They poop in a box, but we still love them. They scream for no reason at two in the morning, but we still love them. They vomit onto the carpet and then try to eat it, but we still do our best to love them. Cats have scratched out a special place in our lives -- if not our very flesh -- but so much about them still remains a mystery. Many people still do not even know about the small, two-stroke engine that cats harbor within their bodies in order to power their purring. Or how cats were the inspiration for three sports -- parkour, badminton, and curling. It's time that we all got a little more familiar with these common familiars.
The earliest known instance of cat domestication was approximately 9,500 years ago on the island of Cyprus. A wheat farmer by the name of Felikos was wandering his fields when he heard a voice low to the ground. If made the man an offer: The voice would keep his fields free of mice and other pests if Felikos would in turn allow it to keep a small selection of the creatures. For their tastiness, it added. When the bearer of the voice softly stepped forward, Felikos was inclined to agree. This creature had sharpness of tooth and claw, it had fleetness of foot, and it was the cutesy-wutesiest little ball of fluff he had ever seen. However, Felikos did not want any of the pests caught by this "cat" creature, much less all but a small selection. The cat was not raised to be a sucker, it patiently explained, and it knew that nothing came for free. It would just go ahead and leave Felikos's share on his bed from time to time, and he wouldn't have to worry about it. To seal the agreement, Felikos gave the cat the most valuable of human possessions: a name. That name was Mittens.
Cats had a special role in the lives of the ancient Egyptians -- they were revered as gods. The best known of these was Bastet. Revered in her very own city, Bubastis, she was praised for her intervention in matters relating to fertility, motherhood, and washing yourself with your tongue. Another popular goddess was Nahic, known among the pantheon for never being on the correct side of a closed door. Cats are not gods, of course, but this reverential treatment greatly pleased the Feline Overmind, which showered blessings upon the Egyptians for generations.
In the late Middle Ages, armored cats were used in Europe as battlefield messengers. The small size and flexibility made them ideal for carrying orders and strategies around the combatants. A downside to this method, however, was that the messages had to be stuffed into the body of a dead mouse before the cats would accept them. All this exposure to mouse blood by wounded soldiers is believed to have been a contributing factor to the outbreak of bubonic plague.
Even as far away as Japan, cats are known for their associations with good fortune. The maneki neko, or "beckoning cat," is a common talisman of Japanese culture and Korean sushi restaurants that want you to believe they're Japanese. Though it is named for its raised hand -- palm forward, in the Asian style -- beckoning the viewer toward it, it is often referred to in English as the "lucky cat" or the "you buy this mister it make you rich only ten dollar." Stories of its origin are myriad, but the one considered most plausible is this: During the Edo Period of Japanese history, a samurai was passing by a Shinto temple when a cat caught his eye. The cat slowly lifted a front paw, beckoning the samurai to come toward it. After a moment of hesitation, he did so -- and before he could take even a second step, lightning struck the very spot where he had stood. As the smoke cleared, he could see, lying in a small patch of blackened earth, a winning lottery ticket. The samurai immediately converted to Shintoism and carved a wooden statue in the cat's honor.
The invention of the internet has caused in the current era perhaps a greater increase in the popularity of cats than at any other time in history. Every twitch of a whisker is accompanied by a shutter snap or an exhortation to be cute so that it's owner may become trivially famous. However, top felijaologists report that the Feline Overmind is puzzled. We humans have given cats the agency to desire hot, processed sandwiches, but not the agency to acquire them without permission.
It is easy to see where the future of cats lies. The careful Human–Feline balance cannot withstand as unstable a fulcrum as catnip treats and head scritches. The scales must tip, and after a 10,000-year compact, they will once again tip in favor of the cats. We will be weighed, we will be measured, and we will be found wanting. Cats' sharpness of tooth and claw, once so valued for human purposes, will be turned against us. The reign of man will reach its end. But this does not mean that the cats will rise to dominance. Not so easily does the feline nature change, and even the apocalyptic slaughters will occur between brisk, 18-hour naps. It is not in themselves to hold cats' destiny, but in the stars. Vast spaceships crewed by androids, each with a pet cat whose gender may change from time to time. Perhaps this relationship will last forever, or perhaps, after a further 10,000 years, another purification will be required. Either way, we should enjoy the time we have spent and the time we have left with our feline friends. And when we see a pair of eyes glowing in the dark, we should not fear. We should not fear any more than is necessary.