +New Audubon Report Finds 78% Of Female Birds Sexually Harassed By Stranger Exposing Colorful Plumage +Senator From Troubled Home State Repeatedly Acting Out In Congress +Mobile App To Revolutionize Way Users Waste Time, Money +2-Hour Meeting Spent Thinking Up Hashtag Absolutely Nobody On Planet Earth Will Ever Use +Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot +‘Frozen’ Fans Demand Gay Character +Signature Wedding Cocktail Provides Guests With Another Thing To Quietly Make Fun Of +George Zimmerman Auctions Off Gun Used To Kill Trayvon Martin +Aging Succubus Lowering Standards For Men Ever Since She Turned 40,000 +Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional +Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets +Obama To Visit Hiroshima +Google Proposes Professional Female Emoji +Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard +‘Second Skin’ Could Make Wrinkles Disappear +Biologists Discover Billions Of Missing Bees Living Anonymously In Sacramento +Krispy Kreme Sold For $1.35 Billion +Tim Duncan Sternly Reminds Spurs About Maximum Occupancy Limit Of Locker Room +U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Soapy Bo Obama Jumps Up On Secretary-General +Teacher Empathy Improves Learning +A Timeline Of Transgender Rights In America +Donald Trump Rift Not What Paul Ryan Needed In Middle Of 14-Day Cleanse +Study: Average Person’s Life Plan Can Only Withstand 25 Seconds Of Direct Questioning +Mysterious Benefactor Leaves Coupon Book To Dozens Of Local Establishments In Man’s Mailbox +Deep Voices Evolved To Scare Enemies +Carson Wentz Hoping To Just Skip To Part Where He’s Respected Veteran Backup QB +Herpes Administered To Invasive Fish +Poll Finds Many Voters Would Support Equally Unlikable Third-Party Candidate +NYC Protects Pregnant Women’s Right To Drink +Michael Phelps’ Fiancée Gives Birth To Healthy 6-Pound Tadpole +Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College +Parents’ Password A Grotesque Combination Of Children’s Names, Birthdays +Popular New Dating App Just List Of 20 Attractive Singles To Repeatedly Scroll Through +Chinese Astronomers Inform Beijing Residents Sky Will Be Visible For Rare 2-Minute Window Tomorrow Morning +Medical Error Among Leading Causes Of Death +Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby +‘Bang, Bang,’ Bored White House Sniper Whispers To Self With Random Tourist’s Head In Crosshairs +Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time +ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho +Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail +Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest +‘Project Include’ Tackling Tech’s Diversity Issues +Poll: Teens Addicted To Smartphones +Budget Travel Tips +Republican Establishment Quietly Relieved Party No Longer Their Responsibility +Trump Supporter Still Planning On Rioting At National Convention Anyway +13-Year-Old Excited To Learn Unemployed Older Brother Forced To Move Back Home After College +Kennedy Space Center Displays Suit Worn By Buzz Aldrin While Lobbying For NASA Funding +‘Hamilton’ Sweeps Tony Nominations +Conclusion Of Draft Marks Last Time Coach To Ever Scrutinize Player’s Character +Journalism Style Tips +Tour Guide Always Builds In 10 Minutes For Everyone In Group To Mount Cannon Like Horse +Nation Was Kind Of Hoping For Different Outcome When Concerned Citizens Came Together To Make Voices Heard +Cruz, Kasich Exit Race +Report: Well, Here We Go +Assault Rifle In Iraq Losing Track Of How Many Times It’s Switched Sides During War +Senator Can’t Believe He Has To Come In On A Wednesday +Woman Sues Starbucks Over Amount Of Ice In Drinks +Thousands Of Cheering Americans Packed Into Park For Ted Cruz Concession Speech +Couple Spends Morning At Farmers Market Verbalizing Everything That Comes Into Field Of Vision +Iconic Iwo Jima Photo Under Investigation +Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin +Facebook’s Plans For The Future +Malia Obama Selects Harvard, Opts For Gap Year +Woman Deriving Some Sort Of Sick Pleasure From Healthy New Diet, Lifestyle +Playground Injuries On The Rise +Premier League On Leicester City Title: ‘Order Will Soon Be Restored’ +Extra Leicester Police Being Deployed To Join In With Celebrating Leicester City Fans After Title Win +Disappointing Prince Vaults Found To Contain 37,000 Hours Of Billy Joel Covers +The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year +God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers +Phillie Phanatic Inducted Into Italian American Sports Hall Of Fame +Report: 750,000 Americans Die Each Year During First Attempt To Get Back In Shape +University Criticized For Cheerleading Posters +Man Not Sure Why Girlfriend Having Him Hang Cluster Of Empty Picture Frames But Willing To Go With It +Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek +Cats Understand Laws Of Physics +Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie +Tips For Handling Social Anxieties +Man Driving While Making YouTube Video To Explain How PC Culture Destroying America +‘Five-Second Rule’ Disproven +Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand +Robot Programmed To Feel Pain +70% Of Earth Can’t See Milky Way +Hillary Clinton Bowls Over Catcher To Score Winning Run In Campaign Staff Softball Game +Black Mark On Birth Control Manufacturer’s Record Weighs In At 7 Pounds, 6 Ounces +Queen Elizabeth Screaming At Stockbroker To Dump Everything +Americans Confused By System Of Government In Which Leader Would Resign After Making Terrible Decision +Britain Votes To Leave EU +Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup +Trump Raises $50 Million At Fundraiser Where GOP Donors Get To Watch Him Weep For 2 Hours +Facebook Pays $50 Million For Live Celebrity Videos +The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action +Jaguar Killed In Olympic Torch Relay +The Case For And Against The U.K. Leaving The E.U. +Cash-Strapped Trump Forced To Replace Eric Trump With Cheap Migrant Son +Sitting Inside Cardboard Box The Safest 6-Year-Old Will Feel For Remainder Of Life +Retailers Routinely Overcharging For Bridal Wear +NYC To Require Access To Free Tampons +Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot +Reince Priebus Smiles, Shakes Head While Flipping Through Old Briefing On GOP’s Plans For 2016 +Trump’s Potential VP Picks +NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team +Apple Opposes Bill Protecting Users’ ‘Right To Repair’ +Free Meals Sway Doctors To Prescribe More Name Brands +Frustrated Nation Out Of Ideas To Solve Gun Violence Problem Except For All The Obvious Ones +Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely +47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People +It Is With A Heavy Heart That I Announce I Am Having My Parents Pick Me Up Early From This Sleepover +Clinton’s Potential VP Picks +Father Showing Kids ‘Field Of Dreams’ For First Time Unaware Kevin Costner Sparking Son’s Sexual Awakening +Obama Puts Spotlight On National Parks +Dianne Feinstein Horrified After New Gun Control Bill Disintegrates Immediately Upon Crossing Into Senate Chamber +‘Finding Dory’ Sets Box-Office Record +‘It’s Hard Being Away From You All,’ Says Donald Trump While Spreading Bird Feed Around Rooftop Pigeon Coop +Creepy Older Brand Clearly Targeting Female 18-To-24-Year-Olds +John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock +Prince William Featured On Gay Magazine +Cavs Teammates Sheepishly Tell Kevin Love They’re Not Aware Of Any Postgame Parties +God Clarifies That He Still Hates Cleveland Fans Despite Cavaliers Championship +‘Hamilton’ Casts New Lead +Oh Good, Sound Of Explosion At Soccer Stadium Was Just Fan With Enormous Flare Gun +Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools +Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit +Family Mercifully Pulling Plug On Grandfather Unaware They Sending Him Directly To Hell +First Mammal Goes Extinct From Global Warming +Senate Dems Filibuster For Gun Laws +Exhausted Nation Unsure It Has Stamina To Continue Gun Control Dialogue For Fifth Consecutive Day +Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs +Wedding Guest Etiquette Tips +Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot +Led Zeppelin Sued Over ‘Stairway To Heaven’ +New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria +Coffee No Longer Considered Carcinogenic +‘There Is Beauty In Decay,’ Says Head Of Federal Highway Administration While Surveying Nation’s Crumbling Roads +CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools +NASA, UAE Collaborate On Mars Exploration +Trump Campaign Bans ‘Washington Post’ Coverage +How Colleges Can Protect Students From Assault +It’s An Honor To Continue Being Valued Over Countless Human Lives +U.N. Warns Trump May Be 7 Months Away From Acquiring Nuclear Weapons +State Department Warns Americans Traveling Abroad To Avoid Lame Amsterdam Windmill Tour +Nation Demands More Golf Highlights Where Ball Lands On Green, But Then Rolls All The Way Back Down Hill +David Copperfield To Congress: Recognize Magic As Art +Tips For Cooking With Meat +Backup Plan In Case Menu Item Out Of Stock Most Well-Thought-Out Part Of Man’s Life +Tyson Foods Executives Assure Critics Their Chickens Physically Incapable Of Walking Even If They Had Room +Obama Endorses Clinton For President +Frustrated Obama Writes Letter To His Congressman About Need For Gun Control +At Times Like This, We Need To Pull Ourselves Up, Hold Our Loved Ones Close, Block Any Legislation That Would Prevent Suspected Terrorists From Buying Guns, And Say A Prayer For The Victims +Concerned NRA Official Rushes Out To Purchase Congressman Following Mass Shooting +Nation Wishes It Could Just Once Be Reminded Of Preciousness Of Life Without Mass Shooting +Report: FDA Too Slow To Recall Food +7-Year-Old Unable To Maintain Single Cohesive Storyline While Playing With Action Figures +NHL Admits It Has No Idea Who Guys With White Gloves Transporting Stanley Cup Are +FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Muslim Americans After Completing 15-Year Study Of Beautiful Culture +New Parenting Trend Involves Just Handing Children Bulleted List Of Things To Accomplish By 30 +Helen Mirren Testifies On Looted Nazi Art +‘Three-Person Baby’ IVF Method Deemed Safe +‘I’d Like You To Post Long, Aggressive Rants On Social Media,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Supporter’s Interpretation Of Speech +Voters Glad They Got Hope In Politicians Out Of System For Next Election Cycle Or Two +Draymond Green Able To List From Memory Every Player Drafted Before Him In NBA History +U.S. Consumer Confidence Shaken After Mom Buys Wrong Kind Of Tortilla Chips +Crowd At Trump Rally Realizes They’ve Been Chanting ‘We Are Frightened And Helpless’ For Last Half Hour +The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges +Merkel Named World’s Most Powerful Woman +Elderly Voter Never Thought She’d Get To See Female Presidential Nominee Called Heartless Ice Bitch During Her Lifetime +Fish Can Recognize Human Faces +Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom +Dubai Completes Construction On World’s First Full-Scale Replica Of Dubai +Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan +Antidepressant Medication Label Reminds Users That Pill Should Never Be Mixed With Long Look In Mirror +Mother Will Not Be Charged In Gorilla’s Death +Women More Prone To Anxiety Than Men +Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination +Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune +Upcoming Changes To Nutrition Fact Labeling +Work Life, Personal Life Both Spent Desperately Trying To Appeal To Women 18 To 34 +China Withholds Marriage Licenses From Casual Couples +Google AI Writes Original Song +Visionary Sports Columnist Asserts That Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight Wasn’t In The Ring +Dozens Of Social Issues Thankful They Never Had To Go Toe-To-Toe With Muhammad Ali +Report: Some Crazy Shit Probably Happened To Classmate Being Raised By Grandmother +Tips For Reinventing Yourself +‘Air Rage’ Triggered By First-Class Cabin +Seine Flooding Forces Closure Of Louvre +Concerned Text From Mom ​Gleefully ​Mocked Like Ramblings Of Village Idiot +New Insect Named For Justice Ginsburg +Man At Amusement Park Gets Right Back In Line For Another Funnel Cake +Saudi Arabia Invests $3.5 Billion In Uber +Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion +Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours +Man Takes Sober Moment To Reflect On Fact That Most Of Meal Already Gone +Ad Agency Apologizes For Racist Commercial +Late-Arriving Guest Encouraged To Load Up On Food Sitting In Sun For Past 4 Hours +Why America’s Violent Crime Rate Is Rising +Concussions In Children Vastly Underreported +Ice Cube Thrown Into Sink Flies Up Side Like Skateboarder Shredding Half-Pipe +The Case For And Against Zoos +New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App +Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’ +State Dept: Clinton’s Server Violated Agency Rules +Encouraging New Study Indicates Majority Of U.S. Students Can Now Recognize Math +PETA Praises ‘The Walking Dead’ For CGI Animals +Residents Of Philadelphia, Cleveland At Least Relieved They Can’t Host Another One Of These Fucking Things For Few Decades +What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns +NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite +Attempted Reagan Assassin Will Be Released +Hillary Clinton: ‘Young Girls Should Have An Equal Opportunity To One Day Feel Power Coursing Through Their Body’ +Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd +Hillary Clinton: ‘When I Was A Child, Most Special Interest Groups Wouldn’t Even Consider Donating Large Sums Of Money To A Woman’ +Chelsea Clinton: ‘My Mother Will Shape This Country Into A Strong, Independent Young Woman’ +Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech +Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot +IOC Bans Companies From Tweeting About Olympics +Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact +Trump Sick And Tired Of Mainstream Media Always Trying To Put His Words Into Some Sort Of Context +Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 4 +Bound, Gagged Joaquin Castro Horrified By What His Identical Twin Brother Might Be Doing Out On DNC Floor +San Francisco Might Tax Tech Firms To Aid Homeless +Obama: ‘Hillary Will Fight To Protect My Legacy, Even The Truly Detestable Parts’ +Tim Kaine Clearly Tuning Out In Middle Of Boring Vice Presidential Acceptance Speech +Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center +Biden Regales DNC With Story Of ’80s Girl Band Vixen Breaking Hard Rock’s Glass Ceiling +Biden Chokes Up While Describing Hardworking Americans Who Can Only Afford Shitty Ditch Weed +Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 3 +Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts +EPA To Limit Airplane Emissions +Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer +Who Is Tim Kaine? +Legal Marijuana Sees More Child Poisonings +Convention Crowd Really Hoping Bill Clinton Breaks Tension With Joke About How Terrible He Looks +Baby-Faced, Muscular Jimmy Carter Tells Democratic Convention The Future Of Medicine Is Bright +Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot +New Zealand To Purge Nation Of Rodents +Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 2 +Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life +New York To Require Ventilation At Nail Salons +Supporters Aggravated Bernie Sanders Didn’t Use DNC Speech To Get Voters To Act Against Their Own Self-Interest +Voice Coming From DNC Sound System During Sanders Address Clearly Hillary Clinton’s +‘Fear Not—She Means You No Harm,’ Says Elizabeth Warren, Revealing Docile Hillary Clinton To Crowd +Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’ +Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 1 +Revelations From The DNC Email Leak +CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection +How The IOC Plans To Address Doping +Verizon Buys Yahoo For $4.8 Billion +Georgia Rules Upskirt Photos Legal +Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death +Fox News Chief Resigns Amid Harassment Claims +ExxonMobil Vows Lenient Treatment For Any Species That Surrenders Voluntarily +Tips For Throwing The Perfect Bachelorette Party +World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation +Marilyn Monroe’s Hair To Be Sold At Auction +Man Checks To Make Sure No One Home Before Recording Song Into Laptop +Trump: ‘Remember, This Is Your Last Chance To Get Out Before This Goes Any Further’ +‘Low-Energy Jeb,’ Whispers Jeb Bush Sitting Alone In Dark Watching Televised Trump Speech +Trump Takes Moment To Thank All The Fear In Audience For Making This Night Possible +Barron Trump Sprints Off Convention Stage In Tears After Missing Note During Clarinet Solo Performance +Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 4 +New Beatles Album Announced +Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena +Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot +Austria Weighs Seizure Of Hitler’s Birthplace +Trump Accidentally Fires Off ‘Boring Mike Pence’ Tweet During VP Speech Before He Can Stop Himself +Pence Tells Emotional Story Of Longtime Friend Who Was Aborted After Second Trimester +Newt Gingrich: ‘It’s An Honor To Address A Crowd That Shares My Utterly Bizarre And Unhealthy Obsession With Hillary Clinton’ +Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech +Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing Fetuses +RNC Attendee Excited To Find Out What He’ll Get To Boo Tonight +Nurses Found Cheating Way Through School +Tips For Dealing With Roommates +Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 3 +Nate Silver Ages 40 Years After Accidentally Using Polling Projection Model On Self +‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 7 Delayed +‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech +Paul Ryan Delivers Impassioned 10-Minute Pained Facial Expression +Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 2 +Trembling, Pallid RNC Attendees Undergo Second Day Of Firearm Withdrawal +Melania Trump Accused Of Plagiarizing Michelle Obama +Curt Schilling Just Going To Assume He Has Speaking Slot At RNC +Police Outside Convention Hoping For Opportunity To Take Swing At George Washington Impersonator +Officials Unveil Plan To Convert Underused Senate Chamber Into Storage Facility +Starbucks, McDonald’s Block Porn From Wi-Fi +Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 1 +Secret Service Rooftop Sniper Team Depressed By Sprawling View Of Cleveland +Kasich Refuses To Suspend Open Carry During RNC +Nation Struggling To Keep Track Of How Far Along It Is In All Its Ongoing Grieving Processes +Report: Majority Of Statements Now Prefaced By Phrase ‘In Light Of Recent Events’ +Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors +​Report: All Standing Between Trump And Presidency Is Nation That Made Him Billionaire Celebrity +Contrarian Amazon User Completely Upends Critical Consensus On Microfiber Towels +Alzheimer’s Symptoms Could Present In Early Childhood +Trump Thinking Of Beginning RNC Speech With Sexist Tirade He Was Saving For Special Occasion +GOP Establishment Relieved After Conventionally Abhorrent Beliefs Make Way Onto Presidential Ticket +Humanity Hoping It Only Has To Put Up With Few More Millennia Of This Shit +‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters +FBI Ends Search For D.B. Cooper +Trump Campaign Selects Mike Pence As Concrete Reminder That This All Really Happening +Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp +Who Is Mike Pence? +Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule +Trump’s General Election Strategy +Clinton’s General Election Strategy +Lance Bass To Host Nation’s First Gay Dating Show +Trump Shaping General Election Strategy With Team Of Most Trusted Erratic Impulses +Monkeys’ Tools In Brazil Date Back 700 Years +Texas Requires Burial Of Fetal Tissue +KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings +Obama Signs Conservation Act To Preserve Nation’s Last Remaining Area Of Common Ground +Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices +‘Pokémon Go’ Leads To Nintendo Stock Surge +Macy’s Ordered To Stop Detaining Suspected Shoplifters +What Is Pokémon Go? +Nation Surprised It Took So Long For Primaries To Weed Out Candidate With Genuine Principles +Bernie Sanders Agrees To Drop Out Of Race In Exchange For 13-Hour Speaking Slot At Convention +‘Secretary Clinton Is A Different Person Than Donald Trump,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Ringing Endorsement +Regular On Sandy Hook Truth Forum Complaining About Recent Decline In Quality Of Discussion +Facebook Status Update Field Dreading What Area Man About To Type Into It +Twitter Decries Site That Displays Deleted Tweets +Tim Duncan Proudly Reflects On All The Degrees He Accumulated During 19-Year NBA Career +Police Chief Says There Just A Few Bad, Deeply Ingrained Prejudices Giving All Cops A Bad Name +Europe Seeks Personhood For Robots +‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted +Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife +Twitter Debuts Celebrity-Only App +Teen Had Absolutely No Say In Becoming Part Of Snapchat Generation +Middle-Aged Couple Sick Of 31-Year-Old Son Always Trying To Set Them Up With Other Parents +Teens Continuing To Elude Retailers +Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis +List Of Names On Gchat Sidebar Like A Portal Into Area Man’s Past Lives +‘I’m A Trump-Era Conservative,’ Says Horrifying Man 25 Years From Now +New Device Locks Up Smartphones At Concerts +Exercise Could Boost Memory Power +God Regrets Never Creating Any Two-Headed Snake Creatures +Synthetic Tree Removes CO2 From Air +Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler +Investigators: First 48 Hours Most Critical In Locating Missing Children Who Entered Portal To Fantastical World +Study: Dogs Recognize Human Speech, Tone +How Big-Budget Movies Flop +Precocious 4-Year-Old Already Feels Terrible About Herself +Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score +Greek Populace Woken Up At 6 A.M. By Angela Merkel’s Voice Booming Through Loudspeakers Across Country +Iran Rolls Out Own Internet Service +‘Astronauts’ Complete Mars Simulation +Mom To Boil Mouthguard Just For Herself For A Change +The Thing No One Tells You When You Become A Parent Is That NASA Is Conspiring To Overthrow The U.S. Government +College Professor Reminds Students It Will Take A Few Classes To Memorize Everyone’s Triggers +Amazon Opening Brick-And-Mortar Bookstores +Office Manager Unveils New Rule +Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God +Weiner Caught In New Sext Scandal +What Is The ‘Alt-Right’? +Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die +Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime +Dirty, Bearded Vince Foster Bursts Through Doors Of Clinton Fundraiser +Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website +Caffeine Tolerance Might Be Genetic +Pretty Decent 13th Birthday Party Taking Place At Week 3 Preseason Game +Robotic Dolls Linked To Higher Pregnancy Rate +How Obamacare Can Be Improved +Sudden Resurfacing Of File Called ‘Lyrics.doc’ A Chilling Reminder Of Life Thought Left Behind +Tyra Banks To Teach MBA Class On Personal Branding +Smithsonian Acquires Rare Photograph Where Whole Family Looks Really Nice +Nation Feels Terrible For Wife Of Little League World Series Coach +Government Slams High Cost Of EpiPens +NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities +Company Encourages Women Who Have Been Sexually Harassed To Come Forward With Resignation Letter +Encouraging Report From Radical Extremist Think Tank Finds America No Safer Since 9/11 +Incoming Class Of Subway Trainees Spends Week Practicing On Sandwich Cadavers +A Primer On Everyday Sexism +Tips For Running A Clean Campaign +Ramen Now Most Popular Prison Currency +Forbes Names Jennifer Lawrence Highest Paid Actress +Dad Thinks Son Has What It Takes To Become Embittered Alcoholic Minor League Journeyman +Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them +Justice Department To End Use Of Private Prisons +Mom Learns About New Vegetable +Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop +I Can’t Imagine My Wedding Day Without You Sitting There Uncomfortably At A Table Full Of People You Don’t Know +NASA Locates Lost Spacecraft +Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton? +New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day +Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones +Pope Francis Warns Catholics This Not Good Time To Bother God +Satellite Images Could Predict Poverty +Most Popular Conspiracy Theories +Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines +Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters? +Illinois Removes Tampon Tax +Report: Some Dumb Fuck Out There Probably Wants His City To Host Olympics Now +Media Intern Looking Forward To Moving Up At Company That Won’t Exist In 8 Months +Beauty Industry To Consumers: ‘You Like Short Hair Now’ +Twitter Deletes Pro-Terrorist Accounts +‘Keep It,’ Says Simone Biles Throwing Gold Medal To Adoring U.S. Men’s Gymnastics Team +Olympic Officials: ‘On The Whole, Only 4 Or 5 Really Terrible Things Happened’ +Half The World Will Watch 2016 Olympics +Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight +Russian Olympic Officials Concerned After Learning Team’s Clean Urine Reservoir Almost Empty +Gold Medalist Triple-Jumper: ‘It’s All About Jumping Twice, And Then Jumping One More Time’ +Rio Police Warn Olympic Runners To Avoid Miles 4 Through 23 Of Marathon Course +Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball +‘I Am Cait’ Canceled +Trump Spends Entire Classified National Security Briefing Asking About ​Egyptian ​Mummies +Ryan Lochte Now Changing Account Of Events Going Back Years Before Robbery +New Series To Investigate JonBenet Ramsey Case +How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around +NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’ +Celiac Disease Linked To Region, Season +Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest +Restaurant’s Eating Challenge Rewards Any Patron Who Can Consume Reasonably Portioned Meal +Olympic Fan Amazed By Grit And Determination Shown By Dan Patrick During Small Talk With Bob Costas +Aetna Pulls Out Of Obamacare Markets +Giddy Tim Kaine Presses Face Against Campaign Bus Window As Horse Trailer Drives By +37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band +‘I Can’t Do This Anymore,’ Think 320 Million Americans Quietly Going About Day +Fans Excited To See Amazing U.S. Basketball Team Put Together As Redemption For 2016 Olympics +How Internet Clickbait Works +More French Cities Banning Burkinis +Obama Transfers Record Number Of Detainees +Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’ +Tips For Asking Someone On A Date +American Dental Association Recommends Teeth +I Spend Every Waking Moment Holding This Fragile Facade Of A Person Together, And I’ll Do The Same For America +R2-D2 Actor Dies +Ryan Lochte Robbed At Gunpoint +Report: More American Fifth-Graders Taking Gap Year To Unwind Before Middle School +A Look At The Class Of 2020 +‘Candy Land’ Screenwriter Under Impression Fans Counting On Him To Get This Right +Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits +WWE To Include Gay Characters +Yankees Honor Retiring A-Rod With 3-Second Tribute Video +Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old +Yankees Sign A-Rod To 10-Year, $420 Million Front Office Consultant Contract +New Biblical Text Reveals God First Sent Christ To Save Elk As Practice +Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows +Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him +Capping Pollution Could Save Thousands Of Lives +Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower +Trump’s Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Can’t Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain +Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs +Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else +Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered +Book Lovers Might Live Longer +Report: Some People Actually Very Happy +‘Rugrats’ Turns 25 +Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands +How To Gain More Knowledge +Michael Phelps Proudly Describes How Infant Son Subsists Off 12,000 Calories’ Worth Of Breast Milk Per Day +Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career +Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve +‘Clock Kid’ Ahmed Mohamed Sues School +Pros And Cons Of The ‘Tiny House’ Movement +Late-Blooming Dad Just Now Getting Into Civil War History +Engineers Test Robotic Tattoo Artist +Anti-Doping Agency Unnerved By Bob Costas’ Repeated Requests To Submit Urine Sample +When Will The Idiots On The Other End Of The Political Spectrum Wake Up And Have Every One Of My Life Circumstances, Daily Interactions, And Upbringing? +Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose +Bitcoin Hackers Steal $65 Million +Tips For New Dads +Delta Grounds Flights Worldwide +NBC Details Inspirational Story Of Sponsor’s Journey To Olympics +Details Of Trump’s Economic Plan +Scientists Confirm First Case Of Zika Transmission From Article To Reader +Gifted, Passionate Student Really Stretching Limits Of School’s Resources +Five Sports Added To 2020 Olympics +Olympics Head Priestess Slits Throat Of Official Rio Mascot To Sanctify Opening Ceremony +Olympics Officials Clearly Trying To Buy More Time With 6-Day-Long Opening Ceremony Performance +Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony +Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible +Obama Declares Self Feminist +Weary Nation Happy It Gets To Watch Socio-Political Failings Of Another Country For 2 Weeks +New Poll Finds 80% Of Americans Would Just Fucking Destroy Pan Of Brownies +Ayatollah Khamenei Addresses Tehran Prison Mess Hall During Annual Press Correspondents’ Dinner +China Debuts ‘Straddling Bus’ +Latest Harry Potter Release Breaks Records +Pope Francis Beats Confession Out Of Uncooperative Catholic +Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’ +Jury Finds Man Guilty Of Murdering Wife And Children, But Gets It +Secretary Of The Interior Meekly Asks If There Anything She Can Do To Help Stop ISIS +Pope Francis Considering Female Deacons +Officials Worried Olympic Cemetery Won’t Be Completed In Time For Games +Flossing Might Not Aid Oral Health +Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes +Study: Average Person’s Enjoyment Of Vacation Drops 36% For Each Additional Family Member Present +A Timeline Of The Feminist Movement +France Stops Publishing Names, Images Of Terrorists +Report: Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall +New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System +McDonald’s To Remove Corn Syrup From Buns +How Juries Are Selected +‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow +Instagram Aims To Reduce Harassment +Tips For Giving A Best Man Speech +Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative +No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988 +‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon +Trampoline Injuries On The Rise +God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident +Amazon Sees Record Profits +Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb +Unique Ways To Prepare Chicken +Tips For Keeping Jealousy Out Of Your Friendship +Library Of Congress Completes Destruction Of 70 Million Works Deemed Culturally Insignificant +Tips For Safely Carrying Large Sums Of Cash +Challenges Of Being A Third Party Candidate +Report: Trump Conducted Illegal Business In Cuba +Jim Harbaugh Disappointed To Learn Electroshock Therapy Session Already Over +Strongside/Weakside: Trevor Siemian +Clinton Delivers Stump Speech In Moscow Warehouse In Effort To Appeal To Russian Hackers +James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer +Ban On Voting Booth Selfies Ruled Unconstitutional +Teammate Actually Trying To Do Homework During 30-Minute Period Between School, Practice +California Ends Statute Of Limitations On Sex Crimes +Tim Kaine Forced To Drink Ipecac After Eating Sheet Of ‘I’m With Her’ Stickers +Report: 38% Of Road Trips End With Burying Friend In Shallow Grave In Desert +How Fashion Trends Arise +‘Playboy’ To Feature Muslim Woman In Hijab +Measles Eliminated In North, South America +SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars +Cat Internally Debates Whether Or Not To Rip Head Off Smaller Creature It Just Met +Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate +Pope Francis Wears Miter With Faceshield To Comply With New Vatican Safety Measures +Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns +NY Residents Can Now Be Buried With Pets +Common Pitfalls Of Sudden Wealth +How Money Affects Relationships +Trump Relaxes After Debate By Slipping Back Into Nice, Warm Personal Reality +Roller Coasters Could Help Kidney Stones +Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate +How Countries Around The World View The U.S. +Woman Pieces Together Timeline Of Boyfriend’s Past Relationships Like Detective Tracking Zodiac Killer +Renamed Arena Will Always Be Verizon Wireless Amphitheater To Locals +Hopeless Resignation Receives Massive Post-Debate Bump +More Hispanic Women Treated For Breast Cancer Under ACA +Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range +Man’s Only Contribution To House Search Periodically Telling Wife He Wishes He Knew How To Help +Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate +Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses +Open-Minded Voter Waits Almost 5 Minutes Into Debate To Decide Who Won +Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reminding Audience These The Candidates They Chose +Ted Cruz Endorses Trump +New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety +Friend Really Laying Into Self For Failing To Reply To Email Sooner +Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With +How To Turn An Internship Into A Job Offer +Fitness Trackers Lead To Less Weight Loss +Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About +Golf’s Most Prestigious Championships +Little-Known Rules Of Golf +Terms To Know On The Golf Course +Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’ +South Korea Unveils Plan To Assassinate Kim Jong-Un +Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson +How To Strike It Rich +Small Town Beginning To Wonder What Taking Heroin Epidemic So Long To Get There +Ken Burns Completes Documentary About Fucking Liars Who Claimed They Watched Entire ‘Jazz’ Series +Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact +Study Confirms Link Between Holidays And Weight Gain +Chicago Adds 1,000 Officers To Police Force +Soccer Players Under Impression High School’s Football Rivalries Extend To Them Too +Gary Johnson Worried He Peaking Too Early After Hitting 9% In Polls +Most Common Methods Of Voter Suppression +Report: U.S. Students Lack Language Skills, Vocabulary To Effectively Belittle Classmates +Black Man Blissfully Unaware His Name Going To Be Hashtag By End Of Week +Applebee’s Steak Sent Back For Not Being Properly Slathered +George H.W. Bush To Vote For Clinton +Deion Sanders Recalls Starting Out As NFL Network Researcher +Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Divorce +Blindfolded Clinton Invites Debate Coaches To Attack Her With Talking Points From All Sides +Dismembered Nate Silver Found In Dumpster Behind Gallup Headquarters +Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation +Emmy Ratings Hit Record Low +I’m Single, Grieving My Husband’s Death, And Ready To Mingle +Study: 3% Of Population Owns Half Of Nation’s Guns +A Primer On North Korea +Report: Feeling Bad Right Now Most Reliable Predictor Of Feeling Bad Forever +Hate Crimes On The Rise +Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home +Internet Addiction Linked To Mental Health Issues +American Public Clarifies Rational, Measured Response To This Terror Threat Doesn’t Preclude Panicked Overreaction In Future +Islamophobe Disappointed Manhunt Over Before He Even Had Chance To Indiscriminately Vilify All Muslims +I Just Wish NFL Players Could Find A Way To Protest Without Starting A National Dialogue +Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat +Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz +Nearly Extinct Bird Found To Use Tools +Handmade Banner That Football Team Runs Through Before Game The Closest High School Comes To Supporting Arts +Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Remember Where They Were When Gandalf Fell Into Abyss +Trump Admits Obama Born In U.S. +Man Feeling Pressure To Live Up To Conversation Between Barber And Customer In Next Chair +Most Ignored Issues Of This Election Cycle +Death Row Inmate Saving Some Of Last Meal For Between Execution Attempts +Hollywood Refusing To Give Public Any New Movies Until It Can Appreciate Ones It Already Has +Benefits Of Running A Clean Campaign +Hackers Leak More Political Data +Backstory Probably Explains Why Sports Bar Has Orioles, Lakers, Bears Flags +U.S. To Boost Refugee Admittance In 2017 +Disillusioned Hacker Starting To Feel Like He Has No Impact On American Presidential Election +Who Is Gary Johnson? +The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars +Man Just Waiting Tables Until Fundamental Structure Of U.S. Economy Changes +Pastor Going On Little Spiel About Seeing How In Love Couple Are Despite Not Knowing Them For Very Long +Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work +Parents Giving Children Wrong Medicine Dosages +Wound-Up Tim Kaine Running Around Clinton Campaign Headquarters In Pajamas +Family At Beach Apparently Brought, Set Up Own Volleyball Net +Children Sue Obama Over Climate Change Inaction +Parents Into New Snack Now +Newly Redesigned HillaryClinton.com Allows Users To Fully Customize Issues Page To Suit Own Preferences +Rustic Italian Village Just Killing Time Between Wedding Feasts +Sugar Industry Shaped Public Opinion For Decades +How Animals Go Extinct +How To Name Your Fantasy Football Team +I’m Tired Of These Punks Coming Through My Neighborhood Blasting Their Late-1990s, Ghettotech, DJ Godfather–Inflected Hip-Hop +DNA Testing Might Be Phased Out +Wistful Kim Jong-Un Stumbles Onto Childhood Drawings He Made Of Nuclear Attacks On West +Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of +Clinton Diagnosed With Pneumonia +God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again +Airbnb Unveils New Anti-Discrimination Policy +Nation Just Goes Ahead And Decides ‘Freedom Prevails Over Hate’ Is Lesson Of 9/11 +Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program +‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge +Wells Fargo Fined For Opening 2 Million Fake Accounts +Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project +Giant Panda No Longer Endangered Species +Back-To-School Shopping Necessities +Liking Bitter Flavors Linked To Psychopathy +50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’ +Matt Damon Mans Warner Brothers Booth At College Campus’s Career Day +Parents Trying To Gauge If Son Complete Idiot Before Deciding Whether To Move To Better School District +Gluten-Free Diets Soaring In Popularity +Fox News Settles With Carlson Over Harassment Claims +Features Of The New iPhone 7 +Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle +Salary Question In Job Interviews Could Become Illegal +Congressman Excited To Be Working On Bill With Intern He Has Huge Crush On +Philippine President Insults Obama +Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas +Retired Security Guard Pens Open Letter To Colin Kaepernick About National Anthem +USDA Admits Weight Loss Not Possible For People Who Don’t Like Salmon +School Psychologist Crushing It In Wake Of Fatal Sports Injury +Abortion: Myth Vs. Fact +Georgetown Gives Slight Advantage To Descendants Of Slaves +New High-Tech Fabric Cools The Body +Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor +Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44 +Apartment Broker Recommends Brooklyn Residents Spend No More Than 150% Of Income On Rent +New Study Finds Unplanned Pregnancies Continuing To Decline In Bruce Springsteen Lyrics +Hurricane Concerned It Caught Something In Panama City, Florida +New STEM Initiative Just Tries To Dissuade Students In Other Countries From Pursuing Science Careers +10,000 Employees Accuse Chipotle Of Wage Theft +Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott +God Announces Successful Test Of First Category 7 Hurricane +Ecosystem Sobered By How Young Species Was When It Went Extinct +Shooting Survivors Owe Cinemark $700,000 +‘New Year, New Caleb,’ Announces Self-Assured Seventh-Grader On First Day Of School +Friendly Cashier Persona Briefly Dropped To Address Trainee +Chess Grandmaster Tired Of People Comparing Every Life Situation To Chess Match +CDC Exhausts Zika Funding +Where Your Trash Goes After It’s Collected +New Report Finds Voters Have No Idea How Outraged They Supposed To Be About Anything Anymore +Anthony Weiner Sends Apology Sext To Entire Clinton Campaign +FBI Investigating New Clinton Emails +Most Popular Halloween Costumes Of 2016 +Nation Too Terrified To Look At What Trump’s Recent Rise In Polls Attributed To +West Virginia Leads Nation In Heart Attacks +Cleveland Indians Rattled By Deafening Sound Of Wrigley Field Crowd’s Indigestion +Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein +Twitter Announces End Of Vine App +NBA Heads To Northeast Farms For Annual Basketball Picking +Anthropologists Discover Isolated Tribe Of Joyful Americans Living In Remote Village Untouched By 2016 Election +What Happens If Trump Refuses To Concede Election +New Voting Booths Lock Americans Inside For 45 Minutes So They Can Consider Decision Before Casting Ballot +HIV Evidence Debunks ‘Patient Zero’ Myth +Trump’s Star Vandalized On Hollywood Walk Of Fame +Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet +Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way +Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand +Study: Small Lies Lead To Bigger Lies Over Time +Women Work 39 More Days Per Year Than Men +Wealthy Father Nervously Waits For Response After Sending Donations To Son’s Top College Choices +New Company Aims To Explore Intersection Of Technology, Other Thing +Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet +Bob Dylan Refusing To Accept Nobel Prize +Cubs Fan Ready To Get Completely Drunk Again On Only 2 Days’ Rest +UN Names Wonder Woman As Ambassador +The Onion Humbly Offers Up Its Offices To Imprison The Women Who Have Wrongfully Accused Donald Trump +Report: Friend Has Been Going By Middle Name This Whole Fucking Time +Teary-Eyed Tim Kaine Asks Clinton If His Hair Will Grow Back In Time For Election Day +Trump’s Childhood Home Up For Auction +Cake Just Sitting There +Man Approaches Box Of Powdered Doughnuts Like Snake Discovering Unguarded Clutch Of Bird Eggs +D.C. Panda To Be Moved To China +Pair Of 26-Year-Olds Hit It Off After Learning They Have Student Loans From Same Bank +Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday +Reality Of Fatherhood Never Truly Dawned On Man Until He Held Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill +Look, I Wish I Were Better At This Also +Report: We Could Probably Just Have Computer Pick President +UK Pardons Gay Men Convicted Of Abolished Sex Crimes +Pediatricians Ease Screen Time Guidelines +All-Business Adult In Halloween Shop Beelines It Straight For Pinhead Mask +Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing +Where Your Political Donation Goes +Kidnapped Journalist Forced To Explain To ISIS Captors What BuzzFeed News Is +Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child +NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop +Trump Holds Strategy Meeting With Campaign’s Top Militia Leaders Ahead Of Election Day +Report: Peaceful Transfer Of Power Makes Last-Minute Push To Become Most Pressing Issue Of 2016 Election +FEC Extends Election By 7 Months To Give Nation Chance To Better Get To Know Candidates +Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair +Trump Won’t Concede Election If He Loses +Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate +Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions +Origins Of Popular Slang Terms +Trump Campaign Training Poll Watchers To Spot Any Suspicious Skin Colors On Election Day +Porn Industry Protests Condom Requirement +Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton +Chris Wallace Receives Cease-And-Desist Letter From Trump Organization In Middle Of Questioning Candidate About Groping Allegations +Undecided Debate Viewer Waiting Until He Hears Same Responses For Seventh Time Before Making Decision +Moderator Explains That GOP Will Have 2 Minutes After Every Trump Response To Distance Selves From Candidate +Presidential Debate Commission Anesthetizes Audience To Prevent Outbursts During Debate +Police Chief Apologizes To Minorities For Mistreatment +Mike Pence Visits Small Town Hit Hard By Kids Seeing R-Rated Movies +Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One +High School Graduation Rate At Record High +Smithsonian Seeks $300,000 To Repair Ruby Slippers +How To Report A Crime +Nation Suddenly Realizes It Never Had To Worry About John McCain Dying Over Past 8 Years If He’d Become President +Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation +Report: Annie Sabatino’s Boyfriend Like 23 Or Something +Debate Organizers Set Aside First 15 Minutes For Whatever Major Trump Revelation Comes Out Between Now And Then +Cuban Rum, Cigars Now Legal In U.S. +Planned Parenthood Turns 100 +Warning On Police Body Camera Footage Cautions Viewer They About To See Pretty Much Exactly What They’d Expect +Michelle Obama To DNC: ‘After This Election You Dipshits Are On Your Own’ +Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans +Trump Maps Out Plan For First 100 Days Of Not Conceding Election +Michael Jackson Highest-Paid Celebrity Of 2016 +Personal Space Stations To Launch In 2020 +Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days +The Donald Trump In These Allegations Is Not The Complete Monster I Married +‘This Is The Golden Age Of Television,’ Claim Executives Who Have Not Yet Made Show About Robotic Wizards +The Longest Championship Droughts In Sports History +Sunny Saves Bo From Mountain Lion During Cross-Country Journey To Reunite With Obamas +500,000 Votes Already Cast In 2016 Election +Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize +Idiotic Tree Keeps Trying To Plant Seeds On Sidewalk +Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him +Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid +Retired David Ortiz Excited To Finally Eat Whatever He Wants +Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter +A Timeline Of Halloween History +Clown Sightings, Arrests On The Rise +Michelle Obama Throws Out A Bunch Of Barack’s Old Number 44 Jerseys +‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire +First Ever Male CoverGirl Model Announced +Ex-Boyfriend Just Thought He’d Check In And Throw Entire Day Off +‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90 +Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade +Sugar Could Contribute To Disease +John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors +Loss Of Parent Linked To Children’s Smoking, Drinking +Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS +Oh, Am I Transporting You To A New World And Introducing You To Beautifully Drawn Characters, You Pussy? +Woman Who Started Sentence With ‘Oh My God’ Really Needs To Stick Landing +Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other +Wall Street Executive Telling Friend How Amazing It Is To See Clinton Live +NBC Suspends Billy Bush +Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate +National Association Of Enablers To Americans: ‘C’mon’ +Voter Nostalgically Looks Back At Time He Was Uninformed About Candidates +Obama Approval Rating At All-Time High +MLB Mascots Union Demands More Bald Fans To Playfully Tease Between Innings +Confused Audience Member At Town Hall Debate Asking About City’s New Stoplights +Town Hall Audience Member Asks Clinton To Quickly Pivot Away From His Question And Then State Her Platform +Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close +Weird Debate Viewer Using Tonight To Inform Herself About Candidates’ Policy Stances +Anderson Cooper Begins Debate By Giving Trump Opportunity To Explain What The Fuck Is Wrong With Him +GOP Leaders’ Daughters: ‘It’s Pretty Fucked Up If We’re The Only Reason You’re Denouncing Trump’s Statements’ +Damning Video Surfaces Of Trump Accepting GOP Nomination For President +Trump: ‘I Know That Was Pretty Bad, But Let’s Just Say You’re Going To Want To Save Your Energy’ +Michelle Obama Updates White House Garden +Poll Finds 30% Of Americans Still Undecided Whether To Vote Out Of Fear Or Spite +Disturbing MLB Postseason Commercial Claims October Is When The Maggots Feast On Rotting Pig Flesh +Presidential Commission Announces No Candidates Met Threshold To Compete In Second Debate +Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant +Tips For Meeting Your Girlfriend’s Parents +DOT Aims To End Traffic Deaths In 30 Years +Mall Of America To Close For Thanksgiving +Authorities Urge Florida Residents To Prevent Further Disasters By Finally Standing Up To Hurricane +CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela +How The Debates Can Be Improved +Trump Surrogate Enjoying Thrill Of Not Knowing What She Going To Be Defending Minute To Minute +New Study Finds Most Of Earth’s Landmass Will Be Phoenix Suburb By 2050 +Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach +Brain-Training Games Don’t Build Cognition +U.S.–Russia Relations At 40-Year Low +Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy +Bees Gain Endangered Status For First Time +Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage +If You Want To Achieve Enlightenment, You’re Gonna Have To Go Through Me +Mike Pence Brings Wife Up Onstage To Help Demonstrate How Much Contact Appropriate Before Marriage +Moderator Reminds Vice Presidential Debate Audience To Remain Silent When Exiting Early +Moderator Sternly Issues Final Warning For Tim Kaine To Stop Playing With Microphone +Pence Relaxes Onstage By Imagining Entire Debate Audience Burning In Hell +Voters Tune Into VP Debate To Find Out What Race Would Look Like If This Was Normal Election Year +Tearful Tim Kaine Wandering Around Backstage At Debate Asking If Anyone Has Seen His Running Mate +Doctors’ Political Views Could Impact Patient Care +‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Donald Trump’s Tax Returns And Has Chosen To Destroy Them +Nation’s Women Fantasize About Some Future Election That Isn’t Absolutely Pivotal To Their Well-Being +Pence Aide Encourages Candidate To Try Some More Happy-Looking Scowls During Debate +Brexit To Begin Next March +LeBron James Endorses Hillary Clinton +How The Candidates Are Preparing For The Vice Presidential Debate +Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front +Superstitious Clinton Refusing To Change Her Beliefs Following Hot Streak In Polls +New Emergency Wireless Alerts Proposed +Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second +Wade Phillips Spends Game In Front Of Sideline Mist Machine With Mouth Open +Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life +Dinner Party Conducting Full-Scale Investigation To Determine If Tip Was Included +Obama Finally Fulfills Campaign Promise To Spend One Night In Abandoned Amusement Park +Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little +California Weighs Ban On Lawyer-Client Relations +Charleston Shooter To Represent Self In Court +Man To Continue Slowly Drifting Into Middle Of Restaurant Until Host Redirects Him +Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life! +India Aims For Cashless Society +Fidel Castro Dies +How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party +Study: Depression Up Among Teenage Girls Able To Perceive Any Part Of World Around Them +Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave +Sexism Potentially Harmful To Men’s Health +Video Game Aims To Diagnose Alzheimer’s +Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving +Sweden Debuts ‘Mansplaining’ Hotline +Nearly Half The World Will Be Online By 2017 +34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece +What To Expect From A Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’ +Divorced Friend Burning Through New Hobbies At Unsustainable Rate +Mom Really Gunning To Befriend Babysitter During Weekly 3-Minute Interactions +Melania And Barron Trump Won’t Live In White House +Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com +What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline +Pope Francis Declares Abortion Forgivable +Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605 +Man Wakes From Nightmare Relieved It Only Expression Of His Real-Life Problems +It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job +Fish, Pastry Microbes Found On New York ATMs +Stealing Tampons From Office Bathroom Currently Woman’s Only Source Of Joy +Stephen Hawking: Earth Doomed Within 1,000 Years +Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott +God Weirded Out By Christian Who Loves Him After Only Month In Church +Surgeon General Recommends Exercising Once Every Several Months During Flash Of Panic About Health +Teen Birth Rates Dropping Nationwide +Top 5 Uses Of Artificial Intelligence +Breitbart Traffic Down As Readers Now Getting Bulk Of News Analysis From Graffiti Scrawled Across Neighborhood +NASA Astronaut Sets Record For Oldest Woman In Space +FDA Approves New Pasta Shape +Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month +New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual +Tinder Redesigns Gender Options +Carrie Fisher Reveals Affair With Harrison Ford +Deep-Sea Godiva Rig Taps World’s Largest Offshore Ganache Deposit +How Clinical Trials Work +2016 Set To Be Hottest Year On Record +Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga +‘People’ Names Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Sexiest Man Alive +How Movies Receive Their Ratings +DNC Aiming To Reconnect With Working-Class Americans With New ‘Hamilton’-Inspired Lena Dunham Web Series +Gaunt, Weathered John Kerry Leads Prisoner Uprising In Siberian Labor Camp +Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life +Facebook Blamed For Political Misinformation +Man At Point Where Thought Of Reince Priebus Controlling White House Pretty Comforting +Marijuana Could Weaken Heart Muscles +Crowd Can’t Believe Balls On Frontman Who Waited Till Third Song To Ask Them How They’re Doing +Matt Damon Appears Fully Nude For First Time In Local Man’s Imagination +Area Man Considers Self Ally To Women Unless They Threaten His Status In Literally Any Way +AMC Reports Record Revenues +Implant Lets Paralyzed Monkey Walk Again +What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency? +James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes +Psychologists Advise Practicing Words ‘President Trump’ Over Next 2 Months To Prepare For Inauguration +Dormant Supervolcano Underneath Yellowstone Figures Now As Good A Time As Any +Americans Urged To Get Saving $30,000 Out Of Way Before Obamacare Repealed +Prince Harry Condemns Media Coverage Of Girlfriend +Media Outlets Pledge Evenhanded Criticism Of Trump, Clinton Over Next 4 Years +Obama, Trump Meet At White House +Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump +Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands +What Lessons America Can Learn From This Election Cycle +America Not Sure It Will Have Enough Revulsion And Horror Left For Cabinet, Court Appointments +Tips For Interacting With Celebrities +Man Nostalgic For Simpler Era Of 20 Hours Ago +Vessel For Male Sexual Gratification Very Sad Today +How To Talk To Your Child About The Election Results +Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In +‘Donald Trump Is The 45th President Of The United States,’ Spontaneously Reports Subconscious During First Calm Moment Of Day +Exhausted, Defeated Voters Finally Beginning To Relate To Hillary Clinton +Donald Trump Elected President +Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims +Man Wearing ‘Jewmerica’ T-Shirt Never Dreamed He’d See This Day +Nation Throws Off Tyrannical Yoke Of Moderate Respect For Women +If You’re Reading This, I’m Already Gone +Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President +Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now +Wolf Blitzer Walks Into Middle Of Olive Garden Commercial To Announce Breaking Election Results +CNN Technicians Rush To Empty Wolf Blitzer’s Urine Tank Midway Through Election Coverage +Anderson Cooper Informs Viewers CNN Just Minutes Away From First Significant Piece Of Information Of Day +Millions Gather Under Times Square Countdown Clock To Celebrate End Of 2016 Election +Voter Dreading Being Sent Over To Visibly Stupid Poll Worker +America Votes For President +Tim Kaine Stuffs Handful Of Goldfish Crackers In Ballot Scanner +Within The Walls Of This Suburban Polling Place, I Am God +The Onion’s Special Coverage Of Election Day 2016 +Woman Quickly Reading Up On Candidates’ Policy Stances After Voting +‘What’s Our Best Path To 270?’ Gary Johnson Asks Campaign Aides Packing Up Office +Disappointed First-Time Voter Thought He Was Going To Get To Pull Big Lever +Election Day By The Numbers +Nervous Voter Totally Blanks On American Values While Looking At Ballot +Trader Joe’s Fires Employee For Non-Genuine Smile +5 States To Decide Whether To Legalize Marijuana Or Continue Honoring God +Trump’s Twitter Access Revoked +Voting Vs. Abstention +No Matter What Happens Tomorrow, At Least I Had Fun +How Voting Works +Nutella Aims To Reduce Serving Size, Display Fewer Calories +Nation Admits It Probably Going To Come Out Of This Having Learned Completely Wrong Lessons +Trump Makes Last-Minute Push To Appeal To Whites +Nation’s Still-Undecided Voters: ‘Help, We Can’t Get Our Car Seatbelts Off’ +Penn State Fined $2.4 Million For Handling Of Sandusky Case +Trump Raises Concern Over Members Of Urban Communities Voting More Than Zero Times +World’s Largest Space Telescope Set To Launch +Humanity’s Greatest Mysteries +Cubs Win First World Series In 108 Years +Nation Puts 2016 Election Into Perspective By Reminding Itself Some Species Of Sea Turtles Get Eaten By Birds Just Seconds After They Hatch +Cleveland Indians Worried Team Cursed After Building Franchise On Old Native American Stereotype +Report: Election Day Most Americans’ Only Time In 2016 Being In Same Room With Person Supporting Other Candidate +Nurse Reminds Elderly Man She’s Just Down The Hall If He Starts To Die +A Timeline Of The 2016 Election Cycle +‘Glamour’ Names Bono Its First Man Of The Year +Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win +Starbucks ‘Unity’ Cup Draws Criticism +Most Hotly Contested Down-Ballot Measures Of 2016 +New Heavy-Duty Voting Machine Allows Americans To Take Out Frustration On It Before Casting Ballot +Man Grateful To Live In Society Where Mattress Disappears If Left On Sidewalk For A Couple Days +News Website Likes To Set Aside A Little Ad Space To Promote Own Articles +Uber Drivers Found To Discriminate By Gender, Race +New Male Birth Control Method Tested +Clinton Staff Readies EMP Launch To Disable All Nation’s Electronic Devices +Nate Silver Gunned Down Attempting To Cross Mexican Border With All 2016 Polling Data +Doctors Restore Ken Burns’ Full-Color Vision After Removing Massive Tumor From Filmmaker’s Visual Cortex +Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air +Paul Krugman’s Facebook Friends Excitedly Posting About New Article He Got Published In ‘The New York Times’ +Beauty Queen Told To Lose Weight Quits Pageant +Grandma Hangs On To Spend One Last Christmas With Nursing Home Staff +Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner +Report: There Still Time To Convert To Christianity Before Christmas Starts +2016 In The Economy +2016 In Technology +2016 In Sports +2016 In International News +Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays +The Onion’s 2016 Fish Of The Year Is…This Fish +NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations +Tips For Airing Grievances With Your Family +2016 In Entertainment +John Glenn Dead At 95 +Best Sports Documentaries +Mom Much More Insistent About Getting Grandkids From One Child Than Other +Bikini Waxing Linked To STDs +Controversial ‘Heartbeat Bill’ Passes In Ohio +NFL To Curb Excessive Celebrations By Removing Areas Of Players’ Brains Responsible For Emotions +Man Betrays His Heart By Telling Friend He Can Have Last Dumpling +New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms +Realistic Day Planner Only Includes First Couple Weeks After Purchase +Hottest Items Of The 2016 Holiday Shopping Season +3 Cups Of Coffee Confident They Can Take Man’s Anxiety From Here +Matt Damon Dismisses ‘Whitewashing’ Controversy +Donald Trump Named ‘Time’ Person Of The Year +Scientists Make Discovery About World’s Silt Deposits But Understand If You Aren’t Interested In That +Mom Calling To Ask If She Can Throw Away 3-Ring Binder From Middle School +City Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets +Hypochondriacs More Likely To Have Health Issues +C-Sections Altering Evolution +Man Looks On Helplessly As Variants Of His Nickname Evolve And Multiply At Breakneck Speed +Report: Bananas Still Most Popular Fruit For Pretending To Receive Phone Call +Trump Selects Ben Carson As HUD Secretary +Dakota Access Pipeline Blocked +Icy Snowball Can Already Tell It Going To Make 9-Year-Old Cry +Tips For Hotel Etiquette +Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter +John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion +Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog +White House Supports Military Draft Registration For Women +NFL Announcer Better Hurry The Fuck Up Congratulating Producer On New Baby And Get Back To Game +‘You Hate To See That,’ Announces Fan Secretly Thrilled About Rival Player’s Injury +‘Rocky’ Turns 40 +Penn State Staff Unsure What To Do With Breathtakingly Innovative Defensive Playbooks Jerry Sandusky Keeps Sending Them +Reason Man Turning To Religion Later In Life Must Be Horrifying +Best Sports Video Games Of All Time +Ruth Bader Ginsburg Debating Whether To Cancel Winter Vacation Climbing K2 +How To Stay Politically Active After The Election +Reddit Cracks Down On ‘Toxic’ Users +PTSD Treated With Ecstasy +Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises? +Mom Wants One Of Those Things Your Sister Has For Christmas +Facebook User Verifies Truth Of Article By Carefully Checking It Against Own Preconceived Opinions +Religion Triggers Brain’s Reward Centers +Disney Introduces First Hispanic Princess +2015 Tech Trends +Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials +Americans Expected To Spend $703 Million On Pets For Valentine’s Day +Man Carefully Settles On Backup Channel For When Airing Of ‘Gladiator’ Goes To Commercial +Katy Perry Drops Hints That Super Bowl Halftime Show Will Be Awful +All Of Man’s Accomplishments Overshadowed By Hefty Birth Weight +Denver Airport Bans Marijuana-Themed Souvenirs +The Pros And Cons Of Fracking +Pepperidge Factory Farm Under Fire For Inhumane Treatment Of Milanos +Man Figures He Has 2 More Bites Of Roommate’s Leftovers Before It Noticeable +Man Old Enough To Know How Rest Of Life Pretty Much Plays Out +Patriots Really Embracing ‘Us Against The Rules’ Mentality +Consumption Of Buncha Crunch Reverently Paused During Unsettling Scenes Of ‘American Sniper’ +Koch Brothers To Spend Historic $889 Million On 2016 Elections +$300 Tax Refund Used To Justify $700 Worth Of Miscellaneous Purchases +Natural Selection Kills 38 Quadrillion Organisms In Bloodiest Day Yet +Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion +Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission +Measles Epidemic 2015: A Timeline Of The Outbreak +Warren Buffett Can’t Believe He Has To Live Next To Powerball Winner +Taiwan Building Sex-Themed Amusement Park Called ‘Romantic Boulevard’ +Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, A-Rod Spring To Patriots’ Defense Over Deflated Footballs +Report: NFL Investigating Patriots Locker Room Attendant For ‘Deflategate’ +Bobby Jindal Not Sure He Willing To Put Family Through 2-Month Presidential Campaign +Nation’s Landmarks Piled In Single Location For Easier Monitoring +I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same +Vatican Replaces Doves With Balloons As Symbol Of Peace +Marshawn Lynch Delivers Eloquent 45-Minute Address On Privacy In The Modern Age +Guidebook Writer Stumbles Upon New England Town Too Quaint For Human Eyes +Law-Abiding Citizen Keeps Herself On Track With Weekly Cheat Day +Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm +NYC Facing ‘Potentially Historic’ Blizzard +NYC Mayor: ‘Reconcile Yourselves With Your God, For All Will Perish In The Tempest’ +Fascinating Man Went To Same High School As Professional Athlete +Mother Provides Adult Son With List Of Questions To Ask Doctor +Area Man Totally Blows His Chance To See ‘Exodus: Gods And Kings’ In Theaters +Study: 1 In 5 Spouses Commits ‘Financial Infidelity’ +Liquor’s Neon Coloring Likely Good Measure Of Its Excellence +Biden Co-Presents Best New Starlet Award With Shyla Stylez At 2015 AVN Adult Movie Awards Show +Study: Dog Movies Spur Adoption For Up To 10 Years +New NCAA Regulations Prohibit Student-Athletes From Studying More Than 30 Hours Per Week +I Don’t Vaccinate My Child Because It’s My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back +Study Links Negative Tweets To More Heart Disease +Medical Breakthrough Provides Elderly Woman With 2 Extra Years Of Inconveniencing Family +Chinese Officials Vow To Fix Nation’s Crumbling Reeducation System +The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette +Cake Shop Accused Of Religious Discrimination For Refusing To Write Anti-Gay Slur On Bible Cake +Diphtheria Excited About Possibility Of New Outbreak +The Pros And Cons Of Free Community College +Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby +New Hampshire Lottery Releases Bacon-Scented Scratch-Off Ticket +Nation’s Historians Warn The Past Is Expanding At Alarming Rate +NFL Braces For Record-Low Pro Bowl Player Attendance +Excited Nation Already Lining Up Outside IRS Offices In Anticipation Of Tax Day +Obama Sets Record For Veto Threats In SOTU Address +State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home +Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus +Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address +Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip +Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address +Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time +Man Too Deep Into Sentence To Avoid Saying Word He Can’t Pronounce +Pope Francis: Catholics Don’t Have To ‘Breed Like Rabbits’ +Doug Baldwin Sick Of Being Disrespected By Statistics +Postal Service Unveils New Line Of Stamps Honoring Americans Who Still Use Postal Service +‘Well, Here’s What Won’t Pass,’ Obama Says Before Listing 35 Proposals +Study: Earth 44% Doomed +Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine +Burger King Franchise Owner Adds Sad Little Personal Touches To Restaurant +Marriage Is Something You Have To Work At Until Your Children Leave +Man’s Area Code Provides Exciting Glimpse At Past Life +Artist Always Carries Around Sketchbook In Case He Feels Like Making Someone Uncomfortable +Obama To Propose Tax Hikes On Wealthy To Help Out Middle Class +Area Man Eats Breakfast For Dinner In Desperate Attempt To Reinvent His Life +Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea +MTV Airing In Black And White On MLK Jr. Day To Spark Conversations On Race +Unsold Google Glass Units To Be Donated To Assholes In Africa +Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations +New Facebook Notifications Alert Users When They Not Currently Looking At Facebook +Study: Sitting Too Much May Be Deadlier Than Obesity +Keys To The Matchup: Colts vs. Patriots +Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Seahawks +Publisher Pulls Book After Boy Admits He Didn’t Go To Heaven +Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’ +John Elway Casually Mentions To Peyton Manning How Great It Was Going Out On Top In ’98 +Preschooler Asks To Borrow Classmate’s Notes On Shapes +Enchanted Necromancer Brings Life Back To Once-Dead Argument +FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies +Area Man Clearly Came To Redbox Machine Without Any Game Plan +Jewish Orthodox Newspaper Edits Women Out Of Unity March +Dick LeBeau Confident He Still Has 30 Or 40 Years Of Coaching Left In Him +Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims’ Rights Necessary To Feel Safe +Why Are Gas Prices So Low? +Man Reserving Judgment On Best Actress Nominees Until Looking At All 5 Pictures +Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment +Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class +New Archaeological Find Suggests Mary Magdalene Was Actually A Size 12 +Area Man Could Have Made Same Meal At Home But Worse +Facebook To Post Amber Alerts In Users’ News Feeds +Man On Weird Fad Diet Where He Eats Flavorful Meals That Make Him Feel Good +Police: John Boehner's Country Club Bartender Planned To Poison Him +Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East +Area Dad Didn’t Shell Out $100 At Aquarium For Lecture About Ecosystem +Report: Only 2% Of Internet Worth Sitting Through 15-Second Ad +McDonald’s Announces Brand Transformation +Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship +Report: Peyton Manning Played Entire Season With 38-Year-Old Body +U.S. Government Offers 100 Million Americans Generous Severance Deal To Leave Country +New Climate Change Study Just 400 Pages Of Scientists Telling Americans To Read Previous Climate Change Studies +Majority Of Time At Party Spent Trying To Figure Out Ride Home +Study: Men Who Post Selfies More Likely To Be Narcissists, Psychopaths +Chocolate Lovers Upset As Cadbury Changes Creme Egg Recipe +Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch +Graduating Seniors Somber After Being Financially Exploited On Field For Last Time +What If We Could Live In A World Without War But Way More Famine? +Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Anti-Vaccine Movement +Inspired Film Executive Has Great Idea For Budget Of Film +HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related +Personal Trainer Impressed By Man’s Improved Excuses +Party Not Big Enough To Move Out Of Kitchen Yet +Man Pours All His Culinary Talents Into Inserting, Removing Pizza From Oven +A Look At The 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners +Obama Absent At Paris Anti-Terrorism Rally +First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table +Woman Celebrates 4th Year Of Weaning Self Off Facebook +Increasingly Desperate Advertisers Settle For More Attainable 35-To-44-Year-Old Demographic +Study Finds Employees Most Productive When They Can Set Their Own Salaries +Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven +Les Miles Assures Recruits’ Parents His Players Are Like Sons He Can Cut At Any Time +Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep +FCC Sniper Takes Out Matthew McConaughey To Prevent Live Broadcast Of Profanity +World Unites In Desire To Have A Little More Time Between Terrorist Attacks +Report: Fan Chose To Buy Team’s Away Jersey +Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World +Obama Proposes Free Community College For Those ‘Willing To Work’ +Intel Pledges $300 Million To Increase Workplace Diversity +CBS To Feature In-Studio Fan To Provide Partially Correct Explanations Of Refs’ Calls +Career-Driven Man Beginning To Worry Entire Identity No Longer Tied To Job +Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He’s Already Heard +Condo Board Maintains Purity Of Bloodline Through Generations Of Intermarriage +New ‘Imaginary Meal’ Pill Tricks Body Into Losing Weight +Status Of Gathering Upgraded To ‘Party’ By Presence Of Pizza +Speculation Mounting Over Which Fired NFL Head Coaches To Be Emasculated As Coordinators Next Season +Apartment Completely Flooded With Disgusting Sunlight +John Boehner Survives Biggest Revolt Against House Speaker In 150 Years +It Sadly Unclear Whether This Article Will Put Lives At Risk +Area Man Only One With Problems +Woman Fulfills Manifest Destiny Of Hardwood Floor Throughout Home +Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service +Report: More Cities Banning Sledding To Avoid Lawsuits +Report: Congress More Religious Than General Public +Man Who Spent 300 Hours Playing Fantasy Football This Year Rewarded With $30 Second-Place Payout +The GOP’s Legislative Agenda +I Will Never Give Up If There’s Even A 40% Chance My Child Is Still Alive +Government Admits It Was Only Behind Destruction Of North Tower +Sudden Burst Of Confidence Not Sure Where The Hell It Came From Either +How To Stave Off The Winter Blues +Caller Enters Remote Backwaters Of 1-800 Automated Messaging System +Report: Girlfriend Probably Reading Some Book Called ‘The Midwife’s Promise’ +Study: Fast Food Lowers Kids’ Test Scores +PETA Blasts Sarah Palin For Letting Son Stand On Dog +Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters +How To Drive Safely In Winter Conditions +Dirty Slush Machine Provides Children In Florida Taste Of Winter +Supreme Court Releases Young Scalia’s Audition Tape +Copycat Criminals Continue To Mimic Liquor Store Robbery From 1822 +Man In Solitary Confinement Can’t Break With Reality Fast Enough +Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans +Punishing Kids For Lying Actually Makes Them Lie More +Fox Introduces New Line Of Scrimmage Reporter For NFL Playoffs +Study: Most Internet Users Won’t Stop Online Bullies +Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt +Yankees Rookie Nervously Tells A-Rod How Much He Used To Hate Him As A Kid +Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients +Notable Athlete Endorsement Deals +Madonna Pulled Off Stage By Too-Tight Armani Matador Cape +KFC Introduces Edible Coffee Cups In The U.K. +Once-Loyal Enabler Betrays Man By Suggesting Therapy +Arne Duncan Spends Visit To Local Elementary School Looking At UFO Books In Library +Catching Up On 2 Seasons Of ‘House Of Cards’ Depressingly Manageable +Bench Players Given Some Time In First Quarter Of Game Against Knicks +Authorities Demolish Capitol Building That Was Site Of Gruesome 113th Congressional Session +Study: Boyfriends Who Aren’t Speaking Are Thinking About Ending Relationship 90% Of Time +U.K. To Allow 3-Parent Babies +Report: Only 40% Of Celebrities End Up Marrying Their Stalkers +Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In +Report: Jurors Who Saw ‘American Sniper’ Were Still Picked For Chris Kyle Murder Trial +WWE Accused Of Paying Female Wrestlers Less +Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours +‘Miracle On Ice’ Players Wondering If They Can Reunite Somewhere Other Than Lake Placid +Long-Silent Facebook Friend Comes Out Of Woodwork With Post Asking About Insulating Windows +Winston Churchill’s Blood Up For Auction +If I End Up On Life Support, My Family Knows The Type Of Long, Protracted Legal Battle I Would Want +Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine +Jameis Winston Doesn’t Rule Out Playing Baseball In Prison +Study: Gerbils Were Actual Cause Of Black Plague +Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya +Starbucks To End CD Sales +College Freshman From Florida Has Never Seen People Complain About Snow For 5 Months Before +Death Row Inmate Dies Of Natural Causes 3 Days Into Execution +Mom Could Have Used Few More Days To Self Before Missing Daughter Returned +Bellicose Contingent Of Seventh-Graders Want To Play Tackle +Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women +Busy Woman Keeps Best-Dressed Oscar Slideshow Tab Open To Be Savored As Sumptuous Feast At Her Leisure +Joan Rivers Excluded From Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment +Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features +Friend Working At Milwaukee History Museum Could Probably Get You In For Free +Luxury-Craving Nation Confidently Squandering Income At Pre-2008 Levels +Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off +Experts: Eggs No Longer Considered Health Risk +No One Sure If Academy Awards After-Party Going To Have Food +Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together +Dolby Theatre Hunchback Stares Longingly At Beautiful Guests From Rafters +‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower +Walmart Raising Wages +76ers Afraid To Kick Bunch Of Tough-Looking Guys Off Practice Court +Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film +Oklahoma Votes To Ban AP U.S. History +Hotel Now Charging Patrons For Looking At Items In Minibar +Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism +New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine +Little Caesars Introduces Bacon Crust Pizza +New Education Initiative Replaces K-12 Curriculum With Single Standardized Test +Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked +Man Illegally Streaming Game Fends Off Pop-Up Ads With Surgical Precision +Report: Uber Adding ‘Panic Button’ For Chicago Passengers +Mattel To Remake Barbie With More Diversity, Voice Box +Inside The $125,000 Oscar Gift Bag +Barbara Bush Reverses Stance On ‘Enough Bushes’ In White House +Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench +Police Release Haircut-Progressed Photo Of Missing Woman +Guy Washing Hands For Full 5 Seconds Like He’s Going Into Surgery +Archaeologists Uncover Greek Amphitheater Where First Prick Saved Seats +Met Museum Bans ‘Selfie Sticks’ +Complete Fucking Idiot Considers Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov Russia’s Most Inventive Orchestrator +How About We Go Outside And Settle This Like Emotionally Stunted Men? +Outgoing Obama Aide: My Biggest Failure Was Not Releasing Government UFO Files +New NFL Combine Drill Places Player Alone In Room With Woman +Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations +Man’s Neuroses Really Putting Genuine Compliment Through The Wringer +New Study Finds Therapy, Antidepressants Equally Effective At Monetizing Depression +Grandchild, Grandfather Equally Dreading Collaboration For School Interview Project +Features Of The Apple Car +Study: Dogs Can Read Happy, Angry Faces +Local Teen Would Choose Gun With Night Vision Laser Scope If He Joined Army +Otherwise Reasonable Man Sincerely Believes U.S. Landed On Moon +Missed H.O.R.S.E. Shots Getting Increasingly Ambitious +Officials Urge Americans To Sort Plastics, Glass Into Separate Oceans +Facebook Lets User Choose Who Controls Their Account After Death +Disney Rebooting ‘Indiana Jones’: What To Look Forward To +Corporation Surprised To See Its Tax Money Circle Back Around To It So Soon +Being On Volleyball Team Accounts For 97% Of High School Sophomore’s Identity +Brian Williams Retreats To Mountainside Hut To Meditate On Fickle Nature Of Truth +Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart +Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card +Study: Settling For Adequate Partner Better Than Waiting For Soulmate +Day Chalked Up As Loss By 10:15 A.M. +Montana Lawmaker Proposes Banning Yoga Pants +Hit-And-Run Driver Kills Prominent Member Of Deer Community +Man’s Food Poisoning Could Realistically Be Traced Back To Any Meal From Past Week +Report: Anti-Vaxxer Parents Considering Throwing ‘Measles Parties’ +Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins +Mom Reports That Hometown Actually Has A Lot Going On Now +Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months Without Pay +Gay Marriage State By State +Man Must Be Living With Roommates By Choice At This Point +Last Line Of Obama’s Military Force Request Briefly Mentions Possibility Of 25-Year Quagmire +Scientists Working To Harness Energy Produced By Intense Fracking Debates +eBay Shopper Struggling To Narrow Down Vast Selection Of Available Super Bowl Rings +Labor Secretary Horrified To Learn Some Americans Working Jobs They Do Not Truly Enjoy +Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit +Japan To Open World’s First Robot-Run Hotel +Qdoba Offering Free-Burrito-For-A-Kiss Promotion On Valentine’s Day +Man Surprised To Learn High School Classmate Became Completely Different Type Of Fuckup +Report: Charles Manson’s Fiancée Was Using Him For Corpse +Dubai Unveils Plans For World’s Largest Human Rights Violation +Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict +25-Year-Old Goes On Raucous Immunization Binge On Night Before Losing Parents' Health Insurance +Area Woman Not Good Enough Artist To Justify Eccentricities +You Will Be My Everything +Conspiracy Theorist Starting To Think Racism May Be Institutionalized In America +Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party +Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility +Beck Wikipedia Page ‘Hacked’ After He Beats Beyoncé At Grammys +How Powerball Works +Wave Of Dread Makes Rare Daytime Appearance +Man’s Ironclad Grasp Of Issue Can Withstand 2 Follow-Up Questions +Study: Singles Who Use Emojis Have More Sex +Teen Crafting Marketable Persona In Garage Hoping To One Day Win Grammy +Local Los Angeles Awards Show Slated To Open For Grammys +Harvard Bans Professors From Having Sex With Students +Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season +Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack +Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back +Report: Mom Has Plan For Tub Of Whipped Cream In Fridge +Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check +Man Who Will Pay $60,000 In Medical Bills This Year Can't Afford Health Insurance Right Now +Superman Gets New Power, ‘Solar Flare’ +Airlines Offering Complimentary In-Flight College Courses +Delivery Room Nurse Tired Of Taking Shit From Richard Sherman +Media Scandals Over The Years +GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls +Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees +New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere +Discovery Of Neolithic Gift Shop Suggests Stonehenge Always Meant As Tourist Attraction +Therapy Kangaroo Kicked Out Of McDonald’s +What The Average American Spends On Valentine’s Day +New England Fans: ‘We Don’t Deserve This’ +Harper Lee To Publish ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ Sequel +Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God +Nick Saban Returns From 2-Year Recruiting Expedition With 94 Blue-Chip Players +At Least It’s Been A While Since Story About Somebody Eating Somebody Else, Reports Violence-Weary Nation +New Smartphone Dating App ‘The League’ Matches Elite Professional Singles +Jewelry Company Jumps Gun With Engagement Ring Commercial Featuring Polyamorous Triad +Snow Shoveling Tips +Venus Added To Registry Of Historically Significant Planets +Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy +Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed +Man Under Mistaken Impression He His Own Harshest Critic +California May Raise Smoking Age From 18 To 21 +Woman Has Few Enough Friends To Consider Confiding In Sister +Man Wistfully Looks Around Website He Hasn’t Visited For 30 Minutes +Helpful Waitress Asks Recently Seated Couple If They’ve Eaten Food Before +Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow +Chris Christie On Vaccines: Parents Should Have ‘Measure Of Choice’ +Super Bowl XLIX Highlights +Man Brings Lunch From Home To Cut Down On Small Joys +God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’ +Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression +Pregame Foolishly Squandered On Actually Planning Out Evening +Smart Shopper Only Purchases Items With ‘Quality’ On The Label +Patriots Super Bowl Win Provides Storybook Ending To NFL Credibility +Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God +Puppy Bowl Overshadowed By League’s Rampant Heartworm Pill Abuse +‘The NFL Is Deeply Concerned About Domestic Violence,’ Thinks Local Moron +Responsible Gambler Builds Diverse Portfolio Of Super Bowl Prop Bets +Bar Patron Can’t Believe He’s Partying With Rob Gronkowski 15 Minutes Before Kickoff +Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away +Study: Amount Of Time Spent With Kids Doesn’t Matter +Can Anyone Truly Be Said To ‘Own’ The Complete James Bond Collection? +Avoiding Popular Songs Somehow Accomplishment For Local Man +Totally Unknown Guy Strolling Around Your Part Of Office For Some Reason +Cost-Cutting Measures Force Company To Start Hiring More Female Employees +Report: Bill Clinton Gave Romney Debate Advice For Beating Obama +Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo +NYC Tourists Incite Outrage By Taking ‘Selfies’ At East Village Blast Site +Indiana Governor Insists New Law Has Nothing To Do With Thing It Explicitly Intended To Do +Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain +Campus Tour Guide Just Needs To Make Stop To Change Out Laundry Really Quick +Study: Women Who Sleep Longer Have More Sex +Man Thinks Going To Vegas For Things Other Than Gambling Somehow Less Sad +McDonald’s Debuts Big Mac Clothing Line +New York Introduces Shoe-Sharing Program For City’s Pedestrians +Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting +Troubling Report Finds Dreamily Sliding Down Back Of Door After Kissing Date On Porch Plummets 78% +The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes +Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy +College Newspaper Staff Know Exactly How They Would Respond If Editorial Freedom Challenged +Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low +Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History +Nude, Ash-Streaked Dick Vitale Proclaims This What March Madness All About +Parents Let Kids Play On Vietnam War Memorial +Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist’s Order Without Even Having To Be Told +Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death +Master Architect Constructs Most Structurally Innovative Pile Of Dirty Dishes To Date +Man Who Baked Banana Bread Spends Entire Party Anxiously Watching It Go Uneaten +New Healthier Menu Features Food Wendy’s Customers Bring From Home +New Facebook ‘On This Day’ Feature Unearths Photos From Past +Dallas Cowboys Honored For Helping Reintegrate Criminals Back Into NFL +Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars +Catholic High School Insists On Pre-Approving Prom Dresses +Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect +Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic +Mom Scanning Menu Finds ‘Pan-Seared Diver Scallops’ Faster Than Speed Of Light +Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever +Gap CEO Hints At Vending Machines For Clothes +Report: Students Had To Attend Ted Cruz Rally Or Face Fine +Nation’s Money Constantly Disgusted By What Americans Doing With It +How Michelin Rates Restaurants +Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago +Guinness To Start Offering Calorie Counts +Everyone On Defense Team An Equally Matched Romantic Interest For Member Of Prosecution +Woman Who Teaches Special-Needs Children Killing It At Dinner Party +‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face +King Richard III Reburied 530 Years After Death +Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate +Who Is Ted Cruz? +Siblings Playing Tense Game Of Chicken To Decide Who Going To Care For Mom +Report: Employees Most Innovative When Brainstorming Dramatic Quitting Scenarios +Michelle Obama Renovates Van Buren Workout Room +Study: Teens Change Clothes, Do Homework While Driving +Fewer NBA Players Choosing To Learn Unborn Child’s Position +Paragon Of Chivalrous Virtue Lets Date Have Last Mozzarella Stick +New Hampshire Legislators Kill Fourth-Graders’ Bill To Their Faces +Man Filled With Gratitude At Sight Of Other Customer In Nice Restaurant Wearing Jeans +Report: Getting Massages At Airports Apparently Part Of Certain People’s Lives +Lego Magazine Offers Beauty Tips To Young Girls +Rick Pitino Likes What He’s Seeing From Freshman Louisville Cheerleader +Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime +New Arrivals Consult Wise Couple Who Have Been At Resort For 3 Days Already +Controversial Corporate Responsibility Campaigns +Study: Breastfed Babies Earn More Money As Adults +World Wildlife Fund Announces New Breeding Program To Create Way More Squirrels Than Necessary +New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User’s Mouth Always Being Full +Man Returning From Vacation Settles On Single Concise Anecdote He’ll Tell Everyone Who Asks +Making The Most Of Your College Tour +Teams To Watch In The 2015 NCAA Tournament +Workers: McDonald’s Told Us To Put Mustard On Burns +Secret Service Asks For $8 Million To Build Fake White House For Training Agents +U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises +NFL Launches New Campaign Warning Players About Long-Term Risks Of Retirement +Study Finds Majority Of Deaths Caused By Failure To Heed Omens +Annoying, Well-Adjusted Friend Even Fucking Meditating Now +Pete Rose Reinstatement Request Offers MLB Commissioner Lower Vig On Upcoming Emanuel Lopez-Carlos Padilla Fight +Progressive Company Pays Both Men And Women 78% Of What They Should Be Earning +SXSW Speaker: Silicon Valley Bubble Poised To Burst +Study: Support For Bill Of Rights Highest While Attempting To Talk Way Out Of Drunk Driving Arrest +Report: Coca-Cola Paid Experts To Say Soda Is A Healthy Snack +You Might Be Wondering Why I’m Wearing A Cap Usually Reserved For Playing Baseball +Paleo Cookbook For Babies Raises Concerns +Man Has Carefully Calculated Timeline For Revealing Negative Personality Traits To New Girlfriend +Scientists Discover Eating Serves Function Other Than Easing Anxiety +‘What If No One Travels Anywhere Ever Again?’ Wonders Panicked Transportation Secretary +Vatican Policymaking Once Again Manipulated By Powerful Second Commandment Rights Groups +‘When I’m Acquitted, I’ll Murder Those Interviewers,’ Robert Durst Mutters While Still Wearing Microphone +Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel +NASA: California Has One Year Of Water Left +Older Prostitute Explains To Younger Prostitute Who Richard Belzer Is, What He Expects +Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children +NFLPA Received Numerous Complaints From Free Agents Harassed By Cleveland Browns +Study: Men Who Are Nice To Women May Be ‘Benevolent Sexists’ +BYU Fans Rush CBS Broadcasting Studio Following Upset Selection Into NCAA Tournament +Photographer Sparks Backlash For Wrapping Baby In American Flag +Peter King Realizes Fight With Wife Really About Disappointment In Raiders’ Offseason Moves +Unlikely Team Of Allies Unite To Take On Airport Gate Agent +Report: Texas Down To Last Lethal Injection Dose +Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business +Man’s Bloodstream Enjoys Hour-Long Intermission Between Coffee, Alcohol Blitzes +High School Seniors Vote For Communism-Themed Prom +Fantasy Baseball Commissioner Plumbs Deepest Depths Of Friend Circle To Find 12th Participant +Texas Now Regretting Wasting Doses Of Pancuronium Bromide On Innocent Guys Back In 1997, 2000, 2004 +Relieved Malia Obama Quietly Thanks Secret Service Agents For Taking Rap For Her +Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second +Burger King Quietly Drops Soda From Kids’ Menu +High Schooler Promises To Have Man’s Impregnated Daughter Home By Midnight +Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It +Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing +Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits +Facebook Removes ‘Feeling Fat’ From Status Update Options +Every Single NFL Player Traded, Retired, Signed, Cut, Re-Signed Over Past 24 Hours +New Evidence Suggests Last Ice Age Caused By Earth Floating Into Extremely Chilly Part Of Galaxy +New Free-Range Slaughterhouse Allows Livestock To Roam Freely On Killing Floor +Solar-Powered Plane Begins Flight Around Globe +Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert +As A Failure, I’ve Learned To Appreciate The Little Things In Life +Study: Parents Cause Narcissism In Children +Report: Whites More Likely To Be Named CEOs Than Equally Sociopathic Black Candidates +God Shoots Himself While Cleaning Gun +Study: 15% Of Boston Toddlers Drink Coffee +Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget +Spring Break Safety Tips +Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act +Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times +Tim Cook: Apple Watch Will Make Driving Safer +How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting +Man Suddenly Regretting Asking To Be Taken Seriously By Peers +Study: Female Orcas Take On Leadership Roles After Menopause +Producers Carefully Monitoring Buster Olney’s Question Count During Interview +Ringling Bros. To Phase Out Elephants +Pope Francis Recalls Starting Out At Some Real Shithole Churches +Passengers Feel Sorry For Flustered Toddler Traveling With Loud, Obnoxious Parents +Dad Receives Advance Intelligence On Visiting Son’s New Eyeliner +Court: Man Can’t Sue Applebee’s For Burning Self On Fajitas While Praying +NYC To Give Students Muslim Holy Days Off From School +Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died +Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country +People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit +Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom +Courageous Man Overcomes Woman’s Body Language To Continue Hitting On Her +Report: Cavaliers Players Having Issues Gelling During Postgame Celebrations +Uber Launches Quarterly Print Magazine For Drivers +Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure +Tips For Living Longer +Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country +Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People +Campaign Pushes For Woman On $20 Bill +Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results +Bulls Executives Sickened By Replays Of Derrick Rose Getting Drafted +Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial +Spanish Bar Only Hires Employees Over 50 +DEA Warns Allowing Medical Marijuana May Lead To Stoned Rabbits +Chinese Citizens Kind Of Grateful To Not Have Access To All Of Internet +Netanyahu Doubles Down Against Obama With PowerPoint On Perils Of Affordable Care Act +You Heard The Hype, Now Try Our Hanging File Folders For Yourself +Man Going To Take Edge Off With Decades-Long Slide Into Alcoholism +IKEA Introduces Wireless Charging Furniture +Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To First Detail +Report: Middle East Quickly Running Out Of Land Area For Violence To Spill Over To +A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations +Stolen Pearl Oscar Dress Revealed To Be Fake +Netanyahu Assures Critics He Still Has Utmost Respect For U.S. Money +Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total Fucking Bitch +John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico +Study: Feeding Infants Peanut Products Could Reduce Childhood Allergies +Report: ESPN Coverage Displays Clear Bias Toward Shitty Reporting +Man Anxiously Scanning Bar’s Reaction To Jukebox Selection +Report: Average Person Spends 18 Hours Standing At Bar Deciding What To Drink +Report: Many Americans Not Watching Enough Television To Make Worthwhile Contribution To Small Talk +Raiders Considering Taking Chance On Prospect With Zero Off-Field Incidents +Mel Kiper Seeks Blind Oracle’s Prophecy Of Browns’ First-Round Pick +McDonald’s Axes 7 Sandwiches In ‘Menu Simplification’ +Who Is Bernie Sanders? +Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe +Study Finds Majority Of Urban Households Located In Roller Rink Deserts +Report: U.S. Zoos Letting Elephants Die Out +Report: It Apparently Time In Conversation To Smile, Laugh +Putin Starts Off Morning By Sitting Down To Write The Day’s News +Report: Apple Watch Doesn’t Work Well On Tattooed Wrists +Pros And Cons Of The Greek System +Jameis Winston Wows Teams With Ability To Tell Them Exactly What They Want To Hear +Nation On Edge As Court Votes Whether To Legalize Gay Marriage Now Or In A Few Years +Nation Just Hoping Next President Can Prevent Country’s Decline From Being Totally Humiliating +Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century +Authorities Believe Man Radicalized While Serving 18 Years In Congress +Increasing Number Of Couples Now Using Surrogates To Have, Raise Baby +First Kid To Wake Up At Slumber Party Gets Exclusive Look At Friend’s Mom’s Morning Routine +London Shop Relaunching Breast Milk Ice Cream In Honor Of Royal Baby +Man Boldly Declares This Must-Win Game +Professor Fails Entire Class For Bad Behavior +Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night +I Only Like Movies Where The Whole Cast Dances In A Little Box Next To The End Credits +Abercrombie & Fitch No Longer Placing Shirtless Models Outside Stores +Man Proud Of Food He Ordered +Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu +College Encourages Lively Exchange Of Idea +Conservative Group: Gay Marriage Will Lead To 900,000 Abortions +Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys +Amazon Testing Car Trunk Delivery +Woman Can’t Wait To Get Home And Take Off Uncomfortable Persona +Excited CIA Director Can’t Wait To Declassify Last Night’s Incredible Mission In Middle East +Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled +Native American Actors Walk Off Set Of Adam Sandler Movie +Tips For Going Green +Best Playoff Performances In NBA History +Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats +Report: Income Inequality Most Apparent During Fifth-Grade Classmate’s Birthday Party +Content Writer Awkwardly Shows Parents Around Website Where He Works +Arizona State Offering ‘Pay-As-You-Pass’ College Courses +Visit Home Reveals Parents Currently Watching Previously Undiscovered Game Show +Visit Home Reveals Parents Currently Watching Previously Undiscovered Game Show +Ben Affleck: I Was ‘Embarrassed’ By Slave-Owner Ancestor +YouTube Turns 10 +New TSA Precheck Program Offers Expedited Interrogations For Muslim Passengers +High School Student Taking Rejection From First-Choice College In Stride As If Future Not Over +Pharmaceutical Rep Assures Doctor He Personally Tries Every Drug He Promotes +Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play +Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs +Entire Treasury Department Competing For Same Goldman Sachs Job Opening +Study: Vaccines Don’t Cause Autism Even In High-Risk Kids +Report: New NFL Stadium In Los Angeles Could Create Thousands Of Local Law Enforcement Jobs +Report: Teens Injuring Lips Doing ‘Kylie Jenner Challenge’ +Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School +Houseguest Asks If Host Has Blanket That’s Never Been Washed He Can Use +Tim Tebow Figures Ingraining Himself In Philadelphia Charity Scene Best Shot Of Sticking With Team +For-Profit College Hastily Designs Diploma For Student On Verge Of Actually Graduating +Study Finds Those With Deceased Family Members At High Risk Of Dying Themselves +Kraft Eliminating Fake Blazing Orange Color From Mac And Cheese +Boehner Opens Another Heap Of Letters From Constituents Asking To Give Corporations More Tax Breaks +Ex-Con Still Hanging Out With Hallucinatory Voices That Got Him In Trouble In First Place +Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair +Aquarium Gives Penguins Private ‘Honeymoon Suites’ To Encourage Mating +Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around +Encouraging U.S. Department Of Labor Reminds Job Seekers About All The Dumbfucks Out There +Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around +Medical Experts Disappointed With Man Who Failed To Live Up To Life Expectancy +Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle +I Know Heaven Is Real Because I Saw It And Abducted An Angel +Pot Smokers Around World Celebrate 4/20 +Iowa Restaurant Patron Can Remember Every Breakfast Ruined By Presidential Candidates +Hand Gestures Transform Friend’s Story Into Immersive Virtual Reality Experience +Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids +Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable +Viewer Prepared To Believe Whatever Documentary Tells Him About Coral Reefs +Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse +Hollywood Quietly Shuts Down After Realizing That Entertainment A Delicate Matter Of Subjective Opinion +Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life +Lethal Injection Least Effective Drugs Man Took While In Prison +Alcohol-Themed Party A Success +‘Financial Date Nights’ Can Benefit Couples +Left Fielder Thinking About The Ways A Triple Play Could End With Him +Corporate Wellness Programs +Study Links Facebook To Depression +Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The ‘Mona Lisa’ +Complete Idiot Forgot To Shave Area Between Mouth And Nose +Budget Wedding Tips +Mom Scared For NHL Players Without Visors +Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money +Cosmologists: Aliens Most Likely Huge +Timberwolves’ Arena Staff Cleaning Up During Third Quarter So They Can Go Home Right At Buzzer +Architect Presents Obama With Generic Options For War Memorial That Could Work For Syria, Libya, Yemen +New Evidence Suggests Middle East Conflict Predates All Human Civilization +Report: American Millennials Among Least Skilled In World +Report: NFL Hires First Female Referee +U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption +Who Is Marco Rubio? +Umpire Says He Was On LSD When He Called No-Hitter +Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle +Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase +LED Bulb Coming To Terms With Fact That It Will Outlive All Its Friends +Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’ +7-Eleven Launches ‘Bring Your Own Cup’ Slurpee Day +Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton +Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency +Study: Best Method Of Finding Job Still Excitedly Circling Newspaper Listing In Red Marker +Area Man Not About To Tie His Shoe When He's 4 Blocks Away From Sitting Down +Obama Supports Banning Gay ‘Conversion’ Therapies For Minors +Man Reluctantly Deletes Video Of Friend Trying To Vault Mailbox To Clear Data Space For Child’s Birth +Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide +The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police +Phillies Concession Stand Offering Plastic Helmets For Fans To Vomit In +PetSmart Manager Does Morning Sweep Of Enclosures For Dead Ones Before Opening Doors For Day +FDA Figures It Will Get Around To Regulating Supplements With Names Like Black Widow, Yellow Demon +Supreme Ruler Of Laundry Room Moves Load Of Clothes From Washer To Top Of Washer +Nation Letting Itself Have Few Moments Of Celebration Before Returning To Horrifying Reality Of Violent Extremism +DOJ Announces Initiative To Deploy Smartphone-Carrying Bystanders To Nation’s Streets +Nation Hopeful There Will Be Equally Random Chance Of Justice For Future Victims Of Police Abuse +Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park +College Accepts Safety Student Just In Case Top Choices Don’t Work Out +Fantasy Baseball Team Suffers Major Setback As Owner Embarks On Weeklong Honeymoon Without Internet Access +Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously +Man Waiting In H&R Block Lobby Nervously Eyeing How Much More Paperwork Everyone Else Brought +Ron Paul Withholding Presidential Endorsement Until True Libertarian Candidate Enters Race +Who Is Rand Paul? +Judge: Woman Can File Divorce Papers On Facebook +Mike Krzyzewski Admits He’d Like To Smack Grayson Allen’s Precious Fucking Baby Face +Report: Holding Trophy Above Head Still Number One Celebration Technique +SeaWorld Responds To California Drought By Draining Animal Tanks Halfway +Grandma Will Always Be Alive As Long As You Remember Her And Never Think About Anything Else +Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin +Supporters Raise $840K For Anti–Gay Marriage Pizza Joint +California Officials Assure Residents There Still Plenty Of Other Natural Resources To Waste +Woman Drawn To Shampoo With Most Gruesome Description Of Hair +The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices +Stephen Strasburg Encourages Pitchers To Shorten Games By Increasing Speed Of Fastball +Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation +Report: High School Students Using Instagram To Choose Colleges +Stanford Offering Free Tuition To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $125,000 +Cubs Insist Wrigley Field Beef Machine Will Be Ready For Opening Day +Out-Of-Style Woman Still Has Last Season’s Body Issues +Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party +McDonald’s Raising Wages 10% To Attract Better Workers +Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock +Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives +How California Is Conserving Water +Madame Tussauds Appoints ‘Tissue Attendant’ To Comfort One Direction Fans +Narcissist Convinced Total Strangers Would Want His Organs +Wes Welker Fielding Offers From Numerous Concussion Researchers +Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run +Chris Hemsworth Deputizes Hunk To Assume ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Duties In His Absence +Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products +Karl Lagerfeld’s Cat Made $3 Million Last Year From Modeling Gigs +Tips For Dealing With College Rejection +Study: Kids Allowed To Sip Alcohol Drink More As Teens +60-Year-Old Corporate Executive Grotesquely Forms Word ‘Hashtag’ +Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit +Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz Back Into Work After Maternity Leave Without Bringing Baby To Office +Aaron Hernandez’s Fiancée: ‘I Have No Idea What Incriminating Evidence Was In The Box I Threw Out’ +Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public +New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems +NBC Announces Next Live Musical Will Be ‘The Wiz’ +Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect +Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley +Report: Artist Who Drew Iconic Obama ‘Hope’ Poster Has Lost Hope In Him +Child Therapist Excited To Actually Be Seeing Patient With Psychological Issues +FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund +SkyMall Announces Return Of Print Edition To Planes +Scientists Make Unclear Breakthrough After Giving Robot Cancer +Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended +Survey: 1 In 4 Harvard Seniors Didn’t Have Sex During College +The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette +Report: Underpaid Migrant Laborers Working 18 Hours Per Day On FIFA Legal Defense +Olay Getting Women To Drop Guard With Few Nonjudgmental Ads Before Nailing Them With Body Shame +Tech Industry Employees Drinking Liquid Meals To Work Longer Hours +GM Announces Plans To Recall Driverless Car By 2021 +Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is +FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States +IRS: Hackers Stole Info From 100,000 Taxpayers +Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair +Alarming Report Finds Hundreds Of Items Still Not Available In S’Mores Flavor +Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum +Report: George W. Bush Offered To Officiate Gay Wedding In 2013 +Preventing Childhood Obesity +Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship +Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza +PacSun Receives Backlash For Selling Inverted American Flag T-Shirt On Memorial Day +Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth +2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground +It’s Terrifying To Think That In 1,000 Years, All Of Us Will Be Forgotten Except For Me +Study: Skipping Meals May Lead To Belly Fat +Man Confident Perfect Dating App Waiting For Him Out There Somewhere +Parents Clinging To Lone Religious Element Of Daughter’s Wedding Ceremony +Police Assure Residents Kidnapping Was Only One Of Those Custody-Related Ones +Car Buying Tips +Six Flags Adds Sleeper Cars To Its Roller Coasters For Passengers Who Prefer More Restful Ride +Airplane Rains Down Human Waste On Teen’s Sweet 16 Party +James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard +Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series +Matt Lauer Waits In Parking Garage For Anonymous Source On Parenting Trends +Middle School Teacher Arrested For Allowing Students To Have Sex In Classroom +Declassified Documents Reveal Bin Laden’s Al-Qaeda Job Application +Strongside/Weakside: James Harden +Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media +Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game +Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound +College Allowing Students Individual Commencement Speakers To Make Ceremony Acceptable For All +Man Celebrates Raise Company Will Eventually Use To Justify Firing Him +Starbucks Partners With Spotify To ‘Make The Barista The DJ’ +Proposed Law Would Require Mothers To Look At Pictures Of Congressmen She Disappointing Before Having Abortion +Roger Goodell, Robert Kraft Attempt To Rekindle Relationship With Spa Getaway +Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now +Pros And Cons Of Raising The Minimum Wage +U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties +Los Angeles Approves $15 Minimum Wage +Vilsack Stays Up All Night With Sick Corn Plant +Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions +Woman Already Off To Bad Start As Mother After Requesting Epidural +Study: Kids Perform Better When Schools Ban Cell Phones +Child Unaware Just How Many Of His Toys Intended To Steer Him Away From Homosexuality +Heartless Monster Walks Out Of Local Small Business Without Buying Anything +Report: Cannes Bans Women Not Wearing High Heels +Breakup Survival Tips +FAO Schwarz Closing Flagship Store Due To Rising Rent +Until I Had Kids, I Never Thought I Could Love Something Almost As Much As Myself +New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age +Hillary Clinton Campaign Shuts Down After Blowing Through $2 Billion In First Month +Scientists: Flies May Have Capacity For Fear +Famous Television Finales +Wedding Guest Blissfully Unaware She Barely Made The Cut +Study: Average Father Thinks About Sealing In Meat’s Juices 4 To 5 Hours A Day +Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface Of How Pathetic He Actually Is +Study: Most Parents Of Obese Children Think Kids Are ‘Just Right’ +Chicago Taco Bell Could Be First In Nation To Serve Alcohol +McDonald’s Turns 75 +Report: Most Arena Football Games End With Players Just Kind Of Walking Off Field +Report: Millennials Leaving Christian Faith In Droves +Media Organizations Make Pilgrimage To Facebook Headquarters To Lay Content At Foot Of Mark Zuckerberg +Treasury Department Honors Women With First Female Currency +Outdoor Movie Guest Excited To Watch Barely Audible ‘Back To The Future’ While Sitting On Tree Root +Study: Humans Now Have Shorter Attention Spans Than Goldfish +Tips For Last-Minute Test Cramming +Fed-Up Employee Just About 14 Years Away From Walking Out Door +New OkCupid Feature Alerts Users When It’s Time To Come Crawling Back +Report: Putting Head In Hands And Moaning Quietly Still Best Way To Get Through Next Several Seconds +Brewers Stay After Game To Run The Bases +Report: White House Officials Deliberately Hid FDR’s Mechanical Spider Legs From Public +ACLU Requests Investigation Into Hollywood Sexism +Retailers Testing Virtual Fitting Rooms With Smart Mirrors +Newly Sworn-In North Korean Official Wondering How He’ll Eventually Be Executed +Features Of The Obama Presidential Library +Decaying City Just Wants To Skip To Part Where It Gets Revitalized Restaurant Scene +Shell Assures Nation Most Arctic Wildlife To Go Extinct Well Before Next Spill +Nation Braces Itself Before Clicking On Article About 55-Year-Old Ex-NFL Player +Report: U.S. Hospitals Spend $2 Billion Each Year Replacing Gowns Taken By Escaped Patients +Report: Chris Christie Spent $300K From Expense Account On Food, Drinks +One-Year-Old Still Waiting For Father’s First Words +Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child +Bears GM Confident Team Has Right Pieces In Place To Trade Jay Cutler +Report: Professor Requires Students To Take Final Exam In The Nude +NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045 +A Woman As Beautiful And Intoxicated As Yourself Shouldn’t Be Drinking Alone, My Dear +Whole Foods Launching Chain Of Cheaper Stores For Millennials +Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots +Pantene Releases New Complicated 1-In-2 Shampoo +Anthropologists Discover Ancient Greek Super PAC That Helped Shape First Democracy +Starbucks Won’t Bottle Water In California During Drought +Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing +Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son +Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification +Study: Pregnant Women’s Cell Phone Rings May Startle Fetus +Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery +Study: Half Of Tinder Users Aren’t Single +Unemployed Sibling Makes Last Push For Group Mother’s Day Gift +God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans +Trip To Bar Gives Friends Opportunity To Sit Around, Do Nothing In Different Place +Police Searching For Teen Who Spray-Painted ‘Promposal’ On Cliffside +Strongside/Weakside: Stephen Curry +Buccaneers In-House Counsel Already Has 26 Missed Calls From Jameis Winston +Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured +Guide To Building Your Personal Brand +McDonald’s Reintroduces Hamburgler As Attractive Suburban Dad +Museum Of Repressed American History Conceals New Exhibit On Tuskegee Experiments +Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M. +Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations +Urban Polling Centers Recommend Voters Start Lining Up Now For 2016 Election +Snowden Documents: NSA Can Search For Words Spoken In Phone Calls +What Is A Super PAC? +World Wildlife Fund Now Just Trying To Get Few Nice Photos Of Every Species For Posterity +Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives +Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years +Tourists Break 18th-Century Hercules Statue Trying To Snap Selfie +Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month +Maximum-Security Prison Houses State’s Most Hardened, Violent Guards +Prescription Label Recommends Just Taking More And More Until Something Kicks In +Man Nearly Loses Arms After Injecting Them To Look Like The Hulk +College Student Arrested For Spitting, Spraying Windex In Roommates’ Food +Head Of National Potato Council Declares U.S. In Midst Of Potato Renaissance +Having My First Child Was A Better High Than All The Ecstasy I’ve Ever Done +Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee +Study: Online Breast Milk May Be Mixed With Cow’s Milk +All Of Child’s Fondest Memories Times When Dad Trying To Make Up For Things +Mayweather-Pacquiao Fight Derided As Boring +Who Is Ben Carson? +Who Is Carly Fiorina? +Fetus Going To Pretend He Doesn’t Hear Loud Argument Coming From Other Side Of Uterine Wall +Obama Lays Out Plan To Achieve Lasting Peace Talks In Middle East +Guy Who Died Playing ‘League Of Legends’ In Internet Café Really Starting To Ruin Game For Other Patrons +Study: Funny Men Better In Bed +Report: Philippines Citizens Currently Watching Their Congressman Fight A Guy On TV +Pinwheeling, Out-Of-Control Horse Crashes Into Kentucky Derby Stands +School District Served Meat From 2009, Hid Stench With Gravy +Top Prom Trends For 2015 +Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them +Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good +‘Avengers’ Sequel Picks Up Where First Film’s Profits Left Off +Typography Expert: Times New Roman Bad Choice For Résumé +Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years +Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time +No One Seems To Know Guy Leaning Against Batting Cages Giving Hitting Advice +Hundreds Of Cheap, Generic Doorstops Flood Market After DoorBlocker Patent Runs Out +Researchers Say Virgin Mary Actually God’s Second Choice To Bear Son +New Extended Paternity Leave Offers Dads More Time To Lose Colleagues’ Respect +Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess +Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts +‘Prince George Effect’ Leads To Skyrocketing Croc Sales +Samsung Introducing ‘Clear Truck’ To Make Driving Safer +The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline +Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Most Buck-Wild Pride Parade Nation’s Ever Seen +Report: Only 47,000 Social Justice Milestones To Go Before U.S. Achieves Full Equality +Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In +Study: Majority Of Time Machine Owners Use Device Primarily To Get Couple More Hours Of Sleep +Stadium’s Pathetic Home Run Animation Doesn’t Even Show Ball Screaming While Leaving Earth +Marathon Training Tips +Man Just Needs To Power Through Another Day Of Not Being Broke And Unemployed +Americans Take Brief Break From Waiting On Hold With Insurance Providers To Celebrate Obamacare Ruling +Teens Dream Up Condoms That Change Color When Exposed To STDs +Family Enters Crisis Talks After Learning Restaurant Has 45-Minute Wait +Boss’s Clout Evaporates After He’s Seen In Shorts At Company Picnic +Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal +Mom Triumphantly Drags Hotel Pool Lounge Chair Back To Family Like Fresh Kill +Report: American Households Throw Away $640 Worth Of Food Each Year +Report: More American Children Raised By Carjackers Who Didn’t Realize There Was Someone In Backseat +World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain +Timeline Of Mass Extinction +Gmail Unveils ‘Unsend’ Option +Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down +Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator +Taylor Swift Delivers Fans’ Pregnancy News +Braves Manager Reminds Players He’ll Throw Out All Unclaimed Steroids In Locker Room Fridge On Friday +Non-Denominational Terrorist Organization Welcomes Extremists Of All Faiths +Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer +Man Excited To Look Like Different Type Of Idiot In Front Of Coworkers At Bar +Walmart Pulling Confederate Flag Merchandise From Shelves +Disney World Forced To Euthanize Character That Attacked Visitor +Vending Machine Most Up-To-Date Technology In School +Stupid 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health +Pete Rose, Tim Donaghy Among Class Of 2015 Inductees For Sports Betting Hall Of Fame +Sony Demands That Spider-Man Be Straight, White +The Only Way To Get Over Your Fear Of The Moon Is To Walk On It +Mom Recommends Previously Unheard-Of Form Of Transportation Son Could Take To Get Home +Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan +Black Man In Support Of Confederate Flag Triples His Media Appearance Rates +Jeb Bush Surprised How Easily Stance On Confederate Flag Set Him Apart From Other Republican Candidates +South Carolina Refuses To Remove Confederate Flag From Capitol Trailer +Etsy Bans Sale Of Metaphysical Items +Mentor To Younger Women In Company Lets Herself Knock One Down Once In A While As Treat +Report: Biggest Parenting Fear Remains Losing Child In High-Stakes Poker Tournament +Comic Book Fans Adamant That Human Torch Be Played By Actor Whose Body Actually Engulfed In Flames +Ungrateful Man Just Up And Dies After Everything Insurance Company Has Done For Him +Study: Cat Videos Boost Energy, Positive Emotion +God Admits He Too Close To Creation To Judge Whether It Any Good Or Not +Walmart Moves Greeters Back To Front Of Stores +Report: 98% Of German Sexual Intercourse Uploaded To Pornhub +Younger Vikings Players Picking Adrian Peterson’s Brain For Parenting Tips +Study: 84% Of Couples Who Walk Around Exploring New Neighborhood Never Make It Home +Treasury Department Asking Public To Help Choose Woman On New $10 Bill +NRA Starts Up Their Shit About What Would Be Even Greater Injustice +Serial Killer Admits He’s Lost Track Of Pattern He Was Going For Originally +Bubba Watson Horrified To Learn Two-Thirds Of Earth Covered In Water Hazards +Guy Sipping Energy Drink On Subway Probably Heading Off To Snowboard In X Games Or Something +Frustrated Republicans Argue Pope Should Leave Science To Scientists Who Deny Climate Change +Highlights Of The Pope’s Climate Change Encyclical +Report: Donald Trump Paid Background Actors $50 To Cheer Him At Rally +Patriots Horrified After New Super Bowl Rings Cause Fingers To Shrivel Up, Turn Black +National Dialogue Dusted Off +FDA Gives Food Corporations 3 Years To Eliminate Trans Fats +Wedding Album Off To Bizarre Start With Photo Of 2 Acorns Floating In Glass Of Water +Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Top Summer Internships For 2015 +Study Finds Dangers Even In Casual Bullfighting +Neil Young Mad At Donald Trump For Using Song For Campaign +Man Recalls Desperate, Exhausting 14-Month Job Search That Made Him Want To Get Into Sales +Banking Tech Firm Develops Software That Lets Customers Use Emojis As Passwords +U.S. Consumers Announce Plan To Get One Of Those +Less Popular Friend Proposes Combining Birthdays Into Single Party +Gap Closures To Leave Americans With Fewer Places To Buy Pants For Friend’s Wedding At Last Second +Gap Closing 175 Locations In Favor Of Smaller, ‘More Vibrant’ Stores +Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer +Candidate Profile: Donald Trump +Police Headquarters Completes New Addition To Accommodate Officers On Desk Duty For Misconduct +Study: Dogs Can Tell When People Are Nice To Their Owners +Study Finds Girls Go Through Manga Phase Earlier Than Boys +Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go +One Time I Punched A Goose Right Out Of The Air +Pope Francis Calls On Catholics To Pay Attention To The Environment +Beefy Little Boy On Boogie Board Misses Fourth Wave In A Row +Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria +Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush +North Korean Military Developing Parade Capable Of Traveling 5,000 Miles +Fox News Holding Second Primary Debate For Less Popular GOP Candidates +Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres Of Federal Land For Anonymous Sexual Encounters +Coworker Who Just Threw Fit And Stormed Out Of Room Looked Like Total Badass +TV Commercial For Beverage Features Woefully Reckless Pouring Technique +Guest Given Air Mattress That Will Slowly Deflate Throughout Night +NBA Players Association Calls For Increased Referee Presence In High-Foul Areas +Couple Threatens To Divorce If Gay Marriage Legalized +Tampa Bay Lightning Maintain Home Advantage By Restricting Admission To Fans Weighing 300 Pounds Or Less +North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s +Billionaire: I Was Happier When I Made $12 A Month +Embarrassed Snake Can’t Believe Documentary Crew Caught It Whiffing While Lunging At Toad +Man Forced To Come Up With 45 Seconds Of Facial Expressions While Waitress Lists Off Specials +Detective Behind Two-Way Mirror Nervously Crosses Arms As Criminal Addresses Him Directly +Lance Armstrong Compares Himself To Lord Voldemort +LeBron James Clearly Expecting Cleveland-Area Deli To Give Him Free Sandwich +2015 Summer Festival Guide +FIFA Advises Female Players Unhappy With Turf To Spend More Time In Midair +Man Treats Mother To Detail About His Personal Life +Struggling Justice Alito Sent Down To Lower Federal Court +Kellogg’s Launching ‘Netflix For Snacks’ Subscription Service +Report: San Francisco To Shut Doors Over Rising Rent +Rick Santorum Slightly Embarrassed For Man Introducing Him As Next President Of United States +Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being +Hotshot Product Talking Big Game About Being Good For Consumer +Study Finds Humans’ Greatest Swing In Mood Occurs Between Leaving Office For Lunch, Returning Afterwards +Report: 87% Of Americans Unaware They Have Been Chosen In Later Rounds Of MLB Draft +World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker +Artificial Turf At Women’s World Cup Seen As Gender Discrimination +Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel +New Law Determines Bullets No Longer Responsibility Of Owner Once Fired From Gun +Seattle Installing Ping-Pong Tables In Public Parks To Deter Crime +Strongside/Weakside: Matthew Dellavedova +Report: Most For-Profit Colleges Started In Effort To Pay Off Own Student Debt +Experts Say Best Option Now Is Keeping Nation As Comfortable As Possible Till End +College Board Under Fire For SAT Printing Error +FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man +Amazon Quietly Pulls ISIS Magazine From Site +Idiot Zoo Animal With Zero Predators Still Protective Of Young +Neighbor Still Has Tree Standing In Yard Weeks After Arbor Day +Spring Awakening +Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling +‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Shocked After Some Little Goblin Or Something Killed Off In Last Night’s Episode +Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win +Triple Crown Won For First Time In 37 Years +Area Woman Not A Morning, Afternoon, Or Night Person +Study Finds No Actual Benefit To Eating Placenta +Excited African Safari Tourists Quietly Marvel As Poacher Stalks Prey +Automakers Ask Nation If It Still Wants That Handle Above Car Windows +Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign +Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus +Barbie Now Able To Wear Flats +Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S. +Report: More U.S. Families Living With Multiple Generations Of Xbox Under One Roof +Tanned, Exquisitely Coiffed Bernie Sanders Tells Supporters Corporations Actually Have A Lot To Offer +Economists Warn New Graduates May Have To Tough It Out For 5 To 6 Weeks Before Landing Dream Job +Woman Only Willing To Learn New Things In Settings Called Boot Camp +Baseball Fan Attempting To Visit Each MLB Player’s Home In One Season +Walmart Allowing Employees To Wear Denim To Raise Spirits +Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers +Excited, Nervous J.R. Smith Unable To Sleep Through David Blatt’s Pregame Speech +Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up +Candidate Profile: Rick Perry +Cameron Crowe Apologizes For Casting Emma Stone As Multiracial Character In ‘Aloha’ +Nation’s Dogs Vow To Keep Their Shit Together During 4th Of July Fireworks +New Claritin Flamethrower Incinerates Whatever Causing Allergies +Report: Asian Ivy League Applicants Coached To Be ‘Less Asian’ +Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning +Study: Chimps Have The Mental Ability To Cook Food +Swedish Fathers Likely To Get 3 Months Paid Paternity Leave +Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People +New Montana Tourism Campaign Marketed Toward Urban Bison +Man At Party Comes Crawling Back To Conversation He Thought He Could Do Better Than +New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In +Caitlyn Jenner Receives Praise From Obama Twitter Account +2015 Wedding Trends +TSA Agents To Now Simply Stand At Checkpoints And Remind Passengers That We All Die Someday +Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation +When You Drive A Taxi, You See All Kinds Of Fares +‘FIFA 16’ To Add Female Soccer Players +Hospital Gift Shop Figures It Can Soak ’Em For 30 On The ‘I’m Thinking Of You’ Teddy Bear +FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down +Stewardess Denies Muslim Woman Can Of Coke Over Violence Fears +Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham +Frustrated NSA Now Forced To Rely On Mass Surveillance Programs That Haven’t Come To Light Yet +Disgruntled Bandmates Worried Rivers Cuomo’s Wife Becoming The Fifth Weezer +Transgender Community Caught Slightly Off Guard By Baskin-Robbins’ Enthusiastic Support +Report: Girls Seek Sisterhood When Joining ISIS +Family Spends Relaxing Weekend Destroying Outdoors +Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby +Officials: Plane Wreckage Likely MH370 +Worker Who Forgot Email Attachment Expects Coworkers To Forgive Her Just Like That +Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann +Anti-MDMA Campaign Warns Teens About Dangers Of Feeling More Connected To Others +First Female NFL Coach Hired +Fan Bravely Ventures To Other Side Of Stadium In Search Of Better Food Options +How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop +Washington, D.C. Sinking Into Sea +Report: Rising Disney World Ticket Costs Prompting Many Parents To Leave Children At Home +Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America +Jim Harbaugh Spends Day Testing Every Single Seat View In Michigan Stadium +Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute +Company Flat-Out Asks Female Candidate How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Her Before She Has Baby +Twitter Deleting Stolen Jokes +Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes +American Regrets Role In Killing Famous Lion +Bloated Obama Delivers Press Conference From Couch Behind Podium +Matt Damon Loses $500 To Guy Who Promised Professional-Looking Headshots +Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture +NFL Enacts New Rules In Wake Of Deflategate +Relationship At Point Where Woman Has To Learn Boyfriend’s Family’s Weird Card Games +Campaign Consultant Presents Scott Walker Several Human Sides To Choose From +Tips For Traveling With Young Children +Area Man Still Talking About Crazy Productive Afternoon 4 Months Ago +Boston Pulls Bid For 2024 Olympics +What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games +Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket +Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again +Overcrowded GOP Field Forces Iowa To Construct Massive Town Hall Stadium +‘Some Of This Is Probably Water,’ Man In Stadium Bathroom Hopes +I’d Like To See The Government Try And Take Away My Trash +JFK International Airport Plans $48 Million Animal Facility +The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss +Boy Scouts To Lift Ban On Gay Leaders +GOP Candidates Offered Cash Voucher To Give Up Spot And Participate In Later Election +Tour De France Won By Rowdy, Tattooed Biker From Harley Davidson Team +Honest Wedding Website Admits There Jack Shit For Guests To Do While In Town +Bing Removing Revenge Porn +Study: Those Who Go To College Earn More Degrees Over Lifetime Than Those Who Do Not +Exercise Might Help Treat Alzheimer’s +Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right +Red Cross Installs Blood Drop-Off Bins For Donors’ Convenience +Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring +Scientists Warn Planet Cannot Support Growing Gronkowski Population +Oldest Quran Fragments Found In U.K. +Fan Has List Of Dream Marketers He’d Love To See Handle Next Spider-Man Film +Woman Quickly Cycles Through Non-Threatening Voice Inflections Before Expressing Concern +Do You Know Why I’m Pulling You Over, Being Wildly Aggressive, And Charging You With Assault Today, Sir? +Armadillos Possible Cause Of Leprosy Outbreak +Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents +Ticketed Motorist Pointing Finger Just The Green Light Cop Needed +Longtime Science Textbook Retires After 40 Years In Public School System +Sexist Men Found To Be Bigger Losers +Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male +Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’ +This Great Song, Bar Sources Report +Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey +Mosquitoes Use Complex Tactics To Seek Human Prey +Report: Airlines Installing Uncomfortable Bumps In Seatbacks Because It Pleases Them +Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale +What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations +4 Hours Scrolling Through Facebook Before Bed Referred To As ‘Winding Down’ +Seaweed That Tastes Like Bacon Could Help Environment +Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don’t You? +Long John Silver’s Introduces New Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep +Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story +Ashley Madison Website Hacked +Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists +Dixie Donates $5 Million In Clean Drinking Cups To Drought-Ravaged Southern Africa +Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science +Study: Cannabis Helps Heal Broken Bones +College Residence Office Gets Kick Out Of Pairing Up Few Roommates Who Will Fucking Hate Each Other +Blogger Takes Few Moments Every Morning To Decide Whether To Feel Outraged, Incensed, Or Shocked By Day’s News +U.S. Embassy Reopens In Cuba After 54 Years +If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First +Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews +Nephew Surprised By How Much Bigger Aunt Has Gotten Since Last Year +Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders +Linguists Restore Pride In ‘Hillbilly’ Dialect +Anthropologists Unearth Possible Missing Link Between A- And B-List Celebrities +Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure +Google’s Self-Driving Car Linked To First Collision Injury +Man Sadly Realizes Cramped One-Bedroom Apartment Has Enough Space To Host Party With All His Friends +Child’s Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal +Fresca Quietly Takes Control Of 18-34 Demographic In Daring Overnight Raid +Home Run Ball Travels 3,000 Miles To Birthplace At Rawlings Factory +Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency +Former Auschwitz Guard Sentenced To 4 Years In Prison +World’s Oldest Sperm Discovered +Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration +Toddler Unsettled By Whatever Possessed Her To Bite Friend’s Face +Commerce Secretary Urges Nation To Get In On Piece Of The Action +Tips For Cheaper Airfare +Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris +Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen +FDA Delays Calorie Counts On Menus Until 2016 +New OmniGrain Cheerios Made With Every Existing Grain On Earth +Climate Change Causing Bumblebee Die-Off +Parents Dedicate New College Safe Space In Honor Of Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once +Disneyland Turns 60: A Look Back +Hungover Man Horrified To Learn He Made Dozens Of Plans Last Night +New Airline Seats Would Place Passengers Face-To-Face +Federal League Once Again Snubbed By MLB All-Star Game +Walmart Announces Sales To Rival Amazon Prime Day +What We’ve Learned About Pluto +U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles +The Case For And Against The Iranian Nuclear Deal +Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, ‘My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune’ +I Will Drink Every Last Drop Of Water On Earth +CDC: Cuddling Chickens Leads To Salmonella +Palestinian Man Marvels At How Much Childhood Refugee Camp Has Changed +Report: Mom Would Rather Sit Here And Watch You Guys Have Fun +Prison Warden Vows To Take Away El Chapo’s Tunnel Privileges If Captured +Mexican Drug Lord Escapes Prison +Hillary Clinton Suspended 3 Weeks By FEC For Spitting On Volunteer +Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio +Candidate Profile: Scott Walker +Trip To Office Kitchen Hastily Altered To Trip To Bathroom To Evade Despised Coworker +Study: ‘Real’ Vampires Deserve Proper Treatment +Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child +Large-Scale Government Data Breach Affects 21 Million +Doctor Makes Half-Hearted Alternative Suggestions Before Handing Over Drugs +Study: Mammograms Less Effective Than Previously Thought +Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son +Report: Nation’s Ditches Overflowing With Children Of Worried Parents +South Carolina Votes To Remove Confederate Flag +How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers +Area Man’s Favorite Things All Types Of Meat +55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game +Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts +Breaking: Flight Attendant Currently Attempting To Pass Cup Of Cranberry Juice Over Your Laptop +Heroin Use On Rise In U.S. +Informal Tone Of Cover Letter Sets Job Applicant Apart From Seriously Considered Candidates +The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag +Russian Police Advocate ‘Safe Selfies’ +Making The Most Of Your Summer Camp Experience +Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace +Study: Majority Of Baseball Games Between Twins, A’s +Researchers: People Age At Different Rates +How Greece Can Solve Its Debt Crisis +Bankers Fired Over Fake ISIS Beheading Video +ZZ Top Reveals Meaning Behind Classic Song ‘Legs’ +Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State +Comic-Con Survival Guide +New York City Abuzz Over New Resident +Man Desperately Trying To Wring Every Last Ounce Of Relaxation From Final Day Of Vacation +Grateful Dead Farewell Tour Draws Record Crowd +Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle +U.S. Wins Women’s World Cup +Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs +Authorities Warn Away Fans At Dodger Stadium To Always Wear Team-Neutral Body Armor +Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant +Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does +‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating +Female Friend Group Fails In One Duty Of Providing Good Gynecologist Recommendation +Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintance’s Sexual Orientation +Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar +Mt. McKinley To Be Renamed Denali +Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams +Ted Cruz Worried All The Good Countries To Wall Off Taken By Other Candidates +Santorum Nostalgic For Time When Beliefs Were Outlandish Enough To Make Headlines +Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window +The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution +Caitlyn Jenner Halloween Costume Sparks Outrage +New Magnet School Opens For Students With Interest In Receiving Competent Education +1 Billion Users Log Onto Facebook In Single Day +Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years +Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina? +Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal +Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford +Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding +Majority Of NFL Players Say They Wouldn’t Let Their Son Play Preseason Football +Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown +National Zoo Panda Cub Dies +Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP’s Female Experience Simulator +Nation To Try Channeling Outrage Over Gun Control Into Issue That Can Actually Be Addressed +A Look At The Class Of 2019 +ISIS Operatives Destroy Hofner Bass Guitar Signed By Paul McCartney +Drug-Resistant ‘Super Lice’ On The Rise +Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously +Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’ +Report: Limbo Competition Nation’s Last Example Of Pure Meritocracy +Lindsey Graham Struggling To Stay Awake While Driving Empty Campaign Bus Overnight To Next Event +Partners Who Share Parenting Duties Have Better Sex +Barbara Bush Calls White House To See If She Can Leave Husband There For Few Hours +Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing +Oh God, Invitation To Lunch Somehow Trickled Down To Office Weirdos +How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls +Fraternity Penalized For Offensive Banners +Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government +Area Man Incapable Of Making Plans Without Excitedly Rubbing Palms Together +Unfortunately, Nobody Met Our Standards To Be September’s ‘Penthouse’ Pet +Study: Patients Lose More Weight With Doctor Support +Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping +Scientists Confident Artificially Intelligent Machines Can Be Programmed To Be Lenient Slave Masters +Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab +Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates +Out-Of-Control Scott Walker Injured After Wildly Careening Between Stances On Immigration +Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who’s Openly Horrible To Them +Whales Found Dead In ‘Mortality Event’ In Alaska +Chiefs Rookies Forced To Lug Andy Reid’s Snacks To And From Practice +Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses +Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian +Man To Undergo Extensive Interrogation By Coworkers About Where He Got Falafel +Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho +Report: July 2015 Hottest Month On Record +Office Disgusted By Two Coworkers Getting All Chummy With Each Other +Banksy Opens ‘Dismaland’ Theme Park +Entire Ruby Tuesday Waitstaff Just Trying To Ignore Table Holding Fantasy Football Draft +College Still Looking For Absolute Saddest Place On Campus To Hold Transfer Student Orientation +Terrifying Server Whole-Heartedly Cares About Guests’ Dining Experience +Relieved Scott Walker Narrowly Avoids Acknowledging Immigrants’ Humanity During Campaign Speech +Lindsey Graham Can’t Believe He Left CD With Campaign Song At Red Roof Inn +It Impossible To Tell What Sounds Will Freak Out Cat +Mayor Calls For Crackdown On Topless Women In Times Square +Jason Witten Can’t Believe He Stuck Rooming With Jerry Jones During Training Camp Again +Massive Sinkhole In Florida Reopens +What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’ +Family Cuts Nursing Home Visit Short So Grandmother Can Get Back To Excruciating Loneliness +New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package +New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation +Government Agencies Soliciting Yelp Reviews +Underworld Health Organization Launches Initiative To Improve Incubus Immortality Rate +Redskins Maintain They Were Legally Granted Right To Name By 1807 Treaty Of Blackwater Creek +Subway’s Jared Will Allegedly Plead Guilty To Child Porn +Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order +Climate Change Deniers Present Graphic Description Of What Earth Must Look Like For Them To Believe +Why Westerners Join ISIS +New ‘Drinkable Book’ Could Provide Millions With Clean Water +Man Doing Karaoke Clearly Sings This One Every Time +Cocaine Dealer Most Upstanding Guy Wall Street Broker Knows +Americans Outraged Amazon’s Punishing Work Culture Has Yet To Yield Same-Day Shipping For All Products +Amazon Exposé Alleges Mistreatment Of Workers +Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans +Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints +Report: Distracted Driving Results In More Than 5,000 Unfinished Texts Each Year +Put My Beautiful Daughter On The $10 Bill +Encouraging Study Finds It Now Easier Than Ever For American Dollars To Rise Into Upper Class +Paparazzi Using ‘Dangerous’ Tactics To Photograph Prince George +Apartment Listing Sweetens The Pot With Offer To Sell Current Tenant’s 9-Year-Old Furniture +Disney Adding ‘Star Wars’ Attractions To Parks +Details Of Donald Trump’s Immigration Plan +Hillary Clinton Assured Drop In Polls Just Indication People Haven’t Abandoned Ideals Yet +Tips For Handling A Picky Eater +St. Louis Rams Threaten To Leave Town Unless Taxpayers Personally Build Stadium With Bare Hands +Drones Could Be Causing Stress To Wildlife +God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion +Study: Human Reaction Time Now Best Measured By How Long It Takes To Pause ESPN Video Player +British Authorities Combat ‘Cyber-Flashing’ +Huckabee Campaign Suspended After Candidate Trapped In Briar Patch +Highlights From NFL Training Camp +Poll Finds Americans’ Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them +Octopus Species Filmed Mating Face-To-Face +What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far +Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected +Music Found To Speed Recovery In Surgery Patients +Vilsack Reprimanded For Spending Work Hours Writing Corn Blog +Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark +Cockroach Worried About What Kind Of Kitchen Cupboard He Leaving To Children +Recent Graduate Figures She Might As Well Do Good In World Until Economy Picks Up +Hazed NFL Rookie Forced To Pay For Rest Of Team’s Child Support +Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Man’s Life +Report: Average American Feels Comfortable In Own Skin For Only 6% Of Day +Use Of ‘LOL’ On The Decline +This Obviously Aliens’ First Abduction +Report Finds No Protocol For Cleaning Hospitals +Man Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving There +GMOs: Myth vs. Fact +Lone Tent A Dark Harbinger Of Looming Street Festival +Russia Destroys 4 Tons Of Banned Imported Food +Arne Duncan Stressed About Preparing For Standardized Secretary Of Education Exam +Male Friends Depart For Annual Camping Trip To Complain About Camping +New Study Finds Earth’s Core Will Be Most Habitable Part Of Planet By 2060 +Area Man Nostalgic For Time When Ads Targeting Him Not As Sad +Colorado Declares State Of Emergency Over Wastewater Spill +Timeline Of Google’s History +Restaurant’s Nacho Challenge Requires Participants To Watch Man Consume 3 Pounds Of Nachos +NFL To Prohibit Family Members From Delivering Speeches At Players’ Funerals +What Coca-Cola Does To The Body +Little Leaguer Immediately Becomes Major League–Caliber All-Star After Putting Chewing Tobacco In Mouth +Mom’s Fears About Daughter Leaving For College Channeled Into Fight About Storage Bins +Poll: 89% Of Americans Believe Obama Has Failed To Bring America Closer To Celestial Utopia Of Endless Pleasure +Netflix Offering Year-Long Paid Parental Leave +Lindsey Graham Stays Up All Night Running Campaign Ideas By Toll-Free Telephone Operator +Target To Remove Gender-Based Labels In Stores +How The GOP Can Appeal To Women +How New Parents Can Stay Healthy +Top 2014 Films Show Wide Diversity Gap +Curt Schilling Spends ‘Sunday Night Baseball’ Delivering Real Estate Investment Pitch To John Kruk +Nation’s Pregnant Women Announce Discovery Of Comfortable Sitting Position +How Hackers Steal Data From Websites +If Another Country Ever Started Calling Itself America, I’d Be So Pissed +Most Used Words In The GOP Debate +North Korea To Instate New Time Zone +Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey +Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today +New Statewide Education Standards Require Teachers To Forever Change Lives Of 30% Of Students +Obama Practices Defiant Speech To Aliens Late At Night Behind Oval Office Desk +Having Awkward Conversation With Coworkers In Alternate Venue Referred To As ‘Going Out To Lunch’ +Pope Francis Urges Compassion For Divorced Catholics +Nation’s Pansies Announce Plan To Slowly Acclimate To Pool +Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order +Frustrated Debate Moderator Reminds Audience To Refrain From John Kasich Chants While Other Candidates Speaking +Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is +Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was +Bobby Jindal Vows To Return America To Time When He Was Rising Republican Star +Spicy Foods Could Increase Lifespan +What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate +Patriots Tired Of Jimmy Garoppolo Beginning Every Huddle With ‘This Is My Team Now’ +Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket +Bonobos Make Sounds Like Human Infants +Kermit, Miss Piggy Announce Breakup +Poll: Majority Of Voters Not Looking For Serious, Long-Term Candidate Right Now +The Pros And Cons Of Trophy Hunting +Marco Rubio Climbs Over Garden Wall For Forbidden Midnight Meeting With Super PAC +Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full +‘Thigh Reading’ Trend Takes Hold On Social Media +Report: More Americans Turning To Louder Sources For Their News +Actual Problem A Nice Change Of Pace For Anxious Man +FDA Approves First 3D-Printed Drug +How Campaigns Spend Their Money +Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight +I Want You To Know I’m Just Trying To Replace Your Mom +FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used +Hitchhiking Robot Destroyed On Cross-Country Trip +Hillary Clinton Runs First Presidential Campaign Ads +Bernie Sanders Clearly In Pocket Of High-Rolling Teacher Who Donated $300 To His Campaign +Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan +Alarming Study Finds 60% Of Americans Don’t Know Where Their Next Value Meal Going To Come From +Google Street View Cars To Start Measuring Air Pollution +Humanity Still Producing New Art As Though Megadeth’s ‘Rust In Peace’ Doesn’t Already Exist +Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean +Tearful Andrew Luck Hugs Knees To Chest While Listening To Chuck Pagano, Ryan Grigson Fighting Downstairs +Falling TVs Pose Growing Risk To Children +New Evidence Confirms First Human Ancestors Climbed Down From Trees To Retrieve Dropped Snack +PETA Seeks Copyright For Primate +Death Row Inmate Can’t Deny He Curious To See How State Pulls Off Lethal Injection +Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’ +How The MacArthur Genius Grants Are Awarded +Liquid Water Found On Mars +New Aetna Wedding Registry Lets Guests Purchase Medical Procedures Couple Picked Out +God Has Kind Of A Loose Outline For Us All +‘Ground Zero Mosque’ Developer Now Proposing Luxury Condos +Department Of Education Hires Art Teacher To Spread Evenly Across All U.S. Public Schools +Tips For Training Your Dog +U.N. General Assembly Begins +Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly +Nation Demands NASA Stop Holding Press Conferences Until They Discover Some Little Alien Guys +NFL Week Three Winners And Losers +Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today +Alarming Report Finds Only 6% Of Earth’s Surface Indoors +Yogurt Cups Harming Skunk Population +Wild-Eyed Jim Harbaugh Informs Players They Must Kill Their Pregame Meal +Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God +Pope Spends Day In NYC +Mike Florio Loses 3 Fingers After Accident While Working At ProFootballTalk Rumor Mill +Study: Humans Began Domesticating Animals To Comfort Children Whose Parents Split Up +Area Man Got Good Amount Of Meat In That Last Bite +Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure +Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner +Syracuse Removes ‘Kiss Cam’ From Games +Life-Saving Drug More Accessible To Lab Rat Than Majority Of Americans +Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly +Home Inspector Warns That House Lacks Banister You Can Slide All The Way Down +CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems +World’s Oldest Decapitation Unearthed +Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress +Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game +GOP Candidates Fiercely Divided Over How Much Voltage Border Wall Should Be Electrified With +Screen Actors Guild Develops Retraining Program For 30-Year-Old Actresses Aging Out Of Workforce +Study: Every Human Emits Unique Cloud Of Bacteria +ACLU Stresses That It Legal To Film Garbage Men In All 50 States If You Really Need To +Happy Birthday Song Ruled Out Of Copyright +Dolphins Coaches Trying To Fix Ndamukong Suh’s Quarterback-Throwing Mechanics +Man Hates It When Other Guys Treat His Girlfriend With Respect +Company’s HR Manager Really Pushing Infinite-Deductible Health Care Plan +Missouri Snake Gives Second Virgin Birth +Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary +Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker +Peanut Executive Gets 28 Years In Prison +You Get Into This Business For The Ear And The Nose, But The Throat Grows On You +Pope Francis Reverses Position On Capitalism After Seeing Wide Variety Of American Oreos +Top-Selling iTunes App Pulled After 3 Days +House Lawmakers Brainstorming Some Good Things To Say About Poor People Before Meeting Pope Francis +Local Teen Quits Club That Would’ve Been Tiebreaker In Admission To Dream School +NFL Week Two Winners And Losers +Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky +Viola Davis Celebrates Historic Emmy Win +Pope Francis Kills 3 Hours Milling Around Atlanta Airport During Layover To D.C. +Pope Leaves Detailed Instructions For Taking Care Of Holy Spirit While He Out Of Town +Gallup Pollster Forced To Cut Off Another GOP Voter’s Enraged Rant In Order To Get To Next Call +Climate Change Causing Giant Arctic Mosquitoes To Thrive +Chevron Touts Green Initiative With Hybrid-Powered Oil Drilling Platforms +Rainbow Doritos Debut Online +New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods +A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views +Extension Cord On Stage Steals Spotlight From Jeb Bush During Campaign Rally +Study Finds Movie Attendance Declining As More Americans Act Out Films At Home +Study Finds Majority Of U.S. Currency Has Touched Financial Executive’s Nude Body +Obama Hosts Diplomatic Talks At Starbucks While Oval Office Carpet Cleaned +Whataburger Apologizes To Police Who Were Refused Service +Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota +Study Finds Harshly Criticizing U.S. Education System Only Causing It To Fall Further Behind Peers +Obama Invites Arrested Clock-Building Teen To White House +Luke Kuechly Undergoes Quick Brain Arthroscopy To Clean Up Cerebral Cortex +GOP Promotes Carly Fiorina To Male Candidate After Strong Debate Showing +45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great +Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign +New Prosthetic Hand Provides Sense Of Touch +College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind +Shirtless Mike Huckabee Spends Entire Debate Seated In Rickety Rocking Chair +Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience +GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina +Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility +7-Eleven Delivering ‘Date Night Pack’ +Campaign Staffers Making Progress Conditioning Hillary Clinton To Replicate Emotions +Stouffer’s Debuts New Frozen Meals To Bring Neighbors After Death In Family +Houston To Surpass Chicago As Third-Largest City +Pope’s NYC Visit Leads To Ticket Scalping +How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier +How Migrants Reach Europe +When I Die, My Entire Fortune Will Be Donated To Charity, Except The $40 Billion I Will Have Buried With Me +Species That Had 25 Million Years To Evolve Pathetically Snuffed Out In 8 Years +Experts Refuse To Warn Of Any New Health Hazards Until Americans Deal With Current Backlog +Quirky Restaurant’s Bathroom Had Better Fucking Deliver +Americans Unclear On Obama’s Birthplace, Religion +Miss America CEO Apologizes To Vanessa Williams +NFL Week One Winners And Losers +Who Is Kim Davis? +Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year +Report: Oyster Cracker–Wise, Nation Doing Pretty Good +Atlantic Ocean Excited To Move Into Beautiful Beachfront Mansion Soon +Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now +NASCAR Driver Always Forgets Which Side Of Car Gas Tank On +United CEO Resigns Amid Corruption Charges +Bucs Stadium Now Allowing Fans To Watch Games From Special Swamp Deck +Planned Parenthood Debate Threatens Government Shutdown +Child At 9/11 Memorial Service Sternly Reminded We Are Sad Today +FEC Implements One-Year Break Between All Presidential Terms As Reprieve For Weary Nation +Horrifying Email From Ex-Girlfriend Titled ‘A Few Things’ +Area Dad Doesn’t Like Where Referee Spotted Football +Study: 74% Of Home Contractors End Up Accidentally Walling Themselves In During Housing Construction +Sperm Whales’ Use Of Language Points To Evidence Of Culture +Tearful Anthropologists Discover Dead Ancestor Of Humans 100,000 Years Too Late +Tinder Adds New ‘Super Like’ Feature +How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education +Clinton Apologizes For Email Scandal +Department Of Homeland Security Not About To Raise Alert Level For 14th Anniversary Of 9/11 +Nation’s Marketers Only People Still Trying To Reach Inner-City Child +More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable +Queen Breaks Record For Longest Reign +Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned +Study Finds Earth’s Animals One Giant Creature Before Breaking Apart Millions Of Years Ago +Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation +More Teens Trying To ‘Vape’ Marijuana +Romantic Gesture Too Expensive To Waste On Current Girlfriend +Pathetic 4-Year-Old Needs Father To Stand On Merry-Go-Round Platform For Entire Ride +‘Superhenge’ Discovered Underground Near Stonehenge +Refugees Grateful For Chance To See Europe While Being Bounced From Country To Country +Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With +After Another Incredible Summer, It’s Time To Put My Shirt Back On +Secretary Of Labor Assures Nation There Still Plenty Of Jobs For Americans Willing To Outwork Robots +Amount Of Water Man Just Used To Wash Dish To Be Prize Of Hand-To-Hand Combat Match In 2065 +Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School +Tailgaters Playing Sad Little Game Of Pickup Football In Stadium Parking Lot +County Clerk Who Withheld Marriage Licenses Jailed +Researchers Tout Benefits Of ‘Happy Meals’ Bill +‘Fourth Quarter, Time Winding Down, Super Bowl,’ Report Nation’s 11-Year-Olds +Depression Symptom Checklist Speaking To Area Man As No Poem Ever Could +Scientists Develop Non-Melting Ice Cream +Meet Adam, Your Mom’s Friend’s Son Who Also Lives In Your City +Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top +Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent +Family Trying To Tune Out Hints Of Misogyny As Grandfather Lovingly Recalls Courting Grandmother +King Cobra On The Loose In Orlando +Naked, Dripping Wet Tom Brady Thrilled By Judge’s Decision To Overturn Suspension, Imagines Judge +Denny’s Market Researcher Emerges From Focus Group Shaken After Finding Out What Americans Really Want For Breakfast +Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces +Majority Of Seabirds Have Ingested Plastic +Linda Cohn Finds Tim Kurkjian’s Design For Baseball Card Of Himself In Office Printer +Lockheed Martin Sales Staff Instructed To Really Push Tactical Air-To-Surface Missiles This Week +California To End Unlimited Solitary Confinement +How To Talk To Your Child About Death +Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer +Authorities Block Alleged Site Of ‘Nazi Gold Train’ +5-Year-Old At Underfunded Kindergarten Enjoying Last Few Weeks Before Achievement Gap Kicks In +Full Summer Of Tending Backyard Garden Produces Single Edible Cherry Tomato +New Dating Site Suggests People You Already Know But Thought You Were Too Good For +NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding +NYC’s ‘Taxi Of Tomorrow’ Unveiled +What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100 +You Really Don’t Know Who People Are Until You Make A Vicious Snap Judgment About Them +Relationship In Exciting Early Stage Where Every Exchange Causes Unspeakable Anxiety +Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks +Report: Climate Change To Force People To Double Ice Cream Consumption Speed By 2050 +Researchers: Drinking Water Doesn’t Prevent Hangovers +Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts +God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth +Paul Ryan Elected Speaker Of The House +Vicious, Feral House Republicans Run Loose Across D.C. Following Resignation Of Caretaker +Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween +REI Will Close For Black Friday +Huckabee Earns Nickel For Presidential Campaign By Painting Old Widow’s Picket Fence +China Ends One-Child Policy +Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate +Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again +Team Of Bikini-Clad Women Tend To Injured Dez Bryant In Cowboys’ Rehabilitation Grotto +The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating +Report: Majority Of Married People Get Up And Go To Second Family’s House As Soon As Spouse Asleep +9 Senior White House Staffers Injured In Collapse Of Overcrowded Truman Balcony +Hot Dogs Found To Contain Human DNA +Jeb Bush Inching Podium Closer To Center Of Stage During Commercial Breaks +Carly Fiorina Promises To Fight For Whoever Everyday Americans Are +Study: Monkeys’ Roars Mean Lower Fertility +Gruesome, Deformed Jason Pierre-Paul Lurking In Sewers Beneath MetLife Stadium +John Boehner To Paul Ryan: ‘I Was Once Young And Beautiful Too’ +Candidates Preparing For Colorado Debate Conditions With High-Altitude Speaking Drills +Campaign Advisers Secretly Enjoying Totally Destroying Marco Rubio During Practice Debates +Nation’s Conservationists Warn There Only 8 Trillion Rats Left +New Harry Potter Play In The Works +Experts: Bacon, Hot Dogs Can Cause Cancer +Report: Red Meat Linked To Contentedly Patting Belly +Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals +FBI Counterterrorism Agent Wistfully Recalls Watching 20-Year-Old Muslim-American Grow Up +Domino’s Unveils Delivery Car With Built-In Oven +Report: Of Course That Guy On College’s Alumni Committee Now +New Downloadable Content For ‘Assassin’s Creed Syndicate’ Factored Into Monthly Living Expenses +I Am Fun +Florida Ends Bear Hunting Season After 2 Days +NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers +Weary Nation Says One Or Two More Divisive Issues Should Finish It Off +Guard Gives Death Row Inmate Every Chance To End Life Before They Try New Execution Drug On Him +FCC Lowers Cost Of Prison Calls +Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Personalized False Hope +China Unable To Recruit Hackers Fast Enough To Keep Up With Vulnerabilities In U.S. Security Systems +The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence +Aging Charles Woodson Keeps Asking To Turn Up Sideline’s Heaters +Doctors Failing To Recommend HPV Vaccine +Materialistic Single Mom Constantly Thinking Of Money +Jim Harbaugh Starts Off Day With Early Morning Sprint Through Ann Arbor +Bisquick Unveils Sprawling State-Of-The-Art Silicon Valley Campus +Sunscreen Harming Coral Reefs Worldwide +49ers Medical Staff Abandons Efforts To Reach Injured Player Due To Hazardous Turf Conditions +Biden Will Not Run For President +Paul Ryan Awaiting SoulCycle Instructor’s Approval Before Accepting Speaker Role +Benghazi Committee Instructs Hillary Clinton To Limit Answers To ‘I Failed The American People’ +How Meat Reaches Our Table +Stomach Sets Aside Synthetic Additives Until It Has A Few Minutes To Figure Out How To Digest Them +Subway To Begin Measuring Foot-Long Sandwiches +Pediatricians Warn Pregnant Women Not To Drink +No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball +Government To Confiscate One Person’s Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm +Desperate Ohio Now Exploring Homeopathic Execution Methods +Oprah Winfrey Buys Stake In Weight Watchers +Podcaster Makes Solemn Promise To Improve Sound Quality Next Episode +Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going +Huckabee Forced To Attend Fundraiser With Head Stuck In Molasses Crock +Oscar Pistorius Released From Prison +I Want My Children To Have A Better Nightlife Than I Had +Steve Bartman: ‘You Must Kill Me To Break The Cubs’ Curse’ +Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio +MPAA Adds New Rating To Warn Audiences Of Films Not Based On Existing Works +Survey: More People Fear Technology Than Death +Girlfriend Can Tell Man Bullshitting Way Through Explanation Of Pass Interference Call +Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts +More Americans Coming Out On Facebook +Study Finds 68% Of Americans Unprepared For Sudden Financial Stability +NFL Week Six Winners And Losers +Carson, Trump Threaten To Boycott GOP Debate +State’s Abortion Waiting Period Allows Women To Explore Alternatives To Making Their Own Decisions +Depression, Strained Finances Combine Forces To Produce Grotesque Culinary Abomination +The Pros And Cons Of Freelance Employment +Creepy Real Estate Listing Really Talking Up Size Of Crawlspaces +Jim Caldwell Provides Lions Players With Printouts Of Inspiring Halftime Speech +Obama: Troops To Stay In Afghanistan Past 2016 +Lindsey Graham Asks Nearby Family To Take His Picture For Photo Op +First-Grader Given Sticker For Behavior During Lockdown Drill +Report: Nation Spends $50 Billion Annually To Get Kids Excited About Things +Man With No Real-Life Career Goals Knows Exact Job He’d Want In Harry Potter Universe +FBI Investigators Struggling To Keep Track Of All The DraftKings Employees Nicknamed ‘D-Blaze’ While Sifting Through Emails +New Study Questions Health Risks Of Prolonged Sitting +Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley +43 Shootings Committed By U.S. Toddlers This Year +Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain +Taliban Leaders Already Know Which Westernized Schools The First To Go As Soon As U.S. Troops Leave Afghanistan +Bobby Jindal Lies To Parents About Winning GOP Nomination +Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden +Study Finds Carving Names Into Public Property Prolongs Relationship By 30 Or More Years +Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good +Surgical Gloves, Gowns Pose Risk To Medical Workers +Sauce-Spatter Analysis Allows Investigators To Reconstruct Horrific, Grisly Consumption Of Meatball Sub +NBA Cares Program Sends Chicago Bulls Players To Spend Time At Hospital Visiting Derrick Rose +Jennifer Lawrence Decries Hollywood Wage Gap +David Koch Delivers Suit With Note Reading ‘Wear This Tonight’ To Marco Rubio’s Hotel Room +SAT Prep Tips +Blood-Drenched Sarah Koenig Announces Topic For Upcoming Season Of ‘Serial’ +There’s No Greater Bond Than The One Between A Mother And Her Child’s Accomplishments +Gastric Bypass Patients At Higher Risk Of Self-Harm +Clinton Promises To Enact Agenda Whether Or Not She Elected +Bernie Sanders Repeatedly Scolded For Attempting To Unionize Debate Moderators +Teammates Unnerved By Kris Bryant’s Repeated Attempts To Break Cubs’ Curse With Slaughtered Goats +‘Playboy’ To Stop Printing Nude Photos +Clinton Campaign Asks CNN To Stock Dressing Room With 4 Pounds Of Flavorless Protein Paste +Aging Mother Knows Any Wrong Move Could Be Taken For Telltale Sign Of Dementia +Aides Gently Remind Hillary Clinton Not To Refer To Opponents As ‘Obstacles To Greatness’ +City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs +Apple Blocks News App In China +Blood Runs Down House Of Representatives Walls As Chamber Itself Selects New Speaker +Eli Manning Drops Off Dirty Game-Day Uniforms At Parents’ House +How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate +California Bans ‘Redskins’ But Keeps Confederate Names +NFL Week Five Winners And Losers +College Administrators Hold Candlelight Vigil To Honor Donor Lost In Mishandled Rape Case +Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement +Harry Potter Fans Advised To Stay Off Railroad Tracks +Nobel Peace Prize Awarded To Tunisian Group +Biden Huddling With Closest Advisers On Whether To Spend 200 Bucks On Scorpions Tickets +Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr. +Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest +How To Talk To Your Child About Sex +Report: 15,000 People Vanish From ‘Fall Fest’ Hayride Wagons Each Year +NYT Aims To Double Revenue By 2020 +Mark McGwire Confident He Could Still Disgrace Game At High Level Today +22-Year-Old Broke, Homeless 10 Days After Taking Control Of Own Finances +NASA To Award Best Uses Of Martian Rock +How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System +Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State +NASA Hoping To Get In On Some Defense Funding With Plan For Torpedo-Equipped Orbital Telescope +WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning +Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day +Nation’s Financial Advisors Recommend Capturing Magical Creature That Grants Wishes +6,000 Inmates Granted Early Release +New Dietary Guidelines Met With Contention +Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant +Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex +Furious Rick Pitino Adamant Media Trying To Tarnish Name Of Great Escort Service +Chernobyl Site Now Safe Haven For Wildlife +Report: 55% Of Nation’s Granite Now Engraved With Names Of Victims +Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason +Nobel Peace Prize Candidates +Woman Always Thought She Would Have More Impressive Showerhead By This Age +Man Overjoyed He No Longer Has To Purchase Entire Day’s Worth Of Egg McMuffins In Morning +American Apparel Files For Bankruptcy +You Take Away Guns, And Someone’s Just Gonna Invent, Manufacture, And Use A High-Powered Knife Launcher +What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body +Ride Tha Love Train +Top FIFA Sponsors Call For Blatter Resignation +Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father +New Anti-Drug Program Teaches Teens To Resist Psychiatrist’s Constant Pressure To Use Drugs +Pope Francis Clarifies That God Just One Of Many Immortal Beings Who Speak To Him Every Day +Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo +Scientists Engineer $1,600 Designer ‘Micropigs’ +NFL Week Four Winners & Losers +Girl Finally Speaking Up Enough For People To Critique Her Speaking Voice +‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails +Jerry West Reveals He Is Also Inspiration For MLB Logo +Kerry Downs Another Vodka Shot As The Last Of Putin’s Security Detail Passes Out +Mealworms Can Break Down Styrofoam Waste +Quarterback Better Snap The Ball, Reports Man Nervously Eyeing Play Clock +World Could Face 2016 Coffee Shortage +Report: Increase In Gun Sales To Be Most Concrete Result Of Obama’s Pro-Gun-Control Speech +Man Can’t Believe Obama Would Use Tragedy To Push Anti-Tragedy Agenda +Baltimore Preparing For Hurricane Joaquin By Adding Second Layer Of Plywood To Shuttered Small Businesses +National Weather Service: ‘Don’t Go Surfing Unless You Can Really Shred That Shit’ +Roger Goodell Unveils Plans For NFL Game In Earth’s Core +Bernie Sanders Fundraising On Pace With Clinton’s +Federal Government Adds 600,000 Acres To National Forbidden Zone +New App Aims To Be The ‘Yelp Of People’ +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Report: Peyton Manning Lacks Strength To Complete Longer Commercial Takes +Archaeologists Reconstruct Snyder’s Of Hanover Pretzel From Pieces Discovered In Des Moines–Area Stop ’N Go +Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence +Whole Foods Lays Off 1,500 Employees +Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’ +NRA Visits Colorado Police Evidence Room To Check Up On Rifle Used In Planned Parenthood Shooting +Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic +Sugar-Free Drinks Might Cause Dental Issues +Sweating, Trembling Mom Still Coming Down From High Of Having Kids Under One Roof +Middle-Aged Woman So Tired Of Going Back And Forth Between Divorced Parents’ Nursing Homes +What To Do With Your Old Computer +Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football +America Celebrates Thanksgiving +Police Took More From Citizens Than Burglars In 2014 +Parents Officially Designate Upstairs Television For Anyone Who Doesn’t Want To Watch Thanksgiving Football +Tips For Buying A New Computer +Report: Majority Of Nation’s Civic Engagement Centered Around Oppressing Other People +New York Launches Terrorism Prevention App +Bigot Annoyed Local Mosque Already Vandalized Before He Got There +Ashamed Sports Journalists Admit They’ve Learned Nothing From Week 11 Of NFL Season +NIH Retiring All Research Chimps +Family Worried Where Grandma Going With Conversation On Low-Income Housing +Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients +How To Avoid Distraction While Working Online +WHO Criticized For Slow Response To Ebola Outbreak +How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S. +Texas Votes Against Experts Fact-Checking Textbooks +Nation Demands More Movies Where Guy Reveals He Was Wearing Bulletproof Vest +Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline +Bartender Going To Pretend That Last Drink Was Supposed To Be Served On Fire +Adele Blocks New Album From Streaming +Poll Finds 23% Of Americans Would Vote For Jeb Bush If Candidate Standing Right Next To Them In Voting Booth +Retailers Recycling Black Friday Deals +Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash +Brad Pitt Scampers Away From Script After Detecting Musk Of Chris Pine On Pages +Strategies To Defeat ISIS +Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him +STDs On The Rise Nationwide +Astronomers Discover Previously Unknown Cluster Of Nothingness In Deep Space +Nation Satisfied As Selena Gomez Completes Transition Into Sexualized Plaything +Barbie Ad Features Boy For First Time +Convention-Goer Removes Name Tag, Vanishes Back Into World Of Anonymous Hilton Orlando Guests +The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping +NASA Gives Robots To Universities To Aid Mars Mission +Tips For Jury Duty +Experts Warn Number Of Retirees Will Completely Overwhelm Scenic Railway Industry By 2030 +Economists Recommend Setting Aside Part Of Every Paycheck In Case Of Dire Straits Reunion Tour +Urban Outfitters Buys Italian Restaurant Group +Employee Returns From Vacation Refreshed, Ready To Waste Time +Rubio Campaign Deploys 6,000 Ground Troops To Combat ISIS +GOP Warns Refugees Likely To Be Driven To Terrorism By Way America Would Treat Them +Oxford Selects An Emoji As Word Of The Year +Aging Peyton Manning Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog +Former Parishioners Protest Mormon LGBT Policy +Corporation Proud Of Origins As Small Business That Would Never Survive In Modern Economy +Bar Has Loud, Overcrowded Section Upstairs Too +Elderly Woman Relieved To Know She’s Tackled Last Technological Advancement Of Lifetime +Desperate Obama Just Wants To Know Who To Give Weapons To In Order To Stop ISIS +FDA Seeks Public Opinion On ‘Natural’ Foods +NFL Offers Summer League For Suspended Players To Make Up Games +Congress Members Spend Afternoon Drawing Pictures Of Their Dream Capitols +Joe’s Crab Shack Eliminates Tipping +Realtor Was Not Expecting Such Hard-Hitting Questions About Water Pressure +Report: 1 in 5 NYC Adults Suffers Mental Health Issues +Man Searching For Part Of Chicken Tender Thin Enough To Fit Into Plastic Dipping Sauce Cup +Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass +Darker Sense Of Humor Could Be Early Sign Of Dementia +Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees +‘Seek Funding’ Step Added To Scientific Method +Mascot Hijinks Cost University $123,000 +Report: Retailers Pull In $5 Billion Annually From Women Coming Off Street To Avoid Harassment +Nation Figured Everything Would Run On Some Kind Of Cubes Of Blue Energy By Now +The Hardest Part Of Being A Parent Is Telling Your Son You Can’t Promote Him From VP For A Few Years +Fraternity Sues ‘Rolling Stone’ For $25 Million +Roger Goodell Quietly Says Goodnight To Hallway Of NFL Greats’ Chemically Preserved Bodies +Bulls Players Annoyed By Derrick Rose Always Leaving Torn Ligaments All Over Locker Room +Organ Transplants Might Favor Wealthier Patients +Man Arriving Late Forced To Use Excuse He Was Saving For Leaving Early +Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’ +Report: Russian Athletes Used PEDs For Years +Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate +Carly Fiorina Shares Heartbreaking Story About Father Of 3 Who Couldn’t Meet Sales Goals +SeaWorld To End Orca Shows In San Diego +Grandmother Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In Den +Tips For Conquering Phobias +Housing Prices Spike As Tech Employee Takes Stroll Through Neighborhood +Baby Cured Of Leukemia By ‘Designer’ Cells +Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims +Starbucks Holiday Cups Angering Christians +Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview +New Study Finds Box Still World’s Most Popular Container +Record Number Of Women Now NYC Firefighters +Biologists Announce They’re All Done With Rodents +Adidas To Help Change Native American Mascots +Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window +Scientists Confirm Anti-Vaccine Sites Contain No Facts +Timeline Of The James Bond Series +Longtime Residents Worry Roommate With Well-Paid Job Slowly Gentrifying Apartment +Houston Votes Against Antidiscrimination Ordinance +CVS Cashier Can’t Wait To Accept $20 Bill From Customer Purchasing 3 Different Cough Medications +Wealthiest Americans Ominously Remind Nation They Could Easily Drop Another $10 Billion On Election +Majority Whip Displays Impaled Senator Outside Capitol Building As Warning To All Who Cross Party Lines +Vatican Scandals Detailed In Tell-All Books +Economists Estimate Human Civilization Still Years Away From Turning Profit +Inaccuracy Of Every Single Detail Forces Student Paper To Pull Story At Last Minute +Two-Month Freelance Gig Posted In ‘Careers’ Section Of Company’s Website +Diamonds Might Not Be As Rare As Once Thought +Paul Ryan Discovers Half-Finished Escape Tunnel Leading Out Of Speaker’s Office +Cinemas Ban Masks, Prop Weapons At ‘Star Wars’ Release +Archaeologists Discover Ancient Femur That Could Make Mouthwatering Broth +ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space +Victoria’s Secret Introduces 3-Inch Patch Of Satin To Place Anywhere On Body +Executive Recalls Booming Private Prison Corporation’s Humble Beginnings As Modest 6-Cell Facility +Study Finds Controlled Washington, D.C. Wildfires Crucial For Restoring Healthy Political Environment +Divorced Man Sadly Removes Ex-Wife’s Admin Privileges From Home Security System +Shit, I Was Supposed To Have Learned Something From Having Cancer, Wasn’t I? +Tennessee Opens Animal Abuser Registry +Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates +NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers +Chipotle Closes 43 Locations After E. Coli Outbreak +Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election +Customer Who Declined Initial Offer Of Assistance From Floor Salesman Comes Crawling Back +Groundbreaking Study Finds Gratification Can Be Deliberately Postponed +Study: Married People Heal Better After Heart Surgery +Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong +Novelty Welcome Mat Lets Party Guests Know They’re In For Some Fun +Out-Of-Control Hand Gesture Sends Bernie Sanders Tumbling Off Stage +Bernie Sanders Refuses Flashy ABC Podium In Favor Of Own Humble, Homemade Lectern +Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice +Top-Selling Christmas Gifts Of 2015 +‘Ghostbusters,’ ‘Top Gun’ Added To National Film Registry +U.S. Executions At Lowest Level Since 1991 +Guy Wearing Chewbacca Costume Torn Between Seeing ‘Star Wars’ And ‘The Big Short’ +New Law Could Ban European Teens From Social Media +Fan Just Going To Keep Open Mind About Whether New ‘Star Wars’ Best Or Worst Movie Ever +Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum +Japanese Women Sue For Right To Keep Surname +Snack Scientists Develop Previously Unthinkable Capacity To Stuff Cheese Inside Itself +Hoverboards Facing Increased Restrictions +Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie +Tips For Presenting Your Best Self In Court +Bell Tolling Through PA System Portends Doom For Away Team Facing Third Down +Breakup Coordinator Helps People Get Over Exes +Dementia Patient’s Family Keeps Ripping Her Away From Idyllic World Of 1950s +NYC Getting ‘High-Heel-Friendly’ Subway Grates +Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum +Nation’s Oppressed Christians Huddle Underground To Light Single Shriveled Christmas Shrub +Broncos Quietly Bury Peyton Manning In Unmarked Grave Next To Stadium +Company To Turn Picasso School Into Woody Allen Museum +Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower +Family With 2-Hour Layover Sets Up Rough Shantytown At Airport Gate +Mike Pettine Worried Bengals Gave Rest Of League Blueprint To Beat Browns +Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas +Veterans To Receive First Penis Transplants In U.S. +Report Finds Populace Has Collective Goodwill To Come Together For Only 5 More National Tragedies +Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship +Beijing Issues First Red Alert For Smog +Study: Many People Moved By Falsely Profound Statements +John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice +The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness +‘This Will Be The End Of Trump’s Campaign,’ Says Increasingly Nervous Man For Seventh Time This Year +Astronaut To Run Marathon From Space +Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College +So Help Me God, I’m Going To Eat One Of Those Multicolored Detergent Pods +New Dating Site Caters To Disney Fans +Al-Qaeda Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Radicalization Done Face-To-Face Rather Than Online +Study Finds Majority Of Accidental Heroin Overdoses Could Be Prevented With Less Heroin +Halloween Decorations Blending In Nicely With Christmas Lights +University Quickly Slaps Together Rinky-Dink Ceremony For Anyone Graduating In December +God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles +Men More Likely To Take Paternity Leave If Child Is Male +Kobe Bryant Tears Up While Reflecting On All The Mistakes Teammates Made During His Career +Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs +Hackers Access Children’s Names, Photos In VTech Breach +Black Friday Sees Record Gun Sales +Nick Saban Announces Plans To Wear Polo Shirt With Alabama Logo During Upcoming Game +Crowds Of Stock Traders Gather At Weeping Statue Of Wall Street Bull +Shamefaced Man Stands Stock-Still As Acquaintance Zips Up Backpack For Him +Japan Intends To Kill Whales Despite Global Outcry +Second Amendment A Little Creeped Out By How Obsessed Americans Are With It +Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation +Holiday Lights Could Disrupt Wi-Fi Connection +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +Greg Hardy Assures Tony Romo He’s Seen Ex-Girlfriends Come Back From Far Worse Injuries +Iowa Residents Mystified After Strange Sign Bearing Word ‘Kasich’ Appears On Roadside Overnight +Adjunct Professor Hoping Some Student Leaves Behind Warm Pair Of Gloves Today +IKEA Designs Refugee Shelters +Police Ask NFL To Allow Armed Off-Duty Cops Into Games +Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks +How To File A Patent +$5 Computer Sells Out In One Day +EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source +I Always Thought Losing Your Sunglasses Was Something That Happened To Other People +How To Prevent Procrastination On Your Laptop +Rutgers University Offers Course On Beyoncé +Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night +Report: Today The Day They Find Out You’re A Fraud +Study Finds 60% Of Parents Too Busy With Divorce To Worry About Football Safety +Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII +Earl Thomas +Richard Sherman +Marshawn Lynch +Russell Wilson +Pete Carroll +Terrance Knighton +Champ Bailey +Wes Welker +Peyton Manning +John Fox +Teacher Surprised The 2 Weird Kids Haven’t Hit It Off Yet +Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl +Study: Liberals Drink More Than Conservatives +Government To Pay You $3,000 To Get Flu +Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages +Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall +Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday +Gay Couple Weirded Out By Pope Francis Standing In Back Of Wedding Ceremony +Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are +Providence, RI Named Most Godless City In U.S. +Obama Vows To Raise Minimum Wage +Horrified Man Suddenly Realizes He’s Putting Down Roots In Charlotte +Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address +Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito +Area Grandma Enjoys Flourishing Correspondence With Mailer-Daemon +How Russia Is Preparing For The Winter Olympics +Man Getting Screwed By Company’s $180,000 Health Deductible +Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year +Dad Delivers State Of The Union Rebuttal Directly Into Television Screen +Obama Admits U.S. Hasn’t Been The Same Since Buddy Holly Died +Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut +Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church +‘Lean In’ To Be Made Into Movie +Aides Advise Obama To Avoid Any Mention Of America During State Of The Union Speech +6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture +Doctor Quickly Scribbles Prescription That Will Lead To 30-Year Battle With Painkiller Addiction +Kid Figures He’ll Go Down Slide 35 More Times Then Call It A Day +Report: Everyone You’ve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And They’re Waiting For You +Surgeon General Advises Being 19 Years Old With 100 Bucks In Your Pocket And Your Whole Life In Front Of You +Cold Temperatures Help With Weight Loss +Highlights From Last Night’s Grammys +Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys +Aaron Eckhart Likes To Make One Frankenstein Movie For Them, One Frankenstein Movie For Himself +New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love +Area Child Disappointed To Learn Parents’ Love Unconditional +Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity +Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco +Album That Has Nothing On Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ Wins Grammy Award +Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z +Macklemore Reminds Grammys Audience About CDs Available For Sale In Lobby +Giddy Thom Yorke Goes To Bed Early To Make Grammy Day Get Here Sooner +Pope Calls Internet ‘Gift From God’ +Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys +Mascot Absolutely Reeks +Before-And-After Airbrushing Image Alerts Fashion Industry To Evil Of Its Ways +23% Of Americans Didn’t Read Book Last Year +Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans +Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI, Drag Racing +Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat +Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall +High School Quarterback Starting To Suspect Friendship With Nick Saban Founded On Ulterior Motives +More Hollywood Celebrities Reproducing By Asexual Budding +Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports +Report: Most Americans Can’t Even Name Their State’s Shadow Lord +Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure +How To Protect Your Personal Information Online +World’s 85 Richest As Wealthy As Half Global Population +Warren Buffett Offering $1 Billion For Perfect NCAA Bracket +Interns Treated To Informative 30-Minute Q&A Session With Totally Miserable Employees +Inclement Weather Prevents Liar From Getting To Work +Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance +Nation Back On Board With SeaWorld Following Awesome Orca Trick +Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show +Best, Most Original Idea Man’s Ever Had Returns 114,000 Google Search Results +Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad +Amazon Plans To Ship Items Before You Buy Them +New Leather-Bound Notebook To Really Unleash Area Woman's Creativity +Kids Snorting Smarties Candies In Nationwide Trend +All-Knowing Invisible Hand Of Free Market Once Again Guides Millions In Profits To Nation’s Bead Stores +Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics +‘12 Years A Slave,’ ‘Captain Phillips,’ ‘American Hustle,’ ‘Wolf Of Wall Street,’ ‘Blue Jasmine,’ ‘Dallas Buyers Club,’ ‘Her,’ ‘Nebraska,’ ‘Before Midnight,’ And ‘Philomena’ All Written During Same Continuing Education Screenwriting Class +Report: Imagine How Good It Would Feel To Just Crawl Back Into Bed Right Now +Sports Media Not Sure How It Going To Fit Super Bowl Coverage Into Just 2 Short Weeks +Ask Cover Letters For An Entry-Level Social Media Position At ‘Field & Stream’ Magazine +Fussy Eater 38 +Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More +Beauty Industry Announces Massive New Initiative To Make Women Self-Conscious About Their Palms +How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal +Genius Magazine Editor Does It Again With Marilyn Monroe–Inspired Photoshoot +Obama: Pot No More Harmful Than Alcohol +Report: Lake Ice Grows Safer To Venture Out On With Each Beer Consumed +Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages +‘At Least We’ll Get A Better Draft Pick,’ Reports Patriots Fan Rationalizing Deep, Pervasive Sadness +Broncos vs. Patriots +49ers vs. Seahawks +President Curbing NSA Spying +Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him +Japan Grants Suffrage To Female Robots +Report: ‘Swamp Thing’ And ‘The Return Of Swamp Thing’ Just 2 Of Literally Thousands Of Movies +Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions +Michelle Obama Turns 50 +Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats +The Onion’s Oscar Picks +Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson +‘And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself An Expression Of Wanton Lust?’ Bizarre New McDonald’s Ad Asks +Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement +God Admits He Rarely Forgives +Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’ +Royals Courting Masahiro Tanaka By Highlighting Kansas City’s Rich Japanese History +Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr To Perform At Grammys +Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home +Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave +Tips For Getting Pregnant +Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie +Nation Recalls Simpler Time When Health Care System Was Broken Beyond Repair +Unemployed, Miserable Man Still Remembers Teacher Who First Made Him Fall In Love With Writing +Parents Of Adorable Baby On TV Show Most Likely Insane +9% Of Dog, Cat Owners Write Pets Into Their Wills +Boy, I’ve Really Put You In A Tough Spot, Haven’t I? +Pope Francis Encourages Women To Breastfeed +Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book +Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress +As Your Friend, I Promise You Can Tell Me Anything That Makes Me Feel Superior To You +Coffee May Improve Memory +Mandatory Unisex Golden Globes Uniforms Keep Focus On Stars’ Work +Flu Hitting Obese People Harder +Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something +‘Nice To Meet You,’ Coworkers Tell New Employee They’ve Studied Online For Hours +New Study Reveals Nothing Pfizer’s Lawyers Can’t Take Care Of +OfficeMax Employee Was Here When Gel Pens Were Big +Wait, What If We Try Giving People Home Loans They Can’t Actually Afford To Pay Off? +Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair +Half Of Congress Reps Are Millionaires +BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now +Defense Needs To Be More Physical, Reports Man Slumped On Couch For Past 5 Hours +Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products +Son, You’ll Thank Me For Pushing You This Hard When You’re 37 And Miserable +‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks +Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta +Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown +Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games +Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don't Boost Sales +English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says +Obama Funds International Space Station Through 2024 +Voters Shocked Christie Botched Such An Easy Political Cover-Up +My Fellow Americans, Look At Me: Do I Look Like A Corrupt, Vengeful Bully? +Adopted Child Sick Of Gay Parents Forcing Him To Watch Them Have Sex +Worst Sports Teams +Tips For Getting Over The Flu +Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter +Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit +Hampton Inn Concierge Has Long Working Relationship With Chili’s Hostess +‘It’s Not Too Late To Reverse The Alarming Trend Of Climate Change,’ Scientists Who Know It’s Too Late Announce +Classmates Admit School Shooter Showed Them, Showed Them All +Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample +Grantland Game Recap Completely Omits Influence Of ‘NYPD Blue’ On Modern Ensemble Dramas +High Praise Makes Kids With Low Self-Esteem Feel Worse +Ultra-HD "4K" Televisions Replacing 3D TVs In Stores +Media Company Looking For Ways To Get Rid Of Veteran 24-Year-Old Employee +Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again +Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He’s Going To Get Oscar Nomination +Taxpayer Outraged +Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion +NFL Scouts Impressed By College Quarterback’s Ability To Elude Criminal Justice System +Offensive Lineman Opens Up Massive Hole In His Frontal Cortex +Colorado Sees Boom In “Pot Tourism” After Legalization +Congress’ Agenda For 2014 +‘Polar Vortex’ Hits Nation With Record-Low Temperatures +Big, Sloppy Chicken Parm Hovers Alluringly Above Nation +Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children’s Biological Parents Own Mansions +Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers +Any Of You Cocksuckers Feel Like A New Fucking Neil Simon Play? +Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter +Chinese Air Pollution Visible From Space +Home Crowd Disagrees With Ref’s Call But Respects His Decision +New Forced-Retirement Community Opens For Local 60-Year-Olds +Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season +Local Church Full Of Brainwashed Idiots Feeds Town’s Poor Every Week +Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center +New Report Confirms You Are Most Interesting, Most Important Individual On Earth +Study: Majority Of Web Traffic Not Human +Adults More Likely Than Teens To Use Phone While Driving +NFL Referee Can’t Believe How Old He Looks In Video Replay +Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House +Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business +New Antidepressant Makes Friends’ Problems Seem Worse +Taking Pictures Harms Memory +Attractive Students Given Higher Grades +Study: U.S. Anti-Smoking Efforts Have Saved 8 Million Lives +National Milk Industry Drops "Got Milk" +Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam +Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today +How Oscar Winners Are Selected +Study: ‘Tetris’ Can Help Curb Food, Cigarette Cravings +FDA Proposes Altering Nutrition Labels +Modern Science Still Only Able To Predict One Upcoming Tetris Block +Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer +Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob +Coach Pretty Sure Heated Locker Room Dispute Over Unpaid Gambling Debts Will Work Itself Out +Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3 +‘People’ To Stop Publishing Photos Of Celeb Kids +CDC: Obesity Down 43% Among Babies +Dick Vitale Undergoes Annual Bracketological Examination +Study: Online Content Creators Outnumber Consumers 2,000 To 1 +Close-Minded Man Not Even Willing To Hear Out Argument On Why Homosexuality An Abomination +Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About +Monsanto Develops Hardier Strain Of Corn That Yields 4 Times Normal Litigation +Why Has This Winter Been So Harsh? +Famous Locker Room Speeches +Pentagon Proposes Scaling Back Army To Pre-WWII Levels +Taco Bell Introduces Breakfast Menu +Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning +Fourth-Grader Named Jackson To Someday Fire You +Provisions Of Arizona’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law +Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless +American Airlines To Phase Out Complimentary Cabin Pressurization +Reverend Al Sharpton Takes Time Off From Holy Duties To Make TV Appearance +New ‘Doctors Without Licenses’ Program Provides Incompetent Medical Care To Refugees +Amtrak Experimenting With Writers Residencies +World’s Most Wanted Drug Kingpin Captured +Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball +Billions Of Electric Signals Between Neurons Allow Brain To Imagine What Michael Imperioli Looks Like +Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As ‘Gaffe’ +Area Man Coasting By On Good Looks, Work Ethic, In-Depth Knowledge Of Virginia Real Estate Law +Cats, Dogs May See Things Invisible To Human Eye +Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25 +German Leaders Quietly Confident They Could Pull Off Another Holocaust If They Ever Really Wanted +Pitchers, Catchers Report To Spring Training Bars +So-Called Christian Has Erection +Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride +Loneliness Raises Risk Of Early Death +Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets +Revelations From The Wells Report +Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time +Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday +Winter Olympics Inspire Nation’s Youth To Try Sports Their Parents Can’t Afford +Child Protective Services Hopes Caseworker Ready For A Doozy +New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education +Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover +Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter +Poll: 86% Of NFL Players Okay With Gay Teammate +Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance +Barbie Appears On Cover Of ‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue +G.I. Joe Turns 50 +Supposed Adult Pays Man To Sit In Room And Listen To Him Talk About His Feelings +9/11 Truther Vows Not To Rest Until Everyone Knows He An Asshole +Richie Incognito Disappointed Wells Report Left Out Best Stuff He Did To Jonathan Martin +Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice +Anderson Cooper Decides To Keep Recent Gay Conversion Therapy Private +Taco Bell To Begin Taking Smartphone Orders +U.S. Wins Its First Olympic Gold Medal In Ice Dancing +U.S. Advances To Women’s Hockey, Hey, Get The Fuck Back Here +Honestly, I Always Saw Edward Scissorhands As The Villain +Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor +‘God Fucking Dammit, You’re A Stupid Fucking Moron,’ Whispers Woman Who Realizes She Missed Ice Dancing +High School Principal Can Already Tell Students Are Going To Eat This One Alive +Study: More Children Growing Up In Single-Parrot Households +Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV +Study: Wives More Educated Than Husbands In U.S. +Nation’s Shark Experts: ‘You Could’ve Had This Job’ +Fourth-Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred +Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer +Report: Stating Current Year Still Leading Argument For Social Reform +Study: Double Dating Ignites Passion In Relationships +Study: Half Of U.S. Adults Use Phones For Sexting +Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend’s Office To Deliver Surprise Threat +Facebook Adds More Than 50 New Gender Options +Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor +Greatest Barrier Breakers In Sports +Manic Researchers Announce They Are Hours Away From Cure For Depression +NFL Camera Operators Prepare For Challenging Year Of Avoiding Offensive Michael Sam Signs +Study: Crocodiles Can Climb Trees +Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day +Comcast To Acquire Time Warner Cable For $45 Billion +Coworkers Currently Gchatting About You +New Poll Finds Most NFL Players Still Not Ready To Date Gay Teammate +Subway Employee Still Unnerved By High-Pitched Screech Sandwiches Make When Cut In Half +Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ? +Father Marvels At How Quickly Kids Growing Distant +Teens More Stressed Than Adults +FBI Offering $10,000 For Help In Curbing Laser Strikes +Biggest Upsets Of The Sochi Olympics +Parking Lot Attendant Seemingly Unaware New Day A Gift From God +Nation Admits It Would’ve Been Fun To Watch Marcus Smart Beat Absolute Shit Out Of Fan +Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet +Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey +Lean In, Getty Images Alter Portrayal Of Women In Stock Photos +Inspired Man Bolts Out Of Bed At 3 A.M. To Jot Down Great New Worry +Compromising Company’s Values For Advertising Revenue Referred To As ‘Partnering’ +Tips For Disciplining Your Kids +Shirley Temple Dies At 85 +College Graduate First Person In Family To Waste $160,000 +Nitro Expected To Win Westminster Dog Fight +NASCAR Fans Realize Richard Petty May Not Be As Open-Minded As He Looks +Report: Seasonal Depression Still Better Than Purchasing Tiny Sunshine Lamp +Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist +Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends +Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God +'Dumb Starbucks’ Opens In Downtown L.A. +Endangered Rhino Just Wishes His Horn Didn’t Make People Immortal +New Study Finds Only 88% Of Guitar Center Customers Become Famous Musicians +Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk +Michael Sam Hoping Sexuality Won’t Be Issue In Locker Room Full Of Testosterone-Fueled Former High School Bullies +Winter Olympics Schedule +Live Cow Lowered Onto Floor Of U.S. House Of Representatives +Celebrating The 50th Anniversary Of The Beatles On Ed Sullivan +Lolo Jones Becomes First American To Be Objectified In Both Winter And Summer Events +100,000 Condoms Distributed To Olympic Athletes +Subway Removing Shoe Rubber Chemical From Sandwich Bread +Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays +Renovations Force Yosemite National Park To Temporarily Relocate To Sacramento Office Space +Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person +It’s Tough Sometimes Being Considered The Most Important Songwriter Of The 20th Century +International Olympians To Watch +American Olympians To Watch +Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics +‘American Idol’ Star Clay Aiken Running For Congress +Man Swells With Shame After Entering Zip Code Into Girl Scout Cookie Locator +Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext +New Blog Piece On Woody Allen To Settle Everything +DMX To Fight George Zimmerman In Boxing Match +Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads +What, No Coat? +Couple Never Dreamed They Would Be Able To Talk So Openly, Honestly About Cabinets +Kevin Durant Has Off Night With Quiet 94-For-128, 210-Point Performance +Study Finds There Are Only 4 Human Emotions +Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll +CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco +Athletes Arrive In Sochi For 2-Week Living Nightmare +Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan +Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings +Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything +Distant Planet Terrified It Might Be Able To Someday Support Human Life +Congress Is Playing Professional Tournament-Level Ping-Pong With This Nation’s Future +Local Company Introduces New Take Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day +Sochi The Most Expensive Winter Olympics Ever +Microsoft Employees Fondly Remember Days When CEOs Were So Big They Took Up Entire Rooms +New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart +Castaway Ate Turtles, Birds While Stranded 13 Months At Sea +Newly Tenured Professor Now Inspired To Work Harder Than Ever +Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Have Never Met Willem Dafoe +10 Years Of Facebook +Northeast Sees Rise Of Mutant ‘Zombie’ Bees +Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train +Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike +57 Women Stoned To Death During Annual Riyadh Fashion Week +Multilingual Coca-Cola Ad Spurs Backlash +Majority Of Office’s Supplies Used To Apply For Different Job +Content Could Be Hotter, More Social +Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial +Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies +Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode +Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl +Seahawks vs. Broncos +Troy Aikman Fruitlessly Attempts To Conjure Super Bowl Memory For On-Air Anecdote +Twitter Replaces ‘Retweet’ With ‘Share’ +Local Father Briefs Family On Which Basketball Players Now Household Names +Recovering Alcoholic Doesn’t Need Friends To Have A Good Time +Family Wealthy Enough To Have The Kind Of Refrigerator Doors That Blend Into Cabinets +Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are +Tips For Improving Memory +Eating Small Meals Throughout Day Doesn’t Help Weight Loss +Social Media Startup Looking For Smug Little Fuck To Take Leadership Role +Batman Turns 75 +Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR +Apple To Diversify Emojis +Mark From Sales Currently Leading Bracket Pool +4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show +Study: Women Fake Orgasms To Increase Sexual Arousal +Of Course Busy Bartender Doesn’t Mind Taking Picture Of You And Your Friends +Charles Barkley Openly Gambling On College Games During CBS Halftime Report +‘Gone With The Wind’ Prequel In The Works +Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes +American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger +Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room +Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks +These Are The Honda Days That Were Foretold In The Prophecy +Levi’s Factory Implicated In Cruel Treatment Of Denim Cows +Unclear If Grandma Just Friends With 81-Year-Old Widowed Man +New ‘Star Trek’ Beer Released +Advertising Manager Working Hard To Teach Son Value Of An Impression +Mark Cuban Warns NFL’s Popularity May Begin To Wane In Next Millennium +Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company +Notable Celebrity Breakups +G7 Unable To Get Deposit Back On Shipment Of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts +NHL Players Admit They Have No Idea How Line Changes Work +All Of Man’s Time-Wasting Websites Exhausted Before Lunch +How The College Admissions Process Works +White House Sends Obama To 3-Day Management Seminar At Washington Marriott +Study: Video Games Make Kids More Aggressive +Girl Sells Record 18,000 Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies +Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking +Tips For Using Online Dating Sites +Nation Rallies Behind Embattled Celebrity Gown +Mom Keeps Sending Newspaper Clippings About Former Classmates Who Have Been Murdered +College Senior Already Has Grueling 14-Month Employment Search Lined Up After Graduation +New Technology Creates Mug Shots From DNA +Middle-Aged Cat Can’t Begin To Compete With Adorable Kittens On Internet +City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again +Hawaii Police Defend Prostitution Loophole +87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based +College Admissions Office Finds Ideal Applicant Capable Of Subsidizing Tuition Of 3 Low-Income Students +Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs +Study: Humans Display Highest Cognitive Abilities When Trying To Retrieve Object Dropped Between Car Seats +Browns Eyeing 6 Quarterbacks To Rifle Through In 2014 +Report: Attempting To Prove Masculinity Results In Over 8 Million Pulled Muscles Per Year +Male Babysitters Earn More Than Female Babysitters +Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand +Bank Of America Introduces New Existential Rewards Credit Card Program +Surge Answered With Rally +GChat Status Disastrously Left On Visible During Peak Andrea Hours +What The Internet Will Look Like In 25 Years +Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage +Half Of Americans Believe In Medical Conspiracy Theories +Thanks For Being So Cool About Everything +Fred Phelps, Man Who Forever Stopped March Of Gay Rights, Dead At 84 +Mischievous Koch Brothers Trick Beautiful Woman Into Thinking There’s Only One Of Them +Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event +Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses +Networking Tips +Facebook Unveils Facial Recognition Technology +New ‘Star Wars’ Film Set 30 Years After ‘Return Of The Jedi’ +Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer +Families Of Missing Flight Passengers Just Hoping Media Gets Closure It Needs +Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out +Parents Reminisce To Children About Dating Algorithm That Brought Them Together +Tips For Filling Out Your Bracket +Intrepid Middle-Class Parents Embark On Daring Search For Mythical Perfect School District +Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up +Chinese Factory Workers Fear They May Never Be Replaced With Machines +NFL Announces Jacksonville Jaguars To Play 16 Games In London Next Season +NASA: Industrial Societies Headed For Collapse +Anti-Vaccine Movement Leads To Rise In Measles, Whooping Cough +Study: Slapping Everyone In Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself In Produce Section Still Frowned Upon By Society +Area Man Having Difficulty Getting People To Sign Up For His NIT Bracket Pool +You Can Only Masturbate To Italian Chef Sculptures Outside Of Pizza Places For So Long Before Wanting The Real Thing +History Of The Westboro Baptist Church +Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything +Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys +Dignified Cat Dressed In Adorable, Painful Sweater +Guinness Pulls Sponsorship Of St. Patrick’s Day Parade +Crimean Voters Excited To Exercise Democracy For Last Time +Mom Leaves Sweet Little Note For Sixth-Grader In ADD Prescription Bottle +John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin +Nation Demands More Mind-Blowing Guitar Solos +Report: On Surface, Glenbrook, OH A Small Town Like Any Other +Americans Spent $55.7 Billion On Pets Last Year +Happy Birthday, Patrick Duffy +Nation Gears Up For Start Of College Basketball Season +Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit +Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying +Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn +Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family +Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side +Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High +Report: There Probably College Conference Named ‘Coastal 10’ +Manly Man Wastes Entire Year’s Worth Of Feelings On Single Movie Viewing +Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book +Malaysia Airlines Expands Investigation To Include General Scope Of Space, Time +Portion Of Finite Life Spent In Mock Fantasy Baseball Draft +Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year +Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative +Dad From 2150 Can’t Get Enough Iraq War Documentaries +Elephants Can Distinguish Human Voices By Age, Ethnicity +Inexperienced Streaker To Practice In Living Room A Few Times Before Doing It For Real +Deloitte Hires Accountant After Noticing Popular Tweets Of Audit Calculations +Nostalgic Man Can Still Remember Time When Billboard Advertised ‘Red 2’ +‘Access Hollywood’ Reporter Vows To Get To Very Surface Of Story +Study: Premarital Cohabitation Doesn’t Raise Risk Of Divorce +Highlights From SXSW Interactive +Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party +Obama Spends Afternoon In Garage Restoring Classic Drone +Several NFL Teams Express Interest In Your Sister +Colorado Earns $2 Million In Tax Revenue From Legal Pot +Edward Snowden Speaks At SXSW +Area Mother Doesn’t See Why Thai People Need To Make Food So Spicy +Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot +‘The Onion’ Offers Richie Incognito A 5-Year, $50 Million Contract +Report: No One Will Ever Stack Up To Your Eighth-Grade Boyfriend +It’s Sad Seeing How Much My Hometown Has Changed Since That Level 7 Nuclear Accident +McDonald’s Now Offering Bereavement Prices +Study: Smartphones Make Parents Ignore Kids +Microsoft Ending Support For Windows XP +BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee +Man Who Treats Women With Respect Asked What His Secret Is +The Onion’s Tips For Saving Money +Report: Ocean Levels Could Rise Foot Or More If Lots Of People Go Swimming +Company President Started Out As Fertilized Embryo +Expectant Parents Throw Some Values Together At Last Minute +It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk +Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking +Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack +Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry +Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery +‘True Detective’ Fan Develops Elaborate Theory He Will Be Let Down By Season Finale +Brooklyn Nets Insist They Only See Jason Collins As Terrible Player +College’s New CareerLink Program Connects Students With Thousands Of Annoyed Alums +National Endowment For The Arts Provides $80 Million To Discourage Talentless Hacks +Facebook Adds Restrictions To Curb Illegal Gun Sales +Changes To The SAT +NHL Outdoor Games Inspiring More Kids To Go Outside And Play Hockey At Local NFL Stadiums +Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him +New ‘Normal Barbie’ Doll Has Proportions Of Average Woman +Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day +BREAKING: Imperial Inspector To Arrive By Railcar This Very Afternoon +Desperate Catholic Church Now Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass +First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift +Report: Burying, Cremating Baby Boomers To Generate $200 Trillion In GDP +Microsoft Introducing Siri Competitor ‘Cortana’ +Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight +Study Links Meat, Cheese To Early Death +Study Links Meat, Sugar Consumption To Early Death Among Those Who Choose To Be Happy In Life +12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox +I’m A Man Who Knows What He Wants And Goes After Something More Realistic +Peyton Manning Cleared To Play Next Season After Passing Verbal Neck Exam +American Airlines Drops Bereavement Fares +Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Vatican Blessing +John Kerry Sits In Shadows Of Kiev Café Awaiting Woman Known Only As Dasha +Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine +15 Years In Environment Of Constant Fear Somehow Fails To Rehabilitate Prisoner +New Theme Park To Feature Model Of Noah’s Ark +Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines +Highlights Of Last Night’s Oscars +Military Recruiter Doesn’t Have To Dig Too Far Into Bag Of Tricks To Land This One +‘12 Years A Slave’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars +Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every ‘Godfather’ Film Took Place In Same Narrative World +Report: Good Thing World Has Unlimited Quantity Of Oil +Mother Encourages Andy Dalton To Keep Career Options Open +Obese Americans Get Less Than 4 Hours Of Exercise Per Year +Academy To Give Runners-Up Detailed Progress Reports Outlining Where Stars Can Improve +Oscars Attendees Cower In Awe As Disembodied, All-Knowing Voice Proclaims Information About Nominees +Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman +Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher Return For New ‘Star Wars’ Film +The Arguments For And Against Capital Punishment +Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A +Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie +Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System +New Census Report Reveals U.S. Has Over 316 Million Nobodies +Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo +Fox Announces ‘Grease’ Live TV Musical For 2015 +‘E.T.’ Video Game Cartridges Unearthed In New Mexico Landfill +Takeout Bag Feels Light +Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time +Cower, Puny Earthlings, For I Am Your New Project Leader +Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend +Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store +It’s Impossible To Say Whose Voice That Was, But He Made Some Compelling Points +Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation +What The Average Teen Spends On Prom +George Clooney Engaged +Gym Teacher Still Remembers Names Of Every Former Pantywaist +Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity +Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch +Florida School To Stop Giving Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests +The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control +Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover +Grown Man Refers To Map At Beginning Of Novel To Find Out Where Ruined Castle Of Arnoth Is Located +Top Theoretical Physicists, R&B Singers Meet To Debate Meaning Of Forever +Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave +Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day +Mattel Announces Barbie Movie +FDA Bans E-Cigarettes For Minors +World’s Luminaries Crowd Around ‘Time’ 100 List Posted On Editor’s Door +Disney CEO Figures They’ve Built Up Enough Goodwill To Do A Real Sexist One +Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants +Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain +Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse +Chris Paul Encourages Local Youths To Stay Out Of Foul Trouble +Robinson Cano Didn’t Realize Mariners Expected Him To Run Their Social Media Too +Marc Summers Realizes Police Will Immediately Look For Body In Giant Pile Of Mashed Potatoes +U.S. Middle Class No Longer Richest In World +‘Goonies’ Sequel In The Works +Neighborhood Kids Grant Landmark Status To House Where Guy Killed Himself +Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten +Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents +NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects +How To Live Gluten-Free +Report: U.S. Still Leads World With Highest Density Of Kevins +Nintendo Game Boy Turns 25 +NASA Asks For Selfies To Celebrate Earth Day +Like It Or Not, We All Die, Then Get Dug Up And Molested +Autopsy Determines Total Loser’s Corpse Contained No Traces Of Drugs, Alcohol +Obama Spends Another Night Searching Behind White House Paintings For Safes +Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed +Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents +Study: Home Rotisseries Only American Technological Field Still Advancing +The Case For And Against Circumcision +‘Polar Vortex’ To Be Replaced By ‘Pollen Vortex’ +Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol +Report: Average American Consuming 4 Ounces Of Cheese Right Now +Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine +Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning +The Cost Of The Average ER Visit +Employee’s Meteoric Rise Through Company A Testament To Staff Turnover +White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy +Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks +Study: Casual Marijuana Use Can Still Cause Brain Abnormalities +TSA Agent Can’t Bring Himself To Make Dad Take Off Comfy Shoes +Chelsea Clinton Expecting First Child +Man Attempting To Determine Whether Restaurant Closed Without Getting Too Close +Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar +Jaguars Surprised By String Of Prospects Openly Discussing Prior Drug Use, Criminal Activity During Interviews +Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt +Online Wizarding University Opens For Harry Potter Fans +Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today +Fisher-Price Designer Would Like To See 2-Year-Old Try And Choke On Newest Version +‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ Sequel In The Works +New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App +Moviegoer Manages To Sneak Candy Past Teenage Usher Earning $7 An Hour +Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family +Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Suggest Early Man Was Battling A Lot Of Inner Demons +Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure +Snacking May Help Minimize Spousal Conflict +Creationism Vs. Evolution: The Arguments For Each Side +Google Glass Users Facing Verbal, Physical Attacks +Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front +New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers +Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship +Good Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s +Community Theater Gives Part Of Blanche DuBois To Kathy Fucking Hamilton +Aldon Smith Quietly Relieved Terrorist Plot Wasn’t Totally Compromised +Marijuana Vending Machine Unveiled In Colorado +KFC Selling Chicken Prom Corsages +Doctor Recalls Average-Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery +Group Of Fifth-Grade Boys Discover Pile Of Naked Ladies Discarded In Woods +Intramural Rugby Game Taking Up Field For Last 2 Fucking Hours +FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States +It’s Been A While Since Someone Wrote A Hit Song About Twistin’ +Everyone In Bustling Chinese Parade Attempting To Elude Pursuers +Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty +Report: Chances Of IRS Tax Audit Lowest Since The 1980s +Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile +Beef Prices Highest In 27 Years +Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out +Rival PGA Hooligans Clash During Final Round Of Masters +The Rising Cost Of Weddings +Parents Surprised Cruel Teen Daughter Hasn’t Pushed Classmate To Breaking Point Yet +Americans Opting For Small Dogs Over Babies +Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor +Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic +Woman Barely Jogging +Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer +Progressive Zoo Houses Animals In Natural Destroyed Habitat +Tour Becoming One-On-One Between Guide And Man Who Knew Name Of McKinley’s Assassin +NBA Announces Initiative To Reduce League’s Garbage Time By 50% +Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers +Shoe Scientists Unveil Advanced ‘Double Knot’ Technology +Canadian Dentist Plans To Clone John Lennon +Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity +Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger +The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change +Statue Of Liberty Corporation To Shut Down All But New York Flagship Statue +Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio +Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances +Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck +CDC: Teens Losing Virginity Prior To Sex Ed +Archie Comics To Kill Off Archie +Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment +U.S. Surgeon General Recommends Patching Things Up With Father-In-Law +Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms +Fashion Industry Declares Hottest Spring Look Is Upbeat Attitude +Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways +NBA Viewers Ruled Out Until Playoffs +Scottish Town Builds $8,000 Statue Of Stray Cat +Bill Clinton, George W. Bush Watch NCAA Final Together +I Wish I Could Get Through To You With A Sports Analogy, Young Man +The Pros And Cons Of Vaccinating Children +New Employee Finally Around Long Enough To Be Deemed Incompetent +Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning +Spider Invasion Leads To Mazda Recall +Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate +‘Captain America’ Smashes Box-Office Records +Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood +Buster Olney Breaks In New Microphone By Tucking It Under Mattress For Night +Physician Shoots Off A Few Adderall Prescriptions To Improve Yelp Rating +Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries +Study: Morning Light Can Help You Lose Body Fat +Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes +Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael +NFL Increasingly Worried About Character Issues Of Fans +Top Of Mt. Everest Pulling Away Majority Of Hollywood Films With Generous Tax Credit Program +Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor +Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags +Report: U.S. Built Secret ‘Cuban Twitter’ To Stir Political Unrest +U.S. Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage +Supreme Court Eliminates Cap On Individual Campaign Donations +Mother Constantly Worried About Son Stationed On U.S. Military Base +Ryan Braun Desperate To Regain Trust Of Fans Before Cheating Again +‘Forbes’ Releases 2014 List Of Most Punchable CEOs +FedEx Confirms More Than 600,000 People Try To Mail Themselves Each Year +Woman Tragically Succumbs To Natural Hair Color +Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms +Creationists Stall South Carolina ‘State Fossil’ Bill +Michael Jackson Album To Feature New Songs +Report: 58% Of World’s Japanese Speakers White 23-Year-Old American Males +Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe +Tips For Getting In Shape +Nation Already Sick Of Baseball +Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty +EPA Announces New Initiative To Conserve Whatever’s Left +Creature That Craps In Box Too Fancy For Dry Food +Study: Popularity Can Raise Risk Of Being Bullied +‘Jeopardy’ Turns 50 +New Law Requires Richard Gere To Personally Inform Residents When He Moves To New Neighborhood +How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security +Study Finds Majority Of Non-Shark-Related Fears Completely Unjustified +If God Exists, Why Doesn’t He Throw Us, Like, A Really Fucking Sweet Party? +Netflix Town Criers Announce Arrival Of ‘Mad Men’ Season 6 On Streaming +Older Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old +NASA Asks Public To Vote On New Spacesuit +High School Makes Girls’ Yearbook Photos Less Sexy +Everyone On Wedding Dance Floor Simultaneously Wondering If They’re Truly Happy +Derrick Rose Pretty Sure He Just Tore ACL By Looking At Knee +How Recycling Works +LeVar Burton Raises $1 Million To Bring Back ‘Reading Rainbow’ +Scientific Community Baffled By Man Whose Waist 32 With Some Pants, 33 With Others +Budget Cheat Day Lets Government Splurge On Anything It Wants Once A Week +Apple Buys Beats Electronics For $3 Billion +American Medical Association Introduces New Highly Effective Placebo Doctors +Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher +Nation Will Always Have Fond, Vague Recollection Of Landon Donovan +Cheetos Social Media Team Arguing Over Whether Tweet In Chester Cheetah’s Voice +Modernized Space Camp Allows Kids To Simulate Frustration Over Lack Of Funding +Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like This +MLB Bans Managers From Using Electric Prods To Force Players Into Batting Cages +Study: College Education More Valuable Than Ever +Frontier Mother Just Wants One Nice Family Photo That Doesn’t End In Fatality +Company Unveils ‘Drinkable Sunscreen’ +Recovering Prince Fielder Sick Of Pounds And Pounds Of Hospital Food +New Study Finds Employee Morale Drastically Improves After Watching Coworker Throw Fit +Working Artist Has Developed Thick Skin For Sound Career Advice +Study: Human Ability To Cooperate Most Strongly Exhibited When Ordering Pizza +Beach Safety Tips +Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn’t Think She’s Worth $3,000 Gallstone Surgery +UConn Holding ‘Football 101’ Clinic For Female Fans +Parents Paying Professionals To Pack Kids’ Summer Camp Bags +‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens +VA To Improve Veterans’ Health Care With New $500 Million Waiting Room +College Rape Victim Pretty Thrilled She Gets To Recount Assault To Faculty Committee +Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room +Elderly Man Hailed As Alert +New STEM Education Initiative Inspires Girls To Earn Less Than Men In Scientific Career +Militia Leader Sentenced To 6 Months’ Probation For War Misdemeanors +Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim +Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop +Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens +Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him +Bored GOP Vetting Rand Paul Just To Kill Time Before Viable 2016 Candidate Emerges +Taco Bell Warns Employees Against Directly Exposing Skin To Food +Petco To Stop Selling Dog, Cat Treats Made In China +Girl Dating Star Recruit Thrilled To Learn Auburn Athletic Department Hiring +Girlfriend, Girlfriend’s Brother Look Way Too Much Alike +Levi Strauss CEO: Stop Washing Your Jeans +Revealing Spring Attire Reminds Man He Nothing More Than Weak, Hormonal Ogre +New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self +Experts Recommend Breaking Down Crushing Defeats Into Smaller, More Manageable Failures +Who Is California Chrome? +Congress Reluctant To Cut Funding For Tank That Just Spins Around And Self-Destructs +Ron Harper Won’t Stop Telling People He Was On Dream Team +Report: Causes Of Death Getting Less Cool Over Time +Resigned Labor Department To Give Every Unemployed American Self-Serve Yogurt Shop +Nutella Turns 50 +High School Suspends Hunky Student For Wearing Shirt +Man Disgusted Just By Constant Thought Of 2 Guys Kissing +Axl Rose Ranked Greatest Vocalist Of All Time +Miami Heat Confident They Have The Right Officiating To Triumph Over Pacers +Date Rapist Tossing His Mortarboard Into Air 3 Rows In Front Of You +Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend +Scientists Politely Remind World That Clean Energy Technology Ready To Go Whenever +3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor +Sad Man Tears 2 Bananas Off Larger Bunch +Facebook ‘Ask’ Feature Lets Friends Inquire About Relationships +Chipotle: Don’t Bring Guns Into Our Restaurants +Man's Insecurities Versatile Enough To Be Projected Onto Any Situation +Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor +Study: Most High School Graduates Woefully Unprepared For High School +I’m An ENTJ, Destroyer Of Worlds +Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White +Michael Jackson Hologram Performs At Billboard Music Awards +Retired Factory Worker Had No Idea Earnings From ’50s Would Have To Support 3 Generations Of Family +Study: Average American Now Requires 3 Attempts To Get Up From Seated Position +Report: Everything You've Ever Wanted Has Been Right In Front Of You All Along +Planning The Perfect Road Trip +Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites +Everyone In Friend Group Drinking Solely So They Can Tolerate Each Other +Blood-Sucking Lamprey Forced To Make Awkward Small Talk With Fish It’s Hooked Onto +Americans Overstate Claims Of Church Attendance +Japanese Fans: New Godzilla Too Fat +Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon +Amnesty International Blasts Conditions Of NHL Penalty Boxes +Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper +American Medical Association Changes Stance On Self-Immolation +Biden Loses Control Of Butterfly Knife During Commencement Speech +Survey Finds 1 In 4 Adults Anti-Semitic +‘New York Times’ Editor Fired +Everyone In Sears Spanking A Child +Nancy Pelosi Rushes Into Living Room To Hear Grandson’s First Talking Point +High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job +Paleontologists Unearth Earliest Known Dinosaur Stickers +Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café +Congress Splits Into Male And Female Senators To Discuss Newest Reproductive Bill +Jerry Jones Not Ruling Out Someday Trading Way Too Much For Johnny Manziel +Top Wedding Trends For 2014 +Being Ignored On Facebook Lowers Self-Esteem +Pope Francis Says He Would Baptize Martians +Prescription Bottle Recommends Taking 10 Tablets If You Really Want To Fly +How Twitter Is Trying To Retain Users +Pharmaceutical Industry Reeling As More Moms Making Vaccines At Home +McDonald’s Janitor Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Tossed Half-Full Cups Of Soda Into Trash +Opposing Team Terrified After Seeing Home Fans All Wearing Same Color T-Shirt +Report: Growing Number Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Collaborating On Song With Pitbull +Study: Bullies Derive Health Benefits From Behavior +Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle +Casey Kasem Missing +Military-Level Operation Being Planned To Get Grandma Through Graduation +One Million Gather In Confetti-Filled Times Square As U.S. Unveils World Cup Roster +Court: Company Lied About Health Benefits Of Finger Shoes +Abortion Must Be Safe, Legal, And Soon +The Case For And Against Animal Testing +Budget Woes Force Heaven To Reduce Eternal Life To 500 Billion Years +The Pros And Cons Of Breastfeeding +Report: Average American Has Just 20% Of What It Takes +First Openly Gay Player Selected In NFL Draft +Stone-Hearted Ice Witch Forgoes Exclamation Point +Mom Thought NFL’s First Openly Gay Player Should Have Been Drafted Earlier +Local Man Not Sure How He Ended Up In Boxing Entourage +Home Trampolines Responsible For 1 Million ER Visits +McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries +Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away +Newly Engaged Couple Receives Incredible Outpouring Of Insincerity From Family, Friends +Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast +Unsettling Basketball Article Praises Portland Trail Blazers’ Young, Voluptuous Talent +Study: Seeing Jesus In Toast ‘Perfectly Normal’ +‘Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ Movie In The Works +I’m Pretty Sure I’m Carrying Out God’s Will +Man Deeply Suspicious After Insurer Covers Prescription Without Hassle +U.N. Report On Magical Realism Warns Of Increased Incidences Of Women’s Tears Flooding The Entire World +‘I Want To Be With Someone Else,’ Says Woman Who Must Think 3-Time Hyundai Sales Leaders Grow On Trees +Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went To Store As Kids +Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft +Scientists Developing Heat-Resistant Chickens To Withstand Climate Change +Mel Kiper Trapped For 3 Days Under Toppled Big Board +Wedding DJ Assures Anxious Man He Hasn’t Forgotten ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ Request +Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad +Poll: Elite Colleges Don’t Produce Happier Graduates +Who Is Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau? +Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago +Nation’s Limo Drivers Spend Magical Prom Night Playing Scratch-Off Tickets In Parking Lot +Michael Jordan Mulling Return To Craps Table +Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home +Brutally Honest New Revlon Ad Campaign Reminds Customers You Can’t Change What You Are +Study: Firstborn Children Have More Ambition +Supreme Court: Public Meetings Can Have Opening Prayer +Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day +NFL Thankful Northwestern’s Activist Players Will Never Make It To League +Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen +Son, I’ll Always Love You Whether You’re Straight Or A Closeted Gay +Stephen Hawking: Artificial Intelligence Could Spell End For Mankind +Drones Banned At Yosemite +Income Inequality Emerges As Key Topic To Avoid In 2014 Elections +Tiger Always Checked Out Of Local Zoo +Airbnb User Loves How Easy Website Makes It To Ejaculate In Stranger’s Sink +Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering +The Pros And Cons Of Homeschooling +Astronaut To Deliver UConn Commencement Address From Space +60 Teens Arrested In Senior Class Prank +Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings +Study Finds Backing Down In Fight With Loved One Extremely Harmful To Relationship +James Cameron Says Future Of Movies Will Be Watching Them Sitting On His Lap +Report: Injuries On Rise As More MLB Players Sliding Headfirst Into Dugout +Report: 'SkyMall' Magazine May End Print Edition +Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once +Deeply Held Conviction Immediately Dropped After Friend Half-Heartedly Disagrees +Facebook Announces "Anonymous Log-In" For Apps +Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops +Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts +Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire +Study: Lab Mice Stressed Out By Male Scientists +Mother Ferries 4 More Shirt Options Back To Son In Gap Dressing Room +Progressive Parents Allow Child To Choose How He’s Ostracized By Peers +Brazilian Government Vows To Use All Money From World Cup For Much-Needed Soccer Infrastructure +Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan +Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain +Man Invites Friends To Bar To Watch Game, Interact Fleetingly During Commercial Breaks +Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation +Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again +New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents +Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer +Most Popular Fitness Trends +Supreme Court: Police Need Warrant To Search Cell Phones +Astronomers Discover Massive Asteroid That Could Wipe Out Life On Earth, Force Nordstrom Out Of Business +This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set +‘The Lion King’ Turns 20 +Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis +The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth +Goalkeeper Announces Plans To Frantically Wave And Yell At Teammates Before Corner Kicks +Facebook Bans Sale Of ISIS Clothing +What The Average Funeral Costs +Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything +FDA Recalls Food +Starbucks To Sell Handcrafted Sodas +Indifferent Jazz Just Ask NBA To Draft Them A Forward +Report: Shame Of Walking Out Without Buying Anything Drives 90% Of Purchases At Small Businesses +‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds +‘To Defeat Them, I Must Become Them,’ John Kerry Says While Putting On Black Face Mask +Standing Meetings Can Increase Productivity +Report Finds More Americans Putting Off Children Until Companies Are Ready +Report: Only Predictor Of Happy Marriage Is If Husband Ever Won Wife Big Stuffed Animal At Amusement Park +When I Need Strength, I Turn To The Bible Or Whatever Else Is Around +Great White Shark Populations Surging Off East Coast +New Report Suggests It Kind Of Weird Baseball Uniforms Have Belts +Hardened Snacker Keeps Trying To Rediscover That First Mind-Blowing Nacho Cheese High +Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters +Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings +Magical Office Worker Able To Turn Everything He Touches Into More Work For Colleagues +U.S. Government Sets Aside 600,000 Acres Of Pristine Land For Future Generations To Pollute +Man Watching World Cup Thought He Would’ve Seen More Bicycle Kicks By Now +Study: Kids With Less Structured Schedules More Successful +Least Avid Sports Fan Tasked With Fetching The Next Round +New York Outlaws Pet Tattoos, Piercings +Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores +Anthropologists Classify 43 New Species Of Weirdo Within Subway Ecosystem +Erik Spoelstra Under Impression Big 3 Will Take Pay Cut To Keep Playing Under Him +New Department Of Agriculture Study Finds 85% Of U.S. Farmers Woefully Kicking At Dirt +Study: More Couples Delaying Divorce Until Kids Old Enough To Remember Every Painful Detail +FDA Proposes Social Media Guidelines For Drug Companies +Mattel Introduces Entrepreneur Barbie +Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine +Missed Call From Dad At 9 A.M. Strikes Terror Into Area Man’s Heart +Dad Thought He Could Make It Out Of Zoo Without Buying Kids Light-Up Shit +Nation Wondering Why Struggling Mental Health System Can’t Just Pull Itself Together +YouTube Threatens To Block Indie Musicians +Study Finds Americans Lead World In Ability To Justify Unnecessary Purchases +Mysterious Portrait Discovered Beneath Picasso Painting +Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor +What Is ISIS? +Thomas The Tank Engine Theme Park Announced +Study: More Men Opting To Be In Room When Wife Conceives Baby +Man Unaware All His Friends Think Of Him When They Want To Put Things Into Perspective +Tips For The Perfect Cruise +Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route +Understanding The Situation In Iraq +O.J. Simpson Car Chase Hits 20th Anniversary +Miami Heat Don’t Have Heart To Tell Devoted Fans They Lost NBA Finals +Sonny Corleone Would Still Be Alive Today If He Had E-ZPass +Guys’ Weekend Getaway Begins With Daring Purchase Of New Kind Of Beer +3 Dozen Chemical, Emotional Responses Activated By Phrase ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ +International Space Station To Get Espresso Machine +Jurgen Klinsmann Ends Moving Pregame Speech With ‘We’re Probably Going To Lose, Though’ +Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition +Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office +Shocking ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale Concludes With Arrest Of 5 Million Viewers For Piracy +Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster +Ambitious Social Media Startup Has Long-Term 3-Month Plan For Company +Prisoners’ Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation’s Magnetic Detainment Cubes +Nation Confident Team USA Can Participate In World Cup +Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood +Coast Guard Going To Let Stranded Yacht Owner Sweat It Out Little More +Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults +Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos +Bribery Suspected After 2022 World Cup Moved To Richard Branson’s Backyard +Woman Who Changed Self To Please Boyfriend Enjoying Happy Long-Term Relationship +More Corporations Using Tag And Release Programs To Study American Consumers +Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’ +U.S. Coach: America Will Not Win World Cup +Resigning House Leader Cantor Reflects On All The Accomplishments He Thwarted +Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts +Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat +Winner Of World Cup Hammered Out Just In Time For Tournament +Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards +Starbucks Adding Grilled Cheese To Menu +Townsperson In Online RPG Universe Figures Shield, Gold Pieces Should Be Safe In Barrel +5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain +Dad Not Going To Pay Someone To Fix Marriage When He Can Do It Himself +Impoverished Child In Third World Dreams About One Day Leaving Light On For No Reason +Nation’s Cable Companies Announce They’re Just Going To Take $100 From Everyone +L.A. Mayor Pledges To Eat Sackful Of New York Garbage If Kings Lose Stanley Cup +Universal Studios, Warner Bros. Enter Talks To Reduce Stockpiles Of Unproduced Reboots +Child Entertained For 5 Minutes By Plastic Toy That Will Take 1,000 Years To Biodegrade +Study: Average American Tries Getting Out Of 10,000 Things Each Year +Highlights From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir +Computer Passes Turing Test, Successfully Impersonates Human +More Crimes Linked To ‘Slender Man’ Internet Meme +World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad +Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something +Can You Recommend A Good WWII Documentary For The More Ample Gentleman? +Desperate Barnes & Noble To Give Unlimited Free Tablets To Anyone Who Walks In Store +FDA Orders Warning Labels On Tanning Beds +Passion With Which Child Demanding Balloon Actually Kind Of Inspiring +New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier +Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come +Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub +States Now Offering Millions In Tax Breaks To Any Person Who Says ‘High-Tech Jobs’ +Report: More Couples Getting Social Media Prenups +New Charter School Lottery System Gives Each Applicant White Pill, Enrolls Whoever Left Standing +Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa +Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu +New Law Enforcement Robot Can Wield Excessive Force Of 5 Human Officers +Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah +Disney Sells Princess Leia Merchandise After Twitter Protest +Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’ In The Works +Who Is Bowe Bergdahl? +Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth +Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early +World’s Supercomputers Release Study Confirming They Are Not Powerful Enough +National Park Service Provides Deer Meat To Homeless +Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop +Bill Simmons Ventures Into Interdimensional Vortex To Find Out If LeBron James Could Dominate In Different NBA Eras +Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year +Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense +NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off +Man Updates Little Monologue Recited When Extended Relatives Ask How He’s Doing +Investigation Of What Fell Off Nightstand Postponed Until Morning +Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels +Summer Vacation Vs. Year-Round Schooling +God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die +Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert +ESPN Now Allowing Second-Year Anchors To Live Off Campus +Hurricanes With Female Names Kill More People +How Companies Are Going Green +Wife Throws Raw Meat At Casey Kasem’s Daughter +Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting +Ready 4 Love +Residents Plagued By Roving Pack Of Feral Celebrities Living In Hollywood Hills +Study: Cat People Smarter Than Dog People +Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already +White House Swaps With Taliban To Free U.S. Soldier +The Case For And Against NSA Surveillance Online +Rest Of World Not Biting On Couple’s Open Relationship +Single Most Replaceable Person In Company Will Walk If He Doesn’t Get Raise +New EPA Regulations Would Force Power Plants To Find 30% More Loopholes By 2030 +Man Holding Giant Turkey Leg Never Been More Captivating In Entire Life +Cavaliers GM Believes Joel Embiid Perfect Prospect To Build Medical Team Around +Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir +49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels +Study: Dads Who Do Dishes Have More Ambitious Daughters +‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Filming Angers Bird Experts +Report Finds Children Of Parents Often Become Parents Themselves +Experts Warn Situation In Gaza Will Get Worse Before It Gets Much Worse +Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup +Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind +Psychology Comes To Halt As Weary Researchers Say The Mind Cannot Possibly Study Itself +GlaxoSmithKline Releases New Drug To Treat People Who Just Feel Sort Of Weird Sometimes +New Study Finds Running For 20 Minutes Each Day Could Add Years Of Soreness To Life +Men Think Women Who Listen To Them Are Sexier +Rookie Infielder Still Learning Names Of Every Base +Feds: McDonald’s Responsible For Welfare Of Franchise Workers +Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away +Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone +Patient Zero Kicking Back In 38C With Episode Of ‘New Girl’ +Hillary Clinton Spends Busy Day Fueling Speculation, Not Ruling Things Out +Study Finds College Still More Worthwhile Than Spending 4 Years Chained To Radiator +How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales +Area Man Somewhat Disturbed To Think Perfect Woman For Him Out There Somewhere +‘Cosmo’ Finally Features Sex Tips For Lesbians +Amazingly Humanlike Robot Able To Commit Thousands Of Mistakes Per Day +Study: Infants Can Smell Mothers’ Fears +The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian +Report: Majority Of CIA Now Ready To Install Female World Leader +Wikipedia Bans Congress From Editing Pages +We’re Not So Different, You And Me And Joe Walsh +Report: Majority Of Football Fans Better Informed On Health Of NFL Players Than Parents +FDA Approves First Artificial Tumor +Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There +Guy Riding ATV Has Really Been Looking Forward To Breaking His Neck On Wooded Trail +ExxonMobil, Chevron Locked In Bidding War To Acquire Lucrative Pennsylvania Senator +Open-Minded Man Would Be Willing To Look Past Jennifer Lawrence’s Flaws +New York Times Endorses Legalizing Marijuana +Assisted Care Facility Hits Grand Fucking Slam With Little Styrofoam Cups Of Sherbet +T.J. Maxx Job Application Just Asks Prospective Employees How Much They Plan To Shoplift +Study: Earth In Middle Of ‘Sixth Extinction’ +Man Unwilling To Skydive Blasted For Contradicting Previous ‘Up For Whatever’ Stance +Tylenol No Better Than Sugar Pills For Helping Back Pain +Scientists: Rich People, Poor People May Have Shared Common Ancestor +Executioner Enters Lethal Injection Room With Bag From Home Depot +Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Retirement To Live Comfortably On Streets +Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter +Report: Countless Invasive Species Detained In EPA Black Sites +Study Finds Dogs Can Experience Jealousy +Comic-Con Holding First-Ever Transgender Panel +Nation’s Gratuitously Sexual Couples Announce Plans To Wait In Line At Six Flags +Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough +Obama To Cut Costs By Packing Lunch Every Day For U.S. Populace +Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods +Israel’s, Hamas’ Disregard For Palestinian Life Aligning Nicely +Couples Battling For Trendy 12/13/14 Wedding Date +How Your Amazon Order Reaches You +93% Of Americans Admit They Occasionally Check Behind Shower Curtain For Bad Guys +Israel: Palestinians Given Ample Time To Evacuate To Nearby Bombing Sites +Mysterious White Surrender Flags Appear Above Brooklyn Bridge +Frustrated Employee No Longer Even Trying To Hide GRE Study Books +Bud Selig Still Hoping To See Game At Every Major League Baseball Stadium +AP Reporter In Gaza Needs Another Term For ‘Blood-Soaked’ +Study Finds Only 5% Of Americans Have Correct Amount Of Pride In Country +Report: Climate Change Skeptics Could Reach Catastrophic Levels By 2020 +NYC Approves Apartment Building With Separate ‘Rich Doors,’ ‘Poor Doors’ +Area Man Knows Exactly Which Relatives Would Be Problem If He Ever Came Into Money +New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car +Lifeguard Would Save Drowning Man, But Who Is He To Play God? +Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak +Who Is Vladimir Putin? +New Anti-Abortion Legislation Requires Doctors To Scale 18-Foot Wall Surrounding Clinic +IKEA Placing Cardboard Cutouts Of Dogs In Furniture Showrooms To Encourage Adoption +Give It To Me As Roundabout And Sugarcoated As Possible, Doc +Facebook Testing Out ‘Buy’ Button +Texans Confident They Have Right Pieces In Place To Make Deep Preseason Run +Man In Elevator In On Conversation Now +Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed +Study Finds High School Students Retain Only One-Third Of Obsolete Curriculum Over Summer +Man’s Anxiety Not About To Let Depression Muscle In On Turf +Report: More Parents Hiring Drug-Sniffing Dogs To Find Kids’ Pot +BREAKING: Cavaliers Agree To Trade Andrew Wiggins, LeBron James For Kevin Love +Report: Majority Of UFO Abductions Committed By Alien That Person Knows +Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos +Palestinians Starting To Have Mixed Feelings About Being Used As Human Shields +Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday +Report: 76ers Have Enough Cap Space To Infuriate Fan Base +KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy +Man Concerned He Spread Himself Too Thin Between Eating Sandwich, Watching Television +Study: Sexy Facebook Profile Pics May Hurt Women At Work +New Study Finds Most Of Earth’s Oxygen Used For Complaining +God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research +Everyone In Middle East Given Own Country In 317,000,000-State Solution +Mom Starting To Fear Son’s Web Series Closest Thing She Will Have To Grandchild +NASA: Humans Will Find Aliens Within Next 20 Years +Marvel Announces Thor Will Now Be Represented As A Woman +Voters Clamoring To Know If Female Political Candidate A Mother First +NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun +Brazilian Government Posts Listings For 12 Soccer Stadiums On Craigslist +Police Department Reduces Costs By Using Same Evidence For Every Investigation +New Plus-Size Clothing Store To Play Pre-Recorded Compliments In Fitting Rooms +Archie Andrews Dies Taking Bullet For Openly Gay Friend +Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Game, Theoretically +Report Confirms No Need To Make New Chairs For The Time Being +Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict +Whitewater Rafting Trip In Which Friend Drowned Still Pretty Fun +Shit, Guy In Front Of You Ordering For Entire Construction Crew +Study: Women Threatened By Peers Wearing Red +Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered +World Cup Draws Record US Television Ratings +Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl Recaptured By Taliban After Wandering Off Texas Base +Man Needs Verbal Assurance That Hand Stamp Will Get Him Back In +Study Finds People On Dates Know Within 30 Seconds If Other Person Is Newt Gingrich +Youngest Sibling In Family Kind Of Thought Mom Would Lose Steam By Now +Messi: ‘I’m Sorry I Let Down The People Of Barcelona’ +World Cup Inspires Whole New Generation Of Foreign Players To Someday Play For U.S. +‘Hunger Games’ Name Among Most Popular Of 2014 +First Transgender Person Nominated For Emmy +LeBron James Guarantees Cleveland Will Win Numerous Regular Season Games +Two Dozen Restaurant Patrons Made Violently Ill From Marriage Proposal +Study Finds Humans Only Animals Capable Of Recognizing Former Selves In Mirror +Community A Wasteland Of Professional Athletes’ Failed Side Businesses +Study: 20% Of High School Seniors Smoke Hookahs +Man Failing To Heed Harsh Lessons Of Past Orders Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster +Man Confused By Compliment From Person Whose Career He Can’t Help +NFL Releases New Study On Dangers Of Concussions In Youth Soccer +Judge: Insane Clown Posse Juggalos Can Be Classified As Gang +Man Who Watched Most Of World Cup Match Knows Exactly How To Fix U.S. Team +Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget +Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much +Study Finds Children Of Same-Sex Parents Happier And Healthier +British Royal Family Places Queen Elizabeth In Nursing Home +Mick Jagger Blamed For Brazil’s Historic World Cup Defeat +Obama Always Freaked Out By People Standing Above Him Smiling Whenever He Signs Bill +Friend Takes Liberty Of Ordering $40 Worth Of Appetizers For Entire Table +45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture +Legal Dream Team Of Coworkers Counsel Woman On Strategy For Speeding Ticket +‘Cats’ Musical To Feature Rapping Cat +Magnanimous Boss, King Of Kings, Allows Employees To Watch World Cup In Office +Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories +Crumbs Cupcake Shops Out Of Business +Breaking: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda +German Team Hoping To Lift Nation’s Spirit Following Reports Of 5% Unemployment +Moon Finally Hatches +Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley +Few More Items Knocked Off List Of Desirable Traits In Partner As Woman Turns Year Older +Study: Psychedelic Mushrooms May Be Good For Brain +TSA To Prohibit Uncharged Electronic Devices +Environmental Study Finds Air In Chicago Now 75% Bullets +Each Line Of MasterCard Billing Statement Evokes Infuriating Vacation Memory +Man Flirting With Girl At Party Can’t Wait To Be Informed She Has Boyfriend +Ravens Warn Rookies To Save Some Extra Money For Bail +Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort +Study: Too Much TV Can Lead To Early Death +Delayed Rocket Launch Causes Astronaut To Miss Connecting Flight +Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips +Red Lobster Celebrates Return Of Annual All-You-Can-Eat Krill Fest +Report: End Zones Are The 2 Big Trees And The Parking Lot +Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family +Fireworks Safety Tips +Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus +Little-Known Facts About The Founding Fathers +Insufferable Man Utters Words ‘Craft Beer Movement’ +Report: 57% Of All Activism Involves Petitions To Bring Back Discontinued Food Items +Area Man Sends Message To 3,600 Friends Asking What They're Up To Tonight +Abercrombie & Fitch Dropping Logos From Clothes +Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status +Doctors Optimistic Sam Bradford 2 Months Away From Beginning Work On Broadcasting Career +Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line +Researchers: Panda Faked Pregnancy To Get More Bamboo +Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way +‘Hello Kitty’ Actually A British Schoolgirl +A Look At The Class Of 2018 +Secretary Of Interior Says Knocking Down Rocky Mountains Could Really Open Nation Up +Koch Brothers Encouraging Youth To Make Voices Heard By Registering Super PAC +New Rec Room Has Everything A Teen Could Want, Reports Church Youth Pastor +Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner +Report: Female Interns Earn Only Three-Fourths Of College Credit That Male Counterparts Do +New ‘Smart Polo’ Detects Wearer’s Stress Levels +Arby’s Offering Secret ‘Meat Mountain’ Sandwich For Those Who Ask +Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To +Elderly Lobbyist Always Droning On About How Little Legislation Cost In His Day +How Do Militant Groups Attract Americans? +Teacher Asks Students To Split Into 2 Groups To Simulate Ideal Class Size +Unpopular Police Officer Thinking About Committing Racially Motivated Offense For A Little Support +Grandfather Not Taking South Korea’s Little League World Series Win Very Well +Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals +Farmer Chases Fifth Wedding Party Out Of Barn This Month +Pediatricians: School Should Start Later For Teens So They Can Sleep +Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life +‘Knee Defender’ Passenger Fight Diverts Entire Plane +Increased Violence Leads State Department To Issue Advisory For Americans Traveling To 1861 +Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents +We’re Going To Enjoy This Cocaine-Fueled Mason Jar Rocket Ride For As Long As It Lasts +Condoleezza Rice Spends First 15 Minutes Of College Football Committee Meeting Asking What The Fuck She Is Doing There +Leaving Dorm Room Door Open To Play Large Role In Freshman’s Social Strategy +MTV Airs Ferguson Public Service Announcement During VMA Awards +‘Active Shooter At Large,’ Reports Endless Background Hum Of Modern American Life +Chinese Movie Theaters Displaying Audience Texts On Screen +L’Oréal Releases New Line Of Makeup Specifically For Men To Wear When Wives Not Home +Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful +FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound +Study: Couples Who Throw Big Weddings Have Happier Marriages +Report: More Americans Putting Off Retirement Until Final Few Moments Before Death +Report: 79% Of Minority Suspects Receive Miranda Rights While Unconscious +Illinois Department Of Corrections Unveils New Open-Plan Prison +Report: Average American Worker Replaced Within 10 Minutes Of Taking Vacation +Survey: Rich People More Likely To Disapprove Of ‘Participation Trophies’ +Bored Kim Jong-Un Stacks Entire North Korean Populace Into Human Pyramid To Kill Time +Pure-Hearted Little League World Series Players Playing Simply For Love Of ESPN’s Bottom Line +God Knocked Unconscious By DirectTV Satellite +Starbucks Bringing Coffee Trucks To College Campuses +Night Out Thrown Off-Balance By Friend Unexpectedly Bringing Someone +Campus Tour Guide Reminds Students At Each Stop They Have To Get In First +Browns Impressed By Johnny Manziel’s Chemistry With Bench +Justin Bieber Criticized For Cheating On ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ +Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time +Washed-Up Toddler Can’t Point Out Things Like He Used To +Symphony Orchestra Simply Cannot Wait For Collaboration With John Mellencamp +Rubble Courts At Tennis’s Syrian Open Present Unique Challenge For Players +How Companies Are Appealing To Millennials +Study: Children’s Drawings Predict Intelligence Later In Life +Friends Regret Encouraging Man To Say What’s On His Mind +NFL: Musicians Should Pay To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show +BREAKING: Mrs. Nichols Also Daniel’s Mom +Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs +World Wildlife Fund Donors Receive Refund After Western Black Rhino Goes Extinct +Report: Average American Loses $5,000 Each Year From Splitting Check +Man Wearing Low-Cut Swimsuit As Though Public Pool A Sun-Kissed Sardinian Cove +Study Finds 79% Of Statistics Now Sobering +More Women Getting Hand Surgery To Look Good In ‘Ring Selfies’ +Vegan Oktoberfest Coming To California +Top Parenting Trends Of 2014 +Chinese Journalists Bemoan Decline Of Traditional State-Run Newspapers, Rise Of State-Run New Media +Architects Of 2026 Market Crash Just Finished A Highly Productive Lunch +#poopjeanteasdalesays +Fantasy Football Costs Businesses $13.4 Billion In Lost Productivity +Teary-Eyed Wrestlers Bid Farewell To Friends Made At SummerSlam +The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police +Geneticists Debate Ethics Of Cloning Humans And Forcing Them To Fight To Death In Pit For Our Amusement +SeaWorld To Expand Orca Environments +Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore +Fireflies Almost Salvage Man’s Shitty Day +Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid +Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side +Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’ +Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries +Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs +Museum Proudly Exhibits Picasso Shitty Enough To Be In Kansas City +Report: Standing At Work Can Increase Coworkers’ Disdain Up To 70% +Social Media ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Raises Millions For Lou Gehrig’s Disease +Aisle Of Hispanic Food Items All Man Needs To Know About Fate Of Country +FDA Recommends At Least 3 Servings Of Foods With Word ‘Fruit’ On Box +Neither Pickup Basketball Team Has Scored In Over 2 Hours +Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen +Visit To Doctor Splurged On +New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together +Study: Average American’s Interests Have Practically No Influence On Government Policy +LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange +Study: 63% Of All Human Speech Occurs Under Breath +Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster +Sometimes Unfortunate Things Happen In The Heat Of A 400-Year-Old Legacy Of Racism +Study: Sex Education Should Start As Early As Age 10 +Running Back Interested In Going In Different Directions After Learning To Cut +Cartoon Peppers On Menu A Foreboding Warning To All Who Would Dare Order Spicy Entrees +Disney Expanding ‘Star Wars’ Attractions At Theme Parks +Police Officer Doesn’t See A Difference Between Black, Light-Skinned Black Suspects +Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year +Report: Stagnant Economy Forcing More Americans To Take Jobs As Infrastructure +The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children +Study: 73% Of Bedroom Closets Have Wife’s Boy Toy Crouched Naked Inside +Obama Has Colorado Appraised +Report: More Americans Relying On Grandparents To Help Fuck Up Their Kids +Burger-Flipping Robot Could Replace Fast Food Workers +Smokey The Bear Gets Millennial Makeover For 70th Anniversary +Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated +Livestock Happiest, Healthiest Attendees Of State Fair +FCC Mandates Text-To-911 Emergency Service +I’m Always Open To Feedback That I Can Get Defensive About And Ultimately Ignore +Documentary A Scathing Indictment Of Director’s Filmmaking Skills +Weird New Cereal Sets Tone For First Weekend At Divorced Dad’s +New Ankle-Bracelet Baby Monitor Predicts Infant’s Mood +Area Man Feels Even Lazier When He Thinks About How Much ISIS Has Accomplished This Year +George Clooney Enjoys Another Rousing Evening At Home With Mummified Members Of Rat Pack +Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her +Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident +Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program +Study: Americans Eat Half Their Meals Alone +Article About Return Of Burger King Chicken Fries Only News Area Man Has Clicked On Today +Area Man Up For Anything Except Being The One Who Makes The Decision +Obama: Iraq Airstrikes Not Slippery Slope To Other Humanitarian Interventions +NRA Removes ‘Guns For The Blind’ Video +Rest Of Evening Spent Declaring Asshole Not Going To Ruin Evening +Cardinals To Donate $1,000 To Charity Every Time John Lackey Hits A Batter +Frito-Lay Contest Offers Consumers Chance To Appear In Upcoming Bag Of SunChips +McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee +China Bans Government Use Of Apple Products +Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of +Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living +Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever +Delta Launches Alumni Magazine For People Who Flew Airline Previously +Nation’s Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Review’s ‘Best College Radio Station’ Rankings +‘Pheromone Parties’ Help Singles Find Dates By Sniffing Each Other +Tiger Woods Developing Swing That Doesn’t Send Pain Shooting Through Every Inch Of Body +Hispanics Expected To Become Majority Of U.S. Population By Middle Of Father-In-Law’s Rant +Entirety Of Man’s Personal Data Protected By Reference To Third Season Of ‘The West Wing’ +Russian Gangsters Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords +Dorm Room Essentials +Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them +Study Finds Blame Now Fastest Human Reflex +Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever +New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job +More Couples Using ‘Wedding Drones’ To Film Nuptials +Open Carry Gun Law Advocates Release Children’s Book +Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East +Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son +Keeping Your Child Safe Online +If The Founding Fathers Were Alive Today, They’d Be Too Fascinated By A Garbage Disposal To Do Anything +Seventh-Grader Only Has 2 Weeks Left To Acquire Cool Identity By First Day Of School +Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back +Study: Human Culture Evolved As Testosterone Levels Fell +Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader +Michelle Obama Can Still Hear Their Little Labored Breaths When She Closes Her Eyes +PETA Demands New Ending For Live-Action ‘Dumbo’ +Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime +Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting +Pitiful Man Struggles To Find Reason Not To Watch Rebroadcast Of 2006 Michigan-Ohio State Game +Employer Totally Botches Job Interview +Company Lets Customers Send Dead Pets’ Ashes To Space +Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver +Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game +Fan At Indians Game Upset To Find Someone Else In His Section +Biden Gets Grow Light Delivered To White House Under Fake Name +Groundbreaking Young Adult Novel Features Protagonist Who’s A Bit Of A Loner +Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries +Report: Average Person Spends 27% Of Lifetime In The Way +People Bending iPhones At Apple Stores +Man Hates Being Put In Position Where He Has To Think, Feel, Or Act +50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish +I’m Sorry, But You’re Just Not The Man I Hoped You Would Become When We Got Married +Report: Consumer Confidence In Amorphous, Indefinable Idea Of Economy Highest Since 2006 +Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends +Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings +Kim Jong-Un Suffering From Gout Caused By Eating Too Much Cheese +Nation Braces For 13 More Weeks Of Coworkers Talking About Their Fantasy Football Teams +George Clooney Gets Married +Highlights Of George Clooney’s Wedding +How China Stifles Dissent +Diabetic, Gout-Ridden Kim Jong-Un By Far Healthiest Person In North Korea +Liberal Arts Graduate Realizes He’s Already Forgotten 90% Of Human Condition +New NFL Rule Protects Quarterbacks From Brutal Criticism +NFL Week Four Winners And Losers +Study Finds Mass Extinction Could Free Up Billions Of Dollars In Conservation Funding By 2024 +Video Game ‘Swatting’ Hoax Costing Police Hundreds Of Thousands Of Dollars +Public Vs. Private Universities +Fantasy Football Week 4: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Nation’s Younger Cousins Announce Plans To Cry At Haunted Houses This Year +New ‘Anti-Facebook’ Social Network Ello Boasts Lack Of Ads +Heineken Reminds NFL Executives They Would Be Pretty Forgiving Corporate Sponsor +Pros And Cons Of Never Getting Married +Tense Party Enters Third Hour Of Unplayed Acoustic Guitar Leaning Against Wall +Man Watches 5 Innings Of Game On Concession Stand’s TV Monitor +Report: Americans Throw Out More Food Than Plastic, Paper, Metal, Or Glass +BREAKING: This Is Section 208, We’re Supposed To Be In 209 +Frozen Tundra Of Emptiness Stretching Out Forever And Ever Weighed Against Date With Mike4763 +Derek Jeter: ‘I Will Never Enter This Part Of The City Again’ +Yankees Unveil Beautiful Derek Jeter Cage In Monument Park +Obama Informs Nation Anarchy Will Reign During Search For New Attorney General +Fans Angered As Epcot Replaces Classic Ride With ‘Frozen’ Attraction +Senator Trying To Make Long-Distance Relationship Work With Constituency Back Home +Area Man Experimented With Sex Back In College +Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War +‘Food-Shaming’ Fork Vibrates When Users Don’t Pause Between Bites +Tollbooth Attendant Wishes Just One High-Speed Chase Would Crash Through Entry Bar +Obama Faces Backlash For ‘Beverage Salute’ +Parents Considering Second Child So Daughter Can Have Someone To Grow Apart From +What Mom Would Have Wanted Evolving Over Course Of Funeral Planning +Sources: NFL Knew What Evil Lurking Within Heart Of Man +Man Given 3 Months To Live Throws In One Or Two Non-Sexual Things To Do +Woman Worried Student Loans Could Prevent Her From One Day Owning Entirely Different Kind Of Crippling Debt +Man Stuck In Dead-End Body +New Cuddlr App Helps Strangers Meet For ‘Platonic Cuddling’ +House Cat Announces Plans To Just Sit There For 46 Minutes +Alaska Reporter Quits On Air To Become Cannabis Campaigner +Pop-Tarts Turn 50 +It’s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks +NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email +Too Late Now To Switch From Checkout Line With Talkative Cashier +Senator To Try Submitting Rejected Bill To Canadian Parliament +Report: You’re Actually Saving Money With Roller Rink Membership +Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds +Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now +400,000 Protesters Turn Out For People’s Climate March In NYC +7.1 Billion Demonstrate In Favor Of Global Warming +NFL Week Three Winners And Losers +Man Has Pretty Good Idea Which Friend Going To Give Up On Dream First +U.S. Still Enjoying Small But Loyal Following +Poll: 90% Of Americans Say Domestic Abuse Revelations Haven’t Changed How Much Football They Watch +Tips For Paying For College +Report: Women Getting ‘Boot Bulge’ Liposuction To Fit Into Fall Boots +Police Satisfied After Drunk Man Assures Them There’s No Problem +Report: More Children Being Raised With Religion Of Pushier Parent +Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided +Survey: 10% Of Americans Have Gone To Work High +Report: Many U.S. Schools Can’t Afford Mannequins, Human Urine For Art Classes +Johnson & Johnson Hoping Brand Won’t Be Tarnished If They Dip Into Lethal Injection Game +Obama Tweets To Scotland: Stay United With U.K. +Artifacts Discovered Buried In Washington D.C. Suggest Humans Once Passed Laws There +British Empire To Be Reduced To 8 Acres Around Buckingham Palace By 2050 +Report: Mom and Dad’s House Starting To Smell Like Grandma And Grandpa’s House +Family Members Of NFL Players Desperately Call For More Overseas Games +F. Scott Fitzgerald Estate Wondering Why The Hell Ken Burns Hasn’t Come Knocking Yet +Man Visiting Hometown Amazed To Find All His Childhood Insecurities Still There +Many Pediatricians Avoiding Talking To Teens About Sex +Encouragement Of Family, Friends Motivating Man To Keep Struggling Indefinitely +Study: Liberals, Conservatives Smell Different +How Public Schools Spend Taxpayer Money +Highly Touted Terrorist Prospect Weighing Multiple Recruitment Offers +BREAKING: Adrian Peterson Deactivated By Family +More Cities Using Text-Based Alert System To Warn Americans If They Are In Range Of NFL Players +New Health Insurance Law Lets Employers Refuse To Cover Contraceptives If They’re Morally Opposed To Women +History Will Be The True Judge Of My Tenure As Outback Steakhouse Shift Manager +Study: Fat Shaming Doesn’t Help Obese People Lose Weight +David Cameron To Scottish People: ‘I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave’ +Fantasy Team’s Performance Only Thing Man Holding Himself Accountable For +Urban Outfitters Apologizes For Red-Stained Kent State Sweatshirt +In Face Of Adversity, Heroic NFL Fans Continue Watching Football +Report: Laura’s Divorce Threatens Razor-Thin Democratic Majority In Family +Facebook Tests ‘Self-Destructing Posts’ Feature +Reclusive Deity Hasn’t Written A New Book In 2,000 Years +Man Not Himself Until He Has So Much Coffee He Feels Like He’s Going To Die +Majority Of Americans Back Obama’s ISIS Plan But Doubt It Will Work +Daily Spin Class Only Thing Keeping Mom From Driving Car Full Of Kids Into Ocean +NFL Week Two Winners And Losers +Woman Nervous Mom Starting To Use Her As Confidant +Night Of Uninterrupted Deep Sleep Really Throws Man’s Day Off +Report: Majority Of U.S. Adults Now Single +Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself +Elderly Rite Aid Patron Stretching Out Conversation About Toothpaste To Prolong Human Contact +Patients Making Record Number Of Telehealth ‘E-Visits’ With Doctors +Tips For Fixing The Nation’s Education System +Fantasy Football Week 2: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling ‘Revenge’ In Blood In Conference Room +Community Loses Interest 3 Days After Rallying To Save Local Theater +New ‘SheTaxi’ Cab Service Exclusively For Female Passengers, Drivers +Oscar Pistorius Found Not Guilty Of Murder +Goodell Assures Fans He Was Too Busy Dismissing Other Players’ Assaults To Watch Ray Rice Tape +The Pros And Cons Of Military Intervention Against ISIS +Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee +The Aftermath Of September 11 +Poll: 80% Of Americans Would Get In Vehicle With Stranger For Chance At New Life +Casino Reporting Steady Profits From Slot Machine That Promises Players They Will Lose +Person Standing Far Away From Burial Must Have Deep, Dark Secret About Deceased +Fox Sports Announces Plans To Mic Up NFL Players’ Tendons +Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups +‘Apple Pay’ To Let Users Tap Phones As Credit Cards +Frustrated ESPN Producer Demands New Camera Angle Of Ray Rice Punching Wife +Concert Security Drastically Overestimating Fans’ Desire To Get Close To Cheap Trick +Obama To Assure Nation That ISIS Campaign Will Be Drawn-Out Ordeal They’re Used To +Absentminded Nation Catches Itself Turning To Its Leaders Again +Nation’s Huggers Announce Plans For You To Get Over Here +McDonald’s Testing Customizable Burgers To Compete With Chipotle +The Pros And Cons Of A Long-Distance Relationship +Olive Garden's 7-Week ‘Never Ending Pasta Passes’ Sell Out In 45 Minutes +3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot +Features Of The New Apple Watch +Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement +NFL Announces New Zero-Tolerance Policy On Videotaped Domestic Violence +Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots +Study: Popular Diets Pretty Much Equally Effective For Losing Weight +Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee +Amateur Sleuth Identifies Jack The Ripper +Puzzled Nation Can Remember Name Ferguson, But Not Sure From Where +Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired +Man Excited To Give Visiting Friends The Real Fort Wayne Experience +America Cannot Continue To Function As The World’s Stripper Police +NFL Week One Winners And Losers +Every One Of Man’s Priorities Unrecognizable To Grandfather +Study: Action Movies Make People Eat More +Russian Mating Geckos Didn’t Survive Trip To Space +Chase Executives Fondly Recall Financial Company’s Hip-Hop Roots +NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training +Scientists Announce Ambitious Project To Map Layer Of Garbage On Ocean Floor +Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind +Man Simultaneously Excited For, Dreading NFL Taking Up His Entire Sunday For Next Four Months +iPhone 6 Fans Paying Line Holders To Wait Outside Stores +2014 NFL Players To Watch +Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder +Job Applicant Totally Nails Interview With Person Who Will Make Life A Living Hell For Next 5 Years +Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits +I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man +Family Dinners Can Counteract Effects Of Cyberbullying +‘Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing +College Football Player First In Family To Meet NCAA Academic Eligibility Requirements +Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy +Nude Celebrity Photo Leak Sparks Controversy Over Who’s To Blame +Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs +Death Row Guard Has Always Had Soft Spot For The Innocent Ones +Woman Not Going To Let Husband Of 60 Years Drag Her Into Death At Same Time +New Biodiversity Program Busses In Species From Outside Ecosystems +First Day Of School Photos A Chance To See How Much Cousin’s Kids Are Chunking Out This Year +Mayor Hits On Crazy Idea Of Developing City’s Waterfront, Green Spaces +Study: Married Couples Who Smoke Marijuana Have Fewer Fights +RGIII Refusing To Let Realistic Assessment Of His Play Get To Him +New Study Finds Link Between Breastfeeding, Always Knowing What’s Right For Everyone +Report: This Just The 30th Wake-Up Call Woman Needed +Dogs Get Separation Anxiety When Kids Leave For School +Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror +Report: 80% Of All Traffic Accidents Caused By Drivers Gawking At Shirtless Hunks +Fourth-Graders Differ Over How Much Allergic Classmate’s Face Swelled Up +Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter +Alabama Boosters Under Fire After Paying For Nick Saban’s Sex Change +Fantasy Football Week 9: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Family Dinner Successfully Covers Topics Of Movies And TV +New Dating Website My420Mate.com Matches Pot-Smoking Couples +Study: Men With 20 Or More Sexual Partners At Lower Risk Of Prostate Cancer +Groom Admits Bride Could Have Looked A Bit More Radiant On Wedding Day +Sportswriter Has Hunch Team Will Use Bye Week To Get Healthy +Thrill-Seeking Man Wonders How Long He Can Keep Up Dangerous Sedentary Lifestyle +McDonald’s Unveils New Slogan: Lovin’ Beats Hatin’ +Well-Meaning Mouse Wouldn’t Really Call Self A ‘Pest,’ Per Se +2-Year-Old Never Thought He Would Live To See Giants Win World Series +Street Harasser Haunted By Woman Who Got Away With Dignity Intact +Traumatized Nation Terrified To Make Its Voice Heard In Another Election +Pope Francis: Evolution Is Not Inconsistent With God +Bears GM Hoping To Motivate Jay Cutler With More Guaranteed Money +Delicate Little Man Kept Awake All Night By Having Coffee After Four O’Clock +Restaurant Patrons Rapidly Losing Faith Parents Going To Do Something About 4-Year-Old +Antidepressant Can’t Believe It’s Expected To Fix This Mess All On Its Own +Anti-Vaxxer Group: Staple Vaccine Warnings To Halloween Candy +Man’s Heart Stops As Speaker Asks Audience To Turn To Person Next To Them +LeBron James Relieved To Finish Filming NBA Season +Rite Aid, CVS Block Apple Pay In Stores +Report: 79% Of World’s Attics Remain Unexplored +The Cost Of Raising A Child +I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men +Town Selling Police Badges For $1,200 +Pathetic, Washed-Up Rock Star On Fifth Decade Of Doing Exactly What He Always Wanted +Job Applicant Blows Away Interviewer With Intimate Knowledge Of Company’s ‘About Us’ Page +Man Reminisces About Innocent Comforts Of Previous Video Game Level +Jon Gruden Shares Weird Childhood Story About Spying On Naked Brother +NY Governor: Ebola Quarantines Can Be Served At Home +Penn State Honors Legendary 2012 Legal Team During Halftime +Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed +NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers +4 Angels Banished From Heaven For Attempting To Unionize +Camel Cigarette Maker Bans Smoking In Offices +45-Year-Old To Help Candidate Understand Youth Vote +Report: Cost Of Raising Neglected Children Still Low As Ever +Crowd Outside White House Hoping To Catch Glimpse Of President Naked +TLC Producer Wants List Of 100 Fucked-Up Families On Desk By End Of Day +Tips For Throwing The Perfect Halloween Party +Parents Upset After Elementary Schools Cancel Halloween +NYC Officials Assure Public Most Puddles Of Bodily Fluid On Streets Not Contaminated With Ebola +Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour +Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Dogs Catch White House Fence Jumper +Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends’ Funerals +Local Man Almost Finished Collecting Fantasy Football Winnings From 2005 +Get clarity on what the future holds so you can go back to worrying about costume ideas. +Report: UNC Inflated Grades, Created Fake Classes For Over 3,100 Students +Tinder Offering Premium Paid Service To Help Users Find Better Matches +What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive? +Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats +Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise +Jets Amazed By Percy Harvin’s Willingness To Fight In Huddle +Report: Advertisers Threatening To Pull Money Now The Only Remaining Way To Effect Any Change +Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun +Sleeping Airline Passenger Misses Out On Aisle-Wide Bacchanalia Of Peanuts, Decaf Coffee +New National Park Caters To Business Travelers +New Hobby To Tide Retired Man Over Until Death +Report: Average Consumer Puts Blind Faith In 87 Corporations Per Day +Toys ‘R’ Us Pulls ‘Breaking Bad’ Action Figures From Shelves +Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware +Area Man Released After Being Wrongfully Employed For 9 Years +Curt Schilling’s Family Urges Him To Finally See Doctor About Bleeding Ankle +New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler +Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last +Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions +Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine +Facebook To Test Jet-Sized Wi-Fi Drones By 2015 +Midterm Candidates Distancing Selves From United States +Tips For Finding The Right Doctor +Bud Selig Awoken From Cryosleep In Time For World Series +Led Zeppelin Accused Of Plagiarizing ‘Stairway To Heaven’ +Astronomers Celebrate 300th Anniversary Of Discovering Sky +New Election Ruling Allows Candidates To Remain Completely Anonymous Throughout Campaign +Funeral Home Offering Drive-Thru Open Casket Lane +Your Ignorance Of Classic Horror Leaves You Woefully Unqualified To Run This Haunted House +Flu Clinic Selling 2009 Version Of Vaccine For A Few Bucks Cheaper +Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO +Media Stumped On How To Handle Missing Mixed-Race Woman +Man Coasting Through Life Entirely On Benefit Of Doubt +Pope Francis: ‘God Is Not Afraid Of New Things’ +NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers +Nurse Being Treated For Ebola Impressed With Health Workers’ New Gear +Man Now Too Exhausted To Repress Both Anger And Sadness +Monsanto Harvest-Resistant Corn Now Engulfing Most Of Midwest +After Careful Thought, Teen Applies To College Where Family Donated Building +Tracking Ebola In The U.S. +Company Turns Loved Ones’ Remains Into Memorial Diamonds +Report: Nation’s Concept Of Breakfast Rapidly Deteriorating +CBS Follows HBO With Stand-Alone Subscription Service +Study: Marriages Between Perfectly Matched Couples Should Still Only Last About 15 Years +Fantasy Football Week 7: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Populist Candidate Gaining Support Among Underrepresented Corporations +Jimmy John’s Requiring Sandwich Makers To Sign Non-Compete Clause +New Carpet Cleaner Safe For Pets That Were Meant To Go On Living +Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life +Hazmat Worker Sees No Reason To Throw Away All This Perfectly Good Food +Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying +Now you can see into your future. And it’s pretty darn scary. +‘Disaster Domain Dealer’ Selling Ebola.com For $150,000 +TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder +Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport +Entire Conversation With Parents Spent Changing The Subject +Susan G. Komen Foundation Launches Deep Space Probe To Bring Breast Cancer Awareness To Rest Of Galaxy +Nation Struggling To Remember Why It Was Ever Mad At Roger Goodell +Responsible Man Sets Aside Small Portion Of Every Paycheck For Bank To Gamble With +Uber Receives ‘F’ Grade From Better Business Bureau +Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents +Hero Of The Common Man Talks To Plumber For Entire Time He’s In House +Doctors Document First Case Of Google Glass Addiction +Bitter Concession Speeches The Only Things Americans Looking Forward To In Upcoming Midterms +Report: More Americans Saving Money For Child’s Unemployment +How Colleges Are Luring Top Students +Facebook Offers To Freeze Female Employees’ Newborn Children +Jerry Jones Vows Cowboys Stadium Will Be Most Spectacular Ebola Quarantine Center Ever +High School Football Coach Unsure How To Tap Into Aggression Of Hormonal Adolescent Teenagers +Lifelong Dream No Match For First Brush With Adversity +Man Realizes He Only One Of College Friends Falling Out Of Touch +Flight Attendants Sue FAA To Reinstate Cell Phone Ban +Study: NFL Referees May Be Biased Toward Disciplined Teams +Nation Demands More Slow-Motion Footage Of Syrup Cascading Onto Pancakes +Facebook, Apple Paying For Female Employees To Freeze Eggs +Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway +White House Removes Emojis From Millennials Report +There Were Just 2 Ways Out Of My Neighborhood: Basketball Or Anything Else You Wanted To Do With Your Life +Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures +Researchers: Quality Of Sleep May Be Affected By Abandoning Family In 1994 +Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed +Last People Left At Party A Ragtag Assembly Of Friends Of Friends +Cities Around Nation Celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day +Voters Excited To Use Midterms To Put Country Back On Different Wrong Track +North Korean Populace Already Mentally Preparing For Whatever Insane Bullshit They’ll Have To Do For Kim Jong-Un Funeral +NFL Week Six Winners And Losers +Genetics Emphatically Deny Playing Any Part In Area Man’s Body +Group Of Friends Chanting ‘Shots’ Make Compelling Point +Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues +Life Expectancy In U.S. Hits Record High +Chipper Coworker Must Have Eaten Breakfast Like Some Big Shot +Malala Yousafzai Becomes Youngest-Ever Nobel Peace Prize Winner +Pandering Nobel Peace Prize Committee Honors Global Harmony Again +Kim Jong-Un’s Absence Leaves North Korean Government Officials No One To Agree With +Fantasy Football Week 6: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Ambitious New High-Speed Rail Plan Will Fly Americans To Japan To Use Their Trains +Coworkers Each Putting In Herculean Effort To Sustain Conversation For Entire Commute +Report: More NFL Stadiums Cutting Off Fights After Third Quarter +Killer Whales Able To Emulate Dolphin ‘Speech’ +Keynote Speaker Enlightens Entire Generation With Theme That World Is Changing +Paul Feig To Make All-Female ‘Ghostbusters’ +Where Is Kim Jong-Un? +Pastor Always Knew Agnostic Would Come Crawling Back To Church For Wedding +Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave +Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool +Congress Waiting Until After Midterms To Address Nationwide Plague Of Hornets +Fan Vows To Donate Brain Subjected To Hundreds Of Titans Games +Man Takes Parents On Tour Of City Where He Came To Escape Them +What You Need To Know About Ebola +Area Man Self-Conscious About All The Wrong Things +Kickstarter Fundraisers Debut $150 Computer +J.K. Rowling Not Writing New 'Harry Potter' Book +Decision To Circle Parking Lot Produces Carbon Emission That Finally Does It +Area Man Patiently Waiting For Humiliating Email To Cycle Off First Page +Valiant Florida Gators Fan Not Rushing To Judge Quarterback Accused Of Sexual Assault +Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever +Man Wishes There Wasn't So Much Blank Room On Anniversary Card +Please, Make Yourself At Home While I Silently Count Down The Seconds Until You Leave +Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At +Study: Teens Sexting Before Engaging In Sexual Activity +Nation Flattered Brand Would Go To The Trouble Of Selling Them A Hand-Crafted Product +iPhone 6 Prototype Removed From eBay +Michael Phelps Banned From Having Any Contact With Water For 6 Months +Report: 43% Of Party Invitations Unprovoked +Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For A Sucker Punch To The Gut +Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year +Nation’s Cuckolded Husbands Gear Up For First Day Of Hunting Season With Wives’ Lovers +People Eat Less Healthy With Overweight Dining Companions +Ben Affleck Criticizes Bill Maher’s ‘Racist’ Views On Islam +Man Only Has Himself To Blame For What’s In Targeted Banner Ad +CDC Attempts To Put Ebola Outbreak In Perspective By Releasing List Of Worse Ways To Die +Single Nurse Can’t Help But Notice Man Isolated For Ebola Not Wearing A Ring +NFL Week Five Winners And Losers +Family Avoiding Eye Contact With Dad After Steelers Fumble +Parents With More Vacation Time, Financial Resources Want To Know When Son Will Come Home For A Visit +Juror Way Too Far Into Trial To Ask What 'Contusions' Are Now +New Disney Animated Wedding Cake Projects Cartoons Onto Icing +Reminders Of Party’s Costume Theme Becoming Increasingly More Threatening +Serial Killer Makes Impassioned Case For Protecting Local Marsh +Archaeologists Discover Dracula’s Dungeon +Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What +Man Uses Weekend To Make Totally Different Mistakes Than He Did During Workweek +Fantasy Football Week 5: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +NFL Floats Idea Of 18-Game Week +Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin +New ‘Twilight’ Films To Be Released Exclusively On Facebook +Archaeologists Discover Cave Where Ancient Humans First Had To Pretend To Like Friend’s Art +Viagra Ads Aimed At Women For First Time +Workaholic Dad Misses Only One Or Two Accomplishments In Unimpressive Child’s Life +Area Dad Just Wants To Watch One 7-Hour Block Of Television Without Interruption +How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola +Fantasy League Commissioner’s Main Responsibility Is Coaxing Jake Into Giving A Shit +Seventh-Grader Receiving More One-On-One Bullying Since Transferring To Private School +Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice +Students Thankful Standardized Curriculum Sparing Them From Free-Spirited Teacher’s Antics +Man Worried Antidepressants Will Leave Trace Of Original Personality +WWF: World Lost Half Its Wildlife Over Last 40 Years +Entirety Of Beat Poetry Audience Just Faking Knowing What’s Happening +Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing +U.S. Assures Hong Kong That Their Protest Just One Of Many Issues White House Staying Silent On +Tetris Movie In The Works +Man Having A Great Time Will Soon Have To Apologize To Everyone +ISIS Having Difficulty Finding American Recruits Physically Fit For Jihad +ESPN Gives On-Air Personalities List Of 6 Pre-Approved Opinions +Nation Longs For One More Day With Dying Manufacturing Sector +Louisiana Restaurant Offering 10% Discount To Diners Carrying Guns +Cancer Researchers Develop Highly Promising New Pink Consumer Item +Black Friday 2014: Best Deals & Bargains +NYC Restaurant Offering $35,000 Thanksgiving Dinner +Younger Cousin’s Growth Spurt Throws Off Competitive Balance At Family’s Thanksgiving Touch Football Game +Thanksgiving Affords Nation Rare Opportunity To Eat Large Amounts Of Food While Watching Football +Man At Airport Pissed That Other People Had Same Idea To Go Home For Thanksgiving +Everyone In Family Compliments Grandmother On How Small And Feeble She’s Gotten +Budweiser Retiring Clydesdale Ads In Grab For Millennials +Ferguson Prosecutor: Cable News ‘Most Significant Challenge Encountered’ In Investigation +Ferguson Decision Reaffirms Right Of Police To Use Deadly Force When They Feel Sufficiently Inclined +Nation Doesn’t Know If It Can Take Another Bullshit Speech About Healing +Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips +Report: U.S. Students Lead World In Knowledge Of Common Household Items That Will Give You Buzz +Town Considers Replacing Ugly Christmas Tree After Public Outcry +Jason Garrett Insists He Can Trace Coaching Tree Back To Mayflower +Report: Majority Of Americans Know Which YouTube Clip They’ll Post Following Dustin Hoffman’s Death +Woman Launches Into 4-Minute Self-Deprecating Preamble Before Speaking Mind +Nestlé Developing ‘Exercise In A Bottle’ +Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room +Heavy Police Presence In Ferguson To Ensure Residents Adequately Provoked +NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers +Aspiring Politician Hopes Government Leaves Some Women’s Rights For Him To Gut One Day +Ferguson Pool Supply Store Overestimating How Badly Looters Want Chlorine Tablets +New Contraception Law Would Require Teenagers To Consult With 3 Different Peers Before Selecting Birth Control Method +Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence +Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy +Study: Women In Power More Prone To Depression +Time Traveler From 2008 Freaked Out By Guy Wearing Google Glass While Smoking E-Cigarette +It Becoming More And More Clear That Browns Fan Came To Sports Bar Alone +Major Networks Opt Out Of Airing Obama Immigration Speech +Rookie Teammate Worried Ndamukong Suh Taking Him Under Wing +Fantasy Football Week 12: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Report: More Elderly People Now Dying Surrounded By Coworkers +How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work +Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer +‘Normal Barbie’ Updated To Include Scars, Acne, Cellulite +Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material +Gay Man Unaware He Focus Of Thousands Of Prayers +5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred +NBC, Netflix Cancel Bill Cosby’s Return To TV Amid Rape Allegations +Doctors Reveal Derrick Rose Injuries Leading To Incredible New Advancements In Orthopedic Surgery +Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations +Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves +Makeshift Opinion Thrown Together From Viewpoint Currently Dominating Conversation +Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House +Study: Kids Throwing Away Healthier School Lunches +A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies +Area Theater Has Strict Rule Against Bringing In Outside Movies +Senate Rejects Pipeline Plan That Would Have Created Thousands Of Climate Activist Jobs +Man Just Wants One Trip To Laundromat Where He Doesn’t Meet Perfect Woman +Charles Manson To Marry 26-Year-Old Visitor-Girlfriend, ‘Star’ +Study: Beginning Email With Short, Disingenuous Inquiry Into Personal Life Best Way To Network +Man Going To Trust Society’s Determination That He Deserves His Privilege +U-Haul Offers Discount For Customers Who Will Just Move Back Home In 18 Months After Failure To Make It In Major City +Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant +Mellowing Jihadist Not As Enraged By Western Culture As He Used To Be +Smartphone App Prevents Drunk Users From Posting On Social Media +Man Scolded By Brother-In-Law For Not Taking Better Advantage Of Open Bar +Oxford Names ‘Vape’ Word Of The Year +Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping +Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff +McDonald’s Won’t Use GMO ‘Innate’ Potatoes +Man, If I Only Knew Back In High School What I Still Have No Clue About +EPA Unveils Plan To Add 500 Million Squirts Of Lemon To U.S. Water Supply +Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial +Facebook Reportedly Building LinkedIn-Style ‘Facebook At Work’ +Pacific Ocean Quarantined After Contact With Carnival Cruise Ship +Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted +NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers +Lester Holt Fills In For Brian Williams During Family’s Nightly Dinner +New History Channel Program Explores What Would Have Happened If History Channel Never Existed +Son Never Showed Such Dedication Until Starting Football Hazing +Study: Playing Action Video Games Can Make Children Better Learners +Report: 98% Of NFL Team Leaders Need To Step Up +Mall To Fine Shops $200 Per Hour For Being Closed On Thanksgiving +Band Dreams Of One Day Becoming Popular Enough To Alienate Early Fans +Man Sort Of Curious What His Last Straw Is Going To Be +High School Sweethearts To One Day Tell Grandchildren How They Met During Lockdown +School District Strikes All Religious Holidays From Calendar After Muslims Request Inclusion +Fantasy Football Week 11: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Chinese Citizens Gather In Beijing Square To Watch U.S. National Debt Clock Strike $18 Trillion +New Law To Forgive Student Debt For College Graduates Once All Their Dreams Shattered +Calvin Klein Criticized After Hiring Size-10 Model For Plus-Size Line +All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased +Married Couple Frustrated After Months Of Unsuccessfully Trying To Sell A Baby +Man Tentatively Takes Shot At Bad-Mouthing Girlfriend’s Family For First Time +NFL Opens Counseling Center To Help Bears Fans Cope With Devastating Blowouts +Family Has Strict No Smartphone Rule While Eating Dinner In Front Of TV +Woman Comforting Friend Just Going To Throw Compliments Against Wall And See What Sticks +10th-Grade Prodigy Studying Mathematics At 10th-Grade Level +Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror +White Supremacist Founds New KKK Chapter Open To Black, Gay People +Job Perks And Benefits That Companies Offer Employees +God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct +Congress Passes Bill To Add Armed Patrol To U.S. Poverty Line +Walmart Turning Black Friday Into 5-Day Event +China Vows To Begin Aggressively Falsifying Air Pollution Numbers +Man Trying To Enter Conversation Spends Few Minutes Smiling And Nodding At Edge Of Circle +Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill +Report: Friend’s Dad Knows Someone With Season Tickets +Nicki Minaj Apologizes For Nazi-Inspired Music Video +Obamacare Architect: Law Passed Because Of ‘Stupidity Of The American Voter’ +Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back +Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’ +Young Child Still Developing Antibodies To Mountain Dew +Pepsi Testing ‘Dewitos,’ Doritos-Flavored Mountain Dew +No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them +Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year +Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Friend Between Meals +Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work +Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses +Authorities Break Into Man's House To Find Dozens Of Neglected Fantasy Teams +Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man +Modest ISIS Leader Credits Promotion Entirely To Drone Strikes +Custom Fireplace Store Totally Jumps Gentrification Gun +Study: Laundry Detergent Pods Pose Risk To Children +NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers +Facebook To Fight Ebola With News Feed Donation Drive +More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum +Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees +Fantasy Football Week 10: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Pet Adoption Tips +Baby Hippo Born To Mother On Birth Control +CNN Holds Morning Meeting To Decide What Viewers Should Panic About For Rest Of Day +Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves +Report: 45% Of All Randomly Paired Freshman Roommates Now At Breaking Point +Navy Forms Elite New SEAL Team To Write Best-Selling Tell-All Books +Family Revels In Height Difference Between Mother And Tall Son +Police Department To Post Pictures Of Prostitutes, Johns On Facebook As Last Stand Against Illegal Sex Work +Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption +The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs +Injury That Will Cause Excruciating Pain For Rest Of Life Thankfully Not Season-Ending +Ira Glass Exhausted From Doing Every Single Voice On ‘This American Life’ +Baskin-Robbins To Honor Veterans With ‘First Class Camouflage’ Ice Cream +Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall +McConnell Promises To ‘Restore Hope, Confidence, And Optimism’ In Senate Takeover +Morbidly Curious Nation Wondering How Far Obama’s Appearance Will Deteriorate In 2 Years +New Employee Has Never Known Decadent Pleasures Of Old Office +Farmers’ Almanac Predicting Short Season For Primetime Dramas +Man Tinkering With Anecdote Set List Before Next Date +Ovulation Calendar Just The Ticket For Rekindling Couple’s Lagging Sex Life +Vacationing Secretary Of Homeland Security Asks Neighbor To Keep Eye On Nation Over Weekend +Clothing Company Releases Gender-Neutral Underwear +Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home +Philadelphia-Area Sports Psychologist Already Clearing Schedule For Mark Sanchez +ESPN Curious If You Have Ever Considered Playing Fantasy Football +Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate +Voter Interest At Record Low For Midterm Elections +Congressman To Attempt Living Off Military’s Budget For One Month +NFL Releases New Study On Long-Term Damage Of Concussion Research +The Onion’s Guide To Voting +Whenever I Feel Sad, I Just Go Down To The Wreck Of The Titanic +Dating Website Ordered To Pay $600,000 For Creating Fake Profiles +Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium +Family Impressed By Extra Effort Father Putting In To Hide Drinking +Laid-Back Company Allows Employees To Work From Home After 6 P.M. +First-Time Voter Will Always Remember Day He Cast Ballot For Nick Barborak +Victoria’s Secret Under Fire For ‘Perfect Body’ Campaign +NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers +Museum’s Audio Guide Informs Visitors How Much More They Getting Out Of Experience Than Others +Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State +Man On Gurney Has Brief Word With Protagonist Before Entering Ambulance +Study: Women With More Children Are More Productive At Work +Majestic Pine Recruited For Yosemite By National Park Headhunters +U.S. Retakes Top Spot In Annual ‘Party Country’ Rankings +Uncle Put More Thought Than Usual Into This Year’s Gift Cards +First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible +Men Whose Beautiful Wives Died On Christmas 10 Years Ago Announce Plans To Drink Whiskey Alone In Dark Apartment +BREAKING: Everyone At Bar Cooler Than Area Man +Seasonal Depression Kicks In Just In Time To Numb Woman Before Holiday With Family +Study: Majority Of Frontal Lobe Occupied By Thoughts Of Sausage Links +Family Knows Better Than To Fall For Mom’s Little Bullshit Speech About No Presents This Year +Avoiding Family Conflict During The Holiday Season +Uninsured Man Hoping For Gift Card To Local Hospital For Christmas +Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly +How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics +Athlete’s Heartwarming Story Fucking Sucks +I Don’t See Race; I Only See Grayish-Brown, Vaguely Humanoid Shapes +Fantasy Football Week 15: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler +Convicted Sex Offender Wins $3 Million Florida Lottery +Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks +The Onion’s Person Of The Year 2014 +Columbia Law School Allowing Students Distressed Over Garner, Brown To Delay Exams +New Rules In The NFL’s Updated Personal Conduct Policy +Report: CIA Paid Psychologists $81 Million For Ineffective Torture Techniques +Report: Jets Players Lied About Concussion Symptoms To Get Out Of Games +Rising Income Inequality Causing Wealthy Americans To Take On Second Sailboat +New Amazon ‘Make An Offer’ Feature Allows Shoppers To Haggle Over Price +Teen Sick Of Mother Barging Into Room With Clean, Folded Clothes +Returning Parents Can Tell Son Had Huge House Fire Over Weekend +Report: 80% Of Queen’s ‘Greatest Hits’ CDs Lodged In Center Console Of First Car +Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President +General Mills Reviving French Toast Crunch +Lakers Confident They Just Need Another Once-In-A-Generation Player To Get Back On Track +Man Always Wanted To Raise Family In Kind Of Place Where White People Greet Each Other On The Street +Revelations Of The Declassified CIA Torture Report +Critics Worried New CIA Report Puts U.S. At Considerable Risk Of Transparency +Heiress Delays Plane Over Dissatisfaction With Peanuts +Michael Jordan Fans Commemorate Anniversary Of Remarkable ‘Flu Hanes Commercial’ +U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Draws ‘Group Of Death’ For World Cup +Minority Student’s Perspective Better Be Pretty Goddamn Diverse If He Wants Full Scholarship +Hippocratic Oath Updated To Include Vow Of Loyalty To Blue Cross Blue Shield +Jon Gruden Impressed By Every Blade Of Grass On Football Field +World’s Oldest Woman Just Pleased Every Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead +Man Somehow Thinks He Doesn’t Have Enough Alone Time +NFL Week 14 Winners And Losers +Royal Couple To Spend $36.21 Queen Elizabeth Had Left Over From 2010 U.S. Visit +Furry Convention Attacked By Chlorine Powder Bomb +Nation’s Gay Straw Men March On Washington For Right To Marry Animals +Phone Call With Dad Just Watered-Down Version Of Phone Call With Mom +CDC: This Year’s Flu Vaccine Might Not Work +Fantasy Football Star Confident He Can Make Leap To General Manager Of NFL Team +No One At CBS Remembers Hiring O.J. Simpson As Color Commentator +Wife Kept Up All Night By Kevin Garnett Talking Trash In Sleep +Fantasy Football Week 14: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em +KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal +Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures +Man’s Family Rises To Record-High Fourth Priority +High School Band Teacher Spends 85% Of Rehearsal Hammering In Dress Code For Holiday Concert +Women Growing Out, Dyeing Armpit Hair In New Trend +How Grand Juries Reach A Decision +James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film’s Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire +Chokehold Ruling Puts Police Body Camera Plan In Doubt +Overworked Prosecutor Thinking Of Taking Police Brutality Case As A Little Vacation +Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight +Police Officer Demonstrates Proper Technique For Subduing Grand Jury +Barry Sanders Figures It His Turn To Pull Stint As Mentor For One Of League’s Fuckups +Study: Humans Have Been Drinking Alcohol For 10 Million Years +World Leaders Gather To Discuss How Fucking Amazing Running A Country Is +Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker +Obama Calls For Turret-Mounted Video Cameras On All Police Tanks +Study: Majority Of College Students Don’t Graduate On Time +Cosby Lawyer Asks Why Accusers Didn’t Come Forward To Be Smeared By Legal Team Years Ago +12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament +Ray Rice Hoping 3.1 Yards Per Carry Last Season Won’t Deter Teams From Signing Him +Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Husband Can Eat While She’s Passed Away +Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months +Michigan Fans Thankful Program No Longer Relevant Enough To Be Humiliated On National Stage +Report: More Than Half Of Babies Sleeping In Unsafe Places +Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion +Pizza Hut ‘Subconscious’ Menu Aims To Read Diners’ Minds, Guess Toppings +New Express Transplant List Offers Patients Kidney Or First Available Organ +Father-In-Law Think Tank Issues Comprehensive One-Sentence Solution To Immigration, Unemployment, Crime Problems +Scientists Developing Marijuana Breathalyzer To Catch Stoned Drivers +There’s No Use Worrying Over Things The Parasitic Alien Lifeforms Living Inside Us Can’t Control +CIA Admits Role In 1985 Coup To Oust David Lee Roth +Report: More Americans Setting Aside Money In Case Of PR Emergency +Area Man Locked In Protracted Battle With Sweatshirt Neckhole +Credit Card Safety Tips +Millions Of Holiday Travelers Return From Parents’ Homes All Caught Up On ‘The Mentalist’ +Girl Scouts To Sell Cookies Online +NFL Week 13 Winners And Losers +Consumer Entering That Awkward Age Between Target Demographics +Empty ‘About Us’ Page Leaves Chinese Buffet’s Origins Shrouded In Mystery +The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China +Gabby Giffords Tells Congress To Act On Gun Control +'Entourage' Fans Doubt Film Adaptation Can Capture Nuances Of Book +God Freaks Self Out By Lying Awake Contemplating Own Immortality +Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher +Creepy One-Word Text Message From Mom Could Mean Anything +Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man +Jet Age Fixer-Upper +Man Brings Visiting Parents Into Office To Meet Coworkers Who Can't Stand Him +Minnesota Lynx World's Richest WNBA Team With Value Of $4 +Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year +North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon +U.S. Economy Unexpectedly Shrank Last Quarter +AR-15 Assault Rifle Beginning To Worry It May Never Get To Kill Innocent Person +I Shouldn't Be Alive, But I Am, And Now I'm On TV +Please +Parents Finally Tell 2-Year-Old About 9/11 +Bo Obama Receives Visiting Dognitaries From Furuguay +Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo? +Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy +Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him +I'm Going To Make A Great Mom Someday +'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200 +Apple Announces Plans For New iPad With Extra Storage Drawer +Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades +Ray LaHood Resigns Following Mysterious Disappearance Of Country Road +The Deck Boys +Ask A Boyfriend Who Just Might Dig Himself Out Of Trouble If He Plays This Perfectly +Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object +Iran Claims It Launched Monkey Into Space +Pregnant Jessica Simpson Pulls Out Fetus For Photo Op +New Twitter Video Service Rife With User Porn +1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed +Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank +When Will These Senseless Gun Debates Come To An End? +Players Rest Up For Grueling Week Of Super Bowl Hype +Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl +Women's Increasing Role In Combat +J.J. Abrams To Direct New 'Star Wars' Movie +Despite Lessons Of Cautionary Film 'Multiplicity,' Geneticists Determined To Clone Michael Keaton +Peter King Works Terrible Stay At Courtyard Marriott Into Every Component Of Super Bowl Preview +ESPN Showing Home Footage Of Young Harbaugh Brothers Coaching Together In Backyard +Brady Quinn Frantically Trying To Confirm His Online Girlfriend Not A Hoax +North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon +8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event +Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars' +Friday, February 1 +Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary +McDonald’s To Offer New Fish McBites +2013 Puppy Bowl Teams To Be Coached By Two Dogs From Same Litter +Executive Creative Too +Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer +The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service +'I Was One Of Several People Duped,' Manti Te'o Tells Scarecrow Dressed As Katie Couric +Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers +Nation's Movie Theaters Bracing For 'Hansel And Gretel' Being Perhaps The Biggest Hit Of All Time +North Korea Claims New Long Range Missile Has Ability To Fly Right Up In The Air, Not Unlike A Bird Or A Fly +U.S. Military Lauded For Creating Gender-Neutral Killing Field +Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire +Monday, January 28 +Nepal Issues IDs With 'Third Gender' Option +Pentagon Allows Women To Serve On Front Lines +When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years +Copy Of 'The Scarlet Letter' Can't Believe The Notes High Schooler Writing In Margins +Hillary Clinton Testifies On Benghazi Attack +And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow +Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else’s Grains, Cereals Per Day +22-Year-Old Gets Job At Website +Sunday, January 27 +Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of January 23, 2013 +Radiation Blast May Have Hit Earth In Middle Ages +Prince Harry: 'I Killed Taliban-Looking People' +Hungover Michelle Obama Packs Leftover Inaugural Ball Hors D'oeuvres Into Sasha’s Lunch Box +Obama Calls For Climate Change Action +Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season +Falcons Starting To See Why No One Believed In Them +62-Year-Old With Gun Only One Standing Between Nation And Full-Scale Government Takeover +We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats +Report: Mom's Work Friend Has No One +NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA +TSA Removing Nude Body Scanners From Airports +List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code +Atari Files For Bankruptcy +Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency +Obama Begins Inauguration Festivities With Ceremonial Drone Flyover +Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In +Highlights Of President Obama's Inauguration +Return Of NHL Season Reignites Exciting Sidney Crosby Vs. Cranial Fluid Buildup Rivalry +Casual Drink With Acquaintance Actually First Move In Elaborate Chess Game To Get Hired At United.com +Man Who Willingly Rented 'Wrath Of The Titans' Feels His Intelligence Has Been Insulted +Obama Inaugurated +Jack Harbaugh Admits He's Pulling For Tom Brady To Win Fourth Super Bowl +NFC Championship Game (Falcons vs. 49ers) +AFC Championship Game (Patriots vs. Ravens) +Bowling! +Mothers Of NFL Players Concerned About Binge Drinking At Bottom Of Pile +Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts +In Stunning Change Of Character, Bill Belichick Adopts Half-Dozen Dogs From Humane Society +Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea +I Just Want To Apologize To Manti Te'o For What I Put Him Through +Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point +Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death +FAA Grounds Problem-Prone Boeing Dreamliners +Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper +Depressed Nation Really Did Not Think It Would Take Them This Long To Get Over Death Of Jack Klugman +Obama Pushing Broad Gun Control Measures +Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work +Gary Kubiak Congratulates Houston Texans On Yet Another Houston Texans Season +On The Fake Dead Girlfriend Of Notre Dame Star Manti Te’o +College Freshman’s Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August +Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists +Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial +Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family +I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me +Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather' +Facebook Introduces New Search Feature +Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity +Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire +Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court +Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife +Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Killed By Undiagnosed PTSD +Lance Armstrong Admits To Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs To Show Remorse +Silvio Berlusconi Swears Dancer Was Of Legal Age When He Paid Her For Sex Using State Money +SPONSORED: The Taliban Is A Vibrant And Thriving Political Movement +New York Passes Gun Control Bill +Golden Tate Claims He Caught Final Hail Mary In Falcons Game +Land Land +Python Hunting Contest Opens In Everglades +Woman Who Admits To Having Watched Golden Globes Thinks Jodie Foster Embarrassed Herself +Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady +Really Hip 90-Year-Old Figures He Has Every Right To Torrent Glenn Miller's 'In The Mood' +'Argo' Wins Best Picture At Golden Globes +Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season +I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer +Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis +Diet Soda Linked To Depression +Noogies Around The World +Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital +Report: 96% Of Nation's Smut Consumed By Filthiest 1% +Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again +Packers vs. Niners +Ravens-Broncos Matchup Rekindles Smoldering Resentment From Baltimore-Denver War Of 1877 +Denzel Washington +Area Woman Decides Not To Post Facebook Status That Would Have Tipped Gun Control Debate +Worst Flu Season In A Decade +NRA Sends Complimentary Bereavement Gun Baskets To Families Of Shooting Victims +Applebee's To Offer Divorced-Father-And-Child Specials Every Other Weekend +Mythbusters +Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In ‘Cosmopolitan’ Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory +'Lincoln' Leads With 12 Oscar Nominations +Joe Flacco Already Preparing Apology To Ray Lewis For Disappointing End To Career +Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack +White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns +Overweight 6-Year-Old Vows To Change Lifestyle After Second Heart Attack +Bradley Cooper Racks Up Staggering One Oscar Nominations +Ben Affleck Nominated For Best Friend Of Matt Damon +Air Force One Pilot Invites Excited Obama Into Cockpit +Kent Sulak +New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show +Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market +AIG Nearly Blows All The Goodwill Built Up By Wall Street In Recent Years +2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully +2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S. +Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point +Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain +Parents Television Council Comedy Hour +Elliott Tapparo +Milky Way May Contain 17 Billion Earth-Size Planets +Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes +David Bowie Releases First New Music In 10 Years +RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee +Israel Vows To Use Veto Power If Chuck Hagel Confirmed As U.S. Secretary Of Defense +On Alabama Winning Its Third BCS Championship In Four Years +Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son’s Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That +31-Year-Old Now The Only One Of His Friends Who Hasn't Gotten Married, Divorced +NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities +The View +Frustrated Wayne LaPierre Thought Murder Of 20 Children By Crazed Gunman Would Have Blown Over By Now +Man Returns To Work After Vacation With Fresh, Reenergized Hatred For Job +'Downton Abbey' Returns To U.S. TV +Army Commander Depressed After Reading Facebook Comments On Latest Raid +4 Copy Editors Killed In Ongoing AP Style, Chicago Manual Gang Violence +Ornithologist Forced To Participate In History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds?' Program +Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events +Walgreens Manager Certain Dead Father Would Have Been Proud Of Crest Toothpaste Display +Pet Dog Almost Like Disgusting Family Member +Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day +Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud +Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites +Partially Faded Hand Stamp Undermining Everything Prosecutor Says +Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family +Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed +Pope Benedict Stops By Prayer Writers' Room To Say Goodbye +Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever +IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef +Nostalgic Warden Has Seen 3 Generations Of Family Come Through Prison +Anonymous Source Informs Bob Woodward He Hasn't Been Relevant In 40 Years +Danica Patrick Flooded With Fan Mail From Nation's Inspired Little Girl +Community Mourns Death Of Beloved Drunk Driver +Arianna Huffington Unveils New 'Huffington Man' Aggregated From 84 Different Humans +The Thrill Of Constantly Collapsing Gets Me Off +Rob Todd +Benedict XVI's Last Day As Pope +Insatiable Water Droplet Barrels Down Windowpane Consuming Everything In Its Path +Sonny Bono Foundation Prevents At-Risk Youths From Skiing Into Trees +Report: Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, Science +Top Republicans, Corporations Call For Gay Marriage +Iran Promises To End Nuclear Program In Exchange For Detailed Diagram Of Atomic Bomb +Inspirational English Teacher Canceled Out By Every Other Teacher At School +Obama, Congress Must Reach Deal On Budget By March 1, And Then April 1, And Then April 20, And Then April 28, And Then May 1 +Retiring Pope Vows To Continue Drawing 'Papalpuss' Comic Strip +Horse Meat Found In Ikea Meatballs +Report: Most Couples Met On Set Of 'Daredevil' +Culinary World Stunned As Horse Meat Found At 3-Star Michelin Restaurant The Horse & Pony +U.S. Begins Nuclear Talks With Iran +Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans +Humiliated Team Of Cuban Doctors Forced To Continue Treating Long-Dead Fidel Castro +Manti Te'o Scrapes Together $5,000 For Combine Fee +$85 Billion In Budget Cuts Set To Begin Friday +U.K. Cardinal Resigns In Wake Of—Get This—Sex Abuse Allegations +'Les Misérables' Takes Home Oscar For Most Sound +Highlights Of Benedict XVI's Papacy +Michelle Obama Presents Oscar To 'Argo' +Teachers' Job Satisfaction Lowest In 25 Years +While I'm Glad I Won, I Personally Believe Abraham Lincoln Deserved To Die +Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award +240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage +Unsuspecting Movie Stars Follow Fake Red Carpet Into Back Of Kidnappers’ Van +Derek Jeter Shatters Ankle In 148 Places After Attempting To Take Field +Jerry Buss Surprisingly Leaves Entire Estate To Former Laker Luke Walton +Are You Holding A Spoon Or A Fork? +Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Display For 35th Anniversary Edition +Megan Fox To Star In 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' +Funeral Held For Door Shot 4 Times By Oscar Pistorius +Bob Dylan Lays Off 2,000 Workers From Songwriting Factory +Pistorius Case Takes Dramatic Turn As Altered Plane Of Reality Results In Paralympian Shooting John Lennon +Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders +Great Moments In NFL Combine History +Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women +The 2013 Best Picture Nominees +Man Demands No Black Nurses Touch Newborn +The Biggest Loser +Third Of Fish Sold In U.S. Mislabeled As Different Species +Cardinals Host Going-Away Party At Pope's Favorite Vatican City Dive Bar +Orange Cone Impresses Scouts At NFL Combine +Area Man Panics After Accidentally ‘Liking’ 381 Of His Ex-Girlfriend’s Facebook Photos +Rotting Smell In Congress Traced To Decaying Senator Who Died Inside Wall +Sources: Hackers Vandalized Drudge Report For Last 15 Years +Burglar Hiding In Pistorius' Bathroom Figures Now Probably His Best Chance To Escape +Saddam Hussein Complaining To Other Angels About All The Jews In Heaven +Lawyer Urged By Mother To Include Younger Brother In Murder Trial +Paul McCartney To Headline Bonnaroo +Embarrassed Sony CEO Announces New Video Game System +Disappointed LeBron James Endures Long Ride Home On All-Star Team Bus +The Execution Of Mentally Retarded Individuals Such As Myself Runs Against Our Society's Most Fundamental Moral Principles +Supervisor Encourages Interns To Take On More Responsibilities Of 3 Full-Time Staff Members +Testosterone, Needles Possibly Found At Pistorius' Home +'Depot Buys Max,' Nation's Office-Supply-Loving Teens Text Frantically To One Another +World Doesn't Even Know Who To Admire Anymore After Tom Hanks Murders 5 +Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws +Blake Griffin Heartbroken After Catching Chris Paul Throwing Lobs To Lamar Odom +Film Character Moves Into Beautiful Brooklyn Brownstone After Getting Dream Publishing Job +Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain +Waukegan LASIK +$50 Million Worth Of Diamonds Stolen In Average Day In Brussels +Ailing Hugo Chavez Makes Surprise Return +Kate Middleton Shows Off Baby Bump +The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend +Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom +I Slapped A Crying Child And Called Him A Nigger And I’m The Bad Guy? +Vacationing Detective Just Going To Pretend Like He Didn't Even See Dead Body In The Woods +Seagull With Diarrhea Barely Makes It To Crowded Beach In Time +Iceland May Ban Online Pornography +Preaching To The Choir With Rachel Maddow +Vin Diesel Will Finally Kiss Car In 'Fast & Furious 6' +Google To Open Retail Stores +Chris Brown's Agent Suggests Suicide Could Be Great Career Move +Oscar Pistorius Swears Bloody Cricket Bat From Different Murder +Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder +Officemates Unwittingly Spend Entire Workday Talking To Each Other On Grindr +Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies +Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots +Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life +Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasn't Completely Alienated Yet +'Art Imitates Life Imitates Art,' Remarks Man Trapped In Art Museum +Gerald Green Incorporates Christopher Marlowe's 'Doctor Faustus' Into Slam Dunk +Don Seaton and Wanda Allen +Russian Meteorite Strike Injures Over 1,000 +Bus Transporting Carnival Cruise Passengers Crashes Into Sewage Treatment Plant +More Than 1,000 Russians Injured In Freaking Coolest Event Ever +Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo +Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside +Michael Vick Not Sure He's Got Another 4-12 Season In Him +Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth +Alaskan Gray Wolf Can't Believe No One Told Him He’s Got Snow On Nose +Disabled, Sewage-Laden Cruise Ship Returns To Port +Los Angeles On High Alert As LAPD Back On Regular Duty +Man Didn’t Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling +Report: World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational +American Airlines, US Airways Merge To Form World's Largest Inconvenience +Kobe Bryant Holds Kobe-Bryant-Only Meeting To Discuss Lakers +Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova' +Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter +Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day +Coroner: Woman Died From Drinking Too Much Coke +UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner +Mountain Dew Introduces 'Kickstart' Breakfast Drink +Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year +Shit-Caked, Urine-Soaked Man Determined To Enjoy Carnival Cruise +66-Year-Old 'Washington Post' Reporter Hopes He Liveblogged State Of The Union Right +Taylor Swift Mourns Death Of Boyfriend Christopher Dorner +Website Humiliating Itself +Rich White People Get Latino Guy To Do Some Work For Them +New Atlanta Braves Logo Features Gruesome Depiction Of Trail Of Tears +Weary Americans Land Ship On Bright, Promising Shores Of China +Unpopular Kid Having Trouble Fitting In At Home +Obama Delivers State Of The Union +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of February 13, 2013 +Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight +Area Man Relieved To Hear State Of Union Still Strong +Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency +State Of The Union Preceded By Memoriam Reel Of Americans Lost In Past Year +North Korea Conducts Nuclear Test +It Sure Has Been A While Since 'The Tonight Show' Did A Judge Ito Joke +World Surrenders To North Korea +‘The State Of The Union Is Strong,’ Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth +New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils +LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval +Obama's State Of The Union Address +Expansive Obama State Of The Union Speech To Touch On Patent Law, Entomology, The Films Of Robert Altman +Alan Culver and Brenda Hayworth +Pope Accepts Senior Analyst Position At Catholic Think Tank +Horse Meat Found In European 'Beef' Lasagna, Hamburgers +Pope Benedict XVI To Resign +'Walking Dead' Writers Regret Naming Every Single Character 'Rick' +Mumford And Sons Take Home Coveted 'Vest Of The Year' Grammy +Resigning Pope No Longer Has Strength To Lead Church Backward +Coworkers Brought To Place Of Unthinkable Intimacy By Team-Building Exercise +Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound +X Games To Reconsider Hurtling Men 40 Feet Into Air Atop 500-Pound Machines +Southern Food Causes Strokes? +Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys +All 32 NFL Teams Eagerly Lining Up For Chance To Sign Randy Moss, Reports Randy Moss +Singers Told Not To Bare Breasts, Buttocks At Grammys +Congressional High Priest Concocts Farm Subsidy Bill In Legislative Cauldron +Report: Authorities Recommend The Film ‘You've Got Mail’ For Those Snowed In Today +Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves +Sweating Obama Admits Drone Strikes Have Been Happening On Their Own +Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training For Delousing +Edwin Baines +Monopoly To Replace Iron Game Piece With Cat +Target Demographic Growing Up Right Before Wistful Advertiser's Eyes +It Wouldn't Surprise You If This Headline Was About 318 People Being Shot In 12 Different Public Places +Northeast Braces For Historic Blizzard +American Citizens Split On DOJ Memo Authorizing Government To Kill Them +US Postal Service To End Saturday Mail Delivery +Photojournalist Spends Month In Oval Office Blind To Capture Images Of Obama In Natural Habitat +Hungover Energy Secretary Wakes Up Next To Solar Panel +Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals +North Korean Propaganda Video Shows Bombed U.S. City +Boy Scouts To Try Out Single Gay 12-Year-Old Before Making Decision +Post Office Ending Saturday Mail Delivery +Obama Blanks On What He's Ineffectually Urging Congress To Take Action On Now +Postal Service: 'And Wait Until You Cocksuckers See What We Do With Wednesdays' +PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama +Queen Elizabeth II To Wed Longtime Partner Following Passage Of Gay Marriage Bill +Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility +Lindsay Morgan +Ellen Van Handel +Staff Of New Thai Restaurant Desperately Hoping Area Couple Will Try Eating There Sometime +Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies +Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology +Beyoncé, Destiny's Child Album Sales Surge After Super Bowl +Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser +Look, I'm Just Going To Say It: I Collect Antique Nazi Memorabilia +Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life’s Weird Like That Sometimes +Goodell: 'I'd Definitely Let My Son Ruin Football' +5-Year-Old Alabama Boy Misses Fun 'Bunker Grandpa' +Baltimore Looking For Safer City To Host Super Bowl Parade +Photo Of Obama Shooting Gun Stirs Controversy +Company Posts Job Listing As If Position Not Already Filled By Existing Employee's Friend +Bones Of King Richard III Found Beneath Parking Lot +Ex-Sniper Shot Dead After Surviving Years In Harrowing United States +'Well, That Was Cool,' Say Archaeologists Before Dumping Bones Of King Richard III Back Into Hole +'Hägar The Horrible' Cartoonist Expected More For 40th Anniversary +China Chokes Under Toxic Smog +Ravens Win Best Team At 2013 Super Bowl Awards +Young Americans Fueling Nation’s Yogurt Craze +PETA Protests Use Of Animatronic Animals In Commercials +Phil Simms Spends Super Bowl Broadcast Talking Up New Orleans Sex Trade +Ray Lewis Crying Over Embarrassing Spectacle He's Become +Super Bowl Party Host Screams At Guests For Lackluster First-Half Snacking +Harbaugh Boys Miss Super Bowl While Attempting To Solve Mystery Of Smugglers Cove +Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View +Terrible Artist Thinks Latest Piece Really Represents A Culmination Of Everything He’s Been Working Toward All His Life +Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was +China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal' +Couple Going At It Like Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabbits +Hillary Clinton Opens Chili's Franchise Just Outside Of Washington, D.C. +Anquan Boldin +Joe Flacco +Ed Reed +Ray Lewis +John Harbaugh +Aldon Smith +Patrick Willis +Michael Crabtree +Colin Kaepernick +Jim Harbaugh +Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII +Smitten Man Can’t Believe Woman He’s On Date With Also Into The Beatles +Nation Happily Reassured That ExxonMobil Made Profits Of $44.9 Billion In 2012 +Jonathan Franzen Rushes Over To Guy On Subway Reading 'The Corrections' To Introduce Himself +Super Bowl Blood Test Reveals Jim, John Harbaugh Have Different Fathers +Hillary Clinton's Last Day As Secretary Of State +Injured Andrew Bynum Starting To Wonder If He’ll Ever Waste His Talent Again +Mark +Vernon Wells Unsure How He'll Fit In With Aging, Overpaid Yankees +'Shot Clock, Game Clock Off By About 3 Seconds,' Reports Clark Kellogg For 86th Time During Timeout +Ayman Al-Zawahiri Delivers TEDTalk On Changing Face Of Terrorism +Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway +Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job +Paramount Hoping Overseas Market Will Be Dumb Enough To Embrace Latest Piece Of Shit +Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy +Best MLB Stadiums +Court Awards $8K To Man Stuck On Disneyland Ride +Pistorius Allowed To Leave Country, Compete In Races +The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage +Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces +Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up +Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks +Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages +Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit +Only By Working Together Can We All Cover For My Absolute Lack Of Ability +On The Miami Heat's Win Streak Ending After 27 Games +Jeff Fitzgerald Sr. +North Dakota Enacts Nation’s Strictest Abortion Law +Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage +Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade +Justin Bieber Accused Of Assaulting Neighbor +Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted +Report: It Pretty Incredible That Americans Entrusted With Driving Cars +Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster +Supreme Court Justices Brought To Tears By Heartfelt Testimony Of Bigot Who Hates Gay People +Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening +Judith Norris +Soda Consumption Falls To Lowest Level Since 1996 +Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage: 'I'm Not A Monster' +I Feel Very Strongly About The Issue Of Same Sex Marriage Because I Have A Gay Son +NIT's Exclusive Eight Vie For Coveted Spots In Last Four +Italian Court To Retry Amanda Knox For Murder +Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview +Fulgencio Puts A Ring On It! +Wikipedia Users Surprised Nobody's Made Page For John Lennon Yet +Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve +Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares' +Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie +Supreme Court Hears Landmark Gay Marriage Cases +Hi, In The Past 2 Years, You Have Allowed Me To Kill 70,000 People +Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom +Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance +Man Cautiously Avoids Barnes & Noble Section Where Teens Check Out Graphic Novels +Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees +North Korea’s War Preparations +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 25, 2013 +Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun +CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic +Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket +Area Lady's Gentleman Caller Under Employ Of Jiffy Lube +Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians +Universe Older, Wider Than Previously Thought +Thrilling Duke-Albany Game Ends With Last-Second Buzzer +Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto +Old Refrigerator Unable To Control When It Releases Water Anymore +Ian McKellen Officiating Patrick Stewart’s Wedding +Palestinians, Israelis Come Together To Mock Obama's Hopelessly Naive Speech +YouTube Reaches 1 Trillion Racist Comments +Epic Saga Of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers +Militants Fire Rockets Into Israel During Obama Visit +Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Announce They're Just Ordinary Couple Into Depraved Sexual Acts +Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend +Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda +2013 NCAA Teams To Watch +Amputee Inspires Others Not To Lose Limbs +Prophetic Basketball Analyst Predicts There Will Be Upsets During NCAA Tournament +House From ‘Home Improvement’ +'The Amazing Spider-Man' Turns 50 +Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel +The Time For Watered-Down And Effectively Meaningless Gun Laws Is Now +Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System +Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student +Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel +Democrats Give Up On Assault Weapons Ban +'This Is A Pointless Trip,' Obama Says While Shaking Hands With Netanyahu +Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion +Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket +Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life +Splash +Place +Bloomberg Rule Would Hide Cigarettes From Sight +'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports +'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript +10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion +Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers +Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him +FDA Relaxes Definition Of Smoothie +GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities +Punxsutawney Phil Beheaded For Inaccurate Prediction On Annual Groundhog Slaughtering Day +Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom +Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit +Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter +Packers Fan Blog Just Might Be Area Man’s Ticket Out Of Here +Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors +Earliest Birds Had Four Wings +Saturday, March 23 +Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers +Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training +Dad Returns From Business Trip With Exotic Gifts From Idaho +Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net +GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out +Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War +Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard +2013 Spring Training Highlights +Attorney Friends Catch Up While Briskly Walking Down Courthouse Steps +'Veronica Mars' Film Sets Kickstarter Fundraising Record +America’s Meatiest Forearms +I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration +Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé +14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget +Amazing Dance Prodigy Hopes New Ballet Will Inspire Her Dad To Notice Her For Once +Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons +First Latin American Pope Chosen +Next Episode Of 'Girls' To Feature Lena Dunham Shitting Herself During Gyno Exam While Eating A Burrito +Saturday, March 23 +Opposition To Soda Ban Sad Proof That Americans Still Fight For What They Believe In +Who Is Pope Francis? +Pope Insanity MXLV Selected +Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose +Impressive WBC Showing Gives Orlando Yntema Leverage At UVV Utrecht Contract Negotiations +Sometimes I Wonder What Life Would Be Like If I Hadn’t Turned Down ‘Star Wars’ And Thrown Natalie Wood Off That Boat +Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago +Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend +CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat +Tuesday, March 19 +The Bible +Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW +Judge Blocks New York City’s Soda Ban +Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine +Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic +No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown +How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope +450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture +Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican +Singing Dancing Boy Upset +‘It’s Like Biggie And Tupac All Over Again,’ Says Dumbass Of Korean Conflict +Word ‘Innovate’ Said 650,000 Times At SXSW So Far +2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water +SXSW As Cool And As Real As It Gets, Reports Marketing Associate +Iowa Fashion Week Begins +Company Lacks Manpower To Complete Newest Round Of Layoffs +Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic +Stephen A. Smith's Dismissive Attitude Toward Hockey Gets People To Like Hockey +Basketball Coach Sees Something In 7’3” High School Sophomore +Albany Bucket Museum +God Worried He Fucked Up His Children +Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert +‘You’re My Best Friend,’ Says Obama To Drone That Appears Outside Bedroom Window Every Night +Let's Talk About How Fast I Can Run +Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester +FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’ +Onion Sports' Guide To The 2013 NCAA Bubble Teams +TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes +Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat +TSA To Allow Small Terrorists On Planes +Rand Paul Filibusters For 13 Hours To Protest Drones +Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4 +Photo Of Masked Gunman Released +Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman +Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant +Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall +Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract +New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements +Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High +Wait, Why Can't We Eat Other People Again? +New Social Media Startup Launches, Shuts Down Within 45 Minutes +Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’ +Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm +231 CIA Agents Killed In Overt Ops Mission +Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat +Grandma's House +Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies +U.N. Aid Workers Distributing Food To Malnourished KFC Customers +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 6, 2013 +Appearance Of Dennis Rodman Most Normal Thing To Happen In North Korea +Poll: 99% Of Human Beings Would Prefer Big, Slobbery Hound Dog Pope +Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa +Area Man Unsure If He’s Supposed To Want Hugo Chavez To Die Or Not +Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay +Obnoxious Friend Won't Stop Attaining Major Life Milestones +Sharks At Risk Of Extinction From Overfishing +Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About +Boyfriend Forced To Express Secondhand Outrage +Baby Cured Of HIV +Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression +Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Titles +Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet +Josh Lemberg +Sacramento Kings Perfectly Execute Throw-Ball-Out-Of-Bounds Play +New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, Or More Respected +Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me +Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting +Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong-Un 'Awesome Guy' +NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents +Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade +Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says +Millionaire To Send Married Couple To Mars +Sandra Day O'Connor Regrets ‘Bush V. Gore’ +'Help Has To Be On The Way Now,' Thinks Syrian Man Currently Being Gassed +Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office +Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now +Article About One World Trade Center Building Includes Paragraph Explaining 9/11 +'Loud, Desperate Need For Approval' Leads Tony Nominations +After Checking Your Bank Account, Remember To Log Out, Close The Web Browser, And Throw Your Computer Into The Ocean +New Study Finds Nothing That Will Actually Convince You To Change Your Lifestyle So Just Forget It +Chris Berman Loudly Weighs In On Jason Collins Story +1 World Trade Center To Become Tallest Building In West +Dolphins WR Mike Wallace Comes Out As Stupid Asshole +McDonald's May Offer Breakfast All Day +Gay Teen Still Going To Buy LeBron James Jersey +Jihadist Woman Wishes Her Sons Could Be More Like Those Tsarnaev Boys +Weekend Encounter With Coworker Never Acknowledged +Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning +Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus +'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech +At Moment Like This, Tebow Doesn’t Know Who To Turn To +Features Of George W. Bush Presidential Library +Average Teen Will Spend $1,139 On Prom +Astros TV Crew Already Out Of Things To Say About Team +Meet the Press +Yankees Warn Eduardo Nunez To Stop Showing Up Derek Jeter By Making Routine Plays At Shortstop +Mike D'Antoni Calls Phil Jackson To See If He's Interested In Lakers Head Coaching Job +10-Year-Old Wishes Unemployed Father Couldn’t Make It To Just One Of His Little League Games +3 Men Deported From Saudi Arabia For Being ‘Too Sexy’ +USDA Rolls Out New School Brunch Program For Wealthier School Districts +Athlete Arrested +Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door +Milwaukee Fans Urge Bucks To Stop Blocking View Of Miami Heat +Last Night's Live Coverage Of The 2013 NFL Draft +Vanilla Ice To Work With Amish In New TV Show +Realistic-Bodied Women +BREAKING: Andy Reid Trades First Overall Pick For Bite Of Bacon Double Cheeseburger +NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs +Bill Clinton Joins Twitter +Manti Te'o Informed He'll Go First Overall To Nebraska Pioneers +Westboro Baptist Church Not Really Sure Why They’re Picketing Allan Arbus' Funeral +Obama Orders Reinvasion Of Iraq After Illuminating Trip Through Bush Presidential Library +KurrencyKook.com Gives New $100 Bill Mixed Review +'I Want A Divorce,' Peter King's Wife Says Just Before He Tells Her About Best Defensive Backs In 2013 Draft +Report: Folks, Bette Midler Is Back On Broadway And Not A Minute Too Soon +Couple At Point Where They're Comfortable Using Toilet At Same Time +Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together +Onion Sports 2013 Mock NFL Draft +Nation Wonders How Ad Guys From Vitaminwater Do It +Study: Fame May Shorten Lifespan +Your Grandmother’s House +Bus Stop Near An Old Friend Of Kurt Cobain’s +Gwyneth Paltrow Named World’s Most Beautiful Woman +Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend +High School Students Line Up For School Oil Portrait Day +Man Says ‘Fuck It,’ Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M. +Area Man Now Checks Inside Boat In Driveway Every Morning +Romney Drops By To See How Down-And-Out Family He Met On Campaign Trail Doing +Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail +Kim Kiper Puts Husband's Mock Draft Up On Fridge +I've Been Having Some Pretty Fucked-Up Bread Thoughts Lately +Is That Even A Prank? +Stonehenge Seeking General Manager +Al-Qaeda Plot To Derail Train Thwarted By Canadians +I Guess When My Older Brother Said 'Let's Bomb The Boston Marathon,' I Should Have Said No +Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies +Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss +Report: Majority Of Americans Now Answering To Name 'Lardface' +Study: Wolf Attacks Still Leading Cause Of Death In U.S. +Wolf Blitzer Decks Boston Man Who Hasn’t Been Healed By Red Sox Baseball +Russia Launches 8 Gerbils, 15 Lizards, Fish Into Space +Gun Show Vendor Jokes With Insane Customer About How He Hopes He's Not Insane +There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop +Taylor Swift Now Dating Watertown Boat +Reese Witherspoon Arrested For Disorderly Conduct +Head Of NBC Suddenly Remembers He Meant To Cancel ‘Rock Center’ 8 Weeks Ago +Shocked Dzhokar Tsarnaev Always Thought Classmates Were Really Great Judges Of Character +iTunes Store Turns 10 +Nation Starting To Realize New Era Of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen +‘The Onion’ Guarantees All Who Watch New Amazon Series Shall Be Spared +New Girl +NASA Finds 2 Planets Ideal For Life +Rockets vs. Thunder +Lakers vs. Spurs +Man Purchasing Pair Of Red Pants Better Be Ready To Put Up Or Shut Up +Louis Charles +Rae Carruth Granted 1-Day Release To Film ‘This Is SportsCenter’ Commercial +Mario Chalmers Under Impression Heat Need Him To Step Up In Playoffs +Study: Majority Of Americans Not Informed Enough To Stereotype Chechens +Bradley Cooper Admits He Lives With His Mother +Family, Friends Really Looking Forward To Next 9 Months Of Being Around Kobe Bryant +BREAKING: We’re Doing A Bad Job +BREAKING: Do You Think We’re Doing A Good Job? +BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job +BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing? +BREAKING: Can Anyone Ever Truly Know Anything? What Is The Truth? +BREAKING: Has The Word ‘Breaking’ Lost All Its Meaning? +BREAKING: Still Nothing +BREAKING: No News Breaking +CNN Releases Photos Of 3 Obese Mexican Women Suspected In Boston Bombing +FBI: 'You Know You’re Desperate When You’re Asking The American People For Help' +Senate Blocks All Gun Control Measures +Wrigley Field Renovation Proposal Includes Tearing Down Clubhouse, Bleachers, Upper Deck, Lower Deck, Building New Stadium 10 Miles North +I Won +Jesus, This Week +Weeping Tim Cook Spotted Screaming For Help At Steve Jobs’ Tombstone +Yankees Disabled List Absolutely Stacked +TV Viewer Relates To Totally Unbelievable Character That Could Never Exist In Reality +Corrugated-Cardboard Lobby Once Again Rates All 535 Congressmen ‘Poor’ On Corrugated-Cardboard-Related Issues +Michael Carpenter +Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida +Internet Comes Up With 8.5 Million Leads On Potential Boston Bombing Suspect +Next Week's School Shooting Victims Thank Senate For Failing To Pass Gun Bill +Isabel Grove +Letters Containing Deadly Poison Sent To President, Senator +Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff +UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney +BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect +Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive +Boss Has Deft Touch For Making Employees Feel Like Shit +Suicide Note Surprisingly Upbeat +If I Could Live In Any Decade, It Would Definitely Be The 960s +Mike D'Antoni Excited To Finally Have Chance To Coach Lakers +Nonpartisan Review Concludes U.S. Engaged In Torture +Global Military Spending Declines +Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred By Some Tragedy +Buck Showalter Terrified To Walk Alone To Mound At Night +This Is A Tragedy—Does It Really Matter Exactly How Many People Died Or What Any Of The Details Are? +Justin Bieber Wishes Anne Frank Had Been ‘Belieber’ +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of April 16, 2013 +Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This +Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones +This What World Like Now +Justin Bieber Fan Jealous Of Anne Frank +The Onion’s Tips For Filing Your Taxes At The Last Minute +Movie Characters Happen To Pass Through Pamplona On The One Week Bulls Run +How Corporations Avoid Paying Taxes +All Blue Angels Air Shows Canceled In 2013 +'30 For 30' Documentary To Explore Historical Significance Of '30 For 30' Documentaries +Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues +Man Hacks Into Plane’s Flight Controls Using Phone App +New Jackie Robinson Movie Probably Has Scene Where People Yell Things And He’s Upset And Wants To Fight Back But Doesn’t +Peyton Manning Comes Out As Gay For Football +Local Man Knows He Moved To Minneapolis For Something, But Can't Remember What +Report: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's +Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time +Disgraced Congressman Weiner Weighing NYC Mayoral Run +Senate Agrees To Background Checks For Most Gun Buyers +Terrified 'Newsroom' Writers Nodding Heads At Every Bad Idea Aaron Sorkin Says +Local Band Expects Things To Take Off Following Glowing Write-Up In soundandfury.wordpress.com +Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It’s Fucking Paris +D Battery Elected To Philadelphia Sports Hall Of Fame +Toddler Junkie Immediately Hooked On Looking At Trains After First Exhilarating High +Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week +How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two +Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table +French President Receives New Camel After First Eaten +Stripper Thinks Customer Flirting With Her +NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth +Well, Doesn't Area Businessman Look Dapper For His Big Flight To Philadelphia +Uncle Strikes Out Hard With Book Gift +Leading Social Media Site HarvardConnection Now Valued At $400 Billion +Kevin Kolb: 'I've Always Dreamed Of Playing For The Bills Since I Was Released By The Cardinals And Had No Other Options' +New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms +There's No Way I'm Ever Molesting A Kid After What Happened To Jerry Sandusky +Website's New Layout Feels Like Deepest Betrayal +German Thieves Steal 5.5 Tons Of Nutella +VP Meyer Shocked To Hear About Chinese International Space Prison +Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke +WrestleMania 29 Marred By Inconsistent Officiating +Navy Develops Drone-Destroying Laser Cannon +Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus +JCPenney CEO's Severance Package Includes 34,000 Pea Coats +Kim Jong-Un Wonders If Nuclear Threats Distracting Him From Real Goal Of Starving Citizenry +I'm Weighing Whether Or Not I Want To Go Through The Hell Of Appealing To You Idiotic, Uninformed Oafs +China Announces Plans To Build International Space Prison +Deadly Strain Of Bird Flu Spreading In China +Airline Passenger Complaints Up Sharply +Man Not Certain What Any Of His Coworkers' Names Are +NATO Airstrike Destroys Key Taliban Day Care Center +Freezing, Coatless Woman Has Decided It Is Spring +Teen Boulder Can't Wait For Landslide To Roll It Into Ravine Where They Get It +Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters +Coworker With Fluorescent Bike Vest Treats Office To Futuristic Light Show On Way To Desk +More Women Moving In With Partners Before Marriage +'Mad Men' Premiere Features Group Of Actors Who Are Scared To Death Of Never Making Transition To Film +Andrea Lynch and Brett Kearns +Where Did I Leave My Phone? +Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms +Gay NFL Players Must Be Unknown Special Teams Guys, Says Homophobic Man +Majority Of Americans Now Support Legalizing Marijuana +Waters Tested As 12-Year-Old Says ‘Shit’ In Front Of Mom For First Time +Thousands Of Eggs Pushed Out Of Nests After Birds Legalize Abortion +Most Gruesome Sports Injuries +John Kerry Lost Somewhere In Gobi Desert +NFL Players Support Player Coming Out, Getting Absolutely Obliterated During Games +Obama To Return 5% Of Salary To Government +A Slideshow Of All Of Our Resumes +Roger Ebert Hails Human Existence As 'A Triumph' +Kim Jong-Un's Wife On Nuclear Threats: 'This Isn't The Man I Was Forced To Marry' +Jimmy Fallon Replacing Jay Leno On ‘Tonight Show’ +Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns +'Syrians' Lives Are Worthless,' Obama Tells Daughters Before Kissing Them Goodnight +Disney Finds Dozens Of Unauthorized Characters Appearing Illegally Inside Theme Park +Cowboys Award 6-Year, $108 Million Extension To Super Bowl–Watching Quarterback Tony Romo +Confusing Roadside Memorial Features Bicycle, Rotary Telephone, Jug Of Some Kind +Pixar Announces 'Finding Nemo' Sequel +Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter +Assisted Living Center Widower Has Eye On Cute, Hunched-Forward Little Number +Coarse Sponge Excited To Join The Smith Family Dishwashing Team +I Guess I'm The Only One Who Remembers The Time We Upset UConn +Spanish Princess Charged With Corruption +Unstable Man Plots To Bring Guns To Schools +Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior Of Rutgers Basketball Coach +Man Wishes Computer Could Do Thing It Already Can Do +History Licking Its Chops To Judge George W. Bush +Tim McCarver Delivers Incoherent, Unintelligible Retirement Announcement +Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer +Jake Fangol and Elizabeth Geder +1 In 9 U.S. Schoolchildren Diagnosed With ADHD +Don’t Get Too Excited +Politicians Arrested For Plot To Rig NYC Mayoral Election +Gather Round, Kids, And I'll Tell You The Story Of How Your Mother And I Fell Out Of Love +STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break +Mesmerized Kevin Ware Can't Stop Watching Video Of His Leg Breaking On YouTube +Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression +'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man +President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization +Yankee Players Boo When A-Rod Shown On Jumbotron +U.S. Ambassador To Cambodia Thinks Diplomatic Immunity Covers What He Just Did +Cardinal Says Catholic Church Should Welcome Gays +The Thousand-Year Curse +Exasperated James Holmes Requests Media Stop Calling Him ‘Alleged’ Colorado Shooter +Man Drives Car Into Wal-Mart, Assaults Shoppers +Raiders Confident Some Dipshit Team Will Be Stupid Enough To Trade For Carson Palmer +Heartbreaking Yelp Review Says It’s Just Nice To Eat A Meal Around Other People +‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 3 Opens With Every Character Getting Fingered While Discussing Arrival Of Winter +South Carolina Defends Right To Fly Hardee's Flag From State Capitol +Features Of Google Glass +'Game Of Thrones' Season 3 Premieres To Strong Ratings +13-Year-Old Wins National Spelling Bee On Word ‘Knaidel’ +Perhaps The Gimmick Of My Father And Me Starring In A Movie Is Actually More Annoying Than Appealing +Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic +‘CC Sabathia Is Hurting Team,’ Report Yankees Trapped Beneath Pitcher +Report: NHL Actually Has Had Hundreds Of Openly Gay Players For Years +Spelling Bee Champion Returns To School A Hero, He Imagines +If I Hold Out Another 2 Years, They’ll Give Me The Really Big Pension Bone +Royals’ Agent Books Team For High-Profile Gig In New York City +Michele Bachmann Figures Why Not, Introduces Homosexual-Beheading Bill +Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys +Larry King To Host Show On Russian TV +You Haven’t Seen ‘Frances Ha’ Until You’ve Seen It In IMAX +Man On Cusp Of Having Fun Suddenly Remembers Every Single One Of His Responsibilities +Features Of Motorola’s New Moto X Smartphone +Chinese Buy America’s Largest Pork Producer +Nation Gathers Around Area Man Trying To Parallel Park +Company Hosts Fun Night For Employees To Get Drunk And Complain +After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality +George W. Bush Having Trouble Finding Decent Cocaine Since Leaving White House +Football Coach Who Just Cursed Out 14-Year-Old Also Special Education Teacher +Sherpas May Add Ladder At Top Of Everest +We Made A Big Gamble On Americans Wanting To Sit Around And Mindlessly Watch TV For Hours Straight, But It Paid Off +Michele Bachmann Leaving Congress +Michele Bachmann Leaving Congress +New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe +Michele Bachmann: ‘God Wants Me To Earn 7 Figures For A Lobbying Firm’ +BuzzFeed Writer Resigns In Disgrace After Plagiarizing ‘10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models’ +Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird +Biggest Scandals Of The Obama Administration +Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer +Nation Excited To See Whatever Bile The Internet Spews Up Today +$200K Raised To Buy Video Of Toronto Mayor Smoking Crack +Ancient Egyptian Agriculture Revolved Around 3 Seasons And Was Heavily Dependent On Irrigation +Chinese Hackers Steal Top U.S. Weapons Designs +New Obesity Drug Delicious +Family Concerned After John McCain Wanders Into Syria +U.S. Disc Jockey General Urges Americans To Get The Led Out +Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles +Tecmo Bowl–Winning Bulldogs Visit White House +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 28, 2013 +Adrian Peterson’s Boyfriend Can Take A Hint +Last 12 Years A Real Wake-Up Call For Area Man +Dozens Wounded As Man Defends Box Of Wheat Thins From Invading Coworker Horde +Google Blimps To Bring Wi-Fi To Emerging Countries +Graphic Lesbian Film Wins Top Prize At Cannes +Sources: Greg Oden Looks Incredible In Video From 2007 +Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off +Report: Texting While Driving Okay If You Look Up Every Couple Seconds +‘Crazy’ Ants Swarm Across Southeastern U.S. +Timothy Hutton and Debra Winger +3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over +Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror +Tim Duncan Encourages Teammates To Be Fathers First, Basketball Players Second +Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim +Boy Scouts To Allow Gay Members, Ban Gay Leaders +Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing +U.S. Admits To Killing Americans In Drone Strikes +The Events Depicted In ‘Star Wars’ Actually Happened To Me +Restaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular Menu +Highlights From David Beckham’s Career +Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard +Man Eating McChicken Sandwich Can Tell McDonald's Switched Up Antibiotics +Dwight Howard Interested In Ruining Rockets +NASA Developing 3D Food Printer +Raymond Kinnard and Margie McGinnis +Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers +Photos Of Bin Laden's Body To Stay Secret +Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness +Brian Urlacher Retires With Plenty Of Injuries Left In The Tank +Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy +Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August +Calvin Johnson Says He Played 2012 Season With Broken Heart +Life’s Too Short To Get Hung Up On The Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding Your Wife’s Death +Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp +Childhood ADHD Linked To Obesity Later In Life +Peter Jacobs and Estelle Wilson +Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System +Apple Dodged Billions In Taxes +‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again +24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old +2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific +Americans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of Grief +Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain +American Consumers Happiest Since 2007 +Yahoo Buying Tumblr For $1.1 Billion +‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach +Justin Bieber Recovering In Intensive Care Unit After Being Badly Booed +Teacher Grading Papers Next To You On Plane Not Pulling Any Punches +Weird Guy From 2 Jobs Ago Still Liking Woman’s Photos On Facebook +90% Of Audience At College Graduation Involved In Heated Family Argument +Yahoo Back On Top After Purchasing Millions Of 13-Year-Old Girls’ Blogs +Electrically Stimulating Brain May Improve Math Skills +Expectant Mother Ashamed To Realize She’s Looking Forward To New Wheat Thins Flavor More Than Birth Of Own Child +Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party +Obama's Second Term Mired In Scandal +Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term +Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals +Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker +Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome +Cleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats +Call From Daycare Can't Be Good +Biggest Sports Collapses +Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To +Skill Difference Between Top, Bottom High School Tennis Seeds Hilarious +No I’m Not +Marijuana Smokers Skinnier +The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project +Venezuela Running Out Of Toilet Paper +David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter +Obama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals +Report: World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware +Report: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Left Really Nice Thank-You Note To Boat Owner +'One Week' +Remembering 'The Office' +Google Launches Subscription Music Service +Desperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter +House GOP Votes To Curb Obamacare For 37th Time +Bangladesh Factory Owners Vow To Change Nothing So That This Happens Again +Yankees Fans Turn On Mariano Rivera After Spat With Wildly Popular Joba Chamberlain +Cormac McCarthy Flaunts Sexy New Beach Body +Report: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype +Steven Spielberg Claims He Dislikes Black Actors To Get Out Of Cannes Jury Duty +25-Year-Old Woman's Biggest Dream Still Being Popular High School Student +Jesse Faws +Bitter Feud Developing Between Joakim Noah, Rest Of Humanity +SeaWorld To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride +Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional +Good Morning America Canada +Minnesota Legalizes Gay Marriage +Eliminated Canucks Excited To Spend Time With Ice Families +IRS Targeted Conservative Groups For Scrutiny +Victorious Tiger Woods: 'I Hit The Ball Well, My Life Is A Dark And Twisted Struggle, And I Made Some Good Putts' +Sasha Obama Suspicious After Doing A Little Digging Around On Benghazi +I'd Say My Least Favorite Part About Being A Restroom Attendant Is Spending 8 Hours A Day In A Room Where People Defecate +Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting +Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’ +Adidas Unveils New Running Shoe For Fleeing From Mass Shootings +Clean-Shaven, Tuxedoed James Holmes Charms Courtroom In Latest Appearance +This Has To Be Year Local Miniature Golf Course Finally Goes Out Of Business +Bridezillas +2 Meteorites Hit Connecticut +Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back +Doctors: Cancer Patients Who Watched The Onion’s Amazon Pilot Daily Showed Signs Of Remission +Barbara Walters Announces Retirement +Nation Checks Out CNN.com To See What Their Old Pals The Tsarnaevs And Castros Are Up To +Study Finds College Education Leaves Majority Of Graduates Unprepared To Carry Entire American Economic Recovery +Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again +Intact Benetton Shirt Miraculously Pulled From Bangladesh Rubble Weeks Later +Michelle Obama Shutters 'Let's Move!' Program After Failed 3-Year Run +High School Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Difficult Teacher Ages Out Of Education System +Man Straight-Up Demands To Know How Many Siblings Coworker Has +What Do My Neighbors Do At Night? +Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts +Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out +New to the market! +Jason Collins Just Might Be Frontcourt Presence Team Trying To Boost Media Coverage Needs +Jason Collins Might Be Just The Frontcourt Presence Team Trying To Boost Media Coverage Needs +Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk +Florida Restaurant Discontinues Lion-Meat Tacos +The 'Great Gatsby' Movie Was Nowhere Near As Good As The Book 'The Hit' By David Baldacci +Font Too Small +LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far +29-Year-Old Has Been Going To Different Friend's Wedding Every Weekend For Past 3 Years +Black Voting Rate Surpassed White Voting Rate In 2012 +'Forbes' Names Tim Tebow World’s Most Influential Former Athlete +FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst +Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This +78,000 Apply For One-Way Trip To Mars +LeBron James Unable To Enjoy MVP Knowing Boston Globe’s Gary Washburn Didn’t Vote For Him +Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner +Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy +Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock +Billions Of Cicadas Begin Swarming East Coast +Men Are The Best +Joakim Noah Guarantees He'll Annoy Living Fuck Out Of Heat +Uncooperative Seller! +SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair +Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws' +Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing +Woody Allen Extremely Busy Updating WoodyAllen.com +How Am I Supposed To Get Off When News Networks Only Show Obese People From The Neck Down? +EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe +Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires +Parents Urged To Suck Infants' Pacifiers To Prevent Allergies +Man Creates Functional Gun On 3D Printer +Chris Kluwe Pens Impassioned Editorial On Challenges Facing Cut NFL Punters +17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11 +Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death +Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone +Picking Thing Up From Apartment Floor Rescheduled For Thursday +Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future +Arab-American Actually Kind Of Enjoys Always Having 2 Bus Seats To Self +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 7, 2013 +PETA Attacks Chris Christie For Killing Spider +We Were Going To Take Over The ‘Onion’ Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads +James Holmes Elected New NRA President +Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years +Syrian Electronic Army Has A Little Fun Before Inevitable Upcoming Deaths At Hands Of Rebels +Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77 +50 Years Of James Bond +Suicide Rate Up Sharply Among Middle-Aged +Coworker Insists On Describing Entire Plot Of Old Spice Commercial +Tuesday, May 14 +No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted +Superstitious Baseball Player Always Steps Into Batter’s Box Before Swinging At Pitches +First Woman Added To FBI’s 'Most Wanted Terrorists' List +Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year +2013 NRA Convention Schedule Of Events +Cavaliers Impressed With Mike Brown’s Willingness To Coach Cavaliers +Magazine Runs Article About Louis C.K. +Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene +Guide To Tim Tebow's Future +First American Colonists Engaged In Cannibalism +Saturday, May 11 +Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip +Dad Busy Throwing Seeds Or Something On Lawn +New Zealand Bans Naming Babies ‘Christ,’ ‘Lucifer’ +Tim Tebow Just Sitting By Himself In Darkened Florida Gators Football Stadium +Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks +Teen Pregnancy Rate Prompting More High Schools To Eliminate ‘Fuck Your Brains Out’ Program +Heat Surprised It Took 4 Games To Beat Bucks +Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn't Been This Gross In Years +Woman Placed Poisoned Orange Juice In Starbucks +Obama Renews Calls To Close Guantánamo +Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave +SPONSORED: Today’s Ku Klux Klan: Back On Top And Ready For The Future +UMass Dartmouth Beginning To Regret Offering Course In Applied Domestic Terrorism +Michael Jordan Accidentally Leaves For Honeymoon With One Of His Mistresses +Applebee's Introduces New 50 Appetizers For $250 Special +Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project +A-Rod Warns Accusers It'll Be Their Word Against His +3 Climbers, 100 Sherpas Brawl On Mt. Everest +Saturday, May 11 +Magic Skateboard +Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill +Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails +Stanley Cup Shot 11 Times During Chicago Blackhawks Victory Parade +Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport +Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’ +Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy +Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S. +Ryan Tannehill Confident Dolphins Can Win A Wide-Ranging Number Of Games Next Season +Monica Lewinsky’s Clothes, Negligee Up For Auction +Grout Virgins +Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick +Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music +Texas Executes 500th Prisoner +‘I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,’ Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting +Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner +God Proud Of Cockroaches +Grandiose Delusion Of Own Self-Importance Only Thing Keeping CEO Alive, Doctors Say +Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft +Pool! +Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder +U.S. Home Prices Rise Sharply +College World Series: ‘Ping’ +Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day +Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution +Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple' +Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman +Supreme Court Repeals Defense Of Marriage Act +Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia +Gay Marriage Opponents Warn Supreme Court Ruling Could Put Nation On Slippery Slope To Rationality +Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress +McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes +Paula Deen Loses Ham Endorsement Deal +Space Wives +House With A Basketball Hoop That’s A Bit Lower Than 10 Feet +Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond +Obama Announces Major Climate Change Policy +Edward Snowden’s Current Options +Embarrassed George Lucas Still Just Telling New Wife He Works In Digital Media +George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression +Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary +City Of Miami Delighted By Impromptu Parade +Well, Time To Go Out In Front Of A Bunch Of People And Lie To Them +Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans +Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog +Twinkies Returning To Stores July 15 +Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador +Johnny Depp Now Physically Unable To Walk Unless Whimsically Teeter-Tottering Across Rolling Log, Wobbly Plank, Or Swaying Beam +The Case For And Against George Zimmerman +Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar +Impatient Nation Demands Supreme Court Just Get To The Gay Stuff +Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over +Ian McKellen: Live At The Apollo +Report: 80% Of Subway Track Repairmen Run Over Each Day +70% Of Americans Take Prescription Drugs +The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday +Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now +All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman +Report: It Not Worth Staying Past Fifth Inning Of 83% Of Baseball Games +Vatican County Fair Sets Record For World's Largest Communion Wafer +Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History +Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7 +Paula Deen Admits To Saying N-Word, Racist Jokes +Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes +Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory +Scientists Discover Mollusks Are Next Evolutionary Stage For Humans +Government Admits To Using Drones In U.S. +LeBron James Announces Retirement +World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’ +Study: 80% Of Waking Hours Spent Plotting Revenge +McDonald's Considering Franchising Restaurants After 70 Years Of Being Family Owned And Operated +Friday, July 5 +Man Calls Trust Fund Savings +Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease +U.S. To Hold Peace Talks With Taliban +Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight Of Syria +New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains +After One Realizes Methadone Clinic Nearby, Behavior Around City Block Makes Sense +ESPN Thinks It Can Just Casually Call Something 'Confed Cup' +Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger' +Fully Leveled-Up Video Game Character Marvels At How Far He's Come +Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken +Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly +U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator +Study: Media Biased In Support Of Gay Marriage +Wednesday, July 3 +Supreme Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law +Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence +Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing +Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day +NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To +Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals +Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again +Sources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman +Sometimes When Things Get Really Stressful, I Close My Eyes, Sit Back, And Pretend I’m Back In Kenya +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013 +Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction +Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter +‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard +New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program +Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery +Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros +Superman Turns 75 +'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office +More White Americans Dying Than Being Born +Happy Father's Day, Dad vs. Thank You, Disappointment +Dad Can’t Believe Lawn Didn’t Get Him Anything For Father’s Day +NSA: Surveillance Thwarted ‘Dozens’ Of Terrorist Acts +Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely +The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad +The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House +Loose-Knit Community Not Particularly Shattered By Teen’s Death +Man Who Plays Game For Millions Of Dollars Called Gutsy +If Cast And Crew Of Local Production Of ‘The Music Man’ Being Honest, ‘Marian The Librarian’ Number Needs Work +Greatest Moments In Stanley Cup Finals History +Longest-Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116 +Facebook Adds Hashtags +Office Exiles Menstruating HR Manager +The Government Has No Right To Pry Into What Goes On In The Privacy Of Your Home +Report: Waving Objects Behind Basket Has Only Resulted In 3 Missed Free Throws In NBA History +Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed +U.S. Census Announces Those People Will Be Majority By 2043 +Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet +Tiger Woods, Nike Deal Includes New Line Of Sex Toys And Apparel +Bloomberg Proposes NYC Climate Change Protection Plan +A Tent In The Backyard! +Family Kind Of Concerned At How Fast Dad Ate Father’s Day Gift +George W. Bush’s Approval Rating Highest In 8 Years +New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe +Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week +NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive +Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed +Michael Jordan Hires Patrick Ewing As Bobcats Assistant Coach To Watch Him Lose More +Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe +Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion +Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds +Weird Porno Stops At Kissing +Most Americans Okay With NSA Surveillance +San Francisco: The City By The Bay +Terrorist Living In U.S. Gets Why NSA Spying Such A Complicated Issue +Hillary Clinton Joins Twitter +Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden +GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino Criminals’ +Area Man Outraged His Private Information Being Collected By Someone Other Than Advertisers +Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird +Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing +Nothing Gets Me Wetter Than A Monotonous Domestic Routine +HBO Film Reveals Liberace Was Good Friends With Gay Men +Vladimir Putin Divorcing Wife +Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College +NSA Whistleblower Flees To Hong Kong +New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up +Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline +Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See 'After Earth' Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee +George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family +Report: Get Back To Fucking Work +Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster +Gary Bettman Wondering If He Really Has To Attend Every Game Of Stanley Cup Finals +Features Of Apple's New Streaming Music Service +'Archie' To Become Live-Action Film +Uncle vs. Uncle +Nancy Sullivan +U.S. Operating Massive Online Spying Program +Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together +Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk +Strange New Culture Forming On Other End Of Office +Three’s Company +John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone +Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races +NBA Finals +Government Collects Citizens’ Phone Records +Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship +30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money +Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue +Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day Pussy +Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To Public +Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles +Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One +Paul Houseman +Extinct Lizard Named After Jim Morrison +Oklahoma Tornado Was Largest In U.S. History +'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo +Nation Wondering What Telegenic, Eloquent Grant Hill Will Do For Money After Retirement +Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching +Man Invisible On Gchat Observes World From Impregnable Perch +Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets +Taylor Swift Enters Alternate Universe To Date Body-Building George Harrison +Whale Warts +Marriages That Begin Online More Satisfying +Oscillating Fan +Arena Security Prevents Erik Spoelstra From Celebrating With Miami Heat +Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests +Local Laundromat Employs Social Media Coordinator +If You Wish To Be A Writer, Have Sex With Someone Who Works In Publishing +Miami Heat Unable To Tell If Congratulations Are Sarcastic Or Not +Kate Middleton Feels Royal Baby Kicking During Queen’s Coronation Anniversary +Dollar Tree CEO Officially Unveils Long-Rumored Foil Baking Pan +Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves +Asian Guy Has Separate Group Of Just Asian Friends +SPONSORED: Red Lobster: Taking Up The Vanguard In The Fight Against Women In The Workplace +5 Rules To Survive Falling Skies +App Claims It Can 'Cure' Homosexuality In 60 Days +Put A Ving On It +Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens! +‘After Earth’ Bombs At Box Office +Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy +Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90 +New Liver Complains Of Difficulty Working With Lou Reed +Eric Holder Loads iPod With AP Phone Conversations For Morning Commute +12-Year-Old Camper Excited To Meet Girls Who Will Torture Her For Rest Of Summer +Chuck E. Cheese's Announces New Lower Prices, But The Restaurants Will Be Dirtier +Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns +4 In 10 U.S. Households Headed By Female Breadwinners +Netflix Gently Reminds 'Arrested Development' Fans That New Episodes Of The Show Won't Actually Solve World's Problems +Chris 'Birdman' Andersen +Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema +Is Bradley Manning A Hero Or A Traitor? +Bashar Al-Assad Introduces Syrian Bike-Sharing Program +Ben & Jerry’s–Inspired Porn Barred From Release +Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings +Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky +Open Dialogue Two Americans Having About Race Pretty Hilarious +Report: Alex Rodriguez Has Asked 4 In 5 Americans For Steroids +Drone Blimps To Protect Washington, D.C. +Albino Tracker +Publicist’s Single Dream In Life For Nation To Have Wes Bentley Fever +Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad +Border Patrol Finds Pot On Bieber Tour Bus +Politician Spots Young Female Aide, And So It Begins +Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store +Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself +Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits +Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Restart In D.C. +History Of The Catholic Church’s Views On Homosexuality +Pope Signals Acceptance Of Gay Priests +Zoologists: Ape Neurology Much Like That Of Banana-Obsessed Humans +Merger Of Advertising Giants Brings Together Largest Collection Of People With No Discernible Skills +Tech Is The Future, Reports Local Dad +Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26 +25 Years Of ‘The Rush Limbaugh Show’ +Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope’s Tolerant Remarks +Report: Only .00003% Of Things That Happen Actually Matter +Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage +Under the Dome +Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer +Bob Skylar and Elizabeth Honing +School Of The Arts Aims To Transform Boys And Girls Into Insufferable Young Men And Women +Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint +Baby Can Already Tell Crib He’s In Going To Be Recalled +Notable Sports Suspensions +Annual 6-Sentence Conversation With Cousin Goes Smoothly +Brilliant, Innovative CEO Just Wrote Words 'Social Media' On Whiteboard And Underlined It +You’re New Here, But You Should Know That I’m The Guy Whose Computer People Gather Around To Watch Funny Videos +Golden State Warriors Tore Up NBA Summer League, Reports Man Who Has Never Been So Alone +Jane Austen To Appear On British 10-Pound Bill +Congress Fiercely Divided Over Completely Blank Bill That Says And Does Nothing +Calling People Fat Spurs Weight Gain +Tony Romo Practicing For First Time Since Surgery To Remove Ovarian Cyst +Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year +Greg Oden Suppresses Severe Shooting Pain All Over Body During Meeting With Heat +Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting +Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It’s Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski’s In Love +Print Dead At 1,803 +Amanda Bynes Hospitalized After Setting Fire +Jason Noggoh +Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry +Anthony Weiner Continued Sexting After Resignation +Frustrated Novelist No Good At Describing Hands +Man At Salad Bar Has To Say Every Item Aloud As He Adds It To Salad +Weird-Looking Guy Somehow Manages To Look Normal In Facebook Profile Picture +Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium +Doctors Clear RGIII’s Knee For Light Tearing +Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage +Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By Name +Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris +Unambitious Loser With Happy, Fulfilling Life Still Lives In Hometown +Wildman Currently Raging Across Southern California +Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks +Brewers Worried Ryan Braun Suspension Might Put Season In Jeopardy +Everyone In Whitey Bulger Trial Found Dead In Woods Outside Dorchester +Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws +Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us' +Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow +Without Guns, How Am I Supposed To Defend Myself From My Family? +Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win +Nelson Mandela Evidently Thinks World’s Journalists Have Nothing Better To Do Than Wait Around Like Idiots +Area Dad Wants To Watch New Blu-Ray Of ‘Spring Breakers’ By Himself +Batman, Superman To Star In Film Together +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of July 23, 2013 +Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes +Royal Baby Speaks First Words +Royal Baby Eats First Meal +Royal Baby Already Crawling +Royal Baby Born +Nate Silver Warns Against Overestimating His Value To ESPN +Palace Of Biblical King David Found +Wrigley Field Jumbotron To Offer Cubs Fans Welcome Distraction +Generous Improv Troupe Performing For Free +Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic +Nintendo Entertainment System Turns 30 +Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah +Martha Sarahns +Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland +Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box +Report: Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland +Detroit Files For Bankruptcy +Nation Disturbed By Photos Of Bud Selig In ESPN’s Body Issue +Tiny Advisor Who Lived In Obama’s Ear Dead At 83 +Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013 +Pope To Reduce His Twitter Followers’ Time In Purgatory +Manny Ramirez Impresses Triple-A Teammates With Knowledge Of Shapes +CVS, 7-Eleven Ban ‘Rolling Stone’ Issue Featuring Tsarnaev +FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs +Netflix Receives 10 Emmy Nominations For Season 4 Of ‘Wings’ +Heat Wave Doesn’t Bother Local Contrarian +Pro Football Hall Of Fame Removes Aaron Hernandez’s Gun +Fox Books Files For Bankruptcy +Schedule For 2013 San Diego Comic-Con +Man Spends Entire Marketing Meeting Nodding +New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune +Donnie +Twin Pandas Born In Atlanta +4 NL Fans Killed In Brutal All-Star Game Riots +Tour De France Enters Stage Where Officials Begin Building PED Case Against Eventual Winner +Man Who Couldn’t Defeat George W. Bush Attempting To Resolve Israel-Palestine Conflict +Metta World Peace Signs 2-Year Deal With ‘New York Post’ +MIT Scientists Create Robot Capable Of Feeling Lust +Eric Cantor Pressuring Wife To Try New Political Position +Obese Boy Scouts Banned From National Jamboree +Kevin Maguire +Infant Child Left In Sweet Camaro +Top Mexican Drug Lord Captured +Best Buy Employee Going To Tell You What He Has At Home +George Zimmerman Wins Florida State Lottery +Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine +Just Once I’d Like To Make A Hotel Reservation Without Hearing About Someone’s Relative Surviving The Holocaust +Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline +Prince Fielder Dominates Home Run–Eating Contest +Man’s Idea For Tweet Just Pops Into His Mind Almost Fully Formed +Texas Passes Sweeping Abortion Restrictions +Nation Thankful That Shellie Dean Zimmerman Was Charged With Perjury At Least +Rallies Against Zimmerman Verdict Held Across U.S. +In Our Defense, These Were Some Pretty Fucked-Up Laws And We Were Ordered To Deliberate In Accordance With Them +Nation Throws Hands Up, Tells Black Teenagers To Do Their Best Out There +Zimmerman Found Not Guilty, Technically, But C’mon +CNN Holds Panel Discussion To Determine If There Race Problem In America +Great Career Comebacks +J.K. Rowling Revealed To Be Pseudonym For Newt Gingrich +Michelle Obama Finally Gets Around To Reading ‘Dreams From My Father’ +Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss +Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History +Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul +Insurance Company Gets Fucked Over By Another Cancer Patient +Defense: ‘George Zimmerman Is, You Know, He’s A Decent Enough Guy’ +Egyptians Concerned About Direction Government Is Toppling In +FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’ +Derrick Rose Wondering If He Should Start Rehabbing Knee Sometime This Summer +Judge: Apple Conspired To Drive Up E-Book Prices +MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage +Justin Bieber Apologizes To Clinton For Insults +Reasons For Obama’s Low Approval Rating +Terrified Johnny Depp Unable To Remove Tonto Makeup +Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite +Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office +U.S. Stock Market Soars After Bernanke’s Reassuring Comments About ‘Pacific Rim’ +George Zimmerman Offers To Just Plead Guilty And Pay Fine Or Whatever +DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs +Mexico Surpasses U.S. As Fattest Nation +Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now +Facebook: ‘We Will Make Our Product Worse, You Will Be Upset, And Then You Will Live With It’ +I Think People Could Have Been A Little More Sympathetic About My Broken Nose +Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rushes Out Of Summer Class To Make Court Hearing +Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married +‘The Onion’ Offers A Swift, Painless Death To Edward Snowden +A-Rod Shows Minor Leaguers Proper Way To Put Down Teammates +Clear Theme Of Obedient Children Emerging In Father’s Bedtime Stories +Eliot Spitzer Announces Return To Politics +Bin Laden Wore Cowboy Hat To Avoid Detection +Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon +If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years +Jay-Z CEO Resigns After Stock Price Plunges +Andy Murray Claims It's Kind Of Pathetic Britain Taking So Much Pride In His Win At A Tennis Tournament +Zoo Visitors Watch Mating Rituals Of Ice Cream Shop Staff +Study: Unpaid Internships Don’t Lead To Jobs +Pilot Had Little Experience Landing Boeing 777 +Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking +Despite Armie Hammer Profile In ‘Good Housekeeping’ Magazine, ‘Lone Ranger’ A Flop At Box Office +FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash +‘True Blood’ Characters Openly Talking About How They Can’t Wait For Episode To End +Panicked Sabermetricians Forced To Rethink Entire Sport After Discovering They Missed At Bat From Lou Brock On August 3, 1975 +Best Music Festivals Of Summer 2013 +CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject +Breastfed Children Achieve Higher Social Status +Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’ +‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown +Cubs Players Heckle Lackluster Fans In Wrigley Field Stands +Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion +Sibling Bullying Just As Bad As Peer Bullying +13 Year Old Boy Diagnosed With Incurable Puberty +Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought +U.S. Celebrates Independence Day +Justin Upton Realizes He’s Been At Bat For 4 Hours +BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog +Report: 79% Of Sincere Thoughts Played Off As Jokes +Less Than 1 In 4 Americans Trust Newspapers +Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover +Dying Kid In Houston Holding On Until Astros Develop Player Worth Meeting +Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office +16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year +Last Time I Checked This Was Still America, But If I’m Being Honest, That Was A While Ago +Study: 95% Of People Don’t Wash Hands Correctly +Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth +Wide-Eyed Minor Leaguer Never Thought He’d One Day Be Playing In NBT Bank Stadium +Tips For Hosting A Pool Party +American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day +New Michael Bay Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 Explosions +Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students +Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools +The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria +CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them +50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria +Students Can’t Believe They’re Actually Sitting In Class With Denison University Starting Quarterback Luke Pavlatos +Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting +Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study +Latest U.N. Report Shows Raider Nation At Bottom Of Human Development Index Rankings +Scientists Grow Miniature Human Brains +Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible +Fast Food Workers On Strike Across U.S. +Completely Unnatural Mixed-Race Couple Actually Kind Of Beautiful In A Way +Rookie Geno Smith Has Already Mastered Jets Offense +Report: Millions Of Courageous Americans Overcoming Media Pressure To Be Thin +Features Of ‘Madden 25’ +Here’s The One True Way To Heaven +Eternal Bliss +George Zimmerman Asks Florida To Pay His Legal Costs +So, What’s It Going To Be? +Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black +50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech +Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War +Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football +Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media +Most Used Words In The ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech +Nation’s Single Men Announce Plan To Change Bedsheets By 2019 +NFL’s Top 10 Linebackers +Phantom Landlord +Shirtless Man Turns Face From Side To Side In Mirror While Running Hands Down Smooth Face +McDonald’s To Add Chicken Wings To Menu +NSA Spied On United Nations +Some Stupid Thing Making The Rounds Among Your Facebook Friends Today +Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite +Experts Point To Long, Glorious History Of Successful U.S. Bombing Campaigns +Obama Weighing His Syria Option +NFL Seeks Restraining Order Against Intrusive Adam Schefter +Lamar Odom Representative Denies Basketball Player Missing +Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo +Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning +Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community +Study: Americans Enjoy Watching TV, Eating +Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home +’N Sync Reunites At VMAs +Woman Who Left Room Crying Earlier Expects To Jump Back Into Party Just Like That +Nation Feels Fucking Awful For Woman Who Sits Between Skip Bayless, Stephen A. Smith +Men Dressed As Mormon Missionaries Rob Home +Breaking Bad +Monday, September 2 +Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’ +Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002 +Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt +Ben Affleck To Play Batman +Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It +Nate Silver Vows To Teach Chris Berman How To Read +Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday +Biden Time +Pope Benedict Says God Told Him To Resign +Saturday, August 31 +Bradley Manning Wants To Live As Woman +Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller +Mother Surprised Son Needs So Much Ammunition For First Day Of School +New Desktop Folder Created For Sad Little Creative Project +Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels +Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn +Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo +Poll: 98% Of People Picture Run-Down Strip Mall Parking Lot When Word 'America' Said +MLB Organizes Support Group For Players Who Identify As Inter-League +Time Flies When You’re Feeding An Addiction To Internet Pornography Over Which You No Longer Have Any Control +New Evidence Confirms A-Rod Invented Steroids +Scientists Create Hydrating, ‘Hangover-Free’ Beer +Proud Father Teaches Son How To Shave Eyebrows For First Time +Friday, August 30 +Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance +NSA Scans 75% Of All U.S. Internet Traffic +Study: All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created +Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook +Tony Romo Notices Star On Cowboys Helmet For First Time +BREAKING: Middle East Conflict Not Solved Today +Seemingly Mentally Ill Internet Commenter Presumably Functions In Outside World +Who Wants A Belly Rub? vs. I Want A Belly Rub +Ford Develops New SUV That Runs Purely On Gasoline +The NFL’s Top 10 Wide Receivers +Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000 +Can You Cuddle That? +Obamas Get New Dog Named Sunny +Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old +Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man +PBS Pulling Out The Fucking Big Guns Tonight With ‘Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park’ +Washington’s Hobby Lobby Lobbies To Strengthen Hobbies +Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant +Psychiatrist Patiently Listens To Obama Complain About Every Single American +Adolescent Girl Reaching Age Where She Starts Exploring Stepfather's Body +Andy Reid Motivates Chiefs With Inspirational Speech About Great Burrito Place +Bear Attacks Rise Sharply Across U.S. +Political Cartoonist Not Sure How To Convey That Large Sack In Senator’s Hand Is Full Of Money +‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’ Takes Box Office; ‘Jobs’ Flops +Researchers Discover Female Frogs Prefer Mate Who Knows Way Around The Cloaca +Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’ +Six Flags Employee Sick Of Talking Visitors Down From Bad Acid Trips +San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It’s About To Do +Oddsmakers Say Oakland Raiders A Long Shot To Finish Season +Crullers Explained +Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull +The NFL’s Top 10 Running Backs +What Does College Tuition Money Pay For? +Stove Alone +Male Millennials More Likely To Live With Parents +Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything +Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51 +A-Rod Incredibly Humbled To Be Mentioned Alongside All-Time Greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco +It Says Here On Your Résumé, Mr. Zimmerman, That You Shot A Boy? +David McCullough Wondering How Much Scratch He Could Shake Out Of Frederick Douglass +Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile +Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice +Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft +Hacker Hijacks Family’s Baby Monitor, Shouts At Child +Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee +Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome +Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against +Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East +Group Of Friends Engage In Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events +White House Increases Security After Man Shows Up At Oval Office Looking For Obama +Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness +Wealthy, Famous Individual Described As ‘Totally Down-To-Earth’ By Thousands Of Acquaintances, All Of Whom Are Lying +Under The Porch +Mouse Study Suggests Soda Consumption May Be Fatal +First Lady To Release Rap Album About Healthy Living +Russian Man Recalls Oppressive Days Under Communism When No One Could Speak Freely Or Protest Government +Cat Seemed Perfectly Content Right Up Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room +Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him +New ESPN Program To Feature Attractive Blonde Reading Tweets For 30 Minutes +Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks +Father Teaches Son How To Fly Into Rage Over Completely Inconsequential Bullshit +Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year +Riotous, Chanting Iowa State Fair Crowd Gathers For Annual Deep-Frying Of Virgin +Man Taking Photo With iPad Oblivious To How Badass He Looks +Rent It All In Hilton Head, South Carolina! +Judge Rules Against NYC’s Stop-And-Frisk Policy +Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey +‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch +Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel +Billionaire Calls For High-Speed Tube Transit +New Super-Fast Transport System Powered By Passengers’ Screams +Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue +Whitey Bulger Verdict Interrupted By Ben Affleck Shouting Commands From Director’s Chair In Balcony +Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good +The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks +Unpaid Internship A Really Great Experience For Local Company +Terrified Laptop Wakes Up Inside Case +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of August 13, 2013 +Millennials Choosing Not To Own Cars +Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life +Highlights From Sunday Night’s Return Of ‘Breaking Bad’ +Holder Seeks More Lenient Sentences For Drug Users +Teen Choice Awards Honor Cory Monteith With Posthumous Surfboard +Israel Builds New Settlement To Host Palestinian Peace Talks +‘Expendables 3’ Cast Requests To Be Paid In Steroids, Meat +Report: Redskins’ Name Only Offensive If You Think About What It Means +Headline About So-Called Lobsterman Extremely Misleading +25 Years Of Al-Qaeda +Man Made Clear-Headed Choice To Upload Series Of Online Videos Explaining How To Install Surround Sound Speakers +Smarter Women Less Likely To Have Kids +Carl Tresvant +No One At Baseball Game Has Any Idea What Inning It Is, What Score Is, What Teams Playing +Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation +BREAKING: Thriller Writer Jeffery Deaver At Top Of His Game +Mom Spends Beach Vacation Assuming All Household Duties In Closer Proximity To Ocean +Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football +Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement +Vince Gilligan’s Brain Spoils Final Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ For Vince Gilligan +Scientists Create Microscopic ‘Mona Lisa’ +Truther Jihadist Wishes Al-Qaeda Had Committed 9/11 Attacks +HorseConnect, The Social Network For Horses, Bought For $1 Billion +Disney’s ‘Toy Tales’ Hits Theaters Friday +Motorcyclists Riding 2-Wide In Lane Right Next To You Probably Know What They’re Doing +Feud Develops Between Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis +ESPN.com Acquires ESPN.go.com +Ravens Offense Suffers Another Huge Blow As Joe Flacco Lines Up Under Center +Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans +Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight +New Poll Finds Majority of Americans Thought We’d Live Inside Computers By Now +Blood-Spattered Suri Cruise Drags Dog Carcass To Mother’s Doorstep +I Admit It, I Need Help Acquiring More Drugs +Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers +Elizabeth Cho +Woefully Misguided Man Stocking Up On Gallons Of Milk For Armageddon +45,589,321 Healthy Kale Recipes To Try This Summer +Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia +2013-14 NBA Schedule Does Not Bode Well For Phoenix Suns +Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys +George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery +Obama Not Sure How To Tell Nation This, But He Ran Over Jimmy Carter With Car Last Night +Man Misses Simple Pleasure Of Going To Movie Store, Browsing For Something, Being Told It’s Out, Driving Home +Masochist Dog Enjoys Being Walked Around On Leash While Naked +Members Of Opening Band Walking Among Crowd During Intermission Like Gods Among Men +Mattel, NASA Introduce Mars Explorer Barbie +Alex Schlemmer +Repellent 9-Year-Old Crushed At Suspension Of Favorite Baseball Player A-Rod +Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars +Amazon CEO Buys ‘Washington Post’ For $250M +Bob Woodward Gets New Job +Taylor Swift Now In Long-Distance Relationship With Curiosity Rover +I’m Happy To Say, After 71 Years, I’m Finally Going On A Surfin’ Safari +Dolphin Spends Amazing Vacation Swimming With Stockbroker +‘The Onion’ Salutes Our Friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad On A Job Well Done +Japan Launches Talking Robot Into Space +Negligent Father Isn't Building A Castle To Protect Family From Apocalypse +Report: Only Thing A-Rod Guilty Of Is Trying To Win Ballgames +Royal Baby Spits Up On Great-Grandmother +All I Want To Do Is Play Ball, Ya Know? Take Steroids And Play Ball +Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight +World's First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted +Man Has Never Given Single Definitive Yes To Any Invitation He's Ever Received +How The NSA Collects Your Data +8 Of The Hottest Celebs Without Their Flesh +Global Warming Making People More Violent +Reading Rainbow Trout +Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug +Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse +Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement +Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug +Two People Who Went To Same College Ruin Evening For Rest Of Group +Armed George Zimmerman Given Warning For Speeding +Who’s The Best At Fighting? +Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting +Edward Snowden Granted Asylum In Russia +Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times +Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community Leaders +Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio +Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible +RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee +That Footage Of Neil Armstrong Playing Saxophone On The Moon Was Clearly Faked +Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk +U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown +Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere +‘Breaking Bad’ Ends +What A Government Shutdown Means For You +NFL Week Four Winners And Losers +5-Year-Old Figures He Has A Year Left Of Peeing At Urinals With His Pants All The Way Down +Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum +Dance Now! +15% Of U.S. Adults Don’t Go Online +Storied Fantasy Owner Relocates To New IP Address +‘Breaking Bad’ Ends With Reveal That Whole Series Was Plot Of Book Marie Shoplifted +Jay Kogen +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks +Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down +Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences +Google Turns 15 +Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial +New Poll Finds Americans View Death Of Close Relative More Favorably Than Congress +Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene +57% Of High Schoolers Unprepared For College +UFC 227 Or 183 Or Some Fucking Thing Happened Last Weekend +Google Employees Disappointed 15th Anniversary Party Only Has One Solar-Powered Lego Drag Race Reffed By David Pogue +Michael Jeffreyton Wishes Screenwriter Had Given Him More Believable Name +Man Who Understands 8% Of Obamacare Vigorously Defends It From Man Who Understands 5% +Airlines Made $27 Billion In Fees Last Year +James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224 +Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile +District Attorney Worked Way Up From Police Dog +Highlights Of Mariano Rivera’s Career +Area Man Determined To Make The Best Of Situation Comedy +Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program +Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain +20% Of Yelp Reviews Fake +Advertiser Thought This Sponsored Post Was Good Idea +Jacob Elish +President Cruz Fondly Recalls 21-Hour Speech That Started It All +Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great +World’s Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit +Area Man Worried Health Care Debate Might Be Getting Political +GM To Pour All Resources Into Single Car That Can Be Safely Driven Down Street And Back +Ted Cruz Gives 21-Hour Speech Against Obamacare +Man Experiencing First Real Moment Of Peace In Years Resuscitated +I Wish The Government Would Make Up Its Mind Who Should Be Killed And Who I Can Have Sex With +Yankees Honor Derek Jeter, Retire His Number, Forcibly Remove Him From Stadium +Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year +Tamara Federici +Married People More Likely To Beat Cancer +Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’ +Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed +New Netflix Gas Lets Users Inhale Multiple Seasons Of TV Shows +Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations +Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense +Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff +Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page +Cereal Commercial Completely Neglects Showing Numerous Life Problems Character Faces Beyond Breakfast +Manager Inspires Marlins With Clubhouse Reading Of Contractual Obligations To Play Out Season +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013 +Neo-Nazis Trying To Create Whites-Only Town In ND +New Television Show To Examine Rarely Discussed Years Between 1980 And 1989 +NASA Offering $18K To Stay In Bed For 70 Days +Extremely Vibrant Town Able To Sustain Two Buffalo Wild Wings +Highlights From Last Night’s Emmy Awards +Dad Explains Obamacare +NFL Week Three Winners And Losers +How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges +Length Of Relationship Mistaken For Quality Of Relationship +Nation Curious As To What Winning Formula Responsible For A’s Success +Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left +Man Feels Automatic Connection With Attractive Woman +Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms +Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks +The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin +Weak Little Man Asks For Help +Lonely Nation Gathers Outside Window Of Happy Family Eating Dinner Together +Best Sports Movies Ever Made +Area Man Absolutely Determined To Use Wheelbarrow This Weekend +‘Wizard Of Oz’ Rereleased In IMAX 3D +Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture +What Apple Users Need To Know About iOS 7 +Food Allergies Cost U.S. $25 Billion A Year +Prince Fielder Promises To Hit Home Run For Terminally Ill Detroit +Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied +Retiring NFL Player Announces Plans To Go Bankrupt, Shoot Self Within 5 Years +Old Faithful Brutally Beaten To Death By Group Of Teens +Deceitful Woman Deviously Alters Appearance To Give Illusion Of Youth, Fertility +Area Man’s Intelligence Probably Just Too Intimidating For Most Women +Britney Spears To Have Own Las Vegas Show +Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Carry Guns +SI Investigation Reveals Oklahoma State An Awesome Place To Play Football +Obama Meets With Nation’s Schizophrenic Voices To Urge Less Violence +Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility +I’m Just A Free Spirit Who Is Entirely Financially Dependent On Others +Grandmother Shown Around Retirement Home Where She Will Die +Enjoyment Of Steve Miller Band’s ‘Jungle Love’ Last Piece Of Common Ground In America +New Study Finds Americans Scoot Over At Least 10 Miles Per Year +Tough Season - Week One Panic - Ep. 3 +‘GTA V’ A Sophisticated Gaming Experience, Says Man Who Spent 3 Hours Running Over Homeless People With Fire Truck +Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings +‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Released +Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School +Company More Like Family Whose Members Are Desperate To Join Better Family +12-Year-Old Hispanic Boy Not Sure If He’s Supposed To Be Looking Up To Marco Rubio +Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church +Study: Zero People Have Led Satisfying Lives After Altering Original Career Plans, Aspirations +Study: Holy Water Unsafe, Full Of Bacteria +20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink +Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker +New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ +Study Finds Leading Cause Of Depression Hearing Words ‘2016 Frontrunners’ +Indian-American Miss America Attacked On Twitter +Local Applebee's Removes Photo Of Underperforming Pop Warner Team +Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed +TV Showdown Expected As ‘Sleepy Hollow’ Debuts Tonight Against HBO’s ‘Ichabod,’ TNT’s ‘Headless Horseman,’ Showtime’s ‘Cloaked Rider’ +NFL Week Two Winners And Losers +250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life 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Rowling Writing ‘Harry Potter’ Spinoff Film +Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital +Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season +Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality +NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System +Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat +Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News +Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock–Inspired ‘Sunday Night Football’ Theme Song +Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads +Saved By The Liberty Bell +Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart +Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall +College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate’s Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food +Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality +First Lady Urges Americans To Drink More Water +Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy +Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck +Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock +Josh Martin and Tanya Booker +HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry +Study Finds 80 Percent Of Facial Hair Being Silently Judged At Any One Time +U.S. Income Inequality Widest Since 1928 +Marketing Department Under Impression Keebler Elves A Beloved Part Of American Culture +Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know +Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony +Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today +Billboard Alerts Drivers To Existence Of Situational Comedy Starring Stand-Up Comedian Jerry Seinfeld +Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season +Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly +Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield +U.S. 17th Happiest Country In World +5 Seconds Of ‘Wild Wild West’ +Syria Says It Will Give Up Chemical Weapons +Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year +Hey, Baby, I’m Terrified Of My Looming Mortality! +John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion +Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas +Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C +Manager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page +Report: National Average Now 604 +Scientists Discover World’s Largest Volcano +Jon Gruden Still Talking Inside ESPN Broadcast Booth 45 Minutes After End Of ‘Monday Night Football’ +Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He’s From +Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions +Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock +Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind +Couple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple Reports +Bashar Al-Assad Tries Tiny Bit Of Sarin Gas On Self To See What It’s Like +NFL Week One Winners And Losers +Area Man’s Opinion Hasn’t Been Taken Seriously By Anyone In Over A Decade +The Mentalist +Study: Yelling At Teens As Harmful As Hitting +Dallas Cowboys Halftime Show Features Execution Of Texas Prisoner +Rex Ryan On Jets Season: ‘Anything Short Of 6-10 Is A Failure’ +NFL Stadiums Eliminate Policy Requiring All Fans To Piss On Floor Next To Urinal +Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks +Nicole Walden +George Zimmerman’s Wife Files For Divorce +New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11 +Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House +New ‘RoboCop’ Trailer Reveals Main Character To Be Some Sort Of Robotic Policeman +Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts +The NFL’s Top 10 Coaches +Family’s Horrific 45-Minute Screaming Match Ends In Consensus To Go To Macaroni Grill +World War II Documentary Suffused With Anti-Nazi Undertones +Lego Introduces First Female Scientist Figure +Area Man Bids Tearful Farewell To Family As NFL Season Begins +Poll: Majority Of Americans Approve Of Sending Congress To Syria +Tough Season - Preview +Man Puts Glass Of Water On Bedside Table In Case He Needs To Make Huge Mess In Middle Of Night +Target Of Future Drone Attack Urges American Intervention In Syria +Samsung Unveils Smartwatch +Nation’s Female Joggers Know They Will One Day Be Assaulted, Buried In Woods +R.A. Has Bad Feeling About Kid In Cloak +Wal-Mart Announces Plan To Slash Customers’ Throats +True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It +Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000 +Len Hilt +Lava Lamp Turns 50 +Tough Season - The Draft - Ep. 2 +NAACP, KKK Hold First-Ever Meeting +Breaking: Tim Tebow Drawing Interest From Media +Ariel Castro Failed By System +New Skin Cream To Do Something +Assad Unable To Convince Putin That He Used Chemical Weapons On Syrians +Royal Baby Already Making New Friends +College-Aged Female Finds Unlikely Kindred Spirit In Audrey Hepburn +Personal Trainer Has Desk +Bruce Springsteen On Fence About Playing Assad’s Birthday Gig +Walt Streit +Dennis Rodman Returns To North Korea +20-Something Thinking About Maybe Doing Something Funny With His Facial Hair +Mom Loved ‘Fruitvale Station’ +Obama Assures Americans This Will Not Be Another 1456 Ottoman Siege Of Belgrade +64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida +New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long +Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad +Coworkers Nationwide Embrace Tearfully After Painful 3-Day Separation +God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother +Guy Looking To Feel Horrible About Aspect Of Everyday Life Decides To Watch Documentary +The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks +The Onion’s Tips For College Freshmen +Study: Life On Earth May Have Started On Mars +Hannah Storm On What She’s Learned From Interviewing NFL Players: ‘They’re Idiots’ +If Martin Luther King Were Alive Today, He Would Be Disgusted At How Difficult It Has Become For Public Figures To Quietly Cheat On Their Wives +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 2, 2013 +Men Just As Likely To Be Depressed As Women +Seventh-Grade Biology Class Grossed Out At Having To Dissect Horse +Rand Paul Accused Of Plagiarizing Speech From Wikipedia +Harrison Ford Begs Agents To Just Let Him Die Now +NBC Cancels ‘Piven’ After 5 Seasons +Boss Came To Work Today Dressed As Guy Who Fires Sean +Jen Piasek and Scott Gahagen +Half Of U.S. Kids Use Smartphone Or Computer By Age 2 +Red Sox Fan Dedicates Garbage Can He’s Lighting On Fire To Marathon Victims +Red Sox Host Cardinals For Game 6 Of World Series At Boston’s Orpheum Theatre +College Unveils New Media Center Every Month +Town Sues Sriracha Factory Over Hot Sauce Odor +Suburban Mom Wows Family With Most Androgynous Look Yet +Justin Timberlake Tells Jessica Biel No One Will Believe Her +Fun-Loving, Laid-Back Woman With A Bit Of A Nerdy Side Joins Online Dating Service +Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment +NFL To Add Second Team In Jacksonville +Some Guy At Bar Lived In San Francisco For A Summer And Liked It A Lot +Pro-Assad Group Hacks Obama’s Twitter Account +Edwin Harsy and Jen Cranlin +Mom Leaks Out Another Divorce Detail During Drive To SAT Prep Class +Mysterious Google Barges Seen On East, West Coasts +I’m Kind Of OCD About Always Serving White Customers First +27-Year-Old Lies About Every Single Aspect Of His Life To Keep Parents From Worrying +Sports Journalist Told To Write Some Slop About Baseball Healing Boston +NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season +Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now +63-14 Loss Disgraces Penn State Football Program +Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months +Blake Griffin Caught Plagiarizing Dunks +Poll: Older Americans Very Satisfied With Their Jobs +No One On Pirate Ship Has Any Idea What ‘Splicing The Mainbrace’ Means +Dad’s Been On A Parenting Kick Lately +Woman Builds Ironclad Case Proving Mila Kunis Looks Bad Without Makeup +U.S. Tapped Phones Of 35 World Leaders +Enzyme Humbled To Have Played Part In Successful Biochemical Reaction +Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite +NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers +How Congress Plans To Boost Its Approval Rating +Nation’s Pedophiles March On Washington, D.C. Elementary School +Americans Spend $330 Million On Halloween Pet Costumes +Call Now! +The Walking Dead +Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks +Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-Anxiety–Life-Anxiety Balance +Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate +NASA: ‘We Will Have A Mass Shooting On The Moon By 2055’ +Titans Players Evenly Divided Amongst Bud Adams’ Next Of Kin +Company To Offer Balloon Rides To Edge Of Space +You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover +NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At Class For Entire School Day +Starbucks Opens First Teahouse, Plans 1,000 More +CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO +Josh Freeman Takes On Leadership Role To Help Vikings Find Franchise Quarterback +Panicked Newborn Didn’t Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test +Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-Suit-Wearing Man +Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting +Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’ +Microsoft Testing Google Glass Competitor +Martha and Lawrence Krebsbach +Cardinals vs. Red Sox +Ah, To Be Young, Rich, White, Male, College-Educated, Straight, And In Love +Massive Asteroid Could Hit Earth In 2032 +ESPN Has Been Talking About Beards For 80 Straight Hours +Report: ChicagoTheBand.com Most Visited Site On The Internet +5-Year-Old Reluctantly Lets Crying Mom Sleep In His Bed Again +Police Investigate Reports Of Local Gay Man Being Dragged Behind Boat +BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible +Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage +Ronald Crandall +75% Of Breast Milk Bought Online Contaminated +Teen Wolfe +Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It +Poll: 63% Of Americans Want Boehner Out Of Office +Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water +Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field +You Meet The Most Interesting People Kicking Open Random Bathroom Stalls +Peyton Manning Takes Advantage Of Indianapolis Trip To Visit Wife, Children +GOP Announces Plan To Go After Obamacare +Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image +Fan Has $100K Of Surgery To Look Like Justin Bieber +First-Generation Immigrant Couple Still Adjusting To Life Of Being Featured In Son’s Standup Routines +Anne Hathaway Tormented By 14-Year-Old Bully +New, Improved Obamacare Program Released On 35 Floppy Disks +Mom Breaks Into Son’s Apartment At Night To Administer 2013 Flu Vaccine +Redskins’ Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team’s Offensive Name +New Book Claims Robert Kennedy Stole JFK’s Brain +NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers +Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles +New Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep +Cincinnati At Pittsburgh +Scientist: Yetis Real, Related To Polar Bears +Dead Hamster Feels Its Life Has Been Properly Honored By Shoebox Coffin +Schrödinger’s House +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks +Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay +God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans +HBO Announces ‘Game Of Thrones’ Not Coming Back This Weekend +Entire Office Clamoring To Be Introduced To Coworker's Parents +Unnerving Adidas Commercial Just Features Derrick Rose Sitting +Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First +Greatest Sports Rivalries +Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S. +Man Craving Some Kind Of Human Connection That Would Let Him Know He’s Not Alone In This World, Sliders +Government Reopens +Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can’t Be Worn To Grandfather’s Funeral +Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties +Republicans Give In Right Before Obamacare Would Have Been Repealed +Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group +There’s Going To Be A New Alpha Male In The Office When My Coworkers Hear About The Baby Deer I Saw +Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue +Moose Dying Off Across North America +Just What You Should Want +Oreos As Addictive As Cocaine Among Rats +Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country +Obama Announces Start Of Annual D.C. Spooktacular +Heroic Broken Sewage Pipe Floods Congress With Human Waste +Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict +Haunted Corn Maze Owner Has Another Conversation With Zombie No. 2 About Not Touching +Muslim Man Figured Trip To Mecca Would Be A Lot More Life-Changing +Bruce Willis Seriously Considering Doing More Films +Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up +Sports Fan Has Opinion +Elderly Woman Unknowingly Lived With 20,000 Bees +Guinness World Records Promotes Man Who Can Lift 27 Pounds With Tongue To Editor-In-Chief +Serial Killer Thinking Of Interesting Ways To Incorporate Social Media +Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point +Madonna Banned From Movie Theater For Texting +College Freshman Thinking It Might Be Time To Break Up With His High School Teacher +Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City +Escape Into Escapism With Jean +Broncos’ Perfect Season Ends With Humiliating Win Over Jaguars +Shutdown Halts Craft Beer Production +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week of October 14 +Tea Party Congressman Listens To Constituent Who Wears Thomas Jefferson Costume Everywhere +Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Christ Delivered By Dr. Sidney Adler +Study: Behavioral Problems Linked To Irregular Bedtimes +Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress +News Website Refers To Users’ Ceaseless Exchange Of Racial Slurs As ‘Discussion’ +NFL Week Six Winners And Losers +John Boehner’s Wife Calls For Her Shutdown King To Come Back To Bed +Internet Rocked By Blogger With Sarcastic Sensibility +Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players +NYC Restaurant Has Diners Eat In Silence +October 19 +Stray Dad Found In Lumber Section Of The Home Depot +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks +McDonald’s To Put Books In Happy Meals +Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee +High School Football Coach Encourages Player To Shake Off Cognitive Impairment +Airline Part Of Something Called 'Star Alliance' +WNBA Finals Dominated By Minnesota Lynx’s 8-Months Pregnant Power Forward +Mothers May Pass Depression To Newborns +Kuwait To Medically ‘Detect’ Gay Visitors, Expel Them +The Onion’s Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis +New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography +Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies +Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans +Most Offensive Team Names +Thunk U For Nobbel Prise, Me Happie Now +Marcus Vick Likely Out For Sunday Shift At Sbarro +U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers +October 17 +Janet Yellen Nominated As First Female Fed Chief +Psychiatrists Deeply Concerned For 5% Of Americans Who Approve Of Congress +Fucking Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Shot At Nobel Prize In Literature This Year +Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins +Michelle Obama Opens Up In ‘Marie Claire’: ‘Our Sex Life Has Never Been More Open, More Experimental, More Generous’ +High School Freshman Thinks ‘Romeo And Juliet’ Might Just Be Her Favorite Play +Daryl Johnston Admits He Doesn’t Feel Comfortable Being Alone In Booth With Kenny Albert +Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family +Military Unveils Bionic Super-Soldiers Capable Of Withstanding Mental Toll Of War +China Warns U.S. Not To Default On Debt +October 16-18 +NYPD Lets Suspicious Man Go After Only Finding ‘Catcher In The Rye’ In Backpack +Tom Hanks Has Diabetes +Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached +I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons +Fanatically Devoted Nerd Could Potentially Turn On Simon Pegg At Any Moment +History Of The Walt Disney Company +Dick Vitale Enthusiastic About Latest Al-Qaeda Plot +Report: Chicken Nuggets Only 50% Meat +Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy +Nobel Prize In Chemistry Awarded To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler +Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Can’t Blame Congress For The Shutdown, Not With Those Adorable Faces They Can’t +How The Government Shutdown Could End +Reality TV Show To Send Winner To Space +Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare +NFL Week Five Winners And Losers +High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully +Study Finds Only Safe Place To Tackle Football Players Is 4-Inch Area On Right Thigh +Doctor Creates Feces Pills To Treat Illness +Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense +Brooklyn Nine-Nine +Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks +Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama +Linguistics Professor Tells Notre Dame Leprechaun To Sit The Fuck Down In Class +Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set +David Bowie Asks Iman If They Should Just Do Lasagna Again +Internet Not Quite Done Milking Cory Monteith’s Death For All It Worth +Creepy Statistician Starts Softwetfootballfacts.com +Even Consumer’s Subconscious Can Tell Banner Ad Campaign Ineffective +Meat +Group Shows DNA Evidence, HD Video Of Bigfoot +The Men Who Built Canada +BREAKING: Daniel Throwing His Life Away, You Should Call Him, He Dropped Out Of Wharton—Wharton, For God’s Sake +Putin Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize +Mia Farrow: ‘It’s Possible My Son Was Fathered By Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, Or Bruce Dern’ +Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar +OSN’s Tips For Turning Your NFL Season Around +Germ-Free Haven! +Report: American Jews Becoming Less Religious +U.S. Treasury Announces Bonus Financial Quarter Worth Double The Cash +NBC, CNN Cancel Hillary Clinton Movies +The Republican Party Cannot Stand By And Let Obamacare Destroy This Country vs. Help Me +1998 University Of Virginia Graduates Still Taking Inspiration From Governor Jim Gilmore’s Commencement Speech +Nation Admits There Could Be A Little Less Porn +I Don’t Know Where My Navy Blue Tie Is—Sure, Maybe That’s Not Important To You, But It Is To Me +New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion +New York Adds ‘Texting Zones’ To Highways +The Outer Edge Of Consciousness +Billion Dollar Listing +Government Shutdown Forces National Zoo To Turn Off Panda Suicide Cam +Last Thing Government Worker Needed Was Agency Labeling Him ‘Nonessential’ +Greatest Country In World Unable To Keep William H. Gross Stamp Gallery Open +Government Shutdown Begins +How Obamacare’s Health Insurance Exchanges Work +Saudi Cleric: Driving Harms Women’s Ovaries +Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition +Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table +Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving +Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere +Individuals Unaware They Constitute Area Man’s Support Network +School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek +Monaco Teen Doesn’t Want To Fall Into Townie Life Of Being Billionaire Race-Car-Driving Playboy +Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer +Canadian City Outlaws Doorknobs +Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available? +Morning-After Pill Doesn’t Work For Heavier Women +Archaeologists Discover Site Where Desperate Jesus Christ Turned Tricks +Study: Major Shift In Media Landscape Occurs Every 6 Seconds +New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field +British Royal Family Sadly Announces Death Of Prince Charming +Nation Has To Sell Lake House +Winter Storm Snarls Holiday Travel +Area Dad Convinced Receiver Controlled Ball, Got Both Feet Inbounds +‘The Onion’ Vows To Carry On Iran’s Nuclear Weapons Program Until The Job Is Done +Iran Suspends Nuclear Program +Frustrated Iranian Scientist Forced To Shut Down Project He Spent 12 Goddamn Years Of His Life On +NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers +Factory-Farm-To-Table Restaurant Proudly Serves Locally Tortured Animals +Winter Storm Threatens Homeless Man’s Plans To Survive Over Thanksgiving +Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something–Anti-Something Clash +No One At High School Remembers Asking Ray Lewis To Give Football Players Inspirational Pregame Speech +Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks +FCC May Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights +Man Doesn’t Know How Parents Ever Going To Pay Off Massive Student Loan Debt +New Report Finds Climate Change Caused By 7 Billion Key Individuals +Area Man Can Remember Exactly Where He Was, What He Was Doing When He Assassinated John F. Kennedy +Controversy Over ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Sequel +Poll: Most In U.S. Believe JFK’s Death A Conspiracy +Today’s Kids Take 1.5 Mins Longer To Run Mile Than ’80s Kids +Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1 +Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today +Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year +Bears Giving Jay Cutler A Few Years To Properly Heal +Attractive Woman Surprised To Learn Coworker A Dick +Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home +Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving +Ohio Walmart Holds Food Drive For Own Workers +Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before +‘Hip-Hop Conservative’ Congressman Caught With Cocaine +Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West +Report: Employers Created 40,000 New Jobs For Existing Employees Last Month +Columnist Getting All Self-Righteous About Rape Epidemic In College Sports +Friend Who’s Going Through Difficult Emotional Time Carefully Avoided +White House Announces Sasha Obama To Now Be Played By Britney Watkins +Study: Video Games Don’t Negatively Impact Kids’ Behavior +George Zimmerman Arrested For Domestic Violence +Terrified Obama Trapped Inside Healthcare.gov Website +Study: American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World +Woman Who Had Almost Formed Healthy Sense Of Self Rejoins Social Media +This First Time Area Man Hearing About Daughter Dating George Zimmerman +Totally Irresponsible Parents Remember To Drop Son Off At Football +I Like Living In L.A. Because People Don’t Act Weird When They See Me On The Street +Most Used Words In The Gettysburg Address +‘Luck’ Producers Still Killing A Lot Of Horses +Spicy Chips, Snack Foods Sending Kids To ER +Dick Cheney’s Daughters Feud Over Gay Marriage +Report: 92% Of Divorced Parents Get Back Together If Children Ask Enough Times +Cancer Researchers: ‘Don’t Get Cancer’ +NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers +Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter’s Productivity By 95% +Report: Kanye West, Bill Gates, Tom Hanks All Currently Reading, Enjoying This Article +How Facebook Is Trying To Retain Users +More Teens Using E-Cigarettes +‘Sunday NFL Countdown’ Crew Gives Some Dumb Fucking Demonstration On Fake Field +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks +China To Loosen One-Child Policy +Independent Bookstore Puts The Dave Eggers Right Where The Fuckers Can Find Them +Secretary Of Transportation Worried He’s Not Living Up To Legacy Of Claude S. Brinegar +R.E.M.’s Children Still Hoping Parents Will Get Back Together +Grown Man Who Owns Bane Action Figure Has Love To Give +Man Who Drinks 5 Diet Cokes Per Day Hoping Doctors Working On Cure For Whatever He’s Getting +Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason +Washington Redskins Ease Tensions With Native Americans By Adding Bottle Of Booze To Logo +PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One +Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Releases New Leather-Bound Philip Roth +California Town On Sale On Craigslist For $225K +It Almost As If Rite Aid Cashier Doesn’t Care About Reputation Of Rite Aid Corporation +Study: Women Less Likely To Climax During Casual Sex +How The President Plans To Fix Obamacare +Area Man Lacks Star Power Necessary To Carry Major Motion Picture +Scientists Theorize Sun Could Support Fire-Based Life +Area Dad Looking To Get Average Phone Call With Adult Son Down To 47.5 Seconds +Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months +I’m Sorry, But At This School We Don’t Promote Someone To Head Surf Instructor Just Because They Directed ‘Goodfellas’ +2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites +Siblings Patiently Waiting For Day They’ll Be Close To Each Other +Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro +Boyfriend Can Really Envision Losing His Sense Of Self Long-Term With This One +NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture +Depression Accelerates Aging +Least Popular Guy At House Party Really Hitting It Off With Dog +Obama’s Approval Rating Hits Record Low +Man Just Going To Assume Apartment Has Functional Carbon Monoxide Detector Somewhere +Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office +Cowardly Refugee Running Away From Problems +Breaking: Intruders Detected In Zone 17 +T.G.I. Friday’s Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana +Pittsburgh Residents Horrified To Learn Ben Roethlisberger Considers City Home +Survey: 1 In 10 Women Prefer Pets To Partners +Male Substitute Teacher With Ponytail Cloaked In Mystery +PG-13 Movies Have More Gun Violence Than R Movies +Obama Has That Sex Dream About Nation Again +Black Friday Deals +Man Smoking E-Cigarette Must Be Futuristic Bounty Hunter +Mariana Trench Once Again Named Worst Place To Raise Child +Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania +Apple Developing Larger iPhone With Curved Screen +‘NCIS’ To Cease Print Edition +Folks, We Don't Usually Do This On The White House Tour, But Let's Go Tickle The President +White Texan Wins Election After Pretending To Be Black +ESPN Searching For A Few Loud-Mouthed Fucks For New Afternoon Program +NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers +Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss +How Climate Change Will Affect You +Experts: Jellyfish Taking Over World’s Oceans +Condom Indicted On 400 Million Counts Of Spermicide +Report: Running To Factor Greatly In This Week’s Sports +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks +FDA To Ban All Trans Fats +Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable +Woman Always Dreamed Of Opening Her Own Sparsely Attended Dance Studio +NFL Scout Hoping Player’s Hometown Friend ‘Big Killah’ Won’t Be Liability +Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing +Lady Gaga To Sing In Outer Space In 2015 +Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals +Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor +High School Elects Gay 45-Year-Old Homecoming King For First Time In School History +Report: Yasser Arafat Poisoned With Polonium +Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First +Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades +Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating +Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes +Marvel Comics Announces Muslim Girl Superhero +Who Is Chris Christie? +Newly Naturalized Citizens Taken Around U.S. For Orientation +Toronto Mayor Admits Smoking Crack On Video +Nation Not About To Start Giving A Shit About Canadian Politics +David Copperfield Once Again Tops The Onion’s Annual List Of World’s Most Powerful People +Salivating Andy Reid Still Chasing Perfect Seasoning +Hillary Clinton Quietly Asks Bill If He Still Finds Her Electable +Study: People Appear More Beautiful In Groups +DHS Warns U.S. In Danger Of Another Eagles Reunion Album +Scientists: At Least 8.8 Billion Habitable Planets In Galaxy +BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn’t Commit +You’ll Never Work In This Town Again! +Overstock.com Announces Plans To Develop Original Programming +Texans Players Wish They Were Good Enough To Rally For Gary Kubiak +Paul Hogan Admits He’s Still Searching For That One Career-Defining Role +Kidnapped Teen Freed, Though Freedom Is Its Own Kind Of Prison, Is It Not? +Gatorade Releases New Performance Suppository +Study: Brushing, Flossing May Prevent Heart Disease +Financially Ruined Executive Still Piecing Life Back Together 2 Years After Occupy Movement +Advice To Enjoy Being Young Came Out Way Sadder Than Intended +Lay’s Debuts Chocolate-Covered Potato Chips +New Documentary Reveals SeaWorld Forced Orca Whales To Perform Nude +Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis +NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers +Republican Alternatives To Obamacare +Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked +World Facing Global Wine Shortage +Guy Wearing Texans Jersey Mercilessly Abused By Fans At Reliant Stadium +Patricia Belanger and Mark Russell +Onion Sports’ NFL Week Nine Picks +FAA Allows Use Of Electronics Throughout Flights +Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob +Report: What College Recruiter Currently Doing To Be Subject Of Huge NCAA Investigation In 5 Years +Nabisco Snack Physicists Develop Highly Unstable Quadriscuits +Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself +Weirdest Game Finishes In Sports History +Facebook Use Declining Among Teens +Notable Individuals’ 2014 New Year’s Resolutions +The Onion’s Tips For Hosting A New Year’s Eve Party +Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together +Cousins Meaner This Year +What Do You Get For The Man Who Already Has The Complete Fleetwood Mac Discography? +Camera Admits It Can’t Do Much For Barry +Dan Dierdorf Provides In-Depth Analysis Of Player’s Shoe Falling Off +3-Foot-Tall Christmas Tree Really Completes Incredibly Depressing Apartment +2013 In Technology +Heat Fans Growing Frustrated With Team’s Lack Of NBA Titles Since June +Thousands Of Americans To Notice First Signs Of Dementia While Visiting Parents Over Holiday +Most Anticipated Bowl Games +Scientists Believe Hockey Players May Communicate By Banging Sticks Against Boards +30-Year-Old Has Earned $11 More Than He Would Have Without College Education +Uruguay Legalizes Marijuana +Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel +Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage +2013 In Entertainment +Mark Jackson Encourages Golden State Warriors To Play Like Suspension Bridge +Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy Worried It Came Down Too Hard On Jeff Yesterday +Encouraging Economic Report Reveals More Americans Delusional Enough To Start Their Own Business +Freeze-Resistant Cockroaches Invade Manhattan +2013 In International News +Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds +Gun Laws Passed This Year +The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide +NSA Spied On Online Gamers +2013 In The Economy +Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone +Taxi Driver Just Taking His Time As If Man Not Late For Color Me Mine Pottery Party +Friends, Family Say Derrick Rose Hasn’t Said Single Word In Past 17 Days +Pudgy Doughboy With Rosy Red Cheeks Presses Nose Up Against Window Of Chocolate Shop +The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana +Delirious Rover Hallucinates Water On Mars +World Leaders Attend Mandela Funeral +2013 In Politics +Terrifying Man Selling Dead Trees Out Of Middle School Parking Lot +God Admits He Never Created Gerbils +Alarming New Adult Trend ‘Plateauing In Your Career And Relationship’ Sweeps Nation +NFL Week 14 Winners And Losers +College Coach Accused Of Receiving Payment +The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College +Mom Not Joking When She Says She Wants Picture Of Grown Kids In Bath For Old Time’s Sake +Study Disputes ‘Fat But Fit’ Claim +Saints vs. Panthers +Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks +Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna +Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time +New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention +Roger Goodell Carefully Considering Every Comment On NFL.com Message Boards +Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps +NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones +Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed +Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA +Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic +New, More Realistic ‘NFL Play 60’ Campaign Encourages Kids To Be Active For 60 Seconds A Week +This Is My Favorite Time Of Year Because I’m Sexually Aroused By Toy Soldier Makeup +New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep +Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night +Study: Male, Female Brains Wired Differently +Pretty Obvious Which Sibling Going To Have To Deal With All The Nursing Home Stuff +House Votes To Renew Ban On Plastic Guns +Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim +Jason Campbell Cleared For Light Brain Activity +Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror +Employee Slowly Realizes Boss Attempting To Have Normal Conversation With Her +Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You +Red Lobster Welcomes Back ‘Defrosted Shrimp Days’ +Study: Gut Instincts Help Predict Marital Happiness +Train Safety Called Into Question +Deformed Freak Born Without Penis +Report: Fritz A Fine Name For A Boy +Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God +Nobody At University Of Alabama Caught Saturday’s Game +New Report Shows Many U.S. Businesses Actually Just Fronts For Moneymaking Operations +Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone +Amazon Testing Drone Delivery Service +Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans +Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God +‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud +Man Confidently Hits ‘Send’ On Worst Job Application Company Has Ever Seen +What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas +Cyber Monday Sales Projected To Top Records +Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’ +Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players +Mitt Romney's Watch +Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser +Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress +Off The Top Of My Head +Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact +Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box +Two Men +Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch +Weird-Looking Potato +FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato +Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought +Just For Show +Screwballs +College Football Signing Day +Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again +Super Bowl XLVI +Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place +The Art Of Compromise +Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create +Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There +Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure +Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky +Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food +New Law Prohibits Kaleidoscoping While Driving +Ninetysomethings +Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives +Nation’s Least-Appealing Puppies To Face Off In Puppy Bowl +Internet Against SOPA, PIPA +Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich +Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes +Population Growth +How Would You Like To Die? +Scientists: ‘Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?’ +Project Runaway +Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me +Romneymania +Romneymania Sweeps America +Obama's State Of The Union +Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals +Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches +I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself +Uncle Joe +North Korea +Giffords To Resign +North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala +Ron Paul +Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot +Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being +Celebrity Career Swap +Paula Deen Has Diabetes +Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy +Jan. 23 +Where Are They Now? +Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow +NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’ +Eli Manning +Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks +College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet +Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is +Feel Superior Now, Asshole? +New Super Stats +Clam Juice +Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day +Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline +Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees +Jan. 20 +Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins +Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist +SweetSpace +New Social Media Start-Up Aims To Be Cross Between Facebook And Facebook +Santorum Won Iowa Caucus +Jan. 19 +Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign +Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior +Skippy +Nation's Sound Engineers Gather To Talk About Their Ponytails +Zappos Hacked +Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong' +Right v. Wrong +Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency +You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself +Would you be open to a new screwdriver head? +Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S. +Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head +New Screwdriver Head +How I Met Your Mother +Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be +Huntsman Drops Out +Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman +Arby's Grab-N-Go +Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef +CVS Roadshow +Philip Morris Introduces New Marlboro Sinus PM Cigarettes +Parents Drop Fake Treating-You-Like-An-Adult Act Half-Hour Into Visit +Ndamukong Suh Fined $75,000, Just To Wrap Things Up +AFC Divisional Playoffs, Broncos at Patriots +Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients +Inadvertent Ice Road Truckers +Bill O'Brien Promises To Never Uphold The Traditions And Values Penn State Now Stands For +Athletes And Religion +Unpopular BCS Crowns Alabama National Champions, Endorses Rick Santorum, Spits On World War II Veteran, Pushes Elderly Woman Down Flight Of Stairs, Wishes Osama Bin Laden Were Still Alive +Area Man Shocked To Learn There Is A Butt-Oriented Magazine He Was Not Aware Of +Court Overturns Oklahoma Sharia Law Ban +Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried On Secret Affair With Taxes For Years +Detroit Ending 24-Hour Police Station Access +President Obama Wondering Why He Always Has To Initiate Phone Call With NCAA Champions +Hostess Files For Bankruptcy +Obama Spends Wednesday Doing Some Urgings, Some Callings On +Romney Wins New Hampshire +The View +One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary +A 12-Hour Road Trip +New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore +Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now +I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now +Will Google, Facebook Stage Blackout Protest? +Footloose and Fancyfree +Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In +Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade +Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation +First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born +Called It! +Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again +Mississippi Brings Down Yet Another National Average +Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge +All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer +NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt +Origin Story +NFL Playoff Picture +Andrew Luck +New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying +Perry Stays In Race +Rex Ryan: 'Mark Sanchez Was Absolutely Our Quarterback This Year' +Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview +Boy Scouts Celebrate Proud History Of Preparing Teens For Not Having Cool Friends +Best Debate Moments +Levi McShane +Fracking Causing Earthquakes? +Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy +Zero To Hero +'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans +NHL Tries To Pass Off Commercial Flight As Flyover For Winter Classic +Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term +Some Organics Not Green +600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus +Cam Wright +Presidential Fitness Test Now Awarded To Any Kid Who Can Eat Without Sweating +President Signs Controversial Defense Bill +Prime Minister Of Norway Gets Laid +My Kids Are Learning How To Drive…Me Up The Wall! +Job Interview Tips +Ivy League Horse +UFC Fan Knows What All Those Guys' Names Are +Christmas Letter Ominously Makes No Mention Of The Twins +Happy New Year +Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery +The Last 10 Minutes of House +iPad 3 May Cost 15% More +Miriam Kutz And Rodger Juniper +FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs +Crystal's Return To Oscars +Cost of Living +Bob Peterson +GLAAD To Honor Any Mainstream Film That Gets One Thing Right About Being Gay +Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early +Microbrewer Trying To Work Dog Into Name Of New Seasonal Beer +Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together +Divine Design +Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones +Obama Proposes Lowering Corporate Tax Rate +Angela Cloud +Great Team Chemistry No Match For Great Team Biology +Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices +Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message +Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat +Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other +Ace Of Lasagnas +Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington +Negative Advertising More Frequent In 2012 Primary +Nation Trying, Okay? +Margerie Hempstead +MMA Fighter Unfortunately Discovers True Love For First Time On Morning Of Big Fight +I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN! +Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy +Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol +The Parents +Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today +Pennies, Nickels To Change? +Oh Fuck, What The Fuck Is That? +Suspicious-Looking Duffel Bag Spotted On Magic Bench Just Glen Davis +Smug New Mom Going To Start A Blog +Jeremy Lin +Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis +U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Embarrassing Video Of Nation Surfaces On Internet +Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital +Come Away With Me +New Sitcom To Feature Blocking Tight End Living With Pass-Catching Tight End +What To Look For In NASCAR This Year +FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband +Melo's Groin +Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin +Man Pretty Sure He Slept +Chinese National Found Guilty Of Stealing Trade Secrets +Nation Watches In Envy As 15-Year-Old Jots Notes In Margin Of 'To Kill A Mockingbird' +Jamie Oliver Unearths Joy Division Master Tapes +Petition: We Want Heath Ledger In "The Dark Knight Rises" +Heath Ledger +Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn't Possible, Demand Heath Ledger 'Dark Knight Rises' Appearance +Millionaires And Their Money +Charlize Theron Hired To Ride Struggling Cleveland Light Rail System Monday Through Friday +Supreme Court Justice Robbed At Knifepoint +What phrase following "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To" would you would be able to deal with today? +Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' +GOP Voters: 'Can We See What It Looks Like With Huntsman And Perry Again?' +Roger Goodell Backs Off Expansion Talk After Being Reminded Of Jacksonville Jaguars +So, How Was Afghanistan? +Saudi Journalist Arrested For Tweeting To Muhammad +Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet +New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct +Bus Bowl +Anti-Doping Agency Has A Bunch Of Old Tour De France Titles Lying Around If Anybody Wants One +'House' To End +Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids' +16 and Present +Robert Pike And Tammy Roeder +Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can +Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away +New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion +48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds +Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse +Championship Celebration Moments +Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once +The Dr. Oz Show +Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines +Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones +Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life' +Brandon Cisneros And Amy Phillips +Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon +'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead +New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word +Arne Duncan +Spanking Doesn't Work +Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year +Cryojennifer +Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed +Aged Americans +Smoking Speeds Mental Decline +New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans +Matt And Shandra Fink +Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book +Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice +Kid Court +Choosing Your Candidate +Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama +Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles +NASA +Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy +Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents +Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend +Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories +Meet The Press +Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend +Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012 +Downton Abbey +Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job +Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime +Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers +Should Sugar Be Regulated? +Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene +1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day +SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes +New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion +Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals +'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine +Shafts +Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet +Newt Gingrich +Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail +Facebook To Launch IPO +Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave +Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth +Honus Wagner Baseball Card +'The Natural' Not On TV Often Enough For Area Dad +I'd Be Happy To Help With Any Herding… +Cash Bus +Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot +Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4 +Notable Suspensions In Sports +Death Of Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar Introduces Thousands To Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar +Spike Lee Tweets Wrong George Zimmerman's Address +Exhaustive Investigation By Broadcasters Finds Every Player In NCAA Tournament Just A Great Kid +MLB Investigates Why Joba Chamberlain Is Allowed To Have A Son +Zimmerman Appears Uninjured In Video +Shelly Paquette And An Asian +Bigot Group Recommended Alienating Gays From Blacks +Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices +Sunny & Raini +SAT Takers Face Tighter Security +Protest Timeline Of Events +Nation's Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research +New Walgreens Facebook Plugin Allows Users To See What Prescriptions Friends Are Picking Up +Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand +U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park +Gingrich Photo Op: $50 +This Kid Derek And Some Short Woman +'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To +U.S. Compensates Afghan Victims’ Families +Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out +Tom And Karen's Baby +NFL Panics When Only 17 Prospects Declare For Draft +Supreme Court Begins ‘Obamacare’ Hearings +Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause +Cause Of Male-Pattern Baldness Discovered +Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP +Luck +Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets +Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession +Sidney Crosby's Long Year Off +Greeting Each Other Like Normal Human Beings Impossible For Local Friends +That's So Gina! +Charles Barkley Repeatedly Commends Ohio University's Hunger +Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death +Anthony Davis +Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing +Grounder So Routine Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong, Nothing At All +'Hunger Games' Opens Today +Kentucky Going To Stick With Strategy Of Having Far-And-Away Better Athletes At Every Position +Marine Faces Discharge For Anti-Obama Facebook Posts +Tim Tebow Absolutely Horrified After First Phone Conversation With Rex Ryan +New Porno Worth Checking Out Even For People Who Aren’t Familiar With 5 Guys Jerking Off On Single Pair Of Tits +Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys +Brain Mechanism Triggered By Electroshock Discovered +Survivorbot +Romney Wins Illinois +PTSD +Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers +Military Now Considering Limiting Soldiers With Severe PTSD To 3 Combat Tours +Dolphins Spend Entire Meeting With Alex Smith Venting About Free Agents They Couldn’t Sign +Wendy's Surpasses Burger King +U.S. Citizen Resigns After Making Controversial Remark About Country +Panicked Redskins Send Another Couple First-Round Picks To St. Louis Just To Make Sure +Atheists Unbless Florida Road +Your Dog Died +Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair +Delta Highest In Pet Deaths +Keeping an Open Mind +NHL Reluctantly Signs Deal With Hockey To Continue As Their Sport Through 2016 +8 States Fail Corruption Test +Empathy Theatre +$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass +Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses +Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness +NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now +Poll: 96% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Drummer +OTTO THE ORANGE +Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors +Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression +Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale +Notable NFL Free Agents +Sound Technicians Resort To Hanging Donald Sutherland Upside Down In Empty Stairwell To Get Optimal Voice-Over Tone +Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12% +Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television +In Over Your Head +Peyton Manning In Talks With Dolphins About Whether Miami Would Be A Good Place To Retire +Girl Scouts Turns 100 +Study Finds Owning Cool Leather Jacket More Rewarding Than Raising Children +Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision +Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed +Positively Andy +Resounding Humanity +Justice Department Rejects Texas Voter ID Law +Area Man Secretly Tired Of Exposing His Big Belly For Friends To Slap, Yet Knows No Other Way +Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To +Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet +Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days +Move Right Into A Piece Of Small-Screen History! +Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote +Obama Waiting For Perfect Moment To Walk By White House Tour Group +The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed With The Blood Of Air Show Pilots +LSD Could Be Viable Alcoholism Treatment +The Lockhorns: The Animated Series +Black Sheep Of Earnhardt Family Dies In Public Transit Crash +Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside +Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime +Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job +Extreme Home Makeover: Shower Edition +How Sturdy Is That? +Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter +Spate Of Offseason Kicker Suicides Blamed On Trauma Of Getting Iced By Timeouts +Indiana Either This Year's UConn, This Year's Arizona, 2010's Michigan State, Or A Combination Of 2003's Marquette And 1987's Providence +John Calipari +Online Recap Of TV Show Attracts 25,000 Readers Who Have Given Up On Life +We Hope You Enjoyed Your Stay In The Room Our Daughter Died In! +Details Of The NFL Bounty Scandal +Sweating, Shaking Man Never Going To Spend A Little Time With His Thoughts Again +Negative Nancies +College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less +New Father Remembers Time When Baseball Wasn't So Goddamn Meaningful +Floyd Mayweather, Jr. And Manny Pacquiao Urged To Put Aside Differences And Fight +North Korean Relations May Be Thawing +Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record +Entertainment Writer Has Knack For Making Complex Pop Culture Concepts Accessible To Lay Readers +Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase +Up All Night +Chris Kattan Wondering Whether He Should Start A Podcast +This Article Generating Thousands Of Dollars In Ad Revenue Simply By Mentioning New iPad +Court Rules Loughner Can Be Forcibly Medicated +Squandered Resources +All Of Nation's Resources Dumped Into 50 Children Who Are Actually The Future +Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions +Brooklyn Man Can Still Remember Where He Was When Giants Won Super Bowl XLVI +Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney +The Plan +Vatican Dispatches Elite Team Of Bishops To Sabotage Contraceptive Manufacturer +‘Lorax’ No. 1 +Say Yes To The Dress +Going Out To Dinner With Food-Loving Friend A Huge Ordeal +Sources: Any Number Of Players Could Be Traded To Nearly Any Combination Of Teams +Sleep Improves With Age +Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth +Max Meyer And Abigail Crenshaw +Danica Patrick +NHL's New 'Blue Zone' Channel Only Shows Games When The Puck Is Within 3 Feet Of One Of The Blue Lines +Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine +Players Drink Soda, Wear Sneakers, Drive Trucks On Grueling Day One Of NFL Endorsement Combine +Monkees’ Davy Jones Dies +Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team +Kids Of Milwaukee Forced To Look Up To Ryan Braun On Technicality +John Scarpello And A Metaphor +Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today +Who Do You Think You Are? +Poll: Support For Afghanistan War Up Among Americans Who Love Horrible Situations +Errant Keystroke Produces Character Never Before Seen By Human Eyes +Jimmie Johnson Disqualified After Pre-Race Inspection Reveals Car To Be Airplane +Salt Content In Fast Food Depends On Country +NASA Announces Plans To Put Man On Bus To Cleveland +Phil Jackson Enjoying Retirement On Montana Ranch With Egomaniacal Livestock Who Hate Each Other +Pilots +Report: A-Rod Probably Thinking About Betting On Baseball +Starbucks Removes Beetle-Based Coloring +No One Can Remember Seeing Houston Astros For At Least A Week +Cash Cab +Ron Paul Video Game In Development +Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home +Latest Blake Griffin Dunk More Annoying Than Anything +Joakim Noah Gets Some Ugly But Gutsy Yard Work Done Over The Weekend +Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected +Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life +Storage Wars +George H.W. Bush Hasn't Seen Anyone From His Secret Service Detail In Years +Busy Mel Kiper, Jr. Still Finds Time To Throw Around The Old Spreadsheet With His Daughter +Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling To His Uncle To Hear His Fleetwood Mac Concert Stories +Man Just Wants To Come Home, Hear Lindsay Lohan Made Fun Of, Get Some Sleep +So, You Wanna Dance? +University Shuts Down Marijuana Rally +Arizona Toughens Immigration Laws In Attempt To Rid State Of Phoenix Coyotes +Golf Pretty Sure All Those Young Black Kids Inspired By Tiger Woods Should Have Arrived By Now +Shit, Friend Just Said Something To Obnoxious Drunk Guy On Bus +Norwegian Mass-Murderer Would Prefer Execution +Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening +Dick Clark Dead +Charlotte Bobcats Still Practicing For Some Reason +Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School +The Sinking Of The Titanic: 100 Years Later +GSA Under Fire +Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With Marinara Stain On It +Break Room Masters +Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer +Retail Sales Rise +Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan +Bring Your Laptop To The Corn Palace! +Space Shuttle Discovery Moves To D.C. +Joe Maddon Working On Creating Cool New Infield Position +FDA Urges Farmers To Eliminate Antibiotic Use +Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man +Celebrity Dreams +20% Of U.S. Adults Don't Use Internet +Dwight Howard Tells Reporters He's Very Unhappy In Milky Way Galaxy +Court: Employers Don't Have To Enforce Lunch Break +Trusted Sistine Chapel Janitor Convicted Of Sexually Abusing Last 4 Popes +April 20 +Every Team, Fan Base, Front Office Panicking +Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers +Newark Mayor Rescues Neighbor From Fire +Global Dementia To Triple By 2050 +Healthy, Nutritious Food Would Have Saved The Titanic +Toronto Raptors Think Of Really Good Comeback 10 Minutes After Losing Game +April 17 +Yankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck Down +Zimmerman Charged With Second-Degree Murder +U.S. Warns North Korea Not To Test Missile +Glass Ceiling Business +Dennis the Menace: The Later Years +Santorum Bows Out +Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination +Facebook Pays $1 Billion For Instagram +Sony Loses $6.4 Billion +Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election +April 15 +10-Year-Old Girl Gives Birth +NFL: Overtime Games To Be Decided By First Team To Do Something Really Fucking Awesome +Maternal Obesity May Be Autism Factor +Three Dead Kids +Pope Denounces Celibacy-Protesting Priests +NCAA Investigators Bust Into John Calipari's Office To Find He's Already Skipped Town +Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship +Top NHL Playoff Contenders +Awesome T-Shirt Cannon Party Interrupted By Nashville Predators Game +Yahoo! Lays Off 14% Of Workforce +Ryan Leaf Somehow Worse At Crime Than Football +Cambodian Antiquity To Be Seized +Phil Grayson +Sweeping New Labor Reforms Allow Foxconn Employees To Work In Inhumane Conditions From Home +Conservatives Believe In Science Less +Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading +Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment +Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital +Republicans Lose Ground With Women +Echolocation +Gerald Carnes +Flying Car A Reality +Manny Ramirez Trying To Train Birds To Carry His Pop Fly Balls Over Fence +Totally Predictable Ending To Wild NCAA Tournament Prepares Student-Athletes For The Rest Of Their Miserable, Ho-Hum Lives +Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That +Major Obama Donor Accused Of Fraud +Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced +Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball Stadium +Man Arrested Trying To Board Flight With M-80s +Esther Hatcher +Cupcake Truce +Todd Bishop And Nicole Soper +Jets Worry Tim Tebow Will Be Distracted By Wild New York Churchlife +Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension +Report: Majority Of Instances Of People Getting Lives Back On Track Occur Immediately After Visit To Buffalo Wild Wings +Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics +Southern White Rhinoceros +Ford Assembly Line Foreman Thinking About Asking Out Cute Welding Robot From Work +Secret Service Called Before Congress +Shadows Meet The Clouds, Gray On Gray, Like Dusty Charcoal On An Ashen Brow, Nation's Poets Report +Dylan, Albright, Morrison Receive Medal Of Freedom +The Big L +Romney Clinches Republican Nomination +Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll +Would you rather have Money Man or Black Guy as president? +Nabisco Tentatively Adds Hummus To List Of Approved Ritz Toppings +Shrieking Vilsack Wakes From Nightmare About Being Buried Alive By Giant Ear Of Corn +Lugar Will Not Campaign For Republican Nominee +Thom Cargill +Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List' +Big 12 Agrees To Annual Bowl Loss Against SEC +Hey, Everybody! This Cool New Tide Detergent Video Is Blowing Up All Over The Internet! +Area Man Winded After Particularly Lengthy Wendy's Order +PayPal Now Accepted At 15 Retailers +Exposed Brick +Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting +Jim Harbaugh Insists Michael Crabtree Has Best, Most Lickable Hands In NFL History +Solar Plane Makes First Intercontinental Flight +NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything +$lapping $trangers +Why Women's Professional Soccer Failed in the U.S. +Nation Mesmerized By Spurs' Dazzling Pass-Screen-Pass-Shoot Brand Of Offense +Undercurrent Of Inequality And Fear Roiling Just Beneath Surface Of '50s-Themed Diner +Spurs/Thunder +Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time +Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks +Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Greyhound Bus Station Are Fans Welcoming Team Home +Friends Of Friends +U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan +Wrigley Field Supporters Propose Tearing Down Rest Of Chicago +Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following +'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Series Reaches 10 Million Sales +Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial +Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case +Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims +Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversation With Parents Of Dorm's Blowjob Queen +U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000 +Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter +B +Egypt Holds First Presidential Elections +Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place +Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die +Catholic Orgs Sue Over Birth-Control Rule +Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest +Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits +David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain +Come On! There Has To Be One Person In This Goddamn School Who's Been Molested +Karzai Thanks U.S. Taxpayers For Covering Cost Of War +Couple Has Nest Egg Of Debt To Make Sure They've Got Some Money To Owe Down The Road +Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball' +Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions +News Team 9 Adventures +Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart +Every NBC Program To End With Character Straight Up Asking Viewers What Kind Of New TV Shows They Would Like To See +Donna Summer Dead +The Skeet Shooter +Jessica Tanley and Rodney Holl +Independent Baking Scene Apparently Worth A Documentary +Yankees To Rest Pitching Mound After 8 Innings Of CC Sabathia +Sculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence +Metta World Peace +Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game +The Return Of Eddie +Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms +Sweetener Makes You Dumber +Famous Flops In Sports +Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record +New DVR Can Skip Ads +Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice +Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman +Kristen Anderson and James Greene +Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance +Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force +Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States +Bush Endorses Romney +Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore +Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia +Swedish Rules Football +Area Man Pretty Shaken Up After Running Into Casual Acquaintance At CVS +First Private Flight To Space Station This Week +Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa +James Palmenteri and Valerie Skinner +Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line +Derek Jeter Admits He Only Plays The Game The Right Way For The Pussy +I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked +Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse +Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy +Holmes On Homes +Don't You Fret, America +Tiger Woods' Reputation Takes Another Hit After He Is Caught Operating A Coal Mine With Flagrant Disregard For OSHA Regulations +'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend +Was Romney A Bully? +'Game Of Thrones' Running Out Of Unkempt Old Men To Cast +General Mills Gives Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Intense Backstory Of Childhood Foster Home Abuse In Bizarre Rebranding Effort +JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion +Prince Fielder Urges Rookie To Choke Up On Burrito +Cliffhanger High +Guitar Music Fad Runs Course +Goodell's Toughest Rulings +Police Continue Investigation Into Body Found At Churchill Downs By Questioning Horse Of Interest +$80 Million Movie Scrapped After Footage Reveals Brad Pitt Had Spinach Stuck In Teeth For Entire Film +5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape +Not The New York Philharmonic +Tony Parker +Roger Goodell Tells Junior Seau's Family To Throw Brain In His Trunk With The Rest Of Them +Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years +North Pacific Experiences Waste Surge +Kentucky Derby Winner Hoping He Won't Have To Repeat What Was Easily Most Traumatic Experience Of Life +Brain Surgery Live Tweeted +Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe +Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race +Ahmadinejad Kind Of Getting Back Into Old R.E.M. Again +Dogs' Thoughts 'Read' With MRI +Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About +My Future Postman +North Carolina Bans Gay Marriage +Fracking Industry Now Largest Employer Of Recent PR Graduates +Consumer Borrowing Increases In March +Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage +Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook +Smoove Is Remodeling +Steve Nash Has Emotional Goodbye With Host Family +Maurice Sendak Dead At 83 +Film 'Neighborhood Watch' Gets Name Change +Maya Angelou Thought She’d Be Invited To More White House Stuff +Mundane Sex +Greeks Reject Bailout-Supporting Politicians +Rajon Rondo: 'I Have Too Many Father Figures On This Team' +Ashton Kutcher Ad Pulled Amid Charges Of Racism +Inaugural Paula Deen .05K Walk For Diabetes Research Course Map +Paula Deen Sponsors .05K Walk For Diabetes Research +'Supermoon' Biggest Of 2012 +This Is Fun, Right? +Rex Grossman Happy To Take An Afternoon To Teach Robert Griffin III Everything He Knows +Justice Breyer Unable To Look At Anything Without Deliberating Constitutionality Of It +Robert Griffin III +Mohamed Sanu Very Disappointed To Discover Second Call From Bengals Not A Prank +Half A Sleeve Of Oreos Lost In House Fire +NFL Draft Winners And Losers +Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows +DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days +The Dandelion Gang +Jacksonville 3rd-Round Pick Punter Bryan Anger: 'I Will Punt The Jaguars To Greatness' +Condo With All The Finest Craigslist Keywords! +Longtime Teacher Retires Without Changing A Single Student's Life +'The Scream' Sells For $119.9 Million +Cops Cleared On Corruption Charges After Implicating Decorated Police Dog +Remembering Dick Clark +Murdoch Blasted As Not Fit To Lead +Thing With Old Girlfriend Works With New Girlfriend +Obama Asks Staff To Try To Include National Security Adviser A Little More +Operation Repo +Jessica Simpson Has Baby +Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says +Wind Farms Cause Local Warming +Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does +Occupy Calls For General Strike +Grizzlies Annoyed They Went To Bed Instead Of Watching Clippers Improbable Comeback +An Entomologist's Dream! +Some Engineer Currently Designing Better ESPN Telestrator Instead Of Surgical Equipment +New Visa Talking Credit Card Urges Buyers To Go For It +As Long As My Child Does Something That Makes Him Happy And Wins The National Book Critics Circle Award For Fiction, I’ll Be Proud +Tourist Ban In Dutch Pot Cafés Upheld +Bud Selig +Bill Simmons Releases 2,000-Page Book Exploring How Fucking Clever He Is +Hottest 12 Months On Record +Whatevs House +David Duval Still Shilling Nike Golf Products Years After Contract Runs Out +Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise +Overhead Bins Grow To Hold Larger Carry-Ons +Your Dream Home! +Area Man Pretty Sure He Knows Which Athletes Are Gay +Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence +U.S. Facing Helium Shortage +Mike Holmgren Finally Admits To Friends That He's Working For Cleveland Browns +Syrian Fighter Pilot Granted Asylum +Behind The Down Pillow +Americans Pool Together $945.23 To Counteract Corporate Money's Influence In Politics +Mike Tyson's One-Man Broadway Show +Evolutionary Biologist Discovers Common Human Ancestor At Cousin's Wedding +Report: Baseball Favorite Sport Of Many Detroit Tigers Players +Last Shaman Standing +Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities +Tear-Stained Final Words +Romney Stares Uncomprehendingly At $1 Bill +Phil Mickelson's Shower Caddy Recommends Sudsy 9-Iron +Eating Disorders Common Among Older Women +New Commercials For Old Milwaukee Beer Feature Group Of Friends Contemplating Suicide +Fixer-"Downer"! +Sandusky Angry He's Not Going To Be Allowed To Tell The Tender, Romantic Side Of The Story +Frustrated Bob Ley Tasked With Explaining Concept Of Europe To ESPN Viewers +Eco-Conscious Marketing Firm Developing Alternative Sources Of Synergy +New Internet Destinations Created +Report: Moderate Drinking May Not Affect Fetus +Woman, Gay Best Friend Go On Another One Of Their Little Adventures +Groomzillas +Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador +Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement +Rich and Famous +Greece Votes In Pro-Euro Party +Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day +Little Weird White House +Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher? +I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good HBO Show +Latest Apple Maps Leaves Out Mass Transit +Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck +Teen Fetus +Romney Promises 'The Opposite' Of Obama On Israel +Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long +'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers +Americans Enjoying 3 Months Of Vegging Out Before Responsibilities Of Fall Programming Resume +Documentary About Something Jewish +62-Year-Old Colt Wins Belmont Stakes Senior Event +U.S. Improves Infrastructure With Transnational Power Strip +Report: Dad Proud Of You; He Won't Say It, But It's True +Capricious God Violently Shakes Ant Farm Day After Bestowing Orange Slices Upon Colony +American Under-Preppers +Stress Up Since 1983 +Manny Teaches Minor-League Teammates About God's Son Who Was Nailed To Two Crossed Bats +Why We Hate LeBron +Peer Group Forces Man To Have Opinion On 'Weird Al' +Obama Losing Global Appeal +Lance Armstrong's Bike: 'It Was Me' +Sunday, June 17 +HBO Apologizes For Bush Decapitation +NHL Gives Kings List Of Things Stanley Cup Is Allergic To +The Legacy Of Ray Bradbury +'It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen,' Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts +Town Fines For Public Cursing +Middle-Aged Woman Angrily Demanding Price Check On Rice Pudding Was Once Carefree Youth, Onlookers Speculate +Don't Trust The B—— In Apartment 23 +First Lady Joins Pinterest +Few Years In Military Would Have Really Straightened Out Troubled Teen Killed On First Tour Of Afghanistan +Americans' Wealth Down 40% +Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder +Friday, June 15 +Heat/Thunder +People More Likely To Die On Birthdays +I Had The Idea For YouTube Back In 2010 +Miami Heat Spend Entire Plane Ride To Game 1 Planning Victory Parade +Herculean Effort, Astronomical Expense Lead To Photo Of Whole Family At Disney World +'Car Talk' Comes To An End +Man On Verge Of Self-Realization Instead Turns To God +AMC Roast Of Matthew Weiner +Bats Shooed Out Of Nation's Waterslide Tunnels In Preparation For Summer +Commerce Secretary Involved In Hit-And-Run +Disappointing Indy 500 Viewership Prompts Organizers To Hold Race Again This Weekend +Tesla To Sell Cars In Malls +Peter Jackson Opens Up About His Personal Hobbit Friends In Beginnings Of Genius Marketing Campaign Or Full-On Mental Breakdown +The Northernmost Corner Of Your Room +The Dunham Group +Tired Twins Ask If They Can Stop Swinging Bat All The Way Around +Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads +Jonathan Quick +Goldman Sachs Hires Single Morally Decent Human Being To Work In Separate, Enclosed Cubicle +Nurse Jackie +High School Seniors Texting While Driving +The Looming NFL Referee Strike +NASCAR To Discontinue Having Kids Rush Onto Track To Wipe Up Skid Marks During Races +More And More Athletes Using Social Media To Confirm Every Stereotype Greater Public Had About Them +Obama Raises $60 Million In May +Local Grandmother Beginning To Realize Family Never Even Looked For Better Nursing Home +Report: Mood In Spurs Locker Room +Houston, We Have Some FUN! +LinkedIn Passwords Hacked +NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas +Man Arrested For Stealing More Than $50,000 In Beards From Hank Williams, Jr. +Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd +Disney Bans Junk Food Ads +The Bachelor's +Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill +Physicists Discover Our Universe Is Fictional Setting Of Cop Show Called 'Hard Case' +New Preventative Drug Would Kill People Before They Get Alzheimer's +Herman Cain To Get Talk-Radio Show +Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space +Report: People Talking About Soccer, But There’s No World Cup This Year So It Must Be Something Else +My Great-Grandfather Started This Business With One Simple Mission That We Abandoned Decades Ago +First Disk Of Rosetta Stone Hungarian Just Urges Listeners To Rethink This Whole Thing +Earhart Died On Pacific Island +4-Year-Old Shows New Doll The Ropes +And Then They Fall In The Pool +Dangerous Mutated Strain Of Fernandomania Discovered In Rural China +Richard Dawson Dead +The Definitive Legal Knowledge Quiz (Qualifies as Bar Exam in Several States) +George Lucas Retiring? +Ann Romney Says Husband Has Deeply Principled Side No One Ever Sees In Public +The Onion's Interactive Police Blotter +Ellen Cooper +Deadliest Catch: Fish Perspective +Man Putting Huge Amount of Pressure On Self To Excel At Completely Meaningless Activity +Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose +MLB Unsure Why It Ever Agreed To Hold League-Wide 'Teeny Tiny Boy Shorts Day' +DHS Creates Fenced-In Enclosure For Al-Qaeda To Safely Carry Out Attacks +Dinner For One +NYC Hopes To Ban Oversized Sodas +Orioles: We Have Enough Talent To Win 5 More Games This Season +Greatest Team Anthems +Quaker Scientists Formulate World's Oldest-Fashioned Oatmeal +Mormons To March In Gay Pride Parade +NBA Arrested For Marijuana Possession +Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too +NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules' +World Leader Wondering Why He Just Met With The Former Governor Of Massachusetts +Seal Flu Could Infect Humans +Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now +U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team Thinks It Has Let Entire Nation Down +I'm Truly Sorry For This, But You're About To Hear All About The Last Marathon I Ran +Iran Urges Population To Have More Babies +Pictures Of Smiling Group Of People Taken Where John Lennon Was Murdered +James Garfield: America's Forgotten Lizard-Man President +Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals +370 Million Without Power In India +Wendy's Wants Consumers To Know It's Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage +Son, 'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue Consummate Relationship +Storms Could Deplete Ozone Layer Above U.S. +Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle +The Hell You Are Wearing That +David Koch +Texas A&M Fans Celebrate 1999 Alamo Bowl Victory Over Penn State +Disastrous Ad Campaign Appeals To Basic Human Intelligence +Andy Reid Grumbles Something About Rebuilding Mode As Sandwich Falls Apart In Hands +Ashley Hamilton +Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony +Wedding DJ Finally Gets The Chance To Listen To Some Black Eyed Peas On His Own Time +Aldo Montano +Lauren Jackson +Qiu Bo +Sarah Attar +James Magnussen +Yelena Isinbayeva +Kenenisa Bekele +Sir Chris Hoy +Oscar Pistorius +Usain Bolt +International Olympians To Watch In 2012 +Disney World Visitors Contract Mystery Illness +Nation's Moms On Olympic Opening Ceremony: 'Buckle The Fuck Up, It's Going To Be A Wild-Ass Ride' +Pawn Stars +Miami Dolphins Wish 'Hard Knocks' Crew Would Stop Openly Talking About How Bad They Are +Trivial Pursuit Game Reveals Man Lacks Knowledge Of Basic Social Skills +Justin Upton +Computer Virus May Be Blasting AC/DC In Iran +Michael Phelps Using Rosetta Stone To Brush Up On His English +Terry Molin +Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities +Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster +New Apple Campaign Urges Consumers To Buy iPhone For Other Hand +Anaheim Police Chief John Welter: 'Look, Our Job Is To Shoot People' +Holley Mangold +Ryan Lochte +Jordyn Wieber +Lolo Jones +Kim Rhode +Missy Franklin +Tyson Gay +Maya Moore +LeBron James +Michael Phelps +US Olympians To Watch In 2012 +Kim Jong-Un Volunteers For First Shift Of Wife's Suicide Watch +Speculation About Romney's Taxes +Catholic Leader Jailed For Covering Up Abuse +Fred Willard A Huge Hit At Counseling Session +Drought Bad +Gun Sales Surge After Shooting +Report: 2012 Election Likely To Be Decided By 4 Or 5 Key Swing Corporations +Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, And Daniel Day-Lewis Come Out As Gay +Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians +Mitt Romney Soars In Polls After Leaving Country +Man Who Just Purchased 3,000 Rounds Of Ammunition Online Perfectly Sane, Thinks Man Processing Order +Sally Ride Dies +FDA Approves Of What New Drug Is Going For +Uncle Ben's To Compete Against Apple With Brand-New Smartphone +Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad +George W. Bush Not Attending RNC +Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich +Para-Pa-Legal +Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web Videos +International AIDS Conference Attendees Receive Complimentary Gift Bag Full Of Awesome AIDS Gear +21 Burned At Tony Robbins Event +Talking Head In Walter Payton Documentary Clearly Doesn't Know Payton Is Dead +Iron Dumped In Ocean Might Slow Global Warming +Romney Requiring Potential Running Mates To Write 5,000 Word Essay On Favorite Things About Money +The Pretending Hour +Brother-In-Law's Latest Money-Making Scheme Involves Starting PGA Championship Golf Course +The Best Of 'Saturday Night Live' Goodbyes +Fan Prefers Tarantino's Early Work When He Was Shelving Movies All Day At Video Store +Details Of Paterno Family's Internal Report +Man Who Cut Off Seymour Hersh In Traffic Subject Of 20-Page 'New Yorker' Exposé +Exhausted Cyclists Ask For Some Drugs So They Can Finish Tour De France +Big Money! +Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss +Some Fucking Guy At Warner Bros. Wondering What Shooting Of 12 Means For Ticket Sales +NRA: 'Please Try To Remember All The Wonderful Things Guns Do For Us Every Day' +Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out +Matt Forte Suffers Career-Ending Contract With Chicago Bears +Area Dad Points Out Place That Has Great Reuben Sandwiches +Nelson Mandela Turns 94 +Additional Findings Show Every Penn State Student, Alumnus Also Knew About Ongoing Child Molestation +Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Parole +Chris Christie To Deliver RNC Keynote Speech +Christian Bale Glad To Be Done With Most Humiliating Experience Of Professional Life +European Debt Crisis Solutions +Romney Tailors Nursing Home Visit To Those Who Will Still Be Alive On Election Day +Boy Scouts Reaffirm Policy Banning Gays +Kevin Youkilis Takes Out Full-Page Ad In 'Juggs' To Thank All The Trim In Boston +'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents +Coachella To Be Held On Cruise Ship +More People Turning To YouTube For News +God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation +Jeremy Lin's Departure Teaches Knicks Fans Important Lesson About Getting Excited By The Knicks +London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards +Scientists Say U.S. May Have Discovered Previously Unknown Level Of Not Caring About Syria +My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids vs. Can We Please, Just Once, Have A Real Teacher +Australia May Drop Great White’s Protected Status +New Study Finds Americans Need 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work +So You Think You Can Win A Presidential Medal Of Freedom? +Joe Paterno's Name To Remain On Joe Paterno Center For Covering Up Sexual Abuse +London Authorities Shut Off Springsteen, McCartney Mics +Romney Comes Clean, Admits He Made $32 Trillion In 2006 +World's Greatest Athlete Forced Back Into Diamond Mine At Gunpoint +Commanding General In Afghanistan Has No Idea How War Is Going, Just Trying To Ignore It At This Point +Steven Tyler Leaving 'American Idol' +Tim Duncan Scrubs In To Perform Teammate's Arthroscopic Knee Surgery +Andrew McCutchen +'Jesus, What Is It Now?' Says Man Putting Down Swamp Thing Comic To Answer Phone Call From Wife +Rolling Stones Turn 50 +Katie Holmes Glad She Can Finally Practice Scientology In Peace +Great Moments In Electric Football History +New Comic Features Aquaman As 45-Year-Old Single Father To Troubled Flounder +Creepy Fan In Bleachers Watching You More Than Game +Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo +Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue +Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market +Daniel Tosh Chuckles Through Own Violent Rape +House Votes To Repeal 'Obamacare' +Comic Book Movies Dominate Summer Box Office +Freeh Report: Joe Paterno Burning In Hell Right Now +Owner Of Independent Comic Book Store In Ohio Not Quite Sure How He's Still In Business +Peter O'Toole Retires +'Dark Knight Rises' Opts For Lighthearted, Cartoonish Tone +Romney Receives 20-Minute Standing Ovation At NAAWP Event +Romney Courts Black Voters With NAACP Speech +David Ortiz Asks Kansas City Grounds Crew To Turn Off Stadium Lights So Teams Can See All The Stars +'Richie Rich' Comics Introduces New, Even Gayer Character +Russia Ends Sales Of Weapons To Syria +Comic-Con Once Again Marred By Increasingly Popular Bully-Con +Dog Owners Have Healthier Babies +Obama Pledges To Repeal Health Care Law If Reelected +Comics Not Just For Kids Anymore, Reports 85,000th Mainstream News Story +Time In Outer Space Lengthens Worms' Lives +This Roller Coaster Fails To Capture The Spirit Of My Heroic Adventures +George Zimmerman Not Going To Let One Bad Experience Deter Him From Neighborhood Watch Responsibilities +Romney Raises Record-Breaking $106 Million +Economically Healthy 'Daily Planet' Now Most Unrealistic Part Of Superman Universe +Giraffes Of The Kalahari +Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman +Mexican Program Aims To Reach Drug Lords Before They Get Caught Up In Cartels +George Clooney Beginning To Think He Should Buy His Own Tuxedo +The Rookie +Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976 +Dr. J +International Olympic Medal Incentives +Richard Janosch and Carla DeVore +Man Sneaks In Mid-Snack Nibble +Nation's Couples Hit Rough Spell +Hitchin' +Man Who Pulls Up With Music Pumping Probably Coming From Someplace Cooler +New Study Finds 85% Of Americans Don't Know All The Dance Moves To National Anthem +Margaret Jones and Todd Jacobson +Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Completes Horror Movie Script About Giant Hook From Sky Killing People +Anchower's Gotta Spend Some Time Away +Nation Celebrates Independence Day +Congress Raises Livestock Minimum Wage To $6.50 Per Hour +I Can Dance—Now What? +Dodgers Grounds Crew Places Tarp Over Unsightly Crowd +Great, Now It's Turned Into A Whole Big Thing +Report On Continuing Plight Of Millions Of Unemployed Americans Results In Round Of High-Fives At Romney Campaign Headquarters +Fussy J.J. Hardy Refuses To Stand On Nonorganic Dirt +Days Of Our Lives +Clint Eastwood Gives Bizarre Speech +Cowboys Give Dez Bryant List Of Rules He Can Break +Features Of LeBron James' New Shoe +Doctors: Sidney Crosby Has Greatly Improved Ability To Hide Concussion Symptoms Lately +'You Did Great!' Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood +'A Cashier At Our Davenport Location Did What?' Disgusted Sbarro CEO Asks +Lohan Banned From Hotel For $46,000 Unpaid Bill +Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination +Valiant Fact-Checkers Once Again Save American Political System From Descending Into Corruption +Vince Young Rewatches 2006 Rose Bowl Game Alone At Bus Depot +New Orleans Survives Hurricane +Patty Reese and Ken Sanders +Romney's Acceptance Speech To Avoid Mentioning Personal, Professional, Religious, Political Life +Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son +Piracy Down Sharply Off African Coast +World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious +John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech +Rodent-Borne Virus Kills 2 At Yosemite +Tim Darje +Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online +Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot +Do you agree with the Netflix board of directors' decision that 'Michael' is stream worthy? +Pediatricians Tout Benefits Of Circumcision +Netflix Board Of Directors Meets To Decide If 'Michael' Is Stream Worthy +Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce +Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd +Will.i.am To Debut New Song On Mars +Democratic Scouts Head To Tampa To Get Closer Look At Mitt Romney +Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride +Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago +Report: More Than 280 Yao Mings Killed By Chinese Poachers In 2012 +Here Are All Of My Opinions +NYPD Criticized For Shooting Amid Crowds +Stars Earn Stripes +GOP Convention To Feature Strong Lineup Of Conservative Women Listeners +RNC Builds Levee Out Of Poor People To Protect Convention Site +Things That Shouldn't Be Said In Modern Society To Be Said At Least 1,400 Times At RNC +Neil Armstrong Dies +Desperate Angels Deactivate, Reactivate Vernon Wells To See If That Works +Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content +Bunch Of Numbers From Where Daddy Works Means No Trip To Disney World +Law & Order: D.A.R.E. Unit +Annette and Barrett Carnell +John Daly Injured After Vicious Hit During Arena Golf Tournament +School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory +Nathan Kroger +Roger Clemens +Jerry Sandusky Somehow Coaching Little League World Series Team +Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony +Haven’t We All Done Steroids, In A Way? +Lance Armstrong Lets Down Single Person Who Still Believed Him +Frozen Man +Orlando Magic 2012-13 Season Preview Guide To Feature Photo Of Arena On Cover +John Lennon's Murderer Denied Parole +Augusta National's Social Progress +Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis +Navy SEAL Pens Memoir Of Bin Laden Raid +Nation's Underfunded Public Education System To Experiment With Shortened 6-Day School Year +Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting +U.S. Headed For 'Fiscal Cliff' +New Memoir Reveals Navy SEAL Bounced A Few Book Ideas Off Bin Laden Before Killing Him +Queen Elizabeth Annoyed Nude Pictures Of Prince Harry Don't Show Anything Good +College Newspaper Endorses Barack Obama +Michael J. Fox Returning To TV +Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now +U.S. Military Sends A Few More Of Those Things Over To Afghanistan To Replace Dead Ones +Tommy Wilcox, 7, died Wednesday, exactly six minutes after he and his friends found an old set of lawn darts in his family's garage. +Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook +Hurricane Could Strike RNC +Poll Reveals You Live In Country Where Mentally Ill Man Still Has Good Chance Of Being Senator +2nd-Grade Teacher Can't Believe How Much Fatter They Keep Getting +Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him +Restrictive Voter Laws On The Rise +Myanmar Ends Media Censorship +Apple Becomes Largest U.S. Company Ever +New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans +Ask A Freshman English Class Going Around The Room And Saying A Little Bit About Themselves +Cornell To Install Suicide-Prevention Nets +Augusta National Admits First 'Woman' +Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework +Republicans Condemn Akin's Comments As Blemish On Party's Otherwise Spotless Women's Rights Record +Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate +I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is 'I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being' +America's Got Rabies +6th-Grade Teacher Seen Making Out With GameStop Dude +David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning +Congressman: Pregnancy Rarely Results From 'Legitimate Rape' +Wal-Mart's International Growth Falters +College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made +Terrell Owens Having Trouble Deciding Which Seahawks Quarterback To Undermine +Breaking Bad +Croatian Prime Minister Currently Stuck Under Pile Of Turnips +Brian Urlacher Confident He'll Be Ready To Sit Out Opener +Strongside/Weakside: Rory McIlroy +Torrent Time +Woman Has Bizarre Ability To Share Details About Personal Life With Parents +Evangelical Hospital Holds 5th Annual Gayness Cure Walk +Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career +Popeye's Home Boiglerized +Pussy Riot Convicted +Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory +Mutant Butterflies Found Near Fukushima +Ground Emerges As Tim Tebow's Favorite Target +CDC Study Finds Decrease In Oral Sex Among Teens When Researchers Are Observing +Ugandan Powerball Jackpot Hits 31 Grains Of Rice +Dallas Declares State Of Emergency +'Huffington Post' Launches Some Sort Of New Thing +Not Even Julian Assange Clear On What's Going On With Him Right Now +Not For Sale +Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans +Illegal Immigrants Apply To Stay In U.S. +Scientists Teach Chimpanzee To Conduct 3-Year Study On Primates +Area Woman's Hair Always Wet +A Whole Lot Of House +Lost Pyramids Found On Google Earth? +Contrasting Characters +Mars Rover's Discoveries +After-Work Drinks Enter Third Excruciating Minute +It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself +Man Thanks God He's Not Sexually Attracted To Children +Presidential Debate To Have Female Moderator +Sources Close To Team Wish They Could Talk With Reporters About Something Other Than Rumors For A Change +Ryan Begins Attacking Romney's Record As Massachusetts Governor +Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test +Mike Krzyzewski Leads Ragtag Band Of Rejects To Olympic Gold +Paul Ryan Wondering If He Should Have Told Romney About This Guy He's Dating +Beyoncé Sings At U.N. +The World Series Of Roulette +Admit It, I Scare The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of You, Don't I? +Jennifer Aniston Engaged To Guy Who Frankly Will Never Replace Brad +Caravan Traveling U.S. To Oppose Drug War +Your Republican Friend To Explain Why Paul Ryan Is Great Choice +Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan? +Area Mom Can't Believe She Has To Drive All The Way Out To Rockland For Son's Little League Game +Stressed-Out Men Prefer Heavier Women +Coworker With Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around +Occasional Butts +Nation's Economists Quietly Evacuating Their Families +Subway Releases Pool-Water-Soaked Sandwiches To Honor Michael Phelps' Retirement +Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting +Gabby Douglas +New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve +Thursday, August 16 +Area Man Confident He Could Design Way Cooler Medal Stand +Andrea Kremer Proves Journalistic Prowess By Asking Olympian How That Felt +Just Give Us Five Episodes +Colorado Shooter Being Evicted +Lakers Accidentally Trade For 7-Inch-Tall Center Dwink Howard +Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims +Cain Train +Herman Cain Lifts Suspension Of Presidential Campaign +Gaffes By NFL Replacement Referees +July Was Hottest Month Ever In U.S. +Gabby Douglas Excited To Return To Her Abnormal, Totally Fucked-Up Life +Al Michaels, Bob Costas Not Even Sure Who's Who Anymore +U.S. Cleaning Up Agent Orange In Vietnam +Saturday, August 11 +Weird, Area Woman Wasn’t Harassed Today +NASA Calls It A Mission As Curiosity Rover Fills Up Whole 2-Gigabyte Memory Card +'Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,' New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges +Now That Man Has Heard About Barack Obama, He Sees References To Him All Over The Place +Graphic Anti-Smoking Ads Effective +Friday, August 10 +'Hatecore' Music Used As Recruitment Tool +Biden's eBay Feedback Rating Dips Below 35 Percent +Bugs In Your Body +Study: Pretending Everything's Okay Works +Drought Ravages U.S. +Tucson Shooter Switches Plea To 'Guilty' +Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession +LeBron James Admits Current USA Basketball Team Couldn't Beat 2012 Miami Heat +Buster Olney Encourages His Children to Submit Any Questions They Might Have About Homework, Sex, or Trade Rumors to @Buster_ESPN +Wikipedia Offline After Cables Cut +Foundation Honored For Work With Developmentally Disabled Celebrities +'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg +Clint Eastwood Endorses Romney +I'm Proud Of All My Songs, Even The Ones I Stole From People I Heard At Open-Mic Nights +2012 World Series Of Darts +Michele Bachmann Thankful No Americans Died In Sikh Shooting +Mars Rover Lands Safely +NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky +Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us' +Mood In Gotham City Rogues Training Camp Upbeat +'Vertigo' Named Top Movie Of All Time +Romney Stuck In Endless Loop Of Uncomfortable Chuckling +Struggling Marlins Begin Construction On New Stadium +Spelling Bees +Phelps Drowns +Breathtaking Easter Island +Nation Still Reeling From Mega-Success Of 'Mr. Popper's Penguins' +Andrew Luck Cut From Colts After Overthrowing Wide-Open Receiver +The World's Leakiest Faucets +Man Doesn’t Even Do Good Job At Sleeping +Olympic Surprises +Unemployment Rate Up +Andrei Kirilenko +Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn +Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden +Hungary's Szilagyi Pulls Off Upset In—Christ, One More Week Of This? +Hotmail Rebranded Outlook.com +Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own' +Peyton On Beginning Of Manning Era In Denver: ‘I Will Break My Neck’ +Bob Costas About 2 Seconds Away From Comparing Badminton Scandal To 1919 Black Sox +FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor +Badminton World Rocked By Worst Scandal Since Dad Tapped Aunt Carla's Ass With Racket +Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes +Michael Phelps Asks Bob Costas If He Wins Or Loses Tonight +Human Culture Much Older Than Thought +Argument Between Employees Shatters Illusion Of Professionalism Traditionally Associated With Walgreens +Dateline +Iced Tea Festival +Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital +Nation's Lower Class At Least Grateful It Not Part Of Nation's Middle Class +Democrats To Call For Same-Sex Marriage +300 Million Without Electricity In India After Restoration Of Power Grid +Vikings vs. Lions +The Science Of Sex +Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person +Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow Warm Up By Throwing Ball In Direction Of One Another +Texting-While-Fielding Causes Record Number Of Outfield Collisions +You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly +Netanyahu Feeling Like Trip To US To Start World War III Went Pretty Well +Tommy Lee Jones Tells Jimmy Fallon He Doesn't Want To Play Any Of His Little Fucking Games +Voting Begins In Iowa +Nobody Can Quite Make Out If Lou Holtz Just Went On An Anti-Muslim Rant On ESPN +Robot Butler +D.C. Residents Can Remember Exactly Who They Were Murdering When Nationals Clinched First Ever Playoff Berth +California Legalizes Self-Driving Cars +Saturday, September 29 +Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro +New Chemical Element Created +Man Going To Show Up To Launch Of J.K. Rowling's New Book Dressed As Severus Snape Anyway +Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans +NFL: 'We Want To Protect The Integrity Of Our Brutal, Inhuman Game' +Insurance Company Celebrates 50 Billionth Fucking Over Of Customer +Castrated Men May Live Longer +NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees +Thursday, September 27 +My Ex-Girlfriend Must Be Getting Pretty Desperate To Keep Answering All Of My Calls +Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines +Madonna Endorses 'Black Muslim' Obama +Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building' +Romney's Campaign Gaffes +Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision +Pediatricians: Stop Using Trampolines +Neil Armstrong's Wife Glad To Finally Get Rid Of All The Space Hobby Crap +Office Cheering On Employee Going For 32-Minute Nonstop Work Streak +George W. Bush Returns To America After Spending 4 Years In The Himalayas +Obama Tough On Iran At U.N. +BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead +Steve Young Suffers Concussion Attempting To Explain Final Call In Packers, Seahawks Game +Life Spans Fall For Low-Educated Whites +Newly Unemployed Woman Enjoys Equal Pay For First Time In Career +Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week +Pennsylvania Republican Doubts Vote He Just Suppressed Would Even Have Made A Difference +Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama +The Bird Sniffer +Voter ID Laws May Bar 10 Million Latinos +Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids +Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time +Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73 +Man With 'Popcorn Lung' Awarded $7 Million +48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech +It Literally Impossible To State How Unimportant Next 3 Hours Are +Congress Concerned About Weirdo Senator’s Increasingly Violent Legislation +Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes +That Chair Over There +Romeo Crennel Puts French Fries Tag On Matt Cassel +Patriots vs. Ravens +Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early +Fearless Man Bravely Ventures Out Into U.S. Economy +Drunk Women Find Their Run Across Busy Street Hilarious +Jubilant 7-Year-Old Fan Of Arizona Cardinals Doesn’t Even See It Coming +Amish Group Guilty Of Hate Crime +Bobby Valentine: 'The Red Sox Suck Shit This Year And I Hate All My Players' +'Worrisome' Levels Of Arsenic In Rice +Sports Fan Swings By ESPN Headquarters To Check Latest Scores +New, Lighter iPhone Hailed By Exhausted, Humpbacked iPhone 4 Users +Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad' +Panthers vs. Giants +Anniversary Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repeal +Joe Flacco Silences Supporters Once And For All With Terrible Fourth-Quarter Performance +Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While +Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around +There Will Be Smells +'What About That Whole Birth Certificate Thing?' Romney Suggests To Staff +Obesity To Skyrocket By 2030 +Prince Harry Humiliates Royal Family Yet Again As Base Invaded By Afghan Insurgents +Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image +French Magazine Runs Muhammad Cartoons +Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate +Posthumously Recorded Bob Dylan Album Receives Rave Reviews +Andrew Luck Gets First Whatever It’s Called When You Beat The Minnesota Vikings +Romney Aide: Campaign Light On Details +Now That My Campaign Is Over, I'd Like To Talk To You All About The Church Of Latter-Day Saints +Report: It's Not Okay To Just Start Talking To People You Don’t Know +Harry Kalas Narrates Steve Sabol's Ascension To Heaven +Romney Campaign Sends In Champion Of The Poor Paul Ryan For Damage Control +The Amtower Family +MythBusters +Teen Sexting Linked To Having Sex +Romney Apologizes To Nation's 150 Million 'Starving, Filthy Beggars' +'Okay, Gene, Let's Just Get Through This,' Marketing Executive Beginning Day Tells Self +Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child +Netanyahu: Iran 6 Months From Bomb +Henry Freiberg +Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin +Panda Born At National Zoo +Fun-Loving Turtle All Business When It's Feeding Time +Stephen A. Smith Thinking Son Is Finally Ready For The Sex Argument +Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days +Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory +USA Today Redesigned +Ray Rice +Ndamukong Suh +Peyton Manning +Three Players To Watch In Week 2 +Redskins Fans Can't Remember How To Cheer A Quarterback +Report: Calvin Johnson Probably Works Out Fairly Often +Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now +St. Louis Mayor Has Sad Little Plan For Turning City Into High-Tech Hub +Whole Museum Visit Spent Feeling Guilty About Moving On From Paintings +Fed Admits Up Until Now U.S. Has Just Been Coasting Off Money From 'Avatar' +Mark Carson +Kate Middleton Topless Photos Published +Janoris Jenkins Claims He Got Laid During Interception Return +Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Student Violence +Explosion Seen On Jupiter +Overconfident Dolphins Already Talking About Going Perfect 0-16 +Legal Loophole In Art Modell's Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever +Frustrated Roger Goodell Trying To Find Live Stream Of Bears, Packers Game +Bears vs. Packers +No One Murdered Because Of This Image +Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym +Older Brother Playing With Younger Brother On Swing Set Will One Day Con Him Out Of $50,000 +New Monkey Discovered +Romney: 'We Should Never Apologize For American Values Or Japanese Internment Camps' +Report: Majority Of Americans Stopped Paying Attention Several Words Ago +Katie Couric Talk Show Dominates Ratings +Emergency Room Law Firm +New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path +Anti-Islam Movie Incites Violence +iPhone 5 Features +Magazine Article About Mindy Kaling Fails To Mention She’s A Woman +Mitt Romney Reaches Out To Young Voters With Laser Tag Pizza Party +Your Honor, This Is Going To Sound Silly, But How Am I Doing So Far? +Apple Announces New iPhone With N-Word On Back Knowing Customers Will Buy It Anyway +Mayor Of Trenton Arrested +Paul Ryan Knocked Over By Pack Of Rambunctious Romney Boys +NBC Honors 9/11 Anniversary By Releasing New Matthew Perry Sitcom +China's Next Leader Vanishes +20th Century Fox Green-Lights 'United 93 vs. Predator' +9/11 Truther Convinced Government Destroyed Past 11 Years Of His Life +18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier +Sea Otters Fight Climate Change +FBI Receives Credible Information About Terrorist Attack On Sept. 11, 2001 +What If They Had A Beard? +Blissful Ignorance Commemorated On Annual 9/10 Anniversary +Target Pulls All Sponsorship From Publicly Ignored Syrian Conflict +Chicago Teachers Go On Strike +Nationals Ensure Strasburg Doesn't Pitch By Removing Tendons From Arm +Hang-Gliding Putin Leads Flock Of Birds +Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4 +Broncos Receivers Keep Forgetting They Can Run Farther Than 5 Yards Downfield On Passing Plays +Steelers/Broncos +Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary +New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals +NFL On Fox +San Diego Zoo Displays First Rhino Stillborn In Captivity +Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover +Everyone In Improv Troupe Balding +Mother Knows Perfect Picture To Publicize If Daughter Ever Abducted +Homeless Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Parents +Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected +Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns +One Direction Wins Big At VMAs +Guess Whose Sister Is A Bitch? +Highlights Of The DNC +Elephant Poaching Up Dramatically +Cubs Fans Now Too Fat To Attend Games +Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness' +Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87 +Rising Star John Kerry's Stirring Speech Paves Way For 2016 Presidential Run +Obama's Speech Moved Indoors +NFL To Reduce Penalties By Installing Hundreds Of Security Cameras +Guantánamo Prisoners Released Into Cheering DNC Crowd +Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC +Andy Roddick Retires At Top Of Everyone Else's Game +Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases +Organic Food No More Nutritious +Prince Charles Thinks Boys Are Finally Old Enough To Hear What Happened To Their Mother +Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis +S'More Than Just S'Mores! +Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama +Cowboys/Giants +McDonald's To Open Vegetarian Restaurants +'Breaking Bad' Creator Thinking Maybe Next Season Should Take Dark Turn +Tonight's DNC Program To Be Just 3 Hours Of Osama Bin Laden's Blown-Off Face Projected Onto Screen +Adam Levine Receives Promotion To Senior Lead Singer Of Maroon 5 +Clint Eastwood To Publish New Autobiography: 'I…Where You're Alive And They—You Write A Book About You' +Scientists Able To Restore Sense Of Smell? +Good Evening, It's An Honor To Be Used As A Political Prop By My Husband's Campaign +DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino +Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention +DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008 +Democratic National Convention Opens +Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod +Retired Kurt Warner Dropping By Cardinals Training Camp Periodically To Make Sure Team Still Using Clean Language +I Wish My Parents Would Stop E-Mailing Naked Pictures Of Me To Their Friends +5,000 Killed In Syria In August +Nation Tired Of Having To Skim Past Headlines About Apple, Samsung Lawsuit +Sun Myung Moon Funeral To Be All Weird, Sources Report +Americans Take Day Off From Looking For Work +Airplane Bird Strikes On The Rise +Report: Average American Consumes 156 Pounds Of Sugar Per Year But Would Like To Consume Much More +Chiefs Realize Brady Quinn Received 'Frog And Toad Are Friends' Instead Of Playbook +Gun vs. Knives +Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries +Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen +Paul Ryan Cuts $120 Million In Wasteful Spending From Romney Campaign +Minor-League Baseball Player Has No Idea Which Team's Farm System He's In Anymore +Romney Privately Wondering How In The Name Of Fuck He’s Going To Appeal To Asian Voters +Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant +Sean Pickens +Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video +Nation Suddenly Realizes This Just Going To Be A Thing That Happens From Now On +Sandy's Economic Toll Could Reach $50 Billion +Report: Only Way Nation Will Pay Attention To Climate Change Is If Julia Roberts Dies In Hurricane +Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger +The Word 'Spooktacular' Used To Mean Something In This Country +Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate +Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House +The Onion's Issue-By-Issue Candidate Guide +Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood +Candidates' Last-Minute Appeals To Voters +Increased Negative Campaigning Reveals Previously Hidden Ugly Side Of Politics +Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles +Celtics vs. Heat +Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit +Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train +Oh, Right, World Series +Superstorm Sandy Kills 38 +Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane +New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie +Election FAQ +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 30, 2012 +Quitting Smoking Adds Decade To Women's Lives +Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy +Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries +20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store +Hurricane Gives Holed-Up Couple Great Chance To Have All Those Fights They've Been Avoiding +Nation Suddenly Remembers Simple Comforts Of Having Out-Of-Touch White Man Run Country +Hurricane Sandy Slams East Coast +Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day +Secretary Of Transportation Spends 3 Hours Cleaning Up Wikipedia Page On Roundabouts +'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office +Major League Baseball World Series +Jim Leyland's Daughter Takes Off Work To Help Father Through World Series +Falcons vs. Eagles +Endangered Wildlife To Be Given New Identities In Species Protection Program +Dwight Howard Makes Talking Look Almost Effortless During Lakers Press Conference +Stadium Humors Old Man On Stage, Sings Along to 'Hey Jude' +Meat Loaf Endorses Romney +Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President +U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China +I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay +Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco +Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode +U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer +The Price Is Right +Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation +U.S. Sues Bank Of America For $1 Billion +On David Stern Retiring As NBA Commissioner In 2014 +Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation +Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year +I Mean, If I Lose To Mitt Romney, I'll Probably Kill Myself +Billionaire Gives $100 Million To Central Park +God Distances Self From Christian Right +World Series 2012: Tigers vs. Giants +Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date +'Mother Mary Was Essentially Raped,' Mourdock Says While Digging Self Into Deeper Hole +WNBA Title Only Makes Indianapolis That Much More Bleak +Founding Forks +Senate Candidate: 'God Intended' Pregnancies From Rape +Fact-Checking The Debates +Trump Announces He's A Very Sad Man +Monster Energy Drink Cited In 5 Deaths +Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers +On The Marlins Firing Ozzie Guillen +Coworker Hastily Leaves Break Room To Avoid 'Here Comes The Boom' Spoilers +Apple Unveils iPad Mini +Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates +This Last Story Ever Written About Cycling +Boys Now Entering Puberty Younger +Top 10 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 23, 2012 +Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack +Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin +Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere +Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America +Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All +Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing +How The States Got Their Shapes +Romney Foreign Policy Debate Prep In Crisis Mode After Discovering Existence Of Country Called 'Womania' +RomneyLabs Concocts 'Doomsday Zinger' Capable Of Swinging Any Debate, However Lopsided +Government Offers $50,000 To Stop Robocalls +Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs +Ravens vs. Texans +Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance +Ravens Already Dreading Ray Lewis Constantly Being On Sideline For Rest Of Season +NFL Still Removing Confused Replacement Referees From Replay Booths +'I Feel Your Pain,' Romney Tells Campaign Rally Attendees Who Make $20 Million A Year +Boy Scouts Release Sex-Abuse Documents +Paramedics Rush To Revive God Following Latest Suicide Attempt +Heightened League Awareness Prompts B.J. Raji To Schedule Breast Exam +New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Died In Cretaceous Period Hospice +The Onion Endorses John Edwards For President +'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV +Cancer-Stricken Chuck Pagano Annoyed Colts Couldn't Win Second Game For Him +Bloomberg Forms Super PAC +Gamecocks Fan Surprised To Hear That Team Represents a College +CDC Announces Americans Should Make Plans To Say Goodbye To Loved Ones +Seahawks vs. 49ers +Man Arrested In Federal Reserve Bomb Plot +Thriving 'Onion' Puts Another Print Edition Out Of Business +Bruce Springsteen Accidentally Plays 'Big Government's Stealin' Our Livelihood' At Obama Rally +Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation +Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute +Elena Lee and Frank Korda +Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall +Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday? +Debate Gives ESPN Executive Awesome Idea For Show In Which White Guy, Black Guy Ignore Timers And Yell At Each Other +Earthquake Rattles New England +Maria DeLouise and Martin Scholls +Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands +Town Hall Attendees Still Standing Patiently Waiting For Their Questions To Be Answered +Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To +Spielberg Panics, Adds Comical Groin Injuries To 'Lincoln' +Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session +Scotland May Secede From U.K. In 2014 +Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate +Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall +Romney To Town Hall Audience: 'I Own Horses And Care For Them, And You Are All Like Horses' +Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate +Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met +Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dying Of Cancer +First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan +Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time +Savvy Man Registers 'Sleepy Romney' Twitter Account Just In Case Candidate Looks Tired +Ross Perot Endorses Romney +Okay, Let's Cut To The Chase—Which People Do I Know Who You Also Know Who Went To Your School? +Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' +On The Ravens Losing Ray Lewis And Lardarius Webb To Injury +Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad +America Ends Love Affair With McKayla Maroney After Finding Out She’s 16 +Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk +Obama Excited To Participate In First Debate +Polls Reveal, Essentially, Nothing +'The Onion' Wins Nobel Prize +European Union Wins Nobel Peace Prize +Gary Bettman Surprised By Popularity Of NHL Lockout +Lyndon Johnson Pulls Ahead In Poll Of Nation's Alzheimer's Patients +Report: Jack Black's Life More Valuable Than Yours If It Ever Comes Down To It +Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered +Giants vs. Niners +Packers vs. Texans +Taylor Harris +New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays +Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo +Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator +Horrible Boogie Boarding Accident Leaves Man Totally Bummed Below The Neck +On The Packers' Disappointing Start +Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism +Josh Hamilton Relieved He Made It Through Entire Season Without Killing A Fan +Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall +On Michael Vick Admitting He Owns A Dog +King Hippo's New Boxing Gym Allows 8-Bit Teenagers To Get Off Pixelated Streets +Biden Shares 20-Minute Post-Debate Kiss With Janna Ryan +Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner +Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost +Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage +Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium +Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage +They Can Never Take Away My Memories +Supreme Court Hears Affirmative Action Case +A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die' +'Peanuts' Movie In The Works +Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder +Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend +Biden's Handlers Suggesting He Forget The Words 'Pink' And 'Stink' Altogether +Protestants Not Majority In U.S. For First Time +Billy Wilhite +Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt +Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class +Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate +Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman Separate +Man To Skydive From Edge Of Space +Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder +Kevin Garnett No Longer On Roaring Terms With Ray Allen +Nation Did Not See Mark Wahlberg's Sex Change Coming +Chiefs Scold Fans For Cheering Brady Quinn +Ask An Elderly Black Woman As Depicted By A Sophomore Creative Writing Major +Romney Frantically Figuring Out How Tax Plan Could Actually Work After Realizing He Might Win Election +U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy +Tim Tebow Spends All Night Refreshing Jets Depth Chart On ESPN.com +105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs +Jerry Sandusky Hoping Judge Takes It Easy On Him With Sentencing +Romney: 'This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City' +Romney Proudly Explains How He's Turned Campaign Around +Turtles +Hugo Chávez Wins Third Term +John Madden Finally Just Eats RV +Fire Chief Grants Fireman 3-Day Extension On Difficult Fire +Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment +Ann Romney To Guest Host 'Good Morning America' +Man Who Cried Himself To Sleep Last Night Has Some Great Ideas For Growing Company's Brand +Broncos vs. Patriots +Matt Ryan Votes 'No' In Online Poll Asking If He’s Elite Quarterback +New Study Finds Majority Of Bullshit Calls Go To Other Team +Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin +Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment +Jim Lehrer Forced To Report On His Own Botched Debate Moderator Performance On Tonight's 'NewsHour' +Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends +Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV +Michael Dukakis Wakes Up Not Angry For First Time Since 1988 Election +On Cowboys.com Being A Gay Dating Site +Vast Field Of Marijuana Found In Chicago +Weird Child Pretends To Be Utility Infielder Mark DeRosa While Playing Baseball With Friends +Cardinals vs. Rams +Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards +Facebook Reaches 1 Billion Users +Romney Dominated Debate, Say Pundits Trying To Figure Out GOP Candidate's Policies +Nation's Debate Viewers Disgusted With Selves After Connecting With Mitt Romney +Guy On Intense Cell Phone Call Walking Up And Down Block For Past 45 Minutes +Sasha Obama Asks Father Why He Was Acting Like Such A Pussy During Debate +Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are +2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009 +On Miguel Cabrera Winning Baseball's Triple Crown +No Bedrooms +Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks +Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator +Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates +Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches +Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate +The Anemic Economic Recovery Is Due To The Failed Policies Of My Opponent vs. C'mon Man, The Debate's In A Couple Hours, We Can Do This Then +Smug Replacement Refs Point Out Not A Single 'Intentional Midfield Zone Hands' Called All Weekend +Nation Demands More Pre-Debate News Stories About Body Language +Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy +Really Not A Great House +Teen Drinking And Driving Down Sharply +Pujols Switches To Shiny Red Bat As Mid-Career Crisis Sets In +Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates +Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days +Quiznos Sandwich Maker Worked Way Up From Mail Room +50 Years Of Beatlemania +Seth MacFarlane To Host Oscars +Hope In Students' Eyes Too Much For Screenwriting Teacher To Handle This Week +$2 Million In Gold, Gems Stolen From Museum +Embarrassed Catcher Not Sure What He Came To Mound For +I Want To Know What True Lunch Is +Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane +Candidates' Debate Preparations +Hugo Chávez Endorses Obama +Bears vs. Cowboys +Schwarzenegger Admits To Affair With Predator Costume +Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go +Justin Bieber Vomits On Stage +Jim Thome Leaves Game Early With Tightness In Pants +Mitt Romney Frantically Running Around Ohio Smiling And Waving +Poor Diet May Cause Alzheimer’s +U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine +Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter +U.N. Agency Says 2012 Celebrities Hottest On Record +Fencing +NFL Researchers Discover New Playoff Scenario In Which Steelers, Bengals Share AFC’s 6th Seed +Colossal Supermassive Black Hole Discovered +Saints vs. Falcons +Congolese Rebel Can't Bring Himself To Care About Congolese War +New Nolan Ryan Cookbook Features Over 200 Recipes For Baseballs +Powerball Winners Already Divorced, Bankrupt +Remaking The Republican Party +Romney Has Lunch At White House +Nobody At Capital One Can Remember Why It Put Vikings In Its Ads +Colin Kaepernick Admits He Learned Nothing From Watching Alex Smith Play Quarterback +Half-Dressed Man Frantically Scrambles Out Of Home After Hearing Toyotathon Deals Won't Last Long +Fuck It, Man On Death Row Just Going To Read Entire Harry Potter Series +'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says +Consumer Confidence Highest Since 2008 +Minnie Caren +Lax PetSmart Background Check Allows Deranged Gerbil To Slip Through The Cracks +Congressman Torn Between Meaningless Pledge To Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being Of Nation +Dept. Of Interior Releases New Stick +'Boy Meets World' Spin Off To Focus On Difficulties Of Raising Autistic Child +Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million +Game Changer +Please Click On Our Website's Banner Ads +Latvian Diplomat Tells Amusing Human Development Index Anecdote On 'U.N. Tonight! With Ban Ki-Moon' +GOP Lawmakers May Break Anti-Tax Pledge +Marilyn Jacobs +Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East +BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy +High School For Performing Arts Student Dealing With Really Weird Social Pressures +Matt Schaub Releases Exhaustive List Of Who Deserves To Be On Texans' Roster +Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed +That's Fine, Area Girlfriend To See 'Anna Karenina' When Visiting Mom Over Christmas +Filthy Mitt Romney Delivers Campaign Speech To Audience Of Confused Shoppers In Ohio Safeway +Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low +New Season Of 'Downton Abbey' Jumps Forward To Year 2121 +42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record +Detectives Overlooked Casey Anthony's 'I Killed My Daughter' AMA On Reddit +Thanksgiving Weekend Draws Record Number Of Shoppers +Dad Holds Best Buy Salesman's Feet To Fire With Question About HDTV Compatibility +Brandon Roy Finally Invests In Home Arthroscopic Surgery Kit +Baby Knocked Out With Cough Syrup Praised For Being Such A Good Little Traveler +UN: HIV Infections Down Sharply +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of November 26, 2012 +Just A Gray TV Screen +Enter to win the chance to customize the name & location in an Onion article +Cash Cab +Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving +Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo +Not A Shithole +BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All +Grandson Has Long Hair +Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered +Andrew Bynum Admits Pain In Knees Small Price To Pay For Philadelphia Fans' Misery +Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal +The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving +Apes Suffer Midlife Crises +Patriots vs. Jets +Cowboys vs. Redskins +Animal Cops: Houston +3BR/2.5BA/1KT/68EO/​16WN/4CF/12D/1MS(s) Paradise! +Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia +Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates +Greenhouse Gas Levels Reach All-Time High +Struggling American Airlines To Shutter Air Passenger Service To Focus On 'American Way' Magazine +Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School +Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs +Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs +Fighting Continues Over World's Holiest Bombing Sites +U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff +Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time +8-Year-Old Palestinian Boy Pleasantly Surprised He Hasn't Been Killed Yet +Area Father Beginning To Suspect 3-Year-Old A Real Ding-Dong +Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel +Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook +Environmental Ad Campaign Encourages Turning Shower Off After Showering +Brazilian Scientists To Clone Endangered Species +Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut +That’s Too Degrading! +Area Man Never In Mood To Do Things He Hasn't Done Before +Steelers v. Ravens +University Of Oregon Debut Controversial Fly-Ridden Duck Flesh Uniforms +Sunday, November 18 +Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense +5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010 +Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films +Laid-Off Hostess Employee Forced To Look For Creme-Injecting Job Elsewhere +Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business +Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again +Lifelong Boise Resident Realizes He's Never Been To Morrison Knudsen Nature Center +T.G.I. Friday's Unveils New Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce +Pistons Lose To Elementary School Girls Team After Big Night From 4'9" Center +Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States +Doctors Refuse To Clear Concussed Michael Vick After He Claims Eagles Can Still Make Playoffs +BP CEO: 'We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion' +Paula Broadwell Crashing On Petraeus Family’s Couch Until Sex Scandal Blows Over +New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks +Palestinian Family Trapped Under Rubble Thrilled To Hear 'Gaza' Trending On Twitter +Bubba Gump Shrimp Owner Comforts Depressed Guy Fieri +Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director +Israel Unleashes Assault On Gaza +Scientists Develop Highly Volatile New Relationship +Scientist: Human Race Becoming Dumber +Saturday, November 17 and Sunday, November 18 +Second-Person Narrative Enthralling You +Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012 [UPDATE] +Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching ‘Lost’ In For World Of Disappointment +Elmo Admits He's Uncomfortable Working With Gay Puppeteer +Government Internet Surveillance Rising +Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn +Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts +Pepsi Introduces High-Fiber, 'Fat-Blocking' Soda +Saturday, November 17 +Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years +Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal +John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession +New 'Call Of Duty' Released +Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once +Lakers GM Claims Mike D'Antoni Had More Impressive Cover Letter Than Phil Jackson +Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians +Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman +Wal-Mart To Open On Thanksgiving Evening +Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever +Sources: Petraeus Knew About Affair For More Than A Year +BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great +Having Gone This Far Without Caring About Syria, Nation To Finish What It Started +Petraeus Resigns Over Affair +Karl Malone Still Making Posters Of Himself For Kids' Bedrooms +McDonald's Sales Down For First Time In 9 Years +5-Year-Old Feels Like She Just Wasted Whole Carousel Ride Waving To Dad +Texans vs. Bears +Bowling Green State Just Going To Claim Christopher Lloyd As Alumnus Until Someone Calls Them Out +I Didn’t Know You Were Pregnant! +Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good +Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat +Gallant Amazon User Heroically Defends 'Fringe' Season 2 Box Set From Negative Reviewers +On The Lakers Firing Coach Mike Brown After Five Games +Extensive FAQ Page Dispels Any Lingering Confusion About Boston Duck Tour +Arizona Shooter Sentenced To Life +8th-Grade Health Class Squirms Throughout Entire Screening Of 'Miracle Of Abortion' +Hurricane Sandy Victims Receive Roethlisberger’s Sexually Disturbing Thoughts And Prayers +Women To Be 20 Percent Of Senate +Little Wonder Tomato Steamer System +Ben Affleck Defends Decision To Set 'Argo' In Boston +Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave +'04-'05 NHL Lockout Enters Ninth Year +Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted At Top Of Electoral College Clock Tower +Nor'easter Slams Hurricane Sandy Victims +Man Googles Matt Damon's Address Because, Well, He's Crazy And Wants To Murder Him +Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7' +U.S. Suicide Rate Up Amid Economic Crisis +Judge Swap +12 Miles Of Oranges! +CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything +Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong +Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012 +Moments Leading Up To Romney's Concession Most Likely Hilarious +Colorado, Washington Legalize Marijuana +Lives Of Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Eric Cantor Retain Meaning +Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful +Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid +Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls +Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback +Obama Reelected President +Millions Without Power Following Election +Turkey For Assholes +'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign +Defeated Man Victorious +Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now +Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There +Ohio May Need Recount +Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line' Ring Across America +Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein' +Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot +'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards +Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election +Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable +Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The 'Saw' Films Allowed To Vote +Americans Vote For President +Romney Volunteers Going Door-To-Door To Let Obama Supporters Know President's Dead +Romney Throws Quinceañera For Ann In Last-Minute Attempt To Get Hispanic Vote +Obama, Romney Urge Americans To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' +Nation Unsure Which Candidate's Plan To Destroy The Environment Will Create More Jobs +Serious Mitt Romney Demanding To Be Addressed As 'Mitthew' Now +Gilligan’s Highland +Florida Faces Early Voting Fiasco +After Success Of London NFL Games, Goodell Thinking About Trying One Game A Year In Jacksonville +9 Brightly Colored New Tarantula Species Found +Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot +Natalie Blasi +Well-Meaning Friends Once Again Try To Set Up Cheryl Miller With Reggie Miller +Local Sports Reporter Recycles Same High School Volleyball Season Preview For 18th Year In A Row +Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour +'New York Times' Bully Knocks Stack Of Polls From Nate Silver's Hands +New Jersey To Use Military Vehicles As Polling Places +Editors Of 'Good Car' Magazine: 'The 2013 Hyundai Sonata Is A Good Car' +Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship +Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill +ESPN Sports Segment Reveals Science Behind Tony Romo's Shittiness +Record High Unemployment Hits Eurozone +Atlantic City Faces Long Recovery Before It Can Start Destroying Lives Again +Yummers +Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs +Shaq Spends Entire 'Inside The NBA' Segment Analyzing Size Of Own Hands +This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations +2012 Campaign Most Expensive In History +Disney Buys Lucasfilm For $4 Billion +Chloe Thorn +'Zero Dark Thirty' Reveals Navy SEALs Killed Bin Laden By Frantically Throwing Whatever They Could Find At Him +Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens +2012 In Technology +2012 In Entertainment +2012 In International News +The Onion's Person Of The Year Is… +The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012 +2012 In The Economy +2012 In Politics +We've Had Our Differences, But I'd Be Willing To Serve As Obama's Secretary Of State +People With Children Live Longer +Casual Fan Ready To Introduce NFL To His Parents +'Right To Live Life In Complete, Stunned Horror,' Added To Constitution +Mike D'Antoni Drawing Up Plays To Get Lakers To Like Him +Right To Own Handheld Device That Shoots Deadly Metal Pellets At High Speed Worth All Of This +Fuck Everything, Nation Reports +Report: It Okay To Spend Rest Of Day Curled In Fetal Position Under Desk +'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg +No 'Fiscal Cliff' Deal In Sight +Kyle Shanahan Admits Mother Helped Design Most Of Redskins Offensive Plays +Roger Goodell Proposes Eliminating Ball From NFL +Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer +'Whitney Houston' Top Google Search Of 2012 +'The Hobbit' To Feature 53-Minute-Long Scene Of Bilbo Baggins Trying To Figure Out What To Pack +Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse +Plot To Murder Justin Bieber Foiled +Joe Flacco Excited To Work Under Man Who Was Coached By Peyton Manning +Taylor Swift Now Dating Suri Cruise +Businessman Goes Home For The Holidays To Network With Family +Ford: New F-150 Pickup Truck Capable Of Crushing A Big Turtle In One Go +Supreme Court Unanimously Upholds Concealed Gavel Law +Clive Cussler Realizes Latest Novel Not Thrilling 3 Hours After Sending It To Printer +The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything +Rare Pornographic Movie Shot At Vatican For First Time Since 1982’s ‘Pope Fisters IV’ +Inscription On MLK Memorial To Be Removed +Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of December 10, 2012 +Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas +Authorities Not Even Going To Bother Looking For Motive Behind Oregon Shooting +Hundreds Of People Who Will Die Before Christmas Really Excited For Holiday Season +Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job! +North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile +Redskins Playoff Hopes Listed As Questionable +Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile +Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy' +The Onion's Gift Guide For The Home +Man Has Such Good Friends They’ll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes +Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama +Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park +Study Finds Millennial Generation Stays On Phone With Parents Throughout Entire Day +Guys With Boring Jobs Really Hitting It Off A Few Rows Back On Airplane +Slovenian 8th-Graders Surprised Even They Outperformed U.S. Students In Science +Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis +Union Supporters Throng Michigan Capitol +Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility +I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry +The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids +Kidnappers’ Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy +Iran Debuts State-Run YouTube Substitute +Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas +The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis +Other Nurse Thought It Was Funny +Disappointed Couple On 8-Month Waitlist To Get Married At Pentagon +China To Be Biggest Economy By 2030 +Furious Bleacher Report Editor Will Make Staff Rank Things All Fucking Night If He Has To +Coffee May Prolong Life +Tim Tebow Puts Empty Gatorade Cups In Wildcat Formation On Jets Bench +Chad Greene and Danielle Faye +Sesame Street +Johnny Manziel +Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington +Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub +Eagles Concerned By Nick Foles Asking About Best Ways To Tear ACL +New Study Finds Primitive Customers Capable Of Buying Tools From Hardware Store +Area Family Has No Idea Where Dad Gets Shirts +Jerry Jones Wanders Up And Down Field During Game +Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores +Massage That Broderick! +Obama Paranoid Government Coming For His Guns +Kobe Bryant Blasts Teammates For Failure To Criticize Pau Gasol +Sitcom Characters Still In Shock After Christmas Episode Proves Existence Of Santa Claus +Man Freely Smoking Pot in Washington Literally Has No Issue He Feels Strongly About Anymore +Charlie Batch Totally Embarrassed After Almost Losing To Joe Flacco +Apple To Assemble Some Computers In U.S. +Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something +38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook +NASA To Send New Rover To Mars In 2020 +Lego Man and Dora the Explorer +I Honestly Don't Understand How Anyone Could Support Chris Brown +Pope Tweets Picture Of Self With God +Poll: Majority Would Back Hillary Clinton In 2016 +Department Of Transportation Announces New Highway Concert Series +Highlights Of 'The Hobbit' +Flu Season Arrives Month Early +Nation’s Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games +Jeff The Normal-Nosed Reindeer +15-Year-Old Duchess Of McComb, AL Announces Pregnancy +Coy 'Dexter' Producers Hint At 'Huge Plot Holes' In Season Finale +Royal Family Releases Kate Middleton Ultrasound Image +The Text Message Turns 20 +It's Funny, I've Actually Only Been To New Jersey A Couple Of Times +Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind +Kim Kardashian Appearance Protested In Bahrain +Pete Bushnell and Mary Thoft +Cut This Monster Out Of Me +Dunbar Family Forced To Discontinue Print Edition Of Christmas Newsletter +Different Waitress Brings Order +Pope Joins Twitter +UPS Reports Troubling Drop In Residents Answering Doors In Lingerie +ESPN.com Visitor Wouldn't Have Watched Ad If He'd Known Video Was Just Analysis +Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man +Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges +Dr. Dre Highest-Paid Musician Of 2012 +I Was Impaled +Nets Ask Deron Williams To Close Mouth While Dribbling +Nick Moyer +U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program +Every Team In NFL Calls Bengals To Let Them Know They Don't Want Carson Palmer +Walgreens Rolls Out Store-Brand Beer +Department Of Health And Human Services Recommends Standing At Least Once A Day +No One Shows Up For Pro Bowl +As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones +Classic Albums: 'My Name Is Barbra, Two' +Deadly Chemistry Band Show Review +Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population +Should Congress just make up a new protocol for signing a bill into law? +The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims +Special Five-Part Series "Dumb In America" Begins This Week +Twitter Messages Show Congressmen Do Not Remember How To Pass Bill +FEMA Advisory Released For New Orleans +Is it time to establish a specialized Federal Emergency Pornography Agency? +Should officials be doing more to rescue snowbound Wisconsin residents from their immediate families? +Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips +Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit +World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit +Gym Adds Big Heavy Pull Thing In Corner +States Eyeing Texting-While-Walking Legislation +Toughness in Sports +Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses +Study Links Adult-Male Smiling To Extremely Overweight Men Scoring Touchdowns +MTV's Alternate-Dimension 'The Grind' +Submit Your Ad To OSN's One-Second Chance Super Bowl Contest +Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket +Tom Gilbert, Actor Who Portrays TV's Regis Philbin, To Leave 'Regis & Kelly' Show +L-Cup Bra Introduced +Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Nonconsensual +Democrats Hold Annual Retreat +Boxing Fans Heartbroken As Kent Sudder Survives +Obama Delivers State Of The Union +Report: For 8th Straight Year, Europeans Remain Weirdest-Looking Players In NBA +Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets +God Almost Forgot To Kill Dave Elfman Of Boulder, CO Today +Obama: Aside From All The Weirdos And Freaks Around Here, The State Of The Union Is Strong +Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries +QVC Temptation Tour Power Rankings +Who's Your Tallest Player In The NBA? +What's Your Favorite Kobe Bryant Personality? +U-Say Response To Detroit Judge's Decision +It Seems The Hunter Has Become Arrested For Not Having A Gun License +Senators Accuse Thrashers Of Pouring It On After 3-1 Loss +Van Morrison Removed From Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Following Allegations He Bet On Album Sales +Olbermann Abruptly Leaves MSNBC +Slacks Coach +Next In The Dome: A New Kobe, Boxing History In The Making And One Expert's Analysis Gets Thrown To The Pile +Johnson & Johnson Introduces Self-Lotioning Baby +Running Back Finds Self In Alternate Universe After Offensive Line Opens Up Black Hole +127 Charged In Mob Sweep +Gap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The World +Braylon Edwards Confident He Could Fly If He Tried Hard Enough +In Memory Of Susan Merriweather +Postmodern Family +IFC Channel Finder: +Which song should SCOTUS choose as their theme song? +Study: Family History Of Alcoholism Raises Risk Of One-Man Show +Is Christian Bale too cruel to run North Korea? +Arizona Proposes Stricter Sex-Offender Rules +Original Handjob Patent Document +The TuckScreen: Can't Wait To See Joe Biden's Band Play The Superbowl +Stevenson Trial Courtroom Sketches +WB Press Release Details Batman Movie +Storyboards From New 'Batman' Starring Kim Jong Il +What should Melanie Wilkerson do to thank the fireman who saved her life? +Should Philadelphia spend public funds to build a 35-foot-high "Giant Bronze Handjob"? +Besides untangling headphones, which activity consumes more of your time? +Which is your favorite Kim Jong Il superhero? +Read Sarah Palin's Presidency Adventure +New Congressional Intern Disillusioned With Politics and Democracy In Record 6 Minutes, 41 Seconds +Lieberman Not Running For Re-Election +Problems With Athletes' Charities +Prince Fielder Explains Complexities Of Salary Arbitration Using Cheeseburgers +Jay Cutler Proves Naysayers Wrong By Defeating Shittiest Team Ever To Make Playoffs +New Swears +The High Reis: I Don't Care About Politics So Obama Shouldn't Care About Sports +Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money +In My Professional Medical Opinion, Pick At It +Supreme Court Mistakenly Used Belgium's Constitution For Last 3 Rulings +Winona Ryder Finally Agrees To Sleep With Generation X +Starbucks Introduces 31-Ounce Cup +New Parenting Book Sparks Outrage +Report: Most NFL Receivers Compensating For Not Having Enough Things Thrown At Them As Children +Giants Fan Visiting Philadelphia Feels Betrayed By Bud Light Ad For Eagles +Fun! +Remembering Allison Pencey +What You Need To Know About Horse Corking +The Most Inspiring Wishes Ever Granted By The Wish Zone +All Hail The Toad! +Horse Corking In Polo: What You Need To Know +Get To Know The OSN Girlfriend Analysts +How Should Hockey Hoaxer Gary Bettman Be Punished? +Major League Baseball's Biggest Memory Bargains +Bill Belichick Consumed By Insecurity, Jealousy Towards Quarterback For Years +When You Hire Union Plumbers, You Hire Trained Professionals Who Won't Fuck Your Wife +Excerpt From Bill Belichick's Journal +Tiger Woods Wondering If He Should Tell People He's Still Getting Laid +Next In The Dome: Belichick's Jealousy, A Record-Breaking Performance And A Brave Phillies Fan Kept Alive By Her Hatred Of David Wright +Area Woman Prefers To Get Same Advice From As Many People As Possible +'Baby Doc' Returns To Haiti +Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers +Shepard's Pie: Let's Hope That Brett Favre Doesn't Die Like Charles Schulz +Weary Haitians Shrug As Ragnarök Begins Outside Port-Au-Prince +My Buddy, My Pork Chop +Power Of Imagination May Help Dieters +U.S. Renews Contract With Spotted Ground Squirrels Through 2015 +The Emperor's New School +Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere +Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing A Single Thing That Makes Him Happy +The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines +Dancing Wild Man Strikes Again, Badly Shaken Bar-Goers Report +Political Pundits Surprisingly Good At Getting Inside Mentally Unbalanced Shooter's Head +Anti-Smoking Aid Tops List Of Violence-Linked Medications +2011 Hall Of Fame Finalists +NFL Season Seems To Be Building To Some Sort Of Climax +Terrible Seattle Seahawks Have No Chance In Hell Of Winning Playoff Game Again, Right? +Joe Biden's Delaware +Report: It Going To Take Way More Than An Inconceivable Act Of Violence For Country To Rise Above Politics +John F. Kennedy Makes Rare Appearance At Kennedy Center Honors +Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs +Standoff In Ivory Coast Threatens To Boil Over Into Full-Scale News Blurb +Tucson Keeps Church Protesters Away +Iams Executives Scrambling To Figure Out Why Brand Is Losing 2- To 4-Year-Old Chocolate Labs +Sam Cassell Asks If He Can Get In On Carmelo Anthony Trade +Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws +Crystal Meth Hallucinations League Power Rankings - Week 2 +Where Did U.S. Money Go In Iraq? +Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk +Tim Duncan Reports 5th Straight Successful New Year's Resolution +Bible Study Group Preparing For Bible Aptitude Test +Report: Nation Not Ready For This +God The Bounty Hunter +From Working Keys To Rocket Suits: How Other Cities Have Enticed Their Star Players +OSN Globo Poll: Ultimate Fighter Nick Prindell’s Career Highlights +Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City +Keep Safe: What To Do If You See A Brain-Damaged Former NFL Player +OSN Globo-Poll: The Heat's New Rules +More On Bosh, Wade And LeBron's New Rules For Basketball +The High Reis: My Suspension Gave Me The Opportunity To Think About Many Things +New NBA Basketball Rule #44 +Original NBA Rules Proposal +New NBA Basketball Rule #8 +Shepard's Pie: Return Of The Reiser +Great Game, Sport, Civilization Ruined By Speaking Of Phrase 'This Is For All The Tostitos®' +I Really Hope My Local McDonald's Will Participate In This Latest Promotion +Jimmie Johnson Goes Out For Nice 180 MPH Drive To Clear His Head +2012 Prius To Feature Rudimentary Reproductive System +History Channel Aborts Kennedys Miniseries +The High Reis: What Was That Part At The End +Shepard's Pie: Congratulations, Tigers! +NHL Simply Not Going To Bother Reaching Out To Hispanics +Report: Majority Of Money Donated At Church Doesn't Make It To God +White House Seeks Massive Military Cuts +Josh Hartnett Returns To Pearl Harbor For First Time Since Film +Conspicuous Boss +Florida Names Charlie Weis New Fat Offensive Coordinator +Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward +Revamped WPA To Create 50,000 New Jobs By Disassembling, Reassembling Hoover Dam +Robert Gibbs Stepping Down +NFL Playoffs 2010 +Seattle Coach Pete Carroll: Seahawks Only Need 3 Losses To Reach Super Bowl +Colts Tap Quarterback Peyton Manning To Start Playoff Game +Boy Vs. Cat +The High Reis: Parking Garage Near Heat Arena Very Confusing +I'm Only Really Happy When I'm Writing, Or When I'm Having Lots Of Fun With My Friends And Family +FCC To Fine Americans Who Don't Keep Up With TV Shows +New 'Huckleberry Finn' Edited For Language +Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa +Nuclear Bomb Detonates During Rehearsal For 'Spider-Man' Musical +DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart +Crisis Provokes Anger At God +Shepard's Pie: The Seattle Seahawks Have Mothers Too +Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim +Area Man Has No Idea How He Got On Hamas E-Mail List +Sources: Harry Reid Sleeping With Mitch McConnell's Wife In 1986 At Core Of Senate Gridlock +CSI: Miami +Who Was I, And Why Was I Important Again? +Bradley Center Announcer Way More Into Miami Heat Than Bucks +'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports +Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky +Player Pathetically Convinces Self He'll Be Even Better After Surgery +House Democrats Forced To Move All Their Things Back Into Disgusting Minority Locker Room +U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion +Wait, Wait, Go Back, This Is That 'Cosby Show' Where The Huxtables Get Tired Of Theo Borrowing Money So They Give Him Fake Money And Make Him Pay For Food From The Kitchen Like At A Restaurant And He Has To Buy All His Bedroom Furniture Back +Virgin Mary Statue Crying For No Good Reason +Rick Reilly Columns Increasingly Laden With Cries For Help +ExxonMobil CEO Really Hurt That College Student Is Talking About Him Right Now +Swearing Batman +Confused Milwaukee Bucks Have No Idea What To Do After Rebounding Basketball +Reid: Kill The Brothels +Anne Hathaway, James Franco Spend Every Moment Of Oscars Tearing Into Jesse Eisenberg +Christian Bale Given Neutered Male Statuette Named Oscar +Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure +Haunted History +Member Of Book Group Just Loved This Book A Little Less Is All +Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit +CynGen Press Release +U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation +Which 1920s cultural signifier to you most associate with anti-semitism? +Should Illinois require safety guardrails be placed around all bathtubs in the state? +The Cross Word: Build Your Own Justice Shed +Upcoming SIURT Reports +Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation +How did Farmville players respond to internet outages? +Which career should former drunk senator Dave Tillis pursue next? +Washington Watcher: Pentagon Warns Of Viral Video Cyber Attack +Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act +The Daily LOL: Piglet Wearing Boots +Netflix Switches Over To Convenient New Physical Locations +Justice Department Won't Defend DOMA +Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord +Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team +Notable Trade Deadline Deals +I Didn't Know Everyone Was Pregnant +Final Week Of "Dumb In America" Looks At Future Of Idiots +Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings +Who's Ready For Some Oscars! +Utah Group Moves To Recall Wisconsin Senators +Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid' +Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them +Saudi Arabian King To Populace: 'Don't Even Think About It' +Jack Nicklaus: Portrait Of A Still-Living Golf Legend +States Turning Down Federal Money +Libyan Pilots Seek Asylum +Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee +Revolutionary New Homophobia Immersion Therapy Involves Lowering Patient Into Tank Of Gays +NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God +Top Gear USA +Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage +Rays Expect Increase In Attendance After Filling City With Hissing Snakes +The Prospects You Need To Know At The NFL Owner's Combine +NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes +Official Deposition From Prostitute Found In NASCAR Vehicle +DEVELOPING: Driver Caught With Prostitute In Car During Daytona 500 +How Should NASCAR Drivers That Pick Up Prostitutes Mid-Race Be Disciplined? +Tonight In The Dome: Coverage Of The 2011 Owners Combine, Gary Payton Returns, And A NASCAR Driver Caught Racing With A Prostitute In His Car +The High Reis: I Am Glad They Told Me The Show Is Moving To 8:00 This Time +Shane Victorino's Parents Bracing For Annual Spring Training Drop-Off Tantrum +U.N. Weapons Inspectors Thoroughly Unimpressed With Yemeni Weapons +Thousands Injured By Cribs Annually +Shepard's Pie: The Dome Is Moving To 8, Which Is A Lucky Number In China +Bet I Can Lift That +Even Michael Vick A Little Uneasy About How Easily People Have Forgiven Him +Same Americans Who Made Taylor Swift Popular Polled On Constitutionality Of Health Care Reform +TSA Screeners Steal $160K +Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan +Keep The Beat +Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game +Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics +Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note +Which family should Neil Armstrong choose? +DHS Issues National Alert: Hold Breath Now +Should border broadcasts inform immigrants they may be subjected to inhumane working conditions? +How To Talk To Your Teens About Cody +Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas +The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars +New Arkansas Border +Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises +Ron Statsky's Services +Courtroom Drawings Of Military Drone TR425 +Did Joe Biden go too far by calling Britney Spears a bad mother on 'The View?' +Should Obama tell the American people how often he beats his dog? +Suspension Of Disbelief Goes Unrewarded +Chicago Population Falling +Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies' +Contador Cleared Of Doping By International Cycling Federation's Doping-Clearing Board +Remembering Earnhardt +Love Is...With Donnie Iris +"Dumb In America" Fourth Episode Shines Light On Dumb Blacks +GOP Asks "Does Obama Love Bo?" +An Excerpt From 'Refusal To Play': An In Depth Look Into Obama's Distant Relationship With His Dog +New Constitution Of The United States Ratified +And To Think, No One Believed A Website That Puts People In Dangerous Physical And Sexual Situations Could Succeed +Man Cruises By William H. Macy's Website To Check Out The Latest News +Billy Ray Cyrus: 'Hannah Montana' Ruined Family +Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat +FactZone's Five Most Popular Stories +Are The Republican Battles Becoming Too Public? +My Behavior Tuesday Night Has Forced Me To Confront The Fact That I Have A Problem With Energy Drinks +LeBron James: 'Not To Rub It In, But Do You Sort Of See Why I Left The Cavaliers Now?' +"Late Inning Drama" Episode Guide +'New York Times' Moves All Content You Won't Give A Shit About Unless You Make At Least $200K A Year Into One Convenient Section +Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10% +Perfect Soup Weather Coming +The Next Great P.A. +Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen +Eli Manning: The Grand Fool Of French Cinema +Fifth Grader Fails To Avoid Embarrassment With Windbreaker Mixup +All Rise For The OSN Anthem: "For The Love Of Sport Eternal" +Which offseason move will help the Raiders most in 2011? +Tonight In The Dome: Raiders Hire Their Next Three Coaches, The NBA Kidnapping Deadline And Vets Rush To Save A Dying Horse's Sperm +Dunk Contest No Longer A Big Deal Now That 85 Percent Of Populace Can Dunk +Police Find Adorable Little Skeleton +Justice Thomas Marks 5 Years Of Court Silence +Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011 +FactZone's Five Most Touching Moments +The Talk +'And Now For A Thrilling Tennis Season,' Nobody In Nation Says +Report: Antismoking Group Has Never Even Tried Cigarettes +Strokes On Rise In Young And Middle-Aged +Nation Somehow Shocked By Human Nature Again +The Daily Bump: America Has Gorgalon Fever +Portrait Of A Hero +Aaron Rodgers To Spend Offseason Being Compared To Things +Vending Machine Attendant Admits B3 Selection Has Changed A Lot Over The Years +Who should write the next Constitution? +Is toping the gateway drug to teens building hydrogen fusion bombs? +FactZone's Five Most-Memorable Interviews +Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium +How has 'FactZone' improved over their five years on the air? +Grace North Answers Your Questions +Should someone try to talk to the woman who is crying on a train platform in San Francisco? +The Tuckscreen: A Time For Remembrance +As A Matter Of Fact: What's A Parent To Do? +Are you concerned about your rights to due process and the equal protection of the law? +School Board Acts To Remove Emotionally Disturbed Students +"Zorla Mania" Sweeping America +Does Al Qaeda's use of cross dissolves and wipes signal the terrorist group is gaining strength? +Tillis' Acceptance Speech +Assange's Police Documents Leaked +Senator Honored For Work With Overprivileged Americans +Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice +Andy Pettitte Retires To Inject HGH Without Being Harassed About It +Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement +Real World: Nashville +Third Episode Of "Dumb In America" Investigates The Dumb Woman +Journey Of Self-Discovery Leads Man To Realization He Doesn't Care +Study: Popular Children Meaner +Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook +Egyptian Populace To Hopefully Get Something Better Than Democracy Out Of All This +Valentine's Day Stoning Runners-Up +A Troubled Sheen +AOL To Acquire Huffington Post +Library Of Congress Adds 3 Titles To List Of Films That Should Be Destroyed Forever +U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship +America's Next Top Stock-Photo Model +NHL Responds To Blackhawks' Team U-Haul Overturning +How Will Each Of Shaq's Body Parts Help The Mavs? 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+The High Reis: Ben Roethlisberger Broke My Trust With Him +Shepard's Pie: That Is Exactly How I Predicted The Super Bowl Would Turn Out +Puppy Bowl Marred By Tragic Spinal Injury +Widowzillas +Jacksonville Jaguars Stun NFL By Taking Completely Different Road To Super Bowl +Bard College Named Nation's No. 1 Dinner Party School +Listings for other local Pennington cable-access programming +Was the Chinese government justified in posthumously charging 20,000 citizens with "subversive seismic activity"? +The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past +Should the U.S. send more troops to Iran to help clean up after the series of explosions the nation is now experiencing? +Which will be the next state to legalize marijuana for the sick and dying? +Tom Becker's Testimony +Plan For Operation Humanitarian Firestorm +Apple Fans Lining Up For iHand +Instead of hiring a national repairman, should the U.S. government have attempted to fix the nation's infrastructure themselves? +If Obama attempts to steal the pot filled with the world's, does that prove he is the trickster god Anansi? +What qualifies Clayton Cressbeckler to be president? +Plan For Operation Humanitarian Firestorm +Photos Surface Of Congressman Cavorting With Horse +Obama Delivers Whispered, Untelevised Speech On Gun Control +Pamphlet Shows North's Strong Anti-Gay Marriage Position +Natalee Holloway, Osama Bin Laden Celebrate 5-Year Wedding Anniversary +White Stripes Break Up +Super Bowl Still Hasn't Happened Yet +Great Moments In The Histories Of The Steelers and Packers +I Should Be Alive +This Week's "Dumb In America" Looks At Dumb Men +The High Reis: They Should Pretend Someone Dies In The Middle Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show And We Have To Solve The Murder +Packers, Steelers Find A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit While Exploring Cowboys Stadium +Packers Fans +Mike McCarthy +Clay Matthews +Charles Woodson +Donald Driver +Aaron Rodgers +Steelers Fans +Mike Tomlin +Troy Polamalu +James Harrison +Hines Ward +Ben Roethlisberger +Super Bowl XLV Preview Guide +Steelers, Packers +Book Of Revelations: Secrets Revealed In Other Athletes' Autobiographies +Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance +Super Bowl Draws Underage Prostitutes +Police Bust Giraffe-Fighting Ring +U.S. Negotiating Mubarak's Severance Package +Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago +Obama Pushes Job Creation +The Most Underwhelming Super Bowls Of All Time +Intel Ships Flawed Chip +Carmelo Anthony Scores 36 Points While Rest Of Players Watch NFL Playoffs +Reporter For High School Newspaper Most Professional Journalist In Nation +Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth +Nirvaniacs! +DomeFacts: The Truly Disgusting Career Of Kwame Brown +The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones +What do you hope to see in the big Doritos Super Bowl commercial? +Do you think Roethlisberger will be redeemed if he wins a third SuperBowl? +Denis Leary Drops By Comedy Club To Try Out New Ford Commercial +Sink Or Schwim +Next In The Dome: Super Bowl Put On Hold, Big Ben One Win Away From Being A Good Person, and National Crystal Meth Hallucination League Action +I've Got You Dumb Motherfuckers Eating Right Out Of My Hand +Annoying Friend Always Flabbergasted By Over-Under +Will.i.am Named Creative Director Of Intel +Study: 90% Of Plane Landings Just Barely Pulled Off +Perez Hilton Writing Children's Book +Harry Connick, Jr. Dies In Piano Fire +Continued Existence Of Edible Arrangements Disproves Central Tenets Of Capitalism +American Media Reports News Other Than Zoo's Escaped Cobra As If Anything Else Really Matters +Starbucks Is 40 +Romantic Pain = Physical Pain +International Criminal Court Announces New '3 Strikes' Genocide Policy +Report: Majority Of Americans Just Gotta, You Know, Get Motivated And Do It +Murder On The Orient Express +Sustainable Energy Solutions Are The Key To Our Country's Economic Future vs. Christ, Ted, Is That You? It's Four In The Morning +Report: Sidney Crosby Dead Of Intracranial Bleeding, Will Start Against Flyers +Maker Of Pizza Rolls Rethinks Letting Fans Tell Its Story +Burmese Pythons Hardier Than Thought +NYTimes.com's Plan To Charge People Money For Consuming Goods, Services Called Bold Business Move +Who Wears The Pants Around Here? +Negative Comments About Big East Fail To Affect Anybody, Anything +Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends +Earliest Americans' Traces Found In Texas +Even Newt Gingrich A Little Depressed By Prospect Of Him Running For President +Mets Release Mets +Visiting Friend Okay Doing Whatever +30-Second Meals With Rachael Ray +Report: At Least 14 Different Types Of Animals Crawl On You While You Sleep +Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance +Introducing The Onion News Network's 'Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!' +What do you think the new American Dream should be? +Anti-Gay Protesters Turn Out In Florida +What's the most exciting discovery made NASA's New Mexico Rover? +A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards +Message From The Mayor +The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline +Help Jeff Gordon Learn To Read +Damaged Women's Coalition Releases Statement +Do the Damaged Women have a valid complaint against the government? +What are your thoughts on the death of the American Dream? +Do you agree to have your opinion on Malia's arranged marriage scanned by our thought scanners? +There And Back +Dish! +Venus & Mars +So Random +30 Love +The Love CEO +The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge +Which Katherine Heigl movie are you most worried about being exposed to? +Peeping Polly +Report: Anthrax Attacks Could Have Been Prevented +Slow-Thinking Bystander Weighing Pros And Cons Of Pulling Man Out Of River +Louisville Overcomes Early First-Round Loss To Advance To Elite Eight +Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins +2011 NCAA Tournament Highlights So Far +The Onion News Network +South Dakota Enacts 3-Day Abortion Waiting Period +Report: NFL May End Lockout By Hiring Scab Owners +FCC Chief Cites Special Occasion For Allowing Vaginal Penetration On Network Sitcom +Time Between Thing Being Amusing, Extremely Irritating Down To 4 Minutes +U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low +NCAA Selection Committee Announces Sweet 16: 'It's The Teams That Won Last Weekend' +Cover Author Working On Word-For-Word Remake Of 'Moby-Dick' +More Men Getting Plastic Surgery +Deaths Of 20,000 Japanese Afford Planet Solid 15 Minutes In Which Everyone Acts Like A Human Being +Everything Is As It Seems +At My Age, I Just Can't Compete With The Younger, Competent Guys I Work With +Realistic Announcer Shouting How Kevin Durant Making His Last 4 Shots Has No Bearing On Whether He Will Make Next Shot +Senator Baucus Shows Rest Of Congress Where He Found The Dead Body +New York Tour Bus Dangers +Penguins Coach Assures Everyone That Dazed, Vomiting Sidney Crosby Is Progressing Nicely +Company's Employees Spend Entire Day Touching Base +Kasell +Area Man Filled With Sudden Desire To Go Outside And Play Basketball +Nuke Fears Spark Potassium Iodide Poisoning +Last Of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start Of Spring +Are You Street-Smarter Than A Street Urchin? +'I Make My Own Hours,' Says Man About To Get Fired +Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment +Kelly and Epting's Apartment +The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko! +U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America +If you have a podcast, how many listeners do you have? +Will you be uploading state secrets to the Wanbee site? +Should it be legal to shoot anyone you want in the leg without warning? +Join The Campaign Against Laura Miller, Spanish Teacher, Traitor +FEMA Releases BBQ-Related Safety Advisory For Midwest +Which signs of disease have you detected in Justice Breyer? +How are you reacting to news of the Midwest's BBQ cloud disaster? +Which cow were you rooting for to win the Westminster Cow Show? +Which Afghanistan strike was most critical to winning the war on terror? +How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome +CIA Contractor Released With Blood Money Payment +Quick-Lube Shop Masters Electronic Record Keeping Six Years Before Medical Industry +Office Pool's Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year +Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You've Never Heard Of +What's That Noise? +Breaking Down The Tournament's Top Seeds +Exhausted Studio Has Done All It Can In Terms Of Building Excitement For 'The Lincoln Lawyer' +Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens +Study: Every 10 Seconds A Skyscraper Window Washer Falls To His Death +Millionaires: It Takes $7.5 Million To Be Rich +Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly +Representative King's Muslim Hearings +Oxford English Dictionary To Add 'Skype' And 'Coat' To Latest Edition +Nuclear Power Companies Hit Hard +Pope To Ease Up On Jesus Talk +The Michael Rapaport Project +Off-Season Christmas Tree Lot +Carlos Beltran Has Impressive Day Of Not Falling Apart And Dying +Official Proclamation Of Cleveland's Ban On Professional Sports +Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game +Basketball's Humble Origin As A Diversion For Hated Giants +Former Nun Responds To Release Of Pau Gasol Sex Tape +The Top Moments In OSNY History +Peyton Manning Impersonator Captured After Years Of Endorsing Products +I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television +FAN CHOICE: Who gets this year's Bacardi Let Loose Moment Of The Year OSNY? +Tonight In The Dome: OSN Celebrates The OSNY Awards, The Most Glamorous And Award-Filled Night In All Of Sports +Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time +Dirk Nowitzki Recommends Playing In NBA Games To Friends Taking Road Trip +Condé Nast Launches 'The New Yorker For Black People' +State Department Spokesman Ousted +Highly Anticipated Launches At SXSW Interactive +Highlights Of Past South By Southwest Festivals +How To Become An Internet Music Sensation +'Planet Earth' PA Still Trying To Get Release Forms From Every Bird In Serengeti +Human Progenitors Had Barbed Penises +NHL Ref Likes It When He Gets To Jump Over Puck +Consumers Say Recession Changed Way They Blow Paycheck On Crap +Attempt To Meet Different Types Of People Thwarted By Partygoer Who Also Watches 'Friday Night Lights' +Time Cat +What Do U-Say About Mike Brant? +Report: Danny Ainge Got Tons Of Pussy At BYU +School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Over Pressures Of Intro To Communications +Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony +Should there be restrictions on the types of videos that James Spader can post on SpaderMe.com? +Do you plan to join the boycott against the 7,219 American foods that contain GoldenMade corn syrup? +Duncan Birch's Top 100 Books +As a "real American," which issue is most important to you (and don't lie, because we've electrified your whole house)? +Which quality most makes Mike Brant a worthy GOP presidential candidate? +What will you do now that the FDA announced that Americans are "on their own"? +Take The Comic Sans Test +Did you have any idea that Jude Law was a terrible actor? +The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches +If man is fallible, isn't reason itself fallible, and if so, mustn't this fallibility find a place in our logic? +Should Obama write Kim Jong-Il an email expressing his disappointment over North Korea destroying the Asian continent? +Which of these new Republican darlings has the best chance of becoming the face of the GOP? +Will you try to use some of your high school French to speak to President Obama's European friends? +Libyans Agree To Come Up With Something For Qaddafi To Do All Day In Exchange For Him Leaving +Child Makes Useless Gesture To Help Struggling Family +Subway Now Largest Restaurant Chain +NFL Players Excited For Looming Work Stoppage: 'Playing Football And Getting Hurt All The Time Is The Worst' +BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus +The University Honor Code +Heavy +Responsible, Thoughtful Nation Decides To Ignore Charlie Sheen Situation +Hey, Man, I Totally Get It; I'd Watch A 2-Hour 'Biggest Loser' Special, Too +Jon Hamm To Overenthusiastic Fan: 'You're Ruining Me For Everyone' +Pollution May Trigger Heart Attacks +Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy +My Band Deadly Chemistry Makes Its Dome Debut +China Cracking Down On Foreign Journalists +Hidden Bank Fees +MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players +New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds +Wealthy Swiss Tourist Offers U.S. Government $87 Billion To Buy Indiana's Populace For Just One Night +OSN's March Madness Dump Your Girlfriend Contest! +Fish Murder Is Disgusting And Wrong +Sure, Dancing's Okay +Cindy Halcombe And The The Cindy E-Zone +New Species Of Van Gundy Sheds Light On Development Of Near-Human Ancestors +Excerpt From Tim Duncan's Shocking Autobiography 'My Slam Dunk Life' +Career Highlights Of Fat Kid Brian Muskeep +March Madness Officially Underway Following Email From Greg +Top Suspects In Shooting Of Obnoxious White Sox Catcher AJ Pierzynski +Nation Savoring Every Moment Of Glorious Late-February, Early-March Days +Tonight In The Dome: Latest From The NFL Labor Talks and Tim Duncan's Claim That He Has Had Over 10,00 Platonic Relationships With Women +Jim Joyce Accidentally Deletes Book He's Writing With Armando Galarraga +West Virginia Celebrates As 32 Die In Non-Mining-Related Accident +Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex +Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11 +U.S. Forces Take Over Key Afghan City That Will Be Retaken By Taliban When Marines Leave +Phil Collins Retires +Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time +Our Miss Reno Investigates +Peewee Football Player Retires To Spend More Time With His Mom And Dad +Area Man's Biggest Accomplishment Not Ever Killing Anyone With His Car +The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody +Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs +Which award does Brooke Alvarez's new book "Alone In The Herd Of Fools" more deserve to win? +Which Joe Biden would you rather have a beer with? +Police Release Michael Bay's Notebooks +Should American employees also be allowed scream in the copy room for three minutes a day? +Which Obama do want in office? +Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events +What do you think of Michael Bay's attack on LAX? +Will lower dating standards be enough to get your ugly friend Karen paired off? +High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy +Now that the U.S. Dating Standards have been readjusted, what's your ideal first date? +Should teachers be eliminated and replaced by dogs trained to press "play" on DVD players loaded with a single, long educational video? +Quiz: Is Your Weight Keeping You From Getting Drunk? +Tips For Dating In The Current Market +The New VP Uniform +U-SAY Responses To Scandalous Horse Spread +Obama's Life In Captivity +Should someone tell Conair to recall their pulsing, handheld showerheads too? +The TuckScreen: My Life As A Tween Icon +Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use +WATTAHELL YA THINKA TH INCOMPREHENSBLESHOUTING BILL? +New iPhone Application Tracks Progress Of Deceased Loved Ones' Decomposition +Texas Immigration Bill Includes Domestic-Worker Loophole +ESPN Doesn't Have Heart To Tell John Clayton He Has Never Actually Appeared On Television +Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter +Famous Offseason Workout Regimens +NOVA +Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party +Report: Crane Operator Last Remaining Fulfilling Occupation In U.S. +Huckabee Claims Obama Grew Up In Kenya +Al-Qaeda Recruiting Suicide Bombers With Promise Of Halfway Decent Job In Afterlife +CNN Anchor Interviews Al Jazeera Anchor Who Interviewed Libyan Rebels +How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border +DeMarcus Cousins Worried He Might Have Locker Room Cancer +Dwarf Actor Assured Guest Spot On 'How I Met Your Mother' Will Not Be Demeaning +Last American WWI Veteran Dies +Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail +iTube +Vin Scully: Broadcaster, Los Angeles Dodgers +'Born Ugly: The Willie McGee Story' Comes Under Fire +Andy Reid: Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles +Nick Johnson: DH, Free Agent +Muhammad Ali: Legendary Former Boxer +Charlie Manuel: Manager, Philadelphia Phillies +Tim McCarver: Broadcaster, Fox +The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape +Gene Keady: Assistant Coach, St. John's +Yao Ming: Center, Houston Rockets +Toad On The Road! +Chris Bosh's Frightening Night Locked In A Hot Car +OSN's Most Decrepit Men In Sports +Greg Oden: Center, Portland Trail Blazers +The NFL's History Of Military Action +Jim Calhoun's History Of Breaking The Rules And Wasting Away +Jim Calhoun: Head Coach, Connecticut Huskies +State Dept. Asks U.S. Citizens In Libya What The Hell They Were Doing In Libya +New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting +Wish Zone Returns With The Story Of A Boy Who Doesn't Let Wheelchair Stop Him From Beating Boy Who Accidentally Paralyzed Him +76ers Ask Knicks If They Want To Be In Rivalry With Them +Greyhound Now Charging Customers $15 Fee To Vomit In Aisle +Tonight In The Dome: Chris Bosh Left In A Hot Car By His Teammates, The NFL Bombs A Bootleg Merchandise Factory, And The Wish Zone Gives A Paralyzed Kid A Shot At Revenge +Dodgers Playing Extra Hard In Hopes Of Bringing Mom And Dad Back Together +Police Officers Waving Everyone Over To Take A Look At What Happened To This Guy +Man Raised By Parents Struggling To Adjust To Human Society +ESPN Draft Butcher Breaks Down 2011 Draft's Top Running Back Into Roasts, Steaks +Obama Finishes Deal To Get Every American A Free Parrot +Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search +18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing +Saving The Dodgers +Production Of 'Iceman Cometh' Canceled Due To Entire Cast Getting Called Back For Axe Body Spray Commercial +Couric Leaving CBS News +Silicon Valley Town Pinning Tourism Hopes On World's Largest Website +Al-Qaeda: Latest Missile Attack Bears Hallmarks Of U.S. Military +Covering The Royal Wedding +Jim Morrison Foundation Awards $50,000 Grant To Little Shit Who Thinks He's A Poet +Coffee At Highest Price Since ’70s +Obama's Deficit-Reduction Plan Includes Spending Cuts, Robbing Fort Knox, Tax Reform +Ryan Howard Asks Teammates If They Ever Noticed How Realistic Crowd Looks +Fort Knox Facts +If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility +Study: Only 4 Scenic Routes Left In Country +Apple Branded Least Green Tech Company +Socially Awkward Player Afraid To Ask If He’s Invited To Walk-Off Celebration +Who I Saw In Vegas +Anything, Anything At All +Man v. Food +Classic Laser Shows +Nation's Attractive People Demand We Send Them All $200 Checks +Lasers Could Replace Spark Plugs +Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time +Peyton Manning To Spend Several Weeks With Newborn Twins Before Naming Starting Child +Bed Monsters +'Arby's Has Been Putting More Onion Bits On Their Buns,' Reports Man Sinking Into Heavy Depression +New 49ers GM Asks If Team Can Use Draft Picks For Something Other Than Football Players +People Who Produce American Culture Warning Nation Ahead Of Time That Rest Of 2011 Going To Be Pretty Rough +Millions of People Prince William Would Never Deign To Speak To Captivated By Royal Wedding +Frustrated Kevin Durant Realizes He Forgot To Write-Off Several Dunks On Taxes +Green Considered Feminine +David Ortiz Terrified After Hearing About Red Sox Bats Coming Alive +Onion Sports 2011 Mock NFL Draft +Conga Line +'It's A Privilege To Have Worked With Such Talented People,' Says Coworker Getting The Fuck Out Of There +McDonald's Is Hiring +Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People +The Nixon Library's New Watergate Exhibit +BP Ready To Resume Oil Spilling +Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders +U.N. Evicted From Headquarters +Albert Pujols Embarrasses Cardinals By Returning To Dugout With First Base Stuck On Bottom Of Shoe +Don't Forget The Lyrics +The House Of B Must Continue +'The Economist' To Halt Production For Month To Let Readers Catch Up +‘Forever’ Stamp Features Wrong Lady Liberty +35 And Pregnant +IRS Can't Believe Area Man Didn't Get A Raise Last Year +YouTube Educates Offenders About Copyright +Ethicists Update List Of Acceptable Things To Masturbate To +NBA Honors Chris Paul For Heroically Saving Ball From Going Out Of Bounds +Guests Emerge Shell-Shocked From Rich People's Wedding +America's Next Top +Patrick Kane No Longer Able To Play With Blackhawks After Dad Gets New Job In Boise +Just When Couple Finally Stops Stressing About Having A Baby, They're Still Not Pregnant +Piece Of Art For Sale On Coffeehouse Wall Has Had It Up To Here With The Wiseass Remarks +Sleeping Air Traffic Controllers Prompts FAA Action +Vacation-Bound Rush Limbaugh To Do Nothing But Golf And Respect Minorities For 2 Weeks +Last Pick Of WNBA Draft Earns Title Of Saddest Woman In America +Miami Heat Complete Worst Season In NBA History At 58-24 +Notable Sports Collapses +The East Wing +Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves +Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process +Author Promoting Book Gives It Her All Whether It's Just 3 People Or A Crowd Of 9 People +Libyan Rebels Still Working Full-Time At Other Jobs +Get Him To Notice You During Sex +Unforgettable-Sex Chocolate Chip Cookies +Keep An Accessory Wall Next To Your Bed +Make Sure To Flirt +Obama Orders Guantánamo Prisoners Transferred To Next President +CEO Pay On The Rise Again +Replacing Meredith +Area Man Already Tired Of Adjusting His Fantasy Baseball Roster +Third-Party Candidate Forms Exploratory Committee To See Who Can Cover Shifts For Him In Coming Months +Ongoing Search +Aspen Police Continue Search For Missing Ski +Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash +50 Years Of Manned Space Flight +Jeff Suppan Approaches Omaha Residents With Offer To Do Small Pitching Jobs Around House +'Ghost Hunters' Enjoys Surprising 100% Success Rate +You Know, That Show +Branson To Dive To Uncharted Depths +Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore +Writer Unwilling To Admit His Screenplay Perfect Fit For Justin Long +Congress Cuts Funding For 26-Year-Old Stepson +Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move +The Oprah Winfrey Show +UConn Women Disgusted They Lost To Women's Basketball Team +Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage +Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing +Beck: Trump Making Me 'Uncomfortable' +Qaddafi Asks Closest Advisers If They Think He's A Bad Person +Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors +Brad Stevens Fired After Losing Second Consecutive NCAA Finals +The Unique Challenges Of Augusta National +Castle +Longer Work Day May Increase Heart Attack Risk +Lazy Event Planner Throws 'Bags Of Ice'–Themed Party +FBI Director Sheepishly Admits Agency Hasn't Solved Single Crime In 10 Years +U.S. To Just Hand Terry Jones Over To Fundamentalist Muslims +General Electric's Aggressive Tax Strategy +Juror Brings Baseball Glove To Barry Bonds Perjury Trial +Teen Rebel Refusing To Purchase Yearbook +Governor Of 'Broke' State Hires Donor's Dropout Son +White House To Hold Second Auditions This Week For Nationwide Production Of 'Guys And Dolls' +Too Many Geese +FDA: Food Dye/Hyperactivity Data Inconclusive +Goddamn It, The Neighbors Are Silently Going At It Again, I Imagine +Home Burglary Reveals Rays Players' Horrible Living Situation +GOP Completely Fixes Economy By Canceling Funding For NPR +Biden Calls Dibs On Qaddafi's Clothes +Trial By Judy +Neurologists Paint Grim Picture Of 'Madden' Football's Long-Term Effect On Players' Brains +Kemba Walker Wants To Be The One To Throw Ball Up At Very End Of Game +GoDaddy CEO Posts Elephant Killing Video +Cooking For Large Groups +Eating Locally +Area Dad Off To Bad Start With Waitress +Will They/Won't They +Butler Bulldogs Inspire Thousands Of Tall, Goony-Looking Midwestern Dorks +Study: 38 Age It Too Late +Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved +Cutting Oil Imports By One Third +5-Year-Old Critics Agree: Movie ‘Cars’ Only Gets Better After 40th Viewing +Chicago Cubs Can't Believe They're Doing This Again +NCAA Schedules VCU For Final Four Play-In Game Just To Be Sure +Biggest All-Time NCAA Tournament Upsets +America's Next Top RoboCop +Part Of Me Wants To See This Acrobat Fall To His Death vs. Part Of Me Wants To See That Guy In The Third Row Have A Heart Attack In Front Of His Family +Crystal Cathedral Sold +Charles Barkley: ‘There Were Only Ever 3 Straight NBA Players’ +FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit +Report: Game Of Knockout Awesome +Loser Congressman Carries Around Pocket-Sized Version Of Constitution Everywhere +Pope Vows To Crack Down On Crime In Vatican City Slum +Frontline +A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations +Man Unable To Explain Contempt He Feels For Group Of People Enjoying One Another's Company +Veins +Cleveland Enters Second Month Of Complete Silence So As Not To Jinx Indians +Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year +'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes +Google, Sprint Announce Mobile Phone Payment Service +Lance Armstrong: I Never Failed One Of Those Shitty, Easy-To-Fool Doping Tests +Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds +NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments +It's 10 Already? +Report: Kevin Durant’s Success Could Lead To More NBA Teams Drafting Tall Players +Al-Qaeda's New Leadership +Smallpox Destruction Delayed +Panicked Man Looking For Son Stressing Everybody Out +Economists Gently Suggest American Manufacturing Maybe Start Again With Something Simple Like A Ball +Bin Laden Returns To Sea +Bin Laden's Path Of Destruction +Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington +California Must Cut Inmate Population +Unplugged +Let's Just Go Ahead And Assume We've Learned The Lessons Of The Gabrielle Giffords Shooting +Excited Padres Ask Manager If Cardinals Can Sleep Over +Woman Arrested In Moon Rock Sale Bust +We In Golden Age Of Thing, Guy Who Likes Thing Reports +16 & Pure Energy +Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases +Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive +Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research +Maple Syrup Reactors Safe, Canadian Prime Minister Reassures +Russell Westbrook +Lunatic Realizes Thing He Screamed In Middle Of Street Earlier Not Entirely True +Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World +Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors +Star Trek: The Next Iteration +World To End Saturday +Government Official Who Makes Perfectly Valid, Well-Reasoned Point Against Israel Forced To Resign +Player-Led Workouts +Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title +Dollars, Design & Dennis +Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal +Santorum Contradicts McCain On ‘Enhanced Interrogation’ +High School Fuckup Now In Charge Of Checking Airport Luggage For Explosives +Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups +Now's Not The Time For Spiders! +Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots +Sesame Street +A Look Inside Planned Parenthood's $8 Billion Abortionplex +Scott Erickson Attempts To Sell 1994 No-Hitter On eBay +Daughter Taken From Mom After Botox Admission +Obama, Tennessee Titans Have No Clue Why Team Invited To White House +Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex +Oklahoma City Thunder Wander Town Aimlessly Looking For Place To Celebrate Big Win +Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie +Baseball Experts: It Still Early +Desperate PBS Premieres Nova: Boobs A-Bouncin' +Vatican Blames Man-Made Emissions For Global Warming +Genuine Love And Respect Only Thing Holding Area Relationship Together +Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location +Animal Kingdom +Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter +Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone +Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit +Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title +HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer +Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson +Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock +Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing +Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties +Justin Verlander Doesn’t Bother Telling Parents Difference Between No-Hitter And Perfect Game +Have My Leftovers +I Gave You Life, You Ungrateful Bastard +If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought +Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate +It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar +John Edwards Pays $30 To Register Edwards2016.com Just In Case +Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World +Zeitgeist Hunters +Storage Wars +Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets +The Post-College Job Hunt +Gingrich Announces Candidacy +Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man +Exhausted Derek Jeter Sleeps 20 Hours Straight After 2-Home-Run Game +Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once +Team Owners Object to MLB's New Run-Sharing Agreement +142 Plane Crash Victims Were Statistically More Likely To Have Died In A Car Crash +Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn't Work +Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists +Report: Samantha's New Haircut Pretty Bad, But Don't Say Anything +Slow-Working Pitcher Really Getting Inside Head Of Kid In Crowd Who Needs To Go To The Bathroom +Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students +Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance +What's The Point? +UFC Fighter Has Idea For T-Shirt With A Bunch Of Shit Written All Over It +Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly +Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial +Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits +Man Could See Himself Spending Rest Of Life With Image Of Woman In Head +Athletes In Politics +NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises +California Has Nation's Worst Air +Penguin Autopsy +U.S. Sets Tornado Record +Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man +Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting +Beastie Boys Release New Album +Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue +Phillies Season-Ticket Holder Stuck With Goddamn Joe Blanton Game Again +Congress Gets In 12 Solid Hours Of Gridlocking Before Calling It A Day +Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled +Late Night With Jimmy Fallon +Mariah Spawns Twins +Knicks Management Puzzled As To Why Chauncey Billups Wants To Return +The White Nation Will Never Resume Its Rightful Place Until One Of Us Learns How To Make A Decent Website +Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval +Kids Eat The Darnedest Things +Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine +Fans Disappointed To Learn 'Fast Five' Contains No Car-Chase Scenes +Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use +Mariano Rivera Yelled At For Blowing Save +PlayStation 3 Data Breach May Be Biggest Ever +Boise Homemaker Bows Toward Mecca Just To See What It's Like +Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics +30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle' +Buying Someone A Drink +Official Poster For 'Terminal Gust' +Glee +Sources: C'mon, Just Give Us The Goddamn Pulitzer Already +Tireless, Hardworking Reporter Has Already Won Greatest Prize Of All +'Onion' Snubbed By Pulitzers +Media Watchdog Spokesman Sought On Embezzlement Charges +If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People +Mother Of Slaying Victim Glad It Was Onion Reporter Who Knocked On Her Door Half An Hour After Funeral +Seymour Hersh +Pack of Vultures +Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee +Top This +Millions Have Never Read The Onion +Investigation Exposes eBay User For Selling Fake Pulitzer Medals +Reporter Spends Month Undercover In Mass Grave +Son Of Edward R. Murrow Says Father 'Real Dirtbag' Compared To Onion Reporters +Too Much Integrity? +Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing +Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders +Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts +Onion Continues To Touch Millions +News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity +Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage +Dressing Up For Going Out +Preparing For Your Night Out +Mysterious Black Family Going From NASCAR Race To NASCAR Race +Previous Pulitzer Winners: 'Feels So Hollow Knowing There Are Far More Deserving Institutions' +I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph Pulitzer +Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars +Nation's Dads Treated To Mark Knopfler Meet-And-Greet +Slippery Slope +Another Boxing Hall Of Fame Induction Ends With Everyone Punching Each Other +Partygoer Gets Thoughtful +Man With Broken Foot Plunged Into World Of Human Kindness, Caring +U.S. General Jealous That Syrian Army Allowed To Attack Citizens +How Powerhouse Teams Came Up Short +America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas +'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released +Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time +Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City’s History +Trunkful Of Babies +American Students Not Proficient In History +'America's Most Wanted' Canceled +Obama's Aunt Sends Him Article Mentioning United States +Thousands Turn Out For Empire State Building's Annual No-Hassle Suicide Day +Derek Jeter Just 6 Squib Grounders, Shallow Bloops Away From 3,000 Hits +Detective Trying To Get Into Mind Of Litterer +Disney Raises Theme Park Admission +Baserunner Caught In Rundown Bites Cyanide Capsule To Avoid Falling Into Enemy Hands +Chasers Of Storm Chasers +I Had Bedbugs, But They're All Cleared Up Now +New York Court: Lap Dances Not Tax-Exempt +New Study Finds Best Sunscreen Is Layer Of Human Blood +Tim Pawlenty Shaves Off Every Hair On His Body In Really Weird Campaign Gaffe +How I Met Steve +Gingrich Loses Top Advisers +Members Of U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Love Each Other Like Sisters And All That Shit +Young Billionaire's Age Not Reported For Sake Of Nation's Ego +Disgusted Supreme Court Can't Believe It Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected Under First Amendment +Nation Wishes Area Man Were A Creep, But, Ugh, He's Actually Really Fucking Nice +Report: Someone Needs To Step Up +Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills +Thing That Got Area Man A Laugh To Be Done Repeatedly For Next 12 Years +Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard +Revelations In The New ESPN Book +Grizzly Bear Sprained Paw While Mauling Hunter, Reports Ranger +Ohio State Hires Jim Tressel As Head Football Coach +Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies +Undercover Bass +California To Release All Prisoners Who Seem Nice Enough +Atlantic City Is Dying +GM CEO Suggests Additional $1 Gas Tax +Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan +School Application Blasted For Inappropriate Question +Senile Senator Allowed To Believe He Solved Immigration Crisis +NHL: Toothless Players Gumming On Each Other's Fingers Is Harmless +Cole Hamels Disgusted By Opposing Pitchers Leaving Trash On Mound +Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination +American Sleazebags +Dale Earnhardt Jr. Sick Of Everyone Assuming He's A Good Driver +I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show +Scientists Trap Antimatter For Record Time +Poll: 81% Of Office Workers Would Rather Stay Late Than Ride Elevator With Richard +Fix Your Wagon Good +Catherine Zeta-Jones Happy To See People On Internet Would Still Hit That +Food Pyramid Scrapped +NHL Fines Ozzie Guillen Just To See If He'll Pay +Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street +Stanley Cup Finals vs. NBA Finals +Editors Of '401 Best Soups' Cookbook Still Fighting +Nation's Women Throwing Themselves At New No. 1 Ranked Golfer Luke Donald +Point Of Story Apparently That Man Ate At Restaurant +Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play +Undercover Boss +A History Of Ohio State's Rules Violations +NCAA Lacrosse National Championship Goes Off Without A Hitch +Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn’t Of Him +Gruesome Home Plate Collision Reawakens Nation’s Love Affair With Baseball +Educated Bigot That Much More Terrifying +Planet Earth +Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial +Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial +Guy Who Got Laid Off Just Glad Multi-National Corporation Will Make It +Report: Life Put In Hands Of 2,000 Complete Strangers Every Single Day +Prince William Divorces Kate Middleton After 5 Weeks +New Jersey To Pull Out Of Greenhouse Gas Agreement +Joba Chamberlain Holds Stuffed-Animals-Only Meeting +History Channel Treating Invention Of Popcorn Like It's Fucking Penicillin +Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave +The Stride +Area Man Got So Wasted And Abusive Last Night +No Way! +Out-Of-Control Conversation Safely Turned Back Onto Self +Tim Wakefield Tries To Get Line Drive To Put Him Out Of Misery +Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place +2011 MLB Season Dominated By Pitchers, Hitters, Fielders +Critics: NBC's 'Playboy Club' Glamorizes Pornography +Breaking Down The New NFL Labor Agreement +All Flights Grounded After FAA Officials Suddenly Realize That Man Was Not Meant To Fly +Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement +What's In The Box? +Al Qaeda infrastructure +Cruel Summer +Congressman Resigns Over “Unwanted” Sexual Incident +New Documentary Focuses On Life Of Eva Braun's Late Husband +Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks +Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ability To Lead +Emergency Team Of 8th-Grade Civics Teachers Dispatched To Washington +Big Drugs About To Go Generic +Twins Shocked To Learn You Can Score 2 Runs In Same Play +Nation Ready For Its Din Din +USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program +Men Of An Uncertain Age +Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit +Shaq Prepares For New TNT Job By Doing Research On Talking +Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead +Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In +I Gotta Be A Roadie +Nation's Weirdest Teenager Buys Season One DVD Of 'Murphy Brown' +New Law Bans Cyclist Harassment +Rupert Murdoch Worried He Might Have Damaged Heretofore Perfect Reputation +Yankees Talking To Several Teams About Robinson Cano: ‘He’s Good And We’re Going To Keep Him’ +Family Requests Privacy During This Unbelievably Awesome Time +Murdoch +Darren Clarke +Frame Guys +Pirates Starting To Pay Attention To Themselves +Artists Announce They've Found All The Beauty They Can In Urban Decay +Last Male Heir To Bloodline Watches Movie Alone On Laptop +Sandwich From Television Commercial Spotted At Local Restaurant +Perry +Hobbies +Phil Mickelson Laughs Off 2nd-Place Finish, Blows Brains Out In Car +Highlights Of Ben Roethlisberger’s Wedding +Kim Kardashian Suing Old Navy +Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year +Manager, Pitcher Go Through Entire Bottle Of Wine During Really Great Mound Visit +Tosh.0 +God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President +News Corp. Under Fire For Cell Phone Hacks +FBI Raids Homes In 'Anonymous' Sweep +Nation's Optometrists Finally Starting To Recover After Raucous Optic Disc Expo 2011 +Congress Continues Debate Over Whether Or Not Nation Should Be Economically Ruined +Should the nation be allowed to fall into economic ruin? +Budweiser Can Sports New Look +Phone Hack Whistleblower Found Dead +Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day +Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation's Jobless +City Opens New Art Jail +Follow That Dollar Bill +These Summer Movies Are Blockbusting My Wallet! +'Sports' Wins 11th Consecutive ESPY For 'Best Thing' +Casey Anthony Released +15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers +Minnesota Bars Running Dry +Congress Spotted Leaving Gay Nightclub +U.S. Quietly Slips Out Of Afghanistan In Dead Of Night +Scratch Our Back... +Fourth-Grader’s World War II Project Vastly Oversimplifies Importance Of Air Combat, Uncle Reports +Can I Stand Here? +NFL Players, Owners Warn Lockout May Be Over In Time For Exhibition Games +Derek Jeter Relieved He Can Go Back To Not Hitting Ball +Sadly, Gift Certificate To Loews Cinemas Perfect Gift For Area Man +Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival +Hope Solo +Great Home Run Derby Moments +U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Better Not Fucking Blow It +Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend +Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend +Area Woman Always Has Backup Problem Just In Case +Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee +The Rochester Way +Obama dance +Dumptruck +Pope +Last Shuttle Launched Into Space +'Brady Bunch' Creator Dead At 94 +Report: You Know You Are A Fucking Idiot, Right? +China Agrees To Erase Portion Of U.S. Debt If Americans Dress Up In Costumes And Perform Silly Dance For Them +Woman problem +The Next Day +Getting Everyone Together +New Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Strain Found +Obama Sort Of Freaked Out After Not Receiving Single E-Mail, Phone Call For Entire Day +Vatican Reverses Stance On Gay Marriage After Meeting Tony And Craig +Winter Olympic Event Guide: Snøkåathlaan, Part 2 +Breaking Bad +Yeah, Take It Off +U.S. Withdraws $800 Million In Pakistan Aid +Nickname To Forever Prevent People From Getting To Know The Real Dumptruck +Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Matchup Between Best Available Non-Injured Players Willing To Play In Game +Very Lenient Umpire Tells Base Runner Next Time He Gets Tagged He’s Out +After-Bar Activities +Extremist Groups Flourish In Northwest U.S. +Cake Boss +Kevin Youkilis Puts Sign-Up Sheet For Threesome In Red Sox Dugout +Funk Congress +Twisted Sister +Miracle Baby Born With Job +New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators +Music Festival Tips +Fish +Dick Armey +Perry Became Millionaire In Politics +Patient Referred To Physician Who Specializes In Giving A Shit +Catcher Doesn't Have Heart To Throw Out Stealing Johnny Damon +Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree +ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY +Push The Button! +If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can +Half Of Adults Obese By 2030 +B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game +Tea Party Congressman Calls For Tax Breaks To Put Out Raging Wildfire In District +Wanna Be On A Bravo Show? +Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite +New Species Count: 8.7 Million +Ongoing Iraqi Violence Almost Makes American Invasion Seem Pointless +Level-Headed Yankee Fans To Take Curtis Granderson's Excellent Season Into Account Should He Struggle Down Stretch +Terrelle Pryor +19 14 Kids And Counting +NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks +Cash-Strapped Oklahoma To Conduct Executions By Hammering Squad +Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out +Let's Make It Real +THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE +Miami's Alleged Violations +America Gets Set To Enjoy Month Or So Of Libya Seeming Like Symbol Of Freedom +Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown +Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes +Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game +Big Mac: Inside The McDonald's Empire +Republicans Praise Nixon Administration For Allowing Qaddafi To Rule Libya So He Could One Day Be Overthrown +Overtired 398-Month-Old Throws Tantrum +Steve Jobs Resigns +PayPal Founder To Create Island +New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers' +Comic Sans +Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?' +Lewis Out For MDA Telethon +McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace +Notre Dame Stays Competitive, Falls Short In Intra-Squad Scrimmage +Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill +I Shouldn't Be Alive +Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth +As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down vs. This Shelter For Homeless AIDS Sufferers Has Been Defunded; Please Gather Your Things +Bears Offensive Line Coach Mike Tice Fairly Close To Learning Difference Between Tackle And Guard +Report: At This Point, Most Americans Feel More Comfortable In Dying Economy +Cool It +Qaddafi Regime Ends +DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11 +'Extreme Couponing' Craze Increases Newspaper Theft +Nation's Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree +Report: No One Over 13 Wants To Play QB For Redskins +Dan Uggla +Area Man Guesses He Doesn't Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore +Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter +Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway +Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship +2011 College Football Preseason Poll +Sports Psychologists Suggest Tiger's Slump May Be Because Of All That Shit He Went Through +Abercrombie & Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship +Freshman Asks New Roommate Not To Hide Masturbation From Him +Jerk Off +Attractive, Diverse Peer Group Gathers For Popular Refreshments, High-Definition Sports Broadcast +Antiques Roadshow +Why Would You Prefer To Be An Animatronic Bear? +Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus +State Fair Season +1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls +Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear +I Didn't Know I Was +FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown +Pawlenty Supporters Can Only Dream What It Would Have Been Like If Candidate Dropped Out 2 Months Later +Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago +49ers Front Office Excited For Meeting With Football Player +Apocalypse +Nation's Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance +Holder Visa +Eric Clapton To Release New Album Inspired By Blues Music +Pawlenty Drops Out +Dustin Pedroia Asks Buddy To Watch Second Base For Couple Innings +Last Name & Other Last Name +Bert And Ernie Not Gay +2012 Seniors Thunder Into High School's Parking Lot Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad +Nashville Sports Reporter Likes To Consider Himself 'One Of The Guys' In Titans Locker Room +Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam +Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me +Low-Budget Film Panders Just As Shamelessly As Big Studio Feature +Prove It +After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love +Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park +Deion Sanders +With .163 Average, Adam Dunn No Longer Considered A Baseball Player +Most Memorable Hall Of Fame Speeches +Iowa Straw Poll Saturday +Gay Telling +Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The Fucking Nerve To Appear On National Television +Obama Proposes Tax Increase On Meanest 2% Of Population +Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno +Rick Steves' Asia +Scientists Say Newly Discovered Earthlike Planet Could Support Robust Economy +Magazine Sales Continue Downward Trend +Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September +Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other +McConnell +Are Sack Lunches Unsafe? +Pardon Me, Madame, Do You Have A Moment For Fancy Man Rights? +Consumers Now Required To Seek Treasury Department Approval On All Purchases Over $50 +Ryan Braun Not About To Look Like An Idiot By Attempting Diving Catch In Outfield +College Student Still Managing To Look Like Asshole In Picture Of Village He Helped Build +New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable +Civil War Hospital +Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial +Solar Activity Has Electric Companies On Alert +Area Loser Blissfully Unaffected By Whims Of Stock Market +New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook +Onion News Network Is The Loudest Voice In News (Season 1: Ep 5 on IFC) +SSI: Boca Raton +Groups Oppose Perry's Prayer Meeting +Bristol Palin Interview Accidentally Reveals Mother's 15 Abortions +Broncos Center Apologizes To Team After Accidentally Snapping Ball To Brady Quinn +Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System +Study: Whites To Be Minority In Donaldson Family By 2027 +Pirates Acquire Lee, Ludwick To Bolster 2nd-Half Collapse +Man Just Walked Into Best Buy For No Reason Whatsoever +Tom And Julie's Reasons For Entering Couples Therapy Explained To Silent Dinner Guests +Randy Moss +Visa Calls Indians To Confirm They Actually Did Intend To Take On More Salary +Blogging Teacher To Return To Work +Most Notable Recent Player Transactions +Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall +Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer +'Oldest Bird' Not Actually Bird +Obama compromise +Dunkin' Donuts Employee Busted For Prostitution +Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition +Kid Massive +States Slashing Arts Budgets +Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal Required Tough Concessions By Both Democrats And Democrats Alike +Danny DeVito A Lot Taller, Thinner In Person +Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is +Doctors Concerned As Joe Blanton’s Goatee Flares Up Again +Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury +I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already +Soccer Player In Blue Shirt Happy +FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now +Democrats, Republicans Celebrate Pitiful Excuse For Common Ground +Woman Fined For Truck Nutz +X Games Perused To See If That Kid With The Skateboard From High School Is In It +Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze +Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn't Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks +Scientists Augment Brain With Computer +Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion +Great Players' Worst Games +Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs +Bill Belichick Forgets About Loss By Relaxing In Bathtub Filled With Warm Entrails +A Mean Guy, A Gay Guy, And A Girl +Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases +Hostage Negotiation Talks Stall In Congress +Asteroid To Destroy Earth +R.E.M. Breaks Up +Panicked ER Doctor Calls 911 +Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage +Just Desserts +Doritos Creator Dies +Expiration Of Contract Allows Fergie To Put On Pair Of Pants For First Time In 5 Years +Syracuse Leaves Big East For Woman Named 'Misti' +Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions +Sarah High +Putin Moves To Return To Presidency +Law & Order: Special Victims Unit +Ask The Concept Of Phenomenology In Architecture As Developed By The Norwegian Theorist Christian Norberg-Schulz +Twins Continue Clawing Their Way Down To Bottom Of Standings +Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years +Gamers Succeed Where Scientists Couldn't +California To Allow Prisoners To Serve Sentences Online +Al Michaels Asks Cris Collinsworth If They Can Talk About Something Other Than Football +Biden Roof +Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof +Otherwise Savvy Woman Duped By Mascara Makers Again +Floyd Mayweather +Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store +Cam Newton Proving He Can Throw Football A Lot +God: Human Body Not Designed To Play Football +Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics +General Mills Releases New Lucky Charms With 15 Percent Less Leprechaun Meat +Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins +Being A Better Neighbor +Iran Frees American Hikers +House Haunters +Doc Martin +Bill Gates Spends $56 Million On Amazon In One Night +U.N. Address Ends In Tragedy As Ahmadinejad Suffers Third Degree Burns From Malfunctioning Pyrotechnics +Satellite To Hit Earth This Week +ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012 +Cool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her Generation +Netflix Starts Qwikster +Bugs Infesting Area Apartment Have No Clear Goal +First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas +Rick Perry's Alaska +Republicans Call Tax Proposal 'Class Warfare' +Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina +Report: Majority Of Baseball Players Swallow Up To Six Baseballs In Their Sleep Per Year +They're Canceling My Favorite Soap! +Roommate, Girlfriend Never Seem To Have Sex +FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice +No Complaints If A Remake Of 'Emma' With Jon Hamm And Emily Blunt Got Thrown Our Way, Nation's Girlfriends Report +Team Returns To Stadium In Dead Of Night To Retrieve All They Left On Field +Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace +Dancing With The Star +Justin Verlander +Grandfather Tries To Make First Fall As Cool-Looking As Possible +Just Like Everything Else! +Everyone On Seahawks A Bad Secret Weapon +'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store +Baseball’s Annual Awards: 2011 Edition +Eli Manning Buys Silly Hat To Make Himself Feel Better +FBI Probing Johansson Phone Hack +B.J. Upton Greeted By Teammates After Historic Circumnavigation Of Bases +Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far +ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR +American Secrets For Sale +Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High +Smithsonian Rejects Tie Dylan McDermott Wore In 'The Practice' +Sears Quote +U.S. Economic Recovery Resting On Man Currently Perusing Sears Power Tools Section +Ancient Mysteries +Jerry Jones On Cowboys' Loss: 'This Was The Worst 9/11 Ever' +Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus +New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men +Friend Lives Strange Other Life As Manchester United Fan +Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars +That's Delicious! +Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation +U.S. Funding Video Games +Lack Of Media Interest Makes Genocide Cover-Up Unnecessary +Boxer Who Killed Other Guy In Ring Somehow Not World Champion Now +New Mexico Governor's Grandparents Were Illegal Immigrants +The Big O +'If Only Sully Had Been Flying Those Planes On 9/11,' Grade-A Idiot Remarks +Chris Bosh Announces Plans To Spend NBA Lockout Playing Basketball Alone In Driveway +U.S. Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government From Top Of Freedom Tower +Playin' Possum?!? +Man Who Likes To Be Jostled Moving To City +Busy Referee Regrets Not Finding Time To Throw Flag Around With Son +Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps +Continental Sports Channel To Hold 10th Anniversary Memorial Service For 'Sports Night' Employees Killed On 9/11 +Crane Collapse Delays National Cathedral Repair +9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders Found At Ground Zero +Most Surprising Training Camp Cuts +Family Relieved To Hear Good Grandma Didn't Die +House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus +Grown Men Inspired By Stupid Little Sign Hanging In Locker Room +Ghost-Storm Chasers +Area Woman's Baseless Hatred Of Anne Hathaway Reciprocated +ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY'S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION +Cheney's New Memoir +Smoking Rates Down +Shitty Zoo Promoting Hell Out Of New Fruit Bat +Hostess Fruit Pie Theater +Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years +Post Office Nearly Bankrupt +Obama Commercial +NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations +Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial +We Need To Do More When It Comes To Having Brief, Panicked Thoughts About Climate Change +Obama Will Not Preempt Football +Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché +Three More Syrians Killed As Tom Weighs Merits Of Drafting Neil Rackers +Pawn Stars +New Study Reveals Majority Of Americans Want +NCAA Football Recruitment Reduced To Series Of Winks, Eyebrow Raises +Responsible Cable News Outlets To Devote Sensible Amount Of Airtime To 10th Anniversary Of 9/11 +Saints vs. Packers +Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It +You Can't Do That On Television! +4-Year-Old’s Optimism Just Making Things Worse For Area Family +Orioles Winning Streak Has O's Fans Worried About Rest Of League +Area Man Obsessed With Knowing If Kevin Spacey Asshole In Real Life +Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now +Top 2011 College Football Matchups +AT&T, T-Mobile Merger Faces Roadblock +Lovie Smith Says Voices In Headset Keep Calling Him Idiot +Look At 'Em Go! +What print media would you be foolish not to invest in? +Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug +Nostalgic Scientists Rediscover Polio Vaccine +Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize +Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness +New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse And There's Nothing We Can Do About It +Guys Working +Population Reaches 7 Billion +New Facebook Feature Allows User To Cancel Account +Cocky Miami Dolphins Already Booking Hotel Rooms For Week 12 Game At Dallas +Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt +FAA To Ban Plane Crashes +Joe Buck Walks In On Troy Aikman Covering NFL Game With Another Man +LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle +Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot +Lions Fans Excited To Be Booing Again +Wal-Mart Shutters New York Fashion Presence +Greatest World Series Moments +Popular New DirecTV Package Offers Zero NHL Games +Record Year For Abortion Restrictions +Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S. +U.S. To Offer Tax Incentives To Companies That Do Not Openly Make World Worse At Every Turn +Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything +Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults +John Madden Agrees To Work As Consultant For Raiders Concession Stand +MTV's Occupy Wall Street +FDA Approves Putting Picture Of Trish On Cigarette Packs +Another U.S. Downgrade Looming +Paul Simon Wondering How One Goes About Getting A Column On 'The Huffington Post' +This Sure Is A Spooky Time For The Economy +Eli Manning Announces Second Down Is His Favorite Down +Andy Reid Asks Sean Payton If He Is Going To Eat His Torn MCL +Town Seeks To Criminalize Walking And Biking +Newly Deployed Soldier Has Dreamed Of Fighting In Afghan War Since He Was Little Kid +Mitt Romney's Goal To Connect With One Voter By The Time This Is All Over +Republican Presidential Debate +Mother's Little Angel Just Made Fun Of Classmate's Weight For 30 Straight Minutes +Fox Launches 'We're Not Any Happier About This Than You Are' Campaign Promoting World Series +Former 'Munsters' Star Butch Patrick To Write Autobiography On Word Processor Bought At Yard Sale +Pop Goes the Wiesel +Making IndyCar Racing Safer +Lions, Tigers Killed In Ohio +Mom Can't Wait For Halloween Episode Of 'The Big Bang Theory' +Bears Somehow Proud Of Selves For Beating Vikings +Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game +Qaddafi Killed +New Dr Pepper Drink Aimed At Men +Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer +Occupy Toronto +New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters +Antiques Sideshow +Rangers vs. Cardinals +California Doctors Endorse Marijuana Legalization +Cam Newton Leaves Panthers To Start Own Football Team +Management Determined To Find Out Who In Company Leaked Information That CEO Is Asshole +Federal Government To Reduce Madoff's Sentence If He Can Infiltrate U.S. Economy In 48 Hours And Turn It Around +Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate +Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals +Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby +Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home +Cleveland Browns Fan Beginning To Question His Future With Team +Dogtective +Man In Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Polling Ahead Of Romney +New Legislation Would Shut Down U.S. Education System, Give Each American Student $3,000 To Start Own Small Business +Cain's 9-9-9 Plan Would Cost Average Americans More +Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now +Leaf-Hunting Season Begins +Ryan Braun +Ryan Braun +Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer +Report: All The Good Seashells Taken +Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence +The Life And Times Of Al Davis +'85 Bears Visit To White House Marred By Former Players Tracking Dog Shit Everywhere +Handshake Comes In At Unusually High Angle, Velocity +Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle +The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street +Christie Endorses Romney +Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else +Nation Waiting For Protesters To Clearly Articulate Demands Before Ignoring Them +'Joe The Plumber' Running For Congress +Obama Seeks Approval Of 'Occupy Wall Street' Protestors By Punching Banker In The Face +End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry +Lone Post On Jaguars Fan Message Board Requests Directions To Stadium +U.S. Back On Top As Gas Prices Drop Slightly +Fans Of Victorious Nobel Laureates Riot In Stockholm +Saudi Women Receive Husbands' Explicit Permission To Celebrate Right To Vote +Texas Pastor Calls Mormonism Cult +The Ecstasy Of Defeat +I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon +Nation's Brothers-In-Law Know Exactly What They Want For Christmas +Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs +Jets Offensive Line Signs Up For Continuing Education Class On Pass Blocking +New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory +Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer +New Study Finds Link Between Cancer, Reading Text On Computer Screen +Area Man Somehow Endures Harrowing Entertainment-Free Commute +Everybody Shocked Body Found In Woods Not Justin +Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour +Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something +Shaken Secretary Of Transportation Reduces Speed Limit To 5 MPH After Witnessing Accident +NBC Cancels 'Playboy Club' +The Great Sports Books +Vikings Sticking With McNabb Because They Hate Him +Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died +Andy Rooney Stepping Down +Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies +Steve Jobs Dead +Nervous American Voters Worried About Botching Another Election +Obama Not Sure How To Handle Compliment +Koch Brothers Made Illegal Sales To Iran +Umpire Asks Catcher To Move Up A Little +‘Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,’ Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu +New NPR Head Comes From 'Sesame Street' +Apple: New iPhone Good +No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool +Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About +No more kids +Boardwalk Con Men Hit Hard By Sharp Decrease In Chumps +Occupy Wall Street Growing +NHL Not Quite Sure Why It Has A Preseason +Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While +Ryan Fitzpatrick +Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish +What Man Thinks Is Recycling Takes City Workers 2 Hours A Day To Sort +Longtime Coffee Shop Employee Thought Customers Would Care More About His Last Day +Cake Boss +Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit +Scientists Create Lightest Material +54 Iraqis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore +Tommy Santiago And Joni Wills +Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future +How To Turn Down A Dare Graciously +'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis +U.S. Adds 4 Million Jobs But In St. Louis +Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal +Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women +Old-Fashioned No-Water Practice Gets High School Diving Coach Fired +Record Sales Expected For Cyber Monday +Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police' +Dolphins vs. Cowboys +Budget Super Committee A Bust +Russian Hackers Target Water Supply +U.S. Births Drop Again +Prescription: Bedtime +Area Ford Taurus Thinks It Could've Made It In NASCAR If It Had Started Earlier +Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway +Burger King Introduces New Thing To Throw In Front Of Kids After Another Hellish Day At Work +High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions +America's Great Interstate Rest Stops +Eagles Having Postmodernist Short-Storybook Season +Team Unsure Of What Fans Mean By 'Go!' +Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music +China Uneasy About American Troop Deployment +More Vegetables Evolving Chocolate-Sauce-Filled Centers As Evolutionary Imperative +NHL's Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players +NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs +Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement +How To Rise To The Challenge +I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate +The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout +'Family Circus' Creator Dead +NASA Seeking Astronauts +Rick Santorum Asks U.S. Populace If He's Still Running For President +Report: Jessica Milly Has Put Out +Parking Wars +When Will Jessica Milly Officially Put Out For The First Time? +Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns +Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out +Nation To Bring In Revenue By Offering Official United States Of America Franchise Opportunities +Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb +Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters +Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV +I Know I'm Pregnant +Crystal Returns To Oscars +Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues +Report: Military Contractor Overcharged Pentagon For Torturing Iraqi Citizens +Jets vs. Patriots +Previously On +Friend's Excuses For Why He Can't Hang Out Getting More Sophisticated Over Time +Bus Passenger Believes She Lives In World Where Curried Shrimp Is Odorless +Eli Manning Throws Big-Boy Touchdown +House Hunters International +Celebratory Jets Dump Cooler Of Soap And Water On Rex Ryan +Jobs' Last Words Revealed +A House Like No Other +Revelations From Shaq’s New Book +Hoover Biopic Opens Today +Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick +New York City Marathon Winner Does Cool-Down Jog Back To Kenya +Sports Media Asks Molestation Victims What This Means For Joe Paterno's Legacy +Embarrassed JCPenney Announces All It's Sold In Past Year Is Two Fleece Jackets And A Scattergories Game +Police: Student Had Embarrassingly Bad Plans For School Shooting +Berlusconi To Step Down +Whitney +Owners Of Google Hope To Parlay World's Most Popular Website Into Book Deal +Store-Bought Honey May Be Dangerous +Report: It All Some Kind Of Sick Joke +NBA Says They Can Still Salvage A 10-Game Season +Brendan Fraser To Star In New Pre-Movie Trivia Question +The Entertainer's House +I Got A Beat Down From A Crazy Cat Dude +Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective +Charlie Rose +Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually +Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next +Rams Take First Down Off To Enjoy The Beautiful Field Position +Greenhouse Gases Worse Than Worst Prediction +Walking Dead +November 8 +Greatest Moments Of Tony La Russa's Career +Woman With Furrowed Brow On Airplane Carefully Studies Article About Which Actress Wore Dress Better +Adult Bookstore To Enhance Shopping Experience With Café +Marvin Lewis On Suicide Watch After Becoming Winningest Coach In Bengals History +Cute 8-Year-Old Starting To Realize How Much Better She Is Than Ugly Girls +Pulitzer Board Adds Giant Pumpkin Category +Grey's Boobs +LSU at ALABAMA +Satire Mag Burned For Muhammad Cartoon +Brandon Jacobs Furious At Giants Coaching Staff For Not Giving Him More Yards Per Carry +Conclusion Of MLB Season Fails To Tie Up Several Loose Ends +David Freese Swarmed In St. Louis By Hordes Of Swooning, Average-Looking Women +November 6 +The iPod Turns 10 +Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High +Report: More Recent College Graduates Making Extra Money By Tutoring High School Teachers +Deadbeat Congressman Spends Time With Constituents For First Time In Months +Perfecting Your Revenge Plot +Those Darn Caucasians +Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season +Anonymous Targets Drug Cartel +Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart +Obama Publishes Tell-All Book About America +November 4 +If Humans Evolved To Be Social Creatures, Then Why Didn't Anyone Come To My Party? +Black Licorice Linked To Irregular Heartbeat +Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls +Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters +How To Consume Spicy Foods +Those We Lost In 2011 +Kim Jong-Un Privately Doubting He's Crazy Enough To Run North Korea +2011: Politics +2011: Technology +2011: Entertainment +2011: International +Style For Men +Download K'Ronikka's Single 'Booty Wave' Now +2011: The Economy +Nancy Grace's Kidnap Countdown +Donut Shop Gets Weird After 11 A.M. +Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation +Who Is Romney Today? +BCS National Championship Game +Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart +The Rachel Maddow Show +Tech Tips +Tom Brady Autobiography Highlights The Highs And Highs Of Being Tom Brady +2011 In The Less Popular Sports +U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week +Euro Crisis Hits Rock +New Commercial To Feature John McEnroe Saying 'You Cannot Be Serious' +Prototypical Stock-Car Racer Kurt Busch Fired For Being Prototypical Stock-Car Racer +Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side Of Argument +Bee Species Rediscovered +Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks +2 Broke Girl Detectives +6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women's Locker Room +Teen Sexting Not As Prevalent As Thought +Secretary Of Agriculture Attends Diplomatic Meeting With Foreign Cabbage +The Diabetic Basketball Association +Did Someone Say Bison? +Winter Meetings Heat Up With Rumors That Hotel Has An Indoor Pool +Two New Elements To Be Named +In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down +Excited Mike Krzyzewski: Duke Squad Hasn't Been This Unlikable In Years +Nation's Moms Demand Christmas List +Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data +Report: Global Warming May Be Irreversible By 2006 +In Theory +Josh Greene And Alyssa Mandel +Every Marlins Game Sold Out For Next Season As Fans Become Enamored With Team's New Color Scheme +Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party +Cain Drops Out +Greatest Regular Seasons In Sports +Ford Looks Down On Website That Would Let Itself Be Plastered In Ford's Ads +Wife Hoarders +Nation's Undiscovered Pedophile Coaches Getting Extremely Nervous +Scalia Recuses Self From Capital Murder Case, Citing Double Homicide He Committed in '80s +Urban Meyer +20 Percent Of American Homes 'Underwater' +Urban Meyer Gets The Destroy-My-Personal-And-Physical-Health-Again Bug +Form And Function +Allen Iverson: 'You Hear That, Everybody? We're Coming Back! All Of Us!' +Everyone Giving Up On John After Latest Movie Recommendation +U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume +Osprey Devours Lion In Massive Food-Chain Shake-Up +Zooloist +So You Think You Can Hold A Job? +Vikings Stand Behind Brett Favre's Decision To Jerk Team Around For Months +Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor +While Cheering On Brother, Eli Manning Struggles To Follow Football Game +Can Your Aunt Do This? +Truck Drivers Barred From Texting +Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About Socks +The Saints' Hapless History +Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy +Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger +Ask A High School English Teacher Pressed Into Duty As The JV Basketball Coach After The Previous Coach Abruptly Resigned +Obama Gives State Of The Union +Burger King Looks Open +Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Devastating Personal Attack On Illinois Man +Report: Guy Just Put 10 Bucks In Jukebox +Nation Growing Increasingly Distrustful Of NFL Experts +How I Met Your Mother +What Cost The Democrats Massachusetts? +16-Year-Old Attempts Sailing Record +Frantic Steve Jobs Stays Up All Night Designing Apple Tablet +Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further +LeBron James Says Complicated Enrollment Form Prevented Him From Signing Up For Slam Dunk Contest +Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches +New All-White Basketball League Launched +Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong +I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore +Massive Earthquake Reveals Entire Island Civilization Called 'Haiti' +Dirk Nowitzki's 20,000 Points Not Worth Nearly As Much In European League +Air America Ceases Operations +Paying The Bills With Dad +Lane Kiffin Leaves USC For Dream Job At GameStop +Good-Looking One Not Working Today +Vikings Criticized For Not Running Up Score High Enough On Cowboys +Watching Faces Of Students As They Finish 'The Lottery' Highlight Of English Teacher's Year +Bible Verses Encoded On U.S. Military Gun Sights +The Perils Of Fan All-Star Voting +Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwich +How Quickly Israel And Palestine Have Forgotten The Lessons Of 'Enemy Mine' +Taco Bell Founder Dead +Man Stuck In No-Man's Land Between Two Domino's Delivery Areas +Friendship Between Caterpillar, Horse Exploited For Cheap Children's Book +Redskins Claim They Left Stacks Of Head Coach Applications In Major Inner Cities +God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson +Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake +The Celebrity Sorcerer's Apprentice +Former Fugee's Haiti Charity Under Scrutiny +'How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?' 30 Million People Wonder +My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling +CBS Producers Ask Shannon Sharpe To Use At Least 3 Real Words Per Sentence +Jay-Z: 'On Second Thought, I Like Orlando More' +Everclear Faces Iowa Ban +Don't Spill The Beans +Jersey Shore +Struggling US Airways Introduces $100 Million Bomb Fee +Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman's Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival +'CSI' Set To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show +Obama Consults CEOs About Modernizing Government +Horse-Drawn Carriage Confessions +Vick Calls Fumble In Cowboys Game 'The Worst Thing I've Ever Done' +Roommate's Work Schedule Remains Complete And Total Mystery +Community +Tom Brady: 'I'd Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads' +U.S. Obesity Levels Out +Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game +The Troubled Life Of Jayson Williams +Mark McGwire Admits It Was Really Fucking Fun Hitting Baseballs So Far +If You're Ever In Florence, You Have To Visit This Mediocre Trattoria I Know +World's Physicists Complete Study Of Physics +Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building Of World's Largest Indoor Mountain Range +Conan May Leave 'Tonight' +Shaolin At Home +Cowell Leaving 'American Idol' +Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show +That Show About The Lady Sheriff Finally Released On DVD +Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian +Colts To Rest Starters For First Game Of Playoffs +New Hulk Hogan Autobiography 300 Pages About The Psychology Of The Leg Drop +Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again +Afghan Warlord Not Sure Which Side He Feels Like Helping Today +Reid Under Fire For Racially Charged Comments +We Don't Have That +New Grown-Up Monitor Allows Children To Listen In On Parents Crying +Tom Coughlin Scores 2 Touchdowns In Season-Ending Speech To Giants Defense +Obama To Wait For Next Bruce Springsteen Album For Word On Economy +State Of The Union Could Coincide With 'Lost' Premiere +Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels +Hanes Her Way Fashion Show +Resigned Jason Bay: "Well, I'm A Met Now" +Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes +The Quiet Man +Colt McCoy's Unusually Tragic Boyhood Dream Comes True +Concussed Texas Tech Receiver After Emerging From Dark Shed: 'That Was Exactly What I Needed' +Dodd Steps Down +Everyone At Hospital Already Hates Wes Welker +Tonight I'm Going To Party Like It's The 10th Anniversary of 1999! +Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms +Would-Be Bomber's Visa Revoked +Clint Eastwood Continues Desperate, 40-Year Attempt To Win Over Unimpressed Man +The Making Of The Behind The Scenes Of 'Avatar' +Hangover Cures +Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work +Beatty Bedded 12,775 Women, Book Says +Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports +I Have Finally Achieved The Status Of Gamma Male +Man Unable To Wear Nice Clothes Without Everyone Asking Questions +6 Million Live On Only Food Stamps +Hoarders +Most People Exposed To Secondhand Smoke +Department Of Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves +Cat Refuses To Die +Undercover Employee +Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones +Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Engagement +Bar Thinks They Have Curling Figured Out +Seven O'Clock Saturday Night At The Olive Garden +GM Closing Hummer +Highlights From The 2010 Winter Olympics +Senator Dikembe Mutombo Blocks Record Amount Of Legislation +Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper +Bristol Palin As Herself +Daytime, Nighttime 7-11 Clerks Have Vastly Different Opinions Of Area Man +If Only I'd Listened To Virtually Anyone +Top Sous Chef +One Year Into The Stimulus Plan +Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later +10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire +Guns Now Legal In National Parks +Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal +I Bought An Awesome Gun That Makes Me Feel Like God, But I Hope I Never Have To Use It +Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics +Paleontologists: 'We've Been Looking At Dinosaurs Upside Down' +Schwarzenegger Says State Bouncing Back +Olympic Curling +Spud Webb Getting Smaller And Smaller Every Time People Recount 1986 Dunk Contest +Geithner Refuses To Come Down Off Capitol Dome +School Accused of Using Laptops To Spy on Students +Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners +Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane +Real Estate Developers Push To Rebrand Murder Heights Neighborhood Of Baltimore +Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex +Ghost Whisperer +CIA Forced To Complete All Scheduled Torture In One Hectic Weekend +Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency +Chinese Crested Dog's Beautifully Descended Testicles Bring Divided Nation Together +I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really Cares +Tom Of MySpace Gone? +Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim +Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show +That Show That Guy From High School Was In +Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies +Lindsey Vonn Credits Success To Really Good Ski Poles +Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls +Holyfield Reportedly Hit Wife +U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion +Oh, Golly +Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace +You Are Your Own Worst Enemy, And After That, It's Count Dementox +Obese Filmmaker Booted From Flight +World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge +Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool +Tea Party Movement Hopelessly Divided Into Enraged, Apoplectic Factions +Flat, Unending Landscape Still Makes Veteran Cross-Country Skier Nervous Before Race +Psychiatric Tome Getting Long-Awaited Update +Rise In Teen Pregnancy Proves Teens Still Got It +650-Pound Virgin +Extremely Uptight Olympic Procession Director During Opening Ceremony: 'Wrong, Wrong, This Is All Wrong!' +Forgotten Assyrian God Revived To Name Sports Drink +Life After People +Child Slavery Gives Area Activist Something To Do With Her Evenings +Google Asks NSA For Security Help +Intelligent, Respectable Women Across Globe Inexplicably Excited For Figure Skating +Winter Olympic Event Guide: Snøkåathlaan, Part 1 +Smoove Is Not A Fan Of Valentine’s Day +Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status +Dentistry Postpones Lil Wayne Prison Term +20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day +Paranormal Cops +Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500 +Valentine's Day Specials +Prayers Answered By Random Series Of Events In Cold, Uncaring Universe +Super Bowl XLIV Most-Watched Show Ever +Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs +There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004 +Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode +Toyota Expected To Recall Prius +Congressional Bloopers +New Orleans Moves To No. 3 In NFL Power Rankings +Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame +Unfunny Inside Joke From 5 Years Ago Only Thing Holding Friendship Together +Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti +NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission +Blowhole High +Phil Mickelson Demands Scott McCarron Publicly Apologize To Pitching Wedge +Father Still Has Complicated Series Of File Folders With Grown Son's Name On Them +Peyton Manning Studying Saints Game Film From 1974 +Repurposing Lines From The Hangover +'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper +2010's Top College Football Recruiting Prospects +Thoughtful Nation Questioning Whether Anyone Can Really 'Win' The Super Bowl +If I See A Shirt I Like, I'll Usually Just Buy It +Area Mom Issues Stern Warning On Road Where She Once Got A Ticket +Pentagon Brass Supports Gays In Military +Alzheimer's Disease Causing Baby Boomers To Misremember 1960s Even More +Supreme Court Allows Corporations To Run For Political Office +Colts, Saints Blinded By Natural Sunlight Upon Arrival At Stadium +Amazon Stock Falls In E-Book Dispute +White House Infested With Bedbugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb +Clean Your Computer Desktop! +Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children +As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog To Sleep, I Know He'll Feel Better When He Wakes Up +Players Giddy As Football Hall Of Fame Representative Rumored To Be Attending Super Bowl +Hospital Paperwork Reduces Man's Reading Comprehension To First-Grade Level +Future Of Moon Mission In Doubt +Antiques Roadshow +Apple Finally Unveils iPad +Saints Trip To Super Bowl Actually Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To New Orleans +Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich +Disney Shutters Miramax +Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War +Harvard Places Lectures Online +Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something +Rescued Baby Bird Wearing Out Welcome +Republicans Spent $2,000 At Strip Club +Corgi Town +U.S. Government To Save Billions By Cutting Wasteful Senator Program +If You Put Your Mind To It You Can Believe Anything +Shots Of Indianapolis Skyline To Depress Nation During Final Four Broadcast +Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends +California To Legalize Marijuana? +NCAA To Strip Duke Of Its '08-'09 Losses +Robert Kraft On Tom Brady: 'I'd Prefer If He'd Stay For The Entire Night' +Celebrity Smell-Alike Sweats Just Like Alec Baldwin +Obama's Twitter Account Hacked +Increasing Number Of Parents Opting To Have Children School-Homed +Beauty And The Handsome Guy +Childhood Photos Of Your Girlfriend +City Of Chicago To Modernize Outdated Graft Programs +The Price Is Right +Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars +Last Supper Meals Getting Larger +NCAA Tournament Proving That Mid-Major Semi-Upper-Lower-Middle-Mids Should Be Taken Seriously +Highlights Of The 2010 Iditarod +Cornell Drains Fun Out Of Cinderella Run By Explaining How On A Long Enough Timeline The Improbable Becomes Probable +Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles vs. I Thought We Were Going To Talk About The Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons +Health Inspector Repulsed By Restaurant's Customers +Universal Slashes CD Prices +Man Plans Special Weekend To Reaffirm Commitment To Xbox 360 +Study: Announcers Increasingly Able To Believe What They're Seeing +E!'s 10,001 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies +Texas' New Textbooks +NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night +Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future +Chrysler To Release Electric Car +Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool +My Students Are Going About Making Fun Of That Tyler Kid All Wrong +Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing +Dogs Originated In Middle East +Hallmark After Dark +NIT Wrapped Up In About 5 Hours +World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off +Facebook More Popular Than Google +Computer Company Started In Garage 30 Years Ago Now In Smaller Garage +It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia +Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun' +Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels... +Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket +Iron Chef +Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure +Erectile Dysfunction Linked To Heart Disease Fatality +Athletes And Sexual Misadventure +Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time +Jackson Estate Signs $250 Million Deal With Sony +Report: Music Industry Made $18 In 2009 +Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change +I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates +Celebrity Shvitz +Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team +Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census +Budweiser American Lager Purchased At Tavern +Obama To Revamp 'No Child Left Behind' +I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw The Realtor's Headshot On The Sign +Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone +Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care +California Restaurant Busted For Serving Whale +New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves +General Hospice +Pretentious Selection Committee Member Thinks Only 6 Teams Deserve Spots In NCAA Tournament +Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away +Lesbian Teen Suing School Over Prom +Marijuana Use Triples Among Gary +Burn Notice +NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard +Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report +'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report +Things That Are Probably Still Okay To Eat +Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It +Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out +Legendary Athlete Splurges +Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip +Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts +I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' +Lohan Sues E*Trade Over TV Ad +Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out +Alternate Health Care Bills +Man vs. Seagull +Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works +Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book +Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight +Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text +Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? +Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous +Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112 +Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers +Family vs. High School Reunion +Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR +Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data +20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol +Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet +Meat And Potatoes +Wrestling Fan's Comments Alternate Between Admitting It's Fake, Forgetting It's Fake +Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save +Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About +Gordon Ramsay's Fuck You +Soda Tax Suggested In California +Failed ESPN Shows +Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him +I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars! +Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial +Chile Quake Shifted Earth's Axis +Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up +Babies For Those Who Can't Have Them +Academy Awards Highlights +Ski Jumper Has To Work On His Soaring +9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal +PlayStation 3 Outage Angers Players +Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology +My Constituents Care Way More About Political Gamesmanship Than Jobs, Health Care, And The Economy +Hitting Coach Lets Out Long, Melancholy Sigh Before Working With Pitchers On Bunting +Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About +President Still Smoking +The Marriage Ref +Kevin Durant High-Dribbler In Win With 186 Bounces +Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program +Museum Attendance Up During Recession +Archaeologists Discover Remnants Of Legendary Party Out By Train Tracks +Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor +Money Spent For Old Time's Sake +Crist Dumps Republicans +Roethlisberger's Promise To Change +Bill Belichick Drops Off Recent Draft Picks In Middle Of Nowhere, Tells Them To Find Way Back +Gimme Some Of That! +No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive +God Shuts Down Andromeda Galaxy +Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend +Pickup Truck Stoled +Green Day's 'American Idiot' Musical Opens +Adam Wainwright Annoying Entire Ballpark By Announcing Pitch Count Out Loud +Senate Bully Forces Legislators To Repeatedly Pass 'We Are Huge Homos' Bill +Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens +Big Men, Tiny Problems +FBI Uncovers Plot To 'Sex And The City 2' +Getting Through Allergy Season +True Yankees, Regular Yankees To Now Wear Different Uniforms +Thing In Cave Not Finished With Eric Yet +'Archie' Gets A Gay Character +Comedy Central Presents: Your Uncle +Fan Incredibly Disappointed To Learn Player's Favorite Book Is The Bible +Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles +'South Park' Creators Threatened By Extremists +Obama Promoted To Senior Vice President Of American Affairs +Roger Goodell 'Completely Skeeved Out' By Meeting With Ben Roethlisberger +Tom Hanks Forces Houseguests To Play 'World War II' With Him +Heroic SWAT Team Stops NFL Draft Countdown Clock With One Second Remaining +Little League Coach Reveals Creepy Method For Breaking In Baseball Mitt +Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes +Great Boston Marathon Moments +Long-Standing, League-Wide Practical Joke Culminates In Sam Bradford Not Being Picked In NFL Draft +FlashForward +I Still Ain't Sure About This Socialism Medicine +Champagne Company Develops New Second-Place Beverage +Actor Kal Penn Robbed +Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade +Horoscope Test +Sarah Palin's Speaking Demands +Toads Can Predict Earthquakes +Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide +Gun Goes Off During Life's Third Act +The Basketball Ref +Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster's +So We Meet Again, The Croup +Mel Kiper, Jr. Explains How Justice Stevens' Retirement Affects NFL Draft +Passage Of Health Care Reform Brings Democrat-Republican Score To 317,622-318,047 +McDonald's Nixes Cage-Free Eggs +DHiPs +Amar'e Stoudemire Still Trying To Find Out Where He Was Traded To +Helicopter Ride Pretty Much Delivers The Goods +Icelandic Volcano Halts European Air Travel +Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020 +Law & Order SVU +Devin Ebanks Announces Intentions To Enter League They Pay You To Play Basketball At +Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff +Nation Collectively Acts Like It Was Rooting For Phil Mickelson All Along +Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day +Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children +Scouting The Sleepers Of The 2010 NFL Draft +All Sports To Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing To Talk About +American Punch-Up +Most Men Are Too Intimidated To Date A Successful, Educated Gorgon +Closeted Soldiers Getting In Last Clandestine Rendezvous Before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repealed +Twitter Now Features Ads +Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software +Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All +Lakers Great Karl Malone Inducted Into Hall Of Fame +Scientists Finally Prove What Area Dad Has Been Saying For Years +Conan To Join TBS +Thomas and Jarrett +U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths +Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines +I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment +New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings +Cool Dentist Doesn't Give A Shit About Patients' Flossing +Celebrity Look-Alike Rehab +NASCAR's Drive For Diversity Program Successfully Hidden From Fans +NBC Admits To Never Actually Making An Episode of 'Chuck' +Malcolm McLaren Dead At 64 +New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah +This New House +Donovan McNabb: 'I'd Like To Thank The Ungrateful, Over-Expecting,Oftentimes-Racist Fans Of Philadelphia' +Post Office Extends Hours To 3 A.M. To Attract Late-Night Bar Crowd +MLB Opening Day Marred By Strikeouts +Virginia Governor Declares April Confederate History Month +Presidential First Pitches +Tiger Woods Followed Everywhere At Masters By Sex Addiction Sponsor +The Guy Who Sucked At The Comedy Club Show +Ah, Great, I Think I Got A Goddamned Monster In My Closet Again +Study: Shoving, Yelling Makes Things Go Faster 76% Of Time +Cola Lowers Sperm Count +Republicans, Leukemia Team Up To Repeal Health Care Law +Miley Cyrus' Public Private Life +Team Roadie Accidentally Sets Lakers' Basket 8 Feet High +Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity +Breast-Feeding Saves Lives, Money +Dogtown +U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Osaka Binn Rogen +I've Left My Haltingly Awkward Voice Message; Now The Ball's In Her Court +NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws +Area Woman Wants To Be Singer Or Actor Or Whatever +Combat Aircraft Converted To Biofuel +A Basketball Game +Everyone In Red Sox Locker Room Just Assumed Jason Varitek Died +Freakonomist Keeps Close Eye On GE Stock Versus Height Of Mexican Weightlifters +Fatty Foods Trigger Addiction Response +Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels +The Tonight Show With Jay Leno +Bored Bud Selig Makes The Diamondbacks An American League Team This Year +Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends +Butler Doesn't Understand What They Have To Do To Get Out Of Indiana +Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code +PepsiCo Develops New 'Healthier' Salt +Seeing Ken Griffey Jr. In Backwards Hat Now Just Depressing +Guess The Dress +Shaken Attorney General Resigns After Learning What Murder Is +Aw, What The Hell, Here's The Micro-Walkman We've Been Developing For 20 Years +Everyone Outraged Catholic Priest Did That Thing Everyone Jokes About +Superman Sells For $1.5 Million +Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession +Mike Brown Claims He Was Scapegoat For Cavaliers Terrible Coaching +Amazing Original Thing To Become Hated Cliché In 6 Months +Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony +Adderall Receives Honorary Degree From Harvard +Tops & Bottoms +Report: Celtics, Lakers Finals To Allow Sportscasters To Endlessly List The Last Names Of Former Celtics, Lakers +Work Friend Accidentally Becomes Real Friend +NHL Needs To Raise $5,000 In 24 Hours If It Wants To Hold Stanley Cup Finals +The Real Can-Redeemers of Brooklyn +Area Man Visits Haiti To Check Up On $10 Donation +Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov +President Obama Mentions He'd Like To See LeBron James In Chicago, Also That He's Leader Of The Free World +Pigeon To Invoke Power Of Flight +Ask A Man's Thoughts During A Moment Of Silence For Our Troops +BP Pledges To Continue Being Huge Profitable Corporation +GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care +Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths +Entire Facebook Staff Laughs As Man Tightens Privacy Settings +Calderón's Communication Breakdown +U.S. To Hold Naval Exercises With South Korea +Chelsea Lately +Area Man Tries To Throw Split-Fingered Fastball, Breaks Arm In 9 Places +Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3 +White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt +Well, It Looks Like My Work Here Has Been Successfully Avoided +NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season +Man Actually Shouting At Other Man To Get Jennifer Aniston Romantic Comedy Made +Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last +Blackhawks Attempt To Find Out Why Shark On San Jose Logo Is Eating Hockey Stick +Apartment Building Super Swap +New Hank Aaron Biography Reveals He Hated Hitting Home Runs +Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf +'Lost' Possibly Still Airing In Parallel Dimension, Desperate Fans Report +National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification +Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range +Nation Just Finding Out That Flyers Came Back From 3-0 Deficit By Reading This Right Now +Moving-Day Meals +Food Allergies Overdiagnosed +LeBron's Next Team +Fluid Just Happy To Have Had Opportunity To Build Up In Kobe Bryant's Knee +When You Get Older You Learn To Appreciate The Moments When You're Not Skittering Away +Nation's Bicyclists Remove Helmets For Head Injury Month +Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail +New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It +The Pill Turns 50 +What To Talk About With Your Grandparents On The Phone +Local Child Has Run-Of-The-Mill Imagination +YouTube Turns 5 +Report: Majority Of Government Doesn't Trust Citizens Either +If We Don't Stop Childhood Obesity, Our Fat Toddlers Could Become Fat Fucks +Historic Seat-Covering Tarp To Be Part Of New Marlins Stadium +New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia +Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe +Nuggets Tell Dying George Karl They Made NBA Finals +Please, Anyone, Come Do Something, Anything, With My House +National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins +Woman Constantly Treating Herself For Once +Heckled Christian Rock Band Knows How Jesus Felt +Kevin Garnett Now Screaming Each Time Rajon Rondo Scores +New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, IL +Lawrence Taylor Asks Exactly Which 16-Year-Old Prostitute Reporters Are Talking About +Sequestered +Not Very Good Album Takes A Little While To Get Into +Budget Deficit Hits Record +Features Of The New NASCAR Hall Of Fame +David Ortiz Getting Paid $13 Million, By The Way +All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty! +Report: 23% Of Population Just Sort Of Like That +U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown Resigns +Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture +Angry A-Rod Man Pitches Perfect Game +Alternative Energy Projects +Cesar Milan Whisperer +Yankees Hat Purchased +Jupiter's Liberals Worried About Their Ammonia Footprint +Barbara Walters To Have Heart Surgery +EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway +I'm In Alien Ant Farm For The Long Haul +Prince Fielder Satisfies Curiosity By Eating Small Handful Of Dirt +Ridley Scott Trades Russell Crowe To Tim Burton For Johnny Depp +Cancer Panel's Findings Under Fire +Weeds +Phillies Bring In Bruise Specialist +Pep-Rally Skit Rumored To Involve Cross-Dressing Principal +Report: Tanning Beds Addictive +Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once +Hot Tub Time Machine +Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down +Actress, Musician To Wed +LeBron James Speaks Out Against Terrible Conditions Of Referee Camps +Excited Firefighters Point Out Kid On Tricycle +Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk +The 'Sports Illustrated' Cover Jinx +Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup +Mothering Frights +Report: All The Good Stuff Costs, Like, 200 Bucks +Depression Sufferers Smoke More +New Law Forces CEOs To Humbly Shrug Before Receiving Massive Bonuses +The Case Against Goldman Sachs +PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night' +Priest Religious, But Not Really Spiritual +Women To Serve On Submarines +Cookin' With Bread +Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling +You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual +Tony Gwynn Mentioned 72 Times During Guided Tour Of Padres Stadium +Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen +Taliban Claim Dud Bomb +Actual Science +Utah Fans Concerned As Jazz Break Huddle By Shouting 'Kill The Mormons' +Thomas Jefferson Impersonator Reenacts Famous Cell Phone Shouting Match With Wife +Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy +Nerf Develops New Line Of Biological Weapons +Earthquake Camera +NCAA Tournament Expands To However Many Teams Honestly Feel They Should Be In NCAA Tournament +Geologists: 'We May Be Slowly Running Out Of Rocks' +Independence Day Celebrated +Unemployed Face Job Discrimination +Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective +Stock Footage Variety Hour +Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street +Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends +NHL Loses Rights To NHL.com, Moves Website To NHLHockeySports.com +'True Blood' Renewed +Unwritten Rules Of Baseball +Manny Embarks On Journey To Find Legendary Realm Of Batlantis +Hot Pursuit +No Size-36 Pants Can Contain Me +Nation's Boyfriends Dreading 'Free Event In The Park' Season +Lady Gaga Not Banned From Yankees +CIA Declassifies Thousands Of Black-Ops 'Humor In Uniform' Jokes +What's Going On In South Carolina? +Speculation About Where LeBron Will Play Could End When He Signs Contract +Increasing Number Of Americans Unable To Point Out Map +World Snake Population Drops +Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde +Jeopardy! +My Old Nemesis...So We Meet Again +Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball +Experts Say Breakfast Now Sixth Most Important Meal Of The Day +Amanda Bynes Retires At 24 +What Kind Of God Would Do This To Me? +'Totally Worth It,' Claims Grown Man Limping Off Softball Field +Elena Kagan Asked Straight Up: 'You Got What It Takes?' +Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama +Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch +Scavengerman +Phil Mickelson Reluctantly Uses Golf Club Kids Made For Father's Day Present +Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already +Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open +Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth +USC's Rules Violations +True Blood +South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts +I Tell Ya, Until I've Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist +'Annie' Ends Print Run +There, Like, 6 Cop Cars Outside +Nation Agrees Latest Heineken Commercial Is Coolest Thing Ever +Obama's College Apartment On The Market +Cubs Organ Player Getting Into Heavier, Darker Stuff +Area Grandmother Comes Forward As 'Banksy' +Vast Mineral Resources Found In Afghanistan +If Certain Animals Could Attack +CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak +Stand Back, I Think I Know CPR +Rookie Strasburg Begins Hazing Nationals Veterans +New Pixar Employees Required To Watch Adorable Sexual Harassment Video +South Carolina Senate Candidate Refuses To Drop Out +Mythmakers +Nike, Adidas Favorites In World Cup Final +'Minotaurs The New Vampires' Says Publishing Executive Desperate To Find New Vampires +'A-Team' Opens At No. 2 +Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam +Somali Pirates Make Off With Moses Mabhida Stadium +Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway +Big Cats Lured By Obsession +Most Thrilling Playoffs In Recent Memory Unfortunately Happen In Hockey +Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate +2010 World Cup Teams To Watch +The Onion Sports Introduction To World Cup Soccer +Real Migrant Workers Of South Florida +Rywanda Think She So Goddamn Smart Ever Since Graduating From Fourth Grade +Heartfelt Apology Robs Man Of Cherished Grudge +Original Warhol On The Moon? +Local Manhattan Boy Makes Good +Is The Economy Bouncing Back? +Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour +Ventriloquist Dummy Crosses Line In Suggesting Partner Is Actual Dummy +BP Buys Search Terms +Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American +You Get The Gist +It's Feet Like This That Remind Me Why I Got Into Geriatric Podiatry +Joe Montana To Lose One Super Bowl Ring For Every Dumb Product He Endorses +Archaeologists: Egyptian Pyramids Actually Early Attempt At Camping +Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims +The Deadliest Warrior +Fans Of High-Pitched Pinging Sounds Tune In For College World Series +American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic +Group Cheers After Group Hears Group's Name Called +Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters +Family Matters/Antimatters +Nation Undecided On Whether It Hates Celtics Or Lakers More +Last Time Sources Checked This Still America +NHL: 'Anybody Want Free Tickets To The Stanley Cup Finals?' +Longest Hypersonic Flight Test Conducted +Great Moments In The Lakers-Celtics Rivalry +Nation's Soccer Fan Becoming Insufferable +The Tudors +The Man We Know Only As The Homunculus Has Defected To Us +Mitt Romney Announces He's Running For His Life +Gores Split +Networks Battling Until Last Minute Over Who Has To Air World Cup +Disney Employee Arrested In Insider-Trading Scandal +Man Pledges Loyalty To Brand In Quiet Convenience Store Ceremony +Fergie Was Drunk During Sting +Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant +V +ESPN Writer Changes City Names From Previous Story About Milton Bradley Finding Self In New Surroundings +Sandy, I Wrote This Op-Ed About Reducing American Dependency On Foreign Oil Just For You +Ant Colony Comes To Halt After Death Of Popular Worker +Talking Head Suing Florida Governor +New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time +Heidi Klum Smiling +Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person +No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin Jeffrey +Hair's The Thing +New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion +Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing +Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career +Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down +Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal +If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home +Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up +Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult +Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews +Perfect Pump +Chelsea Clinton Getting Married +James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be 'The Three-Headed Shitstorm' +Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon +Man Has Mosquito On The Run +Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles +My Dad Is A Army Guy vs. I Am A Army Guy +Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon +Tiger Woods Sucks Now, Reports U.S. Department Of Guys At The Bar +Second Monument Found On Stonehenge Site +Judge Judy +Backpacker Planning To Shatter Europeans' Preconceptions Of Americans +Del Toro To Direct Disney's 'Haunted Mansion' +Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples +Padres Grounds Crew Dims Stadium's Lights For Romantic Night Game +Yogi Berra: 'Why Aren't The Yankees Mourning My Death?' +'Sliders Ended Two Seasons Too Early, If You Ask Me,' Says Sliders Creator To No One In Particular +E-Books Surpass Hardcovers At Amazon +Highlights Of George Steinbrenner's Reign +Families Of 9/11 Victims: Heat Losing 3 In A Row Would Be Much Worse Than World Trade Center Attacks +Massive Hit-And-Run Prematurely Ends Tour De France +I Hope To Get More Acting Work By Sharing My Opinions Here +We Will Never Be United As A Nation As Long As There Are Other People Besides Myself +Budget Cuts Force British Government To Shut Down Mysterious Seaside Village +Senate Approves Jobless Benefits Extension +Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again +Amusement Park Rides Under Scrutiny +Future Recruiting Violation Makes Commitment To Michigan +Area Man Going To Great Lengths To Conceal His Perfectly Normal Behavior +'Jersey Shore' Cast On Strike +Local Family Homeless After Tornado Destroys White House +The Bachroulette +Honestly, This Might Not Be The Best Time To Get On Down To Rooney Honda +Raiders Excited About Prospect Of Signing Free Agent JaMarcus Russell +NBC Announces Fall Cancellation Lineup +Chrysler Unveils Minivan For Men +Dance Your Ass Off +South Africa Realizes All Its Things Were Stolen During World Cup +Obama's Fifth Gulf Coast Visit Really Helps A Lot +Argentina Approves Gay Marriage +God Hinting At Retirement +ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes +Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children +Unpublished Twain Autobiography Rails Against YouTube, BP, War In Afghanistan +Struggling High School Cuts Football—Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is +Clinton Brought In On Economy +Highlights Of The 2010 World Cup +Despite Repeated Attempts To Tear It Down, Massive LeBron James Mural Keeps Reappearing +Sports Journalists Deplete Maudlin Reserves While Memorializing Bob Sheppard +ISS Mission Coverage +FCC Chairman Overturns Decision To Cancel 'Party Down' +Mapping The Ozzy Genome +Fill Your Own Goddamn Emotional Void +6-Year-Old Becomes First Child To Complete Solo Ride Around Block +Iranian Nuclear Scientist Claims CIA Abduction +Uncle Greg To Attempt Comeback At Family Barbecue +The Vanguard Of Security Technology +Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports +Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks +EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit +Big Bang Theory +Fuck, I Just Realized I'm Going To Be One Of The People Who Die In This Heat Wave +Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed +More Americans Concerned Illegal Immigrants Will Take Their Spot On Couch +Collecting Social Security At 70? +Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome +It's That Time +CC Sabathia Involved In Bench-Clearing Nap +Rock Fans Outraged As Bob Dylan Goes Electronica +Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer +Repeal Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Paves Way For Gay Sex Right On Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize +Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More +Men Suffer Postpartum Depression Too +I Have Seen The Future +The High Cost Of Weddings +Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert +Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up +Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims +Advertising On License Plates? +When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride +New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early +Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist +Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay +Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While +Situation Normal All Franked Up +Dick Vermeil Tears Up During Piniella's Last Press Conference +Local Fabric Store Urges You To Check Them Out On Twitter +Beck Holds DC Rally +Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims +Tony Dungy On Meeting With Rex Ryan: 'That Fucking Cocksucker Is A Good Shit' +Martin Scorsese Attends Free iMovie Demonstration At Apple Store +Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona +72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch +Terms Of Tiger's Divorce +Lance Armstrong Wants To Tell Nation Something But Nation Has To Promise Not To Get Mad +Lou Piniella Immediately Wins World Series After Removing Cubs Uniform For Last Time +I Didn't Know I Was Stupid +Ask A Guy Who's Not Doing The Gig For Less Than $200 +Honest, Hardworking Man Leans Against Reliable Pickup Truck +Judge Halts Embryonic Stem Cell Research +Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut +China's Massive Traffic Jam +Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center +Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game +'We're In This Together, You Guys,' Reports Newest Member Of Crunch Gym +Smart, Qualified People Behind The Scenes Keeping America Safe: ‘We Don't Exist’ +Alt-Weekly Deathwatch +Stop Making Delicious Food I Can't Stop Eating And Go Back To Mexico +NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes +Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones +Earth's Moon Shrinking +Dexter +JaMarcus Russell Currently Failing Drug Test +Report: Mom Just Locked Her Door +Ambassador Holding Phrasebook 'Pretty Sure' She Just Strengthened Ties With Pakistan +U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India +Little League World Series Player Ejected For Arguing With Umpire About 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' +Mysterious Crate Arrives From London +Obama To Create 17 New Jobs By Resigning And Finally Opening That Restaurant +More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss +Golf's More Obscure Rules +164 Closeted Gay Men Having Impressive NFL Preseason +Trivial Point Of Order Electrifies Golf World +Great American Sister-in-Laws +Here's To The Next 40 Years Of Jean! +Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out +Israeli Ex-Soldier In Facebook Photo Controversy +Hollywood Rangers To Manage Overpopulation Problem By Killing Off 1,200 Celebrities +Flight Attendant Shines Light On Problem Customers +China Now Second Biggest Economy +Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera +Area Woman Thinks She Could Live In City She's Visiting +Obama Declares Victory, Sort Of, Depending On How You Look At It, In Iraq +Parrot-lel Lives +It's Nice We Can Finally Look Back On That Whole Oil Spill And Laugh +Report: Still 12,000 More Games Left In 2010 Baseball Season +Candidate To Accuse Opponent Of Racism Just To See What Happens +Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought +Mangini Urges Browns Players Not To Say Who They're Going To Kill Over Twitter +Desperate Pandora Employees Scrambling To Find Song Area Man Likes +Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again +'Cathy' Coming To An End +Mad Men +Jamie Oliver's Armed Revolution +Shaq To Solidify Celtics' Ability To Get 3-Second Violations +New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment +Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die +Shrimp Boat Captain Worn Out From Long Day Of Putting Human Face On Crisis +Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug +Recent Highlights From Lesser-Known Sports +Tiger Woods Hits Rock Bottom, Aside from Being Worth Over $600 Million +Florida Marlins Delay Game Until Their Fan Shows Up +Who's More Tired? +If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes +Man Read Somewhere They Proved Thing He Just Made Up +Radioactive Boars Roaming Germany +Americans Demand Crispier Outside +Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense +Proposition 8 Overturned +NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones +Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD +Diamond Dave Back With Van Halen +Millions Of Barrels Of Oil Safely Reach Port In Major Environmental Catastrophe +Secret Recipe +Look, Are We Going To Spend The Rest Of This Board Meeting Talking About Why I'm Covered In Blood And Feces Or Are We Going To Talk Business? +Pirates Mathematically Eliminated From Major League Baseball +Hillary Clinton Drags Taliban Leader's Body Through Streets Of Kabul +Mary Hart Leaving 'Entertainment Tonight' +LaDainian Tomlinson Enters Camp In Top Week-3, 2nd-Quarter, 4th-Offensive-Series Form +Hanged +Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips +Kagan Confirmed To Supreme Court +Man Lives In Futuristic Sci-Fi World Where All His Interactions Take Place In Cyberspace +Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet +Boeing Lays Off Only Guy Who Knows How To Keep Wings On Plane +Joblessness Not A Factor In Stimulus Money +The Quotable Ozzie Guillen +'Sports Illustrated' Sends Out Army Of Peter Kings To Cover NFL Training Camp +Mike Shanahan Cancels Rest Of Redskins Practices: 'We're As Good As We Can Get' +Interdiction +In This Family We Maintain The Ways Of The Old Suburb +'Modern Family' Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In 'TV Guide' +FBI Demands Wikipedia Pull Down Seal +Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics +Senate Unable To Get Enough Republican Votes To Honor 'To Kill A Mockingbird' +Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill +Confusion Among Boxing's Sanctioning Bodies Results In Manny Pacquiao Fighting Self For 3 Separate Belts +Neighbors' Wi-Fi Password Must Be Something Good +Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout +DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security +Extorting Bruce Boxleitner +I'm The Reason There Are Signs Warning You Not To Play On The Luggage Conveyor Belt +Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit +NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads +Rangel Going To Trial Over Ethics Charges +High School Madrigal 2: Going For Baroque +Indians Apologize For Not Having Ace Pitcher To Trade To Contender This Year +CVS Now Selling Cheaper, CVS-Brand 'People' Magazine +Sherrod To Sue Breitbart +Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums +Open Widest +Los Angeles Has Hottest Day Ever +For A Few Months, I Had It All +Quiet Riot Speaks Out Against Nation's Poor Metal Health Care +Script Has Been Floating Around Hollywood For 75 Years +New Cartoon May Violate FCC Regulations +Report: Majority Of College Football Fans Way Too Into Favorite Teams +'With Binomials, Just Remember FOIL,' Reports Man Keeping Teens From Having Sex Between 2:30 And 3:20 +Expired Medicines Collected By DEA +Something About Tax Cuts Or Earnings Or Money Or Something In Recent Economic News +This Place Is A Dump +There Was Definitely A Point During That Stoning Where We All Thought, 'Is This Weird?' +Quarterback Playing Well Enough For Commentator To Mention His Favorite Sandwich +U.S. Government Opens Special 5,000-Acre Area Where Americans Can Go Blow Off Steam +'Forbes' Wealthiest List Increased Wealth +NFL Players Under Contract To Constantly Mention 'The Event' During Sunday Night Football +The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards +Bills Impressed By Quality Of Toilet Paper In Visitors' Locker Room +New 'Do Not Kill' Registry To Allow Americans To Opt Out Of Being Murdered +'Sesame Street' Pulls Katy Perry Segment +Bush Still Working On Manned Mission To Mars Quietly In Spare Time +Rocky Horror Picture Show's Cult Following Just Doesn't Have The Energy Anymore +Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots +New Game Set In Michael Jackson's World +Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks +Brett Favre Apparently Undecided If He Will Return To Vikings This Season +No One Knows Who Female Star Athlete In Nike Commercial Is +Let's Try A 10 1/2 +Honey, Will You Make Me The Happiest Deeply-In-Denial Closeted Homosexual On Earth? +Area Man's Bathroom A Monument To Ongoing War Against His Own Disgusting Body +Republicans Block Gays-In-Military Reform +New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Incredibly Busty Daughter +‘Super Mario Bros.’ Is 25! +Referee Frustrated By Number Of Commercials Shown In Replay Booth +Dad Recounts Amazing Story Of How, Through Quick Thinking, He Saved $4.27 +FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon +Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus +World's Dumbest Criminals Vs. World's Stupidest Cops +I Have Proof That For the Past 3 Months, The CIA Has Been Running A Covert Operation To Make This An Awesome Summer +Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College +Voter Anger Palpable At Intentionally Anger-Stoking Rally +Poverty Rate Jumps +Professional Basketball Team Interested In Trade For Professional Basketball's Carmelo Anthony +Corey Pavin Announces Plans To Get Loaded Before Ryder Cup +Project Runaway +Easy Wife Gives It Up On First Date Night +Oprah Selects Franzen Again +Mexico Killed In Drug Deal +Congress Appropriates $3.17 To Rent 'Tango & Cash' +Virginia To Execute First Woman In 97 Years +The NFL's Overcomplicated Rules +Drew Brees Casually Wonders Aloud If He Really Could Get Away With Murder In This Town +Touchdown Disallowed After Ref Drops Ball Handed To Him By Player +Kourtney and Khloé Take JCPenney +My Sister Actually Went To School With Ryan Reynolds' Brother vs. Cool, I Like You More As A Person Now +Ira Glass Tries To Explain 'This American Life' At High School Reunion +Amish Numbers Increasing +Report: More Colleges Offering Dick-Around Abroad Programs +Filling Empty Movie Theaters +NASCAR Struggling To Recover From Yet Another Injury-Free Season +Law Schools Now Require Applicants To Honestly State Whether They Want To Go To Law School +Cuba Going Capitalist? +Back-To-School Necessities +Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback +Since The Beginning Of Time, Mankind Has Discussed What It Did On Summer Vacation +College Meal Plans +Dormitory Decoration Tips +The Secret Life Of The American Teenager +Homeless Drifters Of Santa Barbara Feverishly Await Women's Beach Volleyball Tournament +All Those Years Shopping At Independent Bookstore Wasted +Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower +Shaq Vs. +Banana Republic Announces Opening Of New Stores Where Buying Pants Will Not Be Totally Humiliating Experience +Rookie Ndamukong Suh Records Lions First-Ever Tackle +McMansions Done? +Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit +Tim Duncan Sends Out 3-Month Warning To Inform Spurs Of Upcoming Season Opener +Guy Carrying Guitar Case On Elevator Envied By Everyone On Elevator, Imagines Guy +N-Words My Dad Says +Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences +Health Insurance Costs Shifting To Workers +Tips For High School Athletes +U.S. Open Organizers Apologize For Obscene Amounts Of Tennis +16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night +So Far It Looks Like I've Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death +Hertz Introduces Short-Term Rental For Just Driving Around To Clear Head +'America’s Toughest Sheriff' Sued +Archaeologists Unearth Lousiest Civilization Ever +U.S. Ends Combat Operations In Iraq +Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl +Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population +Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's +Running Through Sprinklers +Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial +Summer Days, Driftin' Away +Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde +Players, Owners Agree To Have One Last Kick-Ass Season Before 2011's Lockout +The NFL's Official New Concussion Awareness Poster +Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet +Adventures In Trundling +All 32 NFL Teams Announce They Are Underdogs Headed Into 2010 Season +Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers +Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter +Report: Afghan Mineral Deposits Could Completely Revolutionize Nation's System Of Corruption +NFL To Expand Season To However Many Games It Takes To Permanently Injure Ray Lewis +Wendy's To Phase Out Unpopular Hamburger Sandwich +Sports World Limping Toward Football Opener Like Mortally Wounded Deer +Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season +Number Of Illegal Immigrants Declining +Gay, Straight, Not Attracted To You, Just Got Out Of Something, Too Into His Job, Weird About Your Having Kids, Shy, Doesn't See Anything Serious Developing, Has Mother Issues, Or Taken? +Menopause Meds May Harm Kids +Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career +Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer +8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live +Original Kermit Donated To Smithsonian +Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game' +Man Arriving Early To Party To Walk Up And Down Street For 10 Minutes +Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap +Hey, You! +The Olive Garden Gang +Inarticulate Nolan Ryan Delivers What Players Think Might Have Been Inspirational Speech +Unemployed Dad Channels All His Energy Into Creating, Running Haunted House +Halloween Costumes +Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation +Alumni Office Dispatches Navajo Tracker To Hunt Down Glen Schutt '98 +Barry Bonds In Stands Ruins World Series For Everyone +Yankees Offseason Moves +Forget About It! +Key Races: The House +Key Races: The House +Key Races: Senate +Key Races: Senate +Key Races: Governor +Key Races: Governor +Key Ballot Initiatives +Boy, I Really Thought Like Shit Today +Sex.com Domain Name Sells For $13 Million +New NASCAR Rules Change Designed To Cut Down On Constant Honking +Area Man Could Eat +Nation Disappointed By Great World Series Matchup +Halloween Origins +Report: Fans Enjoy Waving Things Around +Girl Has Just Enough Physical Flaws To Maybe Take Man Seriously +Sony Stops Making Walkman +Democrats: 'If We're Gonna Lose, Let's Go Down Running Away From Every Legislative Accomplishment We've Made' +Silly British Time-Filler +My Opponent Knows Where Washington Is On A Map; I Don't, And I Never Will +NFL Scores Big Ratings With Rare Live Episode +Studio Admits Entire Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Just Marketing Campaign For 'You Don't Mess With The Zohan' That Got Out Of Hand +Brand, Perry Marry +High School Football: Taft High At Abilene Central +Report: Only One In Every 150,000 Dead Children Becomes Angel +NPR Fires Commentator For Comments On Fox +Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race +A-Rod Finally Leads Rangers To World Series +Which Screwdriver Is Dad Asking For? +Kobe Bryant Just Not Into It This Year +Boy Believed To Be Next Reincarnation Of Regional KFC Manager Discovered In Chatfield, MN +Obama To Take Break From Stumping To Preside Over United States +Man Can Name All Parts Of The Vagina +Mensa Membership Getting Younger +Report: Sudden Rookie Death Syndrome Claims Lives Of More Than 2,000 First-Year Players +Tony Romo Asks Doctors To X-Ray His Stuffed Animal's Hand Too +2010 NBA Teams To Watch +High School Is Totally Like This +Ask A Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason +Tea Party Plans To Recruit More Coloreds This Fall +Candidate Unaware Constitution Provides For Separation Of Church, State +Bored Entertainment Media Decides To Go After Ray Liotta With All They've Got +Chilean Miners Rescued +Merkel Says Multiculturalism Has Failed +NFL Considers Building Second Stadium +Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time +Cockroach King Concerned Over Recent Rise Of Bedbugs +Seattle PD +Hey, Come On In, Sorry About All The Dead Pets +Lazy ESPN.com Poll Asks Readers If They Like Sports +Democrats Could Lose Up To 8,000 Seats In Upcoming Midterm Election +Feds 'Friending' People On Facebook To Spy +Squirrel Ark +Brady Quinn Hasn't Heard That Name In Ages +Microlender Forecloses On Goat +NY To Disallow Food Stamps Soda Purchases +American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways +Klee +Report: 3 Players In NFL Currently Do Not Have Concussions +Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks +Man Attends 25-Year Nursery School Reunion +Porn Star's HIV Status Causes Production Delays +Girardi Unsure If CC Sabathia Can Walk Out To Mound On 3 Days' Rest +Miami Heat Website Going With Picture Of LeBron James Today +Brett Favre's Troubled Past +I Get That A Lot: Jeremy Piven +I'm Afraid We Will Never Win In Afghanistan Unless Central Command Gets A Pinball Machine +Miami Heat Spend First Two Weeks Of Training Camp Practicing Pregame Introductions +Report: Crooked Border Guards Planting Illegal Immigrants In Cars +Scandinavians Tops In Gender Equality +Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else +Solar Panels Going On White House +Art World Relieved As Thieves Steal Pretty Terrible Late Period Renoir Work +Democratic Candidate Shoots Bill In New Ad +Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship +A Quest Across The Aisle +Why I Kicked Your Mother's Ass Out +Trapped Chilean Miners Considering How Funny It Would Be If They All Died Right As Rescuers Completed Tunnel +Nova: Kansas Edition +Author, Author! +High School Equipment Manager To Skip College, Manage Equipment At Professional Level +Couple Discovers Shop That Sells Cakes +More States Allow Guns In Bars +NBC Confirms 'The Event' To Represent America In New Olympic Event +'Stargate SG-1' Fans Disappointed To See Richard Dean Anderson Walk Onto Stage Like A Normal Person +Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag +8-Year-Old Asian Mix Wins Westminster Boy Show +Belichick Begins Laying Groundwork For Nov. 14 Misdirection Play +ShutterIsland.com Reporting Unexplained Drop In Traffic Since March +Clinton, Biden Trading Places? +'Good Old Days' Traced Back To Single Weekend In 1948 +NHL Finishes Freezing Water For 2011 Season +Padres Thought Everyone Who Missed Playoffs Was Supposed To Tear Down Stadium +2010 MLB Playoff Preview +Check Out What You Can Do When You Have Three Ovens In Your House +I Didn't Become A Secret Service Agent For The Jimmy Carter Midnight To 6 A.M. Shift +Nobel Prize Awarded To Man Who Helped Humans Have More Fucking Babies +Trump Considering Presidential Bid +Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks +Fewer Young Americans Marrying +New NBC College Football Poll Gives No. 1 Ranking To 'The Event' +Area Woman Has More Than 200 Products To Help Calm Her +Postal Rate Increase Denied +American People Hire High-Powered Lobbyist To Push Interests In Congress +Antiques Roadhouse +NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season +NASA Relaunches Astronaut Jim Lovell To 'Finish The Job' +I'll Always Regret Not Saying 'See You Later' To My Father +Fisher-Price Recalls 10 Million Items +Neighborhood Would Make A Great Video Game Level +U.N. Appoints First Ambassador To Aliens +Wade, Bosh, James Out For Season After Injuring Selves On First Layup Drill Of Training Camp +Valpak: The Show +97-Year-Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy +The Event +After Long Season, Mere Thought Of Double-Play Ball Makes Second Baseman Nauseated +Teen With Cancer Vows It Won't Keep Her From Being Mean, Moody Little Shit +Executions Postponed Due To Drug Shortage +Exhausted Ken Burns Urges Baseball To Stop +Red Sox Figure It's Worth It To Just Ask Bud Selig For Playoff Spot +How Big Ben Spent His Suspension +The Wendy Williams Show +Ask A Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client +Color-Coded Alert System Canceled +New Study Finds Blacks More Likely +Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs +'Sarah Palin's Alaska' Ratings Fall +'NFL On Fox' Host Blasted For Failing To Razz Terry Bradshaw +Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days +20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America +Farming With The Stars +Chasing Gypsies +Bud Selig Name-Drops Willie Mays At Party +Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents +Tournament Bass Refuses To Talk To Reporters After Tough Day Getting Caught +Responsible Holiday Drinking +Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail +Upcoming Athlete Biopics +Oh, Deer +As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many +A Classic Jason Somehow Gets Mixed Into Area Man's Anecdote Collection +Americans Give Thanks +Shaq Shows He Can Still Dominate Around Basket Of Fries +Britain To Chart Happiness +Fans Admit They Have No Clue Why They Want Former Player To Manage +Group That Makes Dodge Truck Commercials Called 'Creative Team' +St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City +'L.A. Law' Wikipedia Page Viewed 874 Times Today +B-Roll Diaries +Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job +Mom, Jeremy Won't Let Me Create An Atmosphere Of Sustained Menace +That Exactly Why Team Picked Up Player In Offseason +Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was +George W. Bush Forgets To Mention 9/11 In Memoir +The Clemency Of Cranberry +Harry Potter Opens At No. 1 +Babies Where You Wouldn't Expect Them +Duke Doing Something Indicates College Basketball Season Either Starting, Ending, Or Ongoing +Al-Qaeda Marching Band To Join Macy's Parade After Incredible Audition +New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend +Is This Your Kid? +Chad Pennington Getting Into Groove After Season-Ending Shoulder Injury +Pop Culture Expert Surprisingly Not Ashamed Of Self +Should Boys Get HPV Vaccine? +Movie Theater Employee Hurt By Customer's Comments About High Price Of Popcorn +Kevin Durant Accidentally Reveals NBA Uses System Of Ropes, Pulleys To Help Players Dunk +Brett Favre Claims He's One Loss Away From Career-Ending Injury +Sports Commentator Trophies +About FactZone with Brooke Alvarez +About The Onion News Network +Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free +Prince William Engaged +Rare Autographed Portrait Of Jesus Purchased At Estate Sale +Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date +Panel Chairmen: Cut $200 Billion From Budget +Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring +Row Of Asterisks Spices Up Otherwise Ordinary E-Mail +Zero Percent Of Lesbian-Raised Children Report Abuse +World's Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises +Dirty Kids +General Hospital +The Ricky Jay Show +The Four Seasons Of Smoove +NFL Sends Thousands Of Volunteers To Help Clean Up NFC West +Clinton To Appear In 'Hangover 2' +Obama Returns From India With These Gross Candies For Everyone +Dominant Kevin Garnett: 'This Is My House! This Is Where I Eat And Sleep Every Night!' +Company To Get Head Start On Christmas Layoffs This Year +Cigarette Packaging May Graphically Depict Disease +Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It +Life After Inconsiderate People +Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again +Family Takes Rare Trip To The Good Mall +Dad Reaches Age Where It's No Longer Enjoyable To Make Fun Of How Old He Is +Phones May Help Diagnose STDs +Careless Blazers Goofing Around With Basketball Shatter Greg Oden Into Thousand Pieces +Writer's-Blocked Buster Olney Only Able To Write 90,000 Words On Cliff Lee +NFL 2010 Midseason Highlights +Sons Of Anarchy +When I'm Gone, They'll All Be Sorry vs. Didn't He Kill Himself Last Year? +Rural South Dakotan Walks Away From First Encounter With Jewish Man, Shaken But Unharmed +Do Toning Shoes Really Work? +Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman +Cast Your Vote +MGM Files For Bankruptcy +NBA.com Video Of Sixers-Wizards Game Fails To Go Viral +Local Man Foremost Expert On What The Terrorists Should Do If They Really Want To Hurt Us +San Francisco Bans Happy Meal +Report: Global Warming Issue From 2 Or 3 Years Ago May Still Be Problem +Rules Of Engagement +If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today's Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well +Denver Nuggets Announce Plans To Move To New York For Carmelo Anthony +Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia +Alcohol Worse Than Heroin +Terrified Matt Moore Audibles After Allegedly Seeing Monster In Defense +Area Woman Already Planning Party For 'Mad Men' Series Finale +The Defenders +Cameron Says Save 3-D For The Classics +Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed +Lil' Criminal Minds +NBA Announces Plans To Play Game In London In Swimming Pool +Guy Excited About Party Studying Up On History Of Parties +American Public Gets Exactly What It Deserves For 112th Straight Election +White iPhone Delayed +Nation Taking No Joy In Cowboys' Pathetic Collapse +Group Of Kids With Diabetes All Die One Day After Visit From Jay Cutler +Great Moments In Randy Moss' Career +Boarders +Jim Davis, Guy Who Does 'Heathcliff' Get Together For Annual Lunch To Discuss Doing Cat Cartoons +I Just Want To Begin This Audition By Saying That I'm Still Not Entirely Sure What Acting Is +Thousands Gather To Watch Losing Incumbents Marched Out Of Washington +Chicago Mercantile Exchange Selling Rain Futures +African-American Community Calls For New Black Nerd Archetype +Progressive Parents Refuse To Tell Child Its Sex +Company Paying For Bad Drugs +Tim Duncan Spends Free Time Trying To Get Wrongfully Incarcerated Man Off Death Row +Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way +Mariah Carey Pregnant +Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History +We Do This, We Do That +This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Guns Around The House +Honest Chris Paul Says New Orleans Hornets Fans The 16th Best In World +Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress +Brazil Elects Its First Female President +New Online Voting System Allows Millions Of Masturbators To Take Part In Democracy +Mike & Molly +Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around +Concert Spent Constantly Verifying Presence Of Coat-Check Ticket In Pocket +Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook +Travelers Against Body Scanners +Corpse Of Astronomer Tycho Brahe Exhumed +Shepard's Pie: Taken Abackdraft +Paper Proposes One-Way Trips To Mars +The Future Of High Speed Rail +The High Reis: Interview With Mark Shepard +Movie Poster: Kim Jong Il As The Next Batman +Tech Advances Of 2010 +The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year +Census Finds Enough Homeless People Living In Public Library To Warrant Congressional District +Shepard's Pie: Christmas Eve Carp +Barack Obama - Either Doing His Best In One of The Most Difficult Times In American History, Or Hitler +Snooki - Just Try Not To Think About Who Should Really Be In This Spot +Julian Assange: Nobody Likes A Tattletale +Report: 100 Percent Of College Football Players Receiving Benefits Of Being College Football Players +Mark Zuckerberg - Gotta Hand It To The Little Fucker +Mel Gibson - His Performance In 'Payback' Still Not Getting Enough Credit +Jan Brewer - Not Afraid To Do What The Federal Government Won't And Shouldn't +Tony Hayward - The Brief, Shining Return Of The Classic British Gentleman +Center Worried He Did Something To Make Quarterback Call So Many Shotgun Formations +Manmohan Singh - The First Sikh Prime Minister Of...Okay, Here's What A Sikh Is +Liu Xiaobo - Going To Be Pretty Tough For The Chinese Government To Kill Now +Other Notable Sports Figures Of 2010 +Silvio Berlusconi - I Think The Leader Of The World's 10th-Largest Economy Put Something In My Drink +Kathryn Bigelow - First Woman To Win Oscar For Best Directress +NBA Receives Shipment Of Fresh Ankles +The iPad - Wait Till You See What We're Doing With This One +Landon Donovan - A Disgrace To The Soccer-Loving Country Of America +Terry Jones - Could Have At Least Manned Up And Burned One Koran +Elena Kagan - Trust Us, She Needed This Gig Real Bad +René Préval - Secretly Leading Haiti Into A Golden Age +Josh Smith Claims He Once Saw Hawk Carry Away Basketball In Talons +About SportsDome +About Onion Sports Network +Grýla - Responsible For The Year's Biggest Volcanic Eruption +Mike Shanahan Trails Off During Speech About Turning Franchise Around +Abby Sunderland - Concocted History's Most Extreme Plan To Get Out Of A Summer Job +LeBron James - Already An NBA Champion Of Friendship +Glenn Beck - The Lone Voice Of Reason In An Age Of Hysteria +A Very Rockettes Hanukkah +Ken Whisenhunt Making Ends Meet By Taking Second Head Coach Job +Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report +'Yogi Bear' Movie Introduces Boring Cartoon Character To New Generation +Defenders Of Wikileaks Cripple Credit Cards +New Horse-Racing Initiative Aimed At Training Thoroughbreds From Inner City +Yankees Re-Sign Popular Mascot Derek Jeter +Features Of The New espnW.com +My Son The Radiator +This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter +Kelsey Grammer Engaged +Fey Rights Group Demands Distinction From Homosexuals +Busy Man Has So Many Things He Needs To Get Oh, Look, 'Tin Cup' Is On +Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America +Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder +Report: There Probably Not The Best Place To Stand +Unabomber Property Down In Price +Army Calls For Increased Body Armor For Troops In Syria +Wednesday Afternoon Football +Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations +Will Semi-Success Spoil Jean Teasdale? +Pat Riley Glares At 1988 Bottle Of Hair Gel As He Mulls Return To Coaching +New Carl's Jr. Bedtime Burger Designed To Be Eaten While Asleep +Couple Puts Abortion Option To Online Vote +Cake Dress +Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls +Internet Jokester Strikes Again +Snoop Dogg Writes Song For Prince William +Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn't Come Out Right +Epic Burnouts +Chiefs Accidentally Win Again +Marriage Handled Amicably +Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System +Pentagon To Withhold Budget Figures Out Of Respect For American Families +Coaches Thought BCS Computer Would At Least Make A Noise When Boise State Lost +Baseball Players Hold Annual Meeting To Discuss Benefit Of Wearing Index Finger On Outside Of Mitt +Michael Vick's Redemption +N +Man Can Get By In His Own Language +Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All! +Senate Passes Massive Food-Safety Bill +Restaurant Slammed Out Of Nowhere +Julian Assange Fired From IT Job At Pentagon +2010 Oscar Contenders +NBA Ref Accidentally Calls Offsides +TMZ Dayton Bureau Catches Secondhand Furniture-Store Owner Coming Out Of All-Night Truck Stop +Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life +Enablers +Saturday Night Live +Area Man Already Tired Of Prison +Affirmative Action! +Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right +Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish +Octuplets Doing Well +Father-Son Softball +Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club +Football Players Suffering Brain Damage +Greatest Individual Super Bowl Performances +Kurt Warner Requests HBO Be Blocked At Cardinals' Hotel +Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh +Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day +Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl +Francis Scott Key To Sing National Anthem At Super Bowl XLIII +Super Bowl Football To Be Slightly Bigger +The Israeli Conflict Is Far Too Nuanced And Complex To Sum Up In One Op-Ed/Not If You Hate Jews! +Business Bankruptcies Looming In 2009 +I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions +Country CD Put On To Impress Repair Guy +55,000 Laid Off Monday +Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24 +Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday +Area Woman Encouraged By Sight Of Other Woman Drinking Beer Alone At Airport Bar +Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident +Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice +Dennis Quaid Not Up For Any Oscars +Kennedy Removes Self From Senate Consideration +What You Could Be Watching Right Now +Area Teen Up To Something +Celebrity Russian Roulette Showdown +Foreman Whips Up Special Batch Of Concrete For Favorite Customer +Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money +New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs +Meet The Press +Man Always Attempts To Intercept Tossed Things +Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype +Attention-Seeking Willis McGahee Almost Ruins Steelers' Good Time +Oklahoma City Still Waiting For NBA Team To Arrive +New President, New Website +NFL Players Asked To Come Up With Catchy Slogan For 2009 Super Bowl +Beaten, Bloodied T.J. Houshmandzadeh Hoping Obama Closes Gitmo Soon +Kurt Warner Last Player Remaining From 1947 Cardinals +Donovan McNabb: 'Eagles Fans Deserve This Loss More Than Anyone' +Hey Man, You Got A Second So I Can Fire You? +Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering +Take Time To Talk To Your Child About Whatever Crap They Like +Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen +More Peanut Butter Products Recalled +Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath +Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep +Democrats In Control +Vacation To Israel Canceled Due To History Of Israel +Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village +Obama To Close Guantanamo +Incompetent Staff Feels Underappreciated +How About Shutting Up? +Lesser Piece Of Paper Used To Test Pen's Viability +Man Gets Into Mess Usually Reserved For Stars Of Silent Film Era +Gannett Forces Employees To Take Unpaid Week Off +Unexpressed Love +Facebook Friend Apparently Dead Now +Charles Barkley Finally Gets That Blow Job +Controversial Hall of Fame Selections +Jake Delhomme Throws Keys To Wrong Valet +Rickey Henderson Says He'll Only Join Hall Of Fame If He Can Start +Archie Manning: "Donovan McNabb Is Also My Son" +Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker +FIFA Player Of The Year Ronaldo Almost Forgets To Thank His Feet +Andy Reid Vows To Eat Philadelphia Delicacy If Eagles Win, Arizona Delicacy If Eagles Lose +Blagojevich Just Getting Started +This Short Story About A School Shooting Is Actually Pretty Good +GM Auctioning Off Classic Cars +Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain +I Will Do Whatever It Takes To Restore Your Faith In My Excuses +Winehouse, Husband Divorcing +U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon +Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate +Health Insurance Expensive For Unemployed +Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk +Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon +Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession +California's IOU Tax Refunds +Sixth Senate Page Dragged Away By Congressional Swamp Creature +Sexy Detective +Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare +Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds +Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks +Obscuroclasts +People In Commercial Having More Fun With Camera Than Humanly Possible +Bank CEO Requests No Bonus +Tim Gunn Takes Wizards Shopping For Less Hideous Uniforms +LaDainian Tomlinson To Play Next Game Without A Groin +Kentucky Player Must Explain Significance Of AutoZone Liberty Bowl Before Coed Sleeps With Him +Yankees Boost Payroll By Signing A-Rod Again +Teammates Pretty Sure Ben Roethlisberger Can No Longer Remember Their Names +2008 Bowl Game Highlights +NBA To Experiment With 3-Minute Games +People Like Food +McDonald's Makeover +Area Teen Accidentally Enters Teen Center +I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World +China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography +Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date +Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush +Franken Likely Winner +Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches +Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle +Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive +Stripper Putting Herself Through Life +Opportunity Knocks +Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees +Teen TV Habits Linked To Adult Depression +ATF Agents Closing In On Nation's Most Notorious Cigarette Bummer +Howie Time! +CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama On Creation Of Crack Cocaine +If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'Fuck You' +'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder +New Mike Tyson Documentary Features Exclusive Interviews With Super Macho Man, King Hippo +Cleaner Air, Longer Life +Lesser-Known Steroids +Report: Majority Of Utah Jazz Players Have Never Heard Of Themselves +New 'Friday Night Lights' Spin-Off To Focus On Underfunded Texas Hockey Team +Sidney Crosby Takes Advantage Of Player's Discount At Penguins Store +Entire Basketball Game Rendered Pointless By Last-Second Shot +Men Standing Behind Backstop With Radar Guns Exchange Impressed Glances +The New Kindle +Loud Squawking Crow Forces FAA To Ground All Flights Indefinitely +Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm +Nation Instinctively Forms Breadline +I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect +Man Finally Unpauses 'Super Mario Bros.' After 18 Years Of Chores +Arranged Marriage Reality Series In Production +Parade Of Interchangeable Starlets Delights U.S. Populace +Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times +Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House +Last Meals +Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things +Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys +Octuplet's Domicile Threatened By Foreclosure +Plan To Start Little Stationery Store Too Sad For Bank To Deny Loan +White House Press Conference +Area Man Thought He Had More Forks Than This +Texas UFO Identified +Scott Boras Able To Get Manny Ramirez $20 Billion In Economic Stimulus Money +Bobby Labonte Real Happy With 73rd Lap +Buccaneers Inform Jeff Garcia That No Team Ever Wanted Him +Phil Mickelson Shows Bubba Watson New Grip In Clubhouse Shower +Marcus Camby Caught Hacking NBA Computer To Change Clippers Power Ranking +Nate Robinson Jumping Over Dwight Howard In Everyday Life +NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes +Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door +Oscar Handicapping +If Itzhak Perlman Is Performing On TV Right Now, Who Is Feeding My Cat? +Employee Who Likens Self To TV's 'House' Fired +Nuclear Subs Collide +Head Lice Going Around Senate +Fringe +The Best Part Of Being A Cop Is Knowing That You're Completely Impervious To Bullets +FDA Prepares Nation For Switch To Digital Food Format +Muzak Files For Bankruptcy +Tourists Not Leaving Landmark Until All Permutations Of Groups And Cameras Exhausted +Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them +Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets +Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too +Ice Road Hookers +Nation's Couples Descend On Nation's Rotating Restaurants +Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window +Former eBay CEO Running For Governor +Rock Of Love Bus +K-Y Introduces New Line Of Jam +Fuck-Rod Wondering What Permutation Of His Name Will Be Used For Steroid Story +A-Rod: 'Maybe Everyone Will Let This One Slide' +A-Rod's Career Lowlights +A-Rod Dead At 33 +Terrible Sports Editor Wants To Lead With Beckham, AC Milan Story +Turns Out Craig Counsell Was Actually Best Baseball Player Of Steroid Era +Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover +Report: Curt Schilling Has An Opinion On A-Rod +First Grandma, Treasury Secretary Geithner Up All Night Talking, Laughing +Celebrities Celebrate Valentine's Day +Gold Bracelet Picked Up At Pharmacy +Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer +Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke +Obama Debuts Annoying Catchphrase +I Wish I'd Spent Valentine's Day Eating A Prix Fixe Dinner, But I Was Too Busy Getting Beheaded +Report: Guy On Bench Going To Town On Meatball Sub +134 Ice Fishermen Rescued +Ex-Girlfriend Making Huge Mistake +Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex +Digital TV Conversion Delayed +Extreme Makeover: Home Edition +'This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life,' Lies Man Holding Baby +Relationship Tips +Survivorgoat +Per Tradition, Ex-Presidents Watch Obamas Christen White House Bed +Years Of Networking, Glad-Handing Sabotaged By Coworker's Good Idea +Annoying Stickler Insists On Every Detail Of Space Mission Being Exactly Right +Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo +She'll See +Dad Tests Limits Of Cheesecake Factory Vibrating Pager +Ask A Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now +NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow +Super Bowl XLIII Highlights +Pepsi Super Bowl Commercial Got You Talking, Reports Area Dad +Area Girlfriend Was Voting For Cardinals +'Greatest Super Bowl Ever,' Reports Incorrect Man +Disney Fails To Meet Expectations +Polamaluesque Puppy Dominates Puppy Bowl +Ken Whisenhunt: 'A Lot Of People Said We Couldn't Come In Here And Win, And They Were Correct' +Liberals Horrified By Lack Of Inexperience Among Obama Appointees +'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched +Area Throat-Clearer To Go See Movie +Arizona Super Bowl Viewers Shown Pornography +Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword +Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines +Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money? +Daschle Paid $220,000 By Health Care Industry +Death Withdraws Icy Hand From Shoulder Of Caroline Kennedy +Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit +Obama Decries Wall Street Bonuses +Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion For Nation +Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale +The Only Way Out Of This Crisis Is To Build More Houses +Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School +Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video? +Great Performances +Offbeat Congressman Having Trouble Finding Committee To Fit Into +Army's Fat Recruit Problem +Foie Gras, Scallops Snuck Into Opera House +Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There +Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man +Rush Limbaugh Tucks Shirt Back In Following Animated Flat Tax Rant +Sacramento Closes Tent City +'People' Magazine Reporter Held Hostage By Timothy Hutton Extremists +Scooter Peninsula +Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole +Marc Stein Treated For OCD After Latest NBA Power Rankings List Teams From Dirtiest To Cleanest +Area Man Just Realized He Doesn't Even Know When Barack Obama's Birthday Is +Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds +Notable Siblings In Sports +NCAA Tournament Results Leaked To Internet +Team USA Happy To Be Back Playing For Money +Jets Attempt To Trade Mannequin Dressed As Favre For Jay Cutler +Tennessee Men's Lady Vols Eliminated From NCAA Tournament +Shaq Finds Mysterious Inscriptions Written On Basketball +Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him +Red Meat May Spell Early Death +Everything Taking Too Long +The Controversial AIG Bonuses +I Was Going to Succumb To Cancer, But Then I Got This Mylar Balloon +TV Producers Running Out Of Types Of People To Have Dance With Each Other +U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile +Fat Ghosts +98% Of Babies Manic-Depressive +Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program +Congress Forced To Watch Training Video About Bipartisan Cooperation +Important Things With Demetri Martin +Oh No, Performers Coming Into Audience +Exchange-Student Exchange +Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend +Animal Patrick Duffy +U.S. Troops In Iraq Excited To Finally Return To Afghanistan +Moving Tom Hanks +Would That I Had Someone Special With Whom I Could Share My 'Galaga' Achievements +Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife Lorraine Reports +Office Worker Suddenly Becomes Sentient +NCAA Tournament Snubs +Patrick Duffy’s Ideal Role +Local Office Betting On Who Will Win NCAA Tournament Pool At Other Office +Charlotte Bobcats Seeded 7th In NIT +6-Overtime Game Unites Syracuse, UConn In Common-Law Marriage +'I'm Doing Just Fine,' Filthy, Unshaven Isiah Thomas Reports Into Banana +James Harrison In Serious Talks With Steelers About Life, Being A Father +Internet To Reduce E-Mail Delivery To 6 Days A Week +Patrick Duffy's New Film +Right To Privacy Not Guaranteed By Constitution, Says Supreme Court Justice Peeking In Bathroom Window +Putting Vacant Houses To Use +Family Matters +I Got To Find A New Place To Live +Policeman Breaks Up Area Party Out Of Pity +Happy Birthday Patrick Duffy +Getting Randomly Picked To Make Half-Court Shots Now Best Way To Earn Living +Patrick Duffy Turns 60 +Tree Featured In 'The Deer Hunter' Dies +Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday +Area Dad Botches 'Princess Bride' Quote +Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution +Christian Salt Introduced +Crash Cab +Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud +Things Just Taste Better Out Of A Skull +Sleazy Health Insurance Covers Any Doctor's Visit They Can Watch +Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle +Yankees' Backup 3rd Baseman Woken Up +Institutionalized Charles Barkley Having Trouble At New Grocery Store Job +6-Tool Player Sings Like An Angel +Terrell Owens Career Highlights +Tony Stewart Gets Into Fight With Car +Stumbling, Bumbling Sled Dog: 'Sorry, This Is My First Iditarod' +Panicked Agriculture Secretary Momentarily Forgets What Corn Is +Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds +Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy +FDA Approves Salmonella +Rush Limbaugh Returns +I Know A Guy Who Knows A Guy Who Can Really Screw Us Over +Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden +Beatles Edition Of Rock Band Coming Out +American Idol +Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry +Anger Actually Can Kill +Rise In Rent Forces Local Taco Bell To Take On Roommate +Husband, Wife Unaware They Are A Comedy Team +Area Man Thinks He Was Fired Because Of Recession +Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder +San Francisco Historians Condemn 1906 Earthquake Deniers +It's Women's History Month, Charlie Brown +Well, Well, Well, If It Isn't Every Woman I've Ever Slept With +Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To...Ah, Never Mind, It's Extinct +Students Warned About Mexico Travel +World Baseball Classic Team-By-Team Breakdown +'Play Every Day To The Best Of Your Ability' Clause Stalled Ramirez, Dodgers Talks +Kobe Bryant In Search Of Another Cause To Put His 49 Points Toward +Redskins Ask Albert Haynesworth To Gain 2,400 Pounds +Jason Kidd Given 1997 Chevy Lumina For Making 10,000th Assist +Roger Federer Growing Frustrated As U.S. Open Drags Feet On Sending 1099 Form +Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics' Big 3 In Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue +UPS Guy Hasn't Heard A Doorbell Like That One In A While +Jonas Brothers Film Underperforms +Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency +Illinois Corruption Timeline +Hungry Betty +Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go +Responsibilities Track Man Down Inside Dream +iPhone App Usage Drops Off +Area Woman Will Eat Anything With 'Tuscan' In Name +Paul Harvey Dead At 90 +Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum +For Gay Couple, Fulfilling Lifelong Dream Of Marriage Not Worth Moving To Iowa +If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me +New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts +Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden +Specter Switches Sides +Notable Choke Jobs +Nation Dumbfounded As To Why Little-Leaguer's Favorite Player Is Chipper Jones +National Diet Of Japan +'St. Elsewhere' PA Grilled By Howie Mandel's Biographer +Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers +Craigslist Server Contracts HPV +Congress Working On Credit Card Reform +What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights? +Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately +Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S. +Outfielders Take Knee, Infielders Move Up In New 'Jason Varitek Shift' +Well, Duh! +FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency +Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities +Shaq To Guest Referee Game 1 Of Eastern Conference Championship +G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse +The Billionaire Matchmaker +This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again +Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C. +New York Times 'Faces Of The Dead' Editor Just Needs A Couple More To Fill Out Corner +Major League Baseball +Indian Business Students Into 'Mein Kampf' +Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf +Pushpin Industry Thriving In Recession +Well, There Goes Our Dream Vacation To Somalia +Tax Day Celebrated With 'Tea Parties' +Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference +The Greatest Guitar Smashers +Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case +Deriba Merga Dedicates Boston Marathon Victory To Pit Crew +Celebrating John Madden +First Homo Leagues Player Shatters MLB Sexuality Barrier +Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About +Stupid Man Overshadowed By Louder Stupid Man +Spam A Global Warming Issue +God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church +Simple Tips For A Greener House +Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave +Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line +Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese +Wade Phillips Excited About Upcoming NFL Giraffe +Director For ASPCA Commercial Demands Sadder Looking Dogs +WTC Rebuild Delayed +Oprah's African School Forced To Cut Oprahmatics, 20th Century Oprah History +Bloodstained Gary Bettman: 'I Have Taken The Necessary Measures To Ensure A Crosby-Ovechkin Final' +Safety School +John Starks Leads Knicks To Victory In Promotional 1994 Roster Night +Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers +Life Lessons With Dez +Supreme Court Justices Keep Citing Cases Roberts And Alito Are Too Young To Remember +CIA Headquarters Disappears +Tickets Up, Concessions Down +Brawl Clears Benches Of Everyone But J.D. Drew +NASA Embarks On Epic Delay +Making Your Block Greener +I'm Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles +Area Woman's Safety Net Braces For Another Impact +DHS Warns Of Rise in Right-Wing Extremism +Harry Kalas Tribute Video Somehow Narrated By Harry Kalas +Who Will Be The New Voice Of NFL Films? +Mr. Met Having Trouble Sleeping In New Home +New GM-Segway Vehicle Coming +Concerts Held To Wish World's Poor Good Luck +Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56 +Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide +Six Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die! +Apparently Man Can't Just Hate Bowling +Captain Rescued From Pirates +New ESPN GameCast Feature Allows Your Team To Win +English Soccer Game +Advertising Firm Unveils New Mute-Resistant Commercials +Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'ThunderCats' +Texas Legislator Wants Asians To Americanize Names +Mets Fans Perplexed By New Stadium's Prominent Tim Teufel Statue +I'd Hit That +Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To +Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs +Common-Law Wives Of Pulaski County +Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position +Nation's Power Grid Hacked +Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly +Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie +Blindfolded Panetta Shipped To Kabul In Hilarious CIA Hazing Ritual +Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech +25 Years Of WrestleMania +Orlando Air Traffic Controllers Lack Experience +Phil Mickelson Has Perfect Comeback If Tiger Woods Makes Fun Of Him For Being Left-Handed +Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame +Tax Preparation Tips +World's 467,357th-Ranked Tennis Player Working On Serving Overhand +Inept Coworker Increasingly Difficult To Fantasize About +Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers +2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 In Allowance Money +Celebrity Tax Deductions +Stop Anthropomorphizing Me +Injured Manu Ginobili Only Flopping At 85% +Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst +2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped +The Late Show +Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst +Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion +Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism +Cubs To Continue Tradition Of Playing Baseball +Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon +Cyrus Doesn't Want 'Hannah Montana' Sequel +Archer Daniels Midland +White College Player Does Hair Before Game +Incredible 'Business-Man' Has Salary Of 10 Regular Men +Study Finds Paint Aisle At Lowe's Best Place To Have Complete Meltdown +Let's Go See The New Nicolas Cage Movie! +Hush Falls Over Prison Population As Madoff Stabs Cellmate In Throat +'ER’ Draws To Close +Great Comebacks From Injury +Sean O'Hair Gains Revenge By Angrily Masturbating To Tiger Woods' Wife +Cheering Fans, Thrilling NCAA Tournament Disgust BCS Officials +New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes +Historic Senator Robert Byrd Imploded In Controlled Demolition +Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion +The Real Housewives Of Mogadishu +Every Story In Local Police Blotter Concerns Jayson Williams +Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team +Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of 'Change' To 'Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas' +Man Realizes He Has No Interests +'American Idol' Results Tainted? +Stan Van Gundy Draws Up Play In Barbecue Sauce +Smoke Monster From 'Lost' Given Own Primetime Spin-Off Series +Oh, No! It's Making Well-Reasoned Arguments Backed With Facts! Run! +Parents Legally Change 9-Year-Old's Name To Better Reflect Current Pop Culture +Notable Indy 500 Crashes +Obama Announces Justice Nominee +Investigators: Increasingly Likely That James Harrison Bit Own Son +Manny Ramirez To David Ortiz: 'Road Trip' +Tyler Perry, Bounty Hunter +Changing Channel On Local Bar's TV More Of A Process Than Area Man Anticipated +Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22 +Obama's New Fuel Efficiency Plan +The Oprah Winfrey Show +You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's Extreme Wealth +Mildfires Amble Through California +Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication +Nation Refuses To Get To Know Hedo Turkoglu +KFC No Longer Permitted To Use Word 'Eat' In Advertisements +In Attempt To Jump-Start Economy, Obama Declares Tuesdays Ladies' Night +Supreme Court Justice Application Asks For 3 Sample Opinions +Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica +MLB Adjusts Drug Policy To Allow David Ortiz To Take Steroids +Report: Increasing Number Of Educators Found To Be Suffering From Teaching Disabilities +Magic Game Plan To Out-Basketball Cavaliers +Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band +Roadside Driving Range +Senior Center Restocks On Rum Raisin Ice Cream +Guantánamo Closure Delayed +Struggling 'Pittsburgh Post-Gazette' Asks Sidney Crosby To Cover Penguin Playoff Series +New Netpix Service Sends Unlimited Photographs For Monthly Fee +Guantánamo Detainee Ruled Not Mentally Fit To Testify About Psychological Torture +Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By! +Senior Prank Somehow Leaves High School With Increased Math Funding +Championship Teams At The White House +Allen Settles With American Apparel +Celtics: 'That Was A Reasonable Amount Of Time To Be In The Playoffs' +Preakness-Winning Filly An Inspiration To Women Who Want To Win Preakness +The Mythological Adventures Of Giant Christine +Monument Designer To See If Some Other Country Wants To Buy Rejected War Memorial +Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic +Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans +Social Security, Medicare Running Out Of Money +I Realize I Haven't Been The World's Best Star Of 'Criminal Minds' Lately +New Prescription Fish Tank Eliminates Need For Glasses While Looking At Fish +Economy Has Bottomed Out +Steelers Jersey Worn To Pirates Game +I Can Open That With My Teeth! +Area Woman Worried She's Forgetting What Heath Ledger Looked Like +Cow Genome Outlined +Bill Laimbeer Reverently Elbows Chuck Daly's Coffin Into Grave +Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job +Alabama Nights +Gwendolyn Monroe Mourns Death Of Ex-Husband Dom DiMaggio +Area Mom, Jerry To Wed +Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years +The Man With No Gun +Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads +Ron Artest Tells Reporters He Lives For The NBA Playoffs, Coconut Shrimp +Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe +Israeli PM Debuts New Road Map For Continued Strife +Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site +Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage +Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening +Tiger's Slump +Brett Favre Mails Arm To Vikings +Manny Ramirez: 'Am I In Trouble?' +Eating For One +Bitchy Girlfriend Just Asking For Anne Hathaway To Swoop In, Steal Man Away +Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market +Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slum +Revitalizing The GOP +There's Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt +Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated +Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears +Cash-Strapped Indy 500 To Charge Dollar-A-Lap Toll +Cool Magnet Tricks +Classmates.com Employees Don't Have Heart To Tell CEO About Facebook +NASA Running Out Of Fuel +Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit +Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute +Royals Unable To Find Themselves In Standings +Area Man First In His Family To Coast Through College +Mainstream Media At It Again, Bloggers Report +Concert Security Guard Would Willingly Give His Life To Protect Coldplay +Michael Savage Banned From Britain +Tim Duncan Begins Summer Job At Apple Genius Bar +Two And A Half Men +Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel +Hey, Dave, Do You Know A Jack Spencer? +Sun Goes Out For A Few Seconds +College Sports Cutbacks +Newest Kindle May Change Textbook Market +New Book Alleges There Was One Day When A-Rod Didn't Take Steroids +Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games +Bonotheism +12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson +Men's Health Department Proposed +Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway +Kerry Begins Newspaper Hearings +Kids, Your Mother And I Are Getting Divorced When You Least Expect It +Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B +Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer +China Quarantines Mexicans +New Television Show +Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic +Harness Racing Movie Contends Life Is Like Harness Racing +8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted +Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again +Stat-Minded Player Recalculating VORP Before Every At Bat +Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship +Substitute Preacher +NBA To Introduce Last-Second Shot Clock +Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy' +Sherpa Who Led Neil Armstrong To Moon Dead At 71 +King Of Pop Dead At 12 +Michael Jackson Dead +Twitter Creator On Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful' +Pirates Want Everyone In Pittsburgh To Stop Staring At Them +Robert Pattinson Hit By Taxicab +Brandon Phillips Nibbling On Pretzels While In Field +Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees +Detroit Lions Begin 8-Month Megacamp +The Bachelorette +Area Man Maps Out Drinking Strategy +Milton Bradley To Give Every Second Out Ball To Fans So He Doesn't Look Like An Idiot +Benefits Extended To Federal Employees’ Domestic Partners +Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash +Kung Fudge! We Lost Another Great Actor! +People-Watcher Catches Glimpse Of Rare North American Black Doofus +Team USA's World Cup Stumbles +Human Trafficking On The Rise +Rangers Win Stanley Cup 15 Years Ago +Kobe Bryant Proves He Can Win Championship With Luke Walton On Team +Live From The Artists Den +New Hampshire Passes Law Forcing Old People To Watch Gays Marry +Letterman Apologizes To Palin +Obama Announces Plans To Run For McCain's Senate Seat In 2010 +Kim Jong Il's Successor +Duh…I'm Stupid! vs. No! That's Not Me! +Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table +60-Year-Old Hippie Pitied By 40-Year-Old Punk +Vaccine Rejectors Put Kids At Risk +Bassmaster Somehow Has Huge Comeback +So You Think You Can Dance And Maintain A Well-Balanced Stock Portfolio +Film About Little Guy Battling Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization Made By Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization +Chatter Down 10 Percent +Mountain Dew's New 'World Of Warcraft' Beverages +Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles +Roy Halladay Gives Press Conference To Empty Room +Middle-Age Center Provides Safe, Positive Place For Fortysomethings To Go After Work +I-70 Truckers +Machiavellian White House Groundskeeper Gaining Influence Among West Wing Staff +Miss California Loses Crown +Orlando Assistant Coach Patrick Ewing Counsels Dwight Howard On How To Lose NBA Title +Underfunded Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer To Run Through Maze +FDA To Regulate Tobacco +This Space Camp Looks A Lot Like Fat Camp +Historically Bad Sportsmanship +Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts +Following 300th Victory, Randy Johnson Returns Healthy Back To Local Man +Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant +America's Next Top Model +More People Committing Insurance Fraud +Elderly Man Skipping Work Uses 'Dead Grandson' Excuse Again +Michelle Obama's Arms Meet With Sri Lankan Refugees +Landmark Gay Rights Cases +But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them +Mom Really Funny Today +'Billy Elliot' Wins 10 Tonys +Orioles' Top Prospect Wins World Series In First Major-League At Bat +Nightline +17-Year-Old Thinks She's Getting Into Photography +Palm Pre Released +Adrian Gonzalez Asks If You Happen To Know Who Current Home Run Leader Is +New Terminator Movie Brings J.D. Salinger Out Of Hiding +Food! Food! Food! +Allegations May Tarnish Derrick Rose's Academic Achievements +Pathetic Man Thinking About Maybe Taking Some Sort Of Class Of Some Kind +Abortion Doctor's Murder Sparks Waves Of Calm, Rational Discussion +American Lighters +Presidential Radio Address Pledge Drive In Its Final Day +Kobe Bryant Puppet Finds LeBron James Puppet Dead In Apartment Bathtub +OAS Welcomes Cuba Back +New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls +Why The Cavaliers Lost +Nintendo Introduces New 'Vitality Sensor' +The Jewish People Have Endured So Much, What I'm Going To Put Them Through Is Nothing +Simple Task Of Going To Post Office Feels Like Weight Of 10,000 Boulders +Rafael Nadal Thinks He Disappointed Millions By Losing French Open +Detroit, Pittsburgh Both Attempting To Lose Stanley Cup, Avoid Expensive Victory Parade +Creflo Dollar Ministries +Museum Staff Braces For Large Group Wearing Same T-Shirt +The Cost Of Winning In Minnesota +FBI: Terrorist Attack On Golden Gate Bridge May Have Been Green-Screened +Who Is Sonia Sotomayor? +20 Million Americans Without Health Care Attend Painful, Labored March On Washington +Just The Teleprompter +Kids, Come Look At This Dreadlock From My College Days +Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin +Conan’s 'Tonight' Debut +Professional Racing Drivers In 2-Ton Cars Terrified By Droplets Of Water +Archaeologists Discover World's First Guy Named Marty +Microsoft Launches New Search Engine +Hercules Still Struggling To Complete 13th Labor +Delonte West Stays After Practice To Work On His Fouls +Cambridge Cop Accidentally Arrests Henry Louis Gates Again During White House Meeting +Jim Rice Inducted Into Baseball Hall Of Adequacy +Man At Bar Has Incredibly Complicated Reason For Why He Enjoys Rolling Rock +Apple To Rescue Album Sales +Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide +So This Is A Panic Attack, Eh? +Pentagon Loses Hard Drive With All The Movies On It +Obama Meets With Gates, Arresting Officer +Rickey Henderson Disappoints Nation With Humble, Heartfelt Hall Of Fame Speech +Lance Armstrong Inspires Thousands To Come In Third To Cancer +Conditions Of Michael Vick's Reinstatement +Wipeout +A Dreamliner Deferred +Area Couple Not Sure If Sex Was Tantric +New Home Sales Up 11% +Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers +Hollywood Is A Cruel, Lonely Place For Actors Who Can Only Play Clumsy Italian Waiters +Softball Team Unsure Of How To Console Jackass Captain Who Just Struck Out +Palin Abdicates Gubernatorial Seat +China Strong +American Consumer Masses Agree: It Fish Time! +Nothing At All Happens To 28 Tibetan Protesters, Their Families +Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity +Samantha Where? +U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son +Terrier Bravely Defends Family From Squeak +Potato-Faced Youngster Lauded For Memorizing Primitive 26-Character Alphabet +Three Dozen Confirmed *@@## In Power Plant *@@## +House Committee On Foreign Affairs +Why Did No One Inform Us Of The Imminent Death Of The American Newspaper Industry? +Bad Lab Results Often Unreported +Yao Ming! +America's Got Talent +Toddler Chokes To Death On Plastic Taiwanese-Made Toy +Computer Injuries Sharply Increase +Report: Majority Of Americans Proficient At Owing Large Sums Of Money +Intellectual Property Rights As Fleeting As The Scent Of Jasmine, Mayfly's Wing In Autumn +Dairy Cattle Slaughtered During Record Surplus +Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home +The Office +Internet Adds 12th Website +U.S. Hunger For Fish Byproducts Not As Strong As First Imagined +Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction +Whitney Houston To Release Comeback Album +Star Athlete Signs Contract For Millions Of Weak U.S. Dollars +Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run +Selfless Jason Kendall Sacrifices Bunt, Self For Good Of Team, Advancement Of Runners +President's 100th Birthday To Be Recognized +Table Tennis Star Wang Hao Out 4 Weeks With Sprained Knuckle +Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese +Internal Weakness Openly Shared With Coworkers +NASCAR: Why Is It Not Done On Thousands Of Bicycles? +Pristine Shipment Of Fish Product Contaminated By Filthy U.S. Inspectors +Tennessee Unemployment Hits 10.7% +Know Any Good State Secrets? +American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder +Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation +Most Momentous Achievements In The Earthly History Of Sport +Women's Gymnastics: The New Baseball? +One In 3 Ticks Carry Lyme Disease +U.S. Falls Short Of Success +Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed +Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct +I'm Not A Celebrity, Please Make Me One +Grandmother Classifies 79% Of Everything A Shame +The Ultimate DJ Challenge +Carlos Lee Befriends Anthill In Left Field +New Boyfriend Charming Pants Off Baskin-Robbins Staff +Plan B To Be Available As Generic +Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation +My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga +Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine +Census To Count Gay Marriages +America's Most Flawed Sports Facilities +Michael Jordan Wondering Why He Wasn't In NBA Jam +Sports Going Through Slump +Barry Zito Throws One-Hit Bullpen Session +PBA King Of Bowling +Man At Bar Clinging To Muted 'King Of Queens' Episode Like Life Preserver +Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide +Nation Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Obama's Cadence +World's Oldest Musical Instrument Discovered +Derek Jeter Makes Easy Play Look Easy +Oh, Dear God, What Are You People Doing To Me? +Researchers Quietly Chuckling At Placebo Group +Studies Show Alternative Medicine Ineffective +More And More Athletes Getting Ice Water Injected Into Veins +Pet Owner Not Bothering To Neuter Loser Cat +'Brüno' A Success +Disillusioned FBI Launches Nationwide Hunt For Some Kind Of Truth +Nurse Jackie +7 Million People Direct Descendants Of Single Smooth-Talking Ancestor +Am I An Orphan? +Girlfriend Loves Spending 'Alone Time' With You +Mississippi The Fattest State +Man Looks Up 'Baseball' On Wikipedia +Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal Pool +I'm Not Questing With You Until You Admit You Screwed Up The Zul'Aman Raid +Sports' Greatest Fourth Of July Moments +Report: Ugh, No One Would Care Anyway +Chinese Porn Filter A Failure +John Smoltz Somehow Winds Up In Home Run Derby +Baseball Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings Fuck-Cams +International Soup +Military Institutes New 'Don't Tell, Let Me Guess' Policy +President Obama Still Smoking +Report: Babe Ruth Was Actually Pointing Out Where Halley's Comet Would Appear 54 Years Later +Jilted Hasbro CEO Laughs Coldly As Scrabble Destroys Another Relationship +How To Save California +Success Of Recent At Bat Inspires Justin Upton To Learn More About Hitting Capabilities Of Wood +Jack White Teams Up With NBA Commissioner David Stern In Latest Side Project +I Guess I'm Sort Of Like The 'Dad' Of This Family +Biden Requests To Be Named Special Envoy To Reno +30 Years Of The Walkman +American Masters +Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped +Karl Malden Dead +Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide +Postal Workers Offered Buyout +Lou Piniella Lauded For Not Getting Anyone's Hopes Up This Year +News Of Jenna Elfman Sitcom Sends Herd Of Buffalo Into Wild Stampede +Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked +Popular Science's Future Of +Dan Patrick Assumed More People Would Be At Craig Kilborn's Birthday Party +Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together +Moving Day +Sanford Vows To Complete Term +Big Ten Peace Summit Fails To End Century-Long Michigan, Ohio State Rivalry +Fucker Riding Man's Ass Whole Way Out To Cleveland +Nation's Unemployment Outlook Improves Drastically After Fifth Beer +Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta +John Madden Blasts Cris Collinsworth's Hoagie Knowledge +Name One Masterpiece Of Cinema That I've Starred In +Jessica Biel Searches Infectious +Nipsey Russell Estate Releases Volume Of Previously Unpublished Couplets +Rare Centuple Play Ends Mets' Season +Eat-In-Moderation Your Ass Off +Market Evidently Capable Of Supporting More Than One Reality Show About Cake +Calley Apologizes For My Lai Massacre +Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How To Mingle +Let Me Show You Our New Line Of Bullshit +Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole +Stadium Bursts Out Laughing After Jamie Moyer Pitch +Smokey The Bear Turns 65 +The Dishes +Op-Ed Sparks Whole Foods Boycott +Justice Stevens Renews Vows To Supreme Court In Emotional Reconfirmation Hearing +Ted DiBiase Worried About Current Status Of His Million Dollars +Ex-DHS Chief Asserts Terror Alerts Gamed Election +Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park +Pets Cooking Things +Area Man To Hang Out At McDonald's For 20 Minutes Until Lunch Menu Goes Up +British Royal Family Concerned After Queen Elizabeth II Beheads 7 Tourists +Michael Vick Embarrassed After Accidentally Burning Down Lincoln Financial Field +No One In Stadium Quite Sure Why Muhammad Ali Being Honored +Swiss Bank To Name Clients +Study: 74% Of Children Tenting Out In Yard Don't Make It Through The Night +Wave To Everyone Who Passes By Or Get Off My Boat +Chubby Jewish Boy Dreams Of One Day Being Next Apatow Muse +Robert Novak Dead +Notable Quarterback Controversies +Mets Retaliate For David Wright Beaning By Murdering Pablo Sandoval +Lazy Puma Exec Pitches Commercial Where Usain Bolt Runs Away From Something +Last Call With Carson Daly +Newly Discovered Recordings Reveal Beatles Actually Terrible Group +Marijuana Growers Linked To California Fire +Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care +Mamet To Direct 'Anne Frank' +You Kids Are Old Enough Now To Hate For Yourselves +Kiss With Wife Pretty Good +Tom Coughlin Moves Up Ahmad Bradshaw On Team's Death Chart +Milwaukee Mayor Beaten With Pipe +Polite And Modest Brides +Film Adaptation Of 'The Brothers Karamazov' Ends Where Most People Stop Reading Book +Documentary Manny Ramirez Talking About Turns Out To Be 'Billy Madison' +Cheney To Slam Bush In New Book +CNBC: 'Anyone Who Owns A Suit Can Come On Television' +Josh McDaniels Checks NFL.com To See What Other Teams Are In The League +Mom Has Some Wild New Ideas For Dressing Son This Year +2009 World Series Of Poker +Bounty, Brawny CEOs Wearing Down Patience Of Mutual Friend +Bat Boy Easily Holds Shane Victorino Back During Argument With Umpire +Would-Be Ford Assassin Released +Pantene Markets New Shampoo As Best For Masturbating Boyfriend In Shower +Moving On Up…To The Cheap Side! +Ex-Wife, Divorce Lawyer Killed As Model Train Careens Off Tracks +2009 NFL Training Camp Highlights +Cost To Raise Child Exceeds $200,000 +Tony Dungy Casually Asks Michael Vick If Dogfighting Was Fun +Still-Rattled Padraig Harrington Wears Golf Shoes To Airport, Gets On Wrong Flight, Forgets Name +Bravo Coming Out Party +Sotomayor To Add Ballistics Expertise To Already Deadly Supreme Court +Teenage Rebels Seize Control Of Food Court's Corner Table +GM Selling Cars On eBay +Congress Beginning To Suspect Senator Mark Warner Might Be Homeless +News Corp. Losing Money +I'm Sorry, But There Was Almost Nothing Else We Could Have Done +Area Man Has No Idea How To Get Copy Of Birth Certificate +Umpire Disgusted By Catcher, Batter Flirting With Each Other +Kim Jong Il In Control Of North Korea +The Cameo Family +Little Butterball Holding Up Ice Cream Line +Chase Utley Feels Phillies Teammates Already Like Cliff Lee More Than Him +John Hughes Dead +Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux' +Brady Quinn Studies All Night For Written Portion Of QB Competition +Area Man Spends Summer Having Wallet Stolen Across Europe +Things Our Archive Department Accidentally Taped Over The Original Moon Landing Footage +Area Man Uses 'Big Buck Hunter' Score To Determine Ability To Drive Home +Controversial Sabermetrician Posits That There Is No Such Thing As Baseball +Plague In China +Legion Of Terra-Cotta Mouseketeers Found Beneath Disney World +We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program +Criss Angel's Nephew Forced To Sit Through Another Lame Mindfreak +Unfair Technological Advantages In Sports +'Cash For Clunkers' Broke +Orlando Cabrera Hates Metrodome's Tuna Casserole Smell +Blue Jays GM Confirms There Never Really Was A 'Roy Halladay' +Deliberate Bystander +Biden Invokes Freedom Of Information Act To Find Out When Woman Gets Off Work +College Grad Suing Alma Mater +Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn +New York Fighting Homelessness +The Divorce Was Unfortunate, But I'm Glad We Handled It Like Total Animals +Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady's First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards +Rapper Not Entirely Sure Who Else Is On This Track +Researchers Find New Strain Of HIV +Chuck +Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots +Blue Food Dye Helps Spinal Injuries +Sanyo Praying Area Man Doesn't Send In Rebate Form +Extremely Patient Kevin Youkilis Works Count To 6-5 +Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants +You Got Robbed! +Pentagon Report Concludes Too Many Soldiers Have Same Nickname +Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll +Obama Addresses U.N. +Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat +It's Still Not Too Late To Greet Us As Liberators +After 40-Day Search, Authorities Finally Replace Missing Boy +Polanski Arrested On 31-Year-Old Sex Charge +Somebody Gave Kelsey Grammer Another Goddamn Show +NFL Scientists Postulate Theoretical Down Before First Down +Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal +British Relax Assisted-Suicide Laws +Pepsi To Cease Advertising +'Billy Beane Of Office Softball' Profiled In Book 'MoneySoftball' +Confused NASCAR Driver Runs Over 30 Golfers During Attempt To Win FedEx Cup +Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam +So You Think You Can Consistently Attract The 18-To-34 Demographic +John Maine Takes Pitch Requests At Poorly Attended Mets-Nationals Game +Obama Trying Out Social Policies In 'Second Life' +Mackenzie Phillips Had Sex With Father +Sexy Career Woman To Take Hot Bath After Stressful Day +Andy Reid Carted Onto Field To Shake Hands With Sean Payton +My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over +Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing +Flavored Cigarettes Banned +Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium +Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones +Unremarkable Planet +Tuition In Tough Times +Shrewd Umpire Not About To Be Fooled By Catcher Moving Glove Into Strike Zone +Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist +Edwards Alleged To Have Love Child +Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M. +P.S. I Love You +Troy Polamalu All Over Orthopedic Clinic +Spatial Skills Abandon Area Man During Search For Correct Tupperware Lid +Nigerian Officials Try To Block 'District 9' +Bad Habits Of People You Are Better Than +Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials +‘Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries,’ Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long +Pregnant And Infirm Given First H1N1 Vaccine +George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade +TMZ +Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed +The NFL On Fox Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pregame Show +John Stockton Assists Hall Of Fame Officials In Setting Up Induction Ceremony +Michael J. Fox Reluctantly Fields Hoverboard Question During Parkinson's Research Benefit +Color Blindness Cured in Monkeys +Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs +I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It +DHS Sets Security Alert Level To Green For 8 Seconds +Would-Be Burglar Killed With Sword +Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines +Week 1 Of NFL Season Proves Tackling Still Preferred Method Of Bringing Down Ball Carrier +Law & Order: SVU +Ex-Football Star Running For Congress +The Troubled Future Of Reality Shows +Death Of 12 Schoolchildren Makes Perfect Sense +U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987 +Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House +Superstitious John Lackey Has To Build, Destroy A Luxury Hotel Before Every Start +Amish Woman Knew She Had Quilt Sale The Moment She Laid Eyes On Chicago Couple +Music Companies Suing 'Ellen' +The Real Squirrels Of Orange County +Dogs As Smart As 2-Year-Olds +Web Gem Disappointing +None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On +Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore +East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State +Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn +Friends +Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl +University Of Illinois Researchers Find Link Between Attending University Of Illinois, Receiving Solid Education At Great Price +Die Young, Live Fast +Liechtenstein, Andorra Forced To Fight By Larger Countries +A Smoove Evening +Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short +Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2009 +Wikipedia Contributors Mostly Male +Team Jacket-Wearing, Transistor Radio-Listening Fan Sitting By Himself +Chase Utley Takes Seventh-Inning Stretch Too Seriously, Report Teammates +Cable News Tutorial +Man Abuses Child Quietly Out Of Respect For Other Diners +Teens Don't Tweet +Thousands Of Abandoned, Foreclosed Homes Threatened By Florida Hurricane +I Don't Need Drugs To Have A Good Time And Jump Through A Plate-Glass Window Into A Pool 15 Stories Below +Teacher Wishes She Could Inspire One Of The More Popular Students +Xbox 360 Least Reliable +American Experience +Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier +White Sufficiency Movement Asserts Whites Right Up There With Other Races +Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories +Cartel Kills 18 In Rehab +Next Tarantino Movie An Homage To Beloved Tarantino Movies Of Director's Youth +Inexplicably Bad Movie Night +Pack Of Baseball Cards Comes With Doubles Of Jose Fucking Contreras +Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics +Yamaha CEO Pleased With Current Production Of Jet Skis, Alto Saxophones, Snowmobiles, Power Generators, Scooters, Golf Carts +Arizona Wildcats Freshman Point Guard Already Calling School 'Zona' +Gmail Suffers Major Outage +Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under His Wing +How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009? +Mad Men +You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel +Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost +Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium +Mother Of 18 Pregnant +Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice +2009's Most Popular Classes +Bernanke Had ID Stolen +Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago +Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning +Ask A College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment +Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology +New College Freshman Refers To Dorm By Actual Name +RNC's Health Scare Tactics +Bombastic Team Introduction Scares Timid Charlotte Bobcats Back Into Locker Room +House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents +World News +World Series Sub-Subplot Involves Yogi Berra Driving Through Philadelphia In 1953 +Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover +McDonald's Abandons Iceland +Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears +Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneers' Defense +World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall +I Got Some Sweet New Digs +Latvian Meteor Strike A Hoax +Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought +Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response +Can There Be Any Doubt That We Are In The End Times? 40th Anniversary Special +States Struggle To Fill Budget Gaps +Timeless Masterpiece Liked +Laptops Contributed To Pilot Error +U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan +In This Economy, It Would Be Crazy To Run Out And Expose Yourself To Your Son's Soccer Team +WNBA Franchise Moving To Tulsa Sounds About Right +Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend +Morrissey Stable After Onstage Collapse +It's A False Idol, Charlie Brown! +Senate Passes Blame By Vote Of 91-8 +T. Rex Ancestor Was Human-Sized +Sound Strategy Booed +Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla +Travel Channel Blows Its 'Bed And Breakfasts Of New England' Wad +The National Parks: America's Best Idea +Knowshon Moreno Asks Broncos If There's Anything Else To Drink Besides Gatorade +Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm +Joba Chamberlain Gets Permission To Stay Up For Whole Yankees-Angels Game +People Doing Things Poorly +Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised +Tennessee Titans Fans Looking Forward To Bye Week +A Little Birdie Told Me You Had A Miscarriage +Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In +No Rise In Social Security +Biggest Errors In MLB Postseason History +A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason +October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month +Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier +Late Show With David Letterman +Math Skills Show Little Growth +Nation's Morons March On Washington State +People Are Always Coming To Me With My Problems +Redskins Hold Press Conference To Announce They Are Still Sort Of A Football Team +Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook +NFL Players Wear Pink For Breast Cancer +I'd Buy That For A Dollar! +Angels Forget They're Playing Season For Nick Adenhart +Mayan Calendar Warns Of Cataclysmic Roland Emmerich Film On Nov. 13 +Priest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites +Water Found On The Moon +Situation Bath With Wolf Blitzer +As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court +Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree +MonsterQuest +Teammates Fully Support Jonathan Papelbon's Claim That Playoff Loss Was His Fault +Tall Young Girl Told She Should Play Basketball +Consumers Blast Pepsi iPhone App +Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film +Not Knowing How To Celebrate, A-Rod Breaks Champagne Bottle Over Teammates' Heads +Aw, Who Am I Kidding? I'm No Match For Stains +Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen +Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime +Republican Site Crashes +Raiders Achieve First Down +Poland Spring Theatre +Jon And Kate's Messy Public Divorce +Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man +Hijacker Arrested After More Than 40 Years +Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date +If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So +Defensive Tackle Remi Ayodele To Write Children's Book Titled 'Tubbo Makes A Touchdown' +Thing That Was Popular Before Brought Back In Hopes Of It Still Being Popular +French Official Won't Resign Over Pederasty Allegations +Carla Starla +Study: Majority Of 'Calm Downs' Ineffective +Milwaukee Bucks Find Perfectly Good Shaq At Play It Again Sports +Sotomayor Misses Supreme Court Case After Failing To Get Out Of Jury Duty +Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize +Grey's Anatomy +Miguel Cabrera Hits Dismal .194 In Fight With Wife +Community Gives Up Following Tragedy +Wheel Of Fortune +Quaker Oats Canister Relabeled 'DRUGS' For Grade School Play +Parents Against Swine Flu Vaccine +God Introduces New Bird +Flyers Defeat Devils In What Everyone Involved Believes To Be Preseason Game +Adorable Rockies Attempting To Win World Series +My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad +Man Defends Home State's License Plate Design +Hummer Drivers Get Most Tickets +MLB Playoff Predictions +ESPN Completely Misses Brett Favre Vs. Green Bay Packers Storyline +Comedy Central Presents Nick Swardson's Last Hope +Bank Of America CEO Resigns +Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season +Favorite Stick Brought Inside +Autism More Common Than Thought +Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed +Looks Like We Got Ourselves A Regular Nobel Prize-Winning Physicist Douglas Osheroff On Our Hands +Promise Of Hot Meal, Free Uniform All Juwan Howard Needed To Sign With Blazers +'Entertainment Weekly' Critic Lets Director Redo 'Sorority Row' For Better Grade +T. Rex Skeleton Put Up For Auction At Casino +How It's Broken +Secretary Of The Ulterior Clearly Vying For Better Cabinet Position +Detroit Facing Corpse Surplus +Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings +Corn and Popcorn +Sullen Ryan Zimmerman Draws 'X' Next To Team's Name In Standings +Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat +Reds Cut Magic Number To 17 +Nevada Has Highest Percentage Of Uninsured Children +Town Proud Of Water Tower +Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up +Lions Victory Celebration Ultimately Plunges Fans Into Deeper Depression +Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports +There's Nothing More Exhausting Than A Long Day Of Placing Vaginal Transmitters In Moose +New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads +Michael Vick Fails To Inspire Team With 'Great' Dogfighting Story +Parking Garage Surveillance Camera +Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming +Placekicker Using Practice To Work On Placekicking +Cameron Distributing Darwin +Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It +Congressional Soup +Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot +Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again +Prima Donna Surgeon Storms Out Of Half-Full Operating Theater +Drug Found To Boost Female Libido +Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now +Everyone In Huddle Afraid To Tell Aaron Rodgers About Turf Stuck In Teeth +The Money We Waste On NASA's Space Program Would Be Better Spent On Space Programs For The Poor +Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station +Thanksgiving Today +Pittsburgh School District Leads Nation In Ability To Spell 'Roethlisberger' +Biden Pardons Single Yam In Vice Presidential Thanksgiving Ritual +90210 +'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' Breaking Sales Records +Nation To Be Sterilized From 1 P.M. To 4 P.M. This Friday +'Old Dogs' Opens Today +Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count +Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis +Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode +Boarding School Student Receives Wet William +Oprah To End Her Talk Show +Department Of Needing Transportation: 'Anyone Heading To Tucson This Weekend?' +Red Bull Playhouse +Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good +'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs +Costco Nixes Coke Sales +New 'Noveller' Allows People To Post Novels They Write During Course Of Their Day +Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot +Nation's Music Snobs Protest Predictable Use Of Metallica, Pantera To Torture Prisoners +Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker +LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan +Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures +Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store +Eagles Settle For Field Goal After 260-Yard Drive +Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan +This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet +Federal Government Wants Subway Safety Oversight +Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime +Middle East Small Talks To Focus On Getting Israel, Palestine To Discuss Weather +Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits +Kathy Griffin: Same Old Shit +Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan +December Named National Awareness Month +Who Swoons Over 'New Moon'? +Mickey Mouse Noticeably Avoids A-Rod During Trip To Disney World +Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing +Monsters Inside Me +Fed Bans Debit Overdraft Fees +It's Me Or The Dog +Kansas City Fails To Pick Up Option On Royals +Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director's Driveway +ABC Cancels 'Hank' +Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup +Food vs. Man +Memphis Grizzlies Continue To Insist They Have 5 Players Better Than Allen Iverson +Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be +Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN +Saints Completely Satisfied With 8-0 Start +Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father +Report: Yankees Trademarked 'Yankees Suck' Chant In 1996 +American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole' +I'm So Blessed To Be Surrounded By People I Can Extort Money From +H.R. 2651 Fans Storm Senate Floor After Passage Of Bill +Obama Visiting Asia +U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs +Ahmad Bradshaw Still Had Pretty Good Weekend Despite Loss To Chargers +BREAKING: U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs +Nicolas Cage Broke +Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place +Pabst Up For Sale +Afghan Presidential Election A Celebration Of All Forms Of Government +Excuse Me, But I'll Be Handling The Gentleman's Discourse For The Rest Of The Evening +Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call +Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living +Cash For Clunkers Resulted In Trucks For Trucks +Let's Make A Baby +Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense +Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented +Berlin Wall Came Down 20 Years Ago +Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War +Elder Whisperer +Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland +College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School +95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series +Just Area Man's Luck +Ohio Legalized Casinos +Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker +Hannah Montana +Brett Favre Avenges Storied 16-Year Career With Packers +Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant +1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time +Early-Season NBA Power Rankings +AT&T Claims Verizon Lied About Coverage +New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse +The Pizza Hut Legal Drama +Defense Bill Features Less Waste +Barack Obama Names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer +First Female Tower Of London Guard Bullied +Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly +If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me? +SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade' +Cherokee Nation Makes Headlines As Fraction Of Actress's Bloodline +Karzai Rival Pulls Out Of Race +Trainwreck Academy +Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning +Rude Guy Unfortunately Says Something Funny +Bill May Have Cost Hillary VP Slot +United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood +Elvira's Halloween Spooktacular +Average American Consumes 34 Gigabytes Daily +Antipsychotics Can Make Kids Fat +Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite +African-Americans Go From Being No Good At Sports To Being Only Good At Sports +Early Humans Finally Drunk Enough To Invent Dancing +Henry Ford Modernizes Production +Woman Domesticated +Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks +Obsessive Freak Abner Doubleday Forces Locals To Play Nonsensical Game +Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World +Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka +Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer +New 'War' Enables Mankind To Resolve Disagreements +Magna Carta Issued +Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague +The Ones We Lost +Roman Populace Constantly Argues Whether Chariot-Racing Is Actually A Sport +Forgotten Sports +Neanderthal Man Flocking To Caves +Industrial Revolution Provides Millions Of Out-Of-Work Children With Jobs +Fire, Setting Everything In Sight On Fire Discovered +Deaths Of 550,000 Confirm Which Mushrooms Are Okay To Eat +Four Or Five Guys Pretty Much Carry Whole Renaissance +Either Ming Or Yuan Dynasty Seizes Control Of Mainland China +Sports Becomes Increasingly Boring As Death No Longer Punishment For Losing +Thomas Edison Invents Marketing Other People's Ideas +Browns Caught Trying To Sneak Girl Into Huddle +Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke +Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason +Nick's All-Star Scrooge Deluge +Holiday Music Aficionado Urges Friends To Check Out 'Frosty The Snowman' +College Football Highlights 2009 +Ohio Uses New Execution Method +New Harlem Globetrotter Rudy 'Rude Dude' Williams Not Working Out +What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It? +New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings +Weezer Cancels Concerts +Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters +Home For The High Holidays +NFL To Fine Players For Getting Concussions +Revisiting White House Security Protocols +Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner +'The Blind Side' An Unexpected Hit +U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11 +Let Us Identify The Faggots And Then Inform Them Of Their Status +Ravens Coach Shows Movie About Michael Oher To Inspire Michael Oher +Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift +New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards +A Cafferty File Christmas +Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Important, Sports Illustrated Reports +Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party +George Stephanopoulos Offered 'Good Morning America' Job +New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths +I Didn't Know I Wasn't Pregnant +Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame +Labor Dept: Available Labor Rate Increases To 10.2% +36-10 Game Analyzed +Meredith Baxter Comes Out +Charlie Weis' Most Notable Notre Dame Moments +Investigators Still Piecing Together Weird-Ass Clues In Fucked-Up Tiger Woods Crash +Promise Me You'll Never Tell Anybody This Unless You Get Uncomfortable And Need Something To Talk About +Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP's Chances With Women At Bars +New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable +Humans Biologically Disposed To Help +Karzai Vows To Crack Down On Self +Cougarton +'Sesame Street' Turns 40 +Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex +Chelsea Clinton Engaged +Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes +My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley +Former Orlando Breakers Coach Michael 'Dauber' Dybinski Adjusts To New GM Duties +Physics Teacher's Car Accident Would've Made Perfect Example For Class +Swiss Vote Down New Minarets +Ghost Of Barbaro Appears To Teach Nation True Meaning Of Barbaro Day +Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses +Atlanta Fans Smile Politely Through Entire NHL All-Star Game +Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He's Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady +Plaxico Burress: 'I Am Taller Than The Patriots' +Roger Federer On Winning Australian Open: 'I'm Not Roger Federer, I'm Novak Djokovic' +CIA On Torture Memo: 'We Need To Stop Writing This Stuff Down' +Jason Kidd Demands Trade To Peanutopolis +Super Bowl Hangovers +Virgin Unveils New Spaceship +We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This Climate Of Fear +State Quarter Program Ending +Professional Sports Is Very Interesting +Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy +Jakob Dylan Still Not Convinced Father A Better Songwriter +Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall +State Of The Union Address +Stoners Announce Plans To Get Stoned For That +Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way +Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self +Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot +TV Critics Admit To Never Having Watched The Wire +Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing +Yahoo! Cutting Jobs +Giants: 'We Almost Beat The Patriots Once, We Can Almost Beat Them Again' +Tom Petty To Play Some New Stuff He's Been Working On At Super Bowl +Fan Of Other Team Booed +NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl +Brett Favre Still Taking Post-Game Shower +Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid +Super Bowl Special Events +Nation's Grandfathers To Receive Annual Shipment Of $2 Bills From U.S. Treasury +Troy Aikman Defends Disemboweling Joe Buck, Huddling Inside Corpse For Warmth +Office Manager Very Pleased With New Work Refrigerator Policy +Back In My Day, Being An American Gladiator Actually Meant Something +Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President' +Stone To Direct Bush Biopic +Facebook's Popular Applications +I've Got A Lot Of Love To Barter +New Hobby Sucks +Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances +Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web Site +Crush On Williams-Sonoma Employee Costing Man A Fortune +U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List +3.2 Million Unemployed Americans Apply For Opening At Ohio-Area Bob Evans +Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book +American Idol Ratings Down +Kraft Introduces New Kraft Doubles For Couples +Rock Song Takes Pro-Rock Stance +Olympic Runners Feeling Stupid For Cutting Off Legs Before Finding Out About Prosthetic Ban +Vegas Gives Patriots 1,000-Point Spread Over Chargers +Canucks-Blues Game Goes Into Extra-Puck-Time Or Something +Worst-Ever NFL Playoff Chokes +Brett Favre Promises To Throw Ball As Far As He Can In NFC Championship Game +Jessica Simpson Completes Elaborate Plan To Destroy Cowboys' Season +Obama And Clinton Call Truce +Manning To Take Some Time Before Deciding Dungy's Future +New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night +Failure Now An Option +Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year +First Indian-American Governor Elected +On The Campaign Trail With Dennis Kucinich +I Strongly Disagree With Connellsville High School's Choice For The John Philip Sousa Award +Women Are Way Out Of My League +Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could +Carl's Jr. Founder Dead +Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers +Senate Meets At Coffee Shop To Brainstorm Legislation +Son's Black Market Value Checked Online +Half Of 26-Year-Old's Memories Nintendo-Related +Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link +Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship +Syria Attends Mideast Peace Talks For Free Continental Breakfast +Clemens Files Defamation Lawsuit Against Steroids +DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill +The New American Gladiators +National Champion LSU Retires At The Top Of Its Game +Troy Aikman Promises Fair, Unbiased Commentary On Cowboys' Run To Super Bowl Championship +Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties +Struggling Arena Football League To Hold Game Outdoors +Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers +I'm Just A Simple Country Refrigerator Repair Technician +I Got What America Needs Right Here +Sports Through With Helping New Orleans Recover +Word 'Immunity' Used Outside Of Reality Show For First Time In Five Years +McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary +Drinkable Water For America's Cities +Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now +Mayor Says To Lose Weight +Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports +Anti-Cancer Machine Invented? +Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year +Gratitude For Thank-You Note Plunges Friends Into Inescapable Appreciation Spiral +Clinton Holds Economic Roundtable +Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies +Study: Snapping Three Times Leading Way To Recall Movies, Actors +Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again +Mark Cuban To New Maverick Jason Kidd: 'I'm Open' +Canseco: 'Hey Guys, Who Wants To Come To My Big Steroid Party This Weekend?' +Bradley Center Moves Milwaukee Bucks Game To Basement +Nation's Women Thank Sports Illustrated For Helping Them Make Well-Informed Swimsuit Choices +Big Game Coming Up +NFL Combine 2008 +Camel Cash Inherited From Grandpa +Manny Ramirez Plays With Bush Family Dogs During Red Sox's Entire White House Visit +Strange, It's Almost As If This Were Some Sort Of 'China Town' +Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow +Protestants Becoming Minorities +Universal Options Hasbro +Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking +You Know What's Stupid? Everything I Don't Understand +Man Who Should Be President Has Asymmetrical Eyebrows +Pakistan Bans YouTube +Area Man To Try Showering At Night +Tennessee Helpless Against New Basement Tornadoes +Sharper Image's Dull Financial Prospects +E-Mail From Aunt Accidentally Opened +Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs +Teamsters Endorse Obama +Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle +Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At +NBA Committee To Investigate Allegations Of Traveling During All-Star Game +Cupcake Used In NBA Slam-Dunk Contest Inducted Into Cupcake Hall Of Fame +Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations +Greatest Moments In Slam-Dunk Contest History +Ernie Els Missing After Entering Woods To Find Golf Ball +Pitchers Secretly Meet To Rehearse Skit Making Fun Of Catchers +Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media +NHL Offers Will Ferrell $350 To Do Movie About Hockey +Comedy Tonight! +Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend +Bush's Surveillance Act +I Say Live Life To The Fullest In Terms Of Yearly Income Set Against Monthly Expenditures +Hi-Def Format War Over +CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay +Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan +Area Dad Will Only Watch Things In HD +Children, Children's Children: 'Stop Worrying About Us' +Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your Ass Over Here' +Romney Endorses McCain +Area Man Honored To Be One Who Added Death Date To Heath Ledger's Wikipedia Page +Study: Use Of Phrase 'Don't Skimp On The' Linked To Heart Disease +Australia Apologizes To Aborigines +Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain +Marc Stein Takes Ultimate Risk In Moving Lakers From Fourth To Third In NBA Power Rankings +Debbie Clemens Forced To Explain Lifetime 0.00 ERA +Phil Jackson Yells At Pau Gasol's Ch'i +Timberwolves Beat Writer Running Out Of Ways To Say 'Defeated By' +PGA Holds Quick Tournament With Tiger Woods Out Of Town +NASCAR Goes Upscale +Shaq Terrified Of Phoenix Suns After Reading About Supernovas +Florida Evicts Bridge-Dwelling Sex Offenders +U.S. Navy Creates Cool New 'Ping' Sound +Employees On Other End Of Conference Call Just Want It To Be Over +Conservative Pundits Against McCain +Do We Really Want Another Black President After The Events Of Deep Impact? +Chavez Threatens To Cut United States Off +Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag +In A Few Years, We'll All Laugh About This Shitty New Health Insurance Plan +Clinton Campaign Manager Out +Conference Call Going Awesome +3'-By-4' Plot Of Green Space Rejuvenates Neighborhood +U.S. Stores Accepting Euros +Next Generation To Take A Pass On Aerosmith +Local Girlfriend Always Wants To Do Stuff +Female Voter-Age Gap Between Obama, Clinton +Landlord Not Convinced Heat Isn't Working +GM Introduces New 2008 Line Of Layoffs +Ask The Stage Directions To Tennessee Williams' Cat On A Hot Tin Roof +Patriots' Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation +Patriots: 'Better A Diamond With A Flaw Than A Pebble Without' +NBA, NHL Seasons Begin +Bill Belichick: 'We Didn't Win In That Last Second, Did We?' +LeBron James Celebrates Basket History Month +Three-Parent Embryo Developed +Cooper Manning Wins Super Bowl Of Energy Stocks Trading +Puppy Bowl Highlights +Lego Turns 50 +This Time To Be Different +United Charges For Second Bag +Seriously, Cleveland, How Are You? +World Leaders Gather To Roast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad +Cut Cables Slow Indian Internet +Bush To Meet With Agriculture Secretary Down In The Holler +Dept. Of Homeland Security: 'Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?' +Milla Jovovich Inducted Into Basic Cable Hall of Fame +Spy Satellite Going To Crash +Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak +Starbucks Closing Stores +Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale +Control Of Anecdote Wrested From Boyfriend +McCain Highlights Foreign Policy Differences +Ted Danson Totally Nails Tonight Show Interview +Report: Nation's Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization +Guy Who Says 'Previously On Heroes' Wishes He Was Guy Who Says 'Previously On Lost' +90210 Being Remade +Fearmongers, Warmongers Gather For Annual Mongering Conference +Dancer Risks Everything +Nation Trying To Remember What Team That One Guy Played For +Marine Determined To Win Heart, Mind Of At Least One Iraqi +Mike Mussina Convinced He's Won A World Series +Barry Bonds' Job Prospects +Pat Riley's Sexual Bribes Tempt David Stern To Allow Heat Into Playoffs +Mathematics To Retire Favre's Number +Royals Told Not To Get Uniforms Dirty +Toronto Columnist Writes Annual 'Blue Jays Have A Chance' Article +25% Of Teen Girls Infected With STD +Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero +Clinton's Schedule Released +I'm Starting This Foundation So Inner-City Youths Will Have The Pole-Vaulting Opportunities I Never Had +Time Traveler: Everyone In The Future Eats Dippin' Dots +Area 5-Year-Old Telling, Area 5-Year-Old Telling +These Tropical-Colored Braces Are Going To Get You So Much Ass +Meat Factory Explodes +Guy From Sopranos Drops By Local Pizza Parlor For Free Slice +Study: 93% Of People Talked About Once They Leave Room +Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target? +Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box +JPMorgan Chase Acquires Bear Stearns In Tedious-To-Read News Article +Clinton Wants New Primary +Roommate Won't Shut Up About His Best Sound Mixing Oscar +Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet +Something Called 'The Colorado Crush' Wins +Carmelo Anthony Considers Himself The Nuggets' Dipping Sauce +Couple Unable To Conceive Of Child +History Of The Bench-Clearing Brawl +Yankees To Build Stadiums In Every MLB City For Away Games +Bracketiatrist Mistaken For Bracketologist +Report: Cheap Chinese NBA Players Falling Apart After A Couple Seasons +Choking Game Deadly +NIT Still Has 10 Open Slots If Anyone Wants To Play +I Got A Rat Problem, And I Don't Mean The Band +Flaws In FBI Watchlist +McCain's Running Mate +Black Guy Asks Nation For Change +Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites +I Love My Country–Aw, Who Am I Kidding? My Country Can Go Fuck Itself +Burger King's Royal Taster Found Dead +China Cracking Down On Tibet +Florida Democrats Mail It In +Area Man Can Tell Commercial Will Be For Corona +Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence +Novelists Strike Fails To Affect Nation Whatsoever +Some Old Man Still Churning Out Marmaduke +New York Governor Resigns +Frito-Lay Family Of Products Leaned On During Difficult Time +Packers Tell Fans They Gave Favre To A Nice Farm Family +Carl Edwards Does Mournful 'Did Not Finish' Backflip +The Fed's Bank Bailout +Wooo, UNC And Duke Played Each Other Last Weekend, Oooh Oooh Oooh +Stuart Scott Tells Friends To 'Watch This' Before Trying To Get Into Charles Barkley's Party +Mark Prior Just Needs To Stop By Hospital For A Sec To Get Some T.J. Surgery +Favre's Greatest Moments +Houston Rockets Catch Tracy McGrady Masturbating To Tape Of His 41-Point Performance +U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar +Snyder's Of Hanover Has Always Been In Pretzels For The Long Haul +eBay CEO Resigns +Sedatives In New York Drinking Water +Ask A 1920s Baseball Fan +Actor Matthew McConaughey Agrees To Star In Whatever +DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers +87 Killed In Violent Kerfuffle +Lawyer Sues Casinos Over Gambling Addiction +MPAA Backs Off College Students +Man In Suit Slams Fist On Desk +Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt +Teacher's Sense Of Humor Comes Through In Multiple-Choice Tests +Relationship Tragically Enters Going-To-Bathroom-With-Door-Open Stage +Report: 6 Out Of 10 Americans Cannot Locate Payless Shoes On A Mall Map +Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations +Rasheed Wallace Has Greatest Dream Where He Uses Headband As Basketball Slingshot And Scores A Million Points +Steve Nash Sarcastically Asks Shaq To Slow Down +Beijing's Looming Olympic Crisis +Rob Neyer Invents Statistic To Measure Own Disenchantment With Baseball +Kevin Garnett Proves He Can Touch Rim +Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies +Men And Women Of Armed Forces Thank Local Woman For Song Dedication +Tim Duncan Sends Belated 'Great Game' Card To Celtics For February Defeat +Athlete Praised For Being Competitive +Mukasey Visits Guantanamo +Act Now To Take Advantage Of My Lowered Standards +Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea +Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time's Sake +Guy You Don't Want To See Will Meet You There +Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? +Whale Expert Measures Everything In Elephants +Biofuels Worse For The Environment +Ad Campaign Appeals To Young, Hip, Influenced-By-Ad-Campaigns Demographic +Nation's Presidential Assassins Still Undecided +Highest Jailed Rate Ever +Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions +Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores +I Won't Ever Let The Position Of County Surveyor Go To My Head +I Couldn't Help But Notice Your Product Hasn't Been Endorsed By Anyone Yet +Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet +Dean: One Candidate Must Quit +Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey +Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales +Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified +Man Use Big Word +Diet Could Affect Gender +Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant +Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet +Snow Moves To CNN +Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere +NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June +Young, Professional People French-Kissing +Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast +Gilbert Arenas Claims He Can Play Despite Sore Ankle Part Of Arm +Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte' +George Steinbrenner Tells Sons To Mellow Out +Isiah Thomas: 'My Time With The Knicks Was Actually A Large-Scale Psychological Study Of New York Residents' +Female Firsts In Sports +Excited Dallas Stars Hear Dallas Morning News Reporter May Be At Next Game +Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets +Mel Kiper Wakes In Middle Of Night Thinking He Missed NFL Draft +Campus Security Measures Increased +Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed! +Sims Sales Top 100 Million +Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth +Rubber Band Needed +Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army? +Pope Delivers Yankee Mass +Botanists Vow Not To Discuss Botany During After-Work Drinks +Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5 +New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life +Poll: McCain Getting Even +Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building +Plastics May Emit Toxins +Nation Agrees Not To Talk About Politics +Chuck Berry Remembers Call From Cousin About White Kid Playing 'Johnny B. Goode' +Samantha Who? +Chinese Class Clown Executed +FCC Fines Electronics Retailers +Pau Gasol, Tony Parker Share Special Moment During Pick +Jim Leyland To Tigers: 'Do I Have To Get Naked And Yell Some Sense Into You?' +Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium For Good Luck +Tiger Woods Irritated He Bought Additional Coat Hanger +Player's Career Arc Exactly Mirrors Second Verse Of Steve Miller's 'Rock 'N Me' +Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit +Legendary Trainer Accidentally Grooms Young Boxer To Be Racing Horse +Area Man Honored To Have Name In Hat +Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks +That Professor Lasky From Saved By The Bell: The College Years Was A Real Jerk +Shark! +Florida Legalizes Taking Guns To Work +Oprah Launches Own Reality +One in Five Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs +Mass E-Mail Only Has Four Recipients +Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple +Gay Guy's Gay Thing Well Attended +Southwest Airlines Now Taking Passengers To Destinations By Shuttle Bus +Grandfathers Accidentally Switched At Hospital +Sabra Hummus: Cedar's Hummus Lacks Experience Necessary To Become America's No. 1 Hummus +Beer Production Threatened By Climate Change +Area Man Makes It Through Day +100 Most Preposterous TV Moments +Congress Wondering What Happened With That Whole Roger Clemens Thing +San Francisco Giants Band Together To Score Run +Committee Of College Basketball Nets: 'Please Stop Cutting Us' +Homeland Security Waives Environmental Law +Jason Giambi Day-To-Day With Sore Groin, If You Know What He Means +Goalie Clearly Living In Net +Olympic Torch Relay Difficulties +Tim Duncan Offers To Do Taxes For Entire Spurs Team +Judge Awards Heather Mills Writing Credit On 'Eleanor Rigby' +Iraq War Memorial Planners Forced To Revise Length Again +Clintons Made $109 Million +If It's Any Consolation, I Am Going To Shoot Myself After I Kill All Of You +Businessman Takes Power Bath +Group Blasts Pork-Barrel Spending +I Can't Imagine Why Anybody Would Want To Stop Crying +Report: 84% Of Americans Currently Contestants +Charlton Heston Dies +Olympic Torch Used To Ignite Tibetan Protesters +Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales +Mead Releases New Grad-School-Ruled Notebook +BP Opens Multi-Floor, 1,000-Pump Flagship Gas Station In Times Square +New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt +Bernanke Says Recession Possible +Comedian Jim Breuer At College Party For Some Reason +Computer Being Stupid +Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver +Jose Canseco Composes Opera About Steroids +Memphis Players Have Long, Complicated Explanation Of How They Are This Year's 'Rumpelstiltzkin' Story +Knicks Fast Break Takes Two-And-A-Half Minutes +Dwight Howard Teaches Children At Library To Shoot Books Into Garbage Can +Friends Tell El Duque He Shouldn't Have To Change Windup For Mets To Like Him +MLB To Have Four More Opening Days This Season +Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working +Smoove Is Waiting +Crowd-Related Disasters +Wacky Morning Zoo Crew DJ Threatened By Younger, Wackier Morning Zoo Crew DJ +Farmers Planting Less Corn +Blood...Blood Everywhere +Celebrity Drug Busts +Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues +Al-Qaeda Recruiting Western-Looking Operatives +Restaurant Patrons Entranced By Sizzling Order Of Fajitas +Barr May Take Republican Votes +Poke With Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death +Closing Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn +Parking-Lot Surveillance Cam +Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects +Big Brown Continues Three-Year Media Silence +Advances In Sports Medicine +God Wastes Miracle On Running Catch In Outfield +Bulls Blow NBA Draft Lottery Win On More NBA Draft Lottery Tickets +Germans Making 'Green' Bombs +Nintendo Releases 'Phil Mickelson's Wacky Left-Handed Golf Tour' +ESPN The Magazine Editor: 'Look At All The Pretty Pictures' +8-Year-Old Little Leaguer, 31-Year-Old Professional Given Same Hitting Advice +Desperate Chives Marketing Board Launches 'Big Bowl O' Chives In The Mornin'' Campaign +Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents +Poconos? I Hardly Know Her! +American To Charge For First Checked Bag +Obama Practices Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose +We've Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up +Stolen Tour Bus Leads Police On Chase Of Historic Downtown Philadelphia +Playboy's Soft Quarter +Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists +That Guy From That One Show Attempting Comeback +Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships +Area Man Has Great Idea For Slam Dunk +Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp +Americans May Send Cell Phones To Cuba +Nation's Poorest 1% Now Controls Two-Thirds Of U.S. Soda Can Wealth +Centaur Of Attention +Handicapping The 2008 Belmont Stakes +Derek Lowe Asks Coach If He Could Dip Out Around Fourth Inning +NBA Announcer Would Hate To See It Come Down To That +'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket +Pacman Jones: 'Who Do I Have To Kill To Get Reinstated Into The NFL?' +Self-Deprecating WNBA Commercial Backfires +Kennedy Has Brain Cancer +George Steinbrenner Dies While Telling Sons Secret To Running Yankees +Nike Signs Big Brown To $90 Million Horseshoe Contract +Must…Stay…Awake… +Obama, Clinton, McCain Join Forces To Form Nightmare Ticket +Nation Suspects Leads In Local High School Play May Be Dating +Senator Byrd Endorses Obama +Celebrity Congressional Testimony +If You're Like Me, Then You Love '80s Music And Haven't Spoken To Your Brother In 10 Years +'Indy' Not So Hot +New Madonna Album Hailed As Available For Purchase +Edwards Endorses Obama +New Hefty Ad Campaign Targets Body-Disposing Demographic +Desperate Hillary To Obama: 'Next Vote Wins' +That Show Your Ex Used To Like +New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn't Keep You Up +Tomato Genetically Modified To Be More Expensive +San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge +Vatican Okays Space Aliens +That's What Host Of 'Showtime At The Apollo' Talking About +Piggly Wiggly Scouting Report Indicates J.J. Hardy Enjoys Rib-Eye Steaks +Snickering Peter Gammons Persuades John Kruk To Say Orioles Are The Best Team In Baseball On Air +Recently Greenlit Sports Movies +Stackley Cup Playoffs Underway +Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night' +Baseball Fan Discovers Awesome Baseball-Themed Website Called MLB.com +Nevada Boxing Commission Denies Involvement In Fighting Ring +Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants +A-Rod To Reporter After Interview: 'How Was That?' +Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders +Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together +"Law & Order" Actor Arrested +Food Shortage Nearing Crisis +I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett +I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives +Jenna Bush Married +One Life To Live +Evening News +Bodies: The Sitcom +Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse +Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal +Optimism Can't Beat Cancer +Undercover Fireman Infiltrates Three-Alarm Blaze +Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box +Earliest American Scat Found +Local Bar Comes Out As Gay +Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda +New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts +Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four +Peanut Allergies May Be Cured +Report: Olympics Mathematically Likely To Happen This Year +MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves +The Debut Of The UNFL +Baseball Swing So Bad It Makes Joe Morgan Vomit +High School Team Denies Winning For Dead Teammate +I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online +This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty +Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth +Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged +Obama's Minister's Outrageous Comments +Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States +Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot +Watching TV Shows On DVD The Way To Do It, Area Man Reports +Walters Had Affair With Senator +Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale +New 'Get The Fuck Outta The Road' Program Aims To Increase Pedestrian Safety +LSD Inventor Dead +Son Discovers Dad's Welcome Back, Kotter Spec Script While Cleaning Out Attic +Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza +Anime Bible Stories +Supernanny +Flip Something! +The Great American Blink-A-Thon +Tyler Hansbrough Staying In School To Take This One Awesome Philosophy Class +Padres Game Sunned Out +Michael Waltrip Wins NASCAR's Sixth Cousin Award +Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted +Dying Newspaper Trend Buys Nation's Newspapers Three More Weeks +Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character +Nomar Garciaparra Tells Wife To Meet Him On Disabled List At 8 p.m. +Millions Of Dollars Of Scientific Research Helps Gatorade Create New Peach Flavor +Worst NFL Draft Picks 2008 +Unemployed Face Job Discrimination +George Takei To Wed Partner +Straight Men, Gay Women Have Similar Brains +Ex-Girlfriend Don't Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports +History's Mysteries +Giuliani Spotted Sleeping On New York City Subway +Falling Down Laundry Chute And Breaking Neck Remains America's No. 548,221 Killer +Muslim Woman Demands Obama Apology +Ha-Ha, You Got Braces +Area Man Puts On Some Nice Pants For Once In His Life +Man Who Used Stick To Roll Ball Into Hole In Ground Praised For His Courage +Cuban Refugee Yuniesky Betancourt Prefers Castro To M's Manager John McLaren +A-Rod: 'Pete Rose Sent Me Sexually Inappropriate Text Messages' +Mike Lowell Second In All-Star Voting But Leads In All-Star Superdelegates +Opposition To Anheuser-Busch Sale Grows +Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media +Orlando Hudson Just Striking Out To Crack Up Teammates +Great Father-Son Moments In Sports +I Know It's Crazy, But Some Days I Feel Like Everybody Is Out To Get Me vs. Our Mission Has Been Compromised! Abort! +I'm Training To Ruin A Marathon +New VH1 Show Canceled For Not Being Pathetic Enough +Soaring Oil Prices Alter Vacation Plans +Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do +Obscenity Trial Halted Over Judge's Website +Friends From Home Embarrassing +Tim Russert Dead +Dept. Of Sanitation Asks Public To Separate Perfectly Good Stuff From Garbage +Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart +Obama: Wife Never Said 'Whitey' +Countervention +Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food +Ron Paul Dropping Out +Realtors Blame Housing Market For Slump In Creepy-Mansion Sales +Cricket Located +CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up +Where'd That Bitch Go? +National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions +Former NASCAR Official Suing For Harassment +Big Brown Seen Leaving Belmont Carrying Large Sacks Of Cash +Space Jam Actor Larry Bird Spotted At Game 2 Of NBA Finals +Mariners Fire Whiffing Coach +Bulls GM To Team: 'This Is New Head Coach Vinnie Del Negro; He'll Be Staying With Us For A While' +Chris Osgood Gets To Third Base With Stanley Cup +Remembering Jim McKay +Player To Be Named Later From 1992 Trade Finally Named: 'It Was Lenny Dykstra,' Says Phillies GM +Farmer Wants A Wife +Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts +Man Fishes For Legendary, Elusive Compliment +California Facing Drought +Samsung To Offer iPhone Rival +Which One Of You Shitheads Stopped Buying Our Margarine? +Ask A Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else +TV Viewers Outraged At Timing Of Commercial Break +Texas Governor's Mansion Burned +Clinton Suspends Campaign +Researchers Discover Details Smaller Than Minutiae +Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen +Once-Great Competitive Eater Reduced To Hustling At 10-Cent Wing Nights +Report: Love Letters From U.S. Troops Increasingly Gruesome +Terrible Idea Committed To Paper +Ed McMahon May Lose House +Q&A +Museum Of Television And Radio Acquires Rare 'Caroline In The City' Episode +Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly +Magic Johnson Shares 'Thoughts' On Lakers-Celtics Finals +World Cluster Bomb Ban Excludes U.S. +Furious Ozzie Guillen's Lineup Card Full Of Expletives +Padres Broadcaster Insists Audience Is Watching A Good Game +2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee Highlights +A-Rod Asks Jeter 'Is This Heaven?' While Playing Game Of Catch +Pau Gasol Googles 'Lakers + Celtics + Rivalry' +Now That I've Learned About Foreshadowing, I'm Going To Use It In All Of My Stories +White House Unhappy With Former Press Secretary's Book +Spam Sales On The Rise +Way Too Much Raised For Bronchitis Research +Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality +Who Says You Can't Buy Fun Underwear For Your Buddies? +Bin Laden Sends Belated Threat To Israel For 60th Birthday +Michigan, Florida Get Half Representation +Barbie Suing Bratz +Escaped Caterpillar On Rampage Through City +MTV Movie Awards Snubs Director Jonas Mekas Yet Again +Nova +World's Worst Person Decides To Go Into Marketing +Corruption Indictment For Sen. Stevens +Technical Problems Throughout NASCAR History +McSweeney's Rejects Mike Mussina's Seventh Consecutive Submission +Favre: I've Always Had A Passion For Stopping Things, Then Starting To Do Things Again +Crushed Philadephlia Sports Fans Devastated By Philadelphia Soul's Arena Football League Title +Pick-Up Swim Meet With Inner-City Kids Renews Michael Phelps' Love Of Swimming +Goose Gossage Admitted Into Hall Of Fame After Correctly Answering Three Baseball History Questions +Bears Unveil New-Look-Like-Shit Offense +Why Am I The Only Homeless Man Still Wearing Pickle Barrels? +Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet +Google Launches Wikipedia Competitor +Justice Dept.: Justice Dept. Broke Law +Study: Not Being An Asshole Boss May Boost Employee Morale +My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day +Chinese TV Show Canceled After Drawing Only 180 Million Viewers +Girls=Boys in Math +New Linens-N-Shit Opens +Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly +Billionaires Donate To Anti-Smoking Drive +Sitting Places Of John The Baptist +Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed +WWE Tuesday Night Reflection +Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man Reports +Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since December +Novak Hits Pedestrian With Corvette +Live With Regis And Kelly +Only Remaining Rhyme Rapper Can Think Of Is 'Cliff Clavin' +Braylon Edwards Claims He Kissed A Bunch Of Girls At Voluntary Camp +Mariners Improve To Eight Games Over .300 +Report: Greg Maddux Can Guess Any Pitcher's WHIP Just By Looking At Them +Predictions For Baseball's Second Half +Redskins Acquire Replacement Taylor +U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada +C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger +Tour De France Cyclists Make It Past Dreaded Underwater Stage +You're Never Too Old For Laser Tag vs. Sir, If You're Not Accompanying A Minor I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave +Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant Again +How Come No One Celebrates My Alcoholism Like John Cheever's? +New 'X-Files' Movie Opens +Ebert and Roeper Leaving 'Ebert and Roeper' +Darfur, IA Also In Pretty Bad Shape +Firefighters Turned Away From Exclusive Nightclub Blaze +Pope Decries Materialism +Israel, Palestine Now Fighting Over Cemetery Space +Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457 +'The Dark Knight' Tops Box Office +Man Returns To Place Of Birth To Mate +Disney World Secrets +'Time' Publishes Definitive Obama Puff Piece +Rain Told To Go Away In 1986 Returns +McCain Addresses NAACP +Smiling Strangers +Television Character Nervous About Upcoming Class Reunion +Appealed Strike Call Taken All The Way To Supreme Court +A-Rod Checks Beckett Baseball Card Monthly To See If Rookie Card Went Up +Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime +Hard-Hitting Investigative Report Still Only About Sports +Base Runners Agree Albert Pujols Most Awkward First Baseman To Talk To +Lesser-Known Sports Video Games +Sprinter Sends In Home Video Of Self Beating 100-Meter World Record +A's Pitchers Meet Up At Cool Pitcher Hangout Called 'The Strike Zone' After Game +Shit Yeah, Another Baby +Climate Change's Security Fallout +Sen. Dick Lugar Placed On Congressional Disabled List With Strained Hamstring +Hubble Kaleidoscope Finds Evidence Of Space Looking All Crazy +I Don't Have Time For Noncontroversial Art Exhibits +Bush Lifts Offshore Drilling Ban +Going To Tops Of Things Still Favored By Nation's Tourists +Obama Chastises Bernie Mac +Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In +No One In Group Admits Girls' Night Out A Colossal Failure +Right To Own Guns Upheld +Friend Somehow Bad At Hanging Out +5-Year-Old Wants To Be A Tractor When She Grows Up +Singing, Dancing Man Just Getting Started +Life Expectancy Falls +U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone +All-Star Game Gimmicks +Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up +Girlfriend Wants To Leave Game Now +Jamie Moyer Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey +Mark Cuban Buys Sports +Experts Find Having Fun Not Necessarily A Key To Victory +At-Bat Following Grand Slam Just Kind Of Awkward +Shortstop Tony Peña Jr. Upset He Doesn't Have A Base +We're Investing So Much In Alternative Fuels, Sometimes We Almost Forget To Pump Oil! +Hey Everybody, Let's All Go To The Beach And Complain +Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box +T.G.I. Friday's Executive Chef Recommends Booze-On-Meat-With-Cheese Thing +Fox News Racism: Intentional? +Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma +Who Will Be Obama's Running Mate? +Class Of '88 Reunion Attendees Once Again Trick Sue Thorpe Into Thinking Jeff Urban Likes Her +Talking Through Tragedy Not Necessarily Beneficial +Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected +Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws +Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20% +Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School +Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys +DNC Coverage: Post Mortem +Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger +Mugabe Heckled By Parliament +DNC Coverage: Thank You Denver! +DNC Coverage: August Surprise? +DNC Coverage: ***BREAKING NEWS!!!!**** +DNC Coverage: A New Dawn +DNC Coverage: Change I Can Believe In! +DNC Coverage: Faded Promise +DNC Coverage: Sheep In Wolf's Clothing +DNC Coverage: Stars Of All Different Stripes +Aqua Teen Hunger Force Babies +Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches +DNC Coverage: **EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS!** +DNC Coverage: Unilateral Response +DNC Coverage: Secret Service +Amish Population Boom +Hawaii Wins Little League World Series +Report: Dwyane Wade Left Cell-Phone Charger In China +'Inside The Golf Bag' Best Title Ernie Els Could Think Of For Autobiography +Guy Who Just Beat You To Bus Stop Usain Bolt +Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox +Great Olympic Moments From The Lesser-Known Sports +Michael Phelps' Name To Be Mentioned Six Times Following Olympics +DNC Coverage: Great Expectations +DNC Coverage: A Matter Of Justice +DNC Coverage: An American President +Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3 +DNC Coverage: Cover Up +Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party! +DNC Coverage: Shoulder To Shoulder With Greatness +DNC Coverage: Choice Of A New Generation +Restaurants Struggle To Keep Customers +FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager +Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser +America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race +Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice +DNC Coverage: Media Bias? +DNC Coverage: Denver, Clean Up Your Act! +DNC Coverage: Catching Up +DNC Coverage: Some Dish +DNC Coverage: Here's A Real "Scoop!" +Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once +Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft +DNC Coverage: A Not-So-Conventional Eatery +DNC Coverage: Denver's True Colors +DNC Coverage: Warm Welcome? +U.S. Advises Allies Not To Border Russia +Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports +DNC Coverage: Off To A Bad Start +Obama Picks Biden As VP +Superintendent Draws Up 'Dream School Board' Of All-Time Greats +So You Think You Can Dance? +Aaron Sorkin Announces New 'West Wing' Animated Series At SorCon +Bush Told To Sign Birthday Treaty For Someone Named 'Kyoto' +College Presidents Rethinking Drinking Age +Seven Stories +Bigfoot Corpse A Fraud +Netherlands Taught How To Play Softball Seconds Before Being Shoved Onto Field Against U.S. Team +Jeremy Shockey Offers To Tear Down New Orleans Residents' Homes +Brett Favre On Learning Jets' Intricate Offensive System: 'I Like Football' +Remembering The Original Dream Team +Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World +Neighbor Spotted Judging Women's Gymnastics Events On NBC +Nation Asks Permission To Stop Watching Olympics Now +Family Comes First, Reports Man Trying To Get Out Of Work +Oh, No! Dirt Bikes! +Area Woman Will See Any Movie That Takes Place Between 1743 And 1919 +Chinese Doctoring Public Perception During Olympics +Basketball Rolls To Stop At Cheney's Foot +Darling, There's Something I've Been Hiding From You—I'm Jimmy Buffett +Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium +Powerful 'His And Hers' Towel Lobby Stalls Gay Marriage Legislation +Julia Child A Spy? +Cop Vows To Hunt Down Punk Who Successfully Pressed Brutality Charges Against His Partner +Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe +CDC Powerless To Stop Spread Of Virulent Mayonnaise-Borne Pathogen +U.S. Driving Less +Soderbergh In The Park To Stage Production Of 'Ocean's Twelve' +Shit That'll Make You Puke! +6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling +First Night Of Freedom Spent Alone In Dorm Room +Alumni Furious Over High School's Constant Improvements +Mystery Freshman Dominates Ice Breakers, Disappears Into Night +Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College +Creative Writing Teacher Announces Plan To Sit On Edge Of Desk +Weird Girl You Drunkenly Fooled Around With Waiting Outside Door +Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns +Monster Got Tina +Iowa Boobs-For-Grades Scandal +Affair To Threaten Whatever It Is John Edwards Does For A Living +Double-Jointed Man On Date Breaks It Out Too Early +Old Stars With New Teams +U.S. Charioteer Breaks 2,500-Year-Old Chariot-Race Record Set By Perseus +U.S. Cancels Joint Exercises With Russia +Olympic Closing Ceremonies To Feature Launch Of Chinese Nuclear Arsenal, Invasion Of United States +U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team: 'Win Or Lose, We Will Cry' +Green-Clad Olympic Archer Steals Gold Medals From Rich, Gives Them To Poor +Manny Ramirez Likes Red Sox's New Blue Uniforms +Hurdler Overcomes Many Hurdles To Win Hurdle Race +Violence Must Only Be Used To Make Hundreds Of Millions Of Dollars +Obama's Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening To Derail Campaign +The Evidence Against Ivins +New Weather Channel Sitcom About Three Guys, Three Girls, One Storm System +People With That Brain-Eating Virus Should Really Just Take A Sick Day +McCain Cribs Speech From Wikipedia +Underprotective Father Demands Daughter Arrive Home By 10 A.M. +Apple Pulls $1,000 iPhone App +Kosher Plant Cited For Child Labor +Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine +Entire Refrigerator Rearranged To Accommodate Leftover KFC Bucket +Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life +My Dad, The Cactus +Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine +Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon +Straight Talk Express Hits Van +Ridicule It Yourself +Dinner Theater Play Reworked To Push Chicken Special +Man Gets In Best Shape Of Life To Hang From Bar +Citing Poor Conditions, China Refuses To Send Delegation To Olympics +Greatest-Ever Olympic Moments +Nation To Leave Olympics On In Background +Drunken Carl Lewis Crashes Olympics +Woman Turns Down $50 Million Offer From Professional Steeplechase League To Participate In Olympics +DVDs Of Olympics Somehow Available On Sidewalk Already +Wal-Mart Wants Republican President +Mortgage Relief Bill Provisions +I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding +Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet +Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold' +Everybody On Television Needs To Stop Talking So Loud +Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing' +Bags Filled With Sand Still Most Advanced U.S. Anti-Flood Technology +Hilton's Mom Calls McCain Ad 'A Waste Of Money' +Nation To Try Its Luck Out West +List Of Things Man Wants To Do Before He Dies Just List Of TV Shows +Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf +Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect +Miss An Episode And You're Fucked +Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour +Price Of Gas Rises To Four Expletives Per Gallon +L.A. Bans Fast Food +Hurricane Katrina Returns To New Orleans To Apologize +Historical Archives: Ben Franklin Inventions This Week +John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now +Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss +Debate Aftermath. Who Won? +Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot +U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire +Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It +Report: 60 Million People You'd Never Talk To Voting For Other Guy +Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence +Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does +Tiny Silver Death Machine: Election Coverage 2008 Part Two +Internet Explorer Makes Desperate Overture To Become Default Browser +Tiny Silver Death Machine: Election Coverage 2008 +Bands Don't Ever All Get The Same Haircut Anymore +Department Of The Exterior Opens U.S. National Park In Norway +New Moore Doc Released On Internet +The Debates!! I Want To See Them So Bad!! +New Debate Rules Allow For One 15-Second Strangulation +Bailout Summit! +A Call For Change +I'll Have A Big Slice Of Humble Pie, Please! +Sarah Palin Is Electric! +I Know Exactly How Sarah Palin Feels +Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids +Introducing The Onion's Political Blog Team +Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog' +Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? +Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon +Packers Offensive Line Proves It Can Stop The Run +Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron +Nationals Not Sure How They Got Run +Fan Steals Derek Jeter From Yankee Stadium +Lesser-Known Yankee Stadium Moments +Lions Owner Claims He Fired Matt Millen Three Years Ago +Mets To Play Brewers In One-Game Choke-Off +Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders +Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping +Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet +'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat +Kissinger Instructs Palin On Finer Points Of Clandestine Carpet Bombing +Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less +Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy +Audio Guide Clearly Hates Degas +Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota +Plans For 9/11 Museum Revealed +McCain Campaign Nabs Top Obama Pun Writer +Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance +Cash-Strapped NPR Launches 'A Couple Things Considered' +Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked +EPA Shuts Down Local Ghost-Entrapment Business +Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy +Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party +Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs +Clean Jobs +F.A.L. +Area Man Committed To Being Spicy Food Guy +NFL's Worst-Ever Blown Calls +NFL Fines Pacman Jones For Not Tucking Gun Into Pants +Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses +NASCAR Cancels Remainder Of Season Following David Foster Wallace's Death +Mike Holmgren Wondering If You've Ever Played Wide Receiver +Jewish Voters Push-Polled +Romeo Crennel To Charlie Weis: 'I Need You To Come Over Right Now And Stop Me From Eating These Five Chocolate Wedding Cakes' +Some Guy Wearing Packers Uniform Throws For 328 Yards +What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses? +New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call +Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail +Rumors Swirl Around Palin +My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around +Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street +Palin Unveils 9/11 Firefighter Cousin, Reformed Lesbian Niece, Naturalized Mexican Half Brother +Parody Movie Script One Crotch-Hitting Joke Short Of Being Greenlit +Terrorism Training Videos Yanked From YouTube +Word 'Presumptive' Prepares For Another 4-Year Hibernation +Night Of Watching Game Show Network Leaves Man Concerned About Life Insurance +‘Carpe Diem,’ Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room +Botox May Cure Migraines +Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In +Behind The Scenes Of 'Smash Mouth: Behind The Music' +McCain's Energy Plan Emphasizes Elbow Grease, Sleeve-Rolling-Up +National Endowment For The Arts Funds Construction Of $1.3 Billion Poem +Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties +Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future +Uncomfortable Emptiness +Nation Hit Hard +Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury +Mets Invite Phillies Back To Shea Stadium For A Nightcap +Chinese Womens' Paralympic Team Under Investigation For Having Arms, Legs +Notable Sports Injuries +ESPN Holds ‘SportsCenter’ Of Silence For Tom Brady +Fox NFL Robot Misses Week One Due To Contract Holdout +Tim Duncan Forwards Story About Particle Accelerator To Spurs Teammates +Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke +I Was Under The Impression That Everyone Loved My Headlocks +Voter Registration Efforts +Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go? +Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets +Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama +Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors +Christian Couple Staying Together For Sake Of God +Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders +Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers +Chrysler Names '83 LeBaron CEO +Cows Instinctively Know North +No One On SWAT Team Wants To Wait In Ventilation Duct With Howard +RNC Coverage: Morning In America +RNC Coverage: SOS +RNC Coverage: Red Meat +RNC Coverage: Playing "Ruff" +RNC Coverage: More Of The Same +RNC Coverage: Saluting Our Veterans +Extreme Foreclosure: Home Edition +RNC Coverage: Line In The Sand +RNC Coverage: Lady Liberty +Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain +Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery +Drop It Like It's Hot +Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets +Abortion Not Linked To Depression +Drug Dealer Disappointed Josh Hamilton Didn't Reach Full Potential As Heroin Addict +Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day +Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again +Yankees Sign 16-Year-Old GM Prospect Out Of The Dominican +Onion Sports 2008 College Football Rankings +Area Dad Hopes Son's Interest In Long Jumping Just A Phase +David Ortiz, Jason Bay Yet To Complete Elaborately Choreographed Handshake +RNC Coverage: No Children Left Behind +RNC Coverage: Tradition And Honor +RNC Coverage: Secret Weapon? +RNC Coverage: News Bloodhounds +RNC Coverage: Not Settling On Second Best +I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off! +RNC Coverage: In The Pantheon Of X-Cellence +RNC Coverage: The Long, Hard Slog +RNC Coverage: The Last Man +RNC Coverage: "Saint" Paul! +Protecting Our Banks +New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars +Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive +Flies Have Constant Escape Plan +Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation +RNC Coverage: Judge Not +McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don't Lead To Creepy Smile +RNC Coverage: The Great North Woods +RNC Coverage: Learning To Forgive +Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony +Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain +Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts +Man Pinned Under Blankets For Three Days +McCain Chooses Palin As VP +New 'Reality Television Delusion' Diagnosed +Obama's Record-Breaking Fundraising Effort Bankrupting NPR, World Wildlife Fund, ACLU +At The Movies +Supremes Court Upholds Stopping In The Name Of Love In 2-1 Decision +Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked +Need For More Places To Sit Becomes Election's Most Important Issue +MythReinforcers +Sen. Stevens Found Guilty +Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote +News Of Isiah Thomas Overdose Not As Fulfilling As Knicks Fan Would Have Hoped +Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin To Staff: 'What If Ben Roethlisberger Is Bad?' +Highlights From The First Half Of The NFL Season +Nickel Back Mentoring Dime Back +Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard +Tim Duncan Offers To Drive NBA Players To Polling Place On Election Day +Olympic Rifleman Freelancing On Firing Squad +Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him +Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy +Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy? +Unlicensed Plumber and Tax-Evader Endorses McCain +What In The Heck's A Barack Obama? +As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation +Wachovia's Record Losses +A Vote For My Husband Is A Vote For Me Not Breaking Your Fucking Neck +Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There +'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder +Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate +MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima +Bruce Springsteen Concert Totally Changes Area Man's Mind About Voting +Bob Barr On Two-Party System: "Waaah! Waaah!" +Granite State Blues +Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions +Bill Clinton Starts Own Presidential School +Americans Voting Early +Lieberman's Overlords Most Displeased +I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism +Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type +Charlie Rose +Ron Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most +Swaggering Down 87% +Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned +Paris Hilton's My New BFF +Candidates Annoyed To Have To Take Stance On Zinc Mining +Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series +Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All +Tormented TBS Producer Wonders Why 'Steve Harvey Show' Was First Thing Out Of Mouth During Game 6 Technical Difficulties +The Traditional Championship Game Mayor's Bet +Tampa Bay Rays: "Fuck You, Cubs" +All-Time Rays Great Evan Longoria Throws Out First Pitch Of World Series +Radio Interviewer Audibly Fellating Colt McCoy +Palin Charged Children's Travel To State +McCain Blasts Obama As Out Of Touch In Burma-Shave-Style Billboard Campaign +You Jeanketeers Could Have Said Something Earlier, You Know! +Madonna's Rocky Romances +Dollar Bill On Floor Sends Wall Street Into Frenzy +Zogby Poll: John Zogby Coolest Dude In America +When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself +Obama Advertising In Video Games +Lawyers Charge Too Much +Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda +Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase +Powell Endorses Obama +Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic +Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand +Starr Asks Fans Not To Write +Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports +John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice +All Larry King's Men +Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planes Fly +Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight +Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection +Dirty Sexy Money +Man Dives Haphazardly Into Conversation Like Wounded Osprey +Law Allows Abandoning Teens +Paranoid Kicker Thinks Team Purposely Scored Touchdown So He Couldn't Mess Up Field Goal +Sports And The Faltering Economy +B.J. Upton Always Dreamed Of Winning Game 2 Of ALCS With Shallow Sac Fly +Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey +Nation's Dads Find That Frank Caliendo Guy Pretty Funny +2-3 Miami Dolphins Enjoying Magical Season +T.J. Houshmandzadeh Enjoys Ordering "The Houshmandzadeh" Just To See What Waiter Brings +Mayday! Mayday! McCain Is Going Down! +No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party +Poll: 85% Of Americans Would Like To See Candidates Compete In Funny Obstacle Course +The Imminent Collapse Of Global Markets Is No Reason To Skimp On Four-Season Gutter Protection +October Surprises In History +Bush Calls For Panic +'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet +British Corpses Piling Up +Barack Obama's And Manuela Fonetcilla's Race Problem Or Whatever Her Problem Is +Cool McCain Supporter Wears 'McCain 2000' Shirt To Campaign Speech +And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About +Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report +Bloody 'ell! Voter Registration Deadlines Are Nearly 'ere! +900-Pound Giant Squid Joins Cast Of 'The View' +Scott Bakula Jumps Into McCain's Body Just Before Election +Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span +U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock +The Anti-Obama Attack Campaign Is Developing, And So am I! +The Suspense! It's Killing Me!! +Obama Under Fire For Playing T-Ball During Vietnam +Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics +No Luck In Muscatine +Obama Clinches 'Joe Cabernet Sauvignon' Vote +Our Nation's Prisons Are A Shambles +Congress Can't Remember Last Time It Got Together And Legislated Like This +Historical Archives: John Jameson's Miracle Concoction +Historical Archives: Sing Ho! For the KING of Broil'd MEATS +Historical Archives: Hy-Genic Apportionment Of Remaining Paper +Historical Archives: By Many On-Lookers And Passers-Bye, Seen To Depart Out Mortal Vale In A Boothe +Historical Archives: Two Feared Dead In Near-By Child-Birth +Historical Archives: Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered +Historical Archives: Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft +Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Two Chamber Pot House +Historical Archives: A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon +Historical Archives: A Puzzle For The Mind +Historical Archives: A Jest For You +Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try +Historical Archives: Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides +Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously? +Historical Archives: Last Month's Weather +Historical Archives: Weekley Duel Results +Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run" +Historical Archives: To-day In American History +Historical Archives: A Salt Cake Recipe +Historical Archives: A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home +Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish +Historical Archives: Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? +Historical Archives: Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island +Historical Archives: "Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village +Historical Archives: M. Webster’s New “Dictionary” Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words +Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands +Historical Archives: Owls Deemed Arse-Holes +Historical Archives: 14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting +Historical Archives: Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington +Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want +Historical Archives: Great God, The Stenche +Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright +Historical Archives: Popular Hymns heard sung of late. +Historical Archives: Humor In Shackles +Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle +Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads +Historical Archives: Is It Too Soon To Use The Boston Massacre As A Source Of Humour? +Historical Archives: One May Now Toil From Home +Historical Archives: Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence +Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania +Historical Archives: Ship's Log +Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel +Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying +Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work +Historical Archives: Facial Corsets For Ladies, Finally +Historical Archives: I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer +Historical Archives: Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps +Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Rather Large Buttons +Historical Archives: Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes +Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! +Historical Archives: The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present +Historical Archives: Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen? +I'm Sitting On A Pretty Big Story +We Must Lower Age-Of-Consent Laws +Police: iPhone Left In Hot Car For Three Hours +Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits +Begging Your Pardon, Chaps, No Blog Today +Phish To Reunite +Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost +Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver +Historical Archives: That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds +Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Tri-Cornered Shoes +Historical Archives: Notice To The Publik +Historical Archives: Bald Eagles Evr'y Where +Historical Archives: Wide-Spread Powder Shortage Confounds Nation's Bewigged. +Historical Archives: Amazing Publick Spectacle! +Historical Archives: Masthead +Scandal: McCain Won Miss Congeniality Of U.S. Senate In 2000, 2003 +Looks Like I'm Not The Only One Growing A Pair Of Balls +Has It Biodegraded? +Parents Of Obama Volunteer Couldn't Be More Proud, Sick Of Son +Children Are Our Most Precious Natural Resource (Updated) +I've 'eard Me First Debate, I 'ave! +Man With Food In Beard Saying Something About Climate Change +Historical Archives: Hay Thieves Strike Again +Broncos Offensive Line Hoping Uniforms Make Them Look Fat +Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day +Playoff-Bound Brewers Celebrate By Spraying Mayonnaise In Locker Room +Breast Cancer Launches WNBA Awareness Month +Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy +Baseball's Best Individual Postseason Performances +Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote +God Savoring Vast Array Of Cubs-Cursing Options +Historical Archives: The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches +40,000 Pounds Of Slave Have Been Lost At Sea +Historical Archives: General Washington Hints At A 'Bid' For Presidency in 1789 +Historical Archives: Iroquois Inſurgency Quelled By Gov’t.! +Historical Archives: Mule-Deaths Of Late +Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel +Historical Archives: The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid +'ave A Wonderful Election, America! +People Of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills +Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate +Area Man Pretty Sure It's Not Broken +Looks Like Someone Let The Affair Cat Out Of The Wife Bag +Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates +Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food Options +Connecticopulation +Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone +Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think +New Genetic Links To Baldness Found +Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations +That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games +Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate +Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving +Report: Planes Just As Afraid Of John Madden +Cubs, Absence From World Series Agree To 4-Year Extension +Rookie Running Back Can't Break Habit Of Saying 'Thank You' During Handoffs +NASCAR's Environmentally Friendly Future +Marc Bulger Visits Local Barnes & Noble For Touchdown Ideas +Sports Community Mourns Death Of Old Bald White Man With Glasses +Well, That Sunset Sucked +Auto Industry Crisis +Area Man Shocked To See His Elementary School Has A Website +Ask A Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types +Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes' +Blue Angels Hold First-Ever Open Tryouts +GM Covered With Giant Tarp Until It Has Money To Work On Cars Again +Sword-Wielding Man Shot At Scientology Building +Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into +26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving +Jobless Claims At 16-Year High +God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch +Will Wayne Knight Do It? +Flea Market Vendor Could Possibly Let Unidentifiable Lump Go For $15 +New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything +Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount +Cory In The House +Teenage Katrina Survivor Wins Yet Another Essay Contest +Peja Stojakovic Fondly Recalls First Human Head He Played Basketball With +BCS Picture Made Clearer By Pretending Certain Teams Don't Exist +Biggest NFL Coach Press-Conference Meltdowns +Kerry Collins Credits Current Success To Drinking Even More Before Games +Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished +Cardinals Find Themselves In Wouldn't-Hurt-To-Win-But-Don't-Really-Have-To Situation +Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud +Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck Returns From Injury For Some Reason +I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians +Holiday Blockbuster Season Approaches +If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship +Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm +Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading +Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey +History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants +Missing Beatles Track Confirmed +Co-Op Casino Robbed Again +Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy +Suicide Rate Jumps In White Middle-Aged Population +According To Jim +Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference +Built For Speed +Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision +Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends +Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites +K9 Cops +One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy +Knicks Fans Discover Striking Palms Together Makes Uplifting And Appreciative Noise +Hockey Hall Of Fame Ceremony Held At Steve's Place +Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early +Plaxico Burress Holds Team Meeting To Admit He Was Wide Open +Tony Romo Comes Out Of Bye Week Addicted To Heroin +Lesser-Known Awards In Major League Baseball +Catchphrase From 'The Love Guru' Overheard +Pistons Discover Allen Iverson Does Not Like To Be Thrown From Moving Car +I Meant To Vote, But You Know How It Goes +California Passes Anti-Gay Marriage Legislation +I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock +Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase +Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others +International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising +Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place +Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around +Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout +New Texas Legislation Would Require Whiskey Bottles To Be Shot Out Of Air Immediately After Being Emptied +Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School +Spitzer Not Charged +Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy +Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President! +Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon +Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List +'Jurassic Park' Author Dies +As An Older World's Strongest Man, There Are Certain Trucks I Can't Pull Anymore +Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy? +Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall +Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President +Perkins Management Disappointed To See Daunte Culpepper Leave So Soon +Lee Corso Starting To Feel Weird At College Parties +Cory Matthews, Mr. Feeny Share Joyous Moment Following Phillies World Series Victory +Brooks Bollinger Best Option At Quarterback For NFL Team +Bobby Simmons Under Impression Nets Are Entering The Bobby Simmons Era +The Cowboys Collapse +OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7 +Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress +The Cauldron Of History +McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW +All The Electric Premonition That Rides The Sky Being A Drama Of Human Devising +Hillary Clinton Resumes Attacking Obama +A Message From FBI Agent Lucas Emerson +Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low +Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job +KLEMKE WINS! +Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012 +Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons +Long Lines Anticipated At Polls +Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?' +McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected +Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain +Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq +Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift +Jackson 5 To Reunite +Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner +The Onion's 2008 In Review: Entertainment +What A Year This Was! +Dame Judi Dench Begins Dating Female DJ +America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term +The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Environment +Earth, Prepare To Meet Thy DOOM! +Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres +Emerging Technologies +Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between 'One Man And One Wolfman' +Area Woman Becomes Republican Vice Presidential Candidate +The Onion's 2008 In Review: Politics +Political Goals For 2009 +Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama +Explore Your Year: Timeline 2008 +Housing Crisis Vindicates Guy Who Still Lives With Parents +How Did The Economy Go Bad? +WaMu Files For ChapLev +The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Economy +We're In An Economy-Sized Pickle! +$700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party +A Commercial For Mortgages That Looks Like A News Report +Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth +China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics +As Of This Briefing, We Have Commenced Operation Global Penumbra +Roger Federer Turns Out To Be Awful Tennis Player +Overconfident Big Brown Parties All Night Before Belmont Stakes +2008 In Review: World Affairs +North Korea Releases New Paintings Of Healthy Kim Jong Il +Iran's Nuclear Operation Revealed To Be Cover For Greatest Roller Coaster Ever +Iraq's Little Victories +Brett Favre Just Chucks Reputation Up There +Most Overlooked Sports Stories Of 2008 +Phillies Win World Series, Nation Thinks +Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady's Life +Bush Frustrated By Mother's Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House +Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well +Bettie Page Dead +145-Pound Mom +Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections +Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon +Amsterdam To Shutter Some Coffee Shops, Brothels +Mrs. Dr. +McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter +Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party +Jerry Jones Probably Thinking About Signing Michael Vick +Offense: Visual Evidence Suggests Linebackers Will Blitz +Saving The Lions +Area Child Can't Bring Self To Look Up To Eli Manning +Defense: Watch For The Screen, Watch For The Screen +Illinois Governor Arrested +Report: Everyone Watching Football Game Evidently Needs New Car, Shower, Shave +Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA +At This Point In The Plan, The Mice Will Be Very Surprised +College Too Expensive? +It's Okay, I'm Attractive +Either Someone 14th Caller Or Everything On Fire At Spanish Radio Station +Supreme Court Overturns Bush v. Gore +Tribune Media Files For Bankruptcy +Tennis Ball Brought On Trip +'Bard' Captivates Potter Fans +Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall +Staten Island Historians Piece Together Genealogy Of Wu-Tang Clan +Acorns Missing In Northeast +Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats +Your Fifth-Grade Dance Recital +Shitload Of Math Due Monday +Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems +Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company +Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe +The Show You'd Rather Watch Than 'Meet The Press' +Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks +Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting +NFL Goes On Nationwide Crime Spree As Plaxico Burress Creates Diversion +Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame +Seattle's Disastrous Sports Year Continues With Addition Of Major League Soccer Team +Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens +Athletes And Guns +Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen +Romeo Crennel Upset With Team's Offense And That Nestle Crunch Bars No Longer Come Wrapped In Foil +Carbon Footprint Reduction Services +Twenty Minutes Spent Making Tuna Fish Palatable +Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie? +Long-Standing Conflict Ends As Israel Returns Lawn Mower To Palestine +Recession Actually Started Last Year +U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama +T-Shirt Machine Gun To Change The Face Of Promotional Warfare +Cancer Rate Declines For First Time +I'm Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place +Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware +American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers +Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds +In Order To Save The Whales, We Must Breed With Them +Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder +Student-Loan Interest Cut +Sundance Film Festival +White House Quietly Retracts Entire State Of The Union Address +Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace +Ailing Castro Begins 750,000 Last Words +Tobacco-Addiction Center Found +FEMA Calls Rebuilding Complete As New Orleans Restored To Former Squalor +January 27, 1986 +Noriega Faces Murder Charges +Bush Commits One Additional Troop To Afghanistan +Americans Demand Military Response After Chinese Shoot Down DirecTV Satellite +Israeli President Accused Of Rape +Inner-City Teacher Inspires Students To Stab Him +Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation +NHL Admits Slam-Dunk-Contest Portion Of All-Star Skills Competition A Mistake +Confused Bill Simmons Picks The Departed To Win Super Bowl +Bears Lead Rex Grossman To Super Bowl +Floyd Mayweather Sr. Puts Price On Teaching Someone How To Beat Up Son +Archiving The Unabomber +Bears Inspire A City Still Reeling From Great Chicago Fire Of 1871 +Too Much Expected From Nap +You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride +Cancer Death Rate Dropping +Today's Neo-Nazis Have No Respect For Tradition +Northeast Stunned By Freak January Snowfall +Distracted Priest Pronounces Couple 'Man And Plumbing Problem' +State Of The Union +CIA Director Quietly Buys Nuclear-Attack Insurance +Hillary in '08 +Chanel Develops Durable, Low-Cost Perfume For Third World +First Womb Transplant Planned +Area Mom Disappointed No One Noticed Mastectomy +Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit +Wii, Water, Death +Vigilante Cop Acts As Judge, Jury, Prosecuting Attorney, Bailiff, Stenographer, Executioner +New Archie Graphic Novel Explores Rich Inner Life Of Jughead +So-Called 'Genius' Bill Belichick Stumped By Non-Football-Related Question +MLS Signs David Beckham To 12-Team, $250 Million Deal +Recently Divorced Michael Jordan Announces Plans To Return To Marriage +Cisco Sues Over iPhone +Americans Wondering What They Did To Deserve This Much Joe Buck +Peyton Manning Looking Forward To Ninth Annual Super-Bowl-Watching Party +Botched Hussein-Brother Hanging +Dairy Company Introduces Lots-Of-Pulp Milk +Friends Can't Stand Couple's Public Displays Of Hostility +There's More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts +Area Family's Trip To New Hampshire Sparks Rumors Of Presidential Bid +New Congressional Policies +Somebody Should Make A Movie About My Life +Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé +Area Man Guesses He'll Learn The Difference Between Shiites And Sunnis +California Citrus In Danger +Garage Orchestra Hands Out Demo At Boston Philharmonic Show +Stooges Snubbed Again +Nation's Gays Demand Right To Library Cards +Scientists Create World's Largest Novelty Atom +Cell-Phone TV? +Staff Members Under New Defense Secretary Wondering If They Still Get Summers Off +Bill Parcells: 'I've Always Hated Football' +U.S. Bombs Somalia +Tony Romo Regrets Eating Greasy Fried Chicken During Crucial Field-Goal Attempt +Wine Glasses, Burnt-Down Candles, Strewn Rose Petals Suggest Dolphins Courting Pete Carroll +Teen Accurately Describes Robert Mapplethorpe Exhibit As 'Gay' +Voters Deny Cal Ripken Entrance Into Hall Of Fame: 'He Just Wasn't Very Good' +Larry Brown To Trade Secretary Because She Is Unwilling To Conform To His Style Of Collating +800,000 Privileged Youths Enlist To Fight In Iraq +I'm Prepared To Do Anything To Get That Cupcake +Robbie Knievel Jumps Entire Generation's Awareness +Manson, Von Teese Split +People Living On The Moon +The College I Attend Has Just The Right Number Of Indian Dance Groups +Amazon.com Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband +Letter Of Recommendation Clearly Written Under Duress +Pelosi Vows Iraq Scrutiny +Overeating Like Drug Addiction +Jay Leno Reconsiders Retirement After Georgia Woman Sets Boyfriend's Crotch On Fire +Area Man's Quirky Hobby Kills 27 +Kindergartner Being Groomed For Line-Leader Position +Sharpton, Thurmond: Related? +Seacrest vs. Cowell +I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In The Middle Ages +Forensic Evidence Shows Signs Of Feeble Struggle +Hanging Onto The Leg Of This Helicopter Is Harder Than It Looks +Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases +Viacom Demands YouTube Pull 400,000 Ex-TV Viewers From Its Site +Bumbling Ragtag Regiment Achieves Heartwarming Victory In Iraq +Prince Harry Going To Iraq +Oscars Reveal Widening Gap Between Best, Worst Dressed +U.S. Dollar Drops Against Counterfeit U.S. Dollar +202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism +Former Editor Can't Believe Shit College Newspaper Is Printing +Temperature Of Coffee Expected To Rise Nine Degrees By End Of 21st Century +Flip Saunders' Riveting Speech After All-Star Game Fails To Keep Team Together +Paul Pierce Out For Season With Suspicious-Sounding Cough +Shocking Revelations From The World Of Sports +Bush Likens Terror War To U.S. Independence +MLB No Longer Accepting New Players +Mark Martin: 'I'm Too Old To Be Driving Cars Around' +Manny Ramirez Has Weirdest Feeling He Should Be Somewhere While Watching Spring Training +Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11 +Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club +XM, Sirius To Merge +Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue +How Can I Go On With Life After Losing A Finger? +Mr. Contractor, Tear Down This Wall! +FDA Approves Laser Comb +Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination +Ellen DeGeneres Prepares To Host Academy Awards By Spending Eight Hours A Day In Oscars Simulator +Dane Cook Parlays New Burger King Menu Item Into Hour-Long HBO Special +7,000 Iraqis U.S. Bound +Internal Affairs Investigator Disappointed Conspiracy Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top +FBI Loses Laptops And Guns +Drunk Driver In The Zone +Doctor Trying To Get Unemployed Friend A Doctor Job +John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player +Bill Murray Shoots 18-Under To Win Pebble Beach Pro-Am +Desperate Clippers Sign Doug Christie To 10-Minute Contract +Mike Krzyzewski Assures Duke Players That Team Is Ranked 26th +ESP Lab Closing +Hillary Clinton Inspires Young Girls To Form Presidential Exploratory Committees +Alex Rodriguez Nervously Awaiting Invitation To Spring Training +Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress +Harvard's First Female President +Scooter Libby Trial +In College, I Marched Against Racism—And It Worked +This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love vs. But You Love Him! +Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy +Ping-Pong Rules Adjusted For Girlfriend +Franken Leaves Air America +Justin Timberlake Apathetically Crowned King Of Pop +Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies +Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete +Porn Viewed By Young +Holocaust Historian Can't Help Imagining What Random People Would Look Like Behind Barbed-Wire Fence +Teacher's Leave Of Absence Shrouded In Legend +Anna Nicole Dead +Lovie Smith Becomes First African-American Coach To Lose Super Bowl +Favre Announces He Will Return To College Football +Dan Marino Squeezes Harder And Harder During Congratulatory Handshake With Peyton Manning +Haggard Scared Straight +Pirates GM Begins Making Frantic, Haphazard Moves After Realizing It's Almost Spring Training +NBA's Eastern Conference Sends Four Players To All-Star Game +Thousands Lose Jobs As Michigan Unemployment Offices Close +Stegosaurus Is My Second-Favorite Dinosaur +Microsoft Vista Released +Troop Gradually Withdraws +Seriously, Ladies, There Have Been Noise Complaints +Aqua Teen Payout Force +Mysterious Congressman Announces Dark Horse Candidacy +Touring Raffi Refuses To Play 'Shake My Sillies Out' +Florida Voting Machine Replacement +Nation To Celebrate First-Ever Black History Month History Week +Savings Lowest Since The Depression +Area Man Needs Two More Trips To Best Buy To Beat Xbox 360 Game +Feb. 4, 1932 +Ryan Seacrest Nervous About How Audiences Will Respond To Slightly Shorter Haircut +Potato-Chip Connoisseur Detects Notes Of Sour Cream, Onion +KFC Purges Trans Fats +Peyton Manning Overjoyed His Commercials Will Finally Appear In Super Bowl +Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines On Dolphin Stadium Sidelines +Nuclear Plants Left Vulnerable +Millions Of Americans Travel To Kentucky To Attend Barbaro's Funeral +Rex Grossman Purposely Doesn't Tell Family, Friends He's In Super Bowl +Roger Federer Worried Fans Only Like Him For His Tennis Record +Burger King Going Cageless +Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity +New Disney Ride Simulates Disney–ABC Merger +Misbehavior Linked To Day Care +Confident Phil Mickelson Guarantees Tiger Woods Will Win Masters +Tank Johnson, Pac-Man Jones Killed While Arguing Over Who Inspired NFL Code Of Conduct +Tom Glavine Uses Pitching Metaphors To Explain Hitting +Mavericks Free-Throw Coach Refers Player To Left-Handed-Lay-Up Coach +Great Cinderella Stories From The Annals Of Sports +NASCAR Unveils New 'Car Of Yesterday' +Edwards Discourages Sympathy Vote +Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture +Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush +Ain't Nobody Telling Me What My Baby Allergic To +I'm Prepared To Give My Life For This Or Any Country +Private Space Flight +Online Porn Law Struck Down +Friend Who's Into Politics Makes You Feel Stupid Again +Alternative Spring Break Devolves Into Real Spring Break +Anna Nicole Smith Finally Reaches Target Weight +Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed +Chiquita Paid Colombian Terrorists +College Senior Hopes To Turn Love Of Data Entry Into Career +General Calls Homosexuality 'Immoral' +Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong +Starbucks Starts Music Label +Old Red Sox Uniform Only Outfit Left In Mo Vaughn's Closet +Slight Breeze Shatters Ken Griffey Jr.'s Femur +Mike Lupica Uses Final Thought On Sports Reporters To Ask About His Missing Dog +34-Year-Old Man Wants To Be Professional Bowler When He Grows Up +Conspiracy Theorists Insist Barbaro Still Alive +Fantasy Baseball Busts And Sleepers +Bono Outbids Everyone At Charity Auction For Bono-Autographed Guitar +Hillary Clinton Tries To Woo Voters By Rescinding Candidacy +Father Not Letting Firstborn Repeat Mistakes He Made As Nine-Month-Old +Call For Gonzales's Resignation +The Secret +We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department +Darling, We'll Always Have Minneapolis/St. Paul +Daylight Saving Time Earlier +White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence +Actress' Abortion Written Into TV Show +Area Pagan Dreading Big Family Vernal Equinox Celebration +Heavily Processed Food Makes Pathetic Nutritional Claims +Caffeinated Donut Invented +Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center +Man Who Plays Devil's Advocate Really Just Wants To Be Asshole +Captain America Killed +Vince Carter Hires On-Court Assistant +Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book +Venezuelans Flee to Florida +'No Bunting' Rule Somehow Finds Way Into Updated MLB Rulebook +College Baseball Prospect Comes Home To Find Scott Boras In Living Room +Visiting Columbus Blue Jackets 'Really Impressed' By City Of Calgary +NCAA Tournament Bubble Teams +NHL Signs Broadcast Deal With Food Network +Honeybees Dying Mysteriously +Florida Man Beats Out Heart Disease As Nation's No. 1 Killer +Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels +Any Friend Of Yours Is A Potential Girlfriend Of Mine +I Don't Want Health Care If Just Anyone Can Have It +State Apologies +Apple Unveils New Product-Unveiling Product +Walter Reed Head Fired +Condoleezza Rice Drives Halfway To Airport Before Realizing She Forgot Interpreter +High School Student Council Passes Nonbinding Resolution +Harry Potter Nude +Unreleased Jimmy Page Guitar Riff To Be Retrieved From Secret Vault To Save Rock And Roll +Research Grant Blown Wooing Cute Research Assistant +Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones +Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy +Kevin Garnett: 'I Want To Stay In Minnesota Because I Like Losing' +Report: Almost Nobody Raped During Duke's First Lacrosse Match +Raptors Ask Cavaliers To Come Over And Play At Their Stadium Instead +NFL Combine Highlights +Cheney Nearly Bombed +Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion' +Norah Jones Releases Debut Album For Third Time +Steinbrenner: Torre's Job In Jeopardy If He Doesn't Win Grapefruit League +Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs +Rosie Leaving The View +April 30, 1992 +Prospective Student Had Most Fun Getting Drunk At Arizona State +Don Cheadle 'Riveting' In Coffee Shop Purchase +MLB Credits Hank Aaron With 50 Lost Home Runs +Pentacle Allowed On Veterans' Tombstones +Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over +Oregon Governor On Food Stamps +Kobe Bryant Still Shocked Every Time He Makes A Jump Shot +NFL's New Code Of Conduct +Floyd Mayweather Nervous That Training For De La Hoya Fight Has Not Involved Throwing Single Punch +David Eckstein Hints To Parents That He Wants Birthday Cake Designed Like Hamburger +Garden State Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie +Hideki Matsui Can't Believe He Didn't Homer During Every At Bat In Single-A Ball +Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc. +Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project +Gaze Upon My Baseball Cap Collection And Try To Remain Unmoved +Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place +It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs +Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes +Boris Yeltsin Dead +Mayor Daley's Son Appointed Head Of Illinois Nepotist Party +No Baghdad Wall +Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business +Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive +Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen +Street Evangelist Saves 300 Souls From Enjoying Park +'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld +Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins +'This American Life' Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence +Brady Quinn: 'I'm Going To Be A Bust' +ESPN Interrupts Drew Bledsoe's Retirement Speech To Air Commercials +Biggest Busts In The History Of The NFL Draft +FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food +Albert Pujols Can't Bring Self To Hit Against Ex-Teammate Jeff Suppan +NFL Draft In Chaos As Mel Kiper's Big Board Is Knocked Over +Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game +Area Man Realizes He's Not The Cool Uncle +Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game +Unemployed Scientists Prove Dog Likes Beer +Rhode Island Votes To Move 2008 Primary To Tomorrow +Fighting Chinese Piracy +Just This Once, Let's Stay Up All Night And Do A Bunch Of Coke +When I Die, I'm Going To Haunt The Fuck Out Of You People +Richard Gere Angers India +Only Jewish Kid In Class Asked To Talk About Holocaust Remembrance Day +al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government +McCain To Send Self Back To Vietnamese POW Camp To Revitalize Campaign +Study: You Have HPV +Taxpayer Information At Risk +Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics +Kurt Vonnegut Dead +Majority Of Parents Abuse Children, Children Report +Eulogy Filled With Pro-Christian Propaganda +Jim Nantz Makes Arnold Palmer Watch Old Clips Of Himself Until He Cries +Tiger Woods Reveals He Is Zach Johnson +Jeff Kent To Wear No. 42 To Honor Mariano Rivera +Young Knicks Player Keeps Asking About Patrick Ewing +Jan Ullrich Feels He Can No Longer Trust Anyone With His Bags Of Blood +Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time +Great Recent Stories From Less-Popular Sports +China Bans Human Organ Trafficking +Men, Boys Separated +The Sibley Guide To Birds Has Clearly Misidentified The Dark-Eyed Junco +Mammograms +I Never Talk On The First Date +U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument +Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks +U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day +Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail +Circuit City Cuts 3,400 "Overpaid" Workers +10 Million Fans Killed Off In Sopranos Season Premiere +Democrats Demand Inquiry Into How They're Doing So Far +'Most E-Mailed' List Tearing New York Times' Newsroom Apart +Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation +Iran Releases British Sailors +Area Man Just Wants To Throw One Good Punch In His Life +Press Conference Reveals David Ortiz Clearly Doesn't Know Who Jackie Robinson Is +NCAA Tournament Intensifies As Florida Advances To Round Of One +Argentina Reclaiming Falklands +Potential New Cubs Owners +Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double +Little Leaguer Admits It Would Be 'Pretty Cool' To Kill Someone With Line Drive +Trey Wingo Apologizes For Accidentally Calling Champion Lady Vols 'Pat Summitt's Marauding Army Of Monstrous Lesbians' +High School Production Of Our Town Features Line Memorization +Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming +Area Man Has Sex With Man To Get Out Of Office Blood Drive +Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists +In The Ten Commandments, I Performed All My Own Miracles +There's Only Room At This Party For One Guy Named Skeeter +Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed +Hillary Raises $26 M +Senator Forms Subcommittee For The Watching Of Lost +Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister +New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition +U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV +April 4, 1965 +Venezuelans Protest TV-Station Closure +Buttery Goodness Now America's Top Domestic Product +Kobe Bryant Demanding Things Again +Ultimate Fighting Championship's Popularity +Teemu Selanne Practices Kissing Stanley Cup On Hand +Nation To Ken Griffey Jr.: 'We Wish It Were You Hitting 756 Home Runs' +Cleveland Sportswriter Compares LeBron James To Craig Ehlo +Brian Cashman Saves Job With Eight Shutout Innings +MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless +High School Student Whines His Way To 4.0 GPA +I Believe In Evolution, Except For The Whole Triassic Period +Season Finale Wrap-Up +There's No More Reassuring Voice In Retirement Planning Than Dennis Hopper +Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks +Shark Gives Virgin Birth +Kentucky DMV Introduces Game Of Chicken To Driver's Test +Supreme Court Reaches Landmark 'It Depends' Ruling +Wedding Videographer Clearly Shooting Side Project During Ceremony +Memorial Day Celebrations +In Need Of Dedication, Yearbook Staff Sacrifices Homecoming King +Amazing Medical Discovery To Add Years Of Fish-Oil Consumption To Man's Life +Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa? +Nation Mobilizes For Beautiful Weekend +Roger Goodell Tightens Code Of Conduct After NFL Players Break His Priceless Vase +Employee's Multitasking Doesn't Include Work +Experts Predict Man Who Plays Once Every Five Days Probably Won't Save Team +LeBron James Struggles To Name One Cavalier Aside From Himself +Period Suppression Pill OK'd +WNBA Apparently Giving It Another Shot +Women In Motorsports +Carl Lewis, Michael Johnson Argue Over Who Has To Wear Back End Of Curlin Costume For Belmont Stakes +Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs +Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion +Bush's New 'War Czar' +Jesus Is My Health Insurance +If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty +Trump Quits The Apprentice +Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book +Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy +Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP Door +Area Man Somehow Roped Into Arguing Passionately For Green Day +Couric's Ratings Woes +Elie Wiesel Mortified After Rereading Night +Romney: 'Double Guantanamo' +Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response +Idaho Legislature Declares English Only Language They Know +Bob Costas: Dogfights At Vick's House 'Some Of The Best Dogfights I Have Ever Seen' +New Michael Vick Revelations +Rated R For Smoking +MLB Announces Acceptable 2007 World Series Matchups +Brett Favre Demands Trade To 1996 Packers +Mothers Lose 10th Annual MLB Mother's Day Game 24-2 +NBA Referees Turn Off 'Goaltending,' 'Out-Of-Bounds,' Turn On 'Unlimited Turbo' For Conference Finals +Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining +Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions +Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things +Test-Driving The New Smartphones +Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee? +Catholic Church Reconsiders Limbo +Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead +Postal Rates Increase +Area Man Lives Vicariously Through Son's Bully +Florida Crocs Make Nuclear Comeback +Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die' +Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show +New Billionaire Tries To Develop Eccentricities +Thirsty Mayor Drinks Town's Entire Water Supply +Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity +Prince William Fells Prince Willem-Alexander Of The Netherlands In Crucial Joust +Extra-Slanty Italics Introduced For Extremely Important Words +Manny Ramirez Asks Red Sox If He Can Work From Home +Every NCAA Basketball Player Declares Eligibility For NBA Draft +A.J. Burnett Blames Poor Outing On Stupid Good Hitters +Kid Buys Tiger Woods Golf Shoes Thinking It Will Make Him Chip And Putt Better +Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure After Taking Night Course In Russian Literature +Earth-like Planet Discovered +Famous Sports Superstitions +CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office +Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68 Percent Of People Hate Him +If Someone Wanted To Publish My Blog Entries For Money, I Wouldn't Say No +Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect +Queen Elizabeth II Visits U.S. +Bush Rejects Iraq Funding Bill +Abstinence Education Doesn't Work +White-On-White Violence Claims Life Of Accounts Receivable Supervisor +Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place +June 29, 1919 +Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable +New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus +Construction Worker Still Hasn't Given Up On True Love +Professional Porn Sales Down +Curt Schilling To Start LiveBlogging From Mound +Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics +Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly +Player To Be Named Later Knows It's Him +Report: Kenny Mayne Incapable Of Carrying On A Normal Conversation +Biggest Busts In NBA Draft History +Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy +Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good' +Wife's Needs Gross +Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk +Ha! Ha! Ha! I Can’t Believe How Funny This Sitcom Is! +Sicko Opens This Weekend +Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy? +Dieting Doesn't Work +Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School +Fewer Boys Being Born +Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike +James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan +Shitty Neighborhood Rallies Against Asshole Developer +Guy With Kids To Have More Kids +Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually +June 23, 1939 +White House Used Third Party Email +Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss +Tiger Woods Continues Hitting Bucket Of Balls After Hearing Wife Has Gone Into Labor +Pac-Man Jones: 'I Will Be Nowhere Near Next Friday's Strip-Club Stabbing' +Report: Another Baseball Team Almost Does Something As Interesting As Yankees, Red Sox +Gene Upshaw Hires Former Football Players To Rough Each Other Up +U.S. Lifts Embargo Against Palestine +Highlights Of The 2007 U.S. Open +Tim Duncan Delivers Heartfelt Speech On Fiscal Responsibility During Spurs Victory Celebration +Addressing Climate Crisis, Bush Calls For Development Of National Air Conditioner +Couple In Fed Standoff +Open-Minded Music Lover Likes All Kinds Of Metal +Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial? +Apple's New iPhone +Point/Counterpoint: We Have A Unique Opportunity To Change The World +New Mexico Bans Cockfighting +Barack Obama 'Tiger Beat' Cover Clinches Slumber Party Vote +After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack +Half Of Nation Outraged At New, Not-Yet-Released Michael Moore Film +Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses +Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic +Cracker Barrel Announces Plans To Build Another One Out By The Highway +Endangered Species List Edited To Fit Poster +Google Blasted Over Privacy +Rafael Nadal Credits French Open Success To Living In A World Of Clay +Mike Brown Feels Cavs Are Being Outvictoried +10-Year-Old Asks Why Interleague Play Is Good +Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General +Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle +Oakmont Country Club Members Refuse To Give Up Regular Weekly Tee Times +Famous MLB Manager Tantrums +Scrappy Underdog Yankees Refusing To Go Away +Davey Gendelman Hits Puberty +Congress Passes Seriously Uncool Legislation +Third Time's Even More The Charm! +Russia Engages In Saber Rattling +I've Got Some Bad News, And I've Got Some Hilarious News +Tonight Show Features Live Ad +Author To Use Water As Metaphor +Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran +Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa +Drunk Guy Knows All The Lyrics To This Song +Bird Flu Vaccine Approved +Craig Kilborn Ready To Return To The Daily Show +Banjo Player Sought In Hootenanny Spree +Rep. Jefferson Under Investigation +Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide +Isiah Thomas Asks Mike Brown If He Could Coach One Game Of Finals +Scooter Libby Sentenced For Lying +Tom Glavine: 'I'm Never Gonna Get My 300th Win, Am I?' +Second Life Makes Dream Of Owning Fictitious Coffee Shop Come True +A History Of Head Injuries In Sports +God Wondering If He's Being Too Cruel In Allowing Cavaliers To Reach NBA Finals +Tim Duncan Rooting For Cavaliers For Good Of NBA +Lou Piniella Appeals For Suspension To Last For Entire Contract +Retired Gen. George Washington Criticizes Bush's Handling Of Iraq War +Audience Calls Candidates Back On Stage For Debate Encore +Hey, Wasn't There Some Sort Of National Tragedy A Few Months Back? +Bush To Double AIDS Funding +With All Due Respect, I Choose Not To Go Fuck Myself +The 49 States Of America? +Creation Museum Grand Opening +Nation Hoping For A Windy Flag Day +Rocky II, III, IV Decisions Overturned After Stallone Caught With Performance-Enhancing Drugs +Uncool Zookeeper Won't Let Anyone Ride Gorillas +Airline Passenger Has TB +Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended +Executive Fascinated By Electrician's Lunch +Media Landscape Redefined By 24-Second News Cycle +Sheehan Quits Peace Movement +Counselors Quarantine Homesick Campers +Report: Astronauts Flew Drunk +Mysterious Congressman Challenges Leading Candidates To Debate At Dawn +Demoted Cop Unsure Why Desk Job Considered Punishment +Facebook Founder Sued +New Theories Suggest Kennedy Wasn't Shot +July 28, 1953 +Farewell, Weekly World News +Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers +Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail +U.S. City Issues IDs To Illegal Immigrants +Padraig Harrington On First Major Victory: 'That Was Boring' +Left Bed In Clemens, Pettitte's Shared Hotel Room Clearly Unused +Bengals To Enforce Strict 3 a.m. Curfew +Barry Bonds Home-Run Scandal Somehow Becomes Feel-Good Sports Story Of Summer +EPA Warns Human Beings No Longer Biodegradable +David Beckham No Longer Allowed On Playing Field For Insurance Reasons +Donaghy's Warning Signs +Study: Iraqis May Experience Sadness When Friends, Relatives Die +New Sitcom Pulls Back The Envelope +No One Sets Out To Be A Smooth Jazz Musician +Dow Jones Reaches 14,000 +Adults Have Misclassified Me As A Handful +Drew Carey New Price Host +5 Polyps Removed From Bush's Colon +Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum +Target Sold Illegal Silly String +Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147 +Area Man Can't Wait To Get Home To Look Out New Window +New Eco-Friendly Packaging Triggers Boom In Guilt-Free Littering +Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry +Murder Mystery On Train Not So Fun In Real Life +July 20, 1985 +Sources: Barista Not Actually Flirting With You +While Clearing Out Desk, Dan Patrick Sobs Over Picture Of Him And Tim Kurkjian +Shane Victorino Really Thought Phillies Could Avoid 10,000th Loss +AMA: Plastic Surgery 'Only A Few Years Away' From Making Someone Look Better +Authorities Discover Illegal Frog-Jumping Ring In Eli Manning's Backyard +Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums +Joe DiMaggio's Diary Just A List Of Things, People He Hated +Kobayashi Retires From Eating +Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys +No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song +Loser Older Brother Looked Up To +I'm Totally Dating A Black Chick +Workplace Productivity Falling +Girl, That Man Ain't Right For You +Japanese Quake Led To Nuclear Leak +New Titanic Film Told From Iceberg's Point Of View +Gilmore Drops Out Of Race +John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011 +5-Million-Car Pileup Kills Dallas-Fort Worth +Humans Hardwired For Faith +July 12, 1977 +July 8, 1987 +Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove's Car +Senator Craig Arrested +Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For +Motor City Madman Attacks Dems +Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes +Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff +Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week +Nation's Fourth-Graders Continue To Trail Nation's Fifth-Graders +No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home +Dorm RA 'Not Like The Other Dorm RAs,' Says Dorm RA +Report: School Shootings Help Prepare Students For Being Shot In Real World +Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now +Barry Zito: 'My Dad Says I Shouldn't Throw Curveballs Anymore' +Notable NFL Roster Cuts +Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France +Little League Coaches' World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened +Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease +Texas Executes 400th Convict +Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales +USA Today Crossword Puzzle Grants False Sense Of Intelligence +Honey, Let's Never Pass Out Angry Again +Remembering Princess Di +This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues +Town Still Can't Think Of Name For Largest, Most Used Street +Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips +Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite +Attorney General Gonzales Resigns +Chris Tucker To Focus Attention On Smaller, More Personal Rush Hour Projects +Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes +Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing +Aug. 27, 1920 +Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem +Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy +Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace +Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis +Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard +NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings +Athletes In Trouble With The Law +Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic +Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries +Thought Of Cross-Dressing, Joining LPGA Briefly Crosses David Duval's Mind +FDA Approves Seconds +Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown +Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is +Now That I'm A Titan Of Industry, It's Time To Become A Titan Of Friendship +This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome +Record Flight Delays +California Raises Malt Beverage Tax +No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal +Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away From Towel Alarm Clock +Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not +Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels +Space Tourist Spends Entire Vacation Inside Space Shuttle +Aug. 17, 1977 +Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home +Self-Help Lecture Attendees Surprised To Hear Speaker Was Once Just Like Them +Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle +Chinese Won't Dump Dollar +Nude Model Suspects She's Posing For Civics Class +Woods Annoyed Daughter Was Looking Other Way When He Won PGA Championship +New Features in Madden '08 +Rams Too Embarrassed To Express Interest In Simeon Rice: 'What If He Doesn't Like Us?' +Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation +Yao Ming's Self-Written Wedding Vows Include How He Loves The Top Of His Wife's Head +Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War +U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein +Area Man Meets That Special Someone Else +America's Aging Infrastructure +All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold +As A Working Mom, It's Hard To Find Time To Masturbate +War Czar Considering Draft +Karl Rove Resigns +Churchgoer Tips God For Excellent Week +Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget +Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work +Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean +Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie +Aug. 10, 1995 +Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup +Teen's Eulogy Mostly Nickelback Lyrics +Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving +Tom Glavine Ominously Announces He Will Be Last 300-Game Winner +Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months +Beckham An Inspiration To Children Who Never Get Put In Game +New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork +Unbreakable Records +Juan Pierre's 72-Game Hitting Streak Lost Amid Recent Flurry Of Baseball Milestones +Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation +Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed +Small Town Holds Annual Gay Shame Parade +Report: Iran Less Than 10 Years Away From 2016 +Murdoch Buying Dow Jones +Everyone Should Own A Gun For Protection And Possibly For Suicide +This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote +190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq +Congress Approves Surveillance Measures +Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out +DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo +California Voting Machines Hacked +McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays +Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair +August 6, 1903 +Indoor Grill Owner Can't Wait For Start Of Autumn +FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers +Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident +Barry Bonds Not Certain He'll Be Present For His 756th Home Run +Craig Biggio Blames Media Pressure For Stalling At 285 Hit-By-Pitches +Pallbearers Move Bill Walsh's Coffin Down Church Aisle In Series Of Short, Precise Passes +Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly +Pirates GM Unable To Trade Xavier Nady For Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter +How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing +Report: NBA Considering Firing Tim Donaghy +Tom Snyder Dead At 71 +Activision Reports Sluggish Sales For Sousaphone Hero +Heroic Man Rushes Into Movie Theater, Saves 4 Seats +Arizona News Choppers Crash +There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity +My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me +Attorney General Under Scrutiny +New Fig Newtons Ad Preys On Inherent Human Weakness +Utah Polygamist Convicted +Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso +Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing +Donovan McNabb Has Perfect Game For A Black Quarterback +Starbucks Music Giveaway +Magglio Ordonez, Placido Polanco Stay Up All Night Talking About Favorite Hitting Situations +LaDainian Tomlinson +New York Giants Locker Room Somber After Embarrassing Win +Unusual Sports Injuries +Every Bill Reminds Congressman Of Ex-Wife +Tearful Rex Grossman: 'I Was Intercepted A Lot As A Child' +NHL Giving It Another Try Despite Advice Of Friends, Family +Over-Optimistic NFL Doctor Says Injured Bills Player Kevin Everett Will Fly Out Of Hospital +Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work +Google Launches ‘The Google’ For Older Adults +Dollar Weakest In 31 Years +I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord +No Police Report Can Truly Capture My Love Of Drunk Driving +Steroid Bust Nets 124 +Marcel Marceau Dead +Guy At Bar Had Similar Experience, But Better +Chinese Authorities Execute 10 Million Recalled Toys +New Wes Anderson Film Features Deadpan Delivery, Meticulous Art Direction, Characters With Father Issues +Peruvians' Mysterious Illness +Rhino, Tickbird Stuck In Dead-End Symbiotic Relationship +Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up +Arby's CEO Arrested With Trunk Full Of Stolen Horsey Sauce +Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked +Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, Finish Surgery In Morning +Tiger Woods Looking For More Competitive Golf Tour +Guy At Bar Complaining About His Job Turns Out To Be Eli Manning +Espionage In Sports +Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism' +Roger Clemens Officially Earns His $20 Million +Confiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering +Peyton Manning Apologizes For Cheating One Time When He Was 5 +City Of New Orleans Inspiring Saints To Get Over Latest On-Field Disaster +Tennessee Titans vs. New Orleans Saints +14 American Apparel Models Freed In Daring Midnight Raid +I Couldn't Possibly Accept Your Offer Of Basic Cable Plus Showtime For Just $33 Per Month +Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury, Marry Me +Putting Pressure On Iran +Coworker Not Nearly As Fun Drunk As Originally Suspected +Microsoft Fine Upheld In Court +Fred Thompson Fears Presidential Run Will Typecast Him As Politician +France Says Prepare For Iran War +Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb +Sequel-Hungry Nation Demands Production of Click II +Science Fiction Writer Admits Unstoppable Killing Machine Based On Mother +Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction +Bush To Withdraw 30,000 Troops +Hundreds Line Up Overnight For Opening Of New Homeless Shelter +Scientists Isolate Area Of Brain That Doesn't Like Poking +Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith +Hubris Rewarded +Eagles Fans Give McNabb Three-Week Deadline To Win Super Bowl +Randy Moss Complains He's Getting The Ball Too Much +FedEx Cup Chase Intensifies As PGA Multiplies All Scores By 1 Million +Michigan Drops To Division III In Polls Following Second Loss +Lovable Prankster Pedro Martinez Admits He Was Never Really Hurt +WNBA Season Highlights +Andy Roddick To New Friend Phil Mickelson: 'We're Just Like Roger Federer And Tiger Woods' +Ford Reintroduces Model T Line That Made It Great +U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs +Clinton Blasts Obama For Slamming Edwards Jab +Maybe We Should Try Coddling The Terrorists +It's Not Too Late To Join Jeansperience '07! +Bin Laden Called 'Virtually Impotent' +Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup +Kid Nation Debuts +Gen. Petraeus Delivers Iraq Report +CEO's Funeral A Networking Dream +Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8 +Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public +Historic Pretzels-For-Little Debbie Swap Sparks Heavy Lunchtime Trading +Number Of Blacks In Military Down +Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better +Goodell Too Busy To Enjoy NFL Season Opener +Great College Football Traditions +'Unbeatable' Checkers Program Designed +Kenny Lofton Thinks He's Putting Finishing Touches On Hall Of Fame Career +Study: Retired Dads Busier Than Ever +New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah +Michael Vick: 'I Also Ate Kittens' +Brady Quinn Leads Browns Into Post-Preseason +Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades +New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents +Bro, You're A God Among Bros +The Troubled Life of Amy Winehouse +From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies +America Most Armed Nation +Housing Prices Fall Sharply +Mortgage Market Collapse Threatens Nation's Banner Ad Industry +Nameless Hurricane That Much More Terrifying +Afghan Opium Yields Highest Ever +Researchers Find Link Between Education, Smartness +Area Man Likes To Compare Circle Of Friends To Cast Of Lost +Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation +Banking Industry On Hard Times +If I Die, Please Finish This Sandwich +I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms +Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight +Iraqi Diplomat Draft? +Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government +The Child Labor Gap +Gerbil Growing Distant +Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot +Postmaster General: 'Letter Carrier Surge Is Working' +Sugar Ray Thrilled To Be Playing In Man's Head +Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober' +Report: Everyone In Hollywood Great Friends +Area Man To Start Curling His 2s +World Series Flyover Turns Out To Be Full-Scale Airstrike +Terry Francona Announces Josh Beckett Will Start Games 1, 4, 7, 2, 6, 3, 5 +Small Change In Procedure Wendy's Manager's Crowning Achievement +The Most Boring Records In Sports +Miami Dolphins Wonder If They'll Have End Zones In England +Red Sox Attempt To Break Fabled 'Curse Of Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic' +Rockies Complain About 'Thick' Fenway Park Air +Nervous Joe Girardi Blows Interview With Yankees +Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity +Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections +Middle School Dispenses Birth Control +It's Not Easy Being A Frotteur +Writers Strike Looming +Slow Down, Technology! +Doll-Housing Crisis Set To Worsen, Mean Older Brother Says +Scientists Theorize What Would Happen If They Touched A Cloud +Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay' +Not-So-Horrible Thing Happens In Iraq +Boomers On Social Security +FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo +First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn +Oct. 19, 1931 +Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons +Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread +Police Horrified By Grisly Remains Of Taco Bell Meal +Both Teams Satisfied With Three-And-A-Half Yard Carry +Nervous University Of South Florida Football Team Kind Of Hoping They Lose +Midnight Madness +'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered +Terry Francona Sends Eric Gagne Down To Made-Up Triple-A Team +Dolphins To Distract Patriots While Browns Get Them From Behind +Dan Marino Hosts Hour-Long HBO Special Celebrating Favre's Interceptions +Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways +MLB.com Executive Casually Reminds Harold Reynolds Not To Sexually Harass Anyone +Tony Stewart +U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool +Sears Gold Card Holder Pushing Weight Around Area Sears +If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History +Fifty Years Of Space Exploration +You're Not My Real Stepdad! +Fifty Years Of Space Exploration +NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen +It Only Tuesday +Man Sentenced To 3 Months Probation For 17th-Degree Murder +Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O +Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon +Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma +Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man +Bisexual's Parents Half-Understand +Atlantic City Mayor Resigns +Piping-Hot Calzone Missing +Trent Green Holds Press Conference To Announce Long String Of Vowels +All-Time Greatest Upsets +Police Tasers Deemed Safe +Torre, Steinbrenner Have Most Awkward Bathroom Encounter Of Their Lives +Blues At Blackhawks +Goodell Tells Bills To Use Bye Week To See If Football Is Something They Really Want To Be Doing +Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord +Piniella: 'Oh, First To Three Wins' +Patriots Stunned By Mere 17-Point Victory +One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run +NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi To Its Headquarters By 2017 +CIA's Authorized Torture Practices +Why Is It That My Girlfriend Insists On Sticking Around While I Transform Into A Werewolf? +Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High +I Just Discovered This Hilarious Comic Strip Called 'Garfield' +Ticket Brokers Under Fire +File Sharer Fined $222,000 +Every Intern At Nonprofit Trying To Solve Refugee Crisis First +Thousands March On Washington For A Little Fresh Air, Exercise +Radiohead's New Honor System +4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self +Karate Lessons Give Child Self-Confidence To Quit Karate +North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program +Aunt Threatens To Devour Helpless Newborn's Toes +Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year +Ricky Williams: 'I Can't Believe I Got Really Baked And Applied For Reinstatement Into The NFL' +Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon +Confused Cubs Think They're Going To Arizona To Start Spring Training +Yankees Decline Wild Card +MLB World Series Contenders +Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated +Vlad Guerrero +Mets Vow To Win One More Game Next Year +NFL To Place Favre's 421st Touchdown Ball, Receiver, Stadium Into Hall Of Fame +Umenyiora Comes Out Of Nowhere To Sack McNabb In Parking Lot +New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love +Blackwater In The United States +Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night +Date Of Apple Backlash Set For March 21, 2008 +I'm Still Dazzled By The 2007 Emmy Awards! +Britney Loses Custody Of Children +Newt Won't Run +Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case +Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains +Western Gorilla Almost Extinct +That 'Full House' Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M. +Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs +Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House +D.C. Tops In AIDS +'Fire Isiah' Chant Breaks Out During Knicks' Front-Office Meeting +Go-Getter Eliminates Two Steps From Grieving Process +Report: NFL Had Previously Warned Sean Taylor About Spending Quiet Evenings Alone At Home +Kendrick Perkins Under Assumption He's One Of Celtics' 'Big Three' +Notable Sports Contracts +Shaquille O'Neal Stands Flat-Footed Under Basket For Entire Game +NFL Fines Chad Johnson For Elaborate Catch +Ricky Williams Most Lucid Dolphin On Field +U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys +CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers +Trent Lott Resigns +Entire Blogosphere Stunned By Blogger's Special Weekend Post +I Was Too Gone To Go To Work +FCC Eyeing Cable Regulation +I Remember When This Town Used To Turn Out For A River Dredging +Russian Protest Crackdown +Bar Scene Also Tired Of Area Bachelor +Perfectly Marketed TV Show Somehow Fails +Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding +Hate Crimes Up In '06 +Online Couple Never Chats Anymore +Convention-Goer Has High Hopes For Hilarious Name Tag +What's-His-Face Fires Publicist +Study: Acupuncture Works +Sidney Crosby's One-Goal, Two-Assist Performance Saves Hockey +ESPN Praised For Gutsy Performance In Promoting Dolphins-Steelers Matchup +2007 NASCAR Highlights +TNA Sources: Pacman Jones Kept Asking Where Doink The Clown Is +Fans Best Fans Ever +LeBron James Considering Quitting Basketball, Joining Cast Of SNL +Gin-Soaked Craig Kilborn Shows Up Broke, Homeless At SportsCenter Studio +New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes +Area Man Asked To Shoot Janice An E-mail +Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life +Buoyant Force On Area Object Equal To Weight Of Water Displaced +What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon The World? +Regan Suing News Corporation +ADHD Brains Develop More Slowly +America Looks Like It Could Use Some Cheering Up +Loss Of Virginity More Humiliating Than Original Virginity +Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted +U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car +Rove New Newsweek Columnist +Monopoly Releases Special 'Regular Monopoly' Edition +Desperate SNL Releases 'Best Of Melanie Hutsell' DVD +Law Firm To Purchase One Of Those Big Leather Chairs +7-Eleven Shareholders Approve Sale Of Busch Light Six-Pack +Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal +Crime Scene Investigators Find Arrowhead +Tampa Bay Devil Rays Change Name, Uniform, Sport +Worst Coaching Performances +NHL Hall Of Fame Class Of 2007 Vows To Stay In Touch Following Ceremony +U.S. Military Wasting All Its Victories On Notre Dame +Childress Defends Using Peterson For Running Errands +Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank +Rams Seem To Have Beaten Saints +Stagehand Strike Shutters Broadway +Americans Announce They're Dropping Out Of Presidential Race +Overfunded Public School Forced To Add Jazz Band +New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban +The Health Of America +This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say +Thanksgiving Won't Be The Same This Year Without A House +Friend Tells Depressing Details Of How He's Covered By Freelancers Union +Plague Fatality In Arizona +Report: Double Stuf Oreos Could Raise Tolerance To Stuf +U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms +One Last Ruben Studdard Reference Wafts Gently Into The Cool Evening Air +Bush Gets First Veto Override +Female Serial Killer Has To Work Twice As Hard To Achieve Notoriety +Nov. 9, 1960 +Local Boy Trapped In Family +BBC Upgrades Flap To Row +Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani +Jimmie Johnson On Winning The Dickies 500: 'Yee-Haw' +NFL Midseason Report 2007 +Joe Torre Signs Classiest Contract In Managerial History +Yankees Liken A-Rod's Growing Greed To Kino From Steinbeck's The Pearl +Detroit Lions Not Buying Detroit Lions +Notre Dame Football Team Having Worst Season Since Corinthians +Cheney Impeachment Resolution In Committee +Andy Reid On Family Problems: 'Red Right 32 Trap' +New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac +Cats Are Better Than Dogs +As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle For Nothing Less Than The Luxury Of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers +Democratic Candidates Turn On Clinton +Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons +R.L. Stine Reveals Slappy From Night Of The Living Dummy Was Gay +Aid Workers Stealing Children +Bush Proud U.S. Economic Woes Can Still Depress World Markets +Atlanta Running Out Of Water +Friend Of Friend Better Friend Than Friend +Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity +Fancy Man Enjoys Tea +Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck' +Seinfeld's Return +Third-Person Limited Omniscient Narrator Blown Away By Surprise Ending +Most Items At Garage Sale Haunted +Uruguay First To Buy Cheap Laptops +Slow Month In Baseball Saved By A-Rod +NBA 2007 Season Predictions +Colorado Rockies: 'What The Fuck Just Happened?' +49ers To Start Backup Coach +Red Sox Get World Series Out Of The Way +Drunken Paul Byrd Watching Major League II Right Now +Brian Urlacher Out Four To Six Weeks With Excuses +Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide +Obesity Rates Plateau +Immigration At Highest In 80 Years +Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows +Nation's Crumbling Infrastructure Probably Some Sort Of Metaphor +Germany To Ban Scientology +YouTube Debate Becomes Website's First Ignored Video +Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends +Brett Butler Now Nation's Most Stable Female Celebrity +Gore Wins Oscar, Nobel Peace Prize For Slide-Show Presentation +Thousands Wait Overnight At Microsoft Stores For Second Generation Zune +The Presidency In The Year 2007 +Jackie's 10 Best Entertainment Moments of 2007! +One Cell Phone Per Two Humans +Human Evolution Accelerating +New Speaker Of The House Caught Wearing Women’s Clothing +Iraq War No Longer Interesting Enough To Make List Of Year’s Top Stories +Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her +Ike Turner Dead +Town Uglification Committee Approves New Pile Of Garbage Bags +Sources: George Clooney Looking Good +Patriots Proud Of Defeating Whoever That Last Team Was +Sheepish Timberwolves Fire Placekicker +Michael Vick Hopes Jail Is Like The Longest Yard Without All The Throwing +Lesser-Known College Football Awards +Browns Reject Concept Of Controlling Own Playoff Destiny: 'Everything Is Chaos' +Confused David Stern Thought Gilbert Arenas Was Where Toronto Raptors Played +Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced +Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper +Romney Runs First Attack Ad +2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota +Folk Art Museum Acquires Rare Visitor +I'm The U.N. Undersecretary Your Mother Warned You About +Protests Over The Golden Compass +It's Christmas Time—And I'm In A Holi-Daze! +The Month Of Zepcember +Defense Labs Hack May Be Chinese +Cheap Airfare Sole Reason For Trip To Italy +On The Patriots' Chances To Go Undefeated +Bush's New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing +New Product Can Do All That, More +Clinton, Giuliani Slipping In Polls +Overweight College Student Announces Plans To Wear Shorts, Sandals For Rest Of Year +U.S. Breath Reaches All-Time Worst +Single Parent Wishes She Had Thought Of Abandoning Child First +Kidnapping British People Legal +Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003 +Don Imus Returns To Airwaves For One Last 'Nappy-Headed Hos' Remark +Dodgers Offer Twins Moon, Stars For Johan Santana +NCAA Abandons BCS, Implements New Argument-Based System For Determining College Football Rankings +Confusing 24-Player Trade Sends You, Scottie Pippen To Utah Jazz +Explaining the 2007 BCS Top Ten +Bob Costas Spontaneously Eulogizing At Sean Taylor's Funeral +NFL Meteorologists Warn Steaming Black-Guy Heads Occurring Later Every Year +30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash +My Son And His Friends Will Never Find My Secret Playboy Stash +These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings +The Mideast Peace Talks +Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front +God Told Roberts To Quit University +Conservation Group Condemns Waterboarding As Wasteful +Evel Knievel Dead +Christmas Trees More Expensive +Local Radio Station Has Got Some Doobie Brothers Coming Up For You +Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement +Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman +Hamas Victorious +Google Refuses To Turn Over Records To Government +West Wing Canceled +Yao Ming Living Up To Height Expectations +NHL Players Protest New Goaltending Penalty +Onion Sports Super Bowl Preview +Backwoods Kenyan Just Watches Marathons For The Crashes +Conservatives Rule Canada +Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies +I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq Dart +January 23, 1973 +Ghost Of Brando Urges Man To Finish Whole Cheesecake +Craigslist Apartment Listing Uses Record 354 Exclamation Points +Man's Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips +Sharon's Neurotransmitters Reach Cease-Fire Agreement +Christian Juggler Regrets Years Wasted As Secular Juggler +Secretary Of Agriculture Keeps Bragging He's Ninth In Line For The Presidency +More Companies Phasing Out Retirement Option +Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming +Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus +Bush Pictured With Abramoff +Second U.S. Mining Disaster +Death With Dignity Upheld +Latin America Leaning Left +Patriots' 2006 Victory Parade Awkward, Sparsely Attended +Bill Romanowski Bursts Into Senate To Deny He Ever Took Steroids +Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife +Driving Truck Also Important Part Of NASCAR Truck Series Champion's Offseason +Mother Throws Away Son's Baseball-Card Collection As Required By Narrative Convention +Area Man Won't Do Anything Without Express Written Consent Of NFL +January 18, 1991 +Alito Confirmation Likely +Freudian Physical Therapist Convinced Dream Actually About Knee +Corn Lobby Tightens The Screws +Gumption Rewarded With Even More Work +Bush Urges Senate To Give Alito Fair, Quick, Unanimous Confirmation +Real-Life Stranger On A Train Less Interesting Than Hitchcock Version +Your Offer Of Gum Seems Rather Disingenuous +Hi, I Like To Cut Myself +U.S. Holds Going-Out-Of-Business Sale +Maverick Hunter's 'Human Beings As Prey' Plan Not As Challenging As Expected +Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com +Call Of Duty 2 Gamer Wonders If War Is Worth Dying 79 Times For +Brangelina Expecting +New York Jets Finish Season +Pete Rose Caught Trying To Get Inducted Into Hall Of Fame Under Assumed Name +Bode Miller: Skiing While On Cocaine, Vicodin, LSD Also Not Easy +NFL Refs Admit 'Everything Just Happens So Fast' +Alcohol Awareness Class +Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts +Gay Cowboy Film Buzz +Greenspan Retiring +January 4, 1959 +I Miss My Old Sled +We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young +Why Can't We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door? +Cold And Flu Prevention Tips +Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo +ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year +Man From Canada Acts Like He's Not Cold +Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas +Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine +Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever +Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat +Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results +Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten +U.S.-North Korea Relations +March 4, 1997 +Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? +I Can Write 600 Words About Anything +Stealth Bomber Being Retired +Kennedy Center To Dishonor Gilbert Gottfried +Christian Rock Uninspired +Chris Penn's Body Double Really Letting Self Go +Copy Editor's Revenge Takes Form Of Unhyphenated Word +National Weather Service To Give Hurricanes Full Names +New Wool Blanket Tears Commune Apart +Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet Excel 11.0 +Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness +Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness +Disgraced Radio Shack CEO Forced To Step Down +Study: Low-Fat Diet Doesn't Lower Heart Disease +Sammy Sosa Retires 12 Home Runs Shy Of Steroid Investigation +U.S. Olympic Hockey Team Continues 26-Year Streak Of Non-Miraculous Play +Tony Stewart: 'I Can't Believe The Other Drivers Fell For That 'Safety' Crap' +Tampa Bay Devil Rays Worried They Might Be Cut During Spring Training +Kobe Bryant Named As 2008 Olympic Basketball Team +$1.6 Billion On White House PR +Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports +I'm Totally Gonna Get Laid On This Humanitarian Mission To Uganda +Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed +Latest Bin Laden Tape For Completists Only +Alito Keeps Telling Supreme Court How They Did Things In Circuit Court +Everyone In Coffee Shop Billing For Their Time +George Jefferson Honored For Black Television History Month +Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock +Voices In Man's Head Make Great Point About Time Management +Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine-Candy-Related Weight Gain +Army Of Identical Scientists Demands Legislative Support For Cloning +White House Had Prior Knowledge Of Cheney Threat +Batman vs. Bin Laden +British Soldiers Videotaped Brutalizing Iraqi Teens +Report: Government's Katrina Response Was Flawed +Gretzky: 'I Never Bet On Baseball' +NBA All-Star Skills Competition To Include Mock Press Conference +Daytona-Area Hit-And-Run Suspect Returns To Scene Of Crime Every 47.72 Seconds +Daytona 500 Honors Dale Earnhardt's Memory With Wall Of Fame Across Track +Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis +Denny's Comment-Card Archive Offers Glimpse Into Decades Of Poor, Fair, And Excellent Service +Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land +Senate Ethics Committee To Meet In New Ethics Committee Mansion +iPod Hearing Damage Lawsuit +February 13, 1907 +Who's Going To Clean Up This Romantic Gesture? +I Had A Splendid Time At Your Heist Last Night +History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore +Self-Defense Instructor Keeps A Couple Of Secrets To Himself +Bush Hides U.S. Report Card In Sock Drawer +Grandmother Will Live On In Arguments Over Her Wedding China +Hollywood Plans Big-Budget Remake Of Mr. & Mrs. Smith +Cheney Shoots 78-Year-Old Man +Bush's Tax Cuts Permanent +Alabama Churches Burned +Alex Rodriguez Pulls Out Of World Baseball Classic Because Everyone Else Is Doing It +Onion Sports 2006 Winter Olympics Preview +Wal-Mart To Carry Morning-After Pill? +Football Hall Of Fame Announces Finalists For Advertisers’ Wing +African Child Loves His 'World Champion Seahawks' T-Shirt +Dad Retires After Watching Football For 25 Years +February 11, 1945 +I Don't Wonder What Jesse Camp Is Up To These Days +I Am But A Vessel Through Which God Drones On Indefinitely +Investigative Reporter Ruins Fish Sticks For Everybody +New Software Yellows Neglected Digital Photos Over Time +NASA Completely Forgot Probe Was Returning Today +Area Woman To Celebrate Quiet Women's History Month At Home This Year +Mark-Paul Gosselaar Obviously Authored Own IMDb Trivia +Wal-Mart Parking Lot Puts Municipal Parking Lot Out Of Business +EPA Warns Of Dangerous Levels Of Romance In Air +White House Debuts Iraq War Infomercial +Millions Of Americans Succumbing To Sudden Elder Death Syndrome +AOL To Charge For E-Mail +Most Fertile Irish Male Found +Danish Cartoons Offend European Muslims +Polluting Nations Endorse Greenhouse-Gas Plan +Army Extends 50,000 Soldiers' Tours of Duty In Iraq +Brett Favre's Retirement Decision To Disappoint Fans Either Way +Roger Federer Admits Tennis His Fourth-Favorite Sport +Analysts Predicting Most Evenly Matched Blowout In Super Bowl History +NFL Hopes Rolling Stones Will Attract 18-To-55 Male Demographic +Piazza: 'I'm Just Excited To Be Able To Finish My Career Somewhere' +Barry Bonds: 'I Won't Retire Until I've Tarnished Every Record In The Book' +My Dead Kid's Foundation Kicked Your Dead Kid's Foundation's Ass +I Love The Idea Of My Wife +Man Who Does Everything At Last Minute Wonders How You Do It +Vegetarian Can't Bring Self To Eat IHOP's Funny Face Pancakes +Eighty Percent Of Al-Qaeda No. 2s Now Dead +ABC Cancels Acting With The Stars +MPAA Unveils Rating System Based On Old Testament +TV Blamed For Rise In Formulaic Violence +President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals +Black Box Records Last 90 Minutes Of Hot-Air Balloon Crash +Area Family Likes Car So Much They Live In It +February 2, 1922 +State Of The Union +Graceland Designated A National Landmark +A.J. Pierzynski Predicts He Will Lead League In Offensiveness +Scheduling Error Leads To First-Ever NCAA Final Five +Bruins Offer Coaching, Front-Office, Playing Position To Ray Bourque +Steinbrenner Names Johnny Damon As New Yankee Scapegoat +33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill +George Mason Player Upsets Mother With Last-Second Long-Distance Call From Way Downtown +No Canoe Can Hold Me +It's Funny How What You're Saying Relates To My Novel +Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched +Joel Siegel 'Absolutely Loved' Dream He Had Last Night +Alternative-Medicine Practitioner Refuses Alternative Method Of Payment +Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster' +Sitcom Writer On Deathbed Thinks Of All The Zany Plots He'll Never Write +Raccoons Force Garage Band Into Attic +Dove Campaign For Real Beauty Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate +WWE: Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want +Chief Of Staff Resigns +Scholarships Going To Whites +Microsoft Vista Delayed +Reactors Contaminate Groundwater +Terrell Owens Calls Dallas 'A Good Place To Spend The Summer' +Injury-Free U.S. Team Deems World Baseball Classic 'A Complete Success' +Bradley University Wants To Bring NCAA Title Back To Middle Of Nowhere +U.S. House Hardly Working +Ichiro: 'The Best Part About Playing For My Country Was Not Playing For The Seattle Mariners' +World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner's Job +NBC Universal Buying iVillage +South Park vs. Scientology +March 25, 1989 +Bush Pressed To Change Staff +We Can No Longer Sustain This Level Of Interest In Current Events +Who Would Leave A Perfectly Good Fabric Softener Sample In My Mailbox? +Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist +Terrorism Fan Site Full Of Spoilers +Man Just Using Virgin Mary To Get To Jesus +Constructionist Supreme Court To Revisit Women's Suffrage +Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile +Study: High Times Not A Gateway Magazine To Harder Readings +Soup Kitchen Thinks It Can Solve The World's Problems With Soup +Rumsfeld: Iraqis Now Capable Of Conducting War Without U.S. Assistance +Terrorist Hero Of New Film +Kent State Basketball Team Massacred By Ohio National Guard In Repeat Of Classic 1970 Matchup +Feingold Calls For Bush Censure +LeBron James On Pace To Become Youngest Player To Turn 22 +Redick, Morrison To Share 'Larry Bird Trophy For Certain Intangibles' +NHL Trade Deadline Passes Without Single Noticeable Change +Report: ESPN's Around The Horn May Be Fixed +Ambien Increasingly Blamed for Auto Accidents +Slobodan Milosevic Dead +You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House +I Wonder What Kind Of Message I'm Sending To The Troops +Marketing Scientists Successfully Map The Human Heartstrings +Report: Many Jobs Lack Benefits To Cut +Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor +Bush Increasingly Focused On How Revisionist History Will See Him +Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles +Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn +Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He's Single +New Poll Finds 86 Percent Of Americans Don't Want To Have A Country Anymore +Meth Puts Strain On ERs +Bald Eagles Thriving +Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone Who Has Ever Watched Baseball +Five Percent Of U.S. Workers Are Illegal Aliens +Todd Helton Disappointed To Be On Area Man's Fantasy-Baseball Team +NBA Analysts: If Playoffs Started Today, They Would Be Over By A Decent Time +Deadlifting Championship Once Again Won By Transylvania +Pro Bass Fisherman Explains Life To Son Through Complicated Bass-Fishing Metaphors +Army Recruitment On Campus +Japanese Cars On Top +Altruism Mocked +Perfect Attendance Credited To Abusive Household +Paul Giamatti Lauded For Supporting Role In Area Murder +Classic Boring +Why Can't Our Family Be More Like The Entenmanns? +We Must Expand Our Nuclear Power Program If We're To Realize Our Dream Of Superhero Mutants +Mover Regales Area Man With Story Of Time He Moved Dresser Just Like This One +Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies +'Iraqi Gandhi' Preaches Slightly Less Violence +Dozens Trapped In Candlelight Vigil For Coal Miners +Smart Aleck Ruins Academy Awards +Bush Knew About Katrina +Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor +Report: Vince Young May Not Be Smart Enough To Play In NFL +Knicks Trade Draft Pick To Raptors In Exchange For Three Wins +ESPN Anchors Admit They've All Had Crush On Linda Cohn At Some Point +Google Losing Steam +Cross-Country Champ Wishes He Were Good At Sports +South Dakota Abortion Ban +Mexican Immigrants Call For A Day of Action +Matt Leinart Wins Beauty Contest Portion Of NFL Draft +Ron Artest Issues Vague Threat Of 'Return To Form' In Game 3 +Jorge Posada's New Children's Book A Thinly Veiled Attack On Yankee Management +Gitmo Prisoner Names Released +Returned 2004 World Series Ball: 'Doug Mientkiewicz Physically And Mentally Abused Me' +Keith Hernandez Narrowing Down List Of Places Women Do And Don't Belong +Fabulous Trash +Is Opening Week Too Soon To See A 9/11 Movie? +Bush Calls Cabinet Meeting To Get Story Straight +EPA Didn't Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water +Calculus Problem Hits Too Close To Home +Scholars Discover 23 Blank Pages That May As Well Be Lost Samuel Beckett Play +Kidnappers Realize They Have No Idea What Child Is Worth +Search For Wallet Self-Narrated +Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing +Grease Fire Rages Through Midwest +Bush Promotes Hydrogen As Alternative Fuel Source +Many More Chernobyl Victims? +TomKitten's Silent Birth +Barry Zito Demands Trade To World Without War +283 Children Killed In Minor League Baseball Team's 'Kill Your Children' Promotion +Injured Pacer Eddie Gill Wins NBA's 12th Man Award +Aaron Baddeley Wins Tournament Tiger Woods Would Have Won Had He Been There +Pedro Martinez Credits Success To Lucky Midget, Sun God, Magic Beads +Former Illinois Governor Found Guilty Of Fraud +Sound of Children's Laughter Music To Disney Focus-Group Leader's Ears +Compliment Of Pants Sounds Suspiciously Like Intent To Steal Them +Pope Benedict Asks If It's Too Late To Change Name +Obese Doctors Urge Nation To Eat Three Meals A Meal +NAACP Calls For More Diversity In Police Lineups +Drunk Will Show You, Everybody +iTunes To Sell You Your Home Videos For $1.99 Each +Beaver Overthinking Dam +Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter +Baby, You Mean The World Of Warcraft To Me +This Chemical Imbalance In My Brain Is Driving Me Crazy +Rumsfeld Under Attack +Christian Student Sues For Right To Hate Speech +New Healthier Pigs +Gospel Of Judas Found +Jimmy Rollins Extends Non-Sequential-Game Hit Streak +Packers To Favre: 'Take Your Time, Asshole' +NBA Praises Julius Hodge For Getting Shot In Non-Controversial Fashion +Plans To Nuke Iran +Frank Robinson Spends One-Game Suspension Clenching Fists In Anger +Dusty Baker Not Worried About Cubs' Hot Start +How Can I Put A Price On My Wife's Head? +I Really Have To Get My Magic Act Together +Many Senators Developing Simple Tools For Governing +Air India Now Offers Business Caste Seating +Man's Streak Of Getting Great Parking Spot Ends At 37 +Redundancy Built Into TV Show To Protect Against Failure +Slipped Disc Celebrates 10th Year As Excuse For Everything +Texas Oil Buffoon Pumping 8,000 Barrels Of Oil Into Ground Every Day +Friendship With Homeless Man One-Sided +MIT Fraternity Accused Of Robot Hazing +NY Post Extortion Scandal +Couric Leaving Today +First 9/11 Film Coming +First Brazilian In Space +Peter Gammons Predicts He Will Finish Season Lonely And Depressed +Everyone In NCAA Head Office Wins NCAA Office Pool +Reggie Bush Unable To Run, Carry Ball At Same Time During Workout For Pro Scouts +Duke University Equestrian Team Hoping To Avoid Investigation Into Their Sex Scandal +Commentator Charles Barkley Objects To Hall Of Fame Induction Of Suns Forward Charles Barkley +Moussaoui May Be Executed +Tom DeLay To Pursue Corruption In Private Sector +I'm So Stoked About M:I:3's Marketing Campaign +My Adopted Daughter Is The Most Beautiful Child In The Third World +Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall +Goddamn Findings Fail To Support Researcher's Hypothesis +Earth Passed Over For Invasion +Area Woman Always Has Something Quirky To Do +Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough +Entire Train Ride Spent Deciding If, When To Use Bathroom +Detroit Sold For Scrap +Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization +Tom DeLay Resigns +Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid +Abramoff Gets 70 Months +Who's A Girl Gotta Fuck To Get Some Closure On Her Relationship With Her Father? +Today's Funeral-Goers Want To Be Entertained +Workplace Shooting Planned On Company Time +Secret Service Agent Not So Secret About Being David Alan Grier Fan +Critics Blast Al Gore's Documentary As 'Realistic' +New Triple-X Dinosaur Park Opens In Nevada +Bush Seals Seized Records +Israeli PM: 'One More Suicide Bombing And I'll Give Them Whatever They Want' +Recently Unearthed E-Mail Reveals What Life Was Like In 1995 +School Monitors Student Blogs +Series Finale Of Will & Grace Ends Eight-Year Truce Between Gay, Straight Communities +U.S. Proposes European Missile Defense System +Columbia House Launches Subscription Meds Program +.xxx Rejected +May 26, 1996 +Ricky Williams: 'I'm Looking Forward To Being A Toronto Hydroponic' +MLB To Place Asterisk, Pound Sign, Exclamation Point, Letter 'F' Next To Bonds' Name In Record Books +MLB Fines Russ Springer Negative $50,000 For Throwing At Bonds +Doctors: Still 50-50 Chance That Broken Bone Will Mean Euthanasia For Matsui +Columbine Video Game Stirs Controversy +Tim Duncan Fires Up Teammates With Calm, Moderated, Three-Hour Pep Talk +There's No One I Haven't Seen Naked +Hillary Clinton Is Too Ambitious To Be The First Female President +Many Native Americans Still Hold Traditional Beliefs About White Man +Savion Glover Taps His Way Out Of Another Speeding Ticket +Bush Puts National Guard In Charge Of Public Relations +Pregnant Woman Glows With Rage +Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2 +Beloved's Controversial Award +Chinese Employers To Grant 15-Minute Maternity Break +Italian Troops Out Of Iraq +NSA Spying On Journalists +Insecure Brian Williams Only One Who Doesn't Trust Brian Williams For Latest News +Da Vinci Code Released +Don Knotts, Richard Pryor Team Up For Madcap Haunting +Libya To Help U.S.Spread Democracy +Overacting Manu Ginobili Takes Charge, Plays Dead +Mad Sabermetrician Creates The Perfect Baseball Player's Statistics +Frank Thomas Draws Greatest Walk In Baseball History +American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences +Report: President Isiah Thomas Has No Exit Strategy For Knicks +Heroic Computer Dies To Save World From Master's Thesis +Estate Sale Proves Everything Man Worked For In Life Worth $5,235.78 +Ailing Americans Eagerly Await Summer Organ Harvest +Oil Executives March On D.C. +Troops To Darfur +CIA Nominee Violated Privacy +Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much? +After 25 Years, I Finally Figured Out How To Impress High-School Girls +Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do +Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up +Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite +Boy's Whale-Song Imitation Not Helping Anything +U.S. Infant-Mortality High +Drug Tested On Children +Steve Nash Calls Second Consecutive MVP Award 'Some Kind Of Sick Joke' +Jim Leyland Accused Of Jumping On Tigers Bandwagon +Spurs Issue Press Release Announcing Their Elimination of Kings +Bruins Sign Future Flyers All-Star To Three-Year Deal +Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract +Iran's President Offers Advice +347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute +Sherpa Can Already Tell You're Not Going To Make It +Congressman Fucks Own Wife Out Of Political Necessity +High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera +I Can't Believe I'm Dying In Such A Clichéd Manner +I'm Doing My Inconsequential Part For The Environment +Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language +Hormel Makes Compelling Case For Man's Last $2.39 +Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are +New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive +Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab +British: UFOs Aren't Real +Al-Jazeera In English? +FDA Still Against Medical Pot +Billy Crystal Finds Way To Talk About Loving Mickey Mantle At Charity Golf Event +Johnny Damon Probably Thinking About Starting A Band +Conditions Ideal For Eating Competition +Wig-Wearing Mike Tyson Retires From Foxy-Boxing +SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed +Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set +Sorry To Bother, But Might You Have An EpiPen I Can Use Immediately? +I Know Why The Mounted Fish Sings +Hussein Court Shocked By Ironclad Alibi +Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You +Life Coach Has Losing Record +Comic-Book Superrman Impervious To Copyediting +Roommate Deemed Too Incompetent To Clean Bathroom +Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage +NASA Announces Plan To Launch $700 Million Into Space +Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs +Midwest Mumps Epidemic +Diamond Dave Axed Again +Bush's New Press Secretary +Global Warming Irreversible +Perfect Response To Heckler Somewhere In Prop Comedian's Trunk +Marriage Teeming With Sexual Tension +Experts: 'This Is The Year' +Amnesty International Report Blasts United States, China +Disabled List Offers Mark Prior Two-Year, $8 Million Extension +July 4, 1937 +NASCAR/Make-A-Wish Partnership Allows Kids To Achieve Dreams Mere Moments Before Death +Somalia Defeats Rwanda To Win Third-World Cup +Sportscaster Claims You Hate To See That +Alan Colmes' Death Goes Unreported On Hannity & Colmes +Coffee Counteracts Alcohol +We Must Preserve The Earth's Dwindling Resources For My Five Children +There's No Way I'm Saving That Guy +Government To Defend Marriage From Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq. +McCain, Feingold Co-Sponsor Chain Of Integrity-Themed Eateries +UN Taking Guns? +Professor Pressured To Sleep With Student For Good Course Evaluation +Report: Many Americans Too Willing To Ask For Help +Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide +Baggage-Handling Mix-Up Sends Dirty Bomb To St. Louis +Hussein Judge Hoping For Fair, Speedy Assassination +Death Penalty For Hussein? +Kinko's Manager Hopes Child Stays Missing A Little Longer +A-Rod Shipped Back To Manufacturer To Fix Mechanical Flaw In Swing +ESPN2 Experiments With Broadcasting NBA Finals From Dan Patrick's Point Of View +Carolina Residents Confused, Terrified As Victorious Hurricane Players Riot In Streets +TBS's Department Of Humor Analysis Fails To Find Humor In Braves Games +Report: David Segui's Awesome Parents Let Him Use Human Growth Hormone +Pentagon: Gay Equals Crazy +Adult-Proof Ringtone +Coworker Even A Dick In His Expense Reports +Area Woman Fulfills Dream Of Becoming Writer By Getting Job At Bookstore +Is Anyone On This Bus Interested In Disciplining My Son? +Report: U.S. May Have Been Abused During Formative Years +No One At Porn Site Responding To Area Man's Bad Link Report +I'm Not One Of Those Fancy College-Educated Doctors +Whaling Ban Nearly Killed +Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD +New Roommate Always There +Exhausted Video Editor Can't Tell If Blooper Reel Is Funny Anymore +Gates To Leave Microsoft +Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks +National Meat Surplus +Mackey Sasser: 'Hey Everybody, Look At Me, I Took Steroids—I'm Mackey Sasser And I Took Steroids' +Home Depot Criticized For Pledging $10 Billion To American Cancer Society For Every Padres Home Run +Justin Gatlin: 'Under The Right Conditions, I Can Run The 100 In 3.2 seconds' +Phil Mickelson's U.S. Open Strategy Includes Telling Loud, Touching Stories About Living Father +Devastated By U.S. World Cup Team's First-Round Loss, Nation Grinds To Halt +No Charges For Rove +Two Hundred Spam E-Mails Can't Be Wrong +Iran Ready To Talk About How Awesome Nuclear Program Is +Fiona Apple Song Reminds Girl To Be Depressed +Mad Lit Professor Puts Finishing Touches On Bloomsday Device +Parole Board Swayed By Reverse Psychology +AIDS Turns 25 +Pope Makes First Papal Visit To Six Flags +Why Doesn't My Code Get Its Own Movie? +Hotels.com Information Stolen +Surgeon General Issues Report On Dangers Of Secondhand Fire +Sony Unveils New Model Customer +Al-Zarqawi Dead +Military Funeral Protests Banned +Jon Lovitz Says Income From Subway Commercials Allows Him A Certain Creative Freedom +Gay-Marriage Amendment +Mavericks To Incorporate Machetes Into Hack-A-Shaq Defense +Joe Torre: 'Experimenting With Different Lineups Is An Addictive, Dangerous Game' +Lance Armstrong Just Glad International Cycling Union Doesn't Test For Heroin +Titans Require Steve McNair To Pass Notary-Public Exam Before Returning To Team +Adam Morrison Successfully Misses Easy Layups During Workout For Raptors +My Life Would Make A Great Midseason Replacement Sitcom +You Never Truly Retire From Grocery-Bagging +Child Blissfully Unaware Of Motel Swimming Pool's Sordid Past +Paul McCartney's Mix-CD For New Girlfriend A Little Self-Indulgent +Commercial Blasted For Product Placement +Kim Jong-Il Doesn't Know How He Keeps Winning Lottery +Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion +Canada Terror Plot +New Batwoman: Lesbian +NSA Wiretap Reveals Subject May Be Paying Too Much For Long-Distance +DHS Cuts New York Defense +Rogue Scientist Has Own Scientific Method +Avoiding The Anti-Christ +Area Mother Can Only Imagine What Son Is Eating Right Now +M.I.A. Denied Visa +Recent Cardinals Call-Up Trying Too Hard To Befriend Albert Pujols +Golfer Brad Faxon Cracks On Budweiser Hot Seat +Marco Andretti Follows In Father's Footsteps By Not Winning Indy 500 +UFC Fan Only Watches For Joe Rogan's Expert Analysis +Royals Hire Tom Emanski To Teach Them Fundamentals Of Baseball +Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting +Chicago Mandates Living Wage +Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins +Mass Transit Use Increases +Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison +Nonprofit Fights Poverty With Poverty +July 17, 1963 +Motocrosser Quits After Learning Physics +Grieving Tiger Woods Convinced Everyone Let Him Win British Open +Israel Requests NATO Help +Negro Leagues Hall Of Fame Indicts Ty Cobb +Tony Stewart Calls Upcoming Allstate 400 'A Great Opportunity To Kill Someone' +A-Rod Also Leading Yankees In Grammatical Errors +Nuclear Waste Accumulating +Illiterate Spirit Frustrates Ouija- Board Players +Boyfriend Not To Be Trusted With Netflix Queue +I'm Thinking About Getting Into Office Politics +I Just Assumed The Hobo With The Top Hat Was The One In Charge +Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence +Postmaster General Loses Laptop; Zip-Code Data Of Millions At Risk +Orlando Murder Rate Up +Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision On Failure To Detect Pane Of Glass +Voting Rights Act Extended +Report: Everything Made In Sweatshops +Report: 47% Of Satellites Currently Monitoring Celebrity Parenting +Area Senior Suspects Grandchild's Visit Just Some Sort Of Class Assignment +Stem-Cell Science Vetoed +U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead +Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy +Jose Canseco Names 10,000 Baseball Players +Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing +CBS Laser-Etches Eggs +Mascot Community Still Reeling After Benny The Bull's Misdemeanor Battery Charge +PNC Park Threatens To Leave Pittsburgh Unless Better Team Is Built +July 20, 1925 +Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco +International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One +Old Gypsy Woman Run Over Without Consequence +Child Assured Most Monsters Do Not Exist +Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again +I Kinda Had A Breakdown +Scratch 'N Win Ballots To Debut In November +Bush Quietly Rolls Back Iraq Death Toll To Zero +North Korea Keeps Nukes +U.S. Trendsetters Go On Strike +$18 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson +Deadlocked Supreme Court: 'Someone's Voting Twice' +Hypoallergenic Cats +Snooping Andre Agassi Suspects Fellow Players Planning Surprise Retirement Party For Him +Vatican Against ‘Ethical’ Stem Cells +Freshman Running Back Wondering If Other Four Freshmen Running Backs Were Told They'd Start This Year +Al-Qaeda's No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run +T.O. In Dallas: The Next Michael Irvin Or The Next Michael Irvin? +European Golfers Taking Ryder Cup Way Too Seriously, Says American Squad +NFL Training-Camp Survivors Too Traumatized To Talk About Experience +Harris: Non-Christian Politicians 'Legislate Sin' +Do My Empty Threats Mean Nothing To You? +Misinterpreted Foreign Business Gestures +Police Dog Successfully Brings Down Fugitive Frisbee +Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think +Girl, Smoove Will Not Be Able To Attend Your Wedding +Survivor To Be Segregated +7th Heaven Celebrates 100th Underage Drinking Episode +Parasite Regrets Choosing Adam Carolla As Host +Camaro Coming Back +Right Guy To Fuck With Identified +10 O’Clock News Team Relying Heavily On Work Of 6 O’Clock News Team +Human Evolution Gene Discovered +Résumé Font Offends Employer +Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary +Bus Driver Appears To Have Had Rough Summer +College Freshman Already Loves It +Teacher Sees Potential In Student With Glasses +Back-To-School Cheating Tips +New 'Baby Weinstein' Tapes Prepare Infants For Career In Entertainment Law +Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch +Mets Acquire Guillermo Mota From Indians In Daring Midnight Raid +Ken Griffey Jr. Diagnosed With Hamstring Cancer +Missile Numbers Reclassified +Yankees–Red Sox Rivalry Running Dangerously Low On Storylines +Tiger Woods Credits Win To Equipment +August 24, 1914 +War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion +Tide Of War Turns After Rumsfeld's Inspiring Barracks Pep Talk +National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again +Child-Porn Lite +Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood +Expensive Medical Treatments +Sensors Indicate You're Settin' Up For A Kickass Party +Lawrence The T-1 Connection Guy Hit Of White-Collar Comedy Tour +Court Rules Against Warrantless Wiretapping +Verizon Introduces New Charge-You-At-Whim Plan +JonBenet Suspect Confesses +Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out +Snakes On A Plane +Area Man Just Ruined It For Everyone +Girl Moved To Tears By 'Of Mice And Men' Cliffs Notes +Area Man Finally Lands Dream Salary +Randy Johnson Asks Chien-Ming Wang For Some Pitching Advice For A Pitcher Friend Of His +Dikembe Mutombo Donates $15 Million Sports Arena To Congo +Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central +Brett Favre Fitted For New Suit Before Sold-Out Lambeau Field Crowd +Junior Seau Retires To Spend More Time Tackling His Kids +Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries +Unabomber's Possessions To Be Auctioned Off +Rising Oil Prices +Bumper Nilla Crop Spells Profit For Wafer Growers +When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back +Three Of Man's Closest Relationships With Brands +Misremember The Alamo! +Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign +Paranormal Expert Bores Son With Ghost Story +U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts +Pluto Not A Planet? +Dewey Decimal System Helpless To Categorize New Jim Belushi Book +Only Guy Who Puts Paper In Copier Considers Himself A Hero +Texas Penguin Truck Accident +Teen Drowns Right In Middle Of Grief Counselor's First Date In Two Years +New Terror Plot Stopped +Iraq Beheading Videos Enter Summer Reruns +Castro Passes Pitching Duties To Brother While Undergoing Tommy John Surgery +Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office +Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought +Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame +Ailing Buck O'Neil Fails To Gain Admission To Hospital +Lieberman Defeated in Primary +Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits +No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder +Having A Gardener Is A Wonderful Hobby +Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives +Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend +My Use Of Simile Sucks As Bad As The River Tide +New Oliver Stone 9/11 Film Introduces 'Single Plane' Theory +Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More +Minimum Wage Hike Blocked +Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill +Loud Fake Laugh Misinterpreted As Loud Real Laugh In Critical Sarcasm Miscalculation +Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business" +Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It +Executive Reschedules Wife's Birthday For October +Drunken Gibson Offends Cops +Experts: 'Derek Jeter Probably Didn't Need To Jump To Throw That Guy Out' +Matt Leinart Demands Cardinals Hold Training Camp At His House +Harold Reynolds Tests Positive For Elevated Levels Of Testosterone +Toronto Raptors Sign Unusually Tall Man +Report: Your Favorite Player Took Steroids +August 5, 1914 +Nation Faces Record Heat +Report: Meat Now America's No. 2 Condiment +I Demand Justice-Themed TV Dramas +Ladies, This Is As Handsome As I'm Going To Get +Starfucker Gives Stephen Baldwin A Hand Job +Cuban Leadership Passed To Castro's Brother +Woman In Coffee Shop Judges A Record 147 People +Universal Health Care For San Francisco +Critics Accuse Joe Biden Of Running For President For Political Reasons +Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self +New Air-Travel Guidelines +Native Bostonians Unable To Defend Land From Invading College Students +Senate Wins Fight To Lower Allowable Amperage Levels On Detainees' Testicles +Small Businessman Conducts Business On Miniature Golf Course +Bud Selig Nervously Informs Ozzie Guillen That White Sox Aren't Making Playoffs +Trevor Hoffman: 'I Want To Be A Hall Of Famer Right Now' +Frank Thomas Credits Recent Power Surge To Steroids +Uwe Boll Boxes Critics +Seahawks Asked To Stop Piping Screams Of Terrified Women Into Qwest Field +Overjoyed Saints Fans Tear Roof Off Reopened Superdome +Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple +Opposition To John Bolton +More TVs Than People +A Career In Business Isn't For Every Gender +New Job Posting On Craigslist Clearly For Secretary Of The Interior +My Bloodline Would Mix Well With That Of An Advanced Reptilian Race +Senatorial Candidate Challenges Opponent To Drop Out Of Race +War Makes U.S. Less Safe +Report: Iranian Science Teachers May Be Enriching Students +$2 Billion Environment Pledge +Struggling Blockbuster Eliminates Rental Fees +Beekeeper Slowly Becoming Bee Hoarder +TBS Once Again Leads All Networks In Leslie Nielsen Ratings +Bloodless Thai Coup +Crack Dealer Only Tenant Landlord Can Depend On For Rent +Pectoral Muscles Targeted By Fitness Fundamentalists +Maurice Clarett Shows Up Late For Prison Camp +Alfonso Soriano Regrets Joining 40-40 Club After Meeting Other Members +Koren Robinson Promises His Next Drunk-Driving Incident Will Outdo Steve Foley's +Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees +Reggie Bush Claims He Made $100,000 Through USC Work-Study Program +Willie Nelson Busted For Pot +Pope Apologizes To Muslims +My Grief Has Taken The Form Of Go-Karting +I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out +Super Priest Can Turn Anything Into Body, Blood Of Christ +Massive Tag Body Spray Slick Spreading From Jersey Shore +Home Sales Dropping +2nd Autopsy For Anna Nicole's Son +Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Gerrymandered To Serve King Friday's Make-Believe Agenda +New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks +Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavor +Horse Meat Banned +Uninvited Guest Rapper Ruins Album +Author Too Much Of A Pussy To Kill Off Characters +Senile Mother A Broken Novelty Record +Care For 9/11 Illness +Work Up, Pay Down +Florida State University To Phase Out Academic Operations By 2010 +Local Pool-Club Record-Holder Upset To Hear Michael Phelps Just Joined +Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List +LeBron James Amazed At 21-Year-Old's Ability To Stay Up All Night Studying For Physics Exam +Spinning Bow Tie Costs Rick Moranis Celebrity Poker Tournament +Jimmy Buffett Pays For Own Drink For First Time In 17 Years +Sexy Lyrics, Sexual Teens +White-Collar Prison Is A Great Networking Opportunity +New Anti-Terrorism Strategy +I Have A Thing For Asia +Sweat-Stain-Dating Technology Unlocks Age Of Assistant Managers +Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse +Cigarettes Have More Nicotine +Hero Firefighter Loses Lifelong Battle With Fire +Ghostwriter Taking A Few Creative Liberties With Paul Reiser's Life +More Deadbeat Granddads Failing To Make Birthday Payments +NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole +New Oil Field Discovered +Quiet Guy Mistaken For Nice Guy +CNN's Chilling 9/11 Tribute +Bartender Developing A Remarkable Tolerance For Alcoholics +Summer Intern Already Forgotten +Sept. 6, 1997 +Post-Game Comments Reveal A-Rod Unsure Whether Yankees Won Or Lost +A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo +Bush: 'History Cannot Judge Me If I End It Soon' +The Media: Are They Ganging Up On A-Rod? +A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' +Alex Rodriguez Placed On Emotionally Disabled List +Immigration Rallies Smaller +U.S. Planes Kill Canadian +Airport Security Oversights +Any Idiot Could Have Come Up With The Car +When I Die, Scatter My Ashes On A Naked Lady +Cubans: New Dictator Doing It All Wrong +Caltech Physicists Successfully Split The Bill +Rob Schneider Lands Role Originally Written For Chimp +Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44 +Area Dad Suspicious Of Car Parked Across Street +Video Games To Have Ads +Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic +Make-A-Wish Recipient Now Wishes Macho Man Randy Savage Would Go Away +Nebraska State Trooper In Klan +Stripper Does Adequate Job +Science Disproves Vampires +Kim Jong-Il Interprets Sunrise As Act Of War +GOP Throws All Financial Support Behind One Candidate +Brunch Livened Up By Jazz Trio's Violent Breakup +Twin Cities To Host '08 RNC +Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth 'Bring Yourself To Work Day' +Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage +Oscars Create New Truman Capote Biopic Category +Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story +‘Stay The Course’ No More +Excited Juror Feels Like Murder Trial Being Put On Just For Her +Ben Roethlisberger Relieved To Suffer Football-Related Injury +Portland Trail Blazers Get Hint After Being Left Off 2006-07 NBA Schedule +Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay Game +Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World Series +World Series Overshadowed By Thrilling New MLB Labor Agreement +Catholic Church Must Pay For Contraceptives +Daylight Saving Time Yields Massive Daylight Surplus +You're All In This Together +I Think We Should Start Talking About Starting A Band +DNA Evidence Frees Man After 15 Years Of Marriage +Events Leading Up To N. Korea Nuclear Test +Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars +9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains +Scuba Diver Expressing Either Joy Or Terror +Area Man Misses Rental Car +Martin Scorsese's Next Film To Be Three Hours Of Begging For Oscar +Computer Makers Die More +Mills: McCartney Abusive +Hero Dog Fills Out Hospital Paperwork +10-Percent Tip Teaches Waitress Valuable Lesson +Indonesian Mother Sews Halloween Costumes For 60,000 Children +Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs Manager Is To Resign +Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor +Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is +Madonna's Adoption Flak +Zdeno Chara Out Two To Three Periods With Fractured Skull, Broken Leg +Tim Duncan Releases Decade Worth Of Pent-Up Emotion After Spurs Preseason Loss +Fake Degrees In Government +I Can't Stop Thinking About The Foreign-Policy Discussion We Had In The Shower Yesterday +Studio 60 Was Better When It First Came Out +Streisand Farewell Tour +N. Korea Detonates 40 Years Of GDP +Richard Branson's Global-Warming Donation Nearly As Much As Cost Of Failed Balloon Trips +U.S. Hits 300 Million People +Iraqi Leaders Call For Moment Of Violence During Ramadan +Area Man Going To Go Ahead And Consider That A Date +CBGB's Closes Down +Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room +Area Woman Emotionally Invested In Jennifer Aniston's Well-Being +Yankee Crashes Plane In NYC +National Trust For Historic Preservation To Pay For Andy Rooney's Upkeep +DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents +Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung +Google Buys YouTube +Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks +Reggie Bush On First NFL Touchdown: 'That Was It?' +Remaining MLB Playoff Teams Say Things More Relaxed Without Yankees Around +Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back +George Steinbrenner Fires Tigers +U.S. Cryptographers: 'FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn' +Ground-Beef Recall +Couple Doesn't Deserve Deck +Republican Reaction To Foley Scandal +Show Us The Slurry! +Chasing Tornadoes Is All I Have +Bush Urges Expanded Drilling Of Alaskan Wildlife +Bin Laden's Mother Worried Sick +Magazine Editor Undergoes Sleek New Redesign +North Korea Nuke Test +Area Man Finally Finds Bodymate +Proud Cystic-Fibrosis Foundation Doesn't Need Your Charity +KISS Guitarist Denied Royalties +Breast-Fed Babies No Smarter +Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty +World's Youngest Person Born +Miguel Tejada Claims He's Never Heard Of Jason Grimsley, Steroids, Orioles +Experts Predict No NL Team Will Go Deep Into Playoffs +Netflix $1 Million Offer +Suspended Tackle Albert Haynesworth: 'I Just Wanted To Make Sure The Guy Was Dead' +Britney Spears Loses Custody Of Child To In Touch Magazine +Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery +Hungry Bears Defense Feeds On Soldier Field Crowd +Rash Of School Shootings +Apple Claiming The Term "Pod" +I'm Going To Be A Star +I Didn't Ask To Be A Role Model For My Kids +Tourist Experiences City By Buying Used CDs +Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise +Representative Foley Resigns +Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight +New Therapist Obsessed With Old Therapist +Green-Conscious GE Develops Hybrid Lightbulb +Underfunded School Lacks Resources To Calculate Student-To-Teacher Ratio +Microsoft Releases Security Patch +Giants Inform Titans They Can Hear Post-Game Comments From Other Room +Memphis Grizzlies Ask For Two Weeks Off To Practice +Michelle Wie Announces Plans To Compete In LPGA Tournament +Derek Jeter Dating Jessica Biel, Repeatedly Reports Derek Jeter +Bill Walton Spends Entire Lakers Broadcast Gushing About His Son +Bush In Jordan +Visiting Parents Do Their Best To Praise Son's New Apartment +Iraq Now Longer Than WWII +Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution +Not One Of Those People +Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing +Area Man Never Leaves House Without Putting On Lucky Everything +Boyfriend Ready To Take Relationship To Previous Level +I Am The Product Of A Single-Nanny Household +Focus Groups Hated It Right Up Until Guy's Head Got Cut Off +PlayStation 3 vs. Nintendo Wii +Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too +Troop Morale Boosted By Surprise Visit From First Dog +Local News Anchor Mistakenly Reveals Salary During Broadcast +Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes +Robert Altman Dead +Pierce Brosnan Offended By Way New James Bond Holds Gun +Americans Give Thanks +Ohio State Defeats Michigan 42-39 In Ultimately Meaningless Game +Colts Claim To Still Be Undefeated: 'We Beat Ourselves' +Alfonso Soriano: 'I Am Excited To Play For $136 Million' +Jimmie Johnson Forgives Lug Nut That Almost Cost Him Nextel Cup +Eagles Fans Fully Expect Donovan McNabb To Play With Torn ACL +Scavenger-Hunt Party 'Not Leaving Without Twine' +Nov. 21, 1943 +Former KGB Spy Poisoned +Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World +People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One +I Was Placed On This Earth To Put Off Doing Something Extraordinary +CNN Renews 'This Week At War' For Next Eight Seasons +Detecting Children's Drug Use +O.J. Confession Book Cancelled +Killer Swears Girl Was In Two Pieces When He Left Her +Boxing Gym Gives Inner-City Youths An Opportunity To Punch Each Other Indoors +End-Life Crisis Marked By Extravagant Spending Spree +Theater Major Has Too Long Borne Shakespeare Teacher's Blunt Upbraidings, Bitter Scoffs +Male Birth-Control Pill +Web Hits 100 Million Sites +African Children Given 30,000 Unused 'Save Darfur' T-Shirts +New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile +Tampa Bay Buccaneers Take Chance On Long-Lost Fourth Manning Brother +Two Kinds Of Humans +John Madden Reminds Viewers Of Importance Of Quarterback To NFL Teams +Tom Brady To Learn Receivers' Names By End Of Month +Pop-Up To Second-Baseman Reminds Sportswriter Of Relationship With Father +David Stern Feels Uneasy In Presence Of Basketball Players +DHS: Individual Al-Qaeda Operative Assigned To Each American Family +Cell-Phone Infertility +New Ed McMahon Autobiography Reveals He Slept With 7 Women +I'll Give Birth Anywhere +Reasons For Britney Spears' Divorce +I Don't Make My Jukebox Selections For The Recognition +Guy 'Just Giving You A Hard Time' Truly Despises You +Report: More U.S. Soldiers Suffering From Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder +'C-List Celebrity Killer' Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who's Next +Microsoft Releases New Patch +Personal Assistant Called After Scary Dream +Laid-Off Ford Employee Decides To Start Own Car Company +Ed Bradley Dies +English Teacher On First Date In Ages Lets Dangling Modifier Slide +Third-Party Cola Demands Ad-Campaign-Finance Reform +Evangelical Haggard Claims He Was Molested By Republican Congressman +Ortega's Return to Nicaragua +Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch +Casual NASCAR Fan Fails To Appreciate Subtleties Of Eight-Car Crash +Heisman Candidate Promises Voters Free Health Care, Lower Taxes +ESPN Online Chat With Buster Olney Reveals He's Illiterate +Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass +Evangelical Pastor Under Fire +Rumsfeld: 'My Half-Assed Job Here Is Done' +Hussein Sentenced To Death +A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour +Encouraging Abstinence For Adults +I'd Make A Good Fat Guy +Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections +Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17 +Republicans Blame Election Losses On Democrats +Write-In Candidate Thought He Had Enough Friends To Win +Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks +Will Democrats Regain Control? +Area Man Achieves Your Dream +Smoking Ads Ineffective +Sexual Tension Unbearable Between 15-Year-Old, Rest Of World +Impressive New Honda Inspires John Mellencamp To Write Song About Japan +Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer +Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship +America's Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome +Missed Extra Point From 1979 Comes Back To Haunt Jets +Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers +Peyton Manning: 'I Won This Game As A Team' +Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series +YouTube Clamps Down +NBA To Honor Red Auerbach By Playing Defense +Michael Vick Credits Increased Passing Accuracy To Using His Right Hand +Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab +I Didn't Install This Two-Way Motel-Room Mirror To Watch People Commit Suicide +I'm Always Up For Some Commitment +Limbaugh Accusations +Bush: Thousands Of Registered Democrats Needed For 'Extremely Important' Mission +Former Marine Sniper Slapped With 3,000-Yard Restraining Order +President Ford Dead +New Year's Resolutions +Smoke Alarms May Fail To Wake Children +Responsible Holiday Drinking +Holiday Travel Plans +Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI +Karl Rove Accused Of Throwing Midterm Elections +Kevin Federline, Wife Divorce +Coretta Scott King's Wiretap Ends +Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day +Ken Lay's Children Inherit 4,000 Pensions +NASA Launches Probe To Inform Pluto Of Demotion +Unreported News Stories Of 2006 +Thousands More Dead In Continuing Iraq Victory +Israel Bombs Anti-Semitism Out Of Lebanon +Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box Office Profits +Israelis Talk Nukes +Osama Bin Laden Takes Credit For Crocodile Hunter's Death +Annan Criticizes Bush +Kobe Bryant Mourns Passing Of Ball +Apocalypto Star Wants To Show He Can Do Mayan Comedy +New Rocky Film Just Three Montages +Nation Gears Up For Hockey's First Season Following Lockout +Area Man Claims To Be NHL Hall Of Famer +Street Team Of NHL Players Posts Fliers Promoting Upcoming Game +Dec. 29, 1987 +Apocalypto Tops Box Office +New Sirius Radio Programs +Dictator Slays Millions In Last-Minute Push To Be Time's Man Of The Year +How Did I End Up On The Cover Of This Romance Novel? +The Last Thing America Needs Is Another President +Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic +Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating! +Chile's Pinochet Dead +Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block +Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating! +Discouraged Bush Begins Seeking Approval Of Other Nations +Hero Man Dials 911 +Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant +Egyptian Conservationists Fight To Protect Dwindling Mummy Population +Jen And Vince Split +Groom Getting Cold Feet About Bachelor Party +E. Coli At Taco Bell +Tiger Woods Adopts Son To Compete In PGA's Del Webb Father/Son Challenge +Lions Claim They Spoiled Patriots' Season +BCS Determines No Team Worthy Of Facing Ohio State In Championship Game +Healthy Grant Hill Schedules Season-Ending Surgery +Barry Bonds Quietly Retires From Baseball +Previously Unknown Prejudice Against Japanese Surfaces During Game Of Battleship +Bolton Steps Down +Report: Recent Wednesday Felt Like Thursday +Philip Morris: 'Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes' +Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia +Iraq War Recommendations +Taxing Virtual Assets +Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic +Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad +Today's Audiences Just Don't Get Me +I'm Gonna Get Me A Wii If It Kills Me +No iPods To Kim Jong Il +Nancy Pelosi Wants Congress To Want To Pass Bill +Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around +Brash Young Floor Trader Trying To Rally Dow All By Self +D.O.J. Investigates Self +Overpopulation Concerns Force U.S. To Reopen South Dakota +Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days +Doctor Unable To Hide His Excitement From Patient With Ultra-Rare Disease +GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising +Part Written Specifically With Sylvia Saint In Mind +The Rice Confirmation +Huygens Space Probe Discoveries +Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel +Breathalyzer Big Hit At Cop Party +My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable +U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV +Protest One Person Short Of Success +Crime Scene Used To Be Cool +Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations +White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation +Mets Earmark $53 Million For Pitching Relief +Caged Saddam To Be Highlight Of Inaugural Ball +The Upcoming Iraqi Election +Georgia's Evolution Stickers +Junk Yardin' +Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves +Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation Of Bulletproof Sleeves +Waitstaff Tired Of Sleeping With Each Other +I'm Pretty Sure I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings +Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours Of TV A Day Impairs Ability To Ridicule Pop Culture +Friend Whose Mom Just Died Allowed to Pick Pizza Topping +Woman Sensitive About That Thing On Her Face +Blacks, Whites Put Differences Aside, Work Together To Make Better Burger +HMO Targets Blacks With 'Rapping Good' Health Campaign +If Area Dad Steps On Legos One More Time +Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan +MIT Researchers Discover Each Other +Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr. +Zambia Elects Black President +The Teacher Shortage +Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form +Human Rights And The U.S. +Racial Harmony Achieved By Casting Of Black Actor As Teen Computer Whiz +Get Smooved +I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar' +Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of 'Lessons Of Sept. 11' +Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives +Lesser-Known Celebrity Trials +Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month +Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise +Threat Of Catching Olympic Fever At All-Time Low +Yankees Lose World Series +WMDs Found +Gay Marriage Proponents Hope To Send Message To Religious Right Before Election +A Polarized Nation +Russia Reiterates Zero-Tolerance Policy For Terrorists, Hostages +Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail +What A Year 2004 Was—For Entertainment! +Woman Dozing At Coffee Shop Has That Dave Eggers Sex Dream Again +Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder +Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee +Sharper Image Vows 'We Will Be Undersold' +Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored +Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive +I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops +Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly +COX-2 Inhibitors +New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs +I'm Tired Of Looking At These Same Four Uterine Walls +Oscar Host Chris Rock +State Of Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding +Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor +New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend +Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions +Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents +510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy +Paris Review Receives Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost +That Reminds Me Of Something Funny A Client Of Mine Allegedly Said +Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown +Israeli-Palestinian Cease-Fire +Failing Phys Ed Programs +Christmas In February +Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major +Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated +Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy +'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything +Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension +Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics +Census Bureau: 9,000 To 15,000 People Work At Census Bureau +Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl +Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America 'A Crappy Valentine's Day' +The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban +Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous +Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say +Columnist Crackdown +Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation +Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker +Nation's Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu +Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang +Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam +Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit +Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies +Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs +Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period +Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake +Dress-Up Doll Born To Area Couple +Google In 2005 +180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work Last Year +Follow That Prius! +The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time! +Oysters Have No Discernible Effect On Date +'Missed Connection' Ad Obviously Cheney +American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced +Nation Planning Surprise Party To Cheer Up Conor Oberst +Being A Considerate Houseguest +You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now +Information Thieves +Five Minutes Of Watching Indian Channel Leads To Five Hours Of Watching Indian Channel +Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit +Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security +America Still Searching For Funniest Home Video +Getting Our Jollies +Live-In Boyfriend Like The Deadbeat Dad Kids Never Had +The Morning-After Pill +Ask A Guy Who's Been Avoiding You +No One Admits To Fart Joke +Offended Customer's Huffy Walkout Goes Unnoticed +Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute +Guatemalan Coffee Picker Happy If Single Person Starts Day Alert +EPA To Drop 'E,' 'P' From Name +Oil Drilling In Alaska +The New SAT +National Gonzo Press Club Vows To Carry On Thompson's Work +I Don't Care How Long It Takes, I'm Gonna Figure Out What That 'L' Word Is +U.S. Dog Owners Fear Arrival Of Africanized Fleas +Colin Powell's Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White House +Child Walks Out On Toy Non-Proliferation Talks +Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski +AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime +Gym Membership Doomed From Day One +Thwarting Of Arch Nemesis Leaves Sky Commander Feeling Empty +This Year's Oscars Blew Me Away +Tougher Bankruptcy Laws +Despite Bad Press, Calorie Industry Projects Record-Breaking Year +Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson +Unlock Your Employees' Profit Potential With An Improv-Comedy Workshop! +Wi-Fi Access +All-Minority Postal Staff Undergoes Mandatory Diversity Training +Inhibitions Found In Seedy Motel Room +Ten Years Of Life Dedicated To Getting Municipal Pool Not Built +Mysterious Defibrillator Saves Accident Victim, Disappears +Script Could Use Another Pass, Mom Says +Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex +The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such +'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year +Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore +New Stop-Smoking Aids +Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks +Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period +Consumption Tax Proposed +How Could I Get My Wife's Funeral So Wrong? +Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran' +Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting +Meek Coworker Taken Down A Notch +Knife-Throwing, Plate-Spinning Congressman Dominates Newscasts +Heroin Addict Better Off Than Poppy Farmer +Schiavo's Right To Die +New Bush Science Policies +Getting A New Place Sucks! +Thank God The Year Of The Monkey Is Over +'Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors +Cocky Pope-Hopeful Ready To Make Some Changes Around Vatican +Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag +Death Of Parents Boosts Area Woman's Self-Esteem +Ken Jennings Mistaken For Subway's Jared Again +Gmail User Pities Hotmail User +Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature +Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink +Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man +Teen Reports Saturday Night Live Has Sucked Since Chris Kattan Left +National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention +The New Food Pyramid +A Motivation Seminizar +The New Lincoln Museum +Guess What—It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now +Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad +Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever +Family Feud Continues Years After Game-Show Appearance +First Date In Six Months To Be Last Date In Six Years +April 30, 1937 +Losing-Powerball-Numbers Announcement Enters 17th Hour +Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts +Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood +Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff +Sir Charles Barlow Is Interested Only In Your Dowry +TV Shows On DVD +Aw, Who'm I Kidding... I'll Never Top 21 Jump Street +April 19, 1981 +Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review +New Tech-Support Caste Arises In India +Are Tasers Safe? +Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly +Papal Election Brings End To Worldwide Unsupervised-Catholic Sin Binge +Police Sketch Artist Likes How Portrait Of Serial Rapist Turned Out +Embattled Tom Delay +I Gotta Get Out More Often +The Minutemen +I'm Not Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With You—You're Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With Me +Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner Of Popemobile, Dead At 84 +Preparing A Living Will +French's Introduces Antibacterial Mustard +Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim +April 13, 1916 +Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits +Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope +Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent +Papal Apartments Found Filled With Old Newspapers, Empty Pill Bottles, Mangy Cats +Actual Urgent Message From Robert Redford Goes Unheeded +1998 Powerball Winner Returns To Food-Service Job +'He's A Stockbroker,' Says Woman Who Finds That Exciting +Colombian Teen Going Through Anti-Government Guerilla Phase +Nation's Tall Asked To Stand In Back +Terri Schiavo Dies Of Embarrassment +Many Cancer Deaths Preventable +Rising Oil Prices +Congress Awards Itself Congressional Medal Of Honor +Being The Mayor Of Sucktown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be +Local Fox Affiliate Debuts Terror-Alert Van +Who Are You Going To Believe—Me, Or That Encyclopedia Britannica 2005 Almanac? +U.S. High School Gets Raw End Of Student Exchange +Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death +Former Addict Celebrates 10th Year Of Mind-Numbing Boredom +Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires +Alternative Training School For Dogs De-Emphasizes Obedience +Thousands Dead In Wake Of Low-Carbon Diet +Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease +This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is +May 29, 1905 +Snowball In Hell +Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry +National Advertising Board Launches 'Advertising: Get The Message!' Campaign +Congressional Filibusters +Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love +Memorial Day +Principal Hates Underachievers, Overachievers +Local Man Pushed Well Within Limits Of Human Endurance +Area Dad Saw A Great Show On Bigfoot Last Night +Author Dismayed By Amazon Customers' Other Purchases +Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back +New, Delicious Species Discovered +WTO May Accept Russia +Celebrity Commencement Speeches +Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron +Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken +God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO +Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009 +May 20, 1902 +A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off +Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots +Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period +Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager +Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance' +Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza +Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated +The New Iraqi Government +Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology +Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown +Is There New Love for Tom Cruise? +36-Year-Old Still Looking For Ways To Make Brushing Fun +'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall +May 8, 1910 +No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal +Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts +Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment +Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream +Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book +Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast +Improving Amtrak +Actual Expert Too Boring For TV +Women On The Front Line +I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies +U.S. Mint Gears Up To Issue Commemorative County Pennies +Unspeakable Happens In Area Town +Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President +May 1, 1975 +Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses +Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate +Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc +Fifth Baby Barely Showered +Alternative Summer Camps +New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth +New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay +Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty +I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness! +I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation To Appear In Court On July 28 +Bolton's UN Nomination +Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports +Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards +Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive +Report: 40 Percent of American High-School Students Mind-Reading At Sixth-Grade Level +Surgery Required For New Sexual Position +Abraham Lincoln's DNA Now Available Over The Counter +Hemmed-In Seattle Mayor Calls For Emergency Deforestation +Remainder Of Ross Ice Shelf Now In Smithsonian Freezer +Repopulation Of Africa Begins +Ozone Repletion Project Nearly Finished +Leather-Clad Nomads Seize Power In Australia +117-Aerocar Pileup Clogs Troposphere For Hours +Economy Given Big Boost By Ramadan Shopping Season +Million Robot March Attended By Exactly 1,000,000 Robots +Lunar Olympic Officials Continue Search For Missing Pole Vaulter +Could Jimi Hendrix Mk. IV's Disappointing Synth-Funk Output Spell The End Of The Vat-Grown Celebrity? +My Hover-Car Is Shot +Halliburton Wins Bid To Rebuild Midwest +Final Installment Of Frogger Trilogy Poised To Sweep Oscars +A Female Dolphin President? +Government May Restrict Use Of Genetically Modified Farmers +We Need A Fourth Law Of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife +Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S. +Tips For A Successful Marriage +Overcrowding Reaches Crisis Level At Yellowstone National Parking Lot +SOLOPEC Nations Warn Sun's Output May Fall Short Of Demand +Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend +All Of Math Teacher's Examples Involve Moon Pies +Portugal Finally Gets It Together +Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going +GM's Rising Costs +Medical Marijuana +Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed +Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans +I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am +Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire +Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike? +Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom +Bush Fishing For Compliments During Press Conference +June 13, 1967 +NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason +Eighth-Grader Hasn't Missed A '69' Joke Opportunity All Year +Congress Relieved To Admit It's Not Going To Accomplish Anything This Year +Garden Too Much For Grandma This Summer +Kuwait Starting To Notice Girls +Repressed-Memory Therapist Recovers Rockford Files Episode +I'm Sick Of These Money Problems +Deep Throat Revealed +Well, I Guess That Genocide In Sudan Must've Worked Itself Out On Its Own +New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac +Unhealthy Online Support Groups +Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism +Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs +June 8, 1944 +Description Of Hot-Dog Ingredients Fails To Ruin Picnic +Local Pet Store Sells Living Things To Just Anyone Off The Street +The Stem-Cell Bill +Green Products +This Script Practically Writes, Directs, And Universally Pans Itself +If It's Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror +Judge Hatchett Ruling Overturned By Judge Joe Brown +Date Disastrously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight To Emotional Intimacy +Hosting A Barbecue +Pentagon Announces Plans To Close Camp Snoopy +Local Self-Storage Facility A Museum Of Personal Failure +U.S. Intensifies Empty-Threat Campaign Against North Korea +Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping +Entire Napoleon Dynamite Plot Pieced Together Through Friends' Quotes +May 29, 1993 +Disneyland's 50th Anniversary +Chocolate Pudding Up $2 A Barrel +Bush To London Bombers: 'Bring It On' +Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted +Scientists Discover 6,000-Year-Old Stain +Embattled Rove Seeks Asylum In Scarborough Country +I'm Choking On A Kalamata Olive, Not Your Everyday Olive +London Bombings +Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son +Armchair Publicist Would Totally Rein In Tom Cruise +Shop Worn +Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual +Many U.S. Cities Losing Battles To Preserve Their Burger Kings +July 27, 1956 +Space Shuttle Delay +Anonymous Source: 'I'm A Cowardly Snitch' +Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things +Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go +Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To 'The Few' +Stay Of Execution Squandered Again +Hospital Infections +Local Company Moves Production Underseas +New Puppy Teaches Congress Important Lesson About Responsibility +July 20, 1925 +I'm A Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet +Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Skyrockets +Fetish Only Realized After Watching Wife Drown +Never In My Wildest Dreams Did I Think I'd Get Bored Watching Robots Fight +Internet Social Networks +E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear +Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered +Area Man Killed In Committee +Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month +Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying' +Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus +National Parks Under Siege +Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point +Sun Safety Tips +Yacht Club Regatta Marred By Tragic Undergrilling Of Mahi Mahi +Rotating Knife Vortex Closed Pending Safety Investigation +Nation's Shirtless, Shoeless March On Washington For Equal-Service Rights +If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will +Small Town's 'Cryptosporidium Daze' Fails To Attract Visitors +July 12, 1977 +All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves +Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor +Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief +Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works +National Filmstrip Board Calls For Quiet +Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee +The Social Security Time Bomb +'Midwest' Discovered Between East And West Coasts +My God, What Passes For Crunch-tastic These Days +Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck +New York City's Olympic Bid +Lawn-And-Garden Tips +Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock? +Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam +Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore' +Celebrity Last Requests +Area Man Training For Upcoming Sanford And Son Marathon +Hey, You Got Something To Eat? +Londoners 2 Percent Less Polite About Terrorism Following Bombings +Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier' +Republicans, Democrats Unite In Good Laugh Over Reform Party +Botanists Making Great Strides In Stem Research +Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish +Wrongly Imprisoned Man Won't Shut Up About It +Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can't Index +Son, You'll Always Remember Your First Time, Because I'm Going To Film It +Pat Robertson's Remarks +U.S.-North Korea Relations +Bush Calls For Rock Revolution In Weekly Pirate-Radio Address +U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High +German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority +New Strain Of Jet Lag Devastates Airline Industry +Missing Park Ranger Found In Better-Paying Job +Leaving Hollywood +Entertainment Lawyer 'Fighting The Good Fight' +Gaza Pullout +Shakespeare Was, Like, The Ultimate Rapper +Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything +Iraq Declares Partial Law +City Councilman Unearths Magical Zoning Amulet +August 23, 1927 +Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore +Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina +County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer +They Called Me Crazy When I Switched Shampoos, But Who's Crazy Now? +Calcutta Fire Marshal: Many Indian Homes Lack Bride Extinguisher +Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory +U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons +What Has Our Society Come To When March Of The Penguins Is The Blockbuster Hit Of The Summer? +New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains +Biofuels +Angelina Jolie Coming For Your Baby +Iraqi Cop Moonlighting As Terrorist Just To Make Ends Meet +Jackson Jurors +CAFTA Provisions +Al-Qaeda Sitcom Filmed Before Live Studio Hostages +Podcast A Cry For Help +Joe Wilson Getting Bored With No-Longer-Covert Wife +Entertainment-History Buffs Re-Enact Battle Of The Network Stars +'Humor In Uniform' Submissions At All-Time Low +Police Search Of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller +Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920 +Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves +Dog Cloning +Why Somebody Always Around Every Time I Drop My Baby? +Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway' +August 10, 1969 +If Only I Could Find A Lizard Offering A Low Car-Insurance Rate +White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove +First-Time Novelist Constantly Asking Wife What It's Like To Be A Woman +August 1, 1956 +Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb +AFL-CIO Split +Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment +Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture +Agent 44 Always Gets To Choose The Rendezvous Point +Missing Boy Scout Earns Publicity Badge +Frances Bean Cobain Enters Prehab +Maximum Age For Strollers Raised To 8 +Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo +Red Cross Accused Of Wartime Non-Profiteering +Gay Clergyman +Lance Armstrong's Endurance Tested By Sheryl Crow Concert +Dying Boy Brought In To Cheer Up Kansas City Royals +ESPN Courts Female Viewers With 'World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition' +Tom DeLay Steps Down +Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness +There's No Problem I Can Handle +Delta Blues Poised For Biggest Revival Since 1915 +Nobody In Ukraine Notices Absence Of Government +Congress Abandons WikiConstitution +Bush's Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low +New PSA Reduces Accidental Staplings By 33 Percent +FEMA Disaster Survival Tips +Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened +Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers +Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up +U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: 'You All Have AIDS,' Says U.S. +Cigarette Moderation Still Kills +Kate Moss In Trouble +Face Transplants +American Teens, French Sex +Rising Luxury-Goods Sales +Terrell Owens Pre-Emptively Disparages Next Contract +Tiger Woods Signs $15 Million Deal To Endorse Alex Rodriguez +Joe Namath Guarantees He'll Lose Battle With Alcoholism +Former Viagra Spokesman Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Substances +Your Grandpa Insists Someone You've Never Heard Of Should Be In Hall Of Fame +As Long As You're Under My Roof, You'll Play By My Monopoly Rules +I'm Not Surprised Hitler Was A Taurus +Mötley Crüe Signs Sexual-Harassment Guarantee +Publicist Schmoozes Wife Into Sex +Reporters Comb New Orleans For Heartwarming Story +Fox Cancels Apatow's 40-Year-Old Virgin +Scalia Goes On Abortion Bender After Being Passed Over For Chief Justice +Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan's Other Son Drowns In New Orleans +Bill Introduced As Joke Signed Into Law +Oprah Stuns Audience With Free Man Giveaway +'Hanging Out' Continues To Grow In Popularity Among Teens +NASCAR Drivers May Strike For Even More Down-Home, Aw-Shucks Attitudes +Airline Bankruptcy +Hockey Returns +Katrina Reporters "Lost It" +iPod Nano +Ford Recall +September 12, 1972 +Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy +Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive! +Older Brother To Attempt Unmanned Bike Mission Into Ravine +Souter Hopes Roberts Is Into Birds +Microwave-Resistant Potato Alarms Scientists +Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth +Bashful Terrorists Won't Take Credit For Attack +Search For Self Called Off After 38 Years +Elf Finger Found In Box Of Keebler Cookies +Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court +Report: More Kids Being Home-Churched +New Orleans Pets +California's Gay-Marriage Bill +Strategic Oil Reserves +CBGB's Lease Expires +Chimp Genome Mapped +New York Philharmonic Hosts Open-Mic Night +Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams +Clairvoyant Vince Vaughn Accepts Movie Role Before It's Offered +Little League World Series Marred By Cutest Little Allegations Of Steroid Abuse +The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is The Chupacabra +I'm A Cloud Factory! +Cheney Dropped By White House HMO +God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again +Food Critic Tears Radish Canapés With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole +CEO Barbie Criticized For Promoting Unrealistic Career Images +Racial Profiling Okay? +Death Of The Chief Justice +Chinese Auto Industry +Reality TV's Integrity Questioned +Atkins Diet Over +Lawsuit Over iPod Scratches +Harriet Miers Withdraws +Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down +Bush To Nominate Next Person Who Walks Through Door +Fox Asks White Sox To Play Yankees For 'Real World Championship' +Notre Dame Football Announces Improvements To Its Storied History +WNBA Draft To Double As Bachelorette Auction +Special X-Games End In Extreme Tragedy +Greenspan Retiring +Fire Truck! Fire Truck! Fire Truck! +It's Amazing How Much You Can Learn About A Person Just By Hiring A Private Investigator +Bolivia Joins DOPEC +Puppy Dies Adorable Death +Comedy Central To Air Touching Man Show Reunion +According To Bar Love-Tester, Inebriated Patron Okay To Drive +KISS Cover Band Guitarist Leaves To Start Vinnie Vincent Invasion Tribute Band +Queer Eye Team Denounces Recent Wave Of Vigilante Homosexual Makeover Groups +NASA Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use +Trick-Or-Treaters To Be Subject To Random Bag Searches +That's The Last Time Private Collector Loans Painting To Guggenheim +Personal Bankruptcy Laws +Reading Incomprehension +The Chinese In Space +Mardi Gras 2006? +Quarterback Has Normal, Healthy Son +Bush To Throw Out First Through 120th Pitch Of World Series +MLB Introduces Todd Zeile Award For Participation +Blacks Disapprove Of Bush +Report: One In Five Women Training To Be Yoga Instructors +President Bush Urges Nation +Missing Girl Elected To Aruban Parliament +New Orleans Struck By Meteorite +Latest Jihad Has Something For Everyone +I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I? +What Idiot Wrote These Ten Commandments? +Six Dead In Gubernatorial Suicide Pact +Veteran Cop Gets Along Great With Rookie Partner +Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev +Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack +L.A. Catholic Priest Scandal +Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat +Harriet Miers Nomination +First Female Chancellor Of Germany +Fox Cancels ALCS After Just Two Episodes +Peyton Manning's Wife Tired Of His Constant 'Audibles' At The 'Line Of Scrimmage' +'Ditka' Chicago Man's Answer To Everything +MLB Promises Next Season Will Be Even More Predictable +The FBI And Pot +October 10, 1991 +Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now +I Guess I Got A Girlfriend +Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything +Nostalgic Memories Of Land Of The Lost Ruined In DVD Release +First Report On Long-Term Effects Of Breakdancing Released +Woman With Low Self-Esteem Boosts Area Man's Self-Esteem +Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges +Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country +Man With Friend With Cancer 'Going Through A Rough Time' +Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together +Iraq War Vets With PTSD +Online Poaching +Portable Video Devices +WTC Freedom Center Canceled +Antonio Alfonseca Once Again Leads Major-League Relievers In Fingers +Reggie Jackson Still Mr. October To His Librarian +Anna Nicole And The Supreme Court +Please Stop Screaming At Me +I Should Really Get Around To Reporting My Wife Missing +Adult-Entertainment Industry Donates $100,000 In Charity Sex To Hurricane Victims +Halliburton Given Contract To Rebuild Cheney +Bus-Stop Ad Has More Legal Protections Than Average Citizen +Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker +Missing Girl's Family Really Hates To Part With Reward +America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese? +Citing Slow Summer Box Office, Hollywood Calls It Quits +CEO's Success Credited To Unbelievable Handshake +Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression +Violent Crime At 30-Year Low +IRA Disarmament +Cheney's Aneurysms +At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar +Why Can't Anyone Tell I'm Wearing This Business Suit Ironically? +RIAA Bans Telling Friends About Songs +Enchilada Premonition Comes To Pass +MythBusters Team Struck Down By Zeus +Impersonal Trainer Couldn't Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights +November 27, 1979 +Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan +Sleazy Town Will Do Anything To Get On Map +Terrorist Has No Idea What To Do With All This Plutonium +CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years +Museums Raided Tombs? +Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts +Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera? +"Tookie" To Be Executed? +NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles +John Madden Arrested For Possession Of Turhumanheaducken +Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas +NASCAR Champ Trades In Points For Fun Prizes +Sony Recalls Risky CDs +November 22, 1963 +Someday, Son, All This Cheap Crap Will Be Yours +Why Does Everybody Hate Me? +Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official +Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related +Holocaust Film Appeals To Believers And Skeptics Alike +All Of Pregnant Woman's Favorite Names Used Up On Cats +I.T. Guy Has Long Dark Night Of Self-Doubt +Bush To Increase Funding For Hope-Based Initiatives +Parking-Ramp Attendant Knows All The Best Spaces +FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007 +Cases Of Glitter Lung On The Rise Among Elementary-School Art Teachers +A Raise For Congress +FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees +White House On Offensive +TV Downloads On AOL +The Undertaker Forced To Manage Eddie Guerrero's Funeral +NASCAR To Kurt Busch: 'Keep The Drunk Driving On The Racetrack' +Mia Hamm Declines Third-Year Option On Nomar Garciaparra +Alcohol Awareness Class +November 18, 1920 +My Daughter, Who Lives At 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, Can't Keep Her Damn Legs Crossed +Life In The Navy Rocks Even Harder Than The Commercial Implied +Anti-Homosexuality Sermon Suspiciously Well-Informed +Greg Behrendt Releases New Book For Children: Your Parents Aren't That Into You +Report: North Korea Just Enjoys Nuclear Talks +Activist Wet-T-Shirt Judge Votes For Girlfriend +Animal Planet Reality Show To Put Bear, Antelope, Hawk, Cheetah In Same House +133 Dead As Delta Cancels Flight In Midair +Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends +Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports +New Medicare Plan +Montana Bison Hunt +Intelligent Design Ousted +Bush To Veto Torture Ban? +U.S. Immigration Fence? +NYC Marathon Winner 'Just Went Out There And Had Fun' +Pete Rose Jr. Somehow Finds Way To Disgrace Family Name +MLS Free Agent Holding Out For Money +Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett Get Into Argument Over Who's Taller +November 9, 1988 +I'm Very Interested In Hearing Some Half-Baked Theories +My Personal Shopper Is The Worst +Faith Healer Loses Patient During Routine Miracle +Cameron Crowe To Release Only Soundtracks +Bird Arthritis Epidemic Largely Ignored +Okie Hears There's Sam's Club Work In New Mexico +Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems +Redbook Reporter Refuses To Disclose Source Of Recipe +U.S. Dollar Slips Against Canadian Acorn +Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse +'Now We Can Finally Put Civil Rights Behind Us' +White House Ethics Class +Top Al-Qaeda Escapee +Rioting Continues In Paris +Record Oil Prices, Record Oil Profits +Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code +National Sex-Boat Industry Facing Financial Trouble +NBA Season Opens With Record Seven Scoreless Ties +Dems Force Closed Senate +November 2, 1994 +I Plan To Take Full Advantage Of The Upcoming Q&A With Howie Mandel +There's A Nude Sheriff In Town +Floral Arrangement At Funeral Talked About More Than Deceased +'Scooter' Libby Wishes He'd Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage +New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic +This So Typical Of Hemophiliac +Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year +Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu +TV-News Graphics Guy Gives Weatherman On-Air Surprise +Night On Town Fails To Rekindle Fading Business Relationship +Iraqi Constitution Ratified, Burned +Alito Nominated +FBI Probe Problems +Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year +Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game +April Comes To A Close +Deep Fruit Revealed To Be Charles Nelson Reilly +Natalee Holloway Makes New Year's Resolution To Become Famous +Hopes For 2006 +Brain-Dead Americans Defend Brain-Dead Florida Woman +Public Calls For Formation Of Some Sort Of Federal Administration To Manage Emergencies +Michael Jackson's Reputation For Punctuality In Ruins +Public Outraged As Price Of Fast-Depleting, Non-Renewable Resource Skyrockets +Media Ignores Cancer Struggle Of Champion Unicyclist +Bush Elected President Of Iraq +White House Celebrates Fifth Straight Year Without Oral Sex +Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original +Theory Of Intelligent School-Board Design Disproven +Asian Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, Kashmir Earthquake Battle For Natural Disasty Award +NASA Announces Future Shuttle Launches Will Be Sudden And Without Warning +Losing Super Bowl Team Gets Locker-Room Condolence Call From John Kerry +Prince Charles Weds Longtime Horse +Pitt, Aniston To Quietly Separate +North Korea Nukes Self In Desperate Plea For Attention +Thousands Of New Orleans Households Still Without Political Power +Pope Died As He Lived: Propped Up For Public Viewing +Is Wikipedia Unreliable? +Bin Laden Not In Control? +Killer Asteroid In 2036? +Rosa Parks Not Really Honored By New Bus Depot +Congress' Pre-Christmas Cuts +How Very Special +Texas Governor Legalizes Previously Banned Wrestling Move +Dental Hygienist Sick Of Being Lied To +Where Are All These 'Loose Women' My Pastor Keeps Warning Me About? +Coal Now Too Expensive To Put In Christmas Stockings +CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution +Stuntman Typecast As Guy Who Falls From Balcony Onto Table +Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak +U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy +Rising Home-Heating Costs Hitting Reptile Families Hardest +Michael Schiavo Starts PAC +Howard Stern Leaves The Air +December 23, 1997 +Gay Cowboy Film Buzz +Race Riots In Australia +Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead +Per Promoter's Request, Boxer Amends Promise Of First-Round Knockout +Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander Closing In On NFL's Increasingly Devalued Single-Season Touchdown Record +Onion Sports Year In Review: Team Sports +Onion Sports Year In Review: Individual Sports +Iraqis Head To Polls +And Now For Some... Amusement +I'd Love This Product Even If I Weren't A Stealth Marketer +Autopsy Reveals Subject Was Still Alive When Autopsy Began +China Slaughters Population To Control Flu Outbreak +Pat Robertson Says Pie Not Delicious +Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children +Weather-Weary Nation Not Surprised By Forecast Of Blood Storms +Dope Just Galumphing Where Life Takes Him +New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior +Activist Judge Cancels Christmas +ID Critic Beaten +Patriot Act Renewed +British Recognize Gay Unions +9/11 Commission Let Down +Undefeated Colts To Play Football's Harlem Globetrotters +Larry Brown Promises Knicks Will Make Playoffs In Some League +Indians Meet With Trevor Hoffman, Forget To Offer Contract +Lennon, 25 Years Gone +My Songs About Topsoil Say What I Can't +No Machine Can Do My Job As Resentfully As I Can +'Employees Must Wash Hands' Signs Top Iraqi Hospital Wish List +Goldfish Can't Stand Bowlmate +More Americans Falling For 'Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work' Schemes +New Book Written From Perspective Of Gargamel +Alcoholic Kindergarten Teacher Stretches Naptime To Three Hours +December 6, 1933 +Report: U.S. Coupon Wealth Largely Untapped +Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom +Area Cherokee In Violation Of Indian Removal Act Of 1830 +Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving +Narnia Targeted To Christians +Public Wants Troops Home +Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail +C-Sections On The Rise +Annika Sorenstam Has Another Remarkable Year For A Lady +MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy +Nation's Cowboys Fans Deeply Nostalgic Following Michael Irvin's Latest Drug-Related Arrest +Halftime Show At Bruins-Devils Hockey Game Disrupted By Second Period Of Play +EU Against Secret Prisons +Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street +Actress Opens Poorly Conceived Animal Shelter +College Football Scout Has Eye On High-School Cheerleader +Area Priest To Get Out Of Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die +Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer +Atkins-Friendly Fast Food +Enter Tha Office +Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported +Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot +Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House +Concert Ruined By Guy Enjoying Himself +4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty +Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial? +New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work +14-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages +Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil +Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut +Israel's West Bank Wall +The State Of The Union Address +Narcissist Mentally Undresses Self +Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix +Yee-Haw! My Vote Cancels Out Y'all's! +Local Chapter Of Rosie's Chub Club Soldiers On +Actual Proctor Met At Party +Air Marshal Stuck In Conversation About Passenger's Patio +If You Don't Mind, I'd Like To Take A Crack At Salvaging Your Failing Marriage +First-Generation American's Job Taken By His Father +Feedback Taking Too Long To Be Positive +Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos On Price Is Right +Iran Moves To Ban Events Of Mass Destruction +Short-Distance Relationship Too Much Work +An Entertaining New Year +Angolan Temp Agency Teeming With Mercenaries +Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors +U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91, Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest +I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters +The Mars Rover +McDonald's Introduces McCrazy Burger +Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park +Colorado Football Under Fire +ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year +4-Year-Old Reportedly Loved Trip To Italy +Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen +Man Kinda Excited For Internal Camera Procedure +Thai Premier Eats Entire Bucket Of Chicken To Calm Bird-Flu Fears +Greece Gearing Up For Olympics +Going Out Is Too Much Hassle +Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget +Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before +Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist +Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry +If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass! +Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready +Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades +Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us +Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter +Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring +William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo +I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay +Identity Theft Safeguards +Human Cloning +Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night +Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht +Iowa Resident Has Opinion Month Too Late +Day Job Officially Becomes Job +That Guy From That One Show In Rehab +Household Death Toll Climbs To One +New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane +Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base +Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran +Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class +Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid +Gay Marriage +Under FCC Investigation +Cheer Up, All You Loveless Singles! +I Want To Fly A Helicopter, Not Look At A Bunch Of Crazy Dials +Report: 'Sorry' No Longer Cutting It +Saddam Hussein Rules Over Cell With Iron Fist +Boy, Dolphin No Longer On Speaking Terms +New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive +Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist +Celebrity Saddened By Death Of Other Celebrity +Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again +Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats +I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks! +I Happened To Be In The Neighborhood And Horny +10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks +Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating +Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries +FDA To Ban Ephedra +The Patriot Act's Problem Parts +Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired +Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get A Job' +Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy +Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On +Test Your Jean-Q +Heartbroken FBI Agent Crosses Ex-Girlfriend's Name Out Of Classified Documents +Richard Clarke Speaks Out +Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally +Before I Die, I'd Like To See Hazzard County With My Own Eyes +Disney's Financial Woes +Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé +Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country +New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th Of North Dakota +Potential Baldness Cure Leads Man To Reverse Position On Stem-Cell Research +Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars +New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List +Reality Show Slowly Sinks In +Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time +Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar +Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage +Stewart's Prison Sentence +You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group +I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot! +Nanotechnology +Nostalgia Prompts Return Of Negro Baseball Leagues +Online-Dating Tips +Political Cartoon Even More Boring And Confusing Than Issue +Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long +Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign +Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion +Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified +Sheets Changed After Every Breakup +The Madrid Train Bombings +Return Of Dawn Of The Dead +Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group +Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him +Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings! +Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics +News Of Uncle's Death Deleted By Spam Filter +Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked +Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress +Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss +Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised +Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest +Republicans Retain Majority In Household +Ask Kenneth Cole +Comanche Program Scrapped +Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library +Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering +Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design +Cool Dad A Terrible Father +Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller +I Can Make Things Right +New Nietzschean Diet Lets You Eat Whatever You Fear Most +Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie +Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex +Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off +Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing +Crank Caller Keeps Jerking Local News Team Around +The New CPR +You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me +Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey +Should The U.S. Help Haiti? +Foster Mom A Cunt +As Departmental Manager, I Vow To Learn Each Of Your Names +Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend +Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On' +Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine +Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description +Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes +National Cyber Security +You're Fired! +Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime +Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card +Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President +IKEA Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles +Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom +Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions +Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old +Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody +Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling +Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans +National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Criticized For Funding Giant Macramé Penis +McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image +Senatorial Candidate Introduces New Low-Carb Platform +I Haven't Achieved Greatness So Much As I Was Born Into It +Online Music Stores +Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funky Good Time? +Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department +Nation Celebrates Awkward 'Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work' Day +Iraqis Arming Selves For Independence +Rumsfeld Looking Forward To Secretary's Day +Study: Owning A Boat Not Worth It +Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In 'News Of The Weird' Section +Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay +Man Nods His Way To The Top +Resistance In Iraq +Here's My Road Map To Road Trips +Statue Of Liberty To Reopen +Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene +I Will Not Rest Until Sometime After 11 p.m. +New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly +What Grieving Widow Needs Is A Day At The Spa +Friend Buys Computer Just Like That +Preparing For A Hospital Stay +Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Just Haven't Heard The Right Album +Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement +Yahoo Launches Soul-Search Engine +Almost No Effort Made To Stop Kid From Eating Cigarette Butt +Dollar Losing Value Against The Quarter +Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave +U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived +The Hunt For Bin Laden +15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy +Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day +If Elected, I Will Be Extremely Surprised +Price Of Nuclear Secrets Plummeting +Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced +Ex-Nickelodeon Stars Relate Horrors Of Green Slime Syndrome +Bus Passenger Really Getting Into Stranger's Nursing Textbook +Great-Grandmother Actually Not That Great +Overseas Outsourcing +Sob Sistah +Naïve Teacher Believes In Her Students +U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England +Should Rumsfeld Resign? +You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day +Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself +No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims +Awkward Encounter Not Awkward At All When Masturbated About +Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops +New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious +Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts +Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs +Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back +White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks +Electronic Voting Machines +Fahrenheit 9-11 +Funeral Looks Cheap +I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene +Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move +When I Grow Up, I Want To Wear A Bikini At Auto Shows +U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror +Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality +34 Congressmen Arrested In D.C. Cockfighting Crackdown +Halliburton Employee's Pay Docked For Weeks Spent As Hostage +House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier +Bathroom Too Disgusting To Shit In +Film-School Graduate Goes Straight To Video-Store Job +Sugar Baby +Iraqi Prisoner Abuse +Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People +Commuting Tips +Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents +Investors Stake Out Greenspan's House For Signs Of Rate Increase +Who Is John Kerry? +Photo ID Shows Toll Job Has Taken On Employee +Woman At 'Farscape' Convention Has Dangerously Inflated Self-Image +Willie Nelson Spaces On Holding Farm Aid +Masturbatory Prose Style Fails To Reach Climax +Herpetologist Names Son After Famous Herpetologist +Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity +Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is +The Social Security Time Bomb +Porn And HIV Prevention +Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night +Darling, You Were Well Worth The Nine Goats +Mom Hogging Family Therapy Session +Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner +Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast +You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some +7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him +Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average +Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground +Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone +Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman! +Iraq's New Flag +Private Space Travel +Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive +Saddam Hussein Freed On Technicality +Erotic-Horror Screenplay Discovered On Office Printer +China Stockpiling Massive Fireworks Arsenal +I Refuse To Let Some Beached Whale Ruin Our Family Outing +Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap +New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070 +No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change +Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again +Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented +We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device +Memorializing Reagan +Internet Pedophilia Crackdown +Former Coworker Romanticized +Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV? +Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player +66 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Object To Torture In Nonetheless Frightening Poll +Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related +J.K. Rowling Ends Harry Potter Series After Discovering Boys +Boss' Threats Hilarious +Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter +Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week +Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral +Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair +Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys +Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References +Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest +The New Medicare Drug Card +Tenet's Resignation +List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party +Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate +Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station +I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady +City Maoist Visits Country Maoist +Diabetic 8-Year-Old Throws Worst Birthday Party Ever +Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino +Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad +Al-Qaeda Planning Attack +Tornado Safety +Poll: Many Americans Still Unsure Whom To Vote Against +Area Father Urges Reopening Of 1998 Missing-Rake Case +Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry +Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry +Rumsfeld Equally Proud Of All His Wars +Ask A Jostens Class-Ring Salesman +You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons +Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is +Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High +Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans +Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures +The 9/11 Panel Report +Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend +Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment +Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee? +John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian +Holding A Yard Sale +Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities +Bush Campaign Costs +Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35 +Give Me Just One More Chance +Some Sense Knocked Into Girlfriend's Son +Garroting Survivors Call For Wire Ban +Area Man Bored With All The Porn He Owns +Work Friends Calling Bill 'William' +White House Declares War On DSL Provider +The Democratic National Convention +Chimps In Danger Of Extinction +Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Touch With Mainstream +You Mean I Could Get Paid For Writing Commercial Jingles? +This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing +Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected +Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There +73 Percent Of U.S. Livestock Show Signs Of Clinical Depression +Nerd Has Most Obscure Crush Ever +Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear +Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M. +Girl Slept With For Her Sake +University Implicated In Checks-For-Degrees Scheme +Does Iran Pose A Threat? +Ringtones +Why No One Want Make Hulk 2? +Report: Scientists Still Seeking Cure For Obesity +Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office +Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker +Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community +Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick! +Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban +7-Year-Old Loses Respect For Shrek After Seeing Him In Burger King Commercial +Sara Gilbert Crush Finally Starting To Subside +Cashier Learning Valuable But Illegal Job Skills +Al-Qaeda Hires Public-Relations Consultant Just To Shoot Him +Fahrenheit 9/11 +Count Those Blessings +Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue +The Interest-Rate Hike +D.C. Site Of First Homeless Depot +I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity +Activities Director Makes Most Of Hostage Situation +Mild Sexual Harassment Ignored To Save The Hassle +Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community +Prizes On Price Is Right Looking Better As Man Ages +Salad Rendered Unhealthy In Three Steps +Swing States Roughed Up By Bush, Kerry Operatives +What's Hot Besides The Weather? Find Out Here! +The Republican National Convention +The Widening Income Gap +T.G.I. Friday's Given One Last Shot +Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame +Online University Cracks Down On Rowdy Online Fraternity +CEO Spends 30 Percent Of Earnings Staying Out Of Jail +Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location +Well, Those White House Security Guards Certainly Were Rude +Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling? +Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton +Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant +Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time +State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack +Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary +Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It +Gay Marriage In San Francisco +Summer Olympics Programming +Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda Or Teens +America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag +Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other +Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work +Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt +Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against +Man Miscast In Role of Father +Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House +Things Are Starting To Turn Around +The Call For A National Intel Chief +Recreational Viagra Use +Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America +Al-Qaeda Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip +Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine? +Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl +Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman +U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges +College Student Does Nothing For Tibet Over Summer +CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog +Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment +Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business +Maid Dreams Children Will One Day Be Maids In Wealthier Households +Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad Shamelessly Touted +Nader's Platform +Movie Praised For Not Being As Bad As It Could Have Been +Ask A Guy Who Just Ran, Like, Nine Blocks +The Crisis In Sudan +I'm The Life Of The Search Party! +Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On +Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas +Report: Iraq War Keeping Thousands Out Of Unemployment Line +Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples +Upcoming Election Deduced From Sports Illustrated Content +Gay Couple Has Banal Sex +Iraq Hostages +Oktoberfest +Pierre Will Be Leading The Vertical-Insertion Team Into The Vakhan Territory +Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A' +Bedding Officials Demand Thread Recount +There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had +Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School +'Ravaged' Named Florida's Official State Adjective +Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President +Congressional Candidate Forced To Explain Controversial 1971 'Fuck Everything' Remark +Crush Lasts Entire Bus Ride +New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding +Ducks Only Interested In Man's Bread +Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act +Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album +Antidepressant Use In Children +Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention +I Was Almost Back In The Saddle Again +Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff +Well, That's The Last Heart-To-Heart I'm Ever Having With Janet +The Bush Family Biography +Money Thrown At Lunch Problem +Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake +Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes +Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern +Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck +Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography +Assault-Weapons Ban Expires +I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better? +College Sophomore Thinks She Would Make A Good Sex Columnist +Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage +Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban +Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness +I Feel I Have Earned The Right To Not Have To Call 'Shotgun' +Hurricane Preparedness +Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War +Local Child Amuses Café—But For How Long? +Assistant Manager Accused Of Sexual Indiscrimination +Vacationing Man Misses Own Remote Control +Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots +Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed +Budget Airline Perks +Absolute Cute +I'm Getting Pretty Good At Masturbating +Seminal School-Portrait Photographer Dies At 92 +Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry +Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays +Comedian Given Sitcom Out Of Pity +Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore +Internet Pop-Up Quiz Insulting +Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker +The Scream Poster Stolen From Area Dorm Room +Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention +Al-Jazeera Introduces 'Lighter Side Of The News' Segment +Many Lack Potable Water +Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed' +Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World +Pool-Safety Tips +Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body +Historians Discover Children's Menu On Back Of U.S. Constitution +Upon Reflection, I May Have Exaggerated My Skills In Midwifery +Election Day Guide +Assistant Uses Cake To Smuggle Cake-Decorating Set To Martha Stewart +Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths +Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market +Meaning Of Dream Obvious To Everyone Else +Flu Vaccine Shortage +Boss' Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant +Study: 100 Percent Of Americans Lead Secret Lives +Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3 +Converting To The Metric System Starts With The Individual +Man, I Wish That Sniper Would Go Away +King Of Queens Creator Thinks Everyone's Ripping Him Off +Return Of The Draft? +Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar +Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities +Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy +Millions Of American Lips Called To Service In Fight Against Poverty +Nader Polling At 8 Percent Among Past Supporters +A Day Off? Sheeit +Battleground States +Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal +CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division +Kerry: Stem-Cell Research May Hold Cure To Ailing Campaign +U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War +We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof +Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again +The Pope's Beatifications +George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill +Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot +Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling +U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur +World Bank Forecloses On World Farm +Apartment-Hunting Tips +You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism? +Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial +Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found +Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day +It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies +Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected +Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl +Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot +Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means +91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving +Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film +Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find +Debate Rules +Secret Searches Ruled Illegal +Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush +Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit! +Older Brother Accused Of Cushion-Fort Prisoner Abuse +American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot +Happy One-Week Anniversary, Sweetheart! +Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God +FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off +Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies +7-Year-Old Puts On Uno Face +Alternative Theater Waits Three Hours For Stragglers +Cabinet Shake-Up +The Kmart-Sears Merger +Local Newswoman's Hairstyle Reported On By Co-Anchor +White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel +Kids Grow The Fuck Up So Fast These Days +Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry +We Must Protect Our Daredevil Jobs From Cheap Foreign Labor +Check Clears In Spite Of Overwhelming Odds +Wild, Unattached Twenties Spent At Work +Guy From Pringles Ad Convicted Of Murder On Law & Order +Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out +FDA Recommends The Blue Marlin +Son Conned Out Of Allowance For Seventh Consecutive Week +Actual Governing To Resume +The Effects Of Global Warming +Back In The Driver's Seat +Arafat's Death +Local Life-Insurance Salesman A Catalog Of Horrific Sudden-Death Scenarios +What Happens At Yucca Mountain Stays At Yucca Mountain +Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election +Teen Handed Awesome Responsibility Of Closing Subway Alone +Oprah Celebrates 20,000th Pound Lost +Political Blogger Mass Suicide To Be Discovered In Several Weeks +Procrastinating Catholic 20 Rosaries Behind +Amount Of Halloween Candy Collected Down 15 Percent +Prehistoric Discoveries +The Republican Majority +U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq +Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich +Debbie, By The Time You Read This, I'll Either Be Dead Or Vice President Of Marketing +Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday +Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud +Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan +Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time +I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic +Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls +Workout Routine Broken Down For Coworker +National Museum Of The Middle Class Opens In Schaumburg, IL +I Don't Like The Person You Become When You're On The Jumbotron +Loft Apartments Converted To Mayonnaise Factory +Recurring Zhang Ziyi Fantasy Always Involves Getting Kicked In The Face +Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting +Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry +Walking On Empty +Red Sox Break Curse +U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election +Election Opinion Polls +Shy Friend Experimenting With Personality +New 'Steak & Onion' Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak And Onions +Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying +Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him +Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor +East St. Louis Rated 'Number One City In America' By Poverty Magazine +Canadian Immigration Under Fire +Police-Recruitment Woes +Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me! +I Wish I Were One Of TV's Golden Girls +Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory +Winterizing Tips +Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up +Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People +Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again +Son Loved More Than Football, Less Than Playoff Football +Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita +Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden +Recalled Holiday Toys +Jury: Peterson Deserves Death +Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report +Psychiatrists Treating Phantom Of The Opera Viewers For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder +Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year's Top 100 Compounds +Where Are Today's Mattress-Sales Visionaries? +Area Daughter Belittled Out Of Concern +Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas +Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role +My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard? +Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides +Dad's Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening +Risk Champ Flunks Geography Test +Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh? +Sports-Related Murder Provides Perfect Local-News Segue +Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives +Iraq Troops Complain +Stopping Steroids +Spawn Of Santa +Family Secret Turns Out To Be Boring +New Homeless Initiative To Raise Bottle Deposit To 12 Cents +Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap +Lawyers Separate Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen In 17-Hour Procedure +World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice +Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz +Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home +Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny +City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds +Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence +Dollar Low Against Euro +Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages +Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse +Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours +Americans Marrying Later +What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well +Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook +Congress Approves Of $250 Billion +Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine +Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple's Meeting Story +Party Host Proudly Informs Guests They're Eating Shark +Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse! +Kids Using Drugs To Study +Trump Casinos Bankrupt +$25,000 Is Its Own Reward +In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs +New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team +Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System +Childhood Friend Stops Writing After Two E-mails +Fighting Insomnia +Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down +Debate Team State Finalists Live It Up In Super 8 Hot Tub +New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos +AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time +Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls +Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot +Fox's Reality Shows +Affirmative Action Under Fire +Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot +When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo! +Migrant Worker Family Thrilled To See Selves On Cover Of The Economist +This Racist Propaganda Practically Writes Itself! +Depressed Roommate Hitting The GameCube Pretty Hard +U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections +Father Wants Only The Best For His Truck +Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items +Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar +Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures +Area Man Proud Of Blood Type +Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes +Skeptic Pitied +New Economy Wistfully Recalled As Tiny Dot-Com Promotional Object Found In Drawer +Recent Medical Studies +I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You +Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows +Teen Stops Masturbating Long Enough To Save Family From Fire +Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan +Asshole Even Shoots Pool Like An Asshole +Humane Society Worker Secretly Glad To See Nippy Dachshund Put Down +The Raelians +Joinin' Tha Notary Club +Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan +30th Anniversary Of 1973 Commemorated +Free Condom Harsh Reminder Of Sexless Existence +One Look At My Music Collection Will Show You How Much I Respect Women +Supernatural Powers Vested In Local Pastor +Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000-Year-Old T. Rex Skeleton +McDonald's Stock Slides As More Consumers Turn To Food +Bush On North Korea: 'We Must Invade Iraq' +New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing How Old Bailiff Did Things +NBC Cancels CSI +Corey Flintoff Unleashes Sonorous, Pleasantly Modulated String Of Obscenities +It Takes A Village to Stitch 20,000 Dallas Cowboys Sweatshirts +Spreadin' A Little Sunshine +Preparing For The Worst +Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing +The Anti-SUV Movement +Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While Before Re-Shingling Roof +Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town +Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage-Proposal Hints +God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity +Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities +New Prisoner Recognized From 'Scared Straight' Visit +No One At Ad Agency Remembers Hiring Carrot Top For Commercial +Paintball Team Visits Vietnam Memorial +Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever +Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice +The Ben And J. Lo Show +Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20 +Terrorism 'Not Likely' Cause Of Fire At Local Laundromat +Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex For Marriage +Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy +Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does +No Blood For Oil vs. Exactly How Much Oil Are We Talking About? +Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.? +High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example +Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka +Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage +U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince +Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance +Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear +Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon +Friendship Moving Way Too Fast +The Future Of NASA +The King Of Pop Speaks +People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices +You Will Know Love +N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention +I Wish I Were More Like My Online Persona +Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials +Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks +Man Vows Never To Watch Another Sci-Fi Movie With Physicist Friend +Mommy Having Sleepover +Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'? +Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball +North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles +France And Germany Say No +AOL Time Warner's $99 Billion Loss +Surinamese Man Struggling To Write The Great Surinamese Novel +Nation's Love Affair With Lord Of The Rings Threatening Its Relationship With Star Wars +Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report +Business Card Confirms Real-Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money +Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement +Prescription-Drug Safety +You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two +Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use +Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle +Media Coverage Of The War +New Military Technology +Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie +Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins +Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy +Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them +Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal +U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines +This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t +U.S. Forms Own U.N. +Robin Williams Leaves Entertainment Reporter In Stitches +Abusive Husband Was Himself Abuser As Child +'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged +Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War +White House Pretty Sure Uzbekistan Diplomat Stole A Bunch Of Soap +Life After Saddam +Man Offered Cocaine By Guy He Met At Urinal 90 Seconds Ago +Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires +The DMV Can Suck My Left Nut +Congress Accidentally Approves Arts Funding +Love Me, Love My Violent Alcoholic Rages +Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger +Museum-Appreciation Tips +Oscar Gift Bags +Undercover Cop Never Knew Selling Drugs Was Such Hard Work +White History Year Resumes +Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life +U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution +Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars +After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash' +Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres +Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe? +The Great White Tragedy +Alaska-Yukon Moose Dimly Aware Of Drew Barrymore's Career Path +Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War +Would You Care To Join Me For An Unbelievably Awkward Dinner Sometime? +Hollywood Vs. The War +Chimp Study On Human-Evasion Response To Feces-Hurling Nearly Complete +Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer' +Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died +Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet +Cooking Tips +I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously +An Open Letter To Those Of You Who Blew Off My Arbor Day Party +The New York City Budget Crisis +The Dixie Chicks Controversy +Recovering Alcoholic Clearly Kind Of Proud Of Once Being An Alcoholic +Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft +CIA: Syria Harboring More Than 15 Million Known Arabs +South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend +Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect +Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection +Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife +Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising +Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell +Woman Mentions Participation In Cancer Walk To Cancer Patient +Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil +Is Syria Next? +That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit +Uday's Pleasure Palace +U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter +I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back +New Fox Reality Show To Determine Ruler Of Iraq +Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other +Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait +Opening Band Issues Two-More-Songs Warning +Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again +Area Man No Longer Playing Up Resemblance To Kevin Spacey +45 More Legislators Lose Jobs To Increased Congressional Automation +If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work +New Children's Book Helps Kids Deal With Pain And Isolation Of Plastic Surgery +Saddam Proud He Still Killed More Iraqi Civilians Than U.S. +Guy Eats Own Weight In Combos Over Three-Month Period +Are All Women Nutso, Or Just The Ones I Cheat On My Wife With? +Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With +The Search For WMD +The SARS Epidemic +Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion +Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts +Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample +Girl From Coffee Shop Seen At Bar With Guy From Record Store +Side Effects Sound Awesome +Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign +Dow Up 300 After Deaths Of 400 +Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish +Wall Street And The War +137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy +Jean Sings Of Chocolate And Cat Calendars At War +Mean Scientists Dash Hopes Of Life On Mars +Spring-Cleaning Tips +Geraldo Gets The Boot +Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors +Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian +I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever! +Soup-Kitchen Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat +Celine In Las Vegas +Former Employee Disappointed By Return-Visit Reception +Dolphins And The Military +Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer +Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now +I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America +Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable' +Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate +Network News Satellites Collide Over Iraq +Prom-Planning Tips +Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing +Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers +Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers +Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art +Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art +I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer +It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy +Fire Safety And Prevention Tips +The Bush Tax-Cut Plan +Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian +Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian +Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy +Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy +The Spam Epidemic +Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs +Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs +World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out +World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out +Casino Has Great Night +Wolf Pack Fails To Raise Orphaned Infant +Wolf Pack Fails To Raise Orphaned Infant +Casino Has Great Night +Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD +Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD +Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show +Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show +Podiatrist A Jerk +Podiatrist A Jerk +Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee +Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee +Executing SARS Spreaders in China +Yo, Don't Judge +Bird Has Big Plans For Cage +Bird Has Big Plans For Cage +Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews +Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews +Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog +Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog +Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex +'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today +'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today +New Neighbor Tested With Beer +New Neighbor Tested With Beer +The Times Plagiarism Scandal +Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign +Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign +This Absolutely The Last Time Bouncer Cleans Up Vomit +This Absolutely The Last Time Bouncer Cleans Up Vomit +Nanny Appears In Child's Drawings More Than Mother +Traveler Excited Hotel Has HBO Until He Checks Listing +I'm An Attractive-People Person +All My Religion Needs Now Is A Snazzy Post-Death Scenario +Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time +The Matrix Reloaded +Five-Family Yard Sale Mainly Selling Items To Each Other +Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination +Freed POW Already Sick Of Family +Freed POW Already Sick Of Family +Shipwreck Survivors Forced To Endure Ride Home On Disney Cruise Ship +College-Aged Daughter Against Using Straws Now +Yearbook-Staff Meeting Devolves Into Discussion Of Popular Kids +Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs +Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through +Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through +Compliment Goes Horribly Awry +Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You' +Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You' +8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese +Continuing Clashes In Iraq +Bush Cites The Last Starfighter As Inspiration For Entering Politics +Have You Been Bitten By The Matrix Bug? +The Godfather Of Soul Turns 70 +Why Am I Always The One To Get Chlamydia? +Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave +Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself +Woman Checks Terror-Alert Level Before Leaving For Work +Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank' +Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things +Father's Day Gift Way Shittier Than Mother's Day Gift +U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq +By Now, The Uzbekistanis Have Discovered The Disappearance Of Their Orbital Platform +GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits +FCC Media Deregulation +Hillary's Bestseller +College-Radio DJ Thinks He Has Cult Following +You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way +95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family +Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company +Troubled Teens Mock Social Worker's Car +Man In Bar Makes General Inquiry About The Ladies +Cameraman Finds Sole Black Person In Studio Audience +Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs +Remember Me? I'm That Kid Who Had A Report Due On Space +MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients +Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career +Exaggerating The WMD Threat +Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened +Gen. Tommy Franks Quits Army To Pursue Solo Bombing Projects +Let Smoove Rock Your Body And World +Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988 +The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban +Study Finds Jack Shit +You Can Be Anything You Want, Says Fictional Character +City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center +Therapist Beginning To Show Cracks In Caring Façade +Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi +Rumsfeld Wearing Same Shirt For Fourth Straight Day +A Mouse Unusual Development +Nike's Million-Dollar Babies +Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans'-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony +Bob Hope Turns 100 +Manic-Depressive Friend A Blast While Manic +Who Will Carry On My PlayStation 2 Adventures After I'm Gone? +Friend Gearing Up To Hate The Hulk +NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag +That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident +Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him +Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him +Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action +Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline +Uday And Qusay On Display +You Shall Make An Excellent Queen +Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die +Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die +They're Ruining My Favorite Soap! +Adorable Democratic Candidate Actually Believes He Has A Chance +Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys +Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied +Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month +Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways +LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet +LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet +Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear +Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly +Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview +Troops To Stay In Iraq +In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself +Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough +Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You' +Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits +Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception +The New New York Times +Unemployed Man Getting Really Good At Unemployment +Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From +Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From +Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain +Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe +Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend' +Kraft Goes On A Diet +Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club +Secretary Of Agriculture Finally Gets Around To Reading Fast Food Nation +Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline +Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction +A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven! +Bush's African Tour +Normally I Enjoy Your Pornographic Web Site, But This Time You've Gone Too Far +Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag +Lottery Winner An Inspiration To All Who Play The Lottery +Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired +Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class +Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files +Summer Music Festivals +Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit +Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart +Is The Economy Turning Around? +Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney And Rumsfeld To Wed +Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month +Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written +Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment +Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism +Woman Doesn't Have Single Photo Where She's Not Hugging Someone +Security Guard Makes Passing Women Feel Unsafe +Soldier Hoping We Invade Someplace Tropical Next +Man Who Hasn't Moved In Six Hours Repeatedly Welcomed Back By TV +Newsweek Editors Argue Over What To Make Readers Fear Next +Bowling-Alley Owner Wants TV Ad To Look 'More Matrix-y' +Pottermania Yet Again +Minister Constantly Mentioning Teenage Son's Virginity +It's Not Nice To Be Smarter Than Other People +The Affirmative-Action Decision +Wisconsin Has Crush On Minnesota +I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm +Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts +Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look +Woman Only Dates On National Television Now +Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria +Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out +The New Energy Bill +The Ten Commandments Ruling +Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad +No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival +Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again! +Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables +Son In Iraq Or Something +Perhaps I've Been A Little Too Tough On Crime +U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee +Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him +Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again +Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time +Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven +Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder +Canadian Prescription Drugs +Gay TV +Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life +I Have An iPod–'In My Mind' +I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun +Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan +Public Speaking Tips +News Anchor Wonders Where All These Great Stories Come From +Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down +Avid Fisherman Forever Ruins Fishing For Son +Last Great Party Of Life To Result In First Child +Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker +Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago +This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe +Internet Social Networks +Humanitarian Aid Check Blown Before It Arrives +You Gotta Be Careful With Fireworks +Confused Americans Seek Steady No. 1 At Box Office +The First Gay Bishop +Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen +Gary Busey Nearly Drowns Recovering Pork Chop From Swimming Pool +Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes +Drug Deal Goes Great +Vice President Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise +Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks +Milkshake Almost Ruined By Breakup +Nation's Toddlers Critically Under-Photographed, Says U.S. Aunt Coalition +Embattled Liberia +Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant +Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant +The Davis Recall +Everything On Menu So Tempting +Get Ready, Folks, 'Cause This Is The Greatest Late-To-Work Excuse You've Ever Heard +Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations +Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations +I'm Sorry, But I Only Date Men My Friends Are Afraid Might Kill Me +Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute +Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up To Scrutiny +Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice +Area Woman Can't Bring Herself To Pardon Store's Appearance +Church, State Joyfully Reunite After 230-Year Trial Separation +Should Arafat Be Removed? +Personal Magnet-ism +Ben And J-Lo Break Up +Actress Excited To Land Eating-Disorder Ad +U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth +U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism +I Assume My Reputation For Arrogant Presumption Precedes Me +Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster +Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling +Change In Bus Seats Taken Personally +FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo +School Friends Don't Find Camp Songs Funny +Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable +Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act +The Ban On Travel To Cuba +Ask A Man Who's Had One Hell Of A Long Day +Mother-Daughter Heart-To-Heart Devolves Into Bitching About Dad +I Totally Outlived Jesus +D.C. Once Again Murder Capital, Mayor Brags +Eco-Vandalism +History Of Rock Written By The Losers +Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions +45-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy One Day +New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True +Woman Assures You She's Not Mad +Obituary Cites Teen's Love Of Music, Cars +White House Denied Third Mortgage +U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq +Impending Mortality Influences Area Senior's Purchasing Habits +Daddy H. Day Care +FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade +Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them +Well, Well, Well–If It Isn't A Family-Owned Retailer +Back-To-School Supplies +Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake +Jerky Boys Accidentally Prank-Call Last Remaining Fan +Suburbanite Shocked By Poor Condition Of Urban Mall +State Appoints Obviously Hungover Attorney +High U.S. Incarceration Rates +America's Best Zoo Exhibits +Hog Executed Farmland Style +Living Out Of Your Car Is A Dying Art +The Shuttle Columbia Report +New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas +'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police +Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain +I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics' +Entire Fourth-Grade Class Hates Jeremy Halcote +Neverland Evidence +Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs +Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity +Area Man Wins Conversation +Katie Couric Winces At Word 'Vagina' +More Than $30 Worth Of Burned CDs Stolen From Residence +U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy +Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos +I Would Treat The Girl From The Muffler Commercial Right +Ridiculous Small-Business Plan Encouraged By Friends +Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers +Tuition Hikes +Pete's An Asshole vs. Aw, C'mon, Pete's An All-Right Guy +'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept. +Alderman Has That Zoning Dream Again +Voice Recognition Software Yelled At +Limbaugh Says Drug Addiction A Remnant Of Clinton Administration +CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large +Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy +Genetically Modified Foods +Silicone Breast Implants +Peruvian Shockingly Knowledgeable About U.S. History +Anyone Got A TV To Spare? +Salary-Negotiation Tips +Video-Store Clerk Helpless To Prevent Charlie's Angels Rental +Mommy's Wedding More Fun Than Daddy's +Club Has Big Hit With Closed-Mic Night +Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS +Deep Down, Woman Knows She's Watching Entire Trading Spaces Marathon +God's Gift To Women Returned +79-Year-Old Still Saving For Future +MacArthur Genius Grant Goes Right Up Recipient's Nose +Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know Karate +Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues +Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence +No Prison Can Hold Me, As Long As I Have My Imagination +I'm A Diseased- And Deformed-Animal Lover! +Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now +High Oil, Gas Prices +Schwarzenegger Victorious +Tribesman Guilted Into Attending Friend's Boundary Dance +Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This +Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes +Hot Sexy Girls Waiting To Talk To Guys Just Like You +ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters +Life After Fen/Phen +My Failed Suicide Attempts +My Flabby Tabbies Are So Spoiled! +The Promise Keepers +CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere +Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn +Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old +Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says 'New Orleans Journal Of Medicine' +You're Going To Love My Balls +Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume +Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link +8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement +Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin'' +Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status +Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards +Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming +CIA Leak Probed +$87 Billion For Iraq +Thank-You Note Passive-Aggressive +Please Don't Be Mad +Area Man Institutes T-Shirt Purchase Freeze +IBM Emancipates 8,000 Wage Slaves +85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month +Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip +Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear +Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced +Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule +Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans +Iran's Nuclear Program +48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity +Pizza Hut Doesn't Know What It's Missing +Mournful Irish Flute Used In Documentary About Loss Of Senior Lounge +The NYSE Overhaul +Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends +House Of Representatives Magically Switches Bodies With Senate +Enraged Man Unable To Break TV +22-Year-Old Fuck Complains Of Age Discrimination +African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President +Sorta-Attractive Girl Half-Heartedly Hit On +Ghosts Of Situations Past +Immigrant Workers Vs. Wal-Mart +Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule +I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts +Palestine Appoints New Minister Of Rubble And Urban Development +Donut Shop's Mission Statement Awfully Ambitious +Media Criticized For Biased Hometown Sports Reporting +Working Man Proud Of Job He Hates +Al Kozlewski Pulls A Kozlewski +Woman Judges Cities Solely By Their Airports +Search For Missing Child Drags On To Fourth Boring Day +MTV Executive Grounds Son For Recommending Good Charlotte +Ad Campaign For New $20 Bill A Success +Congress Raises Executive Minimum Wage To $565.15/Hr +I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole' +The Reagans +The Anti-Abortion Campaign +Woman Mentally Breaks Up With Colin Farrell +Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes +Mom Finds Out About Blog +I've Received Some Unpleasant Information Regarding My Estranged Half-Brother's Involvement In The Barcelona Debacle +Americans Demand Increased Governmental Protection From Selves +Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure +Teen Admits Parents Were Right About Fred Durst +Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom +Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr. +Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President +Unrest In Iraq +Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore! +The California Wildfires +There Are Going To Be Some Pointless Changes Around This Office +Children Wait Patiently For Heavily Fortified Tree House To Be Attacked +Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s +Family Unsure What To Do With Dead Hipster's Possessions +Bush Won't Put Down New Football +Author Accepts Award On Ghostwriters' Behalf +Turkey Sandwich Given Locally Relevant Name +So-Called Obese Pets Held To Unrealistic Body Standards +Vacationing Couple To Try Something They Don't Like +Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays +Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift +Senate Carpool 'Forgets' To Pick Up Feingold Again +North Korea's Nuclear Proposal +Network Pushes The 'Dumbing It Down' Envelope +Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force +Conservative Teens +How Can I Use Feminism To My Advantage? +I Have A Dream: To Eat A Kentucky Derby-Winning Horse +Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production +Stick Shift Bragged About +Baby Boring +Drunken Episode A Repeat +Neurosurgeon Heckled From Observation Deck +Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions +Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks +Clinton Googles Self +CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper +The Worldwide AIDS Crisis +I Never Shoulda Left The House +Stopping Spam +Report: Poor People Pretty Much Fucked +Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together +College Freshman Cycles Rapidly Through Identities +Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother +Senate Votes 64-36, Not Sure On What +Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist +Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew +Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs +Trial Separation Works Out Great +THG And The NFL +The Clean Air Act +No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior +New Alternate-Reality Series Puts 12 Strangers On Island Where South Won Civil War +Man Born To Party Dies Partying +I Need To Have A Sexy Back Now, Too? +Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever +Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult +Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives +French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French +The Enron Scandal +Take This Job And Love It +Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World +I Think I'll Pay Way Too Much For Quality Fashion Eyewear +Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering +Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities +Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year +ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney +Super Bowl Halftime Shows +Howie Long Expresses Desire To Direct Radio Shack Spots +Receptionist Takes Leave Of Absence Citing Dehydration, Exhaustion +Consumer Reports Rates Self 'Excellent' +Enron Executives Blamed For Missing Employee Donut Fund +Confused Marines Capture Al-Jazeera Leader +Homeless People Shouldn't Make You Feel Sad Like That +Who Do I Have To Blow To Win The Bancroft Prize In American History? +Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool +Developmentally Disabled Senator Wants To Be Treated Like Any Other Lawmaker +American Taliban +Weekend With Boyfriend's Parents Explains A Lot +Ford's $5 Billion Loss +Antique Dealer Sick Of Appraising Smurf Collections +Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife +WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding +The Thinkable Happens To Local Man +Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business +China's Nuclear Buildup +The Lord Of The Rings Is Hobbit-Forming! +Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever +Area Man Not Exactly Sure When To Take Down American Flags +The New iMac +Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils +I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex +Ted Danson Tries To Steer Interview Back Toward Becker +Opening Band Upstaged By Pre-Show Music +Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit +Dating Tips +Treasury Department Badly Needs Ones And Fives +Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper +Parents' Password Cracked On First Try +Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder +$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession +Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq +I Almost Lost It All +The Cigarette Tax +The New Sesame Street +Man Back With Woman His Best Friend Spent Week Criticizing +Ad-Agency Art Director 'Humbly Honored' To Be Working With Absolut +March Named Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month +Who Knew It Would Be So Easy To Impersonate A Priest? +Warranty Outlasts Company +Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized +Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate +Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine +Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night +New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues +The Axis Of Evil +Women's Olympic Bobsled Team Hopes To Inspire Young Girls To Bobsled +18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown +Chat-Room Shorthand +Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse +That Trip To Canada Really Broadened My Horizons +This $29 Will Feed My Family Or Put A Pittsburgh Steelers Cap On My Head +Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends +Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like +Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride +Actors Decide To Go On With Sitcom Despite Cancellation +Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family +Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet +Woman Who Claims Book Changed Her Life Has Not Changed +Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go +Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women +Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day +The Defense Budget +Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged! +The New Dating Shows +When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address +Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship +Planning A Dinner Party +Semester Abroad Spent Drinking With Other American Students +GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup +Secretary's Day Has Become So Commercialized +Jerry Always Willing To Pick Up Overtime +Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling +Philip Morris CEO Forces Senator To Dance For His Amusement +Film Critic Belatedly Comes Up With Swordfish Zinger +Report: Recently Laid-Off Workers Not Doing Enough To Help Economy +The Tyson Split +Indo-Pakistani Tensions Mount At Local Amoco +Every Social Gathering Is A Chance To Hustle For Contacts +Who Needs A Good Cock-Punching? +Father Bitter That Son Has Everything He Never Had +Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education +Deaf Man's Deaf Friends Way Too Into Deaf Culture +Showers With Girlfriend Increasingly Cleansing-Focused +The Al-Qaeda Captives +Man Hopes Hot Woman In Next Apartment Can Hear How Well He's Fucking His Girlfriend +E.T. Toys Forced On Uninterested Children +School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy +Man Bitten By Radioactive Sloth Does The Lying-Around-All-Day Of 10 Normal Men +Hey, Everybody, Let's Put On An Avant-Garde Show! +Now, There's A Stranger Who Could Use Some Of My Child-Rearing Advice +Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral +Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed +Gay Adoption +Colombian Rebel 25 Years Younger Than Colombian Civil War +Kmart's Woes +Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film +Area Man Has Complete Prison-Survival Strategy Mapped Out +Hilarious Hamlet Essay Circulated In Teachers' Lounge +Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards +Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check +SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time +Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters +Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It +Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team +The Nuclear Response +Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives +E.T.: The Extra Material +Girl, She Means Nothing To Me +11-Year-Olds' Entire Plan For Night Is To Smoke Cigarettes +Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down +Study Finds Sexism Rampant In Nature +New U.S. Currency Expires If Not Spent In Two Weeks +Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away +Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life +Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion +It Was The Eighth Subscription Card That Convinced Me +Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance +The Andrea Yates Trial +Sociology 101 Assignment Stretched To Incorporate '70s Punk Rock +Shame On You, Wynonna Rider +Botox And Beyond +Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory +Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday +Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003 +Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following +Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand +Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano +Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog +U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic +Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars +Youth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old +The Saudi Peace Plan +Bono To The Rescue +Are You Coming To My Show Tonight? +McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising +Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car +Man Turns Vegetarian For 36 Hours +Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle +Why Do Porn Actors Have To Use Such Foul Language? +Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models +According To The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise vs. Oooh, Look At Me, I Read The Economist! +The Osbournes +Cardinal Law Under Fire +Mideast Peace Process Derailed, Burned To Ground, Shoveled Over With Dirt +Community Rallies Behind Struggling Corporation +South Dakota Considering Maybe Putting Mount Rushmore On State Quarter +Magic-Store Employee Not The Same Since Losing Virginity +80 Percent Of Small-Town Newspaper Written By Jerry Schoepke +Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity +Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation +Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris +Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot +Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope +That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot +It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done +Silicon Valley Reboots +Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines +I'm A High Roller +Orgy A Logistical Nightmare +Doctor, Patient Have Wildly Different Definitions Of Word 'Hope' +U.S. Children Getting Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's Meat +Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's +Drilling For Oil In Alaska +Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children +Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship +Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again +What Does Not Kill Me Only Makes Me Whinier +Clinton Dragged Up On Stage To Sing 'Sweet Home Alabama' With The Band +Ask A Guy Trying To Describe What He Saw On Nova Last Night +Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant +Arafat Under Fire +Tax-Code Changes +Architect's Friends All Have Great Idea For A Building +Suburban Dad Cracks Wise In Church Parking Lot +37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster +Nevada To Phase Out Laws Altogether +Loft Discussed At Loft Party +Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of The Price Is Right +Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him +Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts +Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild +Countries Who Met Over Internet Go To War +Stand-Up And Be Counted +Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks +The Organ-Donor Crisis +The Church Sex Scandal +New Roommate Has Elaborate Theory About How Kenny Rogers Is A Genius +You Used Me For Sex, Friendship, And Good Conversation +Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation +Congress Threatens To Leave D.C. Unless New Capitol Is Built +Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point +Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant +Overweight Man Receives 'Lose Weight Fast' Spam E-Mail Featuring His Picture +Suicide Bombings In The U.S.? +Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus +Cannes 2002 +Man Blames Hangover On Everything But How Much He Drank +Boss Alludes To 'Crunch Time' +Look Out, Corporate America, Here Comes My Pirate Radio Station +CNN Graphic Designer Asked To Combine Dollar Sign, Syringe, Fighter Jets, Panda +Nerd's Parents Afraid Son Will Fall In With Popular Crowd +83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance +Pope Forgives Molested Children +Factual Error Found On Internet +Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce +Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower +Area Man Urinating Like It's The Best Thing Ever To Happen To Him +Struggling Airline Helped By Friendly Giant +Retarded Child Gets New Video Game Right Before Every Dinner Party +Offin' Office Max +What Did Bush Know Before 9/11? +Rolling Stones Hit The Road +I Know What I Should've Told That Judge +Man Who's 1/16th Irish Proud Of His Irish Heritage +Handlers Desperate To Prevent Tara Reid Political Awakening +Home-Improvement Tips +Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle +Routine, Affordable Medical Procedure Put Off Another Year +Producer Wants To Call Movie Crime And Punishment Anyway +Latest News Of Israeli-Palestinian Violence Makes Man Hungry For Falafel +Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love +Burglary Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery +John D. And Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Goes On Wild Endowment Binge +Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown +Rise Of The Far Right In Europe +U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass +Ask Raymond Carver +Area Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee, Volvos, New Mexico's Flag In Two-Minute Span +Star Wars Mania +Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory +Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends +TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens +Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code +Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night +The Robert Blake Murder Case +Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous! +Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader +Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It +I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You! +Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things +The Queen's Golden Jubilee +God Re-Floods Middle East +Golf Tips +Martha Stewart Stalker Can Barely Keep Up +Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner +U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out +Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant +Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans +You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine +CEO Resignations +What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days? +Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin +The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat +Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech +Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare +Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer +Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal +Best Years Of Area Man's Life Apparently Never Going To Happen +Ted Nugent Talks That Way Even When Buying Socks +Line Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Not That Easy +Fixin's Added To Food Pyramid +Guns Are Only Deadly If Used For Their Intended Purpose +The Bomb-Detection Machine +Colonoscopy Offers Non-Fantastic Voyage Through Human Body +Canadian Immigration Under Fire +I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation +Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup +Kline Not Sure He Fits In At Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl +Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan +National Science Foundation: Science Hard +Area Woman Slams Down Phone, Waits For It To Ring +Hypnotist Looking For Gimmick To Set Him Apart From Other Hypnotists +New Ad Preys On People With 'Ideas' +Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting +Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel +The India-Pakistan Conflict +Career Separates +The FBI Overhaul +Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters +General Mills' Star Wars: Episode II Cereal Gets It All Wrong +Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason +Affair Broken Up By Other Affair +White Person Waved Past Beeping Walgreens Security Barrier +Gym Teacher Secretly Hates Nerds +Sanrio Introduces New Divorced Character +Ex-Girlfriend Flashback Leaves Man Paralyzed In Produce Aisle +Panhandler Demands Explanation For Failure To Provide Quarter +World's Last Bob Hope Fan Dies Of Old Age +Man As Surprised As Anyone That He Knows All The Members Of 'N Sync +Orphanage Director Pushing Asian Orphans +Charging Obese Flyers Double +U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan +The Snakehead Menace +Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark 'Complete Lies' +It's Good, Hutchins, But Is It Delta In-Flight Magazine Good? +Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get +Substance-Abusing Star's Publicist Has Been To Hell And Back +Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu +Husband Chooses Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating +Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes +Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan +Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went +More Police Brutality In L.A. +The Corporate-Fraud Bill +Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens +Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday +Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal +Jacko Is On The Attacko! +This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work +Family Upgrades To Shells & Cheese +Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities +Cheney Caught Moonlighting +Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint +Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game +Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines +Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise +Executing The Mentally Retarded +The Rolling Stone Makeover +Ask Popular Mechanics, March 1947 +Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week +Outdoor-Music-Festival Grounds Mistaken For Refugee Camp +Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby +Horrible Band Obviously Not Listening To Its Influences +Stoner Uncle All The Kids' Favorite +Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini +Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses +3-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter +Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped +When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them +Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties +Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike +Price Of Penis-Shaped Swimming Pool Negotiated +Invading Iraq +The Baseball Strike +Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty +DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features +60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom +Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington +Former Senator Still Hanging Around Capitol +Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host +29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will +Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills +Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other +History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President +Arafat's $1.3 Billion +Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal +Celebrity Clothing Lines +Wine-Appreciation Tips +Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond +Let Smoove Take You Away +And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card +God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season +Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike +The West Nile Virus +Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches +American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex +Lie-Detector Tests For Congress +Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke +Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny +Woman With Shitty Job Her Own Boss +Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver +Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film +Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest +Magazine Announces Plans For Special 'Sex Issue' +Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge +Family Dog Barking At Evil +Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat +Police Seek Poorly Drawn Man +Man Runs Out Of Questions To Ask 4-Year-Old +I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force +Home Sex Tape Watched Once +Repressible Wit +The Fast-Food Lawsuit +Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep +Catholic Teens Still Coming Down After Excitement Of World Youth Day +Trip To Native American Museum Turns Into Cigarette-Buying Spree +The WorldCom Scandal +Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet +Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp +B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars +American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame +Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender +Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes +Jack Welch's Retirement Perks +The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later +Ask The Dauphin +Ken, Barbie Reenact Parental Fight +Disgusting Gyro Meat Magically Turns Delicious After Midnight +20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically +Bush And The Weapons Inspections +Director of High-School Play Buys Director's Chair Out Of Own Pocket +Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often +Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life +Son Surprised Dad Knows Johnny Cash Song +I'm Not Proud Of Some Of The Things I've Done +Tracing Your Genealogy +Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago +Keepin' It Real In Tha Midstate Crib +Teen Humiliated By Activist Mom +Europe, The U.S., And Saddam +Bush Sends Troops To West Nile +Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing +Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer' +Making McDonald's Healthier +8-Year-Old Can't Understand Why He Isn't Allowed On Roof +Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus +Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar +Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight +You Call That Groveling? +I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon +The 9/11 Anniversary +Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man +Legalizing Pot In Canada +Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci +Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism +Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet +Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager +Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes +JazzFest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year +Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin +Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options +Keeping Kids Safe +Martha's Mess +U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits +I Gotta Get Back To My Roots +Who Will Bring Closure To A Grieving Nation? +I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me +Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One +Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents +Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban +KKK Member Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover +Dishwasher Thinks He's Mentoring Younger Dishwasher +U.S. Students Lead World In Detention +Plan 'L' Switched To +Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer +Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance +Headache-Relief Tips +I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds +Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids? +Man Feels 19 Again After Not Getting Laid +North Korean Nukes +Playboy's Overhaul +Daytime-Talk-Show Mixup Leads To 1,000-Pound- Man Makeover +Woman Mad Boyfriend Not Jealous She Danced With Other Guy +Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child +Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly +Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide +Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory +CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids +Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners +Ask A Third Party Candidate +Obesity On The Rise +High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science +63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal +The Sniper Attacks +My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking +Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face +Man Doesn't Realize Date Went Terribly +Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice +No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop +Marketing Guru Also A Getting-Divorced Guru +You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You? +New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man +Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown' +The Dockworkers' Strike +Goodwill Toy Section Most Depressing Thing Ever +The Tycoon Of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive +2002 Nobel Prize Winners +Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes +FAA Considering Passenger Ban +Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math' +Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble +Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media +Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It +You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina vs. I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You +Snoop Dogg Goes Clean +The Preemptive-Strike Debate +Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand +American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting +Man Looks Forward To Coffee Date With Ex-Girlfriend All Week +Starving Third World Masses Warned Against Evils Of Contraception +Take Advantage Of Our Two-For-One Scott Tissue Special, For One Day We Will Die +New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup +Defense Department Typo Results In U.S. Attack On Ira +Cage Match Settles Nothing +Purchase Justified By Theoretical $50 Rebate +Tokyo Squeezes In Five More Residents +Band Loudly Discusses Record Deal At IHOP +Large Dependent Film Tops Weekend Box Office +Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan +Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys! +The NYC Smoking Ban +Stephen King Calls It Quits +Huge Democracy Geek Even Votes In Primaries +I Am The 'Top Gun' Of Commercial Airline Pilots +RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music +Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office +When I'm Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location +Modern-Day Proust E-Mails Friend Six Times A Day +Bodybuilding Tips +Spy World-Famous +85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten +Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Relationship +Teacher Bitches About Paycheck To Sixth-Grade Class +Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance +U.S. Consumer Confidence Down, Says Guy Trying To Sell Van +The Bin Laden Audiotape +Rehab Clinics Are So Much Cooler In Europe +New York City's Olympic Bid +FBI: Muslim Groups In U.S. May Be Developing Nuclear Families +Mother Jealous After Reading Daughter's Diary +Drummer's Girlfriend Thinks He Should Sing +Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation +Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb +Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About +Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop +History Channel Admits To Profiting From Nazi Documentaries +Area Man Buying Not So Much A Soft Drink As An Image +Republicans Take The Senate +Winona Ryder's Probation +Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'! +'Beltway Sniper' Video-Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims +Marxists' Apartment A Microcosm Of Why Marxism Doesn't Work +Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year +India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India +Frat-Guy Boyfriend Not Like The Other Frat Guys +Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner +Tract Writer Cites God, Jack Chick As Influences +Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In +Director's Commentary For One Night At McCool's Trails Off After 20 Minutes +I'll Try Anything With A Detached Air Of Superiority +Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off +Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade +The Russian Theater Raid +The Lynyrd Skynrd Crash +Republicans Mount Campaign To Rename Alzheimer's 'Reagan's Disease' +Hippie Very Involved In Hippie Non-Sports +Vacationer Checks Weather Report For Hometown +Fact Repeated As Urban Legend +How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around? +FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder +Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him +Barnes & Noble Staffers Mock Orson Scott Card Crowd From Back Of Room +Woman Who Visited Kenya Once Struts Confidently Into African Store +Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded +Iraq And The Nuclear Option +Coworker Suicide Fails To Shatter Office +Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers +What This Town Needs Is A Really Shitty Community Newspaper +Secret Santas Are For Shit +Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5 +Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six +Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation +Country Music Protested In Restaurant's Kitchen +Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib +Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day +Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney +Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring' +Oh My God, I Am So Totally Not A Fully Developed Person +Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad +Strom Turns 100 +I Didn't Mean To Lead You On By Fucking You +God Late For Local Wedding +Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese? +Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper +Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day +You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle +Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason +FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up +Democrats In Disarray +Adventures In Babysitting +Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary +Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy +Forget All That I Said About Me Being An Alcoholic +The Cobain Diaries +Video-Camera Tips +Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day +Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters +Area Man Thinking Up Funny Things To Say For Next Football Game